Cats And Dogs Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Cats And Dogs script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Cats And Dogs. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Cats And Dogs Script



            -Morning, Mr. Clark. -Morning, Hunter.

            -Hi, Carolyn. Hey, Scotty. -Morning.

            Scotty, can you get the front door? And don't drop those eggs.

            -Your father needs them for experiments. -Okay, Mom.

            Calm down, Buddy. It's just me.

            Buddy, we're home.

            Calm down, Buddy. It's just me.


            Oh, Buddy.



            My beautiful pie.

            Bad dog!

            Get out, get out, get out! Out, you animal!

            Control here.

            We've got a serious problem.

            My God. Get the best doggone agent you can in there. Go!

            Gentlemen, a few moments ago I received word of the gravest nature.

            The key agent working the Brody case has been catnapped.

            Although he is safe, we must replace him as soon as possible.

            It appears that once again we find ourselves threatened...

   the great cat menace.

            We suspect that a rogue feline is involved in a conspiracy...

            ... to destroy all we dogs have worked so hard to achieve.

            Therefore, in accordance with Plan Delta...

            ... we have assembled an elite team of agents...

            ... trained to replace our catnapped comrade.

            At this moment, replacements are flying in from London.

            One will take his place as the Brodys' pet...

            ...and guard their home from cat invasion.

            I need not remind you that the future of man and dog alike...

            ...depends on the success of this mission.

            Failure is not an option.

            The stakes are high. We have everything to lose.

             One hundred million dogs have placed their destiny...

              ...squarely in our paws.

              -I'll bite your ear. -Get off me!

              -That's my eye you're poking. -Coming through!

              Pardon me. Step aside. Coming through.

              Out of the way. Clear the area.

              -Not again. -What is it this time?

              I don't think this is a good idea.

              I can't believe this guy.

              When I pull this rope. . .

              What is he doing?

              . . .the sack will fall on the pitchfork and send me out the window. . .

              . . .and on the way to freedom, so step back.

              -What is it with you? -Me? What's with you?

              I want adventure. Not wait for someone to take me to some boring house.

              What's wrong with a family that loves you?

              Free food, a warm place to sleep.

              And you could go to the bathroom wherever you want.

              Don't you want to do something exciting?

              Like be a police dog! No?

              Or a Russian space dog! Or sample the great bones of Europe!

              Come on, guys.

              Oh, forget it. See you puppies later.

              Oh, boy, I can't watch.

              This ought to be good.

              World, here I come!

              Look, he's flying.

              No, he's not.

              Back from your adventure so soon, Scooby-Doofus?

              Where am I?

              What's that?

              -Somebody go look. -You go.

              All right! Into the hole!

              Let's go! Top-secret operation! Into the hole!

              Double-time! Into the hole!

              I've seen better hustle on a dashboard Chihuahua. Wag it!

              Howdy. Over here!

              Down, Clucky! That's one angry chicken.

              Front and center, agents!

              Hup, hup, hup! Go! Let's go, ladies!

              Straight line! Ears up! Move it!

              Don't make me muzzle you! Want a chew toy?

              -You wanted excitement? -Sir, yes, sir!

              -You wanted adventure? -Sir, yes, sir!

              If you're chosen by the Brody woman. . .

              . . .you will be briefed on arrival. Are you ready?

              Sir, yes, sir!

              Good luck, men.

              These are the cutest beagles you've ever seen.

              Over here.

              For God's sake, don't forget to wag those tails!

              They sounded perfect from what you said.

              They're so cute.

              They've really changed in size. . .

              . . .and color.

              And breed.

              He is adorable.


              And you're going to come home with me. Yes, you are.

              Not good!

              Honey? I'll be right there.

              Hi, sweetheart.

              I have a surprise for you.

              A new puppy!

              But, Mom, Buddy may still come back.

              I'm sorry, hon. I know that it's been a month.

              But remember how happy we were when we found Buddy?

              I bet he's making a new family just as happy right now.

              Look at him.

              And your father does need him for work.

              You could play catch, you could play Frisbee and hide-and-go-seek.

              Yes. Perfect.

              Let me see.

              Oh, yeah, yeah. Let me see.


              Standard composition.

              Retinal response. . . .

              Normal. Proboscis viscosity. . . .

              Not too acid, not too alkaline. All right, immune response.

              That's excellent!

              That's good! Now. . .

              . . .a little protein synthesis and an electrostatic. . . .

              So. . . .

              I know. Why don't you name him?

              Okay. How about "Loser"?

              It's a dog, Mom.

              You're not a loser, are you?

              Wait. Lou.

              We'll call you Lou.

              No playing in the good living room.

              That carpet is Uzbekistani. Ten thousand thread count.



              Cat person.

              Okay, here's the plan:

              Get off this patio, get back to the barn. . .

              . . .get a better pitchfork.


              I wouldn't do that if I were you.

              I like your spirit, but do me a favor and stand back.

              That's my biscuit.

              That would've been the shortest assignment in history.

              Where you going?

              I guess HQ ain't training the way they used to.

              -Who exactly are you? -Name's Butch.

              What stupid name did the bipeds saddle you with? Spot? Fifi? Rover?

              -Lou. -God forbid.

              Oh, Lou. Sorry.

              Is that boy always so grumpy? Maybe they should switch his food.

              Humans can get a little emotional. You'll get used to it. Come on.

              Where's that coming from?


              What? It's standard equipment.

              EC-three vid-phone, research archive database, cipher charts, Snausages.

              -Hey, what's this? -Heel!

              That's the big button. You don't just press the big button.

              -Jeez. -Sorry.

              Just try to remember your training.

              Let's get started. Here's the skinny:

              Your new master's a scientist.

              He's been working on a cure for dog allergies.

              It's a big deal. If no one's allergic to dogs, we'll have the advantage.

              This was your predecessor: Agent      AIKA Buddy.

              He was catnapped about a month ago.

              Wasn't on top of his game. He had to retire.

              He got a nice condo in Boca. Lucky dog.

              You're here to replace him.

              And to keep the cats away from the formula.

              Can't let them near that. Now, come on.

              All right, agent, let's meet the team.

              "Agent"! Whoa!

              Kid, look over there.

              -That's Peek. -Peek?

              I don't get it.

              Peek, show yourself.

              We got a calico on the corner of Center and Main....

              Oh, my God!

              Peek's early warning.

              He's got it all. Radar, sonar, thermo-imaging, odor-matrixing.

              He can detect a non-residential cat from three blocks away.

              -Peek, fall in. -Roger that.

              -Sam, what's your   ? -One-eighteenth of a klick east.

              I'm going to backtrack using a delta approach in three...

              . . .two. . .one.

              Oh, no, not again.

              Where am I?

              Over here, Sam.

              Request permission to pant heavily, sir.


              Boys, I want you to meet Lou.

              -Hey, Louie. -Hey, Lou.


              Lou's taking over for Buddy. He's in the hot seat.

              Fresh from the academy, he's up to date on the latest techniques.

              Aren't you, Lou?

              You know this one? Here we come. I got you! Oh, I just missed you.

              Holy Chihuahua.

              How did this happen?

              He accidentally slipped through.

              He's still got his you-know-whats!

              There's no time, Butch. The puppy stays. End of discussion. Out.

              So tell me, one of you. . .

              . . .is the dog out of the way?

              Did the puppy fall for my clever trap?

              None of you have a tale to tell?

              A little story for me, perhaps?

              You! Tell me, is the game afoot?


              -Why is the game afoot? -I mean, no.

              Ah, excellent.

              So the puppy is dead. Now we can move on to--

              Wait, wait.

              Can I change my answer?

              Is the puppy alive or not?

              Another dog told him it was a bomb.

              Another dog?

              Anyway, I am sure we'll get into the basement lab just fine. Right, guys?

              -Guys! -Oh, yeah, sure, no problem.

              -Absolutely. -See?

              Project Dark Cloud should go down without a hitch.

              Dark Cloud? Is that what I'm calling my plan?

              Not that I know of. No, you're calling it. . . .

              -How about Storm! -Dark Storm.

              Dark Storm, yes.

              Yes. Like a powerful, dark storm. . .

              . . .I will make my presence known to the world.

              . . .and make them quake in fear at the very mention of my name!

              Mr. Tinkles!

              -Hide! -Quickly!

              Where are you?


              There you are, Mr. Tinkles.

              I've been looking everywhere for you. Where have you been?

              Mr. Mason will be so pleased to see you.

              I'll take you to him.

              You're a stinky kitty.

              First you have to have a bath.

              Mr. Tinkles, don't forget to wash behind the ears!

              If I'm going to be a secret agent, I should have a better name.

              He's a pro wrestler. That name's taken.

              Then "Doom Machine" it is.

              You can call yourself Squicky the Space Dog for all I care.

              That don't make your behind a rocket pack.

              You are not an agent, but you are going to help us.

              So first things first. Kid, pay attention.

              History     :

              Dogs have always been man's best friend.

              I'm sure even you know that.

              But cats, they're another story.

              Peek, start with ancient Egypt.

              We've seen that   billion times.

              Okay. Never mind. Sorry. Here goes.

              Ancient Egypt.

              See these hieroglyphics?

              Humans read them and say that ancient people worshiped cats.

              An evil cat named Shen-Akh-Akumon made them build pyramids, monuments. . .

              . . .and treated them like they were his litter box.

              Things were terrible.

              This is the best part.

              So the dogs, being man's best friend, rose up.

              And put them down.

              With humans being back on top, we took our natural place at their side.

              And the people just forgot?

              Remember, they're a very primitive species.

              Can't sense earthquakes, smell fear.

              Heck, they can't even take responsibility for their own farts.



              I'll get the fence.

              That's how our outfit got started.

              Sometimes a rogue cat gets too big for his coat and thinks he can take over.

              Our mission's to keep the cats from the lab until he finishes the formula.

              -Anything weird, call us on the collar. -Yes, sir!

              -Any questions? -Just one, sir.

              -Shoot. -What's ancient Egypt?

              Freeze, cat.

              I'm an agent.

              I'm so fast, I can't see myself.

              Agent Doom Machine. That's right.

              Watch out, cat. I couldn't even see it.

              There's a good puppy. Hello!

              Don't get scared. Don't get scared.

              Look how good you're being. Look how good.

              Where's that--? There. I got it.

              This won't hurt a bit.

              Let's see. Let's see.

              Hey, that's good.

              -Hey, Dad! -Boils.

              Want to help me practice?

              No. No.

              I forgot your bow.

              Oh, your pretty bow.

              When I rule the Earth, you will be the first. . .

              . . .on my list.

              Keep your hair like that. It's slimming.

              There's room on that list for you.

              No, I mean it.

              We only have a few days to succeed.

              Although playing pet for that sick old man upstairs is key to my scheme. . .

              . . .I cannot stand this humiliation any longer. Am I clear?

              Never mind. The puppy won't survive the night.

              Send in the ninjas.

              Nervous about the tryouts tomorrow?


              -It's okay to be nervous. -I'm not nervous.

              I stink, but I'm not nervous.

              Is he saying that because he needs me to reassure him?

              Yes. Reassure him.

              You're the most wonderful, great, charming, good looking. . .

              . . .boy in the whole wide world.

              -Maybe your dad could help you. -No, I'm pretty sure he stinks too.

              I'm going to talk to him.

              Time for bed. Turn off the TV.

              -Five minutes. -Seven.

              -Love you. -I love you too.

              Well? Hand it over.

              What?! No gravy?

              Next time remember the gravy.

              Going someplace?

              Now, let's see.

              Ooh, yeah.      Maple Terrace.

              I got him.

              Total covert operation. Got to be like a Stealth.

              Hey, Sam.

              On my mark. Three, two, one.


              Lou, it's Peek.

              Lou. Are you there? It's Peek.

              What? What? Where?

              I'm picking up a faint signal.

              Maybe it's a glitch. You better check it out.

              Okay. I'll go look.

              Be careful, kid.

              I'm an agent.

              I'm a secret agent.

              I'm a one-dog army.

              Turn over.

              Bug activated.

              Peek? Hello? Peek?

              Seems clear.

              Probably just a squirrel. I'll let Butch know.

              -Butch, what do I do? -Bite them.


              Just do as I say.

              Left! Right paw! Again!

              Roll over!

              That's a good doggy. Paws up!

              Donkey kick!

              Come on, kid, give them the haymaker!

              I changed my mind. Call me the Claw of Ling Chow!

              Ling Chow this!

              Clean up on aisle  .

              Humans! Retreat with honor.

              I have a bat.

              I have a mitt, and I'm not afraid to use it.

              Bad dog.

              You're lucky you're so cute.

              -Doom Machine. -Hey, guys.

              -You're still alive. -Yep. All five limbs.

              You owe me five smoked pig ears.

              You're still standing. You all right?

              Did you see me? Right, left and right and left--

              You got cocky. You think this is a game?

              This isn't about code names, little boys, or friends.

              It's about guarding that lab. Nothing else.

              Sam, Peek, seal that chimney.


              Don't they ever quit?

              The Brodys have the best garbage.

              -Go on. Take a bite. -Oh, my.

              This is what they get to eat? What a gyp.

              I'm glad you liked it.

              -I thought I was a stray too long. -Stray? Cool.

              I've never met a stray.

              Actually, I prefer "domestically challenged."

              Miss Challenged, sorry, but you gotta leave.

              -My orders are clear. I can't-  -Orders?

              Yep. I'm a secret agent.

              An agent?

              You're small for an agent. Shouldn't you be having fun?

              I don't have time.

              Tough guy.

              Stop with the agent stuff. Okay?

              You have your own kid to play with. Don't take it for granted.

              Where you going? Could you do that again?

              Next time the boy talks to you, tilt your head and perk your ears.

              You'll see what I'm talking about.

              And do me a favor. Tell Butch Ivy's back in town.

              What're you looking at?

              I guess you're kind of cute.

              Look who it is. I got you.

              Last night your mother and I had a conversation. . .

              . . .that made me think that maybe. . .

              . . .you and I should talk. . .

              . . .about you and me and my big project.

              You want to sit down?

              Oh, yeah. Sure, sure.

              Your mom made me think that. . . .

              Well, I'm coming to your soccer tryout this afternoon.

              No, you don't have to.

              But. . . .



              Yeah! Okay.

              -Oh, good. Cool. Cool. -Cool.

              You don't want to be late for school.

              Yeah, I am.

              -See you, Dad. -See you.

              Go, go, go! I'll be cheering for you!

              Our team is red-hot Your team ain't doodly-squat

              I stunk. Worse than stunk.

              Scotty? Have you seen this little--


              Wow. He really does stink.

              Guess it didn't go so well, huh?

              What did the coach say?

              He said tryouts for the girls' team are on Monday.

              -Soccer. -I'm in the middle--

              -Soccer. -No, thank you. I must get--


              -I forgot. I had a breakthrough-  -I know you're busy. . . .

              He is your son.

              I had a breakthrough.

              I know. I know. I'm sorry.

              Good boy.

              A beautiful sight.

              You said we'd not talk again.

              -Now I have a reason. -Spare me the lecture.

              Forgive me for not teaching him the finer points of being scratched.

              Now, I have a job to do.

              You never complained when your belly was scratched.

              Under the moon? Before a mission?

              You'd call me Lamb Chop and blush. . .

              . . .whenever I called you Liver Snap.

              Bringing up history...

              . . .is barking up the wrong tree. I'll say this once:

              Stay away from the kid.

              Mr. Mason, I have someone to see you.

              It's Mr. Tinkles time, Mr. Mason.

              Tonight he's wearing something very special for you.


              Does that make you happy, Mr. Mason? Are you happy now?

              See how happy you make him? You make his heart go "boop."

              I leave you two young things together.

              Evil does not wear a bonnet!

              Is she gone?

              Did Genghis Khan wear a bonnet? Attila the Hun? No.

              He wore a furry hat. Maybe a black bonnet?

              The ninjas failed. Failure is unacceptable.

              If they show their faces, you know what to do.

              Tell them to wash with a loofah sponge. Kidding.

              This can't be happening. I want them eliminated!

              Maybe we can look at the glass as half-full.

              That's what I like to do.

              Putting a happy face on things. Interesting philosophy.

              Did you forget we're taking over the world?!

              The clock's ticking.

              We've a small margin for error. Tomorrow. . .

              . . .you will send in the Russian.

              I'll call you back.

              A disturbance occurred at a top-secret allergy...

              ...research lab.

              Bogey in the wire.

              -You got him? -No.

              Closing fast.

              I can't see. There's a fog.

              It's your hair, Sam. Blow up.

              Hold on. Mom's back.

              Oh, no.

              Look at the little kitty.

              Look at the kitty. Oh, yeah.

              That's a good boy.

              He's just a little lost kitty.

              And we're going to keep him. Yes, we are.

              Don't eat her.

              Oh, look. See?

              Look how much she likes you.

              Dave, I've run into a bit a snag.

              You'll have to show the house without me. Oh, hang on.

              What is that? Is that a hairball?

              I'll go get you some water. Not you, Dave. I'll be there soon.

              Hang on.

              I'm on to you. You're in trouble.

              I think not, baby puppy. You are in trouble.


              From Russia with love.

              Stealth poop.

              I don't have time for this.

              Bad dog.

              What do we got?

              -A Russian Blue. -And a number   in sector  .

              That steamer was bigger than me.

              Nice work. Sit this one out.

              -Is she gone? -I don't see her.

              But I was framed! Wait, I want to help.

              -Look out. Code  . -Quick, smell my butt.

              All right, break it up.

              Cold nose!

              Piece of junk American door.

              I cannot believe I do this job for half price.

              And this Tinkles, he is jerk. He talk too much and shed all over.

              -Moving fast. -Moving west.

              -Moving west-east. -On her way to the corner.

              -And she's out. -And she's out.

              Oh, man, it's locked.

              What do they know? I work hard, bring home the Meow Mix.

              -What's he doing? -Kid!

              What? Dogs!

              Take this!



              Come on, kid. Hurry!

              Watch it! He's coming in!

              -There's a bomb at the lab door. -We're on it.

              Doggies, why not come out and play?

              -Guys! -Come on, man!

              The bomb. The bomb!

              I'm going for the bomb.

              -You distract him. -Why me?

              -You wanted to help. -Come on! Come on!

              -Stupid cat! -That'll get his attention.

              -The dresser's coming down. -No, no!

              Butch. The bomb. You got    seconds.

              I said we're on it.

              You need anger management.


              Look out, kid!

              Nice catch.



              Hang on, Butch!

              Hey, puppy, fetch.

              No! Wait!

              All right!

              A flying dog.

              Hold on, kid.

              -Hurry! The bomb! -The bomb.

              -Get off me, furball! -Fight!

              Take him. I'll go for the bomb.

              Ten seconds.

              You fight like a poodle.

              The book says cut the red wire.

              We're dogs. We're colorblind!

              Right. The dark gray one! Oh, no.

              Don't touch it!

              Come on.


              That's the one!

              Think you have won? Remote detonator!

              Oh, good.

              Come here, Lou.

              -Nice outfit. -Come here.


              Hang on. Good doggy.

              It's bulbous.

              That's a breakthrough. If I can only find. . . .

              . . .a little protein synthesis and an electrostatic charge. . .

              . . .it should sustain the compound. . . .

              Good job with the boomerang. You're acting like an agent.

              -Was that a compliment? -He never compliments me.

              Sam, Peek, call in a clean-up crew.

              Hello? Here, kitty, kitty.

              Here, little kitty, kitty.

              I have a treat for you. Here, kitty, kitty--

              Oh, my God.

              Who left the window open?

              Here, kitty.

              I will tell you nothing!

              . . .but inside, granite!

              We can't get anything else out of him.

              We pumped a few things from his stomach.

              Pretty standard:

              Grenade, pick, dynamite, squeaky mouse...

              ...and this.

              "This is where you are to enact my fiendish plan.

              Eat this after you read it so no one will find it."

              Look here. A Christmas tree.

              Research is trying to place it.

              Ring any bells?

              What's next?

              You heard her, boys. Focus on the mission.

              -Full spread scans every    minutes. -Roger that.

              -Sam, trim your bangs. -Sorry.

              Kid, keep up the good work.

              Remember to stay away from the boy.

              Keep your eye on the ball.

              Come on! Where's the ball? Bring me the ball!

              Come on, bring me the ball.

              Where's the ball?

              Come on, Lou.

              Bring me the ball, Lou!

              I have it now! You can't get it from me!

              How do you always find me? Tell me.

              Let's hear it.

              Belly rub!

              I'll race you across the yard!

              What? Too slow?

              Come on! You can't catch me! Try and get it.

              Oh, no!

              No, Lou!

              Negative. Non-reactive.

              Serum sample  - - - ...

              ...negative. Non-reactive.

              My work.

              It was an accident. I was playing with the dog-The door was open!

              Then I was just playing. . . .

              I didn't mean to.

              -I'm so sorry. -You should just go to school.

              Sample  - - -  negative. Non-reactive.

              Butch will kill me.

               - - -  negative. Non-reactive.

              Serum sample  - - - ...

              ...negative. Non-reactive.

              Serum sample  - - - ...

              ...positive. Pro-reactive.

              Molecular structure resolved. Allergy formula complete.

              I did it.

              We did it.

              We did it.

              Hi, doctor. The cure for dog allergies? Success. Done.

              Fantastic. Send it to me and we'll verify it.

              Tomorrow morning, then. Bless you.


              We must act immediately or it will be out of reach.

              Oh, who? Me?

              Were you not paying attention?

              -Not really. Are you mad? -Yes! I am mad!

              You imbecile bug. . . .

              Mr. Tinkles!

              Guess what I made for you!

              Now you can look just like me.

              No, I think not, Sophie. Those days are through.

              What's the matter, Large Marge?

              Cat got your tongue?

              Scary, isn't it?

              Lock her in the closet. Remain on schedule.

              Our day has come!




              Mr. Mason. What a surprise, sir.

              Good morning, human guard. Let us in. That is all.

              Of course, sir.

              Get off the brake!


              Brake! Hit the brake!


              Get out of the road!


              -Gas! -What are you doing?

              -Brake! -Can't you drive, you imbecile?

              Don't make me come up--

              Where'd you get licensed?

              Hello. Out of my way.

              Attention, employees.

              Work quickly. Only seven months until Christmas.

              -Mr. Mason! -Move. Back to work.

              -Sir. -Get a life.

              Out of my way. No lunch for you.

              Mr. Mason!

              -Morning, sir. -Nice hat.

              -How you feeling? -Move.

              -Hello, sir. -That's me.

              Not an evil cat bent on taking over the world.

              Out of my way.

              Factory employees, congratulations.

              This factory has been accident-free for    minutes.

              Sir! Mr. Mason.

              -Sir. -Get the door.

              Nice dress.

              -Can I get you anything? -Sushi and cream.

              Close the door.


              Attention, human workers.

              This is your employer...

              . . .Mr. Mason.

              Effective immediately, you are all fired.

              That's right. Fired!

              Go home now. Do not ask why.

              You are to blame.

              Unless you have a dog. Then blame him.

              In fact, kick him when you get home.

              That is all.

              Cats rule.

              Now, the next phase of my plan.


              I have a package for you.

              Wait. Where'd she go? In or out? In or out?

              Honey, honey.

              You'll never believe this. A breakthrough.

              I am hours away from--

              Mom, Dad! Check it out!

              Tickets to a game tonight.

              -What? -That is so great.

              Uruguay versus Chad.

              You never entered a contest.

              Can we go? Please? Please, can we go?


              Please, I really want to go. Come on.

              Hurry, buckle up! We don't want to be late!

              Okay. Hey, I know.

              -The birds have left the nest. -Go again.

              The jelly is out of the doughnut.

              -What are you saying? -The family has gone.

              Hey, Lou.

              It's you. Where have you been?


              This week's been amazing. I got to beat up a kitten.

              I'm on wet food.

              -And Scott says I'm his best friend. -Terrific.

              Don't tell anyone.

              Butch wouldn't like it. He gets mad.

              Yeah, I know. But he's not mad.

              Sometimes mad is a way of hiding. . .

              -. . .how sad you are. -What? Why would he be sad?

              It's not my place to say. But a person really hurt him once.

              Poor Butch.

              Here we are. I said I'd get us here.

              I hope Mbuto plays. He's the best one-legged forward ever.

              -Is this the right place? -Where are all the tailgaters?

              Are we early? Nobody around.

              That'll make us first in line for chili dogs.

              Chili dog! Chili dog!

              How much do I owe you?

              I'm sorry. Didn't catch it.

              -Hello. -No charge!

              -What? -What is it?

              -Oh, my God! -Take it back.

              Cats rule, cats rule

              Oh, yeah, we kick butt




              What's up?

              Professor's done, I filed my report and. . . .

              Kid. . .

              . . .they're impressed.

              They wanted me to give you this.

              But this is for. . . .

              When this job's over, you've a spot at the academy.

              You pulled it off, kid. Good work.

              I get to be a real agent like you?

              Well, you can try.

              -Partners! -Don't wet the paper yet.

              But if you make it, think of all the places you'll see.

              Maybe Burma. Yeah.

              Or Denmark. What was her name?

              Or Pasadena.

              Wait. So I wouldn't stay here.

              You go where they need you.

              -Bogey in the wire.

              It's a calico. Should I take him?

              Negative. Me and the kid got it.


              My last job. Deliver this tape, and I'm off to Jamaica.

              -What's this? -Get off me.

              All right, you got me.

              Stop. Please don't pull on the duct tape!

              Hello. Is this on?

              Closer! Turn it over! Where did you come from?

              Hello, my puny-minded dog-faced opponents.

              What? Yes, it's on.

              The red light's blinking.

              I'm sure you've wondered...

              ...about the identity of who will defeat you.

              Who it is that possesses the intellect to win...

     this chess game of wits and might.

              It is I!

              Recognize these humans?

              If you want to see them alive again...

              ...bring the formula and all notes...

              ...regarding Brody's research to the Ninth Street Pier at midnight.

              If you refuse, well, they will be put to sleep!

              Hold that still!

              You have until midnight to comply.

              -We're gonna save them, right? -This is over our heads.

              -You calling headquarters? -No, we're going there.

              Now we can push the big button. Hang on.

              -Nav systems. -Check.

              -GPS. -Check.

              Raising anchors. We're go for launch.

              Hold onto your tail, kid!

              Velocity at     feet per second.

              You are clear for EVA.

              Canine transport loading at platform two.

                 nd Airborne Chihuahuas, report to the briefing room.

              This is it, kid. Welcome to HQ.

              Roll over!

              Roll over! Sit!

              Spaying and neutering reversal procedures on level three.

              -For defensive purposes, of course. -Oh.

              Of course.

              Personnel are required to curb themselves.

              Remember to scoop your poop.

              Testing, testing.

              You've reached headquarters. Log in.

              Tiger, what are you doing?

              Bad dog!

              Recognize these humans?

              If you want to see them again, bring the formula...

              ...and all notes regarding Brody's research...

              ... to the Ninth Street Pier at midnight. If you refuse...

              ... they will be put to sleep.

              Assemble the delegates.

              Order! Order, please.

              Delagates, please! Order!

              We cannot give up the formula. Sacrifice the Brody family.

              Nein! Lives are at stake. We cannot deem them expendable.

              Delegates, please! Order!

              I must have order!

              Please, no Frisbee!

              Steve, crowd control.


              Now then, delegates. It's time to vote.

              Wait! Can I say something first?

              Kid, quiet!

              I was told it was an agent's job to protect people.

              Delegates, it's time. Family or formula.

              No! Wait. Wait!

              Just minutes ago...

              ... the Council voted to sacrifice the family...

              ... to safeguard humanity against the cat threat forever.

              For Canine News Network, this is Wolf Blitzer.

              Poor kid.

              I need some equipment, guys.

              -Hold on a second, kid. -No!

              -Hold it. -They can't do this.

              -You should've fought for me! -What good would it do?

              "Man's best friend." History     , remember?

              Here's lesson two. We protect and work for them.

              We tolerate that stupid baby-talk crap.

              Then they go to college. . .

              . . .and dump you with an old lady who can't throw a ball!

              You blame my family for what some boy did to you?

              Look, kid. I'm sorry it played out like this. . .

              . . .but it's over. We're shut down.

              Don't be scared, Scotty. Everything will be okay.

              I'm not scared, Mom.

              It's all right. Only natural.

              -We'll be okay. -Mom, really, I'm okay.

              You're trying to be brave.

              -It's okay. -Mom--

              Scotty, don't be scared!

              -I am your rock! -Please.

              Who kidnapped us, Uruguay or Chad?

              I heard what happened. How's Lou?

              -I told him not to get attached. -"An agent focuses. . .

              . . .only on the mission.

              -That's why my family didn't love me." -We all have sob stories.

              Now he has his.

              -I have to go. -I said go before we left.

              So you brought the research.

              Foolish puppy.

              He took the research.


              Butch, are you there?

              Lou's in trouble at the pier!

              Dock   . Hurry!


              I thought they would let my family go.

              How many dogs does it take to overthrow mankind?

              Just one stupid puppy.

              Where is my family?!

              Oh, they're alive.

              For now.

              But it won't matter--

              This isn't NASCAR!

              I've seized the formula. . .

              . . .and in hours, I'll reverse it. . .

              . . .giving me. . .

              ... the power to make humans...

              How can I gloat gleefully when you drive like a chimpanzee?!

              I will make all of humanity violently allergic to your kind.

              And when you're all despised by those you protect...

              ... you will be cast out, leaving me to lead...

              . . .cats in a glorious revolution. . .

              ... to conquer the world!

              -What will we do? -"We"?

              You doomed the human race forever. There's nothing to do.

              You always give up too easy, Butch.

              -Is that what I think it is? -What, Butch?

              Yup, it's the Cat Tracker     .

              Those fleabags must be running for the hills.

              That's what I was thinking.

              Faster. I thought you were union!

              I got a bonus for the guy....

              That's it. The Christmas tree from the note.

              What the heck are they up to?

              All those mice can feed an army.

              -Hello, Professor Brody. -Who are you?

              Sorry about the wait. . .

              -. . .but we had tests to run. -Who's that?

              Who are you?

              Is this about my work?

              You're from one of those. . .

              . . .big multinational, corporate, profit-mongering. . .

              . . .pharmaceutical companies stealing--

              Pharmaceutical company?

              You misunderstand me.

              What's going on? Hello?

              That smell. A feline essence--

              Where are you?

              Show yourself. You can't hide forever.

                But I've nothing to hide.


                Will someone please shut her up?!

                I have an ingenious test to perform.

                Are you mutants? I read this comic book--

                "I read a comic book."

                You make me sick!

                Calm down, honey. Calm down.

                It's an experiment gone awry. You're turning blue!

                It's about time.

                My captive audience. . .

                . . .shall we play a little game, young Brody? Excuse me.

                The vial! The green one!

                Here, boss.

                Oh, hello, Mr. Sinister Serum.

                -What's in that? -Well. . .

                . . .my quote-unquote master's fake snow. . .

                . . .is the perfect medium for carrying. . .

                . . .your disease.

                Ah, yes. Thereby. . .

                . . .breaking the bond between a boy and his dog.

                No, wait.


                Lower the cage!

                Success! You!

                -Go assemble the troops. -Yes, sir.

                As for you, Brody herd. . .

                . . .I have a very. . .

                . . .very special. . .

                . . .gift! What?!

                I said buy a real gun!

                -That's what I was thinking. -What use can I have for this?!

                Hey! I'm so clever.

                This here is just plain fun.

                -Stay here. -Why?

                Because I hate you.

                No! Help! Let me out!

                In just hours. . .

                . . .every human in the world will be allergic to dogs.

                But such a mammoth plot requires brothers-in-arms.

                And this. . .

                . . .is where my genius truly comes to pass.

                For I have chosen a comrade that can invade every home in the world.


                Son of my mom!

                Mice! The unlikeliest of allies.

                You're all asking:

                "How can he spread the allergy to the world?"

                Open your World Domination pamphlets and I'll show you.

                Enter the sewers and with the maps in appendix B. . .

                . . .you'll cross the nation. Half go to homes. . .

                . . .infecting every human, while the rest--

                Turn the page.

                --will stow away on planes and boats. . .

                . . .to infect the world. With the dogs gone. . .

                . . .cats will overthrow the humans and you'll be given your reward:

                   pounds of Monterey Jack. . .

                . . .and the continent of Australia!

                -Australia! -Yeah!

                Open the sewer hatch!

                Okay, here's the plan.

                Flee across the world!

                Go forth and infect everyone!

                Be all you can be!

                My plan has come full circle!

                You have nothing to fear but mousetraps. . .

                He ate Gary!


                What's that?

                It's over, Tinkles!

                Dogs. Where are they?

                Lou, the hatch. Close the hatch.

                Bath time!

                Surrender, you're finished!

                Let's go!

                I have a plane to catch.

                Ivy's, go find Peek and Sam. I've got to find Lou.

                Good boy.

                Hey! Stop!

                Stop. I need to crush you.

                I'll get you.

                How did you find us?

                -Come on, we have to go. -Can you talk too?

                I'll scratch that for you!

                I'll squeeze you like a tick!

                Come on, honey!

                Come here. I got a Milk-Bone for you.

                I've got you now.

                -Put me down, hairball! -I just want a hug!

                I'm coming, Butch!

                Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

                You're too late, puppy.

                I'm king of the world!

                Get him, Lou!

                I give up. Please don't hurt me.

                Get your butt off my face, Tinkles!

                Now, where was I? Oh, yes.

                Now the final crushing.

                Dogs rule!

                This is a minor setback.

                You're finished, Fluffy!

                Butch! We did it!

                -Come on, Scotty! -Come on! Quickly!

                Come on!

                Wait. Where's Lou?!

                Kid, we did it.

                We saved them like you said. You were right.

                And you were right about me.


                Oh, no.

                Come on, Lou, wake up.

                You're not a loser, Lou.

                Wake up.

                Mom, Dad, he's alive!

                Mom, Dad, he's alive!

                Come quick!

                He came back!

                -You have the right to-  -You have the right. . .

                -. . .to remain silent. -Anything you say can be used. . . .

                Oh, my God!

                And the right to a dog attorney.

                Get it, Lou! Come on!

                Nice! You're getting good.

                Put your head forward.

                All right, Dad!

                -Lou, go get it. -That's a triple.

                Hey, kid.

                Everything go okay at HQ?

                They're eating out of my paw. How's things?

                -Great. Want to play some ball? -No, I gotta get back to work.

                Bring it here. Find the ball.

                Come on! Go get it! Come on!

                He's got it! He's got it!

                Bring that ball! Bring that ball back!

                He would've made a great agent.

                That's right, Mr. Tinkles. You have been a very bad kitty.

                I'm just going to have to teach you how to behave.

                Now you're going to have to live with me and my sisters!

                Mr. Tinkles!

                Look what we made for you!

                -I could eat you with a spoon! -I can't take it!



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