Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Steve Martin movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid Script



It was a quiet day at the
Rigby Reardon Detective Agency. I had a hangover, and business was
so slow I was rereading old newspapers. I was even thinking of closing up
the office for a few days... ...when all of a sudden...
- (knock at door) - Mr Reardon?
- That's right. My... name... my... In all my years in the business,
I'd never seen anything like her. Was she real? There was
only one way to find out. But I remembered Marlowe's words. What the hell does Marlowe know? She was real all right. What are you doing? Adjusting your breasts. You fainted and they...
shifted all outta whack. - There.
- Thank you. You're welcome. (she sighs) Thank you. I... I apologise
for my dramatic entrance. It's just when I saw
the... newspaper headlines... - You must be quite a Dodgers fan.
- No, I saw... the front page. - What's your name, Dollface?
- Juliet Forrest. Forrest... Daughter of the big cheesemaker.
You could use a cup of my famous java. Cheese was Daddy's hobby.
He was a scientist. - Quite an accident he had.
- That's what I came to see you about. You don't think it was an accident.
You think he was murdered. How did you know? It's my business to know,
Miss Forrest. Sit down. What makes you think
it wasn't an accident? Just before it... it happened, ... ...he behaved very erratically, writing
out lists of names, dozens of them. He wrote them on blotters
and scratch pads, whatever was handy. Here's one of the lists... or part of one. It's from a dollar bill. Somehow I got the feeling he was
the victim of a giant conspiracy. You deducted murder
and a giant conspiracy from this? You think I'm too impulsive,
don't you, Mr Reardon? Maybe. Maybe not. If you want me to investigate
your father's death, I get $ a day. Plus expenses. Will $ be enough
in advance, Mr Reardon? - For $ I'd shoot my grandmother.
- That won't be necessary. You never can tell. n my last case, I
had to throw my brother out of a plane. Where'd your father
keep his correspondence? He had a small private office downtown.
Here's the key. Thank you, Mr Reardon.
I appreciate this. - Miss Forrest?
- Yes? Save me some shoe leather if you
told me what address this key fits. It was Firehouse Row. Pretty seedy part of town
for a renowned scientist. It was the only place
he could experiment with cheese... ...without the smell
bothering the neighbours. I'll see what I can turn up. Good day, Mr Reardon. On my way to Firehouse Row,
I tried not to think of Juliet Forrest. I hadn't seen a body like that... ...since I'd solved the case of
the murdered girl with the big tits. I had no trouble finding
Dr Forrest's cheese lab. It smelled like the number on the door. Inside, I turned up
something interesting. "To John Forrest, a dear man who, like
his cheeses, gets stronger with age." "Love, Kitty." So the old renowned scientist
was getting a little on the side. "Enemies of Carlotta." "Friends of Carlotta." - "Kitty Collins"?
- (footsteps) Sounds like company. (knocking) Exterminator. Just a minute. Come in. Sit down. There's some cookies on the table. Have one. (crunching) Good, aren't they? Guess to be a really good exterminator
you have to enjoy killing things. Yeah. (doorbell) - Yes?
- I'd like to see Miss Forrest. - Who shall I say is calling?
- Mr Reardon. Tell her I've been shot. Very good, sir. - May I tell her by whom?
- No. I don't know myself. Are you all right? You look
as though you're going to faint. Faint? Ha! Never. - Catch me.
- Sorry. I'm a butler... not a catcher. - (sucking)
- Dollface... What are you doing?! It should feel better now. - Where'd you learn that?
- At camp. - You learned that at girls' camp?
- It's really for snakebite, but... ...I find it works for everything. You mumbled about Kitty Collins
and Swede Anderson being on a list. - "Friends of Carlotta"?
- That's right. Do you know them? Kitty was... ...Kitty was someone Daddy
trifled with after Mother dried up. And Swede was Kitty's boyfriend. Where are they now? The last I heard,
they were in Santa Barbara. He used to be a boxer.
Now he works in a gas station, ... ...and she sings in a private club. You may be interested in this.
I found it in Daddy's study. "Thanks for the check.
In case I'm indisposed, ... ...the dollar you gave me for safekeeping
is in the top of the sugar bowl." - "Shh."
- (whispers) Why? No. This. No, no, no. That's not "Shh."
It's S-H-H. Samuel H Hastings. My brother-in-law. r at least he was. He and my sister Leona are separated.
He's a hopeless drunk. - Where is he now?
- I don't know. Get your sister Leona for me. All right. I'm afraid she may
not be very much help. - She's very disturbed.
- How disturbed? She's been diagnosed
as a paranoid hypochondriac. - Doctors think she may be faking.
- I'll know after one word if she is. (phone) - Hello?
- She's faking. Mrs Hastings? My name's Reardon.
Sorry to hear your father's passed on. No, he hasn't.
He won't be back till Sunday. Sunday? You don't understand,
Mrs Hastings. I'm investigating your father's death. My father called me from Chicago
tonight. He never mentioned a word! Maybe it slipped his mind. (whistles) Look, uh, your father
is dead, Mrs Hastings. Your sister Juliet feels
his death wasn't an accident. What are you talking about? I had a long talk with him
just a little while ago. - He told me terrible things about you.
- Listen, you phony fruitcake! Sorry I called you a fruitcake.
I just don't have time to listen to... All right, don't listen! Who cares? Your sister has a lot to learn
about phone courtesy. You got any idea
how I could locate Sam? You might ask the bartenders
along th Street. I'll call you if I turn up anything. h... If I'm not home, leave a message
with the butler or the cleaning woman. Cleaning woman. Cleaning woman. Cleaning woman. Cleaning woman! Cleaning woman! Cleaning woman! Cleaning woman! Cleaning woman! Cleaning woman! (coughs) Sorry. Why did you do that? When I was seven years old, ... father ran off with the cleaning... (mouths) My mother died of a broken heart. Now every time
someone says cleaning... (mouths) ...I go berserk.
- h! You poor dear. I don't blame you for strangling me. I'll never say it again. Thanks. So long, Dollface. I legged it down th Street
looking for Samuel H Hastings. It was a street of frustrated hopes
and broken dreams. Everything was cheap, cut-rate.
Even the prostitutes were having a sale. There was no problem finding Hastings.
He owed money to every bartender. He was staying at the Hotel Ward on
th Street. It used to be on th Street, ... ...but they took so many rubber cheques,
it bounced all the way across town. I went to his room and knocked. - Hastings? Sam Hastings?
- Who is it? My name is Reardon.
I... have a proposition for ya. But not today. Does it have to be today? - Yeah.
- Come on Monday. - I got that money for ya.
- What money? There's a dollar bill
hidden in your sugar bowl. I'll give you five bucks for it. - You could buy a lotta booze with that.
- Just a minute. Look in the top. It fits perfectly.
Most of the names are illegible, ... ...but I can work out
Kitty Collins and Swede Anderson. But what does "F C" mean? It's a slang word. When a man and a
woman are in love, the man puts his... No, no. Written here. F- -C. h. Unless I miss my guess,
that stands for "Friends of Carlotta". - I'm impressed.
- You think that's impressive... There I was, standing like a kid
doing corny tricks for her, ... ...driving miles out of my way
just to see her. Why? What are you thinking, Mr Reardon? So long, Dollface. I'll be
in Santa Barbara if you need me. I found out Kitty Collins
was working at the Brentwood Room. The Brentwood Room. Where rich women go to meet rich men
so they can have rich kids. Miss Collins? Kitty wouldn't give me any information
if she thought I was a private eye... Excuse me. I decided to act like
a big-shot movie producer. - My name's Reardon. I make movies.
- How wonderful of you. - You like boxing pictures?
- I'm afraid I've never seen one. I'm casting a big boxing picture at RK .
I'm looking for a singer. You interested? The idea of two men beating
each other to a pulp makes me ill. Well, I'm also doing a religious picture. The Story of Saint... Betty. You know, the... nun who
taught the lepers how to sing. - How wonderful of you.
- Thanks. John Hay Forrest said
you were a friend of Carlotta's. Will you excuse me? I must have hit a nerve.
She went white as a ghost. The next day I tailed Kitty Collins
to a fancy restaurant. Midway through the meal, she noticed
me and did a pretty strange thing. She took off her brooch and ditched it. I had a pretty good idea where. Hold it, pal. I'm from
the health department. We have a report that your soup
has too much jewellery in it. "E C." Enemies of Carlotta. The only name on the list that
wasn't crossed out was Swede Anderson. I decided to drop in on him
before they crossed him out too. Swede wasn't living in luxury. As a matter of fact, for a moment,
I thought he wasn't living at all. Swede? Sorry, Swede. I thought
you'd been murdered. Come on, wake up! Come on, Swede. You need a cup of my java. You're up. Good. The java
will be ready in a minute. This is never gonna heal. (sucking) Anyway, my guess is by now Kitty
Collins is a million miles from here. Do you think Swede was killed by
the same man who murdered my father? Hold it, Dollface. No one's proved
your father's been murdered... ...yet. But you may be right about
this being a conspiracy. It's big. Maybe too big
for me to handle alone. Get me a cup of java, will ya? (rings) - Yeah?
- Hello, Marlowe? - h, hello, Bernie.
- No, it's me, Rigby. What's up? I'm on an important case. I need
your help. How soon can you get here? - I haven't had breakfast.
- Breakfast? You're late for lunch, pal. - It's two o'clock.
- Two o'clock? Hustle on over here.
I'll make you a cup of my famous java. - I'd rather buy my own.
- Suit yourself. See ya in a half-hour. And Marlowe. Wear a tie, for God's sake. What's that? I found it in Daddy's desk. It looks like a key to one of
those lockers at the train station. Number's been filed off.
What's it say on that envelope? "Most recent rat." - Very clever.
- You understand what it means? Just a hunch. You know the Chinese
have a different animal for every year? - Yes.
- Unless I miss my guess, ... ...the most recent
Year of the Rat was . This is the key to locker number . - You're a very smart man.
- So was Abraham Lincoln. Look what happened to him.
Smart can get you killed. I hope not. Sometimes I feel I would like to... You'd like to what? Kiss me? Yeah, that would be nice. It would give me a chance to tell her
I was starting to feel something for her. Something warm and squishy. But a man in my business can't
take on a wife, have a bunch of kids. - We wouldn't have to have kids.
- What? Look, this is getting us nowhere. But thanks anyway. You'd better go now. Marlowe's
coming over here to talk. If you need me, just call. You know how to dial, don't you? You just put your finger in the hole,
and make tiny little circles. (knocking) Come on in. It's open. Hello, Marlowe. Dammit. You didn't do what I told ya. I hate that dumb way of wearing
your shirt buttoned with no tie. Let me get you a tie. Here. This one's blue,
but you can wear it with brown. - You annoy me.
- I annoy you? You come in here with no tie...
Are you drunk? - How many have you had?
- ne martini. - I knew I was gonna see you.
- Sit down. Here's what I want you to do. Here's a list of names I found in a
bowl of soup. Don't ask me to explain. I think they're all dead.
I want you to check 'em out. And Marlowe? Put this on
for me, huh? As a favour. It's a clip-on. I put Marlowe to work checking Kitty's
list against recent unsolved murders... ...while I yellow-cabbed it
to the station... see how Dr Forrest's key
would fit into the puzzle. I sashayed over to locker number . The key fit like a glove.
As I opened the locker, ... ...I noticed a handsome guy
in a grey pinstripe watching me. It seemed I wasn't the only one who was
interested in the contents of that locker. Inside were two long lists of
Carlotta's friends and enemies. The first name that jumped out
was FX Huberman, ... ...number Bay Court Drive,
Grunion Point. I decided to take a little train ride
and visit Mr Huberman. I knew "Handsome" would follow me,
so to throw him off... ...I cleverly ducked into
the men's room and lost him. There was no way he could follow me
unless I had toilet paper on my shoe. Damn! It wasn't really toilet paper,
it was a seat cover, ... ...but it was enough for
a smart guy to make the connection. As soon as we went into a tunnel, ... ...Handsome popped in and started
looking for a match... in my pockets. - (Handsome) h! Was that your leg?
- (Rigby) No, it was my face. I had no idea we were
going into a tunnel. (Rigby) I'm sure. I thought the compartment was empty. Yeah, right. Uh-huh, sure. - I'm so sorry. I hope I didn't hurt you.
- It's all right. To what do I owe
the pleasure of your company? The man in the next compartment's
smoking a vile cigar. I had to come in here.
You don't smoke, do you? - No, I have tuberculosis.
- h, thank heavens for that. After last night,
my head couldn't stand it. I didn't want him to know where I was
going so I decided to put him away fast. I always carry my harmonica. It's lighter than an accordion,
and more powerful than a sleeping pill. (plays soothingly) I left him napping like a baby
when I ducked out at Grunion Point. Here's three bucks if you can get
this cab to Bay Court in ten minutes. Follow that cab! It was a pretty clever thing I did. By taking the only two cabs, I made
sure Handsome couldn't follow me. When I arrived at Mr Huberman's,
I was surprised. Mr Huberman turned out to be
a sexy dame who was throwing a party. She didn't even ask me what I wanted,
just made me feel real welcome. How about you, handsome?
Haven't I seen you somewhere before? Maybe. I've been somewhere before. It's nice of you to invite me.
I feel a little like a party crasher. I like party crashers. I like classy dames with bedroom eyes. You know something? I like you. I like me too. When these people leave, maybe...
you and I can have a party of our own. h, I... I have to think that over. She was a fast thinker. I'm very sorry. You all have to go.
It has been a perfectly hideous party. - Good night.
- (man) Good night. Stuffy in here, isn't it? Suddenly I realised
she'd slipped me a Mickey. My lips felt like two manhole covers.
My tongue felt like it had hair on it. My ears started to ring. I felt like a dog. Woof! Woof, Huberman, woof! Come on. Let's go out dancin'. You put on your black dress,
and I'll go shave my tongue. (humming) # Barbasol, Barbasol # No brush, no lather, no rub-in # Wet your razor then begin # Barbasol, Barbasol # ompah, oompah, oompah, oompah Come on, FX. I'm ready! Let's go dancing. Hold it! Sorry, Dollface. - How did you get here?
- Your door was open, so I walked in. - I've been trying to call you all night.
- How did I get here? - I guess you must have crawled.
- h, God! - h, no, that's K.
- It's just a little alcohol. - They don't hurt.
- Don't be a baby. Get back! What's up? Sam Hastings is dead. Poor rummy. How did he get it? Fell out of a window
reaching for a bottle of whisky. He could have been pushed. I'll have
Marlowe check his back for fingerprints. - Anything else?
- Yes. I found another note
Daddy wrote to himself. "NYTAG- ." I think it's a New York
licence plate number. Not bad, Dollface.
Unless I'm... hh! Agh! Careful. Let me get you some alcohol. No! It's not N-Y TAG. It's N-Y-T. New York Times. So what's "A-G"? - Standard library talk for August.
- And ? Stands for the August nd issue,
page one, column six. Extension please. Hi. It's me, Rigby. Sorry, Hot Legs, I've been busy. You sashay over to
your New York Times file, ... me what's on page one,
column six of the August nd issue, ... ...maybe I'll wine and dine you
some night soon. I'll wait. You'd wine and dine her for information? Her? Him. Yeah... Then read me the whole article. "Immer Essen". Walter Neff's the owner. Thanks, Hot Legs. I owe you a big one. Immer essen. Immer essen.
That means "always eating". - What language?
- German. It's also the name of
a South American cruise ship. I know! When Sam Hastings
and my sister separated last July, ... ...he took a South American tour
on that ship. Very interesting. Right after that tour,
the company cancelled its cruises. Now Sam Hastings is dead. - I don't see the connection.
- I don't either. That's what bothers me. - (phone rings)
- Hello? - Who is it?
- This is Marlowe. h, hello, Mr Marlowe.
Would you hold a moment, please? - It's Marlowe.
- Good. Hello, Marlowe. Listen, don't check out
those unsolved murders right now. Yeah? Why not? I got something more important. You
ever had any dealings with Walter Neff? Walter Neff. He runs
a South American cruise-ship company. Good. Tell me about him. Cruises supermarkets
looking for blondes? Good. I'll supply the blonde. ne other thing. If Walter Neff leaves the country,
I may have to take a little boat ride. If I do, stay off the booze. These
people we're dealing with are killers. Well, thanks for telling me.
Have a nice trip. I may not leave right away,
but thanks anyway. And Marlowe? - You wearin' a tie?
- Goodbye. - What was that all about?
- Marlowe knows Neff. Says he's a pushover
for beautiful blondes. It means we need a female spy. Why not use me? Sorry. You're not blonde enough. - I can always dye my hair.
- No dice, Dollface. You're a client. That's one thing I've learned about
clients. Dead ones don't pay their bills. Is that all you think of me? Someone who pays you $ a day? That's right, Dollface.
To me you're just a meal ticket. How could I tell her that I was lying? I'd work for nothing just to watch
her hair bounce as she walked, ... ...smell her creamy skin,
cradle her head on my shoulder. Feel the slope of her waist,
the curve of her back, ... ...and then gently caress
her two beautiful... I'm sorry. I just don't like
being called a meal ticket. As I started my search for a blonde spy,
I tried to get rid of the image of Juliet... ...storming out of my office
with toothpaste on her shoes. First on my list was Monica Stillpond,
a bombshell who once told me... ...she would do anything
for anybody anywhere at any time. (man) But muscle gave me
my start in politics. It was when I was assistant
to old man Zimmerman, the plumber. - (woman) Mr Madvig, you're joking.
- About the plumbing, or the muscle? I just can't imagine you as a plumber. She was in the middle
of a fancy dinner party. But I couldn't waste time being polite.
I caught her attention. Coffee will be served
in the living room, Mr Madvig. One thing about Monica. : the words
"I can't" weren't in her vocabulary. Monica, I want you
to do something for me. I can't. I guess she had added them
since the last time I'd seen her. The next one on my list was
Doris Devermont, an old flame of mine. With her I'd had the most honest
relationship I'd ever had with a woman. The only thing I'd lied about was my
name. I'd told her I was Teddy Novak... she couldn't track me down
if I got her pregnant. Doris remembered me, naturally. How do you do, Mr Novak? Mr Novak? No hugs, no kisses? We used
to flop into each other's arms, Doris. Well, don't you think we really ought to
get to know each other all over again? It's only been five years. You were about
to serve me dinner when I had to leave. How stupid of me.
You must be famished. I should have thought of it sooner.
I'll get some coffee and sandwiches. Coffee and sandwiches. Now I remembered Doris's
famous stale-bread sandwiches. She'd buy day-old bread, then toast it
to cover up. I wonder if she's changed. The bread's none too fresh.
Shall I toast it? No, thanks.
I gave up stale toast for Lent. - Lent?
- Nothing. Same old Doris. She used to get smoked turkey
so it would keep for months. When it finally went bad,
she'd feed it to the maid. I had some smoked turkey. I guess
the cleaning woman had it for her lunch. h, here's some pâté. Cleaning woman. Cleaning woman. Cleaning woman! Cleaning woman! Cleaning woman! Cleaning woman! Cleaning woman! Sorry. I was too embarrassed to ask Doris for
a favour after I'd tried to strangle her, ... I went to the next name
in my little black book. The blondest one on my list was a rich
society dame named Jimmi Sue Altfeld. I almost hated to use her-she was so
in love with me, it nearly made me sick. But business was more important. I wined her and dined her
at the Plantation Club. Then I made my move. Last time we saw each other, I left you
alone sitting at a counter at Schwab's. - You don't hate me for that, do you?
- f course I don't. Good... I'd like to discuss something with you. - Where to?
- Take me home. There was no way I was gonna
take her home. Her father hated me. So I told her to meet me at a motel and
I'd show her something with my hands. (knocking) Come in. Well, Jimmi Sue, you ready? What are we going to do? Kinsey from cover to cover. Has anyone ever told you that your lips
are like two succulent Brussels sprouts... ...waiting to be buttered and bitten?
- Plenty of men have. Really? Have these men ever told you... ...that your eyes are like Chinese coins
with dollops of caviar in the centre? Can't you see how happy
you and I would be here? Yes, I do. But I want you to come
back to the city with me first. I'm working on an important case. It's
dangerous, and you'll probably be killed. - But if you love me, you'll do it.
- Yes, I do love you. And I love you. And I mean that more
than anything I've ever said in my life. I rented an apartment and started giving
Jimmi instructions on how to pump Neff. She took direction
like a pig takes to garbage. Here's a picture of our Mr Neff. Do, uh, whatever you have to... find out what happened
on the Immer Essen. Your father threatened to have me
beat up if I continue to see ya. Thought I'd drop over there tomorrow
with a little peace offering. What could I take that'd soften him up? He never had a dog when he was a boy. Never had a dog, huh? Mr Altfeld? (whimpers) Totally house-broken. His name is... Ramon. He's yours. Get out, thief! I'm not stealing your daughter. I'm just
borrowing her for an important case. Don't go near my daughter. Don't try
to see her. Don't write and don't phone. Can I use her underwear to make soup? - Get out!
- Mr Altfeld, ... helping me,
your daughter's life is in danger. But she may save hundreds of lives.
You wouldn't stand in the way of that. Why certainly I would! I'd frame you or kill you...
if it would protect my daughter. And I brought you a puppy,
something you never had as a boy. Now get out! Come on, Ramon. You don't deserve a puppy. Wait! Pick that up. - But it's all soft and steamy.
- Pick that up! You're a sick man, Altfeld. You can make me pick up dog dirt,
but you can't stop me seeing Jimmi Sue. - You want a puppy?
- I'd love a dog. Thank you. - Here's something for you, too.
- h, thank you. (secretary) Eugh! Well, Larry, Moe and Curly. Thanks, Dan. Not a nice way to treat
a friend of Mr Altfeld's daughter. There's only one way to treat you. You got some
pretty smart monkeys here. I notice this one's wearing
a Phi Beta Kappa key here. (unzips his flies) - w!
- Your move. I'm gonna have some sense
beaten into you. What's he payin' you boys? I'll double it
and we'll beat the shit outta him. All right, Dan. Rigby? Rigby? Rigby? Juliet! Those dirty bastards!
Beating up a woman. They even knocked
your breasts out of whack. Rigby? Juliet... Are you all right? h! Yes, I'm fine. - You look awful.
- It's all in a day's work. No, Rigby. It's not worth it. - I want you to quit.
- Why? Because I've been roughed up? You've also been shot and drugged, ... ...and probably had to go to bed
with women you didn't know. You're just upset
about me interviewing blondes. You can forget about it. I've decided to get
the information myself. How? By disguising myself
as a beautiful blonde. - Do I look like a dame?
- Not as much as I do. - I haven't turned on the charm yet.
- Rigby, I wish you'd let me go instead. Have Neff try and feel you up?
No chance, Dollface. h. You don't want
Mr Neff to feel me up? That doesn't mean you're beginning
to... care for me, does it? I don't want
any of my clients felt up. I'm late. Neff cruises supermarkets
every Thursday looking for blondes. If I'm half the woman I think I am, ... ...l'll have a date with Neff by tonight. Good luck. Neff's favourite hunting ground
was Jerry's Market on Melrose. I spotted him right away and
sidled down the aisle opposite him. I was wearing a special perfume
called "Fondle Me". Its aroma drew Neff to me
like fat to a mother-in-law. He was a ladies' man, all right.
He made me feel beautiful, alive. He asked me up to his place,
and I didn't play hard to get. All right. On his home ground, Neff was
more aggressive and I played along. - I'm crazy about you, baby.
- I'm crazy about you too, Walter. That perfume. What's the name of it? "Fondle Me". Silly! That's the name of the perfume. - I feel like a drink.
- All I've got is bourbon. I'll make the drinks. Sit over there. I wanted to knock him out fast. I slipped
him milligrams of Aphrodisiamil... ...and hoped it would take effect
before he tried to pick my lock. (snoring) Sorry, Walter. That's as far
as I go on a first date. I didn't know what I was looking for,
but what I found was dynamite. The passenger list of
the Immer Essen's final cruise. It was the same as
the Carlotta "Enemies" list. (grunts) One name rang a bell. Cody Jarrett,
captain of the Immer Essen. I went to the public library and looked
up everything I could on Captain Jarrett. "Framed Because He Knew Too Much." "But He Refuses to Divulge What
He Knew to Anyone but His Mother." I hoped to find out why the passengers
on the Immer Essen's final cruise... ...were being knocked off one by one. They all must have
seen something. But what? What do you think? I think you enjoy
dressing up as a woman. Jarrett's mother's
the only visitor he'll talk to. And I think I look enough like her
to get a gift on Mother's Day. Rigby, wait! Don't... don't call me Rigby. I'm worried.
Since you were beaten up, ... ...l've had nightmares about
something awful happening to you. I care about you, Rigby. What? I care about you. What's the matter? You. You're the matter. Did... did I... do something wrong? Yeah. You crept into my gut. You've got me thinking silly thoughts,
like... hanging up my gun for good. Becoming a one-woman guy. Settling down in
an ivy-covered cottage, ... ...raking leaves out of the backyard, ... ...squeezing orange juice
for you in the morning. You'd do that for me? - Yeah, I would.
- h, Rigby. Cody Jarrett's mother. Hello, Ma. My name is Reardon.
I have important news for you. So just pretend I'm your ma, K? The paper said you were hit in the head
by a flying wrench in the machine shop. Friends of Carlotta are
after you because you know too much. - I see what you mean.
- So the flying wrench was no accident. For a minute I thought it was. Something like that
may happen again, so... The guard looks suspicious.
Act like I'm your ma. - Sure.
- Pretend I'm crying. You comfort me. Relax, Ma. Say something like, uh,
"No, no, Ma. Look, listen to me." No, no, Ma. Look, listen to me. That was good. Real good. Look, as long as the other
prisoners can get to you, ...'re not safe.
But don't worry, I have a plan. I contacted Warden Dudley,
who owed me a favour. I asked him to let me pose as a prisoner
so I could keep an eye on Jarrett, ... ...maybe learn something about Carlotta. I learned fast. Jarrett had
a prison break planned that very night. I was invited along... at gunpoint.
When they stuffed me in the trunk, ... ...I realised he was a friend
of Carlotta, and I was their enemy. Ryley, you get in the front.
And you, you drive. I bounced along in that trunk
a long time. Five hours later, I had given up hope of
ever going to a regular bathroom again. I decided to have a little chat
with Captain Jarrett. (Rigby) Hey, Cody! - How ya doin', partner?
- I can't breathe. h. Stuffy, huh? - I'll give you a little air.
- Thanks. Her lips were warm, and my arm wasn't
the only thing that was throbbing. Our hearts were, too. My plan was to kiss her
with every lip on my face, ... ...then slowly move her to the next room,
manoeuvre her next to the bed, ... ...marry her, and start
the whoopee machine. My plan was working fine until... Agh! You stuck your finger
in my bullet hole. - Sorry, Rigby.
- I'll be all right. Why don't you lie down? I'll go to the drugstore
and get you something for your arm. It's raining too hard.
Call a cab. Hurry back. I feel like kissing somebody. Don't start without me. (thunder) - (rings)
- Hello? - It's me, Margaret.
- Who? - Margaret.
- Margaret? Margaret Croyden. Margaret Croyden? I don't believe it! - I don't believe you'd call me.
- I'd have called sooner... - You shouldn't call at all.
- It's so quiet here. h, Victor's gone
for the weekend, huh? Sorry. Not interested. Because I'm in love. Yeah, really in love. A few days ago I said something
to a woman I thought I'd never say. I actually said "I want to settle down
in an ivy-covered cottage with you, ... ...rake leaves out of the backyard, ... ...squeeze orange juice
for you in the morning. " (Margaret) I spoke to Victor.
He'll give me the divorce. I'll tell you what. Come down
tomorrow. We'll drive back together. (Rigby) Wonderful! I can't wait to
come bouncing back into your life again. No dice, Margaret.
Call me in another years. All right, darling. (phone rings) - Hello?
- (Juliet) Mr Reardon, ... ...I have decided to close this case
as of this moment. A cheque will be in the mail
for you tomorrow. Please do not try to contact me
as I will be out of town for some time. Juliet, has someone
got a gun to your head? Juliet! A half-bottle of bourbon later
I still couldn't believe it. Was Juliet crazy like her sister? Had she fallen in love with the cab
driver on the way to the drugstore? Or was she a member of the Carlotta
conspiracy and had set me up? Finally, I arrived at
a very important conclusion. Shit on her! All dames are alike. They reach down your throat,
grab your heart... and pull it out. They throw it on the floor... and
they step on it with their high heels. They spit on it, shove it in the oven,
then cook the shit out of it. They slice it into little pieces,
slam it on a hunk of toast... ...and they serve it to ya. They expect you to say
"Thanks, honey, it's delicious." Well, it's not delicious, Juliet Forrest. It's rotten. I don't give a damn
if I ever hear from you again. (phone rings) - Juliet?
- This is Alan. Alan? - Come on, Marlowe, no games.
- I never could fool you, could I? No. Listen, Marlowe. Juliet left me, and... ...I feel like I've been hit
with a wet frying pan. How the hell do you pick up the pieces? I'm beginning to realise it's better
to have something to look forward to. "Look forward to." Like what? Work? I can't get a break on this case. I don't even know who the hell
this Carlotta dame is. Can you get a map of South America? - Yeah. You got something?
- Look up Peru. Got it! There's a little town
on the coast called Paita. Tell me where it is. It's right next to
a tiny little island called... You son of a gun! Carlotta! Damn! It's not a woman's name. It's a place. - Thanks, Marlowe. I owe ya.
- Good. I'm leaving for Carlotta right now. Even if Juliet's gone,
I'm gonna solve this case... matter how many killers are
involved, even if Juliet's one of 'em. Any idea where in Carlotta
I should start looking? There's a little café right on the bay. When I arrived, I thought of the words
Marlowe had said to me years ago. : "Dead men don't wear plaid. " Huh! Dead men don't wear plaid. I still don't know what it means. Carlotta was the kind of town where
they spell trouble t-r-u-b-i-l, ... ...and if you try to
correct them, they kill you. (applause) I knew Marlowe had steered me right. There was Kitty Collins, the girl
who ditched me in Santa Barbara. Señor Reardon. Manuel Alesandro. Not quite. Carlos Rodriguez. - Carlos Rodriguez?
- Sí. Before the war...
we ran guns to the rebels. h, yeah. You're a cop. Sí, sí, sí. I have joined the establishment. That's good, Carlos. I'm here on an
investigation. Maybe you can help me. There is much to investigate in Carlotta. The whole island is like a powder keg. There is much tension, the...
the smell of something rotten. That's what I'm here for.
To find out what it is that smells. Psst! Be careful of the, uh,
fat one who sweats a lot. What about Kitty Collins? She doesn't sweat as much,
but she's just as dangerous. # What you want # Everybody wants They say she is one of them. Who is..."them"? Nobody knows.
nly they know who is "them". But there is a man.
His name is Arroz. Rice. Kitty Collins is in love with him. He is a killer. - Rice, huh?
- Uh-huh. - Thanks, Carlos.
- De nada, señor. - Where are you staying?
- Hotel Guano. Ha! I'll be in touch. Cuidado, Señor Reardon. Cuidado, Carlos... Cuidado. I wanted Kitty Collins
to tell "them" I was in town, ... I tossed a five-pesetaria coin
into the bowl. The clank was loud enough
to make her look my way. That five-pesetaria coin was
the best investment I ever made. The next day, I hooked a big fish. :
a fat one who sweats a lot. - Señor?
- Nothing alcoholic. h, a beer, maybe. Sí, señor. Hard liquor goes to my feet. - (coins clatter)
- Just a minute, Mr Rigby. We know who you are, Mr Rigby. I'm interested. Who am I? You could be a guy
who collects $ ... ...just to leave this stinkin' town. - I could, could I?
- You know who I could be? Hunchback of Notre Dame? I could be the guy
who hands ya... them $ . $ . Me to you... just like that. Sorry. My price for leaving
stinking towns is ... ...and a kiss on the lips
from Carmen Miranda. Pass it on to "them". Room . Room señora. Come in. Right on time, Kitty. Been expecting ya. Thought you'd come last night. - I wasn't thinking too well last night.
- Keep talking. You see, I just
found out something, Rigby. Who you are, what you do,
and why you're in Carlotta. I'm here to bust up your game. I don't get it. A class girl like you
in love with a killer like Rice. Who... what... why? When you love someone, ... ...I guess it doesn't make
any difference who, what or why. You go right on loving them. Yeah, you do, don't ya? - I feel as if...
- (phone rings) Make me another drink, will you, baby? Hello? - What's up, amigo?
- Plenty. A plane arrived today, and
all the passengers spoke German. - German?
- Mm-hm. Our friend Rice was there. They gave him a packet.
It was marked today's date, ... ...and "Final Instructions".
- How do you know? I was hired to protect Rice until he
gets on that plane with Kitty Collins... ...tonight after the Carlotta Festival. Why are you telling me this? Because the lives of
millions of innocent p... Carlos? Carlos! Carlos! Damn. Where are you and Rice headed tonight? What do you know about
a plane with Germermans on it? Germerm... Germans. Germermans. There's a plane with mermans on it. The plane's in town. Ethel Merman came in on it. Wanna go see Ethel Merman with me? I'll buy two tickets. Let me get on my pyjamas,
I'll be ready to go. I'd done some brilliant things
in my time. Asking Kitty Collins to mix me
a drink wasn't one of them. When I came to, I could make out
only light and shadow at first. Then I saw an unfamiliar face.
But even in my stupor, ... ...I knew he was one of the big fish
in the conspiracy. : Rice! Well, I believe
that about winds things up. - I'm gonna wind you up on a rope.
- But you're the one who's gonna die. Better make it look good. If anything
fishy happens to me, the FBI... It'll look very natural. People who know Rigby Reardon
know I'd never die a natural death. Do you think
I'd leave you around to talk?! You've already talked too much! (muffled shouting) Hold it, Rice! You're not getting on that plane
tonight. I want those papers. I'm gonna walk out of this room.
You won't shoot. I won't? That was a warning shot, Rice. And I
don't fire as many of 'em as I used to. Rigby! Señor! - I heard shots.
- I'm all right. - Rice went that way.
- Come on, Carlos! Are you wearing pyjamas?
Señor, I'll help you take them off. I don't need help
with my pyjamas! Stop! - Sí.
- Carlos! Sí. Don't worry about your pyjamas,
señor. I'll take care of them. (Carlos) ut of the way!
We are chasing a killer! Everybody stand back! He's with me. Coming through! Señor! Cuidado, señor. Cuidado! - (Carlos) Stand back!
- (Rigby) Cuidado! Señor! Your pyjamas! Forget the pyjamas! - Are you all right?
- It's just a bullet. My wife Carmelita
will suck it out. Go ahead, señor. And don't worry about your pyjamas.
I'll take care of them! "Final Instructions". So that's their game. "Rasmussen Place". The last thing I expected to see
was Juliet and her father, alive, ... ...talking with their butler,
who was dressed in a Nazi uniform. Yeah. That explained a lot. Why Juliet was able
to translate German, for one thing. I'd been played for a sucker. But it wasn't too late
to set things straight. Yaaah! K, hands in the air.
ver on the steps. Let's go! It's time for a class picture.
Tall ones in back, short ones in front. Now sit! Hold hands. Now smile. - That's nice.
- Rigby... Hold it! Stay where you are,
you dirty, lying Nazi scum. Rigby! I should have known. I fell for
a dame who played me for a sucker. No, Mr Reardon. She did not
play you for a sucker. I did. Pretending to be a butler, waiting
on inferior races was galling to me. - But I fooled everyone.
- You see, Rigby? I didn't betray you. - How did you know to come here?
- Marlowe told me. That's how I found Daddy.
I smelled his cheese moulds. I am sorry to interrupt
such a tender scene, ... ...but we have a plan to carry out now. - Who are you really, kraut?
- Field Marshal Wilfred von Kluck. - At your service.
- Von Kluck? Former chief of Hitler's
Special Secret Weapons Corps. I'm flattered. How did you know? I figured out
your whole stinking scheme. How you duped Dr Forrest into helping
you. How you flew in your agents! The finest officers in the Führer's army. - Former army.
- For the moment. But we shall rise again. - We'll see about that.
- How did they use Daddy? Bullet-head here found out your father
had developed a cheese mould... powerful it could decompose
rocks, trees and mountains. He devised a plan to dissolve
the entire United States. At first your father gave
this swine information because... Please, Mr Reardon.
Allow me to tell the story. - Your father went along...
- Mr Reardon. It is customary in these situations for
the developer of the plan to describe it. I beg your pardon. It's customary for the
private eye to tell how he figured it out. No, it is my right! We were able to dupe Dr Forrest by
posing as a humanitarian organisation... ...who planned to wipe out hunger
by ageing cheese faster. - When he saw what they were doing...
- He assembled lists of our agents... - And seemed about to go to the FBI...
- We had to drug him and bring him... Here, faking his death
so there'd be no investigation... But while testing the mould
on a small island nearby... The Immer Essen passed by. Some of
the passengers saw the island dissolve... They were therefore labelled "enemies". We had Neff cancel
all further tours, and our... ...friends systematically began to
eliminate everyone on that cruise ship! - Schweinehund!
- Jerk! Now... ...we are ready.
ur agents have just returned... ...after planting cheese bombs
throughout America. With America destroyed,
we will win the next war. And the one after that, too! When these switches are thrown, your
meddling country will disintegrate... a mouldy hunk of Liederkranz! Hold the mould, Kluck. Those switches
aren't going to be thrown. Und I think they will be. Halt ihn! Good... good. I'm sorry to prevent
your becoming a hero, Herr Reardon. Actually, it is too bad
you and I are on opposite sides. I admire your tenacity.
Under different circumstances, ... ...I might have even allowed you to live,
perhaps as my, uh... valet, or butler. And what would you have me
become, Herr Field Marshal? - What?
- I said... ...what position could I hold
in your "New rder"? Juliet! What are you saying?
He's a Nazi! Don't beg a Nazi! Would I be your... Reinemachefrau? Ja, you could, uh... you could be that. - What is that? What is it?!
- (Juliet) Tell him. - Reinemachefrau.
- Rrrreinemachefrau. It means she could be
my... cleaning woman. Cleaning woman! All right, join your pals.
Let's go! Move it! Great work, Juliet.
Go find Carlos Rodriguez for me. All right. Your having that gun
won't stop us, Herr Reardon. We are a dedicated people,
willing to sacrifice ourselves! There are only six bullets
in that gun. There are nine of us. Thus at least three will survive
to throw those switches. K. But who's going to win the lottery... ...and who's going to lose? Cowards! Fools! I'll do it myself! Sorry, pal. You're through. Not... quite. At least... we got... ...Terre Haute, India... na. Damn! They were just about
to get a public library. Carlos, lock these creeps up. With pleasure! K, creeps. Vámonos! Let's go! Schweinehunds! Pig dogs! I pity the Devil the day
you boys start arriving in bunches. Señor Reardon, when will
you be leaving Carlotta? - Next plane out, Carlos.
- Aha! That gives me four hours
to wash and press your pyjamas. No, thanks, Carlos. I don't think I'll be
needing my pyjamas any more. What a guy! What are you... doing? Adjusting your willie. When you fell through the window,
it shifted out of whack. - Thanks.
- You're welcome. I hadn't had my willie
adjusted like that in a long time, ... ...especially without having to beg. So there it was-the Carlotta mystery, ... ...all wrapped up in a neat little bundle. As I stood there kissing Juliet, I thought
of nothing but hanging up my gun... ...and spending the rest of my days
in that ivy-covered cottage. Little did I realise
that less than a year later, ... ...she and I would have
an even more exciting adventure, ... ...which is coming soon
to your neighbourhood theatre, ... ...with a possible nude scene by Juliet.
Special help by SergeiK