Crimewave Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Crimewave script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie by Sam Raimi and The Coen Brothers starring Bruce Campbell.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Crimewave. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Crimewave Script



Hudsucker State Penitentiary



No, no...



Just fried Gurwitz



You're next, Ajax



But I'm innocent, innocent I tell ya



Don't give them the satisfaction






Well, good luck kid,

give my regards to God



Come on, I got a seat for ya!



Say, you look like

a couple of reasonable fellows



so let me explain what's going on here



I'm not supposed to be here!



It's all a big mistake



It's not hard killing and



these things do happen and



naturally I can explain everything



see I only worked for

Mr Odegard and Mr Trend



I was an employee in the security shop



and Mr Odegard wasn't

a very nice guy and...



Don't sit up Vic!



I guess he was planning to

sell the shop right up



from under Mr Trend's nose



Oh, tell me Odegard

dear l-o-b-e love it



Did it die, did it...

trip your alarm?



Frankly, Renaldo, what you do

with this shop



after you bought it

doesn't interest me in the least



Let's keep this little transaction

to ourselves



I wouldn't want my partner

to know he's losing his business



Somehow, Mr Trend

must have found out about it



Mr Trend wasn't such a bad guy



but he and his wife have spent...



their whole life into that business




Mr Trend would have done anything

for his wife, anything



Hello, exterminators, Trend?



Are you there?



Give me the word,

come on



We Kill All Sizes



Tonight, you'll be working late, alone...



and make it quick



I don't want him to suffer



Do you hear that?

He doesn't want him to suffer!



Helene, I'll never let that rat destroy

our happiness



you can count on it



So, sssooo you see...



I had no idea Mr Trend

was up to something



nobody did,

he was between the two partners



:...I had nothing to do with it



:f you could only find Nancy,

she's my witness



if you could only find her

she'll tell you I'm totally innocent



She'll tell you the whole time

I was across the street from the shop



installing the video security system



in Mr Trend's apartment building



Mr Trend!



Honey, I'm home



Who is it?



It's me Mr Trend!



Oh, hi!

Vic, what's on your mind?



It's only a stamp thing,

it's a broom closet!



Well, one more camera



Mr. Trend and it's...



back to the shop



Fine, back to the...



You know Vic,

I'm glad we ran into each other



in this amusing fashion



For a long time now

we've been working hard with you



you know you're always been

more than just an employee



to Helene and :



Honey, I'm home



You find this work appealing

don't you Vic?



And how, Mr Trend!



But have you ever thought

about the grand design?



You know,

there's something missing in there Vic



A door Mr Trend?



What's behind the door Vic?



Oh,... Oh...Jeez,...



Mr. Trend I'd love to have it

for you but on my salary



a larger apartment is...



I'm not talking about the anteroom,




I'm talking about

the little princess inside



Lord knows I'll do anything for Helene



Don't go back to the shop



Take the rest of the day off,

now you go out and find a little princess



that you'd do anything for her,

now you go out here and find yours



Oh, Thanks Mr. Trend



Just make sure that...

she knows who's the boss



Okay-okay Mr. Trend



How are you Colonel?






One might be loving hell of a storm



You know how I can tell?



No, how?



Steel plate in my head



Yes sir, career was no picnic



Word of advice son,

when you hook up for a gee



don't fuck with the silly that lives out



Shields with nobody but present arms



Yes Sir, there is one a woman

I can take care of herself...



all by herself...



Taking care of herself,

that's important but two people



taking care of each other,

that's romance...romance



Let's see:



How to Talk to Girls



chapter one:

The perfect woman



Of course the perfect woman

is not just gonna walk into my life, Gee...



Ohhooooooooo. Holy bolly!



Oh! my goodness, are you OK?



Come on fuck,

you're in the middle of the road!



You're a maniac!




I've never seen anything like that!



Are you all right?

Oh, oh!!



Oh you've got it in here... Jesus!



One more thing child,

don't you ever call me a maniac



Are you all right?



Yeah, are you all right?







Excuse me?






Oh, :... :...I thought you...

said something








Well...Thanks again



Oh! Would you... have...



some lunch some evening?



I'm sorry, No!



Ah, or a cup of coffee?



No, no, really, :...



Ah, Ok!



No, that's not...really... :...



:f you're not hungry

maybe we could just chat...



Hey, hey!



...I've got the rest of my day off and...






Hi! Hey cupcake



Say, where were you?



I had to walk home from work



Oh! :... Oh :...

ran into an old army buddy



and I was detained



Hi, I'm Vic



Glad to know you



Say, what the hell,

in the neighborhood



what do you say



you and I go out

and draw a couple of hours, huh?



Well, I don't know...



The date then

  o'clock Rialto Caf?, hey...



Well, Okay!



Socially the man's a genius,

I wonder if he's read this book



Bye Baby!



Good bye Renaldo, good bye!



Nobody... in the city...

I ain't seen nothing like this...



Storm! City in Chaos!



Are you OK?



Jesus, I don't know



Did you see that?



Helene, please come away

from the window



:s that Mr Odegard's car down there?



Honey, this roast is absolutely delicious



:s Mr Odergard working late tonight?



No, he went home,

to eat his dinner



he was very hungry when he went home



Ho, it looks like

there is a light on down there



Helene, your food's getting cold



He's still there honey

it's half passed   o'clock



I didn't know he'd still there honey



I didn't know that Mr Odergard

would be working late tonight



Wait, I think somebody's with him



I'm going down there



Get off that fucking window!



I'm sorry



I'll go down



You can't go out in this...

terrible weather



Don't call anybody



I'll see what's going on



Remember what I said



I didn't expect him in the shop tonight



it's a complete surprise to me,

a total surprise...and...



You'd like that wouldn't you baby?



A thousand guys would give

a thousand bucks to have dinner



with a girl like that



Just look at that guy



I'm not that kind of girl!



Well, with a little of practice

you could learn to be



Nice tie!



Ooh! $   



Ok, here is forty



you took the dinner,

I had the appetizer



Call me a sport



I'd call you a heel!



So I'm a heel



So whatever? So are you



Maybe I'm just a guy who hates heels



Maybe I'm a heel

who hates guys who hate heels



Oh yeah?

Well maybe I'm a guy...



Oh, ah...






Oh oh in the eye, noodles



No one! No one!



What the hell am I doing here?



I got a Jesus Christ



how do I get myself into this?



So partner...



Nobody makes a fool out of

Ernest Aloysius Trend



now everything's hunky-dory



No witnesses,

I know Officer



I couldn't say where he is



Enemies? Not that I know of, knew of...




Donald was very much beloved by all



Of course, sure he's all right



Ah, ha, ha...!



Ernest, is everything all right?



Yes fine.... the shop



Are you sure?



...back door...



Ok, and come on honey,

your dinner is getting cold



Ok, I'm coming home dear, good bye



I used to think that the key to




was the insulation and

repair of small electrical appliances



but...but I don't claim to know



about the grand design



but lately I haven't been able to



shake the feeling that

something's missing



and I'm not talking

about the four year at the anteroom



Cherish is the word I'd use to

describe all the feelings that I have



I didn't hear for you inside



I don't know how many times

I wish that I had told you



I don't know how many times

I wish that I could hold you



I don't know how many times...



I wish that I could

mould you into someone...



I haven't seen you here before



I like that kind of woman



You're cute



Keep talking baby,

maybe you'll tell me something



I don't know about me



...I don't know how many times

I wish that I could hold you



I don't how many times I wish...



Arthur,... For all we know,

this is the guy that hired us



Now it's a two for one sale



So, I guess, what I'm trying to say is

that the perfect woman is



is pretty much in the eye of the beholder



Strange how some dames dick round



where they can have frame rare



Oh you're rare!



No one can be perfect on the alarm



Each person needs someone to



believe them, to see them as being

someone special



people shouldn't be afraid to

take care of each other



Nancy, today, when I saw you fall



all I wanted to do is take care of you



I did... didn't you...






Ernest Aloysius Trend,

what on Earth is keeping you?



Have a cab?

You'll pay for that



I don't want to break a hundred



I take the bag sir



Lady, you haven't seen nothing...yet!



God mother's son,

what is all that work about here?



Victor, you're a very nice guy



and I appreciate what you try

to do for me tonight



but this is one woman

who can take care of herself



Vic, would you lend me $   ?






:f I had $   ...



I don't usually walk around with

that much money on me!



So where on Earth

am I going to get $   ?



Ladies and gentlemen



the winner of tonight's Rialto dance riot

will receive $   



Woman found torn limb from limb

in west side apartment






It's an emergency...

oh please, help me...



there's a man...ah!



Well you see my husband

was across the street and...



ah...ah...before that, I've seen

Mr Odegard



I've seen the car too late and :...



Where am :?



I like it that way



Help! Help!



Stop it you little punk



I'll kick your ass



Buckwheat I was going to

give you an advantage



...Iook at God sweetheart,

Mister or use the button



what used to be and what made it



Mr Yarman?



Right down Mrs. Trend there's one way

to catch the rat in the dark



you wait



Rat, he just got to

show you his pink little ass



You can't seem to catch this rat!



I'll get you



I even made what you could get away

from Mr Yarman



You see?



It's a long road that's got no end



To catch a rat, you got to find him first






A rat like me is hard to find



Oh honey, look at that man!



I'm not getting involved



Hey, what's so funny of this rat to us






Some night hah?



Some night?

It couldn't have possibly been worst



I always keep run over,

I lose a dance contest



get stood up by a heel



and spend most of the evening

washing dishes to...



pay for a good time I didn't have



It couldn't possibly have been worst



You met me didn't ya?






I think things could have been

a lot worst



Look at the bright side



You and your bright side?



There is no bright side



You're not being rational Nancy



of course there is a bright side



No bright side, no bright side,

no bright side, NO BR:GHT S:DE!



Nancy, I'm going to pretend

I didn't hear that... Oh!



I can take care of myself



Of course you can, Nancy



but taking care of each other,

that's what's important



Your Gift Will Help A Needy Child

On Christmas



You're ruining my day



What did I do?



Car   car  

report to Watchtower apartments



...who are you anyway...






Come on, come on



You elevator



Come on, God...



I'm Captain in this elevator...



and we are stopping at every floor



Nancy, once we get you back

in your apartment and all cleaned up



you'll feel like a million bucks,

here we go!



OK Nancy, my eyes are closed



you can hand me that dress now



Can I open my eyes yet?



Not yet!



Behind you



Open up please, Police



Where did you get the Negro, Butch?






What kind of paranoid schizo

could kill a man in cold blood



and then jelly up his face

with shaving cream?



My dad!






I don't know what I ever saw...



in that heel in the first place...



Oh, he's not such a bad guy,

just a little confused



I'm confused too, Vic



No Nancy, I think

your emotions are wonderful...



I wish I could be as expressive as you



you were so free when you kissed me



in the restaurant and then you slapped



I think you're wonderful...



:... have to get some more Sudzo

for that dress



I'll be right back






I've just been thinking about

what you said...



and it's very sweet but the truth is...



I haven't been completely honest

with my feelings about you...



Thank you for helping me tonight



No problem



Of all the men I've known,

none of them would have done



what you did for me tonight






I just want you to know :

I think you're a very wonderful



and a very special person



It's not often I get a chance

to meet a girl like you



Nancy?...Where are you?



Fresh...Freshening up



It sounds like a congestion's

moving to your throat



Listen, I just saw Mrs. Ellroy in the hall...



and she said that there are a couple of

maniacs running around with forks



in their noses and she is concerned



because she hasn't seen Jack

or Jack junior for...for quite a while






Yeah, it sounds like they're

a couple of real sickos



...a couple of maniacs



I know you can take care of yourself...



but... I just sort of pass it along



well tonight certainly has been

rough on you.. but... :...



I just have to tell you Nancy,

for me it's been



the most wonderful night of my life



You probably are fragile,

a girl like you



who's met lots of swell guys and...



I know that'll sounds funny...



to a girl like you who's met



Iots of swell guys



and have lots of wonderful evenings



I've never met a girl like you before...



but I've never met a girl like you




What a chunky!



I know I don't deserve you



but I just had to tell you how I felt



before :... walked out of your life...

for ever...



It's all right, pal



you could tell me to stay

if you wanted to...



if you don't, I'll understand



I understand



I think he's gone



Iisten I just have to get a chance

to thank you before he goes



I really knock on the core



gosh it's a terrific place she got here



oh gosh do your hair smells terrific



you know I don't get a chance...



to be with a girl like you



I never had a chance



Mrs Trend... you'd better get back to

your apartment



there are a couple of maniacs

loose in this building



I told you never to call me that






Does he have a problem?



Hey, Arthur? Every man for himself?



Are you there? Here I come



Come back here



Hey, baby, do you want to over

my bed there



we'll have a scotch on the sofa



You're a heel



So I'm a heel



So what of it



I'm not just a bad guy, so am :?



Get out of the way






I got him! Oh my God!






Would you cease immediately,

put her down this instant



you filthy little man



Who's gonna stop me you old bat



Your little sad dogs?



That's right



Hey where are you going?



Hey you're a real witch, son of a bitch



Hey, what a drivers



Wait a minute, I'm going to get you






What's the trouble son?



Some maniacs are after my girl...



and I wonder if you'd let me take your...



Are you in love son?



Yes sir, I reckon I do



She sticks a little on third



I don't claim to know a whole lot

about the grand design



Those fellows are gonna suck

on some of you



Arthur, go ahead, go on



No, no,...



Go ahead, take one



No, no I don't need it



Arthur, I tell you it's OK



Go on



Oh, we'll get her



Silly, get out of the way






I'm coming Nancy!



May way for my car!



You're under citizen's arrest



It's justice



Should I stop?



Not just yet



Nancy, I need petrol



What petrol?






Oh, you're there!



Right Mister!



Look at your back!



Medium or well done?



I want my shocker



Mister, you've done some bad things



I'm gonna deal out some swift justice...



this one's for bothering my girl...



this one's for giving me this...



this one's for ruining my date



and here is one for

all the folks everywhere



OK son, I'm out, please don't kill me...



well...:... I'm sorry



Sometimes, sorry is not good enough



Wait, from now on I'll be good



I swear it's the truth

just more gent, friend



All right,

but just this once



Put it there buddy



Well it look like

it's the end of the road for you Vic



No, don't look now

but here comes an overpass



You really tear me out Vic,

can I call you Vic?



I mean that's the difference

between me and you



that's why you're down there



and I'm up here you see Vic



you believe in people

and I don't



that's why I'm gonna stick...



Arthur... Arthur!






Nancy, Nancy



I got you Nancy



You still don't want stop to this?



I certainly intend to



This is a nightmare



Here we go!



Hold on kid, we're almost there



You'd better fuck off



You wanna play rough hey



Let's go



Hit the rail, fatso!






Nancy, Nancy, jump! Nancy, jump!



I can't make it



You can make it



I'm too far



Gimme your hand Nancy






Hold on! Are you all right?



No Nancy, please, oh, oh, ok



not the hair, goodness,

oh, my goodness



oh, are you all right? oh no!



Oh who are those guys anyway?



Oh, Gee.. I don't know



I mean, where do they come from?



oh, I can't believe...



:...:...Well, how did they get you?



Nancy, I came into your room



and I thought you didn't care about me



Oh! Vic, I do care... you save...



And then I hit the water



so you see I'm practically a hero,...



oh thanks, so if it hadn't been for me



there is no telling how many people

those maniacs might have killed



Tell it to Saint Peter!



Saint Peter?

Oh yeah that's a good one!



But seriously, if you could just find



Nancy she'll prove every thing I told you



Nancy, Nancy, you probably

killed her just like all the others



She is alive, I tell you,

she was on the bridge



I don't know what happened to her



but maybe if you ran a picture of her

in the paper



Ah! sure! Yeah,

we'll run a picture of her?









Next to your opening



Yeah! Take my...



Well, I still have five minutes



Hold it! Hold it!



Am I too late?






Oh! God, I didn't want to miss this






That man is innocent!






Oh come on!



Victor, darling, you have no idea



When you fell off, I thought



you were dead, I wondered for days



What were you wondering about?



And then, those sisters took me in



Hi! I'm Vic



I was about to take my vow of

eternal silence when I heard



this horrible mistake in the newspapers



Can you good sisters

corroborate this young lady story?



They can't speak!



They've taken the vow of eternal silence



Too bad!






Hero executed...almost!



Nuns break    year vow of silence



She likes me!

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