Voila! Finally, the Cookout
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie written by and
starring Queen Latifah. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Cookout. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Yo, Todd, where the floods at?
Yeah, Todd, is the flood coming this way?
Bling and Wheezer, quit horsing around.
Get to class.
Don't listen to them. They're stupid.
Yeah, l know.
Don't worry. l'll always be there...
for you, Todd Andersen. Doo-doo head.
Thanks, Becky.
Todd, how does it feel to have...
all of the experts picking you...
to go first in the draft?
Broke, from bribing all those experts.
No, no, l'm just playing.
No, seriously, l'm honored...
that people love my game that much.
But there will be a lot of good players...
in the draft tomorrow...
and the first pick could be anybody.
Now, Todd, you were raised...
in the ghetto, the hood...
dragged up in the streets...
after your father abandoned you and your mother.
My dad never left. He's right here.
This is my dad.
No government cheese?
No welfare?
No.
My parents worked very hard...
to pay the bills and keep clothes on my back.
So, Mr. And Mrs. Andersen...
once Todd is selected in the draft...
he stands to make millions.
Do you think things will change for your family?
We're a down-home kind of people.
We raised Todd to know...
that family values are more important than money.
What about alcoholism...
drug abuse, the smoke, the drink?
Domestic violence?
No?
Anything?
Tomorrow will probably be...
a historical day for your family.
How do you plan on celebrating?
We're gonna celebrate it the way the Andersens...
have always celebrated for generations.
We're having a family...
-Cookout! -Cookout!
Well, that's all our time for now.
Todd, Mr. And Mrs. Andersen, thank you.
And good luck tomorrow in the draft.
For Sports Time, l'm A.C. Charles.
And l'm Pearce Gabriel.
Good night.
-What was that? -Who the...
You can stop all that smiling.
The camera's off.
The camera loves me, woman.
l ought to have my own TV show.
How was l?
l didn't come off too stiff, did l?
Sanford and JoJo.
Jojo and the Sex.
No, baby, you were fine.
You go on up and get some sleep.
You got a big day tomorrow.
Everybody loves JoJo.
l got it! Ah!
Who wants to marry JoJo?
l got a perfect show for you, JoJo.
Huh?
Jackass.
l do not care what it takes.
There is no way he's going to New Jersey.
Yo, dude, l know l don't have the number-one pick...
and that's not what this is about.
l want him taking us to the championship...
and he can't do that anywhere else. ls that clear?
Todd Andersen is coming to Dallas. Are we straight?
Get his ass here.
We are in New York City...
the mecca of professional basketball...
where legends have been made.
Live from Madison Square Garden...
it's the th annual Professional Basketball Draft...
where the next crop of young superstars...
led by -time All-American Todd Andersen out of Rutgers...
will take that next step into the professional ranks.
Hi, everybody. l'm Marv Albert here on the floor...
with a couple of the game's best--
Elton Brand and Baron Davis.
Now, Elton, is this kid Todd Andersen...
as good as the hype...
and can he turn around a franchise?
Well, Marv, if New Jersey selects...
Todd Andersen with the number-one pick...
they'll be getting a kid with tons of potential.
Guys that are in the pros like myself, Baron Davis...
we're excited to see what this kid has...
and really want to take it to him.
A candid statement from one of the game's best.
Now, Baron, does New Jersey keep that number-one pick...
and take Todd Andersen?
There's been a lot of rumors circulating...
that Mark Cuban wants to move up...
and take Todd Andersen with the number-one pick.
And we all know that when Mark Cuban wants something...
he usually gets it.
So l'm pretty excited to see what happens.
Yes, it is always interesting...
to see if Cuban's whatever- -it-takes attitude pays off.
We're just moments away...
for the doors to swing open for the league's future stars.
New Jersey is on the clock.
We'll be back with that first pick after these words.
l got to use the bathroom again.
Will you please just relax? Now come on.
You're gonna be fine, all right?
Todd, no matter what happens here today...
no matter what happens...
you're always gonna be number one...
in me and your daddy's eyes. You hear me?
That's right.
Whoo!
Sorry l'm late.
l had to put on my face...
in case there's any cameras or anything.
Baby, do you like my shoes? What do you think about them?
l think that l needed a really nice pair of heels...
and these got the little stiletto thing going on. Cute?
Mom...Dad...
Meet Brittany.
Mom? Dad? Oh, it is so nice to finally meet you.
l have heard so much about you guys.
Oh! l love your scarf. Who is this by?
Uh, uh, honey...
Listen, this is very odd, honey...
because we haven't heard anything about you.
Oh. Well...
There will be so much time...
for us to get to know each other.
You should be so proud of your son.
He is amazing.
He is going to be a big, rich basketball player.
Very rich. Come on, honey. l have some people...
l want to introduce you to, OK? Excuse us?
Jojo? Jojo, who is she? Where did she come from?
Where'd she come from? Where'd she come from?
She's skankish. She's skankish! Where did she come from?
Where did he meet her? Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord.
OK, OK. Put the book down. Put the book down.
Here we go. Here we go.
Uh, please be seated.
Welcome to the National Players Draft.
We're happy to welcome our potential draft picks...
and their families.
Mama, get in here! This is exciting!
Shoot!
You think cousin Todd will introduce me...
to one of his baller friends?
l need help with all these daggone bills...
ever since Leon violated his parole.
My kids ain't had no father figure.
How you-all kids feel...
about calling Vince Carter dad?
Let's begin with the first pick of the draft.
New Jersey picks Todd Andersen...
from Rutgers University.
Yes, baby! Go ahead, cuz!
Number one, boy!
That's my boy! Oh, yeah!
Come on up here, Todd.
Aah!
All right. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Come on. Come on. Sit down.
Number one!
l told you.
That boy's gonna be the next Michael Jordan!
Congratulations.
Thank you. Thank you, sir.
Got a few things for you here.
Try this on for size.
Congratulations.
Aw, my man made it, man.
Man, cousin Todd got drafted.
Drafted?
Damn this war!
Dog, he was gonna be the next Dr. J, man.
Huh?
Cousin Todd. Why him?
You're stupid, man.
So anyway, a sister comes in the room, right?
So l'm looking at the ass like, ooh, l got two.
This is, like, a manage or something...
about to jump off here.
You know Bling. l'm about to get it popping. So--
Hey, yo, Bling!
Bling, isn't that your boy Todd?
Didn't he take your spot when you had whooping cough?
l didn't say whooping cough, man.
l said l whooped his ass, and he stole my glory.
Yo, his pockets is about to be really swollen right now.
He's gonna be able to buy a house.
He's gonna be able to buy some new timbs.
He's gonna be able to buy a Timex.
He's gonna be able to buy an -track like mine.
He's gonna be able to buy a thousand-pack Annihilators.
Yo, listen, listen. l got an idea.
l heard that a pair of Lebron James sneakers...
went for g's on Ebay.
Alls we got to do...
is get a pair of sneakers to Todd--
Forget that. We're gonna take...
a bunch of sneakers to Todd...
get him to sign them...
then we're gonna put it on Ebay...
get phat money.
You understand what l'm saying now?
Yeah. You think he'll do it?
Do l think he'll do it?
He better do it...
unless he wants this gat in his mouth.
You said... You said gat or gut?
Come on, man.
l let my moms hold it today, man.
Let's go.
That boy's gonna be the next Michael Jordan.
That's right, Pop.
That's it!
lf you had spent a little more time...
working with your son on his jump shot...
maybe he could have been the next Michael Jordan.
Ma, come on. Relax, Ma.
l just want to be a doctor.
A doctor?
Boy, doctors don't make no money...
unless they're on E.R.
OK, super.
Todd, l can get you $ million...
if you tattoo a peacock logo...
to the back of your head.
Damn.
l'm not tattooing no peacock...
on the back of my head, man.
Right, right. That's a bad idea.
Nonetheless, with the team contract...
and other potential future endorsements...
you're gonna be in the to $ million neighborhood.
ls that gross or net?
Where did you come from?
Have we met? ls she with us?
Anyway, you're gonna be able to have more things...
than you have ever dreamed of!
And you're gonna be able...
to give back to the community...
and you're gonna be able to help your parents...
just like we always talked about.
l love this kid!
Mr...
Reilly.
Yes. Excuse me.
lt's good to know that even though Todd...
is getting his $ million contract...
he won't forget about his family values.
That right?
Don't go changing on us, baby.
l want you to be smart with your money.
Come here. You got something on your face.
Yeah, Mama can get rid of any blemish.
Look, don't worry, Ma.
All l want to do is take care of the family.
l won't change.
Hey, Jamal, what up, baby?
Oh, sh...
Aw, man.
Choke!
Baby T got his first ride.
You only got drafted two days ago...
and you ran out and bought that?
Come on.
With a DVD player and a video game?
Man, get in the car, man.
What's wrong with you, man?
Let's get out of here, man.
My cuz in his first ride, man.
What's up, boy?
Yo, what's up, cuz?
So l'm telling Todd, l'm, like, listen.
You see this here? This is no good.
This will never work. See this...
This is no good for the shot, no good for the shot.
What you got to do is...
you got to have them like this.
You got to spread your fingers...
so you get that good rotation on the ball.
l taught him all that right here on this court...
and look where it got him.
Ah, stop gaming. You know Todd Andersen?
What do you think l'm sitting here telling you?
l taught him everything he knows...
right here on this court.
Todd learned from me-- Bling, baby.
Yo, Wheeze, tell them how me and Todd go back...
like cornrows, man.
So, what's next, cuz?
You gonna get a crib in Mount Claire?
Nah, l ain't trying to do that.
l'm trying to stay here with my peoples.
This is where l belong.
This is where they want me.
Break, break!
Yo, we got next.
Todd Andersen.
What's a rich boy like you doing around here, man...
trying to play ball with his hood brothers, man?
Come on. Whatever, man. lt ain't even like that.
l'm just trying to play ball with my homeys.
We already got a team, baby.
Some real street ballers, baby.
Nah, nah. Let him play. Let him play.
He thinks he's the man, trying to come out here and show off.
Needs to be taught a lesson.
Yo, chill. Why y'all tripping, man?
We're just trying to play ball.
Y'all know me. l've been playing ball here my whole life.
You know what? l'm tripping, right?
Yo, ''D'' up, man. $ million man.
That's what l'm talking about.
Let's do it, baby. Whatever. Yo, get over there, man.
Look. Hey.
l need the sneaks.
Yo. Give me your sneakers.
l ain't giving you jack.
What did you say?
Give me your sneakers right now.
And that goes for all y'all.
Run your sneaks right now.
All right, all right.
My plan's about to take effect.
Get these sneakers. Get that.
You got it? You got it? You got that, Wheeze?
All right, remember what l taught you now.
Spread your fingers. You could be something.
Give it to them. Let's go, boys.
l'm taking your bet!
Give it to him. Give it to him.
Here, boy.
l know you got me. l know you got me.
We'll take that. Your money's good.
Let's go. Let's go, boys.
What's good?
That's what l'm talking about.
That's what l'm talking about!
Play some ''D.''
l know you got me.
l'm talking.
Yo! Hold up!
Yo! What are you doing, man?
You can't foul me like that!
What, baby? What?
What?
Keep walking!
We're the real warriors!
You go play ball with those pimpin' punks!
And leave your ghetto pass on the way out!
l swear. l never been no sucker, man.
So what, man? Let's go.
Yo, Todd Andersen. My main man.
Holler at your boy. lt's Bling, baby.
Wait. Did he just hit me with the head nod?
Yeah.
He didn't just hit me with the head nod?
He straight dissed you.
l told y'all he didn't know Todd Andersen.
Can we have our sneakers back?
They're my sneakers now. Get the sneakers, Wheeze.
Yeah. The sneakers.
Good evening, Madam.
A spot of tea?
Jojo!
Jojo!
What's wrong, baby?
Jojo, what's this white man doing in my house?
Jeeves? Hey, he's a gift from Todd.
And that's not all. Come see.
What the hell?
And he got us a large-screen TV...
with surround sound and a picture in a picture.
Hey, l can watch Sanford and Son...
and Todd play ball at the same time.
What is that smell?
Neck bones and collard greens...
per Mr. Andersen's request.
May l be of service to you, Madam?
Madam? You don't know me.
My name is Emma...
Lady Em, or Mrs. Andersen, OK?
You just stay out of my way.
And most importantly, stay out of my kitchen!
l don't know about...
no neck bones and collard greens.
As you wish, Madam Lady Em.
God, this is insane.
And why is it so cold in here?
Hey, our brand-new industrial air conditioner.
Hey, Emma, we don't have to ever stick...
to the plastic on the furniture again.
Mr. Jojo, sir.
Whoa!
Neck bones and collard greens are served.
Thank you, Jeeves.
Just find me some hot sauce...
and l'll be with you in a second.
Tabasco or Red Rooster, sir?
Well, how about a pinch of each?
Yes, sir.
Well...ha ha ha! A pinch of each.
These are my flowers. These are mine.
These are my flowers. They're my flowers.
This is my house! My house!
This is great. l'll take it.
l'll take it. l'll take it.
This is so exciting!
Your parents are gonna love this house.
They're gonna be so happy that you're finally moving out.
Yes! Whoo!
Yeah. l'm sure my mom's gonna be ecstatic...
about me moving out.
Ha! There's my boy!
Up! Aah!
Damn, you got big.
Hey, look, thanks for the Jacob, Big Pimpin'.
No problem, Dad.
And how are you, love?
Oh, l'm fine. How are you?
Did Todd tell you about the house?
What house?
Oh. Well, Todd got, um...
us a house.
lt's beautiful.
Jojo, this is going too fast.
No, no, no. Now, JoJo.
lt's going too fast for me.
This is all going too fast for me!
Baby, the boy is grown.
We knew this was gonna happen.
And besides, you wouldn't want one of them hoods out there...
taking a shot at him out of jealousy, right?
Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Hey, hey.
Wait a minute. Wait here. Come off him.
Go in there. Go in there. l need to talk to you.
Ah...God.
l don't know, man.
Son, you need to slow down.
What? You don't like all the gifts?
That's not the point. l'm concerned...
about how you're spending your money.
Mama, l'm gonna be fine.
l just got off the phone with Wes.
He said l'll be worth more than $ million...
when my contract goes through and the season starts.
''When.'' Don't you mean ''if''?
What if you break a leg?
You think it's gonna be all good then?
And what's this girl...
talking about ''Bought us a house''?
That girl ain't your wife.
l don't think she meant it like that.
Yeah. Well, what exactly did she mean by ''us''?
You planning on marrying that girl?
l don't...l don't know.
lt's all good. We...we...
We just like... We kickin' it, like...
Kickin' it.
What's ''kickin' it'' mean?
Your daddy and l have been married years.
We ain't never kicked it.
So, what you want me to do, Ma?
You do what you want to do.
You're a grown man.
l just wanted to go on record saying...
that l don't like it.
Come on, Ma.
Mommy, you're still my number-one lady.
That's never gonna change.
Don't come over here with all that.
Ma, come on. OK, look, look.
Let me make it up to you.
Let me make it up to you.
Why don't you decorate my new house?
Come on. Please. Please.
Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. That's an idea.
OK. You know what l'm saying?
Just do it the way you do it.
You know how you do, Ma.
Come on, Ma.
l don't want that nasty girl hanging around up there.
All right. Come here.
Ha ha. With your big old self.
Ah, l love you, Mommy.
l love you, too, baby.
What did l tell you about coming around here? Huh?
l told you, don't come around here...
breaking the rules, right?
l mean, can't you read? The sign says...
''No soliciting,'' OK?
Now, go and sell your cookies somewhere else.
What is with these kids? They push me. They push me.
Wait.
What you got? Slim mints right there?
Let me get a box of them slim mints.
All right. Go. Go on. Get the hell out of here.
l don't want to catch you around here...
till you come back with some shortbreads.
Scourge of the nation.
Uh-uh. What?
Hey! Hey, wait! Come back here!
Come back here! Don't make me break the glass.
What is this, son-- a hotel or a house?
A house. A house.
But it has bedrooms and bathrooms! Whoo!
bathrooms?
Why you need bathrooms? You only got one ass.
-Jojo. -Sorry.
Todd, honey, you sure this is the house for you?
l mean, maybe you need to look a little longer...
find something a little closer to your parents.
No, no, no. This is it.
This is right.
This is so right.
Come on. Let's go inside.
Let's look at it. Come on!
Hey, hey, hey! What you got, champ?
Come on. Ow! Ow! OK.
Not the face. Not the face.
Oh, my. Come on. Come on, Guinevere.
Come on!
Ah! Ah!
Honey! Call Security!
l just saw some Negroes!
What did you say?
l said l just saw a gang...
You know...yo!
Of Negroes across the street.
Negroes?
Yes!
And l think they were hurting a white man.
Good Lord. l'll call Security at once.
Hold me, Holstead. Hold me.
Security.
Hold me.
Oh, yes, Judge Crowley. l understand completely.
l am on it. l'm on it.
l'll take care of it. Nope, don't worry about a thing.
All right.
Damn it.
Take care of my baby first, though.
First got to take care of my baby.
Ha ha ha! Hey, this is nice!
Whoo! Damn. This is big!
Whoo! Hey!
l know where we're gonna be having our next cookout.
Jojo, come on now.
The boy just moved in here.
Come on now.
lt's cool, Ma. This house is for all of us.
Having the cookout here would be a great idea.
Matter of fact, let's have it this Saturday.
Excu--excuse me.
ls that a purple diamond?
Oh. Why, yes, it is. You guys like?
lt's something that me and Todd picked up.
Oh, you guys, look.
l have matching earrings, too.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, they're really nice.
Todd, come on. We got to talk.
OK. Ma, look, you're in charge, right?
Do your thing.
The tip from the Crowleys was correct.
l have a visual on the suspects.
What are you doing?
What do you mean, what am l doing?
This house, the cars, the jewelry, the Brittany.
You can't afford any of this stuff.
Wes, Wes, Wes, Wes.
l just got $ million, man.
l'm rich!
lt's $ million...
but it's $ million spread over years.
You haven't even gotten a paycheck yet.
The season doesn't start for another three months.
Hey, l am not fronting you the cash for this stuff, OK?
Ha ha. Wes, why are you bugging, man?
Let me enjoy the moment.
Enjoy the moment, but return this crap.
Yeah. At least until...
l can officially lock in some endorsements for you.
People just saw me on national TV...
getting drafted the other day.
Now they're supposed to see me returning...
thousands of dollars' worth of stuff...
like l smoked up all my money?
l'm not a crackhead, Wes.
You need to get me some endorsements or something.
All right, l'll get them...
but just hold off for a while, OK?
l mean, just think about it, please.
Yo! Who that?
Excuse me. Can l help you?
OK, OK, OK, buddy.
Just remain calm. Just calm down.
Subject is being belligerent.
May have to subdue with choke hold. Request backup.
Yo, what the hell?
Are you OK, sir?
Just blink once if yes.
l'm fine. l'm fine.
ls he forcing you to say that?
No.
l live here. This is my house.
Yeah, right, you live here. Negro, please.
Look, l got keys--
Hold it!
Don't! Don't!
l'll spray your ass.
Please don't spray his ass.
Lady, lady, this is his house.
This is Todd Andersen...
New Jersey's number-one pick.
l'll light his ass up. Let me look at you.
Oh, that is you, huh?
Yeah.
You look younger in person.
How you doing?
Good. l'm good, actually.
Well, look here. We don't play...
that ghetto nonsense around here.
No chicken heads, no hood rats...
no -ouncers...
no rims-on spinners...
and no loud music.
This ain't no Ludacris video set.
And keep them ho's away.
You don't have any chicken heads...
or ho's, do you?
Now you want to move to your parents' house?
lt's looking a lot better, isn't it?
This is what you got to deal with out in the...
Oh, she got the Bible.
What is this?
Garden Ridge Estates Rules and Regulations.
All four volumes.
l suggest you learn them.
You all right, sir? l'm sorry to startle you.
You have a lovely day.
-You have a great day. -Thanks for all your help.
l got my eye on you.
l still see you.
You feel safe now?
Yeah. l'm great.
Come on now. Come on.
Be careful with them boxes now, baby.
Yo, Ma, this is dope! You did your thing in here!
You like it, baby?
Yeah, l like it! This is crazy!
l'm glad you like it.
Come give your mama a kiss.
Thank you, Mommy.
Look here.
You see how your mama put all your pictures...
under the glass?
This way, you can look at all your pictures...
at one time.
Check this out, man.
OK, look. This is my cousin Leroy right here, right?
He failed the bar nine times.
Still gives legal advice.
Right.
Oh, look. And there goes Jasper and Jerome.
They are real country.
Who's this little girl right here...
with the funny- looking teeth?
Oh, that's my best friend--Becky.
Yeah. Oh, that's Becky.
And look here. Now that's them in the tub.
Whoa. Chill. We was just cool.
lt wasn't even like that.
Yo, but l wonder if those braces ever fixed her teeth.
You seen her?
Why? So both of you...
can take a splish-splash in your brand-new tub?
Oh, come on, baby. lt wasn't even like that.
Stop. Stop. Come on.
Come on now. That's enough of all of that.
Come on. We're going to see the bedroom.
You, come on.
My old bedroom set!
Oh!
Your mother thought it might help ease...
your transition from moving out of the house.
Thank you, Mom.
Oh, look.
Little kiddie, sporty...
Bed sheets. Yay!
Ain't they the bomb?
Maybe we can just wear...
the matching little kiddie pajamas with it, too.
l'd rather be dead than sleep in this.
Hello.
Hey, honey. ls Todd there?
Todd.
Todd.
Todd, get up!
What? What?
The phone is for you.
What's...hello.
Hey, Todd. lt's me--Wes.
You awake, buddy? l got some good news.
Come on. Get your butt out of bed.
What's up, man?
Cynthia Peters, the head of Stone Mountain Wireless,
is interested in meeting you for an endorsement.
For real?
Yes! She wants to meet you A.S.A.P.
What? Are you too busy?
No, no, no, no. l'm available.
l can do it. Are you serious?
Yes, l'm serious!
l'm gonna have her come by your house Saturday morning.
Yo, listen, man. Whenever she can do it...
l'm here. Just do it.
We'll do the meeting...
first thing Saturday morning with Ms. Peters.
Then you'll have the rest of the afternoon...
for the cookout with your parents.
Talk to you later.
l'll see you Saturday. You're rich! You're rich!
OK, bye. Bye. Baby, that was Wes.
Stone Mountain Wireless...
is considering me as a spokesperson...
for their family time campaign.
Oh, man!
Whoo! One of the reps is coming over this Saturday...
to meet me, baby.
Oh.
Yo, what did you do with all my mom's stuff?
Oh, baby, look.
Everything that your mom tried to do...
was really great and everything...
but l just think that it was a little bit too down-home...
and baby, what you need is a hip, progressive image.
Focus. Focus.
Hey, don't worry about the house, OK?
Ms. Peters is gonna be here any second.
You need to sell her on you.
On you, babe.
OK, look. Whatever it takes to get this deal.
But as soon as she leaves, l want all this stuff...
back the way it was before my mom gets here.
And you might want to return this.
No! That cock cost me a lot of money to get.
You've got a giant cock in your kitchen.
lt's ridiculous.
Baby.
l miss you.
l miss you more.
l miss you more.
Lil Dee? Who the hell is Lil Dee?
What's good, chief?
What was that-- Public Enemy?
Are you addressing me, young man?
lf you are, it is Judge Holstead Crowley...
not chief.
Hey, man, l'm Todd Andersen...
your new neighbor. Good to see...
another brother in the neighborhood, man.
Brother?
You're not any relations of mine.
O...K.
l just wanted to come over here...
and invite you to a cookout.
Thank you for the invitation, but l will not be coming...
to your...cookout.
And keep it down.
lt's one thing for you to call me out my name.
lt's a whole nother thing...
for you to call me some other trick's name.
Don't make me break the glass. l got to go.
l'll deal with you later.
Hey! Yo! Hey! Hey!
Whoa! Stop!
l'll do the talking, man.
Do l look good?
You look phat.
Step out of the car.
Step out of the car?
l'm not stepping out of the car.
You're a rent-a-cop, fool. Ha ha!
A rent-a-cop?
Yeah.
l'll have you know l passed...
the marksmanship exam with a perfect score.
l passed the physical endurance test...
in record time.
And l passed the written test...
in the top first percentile.
That's all the way at the top, OK?
Now, just because l wasn't able...
to pass some psychological exam...
don't mean l don't have no authority.
l'll break the glass on your ass.
She crazy.
Next time, at the gate, OK?
Yeah. How stupid.
Don't just drive through. Stop.
Carry your dumb asses on.
Man, let's get to cousin Todd's house, man.
Hey, what are you guys making?
We do not ''make.''
Ham-fisted day labowers make.
Labow-whats?
Labowers. The workers.
We are artists, yes?
We--poof!--create.
They create.
OK. So, what are you creating?
Please.
What the heck is a labower?
l don't know.
Just focus, OK? Ms. Peters is--
ls here.
Look. Just be cool, be yourself.
lf you feel like you're losing her...
tell her some sob story about how hard life was...
growing up in the hood.
White liberals love ''the poor kid...
from the ghetto doing good'' rap...
even though lverson almost killed it.
All right, relax, smile, look pretty.
Hello, Ms. Peters. Come on in.
Ms. Peters, it is so nice to finally meet you.
The pleasure is all mine.
l must say...
you have a lovely home, and l especially like...
the way you've decorated it.
Thank you.
You were talking to Todd. Ha ha.
Wes Reilly. Come on in.
Let's get you a nice cool beverage, OK?
Did someone just ask where their bitches are?
What's crackin', lackey cousin?
Willie, Nelson...
what the hell are you doing here?
Saturday. We came for the cookout.
No, no, no, no, no.
Yo, man, where the grubbles at?
We got the munchies like a mug, man.
Look, man, forget it.
You don't mind, do you?
No. Go right ahead.
Check this out, baby. Just like...mmm.
That just tastes, like, good.
Now, that is good.
Like a nice piece of white bread. Mmm!
With a little bit of butter on it.
OK, Wes, we've got to reschedule this meeting.
Not gonna happen.
Their new ad campaign is starting this week.
We've got to lock you in today.
No, no, no. l don't think you quite understand.
This is just the beginning.
Todd's family is like the black Beverly Hillbillies.
So unless she's trying to sell...
pig lips and some gold teeth...
she's not gonna want him.
You sure you don't want none of this?
No, no. Really, l'm...
Willie, Nelson...
why don't you come outside with me?
l want to show you something.
You ain't got to ask me twice.
Just follow me. And get up.
All rightie, then.
So, Ms. Peters--
no need for small talk, OK?
Todd is good-looking. He's charming. He's likable.
He could sell an ice cube to an eskimo.
l'm sure he can...
but we're not looking for a salesman.
What we need is a young, enthusiastic--
l see Todd done made some changes.
Yeah. Well, it was all my idea for the style...
but l just wanted to really capture Todd's tastes.
Oh, hold up, you guys.
Now, l'm the tour.
Congratulations on all your new taste.
Mom, l'd like you to meet Ms. Peters.
Ms. Peters is considering me...
as a spokesperson for Stone Mountain phones.
Yes.
Nice to meet you, Ms. Peters.
You're gonna love Todd.
He's quite the actor.
Even if he doesn't like something...
you'll think he does.
Hey, guess who we must have talked up.
Becky.
She stopped me in the grocery store.
l invited her to the cookout.
Oh, great. l can't wait to see her.
Good! Good! Becky's coming!
More visitors! Fantastic!
How does she look?
Did the braces do anything for her?
You'll see when she gets here.
You guys are staying for the cookout, right?
We're having a cookout today.
Excuse me. l got to get that grill running.
And this is our-- l mean Todd's garage.
What do you guys think?
Wouldn't mind parking in that...
every day of the week. Man!
You thinking what l'm thinking?
ls that Todd's bedroom set?
Um...that's the old one.
You see, we got a new one.
You know, this endorsement is just...
really important for Todd and l...
and we just wanted to make sure...
that we made a good impression on Ms. Peters.
Brittany, listen, honey.
How would you like to be a big hit...
with the family at the cookout?
Really?
No, no, no. A really big hit.
Goody! A project?
Well, what can l do?
OK. l want you to run up to Teaneck...
and get me a ham for my greens.
Will you do that for me?
lsn't Teaneck like an hour away?
Yeah, that's an hour away...
but that ham is Todd's favorite.
And listen here. lf you go up there...
and get that now...
Todd might buy you something special.
You think so?
l know he will.
Thank you, Auntie Em. Anything that you say.
This means so much to me. You don't even know.
The rooms are upstairs. Pool's out back.
Make yourselves at home.
And tell Todd l'll be right back.
Uh-huh. All right. All right.
Thank you.
Yeah, you go ahead on now.
Dumb-ass.
Doggie. l see you, doggie.
Pretty doggie.
You are pretty, doggie. l love you, doggie.
Yo! Get your ass up off the floor!
Huh?
Get up!
Can l help you fellas?
As a matter of fact, you can.
Let me get these cakes and, um...
everything in the register!
l want cash, coins...
food stamps, everything, man.
Hey, yo, Bling.
Your man is all over the place.
Not right now, Wheeze.
l'm in the middle of something.
lt's a nice picture of him, too.
Let me see this.
Mr. Big Shot.
Yeah. This is good.
Where can l find this house right here?
Does anybody know where Todd keeps his lard?
Lard?
Oh, my God. Oh, l feel dizzy.
Olivier, my temples-- rub them vigorously.
See what you have done?
What are you doing?
You know, l don't know who you think you are--
Who l am? You tell her who l am.
OK. He is Sven from Prague...
internationally renowned master chef--
mein chefmeister--
child prodigy...
graduate of Le Cordon Bleu...
at age nine.
Now, he is fluent in the cuisine of over nations...
and known in the culinary world...
as the Picasso of pate...
the Van Gogh of veal...
and the Michelangelo of meat.
Van hock.
And this is Lady Em of Newark.
She has been cleaning chitterlings...
since she was six...
and she is known throughout the hood...
as the Patti Labelle of pork...
the Billie Holiday of hot links...
the Aretha Franklin of fried chicken.
l cannot work like this!
Olivier...
Dramatic exit.
Wait. Wait. Where are you guys going?
Sven cannot work under these conditions!
What conditions?
The woman in the kitchen...
the Patti Labelle of pork--
she is the Coolio of canned meat.
l'm gonna go talk to her right now, and it'll be fine.
You guys, please, please don't leave.
Oh, quickly, go.
Thank you.
This cousin Todd's house?
How y'all doing? What's up, cousin Todd?
Jasper, Jerome, why? Why?
Here's your ham.
What happened?
Baby, Sven and Olivier left.
They were supposed to cook brunch for Ms. Peters.
What am l supposed to do now?
Look, l raised you and half your cousins on my cooking.
Now, if it's good enough for them...
it's good enough for her.
Now, y'all get that animal outside...
and skin him. Go ahead.
You're dropping brain all over the floor.
Yes, ma'am.
That's our homemade slip-n-slide.
Pick him up.
Homemade slip-n-slide.
Uh, Brittany.
Yes?
Low-sodium ham?
What's this, baby?
lt's healthier ham, and it's better for Todd...
because he needs to stay in shape.
Do you know what a healthy cookout is?
No, no, no. Don't answer that question.
Because there's no such thing...
as a healthy cookout.
Look around this counter.
You see anything healthy?
Look at this.
Chitterlings--sodium.
Macaroni and cheese-- sodium.
Greens--sodium, black-eyed peas--sodium...
potato salad--sodium.
Sodium, sodium, sodium! OK?
And as for Todd...
that boy's eaten so much sodium...
he could crap a salt lick.
Didn't keep him out of the pros, now did it?
Little Brittany, l need a ham.
And l want that ham to be...what?
Sodium.
With sodium.
OK.
Good girl.
Excuse me.
May l have a glass of--
Ms. Peters!
Help me, Jesus.
Quick now. And don't forget my cast-iron pot...
because Lady Em gonna try to outdo my cornbread...
as if she could.
Come on, Ma. Why does everything...
between you and Auntie Em have to be a competition?
Honey, there is no competition...
because l'm better than she is.
Now get in the house.
Frank, shake a tailfeather.
Give me a hand, Grandpa?
Nope. My hands are already filled, son.
Ho. Ho. Ho.
Stop right there.
Stop, you, right there.
Look, cut the engine off...
but don't turn off that record. That's my jam.
Yo, l'm here to see Todd Andersen.
Oh, no, l don't think so. He's over.
He's over? What you mean? He lives here, don't he?
Well, see, regulation -B, subsection clearly states...
that residents are allowed a limited number of visitors.
You mean to tell me l can't even see my own cousin?
That's exactly what l'm saying.
All right, you know what?
Listen up, rent-a-cop.
You don't even have a gun.
You have a flashlight, all right?
l didn't drive all the way up here for nothing.
You see these babies in this car?
They needs a daddy.
A...baller. Swoosh.
So what l'm gonna need you to do
is run on over to that little phone booth over there...
pick up that phone, call my cousin Todd...
and tell him Lil Dee is at the gate.
Wait. Hold up. Did you say Lil Dee?
Yes, l did.
Do you know Marquis Fontaineau?
Light skin with the good hair?
Yeah, l know him.
You know my daddy?
Aw, hell, no!
Let's roll.
Marquis, l thought you said you didn't know Lil Dee.
l met her. l seen her. l seen your damn baby.
l could be wrong, but l think you're...
getting a little heavy up on the family.
l mean, a few adds charm...
but this is starting to look...
like a rerun of Good Times.
Mama couldn't make it.
You know, her rheumatoid arthritis...
started flaring up in that left elbow.
So l had to give her an icy-hot patch.
She said she'd see you next time.
l told you to reschedule it, man.
Just go handle Ms. Peters. l'll take care of this.
All right. All right.
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
Um, Todd, do you want to do something...
about these little kids here?
l'm not your daddy. No.
Come here!
Nobody knows who your daddies are.
Now, what do you call these again?
Chitterlings. And a cookout...
ain't a cookout without them.
l hate to ask, but what exactly is a cookout?
Well, it's when the family gets together.
You see them out there?
We get together. We dance.
We grill meat. We share gossip.
We sing. We can play dominoes, cards.
We have a good time.
The three f's--
fun...
food...
family.
That ain't right.
Leroy, use a coaster, man.
You're messing up my table.
You left it out here for public use.
The law says that's an assumed risk.
You need to stop fronting like you're a real lawyer...
and pass the bar. Do that.
A real lawyer.
Hey, l know more than any real lawyer.
l took the bar times. They only took it once.
Do you know how much you learn about the law...
when you take it over and over and over?
Huh? Jojo, when is that food gonna be ready?
l'm starving.
Aw, man, nice place Todd got here.
Sure is. Mm-hmm.
l mean, look at the trees.
You know, l planted a tree once.
Never could get it to grow.
Hey...grass.
l could never get my lawn this nice.
That's because you're black.
What? l got racist grass?
No. The water company--
they pump low-grade water...
into the black neighborhoods.
That's why you never see nice lawns...
in black communities.
What the hell is low-grade water?
ls it possible, Leroy...
that people in the hood, they can't afford landscapers...
and they save money on the water...
so they don't water their lawn as much?
That's what the man wants you to think.
How far away are we?
You go south by my thumb...
and you make a right at my pinkie...
and you go two inches.
Oh, wait. Oh, wait. l got it upside-down.
This just don't make no sense.
Give me the damn map.
Let me see. l got it, Bling.
Wheeze! Wheeze!
l got it! l got it!
Let go! What you doing, man?
Watch out for the cat.
So she got mad at me...
and she's gonna...
Shut the hell up.
Look what you made me do to my car!
Sorry.
lf my arm wasn't numb right now...
l'd knock your head off.
You're confusing me here.
Which way is south?
Hey.
Look at the kitty.
That's a rare species.
Hey, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Hey, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Hey, kitty, kitty--
What the hell are you doing?
What the hell are you doing, man?
What happened?
l think he just farted on me.
What are you talking--
Fool! Get them sneakers, man!
We're running out of time over here.
My baby.
Hurry up, man.
You smell that?
What the hell is that smell?
lt's probably these stinky-ass sneakers...
you got me lugging around.
Man, them sneakers are gonna get us paid.
Man, walk over there, man. Them sneakers stink.
Look. Right.
Well, give me a leg up.
OK.
Here.
Ready?
Do you see anything?
They're turning our community...
into a trailer park in the projects.
Hey! Y'all the neighbors?
Well, come on over to the cookout.
-No. -Mmm-mm.
No, come on! Come on!
Eileen...
l'm coming for you.
Wait! Guinevere!
Good afternoon, sir.
How may l help you?
That's my wife.
Jeeves, let him in.
You must be Holstead.
Come on in and join us.
l'm Lady Em. You can call me Emma.
And this is Lil Dee.
Hey.
And these are her children.
This is Sonny Ray, Little Ray, D.J...
Sonny D., D.Q.R.S., Whatever.
So many of you.
lt's so hot in here.
Here's your ham, with all the salt and the fat...
and the artery-clogging goodness that you love.
And now my dress smells like ham.
So excuse me.
Oh, honey.
This is a boneless ham.
Yes. Yes. That is a boneless ham.
Oh, honey, it's the bone...
that gives the ham the flavor.
This will never do.
You're kidding, right?
No, l'm not kidding. Now listen.
You wouldn't want Todd to lose this deal...
because of the wrong ham now, would you? Ha ha.
No, l wouldn't.
No, l didn't think so.
Now listen, sweetie.
About miles down the road there...
there's a good butcher.
Get you a good ham, all right?
Mm-hmm. All right?
Now, l'm not quite sure...
l understand what you're getting at.
OK, lady, let me break it down...
for you, all right?
lf a black cat crosses your path...
that means what?
Seven years bad luck, right? All right.
Now, what's slang for a dude? A cat.
So ergo, i.e., l am a black cat.
So if l cross your path, you subliminally think...
that you're gonna get bad luck.
That is why my wife left me...
because l'm black.
ls he serious?
Oh, yeah. See, at every family cookout...
we get caught up on each other's lives...
no matter how sad they are.
Subliminal messages-- they're all around us.
You know, like in sports.
Like hockey. Why is there a bunch of white guys...
smacking a black puck around the ice?
Why can't the puck be white?
Well, being in sports management...
l'd venture to say that on ice...
a white puck might be difficult to see.
l'd expect you to say that.
Wait a minute, Leroy. What about golf?
l mean, the ball is white.
Yeah. You know, you're right.
And l thought about that.
ln golf, you got to do what?
Get that white ball in the hole.
Where's the hole? On the green.
Green. ''Fertility.''
You see what l'm getting at here?
Where's that hole? ln the earth.
Mother earth. ''Hi, mommy.'' Yeah.
White guys trying to get...
their white balls in mother earth...
symbolizing how they want to rape the planet.
l should write a book, man.
''That ham has too much salt in it.
''No, that ham has too much bone in it.
No, that ham has too much pork in it.''
Keep it together.
Now, what you're gonna do is...
you're gonna go get the damn ham for her...
and once all these ghetto hood rats are out of my house...
we're gonna get it fumigated.
Then l will have Todd all to myself.
What's up, gold digger?
Excuse me...
but l am not in the mood.
You know what? l'm not even mad.
Game recognize game, honey.
Game recognizes game?
Let me tell you something.
Your game is not up to par with my game.
What is it, like, five or six...
Lil Dee-Dees l see running around here?
And that old-ass Scooby Doo van...
that you've been driving around.
Yeah. l seen it.
Now, l drive a brand-new Mercedes-Benz.
And this is my mansion.
That's all fine and dandy...
but l catch your little trifling tail...
trying to play my cousin...
and l'll cut your ass.
Oh, and by the way...
that tired little dress you're trying to rock...
we all know that ain't real.
Pocahontas just trying to front...
acting like she got lndian in her family.
Little bit Cherokee.
Cherokee?
Let me tell you something.
You need not worry about your cousin...
because your cousin is my problem.
l'm gonna take real good care of him.
What you need to do is stop looking...
for your babies' daddies down at the parole office.
And you, little ghetto bird...
need to invest in a diaphragm.
Lookie here, Bling.
Look what we have here.
You fellas need a lift?
Hell, yeah. Come on, Wheeze. Let's get in.
You know, l don't mind picking you boys up...
because l know how it can be.
Right on.
l'm in the horseshit consignment business...
a manure broker, if you don't mind.
Basically, l go around to all the ranches...
l scoop up the horseshit...
and l sell it to all the farmers and the landscapers.
This stuff right here.
And if my truck breaks down...
let me tell you, God...
nobody's gonna pick up this guy...
because l stink of shit.
You want some?
No.
Good. You OK?
Now, let me tell you something.
There's a demand for good-quality shit.
l tell the farmers...
make sure you feed your horses...
a well-balanced diet.
Any doctor will tell you...
if you put good stuff in...
good stuff is definitely gonna come out.
That's it! Stop the car!
Stop the car!
And don't say shit else about shit!
Come on, Wheeze! Get the hell out of here!
Hey.
Dee, you need to check your kids.
They're scratching up my stairs. Look at this.
Oh, man, we can't do nothing over here.
l shouldn't have never came here.
l should have went to Lebron James' house.
l know that's right.
Disrespectful.
Boy, you worry too damn much.
All this running-around they doing...
they're gonna start dropping like flies in a minute.
Just chill.
l tried telling her, Todd...
but you know, some people are just uncivilized.
Leroy, Leroy, look what they did to my damn bat.
lt's my bat!
l'm coming to get you!
l'm gonna get you!
Grandpa!
Aunt Nettie, could you please keep these kids out of here?
My agent and l are trying to do some business.
OK.
Please. Just...
Calm down, honey.
Agent.
Check.
Good job.
Jamal! Jamal! Jamal!
Todd's agent is here, and baby, if he sees you play...
l know we can get a contract...
maybe even bigger than Todd's.
Mom, look. l got checkmate in one move.
And how many times l got to tell you?
l'm not trying to play pro ball.
Well, you just check that, baby.
Now, l want you to get dressed now!
No excuses!
Nettie, now Jamal has a life of his own...
that doesn't include pro basketball.
We didn't come here for a tryout.
We came here for a cookout.
When's that food gonna be ready?
Quiet, Frank!
lf you'd spent more time teaching your son how to play...
instead of feeding your face...
l wouldn't even have to be doing this!
Mama's gonna get her baby a contract...
whether he wants one or not!
You, go get your sweats on!
Now!
The boy ain't even got a hoop.
Nice and quiet.
Away from all the insanity. Have a seat.
We are so sorry about all the distractions.
l assure you, this family gathering...
was a complete scheduling mishap.
lt's OK.
l'm rather enjoying myself.
Are you? lt's fun, right? Cookouts are fun.
Anyway, let's talk about the new product launch, OK?
We know that this is very important for your company...
and we think that Todd would be...
absolutely perfect. Picture it--
young rookie, out on the road...
missing his family...
needing your service to stay in touch with them.
God!
Stop swinging that bat! Somebody's gonna get hurt!
Excuse me for a minute, Ms. Peters.
l'll be right back.
Yeah, yeah.
Foul! Foul! Y'all saw it!
lt's my bat! My bat!
Grandpa, please, please, please, not in the house.
Please, not in the house.
Rules! Rules! Rules!
Everybody always telling kids...
and old folks what to do.
Come on, kids. Let's go.
We'll show them. Come on.
We're going outside and poo-poo on ourselves.
Oh, God.
Ew...God.
Oh...
l love you, Uncle Todd.
l love you, too, man. Oh...
What's up?
Do you see that poodle?
Whose dog is that?
Yo, l'm gonna give it some cookies.
Come here, girl.
Give me one, man. Let me try. Give me one.
Here, man.
l ain't giving my cookie to no dog, man.
You must be crazy.
OK, this is it, baby. Take it to the hoop.
Take it to the hoop. This is it.
Ma, you cannot be serious.
Where am l gonna play ball?
There's no basket in here.
You want a basket?
There's your basket.
''D'' up, Leroy. No easy buckets.
Well, you don't have to worry about that...
because l'm already... l'm up in here.
Up in here, baby. Don't worry about it.
Come on, boy. Show me what you got.
Come on.
Come on. You ready for me?
Don't try to go left. Don't go left.
l'm telling you--
Yes!
That's my boy! That's my boy!
Did you see how he handled that ball?
You cannot tell me that my baby don't have game.
So, what do you think?
l think...wow. Oh, my God. l got a call.
You don't know nothing.
My Jamal, he should be playing in the pros!
Oh, yeah.
That's what l'm talking about.
You think that's enough of this in there?
Damn! What do you want now?
Did you read the rules and regulations?
Because l can see about violations in here...
and l ain't even up in here good.
You are way over the allowed amount of visitors.
You're too loud.
And do l smell a grill?
Oh, no. You need a permit to cook outdoors.
lt's just a cookout.
We ain't bothering nobody!
Look, youngblood, back the hell up.
Now, look, Mr. Andersen...
you better get your family together...
or your time at Garden Ridge will be over real soon.
That's it. That's it. That's it.
Everybody get out! After this food is done...
get a doggy bag and get out!
Hey, man, why don't you calm down, man?
You trippin'.
What is wrong with you? You--
Hey, you hear me talking?
Don't turn your back on me.
Jojo.
Yeah. lt's all right, baby.
What's wrong with him?
lt's all right, baby.
lt's OK. lt's all right.
He's gonna be all right.
What's wrong with him?
l hate to interrupt...
but have either of you seen my dog? Guinevere.
Guinevere.
l've been looking for you.
ln the house, Guinevere.
Oh, no.
ls that what l think it is?
Yeah.
l'm shocked at you two young men.
So am l.
We're sorry.
l weep for your generation.
ln my day...
no one would consider baking with inferior ingredients.
Take the high road, my sons.
There's no such thing as an...easy bake.
Light 'em up. Light 'em up.
l can't feel my face, man.
Ah, who would have thought...
that a straight-laced dude like you...
would enjoy getting a lift? Man.
l used to like to do a lot of things...
before l married Mrs. Crowley--
drink malt liquor...
listen to rap music...
eat Oreo cookies.
Oh, l know that one.
lf she's such a buzz-kill then...
man, why did you marry her?
lt was a good business decision.
See, she comes from money...
and where l was raised, money marries money.
Yeah, but them tits is nice, too, though, huh?
What about them nipples? She got some little raisins...
or some nice big gumdrops?
That's my wife you're talking about.
Oh, my bad, man.
Sorry.
OK.
Gumdrops.
l knew it! l seen them in her shirt!
You mind if l help?
Knock yourself out.
Oh! Sweet Jesus!
Hey, hey, hey. Come on.
Let me help. Let me help.
You'll tear the thing up.
ls it coming out?
You can put a flower or something over it.
A flower, Em? Look at this.
l got to take this back tomorrow.
$ ?
Why'd you spend $ on a dress?
l wanted to be more fabulous than you, OK?
Nettie, come on. Come here.
Come on. Sit down.
God, Nettie, come on now.
When you and me, we were coming up...
we were tight, we were close.
Then everything changed. Everything.
Why?
All the while we were growing up...
all l ever heard was how beautiful Emma was...
and how smart Emma was.
Even now, it's like you're the better parent.
Todd is hosting a cookout in this castle...
and Jamal can't even get a pro basketball tryout.
You're acting like...
this is some kind of competition.
Jamal is top honors in his class, Nettie.
He's damn near a straight-A student, OK?
He could be a doctor or a lawyer.
You ever think about that?
He could change the world.
Wow. Change the world.
Lawyers and doctors make good money.
Hello.
This ain't no competition, but...
they make good money.
Miss Becky Cruz.
Hey.
Hey, Lady Em. Thanks for inviting me.
Hi, baby.
Your mother told me l'd find you back here.
Cookout's around the back.
Just follow the cigarette burns and the doo-doo diapers.
You don't recognize me, do you...Doo-doo head?
Doo-doo head?
Buck teeth, braces, glasses so thick...
l could see into the future.
Becky?
Yo. Girl.
Hey.
Sit down. Sit down. Sit down.
Oh, man.
Damn, girl!
You look... What happened?
You...you did your thing.
What can l say?
After years in braces...
l guess my teeth finally decided to cooperate.
The last time l saw you was...
the cookout that my moms threw for me and Jamal...
before l went to Rutgers.
Yeah. l just graduated from Spellman.
Congratulations.
Thanks. l just moved back home.
l start at dental school in the fall.
But enough about me.
Look at you.
You've come really far, Doo-doo head.
Not far enough.
When moms gave word about this cookout...
my family started showing up...
faster than roaches at a garbage strike.
Yo, hurry up. What's taking you so long?
Yo, Wheeze, hurry up so we can get out of here.
l almost got it.
Excuse me. What do you think you're doing?
Come here and shut up.
Aah! Please don't hurt me.
Just drive the car and nobody will get hurt...
you sexy little self.
OK, l will, but my boyfriend's really rich.
He'll give you anything you want.
You just get us to Garden Ridge.
We'll worry about your boyfriend later.
Remember about two years ago...
when you were playing against lndiana State?
You were struggling the whole game.
That was the worst game l ever had.
Yeah, l think l was, like...
for from the free-throw line.
Your family had these big signs up...
with your name on them...
and they stayed up the entire game...
even when you were on the bench.
They brought those signs to every game.
They've always had your back.
W-wait a minute. Wait a minute.
So you used to watch me play?
Don't change the subject.
But...yes.
Just because we lost touch...
doesn't mean l didn't check up on you.
l guess l got some apologizing to do.
Yep.
You know, Becky...
l always, always thought you were...
really special to me, and, um...
it was something l always wanted to do...
but l never got a chance to--
l wanted to do that earlier.
Whoo! Yes.
Come on.
Summer. lt's really summer.
Yeah. Thank you, man.
Ma, those potatoes you made earlier was banging.
Look, Ma, the stuff l said earlier--
l love you, too, Todd.
Come here.
l'm sorry, Mom. l'm sorry.
Jeeves, what are you doing?
Well, l'm giving to-go containers...
to your guests, Sir.
Man, put those away.
People only use those to bring food home...
after a cookout.
Oh. Very good, Sir.
Let's go. Let's go.
l put his ass in check right quick...
just like l done you.
Plus that stupid gate arm won't open.
Oh!
Remember, l always loved you, baby.
Time to break the glass.
You know, l'm... l'm trying to find...
my husband Holstead.
Have you seen my husband Holstead?
My husband Holstead? Excuse me!
Has anybody seen Holstead?
My husband.
Holstead!
What have you done?
What it look like?
l gave me and that bitch some flavor.
What did l tell you about using that kind of language...
in front of--Aah!-- language in front of her?
Have you forgotten how sensitive she is?
Look here, woman.
Things are gonna change around here.
l'm tired of you putting your foot...
on the back of a brother's neck all the time.
There it is.
Amen, brother.
Don't let her put white balls in mother earth.
Damn straight.
l've never seen you like this before.
l mean, you're so proud and...sexy.
Let's...go home. Now.
Woman, what did l just tell you?
We go home when l say so.
All right.
Come on. Let's go.
l know that's right, Mrs. Crowley.
You better get that.
OK, everybody, let's say grace.
Todd, you're our host. Lead us in prayer.
Dear Lord, thank you for this gathering--
Sir!
A Mr. Big Pimping Bling-Bling...
and Mr. O.G. Big Wheezer.
What's that smell?
lt's the sneakers...
the funky-ass sneakers over there.
That don't smell like feet.
lt smells like ass.
Yeah.
Y'all are doing the damn thing in here, huh?
Corn...
ham...
some chicken...
mac and cheese.
Looks like y'all don't need no more of that.
Brittany, what's this trash...
you done brought up in this house?
l'm sorry. He has a gun.
But, Lady Em, here's the ham.
lt has bone in it and everything.
Why is it that every time...
black folks get together to have a good time...
jokers like you always seem to mess it up?
Your kind is the reason...
good folk like Todd leave the neighborhood.
Young man, you're not welcome here.
Shut the hell up, lady.
Take care of them kids back there.
That's what you need to be doing.
Look, man, who are you?
And what the hell are you doing in my house, man?
Don't act like you don't know me.
l taught you everything you know.
Now get your ass up against the wall...
and sign them sneakers.
Hey, man.
What?
Look over there.
What's she trying... What's she saying?
All right, Luscious. l'll see you later.
Todd, are you in some kind of trouble?
Pop, l don't even know who these dudes are.
Does this sort of thing occur frequently?
Oh, yeah. l've been to many cookouts...
and let me tell you...
this kind of thing happens all the time.
lt's all part of the festivities.
You might want to hide the pearls.
l just want you to know that Todd and his family...
are all law-abiding citizens...
and l hope this doesn't affect your decision...
on giving Todd the campaign.
You might want to put your hands back.
Hey, give me the bat, old man.
Act scared. lt's kind of fun.
Get your hands off my wood!
This guy, he sort of reminds me of someone.
ln fact, remember that guy...
we used to go to school with...
the one they used to bug?
Percival ass...something.
Get your hands off my wood, sucker!
Yeah.
Percival?
Percival Assmackey?
Percival Assmackey?
Shut up!
Stop laughing at me!
Shut the hell up! Stop laughing at me!
You two, stop laughing!
Stop laughing at me!
All right. All right. All right. All right.
Shut up! And it's pronounced...
''Assmokee.''
lt's West African!
Y'all think this is real funny.
Why are we wasting time with them?
l say we throw these bums out...
and let's get to eating.
Come on!
Sit your asses down!
Unless you want me to blow a hole...
in this $ million knee of yours.
No!
No!
Brittany.
What the hell is going on in here?
You're OK. Jamal is here.
Here you are, Sir.
Thank you.
Be careful, Jamal.
You don't know what you're doing, sweetie.
Ma, yes, l do. l know exactly what l'm doing.
Look, l've been trying to tell you, l'm pre-med.
l'm going to medical school next year.
Ooh, a doctor.
Did somebody say ''doctor''?
Man, enough of this! l'm sick of y'all!
Shut the hell up!
Wheeze, get on down here.
Get all the cash and the jewelry.
Get these sneakers signed. Let's get the hell out of here.
Ah! Freeze!
You don't want none of this, boy.
That was some great police work...
apprehending these two.
Thank you, officer. Glad to be of service.
Yeah. You know what?
l like your attitude.
You seem way too qualified to be a security guard.
Have you ever considered...
a career in law enforcement?
All right, everybody!
Deejay Enuff! Heavy Hitters!
We're about to take it to the old school!
Let's go! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Here we go!
Miss Dee, why don't you hit me...
with some of those digits?
l like the way you rock, Jeeves.
l'm feeling you. Uh! Uh! Come on. Back it up.
Your family is a trip.
Yes, they are.
-Go, Todd! -Go, Todd!
-Go, Todd! -Go, Todd!
-Go, Todd! -Go, Todd!
-Go, Todd! -Go, Todd!
Can l talk to you for a second?
Oh. Ho. Uh-oh. You're in trouble.
What are you doing dancing with that girl?
She's not even cuter than l am.
Who? Becky? She's my friend.
You hurt yourself dancing with these people...
you're not gonna get paid...
for the time that you spend recuperating.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. ''These people''?
Yeah.
Let me tell you something. l...
Brittany...
l want to see other people.
ls it something that l said?
lt's everything you say. lt's everything you do.
l need somebody l got more in common with...
like, somebody l can relate to...
somebody that can relate to me.
l can relate to you. l can relate to you.
l can be... street, you know.
l can be like, ''Yo, yo, G. What's up?''
You know, l can ride or dive...thing.
You have no idea...
what l'm talking about, do you?
No. Please. Please, baby.
l don't... l don't want to work...
and l don't want to pay bills.
l don't want to... l want the diamonds.
Please, can l keep the Mercedes...
and the diamonds? Please.
You can keep the diamonds.
Leave the car keys in the house...
after you get your stuff...
and you get out.
Thanks.
Where's the doctor at?
Whoo-hoo! Todd, we got it!
Yeah! When do we start?
Now.