Daddy Day Care Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Daddy Day Care script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Eddie Murphy And Jeff Garlin.   This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Daddy Day Care. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Daddy Day Care Script



Good morning, Daddy.



Hey, Ben, how you doing, man?



Oh, God.



Daddy's got to get ready for work.



Can't you stay home?



No. I got a real big day at work today.






Where's my cell phone?



It's with my crayons.



It's not supposed to be with the crayons.



There you go, sweetie.



Okay, has anybody seen my beeper?



Here it is.



Right by the grape juice.

I wonder how it got there.



Are those my note cards

that I've been working all night on?



I've been up all night

and now they're all sticky.



Sorry, baby.









Yeah, I'll see you later.



Don't forget about the orientation today.

The what?



Chapman Academy? The preschool?



Okay. Right.

Is there any way we could reschedule that?



Maybe we shouldn't.



Maybe we should take care of business

and be responsible parents.



Don't worry.



Don't be late.

I will not be late.






I won't be late.



See you later.



Did he promise?

He sure did.



What's going on?



Your worst nightmare.






Mr. Broccoli's a no-show.



He got a call-back

on a potato chip commercial.



These snack foods are killing us!

Yeah, I know.









The guy who smells the mail?



We need a guy to wear a broccoli suit,

not a normal guy.



Marvin, my man!



My friend, Marvin. What's going on today?

Listen, I need a favor.



We're having a focus group

and the broccoli guy left.



I was wondering if you'd put the suit on

and cover for us?






I can't do the broccoli

because it's just not me. Sorry.



Can I be the carrot, though?



Yeah, you could be the carrot.



Let him try your carrot on.




You'll be the broccoli.

I don't want to be a bush.



It's not a bush, it's a stalk.

A strong stalk of broccoli.



I'm pretty strong.

You can make that work.



Let's switch this suit and get the broccoli.



Trust me on this. Let's go.






I am the broccoli and don't know why!



CA-R-R-O and a T!



Carrots are healthy for you and me!



You want to do the dance?

Go Broccoli, it's your birthday!



Go Carrot, go Carrot, go!

No, I don't want to.



Hello, boys and girls!



Zowie! Do we have

a special treat for you today!



"Hey! We have a brand-new cereal!



"You're the first kid"






It's super yummy.



And loaded

Phil, help me.



with all sorts of stuff that's good for you.



And do you know what we call it?






This cereal sucks!



They're turning on us.



Give it a chance. Let it get in their mouth.

They got to taste it.



Take that!



Help me, Charlie!



Not in the face! Save yourself, Carrot!



Call security now. Stop that!



I guess we better go in, Pooch.

Your Daddy will come a little later.



Come here, let me see you.



I am so sorry, baby.



Things got crazy at work.

What's going on, man?



Look at this place.

It's Princeton for preschoolers.



Let's hurry up

so we won't be late for the orientation.



What's the orientation about?



It's a preschool,

they'll be playing with blocks, right?






Language skills are a critical component

here at Chapman.



They're part of our core curriculum.



You must be Charles.



Call me Charlie. Nice to meet you.

How do you do?



This is my wife, Kim.




Kimberly. I'm Miss Harridan,

the headmistress.



And this is Ben.



How do you do, Benjamin?



Come on, little man.

It's a pleasure to meet you.



Shall we begin?



Look at their outfits. I like that.

They're cute.



We find uniforms reinforce

the sense of structure.



Structure's good.



Our philosophy is that

a child is like a climbing vine.



With structure to cling to,

and the right gardener to tend them



they'll grow to the sky.




So, Mrs. Hinton



you're returning to work?



Lawyer, I believe your file said.



Actually, I haven't practiced yet.



We just had Ben when I finished law school.



Still a little nervous about leaving him.



All mothers are. But you needn't worry.



Our little seedlings are in very good hands.



Turn the darn phone off.

It's off.



And attack!



Now mark your books, number five.



Cat is to mouse as frog is to



Are they doing SAT prep?



It's never too early to start.




That's right. Nest.



I thought you turned your phone off.

It's not my phone, it's my two-way.



This is bad.



Go ahead.



Okay. Thank you, baby.



I am terribly sorry.

I have an emergency at work. I gotta go.



I understand.

I'm sorry.



Hey, little man.



Daddy's got to get going,

but I'll see you later on, okay?



You want to do the rocket ship?



Let's do the rocket ship.



Sorry about all the noise.



Here you go. Go to Mommy.



I'll see you later. Thank you for your time.



I'm so sorry.

He's trying out a new product at work.



No need to apologize.

Diligence always sets a fine example.



Jenny. Just in time.



Here's a copy of our curriculum



and a list of your financial obligations.



This is the price per year?



Per month.



Ben is starting preschool today.

Where at?



Over at that Chapman Academy.



The Marine Corps of day care.

Max goes there.



Really? What do you think of that place?



There isn't much choice.

You got Harridan and her merry fembots



or Idiot von Idiot and their School

for Children Who Like Accidents.



Numbers just came in

for Chocolatey Chocolate Balls.



Through the roof!



That's a surprise. You hear that?

Kids like chocolate.



Ice cream, too.



I forgot I was talking to the granola-heads

from the natural food division.



What was the stinker you got saddled with?



It's not a stinker.

It's Veggie-Os, the cereal of the future.



Right, Veggie-blows.

I thought they were killing that.






The numbers on the Chocolatey Chocolate

Balls are through the roof!



What does he mean, "killing that"?



Why you listening to Bruce?

Nothing's being killed. He's a clown.



If something was going down, we'd know.



We're killing it.



Come on, Jim. We had one bad test.

It's a hard nut to crack.



Any fool can sell

Chocolatey Chocolate Balls



and cotton candy-flavored cereal to kids.



Cotton candy. That's not bad.



Guys, look. I'm sorry, but it was a dog.



Kids just don't want to eat vegetables

for breakfast. Who knew?



I told you that six months ago

when you put us on this project.



You did?



It's not just Veggie-Os.



We're shutting down

the whole health division.



That's like     people.



It's not a business we want to be in.



Where are we being reassigned?



Pooch, how was your first day at school?






Just okay?



I don't know anybody there.



Give it some time. You'll make some friends.



How was your day, baby?



I lost my J-O-B.



You lost your J-O-B?



I got F-l-R-E-D.



Me and     other people.



They cannot do that!



Can't Jim Fields do something?

He's the one that pulled the trigger.



He's not gonna do anything.



When I found out it was him,

I told him to take a flying









Don't worry about this.



I'm in demand,

and I'll have a new job in a week.



What if we use the emergency fund?



We can't.

We already used it on the car payment.



There's no way around it.



We gotta pull Ben out of Chapman.

It's too much money.



What will we do for child-care?



Are you gonna stay home with him?

No, I'm not gonna stay home with him.



We just gotta find something

more affordable, that's all.



This is the right address.

You gotta be kidding me.



We can at least check it out.

Ben is not going here.



Looks can be deceiving. I'll go look.



Looks can be deceiving?

We're in a trailer park!



I'm looking for the preschool.



Yes, it is.



Welcome to the






Welcome to the Touch of Eden Preschool.



Can I help you?

No, thank you.



Is this the right address, here?

I think so.



We keep the children right around here.



Go ahead. After you, ma'am.






Where'd you get this address?

You picked this place.



We should report this to somebody.



That's what I'm talking about.



I knew there had to be

at least one decent place.



It looks all right.



This is the police.



We have you surrounded.



All right, Charlie. Give up the keys.



I don't know where the keys are.



Don't even try it.



Why don't you drive the minivan?

No. We talked about this last night.



You're staying home with Ben.

I'm driving the Mercedes.



You have me driving around town

in the dumb minivan all day.



Is the top down?



You know what, Kim?



Be careful. Don't just park it anyplace.



Be careful getting in and out of the car.

Don't get any dings in the door.



Come here.



Make sure you put good gas in there.

If you put in the cheap stuff



the engine will start knocking,

and I don't want that.



You don't leave milk in the car

with the windows rolled up.



Always buckle up the car seat.



Don't park in the sun

or the seats will get too hot.



And no juice unless it's in a sippy cup.



Bye, baby.



Can you give a call,

tell us what time you'll be back?



Because we'll be here waiting,

just the two of us.



Bye, Mom.



Not too fast!



See you later.



When's Mommy coming back?



She'll be back around dinnertime, Mommy.



Is dinnertime soon?



No, but don't you worry.

We're going to have a lot of fun.



But we need Mommy to have fun.



Are you trying

to just break me down in the driveway?



Why you want to break your father down?

I'm sorry.



That's better. You broke me down smooth.



My eyes welled up.

I'm sorry.



You made my eyes well up.

Okay, let's



Look at my eyes.

I see your eye twitching.



We're going to have fun!



Do you know how to change a diaper?



Yes, but I thought Max was potty-trained.



Believe me, so did I.



Don't do that to me! What are you



He's throwing things at me, and it smells.



I really need your help!



Are you potty-trained?




You got to go stinky?






Then, go on. Go stinky, then.



You have a nauseous ache in your stomach

that you're a worthless failure?



We are worthless failures.



Hey, guys.



Hey, Peggy. How you doing?




What's going on, Nicky?



He can be a little hard

to understand sometimes.



Honey, go play. Have a good time, have fun.



Stay away from that cat poop.



"Hija"? What'd he just say?

God, I haven't a clue.



The doctor says it's just a phase, but



It kept him out of Chapman.






Put that mouse down!



Give it to me!



What are you



Charlie, I think it's great,

you guys being full-time dads.



We're real giants among men.



You are. You should be proud.

Most guys don't know who their kids are.



Joe still hasn't found anything?



No, and he's driving me crazy.



I should go back to work,

but what about Nicky?



Dead mouse.



There's no good alternative to Chapman.



If someone opened a decent day care

program here, they'd make a killing.



Nicky, what did I say about the cat poop?






A day care center? You and me?



It's a completely underserved market.

Harridan has a monopoly on this suburb.



All we have to do is come in



establish ourselves as the value alternative,

and we'll clean up!



You think I'd be good at child-care?




Excuse me? Are these your kids?






Remember when you broke my yo-yo?

I did not break your yo-yo.



Yes, you did.

I did not break your yo-yo.



Your yo-yo was broke.



You're killing me. You're really killing me.



I'm home!



You said let's do this together.

No, Daddy!



What's going on here?



A day care center. In our house?



Yes, Phil's apartment's only

a two-bedroom place.



This is crazy on    different levels.



What do you both know about

running a day care?



It's not rocket science.



We applied for a license.

It couldn't be any more simple.




What you want? The rocket ship?



That's what you wanted, right?




You wanted milk? I'm sorry. He wanted milk.



Rocket man needs milk when he's flying.

It's for strong bones, in case you crash.



We understand each other.

What you think about this?



We're talking about other people's kids.

Do you understand that responsibility?



I'll be just as careful with them

as I am with Ben.



Don't be rubbing your head into stuff.

Watch where you're walking.



What about when you get a real job?

Just leave the parents hanging?



We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.



It won't be permanent.



We won't get rich from this,

but it might keep us out of bankruptcy.



I don't know, Charlie.

Come on, Kim.



I can't just sit around here.

I got to try to do something.



Come on. I need this.



I guess you better start

handing out those fliers.



All right.



It makes much more sense

Me, too.



Okay, you want me to give you a hug?



Here's a big hug. Group hug.



Excuse me. When you get a chance



Here you go, Daddy Day Care.



Hey, little karate guy.

Daddy Day Care, karate girl.



Hello! Daddy Day Care.



Hello, how are you?



Here you go. If you get a chance



When you get a chance,

have a look at that. Thank you.



If it's not too much trouble,

when you get a chance



"Warm, nurturing, experienced parents



"providing exceptional child-care

at affordable prices."



The "experienced" part

is what I have to take issue with.



I give it three days.



You two guys are running

a day care center?



You're signing up people

at a lemonade stand on the front lawn?



Good luck with that. Come on, Paul.



Wait. Don't you believe in equality

amongst the sexes?



Can't men do everything women can do?



No, we can't. It's unnatural.



Little bit eeky.



You're guys?



What did you think Daddy Day Care meant?



I thought maybe one guy. Not only guys.



I just thought it was a clever name.



Is this the day care place?

They're all guys.



They're what?



Excuse me. Listen.

We are two loving, caring parents.



We run a day care center.



You're a couple of sickos!



How about a free trial offer?






Oh, dear.

Come on!



Hi, Peggy! Hi, Nicky. How you doing?



Nicky is so excited for his big day.



How old are you? Oh, yeah, five.

I got it.



Wait. You're leaving Nicky here

with these guys?



You have trouble with them being guys?

Are you from the Dark Ages?



Aren't you for gender equality

and all that jazz?



Peggy, come on. Of course we are.



So can't women do what men do

and men do what women do?



These guys can do the job.



You'll vouch for these two?

Yeah, I'll vouch for them.



I'll try it.

You're doing it?



They'll have a great time.




Right, kids?



You're a real lifesaver.



You screw this up,

I'll kill you with my bare hands.



Here, now, go to Phil.

No, I don't want to go.



Come on. Let go.

I don't want to go!



He's got a little bit of separation anxiety.




I don't want to go!



I just stopped breastfeeding.

I'd freak out, too.



Lf you could grab a leg.

I don't want to go.



All right.

Here we go.



Here we go.

Come on, Dylan.



All right, sweetie.

I don't want to go.



Come on. Let go of Mom!



Thank you. Oh, man.



No lactose, no peanuts, no shellfish.

Nothing high in fructose.



Or sucrose or dextrose.

Or maltodextrose.



Nothing with red dye number six.

Or number four.



Or yellow dye number two.



Will you say "maltodextrose" for me again?

So cute.






Or yellow dye number two.

Two, right.



His name's Crispin.



My man, Crispin!



How's it going, big guy?



What time's pickup?



At  :  .



I have laser treatment. Make it  :  .



Sorry about the outfit. He won't take it off.



How long has he been wearing that?



Couple of weeks.



Who will you call if there are any problems?






That's such a good girl.



Come on. I'll let you hold my keys.



How about a Life Saver?

You like Life Savers?



How about money? A dollar?



A dollar.



You are a smart man. That is yours.

All right.



Welcome to Daddy Day Care.



We're your team facilitators.

My name is Charlie and this is Phil.



Anybody ever seen

a mission statement before?



Here. Everybody take one.

Take a mission statement.



Here we go. One for everybody. Slow down.



All right. Okay.



Who wants to be first one

to read the first sentence



on the mission statement?



Okay, how about you?



I don't read yet.



I'm looking for someone who can read.



By a show of hands,

how many of you can already read?



Raise your hand

if you don't know how to read.



Here's what we'll do.



I'll read the mission statement aloud



and what I want you guys to do

is just follow along as I read it.



Doesn't that sound like interesting fun?

Here we go.



"As the members and facilitators

of the Daddy Day Care team



"we will collectively strive to provide"



Sean, don't eat the mission statement.

Get that out of your mouth.



"will collectively strive to"



Don't rip the mission statement, Little Flash.

It's an important document.



Come back here!



What he's really trying to say is



Stop running!



Come here.



You want the rocket ship?



One more?

Rocket ship!



Everybody'll get the rocket ship.

Slow down, everybody.



I thought you said this would be easy.

You know what I'm thinking now?



This was a huge mistake.



I never quit anything in life,

but I'm not sure if I can take this.



I'll be right back.

Where you going?



Help me do the rocket ship.

Trust me.



Four absent children. No explanation.



Maybe it's just a coincidence.



In a group this size,

three absent children is a coincidence.



Four is a statistical anomaly.



Hello, Santa Luma!



Hello, Santa Luma!



Everybody! It's Big Phil with a guitar!



Why don't you guys enjoy Big Phil

while I rest my spine?



Max, bring your dad a chair.



They really like that rocket ship.



When I was a small boy



at the age of five



my mama said



I'd be the greatest man alive



I'm a man



I'm a full-grown man



I'm a fat man



Hey, come on into the kitchen.



Put the lime in the coconut

and drink 'em all up



Put the lime in the coconut, drink 'em all up



Put the lime in the coconut

you drink 'em all up



I say, "Doctor,

ain't there nothing I can take?"



I say, "Doctor, to relieve this belly ache?"



I say, "Doctor"



Like a rhinestone cowboy



Riding out on a horse



in a star-spangled rodeo



Hava nagila, hava nagila



Hava nagila



I am definitely out of songs.






I don't know

if we should be feeding them this stuff.



Why not? Look at them. They love it.



Yeah, but I'm a little worried.



About what?






He tore off his head!



Crispin stole my doll. I need help.



Come on!



You know how old this piano is?

Keep your feet off the piano.



Get your shoes off the couch.

Get them off the couch!



Crispin. Please!



Give me the



The meat ain't the only fresh thing

around here.



Don't play with that. Give me this.



Leave it alone, okay?



All right.



You get off those drapes.



Stop climbing the drapes. You stop it.



You come here!



Give me the vase!



Put down the vase!



Tomorrow, we give them all organic.



Don't worry, it'll be okay.



How can you say that? Look at this.



What goes up



You guys are good.



What do you expect?

You left your kids with professionals.



Sorry to leave you hanging.



Since we got laid off,

Sheila's made me make dinner.



Really? How's that going?



It ain't napping.



Can I take these snack cakes home?

Go ahead.



How you doing, little man?



That's how you doing?



Excuse me a second.



Give me that. That's too loud.



Let go, it's too loud.



I'm serious. Let go.



It's late. Where's your mom?



Shut up, butthead.



Shut You stop that.

You know something?



Your mommy and daddy

would not like you talking like that.



When your mommy comes,

I'll tell her that you



Let's go. Motor's running.



Get out of here. Hey, I wish you would.

Stop, Crispin!



Don't make that face.




Don't make lines. Quiet the face.



Relax the face. Quiet the face.



Yes, calm your face.

Show no lines, you know.



You got early drop-off?



No, we don't have anything



I'm going to see you tomorrow.



I'll see you tomorrow, Crispin.



You'll be just like your father.



Look at him.

Hanging off of him, his skin. Hanging off.



Hey, little man.

Hey, Dad.



What are you up to?



Just trying to read a story.



Listen, man



I know I was really busy today

taking care of those other kids.



I know it probably wasn't easy for you

sharing your toys



and watching Daddy

do rocket ship with everybody, but



Now it's just us,

we can do whatever you want to do.



Can we read this story?

We sure can read this story.



All right.



"There once was a herd of elephants.



"Elephants young, elephants old,

elephants tall and short, fat and thin.



"All were different, but all were happy,

and almost all were the same color.



"And they all made the elephant sound."

They all said



Let me hear you make that sound.



Do it again?



No, I can't do it again,

because Daddy might have an aneurysm.



Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.



I'm not cleaning this up.



Hey, take this in there. Go sit down.



Maybe I haven't had my coffee yet,

but it seems like these kids are multiplying.



Yeah, we got two new kids.

Oh, come on!



We'll have to up our game.

We need structure and planned activities.



No, we need Ritalin and leashes,

that's what we need.



All we'll need is this.



Everybody, let's do this.



Everybody, come in here.



Okay, let's try another play. Let's try this.



Let's try this. Here's what we'll do.



This new play's called the Baby Blitz.



I want you to hang back and do a lateral.



I want you to go down the middle

for a buttonhook.



I want you to be my blocker.



How about we just run in a circle?



We can do that. That's an even better play.

Everybody run in a circle.



Yes? All right, let's run in a circle.

Come on, run in a circle.



Tony, you'll see the ball a lot better

if you take your mask off.



I'm not Tony, I'm Flash.



How come you're not playing, little man?



Come on, it's football. You love football.






Help! Stuck!



I live in California.



Where do you live?

I am in Hong Kong.



Where's Hong Kong?



Can you hear me now?

I can't hear you.



Can you hear me now?



What is it?



I thought you liked football.

You're telling me you don't like



I'll be right back, little man. I got to go



You got a little problem over there with Max.



It's happening.

What's happening? What is it?



Lt! It's happening.

He hasn't gone for a week. That's it.



Oh, no. That's It's happening?



It's happening. I know the face. Look.



You got to go and deal with that.

I can't.



What do you mean, you can't?

I can't.



Come on, you have to do it.

I can't.



Yes, you can.

I can't.



Yes, you can.

All right, I will!



Good. Come on.



I can't.



Listen. I see you got issues about this



so I'll take care of it this time, all right?



In the future, you got to work it out.

I got to work it out.



That's your son. God willing,

when you get older, he'll do this for you.



So you want to know he owes that to you.



He owes me.

He owes you.



Don't get cute with the thing.

I'm not assuming you're doing it.



So how you want to do this?

I can do this myself.



You sure?




Okay, well, you go and do it

with your bad self. You go and do it now.



All right. You need anything,

I'm right out here.



Hey, big guy, how'd it go in there?



I missed.



What does that mean?



I missed.



Oh, hell, no.



Come on!




Come on. Put this down.

You don't play with this.



And you ripped up my wife's flowers.



Give me this. You're not supposed to.

Go play with something else.



What's going on here?

It's spiraling out of control.



Don't panic. They're like animals.

They can smell fear.



I don't know what to do.

I've run out of ideas.



I'll tell you what



Quietly, children. Follow me.



Six absences.



Single file.



I have to go make a phone call.



Let's get ready



to rumble!



Let me tell you something,

I have never liked carrots.



And today as I stand here

and look at you before me



having the audacity to think

that you can defeat me



let me tell you something, brother,

I am about to kick your carrot butt!



Let me tell you something, Mr. Broccoli.



When The Carrot is done with you,

you will be nothing but a kumquat!



I will destroy everything in this world

that is broccoli.



The carrot is the lowest form of vegetable!



What about me?



Nobody likes broccoli.



Really? Well, Ben likes broccoli, don't you?






You turned my own sprout against me?

Now you're gonna die!



Okay, come on. I felt that.



Come on.



Will you stop it?



That's it.



What's that about?

I'm sorry.



You made me crazy!

You little maniac!



You're wrecking my wife's tables.



Somebody's at the door.



My back.



Is this the Hinton residence?



I'm Dan Kubitz, Child Services.



I'm here to conduct

a compliance inspection.



No one said anything about any inspection.



We only do it if we receive a complaint.



A complaint?

Somebody complained about



Come on in. You can inspect us.

We have nothing to hide.



You caught us at a crazy time.

We're playing with the kids.



Somebody complained about us?



So, where is the nap area?



The nap area?




We don't have a nap area.



We just let them fall asleep

wherever they drop.



"Sleep where they drop."

Well, I think that should just about do it.



What's the bottom line?



Well, you need to correct

the deficiencies on this form.



And also



you need to fill out

these compliance certification documents.



Who wants these, the carrot or the broccoli?






There's a lot of stuff on here.



So we can stay open, right?



As long you've done that by  :   a.m.

Tomorrow morning.



 :   a.m.



Good luck with this.

I like what you're doing.



I'd hate to be the guy to shut you down.



We'd hate for you to be that guy.



I will be. Don't want to be.



Okay. Safety gates

at the bottom of the stairs



top of the stairs, bedrooms, bathrooms.



I've gone safety gate crazy.



How many kids have we got?



I've lost track, they run so fast.



You can get started on this batch over here.



It's getting late. Let's just call it a night.

We can't call it a night.



We got a bunch of kids coming

in five hours.



I'm serious. We know nothing

about running a day care center.



We don't know anything.

We're not even good parents!



I'm a good parent.



What does that mean?




That thing. What is that?



You know that rocket ship thing you do?

Ben doesn't even like that.



That just happens to be Ben's favorite thing.



He lets you do it because you like it.

It's the one time you pay him attention.



You don't change your kid's diapers.

I don't like diapers.



You should teach your kid

how to go to the toilet and aim



so we don't have to redecorate the place

when he goes.



You're right.



Let me tell you something.



My kid is   years old,

and for the first time today



I saw him playing with the other kids,

just being a normal kid.



It felt great knowing

I had something to do with it.



We did that!



If we can do that, we can definitely

get this place up to code by dawn.



Let's go safety gate crazy.



Don't worry, he'll be fine.



It's all right.



All I got is $ .

I can break that.



Listen, I left the paperwork

on the kitchen table. It's not there.



Please tell me you have it.



I don't have it.



Hey, guys.

Marvin, what are you doing here?



The door was unlocked.

I got your final paychecks here.






So, what's going on here?



Don't even ask.



You can understand him?



Yeah, he's speaking Klingon.



That's Klingon.

I thought the kid was an idiot.



God, how much "Star Trek"

does that kid watch?



Too much.

The guy from Child Services is here.




No, listen. Why don't you do me a favor?



Why don't you take the kids in the back

and play with them?



Keep their attention for a while,

while I talk to this guy.



Whatever you do, don't let this big bruiser

get near the lawnmower. Thanks.



Mr. Kubitz. Hi.

I thought I was early, but



I was just getting the paperwork.




You dropped something.




The kids wanted to help out.

That's sweet.



So here's everything for you.



What I'll need is your signature

on the back of her head.



And on the elbow of this kid.



Do you have a pen?

I do have a pen.



This is my lucky pen.

Thank you.



And where's on the

Initial the elbow.



Sign the back of her head.

On her neck?



Great. That should just about do it.

Here we go.



You're ready to roll.

Let's go in and get started.



Well, you know,

everything looks okay here



but it says here

that you now have    children.



That's correct.



So I assume that you've hired

a third care provider.



Why would you just assume that?



Well, section     of the Child Welfare Code

specifically states



that the ratio of children to care providers

cannot exceed  : .



The    .  .

   .  .



The ratio thingy.

We resolved that this morning.







We hired someone. We hired Marvin.



Marvin was hired! He's with the kids.

He's an excellent child-care worker.



I'd love to take a look,

if that's okay with you.



You want to go out there?

It'll be good for me to see for myself.



Let's go and have a look at Marvin.



Now, put your hands up. Now, wave them.



He certainly seems like

he knows what he's doing.



Of course.



I've got to say that.

Yeah, we interviewed a lot of people.



Yeah, it was a really long, grueling

singling-out process.



And now, I'm a chicken.



I'm a bird. Look, I'm a bird.



You can never be too careful

when it comes to kids.



And here at Daddy Day Care we'll only work

with the best, so we got Marvin.






What did you do to these kids?




Are they on drugs?

Well, there's this one kid, maybe.



How'd you get them to behave like this?



Got to know how to handle them.

How do you know that?



I read

"Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care" book.



It's not about "Star Trek".







You know, when I was in the back



I spotted, under the eaves of the porch



what looked like a beehive.



A big one.

Don't worry. All taken care of.



I don't want anybody getting hurt.

No hurt. Gone.



You really have turned this around.

Thank you very much.



I'm impressed. I really am.

Thank you.



For our own curiosity



any chance you could

tell us where the complaint came from?



I really would love to,

but I have a relationship with the state.



Just for our own curiosity.

That was Miss Harridan.



I'm sure she'll see us.

We need to talk to you.



Sorry. They just barged right in.

That's quite all right, Jenny.



Gentlemen, please sit down.



Now, what can I do for you?



We wanted to thank you for helping

to expedite our accreditation process.



Thanks to your tip, somebody

from child services came to see us.



I had heard you opened

some sort of day care program



and I was concerned.



That's nice of you.

You don't have to be concerned about us.



It's not you I'm concerned about.

It's the children you're looking after.



Wait a minute. We're parents. That's a start.

Any boob can be a parent.



If you want to screw up your own child,

that's your right.



But when it comes to other people's kids,

there's a higher standard to answer to.



Mr. Kubitz seems to think that we met

that standard. Show her the thing.



That piece of paper doesn't impress me.



We're getting it laminated.



You two are just some fly-by-night

operation looking to make a fast buck.



You're just afraid of the competition.

Let's go.



Competition? Don't flatter yourselves.



Daddy Day Care will never be

in the same league as this institution.






That wasn't as satisfying as I thought.



I think we can take her. All we need

is some garlic and a wooden stake.



You know what she said that was right?



These kids need more than watching.

Tomorrow we'll take it up a notch.



We got to start stimulating their minds.



But I'm not a daddy.

You don't have to be a daddy.



You're a male-type humanoid.

That fits in with the philosophy of the place.



I don't know, guys. I mean,

I guess I like hanging out with the kids.



It's kind of cool.



But I guess child-care wasn't necessarily



an avenue that I felt professionally

I was headed towards.



That's exactly what I said.

Excuse me.



Yes, come on in!



How are you?

Hey, guys.



I am so sorry.

I forgot to write you a check this week.



Ever since the divorce,

my head's just been like



Are you the new daddy?

I'm your daddy.



I'm not your daddy.



Well, I'm your baby's daddy. I'm not



I'm not your baby's daddy.

I'm going to be



You're Marvin.



Well, it's nice to meet you, Marvin. I'm Kelli.



Dylan's mom.



I got to run.

Thank you.



All right. Bye, guys.

Have a good one.







I'm in. Do you have a dental plan?



All right.



Your first assignment is to show us

how you handle kids the way you do.



Teach us.



If this were a business,

and they were customers



how do you find out what they want?



I'd put together a focus group.

All right, let's do it.



We'd like you to tell us what you'd like

to get out of Daddy Day Care.



We'd like you to tell us what you'd like

to get out of Daddy Day Care.



Help us to help you.



Who'd like to start?



We need more learning about things.



More learning about things?




We're at a very critical age.



You have to feed our minds.

All right. You want to write that down?



"Feed our minds."



Great. Okay, what else?



Dolphins. Dolphins are good.



Dolphins are fish.

No, they're not.



They live in water.

That doesn't mean they're fish.



Calm down and talk about something else.

What else would you like to talk about?



Where do babies come from?



Let's go back to the dolphin subject

and discuss dolphins



or if there's anything else

on someone's mind we can talk about



other than that.

Write that down.



Okay, what else?

Could we



What were you going to say, Ben?



I can see you were going to say something.

What is it, son?







More drawings?



Yeah! Like pictures and stuff. It's really fun.



Okay, yeah, great. More drawings.




More chasing bad guys.

Excellent idea.



We can chase Joker.



Well, wait a second, buddy.

That's Batman's bad guy.



You're Flash,

so you want to be chasing



Lex Luthor?

No. That's Superman.



You want to be chasing Captain Boomerang,

Gorilla Grodd, Reverse Flash.



The Riddler?



What have you been doing to these kids?



Starting tomorrow, Phil will be hosting

a Three Stooges film festival in the TV room.



I know everybody's looking forward

to that, right?



Thanks, Daddy!



Last but not least, the Thumb Suckers

Support Group will have a meeting



under the tree after nap time



which starts right after

you finish your snack.



So after you finish, grab a blanket,

get a spot, and we have that.



Also, next week is going

to be Alpha Girls Group.



And we're going to have

Tai Chi under the tree.



And we're going to also have pet day,

so you bring your pets in.



We'll have pet show-and-tell.



This is my bunny. His name is Tiny.



I feed him a lot. Five times a day.



He poops a lot, too. Six times a day.



It's like little marbles.



This is my turtle, Sparks.



He's fast. He's the fastest turtle in the world.



Go! Go, Sparks!



This is my parrot, Paulie.

I'm teaching him to talk. Talk.



Shut up, butthead.



Okay, Becca, where's your pet?



I had a tarantula,

but I don't know where he is.



Okay, all right, don't panic.



What do you mean, don't panic?

There's a big spider in here.



I got a spider on my head!



So what are we betting on today?

I'm going to do a diaper stroke, okay?



All right.



Well, if it isn't the geniuses

that brought the world Veggie-Os.



So, how's unemployment?

Actually, I've got the best job I've ever had.



Yeah, it's a start-up.



We offer time-management facilitation

to mostly working professionals.



That's a tough market.

Sounds pretty cutthroat.



Yeah. It's a real blood sport.

What's the money like?



Bruce! Let's go, I got Botox.



Hi, Charlie. Hi, Phil.



Hey, Crispin.

What's up, little man?



How do you know my kid?



They're his day care teachers,

what do you think?



Day care? That's what it is?



Oh, my God.

You're wiping boogers for a living.






You're paying us to do it, too, you know.






"Do you like green eggs and ham?



"I do not like them, Sam-l-Am.

I do not like green eggs and ham.



"Would you like to eat them here or there?



"I would not like to eat them anywhere.

I do not like green eggs and ham.



"I do not like them, Sam-l-Am." Okay?



Now see, he was going to punch Sam-l-Am,

but he walked away.



You don't punch, see?

He walked away with it.



Where's Mommy?



Mommy had to work today.



Remember when you used

to work all the times?



Yeah, back when I had a real job.



Do you miss work?



I guess. I suppose so. I miss it.



But don't get me wrong. It's not like

I don't like hanging out with you guys.



It's just that Daddy used to be

a big shot down at work.



I had my own office and a big, pretty view.

Remember that big, pretty view Daddy had?



I like it when you spin me around

in that cool chair.



Yeah, that's a cool chair.



A lot of cool things about that job.

Cool chair



I had people working underneath me



and, just between you and I,

the pay wasn't that bad either.



Put that down. What do you think of that?

What is it?



What do you mean?

It's a dog in the sunshine.



It doesn't look like one.

That's because it's abstract.



You have to squint when you look at it.



And when you see it like this,

that's abstract.



Yeah? You see it?



How about if you tilt your head to the side?



No, the other way.

Still doesn't look like one.



Okay, well, what are you over there

working on, Michelangelo?



What is that?



There's nothing abstract

about that now, is it?






That's pretty good.



You got Daddy's head

looking kind of round, though.



Is my head that round?



No. But I got your mustache.

Yeah, I see. A nice green mustache.



That's all right, son.



I just paid the mortgage,

the car loan and the electric bill.



Look at the balance

in the checking account.




Yeah. That's right,    cents.



You are my Superman.

You got that right.



I've worked hard, and I think

it's time to let off a little of my frustration.



It's time for you

to take care of your Superman.



My Superman. Come here, baby.

That's right.



No! The monster's going to get me!



It's probably a nightmare.



Be right back.

Okay, hurry up. Mommy's coming!



No, I want Daddy.



Did everything go okay?

Yeah, everything's just fine.



What's that face for?



Since when does he like you

better than he likes me?



No, don't even trip. It's not like that.



I've just been spending more time with him,

so he wanted me.



He's getting much more confident.



Remember how he wouldn't play

with anyone else at first?



Now, he's even playing with

that kid, Crispin.



Crispin happened to say "thank you"

at lunch today without being told.



And that little girl Becca, she can read.

She's just a baby.



I seen her pick up a "Curious George" book,

sit down and read like a grownup.



What's that face?



I haven't seen you this excited

about something in a long time.



Yeah, I ain't going to front.



Them little crumb snatchers

got under my skin.



Mrs. Plager, I cannot continue

to expose the other children



to such dangerous, self-destructive,

highly addictive behavior.



So either Juliette stops the thumb sucking



or you'll just have to find

yourself another preschool.



Are you busy?



Just pruning a few weeds from the garden.

What is it?



Okay, I just thought you should know



we've lost three more students.



Are you seriously suggesting

you don't know where they are?



No, ma'am.



I know where they are.

So do I.



Daddy Day Care.



First, it was amusing.



Then it was annoying.



Now it's really starting to tick me off.



Get me a copy of

"Child Day Care Services Regulations".



Phil, get the door.



Get the door!



All right, I got it.



Mr. Kubitz. What are you doing here?



Is this a bad time?

No, it's a great time.



Is the man of the house at home?



"Man of the house."



Charlie! Mr. Kubitz is here

from Child Services!



I'll be right there.



So, let me ask you. Where are the kids?



Outside. Marvin's giving them

a puppet show.



Nice. What's on the program? "Pinocchio"?

"Little Red Riding Hood"?



No, "Wrath of Khan".



Mr. Kubitz. Hi!




Wait! What are you doing?




What's wrong with your face?

My face?



What's all that stuff, man? Come on.

What's the matter with you?



Becca and Jamie.



If you'll excuse me,

I have to see two little girls



because now I'm a big girl.



He's having fun with

Mr. Kubitz, so what brings you here today?



I've received another complaint

I guess we know who that came from.



I understand that you've acquired

three more children since my last visit.



Yes. We're    altogether now.



It's still three adults,

so we're still under the  :  ratio.



Right. But you see,

it's a totally different issue this time.



Charlie, can I talk to you for a second?



Mr. Kubitz, excuse me a second.

I'm going to go handle this.



Have a cookie.

Sure. Thanks.



What's going on?



What's up?

Flash is gone.



What do you mean, gone? Gone where?

I can't find him.



You looked everywhere? In the garage?




What we going to do?



Is there some kind of problem out here?

Not at all, Mr. Kubitz.



We're just having a little conversation

about the



Okay, because if it's

No problem at all. Why don't you



Kids! Why don't you meet

our good friend, Mr. Kubitz.



Say hi.

Hi, Mr. Kubitz.



Hi, guys.



Wouldn't it be nice

if Mr. Kubitz played with you guys



while we had an important conversation?



Would you be so kind?

Is that a good idea?



We're having a grown-up conversation

the kids shouldn't be privy to.



So just for a second. Please.

Sure. That's different.



I'll check the back yard.

I'll go upstairs.



I'll check the basement.



Do we have a basement?



We have to do the laundry. God!



Oh, my God! They vaporized him!



He couldn't have got far. I'll call the police.



I'll call his parents.

Lf only I were a Betazoid, I could sense him.



Which kid is this?

I don't know. What's your name?






Flash's name is Tony.

Actually, Flash's name is Wally West



Why aren't you wearing your Flash suit?

I don't want to be Flash anymore.



You don't? Who you want to be?




Hear that? He wants to be Tony.

He wants to be Tony.



That's nice. You want to be Tony.

That's great.



Tony, have a cookie. Have a fresh one.



What are you talking about? I do love you.

I'm just not in love with you.



What are you talking about? I do love you.

I'm just not in love with you.



Fifteen months of therapy,

that's the best you can do?



That is the dumbest line I have ever heard.



My mother was right about you.






For what? You think this will change?

You think I'll change?



You think this is what I had in mind?



Being a   -year-old man,

living with his mother?



You think that's my idea of a good time?



I love passive-aggressive losers.



According to state regulations,

a child-care center in a family home



is limited to a maximum of    children.



We have plenty of room here for these kids.

I don't make the rules, I enforce them.



You can't have more than    kids

at this kind of location.



So if we want to stay in business,

we have to fire two kids.



Unless you want to move to a permanent

facility somewhere else, then yes.



So, who do we cut loose?



How about Becca and Jamie?



I can't do it.



We got to do something.



Why don't we get a bigger space?



"Space. The Final Frontier."



I'm serious. Harridan said we're not real.

Let's get real.



Let's get a bigger space, more kids,

hire more people



and give this woman a run for her money.



Great. Let's get a new space.

Yeah, Final Frontier!



If you don't stop with that "Star Trek",

I'll push you in that sticker bush. Stop!



No! I'm saying that there is a space available

called "The Final Frontier."



This used to be my home away from home.



Jerry, the guy who owned this place,

had the ultimate collection of memorabilia.



You know what he had? Tricorder.



That Ensign Riley wore

in "The Doomsday Machine".



Yeah. I never saw that episode.



I was with him, not watching also.



Needs a lot of work.



That just means we can fix it up

how we want to fix it up.



But we'll need some money to do that.



To make money, you got to spend money.



To spend money, you got to have money.



"Rock for Daddy Day Care.



"Help us finance our new permanent home."



Do you know what this means?



It's a chance to improve ourselves

through a little healthy competition?



No, you bubbleheaded idiot.

It's a death sentence.



If they get their hands

on a big enough space, they'll ruin me.



They're selling fun. I can't compete with fun.



I should've crushed them

in the beginning when they were weak.



It'll be harder now, but I have no choice.

I've got to stop them.



How are you gonna do that?



By any means necessary.



Yeah, ride the pony.



Pet the goat.



Get a T-shirt made. Something to eat.



Enjoy the music!



They're showing "Logan's Run", Friday

Friday night at  :  .



If you're not busy Friday nights



maybe you'd like to

Yeah, sure.






So we're talking, like,

just dinner, bath, bed?



The works?




You want me to baby-sit

so you can go to the movie, right?



Marvin, I want you to go with me.






Okay. Great.

All right. Here's your thing.



Thank you very much. Okay. There you go.



I don't think we should do this.



Jennifer, my dear, in life there are

winners and there are losers.



And if you want to be a winner,

sometimes you have to play dirty.



I'll show you. I'll paint my face first.

And then you paint yourself.



See? Put a little paint.

And I'm just going to



What's wrong?



That's not paint! It's glue!



Could I have some more

of this delicious potato salad?



Have you tried it? Really. It is so good.



What's up?




And they got into everything

except for the pies.



Okay, but don't panic.

We'll just sell the people pies, that's all.



Wow. Goats really love pie.



Leave them on for two hours.



You got it.



Everybody just take a deep breath

and let's go back to having fun.






How'd we do?

We haven't even put a dent in it.




Charlie, Jim Fields.



How's your vacation going?

No, I'm just pulling your leg.



Listen, buddy,

are you still looking for work?



I've got a job for you,

unless you've got other offers.



No, that's really interesting.



But I've got something going on right now.



Before you say no,

let me fax you over the proposal.



You can take a look at the numbers,

you think about it



then you get back to me.




Okay. Great.



You say hi to the wife and daughter Son.



Let me guess. You couldn't get

child services to come back



so you're doing the inspection.



I apologize. I don't like to be sneaky.



Still, rules are rules.



May I come in? I've a proposition for you.

Yeah, please do.



Can I get you some coffee or tea or water



or eye of newt, maybe?

Water would be lovely.



Thank you.

Water. That's an easy one.



You don't mind tap water, do you?

We're out of the bottled water.



So, Miss Harridan, why are you here?



You seem smart, talented, highly ambitious.



What on earth are you doing

running a day care center?



Maybe I enjoy running a day care center.



Obviously. But is this really how you want

to spend the rest of your life?



As a businessman,

you'd have money, power, respect.



You going to throw that all away

to baby-sit a bunch of  -year-olds?



I said I'd listen to your proposition.

I'm all ears, and I got other things to do.



So if you'd be so kind

All right. Here it is:



If Daddy Day Care should close,

for whatever reason



I'll take all your children

for the price you charge.



Topflight education at rock-bottom prices.



Think about it.



Now wait a minute.



You're blowing us off

for Cottony Cotton Balls?



No, Cotton Candy Puffs.

Apparently the whole thing was my idea.



They'll double my salary

and let me run the division.



So, yes, I am taking myself back.



Go ahead,

if that's what's important to you. I mean



Phil and I can manage.

We'll just find somebody else. Right?



I'm going, too.



This is worse than

when Spock betrayed Kirk



on "Star Trek V".

It's not like that.



Come back with us. Not in the mailroom,

but to be part of our team.



I don't want to be on that team.

I want to be on this team.



We thought a lot about this, man.

It's a great opportunity.



No, this right here is a great opportunity.



This business is the one that has limits.

And we've reached them, okay?



Me and Phil,

we got responsibilities to think about.



We got futures to take into consideration.

What about now? What about the kids?



These kids were fine before Daddy Day Care.



They'll be fine when it's over.

You tell yourself that, Charlie.



I finally found a place where I fit in



where I feel like I'm doing something good,

and you guys just



You just spoil it all.



That couldn't have gone worse.



If you think that went bad,

wait till we tell the kids.



Can I go to work with you?



No, you can't go to work with me,

but you can come visit me at work.



And Daddy will be home at night

and on the weekends.



We'll still have lots of fun together.

Will Phil and Marvin still be here?



No, I'm sorry, little man.

They won't be around anymore.



It's just for a while, right?



Then you're going to come back

and do Daddy Day Care again.



No, this is from now on.



Daddy Day Care,

we're not doing that anymore, Ben.



Let me explain it to you like this:



If Daddy does this, I can get money for us.



And I can use that money

to take care of the house and to buy food



and clothes and toys for you to play with.



I'll sell all my toys.



Why you want to sell all your toys?



If I don't have toys, we don't need money,

and you can stay with me.



I wish it was that simple, Ben.



The development department will have

the first samples ready by next week.



Okay, let's kick it around.



What do you think of

when you think of cotton candy?










Hyperactivity, cavities, and dentist bills.

That's what I



I've been to the other side

and I've seen firsthand.



When kids eat this stuff, they crash down

so hard they need an air bag.



You know what

the ingredients are to these balls?




They're "puffs." I'm sorry.



You know what's in here?

Red dye number four and sugar.



You know what? Charlie is absolutely right.

You can't ignore the reality.



Parents are not going to want to buy

this product for their kids.



Not unless those kids stomp and scream



and bang their little heads on the floor

till blood comes out of their ears.



Charlie, you got those figures

that I gave you?



Yeah, I got them right here.

Just give me a second to



We had an independent marketing firm

do some preliminary research



to sort out the core value of this product.



The subjects that were tested,

aged two to six



which are key branding years



Charlie, you want to join us?

I'm sorry about that, Jim. Yeah.



Why don't you tell everybody

what the core value is?



What's the most important thing?



My kid.



My kid, Jim, that's the most important thing.



And I think I've made a tremendous mistake.



And so, I quit.



What are you doing to me? You scared me.



How was the marketing meeting?

I quit.




I quit.



You quit?

I quit and I feel great.



You should quit with me.

I should quit?



You should quit right now.

We just got here.



You want to feel how I'm feeling?

Quit. Come on.




Quit with me.



You weren't going to sell the carrot suit,

were you? The kids love that.



This stuff



is not for sale!



A literal reader of the text might say



A literal reader of the text might say



that Goldilocks ate the "porridge"



because she was "hungry."



But what would Freud say?



Language skills are a critical component

of childhood development.



They're part of the core curriculum

here at Chapman.



If you'll follow me this way.



On the path of life,

the proper first steps are essential.



With our firm guidance, your children



will take those steps right here at Chapman.



Our philosophy is that

a child is like a climbing vine.



With structure to cling to,

and the right gardener to tend them



they'll grow to the sky.

That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.



We're not talking about plants,

we're talking about kids.



I know you don't want this woman pruning

and cutting and weeding your  -year-olds.



Some people are uncomfortable

with achievement.



No, what I'm uncomfortable with

is treating a little kid like it's an adult.



If your kids come here, they'll be

miserable in four different languages.



Five. We start Portuguese in the fall.



How many languages

do you listen to them in?



You ever stop trying to shove knowledge

down their throat and just talk to them?



Listen to what they want.



They're children,

they don't know what they want.



Yes, they do know what they want.

All of them. And they're all different.



We took some time, talked to the kids,

got to know them a bit.



It made a difference. It helped them.

Please. Share your success.



Why don't you tell these people exactly

how you help their children?



Max over here is potty-trained now, okay?



I don't miss.

That's right.



And Becca learned how to read.

Yes, I did.



And Crispin is the most polite kid

you'd ever want to meet.



Thank you, Charlie.

You are most welcome, Crispin.



And I made friends.



That's right, little man,

you made some friends.



As of this moment Daddy Day Care

is back in business.



Don't be a fool. You won't make a nickel.

We might not get rich, but we'll manage.



Excuse me. All right.



How about that?



Any boob can run a child-care center.

It takes a family to raise some children.



We're going to be a family from now on.

Family? What a laughable concept!



We'll just laugh our way down the driveway.



Have a pleasant day.

Bye, Miss Harridan.



Come on! Let's go!



Get in there! Come on! Let's go!



Come on! Hold up!



Everybody's holding hands, right?




Let's go.



"Daddy Day Care."



Jennifer, how could you?



It's a really great place to work.

You should apply there.



Or not.



Have a nice day, Miss Harridan.

That's nice.









Help! Stuck!



All right, here I come.

What's going on here?






I'm stuck!









Little man.



I'd say this wasn't a bad tradeoff.



Yeah, Dad.



And, action.



We can spend You know, we can't spend

money without having it.



Hold on one second.



What, are you being beamed up?



It's Captain Kirk.

It is!






What are you doing to me?

Pudding on my hand.



Okay, wait a minute.



I would never push you in a sticker bush.

You couldn't push me.



No, I'd use a shovel on you.






Some other kids around here

hanging out with you. How that sound?



See, you going to have to work on it.

"Mazel tov".



Remember when you broke my yo-yo?



I broke

And you never gave me a new one.



That's why you sent me to bed.



You've been writing.



No, I can't even write my letters.



What's going on here?



You're killing me. You're really killing me.



Joe Frazier's Smokin' Skillets!



These skillets were made

in the City of Brotherly Love.



That's a good thing.

Okay, Eddie.



They gave you

a little too much direction, didn't they?



Okay, stop before you pee on yourself.



What is my line?

"I'll sell all my toys."



I'll sell all my toys.



I'll say my other line over again,

because I messed it up. I say, "You"




Okay, thank you.



Let it go for a second. There.

Thank you.



That's why I know

we haven't been to the moon.



Miss Harridan says

it's preparing me for my future.



You hungry?




What do you feel like eating?

A peanut butter and jelly sandwich.



Peanut butter and jelly sandwich.



I don't know.

After this scene.



If I give you



What's so funny?

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