Voila! Finally, the Delicatessen
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Jean-Pierre Jeunet
and Marc Caro movie
. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Delicatessen. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
- 950 grams. Nice and juicy. - That's a shoulder piece, isn't it?
The Kube brothers get what they always get. Tell me about it!
- How much do we owe you? - Two sacks.
Oh, it's Mr lnterligator. How's the wife?
She's doing poorly.
- Roger, your shawl. - But I've got my shawl.
So she tried to commit suicide again?
By some miracle, she's alive.
Butcher, I think...
- you're getting a customer. - Who's next?
- That for me? - At your service.
Put it on my bill.
We all know where she keeps her bill.
OK, you're next.
That damn carburettor. This has happened before.
That'll cost you... Iet's see... the ride plus the luggage...
How are you paying?
- In lentils? - That's all I have left.
Listen, I'd settle for those shoes.
- We're closed for the day. - I didn't come about that.
I don't eat meat anyway.
- I came about the ad. - What ad?
- The ad in the paper. - What paper?
"Light maintenance jobs. Odd jobs. Room and board."
"Room facing south."
I do have the right address, don't l? Number 129a?
Whether here or there, this is nowhere.
That way we don't get hassled by the neighbours.
Nor by any visitors.
I must have made a mistake.
Not so fast. You're looking for a job, right?
Come over here.
- Turn around. - Pardon me?
How much do you weigh?
63 or 64 kilos. Why?
You're not exactly hefty. The job I've got takes muscle.
- Don't worry about that. - I'm a butcher.
I'm straight with people. So I'd say you haven't got what it takes.
You don't have the body structure, the right breadth.
Nonetheless I'll give you a try.
But you'll have to bust your ass.
I'd call that a stroke of luck.
- Thanks. - Come on, let's go.
So what exactly does the job entail?
Light maintenance jobs. Odd jobs. Room and board. Room facing south.
- Just like in the ad? - What do you know? Like in the ad.
Hey, watch it. One ofthe steps is loose. You'll have to fix that.
And do all the painting, cleaning, the electricity. The whole shebang.
You'll like it here, you'll see.
And there aren't any neighbours opposite. The key is on this nail.
Well, I'll let you get settled in.
- How are things in town? - Terrible. Really terrible.
It's the rationing. They'd eat their shoes. Kind oftouch and go.
- They haven't got any street smarts. - It's a mess. Till things grow back.
Nothing will ever grow back. Ever.
- You're quite the optimist. - Get that through your thick skull.
- Well, is your hair growing back? - No.
You see? It's the same thing.
Couldn't we open that window for five minutes?
I like the smell of glue. It smells like fish. It brings back memories.
What do you think ofthe new guy?
Are you deaf or something?
Still thinking of her, huh?
Apparently she's hearing voices now.
Would it be too much of an effort to put that a bit closer?
She's deaf as a post. This way we always know where she is.
Granny, go back upstairs to your room. There's nothing left. Now go.
You finished? Then don't hang around. Fix the bulb on the 2nd floor.
- Hi, butcher. - Hi, postman.
- Got a parcel for your daughter. - Upstairs.
- Watch the step. - Mind your business.
Grab it, Marcel.
- I've got it. - Throw it over here. Throw it.
Postal Administration. Article 12.
You've got exactly 20 seconds to get back to your flats.
- Move. - You don't have kids to feed.
That applies to kids as well.
Can't you read, moron?
- "Julie Clapet." - He's a friend.
Sign here, Julie.
I call you Julie because I like you. But I don't want to rush you.
See you, Julie.
- Here. For the ad. - Always at your service.
- That new guy is kind ofweird. - He used to be a circus man.
I'm sure this contains some tidbits to eat. That's why they're...
- Would you like to taste them? - Yes. I'd love to.
Shall we say at 7? That'll give me time to get things ready.
- Is he after her? - After who?
Your daughter. She's a cute slip of a thing. She needs someone.
- That someone is me. Is that clear? - Hey, I've got news.
They shot one down two days ago. A superb 30-metre target.
- No bodies? - They cart them away.
Bloody vermin. They even say they eat money.
We've got to get rid ofthem for good, those vegetable-eating queers.
They'll get what's coming to them.
THE ENEMY PLOTS AGAINST US
- Bye, butcher. - Bye, postman.
- Do you think that's it for tonight? - I hope so.
That goddamn butcher, I'm sure he won't do it tonight.
He's taking his time just to make me mad.
- He's obviously succeeded. - What's he waiting for anyway?
Till the new guy tries to escape in a garbage can, too?
- How long did the other guy last us? - A week.
Not counting the broth, that is.
One week. We polished off the last chunk two days ago.
I'm hungry. I'm bloody starving.
I'm fucking starving.
My little Hercule... Every man for himself, and God for all.
- Hi there. It's me. - Hello.
Please, do come in.
- For you. - Thank you.
- Did you paint that? - Yes, it's nothing much.
- No, no... - No problem.
I've made a pot oftea.
- Shall I pour you a cup? - Yes, please.
- I hope you don't find me too bold. - Oh, no. Not at all.
- Why should l? - A girl invites you to her flat.
Some would consider that a bit brazen.
- Well, actually... - And thank you for this morning.
- Why thank you? - You rescued my parcel on the steps.
I was very moved by your concern.
That goes without saying.
No, on the contrary. People usually only think ofthemselves nowadays.
Only because they have nothing. Deep down, they're still good people.
I'm glad to hear they like me. They're very kind.
I'm getting along with your father, too. He thinks I'm a nice guy, right?
- Why not try Kraft cheese spread? - That's new.
- And handy. - They talk to me about you.
- Who? - The voices in my head.
Oh, right. The voices. And what do they say?
Hold on, let me try to remember...
- It's more the language they use. - Do they talk about love?
"Robert's a pervert, an arse wipe, a panty eater." You see?
But that's not true.
Aurore, you're missing something really funny.
At any rate, I have no choice. Here. Tomorrow at 11 sharp.
- Ring me. I'm counting on you. - But...
Move out? What for? I've just moved in.
Because it's pretty awful here. The building is unsanitary.
The walls are falling apart, and it leaks.
- Perhaps you don't like me? - Me?
- You act as ifyou want me to leave. - No, on the contrary. Not at all...
It does that once in a while.
Did I hurt you?
- I'll be all right. - Then it must be the shock.
I'm such a klutz.
I'm blind as a bat. Everything's all foggy.
I could get lost in that fog.
Leave it. I buy two of everything because I break things.
- So you play the cello? - Yes.
I play an instrument as well.
Will you wait for me?
- Oh, shit. Not again. - What are you doing?
- I wanted to draw a bath. - Again?
Well, you sharpen your knives often enough, too.
A musical saw...
- It has a nice sound. - Sit down.
- The doctor and I had an act once. - Doctor?
Livingstone. "Dr Livingstone".
He was my partner.
- But now he's gone. - Where did he go?
He disappeared after a show. We only found his remains.
They'd eaten him.
Can you imagine that? They ate him.
I lost everything that night. So, the first ad I ran across...
- And here I am. - I need to tell you something.
Do you know that tune?
It was his favourite.
Have you noticed how clear the nights have been?
That's normal. We're entering the Virgo age. That's my sign.
- No kidding? - I swear it. My ascendant is Leo.
Cut it out. Not everyone's Gorilla, ascendant Bulldozer.
I'm in luck, there's more in store. "Get ready, the wind's shifting."
You'd like to pack up and leave, right?
You wouldn't get far. It's worse out there, they draw straws.
And it'd be a shame to lose these juicy hams. These little sucklings...
Stop joking around. I don't like it.
You're better off here. At least we have a system.
My ass! Your helpers are drawing straws, too. What about that ad?
You can't change fate.
It's like you said: the wind is shifting.
Everyone's going to get it.
Mr Louison, I shouldn't tell you this, but ..
What happened to your friend... the same thing goes on here.
It takes place at night in the stairwell.
That's why no one ever goes out.
And my father...
SOPORIFIC HERBAL TEA
Hi. I'm here to fix the box springs.
This is an antique. It's seen a lot of use.
- Yes. - What seems to be the problem?
It squeaks. I find it bothersome.
Could you bounce around on it a bit? Just so I can hear?
- I can't see what's wrong. - It squeaks most when there are two.
Let's give it a try.
Just as I thought, it's the 2nd spring to the right.
We are here, Aurore...
to help you.
Freed from life...
come with us, Aurore.
Tranquil and at peace...
COME AT 11 SHARP. RING HARD.
Rotten world ...
That should do it.
- Here. - Thanks.
- What are "Troglodists"? - Outlaws.
- But no one ever sees them. - Just tales to distract the people.
- A typical Capricorn attitude. - Wrong. I'm Aquarius.
- Oh? - A sign ofthe future.
Oh, the future...
It soon becomes history around here.
- It's very easy to miss a step. - Don't worry about me.
You brats, give that back this instant.
Rémi, stop sniggering or I'll give you a whacking.
I'll beat the one with the other, do you hear? Give that back.
Oh, great! How will we get that back now, you guttersnipes?
This is ajob for the Australian.
That's quite a tool.
The Australian is nothing without its master.
Wow, did you see that?
- Tapioca, did you find ajob yet? - No. Nothing yet.
Bad news. You're running up quite a bill. Not to mention the rent.
I'm in a fix at the moment. But I've got something here. Want a look?
Black market? ln these times? You make me sick.
Just take a look.
A rat-call. The female cry. It attract males.
So? There aren't any rats left. What's that?
- This? A bullshit detector. - Oh, yeah?
- Come on, give it a try. - Give what a try?
Start bullshitting. Come on.
- Come on... - I can't do it on command.
Life is wonderful.
Your bullshit detector is shit. Turn that thing off. It's too loud.
Ifyou don't settle your bill soon, you'll find yourself on my hook.
Very funny. What about that clown? lsn't that taking a tad too long?
- Everyone in the building is edgy. - Not before he's redone the ceiling.
And in the meantime, to hell with us, right? I've got mouths to feed.
- Yeah, the granny's, for instance. - For instance... Why bring her up?
- I've got my reasons. - What do you mean by that?
Want to pay up? Give me the granny tonight.
She's one of us. It's against the rules.
The rules, the rules... The age limit is a rule, too.
- She's only good for pâté. - She's my mother-in-law.
- Why not take Mrs lnterligator? - Stop yelling.
- It'd be an act of charity. - Please.
Interligator is fond of his wife. He's a good tenant. He pays.
The bloody rich. They always manage.
You haven't got much choice in view ofyour debts.
Oh, it's you, Julie.
- You gave me a fright. - Counting your money again?
Well, yes. Tell me...
You don't come to see me very often. It's nice ofyou to come.
- Well, did you like your gift? - It must have cost you a bundle.
Well, yes. Anything to make you happy.
- You've loved sweets since you... - But I don't any more.
- Let him go. - You always ask the same thing.
- It's the same old story every time. - No, this time...
This time it's different? True. Just look at you. I know what he's up to.
With his puppy eyes. Making your head spin with his dreams...
- There's no room for dreams. - Stop that.
It's a tough world out there. I didn't make the world.
I know you hate my trade, but it's an art like any other.
- Let him leave this place. - With you? You won't last two weeks.
- I don't want to lose you. - You lost me long ago.
TROGLODISM: AN UNDERGROUND ORGANISATION?
Good evening, old girl. Guess what? Let's play a little game, OK?
I'll scare you, and you'll scream.
That little clown upstairs will rush to your rescue.
Let's begin, OK?
Go for it! Planning to take my picture or what?
Scream, goddamn it.
You came from the N.E. sector to annoy us with your beau's troubles?
- Mr Louison. - I don't know him. No names. No l.D.
- We're at war, girlie. - We're outlaws. He's Rolls.
- Voltange. - Rolan. Tourneur. Milan.
- Trap. - Pank. Fox. Paumeau.
- We watch out for moles. - You could be one.
- I'm not a liar. It's the truth. - You, a surfacer? Talk about truth?
Do you know what this is? Take a close look.
- Your brother Matt's shirt. - Shot down like a rabbit.
- Now that's the truth. - Common game. That's all we are.
- And you're predators. - Not me. I swear.
- You're one ofthem. A carnivore. - What?
Is that the way you rats treat ladies?
- Hey, watch it! - For God's sake!
Oh, my God.
Tell Calamity Jane to smarten up, or all hell will break loose.
- Got it. - A month's harvest is on the floor.
- Plus the risks. - Matt died for that.
Right. Tell her.
There's plenty more in my building. 30 large bags in my dad's cellar.
- What's this guy ofyours look like? - Louison, Rolls...
Yeah, the guy you want us to pick up.
- Can I help you, miss? - No, just an old coffee grinder.
Coffee? Some people have it made.
So you went for a walk last night? A long one at that.
First ruckus, then screams. This building is a madhouse.
Your father may work at night, but this is going too far.
There you are, Julie.
Sorry, I was just rehearsing a new number.
Didn't you hear anything last night?
No, your tea made sure ofthat.
A pot oftea a night, just as you prescribed.
I'll get you some more, you're almost all out.
You should drink some, too. You look exhausted.
- Cheer up, she died a natural death. - Come on, let's go.
But still, I'd have liked to say goodbye.
Why don't we do that right now?
What made you rush out into the stairwell at night anyway?
I did it for Aurore. I wanted to save her.
I'm telling you, she wasn't the one who screamed.
Anyway, here you go.
Still, I did it for her.
The butcher was very decent. He apologised.
Invite you to dinner? I haven't got much.
That's fine. That way we won't feel weighed down.
- At 9 p.m.? - Sharp. I'm always on time.
- Rather unusual for a girl, right? - For a girl, you're rather unusual.
I owe you a lot, you know?
- Did you forgive them... - For Livingstone?
- One must always forgive. - Depends. It's not always possible.
Don't say that. No one is completely evil.
It depends on circumstance. Or they don't realise they've done wrong.
36th sector, 5th division. Squirmer's Avenue.
What did that girl say? The girl!
Sector 3/4, 69° north-east.
Albumin Square. Here. All right, let's go.
Scout to Sauce Master. Heading towards target, 69° north-east.
Sauce Master to Scout. Read you, over and out.
Watch your backsides, guys!
They are the worm...
you are the fruit.
Not again! Darn it!
It seems rather quiet.
Not Father's golf clubs.
Yes, Father's clubs...
- Know who's on TV tonight? - I don't have a TV.
Look, isn't that your customer?
- Shit. - I'm a bit pressed for time.
No offence, but would you permit me to come back later tonight...
to pay my respects to your daughter?
- Danger, we know not. - Audacious, that's us.
Courageous, give me three.
Generous, you, you, you and me.
Scout to Sauce Master. Corn located at site.
I repeat: corn located at site.
Proceeding with reconnaissance mission. Target: Louison.
I repeat: target, Louison.
- Aurore, what's the matter now? - Georges...
Throw in your apron? Now I've heard it all.
I've been thinking about it for a while now. I'm getting older.
I'm losing my touch. And so many victims...
- I feel sorry for them. - Sorry? That's not like you.
No one's entirely evil. It's circumstance.
Or they don't realise they've done wrong.
Some say you have to be able to forgive. Do you forgive me?
An old bastard like you?
- Maybe I could. - You're sweet.
The guys you finished off wouldn't forgive you, though.
- You'd really have to insist on it. - If only Julie could forgive me.
- Have you asked her? - She wouldn't ever.
- But you're her father. - She won't even speak to me.
Want me to go see her? I could explain it all to her.
All she cares about is that Louison. But then, he's not such a bad guy.
By the way, he's on TV tonight. Why don't you go tell him?
I bet he doesn't know. He has his head in the clouds.
- You should really eat something. - Not hungry.
You've been hiding things. You're on TV tonight.
What do you know about that! Livingstone.
The Criekville Casino.
Our Tica Tica Walk was a big hit back then.
Tica Tica what?
- So that's your new number? - I can explain, Julie.
Sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you.
I messed things up again.
- He's got clown shoes. - Mission accomplished.
We'll wait for the others.
Recipe 8: Cordon Bleu to Sniper. Artichoke Heart Soufflé.
- Quiet down. - Artichoke Heart Soufflé.
Preparation: H minus 35 minutes. Then the onions. Simmer the snipers.
Cover them for about 15 minutes. I repeat: for about 15 minutes.
H minus 20 minutes: stir the sauce. I repeat: H minus 20 minutes.
THE STARS OF THE CIRCUS
Julie, I didn't think you'd come.
- Good evening... - I'll have a cup oftea.
- Pardon? - I'll have a cup oftea.
A cup oftea?
I'll have one as well.
Yes, a nice cup oftea.
Aurore, come and watch. It's spellbinding.
- You're wearing... - I found some contact lenses.
...they'll titillate us. Here's Stan and Livingstone.
- You never told me about this. - Julie...
that's Livingstone. Livingstone, Julie.
- I don't believe this. - It's the antenna, Dad.
- What a drag. - It's the antenna.
- Go and fix the wire. - In this storm? No way.
It's the antenna. Because ofthe wind.
It's so much better here, near us...
- What? - Come back.
I can't hear you.
Go back inside, Julie.
To the right.
A bit more.
Yes. OK. Perfect. Perfect!
Leave it the way is. Perfect.
- No more Robert... - I fell.
That pervert who just wants to drag you down into the mire...
down into the sewer, into the sew...
- So it was you all along. - No.
Since when have you been doing this?
- No, I can explain. - You bastard.
It comes from downstairs. You'll hurt your leg, Robert.
You shit. Son of a bitch.
- I fell. - Yes, Aurore.
I wanted to get up on the chair. I fell.
The Troglos. The Troglos are kidnapping someone.
How nice ofyou to make coffee, Julie. Expecting company?
Take your clothes off.
- Julie, hurry. - That lnterligator woman...
blew herself up sky high. Took her husband with her.
Where are you going? Stop them, Robert.
Julie, what are you doing here? Wipe that muck offyour face.
Do you hear me? Go home this instant. And wipe offthat lipstick.
And you, I'll skin you alive. Just you wait. I'll get you yet.
I'll get you.
Just you wait.
- Who goes there? - Snipers.
How did it go? Everything all right? Everybody OK?
Hey, Tourneur, look what I found.
- Yes, but how about the others? - Here they are.
- How did it go? - Easy. Virtually fell into our arms.
And we're all here.
- Where did she come from? - What the hell...
- Shit. - Pank...
is that the guy we were supposed to grab? The target you located?
- Pank, can you explain this to us? - Wasn't that the plan?
"Albumin Square. Name: Louison." That's what it says.
But it also says: "Sex: male. Shoes: that of a clown's."
- Then we'd better check it out. - Sex: male. Male!
- So? What of it? - OK, so tell me, is the sex male?
Not my problem. Our mission was Louison. You got it.
Louison...is the package here male? Yes or no?
I guess we should check it out.
Sorry, Louison, just part of the job.
I must have landed in a loony bin.
I'm sick and tired ofthis bullshit. There's been a mistake, so let me go.
See, guys? Female through and through.
Cordon Bleu calling Onion Snipers. Artichoke Heart here.
I repeat: Artichoke Heart. In immediate danger.
Cordon Bleu calling Onion Snipers.
- Artichoke Heart is in danger. - We'll knock them off like flies.
- Must be cooking up there. - You can count on those weirdos.
- They'll fix your buddy for good. - Should we go?
Of course you're going. All of you.
- Doesn't she ever shut up? - They play rough.
But an agreement is an agreement.
Who's not in? Rap, you're coming with me. Milan, Fox, Tourneur...
- You take the others. Move it. - But what about me?
What about me?
Don't forget about me. What about me?
In case I don't come back.
Give it up, you dimwit. We'll let you go. I swear.
We won't touch you. We'll forget the whole thing, OK?
- My cleavers. All of them. - Right, the cleavers. Kill them off.
- Think you're on a safari, bitch? - That's my wife.
- No men or women, only volunteers. - You got it. Obedient volunteers.
Harm one hair of my daughter's head, and I'll carve you up into pieces.
- So, go get my cleavers. Move it. - On the double.
Where are you?
Where are you?
I don't like this one bit.
It won't be long now. Julie, get out of here.
Yes. It's me they're after.
Don't cry. I'll be all right.
- Don't cry. - It's my contacts.
Julie, there's only one thing left to do.
Go on, push. Push.
- What are you doing? Move your butt. - Can't. I've gained too much weight.
Wait, turn back. Tourneur, wait.
- Shit, Tourneur's been hit. - Tourneur's been hit.
- Hey, postman. Everything OK? - I got one. Come and see.
- These monsters are everywhere. - They've lost one.
They won't be back.
Good ol' Tourneur. Hang in there.
That lead really weighs you down.
- No other damage? - Don't worry. We'll get you out.
You all right?
Come on, push.
Let me through.
- I don't believe this. - Water's running.
What the hell are they doing? Stand back.
What the hell are they up to?
You OK, Marcel? Come on, get up. Get up.
Go on! Go! Go!
Julie, follow me.
Not a minute too soon.
Miss Plusse, you're a dragonfly in mating season. So a toad like me...
Get lost, jerk. I'm in a rush. Let the lady by, will you?
I go from one footbath to another. Shit.
I despise you. I hate you.
This time you're done for, clown.
- Cut the bullshit. - Right. Cut the bullshit.
Now you're going to start singing.
My cleaver, damn it. Hand it over.
- Here, butcher. - You, here?
This is ajob for the Australian.
At any rate, you came at the right time.
- Oh, my God... - Goddamn Troglos.
Bastards. My Julie...
It's all your fault. You'll pay for this.
I've got something stuck in my head, right?
Answer me, sausage head.
You, tell me. I'm not dreaming, am l? I've got something stuck...