The Cookout Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Cookout script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie written by and starring Queen Latifah.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Cookout. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Cookout Script

            Yo, Todd,   where the floods at?

            Yeah, Todd, is the flood   coming this way?

            Bling and Wheezer,   quit horsing around.

            Get to class.

            Don't listen to them.   They're stupid.

            Yeah, l know.

            Don't worry.   l'll always be there...

            for you, Todd Andersen.   Doo-doo head.

            Thanks, Becky.

            Todd, how does it   feel to have...

            all of the experts   picking you...

            to go first   in the draft?

            Broke, from bribing   all those experts.

            No, no, l'm just playing.

            No, seriously,   l'm honored...

            that people love   my game that much.

            But there will be   a lot of good players...

            in the draft tomorrow...

            and the first pick   could be anybody.

            Now, Todd,   you were raised...

            in the ghetto,   the hood...

            dragged up   in the streets...

            after your father   abandoned you and your mother.

            My dad never left.   He's right here.

            This is my dad.

            No government cheese?

            No welfare?


            My parents   worked very hard...

            to pay the bills   and keep clothes on my back.

            So, Mr. And Mrs. Andersen...

            once Todd is selected   in the draft...

            he stands   to make millions.

            Do you think things will   change for your family?

            We're a down-home   kind of people.

            We raised Todd to know...

            that family values are more   important than money.

            What about alcoholism...

            drug abuse,   the smoke, the drink?

            Domestic violence?



            Tomorrow will probably be...

            a historical day   for your family.

            How do you plan   on celebrating?

            We're gonna celebrate it   the way the Andersens...

            have always celebrated   for generations.

            We're having a family...

            -Cookout!   -Cookout!

            Well, that's all   our time for now.

            Todd, Mr. And Mrs.   Andersen, thank you.

            And good luck   tomorrow in the draft.

            For Sports Time,   l'm A.C. Charles.

            And l'm Pearce Gabriel.

            Good night.

            -What was that?   -Who the...

            You can stop   all that smiling.

            The camera's off.

            The camera loves me, woman.

            l ought to have   my own TV show.

            How was l?

            l didn't come off   too stiff, did l?

            Sanford and JoJo.

            Jojo and the Sex.

            No, baby,   you were fine.

            You go on up   and get some sleep.

            You got a big day tomorrow.

            Everybody loves JoJo.

            l got it! Ah!

            Who wants   to marry JoJo?

            l got a perfect show   for you, JoJo.



            l do not care   what it takes.

            There is no way he's   going to New Jersey.

            Yo, dude, l know l don't have   the number-one pick...

            and that's not   what this is about.

            l want him taking us   to the championship...

            and he can't do that   anywhere else. ls that clear?

            Todd Andersen is coming   to Dallas. Are we straight?

            Get his ass here.

            We are in New York City...

            the mecca   of professional basketball...

            where legends   have been made.

            Live from   Madison Square Garden...

            it's the   th annual   Professional Basketball Draft...

            where the next crop   of young superstars...

            led by  -time All-American   Todd Andersen out of Rutgers...

            will take that next step   into the professional ranks.

            Hi, everybody. l'm Marv Albert   here on the floor...

            with a couple   of the game's best--

            Elton Brand and Baron Davis.

            Now, Elton,   is this kid Todd Andersen...

            as good as the hype...

            and can he turn around   a franchise?

            Well, Marv,   if New Jersey selects...

            Todd Andersen with   the number-one pick...

            they'll be getting a kid   with tons of potential.

            Guys that are in the pros   like myself, Baron Davis...

            we're excited to see   what this kid has...

            and really want   to take it to him.

            A candid statement   from one of the game's best.

            Now, Baron, does New Jersey   keep that number-one pick...

            and take Todd Andersen?

            There's been a lot   of rumors circulating...

            that Mark Cuban   wants to move up...

            and take Todd Andersen   with the number-one pick.

            And we all know that when   Mark Cuban wants something...

            he usually gets it.

            So l'm pretty excited   to see what happens.

            Yes, it is   always interesting...

            to see if Cuban's whatever-   -it-takes attitude pays off.

            We're just moments away...

            for the doors to swing open   for the league's future stars.

            New Jersey   is on the clock.

            We'll be back with that   first pick after these words.

            l got to use   the bathroom again.

            Will you please   just relax? Now come on.

            You're gonna be fine,   all right?

            Todd, no matter   what happens here today...

            no matter what happens...

            you're always   gonna be number one...

            in me and your daddy's eyes.   You hear me?

            That's right.


            Sorry l'm late.

            l had to put on my face...

            in case there's any cameras   or anything.

            Baby, do you like my shoes?   What do you think about them?

            l think that l needed   a really nice pair of heels...

            and these got the little   stiletto thing going on. Cute?


             Meet Brittany.

              Mom? Dad? Oh, it is so nice   to finally meet you.

              l have heard so much   about you guys.

              Oh! l love your scarf.   Who is this by?

              Uh, uh, honey...

              Listen, this is   very odd, honey...

              because we haven't heard   anything about you.

              Oh. Well...

              There will be   so much time...

              for us to get   to know each other.

              You should be   so proud of your son.

              He is amazing.

              He is going to be a big,   rich basketball player.

              Very rich. Come on, honey.   l have some people...

              l want to introduce you to, OK?   Excuse us?

              Jojo? Jojo, who is she?   Where did she come from?

              Where'd she come from?   Where'd she come from?

              She's skankish. She's skankish!   Where did she come from?

              Where did he meet her?   Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord.

              OK, OK. Put the book down.   Put the book down.

              Here we go.   Here we go.

              Uh, please be seated.

              Welcome to the National   Players Draft.

              We're happy to welcome   our potential draft picks...

              and their families.

              Mama, get in here!   This is exciting!


              You think cousin Todd   will introduce me...

              to one of his   baller friends?

              l need help with all   these daggone bills...

              ever since Leon   violated his parole.

              My kids ain't had   no father figure.

              How you-all kids feel...

              about calling   Vince Carter dad?

              Let's begin with the first pick   of the      draft.

              New Jersey picks   Todd Andersen...

              from Rutgers University.

              Yes, baby!   Go ahead, cuz!

              Number one, boy!

              That's my boy! Oh, yeah!

              Come on up here, Todd.


              All right.   Hey, hey, hey, hey.

              Come on. Come on.   Sit down.

              Number one!

              l told you.

              That boy's gonna be   the next Michael Jordan!


              Thank you.   Thank you, sir.

              Got a few things   for you here.

              Try this on for size.


              Aw, my man made it, man.

              Man, cousin Todd   got drafted.


              Damn this war!

              Dog, he was gonna be   the next Dr. J, man.


              Cousin Todd. Why him?

              You're stupid, man.

              So anyway, a sister   comes in the room, right?

              So l'm looking at the ass   like, ooh, l got two.

              This is, like,   a manage or something...

              about to jump off here.

              You know Bling. l'm about   to get it popping. So--

              Hey, yo, Bling!

              Bling, isn't that   your boy Todd?

              Didn't he take your spot   when you had whooping cough?

              l didn't say   whooping cough, man.

              l said l whooped his ass,   and he stole my glory.

              Yo, his pockets is about to be   really swollen right now.

              He's gonna be able   to buy a house.

              He's gonna be able   to buy some new timbs.

              He's gonna be able   to buy a Timex.

              He's gonna be able to buy   an  -track like mine.

              He's gonna be able to buy   a thousand-pack Annihilators.

              Yo, listen, listen.   l got an idea.

              l heard that a pair   of Lebron James sneakers...

              went for   g's on Ebay.

              Alls we got to do...

              is get a pair of   sneakers to Todd--

              Forget that.   We're gonna take...

              a bunch of sneakers   to Todd...

              get him to sign them...

              then we're gonna   put it on Ebay...

              get phat money.

              You understand what   l'm saying now?

              Yeah. You think   he'll do it?

              Do l think he'll do it?

              He better do it...

              unless he wants this   gat in his mouth.

              You said...   You said gat or gut?

              Come on, man.

              l let my moms   hold it today, man.

              Let's go.

              That boy's gonna be   the next Michael Jordan.

              That's right, Pop.

              That's it!

              lf you had spent   a little more time...

              working with your son   on his jump shot...

              maybe he could have been   the next Michael Jordan.

              Ma, come on. Relax, Ma.

              l just want to be a doctor.

              A doctor?

              Boy, doctors   don't make no money...

              unless they're on E.R.

              OK, super.

              Todd, l can get you   $  million...

              if you tattoo   a peacock logo...

              to the back   of your head.


              l'm not tattooing   no peacock...

              on the back   of my head, man.

              Right, right.   That's a bad idea.

              Nonetheless,   with the team contract...

              and other potential   future endorsements...

              you're gonna be in the      to $   million neighborhood.

              ls that gross or net?

              Where did you come from?

              Have we met?   ls she with us?

              Anyway, you're gonna be able   to have more things...

              than you have ever   dreamed of!

              And you're gonna be able...

              to give back   to the community...

              and you're gonna be able   to help your parents...

              just like we always   talked about.

              l love this kid!



              Yes. Excuse me.

              lt's good to know   that even though Todd...

              is getting   his $   million contract...

              he won't forget about   his family values.

              That right?

              Don't go changing   on us, baby.

              l want you to be smart   with your money.

              Come here. You got   something on your face.

              Yeah, Mama can get rid   of any blemish.

              Look, don't worry, Ma.

              All l want to do is   take care of the family.

              l won't change.

              Hey, Jamal,   what up, baby?

              Oh, sh...

              Aw, man.


              Baby T got   his first ride.

              You only got drafted   two days ago...

              and you ran out   and bought that?

              Come on.

              With a DVD player   and a video game?

              Man, get in the car, man.

              What's wrong with you, man?

              Let's get out of here, man.

              My cuz in his   first ride, man.

              What's up, boy?

              Yo, what's up, cuz?

              So l'm telling Todd,   l'm, like, listen.

              You see this here?   This is no good.

              This will never work.   See this...

              This is no good for the shot,   no good for the shot.

              What you got to do is...

              you got to have them   like this.

              You got to spread   your fingers...

              so you get that good   rotation on the ball.

              l taught him all that   right here on this court...

              and look where it got him.

              Ah, stop gaming.   You know Todd Andersen?

              What do you think   l'm sitting here telling you?

              l taught him   everything he knows...

              right here on this court.

              Todd learned from me--   Bling, baby.

              Yo, Wheeze, tell them   how me and Todd go back...

              like cornrows, man.

              So, what's next, cuz?

              You gonna get   a crib in Mount Claire?

              Nah, l ain't   trying to do that.

              l'm trying to stay here   with my peoples.

              This is where l belong.

              This is where they want me.

              Break, break!

              Yo, we got next.

              Todd Andersen.

              What's a rich boy like you   doing around here, man...

              trying to play ball with   his hood brothers, man?

              Come on. Whatever, man.   lt ain't even like that.

              l'm just trying to play   ball with my homeys.

              We already got a team, baby.

              Some real street ballers, baby.

              Nah, nah. Let him play.   Let him play.

              He thinks he's the man, trying   to come out here and show off.

              Needs to be taught a lesson.

              Yo, chill. Why y'all   tripping, man?

              We're just trying   to play ball.

              Y'all know me. l've been playing   ball here my whole life.

              You know what?   l'm tripping, right?

              Yo, ''D'' up, man.   $   million man.

              That's what   l'm talking about.

              Let's do it, baby. Whatever.   Yo, get over there, man.

              Look. Hey.

              l need the sneaks.

              Yo. Give me your sneakers.

              l ain't giving you jack.

              What did you say?

              Give me your sneakers   right now.

              And that goes for all y'all.

              Run your sneaks right now.

              All right, all right.

              My plan's about   to take effect.

              Get these sneakers.   Get that.

              You got it? You got it?   You got that, Wheeze?

              All right, remember   what l taught you now.

              Spread your fingers.   You could be something.

              Give it to them.   Let's go, boys.

              l'm taking your bet!

              Give it to him.   Give it to him.

              Here, boy.

              l know you got me.   l know you got me.

              We'll take that.   Your money's good.

              Let's go.   Let's go, boys.

              What's good?

              That's what   l'm talking about.

              That's what l'm   talking about!

              Play some ''D.''

              l know you got me.

              l'm talking.

              Yo! Hold up!

              Yo! What are you   doing, man?

              You can't foul me   like that!

              What, baby? What?


              Keep walking!

              We're the real warriors!

              You go play ball with   those pimpin' punks!

              And leave your ghetto pass   on the way out!

              l swear. l never   been no sucker, man.

              So what, man? Let's go.

              Yo, Todd Andersen.   My main man.

              Holler at your boy.   lt's Bling, baby.

              Wait. Did he just hit me   with the head nod?


              He didn't just hit me   with the head nod?

              He straight dissed you.

              l told y'all he didn't   know Todd Andersen.

              Can we have   our sneakers back?

              They're my sneakers now.   Get the sneakers, Wheeze.

              Yeah. The sneakers.

              Good evening, Madam.

              A spot of tea?



              What's wrong, baby?

              Jojo, what's this white man   doing in my house?

              Jeeves? Hey, he's   a gift from Todd.

              And that's not all.   Come see.

              What the hell?

              And he got us   a large-screen TV...

              with surround sound   and a picture in a picture.

              Hey, l can watch   Sanford and Son...

              and Todd play ball   at the same time.

              What is that smell?

              Neck bones   and collard greens...

              per Mr. Andersen's request.

              May l be of service   to you, Madam?

              Madam?   You don't know me.

              My name is Emma...

              Lady Em,   or Mrs. Andersen, OK?

              You just stay out   of my way.

              And most importantly,   stay out of my kitchen!

              l don't know about...

              no neck bones   and collard greens.

              As you wish,   Madam Lady Em.

              God, this is insane.

              And why is it   so cold in here?

              Hey, our brand-new   industrial air conditioner.

              Hey, Emma, we don't   have to ever stick...

              to the plastic   on the furniture again.

              Mr. Jojo, sir.


              Neck bones and collard   greens are served.

              Thank you, Jeeves.

              Just find me   some hot sauce...

              and l'll be with you   in a second.

              Tabasco   or Red Rooster, sir?

              Well, how about   a pinch of each?

              Yes, sir.

              Well...ha ha ha!   A pinch of each.

              These are my flowers.   These are mine.

              These are my flowers.   They're my flowers.

              This is my house!   My house!

              This is great.   l'll take it.

              l'll take it.   l'll take it.

              This is so exciting!

              Your parents are gonna   love this house.

              They're gonna be so happy   that you're finally moving out.

              Yes! Whoo!

              Yeah. l'm sure   my mom's gonna be ecstatic...

              about me moving out.

              Ha! There's my boy!

              Up! Aah!

              Damn, you got big.

              Hey, look, thanks   for the Jacob, Big Pimpin'.

              No problem, Dad.

              And how are you, love?

              Oh, l'm fine. How are you?

              Did Todd tell you   about the house?

              What house?

              Oh. Well, Todd got, um...

              us a house.

              lt's beautiful.

              Jojo, this is   going too fast.

              No, no, no.   Now, JoJo.

              lt's going too fast for me.

              This is all going   too fast for me!

              Baby, the boy is grown.

              We knew this was   gonna happen.

              And besides, you wouldn't want   one of them hoods out there...

              taking a shot at him   out of jealousy, right?

              Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Hey, hey.

              Wait a minute. Wait here.   Come off him.

              Go in there. Go in there.   l need to talk to you.


              l don't know, man.

              Son, you need   to slow down.

              What? You don't like   all the gifts?

              That's not the point.   l'm concerned...

              about how you're   spending your money.

              Mama, l'm gonna be fine.

              l just got off   the phone with Wes.

              He said l'll be worth   more than $   million...

              when my contract goes through   and the season starts.

              ''When.''   Don't you mean ''if''?

              What if you break a leg?

              You think it's gonna   be all good then?

              And what's this girl...

              talking about   ''Bought us a house''?

              That girl ain't your wife.

              l don't think   she meant it like that.

              Yeah. Well, what exactly   did she mean by ''us''?

              You planning on   marrying that girl?

              l don't...l don't know.

              lt's all good.   We...we...

              We just like...   We kickin' it, like...

              Kickin' it.

              What's ''kickin' it'' mean?

              Your daddy and l have   been married    years.

              We ain't never kicked it.

              So, what you   want me to do, Ma?

              You do what   you want to do.

              You're a grown man.

              l just wanted to go   on record saying...

              that l don't like it.

              Come on, Ma.

              Mommy, you're still   my number-one lady.

              That's never gonna change.

              Don't come over here   with all that.

              Ma, come on.   OK, look, look.

              Let me make it up to you.

              Let me make it up to you.

              Why don't you decorate   my new house?

              Come on. Please. Please.

              Now, wait a minute.   Wait a minute.

              Wait a minute.   That's an idea.

              OK. You know   what l'm saying?

              Just do it   the way you do it.

              You know how you do, Ma.

              Come on, Ma.

              l don't want that nasty girl   hanging around up there.

              All right. Come here.

              Ha ha. With your   big old self.

              Ah, l love you, Mommy.

              l love you, too, baby.

              What did l tell you   about coming around here? Huh?

              l told you,   don't come around here...

              breaking the rules, right?

              l mean, can't you read?   The sign says...

              ''No soliciting,'' OK?

              Now, go and sell your cookies   somewhere else.

              What is with these kids?   They push me. They push me.


              What you got?   Slim mints right there?

              Let me get a box   of them slim mints.

              All right. Go. Go on.   Get the hell out of here.

              l don't want   to catch you around here...

              till you come back   with some shortbreads.

              Scourge of the nation.

              Uh-uh. What?

              Hey! Hey, wait!   Come back here!

              Come back here!   Don't make me break the glass.

              What is this, son--   a hotel or a house?

              A house. A house.

              But it has   bedrooms   and    bathrooms! Whoo!


              Why you need    bathrooms?   You only got one ass.

              -Jojo.   -Sorry.

              Todd, honey, you sure   this is the house for you?

              l mean, maybe you need   to look a little longer...

              find something a little closer   to your parents.

              No, no, no. This is it.

              This is right.

              This is so right.

              Come on.   Let's go inside.

              Let's look   at it. Come on!

              Hey, hey, hey!   What you got, champ?

              Come on. Ow! Ow! OK.

              Not the face.   Not the face.

              Oh, my. Come on.   Come on, Guinevere.

              Come on!

              Ah! Ah!

              Honey! Call Security!

              l just saw some Negroes!

              What did you say?

              l said l just   saw a gang...

              You know...yo!

              Of Negroes   across the street.



              And l think they were   hurting a white man.

              Good Lord. l'll call   Security at once.

              Hold me, Holstead.   Hold me.


              Hold me.

              Oh, yes, Judge Crowley.   l understand completely.

              l am on it.   l'm on it.

              l'll take care of it.   Nope, don't worry about a thing.

              All right.

              Damn it.

              Take care of my baby   first, though.

              First got to take care   of my baby.

              Ha ha ha!   Hey, this is nice!

              Whoo! Damn.   This is big!

              Whoo! Hey!

              l know where we're gonna be   having our next cookout.

              Jojo, come on now.

              The boy just   moved in here.

              Come on now.

              lt's cool, Ma.   This house is for all of us.

              Having the cookout here   would be a great idea.

              Matter of fact,   let's have it this Saturday.

              Excu--excuse me.

              ls that a purple diamond?

              Oh. Why, yes, it is.   You guys like?

              lt's something that me   and Todd picked up.

              Oh, you guys, look.

              l have matching   earrings, too.

              Oh, yeah. Yeah,   they're really nice.

              Todd, come on.   We got to talk.

              OK. Ma, look, you're   in charge, right?

              Do your thing.

              The tip from the Crowleys   was correct.

              l have a visual   on the suspects.

              What are you doing?

              What do you mean,   what am l doing?

              This house, the cars,   the jewelry, the Brittany.

              You can't afford   any of this stuff.

              Wes, Wes, Wes, Wes.

              l just got   $   million, man.

              l'm rich!

              lt's $   million...

              but it's $   million   spread over   years.

              You haven't even gotten   a paycheck yet.

              The season doesn't start   for another three months.

              Hey, l am not fronting you   the cash for this stuff, OK?

              Ha ha. Wes, why are   you bugging, man?

              Let me enjoy the moment.

              Enjoy the moment,   but return this crap.

              Yeah. At least until...

              l can officially lock in   some endorsements for you.

              People just saw me   on national TV...

              getting drafted   the other day.

              Now they're supposed   to see me returning...

              thousands of dollars'   worth of stuff...

              like l smoked up   all my money?

              l'm not a crackhead, Wes.

              You need to get me some   endorsements or something.

              All right, l'll get them...

              but just hold off   for a while, OK?

              l mean, just think   about it, please.

              Yo! Who that?

              Excuse me.   Can l help you?

              OK, OK, OK, buddy.

              Just remain calm.   Just calm down.

              Subject is being   belligerent.

              May have to subdue   with choke hold. Request backup.

              Yo, what the hell?

              Are you OK, sir?

              Just blink once if yes.

              l'm fine. l'm fine.

              ls he forcing you   to say that?


              l live here.   This is my house.

              Yeah, right, you live here.   Negro, please.

              Look, l got keys--

              Hold it!

              Don't! Don't!

              l'll spray your ass.

              Please don't spray his ass.

              Lady, lady, this   is his house.

              This is Todd Andersen...

              New Jersey's   number-one pick.

              l'll light his ass up.   Let me look at you.

              Oh, that is you, huh?


              You look younger in person.

              How you doing?

              Good. l'm good, actually.

              Well, look here.   We don't play...

              that ghetto nonsense   around here.

              No chicken heads,   no hood rats...

              no   -ouncers...

              no rims-on spinners...

              and no loud music.

              This ain't no Ludacris   video set.

              And keep them ho's away.

              You don't have   any chicken heads...

              or ho's, do you?

              Now you want to move   to your parents' house?

              lt's looking a lot   better, isn't it?

              This is what you got to   deal with out in the...

              Oh, she got the Bible.

              What is this?

              Garden Ridge Estates   Rules and Regulations.

              All four volumes.

              l suggest   you learn them.

              You all right, sir?   l'm sorry to startle you.

              You have a lovely day.

              -You have a great day.   -Thanks for all your help.

              l got my eye on you.

              l still see you.

              You feel safe now?

              Yeah. l'm great.

              Come on now. Come on.

              Be careful with   them boxes now, baby.

              Yo, Ma, this is dope!   You did your thing in here!

              You like it, baby?

              Yeah, l like it!   This is crazy!

              l'm glad you like it.

              Come give   your mama a kiss.

              Thank you, Mommy.

              Look here.

              You see how your mama   put all your pictures...

              under the glass?

              This way, you can look   at all your pictures...

              at one time.

              Check this out, man.

              OK, look. This is my cousin   Leroy right here, right?

              He failed the bar nine times.

              Still gives legal advice.


              Oh, look. And there goes   Jasper and Jerome.

              They are real country.

              Who's this little   girl right here...

              with the funny-   looking teeth?

              Oh, that's   my best friend--Becky.

              Yeah.   Oh, that's Becky.

              And look here. Now   that's them in the tub.

              Whoa. Chill.   We was just cool.

              lt wasn't even like that.

              Yo, but l wonder if those   braces ever fixed her teeth.

              You seen her?

              Why? So both of you...

              can take a splish-splash   in your brand-new tub?

              Oh, come on, baby.   lt wasn't even like that.

              Stop. Stop. Come on.

              Come on now. That's   enough of all of that.

              Come on. We're going   to see the bedroom.

              You, come on.

              My old bedroom set!


              Your mother thought   it might help ease...

              your transition from moving   out of the house.

              Thank you, Mom.

              Oh, look.

              Little kiddie,   sporty...

              Bed sheets. Yay!

              Ain't they the bomb?

              Maybe we can just wear...

              the matching little kiddie   pajamas with it, too.

              l'd rather be dead   than sleep in this.


              Hey, honey.   ls Todd there?



              Todd, get up!

              What? What?

              The phone is for you.


              Hey, Todd. lt's me--Wes.

              You awake, buddy?   l got some good news.

              Come on. Get your butt   out of bed.

              What's up, man?

              Cynthia Peters, the head   of Stone Mountain Wireless,

              is interested in meeting you   for an endorsement.

              For real?

              Yes! She wants   to meet you A.S.A.P.

              What? Are you too busy?

              No, no, no, no.   l'm available.

              l can do it.   Are you serious?

              Yes, l'm serious!

              l'm gonna have her come   by your house Saturday morning.

              Yo, listen, man.   Whenever she can do it...

              l'm here. Just do it.

              We'll do the meeting...

              first thing Saturday morning   with Ms. Peters.

              Then you'll have the rest   of the afternoon...

              for the cookout   with your parents.

              Talk to you later.

              l'll see you Saturday.   You're rich! You're rich!

              OK, bye. Bye.   Baby, that was Wes.

              Stone Mountain Wireless...

              is considering me   as a spokesperson...

              for their family   time campaign.

              Oh, man!

              Whoo! One of the reps is   coming over this Saturday...

              to meet me, baby.


              Yo, what did you do   with all my mom's stuff?

              Oh, baby, look.

              Everything that   your mom tried to do...

              was really great   and everything...

              but l just think that it was   a little bit too down-home...

              and baby, what you need   is a hip, progressive image.

              Focus. Focus.

              Hey, don't worry   about the house, OK?

              Ms. Peters is gonna   be here any second.

              You need to sell her on you.

              On you, babe.

              OK, look. Whatever it takes   to get this deal.

              But as soon as she leaves,   l want all this stuff...

              back the way it was   before my mom gets here.

              And you might want   to return this.

              No! That cock cost me   a lot of money to get.

              You've got a giant cock   in your kitchen.

              lt's ridiculous.


              l miss you.

              l miss you more.

              l miss you more.

              Lil Dee?   Who the hell is Lil Dee?

              What's good, chief?

              What was that--   Public Enemy?

              Are you addressing me,   young man?

              lf you are, it is   Judge Holstead Crowley...

              not chief.

              Hey, man,   l'm Todd Andersen...

              your new neighbor.   Good to see...

              another brother in   the neighborhood, man.


              You're not any   relations of mine.


              l just wanted   to come over here...

              and invite you   to a cookout.

              Thank you for the invitation,   but l will not be coming...

              to your...cookout.

              And keep it down.

              lt's one thing for you   to call me out my name.

              lt's a whole nother thing...

              for you to call me   some other trick's name.

              Don't make me break the glass.   l got to go.

              l'll deal with you later.

              Hey! Yo! Hey! Hey!

              Whoa! Stop!

              l'll do the talking, man.

              Do l look good?

              You look phat.

              Step out of the car.

              Step out of the car?

              l'm not stepping   out of the car.

              You're a rent-a-cop,   fool. Ha ha!

              A rent-a-cop?


              l'll have you know   l passed...

              the marksmanship exam   with a perfect score.

              l passed the physical   endurance test...

              in record time.

              And l passed   the written test...

              in the top   first percentile.

              That's all the way   at the top, OK?

              Now, just because   l wasn't able...

              to pass some   psychological exam...

              don't mean l don't   have no authority.

              l'll break the glass   on your ass.

              She crazy.

              Next time,   at the gate, OK?

              Yeah. How stupid.

              Don't just   drive through. Stop.

              Carry your dumb asses on.

              Man, let's get   to cousin Todd's house, man.

              Hey, what are   you guys making?

              We do not ''make.''

              Ham-fisted   day labowers make.


              Labowers. The workers.

              We are artists, yes?


              They create.

              OK. So, what are   you creating?


              What the heck   is a labower?

              l don't know.

              Just focus, OK?   Ms. Peters is--

              ls here.

              Look. Just be cool,   be yourself.

              lf you feel like   you're losing her...

              tell her some sob story   about how hard life was...

              growing up in the hood.

              White liberals love   ''the poor kid...

              from the ghetto   doing good'' rap...

              even though lverson   almost killed it.

              All right, relax, smile,   look pretty.

              Hello, Ms. Peters.   Come on in.

              Ms. Peters, it is so nice   to finally meet you.

              The pleasure   is all mine.

              l must say...

              you have a lovely home,   and l especially like...

              the way you've   decorated it.

              Thank you.

              You were talking   to Todd. Ha ha.

              Wes Reilly.   Come on in.

              Let's get you   a nice cool beverage, OK?

              Did someone just ask   where their bitches are?

              What's crackin',   lackey cousin?

              Willie, Nelson...

              what the hell   are you doing here?

              Saturday. We came   for the cookout.

              No, no, no, no, no.

              Yo, man, where   the grubbles at?

              We got the munchies   like a mug, man.

              Look, man, forget it.

              You don't mind, do you?

              No. Go right ahead.

              Check this out, baby.   Just like...mmm.

              That just tastes,   like, good.

              Now, that is good.

              Like a nice piece   of white bread. Mmm!

              With a little bit   of butter on it.

              OK, Wes, we've got to   reschedule this meeting.

              Not gonna happen.

              Their new ad campaign   is starting this week.

              We've got to   lock you in today.

              No, no, no. l don't think   you quite understand.

              This is just the beginning.

              Todd's family is like the   black Beverly Hillbillies.

              So unless she's   trying to sell...

              pig lips   and some gold teeth...

              she's not gonna want him.

              You sure you don't   want none of this?

              No, no. Really, l'm...

              Willie, Nelson...

              why don't you come   outside with me?

              l want to show you something.

              You ain't got to   ask me twice.

              Just follow me.   And get up.

              All rightie, then.

              So, Ms. Peters--

              no need   for small talk, OK?

              Todd is good-looking.   He's charming. He's likable.

              He could sell an ice cube   to an eskimo.

              l'm sure he can...

              but we're not looking   for a salesman.

              What we need is   a young, enthusiastic--

              l see Todd done   made some changes.

              Yeah. Well, it was all   my idea for the style...

              but l just wanted to really   capture Todd's tastes.

              Oh, hold up, you guys.

              Now, l'm the tour.

              Congratulations   on all your new taste.

              Mom, l'd like you   to meet Ms. Peters.

              Ms. Peters   is considering me...

              as a spokesperson   for Stone Mountain phones.


              Nice to meet you,   Ms. Peters.

              You're gonna love Todd.

              He's quite the actor.

              Even if he doesn't   like something...

              you'll think he does.

              Hey, guess who we   must have talked up.


              She stopped me   in the grocery store.

              l invited her   to the cookout.

              Oh, great. l can't   wait to see her.

              Good! Good! Becky's coming!

              More visitors! Fantastic!

              How does she look?

              Did the braces   do anything for her?

              You'll see   when she gets here.

              You guys are staying   for the cookout, right?

              We're having   a cookout today.

              Excuse me. l got to get   that grill running.

              And this is our--   l mean Todd's garage.

              What do you guys think?

              Wouldn't mind   parking in that...

              every day   of the week. Man!

              You thinking   what l'm thinking?

              ls that Todd's bedroom set?

              Um...that's the old one.

              You see,   we got a new one.

              You know, this   endorsement is just...

              really important   for Todd and l...

              and we just   wanted to make sure...

              that we made a good   impression on Ms. Peters.

              Brittany, listen, honey.

              How would you like   to be a big hit...

              with the family   at the cookout?


              No, no, no.   A really big hit.

              Goody! A project?

              Well, what can l do?

              OK. l want you to run   up to Teaneck...

              and get me a ham   for my greens.

              Will you do that for me?

              lsn't Teaneck   like an hour away?

              Yeah, that's   an hour away...

              but that ham   is Todd's favorite.

              And listen here.   lf you go up there...

              and get that now...

              Todd might buy you   something special.

              You think so?

              l know he will.

              Thank you, Auntie Em.   Anything that you say.

              This means so much to me.   You don't even know.

              The rooms are upstairs.   Pool's out back.

              Make yourselves at home.

              And tell Todd   l'll be right back.

              Uh-huh. All right.   All right.

              Thank you.

              Yeah, you go ahead on now.


              Doggie.   l see you, doggie.

              Pretty doggie.

              You are pretty, doggie.   l love you, doggie.

              Yo! Get your ass up   off the floor!


              Get up!

              Can l help you fellas?

              As a matter of fact,   you can.

              Let me get these   cakes and, um...

              everything in the register!

              l want cash, coins...

              food stamps,   everything, man.

              Hey, yo, Bling.

              Your man is   all over the place.

              Not right now, Wheeze.

              l'm in the middle   of something.

              lt's a nice picture   of him, too.

              Let me see this.

              Mr. Big Shot.

              Yeah. This is good.

              Where can l find   this house right here?

              Does anybody know   where Todd keeps his lard?


              Oh, my God.   Oh, l feel dizzy.

              Olivier, my temples--   rub them vigorously.

              See what you have done?

              What are you doing?

              You know, l don't know   who you think you are--

              Who l am?   You tell her who l am.

              OK. He is Sven from Prague...

              internationally   renowned master chef--

              mein chefmeister--

              child prodigy...

              graduate of Le Cordon Bleu...

              at age nine.

              Now, he is fluent in the   cuisine of over     nations...

              and known in   the culinary world...

              as the Picasso of pate...

              the Van Gogh of veal...

              and the Michelangelo of meat.

              Van hock.

              And this is   Lady Em of Newark.

              She has been   cleaning chitterlings...

              since she was six...

              and she is known   throughout the hood...

              as the Patti Labelle   of pork...

              the Billie Holiday   of hot links...

              the Aretha Franklin   of fried chicken.

              l cannot work like this!


              Dramatic exit.

              Wait. Wait. Where   are you guys going?

              Sven cannot work   under these conditions!

              What conditions?

              The woman in the kitchen...

              the Patti Labelle of pork--

              she is the Coolio   of canned meat.

              l'm gonna go talk to her   right now, and it'll be fine.

              You guys, please,   please don't leave.

              Oh, quickly, go.

              Thank you.

              This cousin Todd's house?

              How y'all doing?   What's up, cousin Todd?

              Jasper, Jerome, why? Why?

              Here's your ham.

              What happened?

              Baby, Sven and Olivier left.

              They were supposed to cook   brunch for Ms. Peters.

              What am l   supposed to do now?

              Look, l raised you and half   your cousins on my cooking.

              Now, if it's good   enough for them...

              it's good enough for her.

              Now, y'all get   that animal outside...

              and skin him. Go ahead.

              You're dropping brain   all over the floor.

              Yes, ma'am.

              That's our homemade   slip-n-slide.

              Pick him up.

              Homemade slip-n-slide.

              Uh, Brittany.


              Low-sodium ham?

              What's this, baby?

              lt's healthier ham,   and it's better for Todd...

              because he needs   to stay in shape.

              Do you know what   a healthy cookout is?

              No, no, no. Don't   answer that question.

              Because there's   no such thing...

              as a healthy cookout.

              Look around this counter.

              You see anything healthy?

              Look at this.


              Macaroni and cheese--   sodium.

              Greens--sodium,   black-eyed peas--sodium...

              potato salad--sodium.

              Sodium, sodium,   sodium! OK?

              And as for Todd...

              that boy's eaten   so much sodium...

              he could crap a salt lick.

              Didn't keep him out of   the pros, now did it?

              Little Brittany,   l need a ham.

              And l want that ham   to be...what?


              With sodium.


              Good girl.

              Excuse me.

              May l have a glass of--

              Ms. Peters!

              Help me, Jesus.

              Quick now. And don't forget   my cast-iron pot...

              because Lady Em gonna try   to outdo my cornbread...

              as if she could.

              Come on, Ma.   Why does everything...

              between you and Auntie Em   have to be a competition?

              Honey, there is   no competition...

              because l'm better   than she is.

              Now get in the house.

              Frank, shake a tailfeather.

              Give me a hand, Grandpa?

              Nope. My hands are   already filled, son.

              Ho. Ho. Ho.

              Stop right there.

              Stop, you, right there.

              Look, cut the engine off...

              but don't turn off that record.   That's my jam.

              Yo, l'm here   to see Todd Andersen.

              Oh, no, l don't   think so. He's over.

              He's over? What you mean?   He lives here, don't he?

              Well, see, regulation   -B,   subsection   clearly states...

              that residents are allowed   a limited number of visitors.

              You mean to tell me l can't   even see my own cousin?

              That's exactly   what l'm saying.

              All right, you know what?

              Listen up, rent-a-cop.

              You don't even have a gun.

              You have a flashlight,   all right?

              l didn't drive all the way   up here for nothing.

              You see these babies   in this car?

              They needs a daddy.

              A...baller. Swoosh.

              So what l'm gonna   need you to do

              is run on over to that little   phone booth over there...

              pick up that phone,   call my cousin Todd...

              and tell him Lil Dee   is at the gate.

              Wait. Hold up.   Did you say Lil Dee?

              Yes, l did.

              Do you know   Marquis Fontaineau?

              Light skin   with the good hair?

              Yeah, l know him.

              You know my daddy?

              Aw, hell, no!

              Let's roll.

              Marquis, l thought you said   you didn't know Lil Dee.

              l met her. l seen her.   l seen your damn baby.

              l could be wrong,   but l think you're...

              getting a little heavy   up on the family.

              l mean, a few adds charm...

              but this is   starting to look...

              like a rerun of Good Times.

              Mama couldn't make it.

              You know,   her rheumatoid arthritis...

              started flaring up   in that left elbow.

              So l had to give her   an icy-hot patch.

              She said she'd   see you next time.

              l told you   to reschedule it, man.

              Just go handle Ms. Peters.   l'll take care of this.

              All right. All right.

              Daddy! Daddy!   Daddy! Daddy!

              Um, Todd, do you   want to do something...

              about these   little kids here?

              l'm not your daddy. No.

              Come here!

              Nobody knows who   your daddies are.

              Now, what do you   call these again?

              Chitterlings.   And a cookout...

              ain't a cookout   without them.

              l hate to ask, but what   exactly is a cookout?

              Well, it's when   the family gets together.

              You see them out there?

              We get together.   We dance.

              We grill meat.   We share gossip.

              We sing. We can play   dominoes, cards.

              We have a good time.

              The three f's--




              That ain't right.

              Leroy, use a coaster, man.

              You're messing up my table.

              You left it out here   for public use.

              The law says that's   an assumed risk.

              You need to stop fronting   like you're a real lawyer...

              and pass the bar. Do that.

              A real lawyer.

              Hey, l know more   than any real lawyer.

              l took the bar    times.   They only took it once.

              Do you know how much   you learn about the law...

              when you take it over   and over and over?

              Huh? Jojo, when is   that food gonna be ready?

              l'm starving.

              Aw, man, nice place   Todd got here.

              Sure is. Mm-hmm.

              l mean, look at the trees.

              You know, l planted   a tree once.

              Never could get it to grow.


              l could never get   my lawn this nice.

              That's because you're black.

              What? l got racist grass?

              No. The water company--

              they pump low-grade water...

              into the black neighborhoods.

              That's why you   never see nice lawns...

              in black communities.

              What the hell   is low-grade water?

              ls it possible, Leroy...

              that people in the hood, they   can't afford landscapers...

              and they save money   on the water...

              so they don't water   their lawn as much?

              That's what the man   wants you to think.

              How far away are we?

              You go south   by my thumb...

              and you make a right   at my pinkie...

              and you go two inches.

              Oh, wait. Oh, wait.   l got it upside-down.

              This just don't   make no sense.

              Give me the damn map.

              Let me see.   l got it, Bling.

              Wheeze! Wheeze!

              l got it! l got it!

              Let go!   What you doing, man?

              Watch out for the cat.

              So she got mad at me...

              and she's gonna...

              Shut the hell up.

              Look what you made   me do to my car!


              lf my arm wasn't   numb right now...

              l'd knock your head off.

              You're confusing me here.

              Which way is south?


              Look at the kitty.

              That's a rare species.

              Hey, kitty, kitty, kitty.

              Hey, kitty, kitty,   kitty, kitty, kitty.

              Hey, kitty, kitty--

              What the hell   are you doing?

              What the hell   are you doing, man?

              What happened?

              l think he just   farted on me.

              What are you talking--

              Fool! Get   them sneakers, man!

              We're running out   of time over here.

              My baby.

              Hurry up, man.

              You smell that?

              What the hell   is that smell?

              lt's probably these   stinky-ass sneakers...

              you got me   lugging around.

              Man, them sneakers   are gonna get us paid.

              Man, walk over there, man.   Them sneakers stink.

              Look. Right.

              Well, give me a leg up.




              Do you see anything?

              They're turning   our community...

              into a trailer park   in the projects.

              Hey! Y'all the neighbors?

              Well, come on over   to the cookout.

              -No.   -Mmm-mm.

              No, come on! Come on!


              l'm coming for you.

              Wait! Guinevere!

              Good afternoon, sir.

              How may l help you?

              That's my wife.

              Jeeves, let him in.

              You must be Holstead.

              Come on in and join us.

              l'm Lady Em.   You can call me Emma.

              And this is Lil Dee.


              And these are her children.

              This is Sonny Ray,   Little Ray, D.J...

              Sonny D., D.Q.R.S.,   Whatever.

              So many of you.

              lt's so hot in here.

              Here's your ham, with all   the salt and the fat...

              and the artery-clogging   goodness that you love.

              And now my dress   smells like ham.

              So excuse me.

              Oh, honey.

              This is a boneless ham.

              Yes. Yes. That is   a boneless ham.

              Oh, honey, it's the bone...

              that gives the ham   the flavor.

              This will never do.

              You're kidding, right?

              No, l'm not kidding.   Now listen.

              You wouldn't want   Todd to lose this deal...

              because of the wrong ham   now, would you? Ha ha.

              No, l wouldn't.

              No, l didn't think so.

              Now listen, sweetie.

              About    miles   down the road there...

              there's a good butcher.

              Get you a good ham,   all right?

              Mm-hmm. All right?

              Now, l'm not quite sure...

              l understand what   you're getting at.

              OK, lady, let me   break it down...

              for you, all right?

              lf a black cat   crosses your path...

              that means what?

              Seven years bad luck,   right? All right.

              Now, what's slang   for a dude? A cat.

              So ergo, i.e.,   l am a black cat.

              So if l cross your path,   you subliminally think...

              that you're gonna   get bad luck.

              That is why   my wife left me...

              because l'm black.

              ls he serious?

              Oh, yeah. See,   at every family cookout...

              we get caught up   on each other's lives...

              no matter how sad they are.

              Subliminal messages--   they're all around us.

              You know, like in sports.

              Like hockey. Why is there   a bunch of white guys...

              smacking a black puck   around the ice?

              Why can't the puck   be white?

              Well, being in   sports management...

              l'd venture to say   that on ice...

              a white puck might   be difficult to see.

              l'd expect you to say that.

              Wait a minute, Leroy.   What about golf?

              l mean, the ball is white.

              Yeah. You know,   you're right.

              And l thought about that.

              ln golf, you   got to do what?

              Get that white ball   in the hole.

              Where's the hole?   On the green.

              Green. ''Fertility.''

              You see what l'm   getting at here?

              Where's that hole?   ln the earth.

              Mother earth.   ''Hi, mommy.'' Yeah.

              White guys trying to get...

              their white balls   in mother earth...

              symbolizing how they   want to rape the planet.

              l should write a book, man.

              ''That ham has   too much salt in it.

              ''No, that ham   has too much bone in it.

              No, that ham has   too much pork in it.''

              Keep it together.

              Now, what you're   gonna do is...

              you're gonna go get   the damn ham for her...

              and once all these ghetto hood   rats are out of my house...

              we're gonna get it fumigated.

              Then l will have Todd   all to myself.

              What's up, gold digger?

              Excuse me...

              but l am not in the mood.

              You know what?   l'm not even mad.

              Game recognize game, honey.

              Game recognizes game?

              Let me tell you something.

              Your game is not up to par   with my game.

              What is it,   like, five or six...

              Lil Dee-Dees l see   running around here?

              And that old-ass   Scooby Doo van...

              that you've been   driving around.

              Yeah. l seen it.

              Now, l drive a brand-new   Mercedes-Benz.

              And this is my mansion.

              That's all   fine and dandy...

              but l catch your   little trifling tail...

              trying to play   my cousin...

              and l'll cut your ass.

              Oh, and by the way...

              that tired little dress   you're trying to rock...

              we all know   that ain't real.

              Pocahontas just   trying to front...

              acting like she got   lndian in her family.

              Little bit Cherokee.


              Let me tell you something.

              You need not worry   about your cousin...

              because your cousin   is my problem.

              l'm gonna take real   good care of him.

              What you need to do   is stop looking...

              for your babies' daddies   down at the parole office.

              And you, little   ghetto bird...

              need to invest   in a diaphragm.

              Lookie here, Bling.

              Look what we have here.

              You fellas need a lift?

              Hell, yeah. Come on, Wheeze.   Let's get in.

              You know, l don't mind   picking you boys up...

              because l know   how it can be.

              Right on.

              l'm in the horseshit   consignment business...

              a manure broker,   if you don't mind.

              Basically, l go around   to all the ranches...

              l scoop up   the horseshit...

              and l sell it to all the   farmers and the landscapers.

              This stuff right here.

              And if my truck   breaks down...

              let me tell you, God...

              nobody's gonna   pick up this guy...

              because l stink of shit.

              You want some?


              Good. You OK?

              Now, let me   tell you something.

              There's a demand   for good-quality shit.

              l tell the farmers...

              make sure   you feed your horses...

              a well-balanced diet.

              Any doctor   will tell you...

              if you put   good stuff in...

              good stuff is definitely   gonna come out.

              That's it! Stop the car!

              Stop the car!

              And don't say   shit else about shit!

              Come on, Wheeze!   Get the hell out of here!


              Dee, you need   to check your kids.

              They're scratching up my stairs.   Look at this.

              Oh, man, we can't   do nothing over here.

              l shouldn't have   never came here.

              l should have went   to Lebron James' house.

              l know that's right.


              Boy, you worry   too damn much.

              All this running-around   they doing...

              they're gonna start dropping   like flies in a minute.

              Just chill.

              l tried telling her, Todd...

              but you know, some people   are just uncivilized.

              Leroy, Leroy, look what they did   to my damn bat.

              lt's my bat!

              l'm coming to get you!

              l'm gonna get you!


              Aunt Nettie, could you please   keep these kids out of here?

              My agent and l are trying   to do some business.


              Please. Just...

              Calm down, honey.



              Good job.

              Jamal! Jamal! Jamal!

              Todd's agent is here, and baby,   if he sees you play...

              l know we can get   a contract...

              maybe even bigger   than Todd's.

              Mom, look. l got   checkmate in one move.

              And how many times   l got to tell you?

              l'm not trying   to play pro ball.

              Well, you just   check that, baby.

              Now, l want you   to get dressed now!

              No excuses!

              Nettie, now Jamal has   a life of his own...

              that doesn't include   pro basketball.

              We didn't come here   for a tryout.

              We came here for a cookout.

              When's that food   gonna be ready?

              Quiet, Frank!

              lf you'd spent more time   teaching your son how to play...

              instead of feeding   your face...

              l wouldn't even have   to be doing this!

              Mama's gonna get   her baby a contract...

              whether he   wants one or not!

              You, go get   your sweats on!


              The boy ain't even   got a hoop.

              Nice and quiet.

              Away from all the insanity.   Have a seat.

              We are so sorry about   all the distractions.

              l assure you,   this family gathering...

              was a complete   scheduling mishap.

              lt's OK.

              l'm rather   enjoying myself.

              Are you? lt's fun, right?   Cookouts are fun.

              Anyway, let's talk about   the new product launch, OK?

              We know that this is very   important for your company...

              and we think   that Todd would be...

              absolutely perfect.   Picture it--

              young rookie,   out on the road...

              missing his family...

              needing your service   to stay in touch with them.


              Stop swinging that bat!   Somebody's gonna get hurt!

              Excuse me for a minute,   Ms. Peters.

              l'll be right back.

              Yeah, yeah.

              Foul! Foul!   Y'all saw it!

              lt's my bat! My bat!

              Grandpa, please, please,   please, not in the house.

              Please, not in the house.

              Rules! Rules! Rules!

              Everybody always   telling kids...

              and old folks what to do.

              Come on, kids. Let's go.

              We'll show them. Come on.

              We're going outside   and poo-poo on ourselves.

              Oh, God.



              l love you, Uncle Todd.

              l love you, too, man. Oh...

              What's up?

              Do you see that poodle?

              Whose dog is that?

              Yo, l'm gonna give   it some cookies.

              Come here, girl.

              Give me one, man.   Let me try. Give me one.

              Here, man.

              l ain't giving my cookie   to no dog, man.

              You must be crazy.

              OK, this is it, baby.   Take it to the hoop.

              Take it to the hoop.   This is it.

              Ma, you cannot be serious.

              Where am l gonna play ball?

              There's no basket in here.

              You want a basket?

              There's your basket.

              ''D'' up, Leroy.   No easy buckets.

              Well, you don't have   to worry about that...

              because l'm already...   l'm up in here.

              Up in here, baby.   Don't worry about it.

              Come on, boy.   Show me what you got.

              Come on.

              Come on.   You ready for me?

              Don't try to go left.   Don't go left.

              l'm telling you--


              That's my boy!   That's my boy!

              Did you see how he   handled that ball?

              You cannot tell me that my   baby don't have game.

              So, what do you think?

              l   Oh, my God. l got a call.

              You don't know nothing.

              My Jamal, he should be   playing in the pros!

              Oh, yeah.

              That's what   l'm talking about.

              You think that's enough   of this in there?

              Damn! What   do you want now?

              Did you read the rules   and regulations?

              Because l can see about      violations in here...

              and l ain't even   up in here good.

              You are way over the allowed   amount of visitors.

              You're too loud.

              And do l smell a grill?

              Oh, no. You need a permit   to cook outdoors.

              lt's just a cookout.

              We ain't bothering nobody!

              Look, youngblood,   back the hell up.

              Now, look, Mr. Andersen...

              you better get   your family together...

              or your time at Garden Ridge   will be over real soon.

              That's it. That's it.   That's it.

              Everybody get out!   After this food is done...

              get a doggy bag   and get out!

              Hey, man, why don't   you calm down, man?

              You trippin'.

              What is wrong with you? You--

              Hey, you hear me talking?

              Don't turn   your back on me.


              Yeah. lt's   all right, baby.

              What's wrong with him?

              lt's all right, baby.

              lt's OK. lt's all right.

              He's gonna be all right.

              What's wrong with him?

              l hate to interrupt...

              but have either of you   seen my dog? Guinevere.


              l've been looking for you.

              ln the house, Guinevere.

              Oh, no.

              ls that   what l think it is?


              l'm shocked   at you two young men.

              So am l.

              We're sorry.

              l weep for your generation.

              ln my day...

              no one would consider baking   with inferior ingredients.

              Take the high road,   my sons.

              There's no such thing   as an...easy bake.

              Light 'em up.   Light 'em up.

              l can't feel   my face, man.

              Ah, who would   have thought...

              that a straight-laced   dude like you...

              would enjoy   getting a lift? Man.

              l used to like to do   a lot of things...

              before l married   Mrs. Crowley--

              drink malt liquor...

              listen to rap music...

              eat Oreo cookies.

              Oh, l know that one.

              lf she's such   a buzz-kill then...

              man, why did you marry her?

              lt was a good   business decision.

              See, she comes from money...

              and where l was raised,   money marries money.

              Yeah, but them tits   is nice, too, though, huh?

              What about them nipples?   She got some little raisins...

              or some nice big gumdrops?

              That's my wife   you're talking about.

              Oh, my bad, man.




              l knew it! l seen them   in her shirt!

              You mind if l help?

              Knock yourself out.

              Oh! Sweet Jesus!

              Hey, hey, hey.   Come on.

              Let me help.   Let me help.

              You'll tear   the thing up.

              ls it coming out?

              You can put a flower   or something over it.

              A flower, Em?   Look at this.

              l got to take this   back tomorrow.

              $    ?

              Why'd you spend   $     on a dress?

              l wanted to be more   fabulous than you, OK?

              Nettie, come on.   Come here.

              Come on. Sit down.

              God, Nettie,   come on now.

              When you and me,   we were coming up...

              we were tight,   we were close.

              Then everything   changed. Everything.


              All the while   we were growing up...

              all l ever heard was how   beautiful Emma was...

              and how smart Emma was.

              Even now, it's like   you're the better parent.

              Todd is hosting a cookout   in this castle...

              and Jamal can't even get   a pro basketball tryout.

              You're acting like...

              this is some kind   of competition.

              Jamal is top honors   in his class, Nettie.

              He's damn near   a straight-A student, OK?

              He could be a doctor   or a lawyer.

              You ever think about that?

              He could change the world.

              Wow. Change the world.

              Lawyers and doctors   make good money.


              This ain't no   competition, but...

              they make good money.

              Miss Becky Cruz.


              Hey, Lady Em.   Thanks for inviting me.

              Hi, baby.

              Your mother told me   l'd find you back here.

              Cookout's around the back.

              Just follow the cigarette burns   and the doo-doo diapers.

              You don't recognize me,   do you...Doo-doo head?

              Doo-doo head?

              Buck teeth, braces,   glasses so thick...

              l could see   into the future.


              Yo. Girl.


              Sit down. Sit down.   Sit down.

              Oh, man.

              Damn, girl!

              You look...   What happened?

     did your thing.

              What can l say?

              After    years in braces...

              l guess my teeth finally   decided to cooperate.

              The last time   l saw you was...

              the cookout that my moms   threw for me and Jamal...

              before l went to Rutgers.

              Yeah. l just graduated   from Spellman.


              Thanks. l just   moved back home.

              l start at dental   school in the fall.

              But enough about me.

              Look at you.

              You've come really far,   Doo-doo head.

              Not far enough.

              When moms gave word   about this cookout...

              my family   started showing up...

              faster than roaches   at a garbage strike.

                Yo, hurry up.   What's taking you so long?

                Yo, Wheeze, hurry up   so we can get out of here.

                l almost got it.

                Excuse me. What do you   think you're doing?

                Come here and shut up.

                Aah! Please don't hurt me.

                Just drive the car and   nobody will get hurt...

                you sexy little self.

                OK, l will, but my   boyfriend's really rich.

                He'll give you   anything you want.

                You just get us   to Garden Ridge.

                We'll worry about   your boyfriend later.

                Remember about two years ago...

                when you were playing   against lndiana State?

                You were struggling   the whole game.

                That was the worst   game l ever had.

                Yeah, l think l was, like...

                  for   from   the free-throw line.

                Your family had   these big signs up...

                with your name on them...

                and they stayed up   the entire game...

                even when you   were on the bench.

                They brought those   signs to every game.

                They've always   had your back.

                W-wait a minute.   Wait a minute.

                So you used to   watch me play?

                Don't change the subject.


                Just because   we lost touch...

                doesn't mean l didn't   check up on you.

                l guess l got some   apologizing to do.


                You know, Becky...

                l always, always   thought you were...

                really special   to me, and, um...

                it was something   l always wanted to do...

                but l never   got a chance to--

                l wanted to   do that earlier.

                Whoo! Yes.

                Come on.

                Summer.   lt's really summer.

                Yeah. Thank you, man.

                Ma, those potatoes   you made earlier was banging.

                Look, Ma, the stuff   l said earlier--

                l love you, too, Todd.

                Come here.

                l'm sorry, Mom.   l'm sorry.

                Jeeves, what   are you doing?

                Well, l'm giving   to-go containers...

                to your guests, Sir.

                Man, put those away.

                People only use those   to bring food home...

                after a cookout.

                Oh. Very good, Sir.

                Let's go. Let's go.

                l put his ass in check   right quick...

                just like l done you.

                Plus that stupid gate arm   won't open.


                Remember, l always   loved you, baby.

                Time to break the glass.

                You know, l'm...   l'm trying to find...

                my husband Holstead.

                Have you seen   my husband Holstead?

                My husband Holstead?   Excuse me!

                Has anybody seen Holstead?

                My husband.


                What have you done?

                What it look like?

                l gave me and that bitch   some flavor.

                What did l tell you about   using that kind of language...

                in front of--Aah!--   language in front of her?

                Have you forgotten   how sensitive she is?

                Look here, woman.

                Things are gonna   change around here.

                l'm tired of you   putting your foot...

                on the back of a brother's   neck all the time.

                There it is.

                Amen, brother.

                Don't let her put white balls   in mother earth.

                Damn straight.

                l've never seen you   like this before.

                l mean, you're so proud

                Let's...go home. Now.

                Woman, what did l   just tell you?

                We go home   when l say so.

                All right.

                Come on. Let's go.

                l know that's right,   Mrs. Crowley.

                You better get that.

                OK, everybody,   let's say grace.

                Todd, you're our host.   Lead us in prayer.

                Dear Lord, thank you   for this gathering--


                A Mr. Big Pimping   Bling-Bling...

                and Mr. O.G. Big Wheezer.

                What's that smell?

                lt's the sneakers...

                the funky-ass sneakers   over there.

                That don't smell like feet.

                lt smells like ass.


                Y'all are doing   the damn thing in here, huh?



                some chicken...

                mac and cheese.

                Looks like y'all don't need   no more of that.

                Brittany,   what's this trash...

                you done brought up   in this house?

                l'm sorry. He has a gun.

                But, Lady Em,   here's the ham.

                lt has bone in it   and everything.

                Why is it that every time...

                black folks get together   to have a good time...

                jokers like you always seem   to mess it up?

                Your kind is the reason...

                good folk like Todd   leave the neighborhood.

                Young man,   you're not welcome here.

                Shut the hell up, lady.

                Take care of them kids   back there.

                That's what you   need to be doing.

                Look, man, who are you?

                And what the hell are you doing   in my house, man?

                Don't act like   you don't know me.

                l taught you   everything you know.

                Now get your ass   up against the wall...

                and sign them sneakers.

                Hey, man.


                Look over there.

                What's she trying...   What's she saying?

                All right, Luscious.   l'll see you later.

                Todd, are you in   some kind of trouble?

                Pop, l don't even know   who these dudes are.

                Does this sort of thing   occur frequently?

                Oh, yeah. l've been   to many cookouts...

                and let me tell you...

                this kind of thing   happens all the time.

                lt's all part   of the festivities.

                You might want   to hide the pearls.

                l just want you to know   that Todd and his family...

                are all law-abiding   citizens...

                and l hope this doesn't   affect your decision...

                on giving Todd   the campaign.

                You might want to put   your hands back.

                Hey, give me   the bat, old man.

                Act scared.   lt's kind of fun.

                Get your hands off my wood!

                This guy, he sort of   reminds me of someone.

                ln fact,   remember that guy...

                we used to go   to school with...

                the one they used to bug?

                Percival ass...something.

                Get your hands   off my wood, sucker!



                Percival Assmackey?

                Percival Assmackey?

                Shut up!

                Stop laughing at me!

                Shut the hell up!   Stop laughing at me!

                You two, stop laughing!

                Stop laughing at me!

                All right. All right.   All right. All right.

                Shut up!   And it's pronounced...


                lt's West African!

                Y'all think   this is real funny.

                Why are we wasting   time with them?

                l say we throw   these bums out...

                and let's get to eating.

                Come on!

                Sit your asses down!

                Unless you want me   to blow a hole...

                in this $   million   knee of yours.




                What the hell   is going on in here?

                You're OK. Jamal is here.

                Here you are, Sir.

                Thank you.

                Be careful, Jamal.

                You don't know what   you're doing, sweetie.

                Ma, yes, l do. l know   exactly what l'm doing.

                Look, l've been trying   to tell you, l'm pre-med.

                l'm going to medical   school next year.

                Ooh, a doctor.

                Did somebody say ''doctor''?

                Man, enough of this!   l'm sick of y'all!

                Shut the hell up!

                Wheeze, get on down here.

                Get all the cash   and the jewelry.

                Get these sneakers signed.   Let's get the hell out of here.

                Ah! Freeze!

                You don't want   none of this, boy.

                That was some   great police work...

                apprehending these two.

                Thank you, officer.   Glad to be of service.

                Yeah. You know what?

                l like your attitude.

                You seem way too qualified   to be a security guard.

                Have you ever considered...

                a career in   law enforcement?

                All right, everybody!

                Deejay Enuff!   Heavy Hitters!

                We're about to take it   to the old school!

                Let's go!   Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

                Here we go!

                Miss Dee,   why don't you hit me...

                with some   of those digits?

                l like the way   you rock, Jeeves.

                l'm feeling you. Uh! Uh!   Come on. Back it up.

                Your family is a trip.

                Yes, they are.

                -Go, Todd!   -Go, Todd!

                -Go, Todd!   -Go, Todd!

                -Go, Todd!   -Go, Todd!

                -Go, Todd!   -Go, Todd!

                Can l talk to you   for a second?

                Oh. Ho. Uh-oh.   You're in trouble.

                What are you doing   dancing with that girl?

                She's not even   cuter than l am.

                Who? Becky?   She's my friend.

                You hurt yourself   dancing with these people...

                you're not gonna get paid...

                for the time that   you spend recuperating.

                Whoa, whoa, whoa.   ''These people''?


                Let me tell you   something. l...


                l want to see other people.

                ls it something   that l said?

                lt's everything you say.   lt's everything you do.

                l need somebody l got   more in common with...

                like, somebody   l can relate to...

                somebody that can   relate to me.

                l can relate to you.   l can relate to you.

                l can be...   street, you know.

                l can be like,   ''Yo, yo, G. What's up?''

                You know, l can ride   or dive...thing.

                You have no idea...

                what l'm talking   about, do you?

                No. Please.   Please, baby.

                l don't...   l don't want to work...

                and l don't want   to pay bills.

                l don't want to...   l want the diamonds.

                Please, can l keep   the Mercedes...

                and the diamonds? Please.

                You can keep   the diamonds.

                Leave the car keys   in the house...

                after you get   your stuff...

                and you get out.


                Where's the doctor at?

                Whoo-hoo!   Todd, we got it!

                Yeah! When do we start?


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