Catch 22 Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Catch 22 script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Mike Nichols movie based on the Joseph Heller novel.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Catch 22. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Catch 22 Script





What about the others?

I' d be playing a dirty trick on them.



They'll be happier when you're gone.



They have a war to win.



Well, what the hell.



If they don't want any more missions,

let them stand up and say so.



- Precisely.

- Exactly.



Help! Help!



Help him!



- What?

- Help him! Help him!



- Help who?

- Help the bombardier!



- I'm the bombardier, I'm all right.

- Then help him. Help him!



- Snowden.

- What' d he say?



- He said, "Snowden".

- Snowden's dead.



- Why is he talking to a dead man?

- He's Captain Yossarian. He's crazy.



- Who says so?

- I do.



- Cos I hate that son of a bitch?

- Who?



- Colonel Cathcart.

- I didn't ask you, Orr.



- Colonel Cathcart isn't here.

- Who said anything about him?



- Colonel Korn isn't here.

- Who said anything about him?



- What son of a bitch do you hate?

- What son of a bitch is here?



- You don't make any sense.

- You've got a persecution complex.



- Damn right.

- You admit it!



I admit I'm being persecuted.

By them!



- Who specifically is "them"?

- All of them! Who do you think?



- No idea!

- Then how do you know they aren't?



- That's sheer what-do-you-call-it.

- Sophistry.



Like hell it is.

They're trying to kill me!



No one's trying to kill you.

Eat your dessert like a good boy.



- Then why are they shooting at me?

- They're shooting at everyone.



- What difference does that make?

- Suppose everyone thought like you?



- I' d be a fool to think different.

- You need your head examined.



There's nothing wrong with it.



- Look at it once, will you?

- Yossarian, your head is OK.



Please, don't do that.



- Doc?

- What?



- I want you to ground me.

- Don't start that again.



Doc, I don't want to fly any more.

It's dangerous.



Listen, I told you...

Let's get out of here.



I've flown    missions. Now that nut

has raised the number to   .



In any other outfit I would've been

rotated after   . Help me out.



I'm due for rotation myself

in a couple of months,



if I don't cause trouble

or break any rules.



One of the rules says I can't ground

anyone just because he asks me to.



Can you ground someone who 's crazy?



Of course. The rules say

I have to ground anyone who 's crazy.



I'm crazy! Ask anybody.

Ask Nately, Dobbs, McWatt...



- Orr, tell him!

- Tell him what?



- Am I crazy?

- He's crazy. He won't fly with me.



I' d take good care of him

but he won't. He's crazy, all right.



- See that? They all say I'm crazy.

- They're crazy.



- Ground them.

- Why don't they ask me to?



- Because they're crazy!

- Of course they're crazy.



You can't let crazy people decide

whether you're crazy or not.



- Is Orr crazy?

- Of course he is.



He has to be, if he keeps flying

after all those close calls.



- Then why not ground him?

- He has to ask me.



- That's all he's gotta do?

- Yes.



- And then you can ground him?

- No. Then I cannot ground him.



- There's a catch.

- A catch?



Sure, Catch-  . Anyone who wants

to get out of combat



isn't really crazy,

so I can't ground him.



Let me see if I got this straight.



In order to be grounded,

I've got to be crazy



and I must be crazy to keep flying.



But if I ask to be grounded,

that means I'm not crazy any more



- and I have to keep flying.

- You've got it! That's Catch-  .



- That's some catch, that Catch-  .

- It's the best there is!



Good afternoon, this is Major Danby,

your Flight Operations Officer,



welcoming you to today's mission.



You've all been briefed

on this morning's run,



so I won't go over it again.



There's no sense naming names, since

the enemy is probably listening,



and there's no reason I can think of



to tell him

where we're going to strike.



That's the stupidest goddamn thing

I ever heard him say.



Weather conditions have improved

tremendously over the mainland,



so you won't have any trouble

seeing the target.



Of course, you mustn't forget,



that means that they will have

no trouble at all seeing you.



Colonel Cathcart would like to say

a few words before take-off.



- And so, without further ado...

- Give me that!



Men, I'm not gonna waste

any more of your time than I have to.



I wish you good luck

on today's mission.



To those of you who won't come back,

I' d like to say



we're gonna do our best to take care

of your wives and/or sweethearts.



And don't forget,

General Dreedle wants to see



a nice tight bombing pattern

on those aerial photographs.



Everyone ready to go?



Colonel Korn, I' d like you

to stay in the control tower.



Stay on top of this. I' d like

to know when my boys make target.



Yes, sir!



What is it, Lieutenant Minderbinder?



- An egg, sir.

- I know that, Lieutenant.



- A fresh egg, sir.

- Where did you get the egg?



In Malta, sir, where there are

enough chickens to lay fresh eggs



for every officer in the squadron,



at five cents apiece

from the mess fund.



With a clear profit

of two cents per egg.



For whom?



For whomever sells the eggs

to the mess.



And who may that be, Milo?



- Oranges from Marrakech, pecans...

- Pecans?



And in Palermo, ten thousand gallons

of the finest ltalian olive oil.



The Sicilians need blankets.

It would be a fair trade.



There's an interested party

in Sardinia.



All we need is the cooperation

of the countries we're dealing with.



- What countries?

- The African nations, sir,



in the Greater Mediterranean area.



What we need is an additional

assignment of personnel,



a little time and a plane.



- What plane?

- One of ours, sir. If I had one,



I could get the gasoline to Malta

and bring the eggs back.



All right.



And if I was taken off combat duty

until I get this into operation...






I know I'm just

an acting mess officer, Colonel,



but it requires my full attention.

It's to everyone's benefit.



- Take whatever you need.

- Thank you.



What I hope to do is to give the men

the finest cuisine in the world.



- Isn't that something to shoot at?

- Yes, Milo, it certainly is.



With your permission, I' d like to

show you something I've had printed.



- What is it?

- Just an idea, sir. It's a share.



- A share?

- In M&M Enterprises.



If we get my ideas into practice,

it should be organised like a mart.



- A mart?

- A syndicate.



An enterprise. There are tremendous

profits to be made, Colonel.



- For us?

- For everyone.



What's good for M&M Enterprises

will be good for the country.



- You'll have our full cooperation.

- Thank you.



If I take a plane this afternoon,

I'll get this material to Alexandria.



There's a huge cotton crop this year.



- Cotton is a very liquid commodity.

- How much?



- We'll trade for it.

- With what?



Silk! Four thousand yards of silk.



How did you get hold of

so much silk?



Where the hell's my parachute?



All right, which one of you bastards

stole my parachute?



Hello, this is the bombardier here.

We gotta turn back.



Nately, we gotta turn back now.



Nately! Do you hear me up there?



We gotta turn back.

We're gonna turn back now.



Nately, let's turn back.

We're gonna turn back!



- What is it this time, Yossarian?

- Some bastard stole my chute!



- Anything the matter?

- My parachute. It's gone!



- Don't worry.

- What do you mean?



What do I do if I have to bail out?

Use my handkerchief?



That kind of humour in the face

of adversity keeps America strong.



I like you.



Aardvark, I' d like to kill you,

but I haven't got time.



You could have my chute

but I gave it to Milo.



- You gave it to Milo?

- He's got all the chutes.



He's got a hell of a deal

going for silk in Alexandria.



Maybe I do have time to kill...



- Looks like they've seen us coming.

- They've seen us!



- God, they've seen us!

- Get ready to dump those eggs.



They're shooting at me!

Where are we?



Aardvark, where are we?



- I think we're there.

- We're there?



We're there? We're there!



Get ready to turn!



Four, three...



two, one, drop! Let's go!



Turn right hard! Turn, turn!



Turn, you son of a bitch! Turn right!



- Turn, turn right!

- Look at that.



I think we got ' em this time,

where it hurts. I can't hear you.



- Get back in the ship!

- What's that?



Climb, you bastard! Climb!



- Fire! Fire on board!

- Where's the fire?



- Get out of the nose!

- I'm not in the nose.



Speak up. I still can't hear you.



They're trying to kill us.

Get out of here!



- Which way should I go?

- Turn left, you son of a bitch!



Look, there goes Orr.



That stupid little bastard. Pull out!



I think you've caught

a little something there.



Is it my leg?



Is that my leg?



- What's with my leg?

- Take it easy.



My leg!



Yossarian's caught one.



- What's that? I don't get you.

- Help him!



- What?

- Help him! Help him!



- Help who?

- Help the bombardier!



- I'm the bombardier, I'm all right.

- Then help him. Help him!






- What's his name, the new gunner?

- Snowden.



- I'm cold.

- OK. You're gonna be OK.



I'm cold. I'm cold.



Over here! Hurry up!



- What?

- I asked how you were feeling.



Better, thank you. What about you?



- Me? Fairly well, thank you.

- You're welcome.



Ex cept for a slight head cold.



Had it for about a week.

Can't seem to shake it.



You know what they're like.



No, I don't.



I've never really had a head cold.

I've tried but...



- Can't seem to be able to get one.

- You're very lucky.



Yes, I suppose I am.



Ex cept for this piece of shrapnel

I caught in my leg.



I've never caught

a piece of shrapnel.



- You're a chaplain!

- Yes. Didn't you know that?



No, I didn't. I've never

really seen a chaplain before.



I had no idea chaplains

looked like that.



Well, if I can do anything

to help you, anything at all, you...






Like books, or cigarettes.






No, I have everything I need,

thank you very much.



- You could do one thing for me.

- What?



- You could speak to Major Duluth.

- The Squadron Commander?



Tell him

I don't want to fly any more.



Cathcart raised the number of

missions! He's trying to kill us all!



- I can't do it, I'm desperate!

- It's not my business...



- I'm desperate!

- I'll see what I can do. I will.



I'm gonna do my best.



It takes me    minutes

to do this thing.



First I sauté the chicken parts,



then I put the raisins

and the onions in.



He yelled.



I'm awfully sorry, sir.



- What's your name?

- Major, sir.



Not your rank, I asked your name.



No, sir. I'm a captain.

My name is Major. Captain Major.



About as clear as mud, isn't it?



That's what it's just about

as clear as.



Listen, Captain. You know

Major Duluth, the Squadron Commander?



- He's a fine man, sir.

- Was. Major Duluth is dead.



I'm distraught to hear that.



You may be distraught but he's dead.

Shot down over Perugia today.



That'll teach him to go on missions

when he should be in the office.



- I don't see...

- We need a new squadron commander.



And you're the only major available

on our headquarters staff.



No, Major is my name, not my rank.



That's close enough for me, Major.

Consider yourself a major.



I don't know anything

about being a commander.



We all have

to make sacrifices, Major.



Sir, I'm in Billeting and Laundry!



I know that, sir, but we all

have to do our part, I guess.



Well, I don't like my part.



Sergeant, I'm going to take

the rest of the afternoon off,



and lie down in my tent

and think about things.



Sir, there's someone

waiting to see you.



- Now?

- Yes, sir.



- Who is it?

- Captain Tappman, Group Chaplain.



What does he want?



Something to do with

Captain Yossarian.



Look, Sergeant...



My job is tough enough



without having to deal all the time

with people who want something.



- Do I make myself clear?

- Yes, sir.



I suppose you're wondering

about this.



No, sir.

It's not my place to wonder.



- Did you know people stare at me?

- No, sir.



They're thinking,

"Who is that Major Major,



"that he gets to be commander

without ever having flown?"



- I don't think people think that.

- Well, they are.



When I have this on,

they don't know who I am.



Did you know, in the Middle Ages,

princes and kings



would put on disguises

and walk around their subjects?



- I didn't know that.

- You don't know everything.



- No, sir. Why did they do that?

- Why did who do what?



Why did they walk around in disguise?



How the hell am I supposed to know?

I'm not some historian or anything.



I'm just a guy trying to do his job.

Good afternoon, Sergeant.



- What is it now?

- What do I do with the Chaplain?



I don't want anyone to come

and see me while I'm in my office.



What do I say to people

who want to see you?



- Tell them to wait.

- For how long?



- Until I've left.

- Then what?



- I don't care.

- I send them in after you've left?



You won't be here, then, will you?



Also, I don't want you coming in

while I'm in,



asking me

if there's anything you can do.



When should I ask

if there's anything I can do?



When I'm not there!



- What do I do then?

- Whatever has to be done.



I'm sorry to have to talk

to you this way, but I have to.



- Goodbye.

- Goodbye, sir.



- Thank you, for everything.

- Thank you, sir.



- The Major will see you now, Father.

- Thank you.



- You don't have to call me Father.

- Sergeant Towser speaking.



Will you go in?



Yes, sir. I have it here, sir.



- There's no one here.

- Where?



In Major Major's office.



- When?

- When you go to see him.



What I mean is you can't see him

when he's there,



when he's in his office.

I've tried. Several times.



When can you see him? Ever?



Yes, indeed, you can see him,

when he isn't there.



That is, he'll see you, all right,



but only in his office,

and only when he's not there.



The other times, when he's in...



he's not there



to be seen.



Ex cept when he's out.



What the hell

are you talking about, Father?



Get your ass in here, Padre.



Are you describing

some mystical experience?



There are some peculiar things




You haven't had any ecstatic visions,

have you?



Didn't see a burning bush,

hear voices, anything like that?



- Nothing as extraordinary as that.

- I hope not.



We have to keep our supernatural

episodes down to a minimum.



- We have a war to win.

- Absolutely, sir.



- May I ask where we're going?

- Where we're going?



You are going

to Colonel Cathcart's office.



- Now?

- That's the general idea, Padre.



Is there anything wrong?

Have I done anything?



I don't know. Are you and

Captain Yossarian up to something?



- I don't know what you mean.

- Then who does?



- I don't know, sir.

- You don't know much about anything.



- No, sir. Sir?

- What is it?



It's not necessary to call me Father.

I'm an Anabaptist.



Thanks for the correction. Thanks

for setting me straight on that.



- I just thought you' d like to know.

- You're a captain, right?



- I'm a Lieutenant Colonel. Correct?

- Yes, sir, it is.



Then I can call you anything I want,

unless you have some objections.



- Out!

- Thank you, sir.



Sir, do you think now...?



- Morning. Anything I can get you?

- Morning, Lieutenant. What?



- Do you need any supplies?

- No.



Whisky, silk stockings,

building materials, fresh fruit?



The Colonel loves fresh fruit.

What about religious supplies?



I know I can get hold of an entire

shipment of religious relics.



Blessed by the Pope himself.



The stuff includes the bones

of some of your top saints.



- That's very kind of you.

- If you need anything, ask for Milo.



- I was never issued a blanket.

- Anything at all, now!



I think the Colonel wants to see me.



- He does?

- I believe so. I'm...



- Chaplain Tappman.

- You're Chaplain Tappman?



Have a seat. I'll tell the Colonel

you're here, Father.



It's not...



You' d better get some dry things.



I will. As soon as the Colonel

is through with me.



They just picked me up

out of the sea.



- I drifted for almost three days.

- You should report to the hospital.



- You could catch pneumonia.

- Not me.



- This is my fourth time.

- How do you mean?



I've put down in the Mediterranean

once, once in the Adriatic,



then I crash-landed one plane

and I bailed out once.



- You're very lucky.

- That's what some folks say.



Yossarian says they're gonna start

taking it out of my salary.



He's a friend of mine.

Do you know him?



- As a matter of fact...

- Captain Tappman!



- Perhaps you shouldn't fly any more.

- It's good practice.



- Tappman, the Colonel is a busy man.

- Yes, of course.



We don't see much of you

around here lately.



Well, sir, I try to stay out

of the way as much as possible.



- I may make the men uncomfortable.

- Nonsense!



I can't imagine any man not enjoying

the benefits of your presence.



Unless they're atheists.



- Not much chance of that, though.

- I don't know, sir.



- Isn't atheism against the law?

- No.



It isn't?

Then it's un-American, isn't it?



- I'm not sure.

- Well, I am.



If I find any atheists on this base,



you can bet they'll soon

start believing in something.



That's not why

I called you in, Chaplain.



I want you to take a look at this.



Page   .



Don't read the whole thing. You can

get the point from the photographs.



There's a full-page picture

of a colonel in England



whose chaplain conducts prayers

before every mission.



I see no reason why

The Saturday Evening Post



should not be interested

in the story of my outfit.



Think up some nice snappy prayers

to send the men out feeling good.



Can you do that?



- I'll try.

- Well, good! Let's get to it!



Is there something else?



Sir, it may be none of my business,



but some of the men are

particularly upset about the fact



that you keep raising the number

of missions they have to fly.



- You're right, Chaplain.

- I am, sir?



That it's none of your business.

And it's none of theirs either.



Their business is to fly missions.



Your business is to think of

some catchy prayers



that'll get me into The Saturday

Evening Post. Good afternoon!



- Ex cuse me.

- Ex cuse me, Padre.



He says the men are upset because I

keep raising the number of missions.



It's that Captain Yossarian. He's

always bitching and making trouble.



- What can we do about it?

- What would General Dreedle do?



- He' d crush him.

- Tear him apart!



- Smack him in the face!

- Jab him in the kidneys!



Kick him in the balls!



Keep your head down

between your legs.



Try to breathe deeply and evenly.



I'm sorry, Captain.

I know how that must feel.



- I don't think so.

- Try not to talk.



Just think about nice things.

Think about how lovely it is here,



how lovely it would be if someone

didn't always try to spoil it.



- Why do you always try to spoil it?

- Because I love you.



I know that, Captain. I know that.



But this is wartime.

We've got a job to do, Soldier.



We just can't give in to ourselves.

Think how it is for me.



One of a handful of women

on an island with thousands of men.



Men who are giving up their lives

for our country, for me.



Think about... Captain Yossarian!



- What are you doing?

- Listen, I'm gonna die.



What is it?



What's the matter?



The name of the town is Ferrara

and it's right around here.



It's a very pretty town,

on the coast.



- You all right?

- It's her, it's her!



- Who?

- Dreedle's WAC!



If you do your job well, there won't

be anything left of it, anyway.



Intelligence reports indicate you

shouldn't have to worry about flak.



We were hoping for some

new recon photos of the area.



Unfortunately they haven't arrived

but then, no news is good news.



You may ask how come we're out

to destroy a town with no industry,



no enemy bases,

no strategic value to anyone.



As you were. Good morning, gentlemen.



We're honoured to have General

Dreedle at today's briefing.



Don't pay any attention to me.

Just carry on.



- Don't pay any attention to Dad.

- Will you clam up?



Don't call me Dad.



- Go ahead with your briefing, Major.

- Yes, well... Thank you, sir.



I was just telling

the men here that...



- Don't tell me. Tell them!

- Tell the men, Danby.



Yes. I was just explaining

why we're going to obliterate...



- What about a chair?

- Sir?



- A chair.

- I beg your pardon, General?



A chair!



Doesn't anyone know what a chair is?!



Can't you see a lady is standing?



A chair for Dad's gir...for the lady!



Carry on.



We're now going to synchronise

our watches.



We've all done this before, so I

don't think we'll have a problem.



If everyone will be kind enough to

look down at his watch, we'll begin.



It is now   :   hours minus   ...






Somebody's gonna get it!



All right, at ease!



There'll be no more moaning

in this outfit.



The next man who moans

is going to be very sorry.



Who is this man?



- Major Danby, sir.

- Danby. D-A-N-B-Y.



- Take him out and shoot him.

- Sir?



- I said take him out and shoot him.

- Take Major Danby out and shoot him.



I think you' d better wait a minute,

Dad. I don't think you can shoot him.



Why the hell can't I? Why not?



You mean I can't shoot

whoever I want to?



- Is that a fact?

- I'm afraid it is, Dad.



You think you're pretty smart,

don't you?



Just because my daughter married you

for God knows what bizarre reason...



No, Dad, it's just...



Let the insubordinate son of a bitch

go, but get him out of here.



- Better do something.

- All right, men. I think we...



owe a vote of thanks to the General

for visiting us and cheering us up.



In his honour, I' d like to make an

announcement which may interest you.



I know you're all anxious

to do your part...



Here it comes.



As of now,

the number of missions required



before you are eligible for rotation

is raised to   .



I know we'll all do our best.



Why are you smiling,

you silly bastard?



- Now I won't have to go home.

- You what?



I can stay.

I don't have to leave her.



- What are you saying?

- I love her.



I do. I really do. I've never felt

like this, not even for my mom.



Men don't fall in love

with girls like that.



Men always fall in love

with girls like that.



One or the other.



I'm gonna take her back

to Long Island with me.



You don't really love her.

You think you love her.



How can you tell the difference



between loving her

and thinking he's in love?



- You have to be objective.

- Who 's objective?



- I am cos I'm not in love with her.

- You mean you think you're not.



- That's right.

- So how can you tell the difference?



- Wait a second...

- Look!



- Look what Aarfy's got.

- Say goodbye, McWatt. Come on!



My dear...

My dear, we had a lovely day.



Did you see what he did?

Make him tell you what he did.



- What' d you do, Aarfy?

- Nothing. Nice girl. Very nice girl.



She wanted us to go home with her.

She was gonna show us a good time.



We had a good time. We saw

the Colosseum and other swell sights.



- Why didn't you take her home?

- I can't take advantage of a kid.



- Old Aarfy's got some principles.

- You've got a diseased mind.



She just wanted to jump

in the sack with somebody.



She's mix ed up.

I gave her a good talking to.



He did!



I straightened her out

and sent her home.



- You crazy bastard!

- You're beneath contempt.



- He's got a dirty mind.

- I don't see it that way.



- They want us to go home with them.

- For how much?



- $  !

- Who 's the little runt?



Nately's whore's kid sister.



I wanna spend some time with my girl.

I'll pay for all of us.



Give her the    bucks

and send the other two away.



She'll be angry with me

for making her work.



She said that if I really loved her,

I' d sleep with the other two.



I swear, you fellas...!



Come on, Yossarian, let's go!



Go on, you go.



- What's wrong?

- What isn't wrong?



- Two more missions and we go home.

- You know what's gonna happen.



No. A whole bunch of replacement

pilots came into Naples yesterday.



- Who says?

- Milo.



He just came from there

with loads of coconuts.



We'll never see those replacements,

or those coconuts.



Cathcart wouldn't dare

raise the number of missions again.



Who 's gonna stop him?



Somebody will.



Come on!



Wait for me!



All right. I want to get this clear.



As I understand it,



we're giving these men medals

for doing a lousy job. Is that right?



That's not quite the situation.



When I want an answer from you I'll

look at you - as seldom as possible.



- I think I can explain it.

- You' d better.



Yesterday's mission was to bomb

a town called Ferrara.



- Why Ferrara?

- What do you mean, "Why Ferrara?"



- Do you know what Ferrara is?

- It's a town on a hill.



- Do you know what's in that town?

- Five minutes to target.



- What's in it?

- Nothing.



Nothing's in it.

No Germans, no munitions,



no railroad crossing,

no harbour, nothing.



- Nothing at all?

- No. Ex cept people. Italian people.



And a monastery.



Yossarian, maybe it's some kind

of strategy thing.



- What the hell are we doing?

- It's not our business to ask.



- Whose business is it?

- Four minutes to target.



- Are you ready to take us in?

- Get ready to dump.



- We're not there yet!

- Get away from there, Aardvark!



Come on, you'll screw up

the whole mission!



- Get ready to turn!

- What are you doing?



- Cut it out, Yossarian!

- Get ready to turn!



A direct hit...on the ocean?



Yes, sir. A marvellous bomb pattern.



We have aerial photographs

if you' d like to see them.



We're decorating men who dropped

   tons of expensive bombs



- on the Mediterranean?

- If you consider the alternative...



The alternative is that we take

the whole crew and shoot ' em.



- Might be a problem there, sir.

- All right, I know.



If we can't shoot the bastards,

we can court-martial them,



see that they rot in some stockade.



We felt that a court-martial

might get unavoidable publicity.



If it got around that we used one

of our missions to bomb the ocean...



You don't have to say

anything more, Colonel.



"For distinguished duty in the face

of overwhelming..." something...



- Odds.

- "..odds,



"this Air Medal is awarded

to Captain JS..."



- McWatt.

- "..McWatt."



Come on, come on.



All right, McWatt.

What are you waiting for, a kiss?



- Get back in there.

- And on the double!



"For meritorious action



"in the face of concentrated

enemy fire, Captain..."



- What's this?

- Come on, dumbo.



Unless I miss my guess, Captain,



you're out of uniform.



What are you looking at?



Get back in the car,

you smirking slut.



Why aren't you wearing clothes,




- I don't want to.

- What do you mean? Why don't you?



I dunno. I just don't want to.



- Why is he naked?

- He's talking to you.



- Why is he naked, Major?

- Why is he naked, Sergeant?



A man was killed in his plane

and bled all over him.



His clothes are in the laundry.



- Where are his other uniforms?

- In the laundry, sir.



- Where is his underwear?

- In the laundry, sir.



- That sounds like a lot of crap.

- It is a lot of crap, sir.



Sir, this man

will be punished severely.



What the hell do I care?



If he wants to receive a medal

without clothes on,



what business is it of yours?



- My sentiments exactly, sir.

- Here's your medal, Captain.



- You're a very weird person.

- Thank you, sir.



- You are giving me this?

- Yes.



- Perché?

- Because you're beautiful,



and because your name is Luciana.

It was my mother's name.



But my real name is Eleonora Rosanna.

I only call myself Luciana.



My mother

only called herself Luciana.



Her real name was Eleonora Rosanna.



- I don't believe you.

- I don't blame you.



What you get this for?



Will you believe me

if I tell the truth?



I was awarded that particular medal

for killing fish.



- You have killed many fish?

- Yes, I am one of the biggest...



I am the most renowned killer of fish

in the US Army Air Force.



I dance with you

but I won't let you sleep with me.



- Who asked you?

- You don't want to sleep with me?



- I don't wanna dance with you.

- You crazy?



- Watch where you put your hands, GI.

- My name is Yossarian.



Watch where you put your hands,







- What's his name, the new gunner?

- Snowden.



- I'm cold.

- OK. You're gonna be OK.



Cold. cold.



- There.

- Starting to hurt me.



Hang on. I'll get you some morphine.



- You prick!

- Hi! What's up?



It's good to see you.

When did you get out of the hospital?



We've got a couple of things

to talk over.



How you feeling? I'm sorry I didn't

visit, but I've been in Naples.



- I wanna know about that parachute.

- What parachute?



The one I use if I need

to jump out of the plane.



That parachute! You have

to remember that your parachute



was just one of    or    parachutes

taken over by the Syndicate.



I don't care about the Syndicate.

I don't want your tomatoes!



They're not my tomatoes, they're the

Syndicate's tomatoes. Our tomatoes.



Just as these are our statues.



In fact, that's where

all the parachutes went.



You traded my parachute for statues?



No, in point of fact. I traded

our diesel engines for the statues.



- I don't have any engines!

- I said " our", not "your".



I got the engines

for two planeloads of lumber,



    pairs of shoes

and the parachutes.



The men aren't gonna be happy

about what you've been doing.



Don't they understand? We're gonna

come out of this war rich.



You're gonna come out rich.

We're gonna come out dead!



- What does he want?

- Who?



Hungry Joe.



- What is the matter?

- I got a feeling.



- I think it is.

- What?



- Come on.

- What is it?



I don't know

but if it's what I think it is...



It's just McWatt.



The bastard's been doing it to me

for months. He's jealous of her.



- Because she likes you better?

- She likes him better.



- Why doesn't she go out with him?

- Because she can't stand him!



- Good old McWatt.

- Why?



He's carrying me on his manifest.



Every time he goes up,

he files my name as a passenger.



I get my flight pay

without having to go up in a plane.



- Look!

- What is he saying?



He's coming back!



- Who was it?

- Hungry Joe.



We'll have to requisition

a new photographer from Group.



Is there anything



I can do?



McWatt's still up there.



- Doc Daneeka's up there, too.

- I'm right here.



Come on down, McWatt.



Probably afraid to come down.

He knows the trouble he's in.



He cut his engine.



Why doesn't Daneeka jump?

He's got a chute.



I'm right here, Sergeant.

I'm not in the plane.



Jump, Doc, jump!



Jump. Jump, Doc...



Please, jump.



Jump. Jump!



Poor Hungry Joe.



- Poor McWatt.

- Poor Doc.



Poor Doc.



I'll need a full report on this,

Captain Yossarian.



I haven't seen you in some time.



Not since...



Snowden's funeral.



- Do you want to say something, sir?

- What?



I just wondered

if you wanted to say anything.



No, I didn't actually know

the young fellow.



It was his first mission.

Did you know him, Danby?



I don't think I ever heard the name.

What was it?



Snowden, I think.



I'll just read something.



Yes, you do that.



- Something wrong?

- No, I just thought I saw something.



- A naked man in a tree?

- Yes, that's it.



That's just Yossarian.



Well, in that case...



"The Lord is my shepherd.



"I shall not want. He maketh me

to lie down in green pastures..."



- I've been looking all over for you.

- You should've looked for me here.



I don't want to butt in, but why

aren't you wearing your uniform?



I don't want to.



I want you to do something for me.

I want to serve this to the men.



Taste it and let me know

what you think.



- What is it?

- Chocolate-covered cotton.



- Are you crazy?

- No good?



- You didn't take the seeds out!

- Is it really that bad?



- It's cotton!

- They've got to learn to like it.



- Why?

- I saw an opportunity



to corner the market in cotton.

I didn't know there' d be a glut.



I've got warehouses full of it

all over Europe.



People eat cotton candy. This is

better, it's made out of real cotton.



- People can't eat cotton!

- They've got to, for the Syndicate.



It will make them sick. Try it

yourself if you don't believe me.



I did, and it made me sick.



Look at that. Looks like a funeral.



They're burying the kid

that got killed in my plane.



- What happened to him?

- He got killed.



- What?

- I said he got killed.



I'm sorry.



- He was your friend?

- Maybe. I don't know.



- He was very old.

- But he was a boy.



He died.

You don't get any older than that.



- Where do you work?

- I'm not a whore.



I didn't say you were.



- I work in big American company.

- Me, too!



- You want to see me again? Why?

- Why not?



You think I'm beautiful?



- I think you're perfect.

- That's not true.



It is true.



See this?



- Jesus, how did you...?

- Air raid.



- Germans?

- Americani.



You do not want me now?



What are you talking about?

I want you now.



- I want you to marry me.

- You crazy.



- Why?

- You can't want to marry me.



- Why not?

- I'm not a virgin.



- So?

- Nobody wants a girl who isn't.



- I do. I wanna marry you.

- Not possible.



- Why not?

- Because you're crazy.



- Why am I crazy?

- Because you want to marry me.



You won't marry me because I'm crazy.

I'm crazy because I wanna marry you?



- You're crazy.

- Why?



Because I love you.



How can you love a girl

who is not a virgin?



Because I can't marry you.



Why you can't marry me?

Because I'm not a virgin?



- No, because you're crazy!

- You're crazy!



- You all crazy!

- Why are we crazy?



Because you don't know

how to stay alive



and that's the secret of life.



But we have a war to win.



But America will lose the war.

Italy will win it.



America's the strongest nation

on earth.



The American fighting man

is the best trained,



the best equipped, the best fed...



Italy, on the other hand, is one

of the weakest nations on earth



and the ltalian fighting man

is hardly equipped at all.



That's why my country is doing so

well while yours is doing so poorly.



That's silly! First ltaly was

occupied by Germans and now by us.



- You call that doing well?

- Of course I do.



The Germans are being driven out

and we are still here.



In a few years, you'll be gone

and we'll still be here.



Italy is a very poor, weak country



yet that is what makes us so strong,



strong enough to survive this war

and still be in existence



long after your country

has been destroyed.



What are you talking about?

America's not going to be destroyed.



- Never?

- Well...



Rome was destroyed.

Greece was destroyed.



Persia was destroyed.

Spain was destroyed.



All great countries are destroyed.

Why not yours?



How much longer do you think

your country will last? Forever?



- Forever is a long time, I guess.

- Very long.



- Please, we're talking.

- We go to bed now?



Would you go put some clothes on?

You're practically naked.



I wish she wouldn't

walk around like that.



It is her business

to walk around like that.



- But it's not nice.

- Of course it's nice.



She's nice to look at.



This life is not nice.

I don't want her to do this.



- When we go to America, Nately?

- When we go to America, Nately?



You will take her to America?

Away from a healthy, active life?



Away from good business

opportunities? Away from her friends?



- Don't you have any principles?

- Of course not.



- No morality?

- I'm a very moral man.



And ltaly is a very moral country.



That's why we will certainly

come out on top again



if we succeed in being defeated.



- You talk like a madman.

- But I live like a sane one.



I was a Fascist

when Mussolini was on top.



Now that he has been deposed,

I am anti-Fascist.



When the Germans were here,

I was fanatically pro-German.



Now I'm fanatically pro-America!



You'll find no more loyal partisan

in all of ltaly than myself.



You're a shameful opportunist!



It's better to die on your feet

than to live on your knees.



You have it backwards.



It's better to live on your feet

than to die on your knees. I know.



- How do you know?

- Because I am     years old.



How old are you?



I'll be    in January.



If you live.



How are ya, how are ya?



We gotta go back.

All the leaves have been cancelled.



Hello, my dear.



You give me a dollar? I pay you back

when we get to America.



Just one... Just one.

One! Gimme that.



Come on, Dobbs.

Milo 's gonna fly us back.



- Why are the leaves cancelled?

- I don't know.



Milo says the base is on

some kind of alert.



Cathcart raised

the number of missions to   .



He's mad because Captain Orr

lost another airplane.



- Where?

- Ditched coming back from Bologna.



- Went down in the Mediterranean.

- Air-Sea Rescue out there?



They picked up everybody but Orr.



Will you fellas stay away

from the airstrip tonight?



- What for?

- Just do as I say.



- Stay in your tents.

- Why?



- There it is.

- What?



Orr's plane!



He'll find his way back.

He always does.



He'll turn up. He'll sneak in

with that rat-toothed giggle.



Aarfy, if anything happens to me,

will you take care of my girl?



- Listen to him, his girl!

- Don't worry.



Nothing's gonna happen to you

that won't happen to the rest of us.



- I'll be through in a minute.

- No, you won't. You always say that,



then I watch you fit some tiny thing

into that masterpiece of junk.



- Then I guess you haven't seen it.

- You guess I haven't seen what?



A little square gasket,

about this big. Have you seen it?



- I'll have to start all over again.

- Please don't do that.



- Why?

- It gives me a terrible pain.



- Why?

- Why what?



Why won't you fly with me?



What's that got to do with the pain

that you and your bolts give me?



It's got everything to do with it.



Are you trying to tell me something?



Just that if you were smart,

you' d fly with me.



- You've cracked up three planes.

- Four. I'm a good pilot.



- I don't want to end up in the sea.

- You' d thank me.



- For drowning me?

- For finishing this stove.



Winter's coming.

You'll have heat, hot water...



You'll be able to boil eggs

and everything.



- Me? Where are you gonna be?

- I dunno. Here and there.



No one wants to fly with you.

You're a one-man disaster area.



- They're crazy.

- I agree with them.



You're crazy.



- Orr?

- He's dead.



- Who 's "he"?

- He's just a kid from my home town.



He just died. They came

from the States to see him.



- Get in the bed, will you?

- What?



His mother, father and brother flew

out here. They know he's dying.



- What do you want me to do?

- Be him.



Just for a few minutes,

then they'll go.



They came      miles

to see you before you die.



- I'm not dying!

- Of course you are. We all are.



They'll know.

They came to see their son.



They'll take what they can get.



One dying boy

is as good as another. Or as bad!



- It won't work.

- These people have come a long way.



I don't want to disappoint them.

I'm sentimental about old people.



- What if they start crying?

- They probably will start crying.



I'll wait outside and if it gets

sticky I'll come in and break it up.



It's not gonna work.



Do this for me

and I'll do something for you.



- Will you ground me?

- I can't.



You can fill out a slip saying I'm

on the verge of a nervous collapse.



Sure I can.



But there's a catch.



- Catch-  .

- Group won't approve my action.



They'll put you back on combat status

and send me to rot in the Pacific.



- My God, here they are.

- Start dying.



Do this for me and I'll send you

to Rome on a five-day R and R.



He looks terrible.



- He's sick, Pa.

- Harvey.



- My name is Yossarian.

- His name is Yossarian, Ma.



Yossarian, don't you recognise me?



I'm your brother John.

Don't you know who I am?



- Sure I do. You're my brother John.

- Pa, he knows me.



Yossarian, look, here's Papa.

Say hello to Papa.



- Hello, Papa.

- Hello, Harvey.



- His name is Yossarian, Pa.

- He looks so bad.



He's very sick.

The doctor says he's gonna die.



Ma, his name is Yossarian.



She doesn't remember things too good.



It's OK. She can call me Harvey

if she wants to.



Don't worry.

Everything's gonna be all right.



I know.



We came from New York. We were

afraid we wouldn't get here in time.



- In time for what?

- To see you before you died.



What difference would it make?



We didn't want you to die

by yourself.



What difference would it make?



He's getting delirious.

He keeps repeating the same thing.



It's not Harvey, it's Yossarian.



What difference does it make?

He's dying.



Listen, kid, it's not bad.



I'm gonna put a tourniquet on it.



There. It's good.

It's a good bandage.






Cold. God.



It's gonna be OK, kid.

We'll be home soon.



Does the leg still hurt?



You in there?



- Is that Orr, you son of a bitch?

- It's me, Nately.



Nately. What's happening?

Jesus, it's  :   in the morning.



It's Dobbs, we've got to stop him.

He's gonna kill the Colonel.




Dobbs is gonna kill Colonel Cathcart?



What's the matter with you?



Nothing. It's the first sane thing

I've ever done.



- They'll get you for murder!

- Old Cathcart's the murderer!



- Come on, gimme the gun!

- Take it easy.



- You just got a few more missions.

- You're crazy!



He'll raise the number again

and you know it!



He'll keep us flying missions

till we're all dead.



What do you care?



You don't wanna go home,

you're in love with that whore.



You're talking about my fiancée.



The fiancée any guy

with ten bucks in his pocket,



who 's happy to risk a dose of disease



for    minutes of phoney moans

on a dirty mattress!



I think I hurt him.



He'll be all right.



Here he comes!



- Gimme the gun!

- No, listen!



If he raises the number again,

I swear I'll help you kill him!



- Really?

- I swear it.



That's very reasonable of you.



- Something's going on.

- What do you mean?



Milo and the Colonel

are up to something.



They've been planning something

up there.



- What's he doing?

- Something. I dunno.



Why didn't they turn their lights on?

What the fuck...!



Yossarian, listen!



- What is this?

- Look!



Jesus Christ!



Run, run!



All right, Number   and  

that was good.



Thank you. What shall I do now?



Bank left and wait for instructions.

All right, Number  .



Be careful not to hit our storehouses

at the end of the field.



Direct hit on the mess hall,

if you please. And Number  ...



Hold on, Number  .



Yossarian, get off the field.



Take cover, Yossarian. You, too,

Dobbs. Right, Number   let ' em go.



Bastards! Get out of here!



Cut that out. Those are our

men you're shooting at. Take cover.



This is

an M&M Enterprises operation.



Number   and   Number   did not get

those supply sheds.



I told you men to come in low.

Let's get right on target this time.



Shoddy work will not do.



What are you doing, Yossarian?

Get off the field!



I'll see you later. You're confined

to the base. I won't forget this.



The Air Force won't forget this.



Don't be ridiculous! What's good

for M&M is good for the Air Force.



- There goes the bomb dump!

- We had to get rid of that cotton.



The Germans

promised to take it off our hands



if we ran this mission for them.



- It's all part of the deal.

- There goes the Officers' Club!



You made a deal

to bomb our own base?



A contract is a contract.

That's what we're fighting for.



Lieutenant Minderbinder speaking.

Will you clear the field, please?



- We will soon begin to strafe.

- Strafe?



- It's all in the contract.

- There goes Headquarters!



- What's that?

- He said, "Nately".



- Nately is dead.

- I know.



- Who 's dead?

- You're not.



You will be if we don't get at

that knife wound.



- What's happening?

- We're operating.



We're gonna take a look inside you.



We're gonna clean you out

and stitch you up.



We've got your pal.



You heard me.



We've got your pal.



Who 's my pal?



- What's he saying?

- Something about his pal.



- Who 's his pal?

- I don't know, maybe it's Nately.



Nately's dead.



I wouldn't go in there.

Looks like something's happened.



I gotta go find Nately's whore.

I gotta tell her he's dead.



Wanna come with me?



Not now. I promised her

some stockings and cigarettes.



For her family. I know them.

First-class people.



- I'll see you later.

- Sure.



Yes, we're going. Up to my room.



You better get off the streets soon.



It's almost curfew,

you don't have a pass.



- What happened?

- Gone. All gone.



- Who?

- All the poor young girls.



All gone. Taken away.



- Who took ' em away?

- The white-hats.



- The white-hats... The MPs?

- Yes, the MPs.



- Where did they take ' em?

- Who knows? All gone.



- Where's the old man?

- Gone.



- Gone where?

- Dead.






He was alive one minute,

then he was dead.



- He can't be.

- Why not?



Where did they take the girls?

Did they arrest them?



I don't know.

They just came in and took them.



They must have had a reason.

They couldn't just drag them away.



No reason.



- What right did they have?

- Catch-  .



What? What did you say?



Catch-  .



How do you know it was Catch-  ?



The girls said,

"Why are you taking us away?"



The men said, "Catch-  ."



The girls said,

"What right do you have?"



The men said, "Catch-  ."



All they kept saying was,

"Catch-   Catch-  ."



What does it mean?



Didn't they show it to you?



- They don't have to show it to us.

- Who says so?



- The law says so.

- What law?



Catch-  .



Milo, I'm gonna kill you,

you murdering son of a bitch!



Don't hurt him. I know how you feel,

but it wasn't my fault.



- Who 's fault was it?

- No one's.



Nately was the victim

of certain economic pressures,



- the laws of supply and demand.

- You unbelievable bastard!



- Do you want me to take you to her?

- Who?



Nately's whore.

Aren't you looking for her?



- Do you know where she is?

- Of course I do.



You're AWOL, Yossarian.

I thought you knew better than that.



- Nately wouldn't be that dumb.

- He's dead.



- It's too bad. He was nice.

- Your boys made a direct hit on him.



But he died a rich man. He had

over    shares in the Syndicate.



- He's dead.

- His family will get it.



- He didn't have one.

- Then his parents get it.



- They don't need it, they're rich.

- Then they'll understand.



Ask for number   .



- I didn't know.

- That I work for Milo?



Everybody works for Milo.



He told me to ask for number   .



Ten dollars, please.



No towel?



- Hello, Yossarian.

- Hi, kid.



- Where's your sister?

- In there.



- You give me a dollar?

- Yeah.



- We go to America soon?

- Sure, kid.



- You make love now?

- No, no. Listen...



- I have to tell you something.

- Nately?



- He's coming?

- No, not exactly.



- We go to America soon?

- Yeah. Listen...



- When we go?

- Listen...



Nately's dead.



It wasn't me!



It's not my fault!



He was my friend, you dumb bitch!



- I only raped her once.

- You killed her.



I had to after I raped her.



She couldn't go round

saying bad things about me.



You dumb bastard, why didn't you get

some girl off the streets?



Not me.

I never paid for it in my life.



- Come on, get back!

- Back up, folks.



Aarfy, are you insane?

They're gonna throw you in jail.



You just killed a girl.

She's lying in the street!



She has no right to be there,

you know. It's after curfew.



Don't you realise what you've done?



You've murdered a human being!

They can hang you!



I don't think they'll do that,

not to good old Aarfy.



They won't care about one girl

when thousands die every day.



They're coming for you.

They're coming to arrest you.



You can't take the life of another

human being and get away with it!



They're coming to get you!



- You're under arrest.

- But I didn't...



You're AWOL.



- We're sending you home.

- What?



I said we're sending you home.



You have been making things terribly

difficult for Colonel Cathcart.



The men are unhappy, morale is

deteriorating. It's all your fault.



It's his,

for raising the number of missions.



- It's your fault for not flying.

- Have you no patriotism?



Wouldn't you give your life for your

country? For Colonel Korn and me?



What have you and Colonel Korn

got to do with my country?



You're a disgrace to your country!

How did you get to be a captain?



- You promoted me.

- That has got nothing to do with it!



Let me. Let me.



Captain, I' d like to appeal to

your better judgment one more time.



There's a mission about to start.

You can get on that plane,



and we'll pretend

that all of this never happened.



Won't it make you feel proud

to know you served in an outfit



that averaged more combat missions

than any other?



Don't you want more unit citations



and oak-leaf clusters

on your Air Medal?



Don't you want to contribute more to

the record by flying more missions?



In that case,

we'll just have to send you home.



Of course, there's one catch.



Yeah? What's that?



We will issue orders

sending you back to the States



and there's one thing

you have to do for us in return.



What would that be?



Like us.



Like you?



Like us.



You'll be surprised how easy it is

once you begin.



You see, we're going to put you

on Easy Street.



- Promote you to Major.

- Give you another medal.



- Send you home a hero.

- You'll have parades in your honour.



You can make speeches,

raise money for war bonds.



- All you have to do is be our pal.

- Say nice things about us.



Tell the folks at home

what a good job we're doing.



Take our offer.



It's either that

or a court-martial for desertion.



What about the others?

I' d be playing a dirty trick on them.



They'll be happier when you're gone.



They won't even think about you.

They have a war to win.



If they don't want to fly

any more missions, let them say so.



- Precisely.

- Exactly.



It's a deal.



Help! Help!



Help him!



- What?

- Help him! Help him!



- Help who?

- Help the bombardier!



- I'm the bombardier, I'm all right.

- Then help him. Help him!



I'm cold.



I'm cold. God.



It's gonna be OK, kid.

We'll be home soon.



- Does the leg still hurt?

- No.



There, there.



There, there.



There, there.



- May we come in?

- Sure.



I see you're all alone.



Well, you're going home.



- I don't know if I am.

- I've got your orders right here.



That parade they're rehearsing

is for you. You're a hero.



You're gonna get a medal for

stopping that Nazi killing Cathcart.



That wasn't a Nazi.

That was Nately's whore.



She tried to kill me

because I told her about Nately.



- But the Colonel said that...

- It's a deal I made with them.



They send me home a hero



and I say wonderful things

about them back in the States.



That's a lousy deal, isn't it?



- Isn't it?

- Well...



Isn't it?



I don't know,

I'm not here to judge you.



What are you here for?



I'm not too sure about that either.



What would you do if you were me?



I don't know. I mean, I'm not you.



Imagine that you are me.



That's hard. Sometimes I even have

trouble imagining that I'm me,



if you know what I mean.



I'm gonna call the deal off.



Let them send me home

cos I've flown over    missions.



Then they' d have

to send home every man.



- That's their problem.

- It's your problem.



- They'll court-martial you.

- Make the best of a bad situation.



- No.

- No what?



I've been lying in this bed

for three weeks thinking about it



and all I know is

I don't want to go to prison



and I can't play Cathcart's game.



- What else can you do?

- I can run away.



You'll desert? How would you

get off the base? That's insane.



That's why

it's the only sensible thing to do.



They'll call you a coward.

It's your country.



I've flown    missions

and I've fought for three years,



now I'll fight for myself.



- Suppose everyone felt that way?

- I' d be a fool to feel different.



What would your friends say?



I haven't got any.

Nately was blown to bits,



McWatt killed himself,



Hungry Joe was chopped in two,

Dobbs disappeared,



Aardvark's a murderer,



Doc Daneeka's a zombie.



They're all gone.



The only friend I had was Snowden

and I didn't even know him.



What about Orr?



- Orr's at the bottom of the sea.

- No, he isn't. Don't you know?



- Know what?

- Orr's in Sweden.






After    weeks at sea, Orr was found

by a trio of Swedish girl scouts.



- A miracle.

- He rowed all the way.



- He rowed?

- In that tiny little raft.



Think of that, all the way to Sweden!



- He'll sit out the rest of the war.

- It's a miracle!



It's no miracle.

He has to have planned it.



- He went to Sweden deliberately?

- It's   or   thousand miles away!



He always said that

crash-landing was good practice.



- Getting shot down in the sea.

- On every mission that he flew!



That is a miracle.




getting shot down in the sea!



He made it?



He made it?



He made it!

That son of a bitch made it!



- Are you crazy? Is he crazy?

- If he made it, so can I!



- We gotta stop him.

- I can do it, Danby!



- They'll catch you!

- I can do it.



- This is insane!

- What about your clothes?



They won't recognise me

out of uniform.



You'll be on the run,

in constant danger of betrayal!



I live that way now.



- For God's sake, hurry up!

- So long, Chaplain.



- How do you feel, Yossarian?

- Fine, ex cept I'm scared to death.



- You'll have to keep on your toes.

- I'll keep on my toes.



- You'll have to jump.

- I'll jump.





Special help by SergeiK