Cadillac Man Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Cadillac Man script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Robin Williams movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Cadillac Man. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Cadillac Man Script





I don't know what's

wrong with it.



You guys were supposed

to service this thing!



I don't know why he

didn't service it.



I don't know.



Why don't you guys take a suck

on that tailpipe?



Son of a bitch!



I don't know what the hell

I'm going to do now.






Blown engine, right?



The engine's blown to hell.



Want me to call you a tow truck?



We got help coming.






Joey O'Brien, Turgeon Auto.



Finest automobiles

by the world's great carmakers.



Great. Just what I need.

A goddamn car salesman.



You know, you're in

a very dignified profession.



People rely upon you

for the last images...



they have of their loved ones,

and this ain't a pretty picture.



Oh, please, I'm trying to bury

a guy, not buy a hearse.



I'm talking a deal.

    bucks over invoice.



Dealer invoice?



Come on by tomorrow.



We're having

a one-time-only sale...



of all our luxury vehicles.



I'll customize

anything you want.



I will personally walk you

through every step of the deal.



We'll have your business

back on its feet by Monday...



back from the dead,

you might say.



- Excuse me.

- Sorry.



If I might interrupt...



What are you doing

about my husband?



We've arranged

for a pickup truck.



I did not spend $     ...



to have my Ralph can'ted around

in a pickup truck!



I'll put you out of business.



Or better still,

I'll take you to court.



I'll bury you for this!



- Madam.

- What is it?



My deepest condolences.



May I suggest that we

move your husband along...



as quickly as possible

to his last resting place?



Because, as you can see,

it's a very, very hot day...



and there is

no air conditioning...



so I think we should

get him out of the sun...



as quickly as possible.




I'll gladly lend a hand.



Please, gentlemen.



Oh, be careful.



This guy needs to go on a diet.



Please, that's the widow, man.



What did she feed the guy?



Life's crazy, isn't it?



Here I am, driving along,

minding my own business...



when opportunity knocks.



Be careful.



All right, get the flowers.






He's in there.



This must be

very stressful for you.



   grand for a funeral.

She's got to be well-off.



He'll be all right.

Don't you worry.



This is a nice box.



He must have carried

a big life policy.



Thanks a lot. This isn't

even your funeral.



I do for you, maybe one day

you do for me.






She could use some cheering up

at a time like this...



and people get a lot

of pleasure from a new car.



She'll want to

get on with her life.



Can I?



You can't do this.



You can't sell a widow a car

at her husband's funeral.



People will think that's

a little insensitive.



But most people

think that car salesmen...



are the scum

of the earth, anyway.



May I help you

back to your car?



Thank you.



Your husband must

have been a fine man.



He was a fine man.



A man who took care of you

all of his life.



Never denied you anything.




Ralph denied me nothing.



He was a good provider.



Now that he's gone,

I'm sure he wouldn't want you...



to deny yourself in his absence.

Joey O'Brien, Turgeon Auto.



- What is this?

- My business card.



You're not trying

to sell me a car, are you?



At my husband's funeral?

Before he's even in the ground?



Are you?



You sleaze.

You are the scum of the earth.



Not every sale works out,

but I've got to keep trying...



because you know why?

A lot of them do work out...



and when they do,

I feel great...



because I'm making

someone happy.



It's like I'm making

a friend...



what I like to call

a relationship for life.



I love to sell.

It's pathological, I guess.



At that moment,

that point of sale...



I cannot get any closer

to another human being...



without protection.



A little to the right.

A little to the left.





            could drive

the car of your dreams.






I'm Big Jack Turgeon...



That was quick!



No, honey.

It's your commercial.



My commercial?



Yeah, babe, look.



There's Dave.

There's Henry.



He's talking, right?



No. He speaks perfect English.



- Who's she?

- That's Molly.



I'm Joey, and I'll put you...



We're closing our doors

after    years in one location.



We have got to sell...



It looks very professional.



One day, Sunday!






Joe, come here.

I want to show you something.



What do you think

of that bad boy?



That's really tasteful.

Skulls with death rocks.



Maybe some worms

crawling out of them.



That would really

piss your dad off.






Good golly, Miss Molly.



You've had the rest,

now have the best.



Joey, I'm with a customer.



You do remember what

a customer looks like?



Jackie, I know I'm late...



but I've been taking

care of business, babe.



I know the kind of business

you're taking care of.



I hustled a new hearse

at a funeral.



Come on, Joey,

don't bullshit me.



This is Jackie

you're talking to.



I'm not bullshitting.

He's coming in tomorrow.



The guy from downtown

is on line one.



Tell him I'll call him later.



God, she just drives me crazy.



Jackie, be a little

more subtle.



She's a married woman.

You don't want to get caught.



Come on. God forgive me.

I just can't help myself.



Hey, who can?



We've got to talk about

the sale tomorrow.



Jackie, I'm ready.



Remember those two guys...

you werert here that day.



Anyway, Dad had

some outside experts...



come by to check our operation.



They recommended

we reduce the sales force...



when we move

to the new location.



How many you going to lose?



Molly's gonna stay

because she sells cars.



Dad's got a big heart,

so maybe one or two others.



What are you talking about?



We're the guys.

We made this place.



Come on, Joey. Read the sign.

Big Jack Turgeon made the place.



He made you. He taught you how

to sell and he made you rich.



You'd still be rich if you

didn't blow it on babes.



I'm having a few problems,

some of them personal.



But I'm working them out.

I'll be back better than ever.



Well, get back by tomorrow

because you've got to...



close a dozen units to make

an impression on the old man.



Otherwise, you're gone.



What are you talking about,

twelve units by tomorrow?



Yeah, today and tomorrow.



Today's dead. No one's

gonna come in today...



if they know they can

get it tomorrow on sale.



Well, I know. Get on

your horse, cowboy.



Well, I know. Get on

your horse, cowboy.



Call all your old clients,

I'll toss you a few leads.



Do whatever you've got to do

to get people in here.



You've got to sell,

sell, sell, Joey.



It would be terrible

if you werert here anymore.



It'd be a total

fucking disaster.



Wake up over there.

Wash my car, will you?



Do a good job for once.



I don't care

who your old man is.



Chopsticks. I'm buying.



I'm not talking

about this bullshit now.



Humor him. We'll make it

like the old days.



Anything can happen.

Look at Russia.



If things don't

work out here...



I can sell Lincolns

in Lithuania.



That's a good idea.



Brought that color

right around, huh?



You stop talking now.

Time to eat.






Shu mai pork.



Give me some of those shrimp.



Back off. That's not for you.

That's for better table.



This one's for you.

Three, maybe, huh?



Two. Ain't gonna

buy out that easy.



Three! You big man.

You need to eat a lot.



What, are you

working on commission?



I mean, you'd sell

the soles off your feet.



You shut up.

You no mess with me, OK?



You have any cat today?



No more. Finish,

but this is special for you.



This monkey brain.



Helen, that's not

the monkey's brain.



Look at that. That's

a different part of the monkey.



Stop playing with it.

Now, eat it.



This... the bear's balls.



You shut up. Eat.



Honey. Do it again.



And then he got a car.



You boys talking dirty again?



Mrs. Turgeon wants

you to call her, now.



Wife calls, crack the balls.



Hey, that's my mother, Benny.



You guys want me

to keep treating lunch...



just remember,

you have to sell...



every damn car

on my lot tomorrow...



because if I'm not making,

you're not making.



So let's hear

the company motto.



Nobody gets out alive!



How the hell am I gonna sell

twelve cars by tomorrow?



Twelve cars in one day?

That's impossible.



I don't know.

Maybe it can be done.



Maybe I'm the guy to do it.

What am I doing?



Instead of selling,

I'm going shopping with Joy.



I'm a sick man.



God, why? 'Cause I can't

say no to a woman.



I love 'em.

I got to make them happy.



If they're happy,

I can be happy.



It's not fair that my life

should hang in the balance.



I mean, I've gotta know.

I am not divorcing Harry...



until I know I'll

be taken care of.



I mean, am I wrong?

If I'm wrong, tell me.



- You're wrong.

- Nice piece, isn't it?



- Lovely.

- Gorgeous.



One of my favorites.

Came in on an estate sale.



French art glass,

Gallé. Mid-  th century.



Would you like me to price it?



Would you, please?



What's it going to be?



Look what you're buying here.



I'll never be able to do

for you what Harry can.



- I don't have his money.

- What are you saying?



Listen, I've got

family responsibilities.



My mother, a daughter

going to college soon.



You know, you insult me.



I'm not talking about

financial support, you putz!



I'm talking emotional support!




Can you afford that?






- You like this?

- I like you.



- Do you want it?

- I want you!



     bucks, huh?



So you're saying

someone died...



and you got

this baby real cheap.



You mind showing us the invoice?



I see a lot of

art hanging around...



with what we like

to call dust on it.



You don't make money if you

don't move the inventory.



May I have a moment with you?



You're a salesman first and

then everything else second.



I've got to sell some cars.



Honey, it's just

very embarrassing.



Why is it necessary for you

to try and sell the man a car?



What are you pissed about?

I saved you a grand.



It's not that.

What are you doing?



I thought you quit smoking.

Have a piece of gum instead.



Why do you hate

Harry so much for?



You want to throw

his money away?



I don't hate Harry!



Can I help it if he loves

when I spend his money?



Come on!



I don't make that kind of money.



I know you don't. I'm not

asking you to marry me.



I'm just saying...

shut up!



I will not share you

with other women...



and that includes Tina.



It's green!



What are you

talking about, Tina?



We're divorced.

You know that.



- You still sleep with her.

- I do not sleep with her.



I see her. I have

a daughter with her.



I have to see her

to see my daughter.



If I don't see her,

some other schlub sees her...



and I don't get to see

my daughter at all.



Joy, I hear what you're saying.

I know what you want.



Honey. So let's call Harry and

we'll just get it over with.



There's a pay phone...



Jesus Christ.

I gotta get to work.



I'm gonna lose my goddamn job...



if I don't... what's

your problem?!



Honey, honey!

You get the dog excited.



I didn't mean to.

I'm sorry, darling.



You didn't bond with him.



I'll bond with him very soon.



- Hey, sweetie.

- Darling.



- Baby.

- Moments.



Joey, what are you doing?



It's OK, Mario.

It's my car.



Key. Sorry about that.



Put the cigarette out.

Tony's trying to quit.



Yeah. These things

will kill you.



Oh, God, am I late. I hope

Tony will still see me.



Some people late to see Tony...



end up late

for their own funeral.



Wait, Carmine will bail me out.



Good old Carmine...

Tony's number one man.



Come in, Joey.



- Where's Carmine?

- Hunting accident.



Wait here.



I'll take those.



- There you go, Joey.

- Thanks, Tony.



All right. Let's get

down to business.



What's on your mind?



I was wondering if you

or any of the boys...



are looking for a new car...



because we're having

a sale on Sunday, Ton.



You're having a sale?



Is that what you

came here for, Joey?



I'll tell you what,

I'll pass the word along.



That'd be nice.



You didn't come here

looking for money?



Joey, please, no more money.



Hey, Tony, I'm not asking.



   Gs, Joey.

Listen, we go back...



but I am not

your personal banker.



Tony, you've been great to me.



Thank you. Really.

God bless you.



You know, other guys out    Gs...

other guys I fix.



Listen to me

and listen carefully.



Don't make me wait too long.



I won't, no.



Don't make me wait too long.



Drink up.

Come here. Salute.



Take it from me, Joey.

As much fun as women are...



they are not won'th

ruining your life over.



Thanks for spreading the word

about the sale.



Not a problem.



Thanks for getting

my kid that weekend job.



Frankie, that lazy shit.

Did you see...



that fucking tattoo

he has on his arm?



Thinks he's gonna be

a rock 'r roll star.



Sometimes I think

he's gonna be a fruit.



Hey, I'll see you.



- We go back, Ton.

- We go back, Joey.



OK, Joey, here are the rules.

No wisecracks, no arguments...



and definitely no fighting

with the wife... ex-wife.



Remember the alimony?



Hey, my paint job's

still holding up.



I get in there, I get her

back in that good mood...



like I used to...



then I take care

of business... car business.



Wait a minute.

Maybe she's seeing somebody.



Why not?

She's a good-looking woman.



Who wouldn't be

attracted to her?






Stayir alive



Stayir alive



Ah, ah, ah, ah...



Staying alive






You're looking good, Tina.



You don't do that, Joey, coming

in here without calling...



without even ringing

the damn bell.



You don't live here, you know.



I just paid for it.



That doesn't

give you the right...



to come in here,

especially when I'm not home.



I don't do that.



Get off it.

I know your smell.



We were married for    years.

Get out of my mail.



Excuse me.

What's this, huh?



It's food.

It's vitamins.



These are chemicals.

Lisa needs real food to grow...



- not plant fertilizer.

- She's grown.



Anyway, I cook for her,

she's never here to eat it.



Where the hell is she?



She's    that's where she is.



She thinks she's

her own boss...



thinks she doesn't have

to go to school anymore.



What, she's ditching?

You should tell me this stuff.



It's her new friends.

That's what I think.



What kind of friends she got?

Do you know from these friends?



Yeah, some of them.



What, she into drugs,

something like that?



- She needs a father!

- She's got one.



It wouldn't hurt if you

set a little cash aside...



for Lisa's college,

like you keep saying you are.



Tina, I've always

taken care of you.



But I'm living in   rooms

as big as your garage, huh?



I'm living like a

fucking cabbage seller...



like my old man.



Because you spend

your money on whores...



instead of your

daughter's education.



My lady friends are not whores!



- So marry one.

- You couldn't afford me to.



'Cause God forbid you might

have to get a real job.



I got a real job!

Catering! Remember?



Come on, Tina. Whipping up

a few cheese logs...



for your friends' parties

ain't a real job.



It was when I cooked for you.



You know what the real

job was? Eating it.



I didn't see you

getting any thinner.



I'm lucky I didn't blow my ass

off after eating your beans!



Do you feel better?



It's true.

How about this, huh?



$    a month for

a college fund for Lisa.



Now do you feel better?



- Terrific, if you do it.

- I promise.



Why'd you come all the way here?

Just to talk to me about Lisa?



I was just driving by.



See you.



Where the hell are you

gonna get     bucks a month?



Joey, did you forget

why you came here?



Come on, boy.



Tina, I forgot.

Could you call your brother...



and tell him we're

having a sale tomorrow?



So that's why you came over.

He's got a car.



I'll cut him

a rock-bottom price...



straight to the floor.

I'll make him a deal...



even your tight-ass brother

couldn't refuse.



Why are you selling me?



Come on, do me a favor.

Get him to come down. Please?



I'll talk to him.



Thanks, Tina.

Why'd I ever leave you?



Well, you didn't

leave me, Joey.



I asked you to

leave. Remember why?






There's one woman

in my life, though...



who doesn't ask me for a thing.



She lives for me.

She really does.



Every time I see her,

I feel great.



She really knows

how to take care of me.



You know why, Joey?



That's the most important thing.



Ma, basta on the fagioli, OK?

No more beans. I got a date.



It'll be here

if you want some more.



Joey, why are you so unappy?



I'm not unappy.

I'm just not hungry, OK?



Come on. That's bullshit,

and you know it.



Don't bullshit your ma.



Bullshit the girls,

but don't bullshit your ma.



OK, look. I'm eating, OK?



I'm not jerking you around.



Have you talked to

your daughter lately?



Tina calls, you know?

But Lisa, never.



- I'll talk to her.

- Talk? Joey!



Lisa needs a regular family.



You know, like

you had with Tina.



Come on, Ma.

You couldn't stand Tina.



Now you want us back together?



So I ain't perfect.



- Who is, Ma?

- You are, Joey.



You are my perfect little boy.



Joey's central.

Cars are my life.



How you doing?



Great, Jackie.

Doing great.



I've got four potential sales

in the bag.



Listen, you seeing

someone tonight?



I guess I've earned

a little R and R.



Sure you did.

We all did.



So that means you won't be

using your pad tonight, huh?



Come on, it's Saturday night.



What's Donna going

to tell her old man?



You're pushing

your luck, cowboy.



I know what I'm doing, babe.

Believe me.



- So is that OK?

- Yeah, that's OK.



Mi casa es su casa, amigo.



Gracias, and keep

selling cars, you hear?



We need you at Turgeon.



Don't you worry. The only thing

on my mind is selling cars.



- Joey, don't.

- What?



- You'll mess me up.

- I can't mess you up.



Let's go.



How's your day?



It's been a drag

till I get to you.



Come here.



You want to know

what a drag is, Joey?



A drag is standing on

your feet all day...



That's it.



Spraying goofy-smelling

mousse on people.



Trying to make these old ladies

look like... they...



trying to make 'em look like

they walked off of "Cosmo"...



when they look like they got

hit by the lousy "A" train.



Joey, I cannot find my pumps!






Where are my pumps, Joey?



Strawberry slides into home!



Do me something good.

Turn over.



We're playing

mandingo again, huh?



We're going to do your do.



- What?

- Your do!



There's gonna be celebs

there tonight.



There's gonna be

paparazzi there.



So you gotta look special.

You gotta look good.



I got you some clothes.




I got you some clothes.




Joey O'Brien, Turgeon Auto.



The Allante should be

a good car for you.



It's computerized,

does     miles an hour.



Better than that Rabbit

I saw you drive up in.



    miles per hour. Sure.



You gotta be doir this

all the time? Selling?




I can't help it.



Tomorrow we're having a sale.




I'll be there.



We've got to get in. There are

fashion people downstairs.



They're always lookir

for new talent.



I'll try, Lila.



Ricky, look in your book.



Lila. L-i-I-a.

I'm on your list.



Under "L."



Shoot here. Shoot this, huh?

Shoot me, I'm Lila.



I'm an up-and-coming designer.

I designed this stuff myself.



- Come on.

- She's gorgeous, huh?



Even a blind man

can tell she's hot.



She's a nobody.

She's nothing.



I take stars.

I take famous people.



This person is nowhere.

I'm not taking her picture.



I'm not wasting the film.

It's nothing personal.



Screw this joker.



You didn't have

to say that to her...



Have a nice life.



You know what you are?

You're an asshalf.



It takes two of you

to make an asshole.



Hey, does this get us in?

You know Mr. Grant?



- You know him?

- All right.



All right. Gorge!



You wanna come in or what?



Gorge, where are you going?

We're in!



I'm not going in there, Joey!



- Will you wait up, Lisa?

- Who's Lisa?



I don't know, Liza. Come on,

what are you saying here?



- You doing a Lisa?

- No, no! Wait!



I know the difference

between Lisa and Lila.



- You said Lisa!

- No, I did not, OK?



I don't know a Lisa.

I'm not doing a Lisa.



The only lisa I know

is the Mona Lisa.



Gorge, come on. You're

the only girl for me.



Come on, Gorge.



Your time's going to come.

I know what I'm talking about.



I don't want to be just

some stupid bimbo, Joey.



Bimbo? You know what a bimbo is?



It's a little elephant

with big ears.



Hey, come on. Listen,

your dos are gonna be...



the hottest thing in

this whole goddamn city.



You really think so?






Am I a loser?



Gorge, think I'm gonna

waste my time with a loser?



You know what a loser

looks like?



Loser looks like this.



I'd like to see

the Allante, please.



Please show me the Allante.



I love you, Joey.

I really do.






Legend, lover, salesman, right?

Take no prisoners today, Ben.



You got it.



What I got to do

this shit for?






- After you.

- No, apres vous.



He speaks French.



You and me, Moll. It's time

we got something going.



I'm free tonight.



I'd like that, but I'd

rather eat worms and die.



My worm doesn't have a hook.



You know what your problem is?

You're a pig.



And you're a chauvinist,



and you have no

respect for women.



I guess dinner and a blowjob

out of the question.



- I guess.

- We'll forget dinner.



Telephone call

for Joey O'Brien.



- Big day, Joey.

- Almost.



It was right there.

It got away.



- Oh, God. It's Tina.

- Tina, what?



Lisa stayed out all night.

She didn't come home.



- She didn't? All night?

- I don't know where she is.



- You called the police?

- She called from a pay phone.



She called? What did she say?



She said she's with friends.



She's with that prick Louie!



- Joey, come home.

- Listen, I can't.



If I come home, I blow my job.

She's OK. She...



- But look, Joey...

- She's gonna be all right.



If she comes home, call me.



- Joey, I need you...

- OK, Tina? You got it.



That little motherfucker's dead!



How do you do, sir?

Jackie Turgeon. How do you do?



This survey is bullshit.



Who are these experts?

What do they know?



They ever sell cars?



Come on, Benny,

we're the salesmen.



We've got to do

what we do best.



Lie. Cheat. Steal.



Cool it. That's

Donna's old man.



Excuse me.



Donna, come here!

I wanna talk to you!



It's her husband.

Where's Jackie?



Over there doing

some carpet inspection...



on the Mercedes.

Don't look.



Donna! I want to talk to you!



Larry, what the hell

are you doing over here?



So I'm thinking, it's Sunday.



What you got to

work on Sunday for?



I told you.

There's a big sale!



You already worked

half the night!



How many cars you sell

at  :   in the morning?



Something's going on.

I can feel it.



Nothing's going on.

You're going crazy.



I ain't gonna be

your fool, Donna.



Go home, Larry!



Don't tell me what to do!



I'm going home.

You go inside.



I ain't gonna be your fool.



Jackie, all clear.



Go on, sell some cars, will you?



That was a little close.



Take no prisoners.

Nobody gets out of here alive.



No more, no more,

no more, no more



Hit the road, Little Jack



And don't you come back no more



What you say?



I know about you people.

You're all thieves.



Every time you

open your mouth...



you're gonna cost me money.



I'll do the talking, OK?



What I want, and what

I'm willing to pay.



You think you can

handle that, pal?



Definitely. Hop in.



Perfect fit, huh?



How is that, dear?



Feels good.



It looks great, honey.



Really packed in here.



I don't know.



What don't you know?



I just don't know.



This is a Bends, right?



- Benz.

- Benson?



Not Benson.




How long have you

been selling cars?



Just a little while.    ye...



- You've got a lot to learn.

- I do?



Let me guess.



You're thinking you can't

afford this car.



Well, $     .






Didrt mean to frighten you.

That's called sticker shock.



You want me to get some oxygen?



Sticker shock? I know

what I can afford.



I just don't know.



I don't know.



You're a hell of

a driver, Mr. Klopstock.



Are you ready to

take this baby home?



I don't know.



We're doing pretty good.

We moved    units...



but we can do better,

so I'm gonna allow $   ...



off the buy-back

without prior approval.



Good. Jackie,

how many cars I do?



- Two. Just two.

- Christ, I'll lose my spot.



Benny, day's not over.

It's only   :  .



It don't matter if I'm gonna

lose my spot. I want to know.



You're not selling

cars standing here.



Hold on.



Joey? Is he there?



- He's here.

- Sign this.



- Doctor's on the phone.

- I can't talk now.



You rat. I'm sorry,

Mr. O'Briers with a customer.



- He's a very busy man.

- We were talking, Jackie.



I told you.



I'm not selling anymore

unless you get me...



a spot at the new place.



Joey, doctor says

it's an emergency.



What kind of emergency?



What kind of emergency?

Perhaps I can help...



This is Joey.

Lila, what?



What kind of emergency?

It's a busy day.



- I need an agent.

- An agent?



What kind of agent?



God damn it, Jackie!

We were talking here.



Stop listening to Joey

on the phone and answer me!



There are no guarantees, OK?

There are no guarantees in life.



What the fuck do you

need a press agent for?



I know. Listen...



It's not like you don't

have something to publicize.



Babe, you've got

a lot to publicize.



Fuck you, Little, and fuck Big!

Fuck 'em big and little!



Little and Big fucking fucks!

Know what I'm saying?



I got the gist, man.



You know what I'm saying, Joey?

God damn it.



No, honey, somebody

learning English.



Fuck you!



Better lighten up

on the caffeine.



- Number seven.

- Tell me the price.



Five grand for three months?



It's not the money, darling,

it's just the fact...



Wait a minute.

You're won'th it.



You're priceless,

babe. You know that.



Seven, Joe. Seven.



Moll, ten. Ten.






That's cruel.



What? All right, listen.



I've got to get

back out there.



Five grand I've got to make,

and I gotta get it now. Get it?



So many women, so little cash.



Take no prisoners.



Thirty-five years

I've been selling cars.



Now all of a sudden,

I don't know what I'm selling.



What does that say?

"Salesman of the Year. "



Excuse me.



- Can I help you?

- You gave me a card.



Right. Something in black.

The hearse, right?



Sorry. Have a seat.

I'll be right with you.



What am I supposed to do now?

Grow legs like Molly?



I don't know, Ben.

I still wouldn't fuck you.



Sorry to keep you waiting.



You don't look so good.



It's getting to be a long day.



We own fleet of cabs.



Seven years,

we have nineteen taxis.






You're ready to step up

to a prestige luxury car.



We're gonna buy an American car.

Only American.



God bless you, sir. It's gonna

be hard to buy a Russian one.



Let me show you

this American car.



Lincoln Continental.

Do you have any kids?



I have... three kids.



And children.



Three his children

and two our kids.



Put the bad ones in the front

and the good ones in the back.



Real leather in the seat?



Real leather.

Nothing fake in America.



Joey, it's me.



Is she home?



- No, not yet.

- Not yet?



Why don't you try

calling this Louie?



I don't know his last name.

Do you know him?



I don't know his name.

We're not that close.



But if I ever do get

close to him...



he's gonna be wearing

his balls for earrings.



He going to be back or no?



I don't understand.

He selling this car?



I do sound a little tense.

You wanna know why?



I know why.



'Cause my day has been shit,

total shit.



My little girl's missing,

doing God knows what the hell.



I'm gonna lose my job.

I'm up to my ass in hock.



People are asking

money from me.



I've got to sell

seven more cars...



by the end of the day.

Shit. Total shit.



It could not get any worse.



Joey? What? What is it?

Is she there?



Tina, call me

when Lila... Lisa gets home.



Joy, don't do this to me.



I have a previous relationship

with these customers.



- Mr. Salesman, please!

- One moment!



Hello, Mrs. Munchack.



- He likes you.

- I hope. Mr. Munchack.



Joey O'Brien.

I put you in that    SL.



My "relationship for life. "



- Nice.

- Has she run well for you?



The car.



She doesn't seem to have

any complaints.



Glad to hear that.



No complaints.

It's been like a dream.



I don't think I've ever loved

anyone... thing more.



It's been a pleasure

to service...



- Mr. Salesman, please!

- One moment, please!



I'll be right with you.

Place can't run without me.



What can I do for you,

Mr. Munshock?



Munchack. I'd like to

get a new car for my wife.



That's what I'm here for.



Let me show you around.



What's it gonna be, Mr. O'Brien?



Are you ready to continue

our relationship for life?



I'm still waiting, Mr. Salesman.



One moment!

Excuse me.



I'm sick of your moment!



Can't you see I've

got two ups at once?



Little's not gonna approve

your deal. Go talk to him.



Your sale's going to walk.



Do anything. Keep him there.

Show him some cleavage, OK?



- Mr. Salesman!

- I'll be right with you.



My wife was thinking

maybe an Allante con...



Shut up!






Is that what you want, darling?



Yes, honey.

I saw one I really like.



You must know what

I'm talking about.



Mr. O'Brien, can you help us?



Mr. Salesman! This

Washington Continental...



what kind of deal

we going to make?



Cash is OK?



- Mr. O'Brien, please.

- One moment.



- How much in cash?

- American cash?



You accept Chinese?



Joey, get with that guy.



Don't go! We've got a deal.



We had a deal!

He changed every number!



Sit down. Take...



I believe you were serving us.



- Back off!

- Please!



- Mr. Salesman!

- Fuck!



You bastards are gonna die!

You had your good time.



Now you're gonna die!



Get over there!



Move it!



My God! He's going to kill us!



Everybody fucking

against the wall...



or we all fucking die!



Get up! Get out of there!

What are you hiding from?



Are you one of them?









Are you one of them?



- One what?

- You look like one of them!



What the hell are you doing?

You gone crazy, Larry?



- I want to know, Donna.

- Have you gone crazy?



Tell me! Tell me

who you fucked here.



Why kill everyone?



I gotta know!

Tell me!



What do you want to know?






I fucked them all!

I fuck and fuck and fuck!



Shit! Get up!



Get in there!

Move it!



I'll fucking kill you.

Move it!



Don't shoot me.



All right...



Everybody over there!



Wait! Everybody back.



Everybody hands up!



And make it look like

nothing's happening.



Shut the dog up!

I don't like dogs!



He's just a puppy!



All the women, over there!



Please, I just came to buy...



Shut up!



- My wife!

- Move it!



You're going to

get us all killed!



Shut up!



Get it away from me!



Please don't hurt Chester.



Get it away from me!

Get the dog away from me!



You! Little tough guy

with the tattoo!



You been doir Donna, ain't you?

Answer me, you little shit!



Stick your little toy dick

in there!



I didn't fuck your girlfriend!



She's not my girlfriend!

She's my wife!



Jesus! Don't!

He's just a kid.



What's your problem?



Please... don't shoot!



Stay back!



What is this, Joy?



I'm sorry, Harry.

I didn't mean to...



Joy, you haven't been screwing

the salesmen, have you?



- Shut up!

- Have you?



A little.



Everybody fuckir shut up!

This is my thing, all right?



This is some joint here.



Open season

on everyone's wife, huh?



So you had your

little fun, didn't you?



Please don't kill me!

I don't want to die!



It was me.



You what?



Me and Donna, we...



What are you saying, Joey?

How could you do this?



I hope this guy does kill you!



Shut up!



You shut up even more!



- I'm sorry, sir.

- Thank you.



- I'm doing the talking.

- Right.



So we got one.



Who else did her?



The kid? Who else? Come on!



- Nobody else. It was just me.

- Prove it.



You think I'd

bullshit you about this?



What am I, a retard?



You think I'd bullshit a guy

with an automatic weapon...



loaded and pointed at me?



It's just me.

Nobody else.



Well, what about...



you know, all that stuff

she said?



"I fuck and fuck and fuck. "



She was trying to hurt you.



- Am I dead?

- Move it!



If you hurt my son,

I'll kill you!



Larry, come on!

We were talking!



We were talking here, Lar.

Remember me and Donna?






How many times

did you do her, man?



What's it matter?

She's dyir over there.



One time? Twenty times?



- Less.

- Ten?



I don't know.



More than ten?

Less than ten?



Look behind me.



I can't talk in front of ladies.



You let the ladies go,

I'll tell you everything.



What do you got

against the ladies?



They never did

anything with Donna.



I don't know they didn't.



You let the ladies go,

we'll talk all night.



You tell me first!

How many times?



I swear I'll kill you!



Go ahead, but you kill me...



you never learn anything

about me and Donna.



Come on. Be a guy.

Let the ladies go, OK?



Come on.



Larry, she's over there.



She's alive.

Look at that, Larry.



- She ain't dead.

- What happened?



The shot just grazed her head.

You ain't killed anybody yet.



Get away from her!

What are you doing?



Nothing. She's hurt, Larry.



She deserves it.



Let me get her

in a chair, OK, Larry?



Put her in a chair.



That's a good idea, Larry.



Get your hands off her!



What happened?



No matter what you hear,

shut up.



- What?

- Yeah, bitch.



Better listen

to your boyfriend.






Listen to what your

boyfriend's saying.



You think I'm

fuckir Joey? Jerk!



- You doing her or not?

- Of course I'm doing her.



I don't know who I'm doing

and who I'm not doing.



Donna, I told him.

Just you and me.



There's nobody else.



Look at that.



See, the bullet

grazed her head.



She doesn't know

what's going on.



- She's got amnesia.

- I got what?



She's got what?



Don't go bullshitting

him, Donna, OK?



I told him everything.

You see the gun?



You lie to him, who knows

what shit will go down.



Trust me on this, Dee.



It's just Joey.

Nobody else.



Oh, shit.



Some crazy dude crashed

right through the door!



- He's got a gun!

- I know. Get down.



I'm gettir the fuck

out of here!



Cops. What am I gonna do?



Larry, you know what you do?

Give up.



Call it a day.

Let's put the gun down.



We go out

and tell the cops...



- a little domestic dispute.

- What you talking about?



Maybe we just let the ladies go.

How 'bout that?



That'd look really good

right now.



That'd buy you a little time.



The cops'd have to deal

with the ladies.



The ladies could tell the cops

you're a no-shit guy.



Shut up!

I'm a no-shit guy!



You ladies get out of here.



You tell the cops

I'm a no-shit guy!



Not you! Sit down!



All right!



He's a no-shit guy!



Hey, quit talking

that French stuff!



Joy, what are you doing?

Get out of here.



Joey, I just love you,

that's all.



Joy, there's

nothing here for you.



I'm sorry. Now go.



It's over.

Come on! Go!



Get out!



You don't deserve this.

I'm sorry. Forgive me.



Get out of here!



Chester! Come here.



Jeez. Where'd you find her?



Sorry, man.



All right!

Everybody move it!



Get it in gear!

Go! Move it!



What the hell

are you doing here?



We're just getting

a shot here.



You're in the line of fire!




You, inside.



You are surrounded.

You have no hope of escape.



Surrender immediately.

You're surrounded.



You have no hope of escape.



Stay back!



Tell them to stay back

or I'll blow this place...



and half the fucking

block to hell.



He says stay back...



or he'll blow this place

and half the block to hell.



Yeah? With what?



That stuff on my bike.

It's very explosive stuff.



He's got stuff

strapped to his bike.



So what?

So does my little kid.



We want to know what it is.



- M-  plastic.

- Plastic?




Oh, shit.



M-  plastique.



You tell him

we don't believe him.



Where the hell did he get that?






What does he want?



- What do you want, Lar?

- I don't know.



Come on. Talk to me.



What do you want me

to tell them, Larry?



You don't want me to tell

'em the truth, do you?



'Cause if I tell them the truth,

it's gonna get on the news...



and the whole city will hear

your dirty laundry.



- Do you want that?

- Yeah... I mean, no!



Then what do you

want me to tell 'em?



Tell 'em... I don't know

what I want to tell them.



But don't think

I ain't gonna kill you...



and all these assholes!



I wasrt thinking

anything like that.



We're still waiting

to hear what he wants.



Come on. Let us know

who we're talking to.



He wants to know who you are.



He's talking to the N.Y.P.D.



No shit. He wants

to know your name.



Look at the tag on your chest.

It'll make it easier.



The name is Walters.



Here's the deal.

What's the plan, Larry?



- I told you, I don't know.

- We need a plan.



Tell 'em I don't

wanna talk to 'em.



He doesn't wanna talk to you.



If I did, I wouldn't

talk to 'em out there.



He won't talk to you

out there... or in here.



Actually, I don't

wanna talk at all.



- He doesn't wanna talk at all.

- Tell them to go away.



- Go away.

- What's his name?



Can't he talk for himself?



You don't have to push it

through my back to kill me.



It's a gun.

Bullets come out.



- What's his name?

- You wanna give 'em your name?



If I tell them my name,

they'll know who I am.



Good thinking. Why don't

you make one up?



Like what?



Anything you want.

You're in charge.



How about Smith?



Are you checking into a motel?

Give me a first name.



Chip, like from Charles.



Chip? That's a squirrel's name.

How about Charlie?



Charlie? That's a commie name!

It sounds Chinese.



How about Chuck?

That's an all-American name.



His name's Chuck.



- Tell them to go away.

- Go away!



You're doing good.






This ain't workir out

the way I thought it would.



You screwed up, like always.



Was I supposed to sit around

while you screw this guy...



and everything else that moves?

What kind of man would I be...



sitting around with

my johnson in my hand?



That's the only

place it's been.



You bitch!



Move in!



We're gonna rush this place!



You guys should get

an apartment in Beirut.



- You'd be a lot happier.

- They're coming!



Larry, come back!



Don't shoot!



Did you see that?



Shit. I hit him!



It's my foot!



You see what I mean?

He always screws things up!



Shut up, bitch!



Get away!



Get up! Come on!



Get down!



He shot a cop.



He hit one!



I hit him.



Larry, what did you do?



- He shot a cop!

- You shot a cop?



He shot a cop in the foot!



Larry, calm down.



You didn't shoot a cop.

You shot a foot, OK?



Just a foot.

Maybe only a shoe.



Turgeon Auto.



I hear you're having a sale.



Did you still have

that blue Allante?



I don't know if we have it.



We have two.



I know it says one day only,

but maybe call back tomorrow.



I'm tied up right now.

I've got to go. Thank you.



Joseph O'Brien is

the most wonderful man.



Joe. Joey. J-o-e-y.



Please get your dog to shut up!



Shut up, you tight-ass!



I have been in a hostage

situation all morning!



My husband's still in there.



Out of the way.



- Can you make a statement?

- Not now.



Come on. Move it.



Sir, you're the owner, right?



You're aware of the situation

across the street, the guns?



We're gonna take

your place over...



for about a half hour tops.



We want to set up a direct

line of communication...



telephone? Direct line

to the dealership, OK?



Are you going to eat?



We'll eat plenty.

Put my phone there.



Wasrt it scary?



It was the scariest thing.



I'm still shaking.



My knees.



Can I get it?



No way, man.

It's the cops.



It may be a customer.

It's a sale day.



I can tell it's the cops!

It's ringing weird!



OK, it's ringing weird.

What are you afraid of?



Cops can't see you

on the phone.



They can't hurt you,

they can't shoot you.



- Let me pick it up.

- No way.



It may be the phone company.

Can I get it?



It's making me nuts!

Let me pick up the phone!



Get it!



Turgeon Auto.



- This is the police.

- It's the cops.



We're talking to Walters

before. Who's this?



Who are you?



I'm Elvis, that's who I am.



I'm back from the dead

and I'm pissed.



I'm Joey O'Brien.

Who are you?



My name is Mason,

Captain Mason.



How you doing in there?



How am I doing? Well,

I started off the day...



I was gonna lose my job.

Now I may lose my life...



and I think I shit myself.



O'Brien, listen.

I understand your position.



Three hon gau.



Do what you have to,

but get this Chuck on the line.



You understand what I'm saying?



I know what you're saying.



We got a new guy here.



His name is Mason.

You should talk to him.



The cop I hit, how's he doing?



- Larry, Chip, Charlie...

- Chuck!



Chuck wants to know

how the cop he hit is.



He's going to be all right.



- He says he'll be all right.

- Thank God.



Now tell me,

what does he want?



He wants to know

what you want, Larry.



I told them already.

I want them to go away.



He wants you to go away.



That's very funny.

What does he want?



He says that's not

on the program.



Well, what am I going to do?



He's a little up in the air.

Can you give him a few minutes?



We'll give him one minute.



What are you talking,

one minute?



We're not under enough




without you playing

"Beat the Clock"?



Get real here! This is

a guy who shot a cop.



He only shot him in the foot.



That doesn't mean

he's not dangerous!



You tell him!



Yeah, you start

telling him what to do...



who knows what he'll do to us?



You tell 'em I don't know

what the hell I'll do!



They got the idea, Larry.



We'll give him fifteen minutes.



Thanks, Mason, thank you

very goddamned much!



What an asshole!






God damn it.



You want to drill

a hole in my neck...



- with that fucking gun?

- Sorry.



What's this look all about?



Me? Who?



You, pretty boy.






I bet this guy's

been doing Donna...



behind both our backs.



I really didn't...

I never even...



I didn't touch her, really.



What was the look all about?



Just Joey, I swear to God.



Just... Joey.



Larry, it's time we had

that private talk.



I'll tell you everything.



All right.



You and me.

Let's talk.



Everybody up!






All right. Nobody try

anything funny in here.



Look, I'm sorry I didn't...



Shut up!



Just cigarettes, Lar.

You smoke?



No, I don't.

It's a disgusting habit.



- Put it away.

- I'm trying to quit.



By the looks of things...



it ain't been so good

with you and Donna.



What's it to you, man?



If things were going good,

you wouldn't be doing her.



You think doing her...



is more important than

the happiness of two people?



If I thought there was

happiness at stake...



I wouldn't be doing her.



Right. So why are

you doing it, then?



Hey, didn't know it was

such a big deal...



till you came through

that door, Larry.



Maybe she's doing me because

she wants to get back at you...



for doing somebody else.



Maybe you're doing

everybody in town...



- I don't know that.

- I'm not, man.



Well, you could be.

I mean, you're good-looking.



- But I'm not.

- Maybe you should.



Donna used to always

say how sexy you were.



She said I was sexy?

She didn't say that.



She didn't not say it.



She's a lying bitch whore.



What kind of foundation

for a relationship...



is calling your wife

a lying bitch whore?



She is a lying bitch whore.



She wasrt when you

married her, was she?



I don't think you're

the type of guy...



who'd marry

a lying bitch whore.



I didn't know her too

good when I married her.



That's not good marrying

someone you don't know...



Well, tell me about it.



Love... sucks.



Yeah, but sometimes

it's pretty nice, too.



Shit, is it hot.



What do you do

for a living, Larry?



I'm a mechanic.



I used to fix

airplanes for Eastern...



over at LaGuardia.



That's a good job, Larry,

that's a lot of respon...



I got laid off.

I haven't worked in a year.



Why Donna had to get this job

I don't know.



A mars got to work.



Ain't that the truth, boy.



I think you get

everything from work.



You get money, power,

sexual attraction.



You're saying that

a man without a job...



is like a man without a dick.

Thank you very fucking much.



I'm saying it's in your head.



In my head?



Well, not your head.

It's everybody's head.






A fuckir headache.



Larry, stay calm.

They'll go away.



How do you know?



I know.






You know lots of things.



I know people.



When you sell stuff

for a living...



you get to know people.



I don't know people so good.



Don't push me, God damn it!



There are cockroaches!

I got them all over me!



Get down!



There's cockroaches up here!



Hey, you guys

are really something!



I thought I could trust you!



Frankie, you bastard!



Get him down!






Excuse me! Joey!



My boyfriend's in there!

He's a hostage!



Officer, you got to help me!



My boyfriend's in there!

He's a hostage!



- You can go.

- Thank you!






See what he wants.



I'll have another shrimp boat.



How many? Three?



- One.

- Three. Thank you.



Ring through again.



You want to get that, Joey?



You got it, Lar.

Chuck's hot line.



I'm ringing and ringing

and ringing.



You gotta answer me

when I'm ringing.



What's going on in there?



We're being very patient

with this guy, O'Brien.



You got to get him

to give us something.



My boyfriend is a hostage!



Look, lady, we're doir

the best we can.



We got a phone hookup

into the situation.



Yeah? Good. Thank you.



Joey, look, I...



Get that broad out!



- Shit.

- What?



Get the broad out of here!



I could be of great help to you!



- I'm fucked.

- What?




we're coming in.



Mason, stay where you are!

We'll be OK, really.



That's it, we're coming in.



Don't come in yet.

We'll work out something.



All right.



Larry, it's deal time, huh?

You want to take charge?



Cut a couple guys loose.

Give them something.



They all couldn't

have popped Donna.



Some of them just came in

to buy a car today.



Be a guy, Larry...

a no-shit guy.






Gentlemen, if you want to

avail yourselves...



of my services, there's my card.



Pass them out among yourselves.



O'Brien, you got yourself

a free coffin.



That's a hell of a thing

to say to you, ain't it?



What about me?

I'm only a customer...



just come to buy car.

I demand right to go free.



Please, Mr. Larry.



Let me go, please.

I'm just a customer.



Excuse me. I am also a customer.



It's true. They are.






So cut him loose, Lar.



I don't think so. Not him.



Why not me?



He's doing your wife, too,




What difference does that make?



We're in this together.

We're like brothers.



Larry, you can't hold

him responsible...



'cause his wife's

having an affair.



Well, how do you think I feel?



I can't walk out of here

either, can I?



We don't have anything

against each other.



I'll give you something

to let me out.



Say $     .






If that's not enough,

tell me what you need.



I'll write you

a check right now.



You think I'm

some kind of idiot?



I wouldn't

cancel it! I swear.



Look at the witnesses

we have!



You don't understand.

If I took your money...



you know what that

would be? Extortion.



I know what that is.

I ain't no extortionist.



What difference? You're

already a kidnapper!



Thank you, Judge Wapner.

Why don't you also describe...



sodomy in prison

while you're at it?



Get him out. He's an asshole.



The asshole stays.



You two guys.



Thanks, Mr. Larry!



Please shoot don't me!



Watch out! He may have

a bomb or something.



I am American citizen!



None of that Russian babble.



Search him.



What's going on?



Stop her!



I couldn't have been

doing your wife.



I just got out of the hospital.

I had prostate surgery.



That's right. He's got...

show 'em your scar...



- It's a cop!

- It's not a cop!



I'm not a cop!

I'm Joey's girl!



She's your girl?



What are you doing here?

Get out of here!



I love you, Joey.



I saw all this

crazy shit on TV.



I had to come down to see you.



You're screwing her,

my wife, and his wife?



How the hell you got time

to make a living?



Joey, what's he talking here?

Joey, is this true?



Come on, Lisa.



Lisa? I knew you was

doir a Lisa.



That's four.

How many girls you got?



- Lisa's my daughter.

- You got a daughter?



You probably got a wife, too!



No wife! Ex! Ex-wife!



He's a busy boy, your Joey.

A very busy boy.



Donna... Tina...

Chuck... Lola...



Lila! L-i-I-a! Lila!



There's an explanation

for all of this.



I got an explanation

for you, Joey.



You're a total shit!

I hate you!



I risked my life for you, Joey!



Get out of here! Go!



You didn't have to say that.



He didn't.



No, man. You didn't

need to do that.



That was mean.

That was really mean.



You all right?



You got a lot of girls.



It's easy for you?



It ain't easy.

It's never easy.



What's your name?



Lila! I'm a designer.

I do 'dos. I do clothes.



I did all these things myself.



I got an entire clothes line

called A La Lila.



My ex-boyfriend is in there.



Are you Joey O'Briers wife?



I'm his ex-wife.

What's going on?



Get out of the way, man!

Move out of the way!



Get out of the way!

Move out of the way!



All right. Stop the car.



It's Mr. Dipino.

His sors a hostage.



Over there.






Out of the way!



That's my kid in there.



- What's going on?

- You eat?



I'm not here to eat, lady.



Let him in. He's OK.



Hey, back off!

You no work here!



This the restaurant.

He wait outside.



You wait outside

like everybody else.



No eat, no seat.



I'll get it.

Sit down.



Heartbreak Hotel.



- Don't push it.

- It's a joke.



Ask Chuck if he wants anything.

Food, cigarettes, whatever.






N.Y.P.D. Take-out.



You want anything?

Food, cigarettes?



Not right now, thanks.



Your wife wants

to speak to you.



Tina, you're here?



- Who's Tina?

- My ex-wife.



What's she calling here for?



I'm all right. You?



What do you have

to do with this?



Why is he holding you?



I'm in the middle

of a domestic dispute.



Domestic dispute? What?



A man-woman thing, you know?



Does he have a wife?



You were fucking his wife!



I swear to God, Joey!



I almost think

you deserve this!



Maybe I do deserve this.

What about these other guys?



I'll talk to him.

Put him on the phone.



- What?

- I wanna talk to him now.



She wants to talk to you.



What's your name?






Listen, I don't know

if you have a family...



but Joey's got a daughter.



If you ever stop thinking

about yourself long enough...



you think about that.

You think about us.



You think about his family.



She's been out all night.

She might be in trouble.



What's she saying, Larry?



Your daughter, she

might be in trouble.






I think you're a prick

and a selfish asshole...



for keeping him in there...



when he ought to be out

here looking for his...



I'm a an asshole

and a selfish prick...



Welcome the club.



For holding you when you ought

to be out looking for her.



I'm sorry.

I didn't know.



You didn't know. It's OK.



Listen, Chuck, Joey's got

a mom and she's real upset.



- Really?

- What's she saying?



Your mom's really upset.

She's watching it on television.



Could you ask Joey

to go give her a buzz?



She wants you

to call your mom.



Tell Joey that I said

he should tell her...



everything's gonna

be all right.



Tell your mom everything's

gonna be all right.



- How old's your mom?

- She's an old broad.



Jesus, Joey!



Calling your mother

an old broad?



You call your wife

a bitch whore.



But she's my wife.

A mother is a mother.



Why should I call my mother?

What am I going to say to her?



"This guy's going to kill me,

but I got a deal on a coffin. "



- Get back.

- Call your mother.



Listen, Tina?



I gotta get off the phone.

I gotta call Ma.



Joey, wait.



- I miss you.

- I miss you, too.



- I really do.

- Bye.



I'm warning you,

this ain't a good idea.



I mean, this and Dad

in one year...



Hello. This is Joey...



Ma? The machine's on.

Probably watching us on TV.



...after the beep.



Ma, pick up!



- Joey, are you all right?

- I'm all right.



You're bullshitting.



Let me talk

to the man holding you.






Put him on!

Put him on now.



She wants to talk to you.



Talk loud.

She's a little deaf.



You asked for this.



Can you hear me?



This is a terrible

thing you've done...



scaring all those people!

Are you listening?



Scaring all those people!

Are you listening?



Well, you listen to me

and you listen good.



I'm an old woman.

He's all I have.



Don't hurt him, you hear me?



All right.



Don't you bullshit an old lady.

Don't you hurt my Joey!



I won't.



Promise me you won't hurt him.



If you don't promise,

you're bullshitting me.



- So you better promise!

- I promise!



Prove to me you're a nice boy.

Promise once more.



I promise.



Let me talk to Joey.



It looks like I'm

not gonna kill you.



Thanks, Ma.



Everything is OK.

I'll see you tomorrow.



That'll be nice. We'll go

find that new place tomorrow.



Maybe we'll have

dinner tomorrow night...



a little pasta fagioli.

That would be great, OK?



Sure. Whatever you want, Joey.



Ma, I gotta go. Ciao.



What are you doing?



You a Catholic?



I'm tired.



You a Catholic, Larry?






If you do that,

you don't get to go to heaven.



You go straight to hell.



Larry, what are you doing?

You're scaring me! Oogie!



Don't call me Oogie!



This is not gonna

get you out of this.



I can get you out of this.



Let me talk to Mason,

let me make a deal.



Let me try something,

see if it sticks.



Let me talk to Mason.

Just give me a second.



That's all I need.



- Get Mason!

- Hang on.



Mason here.

That you, O'Brien?



Listen, if Chuck comes

out of here voluntarily...



doesn't he get a little

special treatment?



We'll give him a limo.

Take him to "The Dating Game. "






He deserves it, doesn't he?



Don't do that, Larry!






I got it!

It was right there.



A plan.



Not just a plan, Larry.

The plan!



The plan that's going to

get you out of here.



And not just you, you and me.



Because you and me,

we're in this together...



you know what I'm saying?



If you don't get out,

I don't get out.



What kind of plan?

It's a complex plan...



but it's also real simple.



So stay with me, OK, Larry?



Stay with me, 'cause it's got

a lot of different parts.



If you lose one part,

the whole plan can fall apart...



you know what I'm saying?



The first part is...

you let everyone go.



That's good.



- Isn't it?

- What?



Except me. You and me

are in this together.



You let everybody go.

It's the first installment.



Makes 'em think about it.



Come on, Larry,

it gets everything moving.



If you don't like that,

change the plan.



It's our plan.

Make a new plan.



Work with me, Larry.



Not everyone.

Not him and not her.



That's a better plan!

Isn't it?



OK, you guys,

get out of here.



Come on! This way!



Come on! Run!



Do it! Let's go!



Get that guy out of there!






Good plan.

You made a good decision.



You ready for the second

part of the plan?



Here it comes, second part.



This is where we give 'em

a little incentive.



We're gonna wind Mason up

like a cheap watch. Ready?



You cut Donna loose.



Come on, Larry, you gotta...



No! I let everyone go.

I'm gonna let her go now?



Come on, Larry,

it's part of the plan.



Listen, what are you

gonna do this for?



Why hurt her anymore, right?

You've done enough for one day.



Look, you did that, Larry.



You almost blew

her goddamn head off.



You tried to kill her, OK?

What did she do to you?



Did she try and kill you?

No, she didn't.



She ran around a little on you.

Come on, Larry. Look at her.



What are you keeping her

around here for?



You gotta get it

in proportion, Lar.



Tell you something else, Larry.



She ain't the only woman

in the world.



I know what I'm talking about.



Larry, I don't wanna go.



Now you don't wanna go?

You wanna stay here?



You wanna stay here

and torture the fuck out of me?



Get out of here! Go!



Fuck you!



I love you, Larry, you jerk!



Get her out of there!



Come on.






Grab her. Come on!



Let go of me!

What are you doing?



You and Donna have

a special kind of love.



You got a good woman.



Harry, come over here, huh?



Look. Harry, Joe, and Larry,

the pep boys of love.



What's going to happen to me?



I'll tell you

what's going to happen.



You'll need a lot of help

to get you out of this.



No shit, 'cause

you're in pretty deep.



Here's where that help

comes from.



You know what kind of help

I'm talking about, Lar?



Money. Harry's got lots of it.



You ready to give Larry

that kind of help?



I get out of here in one piece,

you've got whatever you want.



- Anything you want.

- I got your word?



Because if you lie to me

and go back on him...



you'll be doing some

East River snorkeling...



- you know what I'm saying?

- You got my word.



How does that sound?



They're gonna come in

if you don't.



Is that a yes?

You with me?




Shake his hand.



You have my word.



I won't abandon you.

I will not abandon you.



- I will never abandon you.

- Testify to that!



Trust me, Larry.

I won't abandon you.



I will not abandon you!



Get out of here!



I will not abandon you.



Hold your fire.



I don't think he's

going to abandon you.



You did it.

We work well together.



I'm glad to be

on your side, Larry.



God, am I glad

to be on your side.



OK, you ready for the final

part of the plan?



The final part.

What's it?



- You give up.

- What?



That's the final part

of the plan? I give up?



What kind of plan is that?



Christ, I just

let everyone go!



It builds to that, Larry.

I'm trying to help.



Turn yourself in.

Does that sound better?



- That's crazy!

- No, you're crazy.



That's what ties

the whole plan together.



You see, Larry?



That ties it together.

You're crazy, Larry.



You were crazy the moment

you passed through that door.



You left sanity

on the other side.



You came into

the twilight zone then...



because you came in here

nuts, crazy,



Loco en cabeza,

you know what I'm saying?



And you know why?

'Cause Donna.



The I-love-you-fuck-you-jerk

Donna makes you nuts.



She makes you crazy.



And it's not just Donna

that makes you crazy.



It's love that

makes you crazy, Larry.



And you know what?

Harry will get you...



one of those

motherfucker lawyers...



one of those lawyers

who got Oliver North off.



One of those guys who can

get off Bernard Goetz...



Hinckley, they'll tell him

that you were crazy.



And Donna didn't just

make you crazy...



love made you crazy, Larry.

Love got you nuts.



He'll tell that to the jury...



he'll go, "Larry

was made nuts by love. "



And what member of the jury...



whether it's a guy

or it's a woman...



who will not say, "Hey,

love does make you crazy. "



Love makes you crazy.

They're going to let you walk.



And I'll tell you

something else, Larry.



I'm gonna be by you

every step of the way.



It's going to be you

and Joey O'Brien.



'Cause I'll get the lawyer,

make sure Harry pays...



and get you out of this...



because your problem

is my problem.



You know what I'm saying?



What do you say, Larry? Deal?



Come on. I haven't steered

you wrong yet, have I?



Be a guy, Larry.

Time to be a guy.



A no-shit guy.



Mason here.



We're coming out

of our own free will.



All right. We'll

play it straight.



Pay, sir. You pay.



He'll pay. Don't worry.

They're coming out.



Walters, they're coming out.



Let me know

when they're at the door.



Stay ready!

They're coming out!



Stay on them!

Stay awake!



Prizzi, Tony!



Watch that opening.

They're coming out!



It's gonna be all right,

gonna be OK.



Lar, why don't you

put the gun down now?



No. Everybody's

out there watching.



If I come out without a gun,

they'll think I'm a wimp.



I don't want to be a wimp.



Larry, no way you're

going to be a wimp.



Lose the gun, huh?



They won't respect

me without a gun.



- They're cops.

- Larry, they're cops.



They're gonna be real nervous

if you come out with...



Well, they got guns.

Makes me nervous.



Larry, come on.

Look, hey...



I don't have a gun,

it's gonna make me nervous.



Now come on, lose the gun.



Larry, please.

For me, please.



I tell you what I'll do.

I'll take the bullets out.



That's a very nice

gesture. Thanks.



I don't want you to get hurt.

You're like... a friend.



Thanks for thinking about me.



But if you really don't

want me to get hurt...



- you'd lose the gun.

- I'm not losing the gun.



- Can I have the bullets?

- Why?



Souvenir. A little memento.



It's empty.



Forty-eight hun gao I had?






I had a shrimp boat.

He had a shrimp boat.



He had a shrimp boat.

I didn't see no hun gao.



I think you trickster maybe!



He had a shrimp boat!



I'm gonna call the police.



You're going to call the police?



Give me a divorce!



You'll get it! At least

if you're with somebody...



have a man

with his own business.



Do you want a divorce?

Tell me, what do you want?



I want to go to Florida.

All right. Let's go.



Joey, thanks for talking to me.



Thanks for simplifying

my love life.



Let's go, huh?



They got TV cameras out there.

We gotta dress up a little.



We can't come out

looking like this.



"Live at five," you know?






It's a sale day.



I ain't walking out

looking like this.



Let us get through

to take care of her.



I think we should get you

to the hospital.



I'm not leaving as long

as my husband's in there.



- Just keep calm.

- Hey, get out!



This is not hun gao.

That doesn't say hun gao.



You don't know

how to read Chinese!



Well, that doesn't say hun gao!



Hold on.



This doesn't look

like a no-shit guy.



How am I doing here?



There you go. That's it.



All right. Here goes nothing.



Right, especially in that gun.



I better keep this to your head.



That looks crazy.



They're stopped at the door.



They're coming out!

Let's go.



Where you going?

Come back here!






You've got an empty gun there.

This is crazy.



Right. That's the plan.

I'm crazy.



Right. When we get out there...



I want you to drop the

gun when I tell you, OK?



- Keep the gun pointed at me.

- Why?



Better me than at the cops.



You ready, Lar?



We're coming out!

Don't shoot!



That stuff you've got

strapped to your bike...



it's safe?



It's OK.



If a cop gets blown up

trying to defuse it...



our plars down the toilet.



It's OK.

It ain't real.



What? You're saying

all that stuff...



about buying plastique

in Jersey, that's bullshit?



This is just

my TV remote control.



That's pretty funny, Larry.



Let's go, Larry.

You are crazy.



What am I talking about?



Get back!



Stay with me, Larry.



Come on, Larry.

You're doing good.



Stay with me. Come on.

You're doing good.



Get back!



Oh, shit.



I'm ordering you...

release your captive!



Keep up with me, Larry.



Drop the gun, Larry!



No! Don't shoot!

It ain't loaded!



I got the bullets! It's

just a TV channel changer!



There's no bomb!

Stay down!



- What happened?

- Shut up!



I got the bullets!

What are you, nuts?



Let him go!

I'm Captain Mason.



You're Mason?

You lying sack of shit!



- What?

- You lying motherfucker!



Get back!



I talked him down

and hid the bullets!



- You have Stockholm Syndrome!

- What are you talking about?



It's when you start feeling

sorry for your captor!



The guy had a gun and a bomb!



- It was a TV channel changer!

- He could have hurt you!



Move it!



Get the stretcher.



Come on, let's go!



Give these guys some room!



We'll take it from here.



Thank you, Joey.

Thank you for everything.



I'm never gonna

forget you for this.



I want you to know,

you got a job for life.



Not just me, OK?

Benny, Henry, the whole gang.



- We'll take Henry, but...

- I'm through negotiating!



You got it!



Thanks for taking care

of my kid.



- He told me what you did.

- It was nothing, Tony.



Well, that's what

you owe me, Joey. Nothing!



- Let's go!

- Move!



What happened?



You're gonna be OK!



I'll see you through

every goddamn step.



You hear me, Larry?



Joey, you OK?



I'm OK.



You're crazy, Larry.



He's crazy!

Get him out of here.



I never did Donna.






Let her through.

It's his wife.



Come on, get out of my way!



- Go!

- Let's go!



You got it.

Just let me find her, OK?



You got it.



Let's get out of here.

Where's Lisa?



I don't know.



- Where the hell's your daughter?

- Now she's my daughter.



According to the court order

she is!



What are you yelling

at me for?



I don't know.



Come here, you.



Looks like we missed

all the fun.



What are we gonna tell them?



We? I ain't talking to them.



I'm gonna be in big trouble.

You better leave.



No problem. I'm going.



The underwear

goes on the inside.



Come here, Lisa.



I miss this.



You sure you don't want me

to drive you home?



You don't get back

in the driver's seat that easy.



You feel like giving...



an old car salesman

a second chance?



I'll tell you what.



Come over to the house

for supper tomorrow.



We'll cook up some of that

old baloney of yours...



and see how it goes down.



- Bye-bye.

- See you, Dad.



Joey, no more hanky-panky.

You go straight home.



Benny, I'm out of here.



Thanks, man. Thanks for

coming through for us.



That's our new motto...

everybody gets out alive.



Monday, huh?



Hi-ho, Silver!



You want a deal,

you give me a call.



I think you know

the number, right?



Thanks, O'Brien.

You got it.



God, I love to sell.


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