Day At The Races Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Day At The Races script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Marx Brothers movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Day At The Races. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Day At The Races Script



This way to the sanitarium.



Free bus to the sanitarium.



This way to the Standish Sanitarium.

Standish San... Standish San...



This... This way to the Standish...



Stand... Free bus. Free bus.

Standish Sanitarium.



Free bus to the sanitarium.

Just got room for a few more.



- Sanitarium?

- No, racetrack.



You don't wanna go there.

You're sick.



I'm going to the races!



All right. You want something hot

in the fifth race?



Sanitarium? Bus to the sanitarium.

Standish Sanitarium.



Free bus to the sanitarium.



It's no use, Tony.



If business keeps up like this,

I'm afraid I'll have to drive the car myself.



Oh, no, Miss Judy. You can't fire me.



- But what if I can't pay your salary?

- That's different.



You don't have to pay me,

but you can't fire me.



- Tony, you're sweet.

- Yeah. And don't worry, Miss Judy...



...I'm gonna get us some customers

if I have to make them sick myself.



Tony, I'm afraid we need

more than customers.



You don't understand.

I owe a great deal of money.



Far more than I can ever pay.



Let me see.

Who do I know that's rich?



How about that big, strong,

sick woman at the sanitarium?



- You mean Mrs. Upjohn?

- That's the one.



She'd lend you the money.



Oh, she's rich. Why, last week,

she gave me a dollar tip.



She did once offer to help.



But it doesn't seem right

to borrow from a patient.



- Then we make her a partner.

- Oh, Tony.



We gotta hurry

before she changes her mind.



Go ahead, Miss Judy.

There's Mrs. Upjohn now.



- But, Mrs. Upjohn...

- There's no use, doctor. I'm leaving!



Mr. Whitmore, I want my bill at once.



- Just as you say.

- What's the matter, Mrs. Upjohn?



It's no fault of yours, my dear.

It's the doctor.



Telling me I'm perfectly well

when I know I'm on the verge...



...of a nervous collapse.

Goodbye, Judy, dear.



Have the boy come up

and get my bags, please.



Gil! Oh, Gil!



- I'm glad you're here.

- What is it, honey?



Hold me tight. I'll be all right.



Come on, honey, tell me.



It's Mrs. Upjohn.



She's leaving.



Oh, let her leave. Say, I have something

here worth     Upjohns.



You don't understand.

I'm going to lose this place.



No, you're not. That's what I'm trying

to tell you. From me to you, with love.



Your radio contract. You've got it!



"Gelding, out of Honey Lamb

by Blue Bolt...



...two-year, Hi Hat."



- Why, Gil, this doesn't make sense.

- It's a horse, honey, a racehorse.



Perhaps I'm awfully stupid,

but what do we want with a horse?



I'll tell you. Horse wins race,

owner wins money.



Owner gives money to girl he loves.

Girl saves sanitarium. It's very simple.



Very simple?

But what happens if horse loses race?



Oh, but he can't lose. He's a wonder.

I picked him up for a song, only $     .



Fifteen hundred dollars?



That's all the money

you had in the world.



Well, I still have my job

singing at the casino.



Now, Gil. You return that horse at once

and get your money back.



You've got to go on

with your music.



You need money fast, more than

I could make    years of singing.



I don't care. I want you to be

a great singer, not a racetrack tout.



Oh, wait a minute.

That isn't fair!



- Are you going to return that horse?

- I can't. I just bought him.



You mean you don't want to. You'd rather

bet on a horse than on yourself.



- Of all the ungrateful people!

- What have I got to be grateful for?



You've thrown your career away on a long

shot and gambled away our happiness.



Here. Take your horse.

And I hope you're very happy with it.



I'm going to someone who understands me,

to Dr. Hackenbush.



Dr. Hackenbush? Why, I never heard

of him. Has he a sanitarium?



The biggest in Florida, that's what he said.

Of course, I was never there.



Hugo, I mean, Dr. Hackenbush,

always insisted on treating me in my home.



I didn't know there was a thing

the matter with me until I met him.



Excuse, please.



We're getting a lot of customers since

they heard Dr. "Hackenapuss" is coming.



- Did you say Hackenbush?

- Yes, ma'am.



I wonder if that could be

the same one.



Where does he come from?



- Where's your Hackenapuss come from?

- Palmville, Florida.



That's the one!



Why... Why, Judy!



Why didn't you tell me

Dr. Hackenbush was coming here?



Dr. Hackenbush?



Oh, I'm so excited!



Judy, why don't you make him

chief of staff.



He'd do wonders for the sanitarium.



With Dr. Hackenbush in charge,

I might help you financially.



I don't say I will, but I might.



Oh, Mr. Whitmore, have my bags

sent right up. I'm staying!



- Who's Dr. Hackenbush?

- I don't know.



But if she wants a Hackenapuss,

she's going to get a Hackenapuss.
























- Here's a telegram for you, doc.

- What does it say?



Well, goes on to say...

How should I know?



"Come up and take care

of Mrs. Upjohn. Stop.



You can write your own ticket. Stop.

Come at once, Standish Sanitarium."



Mrs. Upjohn. Ah, Emily.



She never forgot that hayride.



Don't she know you're a vet?



She's so in love with me, she doesn't know

anything. That's why she's in love with me.



They could throw a horse doctor in jail

for treating people.



They can throw a horse doctor in jail

for not paying his rent too.



- Up in there.

- What have I got to lo...?



Take one of those every half-mile.

And call me if there's any change.



Mr. Morgan, if I sign this, it means I turn

the sanitarium over to you today.



That's right,

and I'll give you $    .



But the notes aren't due.

I've got almost a month.



This place has been losing money steadily.

You'll never be able to pay.



If you wait, I'll take it over,

and you won't get a cent.



As your business manager, Judy, I strongly

advise you to take Mr. Morgan's offer.



You're forgetting that doctor

Mrs. Upjohn recommended.



Surely with him in charge,

we'll be able to pay Mr. Morgan.



Are you going to take the advice

of a hysterical patient?



- Now, look here, Miss Standish...

- Judy!



- Judy, he's here! He's here!

- Why, who's here?



Dr. Hackenbush!



Are you going to sign that or not?



- No.

- Of course she's not going to sign it.



I have a month. I can at least

try this new doctor.



You're going to wish

you'd taken that check.



Mr. Morgan. Mr. Morgan!



- You fixed that, all right.

- How'd I know she was going to butt in?



- I'll get to work on this new doctor.

- Work fast.



With Dr. Hackenbush in charge,

I'm sure my trustees will let me help you.



- I think I'm better able to advise...

- I don't want to hear any more about it.



I can't stand this excitement.

I know this will cause a relapse.



Oh, my metabolism! Doctor!

Oh, doctor!



Here, boy. Here, boy.



Take these bags to my room,

and here's a dime for yourself.



Oh, no, no, no, no. This is Mr. Whitmore,

our business manager.



Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Here's a quarter.



You mustn't take the doctor

too seriously.



He probably feels tired

after his long trip.



Why shouldn't I be tired?

Did you ever ride four on a motorcycle?



And me, top man.



This is Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush,

your new chief of staff.



And now, doctor,

I'd like you to meet Miss Standish.



Oh, doctor.






Just a moment,

while I calm these paralytics.



Oh, dear. Doctor.



Doctor, this is Miss Standish,

owner of the sanitarium.



- How do you do, Miss Standish?

- How do you do?



You're the prettiest owner

of a sanitarium I've ever seen.



- Thank you.

- You have a charming place here.



I knew your mother very well.



I'll let you in on a little secret.



Many, many years ago,

in the dear, dim past...



...I proposed to your mother.



- But that's my father.

- No wonder he turned me down.



Now, doctor, I'd like you

to meet your new associates.



Johnson, Bellevue Hospital,     .



Franco, Johns Hopkins, '  .



- Wilmerding, Mayo brothers, '  .

- Dodge brothers, late '  .



Doctor, I'm happy to welcome

you as chief of staff.



I hope you'll be able to pull

the sanitarium out of its difficulties.



The sanitarium's having

a little financial trouble.



I get it. I'm not gonna get paid.

So long! Take it away!



Oh, no, no, no.

Doctor, please don't go.



- I'll take care of your salary.

- Oh, yeah?



The last job I had,

I had to take it out in trade.



And this is no butcher shop.



Not yet anyhow.



Judy, it seems to me,

if I may say so...



...we are making rather

a hasty decision.



Surely you don't question

the doctor's ability.



No. Not exactly.



But running a sanitarium calls

for a man with peculiar talents.



I've got the most peculiar talents

of any doctor you ever met.



I'm satisfied with Mrs. Upjohn's




If you'll excuse me, I'll go

and bring in the rest of the staff.



Why don't you go out and bring in

something. Preferably your resignation.



Tell me, Dr. Hackenbush...



...just what was your medical




- Medically?

- Yes.



Well, at the age of    I got a job

in a drugstore filling prescriptions.



Don't you have to be   

to fill prescriptions?



Well, that's for grownups.

I just filled them for children.



No, no, doctor.



I mean, where did you get your training

as a physician?



Oh, well, to begin with,

I took four years at Vassar.



- Vassar? But that's a girls' college.

- I found that out the third year.



I'd have been there yet, but I went out

for the swimming team.



The doctor seems reluctant

to discuss his medical experiences.



Well, medically, my experiences

have been most unexciting.



- Except during the flu epidemic.

- And what happened?



I got the flu.



- Oh, doctor, I think it's time for my pill.

- Lx-nay on the ill-pay.



Now, you told me

to take them regularly.



Just a minute, Mrs. Upjohn.



- That looks like a horse pill to me.

- Oh, you've taken them before?



- Are you sure you haven't made a mistake?

- You have nothing to worry about.



The last patient I gave one of those to

won the Kentucky Derby.



May I examine this, please?



Do you actually give those

to your patients?



Isn't that awfully large for a pill?



It was too small for a basketball,

and I didn't know what to do with it.



Say, you're awfully large

for a pill yourself.



Dr. Wilmerding...



...just what is your opinion?



It must take a lot of water

to swallow that.



Nonsense. You can swallow that

with   gallons.



Isn't that a lot of water

for a patient to take?



Not if the patient

has a bridge in her mouth.



The water flows under, the patient walks

over and meets the pill on the other side.



So it's war!

I'm off to the battlefield!



No, that's from the racetrack.



- Racetrack? Well, what am I doing here?

- Oh, doctor, don't leave me!



Well, you won it, Stuffy.



Nice work, Stuffy.



I told you to lose that race.



Stuffy, where are you? Where's Stuffy?

Did you see my jockey?



Whoa. Please, Mr. Morgan,

Don't stay here.



You ought to beat the head

off that ornery devil!



Well, he only acts this way

when he sees or hears you.



I should have plugged that nag

when I owned him.



Please, Mr. Morgan,

don't stay here.



Calm down. He's gone now.

That's a boy.



You better stay out of Morgan's way

for a while.



Get your ice cream.

Get your tootsie-fruitsie ice cream.






Hey, get out of there.



Hey, that was some ride

you put up.



I had   bucks right

on the nose.



I won    cents. Yeah.



Who you riding tomorrow?



What's the matter? What happened?



You're fired?

Oh, Morgan fired you, huh?



- He wanted you to throw the race?

- He wanted Stuffy to be crooked, eh?



You know he's honest.



He's honest, but you gotta

watch him a little.



Gil, why don't you give Stuffy a job.

Let him ride Hi Hat.



We can't afford a jockey. We haven't

enough money to eat on ourselves.



Eat, eat, eat. All the time eat.

We don't have to eat. I'll eat.



- Hey, you.

- Hello, sheriff.



- Have you got the money for the feed bill?

- You see...



You guys have been stalling me

for weeks.



Either I get some money right now,

or I'm taking Hi Hat.



Wait, wait.

I'll give you some money.



There you are.



Five dollars? That's not enough.

Come on. Well?



All right, all right.

I've got some more. Just...



There you are.



That makes   . Chicken feed.

Come on, you've got some more.



Yeah, but it's hard to get at,

you know?



- Come on, come on.

- All right. Don't hurry.



I've got it someplace.

I know it's someplace.



Here. I knew it was someplace.



Well, that's   .

Have you got any more?



- I'll let you know in a minute.

- Quit stalling. Come on, hurry.



All right, I've got some more,

but I can't hurry.



Hey, what are you doing? Cut it...

Get up. What is this? Cut it...



What are you trying to do?

Get up.



Here! Come back here!



Well, that's fine. Now we owe

the sheriff $     and a sock.



It's a good thing Judy doesn't have

to depend on me.



- I can't even hold on to the horse.

- No? Well, we hold on to the horse.



Say, if we only had some dough.

I got a tip on Sun-Up.



Sun-Up? He's in the next race!

We don't got much time!



Hey, wait! What are we gonna use

for money?



Hey! What are you doing,

you crazy kook, you?



Hey, look, look!

Sun-Up, he's   -to- .



Oh, boy, are we gonna clean up,

  -to- .



- We haven't any money to bet.

- Don't worry. I get us some money.



I find a sucker someplace.



Scram. I think I see a sucker coming now.

Get out of here.



Get your ice cream.



Two dollars on Sun-Up.



Hey. Hey, boss. Boss, come here.

You want something hot?



Not now. I just had lunch.

Anyhow, I don't like hot ice cream.



Hey, come here. I no sell ice cream.

That's fake to fool the police.



I sell tips on the horses. I got something

today can't lose. One dollar.



No. Some other time. I'm sorry.

I'm betting on Sun-Up. Some other time.



- Two dollars on Sun-Up.

- Hey, boss. Hey. Come here.



Sun-Up is the worst horse

on the track.



- I notice he wins all the time.

- Just because he comes in first.



I don't want him any better than first.

Two dollars on Sun-Up.



Hey, boss, come here.

Come here.



Suppose you bet on Sun-Up. What you

gonna get for your money?  -to- .



One dollar, and you'll remember me

all your life.



That's the most nauseating proposition

I ever had.



Come on. Come on.

You look like a sport. Come on, boss.



Don't be a crunger for one buck.



Thank you.



- What's this?

- That's the horse.



How'd he get in here?



Get your ice cream.

Tootsie-fruitsie ice cream.






I had that same horse

when I had my eyes examined.



Hey, ice cream.



What about this optical illusion

you slipped me? I don't understand it.



That's not the real name of the horse.

That's the name in code.



Look in your codebook.



- What do you mean, "code"?

- Look in the codebook.



- That will tell you what horse you got.

- I haven't got any codebook.



- You don't got one?

- You know where I can get one?



Well, just by accident, I think

I've got one right here. Here you are.



- How much is it?

- That's free.



- Oh, thanks.

- Just a $   printing charge.



Well, give me one without printing.

I'm sick of printing.



Come on. You want to win?



- Yeah, sure. Of course I want to win.

- Well, then you've got to have this.



But I don't want the savings

of a lifetime...



...wiped out in the twinkling

of an eye.



- Here.

- Thank you very much.



Ice cream...



"Z-V-B-X-R-P-L, page   ."



Hey, ice cream, I can't make head

or tail out of this.



That's all right. Look in the master

codebook. That will tell you where to look.



Master code? I haven't got

any master codebook.



- You don't got a master codebook?

- Do you know where I can get one?



Well, just by accident, I think

I've got one right here. There you are.



A lot of quick accidents around here

for a quiet neighborhood.



- Is there a printing charge on this?

- No.



Oh, thanks.



Just a $  delivery charge.



Delivery charge?

I'm standing right next to you.



Well, for such a short distance,

I make it $  .



Couldn't I move over here

and make it    cents?



Yes, but I'd move over here

and make it $   just the same.



Say, maybe I'd better

open a charge account, eh?



You got some references?



The only one I know

around here is you.



That's no good.

You'll have to pay cash.



A little while ago, I could have put $ 

on Sun-Up and avoided all this.



Yeah, throw your money away.

Thank you very much.



- I'm all set, huh?

- Yes, sir.



Get your tootsie-fruitsie ice cream.



- Master code, master code, plain code.

- Get your ice cream...




Get your tootsie-fruitsie...



"Z-V-B-X-R-P-L. The letter Z stands for J

unless the horse is a filly."



- Get your tootsie-fruitsie...

- Hey, tootsie-fruitsie.



- Is the horse a filly?

- I don't know. Look in your breeder's guide.



Get your ice cream...



What do you mean?

I haven't got any breeder's guide.



You haven't got a breeder's guide?



Not so loud. I don't want it to get around

that I haven't got a breeder's guide.



Even my best friends don't know

I haven't got a breeder's guide.



Well, boss, I feel pretty sorry for you,

walking around without a breeder's guide.



Why, you're just throwing

your money away...



...buying those other books

without a breeder's guide.



Where can I get one?

As though I didn't know.



One is no good.

You got to have the whole set.



Get your tootsie-fruitsie...



You know, all I wanted was a horse,

not a public library.



- What do you mean? How much is a set?

- One dollar.



- One dollar?

- Yeah. Four for $ .



Give me the four of them.

There's no use throwing away money.



All right, here you are.



This is all I'm buying too.

I didn't want so many...



- I thought you could do this quickly.

- There you are.



Six dollars on Sun-Up.



- Get your tootsie-fruitsie ice cream.

- Breeder's guide.



Get your ice cream.



- "Z-V-B-X-R-P-L is Burns."

- Yeah, that's right.



- Burns?

- Yeah.



Some days it gives you the name

of the jockey instead of the horse.



You find out who jockey Burns is riding,

and that's the horse you bet on. It's easy.



Get your ice cream, tootsie-fruitsie.



I'm getting the idea of it.

I didn't get it for a long time.



It's pretty tricky when you don't

know it, isn't it?



It's not that book.



- It's not that book.

- It's not that book?



Oh, I see.



No. It's not that book.

Not that book.



- Nope. Nope. It's not that book.

- It's not?



No, you haven't got that book.



You've got it, huh?



I'll get it in a minute, though, won't I?



Get your tootsie-fruitsie.



I'm getting a fine tootsie-fruitsying

right here.



Get your ice cream.



- How much is it?

- One dollar.



- And it's the last book I'm buying.

- Sure, you don't need no more. Here.



Now, here's a...

Here's a $    bill.



- Shoot the change, will you?

- I got no change.



I'll have to give you nine more books.

You don't mind.



- You take nine more books.

- Nine more?



- You don't handle any bookcases, do you?

- Well, you come tomorrow again.



- I didn't know that you needed...

- You're gonna win today.



I thought you just walk up

and bet on a horse.



- Open!

- Am I shedding books down there?



Close! Close! That's it.



It's a good thing I brought

my legs with me, eh?



- Now, what horse have I got?

- It's right here.



- I just heard the fella blowing his horn.

- Here it is.



Jockey Burns,    .

That's Rosie.



- Rosie, yeah?

- Look! Oh, boy! Look,   -to- !



-   -to-  huh?

- Oh, what a horse!



Am I gonna give that bookie a whipping!

I was going to bet on Sun-Up at   -to- .



- Look, it's   -to- .

- I'll show them a thing or two.



Hey, there, big boy.

Two dollars on Rosie, eh?



Sorry, that race is over.



- I say the race is over.

- Over? Who won?



- Sun-Up.

- Sun-Up! That's my horse! Sun-Up.



Sun-Up. Hurry up. Sun-Up.



Goodbye, boss. Goodbye. Sun-Up.

Ten,      ... Sun-Up! Forty,   ...



Get your tootsie-fruitsie. Nice ice cream.

Nice tootsie-fruitsie ice cream.



- Oh, Miss Standish?

- Yes?



- These calls came while you were out.

- Oh, thank you.






- Mr. Stewart?

- I'm still out.



I'm sorry. Miss Standish is still out.



Yes, Mr. Whitmore.



What about that call

to the Florida medical board?



What? Well, keep on trying.



Call me the moment you get it.



You can't even get any action

out of your telephone operator.



Don't worry. I'll get the dope

on that Florida quack.



Now, listen, I want to turn this place into

a gambling casino before the season ends.



With my racetrack, my nightclub

and this...



...I'll have every sucker in America here,

but every day counts.



- I'll let you know the moment I get the call.

- I'll be waiting.



Doctor, may I have one

of your photographs?



Why, I haven't one.



I could let you have my footprints,

but they're upstairs in my socks.



I want to announce your association

with the sanitarium.



We'll send your picture

to all the papers.



- Florida papers?

- Yes. It'd be wonderful publicity.



Publicity? We mustn't have any of that.

You know, the ethics of my profession.



But we have to get new patients.



Well, after all, the old patients

were good enough for your father.



Besides, who wants to see my picture?



I'm not a famous man. I'm just a simple

country doctor with horse sense.



Oh, you're too modest.



- We'll forget about the pictures.

- That's better.



And, doctor, remember,

I'm counting on you.



The success of the sanitarium

is in your hands.



Look, Miss Standish, suppose...

Suppose I were to tell you...



...that I'm not the doctor

you think I am.



Well, you're the only one

that can help me.



And do be nice to Mrs. Upjohn,

won't you?



Well, she's not exactly my type,

but for you, I'd make love to a crocodile.






Have the florist send roses to Mrs. Upjohn.

Write "Emily, I love you" on the bill.



Just a moment, Dr. Hackenbush.



Yes, Mr. Whitmore.



No, I haven't been able to get that call

through to the Florida medical board.



Well, I'm doing the best I can.

It ought to be here any minute.



If that call's what I think, she can cancel

those roses and make it lilies for me.



Get me Mr. Whitmore.



- Hello?

- Here's your Florida call, Mr. Whitmore.



All right. Hello?



Florida medical board.

Good morning.



I'd like to talk to the man

in charge of the records, please.



Record department?

Just a moment, sugar.



Record department.

Colonel Hawkins talking.



Colonel Hawkins, did you get a wire

from me regarding Dr. Hackenbush?



I'm sorry, sir, but there's a hurricane

blowing down here...



...and you'll have to talk

a little louder.



It certainly is the windiest day

we ever did have.



It certainly is windy!



I want to know about Dr. Hackenbush!



- Yes?

- Whitmore, cut out that squawking.



The patients are all complaining.



And I hope, sir, that that's

the information that you require.



I'm sorry, colonel. I didn't hear it.

I was called to the Dictograph.



- What was that you said, sir?

- I was called to the Dictograph!



Whitmore, one more yelp out of you,

and I'll have you bounced out of here.



And I trust, sir, that that answers

your question.



I'm terribly sorry, colonel.

I didn't hear you.



I can't hear you. You'll have to talk

a bit louder.



I want to find out something

about Hackenbush!



- Well, what is it now?

- That's the last time...



...I'm gonna warn you

about that yowling.



And in conclusion,

let me say...



I'm sorry, colonel. What was

that you said about Hackenbush?



Hacken... You mean, Dr. Hackenbush?

Oh, no. He's not here.



I know he's not there. He's here!



Then what are you

bothering me for, Yankee?



But I want to know something

about his Florida record.



Here's your Florida call, Mr. Whitmore.



Operator, will you get off the line?!



- Hello? Hello, colonel.

- Yes?



Are you sure you're speaking

of Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush?



- Who?

- Hugo Z. Hackenbush!



Who's calling him?



- The Standish Sanitarium.

- Yeah, that's where he works.



Say, I understand he's doing

a mighty fine job up there.






I want to get some information

regarding his qualifications for the job.



- What job?

- As head of the sanitarium!



- Who?

- Hackenbush!



- Whitmore, are you calling me?

- No, you sap!



- Hello.

- Yes, now, what was that name?



Hackenbush. Hackenbush!



Well, as soon as he comes in,

I'll have him get in touch with you.



Hey, you see that sourpuss?



That's Whitmore,

the man you gotta watch.



You see, he's no good.

He's in with Morgan...



...and I think they're trying to get

the sanitarium away from Miss Judy.



Hey, hey! No, no, no.



You no gonna fight him.

You gonna watch him.



You gotta watch him like a hawk.



That's it. Not so fast.

No, not so fast.



First, I gotta get you

in here as a patient...



...or else Whitmore's going

to get wise to you.



Come on, I take you to the doctor.



Stuffy! Stuffy! Hey, come here.

Hey, he won't hurt you.



No, no, come here.

This fella's a nice doctor.



You're hungry, eh?

You want some ice cream?



You want a nice, big steak?

With spinach?



All right, all right.

No spinach. No spinach.



Apple pie? And beautiful nurses?



Oh, baby, come on.

You're gonna get a nurse.



Oh, my, you're gonna get plenty.



- Have you seen Dr. Hackenbush?

- No, doctor.



Go find him.

Mrs. Upjohn wants him.



- What's the matter with Mrs. Upjohn?

- Nothing, in its most violent form.



- Pick me up at  .

- Yes, sir.



- May I have an okay on this, please?

- I'm too busy right now.



I'll put the O on now

and come back later for the K.



- Dr. Hackenbush.

- A little later.



- Get me the Turkish bath.

- Yes, sir.



Dr. Hackenbush, Mrs. Upjohn

is complaining again...



...and these x-rays show

nothing wrong with her.



Is that so? Who are you gonna believe,

me or those crooked x-rays?



Doctor, the Turkish bath.



Hello? Gus, will you look in the steam room

and see if my frankfurters are done?



That will be all.

I have some important research.






Excuse me.



Oh, so you're the doctor.



Yeah, remember me?

I used to be in the book business.



Hey, forget about that, doc.



- I got some good news for you.

- Yeah? What are the odds?



No, no, it's no horse.

I got a patient for you.



Oh, a patient? Oh, fine.

What size?



- You didn't get him here any too soon.

- Hey, Stuffy!



Sit down here till I snatch you

from the jaws of death.



- Just sit quietly.

- Sit down.



Either he's dead,

or my watch has stopped.



He's a good doctor.



Knows his business.



Singing doctor.



Here you are. Oh, come on.

This isn't gonna hurt.



- Come on, everybody gets that.

- Open up those pearly gates.



Flip this under your flapper. Attaboy.



- Didn't hurt, did it, huh?

- He's pretty sick, eh, doc?



Well, that temperature

certainly went down fast.



Hey, don't drink that poison!

That's $  an ounce.



We better put him to bed.

He looks awfully sick today.



Better get him a nurse too.



If he thinks that, he'll go to bed.



- Come on.

- There, now. Take it easy, will you?



He's been a doctor for years,

this fella.



I've been a doctor longer than you've been

a patient, I'll tell you that.



Come on. Why do you do like that?



What do you think,

he's gonna play with you?



No, don't look at me.

Let me look at you, huh?






Don't look at me.

What do you think I am, a peepshow?



Get away there, will you?



It's rather a strange-Iooking sight.



- Yeah, it's serious, huh, doc?

- I haven't seen anything like this in years.



The last time I saw a head like that

was in a bottle of formaldehyde.



- I told you he was sick.

- That's all pure desiccation along there.



He's got about a   -percent metabolism

with an overactive thyroid...



...and a glandular affectation

of about   percent.



- That's bad, huh?

- With a   -percent mentality.



He's what we designate

as the crummy, moronic type.



This is the most gruesome-Iooking

piece of blubber I've ever peered at.



Hey, doc! Hey, doc.



You got the looking glass turned around.

You're looking at yourself.



I knew it all the time.



That was a good joke on all of us,

wasn't it?



Let's do it again sometime, huh?



Say, "Ah."









- Hey, doc, where you going?

- I'm going to the ear doctor. I'm deaf.



Come on back. It's not you. It's him.



Sometimes, I'm not sure

who's getting the examination here.



Take it easy, now, huh?



Say, am I stewed,

or did a grapefruit just fly past?



I don't see nothing.



If that's his Adam's apple,

he's got yellow fever.



- He's got ingrown balloons.

- He has, huh?



Well, we'll soon find out.



- Hold that till I get a rock.

- He's got a blister on his tongue.



- Is that what it is?

- I think he's a Ubangi.



Well, I'll get the hammer

and "Ubangi" that right off.



I had a case like that once in Düsseldorf

many years ago, and...



Say, it's grown considerably,

hasn't it, huh?



- What's that hairy fungus all over it?

- Some fungus, eh, doc?



Not a great deal, no.



- Well...

- You're making a mistake. That's his head.



If that's his head,

he's making a mistake, not me.



I can't do anything for him.

That's a case for Frank Buck.



Put him in the room

till Frank Buck gets here.



Fine. Shall we say a   -buck room,

or would you prefer something better?



- We'll take something better.

- That's nice.



- But we'll talk about the money tomorrow.

- Oh, no. Money on the line, or out you go.



"To Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush,

for saving my horse."



- Come here with that watch.

- You, a horse doctor?



- A little easy with that talk.

- A horse doctor.



- Don't mention that word around here.

- Hey, that's terrible.



I'm gonna tell Miss Judy quick.



No. That's no good.



Miss Judy, she's depending on you.

A horse doctor.



Now, listen, boys, I admit it.

You've caught me with my coat down.



- Well, it's been nice knowing you.

- Oh, no, you don't. Oh, no.



Let's get together.

I'm open to any kind of proposition.



All right, you stick on this job.



You make Mrs. Upjohn happy,

or we're gonna have you thrown in jail.



Well, that doesn't leave me

much choice, does it?



Nobody must know

you're a horse doctor.



You make one false move,

and we fix you good.



I hate to admit it,

but I haven't got a leg to stand on.



Now, let's...

Hey, wait a minute!



- Bring that over here.

- There it goes.



- No, whip it around the other way.

- You keep quiet.



- We know what we're doing.

- Okay.



Say, I thought I wasn't

gonna be able to walk again.



- I got it too.

- It's fine now.



Stuffy, I got it. Come on.



 :  . That's bad.



You think that's bad?

I know something worse than that.



- Did Stuffy tell you?

- Tell me what?



- Hackenapuss, he's a horse doctor.

- What?



- Sure. Here, ask Stuffy.

- A horse doctor?



- Does anyone else know about this?

- Only Hackenapuss, and he won't talk.



It's bound to get out sooner or later.



There must be something

we can do to help Judy.



Yes. Hi Hat, you gotta win the race

and make us plenty of money.



Stuffy's right.

Hi Hat's too hungry to run.



I'm gonna get paid extra for singing

at the water carnival tonight.



That's fine. You sing,

I sell some more books...



...and Stuffy, he's gonna

put Hi Hat to bed.



I've gotta go to rehearsal.

See you later.



- All right. Good luck.

- Hey, you!



Hello, sheriff.



I told you not to take this horse out

till I got the rest of my dough.



We didn't take him out.

He walked out, we followed.



I warned you.

Now I'm taking the nag.



Hey, you can't take that horse. How will

we win money to pay the feed bill?



That don't mean a thing to me. I'm gonna

put him where nobody will take him out.



He couldn't get you,

so he took six other girls.



Isn't it beautiful?



It's the prettiest number

I've ever seen.



Oh, Hugo, it's so impress...



Now what?



The idea!



Oh, now, Judy, wait a minute.



I want to talk to you.

You can't depend on Hackenbush.



Mrs. Upjohn is perfectly satisfied with

Dr. Hackenbush, and that's what matters.



In fact, she may take over

the notes tomorrow.



I guess everything's all right.

Nothing to worry about?



No, not a thing,

except that horse of yours.



Wait. That horse is all right.

He's in the pink.



Why, today he ran the mile in  :  .

That horse is going places.



Oh, that's wonderful.

I wish you luck.



- Thanks. I'm sorry I bothered you.

- It's all right.



Now, Judy, I'm the biggest liar

in seven states.



He isn't all right,

he isn't in the pink...



...and it was  :   instead of  :  ...



...and the only place he'll go

is where the sheriff takes him.



You can't possibly mean Hi Hat.



Well, there's only one horse

in my stable.



Come on, let me have the rest of it.



The only thing I'm going

to say is this, Gil:



Don't ever let a horse

come between us again.



She loves him.



Everything is going to be

all right now.



Change your partners.



- Hugo, I am surprised at you.

- Oh, you didn't know I could rumba?



Change your partners.



How would you like me

to dance away from you?



I'd be satisfied if you'd dance

off my feet.



I'm disappointed. To think of your dancing

with that strange woman.



Well, don't think of it.

Think of me dancing with you.



I'm crazy about you.



Nothing will ever

come between us again.



You don't know

how Ionely I get at night...


            my little room at the sanitarium.



Room    .



Perhaps I could come in

and say good night to you.



Yes. We could have a midnight snack,

nice little steak between us.



Why, Hugo!



You'd stay up until midnight.

That's how you follow doctor's orders.



You know you're supposed to be in bed

by   :  .   :  .   :  .



Listen, we mustn't have

any disturbance here tonight.



All right. I can wait.



Well, it's in the bag. I have a date

with him in his room at   .



Nice going. See that you stay there

till I break in with Mrs. Upjohn.



I want Hackenbush fired

out of the sanitarium tonight.



Don't worry.

When you knock on the door...



...I'll have that moth-eaten Romeo

playing the balcony scene.



I got you. I got you. L...



You're spoiling my game.

What's the matter?



What's the matter?



Buffalo Bill?



Buffalo Bill goes ice-skating?



Oh, Hackenbush!



Oh, what's the matter with him?



Dr. Hackenbush.



He's got a snake?






He's got apple dumpling?



Dr. Hackenbush...



...he's got apple dumpling.



No apple dumpling.



No, it's no apple dumpling. No.






Oh, it's a woman! A woman.

Oh, I get it.



Oh, there's a woman.

Yeah. Smart, eh?



Dr. Hackenbush...



...there's a woman...



...she got a wooden leg?






She got a woodpecker?



She got a headache?



Dr. Hackenbush...



...there's a woman...



...she knock on the door!



She knock on the door!

All right. All right.



Dr. Hackenbush, there's a woman,

she knock on the door...



You're crazy!

You make me sick.



What's the matter now?



Oh, she's going to frame him!



Oh, come on. Hurry up. Hurry up.



- Who is it?

- It's Miss Marlowe.



Just a moment, fruitcake.






Oh, doctor.



- Thank you.

- Thank you.



- Do you like gardenias?

- I adore them.



- How did you know?

- I didn't, so I got you forget-me-nots.



One whiff of this,

and you'll forget everything.



Won't you sit down?



- Thank you.

- Thank you.



Oh, do you mind?



Not at all. I always take the wrap.



You are such a charming host.



The Hackenbushes, we're all like that.



- How about a short beer?

- Nothing, thank you.



Thank you.



Miss Marlowe, I've dreamed

of this moment ever since I met you.



For days, I've been trying to see you...



...and I still don't seem

to be able to make the grade.



A quiet evening alone with you.

What more could anyone ask?



Say, did you sneak out of here?



Oh, there you are.



Isn't this too, too devastating?



You mind carving?

I can't reach the steak from here.









Hey, doc. Hey, doc, can you see us?



If I can't, there's something wrong

with my glasses.



You mean, her? She's the one?



We fix her.



Oh, baby, you look good to me!



Oh, stop it!



Wait a minute.

I thought you came here to see me.



Well, I can see you from here.



Get up, you...



You know my friend.



Oh, no. Not for me,

three men on a horse.



What is the meaning of this?



Why, you little pest.



What's the matter with you mugs?

Haven't you got any gallantry?



She's with Whitmore.

She's trying to frame you.



Wouldn't mind framing her.

A prettier picture I've never seen.



- Thank you.

- Thank you.



Hey, doc. Doc, I'm telling you a secret!

She's out to get you!



Why, I've never been so insulted

in my life.



Well, it's early yet.



I'm leaving. I'm not going to stay here

with these men.



You're not leaving. They're leaving.

I want you fellas to get out.



- Oh, my cape!

- Come back here with my woman.



You fellas are busting up

a beautiful romance.



Get her out.

She's going to make trouble.



You're wrong. This is my aunt. She's

come to talk over some family matters.



I wish I had an aunt look like that.



Well, take it up with your uncle.



Hey, doc. Doc, you're playing with fire.



- You didn't mind getting scorched.

- I got fire insurance.



Well, you better get accident.



Scram. Blow.



How do you like those cheap chiselers

horning in on us?



- Thank you.

- Thank you.



- How about a little Scotch?

- Why, I'd love it.



Oh, I'll ring for some.



- Thank you.

- Thank you.



Will you have the bellhop

hop up with some hop Scotch?



I'll flip you to see who pays for it.



Oh, doctor.



I'm O'Reilly, the house detective.



Don't talk so loud.

Your mustache will drop off.



Have you got a woman in here?



If I haven't, I've wasted    minutes

of valuable time.



You better get her out.

This is the last time I'll tell you.



The last time? Can I depend on that?



Yes, because this time,

I'm going to stay all night.



- This looks like a tough case.

- So does this.



I think I'll call me assistant.



If you're looking for my fingerprints,

you're a little early.



When you're through

with that steak, chew him.



Pull in your ears.

You're coming to a tunnel.



Get along, little doggies.

Get along, little doggies.



It's been a nice, quiet dinner.



How do you know?

You haven't had any yet. Shall we?



- Thank you.

- Thank you.



Tomato soup?



Have you got a can opener?



Oh, here it is.



Oh, I'm really not hungry.



Couldn't we just sit over here?



I want to be near you.

I want you to hold me.



Oh, hold me closer.



Closer. Closer.



If I hold you any closer,

I'll be in back of you.



You're so comforting.



The Hackenbushes, we're all like that.



Shall we sit down and bat it around?



You're a little near-seated...

A little nearsighted, aren't you?



Oh, no. There's nobody else going

to get in. I bolted the door.



Say, fun is fun.



We come to hang the paper.



How about hanging yourself instead?



- Well, I'm going to stay right here.

- Thank you.



That's right, Stuffy. You work that side, I

work this side, and we meet on the ceiling.



You'll wind up on the gallows

is my prediction.



I must be a citizen.

I just got my second papers.



Looks like a wet track tomorrow, Stuffy.



- I think Stuffy's is the one with water.

- I'll see that he's dismissed immediately.



What's going on?



Good gracious!



You're mistaken. There's no woman here.



- What are they...?

- No?






What are you doing?



I'm having the place done over.

It'll make a lovely honeymoon suite.



- Good...

- You better go, dear.



- We're tearing up the floor next.

- Oh, my.



Come, Mr. Whitmore.

I've a few words to say to you.



Boys, you were wonderful.

You saved my life.



I'll get even. You... You dirty, low-down,

cheap, double-crossing snake.



Thank you.



Hugo, speak to me.



I said I was sorry about last night.



I never should have mistrusted you.



Isn't there anything I can do

to make you forgive me?



You could take over the notes

from Miss Standish.



Then would you forgive me?



Well, it would help.



Emily, I can't hide it any longer.

I love you.



Oh, Hugo.



It's the old, old story, boy meets girl.



Romeo and Juliet.



Minneapolis and St. Paul.



Mrs. Upjohn.



Judy has the papers ready

for you to sign.



Later, later. Can't you see we're busy?



It's all right.

I'll remember where I left off.



Must they do that now?



Mrs. Upjohn, just a moment, please.



Mrs. Upjohn, may I present

Dr. Leopold X. Steinberg of Vienna?



And this is Dr. Hackenbush.



Doctor. I have a few questions

I would like to ask you.



I've got a question I'd like to ask you.



Steinberg, what do you do

with your old razorblades?



I've been telling Dr. Steinberg

about your unusual case.



Yes, and I would like to know

what is this ailment, double blood pressure?



Dr. Hackenbush tells me

I'm the only case in history.



I have high blood pressure on my right

side and low blood pressure on my left side.



There is no such thing.



She looks as healthy

as any woman I've met.



You don't look like

you ever met a healthy woman.



- What?

- Gentlemen, gentlemen.



There's a very simple way to settle this.

Why not examine Mrs. Upjohn?



- Splendid, splendid.

- Right this way, Mrs. Upjohn.



Dr. Hackenbush will show you,

then I insist that you apologize to him.



Come, Hugo. The idea!



Hey, doc, where you going?

If Steinberg examines her, we're through.



- I'm through right now.

- You're not.



You gotta get in there.

Do anything, but stop Steinberg. Hurry.



I'll say. I'm hopping the next

banana boat for Central America.



Hey, doc, where you going?



Wait, doc. Wait.



It's all right with me. Go right ahead.

I'm not sleeping here tonight.



- It's Hi Hat.

- Nonsense. That's a horse.



No, it's Hi Hat. We hide him in the closet

so the sheriff can't find him.



Is that so?

He's not going to find me either...



...because I'm leaving here

right away, boys.



Doc, doc, wait a minute, now.



- No, I'll see you again sometime.

- No, doc, please.



See you again, just as soon

as I get my effects.



Old Hackenbush isn't gonna be

with you very long.



- Doc, you can't walk out on us like this.

- I'll say I can't. I'm gonna run out.



You can't go, doc.

If you walk out, where will Judy be?



She won't be in jail,

and that's where I'll be if I stay here.



Besides, what can I do?



- You've got to stop the examination.

- Not today I don't.



Are you a man or a mouse?



You put a piece of cheese down there,

and you'll find out.



Well, it's been nice seeing you.



Oh, no, you don't.

You leave, it's over my dead body.



Well, that's a pleasant way to travel.



All right. Now, look, doc.

You can't leave Miss Judy in a fix like this.



- I know, but the sheriff...

- Doc, doc.



If you leave now,

Judy loses the sanitarium.



All right. I'll stay.



You're gonna stay?

I knew you'd do it, doc.



Next, we will see...



Just a moment. Take your hands off her!



A fine doctor you are.



You're not supposed to touch a patient

without being sterilized.



You don't see me running

an examination like that.



No, that's true.



And I think it would be very interesting...


            see just how Dr. Hackenbush

does conduct an examination.



Splendid, splendid. Show them, doctor.



If you insist, I'll proceed.



In case you've never done it,

this is known as washing your hands.



I'd rather have it rusty than missing.



You'll go a long ways to see

prettier drippings than those.



Why sterilization? After all,

this is not an operation, you know?



Not yet, but I may get hot and operate

on everybody in the joint, including you.



Come, come, doctor. Aren't you ready?



Now, Mrs. Upjohn,

I guess I know my business.



Of course, that's just a guess

on my part...



...but at any rate, I know a thing

or two about cleanliness...



...and that's more than I can say

for that mountain goat standing there.



Come, doctor. We're waiting.



All right. If you insist,

we'll proceed at once.



Now, Mrs. Upjohn,

I want you to take your arms...



...and let them wave through the air

with the greatest of ease.



Not too swiftly.



- Like that, doctor?

- Yes, that's splendid.



How long do you want me

to do this, doctor?



Just until you fly away.



I told you guys to stay down

in that room with those pigeons.



Dr. Hackenbush, tell me,

who sent for these men?



You don't have to send for them.

You just rub a lamp, and they appear.



- My name is Steinberg.

- Nix. Nix. That's Steinberg.



Dr. Steinberg, by a strange coincidence,

this is another Dr. Steinberg.



May I introduce my colleagues

and good friends, another Dr. Steinberg?



This is a Dr. Steinberg, Dr. Steinberg.



Dr. Steinberg and Mrs. Steinberg.



And, doctor, I'd like you

to meet another Dr. Steinberg.



And that's Steinberg Jr.



If Dr. Hackenbush is not going to continue

with the examination, professor...



...may we have your diagnosis, please?

- With pleasure.



In all my years of medicine...



In your years of medicine. You don't

know the first thing about medicine.



And don't point that beard at me.

It might go off.



Dr. Steinberg, do you remember

your diagnosis?



Certainly. To begin with,

her pulse is absolutely normal.



- I challenge that.

- Challenge that?



- You take her pulse.

- Pulse?



- Take her pulse!

- I don't do any pulse work.



I am an acute diagnostician.



Take her pulse. Take her pulse!



Oh, no, no, no. My purse, my purse,

my purse. He has my purse!



You must forgive him.

He doesn't spell very well.



Oh, dear. Come, gentlemen.

Let us begin.



You shouldn't have done that. Now we're

all unsterilized. What's the matter with you?



Well, I must say,

I've seen quicker examinations.



Maybe, but you'll never see

a slipperier one.



- Are you ready to proceed?

- We'll proceed immediately.



Doctor. And what do you expect

to do next?



The next thing I think we should do

is wash our hands.



- You're absolutely right.

- Oh, I've never seen...



- Oh, what is the matter with them?

- I don't know.



- What is this? Get away!

- Everything is going to be all right.



Nurse, sterilization! Sterilization!



- Are they mad? What is it?

- No, we're not mad.



We're just terribly hurt, that's all.



Hey, just a moment. Just put

the gown on, not the nurse, huh?



Come here.



- How is it a dame like that never gets sick?

- But I am sick.



Doctor, will you pay attention to me?



You'll have to get in line.

There's three orders ahead of you.



That poor girl may be out there,

catching her death of cold.



- Same nurse, sterilization.

- Doc, get away from there.



- This is absolutely insane!

- That's what they said about Pasteur.



This is ridiculous.

Put the patient in a horizontal position.



- Oh, what are you gonna do now?

- Be careful. Be careful.



I don't want to be examined anymore.

Do you hear me?



Doctor, where are you?



Oh, my. I want to get down.

You let me down this very moment.



Do you hear me?



I'll get you down.



I'll report this to Miss Standish.

You wait and see.



What are you doing?

Get off there. Get off there!



How do you like that, honey?



What are you doing? Give me that.



Get away from me. I don't want

to have my head massaged!



In all my life, I haven't seen

such an examination!



But there is one indisputable test.



- What?

- The x-ray!



- X-ray!

- X-ray!



X-ray! All about the examination!



X-ray! All about the examination!



X-ray! X-ray!






That's enough! I will call the police!



I've never gone through

anything like this!



- Well, I certainly messed things up for Judy.

- You messed things up?



I suppose old Doc Hackenbush

didn't throw a nasty monkey wrench.



You no throw the monkey wrench.



I'm the guy that did it.



Now, listen.

It was nobody's fault but mine.



I don't want any more arguments.

It was all my fault.



I think he's right. It was his fault.



Oh, it was my fault, eh?

That's the thanks I get.



I get you the first shower you had in years,

you turn on me like a snake in the grass.



- Someone's coming.

- The sheriff.



- Judy.

- Hello, Miss Judy.



- Hello. Hello.

- You're the prettiest sheriff I've ever seen.



- Thought I was the sheriff?

- Taking no chances.



I just brought you these blankets.



I thought it might make it

a little more comfortable living out here.



Get up. Get up.



Don't worry about our comfort.

We bungled your affairs.



You did your best, Gil.



Yes, and our best was none too good.



Tell me, is the water still running

in the examination room?



After tomorrow,

I'm afraid that's Mr. Morgan's worry.



Morgan, he no got the sanitarium yet.



A lot of things can happen

before tomorrow.



The sanitarium doesn't matter anymore.



Gil, you were right.

I've been taking things far too seriously.



It's much better this way.

Now I can be free. I won't be tied down.



I can enjoy myself and really laugh.



Oh, Judy, please.



Don't cry, Miss Judy.

I feel sad, but I laugh.



I laugh. Stuffy's laughing too. Look.



Go on and laugh, Stuffy.



Hey, look. Look at Hackenapuss.

Laugh. Go on, laugh.



Where did that come from?



It can't be that bad, Judy.



Look at those kids. Laughing, happy.



Come on. You're just a kid.

Laugh. Be happy.



It's the sheriff.



- Hey, you.

- I ain't done nothing.



You've got nothing on me.

My skirts are clean.



Yeah? This letter from Florida

says you're a horse doctor.



Put them all under arrest.



They won't run, sheriff,

if you break their legs.



Get that horse. Get that horse.



What's wrong with that horse?



He goes wild every time

he sees Morgan or hears his voice.



Get him out.



Hey, come here, you.

Where do you think you're going?



You can't get away with this.



Never mind him. Get the horse.



Why, you!



Nice work, Stuffy.



Stop that horse!

Don't let him get out of here!



Did you see that horse jump?



And I'm doing some

pretty fancy jumping myself.



Let me off this rope!



I'll throw you all in jail!

Get me down! Get me out of here!



This is no way to treat the law.

You'll never get away with this!



I'll get you.



There he goes.



If he's headed south,

I'd like to make a reservation.



Look at that horse.

He cleared the automobile.



I wish I could clear mine.



Darling, perhaps that's why he

never won a race. He's a jumper.



Am I a sap. I have a steeplechase horse,

and I don't know it.



We're gonna find that added starter

and see that he doesn't start.



They're not pulling any fast ones.

Hi Hat's not running.



- But Hi Hat isn't a jumper.

- He was doing plenty of jumping last night.



- But he can't beat your horse.

- Well, I'm not taking any chances.



My money is riding on Skee Ball,

and that's not all.



If Hi Hat wins,

we can kiss the sanitarium goodbye.



Well, Morgan, you got nothing

to worry about. Hi Hat's not on this track.



See he doesn't get on.

Put a man at every gate.



If that nag slips by you,

it means your job.



Here. Keep me posted.



He's made it!

He's made it!



Go ahead, Stuffy!

Go to it. Good luck!



Ride them, cowboy,

or we're heading for the lockup.



Come on. We get a reserved seat.



- Gil!

- I got a man on every gate.



- There's no sign of them.

- See there's no sign of them till after.



Whoa, Hi Hat!

Whoa, boy! Hi Hat, whoa!



Hey, what you got in there?



If you believe in signs, Sherlock,

look at that ambulance.



- Now, wait a minute, sheriff!

- Don't you start anything, Stewart!



We'll just put this baby

under lock and key.



You keep searching for those other mugs.






What's the matter?



What's happened?






Hi Hat's gone!



- The race is going to start!

- They won't start till we find Hi Hat.



Now, listen, son,

you're riding this race to win.



I don't care what you do as long

as the judges don't see you doing it.



All right, men!

Go to your horses!






We are sorry for the delay,

but the horses are now coming on the track.



Twenty-five minutes late!



The horses are parading

past the grandstand.



Only    are headed postward.



Hi Hat, the added starter, is missing.



This is the third running...



Hey, Stuffy! Stuffy!

Did you find him?



Did you find the ambulance?



Well, keep on looking.

We know it came in.



Now that the storm of hats

has subsided...



... the stewards have ordered

the track cleared for action.



- Don't stop searching till you find them!

- Here you are, boss.



- and the horses are back on parade

towards the starting point.



They're going back now,

up to the starting post.



And everyone is getting his own hat,

we hope.



The horses are coming back

to the starter now. They're very fractious.



They are giving the boys

quite a bit of trouble.



First Legion is acting very badly...



Free parking! Here you are!

Free parking!



Get your free parking!

Come on! Come on, this way!



They're coming up this time,

almost in an even line.



The starter has his flag up,

and it looks like...



Wait a minute!

What is this?



A horserace or an automobile race?



Hold those horses!



Hold it! Hold it!



Plenty of room. Nice fresh parking today.

Right ahead, folks.



You girls got anything on for tonight?



Hey! Hey!



- Get that one!

- Hey, get off!



Going my way?



Get them out!

Get them out of here!



Hey, Stuffy, did you find Hi Hat?



Well, keep looking.

He must be around somewheres.



Get that horse out of there!

There's been a terrible wreck!



Come on! Hurry up! Help me!



- Come on, we've got no time to lose.

- Is she alive?



- Get going, sheriff, I'll take care of her.

- All right.



- Well, here we are again.

- Come on!



Get them off

before something else happens.



- Turn that horse around.

- It looks like he's going to send them away.



- Yes, yes...

- Now, easy, easy.



And now they go!



- At last.

- Flying Demon is third.



Sun Helmet is fourth, and Green Goddess.



Skee Ball showing the way

in the center of the track...



... by two lengths.

Sun Helmet is second.



Green Goddess is third,

and Flying Demon is fourth.



Now they're going around the first turn

with Skee Ball in front by two lengths.



First Legion is second by a head.



Wait a minute!

What is this?



What is...?

What happened?



Get me the riot squad!



- Oh, Mr. Morgan, don't get excited.

- I'm not excited! Shut up!



Quiet, please. Your attention.



Quiet, please! Your attention!






The stewards have ruled this

a false start...



... and have ordered the horses back

to the starting post.



Now, ladies and gentlemen,

if you will all...



Stuffy, scram!



Who knows, we may yet have

a horserace this afternoon.



Horses are back at the starting point.



And now the boys are turning them about.

They're very nervous, very fractious.



They're having quite a bit of trouble.



Get that wagon off of here!



Get off!



Get it off!



Hi Hat, he got him away from me!

I don't know where he is!



What do you think that is, stupid?



- Number  !

- Somebody's gonna pay for this!



That's Hi Hat!



They're coming up to the start this time,

and the starter has his flag raised.



And now they go!



Here comes Hi Hat!



And he's in the race!



Come on! Hoof it!



Skee Ball going to the front,

First Legion is second...



... Flying Demon is third,

Sun Helmet is fourth...



... and Green Goddess is fifth.



Now there goes Hi Hat into contention.



He's picking up the field,

he's moving up between horses.



And look at him go!

He's moving up there at the leader.



And Skee Ball's still in front,

pressing into second.



But here comes Hi Hat between horses,

and now he's challenging the leader.



Skee Ball in front

by a length and one half.



Hi Hat is second by three-quarters

of a length.



First Legion is third

by a length and one half...



... and Flying Demon is fourth.

Now Skee Ball is going out a bit.



And they're coming to the first fence now,

and Skee Ball takes it...



... but Hi Hat refuses.

He's turning back.



But wait a minute, wait a minute.

He's going to try it. There he goes.



He's going after it this time,

and he's over!



Oh, your idea worked, Judy!



Flying Demon is third by three-quarters

of a length. Sun Helmet in fourth.



Oh, he's lost Morgan's picture!



And he's going up on the outside

this time...



... and here he is at the leader! It's Skee Ball

in front. Here comes Skee Ball...



Can you shout like Morgan?



No, but Morgan can.



- third by three-quarters of a length.

Skee Ball on the outside.



And Hi Hat on the rail,

with Flying Demon third...



Something's happened

to the loudspeaker.



- Let me take a look.

- Give me those glasses...



It's you! Officer!



You take care of Judy,

and I'll take care of Morgan.



I hope the judges didn't see that.



Mind telling the radio audience

what a heel you are?



Come back later.

I've had enough of y...



If the police can't handle you,

I'll handle you myself!



Keep that man away from me,

do you understand?



Get down there! And stay there!



And see that

I'm not disturbed again today!



Get out of here!



Get out of here!



Oh, we've got him!

He won't get away this time!



- They're both down!

- Stuffy's down!



Skee Ball's in the lead!



- Smell this.

- Oh, get away!



I don't wanna smell anything!

Get him out of here!



Come on! How many men

does it take to do this?



Come on, Skee Ball!

Come on, Skee Ball!



Come on, boy!



Skee Ball wins! He wins at everything!

Let me out of here.



Okay, sheriff, what are your rates

for a cell with southern exposure?



Gil, Hi Hat couldn't have tried harder.



We were just unlucky.



Great race, Skee Ball.

Great race, Skee Ball.



Get out of here!

Get him out of here!



- Why, it's number  !

- Hi Hat's the winner.



- Hi Hat wins! Cancel that reservation.

- It's Hi Hat!



Gil, come on! Come on,

I want to put the wreath on the winner!



One more yell out of you,

and he'd have jumped over the grandstand.



- Stuffy!

- Stuffy, you were wonderful!



- Oh, boy!

- I haven't seen so much mudslinging...



...since the last election.



Come on, boy! Hi Hat!



- Hallelujah!

- Hallelujah!






Emily, I have a little confession to make.



I really am a horse doctor.



But marry me,

and I'll never look at any other horse.






Special help by SergeiK