Cheats Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Cheats script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the high school cheating movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Cheats. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Cheats Script

            My whole life, I always hated school.

            Oh, thank you, Snowball.

            No more Fs.

            No more Fs.

            All right, I admit it. I took Mrs. Herman's grade book.

            I set fire to it. I peed on it. But before you pass judgment...

            you got to hear my side of the story.

            Let's go back to the beginning.

            That's me in the window over there, and that's my dad.

            Now, I was only five years old...

            but I already knew that I hated school.

            You see, I had just gotten over the chickenpox...

            and I was having a little trouble making friends.

            Can I play with you guys?

            Why do you have dots on your face?


            And then I met Sammy.

            Now, this kid really hated school.

            He hated teachers, he hated coloring...

            he even hated recess.

            It was incredible.

            Sammy, come on.

            Look at the big, chubby baby.

            It's disgusting.

            What are you looking at?

            I'll be your friend.



            Now, Sammy was the worst speller in the class...

            and I felt really bad for him, so I decided to help him out.

            You stole the answers?



            That's correct, Sammy.

            You're the winner.

            Sammy and l, we cheated our way through elementary school.

            By the time we got to junior high, we were experts.

            You're late, Davis.

            Hey, relax, man. Everything's cool.

            I thought I told you to come alone.

            He's cool. He's my partner.

            Evan Rosengarden. When we needed a book report...

            a term paper, or a science project, we went to him.

            he would do anything for a little porn...

            as long as it wasn't soft-core.

            This better not be soft-core.

            I hate soft-core.

            So does my dad.

            It was a smooth operation...

            Holy smokes.

            until Rosengarden got sloppy.

            Yes, well, the reason I'm calling, Mr. Davis...

            is because your son gave my son a dirty movie.

            And it was perhaps the weirdest dirty movie...

            that I've ever seen.

            I want to know how Handsome got his hands...

            on something this... super dirty.

            Perhaps you should talk to him.

            Oh, don't worry. I will.

            I most certainly will.


            Yes, Daddy?


            Now, my dad's porn was so weird...

            there was no way he was gonna talk about it.

            Was there something you wanted to tell me?

            And the truth is...

            that was the least of his problems with me.

            Good night. - Good night, Daddy.

            I was the type of kid that wouldn't even get up...

            to go to school in the morning without putting up a fight.

            Now, being a single parent is never easy...

            especially when your kid is me.

            Here he comes. Here he comes.

            I taught him that move.

            Basically, we were at war...

            and I wasn't going to let him win.

            I am not going to let you win!

            Now, he used to threaten to send me away all the time...

            and I would threaten him with running away from home.

            Sammy was always there to talk me out of it.

            That's a big-ass suitcase.

            Listen, Handsome, I need some help with geometry.

            You know, some secret help.

            Geometry? I don't go to school anymore.

            But everybody has to go to school.

            Not me.

            Listen, Handsome, this is crazy. Where are you gonna sleep?

            Well, I'm not sleeping at the nut house.

            My dad told me that they got kids there...

            that eat their own shit with a fork and knife.

            Really? - Yes. Really.

            Hello, world!

            Now, this used to happen all the time...

            but Sammy knew that I was always gonna come back...

            and I was always going to help him cheat.

            Did you say something about geometry?

            You bet your frickin' ass I did.

            And by the time we got to high school...

            Sammy and I had taken cheating to a whole other level.

            We had gone from small-time spelling bees...

            to mid-terms, finals, and everything in between.

            You name it, we stole it.

              Now, there were two other guys we always worked with.

              Everything's cool?

              Now, Sammy and I may have hated school...

              but Victor hated everything.

              His motto was, "I hate everything."

              Now, we all took our jobs very seriously...

              You finished yet?

              But nobody took it as seriously as Applebee.

              Brilliance requires patience.

              You see, he was the man in charge of the crib sheets.

              Now, every cheating outfit needs a guy who can write small...

              and this guy wrote crazy small.

              That is a masterpiece.

              It should be hanging in a museum.

              I hate museums.

              The four of us were a real solid unit.

              We were efficient, we were loyal...

              and we had our own copy of the janitor's key.

              Do you know why I called you in here?

              Did I win some kind of award or something?

              No, you did not win any awards.

              Do you have something you want to tell me?

              I love you?

              Stand up.

              I don't understand.

              I said stand up.

              That's a ball.

              That's another ball.

              They like to travel together.

              Marla, he doesn't have them on him.

              I'd like you to schedule an assembly for sixth period.

              I know what you kids say about me.

              Well, I'm not a bitch.

              I am not a lesbian.

              I am not...Medusa.

              You know, I wasn't always a principal.

              When I was your age...

              every weekend, we'd go to the wrong side of town...

              so that we could listen to live Negro music.


              Can I get my award now?

              Get out.


              OK, the cornerstone of our operation was the key.

              Everything's cool? - It's cool.

              It opened every single door in the school...

              so we could steal any test at any time.

              Hey, guys, I saved some seats for you.

              The key is what put us on top.

              Biology is killing me.

              We love being on top.

              I'd do anything for some help.

              Or the bottom. They're both good.

              So, you're gonna hook us up, right?

              We'll talk later.

              I heard a rumor that Stark is shutting you guys down.

              Everybody please take a seat.

              Do I look shut down?

              This isn't funny, Davis.

              If I lose my eligibility...

              I'm gonna stab you.


              See, everybody was looking to get ahead...

              and we always had the answers.

              I'm sorry about the stabbing thing.

              I overreacted.

              You're the greatest.

              This is the second time I am asking you to be seated.

              I will not ask again.

              North Point Academy is not a public school.

              We do not have public school problems...

              no teen pregnancies, no gunplay, no drug epidemics.

              Public school is so much cooler.

              We do, however, seem to be in the midst of a crisis.



              Will somebody please get her out of here?

              Oh, that's classic.

              She's not doing "dildo" anymore?

              No, she's back to "douchebag."

              I had a telephone call this morning...

              from one of your parents...

              who gave me some very disturbing information.

              Apparently, a group of seniors...

              has gotten its hands on a copy of the janitor's key.

              I hate rats.

              As we speak, a locksmith is going throughout the school...

              changing the locks on every single door.

              No more tests will be stolen.

              Pass it down. I want everyone to get detention today.




              Trash bag.

              Trash bag. - Douchebag.

              We got to do a job today.

              Do you have a head injury?

              We've got to do a job today.

              Stark's little threat has everyone else running scared.

              We do a job today, we go down as legends.

              Does anybody have any tests coming up?

              Does anyone know of any test that's coming up?

              How can there be no tests coming up? This is school.

              But Teddy doesn't cheat.

              I know all about Teddy.


              Can I talk to you for a second?

              As I'm sure you know...

              me and my associates here like to do favors for people.

              You know my position.

              Now, Teddy hated cheating. As far as she was concerned...

              the only true act of rebellion was cursing out a teacher.

              Just hear me out.

              How many times have you been forced to see Dr. Newman?

              I don't know. Like, seven, maybe eight times.

              That guy is nosy.

              He's the school psychologist. That's his job.

              Well, I don't care who he is. That guy's nosy!

              OK. What would you say if I told you...

              that I could get you your file from his office?

              You could read every little word he's ever written...

              about why you do... what you do.

              This one's free.

              Spread the word.

              We're still in business.

              Detention at our school...

              meant helping the janitor clean the building...

              and that meant that there was only one man...

              standing in our way.

              Oh, my God!

              Somebody just puked in there!


              You know...vomited?

              Every day, somebody make a puke in my school.

              North-south elevator.

              Mother of crap!

              I'm freaking out here, man. Handsome's gone too far.

              We're not even stealing a test. - What are you doing here?

              You're supposed to be by the elevator!

              Well...I'm not.

              Handsome Davis.

              What's the matter with you?

              When he's in there, he's gonna look at my file.

              I have secrets.

              This is unacceptable!

              Get your ass back to the elevator.

              I have a right to my privacy.


              Teddy, Teddy.

              I only have one question:

              Where are...

              your trash bags?

              Something fish.

              We're dead.

              We're not dead.

              There is a person up here.

              I no understand.

              He take sleep.

              What you doing?

              Where am l?

              You're in my roof.

              My school. My beauty.

              He's panicking.

              He's not panicking. He's getting stronger.

              Do you think you could help me down, 'cause...

              I'm a little scared of heights.

              Help yourself!

              You! You broke my roof in my school!

              My roof you broke!

              No, I didn't.

              I just see you there.

              It wasn't me.

              You up in roof. - No, I wasn't.

              You must be confusing me with somebody else.

              We can sit here all day and argue...

              but let's just agree... to disagree.


              What's your name?

              My name? - Yes.

              My name is Jimmy Carter.

              Jimmy Carter.

              Your name?

              Teddy Roosevelt.

              Roosevelt. You?

              Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

              There's no relation there.

              Dude, we're screwed.

              They actually were related.

              You idiot.

              He doesn't know that.

              You're racist. - Shut up!

              What is your name, huh?

              Now, there were still plenty of other presidents to pick from.

              George Washington, Abraham Lincoln...

              Zachary Taylor...

              but Applebee, well, Applebee was Applebee.


              This is all because of you, Napplebee.

              Stop calling me Napplebee.

              You know, I should kick your ass right now...


              Not my name.

              I don't care what your name is. I'm gonna kick your ass!

              What about my ass?

              You kick his ass, you have to kick my ass.

              I kick all ass.

              Victor, count to ten.

              Now, let me explain something about Victor.

              Victor was famous for always having a plan.

              I have a plan.

              I think we should kick Napplebee's ass.

              That's not gonna happen.

              The man abandoned his post in the middle of a job.

              He has to pay for his sins.

              He writes crazy small.

              All right, let's do this one more time.

              Applebee, what did you have?

              I had a dream.

              And in that dream, you looked at my file.

              Did you look at my file?


              I had a Nestle's Crunch. - Excellent.

              Anybody can make a blanket denial...

              but a great liar gives you details.

              No matter what she says she knows...

              all we gotta do is give her the details...

              because, my friends, bullshit is in the details.

              Were you up in the ceiling yesterday?

              I don't remember.

              How can you not remember whether or not...

              you were up in the ceiling?

              I'm not so good at memory.

              Is he the one?

              Yes, that's him.

              Jimmy Carter.

              Now, do you want to tell me what you were doing...

              in the ceiling?

              You mean the ceiling by the candy closet?

              What were you doing up there? - I already told you.

              I was getting candy. I remember it distinctly.

              I wanted a candy bar, but I only had a $  bill.

              See, I only wanted one candy bar...

              but I was forced to buy five because I didn't have any ones.

              I remember it distinctly. - What are you talking about?

              You're the one who told us if we didn't sell enough candy...

              there'd be no senior trip. I figured I'd climb up there...

              Ieave the money, and take the candy.

              Are you trying to sabotage the senior trip?

              What I don't understand is, what were Sammy, Victor...

              and Jonathan doing up there with you?

              I can't eat five candy bars by myself.

              Applebee had a Nestle's Crunch, Victor had a Snickers...

              Sammy had two Snickers, and I had a Reese's Pieces.

              If you don't believe me, ask one of the guys.

              They'll say the same thing.

              Your friends told me...

              they weren't actually getting candy bars.

              In fact, they admitted they were cheating.

              And they said you were behind the whole thing.


              you tell me the truth...

              and I promise I won't be that hard on you.

              Jonathan Jacob Applebee.

              Nestle's Crunch. That's all I'm saying.

              I am sick and tired of your special ed bullshit!

              Jonathan Jacob Applebee.

              Nestle's Crunch. That's all I'm saying.

              I'm still not sure what it is...

              you were doing up in the ceiling...

              We were getting candy.

              but I know you weren't getting candy.

              I also know that you've been pulling detention on purpose...

              so that you could be alone in school with Marty.

              You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

              If I punish you for cheating...

              it will have to go on the permanent record...

              so instead I am reducing it...

              to destruction of school property.

              That'll be three days suspension...

              and your parents have to come to school...

              and I'm gonna tell them what I'm telling you.

              This is your final warning.

              I hope you're happy.

              I hope you're happy.

              Three-day suspension.

              Is this how I brought you up?

              Your behavior is completely inappropriate.


              Two words:

              Dog porn.

              I don't know what you're talking about.

              Don't bullshit me, Dad.

              It was in the corner of the closet.

              All right, first of all-- First of all, all right--

              What about...

              the doberman?


              I know I'm in no position to preach to you.

              I'm sure you don't even respect me...

              but I care about you, and I care about your future.

              And I am begging you-- begging you--

              stop the cheating. Please.

              Stop the cheating.

              And I did stop cheating.

              It lasted three days.

              Somebody want to take a stab at it?

              Now, Mr. Harkin was a real genius.

              The problem was that he was so smart...

              no one ever had a clue what he was talking about.

              I can't believe no one else knows this.

              OK, let's get a couple of things straight.

              I don't like to have my teaching methods questioned...

              and I especially don't like it when parents call me at home.

              And I really don't like to have to hear sob stories...

              about how badly certain students...

              need to get into Tufts University.

              Mr. Shapiro, you don't need to take notes on this.


              But you can write down the following:

              tomorrow's Regents' exam will count as your midterm...

              and no amount of parental pressure will change that.

              But that's not fair.

              You haven't taught us any of the material on the Regents'.

              Well, everything will be covered at today's review.

              You know what?

              I have taught in the heart of a ghetto...

              and none of those ghetto kids...

              were anywhere near as whiny as any of you.

              Did you get that, Mr. Shapiro?

              Mr. Harkin?

              I can't make the review 'cause I have a doctor's appointment.

              Well, unless you want to fail my class...

              I suggest you get your notes from someone else.

              Don't worry, Mr. Harkin.

              I'll cover him.

              This is bullshit, man. He never taught us anything...

              from the Regents'.

              He's just too lazy to make up his own test.

              You know what that means, don't you?



              Cheaters love to use the word "unpassable."

              Usually it's just bullshit, you know?

              A way to justify what we do. In this case, however...

              we truly were dealing with an unpassable test.

              You do the eyeball, I'll do the crisis.

              Which crisis?

              "If they're your friends, they'll understand."

              I don't like that one, man.

              It's gross.

              It works.

              The best way to distract a teacher...

              is to manufacture a teen identity crisis.

              Mr. Harkin?

              Can I talk to you a minute?

              Sure, Handsome.

              Now, I could have exploited my parents' divorce...

              or faked an eating disorder, but I knew an even better way...

              to grab Mr. Harkin's attention.


              when I'm in the locker room, and...

              everybody gets...


              I feel really funny.


              Funny how?

              There's nothing wrong...

              with admiring the male form.

              Just don't stare at it for too long.

              It's frowned upon.

              So I'm not going to hell? - Of course not.

              God doesn't hate me.

              Your God doesn't hate you.

              What about my friends?

              Well, if they're really your friends...

              then they'll understand.

              Right. Let's get started, everyone.

              Hey, did I hear you guys...

              doing a crisis on Harkin? 'Cause I am in.


              Can I speak to you alone for a second, please?

              Yeah, give me one second. I'll be right back.


              He has to pay for his mistakes.

              He's one of us.

              He's good at what he does. I admit it.

              He writes crazy small.

              Yeah, you know, you keep saying that, but who cares?

              Bottom line here: Applebee broke protocol.

              We have to shut him out now. Teach him a lesson.

              Just this once.

              But you have to promise me you'll start being cool again.

              I promise.

              What are you doing here?

              Helping Sammy study. What are you doing here?

              The same.


              I never really understood Julie.

              I mean, she actually believed that hard work...

              and determination would pay off. What a sucker.

              What are you looking at?

              A woman.

              It seems like only yesterday she was just a girl, but now...

              she's a woman.

              I don't know if it was because of Julie...

              or Mrs. Stark or what, but Sammy started to change...

              and I was not about to let that happen.

              Hey, man. What's up?

              Why weren't you at the review today?

              I told you I had a doctor's appointment.

              A doctor's appointment. I get it.

              You're not going to school tomorrow, are you?

              You're gonna fake sick. You're gonna retest.

              It's the lowest form of cheating.

              I would never do the sick cheat. I despise the sick cheat.

              I'm just using Julie's notes to help me study.

              She takes great notes.

              So you must know it cold by now then.

              Yeah, I wish.

              Well, let me give you a few pointers.

              "A." Excuse me. "B...

              "D, D, A, B."

              Get out.

              You don't have to do anything. The hard part's over.

              We were lucky last time.

              Nothing went on our permanent record.

              I like my permanent record the way it is.


              That's Julie talk.

              Look, I've decided to study. That's it.


              All right.

              I'm leaving.

              Here I go. Out the door.

              But I have news for you.

              There's no such thing as a permanent record.

              The permanent record is something they invented...

              to get inside your head with.

              It only exists if you believe in it.

              Really? - Yes, really.

              The greatest hoax in the history of institutionalized education...

              is the myth of the permanent record.

              And let me tell you something.

              Sammy Green is not about to fall for it.

              Do you know what this test is?

              Don't do this to me. - Do you know what it is?

              You're a bad person. - Do you know what it is?

              It's unpassable.

              What is it?!

              It's unpassable. - I can't hear you.

              It's unpassable!

              And what are we gonna do? - We're gonna pass!


              Bubble smackers.

              Jimmy Carter!

              No, thank you.

              These are big letters.

              I did the best I could, but I'm no cribmaster.

              Drop it already. The letters are fine.

              We need Applebee. It's not too late.

              Forget about the crib sheets. This is multiple choice.

              This is cake. - Cake?

              What if Victor mis-sequenced on the eyeball?

              Hey! How do I know you didn't mis-sequence on the crib sheets?

              Applebee never mis-sequenced.

              Who's Applebee?

              Come on! - Hey!

              Look, nobody mis-sequenced.

              This is business.

              And today...

              we do it without Applebee.

              You have    minutes.

              There will be no bathroom breaks.

              You have    minutes.

              There will be no bathroom breaks.

              When I say, "Pencils down". All pencils must be down.

              Turn your papers over.

              Time to begin.

              You may begin.

              OK, first of all, you gotta remember...

              never to sit next to somebody that you're cheating with.

              It looks too suspicious.

              And then there's crib sheets.

              Crib sheets are a tricky thing, but I swear by them.

              Never write on your body. Never write on your clothing.

              You always have to be able to destroy the evidence...

              at a moment's notice.

              Now when you're done copying off your sheet...

              just keep looking busy.

              All right.

              Pencils down, everyone.

              Pass your papers forward.

              And perhaps most importantly, always get a couple wrong.

              Always leave a couple blank.

              Never... and I mean never... get    %.

              You made me fail.

              I made myself fail.

              I exhibited unprofessional behavior.

              Look, my cribbing skills are worthless without you guys.

              I have finished grading your exams...

              but first I would like to see the following students outside:

              Sammy Green, Handsome Davis, and Victor Barone.

              You punks...

              must think I'm some kind of idiot.

              What the hell are you talking about?

              What am I talking about? What am l--

              I got a classroom full of kids in there...

              and the highest mark that anybody got was   .

              Sammy, you got   .

              Handsome, you got   .

              And Victor, you got    %.

              Congratulations, Victor.

              Can anybody explain to me...

              the root of this freak occurrence?

              What the hell am I doing out here?

              Handsome, calm down!

              Do you think I cheated?!

              Give me the test right now, Mr. Harkin, right now!

              All right, I'll give you the test next period.

              No, not next period.

              Right now! Right now!

              I'll take it right now!

              I'm ready for the test.


              put your shirt back on and go back to class.

              I'm sorry I accused you.

              Was Hampston involved?

              No, not at all.

              You're certain?

              Yeah. He's a good kid.

              He's just a little confused right now.

              But he knows his physics.

              All right, then. It's time to get ugly.

              What do you think she'll do?

              I shouldn't be talking to you.

              That excites you, doesn't it?

              Do you want to go out for a drink?

              What happened? What happened?

              Oh, well, look who it is.

              The great leader of men.

              Just tell me what happened.

              I'll take it right now!

              That was awesome, Handsome.

              You're the man! You're the man, Handsome!

              You know, she's sending out red letters...

              with their transcripts. This is serious.

              No, it's not. Julie, both you and I know...

              that there's no such thing as a permanent record.

              Oh, that's right.

              It's just something they invented...

              to get inside your head with. The greatest hoax...

              in the history of institutionalized education...

              Stop it!

              is the myth of the permanent record.

              Now, Stark's biggest threat...

              was that she could keep us out of college.

              See, a red letter on your permanent record...

              meant that no college would even consider your application.

              Look, I am really sorry about the red letter.

              Please just pick up the phone.

              By the way, in case you were wondering...

              who this is, this is Handsome.

              Handsome Davis. We met in kindergarten.

              I was the kid with the chicken pox. Dot-face.

              Does any of this ring a bell?

              I've been thinking about this for a long time...

              Victor and I might not get into college.

              She's bluffing.

              You don't know that. You don't know everything.



              It's time for us to get out. I don't know. Go legit.

              Start doing whatever it takes to get into a good college.

              What's it gonna be, Handsome?

              I promise to stop cheating on tests...

              but I'm still gonna plagiarize.

              We agreed to quit cheating, but Sammy took it one step further.

              Yes? - I'm with the student court.

              I couldn't believe it.

              My best friend was a founding member of an extracurricular activity.

              What's the student court?

              I don't know.

              I think they went soft.


              Teddy, it says here you have detention...

              for the rest of the school year.

              I could do that time standing on my head.

              It also says you'll be attending summer school.

              Why are you bothering me, dildo?

              I mean, douchebag.

              Because I think I can get you out of it...

              if you let me take your case.

              Ever since the first grade...

              I had been making fun of the studiers.

              Now I was one of 'em.

              Davis, I need a favor.

              Look, I'm sorry, man.

              I'm out of the favor business.

              This is important.

              Look, I've been clean for nine weeks.

              Try Lipnick or the Benjamin brothers.

              You know what? I take back every apology I've ever made to you guys.

              Student court.

              This is all your fault.

              You turned us into a bunch of Shapiros.

              I'm not a Shapiro.

              I'm an advocate for student rights.

              You're the founding member of an extracurricular activity.

              What makes you think you're any different from Shapiro?

              I don't take notes.

              I said this before, and I will say it again.

              Mrs. Herman. Herman was one of those teachers...

              who loved the sound of her own voice.

              Now, she thought that she could make us take notes...

              on everything she said, but we had other plans.

              The only way to pass my class is to take good notes.

              Or have a friend who takes good notes.

              Hey, Noga.

              You want to be friends?

              Mr. Barone?

              Would you like me to put an "F" in my grade book right now?

              No, ma'am.

              Now as I was saying, if you've taken good notes...

              Iike Mr. Shapiro over here...


              you will have no problem on tomorrow's test.

              Don't worry. I'll photocopy them after school...

              and you can pick them up at my place.

              Thanks, Noga.

              You know, you're a really cool girl.

              Victor used to always say that note-taking was for suckers.

              His motto was: Why take notes when there's always a girl...

              willing to give it up for free?

              I stand here before you knee-deep in the bullshit.


              I don't get it, man.

              None of the girls are willing to give up their notes.

              It's like they all of a sudden have self-esteem.

              That's impossible.

              It's a little possible.

              It was Julie.

              It doesn't make sense.

              Why should we keep giving our notes to the boys?

              Do you want some boy who's not Shapiro...

              taking your admission spot from your reach school?

              But just because we're giving them notes doesn't mean that--


              And they will not be your friends...

              in five years when they're in a penthouse in Manhattan...

              and you're sitting in an apartment in the dark...

              because you can't pay your electric bill.

              She got waitlisted.

              I'm on a waiting list because of them.

              She's taking it pretty hard.

              We are not whores.

              We are not whores.

              She got to every single girl.

              She is good.

              We are not whores!

              We are not whores!

              Hey, what about Shapiro?

              What do you think, Shapiro?

              I'm not a whore.

              I hate Shapiro.

              I should kick his ass.

              My money's on Shapiro.

              The book. We should only be tested on what's in the book.

              Note-taking should not be mandatory.

              We should not have to listen to her when she talks.

              It's not fair. - Fair?

              If she wanted to, she could factor in spelling or conduct...

              or penmanship.


              I have a plan.


              Hello. Is Mrs. Herman there?

              No. She's gone to bed.

              Would you like to leave a message?

              Is this her son?


              Well... you don't know me, but I'm your real father.

              The one who gave you up.

              The one who never loved you.

              I just called to tell you that my feelings haven't changed.


              Why are you doing this to me?

              Because I hate adoption.

              Have a pleasant evening.

              Why would you do something like that?


              Because adoption is an unnatural act.

              It's against God's plan.

              What? Adoption is awesome.

              It keeps poor kids off crime.

              You called from my house. From my phone.

              We're going to get   ed with the star.

              You know...

              I don't know about you...

              but I hate Gradebook, and I hate her fake little kids.

              You're being insane.

              Do you even know them?

              Yeah, I know them a little. From gymnastics camp.

              They're freaks.

              Call the freaks up and apologize.

              I got a plan.

              Hey, listen, kid.

              I screwed up.

              Adoption is awesome.

              It keeps poor kids off crime.

              Now, if you give me that test, I'll give you    bucks.

              I was thinking something more like...four hundred.

              Jesus, you are so goddamned greedy.

              It is what it is.

              Fine. Have it your way, Greedy.

              Four hundred it is.

              Look, I am a businessman.

              I'll get you that test.

              That was beautiful.

              Well, I know how to deal with adopted kids.

              Does anyone know Rexler's number?

              Do this somewhere else.

              What is your problem? - It's like a sickness with you.

              It's time to grow up. Teddy's on the wagon.

              Teddy's on the wagon? - Teddy stopped cursing.

              She realized she couldn't be an idiot for the rest of her life.

              Teddy was never an idiot.

              She was a genius, and you killed her.

              Sammy, this is bigger than me, you...

              and Teddy put together.

              This is note-taker versus non-note-taker.

              This is teacher versus student.

              Corrupting the children of the Gradebook?

              This is our chance to become a part of history.

              Get out of my house.

              Come on, man.

              Peer pressure.

              What is the big deal? We're not gonna get caught.

              You won't get caught. You'll weasel your way out of it.

              Just do me a favor and just get out of my house.

              Are you breaking up with me? - Just get out.

              Yo! Get Rexler on the line.


              Dude, where's your dad?


              Please hold for Handsome.

              Rexler, tonight's your lucky night.

              This job is too big.

              It's not too big.

              It's too big.

              Hello? - All right, Greedy.

              I got your money.

              Mr. Victor, we got a problem.

              We got a problem.

              Greedy was ambushed...

              by his own fake brother.

              It's like I always say. You can't trust a fake brother.

              OK. Tell him that he can split the   bills with Greedy   and  .

              He doesn't want money.

              That adopted little prick.

              Get him on the phone. Everybody's got a price.

              Six hundred. - No, thank you.

              Eight hundred? - No, thank you.

              A thousand.

              No means no, Mr. Victor.

              Do you remember the balance beam?


              If it wasn't for me, you'd have no dismount, and you know it.

              I don't want your dirty money.

              We're screwed.

              We're not screwed.

              Who was the hottest girl at camp?


              Who had the best body, the biggest tits...

              the sweetest smell? Come on. Give me something.

              Allison Westbrook.

              She smelled...


              Handsome, you're a genius.

              I'm gonna promise the kid a hand job.

              Are you crazy?

              That's what we're doing, right? We're selling sex?

              No, my friends.

              We're selling romance!


              The kid's only fifteen. He wants the whole package.

              He wants to go horseback riding on the beach.

              He wants a candlelit dinner.

              He wants to sip champagne with her in a hot tub.

              I would love to sip champagne in a hot tub.

              You guys are so very, very wrong.

              Just trust me.

              We didn't even know Allison. We didn't know her phone number.

              We didn't know where she lived. But we knew how to lie.

              Do you remember Allison Westbrook?

              I think about her all the time.

              She smelled like a moist flower.

              Well, then it's your lucky day...

              because she is a close personal friend of mine...

              and I was just talking to her a few minutes ago...

              on the phone, and she said that she'd be willing...

              to go horseback riding with you on the beach...

              and to have a candlelight dinner with you...

              and sit in a tub and drink champagne.

              I don't know, man.

              How about a hand job?

              Two hand jobs...

              and a dry hump.


              That's one horny little bastard.



              Say I didn't get the test.

              He didn't get the test. - What?

              All right. Now don't say anything.

              Just listen.

              I got the test, and it was beautiful.

              I get to the house...

              and Horny and Greedy are both there waiting for me.

              Mr. Victor.

              My brother has something he wants to tell you.

              I want what he wants.

              I was blown away.

              Turns out Greedy is just as horny as Horny.

              I knew it.

              So I renegotiate.

              Here's the new plan.

              I want you to get everybody out of there.

              Tell them the party's over. - Explain.

              There's no way we're gonna get away with this...

              with six different people. Somebody's bound to screw it up.

              This is the smart move. You know what?

              You got twenty minutes to get everybody out of there...

              so we can look up the answers together.

              Just you and me.


              I just couldn't screw everybody like that.

              Oh, really?

              I'll take it right now.

              You're angry.

              But now...

              is not the time to deal with that anger.

              So, put your shirt back on and let's go look up answers.

              You're a real idiot, Napplebee, you know that?

              You're not in charge of me, Victor.

              I am in charge. I got the test. That means I'm in charge.


              Cribmaster or Applebee.

              Not Napplebee.


              Victor's right. You can't crib with this many people.

              It's too risky.

              Tonight, we sing.

              I don't sing. I crib.

              Tonight, everybody sings. Nobody cribs.

              Who died and made you Victor, king of cheaters?

              At least I'm actually a cheater.

              What are you saying? I'm a cheater!

              No, you're not!

              You're not a cheater. You just write small.

              I don't wanna hurt you...

              but maybe...


              Let him go, Rexler.

              Hit me.

              You have to hit him now.

              OK? Those are the rules.

              Did you look at my file?

              You have to hit him.

              Did you see the thing about my penis?

              I'm not gonna let you get hurt. OK? I promise. Just hit him.

              Hit me. Hit me!

              What's it gonna be, Nipplebee? Hit me!

              I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I got angry, confused, scared.

              So we looked up the answers...

              and we finished making up the song...

              but something was missing. At least, for me it was.

              See, I started cheating when I was six years old...

              but this was the first time I ever cheated without Sammy.


              Crippled elves do dance around

              A devil covered by blue dress

              I'm in no mood for Beethoven.

              It's not Beethoven. It's the answer song.

              We got the test.

              Congratulations, but I really just want to go back to sleep.

              Dairy causes diarrhea

              Chunky, creamy butter cheese

              See you at school.

              Wait, wait, wait. Seriously, wait.

              Bad Billy does dope

              Bitches and brews

              But can't even build a cigarette...

              Crippled elves do dance around

              A devil covered by blue dress

              Dairy causes diarrhea

              Chunky, creamy butter cheese

              Bad Billy does dope, bitches, and brews

              But can't even build a cigarette boat

              Allah bangs booze every day

              Above a bridge behind a cave

              Nobody left too early. Nobody got too many right.

              Everything was going perfectly. It was a cheating miracle.

              Carpet crawler can't eat eagle

              Before chicken during day

              Time's up, everyone.

              If I see anyone writing on their papers now...

              I will put seven Fs in the grade book.

              It seemed too good to be true.

              Sammy, Victor...

              Mrs. Stark would like to see you.

              I assumed after I handed down my punishment to you...

              that you would've been smart enough...

              to leave cheating behind you.

              My sources tell me that's exactly what you have done.

              I am so proud of you.

              Especially you, Sammy, for starting the student court.

              And here are your red letters.

              I want you to keep them as souvenirs.

              You know, I am no stranger to rebellion.

              When I was your age and we used to pile into the phone booth...

              I was always at the bottom of the pile.


              To the myth of the permanent record.

              I'll drink to that.

              Mr. Victor, this is Horny.

              My brother and l are very interested...

              in collecting what is rightfully ours.

              If you do not make good on your offer...

              we will have no choice but to--

              to continue calling.

              As we got closer to graduation, the only thing...

              that mattered anymore was getting into college.

              You see, the thick envelope means you're in...

              and the thin envelope means you are screwed.

              Now, the best part about getting into college...

              is that there's no reason to behave anymore.

              Most teachers just accept it, look the other way...

              but Herman... Herman was different.

              You kids are so naive.

              What you don't realize is that your college acceptances...

              are contingent upon your final high school transcript.

              Don't screw with me...

              because this grade book can keep you out of college.

              I hate that grade book.

              That grade book is a Shapiro.

              You can't say that. The grade book is a thing.

              Yeah, but it has Shapiro power.

              Yes, it does.

              It does, indeed.

              You're late, Mr. Green. That's an "F" for the day.

              But I wasn't late. I was here. I just--

              That's another "F" for talking back.

              Now, I have to leave class to make a personal call.

              I suggest you use the time wisely.

              There might be a quiz tomorrow.

              My name is Mrs. Herman.

              I'm a bitch.

              She could come back any second.

              Take it easy, Shapiro.

              The "F."

              For twelve years...

              they have been using the "F."

              Twelve years...

              of us doing stuff we don't want to do...

              all because of the "F."

              So, what happens?

              We finally make it to the finish line...

              and this bitch tries to use the "F" one last time.

              You know what? "F" the "F."

              I'm taking all the Fs away.

              All right, Davis.

              Send it. - What?

              The grade book. Throw me the grade book.

              Let's do it, man.

              Let's get rid of all the grades: "A" through "F."

              They are the tools of the enemy.

              Come on, man.

              Don't do it.

              Don't tell me what to do.

              No more Fs.

              No more Fs.

              I thought I could treat you like adults...

              but you're not. You're animals... uncivilized animals.

              Do you people have any idea how much time I spend...

              giving out grades...

              grading your papers, grading your exams...

              grading your homework assignments?

              That grade book is my life.

              Dude, we just pissed on her life.

              If I don't have that book by tomorrow morning...

              no more senior trip.

              No Yankee game, no "Death of a Salesman."

              Jesus, man. Everybody wanted that trip.

              It's only a matter of time before somebody talks.


              are the way we maintain order in this institution.

              This morning, on my way into my office...

              I noticed a letter that had been slipped under my door.

              "Dear Mrs. Stark...

              "last Tuesday...

              "l, along with twenty fellow students...

              "witnessed the taking of Mrs. Herman's grade book.

              "lt is unfair for an entire class to be punished...

              "for the sins of an individual.

              "And that individual is...

              "Victor Barone."

              Signed, "Anonymous."

              Why are you telling me this?

              This has nothing to do with me.

              Because I am tired of playing the cop.

              I want the student court to handle this.

               The student court's really busy right now.

                I always thought that the four of us would be friends forever.

                You have it cleaned up by graduation.

                But Stark finally figured out a way to tear us apart.

                Whoever did this...

                did this...

                so they could see me go down. - I'll handle this.

                Now, Applebee, this is serious.

                Did you write the letter?

                This is the United States of America.

                What are you talking about?

                The letter doesn't really mean anything on its own...

                but I'm gonna have to interview everyone...

                that was there that day.

                If one person goes on record that they saw you take it...

                you're finished.

                That'll be my job. To make sure no one testifies.

                OK, but I don't know anything about that.

                I understand.

                What are we gonna do about Applebee?

                I'll take care of Napplebee.

                I'll kick his ass.

                I don't want you doing anything.

                I don't want you talking to anybody. Just be cool.

                Sammy's right. You gotta stay cool.

                I gotta say, it feels great to be back in business with you.

                Yeah, really great.

                You're pathetic. - I'm pathetic?

                I'm not the one who worked her ass off...

                and then got rejected by Tufts.

                Honestly, Handsome...

                I would love to see you guys go down.

                All of you.

                I'm sorry you feel that way, Julie.

                But let me paint you a little picture.


                they call your name.

                You're on your way to pick up your diploma.

                Then you hear your classmates chanting something.

                You can't make it out at first, but...

                it starts to get louder and louder.

                "Julie is a rat."

                "Julie is a rat."

                Please just state your name for the record.

                This is such a joke.

                Just state your name for the record.

                You're a joke.

                This is awesome. Nobody talked. We're in the clear.

                Are we?

                Now, Victor was famous...

                for having some pretty crappy plans...

                but this one had to be the crappiest.


                And I didn't see because that morning...

                I had woken up with an eye infection.

                Sometimes I get them.

                I want to go on the record right now.

                What? - I want to do this right now.

                Victor is gonna destroy you.

                Well, hallelujah.

                Why do you want to do this to yourself?


                My name...

                is not Napplebee.



                It's not Applebutt.

                Please state your name for the record.

                My name...

                is Jonathan Jacob Applebee.

                I am gonna bash that kid's head in...

                with a hammer.

                If the jury finds you guilty, which they will...

                you're gonna be expelled.

                Stark won't even let you walk at graduation.

                My parents are gonna kill me.

                There is another way.

                I have the authority to offer you a deal.

                You know, he's never seen karate...

                Iike my karate.

                There's not gonna be any karate.

                You get an "F" in the class...

                but the "F" won't go on your final transcript.

                It won't?

                No. You get to go to graduation, then you make up the class...

                in summer school. It'll be like it never happened.

                But you have to give a full confession.

                I'm gonna choke him to death.

                Then, after he stops breathing...


                Victor never got to do any karate...

                but he sure did sing like a canary.

                I couldn't believe it.

                He decided to rat me out, and Stark had finally won.

                My punishment, well, my punishment...

                was the same as Victor's. We could go to graduation...

                but we wouldn't get our diplomas till after summer school.

                Was I angry about it? Of course I was.

                But no one was as angry as Horny or Greedy.

                Mr. Victor, this is your last chance.

                My last chance?

                For what?

                The deal.

                You guys don't get it, do you?

                It's never gonna happen.

                You lose.

                I win.

                You know what, Victor?

                You can shit on our fantasies.

                You can beat the crap out of us.

                You can remind us that we're not really brothers.

                But at least we're not rats.

                Everyone knows who you are.

                Even Shapiro.

                Back at the beginning of the year...

                the four of us were best friends.

                By the time we got to graduation...

                things had fallen apart. Sammy had gotten soft...

                Victor and Applebee had turned into rats...

                and everybody, well, everybody was blaming me.

                Listen, Sammy.

                Have a nice life.

                And now, to give out the awards in math and science...

                I call to the podium Alex Harkin.

                Love you, Mr. Harkin.

                This is my favorite part about being a teacher.

                I wasn't gonna necessarily be a teacher...

                but l, as you know, became one...

                and the winner of the award...

                for outstanding achievement in chemical science is...

                Julie Merkle.

                Come on up here, Julie.

                I'm sorry.

                Not your fault.

                I'm sorry that I looked at your file.

                The award... the winner of the award...

                for outstanding achievement in physics is...

                one of my favorite students...

                Handsome Davis.

                Come on up here, Handsome.

                OK. I admit it.

                I stole the midterm...

                I took my dad's porn...

                I flirted with Mr. Harkin, I broke the ceiling...

                I lied to the fake brothers, I looked at Applebee's file...

                I read the thing about his penis...

                I pissed on the grade book...

                and I pissed off all of my friends.

                But you know what?

                When the four of us were cheating together...

                it was the sweetest thing I ever knew.

                It was horseback riding on the beach...

                a candlelight dinner, champagne in a hot tub.

                He's my hero. - I agree.

                Stark did everything she could to ruin graduation for us...

                but, actually, it ended up as one of our greatest victories.

                Cheated on the midterm.

                Take it right now.

                Cheater! - Cheated on the midterm.

                Because it wasn't just me who won that award.

                It was for Sammy for winning that spelling bee...

                and it was for Applebee for writing crazy small...

                and it was for Victor...

                for knowing how to deal with adopted kids.

                You see, cheating is what made the four of us famous--

                the most famous cheaters in North Point history.

                Everything is bullshit.

                It is what it is.

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