Calcium Kid Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Calcium Kid script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Orlando Bloom.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Calcium Kid. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Calcium Kid Script



Dave, if I swivel round to the camera,

do you think it'd make a dynamic intro?



- Very dynamic, Sebastian.

- OK, let's run camera.



- Camera's running, Sebastian.

- And swivel.



Hello. My name's Sebastian Gore-Brown.



I used to be

a sports documentary film director.



Lawn Bowls: The Real Story.



That was mine. Now, about a year ago

when I first heard that Pete Wright,



the notorious bad boy of British boxing,

was finally getting his chance



to fight devastating world champion

Jose Mendez for the middleweight title,



I sensed a documentary opportunity

too good to pass up.



But my faithful cameraman, Dave,

and I got more than we expected.



A lot more.






On September    Jose Mendez

will defend his world championship belt.



I was born to fight.



Against the number one undefeated

British contender: Pete Wright.



And he will do this in London, England.



The greatest fighter on the planet

is coming down to South East London



to fight Pete Wright,

one of our very own.



I've waited a very long time.

He's been dodging me for years.



Why you taking this fight

to his own backyard?



I thought it would be nice

to try fish and chips.



I'd fight him in a phone box

if I had to.



Without fighting, I'm nothing.



You could take away my wealth, my fame.

You can never take away these hands.



God put his power into these hands.



In return, I will give him the world.



Do I think I can beat him?

I'm gonna fuckin' bury him.



Now ask me a sensible question,

for fuck's sake!



I'm coming, Inglaterra. I'm coming!



Stand aside. The Thriller In Manila.



Shut up! The Rumble In The Jungle.



Herbie Bush Promotions brings you...



The Melee On The Tele.



[  The Specials:

Rudy, A Message To You]



[Sebastian] How long have you been

involved in the sport of pugilism?



I'm sorry. There must be some kind

of mistake. I'm in the boxing game.



I've always been an avid fight fan.



But I've only been directly involved in

the game of pugisis for about    months.



How many pros

have you got in your stable?



Pros? No, no, no.



That is a bona fide personal-escort

service for business functions only.



My girls work on a strictly

"chat and smile but no touch bum" basis.



No, sorry.

I actually meant pro fighters.



Yeah, well,

Pete Wright only at the moment.



Quality control is the order of the day.



The first boxing competition

Pete entered he won.



He was only eight at the time,



and he was small for his age.



That didn't make

a blind bit of difference.



He gave them other kids

a real going-over.



And I remember I was quite surprised

at how vicious Pete was.



- [whispers] Intense.

- Yes, maybe intense is a better word.



All right, Pete.

   seconds left. Step it up.



- Next.

- In you get, son.






Pete, let him come to you.

Work on your defences.



Don't knock 'em all out before lunch,

for fuck's sake.



Liven yourself up. Get your hands up.



Where did you get this skinny prat?



Oh, shit. I'm sorry, mate.

I'm really sorry.



Oh! Oh!



My hand!



My fuckin' hand!



How bad is it? He'll be able to fight?



That's one of the worst breaks

I've ever seen.



That kid's head must be

as hard as a sock of snooker balls.



You're gonna have to cancel the fight.



Has your cheese slid off its cracker?

I can't cancel the fight!



I'm sorry, but a break like that's gonna

take three months before it heals.



Three months?

I don't bloody believe this!



Do you know what this means?



This means I'm finished. I'm washed-up.



I'm a laughing stock. An also-ran...



This is all your fault.

Who the hell are you?



- I'm Jimmy Oonnelly, Mr Bush.

- And what idiot hired you?



I wasn't hired. I train here.

They needed extra sparring partners.



- I didn't mean it. I'm really sorry.

- I'm really sorry. I'm sorry.



- Leonard!

- Yes, guv?



Do something painful with this toerag.



- Like what, guv?

- What d'you mean, like what?



That's meant to be your department!



If Artie Oohen finds out

about Pete's injury,



he'll replace him with another contender

and I'll be up shit creek.



We need to find a middleweight

that's a free agent.



We gotta find him today!



I don't care how good he is. He's gotta

be a body with fists and a heartbeat.



We put him in the ring on Saturday.



I'll fight Mendez.

I can still work a bit of the old magic.



Shut up. Serious suggestions,

please, Leonard!



You're a featherweight.



- Guvnor.

- What?



- How about that kid that hurt Pete?

- Him?



He's got two hopes.

Bob Hope and no hope.



- What was his name?

- I'll look it up in the files.



[Sebastian] Oh, no. Shit. Shit!



You said this was fly-on-the-wall,

not spy-in-the-cupboard.



Investigative journalism

knows no boundaries.



I wouldn't be doing my job

if I didn't surprise you occasionally.



One word of warning, if you intend to

use this peekaboo style around the gym.



If surprised, a boxer's natural instinct

is to knock you into next week.



Sorry. Point taken, Mr Bush. Thanks.



By the way, it's Oonnelly,

the name you were looking for there.



It's Jimmy Oonnelly.



- Jimmy Oonnelly, eh?

- Yeah.



Right. We'd best

give this Oonnelly a visit.



Leonard, the car.



The true test for the documentarian

is to take any unforeseen circumstances



or dramatic twist of events

and roll with the punches.



I haven't even had my first fight yet.

I'm a milkman.



To expose to celluloid the story of

the lives that unfold in front of him.



Jose Mendez versus

Jimmy "The Oalcium Kid" Oonnelly.



So that's what I did. I rolled.



I think I'm in, Mr Bush.



I think I'm in.



[alarm beeps]



[mutters] Say my name.



Yeah, baby, yeah. Yeah.



[clears throat] Jimmy?






We'll be filming you    hours a day

in the run-up to the fight.



Of course. The fight.

Who would have thought it?



Jimmy Oonnelly fighting Jose Mendez

for the championship belt.



So, tell us, how does

Jimmy Oonnelly start his day?






Well, as you probably noticed,



I normally start off in the morning

with a set of    sit-ups. Yeah, sit-ups.



...     .



I wasn't meant to have my first fight

for another six weeks.



- And here I am talking to you guys.

- [footsteps on stairs]



I feel like Rocky



when he finds out he's gonna

have a pop at Apollo Oreed.






Make sure your mum gets that,

will you, mate?



[front door closes]



My mum's a massage therapist.

She works from home.



I've drunk three pints of milk a day

for as long as I can remember.



I've never had a filling

or been knocked out.



My bones are as hard as rock.



Very proud of Jimmy. He's been

a wonderful employee for four years now.



He's got an impeccable work record.



And he's been voted

Milkman Of The Month



   times by the housewives of Lambeth.



Good morning, Jimmy.



One of these days you'll have to come in

and whip me up an omelette.



I mightjust do that, Mrs Fletcher.

Have a lovely day.



I'm helping people in the community



stay strong and healthy

by drinking milk.



Eventually, I wanna be

a regional manager.



My first week on the float

I got a bit of a kicking



by kids who made off with a dozen eggs

and two pints of semi-skimmed.



My mate Stan was boxing as part

of an aggression-management course,



so I went down to check it out.



I got into boxing

and being down the gym from the off.



[shouts] Morning, Vera. Two pints today?



No, I'll have two pints today,

please, petal.



First time I put my gloves on

and walked out into the gym,



everything just sort of felt all right,

like I was part of something,



a big family

that nobody could mess with.



My old man once said:



"Without family, man is alone."



He's deep, my dad.



I never thought I'd wanna leave

my milk round early.



- Hello, boys.

- Morning.



Hello, Jimmy.

How are we feeling today?



Blindin'.    %, thanks, Mr Bush.



That's good. That's what we wanna hear,

champ, eh? Ohamp.



Ow! Ohrist!



Oome to my office. I've got something

that might help with those reflexes.



- Paddy, wake up.

- Orack him with a Mary Anne!



Knock the bugger bandy, Seamus!



Oh, Mr Bush. How are you, boss?



Peachy. This is Jimmy Oonnelly.



Jimmy, this is Paddy O'Flanaghan.



I've spared no expense

in hiring him as your personal trainer.



He's a legend in the field.



That's brilliant. It's a pleasure

to meet you, Mr O'Flanaghan.



Well, you've got strong hands,

that's for sure.



But do you have the stomach for it, kid?



I've trained some of the most

wondrous pugs in the ring



over the past half-century.



Men with punches

that'd move mountains.



But if you haven't got it

in the breadbasket,



it doesn't mean a damn thing.



Now, tell me, kid, have you got it

in the breadbasket or not?



- I guess so.

- I knew it.



I saw it in you the minute

you came in through that door.






If you could just remind me of your name

again, lad, we can get started.



It's Jimmy Oonnelly, Mr Flanaghan.



All right, then, Johnny.

Let's get to work.



Have you had a long-standing

relationship with Mr Bush?



No, not at all.



I was in the boozer last night

having a pint, or two or three.



And I overheard Mr Bush

talking to a pal of his



about needing a boxing trainer.



So I imposed myself, like,

and we got to talking,



and the next thing you know,

I'm in gainful employment.



I've often found on me travels

that fate plays a very big hand



in all things connected

to the boxing ring.



Got a spare fag, mate?



Thank you.



I met Jimbo back when

we was little kids, wannit?



His old man and mine

were drinking partners.



They'd fanny to our mums

they were taking us to the park,



but they'd sneak into the pub

and stick us underneath the table.



We played marbles, they got pissed.



We went to school with each other

for a while, but I got expelled.



For stabbing the gym teacher

with an HB pencil.



The nonce tried to have a fiddle

with me nuts in the showers.



He plays up all nice

to the camera, don't he?



I don't, though. I don't care.



Oome on!



It's incredible, really.

Jimmy boy fighting Jose Mendez.



When he told me,

I thought it was a windup.



They should let me fight him.

I'd do a Tyson, bite his ear off.



I'd have it for tea with some

baked beans and nice cup of rosie.



- Girls, show us your pink bits.

- Sod off!









Anyway, Jimmy,

out of the goodness of my heart,



I've decided to help you

in your quest for glory



and become your official motivator.



- Motivator?

- Motivator, Jimbo. Motivator.



Ali had a motivator.

Sugar Ray had a motivator.



So why shouldn't The Oalcium Kid?



Listen to this.

I was working on this earlier.



Float like a boat

Sting like a flea



Nut him on the chin

And he'll fall in three.



That sort of thing. It's all right,

innit? Don't worry about a thing, pal.



With me in control of your psychological

preparation, Mendez will get his.



And if he doesn't, we'll catch up to him

and give it to him South London style.






- [Sebastian] Dave, are you OK?

- You all right?



You all right, mate? He's sparko, mate.



Technical knockout.

Round one. Ding-ding.



Don't be a mug

Act like a thug



Throw a big right

And it'll be good night.



Oi, Stan. You have to pay

for those doughnuts.



Oourse I will, Jimbo.

You know I'm good for it.



Get them knees up, Johnny!



There's fuck all wrong with that,

is there, lads, eh?



[Sebastian] Out camera, Dave. Dave.



It was the fight they all wanted to get.



But it was actually Herbie Bush

that actually get up and go'd



and actually landed the gig.



That's why... Not there, you nana.

I'm ready when you are.



This promotion is really gonna put



Herbie Bush Management

right up there, you know.



Sipping Singapore slings

with all the heavyweight promoters.



It's the fight they all wanted to get.



But it was actually me,

at Herbie Bush Management,



that actually get up and go'd

and landed the gig.



[Sebastian] Don't you think being Pete

Wright's manager helped in any way?



Afternoon nibbles. No crusts

on your sarnies, the way you like it.



And I've put a slice of lemon in your

tea, like they do on the "continente".



On the "continente".



Artie and his people are not aware



of Pete Wright's injury and the change

of opponent at this present time.



They fly in tomorrow,

and I always feel it's best



to kind of do these things

face to face, you know,



once I'm sure

they're actually in the country.



You know what [bleep] Yanks can be.



Maybe you can put a bleep

over the pricks bit.



[Artie Cohen] Jose Mendez

is a unique combination



of God and minister.



Inside the ring, he is Olympian.

All powerful.



Gloriously crushing his foes



with one sweep of his almighty hand.



Outside the ring,



his heart, grace and generosity

are overwhelmingly humane.



He is the chosen one

for many of his generation,



and he embraces

this responsibility completely.



I once said to Jose:

"To win the championship belt



is to win the adoration,

love and respect



from people all over the world."



Five years later,

that belt hangs around his waist.



Now, you tell me... was I wrong?



[Sebastian] Meanwhile,

back at Bush's Boxers,



Jimmy was stepping up his training



under the expert supervision of Paddy.



Make mine a pint, Johnny.



And get us some of them

pork scratchings while you're at it.



Jimmy, we're going to the airport.



Jose Mendez arrives in a few hours

and it's time to tell the world



about Jimmy "The Oalcium Kid" Oonnelly.



The Oalcium Kid?



Do me a fucking favour.



- All right, Pete?

- Yes, Jimmy. I'm golden, thanks.



Apart from the fact

that a fucking milkman



is fighting in my place

for the championship of the world.



All right. There's no need to get upset.

I was only asking.



No need to get upset?

No need to get upset?



- I'll show you upset!

- All right, son. Easy!



I know how you must feel, Pete, but...



I really appreciate you doing this, son.



It's important that we let

Jose's camp and the press know



about your injured hand

as soon as possible,



so we can all move on, yeah?



Piss off, Bush! I'm only coming

cos I wanna see Jose face to face,



and tell him when he knocks the lid off

the milkman and my hand heals up,



Pete Wright will fight him

anywhere, any time!



That's a fair comment, son.



You can piss off an' all, you fucking...



This is bollocks. If Mendez was on that

flight, there'd be press everywhere.



- They're undercover.

- My arse.



As soon as Jose walks through,

they'll come swarming out the woodwork.



What Herbie didn't know was

they were at the wrong terminal.



It's the oldest trick in the book,

delaying the VIP disembark.



They're trying to throw the foxes

off the scent.



But we know better.



They must have called earlier

about the terminal.



Any chance

of picking it up a little, pal?



[Sebastian] Oome on, Dave. Keep up.



What do you mean, move? I set

this whole thing up, you stupid cow!



I'm responsible.

Jimmy, get on the floor.



- All right.

- Get down. I'll get on your shoulders.



Get up.



Get up.



You couldn't organise a bunk up

in a fucking brothel, Bush!



- Artie! Artie!

- [Sebastian] Get after him, Dave.



This is absolutely typical!



Artie! Artie!






It looks like the Yanks

wanna play sneaky.



Two can play at that game. Tomorrow I'm

calling my own little press conference.



My dad gave me

some good advice once:



"Speak if you have something to say."

I always thought that was clever.



He never thought I'd talk to the press.



Jimmy, the guvnor's downstairs.

He'd like a word in your ear.



Right, before we go up there,

a couple of things.



When the press find out you're

replacing Pete, they'll go mental.



I want you to go out there

and be yourself, champ.



And if you feel

a little bit overwhelmed,



Herbie Bush will be there

to lend a hand.



I've had extensive experience with these

kind of characters, so... fear not.



We need to get the people behind

Jimmy "The Oalcium Kid" Oonnelly.



And we need the press

to help us do that.



Now, I have been meticulously planning

various publicity stunts



over the next few days that's gonna

make you a household name, champ.



Holdhouse name. Right you are, Mr Bush.



Jimmy, here, put this on.

Wear it loud, wear it proud.



But calcium is spelt with a O,

not a K, Mr Bush.



It's very important to be original

in this game, Jimmy.



You've got to keep

your opponent guessing.



Oalcium O, Kalcium K. O, K.

He's flummoxed.



[Bush] Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,

for coming here today.



- Where's Jose Mendez?

- We wanna see Mendez.



As I was saying,

we have an announcement to make.



Pete, if you would, please.



Due to a broken hand,

I will be unable to fight Jose Mendez.



- How bad is the injury?

- How did it happen?



- I was sparring with a skinny prat...

- Now to my special announcement.



Thank you, Pete.

Fighting in Pete's place



is the best-kept secret

in British boxing.



Let me introduce to you the next

Middleweight Ohampion of the World,



Jimmy Oonnelly!



Oome on, Jimmy. Get up here.



Ohampion? Fuck off. He's the milkman.



- A fucking nothing.

- Pete...



Shut up, fatty. I don't wanna hear it!



Jimmy Oonnelly.






- It's...

- Speak up.



...The Oalcium Kid, not the milkman.



Jimmy. Jimmy.



- Are you actually a milkman?

- Yes, I'm actually a milkman.



If you live in my catchment area,

I'd be happy to visit you on my round.



Jimmy, what's your record?



He's undefeated. Next question.



- What's your training regime?

- I've been doing a lot of sit-ups.



Jimmy, do you really think that you

stand a chance against Jose Mendez?



Get a shot of him.



Well, my dad once said,



"There's normally a winner

in a two-horse race."



Obviously neither me or Jose are horses,



but I think the moral of the story

is anything can happen.



I believe that.



- [Bush] Jimmy Oonnelly.

- [scattered applause]



That's enough.



[lrish jig music]



It's all about the rhythm in boxing.



From the small time

I've spent with Johnny,



I can see he's got more

in his little finger



than that Mickey O'Jackson fella

has in his whole body.



It's great to be finally back

in the training game.



I feel like I've drunk a pint

from the fountain of youth.



So, Paddy, I hear you've had a few

run-ins with the Boxing Board of Oontrol



about the well-being

of a couple of your fighters.



Let me see, now.



I lost Steve "The Undertaker" Jones

to heat exhaustion,



followed two days later



by the unfortunate passing

of whatshisname O'Reilly



to a blood clot

on the intelligent side of his brain.



See that? Back page of the Standard

is worth its weight in gold.



- This is a huge result.

- It's great, Herbie.



Guvnor, guvnor. Artie Oohen's here.



- Artie Oohen? Here? To see me?

- Yes.



Jesus Ohrist!



[Sebastian] Artie Cohen was Jose's

manager and big-time fight promoter,



a connected New Yorker

whose rap sheet and reputation



suggested he didn't suffer fools gladly.



You held a press conference

without my approval!



This I find objectionable.



And at this press conference

you announced... that a milkman



is gonna fight the great Jose Mendez

for the championship belt.



You was in transit, yeah,



when the situation

with Pete Wright's hand arose.



I felt I had no choice

but to act on our behalf.



I would do nothing,

nothing to harm our relationship.



The only relationships I have, Mr Bush,



are with my fighters and my wife.



So unless you can throw

   jabs in three seconds



or enjoy eating strawberries

from between my toes,



you stand little chance

of qualifying as either.



- OK.

- However...



in spite of this, what shall

we call this, this massive screw-up...






...I am a man of honour.



I've decided to proceed

with this farcical engagement.



Jose Mendez came to England to fight



and fight is what he will do.



Your milkman better

know his way around a ring.



Yeah, well,

obviously he's a bitjet lagged.



Blade, man.



- You're amazing.

- [all speak Spanish]



OK. Is my hair OK? It's fine?



You have to see the chain.



OK. Oan you get that a little bit up?

Thank you.



Being the best...



No, being the greatest

pound-for-pound fighter in the world,



and the chosen one for many of our

generation is something that I can...



Shit! Fuck!



Family values...



I believe in family values, education



and abstaining from excess.



- Honey, it's just a little hot, OK?

- What is this? Turn the camera off.



- There's no scheduled interview.

- They said they were with you.



- Is there a problem, Mr Oohen?

- A problem?



Well, my definition of a problem

is a trivial annoyance



overcome with quickness of thought.



This is a situation.



And what exactly is your definition

of a situation?



Two limey fuck filmmakers



hanging from their skinny pricks

over an eighth-floor balcony



for shooting unauthorised footage

of an Artie Oohen fighter!



This, this is my definition

of a situation!



- Oareful. This is expensive.

- Motherfucker!



[  lan Dury:

Sex And Drugs And Rock And Roll]



Hello, Jimmy boy. You all right, mate?



- Get the drinks in, Jim.

- The man of the hour.



What can I get you, Jimmy boy?



- Three pints of lager and a lemonade.

- We're all behind you, you know that?



And I hope you knock ten tons of shit

out of that wop bastard.



- He's actually Mexican American, Barry.

- They're all the fucking same.



There you are. Whisky's on the house.



Thanks, but I shouldn't be drinking,

what with the training,



so I think I'll just stick

to the lemonade.



I see. Now that you're a fucking

big shot with a fancy film crew,



you think you're special?



Too fucking good to have a drink

with the boys, are you?



No. No, not at all, Barry. Oheers.



- Thanks. Thanks a lot.

- It's not on the house any more.



[  The Jam: Going Underground]



Eric Bristow: amateur.



Stan "   " Parlour: mustard.

Watch this.






- Sorry, mate.

- Oi! What you done?



You shouldn't have been standing

in front of the dartboard.



Oalm down, it's all right.



Stan, cool it.



Oome on!



- You're Jimmy Oonnelly, in't ya?

- I thought it was you.



He's just dealing with some of

his anger-management issues.



- He'll be all right in a bit.

- You've got lovely eyes.



Get the drinks in

if you're not gonna help us.



That should help

bring the swelling down.



You should be able to see out of it

in a couple of days.



Thanks, Jimmy.



"The Oalcium Kid's got a lot of bottle."



"Plucked from obscurity, Jimmy Oonnelly

has become the lead player



in a story of

David and Goliath proportions."



"His boxing skills are unknown,



but this is the stuff of fairy tales."



"As The Oalcium Kid himself

so aptly put it,



'There's normally a winner

in a two-horse race'."



My dad would love seeing

our name in the papers.



He always said

the Oonnellys had potential.



I'll save it for him.



It wasn't his fault, you know.



There's only so much a man can take.



I don't blame him.



Sorry. What wasn't his fault, Jimmy?



Oh, nothing.



- Good night.

- Night-night.



Of course I'm proud of him.

What mother wouldn't be?



People shouting

his name out in the street.



It's done wonders for business, as well.



Speaking of which,



you two look as if

you could do with a massage.



I could fit you both in

before my five o'clock if you like.



Shall we cut the camera?



Give us your autograph, Jimmy.



Yeah, sure. Have you got any paper?



What are you doing?



Write: "To my lover, Mags."



Jesus Ohrist, Jimmy. Keep that indoors.



You've got your reputation

to think about.



Anyway, look who's made

the front page of the Ourrant Bun.



[Mags squeals] It's you!



Jump in, champ.

We got a bit of publicity to do.



I'm in a bit of a hurry now.

Maybe another time.



Oome on. I've got an operation to run.

Oome on.



Keep it tight. Keep it real.

All right, love. Freak.



I've arranged something



that will do wonders for your image

in the community.



Oonnelly, the rules haven't changed.



Jacket off in class.



- Yes, Mr Holiday.

- Ugh! Sweaty pits!






I've got a class to teach next door,



so I'll leave you to answer

any questions my students may have.



Feel free to ask any questions you like.



- Is your name Jimmy Oonnelly?

- Yeah, it is.



Oos it says here,

"Jimmy Oonnelly is a wanker."



What you gonna do with your head

when Jose Mendez knocks it off?



I read you can break wooden planks

over your head cos your nut is so hard.



- Never actually tried that.

- Pussy.



I said I hadn't tried it.

I didn't say I couldn't do it.



Now, it's very important

none of you try this at home, all right?



So If you wanna grow up

strong and healthy,



all you need to do

is drink milk every day.



[bell rings]



Before I go,

I'd just like to say one more thing,



something my dad told me

when I was a kid.



If you have a dream, follow it...



cos it mightjust come true.



- See you.

- Bye, Jimmy.



Now, we do realise that this is

a wonderful opportunity for him.



And as a token of our support,



we've given him a week off work on

full pay so he can get on with training,



and an unlimited supply

of full-fat dairy products



to help with the dietary aspects

of the training.



- All right, Stan?

- Jimbo.



Are you ready, son? Oouple of stretches.



That's it. Lovely. We're off.



[  theme from Rocky]



- Here you are, Jimmy boy.

- Thanks, Mr Jones.



Good luck, son, and don't forget,

bleedin' knock him spark out.



He has been coming to my shop

since he was a little lad



to buy sweets, beverages

and Embassy Number One cigarettes



for his mother, the massage therapist.



Jimmy has been coming in here

to get his hair cut for years.



It's great for the community.



We've been having it hard around these

parts as far back as I can remember.



In honour of Jimmy, I'm giving away

free special boxing-glove sweets



to every kiddie who comes in

to buy ciggies for his mummy.



Uncle Ourtis got a special haircut

for him for the fight.



Go on, Jimmy, son.



You can do it.



There's only one Jimmy Oonnelly!



One Jimmy Oonnelly!



On bumping into Angel,



Jimmy felt like a space rocket,

jetting off towards the stars.



Hello. We haven't properly met.

I'm Angel.



Yeah. Yeah, you are.



Oan I have my knockers back, please?



Yeah. Shit.






On bumping into Margaret Livingstone,

Jimmy was brought crashing to earth.



- Jesus. You frightened me.

- I had a dream last night.



We got married, lived in a house

with two kids and a little doggy.



Archetypal case

of delusional personality disorder,



or, in layman's terms,

an absolute nutter.



You're the best boxer,

we should be together.



It's really not a good time right now.



What with the training for the fight

and everything else... Bye.



Why are you trying to turn Jimmy

against me?



Help! Pervert!



- Miss, please don't.

- [screams]



Don't try and get in the way of destiny.



  Let me see you shake it



  Break it down one time



-   God save our gracious Queen

-   God save the Queen



-   Long live our noble Queen

-   Our noble Queen



-   God save the Queen

-   God save the Queen



-   Send her victorious

-   Victorious



-   Happy and glorious

-   Glorious



-   Long to reign over us

-   Over us



  God save the Queen



In and cut! Good. Gather round.



This is a big deal, you know.



You're singing the national anthem live

on TV at a world championship fight.



Jimmy! Give us a smile, mate.



Do yourselves a favour and go out there



and show the world what

The Altar Boys are all about, yeah?



- Yes, Mr Bush.

- Let's go.



We have a press conference

with Jose and Artie.



We gotta capitalise all this attention

that we're getting.



So far the world has seen the nice side

of Jimmy "The Oalcium Kid" Oonnelly.



But tonight we're gonna show 'em

the fighter, the animal,



the man that's gonna rip

Jose's head off in the ring.



The nation has to believe

that you are a creditable contender.



If you follow my directions exactly and

we can weave a little bit of Bush magic,



then we can make that happen, son.



Yeah? Good. Oome on. Let's go.



Mr Mendez, Mr Mendez.

Great to have you here in London.



- Thank you.

- How are you enjoying your stay?



London is a beautiful town, man.

I'm really happy to be here.



Do you have any concerns about

the last-minute change of opponent,



and is it affecting

your training for the fight?



All of God's children bleed the same.



This fight won't go past

the first round.



Is that your prediction,

a knockout in the first?



- It's God's prediction.

- I have a question.



Where is this replacement fighter?



Maybe he scuttled under a rock



when faced with the reality of standing

toe to toe with the great Mendez.



Yeah, well, that's very funny.



- Good evening. I am Herbie Bush.

- Who?



What's the matter with you?



I'm very delighted and excited

to present to you



Jimmy "The Oalcium Kid" Oonnelly.



- Put it on. Put it on now.

- [rap music]



How does it feel

to be plucked from obscurity



to fight against the best

pound-for-pound fighter in the world?



This must be a great privilege for you.



"It feels like my birthright."



"It's time to bring

the championship belt



back to its rightful place

in Great Britain."



"These foreigners have had

the title long enough."



"We used to own America,



and on Saturday night

I will own Jose Mendez."



You will what?

The only thing that you're gonna own



is the record for the fastest defeat

ever in title-fight history, OK?



- Long live the Queen.

- Oome on!



Never mind the milkman, Mendez.

I'm your man!



It's not the milkman.

It's The Oalcium Kid!



Let's show the world

who the true champion is.



- Out, out, out!

- I'll be seeing the lot of you!



Don't you fuckin' worry!

I'll be seeing the lot of you!



Something about a banana?



Jose Mendez chose this fight

as a way of unifying



the United States

with our brothers in England.



And we get repaid with

this disgraceful display of racism.



This is personal, amigo. On Saturday

it's gonna be just you and me



and the pain I'm gonna bring

to your fascist world!



- This press conference is over.

- He fucking bit me!



[  The Altar Boys:

God Save Our Gracious Queen]






You idiot! As if things

aren't bad enough already,



without you making

a prat out of yourself!



What did I do?



"Fascist fighter shames nation"?



"Jimmy 'The Oalcium Kid' Oonnelly

will fight Jose Mendez



for the middleweight championship

on Saturday."



"He will be doing so

without the support of this newspaper."



"Oonnelly showed up at pre-fight press

conference in full Union Jack attire



and lambasted Jose Mendez

in the name of Queen and country."



What does lambasted mean?



Oi, Jimmy.



- We're right behind you, Oonnelly.

- You lead the way and we will follow.



Jim, I think we should walk away.

Don't talk to those people.



A bit faster, Jimmy. Run. Jimmy, run.



Jimmy, hold up, son. Where you going?



Dave, we should hang back.



I had my suspicion

when he called himself The Oalcium Kid,



but who was to know?



He has disgraced the entire community.



Jimmy Oonnelly has been relieved of

his milk round effectively immediately.



At this point in time that is all I have

to say. Thank you and drink milk.






Didn't do yourselfjustice last night,

did you, Jimmy?



Laid it on a bit thick, didn't you, son?



What I gave you was an outline,

an idea, a concept,



for you to take and finesse

and make your very own.



Let's say I am the map

and you are the driver.



Whether you turn left or right

or do a U'y is entirely up to you.



But before the press conference



you told me to follow

your directions exactly



so we could weave a little Bush magic.



- All right, Jim?

- All right, Stan.



Let us in.

These guys keep following me about.



- They're freaking me out.

- So it's true, then? You are a fascist.



Oourse I'm not a fascist.

They got it wrong.



Never doubted you for a second, Jimbo.

Let's teach these dicks a lesson.



- Who's that at the door?

- Hold this.



- It's Jimbo, Mum.

- I don't want you talking to him.



And don't think you're going out

until you've folded the laundry!



And to think we thought

you were such a nice boy.



  Well, I'm feeling nervous



  And I find myself alone



  The simple life's no longer there



  Once I was so sure



  Now the doubt inside my mind



There's only one Jose Mendez!



  Comes and goes but leads nowhere



  Just when I think I'm winning



  When I've opened every door



  The ghosts of my life

Grow wilder than before



  Just when I thought

I could not be stopped



  When my chance came to be king



  The ghosts of my life

Grow wilder than the wind



  Just when I thought

I could not be stopped



  When my chance came to be king



  The ghosts of my life

Grow wilder than the wind



[Sebastian] Your mum told me

that your dad's in prison.



I know you've had

a rough couple of days,



but it's important that

we cover all aspects of your life



or we're never going to stay faithful

to the project.



Oan we talk about it, Jimmy?



My dad lost his job, so my mum

took a course in massage therapy.



To earn a bit of cash.



I think he found it a bit difficult.



I know he wanted to be the breadwinner.



More and more clients

started coming over the house.



Then one day when I was at school

my dad just flipped.



He ended up hitting one of them

over the head with a kettle.



Eight years. Attempted murder.



Don't you ever visit him in prison?






No. He doesn't want me

to see him locked up.



I remember once he told me...



"Nothing's out of reach

if you've got long arms."



I think deep down I'm doing

this whole thing for him, you know?



Make him proud of me.



So he can hold his head up high

no matter what, cos his son's a success.



- [Pat] I like your bangle.

- [Mags] Thanks.



That's really nice of you to say.



[alarm sounds]



- What are you doing here?

- Don't be so rude to your guest.



You should be flattered a pretty girl

takes an interest in a mutt like you.



Right, I'm off to bed, then.



Oh, if you boys want another massage,



I'm sure I've got another couple

left in me before I crash out.



[Sebastian] No, we're fine, thanks, Pat.



Oh, suit yourself, then, peewee.




It was so nice to spend

some time with your mother.



I think she and I could become

really good friends.



I don't mean to be rude...



but it's not normal.



Turning up in strangers' kitchens,

eating fish fingers is not normal.






This really is all too much.



Everyone thinks I'm a fascist.

The whole country hates me.



I've lost my milk round, and to top

it all, I have to come home to this!



I need to sleep.



I'm exhausted.



Please, leave. Please.



You bastard.



[whispers] What's she doing? She's mad.



- You've gotta be kidding.

- The fight's tomorrow.



I need to see first-hand

how you're shaping up.



Now, come on, stick it on me.

And no holding back, mind.



- I'm not gonna hit you, Paddy.

- I don't know why I'm wasting me time.



I'd find a bigger set of balls

in a girls' hockey team.



Jesus Ohrist! You really are

as much of a dairy fairy



as everybody says you are!



Shit, Paddy. Are you all right? Paddy?



What a right hook.



You've got the devil

hiding in that punch, laddie.



We'll have to give it a name.



I know. We'll call it the Lily O'Dwyer.



Why Lily O'Dwyer, Paddy?



Because it's a thing of beauty,



and let's leave it at that, or you might

bring a tear to a glass eye.



What a punch!



This isn't working out

like you promised.



Everybody hates me and loves Jose.



All you've gotta do is knock Mendez out

and you'll be golden gloves again.



What if I don't knock him out?

He is the undefeated world champion.



We'll cross that bridge

when we get there.



Get cracking.

You've got two hours of training



before our exclusive interview

on XFM radio.



It's your chance to set the record

straight all you like. Don't blow it.






I never swallow.

It's murder on the vocal chords.



And we have our first caller.



Hello, caller. You're live on the air

with Dave King and Jimmy Oonnelly.



- What's your question?

- All right, Dave.



I live on Jimmy's street

and his mum's a brass.



My husband's been doing

the housekeeping on her for years.



- And his old man's in the nick.

- You've got it wrong...



Are you suggesting

that Jimmy's father is a convict



and his mother is a prostitute?



You git!



Pat was a little upset

at the public allegations



made about her choice

of profession on radio.



I'm a massage therapist!



I'm good with my hands.



She gave Jimmy his marching orders

and rented out his room to Margaret.



Whoever that is,

it'd better be fucking good!



All right, Jim? What you doing, pal?



All right. I've had a bit of bother

at home. Oan I stay over?



Your timing's rotten. I've got me bird

over. I'm getting me nuts wet.



- [woman] Stan.

- Oh. OK.



Stop showing off in front of your mate.



Wait there, all right?



Listen, mate.

Why don't you kip in the lockup?



There's blankets and a torch in there.



It's cosy once you get used

to the draughts.



Yeah. Yeah, OK.



Oi, Jim.



Tomorrow's the day

The Oalcium Kid's on his way



The world might think he's a loser



But watch out, he's a bruiser.



With some trepidation



I decided to visit

Pete on the morning of the fight.



Our documentary wouldn't be complete



without some kind of resolution

from its original subject.



I dreamt about this night



ever since I was a little kid.



The night when Pete Wright



won the championship belt,



to gain respect

throughout the boxing world.



Along comes the milkman,

with his bony fucking chin,



and shatters my dream!



- I was robbed!

- I think we should leave now, Dave.



I was fucking robbed!

Stick this in your poxy documentary!



And if you ever come back,

I'll serve the fucking pair of youl



[Sebastian] Come onl Move itl



Hurry up, you fat gitl



Morning, Jimmy.

Sorry, time to wake up.



Life was so simple a week ago.



I miss my milk round.



I felt like I was doing

something good, you know.



I want my old life back.



Ever since my dad went away,

everything's been messed up.



He always gave me

the best advice, you know?



If he was here now,

what do you think he would say to you?



I don't know.



Why don't you find out?



Prisoner      Connelly.



Dad. You're so big.



There's not much to do in here,

son, but lift weights.



I've qualified for this inter-prison

power-lifting tournament.



Got a competition

against the Scrubs next week.



So who's all this mob, then?



It's OK, Dad. They're making

a documentary about me.



I'm fighting Jose Mendez

for the world title.



Yeah, I've been reading about that

in the papers for the last few days.



You landed me in it

with the black fellas.



I'm not a fascist, Dad.

It was a big misunderstanding.



Good. Oos I didn't bring you up

that way, did I, now, eh?



Remember what I taught you

when you was a kid about all that stuff?



- Oolour means nothing to a blind man.

- Exactly.



What is so important

you had to come and talk to me about?



Thought we had an arrangement.



I know we did, Dad. It's just...



I'm a bit confused about

everything that's going on.



Does it feel like everyone's trying

to pull your trousers down, Son?






Yeah. That's it exactly.



My advice to you is

start wearing a belt.



Just because you can't see

the sun behind the clouds



doesn't mean it isn't still shining.



You're OK. Win or lose tonight,

I'm proud of you.



Oh, that's a cocktail, innit?



Yeah, it's very pretty.



- We need to talk.

- Shoot. I'm all ears.



Your services are no longer

required, Mr Bush.



Everything you've got me to do

has been a total disaster



and I've had enough.



Look at him all serious.



No, I'm sorry. Seriously,

what can I do for you, son?



Do you fancy a nice

steak breakfast, steam bath?



Or a Singapore sling? My treat.



I'm notjoking, Mr Bush.



You're a pathetic excuse for a manager.



You're fired!






What does he mean, fired?

You can't fire me.



Without me, there is no fight,

there is no Oalcium Kid.



I think you're a bit

confused there, Mr Bush.



Because without me,

there is no Oalcium Kid.



And without me, there is no fight.



And you know what? I've just decided

I don't want any of it.



Take your Melee On The Tele

and shove it where the sun don't shine.






Tell him what you're gonna do to him

if he doesn't fight Mendez.



Something painful, guv?



If you're trying to scare me,

you'd be better off by saying, "Boo!"



Jimmy, come back.

We can talk this through, champ.



Your pantaloons, guv.



Jimmy! Jimmy, come back here.



Jimmy, open up! It's me!






- Any idea where he might be?

- No, sorry.



You must know something, you posh prat.



I don't think there's any need for that.



What about you, you soppy Irish sod?



I've not the slightest inkling, Mr Bush.



But I know a man who might.



- We're looking for Jimmy.

- Why? Has he done a Burton?



If you mean has he disappeared six hours

before the fight, the answer is yes.



Had enough of your silly bollocks,

has he, Mr Bush?



It would appear that way.



Now, do you have any idea

where he might be?



What's it worth to you?



Not my Merced...



Oi, Jimbo. Silly bollocks

is here to see ya.



Oan I talk with you?

I've had a good think,



and I realise I've not been

so fair with you so far.



I've been so stressed putting together

The Melee On The Tele,



the dolly birds, you know,

The Altar Boys...



I've neglected my job as your manager.



Jim, please, son. Don't do this to me.

Don't do it to me.



If you don't fight, I'm ruined.



I'm all washed-up.



You cost me my job and my reputation.



The whole community's

turned against me.



What can I do to make it up to you,

champ? I'll do anything. Anything!



You can start

by getting me my old job back.



I'll talk to Mr Bennet straightaway.



I'll tell him that whole fascist thing

was all my fault,



and that you were an innocent pawn

in the whole thing.



I want you to donate a state-of-the-art

body-building gymnasium



to H-Wing at Halmsworth nick.



And name it after Olive Oonnelly.



But that's gonna cost me    grand.



Take it or leave it.



Why do I get the feeling I've got

me trousers round me ankles?



My advice to you, Mr Bush:

start wearing a belt.



No, Dave. This is hip-hop styles, mate.



Go low and wide.

Over there somewhere, all right?



  Mic check one, Mic check two

Check my boy Jimmy C coming through



  He ain't no fascist, he's a pacifist

Of fury gunning for glory



  That true front-page tabloid story



  Poke him in his eye

Make sure he cry



  Dig him in his throat

Make sure he choke



  Calcium Kid's in town sporting a frown

Looking to throw down



  Mendez, you're out of luck

You'd better duck



  About to get knocked up

By a milk truck



-   You...

-   See, see, see



  The kid in three



  Big up all you

South London rude boys  






This is world championship boxingl









I thought I'd pop in and wish you

all the best for tonight's fight.



It's gonna be a hard one,

but I know you can do it.



Just give him a couple of them

underneath. Know what I mean?






Did you know that according

to the theory of aerodynamics,



and as may well be demonstrated

by means of a wind tunnel,



the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly.



Because of its size, weight and shape

in relation to its total wingspan,



flight should be impossible.



However, the bumble bee,

being unaware of these scientific facts



but possessing considerable

determination, does fly.



And makes a little honey, too.



Johnny, I want you to close your eyes,

take a few deep breaths



and visualise yourself

sitting in a beautiful field



beside a quaint little stream.



A lovely breeze blows over your face



and you feel safe and calm.



Safe and calm. Safe and calm.



[birds singing]



[heavy rock music]



An angry Jose

shot out of the stream,



grabbed me by the ears

and dragged me under.



The pre-fight anxiety.



I've seen it in many a great champion.



We'll have a look at a video

of one of Jose's scraps



and figure out a way

to batter that bruiser for a loop.



That'll calm your nerves.



I'm gonna die.

Knock me out so I don't have to fight.



Please. Do it. Hard as you can.



Don't hold it against me

if it takes a few wallops.



Don't be such a chopping block, Johnny.

You're in great shape.



You wouldn't know great shape

if it was with you on a treadmill.



"Oome on, Johnny.

Give us the press-ups. Do the jigs."



"Bejesus! There's a leprechaun

in the ring! Punch him!"



I'll bleedin' knock you out,

you mad old Irish bastard!



That's it. Get angry, work yourself up.



Give it everything you've got, Johnny.



And it's not Johnny!



It's Jimmy! Jimmy!






I know what your name is, son.



You've taken enough

and it's time to take no more.



You're ready, son.



Right here, right now, you're ready.



It's time to show the world

that you're no palooka.



It's time to show the world that

Jimmy "The Oalcium Kid" Oonnelly



is a champion.



Well, this is it. Tonight's the night.



We're all here for you,

and I thought you'd like this.



Spelt with a O.



There you go.



You look really nice, Jimmy.



- Thanks, Mr Bush.

- That's OK, son.



There's a full house out there

waiting for you.



Your bones are made of granite,



your punches are harder

than the kick of a mule,



you've got a one-way ticket to the big

time and it's time to get on the train.



Let's do this!



Here's your gloves.



I can see it in his eyes

He's ready for the prize



Rumble, kid, rumble!



Surprise, you slags.



- Oh, my God.

- Shut it, Bush!



- Get in there, the lot of you. Move it!

- [Sebastian] Keep it running.



We could win a fucking BAFTA!



- Get in there! Move it!

- What is that camera crew doing here?



I said sit down!



So, as you can see, I've decided to

arrange for our own little fight night.



We've got everything we need right here.



And we've got the cameras



to make us famous.



Right, first up, national anthem.



Oome on, then, girls.

Let's hear you. Oome on.



  God save our gracious Queen



-   Long live...

- Enough of that bollocks.



You're giving me a fucking nosebleed.

Sit down before I shoot the lot of you.



Right, now for our first fight

of the evening.



A one-round, all-out scrap till

one person gets knocked the fuck out.



Fighting out of South East London,



with a record of no fights, no wins,



no draws and no knockouts.



Ladies and gentlemen,



a useless slag

with no prospects in the game:



the milkman.



You come here to fight, right?



Yeah. Yeah, I did.



So fuckin' move, then!






And fighting out of Las Vegas, America,



originating out of a mud hut

somewhere in Mexico:



Jose Mendez.



[Hispanic accent] You very

fucking strong man. Look at you.



Imagine you're a corner

of a boxing ring.



Make a square round our fighters. Move!



Don't be shy. Flash a bit of flesh

and let's see what you're made of.



Here we go, then.



Let's get ready to rumble!



I want a good, clean fight.

No holding, butting or gouging.



Break when I say break, and when

the bell sounds, come out fighting.



It's bad enough I have to fight

this punk for money in the ring,



but now you want me to fight him

for nothing in a rat hole?



I'm Jose Mendez,

Middleweight Ohampion of the World,



the chosen one for our generation.



This son of a puta whore isn't even fit

to lick the sweat off my balls.



OK, my friend. Now we're gonna

do it for fun, all right?



- This is it, Jimmy. Oome on, son.

- Get in there, son.



[heavy rock music]



Oome on! Just hold him.



- Go on, Oalcium Kid.

- Oome on!



That's it!



Oome on, Jim!



But on second thoughts...



Fuck the milkman, and let's get

straight to the main event.



Fuck me, kid, you do have a hard head.



Leave him alone! You bully!



Never mind the milkman, sweetheart.



When this is all over,

you come over to my place



and I'll show you a real man.



It should have been me, Jose.



It should have been me.



- Not the milkman.

- It's not the milkman.



- You what?

- It's The Oalcium Kid!



The Lily O'Dwyer!



[choral music]






Pete was convicted of abduction

with murderous intent



and sentenced to    years.



He's keeping fit, hoping to relaunch

his career on his release. He'll be   .



Jose claimed he heard a celestial voice



whispering to him down the barrel

of Pete's shotgun.



"Hang up your gloves.

Come fight for the Lord." So he did.



Paddy got a three-fight contract

as Prince Naseem's trainer.



The Prince was reported to find

Paddy's techniques unique but effective.



Herbie decided to expand the business



and branch out

into Middle Eastern entertainment.



Bush and his three bellies are touring

East Anglia and the Home Counties.



Stan's rap shot straight to number one,



landing him a deal

with an urban record label.



He's enjoying all the perks

of his new life.



And as for Jimmy

"The Oalcium Kid" Oonnelly,



well, he can tell you himself.



I got promoted

after the whole Pete Wright thing.



Mr Bennet keeps calling me

their own little national hero.



- Look! The Oalcium Kid!

- Oome on, Jimmy!



Little rascals.



I got a call last week from Artie Oohen



about the possibility of doing

a few exhibition bouts in the States.



I suppose I could take him up on it

one of these days.



But for now I'm back on the float.



Morning, Jimmy. Why don't you come in

and whip me up a milkshake?



I mightjust do that, Mrs Oonnelly.



Not today, fellas, eh?



  I was all confused



  Couldn't find my way



  With my eyes wide open



  Stayed awake

and you had to hide my fear



  And hope for something new



  I have nowhere to run



  My journey's just begun



  Tell me is this the one?



  I've got nothing to hide



  Take what I have inside



  And look towards the sun, I'm ready



  Reach for the sky



  Hoping that I'll find



  Something that is mine, I'm ready



  Through the open door



  Leads to something more



  My world I'm looking for, I'm ready



  Search for something true



  Got us along the way



  With my eyes wide open



  I've been super cool as a rainy day



  And now I'm on the move



  I have nowhere to run



  My journey's just begun



  Tell me, is this the one?



  I've got nothing to hide



  Take what I have inside



  And look towards the sun, I'm ready



  Reach for the sky



  Hoping that I'll find



  Something that is mine, I'm ready



  Through the open door



  Leads to something more



  My world I'm looking for, I'm ready



  Reach for the sky



  Hoping that I'll find



  Something that is mine



  Through the clues

With my eyes wide open



  Finding my way to you



  Through the clues

With my eyes wide open



  Finding my way to you



  I have nowhere to run



  My journey's just begun



  Tell me, is this the one?



  I've got nothing to hide



  Take what I have inside



  And look towards the sun



  Reach for the sky



  Hoping that I'll find



  Something that is mine, I'm ready



  Through the open door



  Leads to something more



  My world I'm looking for, I'm ready



  Reach for the sky



  Hoping that I'll find



  Something that is mine, I'm ready



  Through the open door



  Leads to something more



  My world I'm looking for, I'm ready



  Now I'm ready



  Reach for the sky



  Hoping that I'll find



  Something that is mine, I'm ready



  Through the open door



  Leads to something more



  My world I'm looking for, I'm ready



  Through the clues

With my eyes wide open



  Finding my way to you



  Through the clues

With my eyes wide open



  Finding my way to you



  Now I'm ready



  Reach for the sky



  Hoping that I'll find



  Something that is mine, I'm ready



  Through the open door



  Leads to something more



  My world I'm looking for, I'm ready



  Reach for the sky



  Hoping that I'll find



  Something that is mine



  Through the open door



  Leads to something more



  My world I'm looking for  

Special help by SergeiK