Captain Ron Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Captain Ron script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Kurt Russell movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Captain Ron. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Captain Ron Script





Black coffee with sugar, please.



That glass out front? A window

popped out of the 12th floor.



We could have been under it.

Not the idiot that installed it...



You're walking down the street.

Bam! You're shredded beef.



Makes you think, doesn't it?

We all have things we want to do.



But a window falls on you, some truck

flattens you, you catch a disease...



Not contagious.



Carla, you know Martin Harvey,

new products?



Marty wants to write a novel. About

adventures in product development?



- I said some day...

- Exactly! "Some day."



Martin Harvey? Sign on the line.



Some day I'll retire, some day

we'll have more time for our kids.



Some day Marty will write.

What if some day never comes?



My floor. Coming through.

Come on, step lively...



Going down!



Junk! How much junk

can one person carry?






Ben's little red wagon...



I'm coming!



Caroline, I asked you to do...



Yes?! Oh, hi, Mrs Holtzman,

how are you?



It's not gonna happen at that price.



I have a couple of pieces

of really big news!



Well, let's see. You have    ...



..square feet. No way you're

gonna come in under $    .






I do, too. I've just

got one word to say to you.






I've been hurt!



No, clearly we both prefer tile.

There's just no way...






Can I call you right back,

Mrs Holtzman?



Great! And don't sign anything

until you talk to me.



Great... All right... Fine...



OK... Soon. Bye.









What is he doing home so early?



- I'm home!

- (KATHERINE) Martin?



- Mom?

- (KATHERINE) Martin?



- Mom!

- (KATHERINE) Martin!



- Mom?

- What are you doing up there?



Remember my Uncle William? Sailed

off in      and never came back?



Oh, no, don't tell me. He's back?



Is he coming for a visit? I can't.

This has been a terrible week.



He's not coming to visit. He's dead.



There I am, the last time I saw him.

And he left us that.



- An old steering wheel?

- No. Everything it's attached to.



- You inherited an old boat?

- (BEN) We're getting a boat? Cool!



- What did I say about eavesdropping?

- OK. Are we getting a boat?



- We have to talk about it.

- We're getting a boat!



It's not just an old boat.

It's from the Clark Gable estate.



I phoned three boat brokers.

She's worth over $      !



Get out of here!

Honey, we can really use that money!



We could pay off the second

on the house and the credit card!



How quick can we sell it?



There's one little catch. It's

on the island San Pomme de Terre.



- Sounds romantic, huh?

- It means potato.



- It has to be brought to Miami.

- It means "Saint Potato".



That's not the point. The point is

we can sail it ourselves.



- We don't know how to sail.

- We'll use the engine and learn.



We don't know how to drive a boat.



The Caribbean is full of captains.

We'll hire one to take it to Miami



and teach us how to sail

at the same time.



  -   days under sail. An adventure.






- What do you mean?

- What could I mean?



No. We can't do this right now.

We can't do it!



We'll get a boat mover.

And they will bring it here.



It's about a spontaneous moment

that we just grab at.



We'll be spontaneous

when we have time.



Can I speak to Jason, please?

It's Ben Harvey.



- And there's taxes!

- It's a lifetime experience.



We're getting a boat!




- I'll call you back.



Who put food on the kitchen table?

Did you do this?



Do what, Mom?



All my modifications are washed off.

A week's worth of work, gone.



Listen to you! Floors and windows

are the biggest thing in your life.



We don't give our kids

enough attention. Don't interrupt us.



What about your job? My clients?

We have children that are in school!



We'll take them out. Are they getting

a good education? Two plus three?



- We can broaden their horizons.

- Five!



- Don't you try to guilt trip me.

- I'm not trying anything.



- Yes! You always do this!

- Our kids know nothing about life.







Give me a sec to tell them, OK?

This is so cool!



- What would make you consider it?

- There is nothing to say.



I will not drop everything and go

to a place no one's ever heard of.



Mom, Dad, guess what?



I got engaged.



Yo. Mom. Dad.










These are some of your uncle's

things, removed for safekeeping.



We buried him in a place

overlooking the water.



That was very nice of you.



We had to. We have

no refrigeration facilities...



We understand.



Kate, take a look.



Is that it? It's like something

out of "Adventures in Paradise".



Are you kidding?



That was taken a few years ago.

Isn't she a classic?



It's way better than you'd think.

It just needs a little work.



(MARTIN) Come on, Katherine.



I'll be right back.



Come on.



This sucks.



- Katherine!

- I'm coming!



Clearly the wrong shoe selection.



What do you think?



Just look at this.

You gotta see this.



- MY fault? You got engaged.

- You went ballistic over the boat.



- A ski boat!

- Don't push me.



- Mom, Ben fell in the water!

- Honey, we're coming.



- You pushed me!

- He pushed me first.






Stop it! Don't swallow the water.

You'll get diphtheria.



- Daddy's coming.

- Here, Ben!






Donaldson Yacht Brokers.



All right. Hold on.



It's Mr Harvey. It's a bad connection.



Yes... Mr Harvey. How are you?



We've just received the specs

on the boat from the estate.



It hasn't been surveyed since     .

Have you seen it yet?



Yes, I'm actually looking at it now.



Well, I'm just wondering...

Could you hold on a second?



Excuse me, I'm gonna be a while.



I can signal you when I'm through.



I was wondering what it'd be worth

in less than perfect condition?



I see...



I'll tell you what. Get it up here

and we'll take a look-see.



Not at all. Bye-bye, now.



Patti? We were gonna send

Chuck Petrie to skipper the boat?



- Don't.Just find somebody local.

- From San Pomme de Terre?












This here the Harvey boat?



Who wants to know?



Captain Ron.



- Hey! Are you the captain?

- Ron Rico.



- Call me Captain Ron.

- Hi, Martin Harvey.



- Meet my wife and kids.

- Hi, Mrs Harvey.



Old dog!

She must keep your clock wound.



- No, that's my daughter Caroline.

- My mistake.



Maybe you should

put on some more clothes.



- This is my wife, Katherine.

- What's happening, Kitty?



- Nice to meet you.

- My son Ben.



- Hey, swab.

- What happened to your eye?



- Sweetie, that's rude.

- That's all right. Shark attack.



- A shark ate your eye?

- When I went down off Australia.



- Your boat sank?

- No, it was my boss's boat.



We hit a reef. Huge son-of-a-bitch.

Ran the whole coast.



- Great Barrier Reef?

- You heard of it? Smart lady.



Well, let's see what kinda

trouble this tub's in.



Yeah, just go... The engine is...



- Honey.

- Yeah?



- Honey, did we get a resumé on him?

- I'm sure he's fine.



He's already gone to work.



There is no problem. I'll just

go down and show him a few things.



We should tell him

that we don't know much about boats.



I wouldn't worry about it, dear.



It's the genuine article, all right.

Fairchild Marine.      ponies.



- It drips a lot of oil, doesn't it?

- All diesels do that.



All diesels do that, honey.



Diesels love oil

like a sailor loves rum.



- Yes! Why is that, Captain Ron?

- Nobody knows.



We have to fill her up every morning.

It's a greasy job, but must be done.



- Ben, that sounds like...

- You'd better do it.



- You take out the trash, swab.

- Oh, man!



Hey, swab. Come here.



Listen up. The way it works

shipwards is, you do your job.



You do it good, maybe you'll

get promoted from swab to mate.



Get out.



- Sort of an incentive kind of deal.

- That's good.



Yeah, incentives are important.



I learned that in rehab.



God, it's ridiculous.



- You got dry rot. Every boat has it.

- Every boat.



You are lucky,

yours is above the water line.



Well, most of it, anyway.

All right, let's light the fire.



- I really hate this!

- Are you OK? Will it come off?



- Sure. Turpentine will do the trick.

- Let's see how fast it'll go.



Not yet. We got to be sure

she's shipshape, right, Captain?



Are you all right?



Besides, I borrowed

my buddy's car and...



- Did he come in a car?

- I don't see one.



He said his friend's car.



What the hell?

We got to leave sometime!



I look like a pizza! People think

good complexions grow on trees.



- We don't know if it's safe.

- We'll find out on the ocean.



Anything's gonna happen,

it's gonna happen out there.



- We don't have any supplies.

- We'll get them at St Haag.



I think there's enough fuel.

Push it forward.









(MAN IN CAR) Where are you going?



Capitan Ron! Where is my auto?






You stole my wife, but not my car!






- What is that?

- Some local dispute?



Hey, Boss! Take hold.



- Are those gunshots?

- Look at this.



- Honey, look.

- Keep your eyes out there.



- You look kind of natural there.

- Thank you.



- Spend much time on the water?

- When I was a kid.



It shows.



Keep her due north. Don't bump

into anything. I'll get some shuteye.



Captain Ron?



- Should...?

- Be careful! Are you OK?



- Fine.

- You're comfortable doing this?



Next stop St Haag.



About    miles, I think. Due north.



Isn't this great?



Look at this!

Open ocean, uncharted islands.



Who knows

what's waiting for us out there?



Log entry, day two.

The adventure begins!



What a thrill it is to leave

the turmoil of civilization behind.









- Do you see that boat?

- I see it, honey.






Captain Ron? Could you come up,

please? Everything's fine.



There's something wrong

with Captain Ron. I think he's dead.



Oh, my God. Oh, my God!



Ben, stop that!



- Tough break. We'll have to go home.

- (MARTIN) Is he OK?






I didn't do it!



Where am I?



Sorry, Kitty.

I do that to keep the light out.



- What about your other eye?

- Glass, swab.



I won it in a crap game.

How are we doing up on deck?



- This is...

- I know, I know.



- Are you OK?

- Yeah. Good job, Boss.



There are boats all over the place!



They'll get out of the way.

I learned that on the "Saratoga".



- "U.S.S. Saratoga"?

- Yeah, the old Sara.






- Slow down!

- Get ready to kick the fenders over.



- What are fenders?

- Those rubber bumper things.



Hold on!



Hang on to something.

We're coming in too fast.






Did you see that? That was cool!



Let's tie her off

and kick back some cold ones!



Kommen Sie hier!

I'll go with a margarita.






I gotta confess,

I was a little nervous about that.



I don't know why.

He obviously knows what he's doing.



.. Tell me where

you've been last night, Caroline..



I miss the clubs in Chicago.



I am engaged.

But it's kind of informal.



Like, not a problem.



I gotta go. I'll see if I can make it.






What do you think about Captain Ron?



I can find someone else

if you're not comfortable with him.



No, he's fine. He seems to know

what he's doing. He was in the Navy.



What about the eye thing?



I wouldn't fire him because he is

physically challenged. I admire him.



Look at the way he parked the boat.



Unbelievable! Especially for somebody

with no depth perception.



Yeah, he's good.



.. Take your bundle and go, Caroline

Take your bundle and go, Caroline..



- She said she'd meet us here.

- Will you trust her?



- Hey, how was it?

- Cool. Rainforests and shells.



- I told you!

- It was fun.






See. That's very friendly.

That's not what you get at home.



.. Tell me where you've been

last night, Caroline..



I've done some research

and plotted our course.



This is old stuff to you,

having been a helmsman.



I just steered the Sara.

I didn't navigate.



Get me another brewski.



- You know these waters well.

- Yeah, no problem there.



Besides, if we get lost,

we dock somewhere and ask directions.




I've never heard of these places.



That's the point. Who wants to stay

in a place like this every night?



We can visit sponge fishermen

and an old monastery,



fabulous rock formations

and an old Spanish fort.



If we stay on schedule,

we'll be there for carnival!



- There. San Juan.

- That sounds like fun.



- Where is that again?

- San Juan.



- I'll just leave this with you.

- I'll give her a good study tonight.



- I thought we'd go below.

- All of us?



No, just you and me.



- Kids. Mom and I are gonna turn in.

-  .  ?



- Dawn comes early on a boat.

- You're right about that, Boss.



But you can stay on deck

and play a game or something.



- Hell of an idea. Poker?

- I think we'll stick to Monopoly.



- It's just...

- I got you. Come on, swab.



What do you think, baby?

The first night on the boat.



Waves lapping against the hull.

You, me, in our floating palace.



Skipper, the walls are kind of thin.

We're not alone.



I thought about that. The shower.

A little camouflage noise.






- What's with you?

- Party at the Dutch consulate.



- Nice map.

- Nice dress.



If anyone asks, I went for a walk.



Expensive night.



Now that you got a little coin,

let's make the game interesting.






Let's say    cents equals     dollars.



- Mr Big Stakes.

- What's that sound?



Water pump.



- Get your hands off!

- I wasn't gonna drink it.



You bet you wasn't.

You want a beer, get your own beer.



Honey, wait.

Let me adjust the shower.



What's that? A mop.



- Don't go nowhere.

- Where would I go?



- Lucy, I'm home!

- It suddenly got crowded in here.



- It's a bit cramped in here.

- I dropped the wash cloth.



I gotta open the door.



It went down the drain!



B & O Railroad. That's $  .  .



-Just turn off the water.

- I'm trying to turn it off!



- This is a piece of junk!

- Turn it the other way.



What? Did you drop it?



Three houses,    ! That's    cents.



- That's half the money I have left.

- Shit happens. Cough it up.



We're gonna run out of water.

Hang on.



By the way,

you owe me  .   for the beer.



-Just calm down.

- I got it!



Don't let my children find me

drowned and naked in the shower.






See? We're fine.






Yes, Captain Ron?



Don't take long showers.

Eats up the fresh water.



Thank you for pointing that out.



- Boss?

- Yes, Captain Ron?



You know you got a mop

wedged against the door?



- Yes, I'm aware of that. Thank you.

- I wasn't.



Here, Boss. I'll just take...



- Sorry, Boss.

- No, it's fine.



- Everything's under control now.

- I'll help you clean up.



- No, that's OK. Thanks.

- It's a lot of water.



Well, it's a boat.



I'll see you in the morning.



- Want me to close the door?

- Yes, that would be nice.






Are you trying to cheat Captain Ron?



No, honest. What happened?



Nothing. They were playing

hide the salami in the shower.






Trip log, day five. At sea.



So far our adventure has been

sanding, painting and polishing.



But the boat is starting

to look a lot better.



You can make it look great

by cleaning the wood.



It's all wood.



I do have concerns

about other aspects of the voyage.






- Dad, the sander doesn't work.

- Here, I'll fix you up.



Captain Ron?






Hey, Boss...



Man overboard!



- Throw me a line!

- Are you OK?



Yeah, I'm fine.



This could happen to anybody.

Here you are, Boss.






Always stand clear

of the ladder, Boss.



Concern is increasing

about our captain.



He lost our ladder,

he doesn't navigate.



In my opinion, he steers badly.



(RON) Jib, staysail, mainsail.



Mizzenmast, mizzenboom,

mizzen halyard winch.



- Is this "Full Metal Jacket"?

- It's the basics.



You gotta be prepared.

I mean big-time prepared.



Well, prepared for any normal...



It's the Caribbean, guys -

"El Caribe".The Spanish Main.



It's the land of voodoo,

hoodoo and all kinda weird shit.



Wow! Too cool.



It is important to know the basics,

and they're not that hard, right?



Right. Any dope can learn it.

This rigging. Standing or running?



- Kitty?

- Red running, blue standing.



You got it!



Head of the class!






Remember, when the sails go up,

you can't go dead into the wind.



A little this way, a little that way.



She's like a woman. Responds

to touch. The power of the wind...



You feel that? Get your sea legs.



- Stop whining.

- I'm not. You said the Caribbean!



St Bart's with Mick and Cher,

or Club Med. Not scrubbing deck!



I'm not kidding. Being a galley slave

holds no appeal for me.



Why didn't we just

take a Princess Cruise?



Captain Ron...

May I have the camera, please?



Sure, Boss.



I thought I'd take a look.

I didn't use any film.



Is that right?

Let me tell you something.



This is not a toy. It's a highly

complex piece of equipment.



- I can see. All kinds of buttons.

- It came with a   -page manual.



I read it. Have you? I doubt it.



Excuse me. Are we going

to any more human-type places?



- You heard of St Croix?

- Yeah!



- We're going to a place next to it.

- What's it called?



- Teds!

- "Teds"...?



It has great historical significance.



A sponge fisherman's convention!

Or more rocks.



She's really a great girl.



Yeah, I think you broke it, Boss.



Swab, bring me another brewski!



Day ten. Sailing lessons continue

under Captain Moron's direction.



- Martin, are you OK?

- It could happen to anyone.



Swab, come here.



When you get down there, grab it,



yank on the line twice. I'll pull you.



Never mind. You go with the boss.

I'll take care of it.



This is going to be

one of the high points of the trip!



It doesn't even have a dock!



But it has one of the best examples

of Spanish forts in the West Indies.



Cannons, walls.

They're all still here.



- Double baconburger and a dog.

- Chips, baconburger.



- Why are you so upset?

- He took us to the wrong island!



- We all make mistakes. He's human.

- Prove it.



Let's make the best of it

and explore the island.



- I just ordered chilli fries!

- How much for the hat?



Look. See, everything's fine.



The kids are happy, Ron is buying

us lunch. Let's just eat, OK?



I planned a spontaneous adventure.

Captain Contagious is screwing it up.



Throw some music on the jukebox.



Boss! Stay on the path.

There's guerrillas in these woods.



Too cool!



- There are no gorillas here.

- Yeah, there is.



Sorry, gorillas are native

to Equatorial Africa.



No gorillas. Not here. No way.



Honey, stay on the path, OK?



- I think he has a problem with you.

- The boss? No, we're like this.



Some people get jealous at me.

There's the Navy thing.









- How about it, babe?

- I can't dance to this. Nobody can.



Check this out.



- Come on. You know how to do this.

- Not in these shoes.



Kick them off!



"Stay in the path, Boss!

There's gorillas in the woods."



- Martin and I used to go dancing.

- It shows.



If there's one single gorilla

around here, I'll eat it.






Gorillas. Right.



He could have said "revolutionaries",

"freedom fighters". No.



"Gorillas". He did it on purpose.

You can see it in his eyes...eye.



- Martin, he'll hear you!

- Let him hear me.



- He did convince them to let you go.

- Sorry. A true humanitarian.



There's Terry Waite, Desmond Tutu

and Captain Ron. The big three.



Boss? I just wanted...

More dry rot? Don't worry about it.



I fixed the winch handle.

Try to be more careful, all right?



- What are you holding?

- Winch drum.



That's my girl!



- Honey, don't start anything.

- I'm just getting a screwdriver.



- What difference does it make?

- I'm sick of being the thimble.



Well, I'm the top hat.

Be the battleship.



I'm the battleship.



- What's this?

- Monopoly.



- Two .  s and a MAC-  .

-Just some macho trip.



- Where did they come from?

- Ron traded with the guerrillas.



- We're getting into pirate waters.

- Pirates?



- Pirates of the Caribbean.

- Been to Disney World too many times?



- It's true. They have speedboats.

- I've never been to Disney World.



- Dollywood...

- You made me lose count!



- No guns on this boat.

- We need to fight off pirates.



- They can steal the boat.

- There are no pirates here.



- You said that about the guerrillas.

- I was right!



He said "gorilla". Not "guerrilla".

"Guer", "go".



Huge difference!



- What was that?

- Automatic weapons. How about that?



Captain Ron thought

we would have to hold off pirates!



He actually traded... Hold on.



- Captain Ron!

- Yeah, Boss?



- What did you trade?

- There's the beauty. Nothing. Nada.



They needed a lift to San Juan

and since we're...



This is my boat. You understand?



We don't give lifts

to armed revolutionaries.



Whatever you say. I'll return the guns

and the whole thing's off.



Is there a problem?



All right, fellas, give me a break.

Sit down.



Stand by to set the mainsail!



Set the mainsail!



Babe, don't just watch!

Jump up and guide those lines.



- Careful.

- Honey, be careful.



- Got it, Mom.

- Control your excitement, Caroline.



Wait! Come here.

Keep us on a heading of    .



Guys, you've been through this!



Babe, get on the winch,

Boss, come up here with me.



Let her up, let her up!



Come on up here, Boss!



Bring it down!



OK, take it up. Today, guys!



Wait, wait, wait!



Come around on the other side.

Watch what I'm doing. Take it up.



Go below and cut the engine,

then kill the fuel lines. Ready?



Guys, vamanos al frente! Kitty!

Come jump on this mizzenmast.



- See what I'm talking about?

- All right, Mom!



Day    finds me in the clutches

of revolutionaries,



and my family in the clutches

of Captain Ron.



Next stop, carnival in San Juan.

Or so we thought...



Trust me, you have not been kidnapped.

Captain Ron is a jerk.



He gets lost.

This is his second time in two days.



They don't know English, I don't

know Spanish. No communication.



Well, everything is cool. When you

get lost, all you got to do is ask.






San Juan is behind us. About    miles.

But General Armando hardly blames you.



I explained it to him. It's the tides.

They work for you or against you. Hey!



I don't think she's waving at you.



- She's not?

- I sincerely doubt it.



Hey, Clarice!

Babe! Who are you waving at?



Yeah, I thought so. When I saw

Clarice, I knew where we was.



Confidentially, I've had

these problems with the tides before.



I'm coming!



You know,

every time I'm up this way she,



well, she wants my manhood, you know.



Have a good time, Boss,

'cause I'm gonna.



Hang on, I'm coming.






No, just rise above it, Marty.

You'd probably miss and hit the girl.



- Dad.

- Don't sneak up on me like that!



Dad, it went through the deck!



Dad, the boat's on fire!






Martin, what happened, honey?



- Are you all right?

- Why do you think I'm not all right?



You still there?



I have to say this was worth getting

lost for. It's absolutely gorgeous.



I just wish that you could see it.



I can see it.

I just have these, you know, spots.



Sweetie! Ouch.



I'm fine. What about Captain Ron?

Can we talk about him?



We can't get rid of him.

Who's gonna drive?



I can drive the boat.



The doctor says that by tomorrow

my retinas will be fine.



Let's wait till we're in San Juan.

We'll figure out what to do.



- Tree.

- Thank you.



I have to admit,

I was against all this.



But getting the sails up today

was quite a rush for all of us.



And today I discovered

something in the cabin.



I could show it to you if you want.



American girls are very,

what's the word? Superficial?



I hate that! Like, I'm into different

cultures and ways of doing things.



Like, we saw "Mr Ed" on TV

the other day? He spoke French!



It was like, he speaks French!

That is so cool.



All right, General. You're up.



Boardwalk with three hotels.

That's $    .



A penny to the dollar,

that's $   U.S.



- That's all the general's money.

- Shit happens. Cough it up.



It's not like I hate the guy.

I don't hate anybody.



I can't wait for you to see this.

It's so amazing.



- Come here.

- Mom, can we get some drinks?



- Yes, honey, they're in the...

- The blue cooler.



- Could you get them?

- You're a big boy. You get them.



I found this while I was...



stripping these cabinets down here.

Look here.



- Isn't that amazing?

- Oh, that's great.



Oh, your poor eyes. Come here.



Here. Feel. CG.



Plus. CL. Can you believe it?



Didn't the boat belong to Clark Gable?

Clark Gable plus Carole Lombard!



That is great!



Think about it.

Gable and Lombard in this bed.



With those cute little cherub guys

up there. Isn't it just so amazing?



And the ocean outside. It's the most

romantic thing I've ever imagined.



- In San Juan, no more Captain Ron?

- Whatever you say, honey.



Hey, who's rocking

the boat down there?



It's the dawn of a new day.



Charged by the best sex

we've had in three years,



if you don't count

that one time in the car,



and the knowledge that Captain Ron

is about to leave our lives,



I feel great!






Honey, let's not forget we have

guests, if you know what I mean.



Hi, how's it going?

Good seeing you.



Hola. Buenas dias.

And como esta?



How are you doing, guys?

Good to see you. Over there.



Good morning, Boss.



I spent the night ashore.

I figured the boat might be crowded.



That's mighty nice of you.



How long will it take us

to get to San Juan?



Four or five hours, tops.



- And you know the way?

- Any fool could find it.



Well, let's hope so.



Don't worry, Boss.



It's just a little squall. They come

on you fast and leave you fast.



We have enough life preservers

for everyone. Don't panic.



All right, this tie model.

They highly recommend a bow.



Honey, you'll never get that undone.



Listen, everybody!

You shouldn't worry about this.



It's just a little squall.

They come and go fast.



Váyase! Escuchame bien.



Quierro sabe si este barco se va...



- Blub-blub-blub.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.



No blub-blub-blub!



We're not going to sink!



You don't wanna be down here

if she breaks up.



Mom! My glasses broke

and the lens fell out!



Honey, don't worry about your glasses.

Just stay there and hold on.



Honey, hold on!



Don't panic! We know where we are.

We have a compass and a chart.



Right about that, Boss.

I got it right here.



It's OK!

We still have our compass.



The only instrument Columbus had

to get him to the New World



was his trusty compass.



Don't lose that!



Hang on a second.

Go ahead, grab onto that line!



Everybody listen to me!



The boss is right!

We should be OK.



- I know we're near land.

- Great! You hear? We're almost there!



Explain to the kids how you know that.

Translate for the general.



All right. Stay with me.



When we left, we had just enough fuel

to make it to San Juan.



And we are out of fuel!



He's gone crazy!

I've seen this before!



Grab his tongue.

Shove a stick in his mouth!



I see something!






Honey, look!



Day   . Survived storm at sea.



Captain Ron is more cunning

than I originally suspected.






Honey, we can't fire him now.

He got us through the storm.



He almost got us killed in that storm!



I'm sorry. You don't totally

understand it. He's eating my brain!



- He's taking over our lives.

- Honey, you're exaggerating.



- He was dancing with all the girls.

- This is great!



You don't have to wear those glasses.



- Let's not wear them.

- No, Mom, I'm fine.



Kitty's right. Sometimes I go

without the patch. It puts people off.



I don't like

to draw attention to myself.



I got news for you, Ron.

If I had a hand mirror...



Caroline, honey...



- That was so cool!

- Let's take a walk, shall we?



You kids keep up. Let's go.



Yes, I admit that Captain Ron

is a little rough around the edges.



- No, he is a psycho.

- Well, what does that mean?



Help me out. I lost my eye.

You see it? There it goes.



I love this. I love it!

This is an experience of a lifetime!



Hang on! There it is!



Would you please back off!

I lost my eye, man!



Caroline hasn't mentioned

being engaged. And Ben...



Let me tell you about Ben. I wanted

this to be a bonding experience.



Father and son. Now he's bonding

with Captain Cyclops!



He's such a character.



Honey, where are the kids?



They're there. Ben!



They were right there. Caroline!















- Did you find them?

- What? No.



Forget it. Never did fit, anyway.

You gotta get them custom made.



Hey! Where's Mom and Dad?



It wasn't smart to mention we brought

revolutionaries to the island.



I'm not starting a fight.

It's just my opinion.



I was trying to show

the kind of person Captain Ron is.



I'm Bill Zachary from the U.S.

State Department. Good news.



- You found our children?

- No.



But you are not being charged

with subversion.



You are being expelled

from the island.



- What? When?

- Now.






What is going on?



- Caroline!

- You guys are back early.



- What are you doing?

- The merengue.



- Where is your brother?

- He's around. You guys!



Captain Ron didn't want us wandering

around. So we found this band



and these people,

and we just had a party!



We were worried sick

the whole time we were in jail.



- In jail?

- Don't worry. Who's this guy?



Mamba! He doesn't speak English,

but he's cute. Guess what?



- You're engaged.

- No, I didn't get engaged.



I got tattooed. Mamba did it.

It's a cool little rose.



- Where did you get this tattoo?

- At Mamba's shop.



- Where on your body?

- Mom, it's kind of private.



A guy with a spider on his head

tattooed you somewhere private?



- It could be a lot worse.

- How?



Hey! What happened to the music?



Uh-oh. Coming through!



- Come back here! Ben!

- Excuse me, folks.









Are you hurt? I told you

not to leave bottles lying around.



You cretin!



Angeline's no Cretan.

She's Puerto Rican.



- I'm not talking to her.

- We're playing strip Monopoly.



- We ran out of money. She's...

- Where's Ben?



- He went that way.

- You tattooed my kids!



- Who is he?

- Dad, it's fake. It washes off.



- Thank God!

- And Caroline's?



- No, that's real. Primo work.

- You're fired.



Boss, wait a minute!



Let's at least have a dialogue here.



Giving the children beer

and bringing that woman around...



- Angeline's OK. Roscoe is the jerk.

- Yeah, we saw Roscoe.



You'll see him again

if I don't get paid $   .



She had Park Place with three hotels.



Curve it a second, boss - former

boss. The woman had a system.



I just figured it out

before you got back.



Let us back in that game,

and I can whittle that down.



Whittle yourself out of my life!



And you! Tell Roscoe

you're not getting jack!



- I wouldn't do that.

- I would. Beat it.



- Get back on the boat!

- You're embarrassing me.



I'll do more than that

if you don't get going. Move!



Oh, man!



Well, you know.

It'll take some time to get over this.



We'll get by somehow. We always do.

I didn't think we'd survive this.



Don't worry. We'll be in Florida soon.

We'll sell this thing and go home.



We'll just forget the whole thing.

It seemed like a good idea.




Martin, you know that Roscoe man?



The Pirates of the Caribbean!



- What?

- Oh, no.



So, think we'll ever

see our boat again?



Hey, guys. Wake up!



- Sharks!

- We're gonna die!



- No, land! Paddle!

- We're gonna live!



It's land! It's land!






- Where is this?

- I don't care. It's dry land.



First things first. Stay here.

I am going to find out where we are.



In five hours the stores open.

We can get some clothes.



Until then, I want you to dry off

as best as you can.



Back to the raft!



Do it! Get in the raft!

Honey, get in.



Martin, what is it?



Prohibit to pass.



Let's just go to the most

important part of the sign, shall we?



"Cuba". We're in Cuba?



- Wouldn't you just know it?

- What's so bad about Cuba?



I agree with Caroline. It's land.



Her world view is based

on "I Love Lucy" reruns.



The world's changed a lot

since Ricky Ricardo.



Honey, they did

the "Today" Show in Cuba.



Well, let's just

get some cigars and relax.









Have we ended up

in the same spot as our boat?



- Isn't that a little odd?

- Strictly speaking, no.



Hey! Stay out of my...!



- Good one, Caroline!

- Keep quiet. Be quiet.



- What are we gonna do?

- What can we do?



The sun's coming up, we have no money,

no passports and no explanations.



- We've got our boat.

- No, the pirates have our boat.



It's still our boat. We cleaned

the stupid thing, and we sailed it.



- What do you expect us to do?

- Get it back.



Bloodthirsty, heavily-armed pirates

against the Harvey family?



Guys, it would take a miracle.






- It's Captain Ron!

- Get in!



- What the hell are you doing?

- Rescuing you.



- We don't need you.

- Honey, I think we do.



- Get in, hurry!

-Just like you said, Captain Ron.



The pirates are easy. Worry about

the cops. Grand theft auto is big.



- You stole this car?

- Borrowed it, Boss.



- How'd you find us?

-Just got lucky.










What happened?






All right, you fire up the boat.

I'll ditch the pirates.



We'll be right back!



Watch this.



- You jerks!

- That was cool. You faked them out.



- I'm glad you're back, Captain Ron.

- I'm there for you.



- Dad tries, but he screws it up.

- Dad does the best he can.



It's not his fault that...






I hate everything about you,

you stupid, ugly...



Everybody grab their shit!



- He hasn't started it yet.

- Hang on!



Wait here.

I'll see if I can give him a hand.



- We'll be OK.

- Kids!






Ben, get down and stay down.



- Mom, slack off.

- Look!



Sorry, Boss. I think I broke my leg.



- Dad! Dad!

- Martin, help!



Dad! Help!






Over there!






- Mom, did you see that?

- Don't just sit there. Pull me in.



Kids, grab the mainsheet!

Bring him in!



- Come on. Hold on, Dad!

- We got you, Dad.



- That was the coolest!

- You say that now!



-Just tie this off, OK?

- Ben, grab the line.



- Are you all right?

- Are you all right?



I'm fine. Captain Ron broke his leg.

I'm serious. Go see.



- Yea, Dad!

- Yea, Ben!



- Kitty, that's all right...

- Stupid pirates!



- We got to have it on video.

- Sure, good idea.



- That was so cool!

- We showed them!



- Do you know about broken bones?

- I took a first aid course.



It shows.



Now we'll get a splint. Shoot!

I was supposed to do that first.



All right, kids.

Nothing can stop us now.



Tell the boss there's a small island,

Los Palonimos. It's on the chart.



When we get there,

we're out of Cuban waters.



You smell something?



Dad, what's that?



Oh, my God!



OK. Hold on.



Not much point, Boss.



- Bearings is burned out.

- What does that mean?



I forgot to fill it with oil.



- What do we do?

- Captain Ron...



Not this time, swab. Bone's

about to punch through the skin.



Them pirate guys don't like to lose.

It's an honour kind of a deal.



Mr Harvey. I crossed

these guys once before.



They can get to be a little messy,

if you know what I mean.



OK. On deck. We'll get the sails up.

You want to save this boat?



All right! Now you're talking.



You can do it!

I never seen such sailors!



Naturals! Every one of ya's naturals!



We're gonna fucking die.






Caroline, get the gaskets!

Katherine, on the mizzenmast!



Ben, the mainsheets!



Good going, Katy! Go!



We're too far into the wind!

We gotta bring her around!



Caroline, come here.



Pull back.






- Pull!

- I'm trying.



- You're tough. You've got a tattoo.

- A little one!



Be a little tough, then.



Guantánamo, wake up!



Attaboy, Boss. You got the wind.



- Go, go, go. Hang on.

- I got it.



- OK, I got it!

- Got it?



It's awesome, Dad!






- Maybe it's nobody.

- Yeah, maybe.



We're doing our job, you do yours!

These people are taxpayers!



Oh, geez! Gunplay!



Are you born stupid? Stay down!



- They're not gonna shoot at us!

- What are you doing?



I'll blow a hole

in their boat with this!



This is a serious call for help!



That's different. We had dry rot!



- There are children on this boat!

- We've had enough!



- Mom is pissed.

- Adiós!



How much did you pay for this?



Mom! Over there!



- Who's that?

- It's the U.S. Coast Guard!



We're the Harvey family from Chicago!



- I'll get them on the radio.

- We're Americans!



All right!

Coast Guard kicking ass!



The leg is a lot better. I heal fast.

I believe in Jesus, so that helps.



U.S. Coast Guard calling

  -foot ketch off Los Palominos.



This is "The Wanderer".



This is Commander Morgan.

May we speak with the captain?



May we speak

with the captain, please?



That's you, Boss.

You're the captain now.



Day   . New log.



Old log fell into the hands

of the Pirates of the Caribbean.



We said goodbye

to Captain Ron today.



He hadn't been back for   years.



Something about

the statute of limitations.



I didn't ask questions.



He kept his promise to Ben,

promoting him to mate.



Bye, Captain Ron.



He traded hair grooming

tips with Caroline.



We're gonna miss you.



And he kissed Katherine.

I think he French kissed her.



You're a lucky man, Boss.



Then, as suddenly

as he'd come into our lives...



Captain Ron!



..he was gone.

And our adventure was over.



Once the Harvey boat comes in,

pull it out of the water.



- You want it surveyed?

- No, it's a piece of junk.



Set it down back, and we'll cut it up

for scrap and salvage what we can.



Tomorrow at this time

we're gonna be home.



We can do one of two things.

Sell the boat and go back to Chicago



or don't!



- OK. Coming about!

- Good going!



Hey! HEY!



Where are you going?



Over here!



- Where are we going, skipper?

- I don't know.



"But if we get lost, we'll just pull

in somewheres and ask directions."



Oh, boy! Look at that, Barbara.



Do you think we'll be able to do that?



Sure you will, Boss. I guarantee it.



Let's light the fires

and kick the tyres. Push that back.



Hang on a second.



You forgot to cast off.

It could happen to anybody.



We want to check the boat out.

We bought it yesterday.



Get her out on the ocean.

If it's gonna happen, it's out there!



There's a lot of boats!



They'll get out of our way.

I learned that on the "Saratoga".


Special help by SergeiK