Cabin Boy Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Cabin Boy script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Chris Elliott movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Cabin Boy. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Cabin Boy Script





[ Birds Chirping ]



[ Choir ] So are we now

where Christ has led 






 Following our exalted head 






 Made like him

Like him we rise 






[ Very High Voice ]

Ours across the great blue sky 









[ Singing In Wrong Key ]




[ Man ]




- This arrived for you this morning.

- Thank you, Headmaster.




[ Gasps ]



Oh! What sweet news!



Ah! My dear daddy has arranged

for my immediate departure...



from Stephenwood, tomorrow,

after graduation.



And he's booked me first-class

passage on the Queen Catherine.



Of course. Heaven forbid...



that you should experience

even the slightest discomfort.



Yes. Good point.



- As I'm sure you're well aware,

Reichmaster Timmons,

-[ Clicks Heels Together ]



I'm to take over

the family-run hotel chain

in beautiful sun-drenched Hawaii.



I'm sure that's almost

as exciting as being a frustrated,

shabbily-dressed headmaster.



- Yes? Hmm?

- Young Nathanial.



The faculty and myself have made

endless attempts to teach you to curb...



your condescensions

towards others.



As a fancy lad,

respecting those around you is

both your duty and your obligation.



I'm sorry,, sir. I was just

pondering what drifter's corpse

you stole those shoes from.



- [ Giggling ]

- My God!



You are a hateful creature,

aren't you?



Come on, it was just a joke.



[ Chuckling ] Mmm.

[ Kissing ]



The origin of the bowler...

can be traced back...



- to the turn of the century.

- [Yawning Loudly ]



The simplest and most popular

way to tip... a hat...



is the Chatman Street method.



- [ Muffled Chuckle ]

- It is performed thusly.



[ Boisterous Laughter ]




You may sit down, Lawrence.



It is unfair to ask you to continue in

the presence of this cackling baboon!



[Very, High Voice ]

Somebody's daddy's missing a leg!



Since you seem so anxious

to interrupt the proceedings

with your infantile babble,



kindly step forward

and give us your presentation.



It would my pleasure,

my dear underpaid professor.



Excuse me.

[ Clears Throat ]



This, my silly, dim-witted

looking classmates,



is a   th century

Norwegian evening derby.



Very few of these exist today,

and those that do reside in museums

or in the possession...



of extraordinarily rich young men who

happen to have rather large penises.




good-bye, Nathanial.



You are now officially

a fancy lad.



And it is my sincere hope

that you will bring dignity

and humility to that high honor.



Good luck. And do tell

your father I send my regards.



Oh, sure. In fact,

I think I have the picture

of his backside in my wallet...



if you care to kiss it

right here.



Nathanial, whatever shall

become of you?



Don't worry, about me, Timmons.

My life shall never be anything

less than perfect.



- [ Car Starting ]

- Hey! Here you go, Chubby.



- Go buy yourself a spritzer.

-[ Coin Bounces On Ground ]



Okay, come on. Let's get this

thing moving! Oh, and thank

you for opening the door for me.



Oh, that was so nice,

you moron!



Good riddance, you horrible,

dreadful, nasty little bastard.



[ Nathanial ] You're driving too fast.

Slow it down!



- Not that slow, imbecile. Speed up!

- [ Brakes Screeching ]



Why on earth have you stopped

this wretched vehicle?

What do you think--



- Get the hell outta here,

you fresh-mouthed little freak.

- Hey! Hey!



What do you think you're doing?

[ Gasps ]



[ Groans ]



I merely suggested that

you have the driving ability

of a brain-dead laboratory, ape.



- Welcome to the real world, kid.

- Well, fiine.



I'll just get right back in.

I don't know what you--

Hey! Come back here, you!



Hey! Hey!

You can't take my luggage!



I'll have you incarcerated.



Dear Lord,



I'm about to embark

on a brisk walk,



the first bit of exercise

in my young privileged life.



I pray, do not allow me

to break a sweat.



Okay. Here I go.




One, two, I'm walking.



[ Gasping, Screaming,

Whimpering ]



[ Panting ]



[ Hysterical Screaming ]



[ Sobbing ]



[ Panting ]



[ Gasps ]

The Golden Mist Seaport.



Oh, thank you. Thank--

[ Kissing ]



Whoa-ho-ho. My luxurious suite

on the Queen Catherine awaits me.



I'll be with you uno momento,

my friend. [ Laughs ]



[ Mooing ]



[ Gasps ]



[ Panting ]



[ Sighs ]



Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.



Oh, finally. Okay.

[ Panting Continues ]



Watch it.




Would you--

Lady! Eeew, yuck.



Eeew! Oooh!

Eeew. Eeew!



[ Gagging ]



- [ Man Chuckling ]

- Pardon me--



Get off me.



Oh, geez.

Where are you--



- Stop it! Stop.

- [ Chickens Cackling ]



I've had it with you

bunch of stinkos in here.



You, you, old man.



Look, I am in desperate need

of assistance.



Well, well, well, what's

on your mind, little girl?



I realize that you are most likely

the product of lower class inbreeding.



- But perhaps you could help me.

- Oh, gosh, I certainly hope so.



I have been wandering

this dreary, village...



in hopes of finding

the Queen Catherine.



- You wouldn't have any idea

where she might be docked?

- Ah, you know what you are?



You're one of those

little fancy lads, aren't ya?



[ Chuckling ] Boy, you're cute.

Gosh, what a sweet little outfit.



Is it your little spring outfit?

[ Chuckles ]



You couldn't be cuter.

You're so adorable. Oh, my.



You know, you remind me

of my niece Sally. Lovely girl.



She's a dietitian. Hey.



- Would you like to buy a monkey?

- I don't wanna buy a monkey.



- Are you sure?

- No, I'm on my way. Your family

must be very, proud of you.



We'll see ya, honey.

Hey, wait a minute.

Jennifer, come here.






I can show you

to that ship of yours.



- You will?

- Right down this road.



-Right there.

-Marvelous. I should hurry...



because they're gonna start

the banquet soon and I must

tell you, I am famished.



Well, why wouldn't ya be?

Big girls have big appetites,

don't they? [ Chuckles ]



Listen, do yourself a favor.

Don't let 'em give you any

of that flank steak bullshit.



You know what I'm sayin'?

Try, the London Broil. Yeah.



- That's a good tip. I shall do it.

- Sure, pamper yourself.



- Oh, I will.

- Oh, my. Okay.



Well, I must tell you, for a yellow-eyed,

gamey-smelling lowlife,



-you really have quite

a decent heart about you.

- Well, thanks.



I'm not gonna touch you,

shake your hand or get near you

because you're all of that.



- But I am gonna be on my way.

- Good for you.



-Off I go.

- Hey, listen, have a good trip, Suzy.




- Bye.

- Think about me, all right?

[ Chuckling ]



[ Chuckling Continues ]

Oh, man, oh, man,



do I hate them fancy lads.



Uh, hey, um... I'm looking

for the steward of the Q.C.



Uh-- I'm watching the boat till

everyone gets back from lunch.



Oh! Then departure was delayed

on my behalf. Very, good.



Uh, here's my boarding pass.



Please take me to the ship's

finest quarters 'cause I wish

to draw a hot bath. What a day.



I ain't supposed to let

nobody on the boat 'cause--



Leo, no, no, no.



I know, I look too disheveled

to board, but I assure you,

the captain will understand.



- Wow. You know the captain?

- I should say so. He owes

his entire career to my daddy.



- Can we?

- Okay, since you know him and all.



Okay, fine. [ Grunts ]

Boy! Boy!



[Whimpering ]




What the--



Well, is this the tug

that's supposed to take us out

to the Queen Catherine?



- It's a boat.

- The-- Uh--



Oh-ho-ho-ho. Oh, I see.

This is the Queen Catherine.



It's one of those theme ships, isn't it?

Yes, I've read about these things.



Where we passengers pretend

we're common type and slum

it up a bit. [ Chuckles ]



Deliciously chic.

[ Giggles ]



[ Boy ]

Step, step, step.



- Step, step.

- Yes, I know they're steps.

I've seen steps before.



[ Giddy Laughter ]



Marvelous! Oh!



The best bunk we got is the captain's.

But I don't think he'd mind,

since you know him.



[ Giddy Laughter Continues ]



Oh, my, they sure do have an eye

for detail, don't they?



Awards all around.

[ Chuckling ]



You sure got things

figured out, don't ya?



I was never real good at figurin' stuff

out. Captain says I'm dumb as a carp.



Here's how

a harem girl dances.



[ Moaning ]



[ Grunting ]



Okay, well, thank you for that,

whatever that was.



And now, enough of your silly

gibberish. Go fetch me a cup

of bouillon before I retire.



- Yes? Good boy. Off you go.

- Thank you. Okay. Okay.









Maybe it's just

a fancy word for chum.



[ Groans ]



[ Grunts ]



Eeew. Eeew.



- [ Sobbing ]

- Pipe down, you imbecile.

My head is throbbing as it is.



Sorry,. For a second, I thought

you were my granny. She's dead.



- Right.

- Well, here's your bouillon.



Thank you very, much.

Now, will you please make sure

that I'm not disturbed till 'morrow.



- Okay. Bye, lady.

- Fine.



Oh, my.



[ Sniffs ]





A bit spicy.



Quite robust.



[ Chuckling ]



Your friend's here.

He's all tucked in for the night.



Whatever you say, Einstein.



We figured you were hungry,,

so we bought you a stick of gum.

[ Laughing ]



Don't chew it all

in one place, shit-for-brains.

[ Laughing ]



[ Laughs ]






[ Man ] All right, listen up!

We're gonna sail outta here tonight...



and keep running straight

on through till mornin'.



We'll drop our nets

at daybreak...



and catch them scaley bastards

while they're still groggy!



[ Men Cheering ]



 [ ""Beautiful Dreamer'' ]



[ Man Hacking ]



[ Hacking Continues ]



[ Grunting ]



[ Bottle Shattering ]



So, Skunk, what do you think?

We got enough ocean behind us?



Yeah, yeah.

No trouble for us tonight.



- I think I'll turn in. Keep it steady,

whatever works for you.

- Okeydokey.



[ Hacking, Grunting ]



[ Groaning ]



- [ Hacking, Grunting Continue ]

- [ Bottles Breaking ]






[ Mumbling ]



[ Grunting ]



[ Groaning ]



[ Giggling ]



[ Growling ]



[ Sighing ]



[ Captain Snoring ]



- Hi. How ya doin'?

- Very well. Thank you.



[ Both Screaming ]



- [Whimpers ]

- Don't this beat all, boys?



We got us a half-crazed




Now, see here. I don't know

what kind of nonsense you're...



[ Gasps ] trying to pull here,

but it's painfully obvious--



[ Laughing ]

Oh, I see.



This is all part of

the theme, right? Sure.



And you're just stage actors

pretending to be filthy drunkards.

[ Laughing ]



Bravo. Bravo, everyone.

Long live the theater.



- Am I missing something here?

- Holy shit in a handbasket.

This moron got on the wrong boat.



Now, wait a second.

Are you-- What--



Are you meaning to imply this

is not the Queen Catherine?






You're not its well-trained crew

here to cater to my every whim?






- Kid, we're just here

to catch fish and stink.

- Mostly the latter.



[Very, High Voice ]

Whoo! Oooh! Okay.



Okay, um--

All right, look.



Obviously there's been a little mix-up

here and I seem to have boarded

the wrong vessel.



Okay. I apologize, but there's

a happy ending to all this.



You just point this thing towards

Hawaii and drop me off there. Great.



End of controversy.



Now, let's go enjoy some tea

and honey-dipped willy pumps.



Gimme the go-ahead, Cap,

and I'll kill him.



- I knew I shouldn't have had

that last bottle of rotgut.

- Gentlemen, no, no, no.



Don't walk away from me.

Come back. No, no, no.

Don't make me run.



Come on. You too.

Come, come, come.



It's painfully obvious to me

that you have no idea

who you're dealing with here.



- You see, I... am a fancy lad.

- [ Men Chuckling ]



Fancy lad!



If you hinder my arrival, I'll just

have my daddy put you all on trial

and have you hanged.



Were you dropped on your head

as a toddler?



[ Captain Groaning ]



Listen up, you doozy-lookin'

deuce in shoes!



We're out here for the next

three months to catch us some fish!



So, unless you wanna end up

as bait, stay outta my face!






Don't you walk away from me,

you big talking walrus!



This issue is not negotiable.



- I hate this.

- [ Gasps ]



- [ Laughing ]

- My christening wig!



I've had it since infancy.



Well, you ain't got it

no more, peckerhead.



[ All Laughing ]



There, by the grace of God,

floats away my manhood.



Simply put, a five-pound box of

chocolate-covered macadamia nuts

is yours...



if you'll point this swill heap

towards Hawaii, comprende?



Sorry,, I'll have to pass.



These stockings I'm wearing

are made of pure imported silk

from the mountains of Bennenia.



- They're yours if you get me to Hawaii.

- Yeah?



These socks I'm wearin' are pure wool

and they've been on my feet

for three straight weeks.



And if you don't blow,

you're gonna swallow them

like an aspirin.



If my poor daddy doesn't hear

from me soon, there's no telling

what he might do.



[ Crying ] I'm afraid

he'll become despondent

and turn a pistol upon himself.



Hey, you wanna learn

a little fisherman's Greek?



- [ Chuckling ]

- Oh.



""Gadinga pachinga castinga.''

That means ""I kissed a girl.''



[ Laughing ]



""Patuka cachuka stabuka.''



That means,

""I felt up a girl's ass.''



- [ Laughing ]

- All right. Fine.



""Katinka kawinka kalinka.''

You know what that means.



- No, I don't.

- Yes, you do.



Is there not one person on this boat

who's not monstrously insane?



Oooh, it's maddening.

I'm at my wit's end. I can't take it--



[ Chuckling ]



[ Men Laughing ]



[ Rattling ]






I can't say as I blame you,

standing by yourself.



There's no such thing as

pleasant companionship

on this tawdry vessel.



Sorry,, but I ain't supposed to

talk to nobody while I'm on watch.



Captain Greybar says I got

the attention span of a circus monkey.



I don't think your Capt. Greybar

is qualified to cast aspersions

on the character of others.




I don't speak Spanish.



Pardon me, I seem

to have forgotten your name.






Kenneth, uh...



your captain has been under

a great deal of stress recently

and he's in need of a holiday.



You mean like Halloween?




Like Halloween.



Wouldn't you like to help

your weary, captain rest

his rum-soaked bones?



Uh...yeah, I guess...

if you think he'd like that.



- What do I gotta do?

- It's magnificently simple.



Tonight, after they've

all fallen asleep,



change the course of the boat

and head it for Hawaii.



- You think you're capable of that?

- Sure.



I ain't too swift about other stuff,

but I know maps real good.



So, he'll be happy

about this, huh?



No, absolutely. In fact,

I overheard him telling somebody,



""My wouldn't it be jolly-jack splendid

to spend a fortnight or two in Hawaii?''



Yup, that sounds like him.

You do good impressions.



Right. Okay, then fine.

After they've all fallen into

their alcohol-induced slumbers,



we'll put our little plan

into action.



Remember, this is

our little secret, yeah?



- [ Laughing ]

- Okay.



All right. You're--

You're a big happy one, aren't you?



[ Men Snoring ]



[ Snoring Continues ]



[ Nathanial ]




Filthy swine.





The pigs are all asleep.



Okay. Looks like all

we gotta do is shift her...







and we'll be headed

straight for Hawaii.



- Okay, fine. Do it quickly now.

- Okay. Let's see here.



Okay, we're goin' to Hawaii.



Okay, great.

Well, good job, old boy.



And you know what?

When we reach the islands, I may

buy you a big red, shiny apple.



[ Panting ]

Geez, thanks.



A human tree stump.



After a brief derailment, my life

is back on its proper course.



[ Exhales ] Fret not, Daddy. I shall

be with you in a saint's whisper.




[ Sighs ]



[ Thunderclap ]



[ Microwave Bell Ringing ]



[ Thunderclap ]



What in the Savior's name--



What do you think you're doing?

This is no time for stunt sailing.

Stop this immediately.



- I'm trying.

- You're not trying hard enough. Aaah!



Get off me!



- [ Grunts ]

- [ Glass Breaking ]



What the--

You doofus!



Everybody, get your asses outside!

Move, move, move!






- Maybe I should drop anchor.

- Do you think that'll help?



- I don't know.

I'm not very, bright, remember?

-Just do it!



Try, anything, will ya!

What am I supposed to--



Don't worry,.

It seems a lot worse than it is.



- What?

- Ooo-aaah!



Whoo! Whoo!



Paddle your rump back here

and steer this boat!



Tell Capt. Greybar

I hope he enjoys Hawaii.



And remind him that

we're almost out of margarine.



Oh, come back! Oooh, you can't do

this to me! Come-- Come back!



- Secure that boom!

- Aye-aye, Captain.




Stop this! Aaah!



- Oooh!

- Grab the wheel!



- Okay, Skip!

- [ Screaming ]






- Shit!

- [ High-Pitched Screaming ]



I don't like this!

[ Sobbing ]



Looks like Kenny

got us off course.



That don't sound like Kenny.

He's dumb but he don't take

a leak before tellin' me.



Well, it's his scribbles.

If this thing's right,

look where it's landin' us.



[ Captain ]

Sweet Jake, Hell's Bucket!



Kenny! Get your fat,

worthless ass over here!



- I ain't seen

that little sow anywhere.

- Hey. What the hell is this!



[ Captain ]




Get over here, perfume boy!



Look at this.



Well, I merely suggested

to Kenneth that...



perhaps it would be fun if we set

the ship's course for Hawaii.



-Jesus Christ!

- [ Nathanial ] Why, why, why,



had I known he'd be blown overboard

by a gust of wind, I never

would have suggested it.



Get outta my sight

before you join him!



- What, I--

- Aaah!



[ High-Pitched Screaming ]



[ Clouds Chuckling ]



If I'd have just listened

to Mommy, I'd have gone into

the goddamned butcher business,



and I wouldn't be in this predicament

in the first place.



""Oh, no, Daddy,

I wants to be a sailor.''



[ Mumbling ] Goddammit. Fuck it.

I'll never get out of here.



And the net's torn to pieces.



Goddammit, what am I supposed

to do now? Catch 'em with my hands?



We're in deep shit, Greybar.

What the hell are we gonna do?



What do you think?

Give me a clue, will ya?



The engine's flooded,

the mizzenmast is down...



- and we got a crack in

the mid-section that's drawing water.

- Wonderful!



Aaah! We got

any options here?



The only thing to do as far as

I can tell is find a safe harbor

and fix the boat.



As you know, there's only one island

in Hell's Bucket and I am not crazy

about landing there.



Yeah, well, I ain't crazy about

sittin' on a boat till she sinks

and we wind up flounder shit.



Yeah, those flounders

are bloodthirsty bastards.



Looks like we ain't

got a choice.



If we don't make it to that island,

we're all gonna end up on the bottom.



We stay in Hell's Bucket long enough,

that's the least of our worries.



There's bad mojo

all around here.



Instead of

standing around philosophizin'

like a bunch of old washer women,



let's get to the goddamned island,

fix the boat and blow outta this hole!



And I say we dump that jinx kid.

He's a born Jonah.



As soon as we get to the island,

[ Snaps Fingers ] he's history,.



We'll send him out to pick berries

or somethin' and then haul ass.



Yeah, pick berries.



[Whimpering ]



- Please don't harm me.

I'm meek as a kitten. Truly I am.

- Stop. Cease.



Listen here, boy.

You got us groin-deep in trouble...



and I am this close to turning

your powdered ass into chum.



I must take offense to that.

I haven't powdered my bottom

since I was   --



Cork it! From here on out,

since we're one hand short,



you're gonna do every, dirty, shitty,

snot-soaked job that needs doin'

around here!



- Got it?

- Is there any good news?



[ Gasps ] The good news...

is that I may let you live.



And if you behave yourself,



we'll drop you off in Hawaii,



-Japan, wherever the hell you're goin'.

- Thank you, Captain.



- That's what I wanted to hear.

- Okay! First things first.



Get outta these sissy clothes and

go put on some of Kenny's duds.

God rest his sweet soul.



And I want you to think of

his fat, pimpled ass every time

you slip into his boots!



I just pray that those boots

have adequate arch support

because I have problem feet--




[ Groans ]






Okay. Here we go.



Be calm.

Do it. Do it to it.



Oooh! That's it. The head

came off and what's inside

stinks and that's all I'm doing.



- I'm done.

- Hi.



Come on, you're doing very well.



- [ Groans ] Aaah, I hate you.

- Sorry,.



- Ow.

- Aaah!



[ Deep Voice ]

He did it.



There. Now here's something

your fancy ass can't screw up.



And don't quit until every, square inch

of this deck is clean...



as a church piss house.

[ Laughing ]



[ Men Laughing ]



Oddly enough, it kind of tastes

like marzipan. Huh, go figure.



Aaaw. Aaaw.



I'm sorry,. Could you explain

this chore to me one more time?



It's a little something

we call ""outward watch.''



Here's how it works:

We'll let out some rope

so you can drift along behind us.



All you gotta do is keep

your eyes open for other boats,

cars, flying saucers, shit like that.



And exactly, how much rope

are you gonna let out,

about ten feet or so?



Two miles worth.



That sounds a trifle peculiar

but I suppose you're the experts.



Hey, one more thing? Is it true

it's unsafe to drink seawater?



That's a new one to me.

It's water, ain't it?



We gave you a carton of chocolate milk.

What else you want?



All right, Geronimo.

Let's get your ass out there.



And in about a week,

when your shift is over, give

this rope a tug and we'll haul you in.




Well, I'm off.



Not crazy about the idea.



- Send us a postcard, Daisy.

- Bon voyages. [ Laughing ]



Great idea, Skipper.

Finally, some peace and quiet.



[ Men Laughing ]




Water, boom-boom.



Hot sun, water.




What's another word for it?




It's Dullsville.



I hate it. I hate it.

I hate it.



I hate it. I hate it.



[ Exhales, Panting ]



Oh, it's hot.



I'm burning up. There's gotta be

some lotion in here.



What's this? Cooking oil.

Maybe that's nature's moisturizer.



Ohhh, that should do it.



About a number   

it feels like. Ooo-kay.



[ Searing ]



What are you doing here?

He didn't know--

Boo! Boo! Bow!



[ Babbling ]



- Boo.

- [ Squeaking ]



It's lunchtime.

Yeah, it's lunchtime.



Let's get something to eat.

Come on.



Yeah, let's have our good friend.

We'll have our--



It's a pretty color.



[ Deep Voice ] But it don't

taste pretty. Uh-uh. Oooh.



I need something to drink fast.

Come on! Come on. Come on.



Aaa-aaah. Aaah.



[ Grunts ]









[ Searing Continues ]



[ Delirious Laughter ]



Good afternoon, madam.

Would you like to buy a donkey?



Donkeys are on sale today

through Thursday and be sure

to visit our linen department...



for spectacular savings on

stereophonic pumpkins and

glow-in-the-dark bowling balls.



- [ Kenny ] Hey, man,

pull yourself together.

- Kenny!



What are you doing here?



I just wanted to stop by and say,



""Hang in there.

You're doin' a hell of a job.''



- Very, kind of you, Kenny.

- Well, keep up the good work.




[ Chuckling ]



He's going down into the water.



Okay. Well, you know, most people

would think they were insane...



if they saw something like that,

but luckily I have an open mind

about this sort of thing--



- [ Gasps ]

-Now, I know what you're thinkin'.



What could be stranger than

a big, fat-ass, floating cupcake?



Hey, how 'bout one

that spits tobacco?



[ Laughing ]

See ya around, buddy.



[ Chuckling ]

That's a cute kid.



Okay, it's official. Nathanial

Mayweather has lost his mind.



I've got cabin fever or raft fever.

I've got some kind of fever.



Look, look, I can fly.

I'm a parakeet!



Somebody give me

a sunflower seed.



[ Ringing ]



Has it been a week already?



Actually it's been nine days.

Time flies.



We'll probably have to

shovel him off that raft.



Yeah. Maybe if we're lucky,

he'll die in a few hours.



[ Skunk ]

This kid ain't real.



[ Nathanial ]

I'm back, fellas.




Hooo-oooh. Hi.



Thank you.

[ Groaning ]



Oh, greeting, fellow fishermen.




I never thought I'd be

so happy to see you again--



and this stinking garbage scow.



Oh! Oh! Big Teddy, thank you.

A welcome home sandwich.



You sure got

a lot of energy for someone

who's half-dead from exposure.



That's a very, good point.

I would have been dead had it

not been for the sharkman.



- Sharkman?

- [ Giddy Laughter ]



judging from his appearance,

that's the most appropriate name

I could come up with for him.



I hate this kid.



This, uh, thing

you're talkin' about.



- Did it have the body of a shark

and the arms and face of a man?

- That's the chap.



- Holy jumpin' jack fish. Chocki!

- Chocki!



- Who the hell is Chocki?

- Half-man, half-shark.



Legend has it, a Viking ship went down

in Hell's Bucket     years ago.



One of the Vikings was spared

a grisly death by a shark

who fell in love with him.



Well, you know how it goes.

One thing led to another and--



The Viking knocked up

the shark?



And they had one offspring::




just when you think you've heard

everything about Hell's Bucket,



along comes another

nauseating legend.



[ Groaning ]



And the bad thing is Chocki's

kind of flighty by nature.



He can be friendly one minute,

and then hate you the next.



Now that he's taken

a shine to the kid here,

he's probably following us,



- and that could be trouble.

- Well, why's he so flighty?



Who the hell knows. We're talkin'

about a half-man, half-shark.



There's gotta be some kind

of a chromosomal damage

with a matchup like that.



Hey! Take a look at this.



Oh, Lord, spare me another one

of these insanities.



Sweet Henry,. She's got more whiskers

than a laid-off circus clown.



Gee, they ought to rename

this place ""Wackyville.''



[ Giggling ]

Ooh, 'cause it's wacky.






Aaah. Oooh, I'll feel better

once we get outta these waters.



All this anxiety from being

in a strange and mysterious land...



- is giving me gas.

- Aw, Christ.



- Oh, geez.

- [ Thunderclap ]



Ah, purple lightning.

That's always a good sign.



- [ Boat Rattling ]

- [ Imitating Airplane Noises ]



Here they are.

Your fish stick kitties.



[ Chuckles ] My own invention.

Thank you very, much.



I thought mealtime could use

a little sprucing up around here.

[ Chuckles ]



Paps, here's your kitty.



[ Meowing ]

I'm awful tasty, Paps--



Get out of my face,

you half-assed Edgar Bergen.




Have some coffee.



[ Men Laughing ]



Paps, you're such a little card.



Now, where's that naughty Captain?

He knows it's suppertime.



[ Concertina ]



 When I go ashore

and get my pay 



 I'll go and meet

my Essie May 



 She'll hike her skirt

and toss her shoe 



 She'll clean my pipes,

my buddies' too 



 Don't need a church

to find my way 



'Cause I found heaven

with Essie May 



[ Stops ]



[ Crying ]

That was the most beautiful thing

I've ever heard.



It was like honey

from the lips of an angel.



[ Belches ]



- Bless you.

- Ahhh.



Oh, Cappy, tell me

about all of this.



Tell me about the sea.

What does it mean to you?



Basically, money. I come from

six generations of seamen.



All with the same goal in life: Catch

fish, sell 'em, get drunk and get laid.



- I don't thinkAristotle

could've said it better.

- Uh-huh.



Yeah. You might say I dropped

outta my mama's womb...



with galoshes on my feet

and a fishing rod in my hand.



Ouch. That poor woman.



I don't know, Cappy.



I'm beginning to wonder

if it's really people like you...



who wander the world

like shaggy, unkempt beasts,



who really know

what's important in life.



- Okay, boy. I'm officially sick

of you now. Take off.

- Are you quite sure?



Sometimes if we've had

a little too much to drink

we tend to say the opposite--



- Blow!

- Okay. That'll do it for me.

I'll just move it on out.



[Yawning ]



 [ Singing In French ]



 [ Singing Stops ]



[ Thinking ] My Lord,

she's the most beautiful thing

I've ever laid eyes on.



Every, instinct in my lower half

tells me the Holy Father

has preordained our meeting.



Hello, miss!



Miss, excuse me? Geez.



just my luck. I fall in love

for the first time in my life

and it's with a corpse.



Huh? What the--



- [ Grunts ]

- What the hell are you doing?



Thank heavens. There's still some life

left in her after all. Thank you, Lord.

I owe you one.



Uh... here.




Aaah, geez.



You idiot! Do you know

what you just did?



- You just ruined my chance

at setting a world's record.

- [ Deep Voice ] Say what?



I was swimming around the world,

Maryland to Maryland.



And I was halfway there

until you blew the whole thing!



No, you were just lying there

like a rat in a swimming pool--



I was sleeping!

And by you yanking me onto

this floating Dumpster,



I violated one of the rules set forth

by the World's Record committee.



""At no time shall a swimmer's body

come in contact with anything solid.''



Yeah, okay. But technically,

I'm not solid. My texture's

much more like moist bread.



Shit. I knew it was bad luck

to swim through Hell's Bucket.



Oh, look, you have a hard

piece of seaweed stuck to you.

Let me just pull it.



- Relax. [ Gasps ] My wig!

- Take your hands off me.



Faith has truly

brought us together.



-Just... stay the hell away from me.

- Oooh.



Attentionne, messieurs.



Please join me on the upper deck.

I have a little surprise for you.



Come on, fellas. Looky what

I fished out of the ocean.



That's one little cute fishy

this cabin boy done caught hisself.



Aw, not bad. I'd do it.



Where in the hell

did you come from, missy?



The last thing we need

is another straggler.



First of all, I was minding

my own business until your son

yanked me up here.



And secondly, don't you call me

missy again unless you wanna

lose the rest of your teeth.



Sassy little thing, ain't she?

Want me to give her a spanking?



- [ Men Laughing ]

- I'd like her to give me a spanking.



- How'd you like me

to put my foot up your ass?

- [ Men Laughing ]



Come on, now.

Gentlemen, please.



I know that salty sea talk

is a big part of being a fisherman,

but Trina is our guest.



And until we take her to Maryland,

could we please curb the language?



Oh, so we're gonna drop her off

in Maryland? What the hell

is this, a crosstown bus?



je-sus! I never saw a man

p-whipped so fast in my life!



P-whipped. Now, I'm confused.

Isn't that French for pudding?



Hopeless. Absolutely,

utterly goddamned hopeless.

I don't know why we keep trying.






Now, he'll have some company

on that island.



- Yeah.

- Hmm?



Paps, I think you can go ahead and run

downstairs and play now if you like.



[ Growls ]



So, things are settling down...

which is good.



A quiet time.




 [ ""The Alley Cat Song'' ]



[ Captain ]




Now, heel and toe.



[ Men Laughing ]



[ Chuckles ]




- [ Grunting ]

- [ Laughing ]




[ Laughing ]



What a bunch of lunkheads.



Trina! Oh.



Oh, Trina, I'm so glad you decided

to join us. I was just putting on...



- a show for the fellas.

- So this is what

you guys do for fun?



- Yeah. [ Laughing ]

- Humiliate an imbecile?



Sure he's clumsy and he's stupid

and he's a screwup,



but you don't have to

treat him like an animal.



Funny you should

mention screwups,



because an hour ago,

I made the mistake of using

your swimming diary to light the stove.



- [ Men Laughing ]

- I've been keeping that diary,

for    years, you ape!



- Dance, boy, dance!

-  [ Resumes ]



All right. Hold him tonight.

just one bear cub to you.



[ Chuckling ]



[ Banging On Ship ]



- What the hell's that?

- [ Banging ]



I'm afraid to say it.



Chocki. He must of sensed

we were kind of debasing the kid

a little bit. Now, he's pissed.



If he opens up that hole

any wider, we're all gonna be

bunkin' on the bottom tonight.



We gotta throw that kid overboard.



Wait a second.

Maybe there's a way out of this.



Let her rip.



[ Splashing ]



There goes your little buddy

Nathanial, Chocki!



Go play with him.

Play nice.



He fell for it!

Oh, Skunk, Skunk, you're a genius!



For the ten millionth time,

don't kiss me!



Why must we always

hide our emotions,

Mr. Macho Man?



[ Groaning ]



- Gimme three.

- Three? Very, interesting.



- Paps?

- Six.







It's relaxing up here.



Staring off into the night sky.



Those sparkly, twinkly things.

I forget their technical name.



- Stars.

- Whatever.



Thinking about the future.

What it might bring.



Actually, I was thinking

I'd kill for a cheesesteak

and a bottle of scotch.



[ Laughs ] Oh, Trina. I don't know

why or how this is happening to me,



but I am developing

deep, deep feelings for you...



- despite the fact that you have

the breeding of a carnival barker.

- Lovely.



I must also tell you

that these feelings are not

just of the zipper variety.



- That's a relief.

-[ Flicking Ashes ]



Listen, Nathanial,



I've been working in steel mills

since I was nine years old,



ever since I ran away

from the honor farm.



I'm a drifter

and a loner at heart.



Between forging girders

and swimming,



I don't have a lot

of time for relationships.






Oh, I'm sorry,. I was just thinking how

much fun it is to roast pumpkin seeds.



Did I mention I have

an incredible crush on you?



That's wonderful. I'm flattered when

a psychotic becomes smitten with me.



No problem. But, ah, not another

peep, zip, boop. You need your rest.



We'll continue this tomorrow.

Besides, you're wearing me out

with your incessant babbling.



It's in my ear all night.




Well, it was nice almost

communicating with you.



Kiddo, you are ""A'' number one

in my book, you know that?

You are top dollar.



You know, I honestly think

we're onto something here.

Hey, nice shoes. Those--



[ Groans ]



- Bet one.

- See ya.



- I'm in.

- Paps?



- Six.

- Six.



[Teeth Chattering ]



Oh, this makes a lot of sense.



We go to bed a few hours ago,

it's    degrees. Now we're

freezin' our tails off.



Hell's Bucket.

No rhyme or reason to it.



That observation's

gettin' a little old.



Oh, Christ!

Take a look.



[ Paps ]

Azure Peak!



[ Nathanial ] Brr! Uh, could

somebody please turn up the heat?



I told the man a thousand times

not to open the window

in the nanny's room.



- Arf, arf, arf!.

- [Yelping ]



[ Giggling ]

Good morning, Paps.



Ooh, my, isn't this weather




Hey, let's make snow angels.

Come on, come!



What're we going to do, Captain?

We can't just sit here

and freeze to death.



No shit!

Okay, moron,



you go stand in the bow

and let us know when

we're coming' close to ice.



Skunk, Ted, you guys stand watch

port and starboard.



Me and Paps will steer through

as best we can. Hey, woman!



Shake your butt outta bed, Thumbelina,

we got a lot of work to do!



Oh, Jesus.

Where the hell are we?



You just stay up there and

keep them mascara-caked eyes

of yours peeled for icebergs.



- Can ya handle that?

- Kiss my ass!



Believe I'll pass on that one,

thank you very, much.



[Thudding ]



- Okay, you hit one.

- Damn it, tell us before we hit

the bloody thing.



[ Chuckling ]

Oh, now I get it! Sorry,!



This little system's

workin' out great.



I don't know exactly what this means,

but a giant iceberg just winked at me.



Not a promising development.



Whoa, mama.



I don't know how to break it

to you guys, but you're about

to make a new friend.



What's she lippin' off

about now?



[ Ship Creaking ]



[ Screaming ]



A walkin' Popsicle!



Sir, it is very, bad manners to pay

a visit without a formal invitation.



- [ Monster Roaring ]

- I'm sorry,, I didn't catch that.

I have a trick ear.



[ Roaring ]



- [ Paps Groaning ]

- Quick, grab something

to whack him with!



- What good'll that do?

- How should I know?

In a situation like this,



you make up shit

as you go along!



Now sic him! Come on, sic him!

[ Grunting ]



- [ Roaring ]

- Come on, Skunk!

Poke his eye out or somethin'.



I, I gotta make a phone call!



[ Grunting ]



[ Grunting ]



What the hell ya doin'?



I think it's obvious.

I'm trying to give him foot pain.



- What? Get outta here!

- [ Roaring ]



Crazy kid, huh?

[ Grunting ]



[ Groaning ]



- Keep 'im occupied, Ted.

I got me an idea.

- [ Groaning Continues ]



Talk about an embarrassing obituary,!




Poked to death by

a giant human iceberg! Uuh!



All right, you icy bastard!

How about a hot cup o' joe?



[ Grunts ]






Sorry,, we're all outta decaf!.



Melt, you frozen, goofy-lookin'

son-of-bitch! Melt!



Get 'im!

Get 'im!



[ Laughing ]






[ Roaring ]



Ahh! Finito!

[ Laughing ]



I've got it!



Ahh, iced cappuccino.

Thank you, garcon.



- [ Grunting ]

- [Yelping ]



[ Captain ] Yeah, get 'im! Get 'im!

Get 'im, Paps!



[Wolf Whistle ] Gives me the

double-dark willies just eye-ballin' it.



[ Big Teddy ] Ah, it looks like

somethin' you'd dream about

after a quart of Jack Daniels...



and a couple

of bad sausages.






Uh, we made it!

Uh, thank you! Thank you!



[ Sighing ]

Oh! Mm!



- All right, already!

you're givin' me the creeps!

- [ Grunts ]



Okay, let's not waste any time.

Here's what we need:



driftwood, palm leaves, tree sap,

tree glue and a shit-load of gravel.



- Why, are we going to bake a cake?

- The goal is to blow out of here...



before sundown,

so no screwing around.



I'd like to get me a fish in the boat

sometime before I'm   .



[ Sighs ]




Gentlemen, may I talk to you

about a subject which brings me

great embarrassment?



Let me guess.

Your little swimmer friend is

giving you the old freeze job, huh?



I-I just don't get it. She seems

totally uninterested in me,



despite my smothering




Did you ever try,

pattin' her on the ass?

That usually drives 'em wild.



Or dance around the room

in your underwear

till she gets hot.



That's how I got

my last four wives.



- No, it's just no use.

- When it comes to women, I'm just--



I'm all thumbs.

I'm just so stupid!



Mm! Boom! Boom!



Wait a sec.

Come to think of it,



there is someone who could help you

with this problem of yours.



[ Captain ] Oh, Lordy, I know

what you're thinkin; Mr. Skunk.



What? W-W-W-What?

What, what, what?



Well, they say there's a woman

on this very, island...



who's helped many a green,

young cabin boy come of age...



and blossom

into manhood.



In other words, she'll clean

your pipes six ways to Sunday.



- You know what I mean?

- No, but go on.



Well, the downside is,

she isn't real easy to get to.

She lives in a cave up on a cliff.



I don't care.

I'll do whatever it takes

to win over Trina.



How do I get to this woman?

Come on, give me precise

directions, will ya?



Basically, you just saunter

your ass into the jungle.

You'll run into her eventually.



All right, fine.

That's what I'm gonna do then.



Thank you, fellow crewmates,

I'm off. And when I return,

I shall be a cabin man.






[ Humming ]




he's off to meet Calli.



And they never,

ever saw him again.



- The end!

- [ Both Laughing ]









[ Grunting ]



You're doing it.

You're actually climbing a cliff.



[ Grunting, Groaning ]



[ Sighing ]



Well, this is it.



Good luck, Nathanial.

Be brave.



I will be, Nathanial.

All right.



Let's go, Nathanial. Okay.









Howdy do?









What th--






-Ooh, ooh, ooh-whee 

- Yeah. Ah--



- [ Clears Throat ]

-Oo-ooh, ooh-whee-ee 



Mm, mm, mm 



- Excuse me, miss, uh--

-Have mercy 



- Who are you?

- I'm, uh, young Nathanial,



uh, cabin boy of The Filthy Whore,



and I, um--



See, Skunk said

that you were gonna--



Do not be embarrassed,

cabin boy.



I know why you are here.



Oh, you do? Great.

Well, that'll save us a lot of time.



Geez, you must spend

a fortune on mittens.



- [ Chuckling ]

- However, I cannot help you

with your problem...



unless you answer

the three riddles of the island.



Oh, sure. That sounds like fun.

Hit me.



How does the moon

greet her daughters?



Yee... hoo.



[ Exhaling In Bursts,

Clicking Tongue ]



Well, ah, if she's a refined

lady, and I'm sure she is,



she may probably greet

her lassies with a gift of some sort.



Uh, maybe a box of peppermints

or some hair care products,



and then, you know,

it's off to the mall and lunch.



""Have fun girls, bye-bye.''

That sort of thing.



[ Mocking Chuckle ]



Why don't you ask me

something hard?



What are the seven

contradictions of Zeripa,



watcher of the equator?



Oh, geez! [Taps Bed ]

I knew this too.



Oh, uh--



[ Muttering ] Oh, forget it.

Uh, you really-- This one you

got me completely stumped on.



I'm sorry,.

Does it have something to do

with the metric system?



Oh, forget it.

This is a waste of time.



Come on over here, honey.

You've managed to charm me

with your moronic innocence.



- [ Needle Scratching Record ]

- Oh, great. Well, you know

what I always say:



-[ Ballad ] Oh, baby 

- It pays to be yourself.

[ Chuckles ] Oh. Uh--



Come on, we've gotta finish before

my husband, Mulligan, comes home.



- Okay.

-Your love is super-sweet love 



- One down, five to go.

This could take all night.

-When you put it all--



- [ Chuckling ]

- Oh!



- [ Electrical Buzzing ]

-[ Continues, Indistinct ]



- Okay, you're gonna do that.

- Ooh. [Yelping ]



Ee! Oh, geez, that's different,

isn't it? Uh-huh.



These pipes...



are clean!

[ Echoing ]



[ Chortling ]



Mm-hmm. And how.



[ Birds Chirping ]



- [ Gasps ]

- Hello, Trina.



What happened to you?



Well, let's just say I've finally

shed my feminine side



like a snake sheds its fur.



You look so strong... confident.



- Yeah. Mm-mm.

-Not nearly as idiotic.



- [ Pants ]

- I'm now going to show you

everything I've been taught.



I only pray that I'm not thrown off

by your lack of four additional arms.



Mm, mm.



- Mm-hmm.

- Mm.



[ Footsteps Approaching,

Keys Rattling, Door Closing ]



Hi, honey.

How was your day at the shop?



Sweet of you to call it a shop, Calli.



We both know it's just a hole

in the side of a mountain.



- Was business brisk?

- Brisk?



Not really. I sold one electric

toothbrush to a flyin' leprechaun.



Well, don't be

discouraged, dear.



I'm sure things will pick up

once word of mouth gets out.



[ Sighs Heavily ]

Who am I kidding?



It was a stupid idea

to open up a housewares store

on this island.



I might as well go back to devourin'

wild boar and sleep on the beach.



Stop talking like that.



What the hell is this?



Uh, it's Linda's.

She must've left it here.



What are you talkin' about?

Your sister hasn't visited in months.



[ Sniffing ]



Frozen seafood.



There was a fisherman here,

wasn't there? Hmm?



[ Chuckling ] Of course not.

Where would you get that silly idea?



Huh? What do you call this?






Damn it, woman! You promised me

when we were married,

you'd quit helping lonely sailors.



You don't understand. It's boring

laying around this dump all day.



Least you have a job

to go off to.



Oh, no! I told you

a long time ago, no wife

of mine is ever gonna work.



Where are you going?



I'm going to kick me

some sailor-boy ass.



Bring back bread.



Oh, it's beautiful countryside,

isn't it? [ Giggling ]



Kinda reminds me

of Long Island City.



Hey, where the hell

are they going?



Oh, wonderful! The boys must

have fixed the boat and they're

taking it out for a test drive.



- Congrats, gents!

- Don't you understand?



Those idiots are leaving us here.

We're completely abandoned.



Trina, would you have

a little faith in mankind?

They would never do that to me.



I've become one of them.

We've bonded.




how can you be so naive?



Well, how can you just

stand there like that and just--



[ Thudding,

Birds Squawking ]



Holy crap!



A little birdie inside my brain is

telling me that that's probably Mulligan.



He's found out about me and Calli,

and now he must think that

I'm out there on the boat.



Can you see the question mark

above my head?



Yeah, well, it's a complicated story,.

I'll fill you in on it later.



But right now, we have to go

help our friends.



Why? They left us here to rot.

I hope he kills 'em all.



- Kill! Kill! Destroy!

- Stop it. Trina, stop!



As your recently trained lover,

I'm ordering you to assist me.






Nathanial, no man's ever

talked to me like that

without eating my knuckles.



For some reason, when you say it,

I actually like it.



Oh, geez! Okay, okay, keep it in your

pants for five seconds, will ya, honey?



Come on, we're on an official

rescue mission here. Let's go.



Holy Christ

in a dump truck!



Oh, Skunk?

Mr. Expert?



Mr. Mythology Whiz,

what the hell is that?



I have no idea.

just a big guy, I guess.



We gotta head him off

before he gets his grubby hands

on The Filthy Whore! Move!



[ Pounding Fist ]

Move! Move!



[ Groaning ]



- [ Snarling ]

- [ Groaning ]



- [ Roaring ]

- [ Screaming ]



Which one of you scumbags

diddled my wife?



Come on, mister, don't be sore at us.

We didn't diddle nobody,

especially your wife.



If there's one thing I hate,

it's a wiseass.



[ Screaming ]



[ Gurgling, Yelling ]



[ Gasping ]



[ Clicking Tongue ]

Hurry,, Trina! Faster, faster!



Come on. [ Clicking Tongue ]

Go, girl, go.



All right, Trina,

I'll take it from here.



[ Nathanial ]




I stabbeth thee,

ye wretched giant...



shoe salesman-looking creature!

[ Grunting ]



- Hey!

- [ Chuckling ]



- [Yelping ]

- Now what should I do?



Kill you separately, or toss you

in the boat with your little

friends and then sit on it?



No! It was me who made sweet

love to your receptive wife.

The others are innocent.



Do you know what I do

to guys who, quote unquote,

sleep with my wife?



Discuss your disappointment

with them over a cup

of hot chocolate?






I cut their heads off

with a nail clipper. Huh!



[ Clipper Clicking ]



- Come here, you little rat bastard.

- Oh, uh--



Ya know, I think

I'll pass on that, um--



But I'd be happy to take

you up on a leg waxing.



Don't you guys

have any guns or anything?

Can't we do something?



Yeah, look the other way.

This is gonna be gruesome.



[ Sinister Chuckling ]









- It's Chocki!

- I guess he's still got a soft

spot for the kid after all.



[ Grunting, Mumbling ]



[ Laughing ]



[ Grunting, Groaning ]






[ Grunting, Groaning

Continues ]



[ Choking ]






[ Grunting, Choking ]



Big dummy.




Must come... down!



[ Groaning ]






[ Groaning ]



[ Cheering ]

That-a-boy! I knew you'd do it.







[ Giddy Laughter ]




[ Laughing ]



Way to go, kid!



[ Catches Breath ]



Good-bye, sweet Chocki.

I shan't forget you.



Half man, half shark...



equals one

complete gentleman.



-[ Captain ] Here you go.

Help him up here. Come on.

-[ Skunk ] Atta boy.



[ Grunts ]




- Whoo!

- Yeah! Ha-ha!



Oh! I'm so proud of you,




That was the most courageous

and bizarre thing I've ever seen.

[ Giggling ]



You saved our lives, kid.

I knew ya had it in ya.



You're the best cabin boy

ever, you little monkey!

[ Cackling ]



Not bad for a Jonah.



Here's a switch: You play

and we'll dance for you!

[ Laughing ]



["The Alley Cat Song'']



[ Laughter Continues ]



Well, uh, I guess

I got everything.



What's wrong, pally?

This ain't no time to drag

your ass. You got it made now.



I guess you'll be eatin' off of

silver slippers from here on out, hmm?



That's right. No more fish sticks

and chocolate milk for our cabin boy!



[ All Laughing ]



Fellas, I was just thinking.

I'm sure my daddy would give you

all jobs at the hotel.



[ All Laughing ]



Come on, squirt.

We're just a bunch of old,

broken-down fishermen.



All we know

how to do is fish.



- And stink.

- Right.



But the sea is part

of me now too.



It courses through my veins

and through my organs

and through my bladder.



Now, don't be silly, champ.

Your place is here with your papa.

You know that.



You're a fancy lad and

you ought to be proud of it.



[ Sighs ]



My big Teddy. Thanks.



Yeah, see ya, kid. Go get yourself

a couple of high-priced Hawaiian

whores for me, huh?









Take care, kid.



- Paps.

- [ Mumbling ]



Paps, you've been like the drunken,

abusive grandfather I never had.



Ah, stop that. You'll have

my glass eye foggin' over. Here.



Oh, Cappy, you're the hardest one

to say good-bye to.



I felt closest to you

throughout all of this.



You're kind of like the scarecrow

in that classic children's story,.



- The Wizard of Oz.

- No, I'm fairly certain it was

The Great Gatsby.



Eh? Oh, uh--

Good luck, Butch.



Fish sticks ain't gonna

be the same without ya.

[ Sobbing ]



All right, don't, don't do that.

You're going to get me going.



- Get out! Get, get!

- Oh, I-I'm-- Okay.



[ Sighing ]



Trina? Trina,

what's your problem?




Are you drunk or something?






it could never

work out with us.



You have this whole fancy life

waiting for you here.



I can't be part of that.



[ Sighs ]



May I charter you

a private jet for your trip home?



No. Thanks, but I plan to

swim back right after I grab lunch.



Okay, a handshake. Well, uh,

a handshake's good, I guess.



Good-bye, Nathanial.



Good-bye, Trina.



Well, I'm off then.



Good-bye, everyone.



May your days be full of mirth

and good fortune.



[ All ]







[ Man ] Look at you.

Dirty, shabby, common-looking.



Well, I hope you're happy.



You have the honor of being the first

Mayweather to smell a bit gamy.



I smell of the sea, and there's

no smell more honest or admirable.



Oh, my God!

You're delirious!



Nathanial, what are we

going to do with you?



Where in the Savior's name

are you going?



This is for you!



Come back here, boy!

You're out of your mind.



[ Trina ]




Trina! Trina.



Oh, Trina, you're still here.



Yeah, I was just about to head out.



My steak and eggs are

pretty well digested.



Listen to me. I wanna spend

the rest of my life with you at sea,



with the crew of The Filthy Whore,

like one big, happy,




mildly dysfunctional family.



Are you sure

this is what you want?



Yeah! I am sure.



I've permanently yanked

the silver spoon from my mouth,



and I buried it      miles

beneath the Earth's crust.



I mean, figuratively

speaking, of course.



I mean, who could do such a thing?

That would be insane.



Oh, Nathanial.



Your words melt

like butter in my brain.



[ Birds Chirping ]



Come on, Trina.



We've got a boat to catch.



[ Blues ]






Ooh, ooh-whee-ee 




















Special help by SergeiK