Voila! Finally, the Delirious
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the John Candy movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Delirious. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
(* "Delirious" by Prince)* I get delirious* Whenever you're near* Lose all self-control, baby,just can't steer* Wheels get locked in place* Get a stupid look on my face* When it comes to makin' a pass,pretty mama* I just can't win a race* Cos I get delirious* Delirious* Delirious* I get delirious* When you hold my hand* Body gets so weak I can hardly stand(phone rings)(Woman) Good morning.Hermes Cable TV. Can I help you?(Man) I've been waitin'all morning for your guy.He's probably tied up in the field, sir.I'm sure he'll be there soon. Please hold.No, wait! Ohh!(Man) What gives with this?
Look at the time!
What is this? Oh, this is ridiculous.
* I get delirious* Whenever you're near(phone rings)
- (woman) Hermes Cable TV.
- (man) It's me again. He's still not here!I'm sure he's on his way. He's one ofour most reliable men. Please hold.No! Don't put... Ohh!
If you wanna get anything done, you gotta
do it yourself. Come on, you son of... Ow!
(Phone rings)- (Woman) Hermes Cable TV.- (Man) Hello. Hello!- Please hold.- Ohh!- Are you still holding?- I've got somethin' for you to hold, lady...Sir, if this is an obscene phone call,we have ways of tracing it.I want you to trace it.I demand that you trace it!- My address is...- (dialling tone)Aaaarrrgghhh!
Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
*... for a little ride up and down* In and out around your lake* I'm delirious* You, you, you get me delirious* Baby, lay me down* Delirious* The room, the room,the room is spinnin' around* I'm delirious* Delirious* Delirious* Delirious
Where the hell have you been?!
I've been waiting over four hours!
Our cable went down on the West Side.
I've been up to my ass all morning.
- I waited three weeks for an appointment!
- You think I enjoy doin' this to people?
OK, OK, it's not your fault. I'm sorry.
Forget it, OK? There it is right there. OK?
- Sorry. I am.
- What have you got?
- I got a black bar on sometimes on .
- It's probably the connector.
You've been playin' with this,
- No, I haven't.
- Yes, you have.
No, I haven't!
You ain't got nothin' on here.
HBO, Disney, nothin'.
- Just a black bar on sometimes on .
- You want 'em?
I can give 'em to you for, uh... bucks?
Nobody's gotta know.
Yeah. Give me the whole thing. I'll take
the whole package. OK. Set me up.
- Forget it. Just forget it. Don't do it.
I don't want it. They'll catch me.
They will. I know that.
All right. Suit yourself.
- You fixed it! How did you do that?
- It was the connector.
- Pretty good, huh?
Terrific. Oh, yeah.
Give me this. I wanna hear it.
(Beeper on TV)(Woman) Ohh!What's the rush, Paul?Rachel, your father is stillin intensive care, and I am still his doctor.I don't want you to go!But, Rachel, your father could die!We all have to die... sometime.
- Jeez, what a body!
- Laura... is more than a body.
- Laura Claybourne. She plays Rachel.
Sorry. You must really follow this shit.
No. I write this shit.
Yes, Mom, I got the brownies.
And the Mace.
Mom, will you please stop worrying?
Everyone gets mugged here
at least once a week.
Guess what. I'm going up for
a part on your favourite soap.
Beyond Our Dreams. Yes, really!
Oh! Just a minute, operator.
Hang on, Mom.
I'll be right there, Mom!
I'm sorry. I didn't see you.
Here, let me help you up.
- Jeez. I'm sorry.
I am sorry. I-I-I...
- Are those real?
- Ohhh! I don't know what to say...
- Excuse me. I'm on a call.
These things happen, I guess.
I'm terribly sorry. I... I didn't see you.
I didn't see her. I just didn't see her!
Mom, you can't believe what... Oh! Oh!
Where have you been?
You missed the run-through.
Monday's show is two minutes over.
The Sherwoods cut a scene.
Without telling me?! They said we'd
discuss it. They're always doin' this!
- Did you get that refrigerator for Laura?
- Yeah, yeah.
- That should keep her happy for a week.
- Mickey, I know you don't like her,
but she's very sensitive. She's got
more going on than people think.
Is it visible to the naked eye? Jack, when
are you gonna stop kiddin' yourself?
What are you talkin' about? There's
nothin' goin' on between me and Laura.
I know that. But do you?
Mr Sherwood, if you hold one sec...
Don't worry, honey, it's just a reading.
Hm. Not bad.
- Hey, Jack.
- Hi. You got those eight by tens great.
- Are you all right?
- I'm gettin' used to it.
I am really sorry.
Oh, no! What am I gonna do?
I've got an interview in five minutes!
An interview? Oh, for the production
secretary? I'll make sure you get it.
No, I'm not a secretary. I'm an actress.
- What are you up for? The lesbian maid?
- No, Janet Dubois.
You can't be here for Janet.
We're not using Janet. Janet!
Look, I don't know who you are,
but I'm supposed to read for Janet.
- I'm here to see the Sherwoods.
- The Sherwoods?
- I knew it.
We agreed on no Janet!
Now they're bringin' in Janet!
Goin' behind my back again.
I'm the producer.
And you're not gonna get away with it!
Move! Move, move! Come on! Move!
Why is he doing this to me?
What the hell is going on? Why are you
casting Janet? You're always doing this.
Jack, we're just meeting a few actresses.
I mean, we might use Janet down the line.
But we agreed Janet
wasn't interesting. She's dull.
All right. No Janet. Happy?
It's just that we should
discuss these things.
We read your new bible. Some good stuff.
- Oh, thanks.
- And some bad stuff, too.
You got the Hedisons losing all their
money. What kind of bullshit is that?
Arlene, I don't like
the hostility I'm hearing.
People like the Hedisons just the way
they are: Rich, ruthless, glitzy.
I just think the audience'll love
that Rachel has to get a job!
Jack, I thought we already discussed
this whole thing about Rachel.
What whole thing?
Oh, no! Rachel stays in the show.
Listen, boychik, Laura's contract
is coming up. Do you have any idea
how much money those mamzers
at the William Morris office are asking?
She's worth it! Rachel works great
and so does my new bible!
Jack, if you'll excuse me,
part of your new bible works great.
We both love this Jack Gates character,
this Wolf of Wall Street. It's brilliant.
Great character, great.
But forget Rachel! She's out!
We got a good idea. Rachel is horseback
riding with Paul. The horse throws her.
Goodbye, Morris Agency.
- No. Forget it. No.
- Or... or... we can give her a brain tumour.
Wonderful, a brain tumour! What's that,
the third brain tumour this season?
- So what?!
- Jack, it's a long season.
Oh, I don't believe this!
Come on! This sounds like the kinda crap
Arnie Fetterman would come up with!
You're bringin' in Arnie Fetterman,
aren't you? He's gonna rewrite me.
Are we gonna bring in hamburger
when we already have steak on the table?
You'll kill the show! You don't know
what the hell you're doing!
How dare you talk to us like that?
Do you hear the mouth he's opening?!
I'm sorry. I don't like fighting and arguing.
I just feel very strongly about this.
Who cares how you feel?!
This is a television show.
Arlene, he's talking feelings.
We have to listen.
I'll tell you what. You think about Rachel
and we'll think about Rachel. Is that fair?
- I guess.
- So what's with the long face?
We'll work things out.
There's a lot of love in this room, Jack.
We love you. And... we hope you love us.
- Of course I love you. It's just I still...
- We'll talk Monday.
- What about me? Don't you love me?
- I included you in that love.
- He meant you.
- I meant you.
Ceil, get me Arnie Fetterman.
Yeah. Yeah, Arlene, I told you,
I'll work the Janet character into the story.
I'm getting rid of Rachel with
the horseback riding, even as we speak.
Now will ya stop nudging?
Quiet, everybody! Roll cameras.
Billionaire patriarch Carter Hedison,having recently recovered froma brain tumour, battles death once againas his ambitious daughter Rachelplots her next move.Will she marry Dr Paul Kirkwood,or will she learn of his affairwith Nurse Helen Caldwell?Which began, ironically,in the very bed now occupiedby her stricken father.
Well, Paul? How's he doing?
These heart-lung-liver transplants are
almost routine. He'll be as good as new.
That you, Blake? Come over here, son.
Now, you do what Nurse Caldwell
tells you to, Daddy. I'll stop by later.
Blake, I'm so glad you're here.
(Carter coughs and wheezes)
- You look good, Dad.
I don't want Blake
to see my father any more.
If anything happens to the old fool, do you
want Blake taking over the company?
You're playing a dangerous game, Rachel.
They're the only kind worth playing.
- Cut it! Very nice.
- Was that big enough? I can give more.
- No, no, Dennis, that was fine. Thank you.
- Cos I got more!
- Am I good in this?
- Really, really good.
- Feels perfect. I feel very strong.
- No, it was perfect.
- It's strong. It's strong.
- It's not in the lines.
- You've gotta play the moment. That's it.
- You had some wonderful moments.
- I thought it was over between them.
- I think he just got his key back.
- Good scene. Really. Great scene.
- Oh, you think so?
- Oh, yeah. Do you have a minute, Laura?
- For you, always.
Thanks. I was wondering if you read the
new bible. With the Jack Gates character.
- Oh, yes. I love it.
- It's very good.
It works beautifully for the rest of the cast.
Oh, thanks. The rest of the cast?
To be honest, I don't think the audience
will accept Rachel as a working girl.
You said you wanted to do something
with more depth. It'd be good for you.
I hope you're not upset.
You're so... open.
You're the only one I can really talk to.
Oh, come on!
And I can't thank you enough
for the refrigerator.
No problem. Are you kidding?
Jesus H Christ, Laura!
I thought you meant
one of those little office ones.
Is something wrong?
If it's gonna cause a problem...
No! No problem at all!
It's OK. It's a beauty.
When are you gonna buy a computer?
I gotta get outta here.
Traffic's gonna be awful.
God, what is wrong with me?
I found this Nat King Cole
on a farm in Pennsylvania.
There's only two left in the entire world.
What's wrong? Why are you crying?
- (whispers) Laura.
- I'll turn down the lights.
I hate myself for doing this to you,
but I just had a terrible fight with Dennis.
- It's over this time. Can we have dinner?
- I can't.
- What do you mean, you can't?
I can't. I just can't.
I'm goin' to Vermont this weekend.
They're having an auction on old records.
You know my Nat King Cole collection.
If it's OK, I'd like to go with you.
- (record smashes)
I just can't bear
the thought of being alone.
Please. I won't be in your way.
She wants to go with me for the weekend.
What does she want now? A stove?
You know, when I think back about
Dennis, you know what the truth is?
He doesn't like women.
I swear, he does not like women!
What have you got in here? You know,
we're just goin' for the weekend.
It's too late.
We have nothing to say to each other.
Honk on this, butt-head!
I'm bein' a jerk about Laura.
Well, she's not gonna ruin my weekend.
I'm gonna have fun!
- Well, I'm glad to see you're up.
What the hell are you two doin' here?
Hey, Dennis, knock it off.
What's goin' on here?
I'm Dr Paul Kirkwood
and this is Nurse Helen Caldwell.
- What am I doin' on the set?
Oh, I get it. All right.
Yeah, Mickey. OK, very funny.
- Wait. Now, hang on.
- Where's Mickey? OK, Mickey. Ha, ha, ha.
Joke is over. Thank you.
Back to work, everybody.
Jesus! When did we build this?
We're gonna go way over budget!
I don't understand. His tests were normal.
Maybe we should do some more.
isn't a set, is it?
Set? You're in Ashford Falls
- Ashford Falls?
- That's right.
I can't be in Ashford Falls.
There is no Ashford Falls!
See for yourself.
OK. OK, I'll bite.
I can't... This can't be! I...
I must be dead.
I am dead!
I'm in hell!
And my punishment...
is spending eternity on my own show!
- Oh, no!
- You better get milligrams of Valium.
- Not on this show!
- Take it easy.
Please, not this show!
(Whispers) You said
we'd go to the mountains.
I'm sorry, Helen.
I've got to see Carter Hedison.
Or Rachel Hedison?
Agh! I'm OK. I'm OK. I'm fine. I'm fine.
I'm OK. I'm, um...
just nervous in hospitals, that's all.
I'm in Ashford Falls.
I had a car wreck last night.
You're Dr Kirkwood.
And I panicked a little.
- Follow my finger.
- Sure. See? I've never felt better.
- Will you be quiet?
- OK, Doctor. Anything you say, Doctor.
- All right, get your clothes on.
I wanna see you in my office
No problem. I'll be in your dressing
room... your office at nine o'clock.
You better make it . .
I'm in surgery all morning.
Oh, sure. No problem. Bye-bye!
Thank you both!
He's operating on people?!
He's an actor! He's not even a good one!
- I'm telling you, I can walk!
- And I'm telling you, hospital regulations.
- You can walk when you're outside.
- Oh, this is ridiculous!
I'm gonna get your discharge papers.
Just stay put! Boy, what a pain!
Are you ready for this?
Dr Kirkwood is just stringing you along!
He's gonna dump you and marry Rachel!
Lee, you think you got a small part now,
how would you like a brain tumour?
OK, we're outside. Can I stand up now?
I had your things taken to the hotel.
But I didn't use your real name,
just like you said in the letter. God!
- This is kind of exciting.
- Letter? What letter?
I used the name
that you gave at the hospital.
You know: Jack Gable.
That is my name!
We met at the office.
Don't you recognise me? I ran into you.
I crushed your hand.
I've never been to your office, Mr Gates.
Gates? You think I'm Jack Gates?
Oh, come on, let's get in the car.
Gosh, I am so excited.
You're buying my father's formula.
He's in the study, sir.
- Which one?
- The one to your right, sir.
What do you think, Blake? If we lose
the daycare centre and the playground,
we can park much closer to our office.
Daddy! I found out who Janet Dubois
is selling her father's formula to!
It's Jack Gates!
The Wolf of Wall Street?
I've been following Janet. She checked
this guy calling himself Jack Gable
- into the hotel...
- Get to the point, Ty.
Well... I saw his bags, Daddy.
They had the initials JG. JG, Jack Gates.
So they have the same initials.
Yeah, the same initials, and they're both
from New York, and he was with Janet.
That doesn't make him Gates.
Forget it, Ty.
We don't even know if Fletcher Dubois
came up with that formula.
But... what if he did, Dad?
It'd be just like Jack Gates
to buy it out from under us.
I think you're on to something, Blake.
Check into it right away.
I-I-I'm checking into it! I mean, why
does it always have to be Blake, Daddy?
- It was my idea in the first place!
- Lighten up, Ty.
You're just like your mother.
I suppose that's why
she committed suicide.
If it was suicide.
For the very last time,
I did not hire Dash Andrews
to kill your mother.
If she was my mother!
- Another one of those headaches, son?
- (whimpers) Uh-huh.
I don't care what you think.
I am not Jack Gates!
And you are not Janet Dubois!
You can't be!
You're an offstage character!
- A what?
- We talked about bringing you into it,
but frankly, you weren't that interesting.
You're not even supposed to be here.
But I am here.
I came back to visit my father.
Ah, yes, your father. Fletcher Dubois,
the brilliant but unstable chemist
- who is developing a formula...
- Is developing a formula?
Mr Gates, my father died four weeks ago.
Oh, yeah. We had to get rid of him.
Because he couldn't remember his lines!
It's the Sherwoods! They did hire
Fetterman. They're messin' with my bible.
What bible? What are you talking about?
You agreed to buy my father's formula!
Oh, what's the use? I know you may
find this hard to believe, but I'm a writer.
Now, I know this may sound crazy...
but I created this whole town!
- I see. You created this whole town.
- Yes! Yes!
I'm getting out of here. Where's my car?
It's at Len's Garage.
It needed a new radiator.
Len? There is no Len.
We haven't used Len in two years!
What is happening to me?
- Oh, God!
- What are you doing?!
This isn't a dream. I'm not dreaming. Ow!
Why are you playing these games
with me, Mr Gates?
For the last time, lady, I'm not Gates!
I'm a writer! Do you hear me? All I wanna
do is get outta this stinkin' little town!
Well, then, do it! I mean, you say
you're a writer. Then write your way out!
Operator? Yes, could you get me-this
ought to be rich - Len's Garage, please?
What a mistake Len was.
Boy, did we get letters.
- Like I told Janet, it needs a new radiator.
It'll be a few days.
Hey, mister, I can't work miracles.
"Write your way out."
This is insane. Absolutely insane.
"Write your way out."
Interior, Len's Garage. Day.
Len finds a new radiator
for Mr Gable's car.
Len calls Mr Gable
to let him know it is fixed.
You found a new radiator for my car?
You did wha...? You did? You found it?
Len, no! No, Len!
I'm not laughing at you! No!
No. Thank you!
I'm thanking you! Yes!
I'll be right over! It worked!
What the hell happened?
I don't wanna know.
I just don't wanna know.
I gotta get outta here.
Hey! Taxi! Taxi!
Hey, wait a second! Taxi!
Taxi! Hey, taxi! Hey!
Taxi! Hey, taxi! Taxi! Taxi!
Do I know you?
Is this man bothering you, Miss Hedison?
Men never bother me, Marco.
Pick me up in... half an hour,
I have to be at the Hunt Club.
I'm going riding with Dr Kirkwood.
What's the rush? Where am I running?
(Whistles a tune)(Rachel) Really, Paul,
it's not exactly murder.
No. No, it's out of the question.
I won't even discuss it.
But you're his doctor. Surely you
could increase Blake's medication.
It's an experimental drug.
It could have terrible side effects.
I'm sure Blake would try anything
to get rid of those migraines.
But even if Blake were out of the way,
your father will never leave
the company to you. What about Ty?
- I can always handle Ty.
- Rachel, I'm a medical doctor!
I can't do it!
You don't need your father's company.
We have each other.
Let's get married as we planned.
I'm sorry, Paul, but I don't think
I'm ready for marriage yet.
All right. All right.
I'll increase Blake's medication.
Come on. I'll race you
to Winchester Cathedral.
Should be slow.
I'll make Rachel beg for me.
Let her suffer a little.
Let's see. She's going horseback riding
this afternoon, so I'II...
Horseback riding. Oh, my God. Fetterman
and the Sherwoods, they're gonna kill her!
And so no money had changed hands and
the cow was returned to its rightful owner.
That was told to me by a, uh...
Oh! Stop! Oh, my God! Stop!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa, easy. Easy, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, big fella.
Whoa. Settle down, now.
- I believe you dropped your hat.
- Thank you, I... You saved my life!
- Haven't we met?
And perhaps we'll meet again.
She's dyin' for me. I love this.
Come on, slow down, will you?
Don't do that. Easy. Easy, boy.
Ohh! Why didn't I write myself
back to the stable? Ohh! Easy! Ohh!
Oh, please. Oh, please, slow down.
Slow down. Oh! Ah!
Please... Hi. Whoa!
Agh! Oh, my God! Ah! Oh, Jesus! Oh!
- Help! Somebody help!
- Oh, my gosh!
Oh, my God! Help!
Help me! Hello!
Hey, help! Please, lady! Help me! Help me!
- Are you all right?
Yeah, I think so. Thanks.
Yeah. Agh! Oh! Ow! What's this?
- Oh, no! You picked up a sickle thorn.
- Bend over a little.
- Wait. Is it gonna hurt?
- It might hurt.
- No, forget it. Just leave it in. OK, OK, OK.
Look at the size of that! Wow!
- I used to come here as a kid.
- Oh, it's beautiful. It really is.
So, Janet... just out of curiosity, uh...
tell me more about
There's not that much to tell. I got my PhD
at Ashford Falls Christian Normal.
- Good school.
- Then I went to Africa.
Africa? Where did that come from?
For the last two years
I've lived there with a colony of ants.
- You lived with ants?
- I do research. I chart everything they do.
their movement, their mating habits.
Oh, I see. Like one of those
National Geographic specials.
No, I'll never be on one of those.
My friend Manu says I'm not big enough.
I don't have gorillas like Dian Fossey or
Jane Goodall with her precious chimps.
- See, no one cares about ants,
but once you live with them, you see
their specialness, their individuality.
It's as though each one
has a personality all their own.
- What's the matter?
- Nothing. Nothing.
You know we don't discuss
financial matters at the dinner table.
Father, I have the right
to know what's going on.
I will not be shut out of the business
by you or anyone else.
When are you going to stop
this madness with Rachel?
- Nothing happened at the Mardi Gras.
- She's your sister!
All right, Rachel.
We are working on something.
How would you like to eat
whatever you want,
then take a pill
that speeds up your metabolism,
burning off all the sugar and fat?
We have a pill like that?
My God, I'll make a fortune!
Or lose everything
if someone beats us to the market.
It's possible that Fletcher Dubois
figured out the Meta Pill ahead of us.
That's what Jack Gates is after.
But I don't understand why he wants to
get his hand up your dress. I mean...
We all know what you meant, Ty.
Watch it, Blake, or I'll give you
a headache you won't forget.
- You lay one finger on him, Ty...
- Always protecting Blake, Daddy!
Sometimes I wish I wasn't your son.
If I am your son.
- How are your headaches, Blake?
- Oh, much better.
Paul doubled my dosage.
It seems to be working.
That's not the drug
we're still testing, is it?
- Paul feels it's completely safe, Father.
Leave it all to me, Dad.
I'll figure out just how far
Fletcher Dubois got with his formula.
My gums are bleeding.
"With tears in her eyes,
Rachel runs to him."
Nah! Too corny!
- It's Janet.
- Where are you?
- I'm in my father's lab, what's left of it.
What a jerk I was! I can't believe it! No
wonder you didn't wanna buy the formula!
- You were gonna steal it all along.
You're working for the Hedisons,
- Well, I'll burn it before they ever get it!
I think your friends are still here.
- What friends?
- Well, they're gonna be sorry.
Janet, if there's someone there, get
outta the house right now. Call the police!
I swear, I had nothing to do with this!Janet? Hello?Hello? Hello, Janet? Hello?Janet? Hello?(Screams)
Hello? Hello? Hello, Janet?!
Jesus! I didn't write any of this.
Of course. It's Fetterman again!
OK, you two-bit hack.
Now we're gonna play some hardball.
Interior. Dubois lab.
All you have to do is show us your
father's notes and we'll be on our way.
I'm telling you, he never even
figured out that formula!
We'll see about that.
- Give yourself a break, lady.
Where did that window come from?
Oh, my gosh!
What are you gonna do
about this, smart guy?
Jack, watch out!
When did you start carrying a knife?
Let's get outta here. Come on.
- I've never seen anything like that!
- Neither has anyone else.
Boy, these guys sure know
how to tie a knot. Aaagh!
- Hey, what's this?
- What they wanted. My father's formula.
I think it'll be safer in your hands,
Look, lady, for the last time,
the name is not...
He's a master at martial arts,
he's powerful and ruthless.
Who else could you be?
Hm. This could work for me.
Yes! I am Jack Gates!
- Then you'll buy my father's formula?
- Of course. Come on!
- Oh, my...
- It'd be easier if you pulled out again.
- Don't tell me how to park.
- There's a really big space over there.
- Do you wanna drive? Huh?
OK, we're fine. Here we go, now. Yep.
Oh, yeah. This is fine.
It's a lot closer than I thought.
- You OK there?
- Oh, yeah.
She's beautiful, isn't she?
- I went to high school with Rachel.
- Oh, yeah?
- What was she like?
- Rich, pretty.
She was homecoming queen
all four years.
I remember once she wore
this beautiful white lace dress
and this gorgeous crown.
When she came down that stairway,
It was as if she were floating.
I wanted to be Rachel that night.
- When did this place open?
- Oh, a couple of hours ago.
And I hear they serve
a very good pastrami.
Pastrami on a kaiser and, uh...
Lox and cream cheese
on cinnamon toast? Get it outta here!
Yeah, you're right.
It gets really Ionely out there.
Sometimes Manu and I are alone
in the bush for months at a time.
So are you tellin' me
you never met anyone out there?
I did get involved with a Frenchman.
He said he was an environmentalist.
- Turns out he wasn't.
- What was he?
- A poacher. They hung him.
God, I always choose the wrong guys.
Not me. I always choose the right women.
I just can't get 'em
to go out with me, that's all.
But you're Jack Gates.
You can have anyone you want.
Of course! I meant before
I became ruthless and powerful.
So... maybe you'd like to come over
sometime. I'm really a pretty good cook.
- You don't wanna come.
- I didn't say that.
I understand. You're a busy person.
You've got hostile takeovers to take over.
- I understand.
- Do you want me to come over or not?
- Yes, definitely.
- I'd love to.
I guess this is why I live with ants.
Lox, cream cheese, on cinnamon toast?
- And you're actually eating that?
(Auctioneer) The next item up
is this lovely Amish quilt.
Not since Betsy Ross has there been
such exquisite workmanship.
Who will offer $ ?
$ . Do I hear ?
Daddy, we're never going to
reach our goal.
Rachel, I'm not buying
any more of this crap.
I've been getting these hot flashes. Do you
think I should cut back on the medicine?
Ooh, those gums don't look tiptop either.
- Maybe you'd better stop. Just...
- (clears throat)
It's probably just allergies.
Stay on this dosage another week.
Ah! Good. Good.
I hope I'm not interrupting, ladies
and gentlemen. My name is Jack Gates.
- You see? I told you it was Jack Gates.
- Be quiet.
- You were right, Blake.
- What do you mean, he was right?
It was me, Daddy! Me! I'm the one!
I'm just a visitor to Ashford Falls,
but I believe in a good cause.
Therefore I'm donating
my Ferrari to your auction.
- He certainly has style.
- Yeah. If you like a showboat.
We would like to thank Mr Gates for his
very generous donation of this classic.
The bidding will begin at $ .
It's the most beautiful car I've ever seen.
Do you want it?
$ . Thank you, Dr Kirkwood.
Do I see ? . Thank you, madam.
? . Thank you, sir.
$ . Thank you, Dr Kirkwood.
$ going once.
$ going twice.
He's bidding on his own car!
One million dollars.
Sold! One million dollars!
To the original owner.
Rachel, I... I...
So, the mysterious stranger
rides to the rescue again.
Madam, this stranger knows no danger.
I am much stranger than you think.
may I drop you somewhere?
That's all right. I'll take her.
Oh? Do you think you'll have time?
Oh, my God.
- I'm supposed to be in surgery.
I'll take Rachel
where she's going, Mr Gates.
- Oh, really? I don't think so.
- Your car phone, sir.
Maybe you could use a lift after all.
Mr Gates, are you aware that
I'm engaged to Dr Kirkwood?
- Wouldn't you rather be in love?
- I'm sorry, Rachel.
- I can't take you. I've got to get home.
- What is it, Daddy? Is something wrong?
- The cable TV man is coming.
- But the stockholders' meeting.
You know how hard it is
getting those guys to come out.
I've got black bars on and .
- Rachel, Blake'll take you to the club.
- I can't.
- I've got to get my wheels balanced.
- Now? Why do you have to do that now?
- I don't know!
- What the hell is going on around here?
Your grandstand play at the auction,
Mr Gates... What are you really up to?
- You don't trust me, do you?
- No more than you trust me.
- Let's play a little game.
- What... kind of game?
It's called Trust.
Oh, this is so silly!
All right. How do you play?
I place my life in your hands.
- Are you crazy?!
- Come on, Rachel, what do I do?
- Please stop!
- (laughs) Why? I trust you.
Go to the right! Oh, my God!
Look out on the left!
No, right! To the right! Right!!
Turn at the truck!
Don't! You'll never make it!
I'm begging you, stop the car!
- Do you really want me to stop?
Aw, I thought you could take this.
Don't stop, then. Faster!
Sharp curve to the right.
Don't lose it now.
Oh, this is wonderful!
(Jack) Nice day for a drive, isn't it?
How long am I supposed to
wait for these cable people?
Who cares about
the black bar on your TV?
What about Rachel?
She's with Gates. Isn't she?
See? It's definitely the cable.
Look at the difference. Cable, antenna.
- Cable, antenna.
- I've got terrible news.
- The cable man's not coming, is he?
I went through Gates' stuff at his hotel.
He's got a deal to buy the formula.
So Dubois came up with the Meta Pill!
- That does it.
- No, there's more.
Gates has all these crazy notes.
He knows everything about us.
He knows about our phoney drug test,
your brain tumour, and even my... my...
What does that man want?
Is he out to break us or to see us in jail?
If I can't have Rachel,
I don't care about jail!
And I hope your cable man
never shows up!
- Oh, my God!
- Hi, Paul.
Dad, I did good. Right, Daddy?
Yes, you did. I'm very proud of you.
Good job, son.
Ah! Blake, I'm glad you're here.
Ty, fill him in.
Blake will know what to do about Gates.
You can't keep doing this to me!
No! Ty! That's a Tang dynasty!
You can't even do that right,
can you, son?
So he's a little late.
Maybe he stopped for wine.
Or flowers. Oh, God,
it could've been flowers.
Or maybe he's just late.
- Where were you?
You were supposed to meet me.
I'm Jack... Gates.
Next time I'll write myself
an automatic transmission.
- Good evening.
- Evening, sir.
Janet! What are you doing here?
Look, about the dinner. I can explain. I...
- Are you really Jack Gates?
- Of course I'm Jack Gates! Hey!
All my life... I've been Jack Gates.
What are you doing in this part?
You don't do daytime TV!
Of course! The Sherwoods hired
Robert Wagner! It's Sweeps Week!
Robert Wagner! Wow!
This nebbish has been masquerading
as me, and you believed him?
I should have known.
I mean, gosh, the way he parked the car!
- This belongs to you, Mr Gates.
- Thank you, my dear.
They're tryin' to kill me!
Goddamn you, Fetterman!
Oh, my God!
It's real blood.
He's dead! It can't be!
He's Robert Wagner!
I can't let him die.
I gotta bring him back.
I gotta bring him back.
Don't worry, Mr Wagner,
everything's gonna be fine.
He even looks good dead.
Jack's... hotel room.
This has gotta work.
I did it! It worked!
I brought him back! How're you feelin'?
A little dizzy.
- I don't understand what happened.
- You don't have to. Goodbye, Mr Gates.
"Goodbye... Mr Gates," he said.
- Get me a cab! I've gotta go to the airport.
- But you just checked in.
I don't care! I gotta go to...
Jesus! I hate Cleveland!
You don't belong in Ashford Falls.
You're really a sweet kid.
You'll be a lot happier back in Africa.
No. Must be day over there.
Goodbye, Janet. Have fun with your ants.
He's supposed to be
this ruthless tycoon, but...
- he seemed like a really nice guy to me.
- Sounds like the poacher again.
You should've seen the way
he rode a horse. Oh, it was so cute!
Oh, by the way, I nearly forgot.
This telegram came for you this morning.
A telegram for me? Wow!
Do you think it's from Jack?
Oh, I bet it's from Jack!
It's from Carter Hedison.
"A matter of life and death."
You can't just toss me aside, Paul.
Don't you see? Rachel's just using you.
She uses men the way
other women use... cotton balls!
- It's over, Helen.
You've won again, Rachel.
But for the last time.
Paul, you're being childish.
Jack Gates doesn't mean anything to me.
- I wish you'd trust me.
- I do. It's just...
Then prove it.
Let's play a little game.
Almost killed withthe engaging thoracic surgeonwas his philanthropistsocialite fiancée, Rachel Hedison,daughter of industrialist and well-knownsocialist... socialite, Carter Hedison.From Ashford Falls Falls, this is yourAshford Falls reporter, Debbie Norden.
I had to be a big shot!
I almost killed the woman I love!
It's all my fault!
No, it isn't. No, it isn't!
I can only control what I write, right?
No, it's my fault.
I didn't write that. Who wrote that?
- Hi. I'm glad I caught you in.
My father's throwing a party
this weekend and he wants you to come.
- Oh, I'd be delighted.
- Jack, I can't talk long.
Your life is in danger. My father
will stop at nothing to get the formula.
Bring it to me.
It's the last place my father will look.
You really care for me, don't you?
Of course I do. That's why
I didn't want you to come to the party.
My father's announcing
my engagement to Paul.
Oh, why did you have to
come into my life now?
Goodbye... my darling.
- He'll be there.
- What about the formula?
- He'll have it.
- Yes, but... will we?
Good point, Blake.
Is there something going on, Rachel?
It's never taken you this long
to get what you want from a man.
I don't know what it is.
When I'm with him, it's as if...
I don't have a mind of my own.
He has this... strange power over me.
Not mouse. House!
Watch the typos.
I'm gonna be incredible this weekend.
This time it's comin' straight
from the heart. No blindfolds.
No flashy stunts. No.
I gotta be me!
(* "Hungarian Rhapsody No. in C-Sharp Minor" by Franz Liszt)
- Is he gonna play all night?
- Oh! Miss Dubois!
- Hello, Edward.
- Is Mr Hedison here?
Oh, yes. Do please go in.
Janet! What are you doing here?
What's going on, Ty?
Why does your father want to see me?
Golly, I've missed you. Remember the
time I was gonna ask you to the prom?
- And your father wouldn't let you.
- Uh, no. No, th-that's not true.
That was the time that I got...
I got, um...
- Amnesia, sir.
I thought you were announcing
- Why did you ask him to play the piano?
- I didn't.
I didn't ask him to sing
"Send In The Clowns", either.
Excuse me, sir.
Miss Janet Dubois is in your study.
Oh, my God.
Water, no ice.
You were the first one
to drink a lot of water.
Now everybody's doing it.
So, Janet, while you're here,
maybe we could go horseback riding.
- I don't think so.
- Well, well, well!
Janet Dubois. How grown-up we are.
What's going on?
What's all this about life and death?
We can d... we can discuss it later.
Ty, show Janet to one of the guest rooms.
She can wear some of Rachel's clothes.
- You can have my room, Janet.
- You're not gonna be in it, are you?
I didn't send that wire.
But... if you didn't,
then who did?
Thank you. Thank you very much.
You're wonderful. For me? Thank you!
- You brought tears to my eyes.
- I know.
Donna? Donna McKenzie, Lincoln High?
- Oh, God, I couldn't have been that drunk.
- What else did I write last night?
You were wonderful!
All those years,
your locker was right next to mine
- and I never even talked to you.
- I know.
How could I ever have been
in love with Greg Petula? Ugh! Barf!
I was wrong about you.
- You're not a jerk.
- Oh, thanks.
Gimme an L, gimme an I! Lincoln High!
I just want you to know
how much I enjoyed your playing.
Oh, thank you.
The elderly man exits.
Great! Now I got 'em
talkin' stage directions!
(Rachel) What is going on around here?
- The bartender needs more cold deer.
- Not deer!
Beer! It's a typo!
Use your head, for Christ's sake!
- Where are you going?
- I don't know!
- (woman) My God, he's choking to death!
- I'll handle this.
- You've got it backwards!
- What are you doing?
Ladies and gentlemen...
the Heimlich manoeuvre.
- You'll be fine now.
- You saved my life!
Is there nothing you can't do?
Thank you very much. Excuse us.
Paul doesn't know the Heimlich?!
Well, of course I know the Heimlich.
I know the Heimlich. I know the Heimlich!
Jim, you know I know the Heimlich.
Look, I love the Heimlich!
I'm always doing the Heimlich.
It's one of my favourite manoeuvres!
I'm a medical doctor!
(* "It's A Man's, Man's, Man's World"by James Brown)* This is a man's world* This is a man's world* But it wouldn't be nothing* Without a woman* Or a girl* Say it one more time
I want you, Jack.
* A man needs a woman
And you shall have me.
I don't know why I'm so thirsty.
Mr Hedison. Blake.
I see you're still under
Dr Kirkwood's care.
What are you up to, Helen?
I don't recall inviting you to this party.
Wouldn't you like to find out
why you sent for Janet Dubois?
As Jack pilots his private jet to New York,
Rachel nibbles on his ear...
her long, supple legs...
wrapped sensuously around...
What am I doin'? What am I doing?!
I'm like a junkie with this thing!
I hate you!
Oh, my God, what did I do?
I'm not marrying Paul.
I'm going to call off the engagement.
All right, Helen. What is going on?
I had no idea. She's stunning.
What's she doin' back here?
- Are you all right?
I guess this is why
I was never homecoming queen.
I think you look beautiful.
Do you hear bells?
Dinner is served.
Let me help you up. Here we go.
Rachel! You... You know Janet.
- Janet! How are your cockroaches?
- Ants! It's ants!
Jack, the hell with my father. Let's leave
tonight. I'll just pack a few things.
I left in such a rush.
We still have a deal, don't we?
Sure we do.
I've got the formula right here.
I've got it right... in my...
- Actually, I gave it to Rachel.
- You what?
- Just for a moment.
- Of all the people to give it to!
- It's not what you think.
- It is what I think.
- Jack, I trusted you.
- Janet, I'd like to see you in the library.
If you'll excuse us, Mr Grates.
- How could you have done this to me?
- I believed in you!
- But, Janet...
Not Grates, it's Gates.
Excuse me, sir, dinner is...
Are you all right, sir?
Can I get you something?
Yeah. How about a new typewriter?
- You can't be my father!
- It's true, Janet.
When my mother was head nurse
at Ashford Falls Community General,
she... accidentally switched
you and Rachel when you were born.
Oh, I can't be a Hedison.
I hate the Hedisons!
I'm sorry, Janet, but it's time it came out.
It's time Rachel learned that
she's not a high-and-mighty Hedison.
That she can't just take
what belongs to other people.
Paul is mine!
I'm glad that you're all here.
Especially you, Janet.
Dad, you're not gonna stop me this time.
I realised tonight that I'm still in love
with Janet, and that I always will be!
Of course you're in love with her!
She's your sister!
- Rachel, are you ready to...?
- How about these?
No, no, Marie.
Flats with that dress? Are you crazy?!
I thought you were
just taking a few things!
Are we going or not?
They're right about me.
I am... weak!
I don't have Rachel.
I don't even have my self-respect.
I have... nothing... to live... for!
- Jesus Christ, you almost killed me!
Oh, my God! Look what I've done to you!
Forgive me, Blake! Forgive me!
It was Rachel! Rachel made me do it!
That slut did this?
- Oh, no!
- What is it now?
- I forgot my shoulder pads.
- Who gives a shit?!
Daddy, don't try to stop me.
I'm going to New York with Jack Gates.
I think there's something you should
know. This is going to come as a shock,
but you are not a Hedison.
- Janet is my real daughter.
- Oh, for Chrissakes, that is the corniest!
It's Fetterman. He's goin' for
that baby-switching crap.
This can't be true.
Oh, but it is.
Little Miss Tummy Tuck.
This house is mine now.
So pick up your bags and keep moving.
- Look, you little anteater...
- Janet, what are they doing to you?
- By the way, our deal's off, Gates.
The formula stays in the family
and I get... per cent.
She's a Hedison all right!
Hold it. Hold it.
Now I get it. They're bringin' you
into the story to replace Rachel!
- Stay out of this, Jack.
- No! It's wrong! You're not like that!
Fetterman's trying to change you
and I won't let him do it!
Paul told me all about it, sister!
Well, if I'm gonna die,
I'm gonna shoot you first!
Paul! Do something!
Janet's been shot! Edward, help him.
I will call the paramedics.
- She's wearing my shoes.
- Will you shut the hell up?
- Can you stop the bleeding?
- Yes, stop the bleeding.
She's ruining the parquet floor!
You want bleeding? Huh? I'll show you
bleedin'. You want bleedin', huh?
Is that what you want?
Cos I'll give you some bleedin'!
Let me at her! Let me at her!
Whoever you are...
that you'll be there when I wake up.
Nothing's gonna happen to you.
I'm not gonna lose you now.
She's not gonna take away what's mine.
Just make sure Janet
doesn't survive that operation.
But don't you see? If Janet is my sister,
then I still have a chance with Rachel!
- I'll make sure he's well taken care of!
- Don't bother.
Hurry! Every second counts!
We've got to...
I can't leave now. Go on. Go on.
- Where the hell have you been?
- How ya doin'?!
I'll tell you how I'm doing. I've got
a black bar on and . It's in the study.
- Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
- Don't worry about me.
Rachel is gonna make Paul kill Janet!
She'll never get outta surgery alive!
Are you ready, darling?
How am I gonna do this?
Look, I told you.
It's shaped like a little boot!
I don't have time to come over there!
Just be quiet and listen
to every word I say.
That little boot goes to your spacer.
Now comes the tough part.
There are three holes
in that little black bar.
- I see them!
- The one in the middle is a large one.
Attach the spring
to the hole in the middle.
Don't touch the roller next to it.
Repeat: Do not touch the roller!
- This is delicate work, you moron!
- Stop yellin'! You're makin' me nervous!
OK, I've got the spring on.
Oh, shit, it's off again.
It's working! It's working! I did it!
OK, OK. So you did it. Who cares?
- Where's the formula, my friend?
- What are you doing here?
- I sent you to Cleveland!
- I should kill you for that alone.
- I want that formula.
- Oh... go do a mini-series or something!
Interior. Hospital... operating room.
Nobody... crosses Jack Gates.
Fine! "Nobody crosses Jack Gates."
Janet... has a miraculous recovery.
As her eyes begin to flutter...
Oh, you poor darling!
Just take it easy, Jack.
- Stay away from me!
- You're gonna be all right.
Get your hands off me,
you two-bit quack! Where's Janet?
- If anything happens to her, I'II...
- It's all right!
You expect me to believe you? I know
what you're up to, you goddamn bitch!
All you ever think of is yourself.
- How dare you talk to me like that?!
- What did you do with Janet?
Jack? You OK?
Somebody said you got hit by a truck.
- He got hit by luggage?
Yeah. You see, the trunk lid
popped open and hit me in the chin.
It's all right, Jack.
You must've been really out of it.
I know you would never
talk to me that way.
Not my Jack!
I was so worried about you!
I know your concern for others
eats you up inside.
Good Lord, look what I've done to you.
You need a rest.
You gotta get away!
Don't you worry. I'm gonna arrange for
you to take some time off from the show.
How much time?
Oh, my God!
- You're going to give me a brain tumour!
- I've gotta go find Janet.
Jack! We have to talk!
Anybody want a refrigerator?
Marge, there was a girl here who...
- What's goin' on here, Marge?
- Callbacks for Janet.
I saw the girls you called in for Janet.
You're making a big mistake.
- She's not glitzy or glamorous.
- She won't be!
She'll come in wholesome and innocent,
as a contrast to the evil Hedisons.
Oh, I see. I see. Yeah.
First you set her up,
then you change her, right?
Well, we don't have to do it that way.
Where... where did you hear all this?
I know where you get your ideas.
- But we're gonna do Janet my way.
- Who says?
I do. Or we'll have the same bullshit
we've had for the last five years.
You're calling it bullshit?! We know more
about this damn business than you'll ev...
Now look what you did! Get somebody,
quick. Who knows the Heimlich?
- I do.
- Well, help her out, for Christ's sake!
- Not until you agree on Janet.
- Are you crazy?!
All right, I agree. You wanna die on
a sandwich you shouldn't even be eating?
Come on, will ya?!
- What'd you give in to him for?!
- Because he loves me.
There's a lotta love in this room.
- Hi. Is he in?
- He's in a meeting.
- Thank you.
- May I have your name? Sir!
- Jacko! Long time no s...
Mr Fetterman, are you all right?
No, Mom, I'm OK. Yeah.
I mean, they just said they wanted
somebody more glamorous.
Last night I had this crazy dream
that I got the part. Yeah.
I really had a feeling that something
was gonna happen for me today.
I love you too. OK. Bye.
Number pastrami on a kaiser!
- Here you go, Jack.
- Thanks. Put it on the tab, will you?
I can't believe this. Lox and
cream cheese on cinnamon toast?!
Get it outta here!
I'm the lox.
Manny, we got the ants back again!
- No! Stop it! Leave 'em alone!
- Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Oh, gosh, I'm sorry!
- I don't even like ants!
- Yes, you do!
- I don't know why I did that.
- I do. Have you got a minute?
- Yeah. Where are we going?
- I don't know. I can't see.
Look, the part of the lesbian maid
is taken, but I'm gonna get you Janet.
Argh! What happened to your body?!
(Jack) She got the part, of course.By the way, the show is doing great.Blake undergoes surgery for his teeth,and the eight-pound tumour on his neck.Ty has an accident at the sanitariumand is now wearing two eye patches.We brought back Len, pantyhose and all.He has a major operationand falls in love with Dr Kirkwood.And what did I learn from this?The most important thing is thatyou're better off just being yourself.Unless, of course,you get a chance to be Robert Wagner.Oh, by the way, I must confess I didtry out my typewriter just one last time,and I think it worked.Remember Laura, who played Rachel?Well, she's turning letterson a game show... in Cleveland.(* "Beyond Our Wildest Dreams"by John Melnick)* Though our lipsnever spoke a whole word* The voices inside our hearts* How they cried to be heard* I hear you now and I know it is real* Am I a fool not to fight what I feel* The answer liesbeyond our wildest dreams* So many roads* Have brought us to this moment* So many twists, so many turns* Friends till the end* We'll sail against the wind* Guess a fool's heart* Never learns* So welcome to my wildest dreams* You always can count on love* To rewrite every scene* I feel your touch and I'm sure it is real* I'm not a fool, I can trust what I feel* To carry us beyond our wildest dreams* So many roads* Have brought us to this moment* So many twists, so many turns* Friends till the end* We'll sail against the wind* Guess a fool's heart* Never learns* So welcome to my wildest dreams* You always can count on love* To rewrite every scene* I feel your touch and I'm sure it is real* I'm not a fool, I can trust what I feel* To carry us beyond our wildest dreams