Career Opportunities Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Career Opportunities script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Jennifer Connelly and Frank Whaley movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Career Opportunities. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Career Opportunities Script





That wasn't

a store robbery.



That was an




That wasn't a clerk.

That was a wise guy.



How do I know?



I spent a little time with

the FBI's organized crime unit.



You could say that

I'm intimately knowledgeable...



with the rancorous

workings of the Mob...



in the midwest section

of this country.



I know gangland slayings,

and that's exactly what this is.



I'd look into it personally,

but I got a date tonight.



Think I'll take the private jet

and fly to Spain,



pick up

the little lady,



do the subsonic tummy bump

at       feet...



then glide back into

the U.S. Of A. By dawn.



I know what you're gonna say:

"Jim Dodge, settle down.




You owe it to yourself."



I'll tell you

what I tell everybody.



Any little fräulein that

expects anything more from me...



than a little bit

of pleasure, danger...



and a great set

of pectorals,



she's looking for

a fall right on her ass.



- Hubie, Hubie!

- Let me tell you something.



If you know what's good for you,

don't you ever come back!



You're not gonna find someone

who has the relationship...



with those animals that I do.



Listen to the dogs.

They love me!



It all started

when I was   .



That's when I invented

the artificial cow heart.



Oh, that was a big thing.



A little before your time,

but it made the newspapers.




they picked up on it.



But it's more or less

a hobby for me, boys.



Scoot over!



Actually, today I decided...



I've gone about as far as I can go

in the animal health-care business.



The reason that I'm not

at work this afternoon...



is because I was made an offer

I cannot refuse. I sold.



Whatcha gonna do

with the cash?



Invest it overseas,

projects in Eastern Europe.



I don't know.

I've got everything.



Jim, you just bought

the animal hospital.



How come you

sold it so fast?



Tax problem.



And here's my

accountant right now.



Earl, take a bow.




   minutes for lunch.

Go buy another suit.



He works for me.



He's scouting some

real estate for me,



but the market's

real tight.



I like the new

uniform, Lorraine.



With the right

shoes and handbag,



that might be suitable

for a cocktail party.



So... question.



When in the worid are you going

to start serving sashimi?



Maybe when I find out

what it is.



You've never

heard of sashimi?



You've got

to be kidding.



It's this special

Japanese fish you eat raw.



A little

butter sauce,



and you're ready

to go to heaven.



I'd hire you in a minute if I hadn't

already fired you so many times.



Did you ever think

of leaving town?



Thousands of people

over in St. Louis...



got no idea

how full of shit you are.



You've been alive for

   years, my friend.



Plenty of time

for most people...



to find a place

for themselves.



Well, I'm not like

everybody else.



- You know what I'm saying?

- Yeah, that's for sure.



How about if I...



I work for you

for free?






I'm afraid not, Jimmy.



Think about St. Louis.



- Hey, Josie.

- Hi.



- Fill her up?

- Fill her up.



How you doin'?



You got fired again,

didn't you? Didn't you?



Who told you that?



- Hubie Marshall called me at work.

- He called you at work?



That's it, I'm gonna...

What'd he say?



He said

he fired ya!



He said that?

And you believed him?



Damn straight I do!



With all due respect, Dad,

you're Mr. Gullible. Sometimes.



The truth of the matter is,

Dad, I resigned.



- I'll tell you something else.

- Shut up, Jimmy!



I had no idea the job was

gonna be a hire/fire situation.



Luther Betenhauser's boy

is doing better.



- What's wrong with him?

- Fell off his grandfather's silo.



- He's got brain damage.

- He does not.



Hoover Fey says his tongue's gonna

hang out his mouth the rest of his life.



And when he dies,



at the funeral they're

gonna put a mask on him.



Do I have to listen to this

while I'm eating?



Let's talk about

something else.



Josie McClellan

moved to New York.



She did not.

I saw her today.



I don't know

how you could.



I heard she got tired of

taking care of her father,



and she told him

to jump in a lake,



and left to get her M.B.A.

In high-fashion design...



at the University

of New York City.



I just saw her at the gas station

in living color.



We had a cup

of java together.



I'm gonna take Lou Selby's

word over yours any day.



Lou Selby's a drunk.



For a guy who's just

lost his umpteenth job,



you sure are handy

with the tongue sword.



- You got canned again?

- Well, he didn't get canned.



He got fired.



That's gotta be a record.



Not only are you

an obnoxious slug,



but you're a freeloading

obnoxious slug.



You should talk.



In your mid-forties,

still living at home.



I'm twenty-four,

and I pay rent.



- So do I.

- You did pay rent.



Dad, you mean you're

cutting my rent?



Hell, no!



You're not paying rent because

you don't have a job or any money.



You're out of school and you live

in this house, you pay rent.



# I wanna stay home #



# I wanna stay home

right here #



# I wanna stay home

today #



Jim! Yo, Jim!



Jim, wake up!



Hey, get up!



Get u-u-up!



# When my day begins ##



You know, getting this job,



restoring your faith and pride in me

is a number-  priority.



Priority ought to be making

something of yourself.



That's right up there.



When I was your age, I couldn't wait

to get out of my folks' house.



I love living at home.



I don't think this is such

a great place for me to work.






say I don't get this job,




Are you gonna be upset?



You don't get this job,

you're on a bus to St. Louis.



St. Louis?



Uncle Jeff's offered you

work in his garden shop.



I don't know anything

about gardening.



You will learn!



I'm getting a feeling that

you want me out of your life.



I don't want you out of my life,

I want you out of my house.



- Wow.

- Out!



Okay, okay, okay.



- Sure I can't offer you a bear claw?

- No, thanks.



- They're good, fresh.

- No, I'm fine.



You don't want one,

and I don't need one.



- Right!

- I love the darn things, though.



I could eat those by the dozen.

By the looks of it, I have.






I'm so excited that

you're considering...



joining the Target team.

We all are.



I appreciate that.



Good. Then let's cut

right to the chase.



We're prepared

to offer you $      a year...



with a full benefit package.



That's dental, medical,



profit sharing, pensión,



expense account, car allowance,



vacation, of course,



and any and all

relocating expenses.



This is our first, best,

and last offer. What do you think?



Well... um, C. D...



with all due respect,



I came in here...



with the number forty-five

in mind, and...






You've got me.



Forty-five it is.



- Welcome aboard.

- Thank you.



- I'd like to buy you lunch.

- No, no, no.



Your money's no good here.

Lunch is mine.



- I'm not going to argue.

- Better not. I'm bigger than you.



Hang on a second.

I told her to hold my calls.



Yeah, Peg. Uh-huh.



No, it's okay.



- He's right here with me now.

- Hi, Peg.



We just closed the deal.




It was a slam-dunk, too.

I got him for forty-five.



No, he's right here.



What do you mean

he missed the plane?



Then who the hell

am I talking to?






I'll, uh...

I'll get back to you.



I know a great,

little Italian place...



that has the best pasta

primatonis in the wor...



Excuse me a minute,

will you please?



- Lovely wife you have there.

- Dodge, James?






James, I'm afraid we have

a little misunderstanding.



You see, I thought

you came in for the, uh...



operations manager's job.



I have you down here

as night cleanup boy.



Well, I'm a little overpaid...



for night cleanup boy,

wouldn't you say?



The truth is, James,

I can offer you $ .   per hour.



Uh, four, four...

$ .  ...



- $ .  .

- What about the benefits?



Two fifteen-minute breaks

and a half hour for lunch.



And the title is, uh,

night... cleanup boy.






I'll take it.



Oh, and, uh...

Iose the curl.



- Welcome to the Target team.

- Thank you.



So the parrot says,

"Of course I can talk."



Can you fly?



I don't want any damn Japanese

automobile plant in this town.



It... it means jobs.



I don't need a job.



Your governor's tryin' to use

my town as a political chip.



I resent that.



There could be some specific

benefits for you personally.






- Yeah?

- Come here.



Meet these gentlemen

from the governor's office.



Come on in here, honey.



Honey, I want

you to meet Bill, uh...



Uh, Bob. Bob Bosenbeck.









My pleasure, Dave.



Right. Dave Hockner.



I don't want to interrupt.



Very nice to meet both of you.















You pull another stunt

like you did today,



I'll beat the livin'

daylights outta you!



All right, out!



Out of the vehicle, ma'am.

Get out of here!



Get out of the car!



Right on time!



Everything's going as planned.



You ordered a limousine?



Of course.



My first day of work.



How's it gonna look

if my dad drives me?



A little treat

for getting the job.



It was only fifty bucks.



- Right on time, Henry.

- Yes, sir.



Henry, the sign... very wrong.






Hey, Jim, where you going?



Hello, boys.



Going to Paris on an F-  .



Got a peace meeting with the

vice president of Bulgaria.



Business, you know?

Then I'm going to Venice,



for a spaghetti dinner

with the princess of Austria.



A beautiful lady...

really big bones.



Remember to brush

your teeth, Melvin!



You, too, Sidney!




Jim is so cool!






Got a loose tile here.

In the morning...



take care of it.



I don't need a lawsuit, okay?



I've got enough to worry about.



Who's he?



Attention, shoppers.



The store will be closing

in five minutes.



Bring all your purchases

to the front.



- Are you a slacker?

- No, uh, Presbyterian.



What did you say?

What did you say?



I'm askin' you

a simple question.



- Are you lazy?

- No, sir.



The last guy that wore that uniform was

a lazy slacker, and I fired his butt.



Uh, about the uniform,

will I be getting my own?



You work out, which I doubt,

you can have a new name patch.



Would I be able to have it laundered?

It smells a little like Darnell.



I don't think you know

who you're messin' with.



After you clean the

ladies' and mens' crappers...



and you'd better be able

to eat off those bowls...



you clean my coffee maker,

then wax my desk.



Uh, clean what?



- Clean my coffee maker and wax my desk!

- I got it!



Sweep the aisles,

startin' with health and beauty.



Work your way over to

juniors and misses.



Ups and downs, leaving your

debris in the cross aisles.



So, I start with

health and beauty...



I just said to start

with health and beauty!



Then you do

your cross aisles.



That'll bring your

dust bin into play.



Take the debris.

Load it into the dustbin.



Take the dustbin out

to the loading dock...



and empty it into

the receptacle.



- Got that? Easy as pie.

- Yeah.



I was employed briefly

at Del Taco, and...



I don't care about your

Del Taco experience.



We've got this problem

in this store with grazers.



- You know what a grazer is?

- Is that a farm term?



It's a customer or employee

that eats off the shelves,



similar to a cow grazing

in a field of grass.



Only this isn't a field of grass,

and you're not a cow.



There's no eatin'.

You're not being paid to eat, so don't!



- Any questions?

- Not right off hand.



- Think you can handle it?

- I'll give it the old college try.



Don't touch me!



Well, despite our

age difference,



I think I'll enjoy

working with you.



Let's get something straight.

You ain't workin' with me.



You're working for me.



- Still, it'll be fun being around you.

- I ain't gonna be near you.



I'm gonna be home pumping the pasties

out of Colleen Jackson.



- You're not going to be here?

- Hell, no.



I'm gonna be here

by myself?



That's right. And you'd better

stay out of the ladies' undergoods.



Wait a minute!

Nobody told me I'd be here alone.



- What are you doing?

- Saving money.



Wait! Are you

turning off the lights?



In    seconds, you got

light in every third aisle.



When the sun comes up,

turn off all the lights.



I don't understand.

Hold on!



I don't understand.

Hold on!



I'm locking you in.



When I come back at  :  

to open up,



I'll let you out.



- You're locking me in?

- What do you take me for, a fool?



Nobody gets keys on their

first night. Nobody!



Get to work!



- What if there's a fire?

- The fire department will come.



- I could perish!

- Ha-ha-ha. Boo!



You can't do this.

I'm locked in, alone, in the dark.



That was not a part

of my employment agreement.



# You got to wash with

the crocodile in the river #



# You got to swim

with the sharks in the sea #



# You got to live with

the crooked politician #



# Trust those things

that you can never see #



# Ay yeah, yeah

Ay yeah, yeah #



# Ay yeah, yeah

Ay yeah, yeah #






# It's a cruel, crazy

beautiful worid #



# Every day you wake up

I hope it's a blue, blue sky #



# It's a cruel, crazy

beautiful worid #



# One day

when you wake up #



# I will have to

say good-bye #



# Say good-bye #



# It's your worid

so live in it, good-bye #



# It's your worid

so live in it... ##



 :  !



Time for a break.






Anybody out there?



When I accepted...



the post of president,

grand poobah of Target,



realizing that

I had brought...




peace, and happiness...



into the lives of

thousands of people.



Jim Dodge, of Monroe,



top moneymaker on the tour.



His father's here today,

Bud Dodge,



and sister Penny,

a sad, sad story,



was just admitted to

University Hospital.



While trying to pop a zit,

her head mysteriously exploded.



Dad! Hi!



Do you know

what time it is?



I'm starting to think about

Christmas and gifts,



because I'm in a big store

and I'm getting gift ideas.



- Hi.

- Mom, hi!



How's it going?



I finished all

my janitor stuff.



Most of it. I've got

to save some for later.



- It's easy as hell.

- Uh, honey, it's a little late.



It is kind of late.



Sleep tight.



See you in the morning.



Love you, too.



Mr. James Dodge!



He can't be happy as

the night cleanup boy.






he wants us

to call him a janitor.



Maybe I should have spent

less time harping...



and more time helping.



Harpin' and helpin'

him what?



Harpin' on him to leave,

and helpin' him become...



the good, mature,

productive person he could be.



Are you all right?



Yes, I'm fine, thanks.

And you?



What are you doing here?



I work here.



Have a good one, Officer Don.



Okay, Carl. Let me know

if you hear anything.



You bet.



Well, sir,

she didn't leave on the bus.



Let's look for her

someplace else.



She wouldn't be dumb

enough to thumb, would she?



Does she have any friends

she might have run off with?






Just get in the car

so we can look for the girl.



I'm tired,

haven't had any coffee.



My daughter, I don't know

where the hell she is.



And you're sounding like

some goddamn preacher!



Come on, get in the car!






Are you sure you

didn't hurt yourself?



Oh, no.

Are you kidding?



No, I'm fine.

I'm fine.



Can I ask what

you were doing?



I was roller-skating.



- I know, but why?

- Why not?



I got bored.

One thing led to another...



and I'm roller-skating

in my shorts.



Better question would be,

"What are you doing here?"






We've been closed

for five hours.



Yeah. I fell asleep.



- While shopping?

- No, in the ladies' dressing room.



That makes no sense.

You're a high-profile young ingenue.



I was debating whether or not

to get arrested for shoplifting.



Your father owns $   million

worth of real estate.



- It's not my fault.

- I didn't imply such.



It seems funny

that someone of your...



- Wealth?

- If you will. Would shoplift.



I didn't do it.

I chickened out.



Would consider shoplifting.



It's a long, self-indulgent,

highly unromantic story...



about an overbearing father,



deceased mother and brother,



and a completely confused girl

who looks a little like me.



I sure am glad

you dropped by.



I was getting tired

of being with myself.



I guess... I'm what you

call a people person.



- What are you cooking?

- Hobo chicken.



It's a glazed chicken

in wine sauce...



with vegetables

and skin-on potatoes.



Silverware, silverware.



It's only     calories.



I don't know if you're watching

your figure, but I sure am.



If you can grab a serving spoon,

I think we'll be set.



Keep your distance

from these things.



I think it's safe

to keep five feet.



I think they're about done.



Dining room's right this way.






I think my father poured

the cement for your pool.



He's a cement contractor.

Good man.



Bud Dodge?



My mother works at

Hoenicker's over Christmas.



My sister's a teller

at the bank.



My brother's in grade school.

He's not employed.



I used to work at

the animal shelter,



but I was terminated.

Now I'm working here.



Do you always

talk this much?



I guess I do.



I like talking to people.



- Maybe you should go into sales.

- I've actually tried that.



Some fresh ground pepper?






Some people don't like

a lot of pepper. Say when.



That's fine.



I happen to really

like it a lot.



It enhances the natural

flavor of the chicken.



I hope you don't take

this the wrong way.



I've had dreams about you.



You've had dreams about me?



Not recently.



I've had dreams

about you in the past.



I've had dreams about

entire cheerleading squads,



so don't get me wrong.



- It's kid stuff. How 'bout you?

- Do I dream?



That's about all I do.



Raisin' a kid's hard work.

You got any kids?



No, sir. And from

listening to you,



and from observin' this,



I'm kinda grateful

Emily turned up infertile.



Shouldn't you be

cleaning up the store?



I got plenty of time.



- Big store.

- Huge.



Always smoke cigars?



I enjoy a good one

after a fine meal.



It settles the stomach.



You're the town liar,




- What?

- I'm sorry.



That really came out wrong.



- How could it come out right?

- That's what people call you.



- I didn't mean to imply it's true.

- People call me that?



- I thought you knew.

- That I was the town liar?



- You didn't?

- No. I'm not.



- You have the wrong information.

- I didn't mean to offend you.



- Did you think that was a compliment?

- No. And I apologize.



- I can't repeat things like that.

- Don't think about it.



As I said, you've got

the wrong information.



If people are calling me that,



it's because they're

small, petty and jealous.



Small towns are

notorious for that.



- I'm sure there's a word for me.

- Sure.



- What do they call me?

- A tease.






Yeah, I can see that.



Actually, I never teased.



This is becoming amusing,



- but who exactly calls me a liar?

- Everybody.



- Everybody.

- No, not everybody.



- There's some old people in town.

- Right.



- What do you think?

- What do I think?



Do you think I'm a liar?



I don't know you well enough.



You've known me for    years. We went to

the same schools from kindergarten on.



I knew of you, but I didn't

know you personally.



That's always bothered me.



I mean that old...

in-out, us-them thing.



- That's the way it's been.

- It's always bothered me.



- It's water over the dam now.

- But it's your dam and my water.



I got crapped on

a lot of years.



I meant that it's in the past.



The present

is a result of the past.



I look at my

high school yearbook...



and I don't see

four fabulous years.



I'm reminded of

what it feels like...



to have my underwear

yanked up my ass...



by some big football player.



And where are those guys now?



They're not working nights at Target.

I'll tell you that.



Yeah, You know...



I look at my yearbook...



and I see

four fabulous years...



that are gonna be the

highlight of my life.



Here's what it's like.



First you feel a hand

going down your pants...



and tighten around

the elastic waistband.






- Sometimes I'd actually see stars.

- It's not going to get better.



- Sometimes I'd actually see stars.

- It's not going to get better.



If I was particularly unlucky,



my shorts would rip completely free

and I'd get this really drastic...



Do you hear me?






I don't really care about a graphic

description of a childhood prank.



That prank was a motif in my life.



You know, I'm locked

in this store here...



because I didn't have

the guts to steal a skirt...



so I could get arrested

and embarrass my father...



in this stupid,

desperate, childish,



pathetic attempt to leave home.



You have your underwear

yanked up your ass.



I have my entire life

yanked up my ass!



You were speaking figuratively.

I was speaking literally.



And you're happy.

You're happy.



I'm not happy.



I'm working nights.

Everybody thinks I'm a liar.



My whole family's

laughing at me.



Reverend Harwell gave me

the finger last week.



At least you have

some control over your life.



- So do you.

- My father controls my life.



You're over   .

You can tell him to drop dead.



- So can you.

- I don't want to.



I like living at home.



- No, you don't.

- Am I a garden snail?



An involuntary muscle

in a janitor suit?



I know what I want to do.



What could

you possibly like...



about living at

home at your age?



The meals are great.

I mean, there's cable.



The accommodations

are excellent, five-star.



What do you care if

I'm living at home or not?



Hey, I didn't come here

to irritate you.



Well, you're beginning to.




That's really great.



I gotta stop saying

those kinds of things.



Those freakin' kids!

I knew I couldn't trust 'em.



Town liar.

That's a nice rep.



I bet it was Gregory,

that little weasel.



Top secret, and they still

shoot off their mouths!



If I'd really been

a French spy,



those little tots

would've gotten me killed!



Piano wire wrapped around my neck.

My testicles shoved down my throat.



A piece of dynamite

stuck up my ass!



She's so beautiful.



And I'm the town liar.



# Sha-la-la-la-la

La-la-la #



# Sha-la-la-la-la

La-la-la #



# Sha-la-la-la-la

La-la-la #



# Sha-la-la-la-la

La-la-la #



# Shiny boat through

the open doorway #



# Fell in love

on a summer day #



# You're only young once

but that's all right #



# Because it's just

so good to be alive #



# Take away your troubles

Take them out the door #



# Ohh, nothing on my mind

except my new love #



# Nothing on my mind

except my new love #



# Sha-la-la-la-la

La-la-la #



# Sha-la-la-la-la

La-la-la ##



Jim, there's

no reason to lie right now.



There's no one to impress.



I'm not impressed by a man

telling me he likes living at home.



Excuse me, I'm not lying,



and I'm not trying

to impress you.



So if you'll excuse me,



I have to clean dead flies

out of the lighting fixtures.



Okay, my error.

I apologize.



It's just that I

can't imagine a man...



giving up his independence,

his right to mate,



to have a family,



to build a life for himself,

for good cooking.



Hold on.



I have not given

up my right to mate.



I have the right to mate...



anytime I feel like mating.



You go out with someone.



You bring her home.

You introduce her to...



Mom, Dad, Sis, Billy,



Wolfie the dog.



Cocktails in the rumpus room,

and then do it on the bunk bed?



Let's analyze that remark.



I don't have a dog,



my brother's

not named Billy,



and I don't even

have a rumpus room.



You know what I mean.



Yeah, I know what you mean.



Spit on me,

make me feel lousy.






You said something

that wasn't true.






No, I said that I can

have sex when I want to, and I do.



However, I was

looking forward...



to a nice, quiet evening

of janitoring.



I don't think you see

what I'm getting at.



I see what you're getting at.



I'm a lying monk with an Oedipus complex

and an appetite for home cooking.



Don't forget,

you're the indecisive shoplifter.



Yes! Exactly.



I would do anything

to be in your shoes.



These are Darnell's shoes.



You have freedom,

and you're not using it.



It makes me sad.



You have the wealth of the entire town,

and you're trying to get arrested.



- That makes me sad.

- That makes me sad, too.



- That's pretty stupid.

- It's very stupid.



Are you serious?



I mean, you haven't

been drinking?



This isn't

the bottle talking?






Then why don't you

just talk to the guy?



For the same reason that

you can't leave home,



I can't tell my father

to go to hell.



Why not?



Because I don't

want to be alone.



Mr. McClellan?



You ever have any family problems,

you and your daughter?



What the hell

do you think this is?



You got a point.



Would you go

with me somewhere?



- Where?

- Florida?



Wyoming? Spain?



It doesn't really matter,

just away somewhere.



I'd love to.



I just can't afford to be...



capricious and carefree

like yourself.



I've gotta set my sights on

something, and really go for it.



- Night janitor?

- It's a beginning.



- I-I'm lookin' at...

- It's an end.



Maybe if you had

a destination in mind,



that would make all the

difference in the worid.



- Why?

- Well, uh,



I'm just not built to

aimlessly roam the worid.



I'm too conservative for that.



Well, I was thinking

about Los Ángeles.



Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.



- What for?

- Live, work.



- At what?

- Whatever.



And what about

your father?



When I don't die,



he'll realize I can

make it on my own.



If I do, he'll have the satisfaction

of knowing that I can't.



If he brings me back,

or if I go back on my own,



he's just gonna beat

the shit out of me.



- So it doesn't make a difference.

- Literally?






- Sad.

- Yeah, it's sad.



Until he throws you across

the room, it's sad.



I'm afraid to live with him,

and I'm afraid to live without...



You didn't come to work

to hear this stuff. I'm really sorry.



I'm gonna clean this up.



I'm just surprised.



I thought everything

was okay, you know.



I figured you got a nice car,

a nice house, some money.



- Everything's okay.

- It should be, but it's not.



It's twisted

and it's distorted,



and it can't be changed

and it cannot be saved.



I'll go with you.









We have to get a car.



Let's get through

the night, first.



- I have money.

- How much?



Fifty-two thousand dollars.



On you?



In my purse.



Fifty-two thousand dollars.




I've never seen

so much money in my life.



This is more than

my house cost.



Jim, now that I'm

spending the night,



how can I pay you back...



for being so cold

to you in high school?



Do you need an

answer right away?



No. Sometime before

the sun comes up.



Well, uh,



you're probably not

going to remember this,



but, uh,



there was a homecoming dance

our sophomore year.



- Mm-hmm.

- Do you remember Mrs. Noble?



Large, hairy gym teacher with

suspiciously cumbersome groin bulge?



I had her for two years.



She made everybody

switch partners...



because the fat giris

were dancing together,



and the doinks, myself included, were

against the wall blowing spit bubbles.






Well, for three-quarters...



of one verse of a slow song,



we danced together.



You reeked of Stri-Dex.



Oh, no, that was Larry Fry.



I'm sorry.



I don't remember.



- You got your hair caught in my braces.

- I don't remember.



Well, it's not important.



I had...

Well, I had just always...



dreamed of finishing that dance.






Don't feel you have

to answer right away.



It's just a small portion

of my life that's incomplete.



I thought you were gonna

say something different.






first things first.



# When things go wrong #



# As they sometimes will #



# When the road you're trodding

seems all uphill #



# When the funds are low #



# And the debts are high #



# And you wanna smile

but you have to sigh #



# When care is pressing

you down a bit #



# Rest if you must #



# But don't you quit #



# Oh no #



# Don't you quit #



# Oh no #



# But you never can tell #



# How close you are #



# It may be near

when it seems so far #



# Ooo ooo ##



You're ticklish there?









Officer Don!



You scared the crap out of me.

I thought it was the custodian.



What are you doing?



I work here now.



You wanna let me in?



I'd love to.

I don't have the keys.



I'm locked in 'til   a.m.



- What's going on?

- Have you seen Josie McClellan?



Of course.



Uh, dark hair,

green eyes, beautiful.



Oh, yeah. Of course.



- You seen her recently?

- Oh!



Ah... I just

saw her yesterday.



We had a cup

of java together.



She come into the store?



I don't know.

I only work nights.



- Why?

- Well... she's missing.



I was looking this side

of town for her and I come past.



I seen that

the outside sign's on.



- The outside sign's never on.

- Oh, yeah.



Did you try the library?

Maybe she fell asleep reading.






She's probably screwing somebody...



the old man don't approve of.



Would you know if the custodian

comes by to check up on people?



I wouldn't think

he'd do that, Jimmy.



I feel pretty good now.



I'm sorry, sir.



I had to practice

a little therapy.



Boy's in his own worid.



# Can't believe

you've left me #



# So know that

you've upset me #



# You just want

to forget me #



# Why don't you

come and get me #



# And, boy

I really miss you #



# And all I wanna do

is kiss you #



# I've used up

all my tissues #



# 'Cause it's more serious

some issues #



# I don't even know

the reason #



# You were playin'

and you were teasin' #



# Didn't tell me

you were leavin' #



# Those good looks

are deceivin' #



# Where are you, baby

We used to have so much fun #



# You drive me crazy #



# Somebody tell me

where he's gone #



# Where are you, baby

We used to have so much fun #



# You drive me crazy #



# You peep in

through the window #



# This is too much

for me to handle #



# Already caused a scandal

a disturbance like a vandal #



# I've lost track

of all time #



# 'Cause you're always

on my mind #



# You're just that type of guy

that'll make me cry #



# Oh why, oh why, oh why

Oh why has he disappeared #



# This feeling

is really weird #



# You're reckless and you're dear

Can you feel when I drop these tears #



# Where are you, baby

We used to have so much fun #



# You drive me crazy #



# Somebody tell me

where he's gone #



# Where are you, baby

We used to have so much fun #



# You drive me crazy #



# Where are you, baby

We used to have so much fun ##






Why don't we get

underneath the bench?



Do you want to get on top?



You check the office.

I'll scope the dressing rooms.






You're on top.



- Did you want to be on top?

- Oh, no.



I'm fine where I am.






Ow, ow, ow.



I think he went

to the back.












Hey, you got a tattoo?



No, sir.



- Not you, asshole!

- I'm a missing person.



The whole town

is looking for me.



- You hidin' out?

- Yes.



I'd appreciate it

if you'd let us sit up.



- What about the tattoo?

- I don't have one.



- You owe me a buck.

- Actually, it's up to two.



I borrowed that one

off you at Burger King.



Excuse me!



Are you planning to shoot us

in the back of the head?



We haven't decided yet,

have we?



Who are you?



Ah... you don't

want to know.



Wouldn't have asked if

he didn't want to know!



- He's a little crazy. He's my brother.

- That's not true.



She doesn't even know me.



- Somebody better start

talking straight here.

- That's the truth.






You want to know?






Okay, good. But...



come on over here.



- What?

- Come on over.



Come on over here!



Over here.



Come on down here.



That's right.

Down here!






You dumb sons of bitches!



Do you realize

that you have just walked...



straight into a $  -million

drug transaction?



You're running this multi-zillion-dollar

drug transaction by yourself?



- Little Target boy?

- No.



No, I'm not

doing it by myself.



Oh, no, no.



As a matter of fact,



in about    minutes...



this place is gonna

be alive with the meanest,



ugliest, most impatient animals

you guys have ever seen.



I'll give you five minutes

to take...



whatever you want

in the whole store.



I won't tell.

Take your guns and go.



Okay, then,

who's the girl?



- I'm his hostage.

- Yes. Yes. Yes.



Is that true?





Yes, it's true.



And, um...



if the deal doesn't go down,

she becomes pig feed.






Oh, really?



- Well, blow her away.

- That's bullshit!






Then give me your guns

and I'll do it for you.



It's bullshit, right?



We'll see.



Roll over.



- You heard him.

- What?



Roll over!

You too, honey.



You heard me.

Roll over. Do it!



Come on, come on!

Roll! That's it.



- Very good.

- Mmm! Yeah.



Um... give me the guns!



No way, man.







You do it.

I don't need her anymore.



- I only needed her

to get through customs.

- I don't like this.



This sucks.

It's not worth it.



- We don't have time. Do it!

- All right.



It's nothing personal.



- Jim!

- Too late. They're here!



It's too late.

They're here.



Men, hold your fire.



Ned, Tommy,

hold your fire.



There are infrared scopes

trained on your heads.



- We didn't want this!

- It's the girl you want, not us!



Ned, we got a WD-  .

That's right, a full-scale PMS.



Okay, everybody just relax!



Everybody, just relax!

The place is gonna blow.



Just relax.

Now, put down your guns.



They're putting down the guns.

Are you putting them down?



Get down 'cause

lives are at stake.



Let go. Now get back.



Get back. Spread 'em.

Spread the legs. Put down the dogs.



Okay, put the dogs down.



Both of 'em!



Put the dogs down!




- That was great!

- I got a surprise for you guys.



We have a bit

of a surprise for you.



Them guns aren't loaded.



I got an idea.

How about a truce?



I'm full of shit.

You're full of shit.



Everybody at one time

is full of shit.



I'll throw on some corn dogs

and we'll get to know each other.



I'd like to know what

goes on inside your heads.



- Okay, you had the big one...

- No.



Sorry. I could've sworn

you had the big one.






I lied.



These are the men that

killed that guy in Saltburg.



I'm fairly sure

that we're gonna die.



I'm disappointed we're not

going to California together.



We're not dead yet.



Pretty darn close.



If I can get them

to take me with them,



maybe I can get away

and come back for you.



We need a car and

they obviously have one.






- go along with whatever I do.

- Okay.



So, what's the word

on you two?



Are you married?




you're hack crooks if you can't

pull off a discount store job.



What were you planning

to steal? Hair spray?






Lady, you got a job?






Then don't knock ours.



Crime isn't a job.

It's a sickness.



Whoops. Anyone

have some change?



You look like a lady

in need of a quarter.



I might need more

than just a quarter.



- You know...

- No.



You and I could make

a lot of money.



Honey, me and Nestor are partners.



- We don't need a third.

- You don't know, so shut up.



Hop on.




Let's go now.



Know what you are?






You are one good-looking

ball of trouble.






# Ya-ya-ya-ya

Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya #



# Ya-ya-ya-ya

Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya #



# Go #



What do you think,

for the car?



- This one?

- The whole thing. We'll lay it in back.



We got multi-cassette




Think of the sound!



# Ya-ya-ya-ya

Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya #



# Ya-ya-ya-ya

Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya #



# Ya-ya-ya-ya

Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya #



# Ya-ya-ya-ya

Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya #



# Ya-ya-ya-ya

Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya #



I'm not helping you

load your car.



Think again, boy.



You're not taking the

stolen merchandise out.



- I'm not gonna let you.

- Get out.



It's stolen.

All of it!



- Gimme that!

- No!



- Give it to me!

- It's mine!



But where...



Wait a minute.



- You're not going with them?

- Yeah.



You'll be an accessory.



- So?

- You don't know anything about them.



You certainly don't know

anything about him!



These are hardened

criminals here!



That's enough!



Don't waste your time.

You could get a hernia.



If my foot could talk,



it'd say, "May I please

go up this geek's ass?"



- Forget him!

- All right.



He's no use to us.

He's built like an oyster.






If you tell on us,



I'll kill you.









Don't be an ass.



Okay, Jimbo?



Let's go, shall we?






C'mon, come on!



You got it?



I got 'em, I got 'em.



That wasn't a store robbery.



That was an assassination.



That wasn't a clerk.

That was a wise guy.



How do I know?

I spent a little time...



with the FBI's

organized crime unit.



I'm intimately knowledgeable

with the seedy...



workings of the Mob in the

midwest section of this country.



I know a gangland slaying

when I see one,



and that's exactly

what this baby is.



I'd look into it

myself personally,



but I got a date tonight.



Attention, Target shoppers.






He is so cool!



# Got my ray-bans on

every day and night #



# Got a one-track mind

that I wanna hide #



# Got an easy job

that I try to keep #



# Got a bunch of giris

and I got 'em cheap #



# Got a million things

that I wanna do #



# But I waste my time

hangin' out with you #



# It's not because

I'm really easy to please #



# It's not the way you

bring me down on my knees #



# It's just a feeling

but it keeps coming back #



# It's a tiny little

heart attack #



# Got a big guitar

lookin' dynamite #



# Got a Thunderbird

that I drive all night #



# Got a shoeshine boy

working overtime #



# Gotta grow up soon

but I never mind #



# Got a big fat guy

takin' all the blame #



# For the chairs I break

when you call my name #



# It's not because

I'm really easy to please #



# It's not the way you

bring me down on my knees #



# It's just a feeling

but it keeps coming back #



# It's a tiny little

heart attack #



# Just a tiny little

heart attack #



# Got a snakeskin suit

that I really like #



# Lookin' like the devil

on a Friday night #



# Got a shark outside

in the swimming pool #



# But there won't be trouble

if you're stayin' cool #



# Got my mind made up

that I'm leavin' you #



# But it won't be easy

No, it won't be true #



# Got a snakeskin suit

that I really like #



# Lookin' like the devil

on a Friday night #



# Got a shark outside

in the swimming pool #



# But there won't be trouble

if you're stayin' cool #



# Got my mind made up

that I'm leavin' you #



# But it won't be easy

No, it won't be true #



# I'll never make it

through a Saturday night #



# I'll never make

another move in the lights #



# 'Cause if I see you and

you're lookin' like that #



# I'll get a tiny little

heart attack #



# It's not because

I'm really easy to please #



# It's not the way you

bring me down on my knees #



# It's just a feeling

but it keeps coming back #



# It's a tiny little

heart attack #



# Give me a tiny little

heart attack #



# Give me a tiny little

heart attack #



# I want a tiny little

heart attack #



# Give me a tiny little

heart attack #



# I want a tiny little

heart attack ##


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