Voila! Finally, the Cactus Flower
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Goldie Hawn movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Cactus Flower. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Hey in there, something wrong?
Hey, I smell gas.
- I'm not Julian. Wake up.
- Julian, kiss me.
Sorry, Julian, whoever you are.
Who are you? What are you doing?
- You were kissing me.
- I lost my head.
- How did you get in here?
- You left your gas on.
I blew it!
I blew it! Oh, boy, I really blew it!
Take it easy. Well, you're lucky I broke in.
- Why did you?
- I thought you were dying.
That was the whole idea.
Why don't you go back
and mind your own business...
...like everybody else in New York City?
That's the last time
you catch me saving your life.
Damn it, you made me blow it!
Well, it happens
you were going about it all wrong.
You're supposed to put your head
in the stove.
It's a second-hand stove.
There were no directions.
- Why did you do it? Because of Julian?
- How do you know about Julian?
You called me that
while you were kissing me.
I wasn't kissing you. You were kissing me.
- By the way, is that all you did?
- There wasn't much time.
I'm sorry. I guess I should be grateful.
- What's your name?
- Igor Sullivan.
- Igor Sullivan. That's wild.
- I made it up.
- How come you picked Igor?
- Igor's my own. I made up the Sullivan.
- It's a good name for a writer.
- You're a writer?
You're the writer!
The one who keeps pounding
on his typewriter all night?
You drive me crazy.
Why didn't you complain?
I could have met you earlier.
- You haven't told me your name.
- Toni Simmons.
- Look, Toni, what did this Julian do to you?
He must have done something.
Did he cheat on you?
- Beat you? Is he a drunk? A crook?
He's got three kids.
I don't know why I'm telling you all this,
like you were Dear Abby.
- Is that that dirty rat Julian?
- He's not a dirty rat.
He's a dentist. A fine dentist, Fifth Avenue.
With a wife and three kids.
That's one of the things
that attracted me to him.
- You go for married men?
- I like honesty.
All my life people have lied to me
and I can't stand it.
Julian at least had the decency to warn me
he had a wife and a family.
I was in love with him, so I accepted it.
At first I thought it was going to be
a gay, carefree fling.
Then came all those nights
when he couldn't make it.
And then he called tonight and cancelled.
- It was our anniversary.
- Anniversary? Of what?
We met one year ago at Stereo Heaven.
That's the record shop where I work.
I've been there. I never noticed you.
Well, Julian did. And I noticed him.
He was charming, good-Iooking,
Sorry, I didn't know this suicide
was black tie.
Sitting here alone tonight,
it suddenly came over me.
I have wasted away my whole life.
- Do you realize I'm ?
- It's a lucky thing I smoke too much.
I was on my way to the corner
- The corner. Oh, my God!
- What's the matter?
I wrote Julian telling him
what I was going to do.
What would be the sense of killing myself
if he didn't know about it?
- Where are you going?
- I've got to get that letter back.
Wait a minute!
- How do you plan to do that?
- With string and some chewing gum.
You already broke the law
when you attempted suicide.
Don't start monkeying around
with the federal government.
I guess you're right.
- What time is it?
- It's almost : .
I've got to get up and go to work
in the morning.
Go away. I have to sleep.
- I'll take the day off.
- Yeah, why kill yourself?
Boy, you must be a pretty corny writer.
What sort of things do you write?
- What kind of plays?
All the actors keep their clothes on.
Public's not quite ready for that.
- How do you live?
- I get an allowance from my father.
I was beginning to feel sorry for you.
Everybody can't be poor.
If you need anything,
just pound on the wall.
- I'll come right away.
- Thanks, Igor.
Igor, I want you to call Julian for me
in the morning, before he gets that letter.
- Why don't you call him yourself?
- In the first place, I'll be sleeping.
And second place,
I don't want to give him the satisfaction...
...of hearing me cry.
Why not throw a scare into him?
He deserves it.
He's liable to call the cops or something.
Will you do it?
He's in the book.
Julian Winston, D.D.S., Fifth Avenue.
Julian Winston, D.D.S., Fifth Avenue.
What'll I say to him?
Tell him I'm alive
and I never want to see him again...
...as long as I live!
Dr. Winston's office. Who?
Igor Sullivan? Is it about an appointment?
I'm sorry, Mr. Sullivan,
but the doctor's with a patient right now.
If you'll just give me the message.
If you insist on speaking to him,
then you'll have to call back later.
One lousy caramel,
and the whole damned filling come out.
Mrs. Durant, it was a temporary filling,
and you were warned to be careful.
I've given up everything else.
- Is the doctor ready for me?
- He was minutes ago.
But since you were late,
he gave your time to another patient.
- 'Morning, Miss Dickinson.
- Thank you, Howard.
Would you please tell the doctor
I'm in a hurry?
- Charles is expecting me in half an hour.
Mr. Charles, the hairdresser.
Today he's taking care of me personally.
I can't keep him waiting.
Really, Mrs. Durant, your teeth
are more important than your hair.
You really believe that, don't you?
Doctor Winston's office.
Good morning, Mrs. Andrews.
The doctor is booked solid today.
Let me check with him.
Doctor, Mrs. Andrews is on the phone.
Her bridge is wobbling.
Tell her to come at :
Yes, Doctor. And Mrs. Durant is here.
When you get a minute,
I'd like to speak to you.
please don't handle the instruments.
I was reading the other day
a dentist in New Jersey has topless nurses.
I didn't know
you were interested in reading.
She really turns me off.
I thought all Swedish dames were sexy.
I've seen some of those movies,
but this one's like an iceberg.
- She's very efficient.
- Have you seen her out of her uniform?
I mean, in street clothes?
I'll bet she wears corrective hats.
What you don't like about Miss Dickinson
is exactly what I do like about her.
She's like a wife, a good wife:
...takes care of everything for me
during the day.
At night, she goes home, to her home.
And I, with no problems and no cares,
go to my girl.
- My life is arranged the way I like it.
- Your girl?
- One girl? Singular?
- Didn't I tell you? It's been a year.
That's not the old Julian Winston I knew
in the old days.
The Dancing Dentist
at the Copa every night with a new girl.
Toni has changed all that.
I don't want anyone else.
- You mean you're in love with her?
- I tried to fight it.
Last night I deliberately broke a date
with Toni to go out with another girl.
Airline stewardess: Tall, built,
spectacular-Iooking Australian girl.
We went up to her place,
had a few drinks. Open.
- Bite. Stay that way.
- You can't leave me hanging like this.
- You wanted to see me about something?
- Yes, Doctor.
I've been meaning to speak to you
about Mr. Greenfield's bill.
- Miss Dickinson, he's an old friend.
- He's taking advantage of you.
There are some things a man just can't do.
I won't push for money.
I've known him too long.
- You do it.
- Well, I'll be happy to.
- What's this?
- I ordered you some new shirts.
Yours are frayed around the collar.
You should change laundry.
They use too much starch.
- Stop mothering me.
- Here's a letter for you, Doctor.
When I'm through with Mr. Greenfield.
So, you went up to her place.
You had a few drinks...
Oh, yes. The stewardess. Beautiful girl.
- Then what happened?
- Nothing. Toni stopped me.
- She showed up?
- In my mind.
Suddenly I saw her face before me
and I couldn't go through with it.
- I left, walked out.
- You wasted a whole stewardess?
- You going to get married?
- Married? Who said that?
- lf you feel that way about your girl...
- I feel that way because she's my girl.
You'd never catch me
feeling that way about a wife.
I've got a perfect setup.
Why spoil it by getting married?
That's a very healthy outlook.
What about her?
All girls want to get married.
I've been subdivided three times.
Not Toni Simmons.
She thinks I'm already married.
You pulled that old stunt, huh?
The minute I met her, I knew
this girl could make me do anything.
So just to protect myself in the clinches...
...I told her
that I had a wife and three children.
- Three children is a nice touch.
- I told it to her right away...
...so everything between us
is open and aboveboard.
That's such a big, dirty, rotten, filthy lie,
it has class.
Now, I'm going to put this back.
It should hold you till next week.
All right, bite down hard.
That's it. Stay like that.
- Give Mr. Greenfield another appointment.
I know you won't have time
to go out for lunch today...
...so I made you your favourite sandwiches:
chicken and egg salad.
- You always liked them.
- lf you say so.
I'm so terribly sorry I was late.
It's all right, dear lady. That is all right.
But I understand we've been very naughty.
I don't know about you,
but I had one little caramel.
Besides being bad for your teeth,
...think of how caramels
can hurt those splendid hips.
Isn't he a marvellous dentist?
But with his talents he would have made
an even better obstetrician.
- In here, Mrs. Durant.
- See you next week.
I listened to you about your girl.
Let me tell you about mine.
She's a beautiful girl
with a figure like a Greek goddess.
- Great, big, beautiful eyes.
- Yeah, but her teeth need work.
- Harvey, you pulled this on me before.
- Doctor, Mrs. Durant is ready.
But, Julian, old buddy.
All right, send her in
and I'll see what I can do.
But don't you know any girls
with straight teeth?
Excuse me, Sergeant... Miss Dickinson.
Dr. Winston asked me to make
an appointment for a lady friend of mine.
How about a week from Tuesday
at : a.m.?
- You're kidding. I'm asleep at : a.m.
- I thought this appointment was for a lady.
We're both asleep at : a.m.
- I hope I haven't shocked you.
- No, but it must be a terrible shock for her.
Will you get me
Mrs. Durant's chart, please?
By the way, Mr. Greenfield,
who's paying for this treatment?
Put it on my tab.
- There is no more room on your tab.
I feel insulted.
It isn't as if I'm planning to stick you.
It isn't as if
you're planning to pay me, either.
Things are slow for actors
this time of year.
- But as soon as the new TV season starts...
- How about Thursday at : p.m.?
- Is that too early?
- We'll set the alarm.
- Will you prepare an anaesthetic syringe?
You said something about a letter?
Yes, and your tailor called
about your fitting.
I can't do for you any more...
...than I can go to the barber for you,
which you can also use.
- Oh, my God!
- What's wrong?
- Why didn't you show me this before?
- I tried to, but...
Are you leaving?
What about Mrs. Durant
and the other patients?
- You handle it.
- Doctor, really!
If your girlfriends start to come
before your patients...
Miss Dickinson, shut up!
Dr. Winston's office.
No, he's not here.
Look, Mr. Sullivan, if it is that important,
you'd better tell me about it.
What? Toni is alive? Who is Toni? Hello?
I didn't know dentists made house calls.
I knew it.
- Knew what?
- That you wouldn't do it.
A whole day full of appointments...
...and you send a letter
that you're going to kill yourself...
...and then don't.
- Sorry to disappoint you.
- The whole thing was a fake, wasn't it?
- Everything between us is a fake.
Because I broke one lousy date last night?
that I had a very important meeting...
...with an Australian dentist.
We were comparing techniques.
Don't try to spare my feelings, Julian.
I know you were out with your wife.
If you know, you know.
I've made up my mind, Julian.
What are you talking about?
We're so happy together.
- We are?
- I'm happy together.
I've decided to want a man of my own.
Exclusively. No more going halfsies.
I packed your pyjamas,
toothbrush and your picture.
Toni, this isn't like you.
Hi. I didn't know you had company.
It's only Julian. This is Igor Sullivan.
- I spoke to your nurse on the telephone.
- Something wrong with your teeth?
I called to tell you that Toni's alive...
...and you didn't have to worry
about her letter.
- You feeling all right, Toni?
- I'm fine. Thanks.
I wanted to make sure you weren't playing
any more tricks with the gas.
- Toni, I'm a bastard, a no-good bastard.
- No, Julian.
- You really tried to kill yourself over me?
- Stupid, wasn't it?
I'm a bastard,
the biggest bastard in the whole world.
Please, you're starting to make it sound
It wasn't your fault.
I knew what I was getting into.
- You've always told the truth.
- I should've kept my mouth shut.
You couldn't. You're a decent guy.
That's why I fell in love with you.
Now I'm returning you
to your wife and your children.
I hope you'll be happy.
Everything's going to be all right.
I'm going to make it up to you.
You'll take me away for another
fun-filled weekend at some motel.
No more weekends and no more motels.
Toni, I'm going to marry you.
How do you mean, marry?
You know, marry, with the judge,
the blood test, the license.
- But what about your wife?
- I'll divorce her.
- The children?
- I'll divorce them, too.
- This isn't funny.
- I should have done it a long time ago.
Baby, when I think you were ready to die
because of me...
Julian, you really do love me.
Did you ever doubt it?
- Julian, not now.
- Why not?
Igor's next door. He can hear everything.
- Igor's been next door before.
- But I hadn't met him then.
Look, the sooner we move you out of here,
Now that you're going to be
Mrs. Julian Winston.
Imagine that. Me, a married man.
- I mean, me, married to you.
- Julian, what's going to become of her?
- Your wife?
- Why do we keep talking about my wife?
You're going to have
to make some arrangements about her.
- What do you figure on doing?
- Simple. Hup, out!
Is that what you'll say
when you get tired of me?
- "Hup, out"?
- No, this is different, darling.
I love you. My wife and I...
I never even knew her.
How did the three children come?
Well, at the beginning I was polite.
Will you stop worrying about my wife?
She'll be taken care of.
- What if she refuses to give you a divorce?
- She wouldn't dare. Let's forget her.
The thought of being a housebreaker
sort of spoils things!
A housebreaker is a crook.
I'm stealing you away from your wife.
You may not believe it,
but I have certain standards.
Toni, I haven't wanted to go into this...
...but what if I told you
that it's my wife who wants the divorce?
You mean she found out about us?
Let's just say she wants her freedom, too.
In that case, I'll be proud to marry you.
- What the hell are you doing there?
- Fixing Toni's window.
If she waits for the janitor,
it'll take forever.
Tell him to get the hell out
and come back later.
Julian, don't be so impatient.
Now that we're engaged...
...don't you think
we should do something to celebrate?
Let's do something
we've never done before.
You can take me out in the daytime.
Did you get enough sauerkraut?
- I want to meet her.
- Your wife.
- My wife?
I want to get things straightened out
Come on. That really isn't necessary.
I want her to tell me herself
she wants to leave you.
She does. Have I ever lied to you?
- You'll arrange it, won't you, Julian?
For me to meet your wife.
It's important she doesn't think of me
as some sort of house-wrecker.
- I don't want to hide if I run into her.
Believe me, you'll never run into her.
Julian, if I don't meet your wife,
I won't be happy.
If I'm not happy, then you won't be happy.
I'll bet he cheated and used a ruler.
- When am I going to meet her?
- You can take my word for it.
- You've got to promise.
- I'll do nothing of the kind.
- Now let's just drop the whole thing.
- All right, let's drop it.
Do you know what this represents?
- Goodbye, Julian.
It's was very nice knowing you.
Just a minute. Toni, come back here.
Wait a minute. Toni!
You'll meet her.
You'll meet her!
- Oh, Señor Sanchez...
- The doctor, he is waiting?
I tried to call you at the UN,
but you had left.
The doctor had to cancel
his appointments today.
- That's too bad.
- But as long as you're here...
...we might as well x-ray that tooth
that's bothering you.
I don't mind.
But you're not afraid of Dr. Winston,
It's funny, by nature I am not a coward.
I'm known in my own country as El Bravo.
El Bravo. How about that?
I have been through six bloody revolutions.
At United Nations, I've sat in my seat...
...I've listened to a nine-hour speech
by the Bulgarian delegate.
Yet, when it comes to dentists...
Well, we all have our little weaknesses.
- I have several big ones.
- Now, Señor Sanchez.
I cannot help myself.
There is something so provocative
about a nurse in uniform.
No frills, no adornments,
just the basic woman.
Now, you hold that with your finger.
There we are.
Hold still, Señor, or the basic woman
is liable to x-ray your nose.
There we are.
Miss Dickinson, you're an attractive
woman, yet you try to conceal it.
Very successfully, I'd say.
But we Latins have an eye
for hidden beauty.
For centuries, our women were covered up
with mantillas, long dresses, veils.
we have had to develop an instinct...
...for guessing what was underneath.
- I'll give you another appointment.
You're very charming, my dear,
and so easy to talk to.
- You are a woman worth knowing.
- What about next Friday at : ?
- Wonderful! Where shall we meet?
- This is for you and Dr. Winston.
I would like for us to have one night,
candlelight, soft guitars...
- Will you bring along your wife?
- You would not like her. Nobody likes her.
Let's make it for next Friday,
after my appointment.
Señor Sanchez, I can't.
You're a married man.
I cannot understand.
If I'm a married man, it is my problem.
What has it got to do with you?
I would not be prejudiced
if you were married.
Señor Sanchez, how are you?
Come. I can take you now.
I cannot take you now.
I'm sorry I ran out on you this morning.
- I managed.
- I knew you would.
You knew I would.
I didn't know I would.
But I did. Rearranged your appointments.
Said you had to go to your dentist.
That made them happy.
I can always count on you in a jam.
If you don't need me anymore, Doctor,
I'm going home.
I'll get that.
Don't worry. You'll meet her.
- Miss Dickinson.
- Yes, Doctor?
Are you in a hurry this evening?
Why, no, Doctor,
if there's anything I can do for you.
I thought maybe you'd like to come out
and have a drink with me.
Are you asking me to go out?
Why? Is there somebody else
in that closet?
I don't understand.
It's the most natural thing in the world
for a doctor to take his nurse out.
After ten years, this is the first time
that you have ever invited me.
Better a little late than a little never.
And I suddenly realized
that I have no idea...
...of what your life is like outside the office.
Tell me about Stephanie Dickinson, civilian.
- I don't know where to begin.
- That's a good place.
- I live in Jackson Heights.
- That much I know.
No, I live with my sister Anna
and her husband and their two boys...
...and a bulldog named Max.
- Sounds cosy.
- Yes. I like large families.
I help Anna with the cooking.
After dinner I walk the dog, or I read,
watch TV, if there's a good documentary.
- And sometimes we play Monopoly.
- Monopoly. That's fun.
And my brother-in-law is very good at it,
but he cheats.
Then on Saturdays
I take my two nephews to town.
We go to the zoo or the park.
What do you do on your vacation?
That's when I become a different person:
- I saddle up my little Volvo...
- That's a good car.
I break away and tool up to Cape Cod.
- Yes. Just me, my paintbox and Max.
- The dog.
For the two weeks, I wear blue jeans
and walk around barefoot...
...and paint up a storm.
What about your personal life? I mean...
- You mean men?
- At the moment, there are no men.
- But there have been?
Doctor, I'm no sex goddess,
but I haven't spent my life in a tree.
I was married when I was very young,
but it didn't work out.
- Married? I had no idea.
- Neither did he.
And once I was very much in love.
It lasted for a long time, but...
- He couldn't leave his wife.
- Him, too.
- What do you mean, "him, too"?
Nothing. I was thinking of a similar case.
In this job,
you don't meet anything but married men.
I suppose all the single ones
have good teeth.
Frankly, I hadn't planned on being
an old maid.
An old maid? Nonsense.
You've got a long way to go.
I've been talking an awful lot
and I'm afraid I'll be late for dinner.
I'm glad we had this little talk.
You're a very rare person:
sensitive and generous.
Yes, I guess I'm all right.
I have a feeling that if I found myself
in trouble, I could count on you for help.
You know that's true, Doctor.
But sometimes a problem comes up
that's so difficult that...
Why don't you try me?
you could do me a great service.
You see I'm desperately in need of a wife.
- Please, don't misunderstand me.
- I never expected...
I need a wife temporarily,
fifteen or twenty minutes.
Fifteen or twenty minutes?
I'm telling all of this very badly.
I want someone
to play the part of my wife.
- Someone like me.
- lf only you would.
It wouldn't involve any...
All you'd have to do is tell a certain person
that you want a divorce.
I've suddenly decided to get married.
- I guess I didn't tell you.
- No, you didn't tell me.
Well, I have. Her name is Toni Simmons.
I'm supposed to give you a message.
That's only part of it.
My problem is
she thinks I'm already married.
Where did she get such an idea?
I had my reasons.
But I'll straighten that out later.
I have to dig up a wife.
Stop digging and tell the girl the truth.
I can't tell her anything now.
She's liable to...
Well, she's so young and she's had
a lot of unfortunate experiences.
I'm the first decent man she's ever met.
Are you quoting her, or you?
Toni is a wonderful girl.
She won't get married
unless she meets my wife.
doesn't want to be a housebreaker.
I mean, a house-wrecker. Isn't that sweet?
- Just darling.
- She works at Stereo Heaven in the Village.
- lf you would just go and meet her...
- I'm sorry. I hate lies.
No more than I do, Miss Dickinson,
no more than I.
But to get out of this one,
my happiness lies in your two hands.
For years these hands have held nothing
but your instruments...
...and your appointment book.
You've managed to handle your happiness
without any help from me.
And now you want to use me
in this contemptible way.
You tricked me into talking about myself
What you did wasn't very nice, Doctor.
Not very nice at all.
You just can't get decent help these days.
I thought you were taking us
to the zoo today.
This is better than the zoo.
Here, go and buy yourselves an ice cream.
I'll be over there in the record shop.
I'll meet you here.
- Don't you have this in mono?
- It's been discontinued.
Let me look in the stockroom.
Maybe we still have a copy.
Can I help you?
No thanks. Just browsing.
- When will you get the Horowitz concert?
- It should be in later this week.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Looking for something in particular?
That Horowitz album, if I order it now,
will you mail it to me?
- Certainly. May I have your name, please?
- Mrs. Julian Winston.
Do you have an account with us?
No, but my husband
does a lot of business here.
- Surely you remember my husband.
- I may have assisted him sometime.
I wouldn't be surprised.
- Maybe you didn't catch my name.
Mrs. Julian Winston.
Would you handle this? My customer?
I'll take care of this.
Mrs. Winston, I'm Toni Simmons.
I suppose you came here to see me.
Dr. Winston, my husband, said that
you were most anxious to meet me.
Well, here I am.
Did he tell you about our plans?
- The divorce. Naturally.
- Well, what?
- You don't mind?
The doctor and I are in agreement
about the divorce.
I can't tell you
how good that makes me feel.
- I made your day?
- You see, Mrs. Winston...
Call me Stephanie.
I won't be Mrs. Winston much longer.
- Then you do mind?
- Of course not.
Things between the doctor and me
have become impossible.
I can't tell you
how good that makes me feel.
May I ask you a question?
Are you absolutely sure
that you love Julian?
- Do I love him?
- Do you?
Madly. Wildly. Desperately.
As long as you're fond of him.
I don't want him to end up unhappy.
I understand, especially after he had
such a terrible marriage.
It was not so terrible.
Our marriage lasted ten years and we...
I notice you're not wearing a ring.
Well, when something is over, it's over.
I just hope that you have better luck
with Julian than I did.
I'm sure I will.
There's one thing that's bothering me...
I'll be happy to play this for you,
if you'll just come...
- Who's going to tell the children?
- The children?
It's going to be tough explaining
a horrible thing to three young children.
Three. We have to tell them.
Well, I'll tell them.
Julian is no good at that sort of thing.
- How will they take it?
- They'll get used to it.
Now I'll be able to devote myself to them
I've been busy helping Julian
with his work.
- Of course, he does have a nurse.
- Yes. I hear Miss Dickinson is marvellous.
One of those sterling old maids,
probably madly in love with the boss.
- Did Julian tell you that?
- No, not exactly.
But one night when he worked late,
I suddenly got jealous of Miss Dickinson.
When I told him about it,
he just laughed and laughed.
- Have you ever been jealous of her?
- Not me.
A woman who marries Julian
must not be the possessive type.
I know Julian must have played around.
when a man has a terrible marriage...
Don't keep saying that. I must go, really.
Mrs. Winston, you asked me a question,
and now I want to ask you one.
Are you sure you don't love him anymore?
Of course I don't love him anymore.
But you can't leave a man after so many
years without feeling a little pain.
A man with whom you have shared normal,
Worrying about his barber,
making sandwiches for him.
chicken and egg salad sandwiches.
And buying his shirts, his pyjamas,
his handkerchiefs, looking after him.
Planning for him, a man who's all yours.
At least, almost all yours.
I don't know what has come over me.
I'm talking nonsense.
It must be that music.
You will see that I get
that Horowitz album?
Of course. Shall I charge it to Dr. Winston?
I'd better get used to paying
for things myself.
- You want it sent to your home?
No. Send it to Glenwood,
Jackson Heights, Apartment A.
You moved out?
I packed everything, children included,
and moved in with my sister.
I thought that was the best thing
What about your future?
What's going to become of you?
I'll ride into the sunset.
Well, I want to be sure you're all right.
Well, I'll write you every day.
I want you to know I think
you're a very gracious, charming...
...and very brave woman.
Thank you, my dear.
- I thought it was Toni.
- What if it had been?
I want to get my electric razor
from her apartment.
Why would it be in there?
Because you can't slash wrists
with an electric razor.
I took her blades.
- Butt out of my fiancée's life.
Look, dentist, stop stringing the girl along.
You're not going to leave your wife.
For your information, sir,
Toni and I are getting married.
- She didn't tell me.
- Why should she?
Hey, Igor. That's a new towel.
I just heard the good news.
Thanks, Igor. It'll take a while yet.
- First there's the divorce.
- We haven't gotten our divorce yet?
Would you give Tarzan here
his electric razor?
I'm sorry, Igor. I should have returned it.
So, you haven't gotten the divorce yet?
I'd like to have you in my chair
for five minutes.
- Next time, don't come in that outfit.
You want me to get all dressed up
How come you're so late?
Julian, I had a visitor at the shop
this afternoon. Your wife.
- She came?
- She was magnificent.
Handled herself beautifully.
She's a real lady.
Well, I don't marry just anybody.
- Then everything is all cleared up?
- Julian, you lied to me.
Never! What did she tell you? I deny it.
You may not be aware of it yourself,
but your wife still loves you.
I'm telling you, your wife still loves you.
Did she not tell you
that she agrees to a divorce?
She's only doing it to make you happy.
She's crazy about you.
Stay calm. Tell me what the damn fool...
What my wife said.
Well, it's not what she said,
it's what she didn't say.
Tell me what she didn't say.
Word for word.
It was the way she talked about you,
your barber, your shirts, handkerchiefs.
I got all choked up.
And she mentioned
those chicken and egg salad sandwiches.
You mean to say that
she bragged about her damn sandwiches?
She didn't brag. She just told me.
It sounded as if they were made with love.
They were made
with too much mayonnaise.
Next time I'm going to smack her
right across the mouth with it.
There's a cruel streak in you.
This fine woman who...
"This fine woman"?
Suddenly you're my wife's lawyer.
- You wanted to see her. I fixed it.
- That was a mistake.
Maybe if I never met her...
But I did and I liked her.
- Especially when I saw her with the kids.
- The kids?
She brought the kids?
They were waiting for her
across the street.
Not the little girl, just the two boys.
- Must be those damn nephews.
- Incidentally, how old is Peter?
That's your older boy, isn't it?
Yes, that's Peter all right.
- Let's see, how old would he be now?
- You told me he was .
- Well, if that's what I told you.
- Well, he looked more like to me.
No, it's the younger boy who's .
Peter is .
That's very interesting, considering
you've only been married years.
Come on, Julian, the truth.
Well, all right.
The truth is, Peter was a premature baby.
He was born before we were married.
I'm glad. That confirms everything.
Here's a woman who gave herself
to you before you were married.
That proves it was true love.
For God's sake, Toni.
I'd feel guilty if I did anything to...
Toni, I told you that she wants the divorce
as much as I do.
And for a very good reason.
What good reason?
What good reason?
Your wife? Another man?
I'd be very much surprised.
A man with a normal ego
wouldn't lie about that.
Maybe you're right.
The fact that you've been cheated on
makes it all seem nicer somehow.
- As long as you're happy.
- Why shouldn't she have a boyfriend?
- You have a mistress.
- You nut.
Julian, if we're going to dinner
and a movie...
Why don't we stay in
and scramble something?
- I don't think we ought to do this anymore.
You're getting a divorce.
We ought to be more careful.
- We don't want this to get messy.
- No. But, baby...
It's only for six weeks
while she goes to Reno.
Reno? Hell, I'm going to send her
to Mexico for a quickie divorce.
In, out, finished, bingo.
Do you think he'll marry her?
- Your wife's boyfriend.
- I don't know. Maybe. Who cares?
- I'm curious.
- What's he like? What does he do?
- I have no idea. I don't know him.
Wouldn't you like to meet him?
Look him over?
Toni, you're getting that look. Two, please.
But, Julian, this man
may become your children's stepfather.
He may rob your wife, exploit or beat her.
You have to arrange for us to meet him.
I'll do it myself.
Now that I know her, I'll just call her.
No, you mustn't!
You won't do this one little thing for me?
But it's such a little thing.
All we do is find a man...
And, if you'll excuse me,
I have to develop some x-rays.
I threw this boyfriend thing at you
- I'll get rid of Mrs. Durant and then...
- It won't do any good.
Boy, you're getting
as prickly as your damn cactus.
- What's going on between you two?
- Nothing in particular.
Don't try to fool me, Doc.
I have a very good nose for sexual tension.
That's very funny, Mrs. Durant.
- You'll ruin the x-rays.
- Now, listen, Miss Dickinson...
You listen to me. I posed as your wife.
I did it. I think I did it beautifully.
Toni thinks you're still in love with me.
- Not you, my wife.
- How could she get an idea like that?
- From you.
Nonsense. I acted like a dignified,
civilized, willing-to-be-divorced wife.
I couldn't take my situation lightly
because of the children.
Why did you bring them?
That's what choked her up.
I always take my nephews out
If I can't spend my weekends as I see fit,
me and my cactus will be glad to resign.
- You know I can't get along without you.
- Of course I do.
Help me not as a friend, but as a nurse.
It's your professional duty.
Yes. My problems with Toni
are beginning to affect my work.
Just now I hurt Mrs. Durant. She felt pain.
It's the first time I've ever hurt a patient.
Too bad it wasn't Harvey Greenfield.
You played that part of my wife once
and you enjoyed yourself. Admit it.
- Yes. It wasn't too bad.
- All right.
Here's your chance to play
a return engagement.
No actress quits after one performance.
So, I lose a husband and gain a lover?
At least I don't feel abandoned.
Good. We have to find someone
to play the part of your boyfriend.
What about Señor Sanchez?
He keeps sniffing around me.
the dirty Monopoly player?
Doctor, you want me
to furnish my own props?
- You find me one.
- That won't be easy.
I mean, we have to find someone
I know I can trust.
Am I late?
- Actually, Harvey, you're just in time.
- Not him!
What's going on here?
Boy, does she hate me.
You're wrong about that.
Harvey, would you like
to have your girl's teeth fixed for free?
- I thought you'd never show up.
- You mean, you hoped.
Right this way, Mr. Greenfield.
- Why did you choose this place?
- It's the new in spot.
- I never heard of it.
- Nobody has. That's why it's popular.
Well, what'll you have to drink?
- Let's go all out and have champagne.
- Very good, Madame.
- Where are they?
- They'll be here.
You know, you look different
when you're dressed up.
In the office, you look like a large Band-Aid.
I couldn't care less what you think of me.
I'm your lover, remember?
That's the reason you're getting a divorce.
So, let's act a little crazy about me,
- What about it?
- It's on my knee.
Sorry, I thought it was mine.
- Shall we dance?
- I'd rather walk on hot coals.
This is going to be a smashing evening.
I didn't know
they made champagne in Idaho.
- Drink. It'll make me look better to you.
- There isn't that much wine in the world.
- To our love affair.
- God forbid.
There they are.
- Quick what?
And act natural, romantic. Flirt with me.
You want me to act natural
and flirt with you at the same time?
You really are a louse.
A scotch and water
and a scotch and soda, please.
- Julian, don't look now, but it's your wife.
- My wife? Nonsense.
No, I'm sure that's her over there
with that man.
That's my wife, all right.
And with her boyfriend.
- What do you know about that?
- This is embarrassing.
- Well, you insisted on seeing him.
- But now I feel like a spy. Let's go.
Well, as long as we're here,
how do you know that's her boyfriend?
Well, who else could it be?
Besides, look at them.
They act very affectionate.
Yes, they do.
I thought she only played Monopoly.
Go easy on that stuff.
I'm not sure I can pay for it.
Dr. Winston gave me money for the check.
I don't think they've noticed us.
We'd better push it. Let's dance.
- But when I asked...
- Shut up and dance.
She dances, too.
Everything about your wife
seems to surprise you.
It's been so long
since we've really communicated.
Come on, I want to look at them closer.
- Your hand!
- I'm only human.
- Oh, sorry.
- Hello, Julian.
- Talk about coincidence.
- Good evening.
- I want you to meet my...
- Hi, honey.
I'm Harvey Greenfield, the boyfriend.
- Harvey, this is my husband.
- Good to meet you, old man.
- I've heard a lot about you.
- Join us for a drink?
No. Well, I...
We are civilized people,
unless you two prefer to be alone.
Hell, no! I mean, we are civilized people.
Look, why don't you come to our table?
This party's on me.
- What do you think of him?
- Ask me later.
It's strange to see you in a nightclub.
I didn't know you were such a swinger.
- You never really knew me, my dear.
- Can we have some more glasses, please?
Julian thinks of me as a homebody...
...because of all the years
I was trapped by the children.
By the way, Mr. Greenfield,
how do you like children?
That's the kind of joke made by a man
who is trying to hide his feelings.
- Deep down, I know you love children.
- Deep down.
Deep down. Yes, especially yours.
I'm nuts about them.
what kind of work do you do?
- I don't work, honey, I'm an actor.
- Pour the wine.
Isn't that a very insecure profession?
That's quite a girl you've got there, Julian.
I hear it's going to happen soon
between you two.
As soon as we can.
- I hardly think it's the moment to...
- Come on, Toni.
We have nothing to hide
from these people.
It's all in the family.
Stephanie and I have nothing to hide.
- Let's change the subject.
- Look at her blushing. Isn't she cute?
She acts cold in public.
But when we're alone together, oh, boy.
I forgot you knew her as well as I do.
- Let's have another drink.
- The party's dying.
There you are, Harvey.
I'm sorry I'm late, honey. Hello, everybody.
- Won't you sit down?
- No, she doesn't want to.
- We have to talk now. It's business.
- Did we have a date, or didn't we?
She's the daughter of my TV sponsor.
Silly debutante. I'll be right back.
What are you doing?
Quiet, or you'll be stuck
with your old teeth.
Would you excuse me, please?
I'll go and powder my nose.
- Do you want me to go with you?
- No, dear. I'm all right.
- Well, Julian.
- What's wrong?
- He's a bum.
- I wouldn't say that.
But earlier I saw her slip some money
to him under the table.
- That doesn't mean anything.
- Did you get a load of that girl?
I wasn't paying much attention.
When she bent over it looked
like she had her knees up inside her dress.
I could give a dozen explanations,
but you might as well know the real one.
- I'm a member of the CIA.
- The CIA?
- I thought you were a television actor.
- That's my cover.
So, if you see me with another girl,
pretend not to know me...
...or it could put my life in danger.
I wouldn't want to do that.
It doesn't matter what we think of him.
It's my wife who loves him.
Didn't you see how humiliated she was?
- What do you want me to do about it?
- We have got to save her from that man.
The man probably had
a little too much to drink.
You keep defending him.
I'm angry you were so chummy with him.
Julian, my respect for you
is going down every minute.
- Is the party still going on?
- Not for you, Mr. Greenfield.
- I don't like how you treated my wife.
- A joke's a joke.
And the way you behaved toward my girl.
I want you to leave quietly...
...and never see my wife again.
Or my children.
Wait a minute, buster.
If I hear you've been bothering Stephanie,
I'll knock all your teeth out.
- You'll have to put them back in again.
- Get out!
I guess that'll take care of him.
You know, Julian, I've never seen you
being so physical before.
- You were beautiful.
- It was nothing.
Why don't we go over to your place
where we can be alone?
I'd like that.
I am a little tired, so I think I'll go home.
If you'll excuse me.
You're going home alone?
Without an escort?
I'm used to that. Thank you. Good night.
Wait. Julian can drop me off
and then drive you home.
- No, I couldn't do that.
- He'd be glad to. Won't you, dear?
It's all settled.
Thank you. It's been so long since
Julian and I have gone home together.
You're a great little fixer.
I'll dump her and then come to your place.
No, Julian, not tonight. Stay with her.
- What am I going to do with her?
- You're gonna be very nice.
- Now, wait a minute...
- Very nice, to please me.
Doctor, I know how anxious you are
to dump me and get back to Toni, so you...
- I'm not going back there.
- You're not going back?
Toni thought you looked humiliated
and told me to stay with you.
Stay with me?
Let's get our stories straight.
Are we supposed
to have spent the night together?
No. I've thought it over
and I've decided to tell the truth.
I'll buy a present and tell the truth,
then she and I can get married.
- Then everything is fine.
- No, it isn't.
When she finds out that I lied,
she'll do something desperate.
It's your fault. You tried to louse me up.
Harvey was trying his best back there.
- You didn't have to act so humiliated.
- I was humiliated.
You have this hang-up about men
that destroys any possible relationship.
- That's what makes you hate Harvey.
- No one needs a reason to hate him.
You de-feminize yourself.
I've noticed it around the office and me.
I was hired as a nurse-receptionist,
not a geisha girl.
You're afraid. Afraid of emotion,
afraid of intimacy, afraid to live.
If living is the way you carry on,
then you're right.
I'm telling you this for your own good.
Funny, whenever people hurt your feelings,
they're always doing it for your own good.
Turn right at the next corner.
- Hi, Igor.
- Hi. You got Aïda with Callas?
Sure. You know,
I haven't heard your typewriter lately.
I'm too depressed to work.
I wish Mother had taken the pill.
- What's your problem, a girl?
- No, I've outgrown that stuff.
Sex is for teenagers.
Seem to need something else.
- I don't know what.
- I know exactly how you feel.
- Can I read your play sometime?
- Yeah, it'd be nice if somebody did.
I'd like that.
- Want me to put it in a sack?
- No, I'll listen to it here.
Do you always stand up there like that?
Nobody around here looks.
Most of our customers are classical.
- What are you doing here?
- My lunch hour. I brought a present.
It isn't even my birthday or anything.
Let's go in the back.
- Gee, I wonder what could be in here.
- Black leather slacks.
- Can't you think bigger than that?
What could be bigger
than black leather slacks? Okay, I give up.
A mink stole!
A mink stole!
And a card, too.
"Your next appointment is on..."
"As ever, Julian." How sweet.
Aren't you going to try it on?
A mink stole.
Okay, what are you trying to tell me?
Why do you think
I'm trying to tell you something?
You're not stingy, but you're not
the last of the big-time spenders, either.
As a matter of fact, there was something
that I wanted to tell you.
- It's about me and my...
- Your wife?
- I get the message.
- You do?
Last night, you and she...
For old times' sake.
Don't apologize. After all,
it was I who told you to be nice to her.
it was up to you to decide how nice.
Look, Toni, it's nothing like that.
You see, the fact is, Stephanie is...
- Miss Simmons.
Would you step in here
for a moment, please?
Yes, Mr. Shirley.
May I ask what's going on here?
This gentleman is looking for a stereo
to match the colour of his wife's mink.
When I think how many nuts are running
around loose in this town... Carry on.
Now, go ahead.
You were saying, Stephanie is...
Yes, you see, Stephanie is...
Come on, let's have it. You know me.
I can forgive anything but a lie.
Let me try to help.
You have a problem with Stephanie, right?
- Let's see, she drinks?
- She's a kleptomaniac?
She takes acid?
There's only one other thing I know a man
would really be ashamed to talk about.
Stephanie is no nymphomaniac.
I guessed it.
That's what you came here to tell me?
- Give me all the details.
- What can I tell you?
Except my wife is a slave to her desires.
That's a very sweet way
of describing a nympho.
You can imagine
what my life has been like.
You've got to take the children
from her immediately.
Why? It's not catching.
You've got to fight her for custody.
Come to think of it,
the children don't look much like you.
The whole thing
is too painful to talk about.
You poor darling.
When I think of that awful woman.
What am I saying? She's not awful.
She's marvellous. I admire her courage.
Now that the whole ugly story is out,
we'll never mention her name again.
You know what I was doing
when you arrived?
Sending a present to Stephanie.
She likes Horowitz. What's her address?
Just send it to the office.
Miss Dickinson will forward it.
- What do you mean by that? See you later.
This time I was dressed.
What have you got there?
It's mink. From Julian.
- My Aunt Bertha has one just like it.
- I know. I wanted black leather slacks.
He thought this would please me.
It's a throwback to the days when a hunter
would give his wife the dead animal skins.
Wonder how many minks Julian has killed?
That's very unkind, Igor.
When I think of all the women
who would do anything for this...
...and I don't really want it.
This is my chance to do a good deed.
I was going to send his wife records.
I'll send this mink instead.
What's wrong? She'll love it.
Mrs. Winston will never accept
a mink stole from you.
Where's that card?
"As ever, Julian."
That should do it.
Anyway, it's just sort of a care package.
Toni, you're a kook. But a nice kook.
Señor Sanchez, you're ten minutes early.
Imagine, Arturo Sanchez
being early for the dentist.
- It is a new man, no?
- Certainly is.
Today I hurried.
- Do you know why?
- El Bravo rides again.
The cowardly fear of the dentist
is completely overcome by the desire...
...to see the lovely Miss Dickinson.
- I'll tell Dr. Winston you're here.
Wait. Do not call him yet.
Have you ever been to a diplomatic ball?
- Me? It's a little out of my line.
- Tonight there will be such a function.
It'll be boring, unless you accompany me.
- But your wife?
- Must we take my wife everywhere?
She's spending a week at a fat farm.
but I don't have the kind of clothes...
I can buy you anything.
In a Swiss bank, I have $ million.
It's nice of you, but I'm afraid not.
I must warn you,
the men in my family are persistent.
Two hundred years after Columbus...
...we persisted in thinking
that the world was flat.
Package for Mrs. Winston.
- Yes, I'll take it.
- I didn't know Dr. Winston was married.
It's always a shock
when it happens to someone you know.
We're low on acrylic cement.
I wish you'd reorder it.
Yes, Doctor. I already did yesterday.
The firing squad. No, blindfold, huh?
Doctor, this package just arrived
for Mrs. Winston.
Yes, that's a present for you.
- For me? From whom?
- One of your fans.
"As ever, Julian."
the patient's x-rays, please.
I'm so overwhelmed.
I don't know how to thank you.
- And that lovely card, "As ever, Julian."
Yes, of course.
I wanted to get you something
I thought you'd like.
You've put up with a lot from me lately.
I never dreamed I...
I never expected anything like this.
It's all right, if you like Horowitz.
Horowitz? Must be the name of the furrier.
- These are Harvey Greenfield's x-rays.
- I'm so sorry, Doctor.
What is it, Doctor?
Is there something wrong with my x-ray?
You know how nervous I am.
Hello, Anna. I want you to run over
to Lucille's Dress Shop.
There's an evening dress there.
I want you to buy it for me.
I need it tonight. I'm going to a ball.
Doctor, you can tell me the truth.
It is an abscess?
The nerve is dead?
All my teeth have to go?
But, Doctor, talk to me, please.
Is she your dearest friend?
Do you realise
how much I paid for that mink?
You're never going to stop nagging me
You're beginning to sound
just like a husband.
A square husband.
- You said you wanted to read my play.
- Thanks, Igor.
- What are you doing for dinner tonight?
- It depends. What have you got?
We're going out for dinner.
You want to come with us?
I'm sure Igor would be very bored.
Not if you're paying. I'll put on a tie.
Are you having your beads re-strung?
I thought we were going to have
a quiet little dinner?
- Igor's very depressed.
- There's a lot of that going around.
- Why'd we come back here?
- We won't bump into Dr. Winston.
Why don't you want to
bump into Dr. Winston?
Let me put it to you this way: Shut up.
Hello. How are you?
- Sore as hell, that's how I am.
- I don't blame you, Harvey, but...
You treated me like dirt
and you were Mr. Clean.
I'm having a rough time.
As long as I was lying to her,
everything was fine.
The minute I decided to do the right thing
and marry her, I've had troubles.
You wouldn't believe the complications.
It's like waltzing in wet cement.
I haven't even been able
to spend one night alone with her.
I'd better get back, Harvey,
before she sees us together.
If you work for the CIA,
how come you hang around with dentists?
He's installing a miniature
radio transmitter in my wisdom tooth.
What were you doing
talking to that awful man?
I was getting Ionesome
for the sound of a human voice.
- Can I have a glass of beer?
- Not yours.
Why did we have to come here tonight?
After last time, it's the one place
we're sure not to run into your wife.
This is very interesting.
What made you suggest this?
It's the one place
we're sure not to run into my boss.
Thank you, Arturo.
The ball was marvellous.
No. You were marvellous.
What shall we drink?
Let's have some of that
crazy Idaho champagne.
Look at that!
I can hardly believe that's Stephanie.
It is. I recognise the mink.
That gown is absolute poetry.
Everybody at the ball was staring at it.
It's a copy of a copy.
A girl like you
should have nothing but originals.
In a Swiss bank, I have $ million...
Didn't take her long to find somebody else.
- Let me in on this? Who is that woman?
- Julian's wife.
Not bad, Julian.
- As a matter of fact, she's very attractive.
- Thank you.
- I didn't know you went for the older ones.
- Look who's talking.
- There's Dr. Winston.
It seems I can't get away from that man.
Would you like to leave?
Let's ignore him.
My evenings are my own.
- What about weekends?
- They belong to my nephews.
- Oh, I see.
- El Bravo, you're not giving up, are you?
Of course not.
Did I tell you the time
I played polo with a broken leg?
No, tell me about it.
Isn't that the woman from the other night?
Yeah, I believe you're right.
- Who is she?
- That's the dentist's wife.
- Who's with the dentist?
- That's his fiancée.
- He has a wife and a fiancée?
- It's better than having two wives.
- Who's the man with Mrs. Winston?
- New boyfriend.
Who's the guy
with Dr. Winston and his girl?
- That must be her boyfriend.
- I think the whole thing is shocking.
- Look at them dancing.
- You're not jealous, are you?
She shouldn't leave her mink
lying around like that...
...someone may take it.
- It's her mink now.
- Come on, let's dance.
Here we are again.
- Good evening, Doctor.
- Good evening, patient.
You're certainly blossoming out.
You once compared me to my cactus plant.
Every so often that prickly little thing
puts out a flower that some people think...
Miss Dickinson, I strongly disapprove
of you making dates with patients.
Really? Then how come
you fixed me up with Harvey?
Look at them acting so damn polite.
They're all rotten.
What do you want them to do,
kick each other?
No, Julian, like this.
That looks like fun. Let us try it.
That's it, Stephanie.
I've got it, huh?
- Hi, Sergeant.
- Hi, Harv.
Boy, you're terrific.
They've lost me. You go dance with her.
Cheer up. One of these days
the fox trot may come back.
- Introduce us.
- Mrs. Winston, this is Igor Sullivan.
- That's not his real name, of course.
- Of course.
- What is that?
- The Uptight.
- And what is this?
- The Booga-Ioo.
- A new step.
- What's it called?
- Are you sulking again?
- I got bored dancing with Señor Sanchez.
Well, thank you, Igor.
I should have brought my wife.
You must feel as if you were dancing
with your mother.
- Quiet, I'm enjoying this.
- So am I.
Let's not get neurotic about age.
- You're a very sexy lady.
- An old sexy lady.
Let's run away
and live on your social security.
I must say, that Igor of yours
is a pretty vulgar dancer.
What do you mean, Igor?
She's plastering herself against him.
When I think of all I've done for her.
Did you see that?
He just kissed her on the neck.
- She sure likes a lot of action.
- Yes, she does, doesn't she?
Right now she's surrounded by:
...her ex-boyfriend, her current boyfriend,
and maybe her future boyfriend.
If somebody doesn't stop that guy...
...he'll make love to her
in the middle of the floor.
Wait, Igor! Our song!
Come on. Let's get out of here.
Maybe I shouldn't leave her alone
when she's like this.
Leave her alone?
That's some talk
for a man who's planning a divorce.
Make sure that gets home all right.
- Rotten, rotten, rotten.
- Rotten, rotten.
Everything you told me
about your wife was true.
- She's not a lady. She's a barracuda.
- I don't care to discuss it anymore.
Some poor schnook
is getting his car towed away.
Hey, wait a minute, that's my car!
Come back here!
- Good morning, Doctor.
- That's how you're coming to work?
- I didn't have time to go home.
- Where were you all night?
It's all a blur. A beautiful, blurry blur.
When you left the club
you were doing fairly well, blurry-wise.
It didn't really get started
until after you left.
- I'm sure that must have helped.
- Everybody got to know everybody and...
...about : we were invited to this bash.
- A party.
In this pad, on Waverly Place.
Did you ever have a gin and tonic
made with tequila?
- No, thank you. Tequila and tonic?
You substitute the tequila.
No, you substitute the tonic for the tequila.
The tequila for the tonic?
- Yes, they call it...
- Gin and tequila?
- Yes. They call it the Mexican Measles.
They tell me it prevents malaria.
You know what I've done?
Created a monster.
No, Dr. Frankenstein,
this was not creation of yours, this is me.
Me, experiencing new things
that I've never done before.
Having a hell of a good time.
- You were there all night fighting malaria?
- No, we went to the beach.
We wanted fresh air,
so we drove out to Coney Island.
It's lovely at dawn. Nobody around.
We sat there
and watched the sun come up.
- On the beach in your new mink stole?
- A little sand won't hurt it.
I had to lie on something.
Wait. You said you were sitting.
Were you sitting or lying?
A little of this and a little of that.
You should have come with us.
There wouldn't have been room
for all of us on the mink.
Anyway, I'm sure
you prefer to be with Toni.
- I forgot all about her.
- What's the matter?
I left her standing outside the discotheque.
I hope she had sense enough to go home.
It's just not practical
to keep one in the city.
- A girl?
- No, a car.
I didn't wake you, did I?
I wanted to make sure
you got home all right.
No, I didn't get it.
I went to the police station. They told me
to try a garage on the East Side.
When I got there they told me
to try the West Side.
When I got there, it was closed.
I couldn't find a cab so I had to walk home.
I should have listened to my mother
and become an M.D.
They let you park anywhere.
Yeah, okay. You go back to bed.
I'll see you tonight. Right.
- Did she get home?
- Yes, more than I can say for you.
- My cactus. It's blooming!
- Never mind that.
What about your night of debauchery
with Señor Sanchez?
Why who said anything about him?
We lost him early in the evening.
- "We"? Who's "we"?
- Igor and I.
you spent the night with that hippie?
You're wrong about Igor.
He's sensitive and sincere and very poetic.
- "Poetic"? I saw him kiss you on the neck.
- He's friendly.
There's no such thing
as a friendly kiss on the neck.
It's grotesque, a woman your age
throwing yourself at a kid.
What about that father-and-daughter
thing of yours?
- That looks ridiculous.
- It's different with a man.
A man with a younger woman
- When it's the other way around...
- You go to your church and I'll go to mine.
It wasn't easy for me to do what I did.
- When I felt shaky, I thought about you.
- It was obvious.
Thinking about all of those terrible things
you said to me.
I was determined
to make up for the time I'd lost.
And I intend to keep on doing it.
And now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to take an Alka-Seltzer.
I don't mind saying
I'm disappointed in you, Miss Dickinson.
Doctor, you're the one who said
I was discouraging men.
Stifling my femininity.
For the first time, an attractive young man
pays attention to me, you go to pieces.
If I didn't know you so well,
I'd almost swear you're jealous.
Jealous? Of you?
Come now, Miss Dickinson.
I think it's very bad taste when,
under my eyes and those of my fiancée...
...my wife puts on an immoral exhibition
with someone young enough to be her son.
All right, look,
so you had a little fling last night.
Nobody's knocking it.
After all, there was no harm done.
Why don't you come out
and ask me if I went to bed with him?
- Did you go to bed with him?
- It's none of your business.
What happened out there
on my mink stole?
I mean, the beach? I want to know.
- By what right?
- A husband's right.
Let me remind you
that you're still my wife!
No more! I want a divorce!
- After all the years of misery, I've had.
- Years of misery?
All those mornings when I came in
and found hairpins on the couch...
...lipstick on the mouthwash glasses.
You've been spying on me?
You want to play rough.
I'll tell the world about your drunkenness,
your wild parties.
Your orgies on the beach!
You want a divorce?
It's I who wants a divorce.
I'll call the registry
and have them send another nurse.
Give this to your child-concubine.
Stephanie, you walk out now,
don't come back!
Don't worry, you won't see me again.
That goes for the children, too!
How late were you two out?
I thought you came here
to talk about my play?
I'll wait till they make it into a movie.
I have a right to know what went on.
She's my fiancé's wife.
I'd rather not discuss the lady.
I happen to know this particular lady
swings with anybody.
- Then I guess I'm not anybody.
- You mean, nothing?
She didn't want to, huh?
- Maybe I didn't want to.
- I doubt that.
I saw the way you kissed her neck
All we did was dance a lot,
drink a lot, talk a lot.
- About what?
- About my work, about myself.
It isn't often
I find a woman I enjoy talking to.
- Are you implying you can't talk to me?
- Come to think of it, I can't.
You're always talking and it's always
about your troubles with that tooth jockey.
Julian is a fine man
and much too good for his wife.
- You ought to know what I know.
- I know what I know. She's a dame.
She's good-Iooking, smart,
warm, very appealing.
- You did want to!
- For God's sake, Toni, act your age.
Or rather, don't act your age.
- Dracula, it's for you.
- I want to talk to you.
- Hi. How's your head today?
- Which one?
- Igor, do you mind if I talk to...
- Of course not.
- Wait, I live here.
- You can wait in my place.
- And I used to worry about you.
- That's what caused all the trouble.
You and Igor, that child.
I don't want to talk about Igor.
I want to talk about Julian and me.
All right. Are you keeping him?
Or can you spare him? I want to know.
There is something else.
I'm going straight to the point.
I have no patience when people
shilly-shally about these things.
Julian and I...
Oh, my God, it isn't as easy as I thought.
I think I can guess. You're pregnant.
Pregnant? Whatever gave you that idea?
The night Julian took you home.
Why not? You're still Mrs. Winston.
I am not Mrs. Winston.
I'm Miss Dickinson.
The old maid.
That's what I think.
Well, I hate to be the one...
Now, let's not get excited.
- You're Miss Dickinson, Julian's nurse.
Well, then, who's Mrs. Winston?
But there is no Mrs. Winston.
Julian isn't married.
Never has been.
This is a trick, isn't it?
You're trying to confuse me,
so I'll do something.
You'll get to keep him for yourself,
along with Harvey, Igor...
...and that South American. He lied to me.
I'm sorry, Toni.
I know this is a shock for anyone.
Even greater for someone with your youth
and idealism, but...
That dirty son of a bitch!
Well, that's one way of looking at it.
- Toni, Julian loves you.
- Why did he lie?
- He isn't bad. Just a little weak.
- A weak man, but a strong liar.
When I think of all those
thousands of details...
...he told me about his married life,
- Why don't... Could I...
- What are we playing, Odd Man Out?
Damn it, I've been swindled!
Toni, Julian is marrying you.
A lot of girls would leap at such a swindle.
I know you're expecting Julian
and I don't want to run into him.
How come you decided
to unmess this mess?
Let's say, Miss Dickinson's
a very conscientious nurse...
...and likes to tidy up before she goes.
Sooner or later, Julian will break down
and tell you the truth on his own.
Please help him. Accept him.
A man who lies cannot love.
That sounds like something
out of a fortune cookie.
Dirty, married bachelor.
What did you want?
- What's this all about?
- Never mind. Kiss me again.
Okay, but after this one,
I want a complete explanation.
- Is that Julian?
- What if it is?
I don't know what your game is,
but you're not going to use me.
I'm getting out of here.
- How? He's right outside.
I thought you'd never answer.
What were you doing?
- Getting rid of my lover.
- Come on. Please. Not tonight.
Tonight I need all your help
What do you mean?
Well, I have something to tell you
and it's tough.
You've come to tell me the truth.
Don't worry, darling.
If you've come to tell me the truth...
You are going to tell me the truth?
Go ahead, sweetheart.
I promise everything will be all right.
Thanks, my love. You're just marvellous.
This isn't going to be easy. Here it is.
My wife, Stephanie,
has changed her mind about the divorce.
Try to remain calm, dear.
It was a blow to me, too.
Oh, you poor man.
Now, let's see if I can get this straight.
Your wife suddenly refuses
to give you a divorce?
- Hard to believe, isn't it?
- When did she tell you this?
- This morning.
I fought like a tiger. I pleaded with her.
I offered her the house, money,
the car, more money.
She and her lawyer say, "No."
You can divorce her.
You have grounds, all those lovers.
I can't because of the children
and she knows it.
So, she's got us over a barrel.
I'm absolutely sick about it.
Well, what happens to me now?
We'll go right on seeing each other
We'll manage to snatch
a few scraps of happiness from life.
- It's a compromise, I know...
- Dear, if that's the way it has to be...
Baby, how wonderfully well
you're taking it.
we'll be even happier than before.
It's not such a bad arrangement.
And it is fair.
You'll still have your wife, and me,
I'll still have you and Igor.
But you said you were just friends.
You were lying to me?
I'm ashamed to admit it.
I know you hate the thought of a lie.
Come on, Toni.
You're just putting me on, aren't you?
What's that for?
That's our signal that the coast is clear
and he can come over.
If I thought for one moment
that you and he...
You realise if he walks through that door,
it's all finished between us?
I realise that.
You called me?
What are you doing
coming through the window?
Can't expect me
to come through the hall like that.
- Julian, don't feel too bad.
- I'll be fine, Toni.
You broke up my home.
You took me from my wife.
You alienated me from my children.
But, thank God,
I still have one thing left: my integrity.
Now, would you mind
letting me in on this?
Why don't you
have dinner with me tonight?
- Okay. I'll put some clothes on.
- Don't go to all that trouble just for me.
I thought you quit.
I came to pick up my cactus.
What are you doing in the office
on a Saturday?
Last night I had twelve Mexican Missiles.
This is where I splashed down.
- Is everything all right with you and Toni?
- Things are straightened out.
I might add,
without your help and interference.
I'm so happy for you.
Well, I'm not very happy for me.
Toni and I have split up.
I went to see her and I told her
that you wouldn't agree to a divorce.
- Very clever.
- What's so funny?
Nothing, except that I went and told her
that we weren't married.
- Why'd you do that?
- I thought I'd fix things.
At least somebody
would get what he wanted.
You just can't stop making
chicken and egg sandwiches.
Why did you have to go there and lie?
Because it was the only way
I could get out of marrying her.
- Don't you want to marry her?
It's always been a mistake,
and when I caught her with Igor, I knew it.
But she thinks Igor is a child.
I saw him come through the window
with a diaper on.
He made me feel like an idiot.
I got out as fast as I could.
I understand why you went out
and got drunk.
You don't understand.
You see, when I left there, I was angry.
- So you killed a quart of tequila?
- Please, stop interrupting.
I was sore as hell at Toni,
and then suddenly it was like magic.
My anger disappeared and
I suddenly felt a delicious sense of relief.
I said to myself,
"Julian, thank God, at last you're out of it.
"You can go home to your wife."
I bounced down the stairs, singing,
and I suddenly remembered I had no wife.
When I got home, there'd be nobody.
When I got back to the office,
you wouldn't be here either.
So then you hung one on.
It's marvellous, Doc.
That's very nice, Doctor.
I think I'm going to kiss you.
When will you know for sure?
- I plan to do this often.
- I'll make a note to remind you.
I feel as if you've always been my wife.
- We don't have to bother getting married.
- Well, just as a matter of form.
Dr. Winston's office.
No, he isn't in on Saturdays.
Can I take a message?
Just a minute.
It's a young lady.
She's a stewardess
with Australian Airlines.
She's free this evening.
Tell her I've been grounded.