Voila! Finally, the Deliver Us From Eva
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Gabrielle Union and
LL Cool J movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Deliver Us From Eva. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
You know when a funeral is really awful?
When it's yours.
That's me, Ray Adams-
young, gifted and dead.
These are my remains.
And these three mournful brothers,
they're the men who killed me.
Aw, they look so sad, don't they?
But this is how they really feel.
But they're not the real reason I'm dead.
These are their women. Fine, ain't they?
Some families are blessed with great genes,
and the Dandridge sisters had it all.
But they're not the reason I'm dead either. She is.
How did this sweet-faced woman cause a man to die?
Well, it began six months ago. Go! Go! Go!
- Now Howard comes up the middle,
- breaks the tackle and gets the first down.
Hey, baby, that's really nice of you, sweetie, but we already have some food here.
- What are you doing in here? - Trying to watch the game that's right behind you.
My book club is meeting in here tonight.
Baby, remember when we talked last month?
You said it was okay if we watched the game.
Oh, yeah. Eva changed all that. She was supposed to tell you.
- Well, she didn't. - Hey, it's the men. What are you doing here?
Are you joining our book club? It's gonna be very enlightening.
Sweetness, precious, listen.
Would it be okay, you know, if you could take it in the other room?
- Because we're all settled in. - Yeah, the other room.
- Well, I guess we could. - You got a great girl!
I love you, baby. No! No, we cannot!
Oh, yeah- Oh.
Michael, Timothy, Darrell.
Our book club is reading Beloved,
and we're gonna need the television to watch the film when we're done.
Oh, yeah, that's right, honey. We need the room.
You did not tell me you wanted to use the room in my house, Eva.
Well, I'm telling you right now, Timothy.
And it is half my sister's house too.
See, 'cause I want Kareenah to make a good impression on the book club.
Don't you? No!
- Excuse me? - Yes.
Look, we were here first, Eva.
Yes, but certainly the temporal proximity of our advents...
isn't determinative, is it?
- I'll get back to you on that one. - Yeah.
Do you know what she just said right there?
- You don't get to me with your $ words, Eva. - That's right.
What would you say if I demanded you to leave this room?
I would say I find your particular brand of crack very amusing.
This isn't about a book...
versus a football game, fellas.
Oh, no. This is about men versus women.
Women who aspire to culture...
and men who aspire to scratch themselves.
Women who bear the burdens in life and men who create those burdens.
Women who uplift humanity and men who uplift lap dances.
If society were left to the whims of men,
we'd still be in caves carving pictures with our non-opposable thumbs.
So, today, gentlemen,
is the day for civilized behavior.
Today we women raise our voices against tyranny, crudeness and play-off games.
And that is it, gentlemen.
End of story. The fat lady's singing! Out of the room.
By the way, if any of that was lost upon you, then I've just proven my point again.
I am putting my foot down.
Damn! Damn! I can't stand her.
I can't stand her either, but you really need to calm down.
You're making me stressed. You need to stand up to your wife, Timothy.
It's like she tookyour balls and turned them into earrings.
Your wife is bling-blingin' with your nuts.
This is what we get for being with Eva's little sisters.
They could never stand up to us without Eva.
I really did think I was getting one of the fabulous Dandridge girls.
I didn't know it came with the sister-in-law from hell.
You gotta admit, they were the finest women in the neighborhood.
We used to say their daddy's johnson - Should be bronzed. Right.
Did you notice how they stuck together in an argument?
One for all and all for Eva. That's how they're getting down.
Come on, fellas. We need to be more compassionate.
Their parents died when they were young and left them alone,
so they have to stick together. Yeah.
I should've used that argument to get on Eva about that Dandridge fund.
- You know what? I would've done it. - Look at you cosigning.
Mike, please, you need to let that go. Every time. Okay.
They've been putting money in that account ever since they were teenagers.
- What are they doing with it? Nothing. - Step away from my man.
I bet they don't even know how much is in there.
- There's no need for this. - If he's your man, then what's he doing here with me?
Charity work, heifer. Look- Look- Hey, hey, hey!
This is just a big misunderstanding, okay?
Fellas, I know that brother. Yo, Ray!
I didn't even know he was back in town.
You should be mad at me, not each other.
I've been dating both of you, and - True, we don't have a commitment.
But I couldn't decide between you. Hey, fellas.
I think he might be the man to rid us of Eva.
That dude? Aw, hell, no. You'd be better off getting Ike Turner.
They're about to cuss his ass out and leave him high and dry. Watch.
- Yeah, he's right. - Let's go, all right?
Oh, me too? Uh-huh.
- Get out of here! - Be right back.
- Did you see that? Did you see that? - Wow!
- Good to see you, man. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Fellas, he said he'll meet us here the day after tomorrow.
So he's a freak. How does that help us with Eva?
- Eva just needs a man. - Come on, now.
Remember, we tried that? Remember Rashaun? Yeah.
All I said was, you was a little uptight.
But I like that though.
So it was like a compliment in reverse.
Oh, reverse. Right. I see. Yeah. Yeah.
You feeling me. Yeah, sure.
Did you know that female spiders eat the male when she's done with him?
Yeah. They date, they laugh, and then she turns his ass into a crab cake.
Now, while the prospect of biting your head off makes me happy,
I am sure that ultimately you are not a Happy Meal.
So, I'm moving on to better cuisine.
Eva, wait. You're just gonna say good-bye?
Oh, no, it's not good-bye. It's hello in reverse.
Eva. Come on, girl.
- Eva put that man in the mental ward. - You're always exaggerating.
Eva drove the brother insane. I seen him last week.
Dude sound like Ron Hopper. Now he t-t-talk like th-th-this.
This can work with Ray. The boy is a specialist.
He is a master player.
Listen, Ray can get Eva to let go ofher sisters.
Then when it's just us and them, we can have all their love.
- Right, right. - We can get him to seduce her.
- Yes! - 'Cause all she really needs is some you- know-what.
Hold up. What Eva really needs is a sensitive man-
somebody that can help her with her personality problems.
What she needs is a dude that can hit that ass till she starts speaking in tongues.
Right, right, right. Can Ray do that?
Okay, later, after we finish doing it,
we're gonna lie together and hold each other and talk for a while, right?
Okay. We can do it, but I have to study. Come on.
Eva says if I stick to a study schedule - Don't say the "E" word.
- Not in this house. - I have to stick to my study schedule, okay?
All of us agreed. What is with you Dandridge women?
I love my sisters, okay? I'm sorry.
I love you too. It's just in a different way.
Okay. Then I demand that you love me the same way that you love them.
You and them- it's like apples and oranges.
What? Lady, I am your husband, okay? I pledged my life to you...
before God and a bunch of ugly - ass relatives I don't even like.
I gave up all my wild ways for you, and, baby, I had a hell of a lot of them.
I never told you about the roses and the butt-naked midgets or none of that shit.
I had midget pros in different area codes. Uh - huh.
Therefore, I demands to be a damn orange.
You can stop playing now. You know what? Fine.
If a brother can't be an orange, then you're cut off.
I'm cut off? For real? Yeah. That's right. Back up.
I'm cut off? You gonna cut me off? Don't touch me.
Don't do that. Don't do it. Oh, damn.
Don't do this. Don't.
Oh, damn, the flesh is weak. Oh.
- I have a dreadful problem. I need your help.
- Gosh, you're doing it. - How the hell did you get in here?
Jacqui gave me a key in case of an emergency.
- Are you okay? - Don't mind us. We're just having sex.
So I should just come back in, what, two minutes?
- Is it really important? - Get your ass out!
- Just give us one minute. - Oh,just one minute? Damn, it's worse than I thought.
Man, what the - She probably had a bad day or something.
Look, hold on. Where you going?
Eva needs me. But we need you too! No-
Wait a minute! Damn you, Eva!
- So,you two still talking about having a baby? - Shh.
Not so loud.
IfTim even hears the word "baby," he jumps on top of me.
Oh, that's just his male biological clock.
It's when a man begins having baby fever, like a woman.
I read about it in Psychology Today.
All I know is that every time we argue about it, he ends up drinking.
The drinking isn't serious, is it?
Well, you know, his father had a drinking problem. Mmm.
Mmm. Ah! What do you think I should do?
I don't like getting in married people's business.
There's nothing wrong with a grown man having an occasional drink.
Although a study did show that a drinking problem can be hereditary.
You don't want your baby coming out of the womb talking about, "Where the liquor at?"
It wouldn't be right.
Oh, hey, hey, hey. Baby, I was still drinking that.
Honey, I know, but you shouldn't drink so much, you know?
Eva and I werejust talking, and - This is not what you need.
Do you wanna do the breathing exercises Bethany talked about?
I don't wanna breathe. I just want a drink. I want that drink.
Baby, I don't like to bring up the past,
but you know that little problem your daddy has.
- I'm not my father. - Oh, sweetie, I know. I know.
It's just, tonight, no more drinking for me.
- Thank you. Thank you. - Baby, can I just-
Aw, come on, honey. Sing it with me. Please? No.
It's our theme song. Aw, party - poop. No. No. No. No.
Hey, I'm in here! Get out of here!
I hate that damn song! Yeah! Smell that! Ew!
This is Ray Adams, y'all. What's happening?
I thought you moved to Florida. I did.
I worked at a car dealership down there, but that was a year ago.
I never keep a job more than a year.
- I work for Jomo's Meats in L.A. now. - I know Jomo's.
Why do you quit your job every year? What's that about, brother?
Well, I have to service my many talents. Oh.
I was brought up an orphan. No mama, no daddy.
No ties. That's how I do it.
If you guys hadn't noticed, Ray is quite the player.
- As we saw the other night. - Yeah. Love your work, baby.
You ought to be exempt from taxes for that shit.
Nothing Mike couldn't do. No, I turned in my player card.
I'm practically engaged to a beautiful woman named Bethany.
Congratulations. Thank you, thank you.
She's gorgeous too, but not as fine as her sister, Eva.
- Yeah, I can't even front. - I wish I was good enough for Eva.
- I wish I was her garbage, man. Look. - Pow!
She's cute. But why is she scowling like that?
Her face is so tight. That's her sexy smirk.
She ain't scowling. Right. Right.
W-W-What's c-c-cracking, f-fellas?
Back over here, man. Don't pay the retard-
The drinking - He got out early. That's all.
Ray, how would you like to meet Eva?
- Is she giving it up? - "Is she giving it up?"
- Man, she's double-jointed. - She's lookin' up at her feet every night.
- Bumping her head on the headboard, all that. - That's right.
So I only have one question: What's wrong with her?
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
So three grown men walk into a bar...
to hook up a man for a perfectly good woman.
What is it? She got five kids, a violent ex - con boyfriend?
Is she one of those evil, nasty sisters who beats a brother down till he's dust?
- What is it? - It's the ex- con thing, bro.
- Darrell! - Ray, Ray, look, I gotta be honest with you.
Eva is a piece of work, but we're prepared to make it worth your while to take her out.
You're gonna pay me to go out with her?
Are you worried that that makes you look like a gigolo?
- No. I mean, I kind of like that aspect. - Okay!
All right. I'm in a financial bind.
My landlord is selling my house. I need cash to buy it.
Man, that is perfect. Then we all can benefit from this deal.
Here's what we need you to do: Take her out for a couple of months.
Not just distract her, but make her fall hard for you.
I can definitely do that. And I love a challenge.
Really, she can't be all that bad, can she?
Eva's sisters gave her a cross with Jesus on it for her birthday.
- The next day,Jesus was gone. - You're kidding, right?
No. When you do it, you have to make her fall in love with you,
then you tell her you're leaving town and get her to go with you.
- Then you can dump her. It'll take her years to relocate. - Yes!
Time out. I'm sorry. This ain't my kind of thing, you know.
I'm a lover, not a con man. Mike, let's hang out sometime, okay?
But, Ray- Get him a drink.
Take another look at her. That's not a zero.
But think about it, Ray.
You just had to bring up theJesus thing.
He got muscles. I didn't think he'd be scared of her.
Hey, I went out with that construction guy yesterday. The cute one?
Mm-hmm. And you know we ended up in the bed.
Did he have to take a number, or was the line moving briskly?
No, no, tell it, please. Ormandy, go.
Thank you, Eva. Honey, he dropped his pants,
and he whipped it out all proud.
And I said, "Oh, no. Where's the rest of it?"
Ya have to put man in place sometime, ya hear that?
- Did she just call me a bitch? - Right.
Listen, Eva, I need to have a little talk with you about the Dandridge fund.
Why is that, Michael? You're not in our family.
- But I'm almost in. - Almost isn't in, now, is it?
Mike, honey, do you really want to get into an argument...
with a woman in here, hmm?
Got some Frosted Mini-Wheats in your scalp. Hey! You're fine.
You're right, baby. You got that thing for me? Oh, yeah.
Fiber? "Fiber Power."
Are you okay, Mike? Is everything moving all right?
He's a little irregular. All right. You don't have to announce it.
- Hey, I got somethin'for that. - And if she can't fix you, I know I can.
You need to quit, Telly, 'cause I ain't even close to going your way.
Damn. Let me call headquarters.
Hello. Yeah, it's me. Listen, take Mike off the list.
Sixty-nine out. Ooh-hoo-hoo!
I should've never came to this place, better known as "Man Hell."
No, this is a female sanctuary.
- Way the whole world ought to be. Ain't that right, ladies? - Mm-hmm.
See you. Bye.
Get some milk for them cornflakes. Hey.
You should start making him take better care ofhimself if you guys are gonna get married.
He should get a colonic or see a specialist. And I know a good one.
Hey, got your order. Where do you want it?
Freezer number one. Make sure you stack them neatly.
Hello. Where's Leonard?
He's sick. I'm Oscar, the assistant manager.
Okay, Oscar, I'm Inspector Dandridge from the health department.
Yes, I've heard about you. Good. Then you know the drill.
Let's get clean.
It does not look good, Oscar.
I found contamination in red zones.
Your glass freezer door has a hairline break in it.
And I found black pellets behind the food containers in the back.
That is probably just graphite from the new units we put in.
Your water's only degrees. Can you just let that slide?
The requirement is because science tells us...
at that temperature all dangerous organisms will die.
That means in your water, some will live. And not just any germs, Oscar.
No. The bad-ass ones, the ones that can swim in - degree-temperature water...
and live to party on some child's french fries.
We don't serve fries. Are you mocking me?
No, ma'am. That's good, because I'm not done yet.
This entire kitchen gets a level four sanitation or you get written up.
What? No, that means it's in the newspaper.
Thank goodness for you I've got a soft heart. Heart?
You don't have a heart.
You got a hole with an ice pump in it. You know, I don't understand you.
Why do you have to be so goddamn uncompromising?
It's called principle, Oscar.
Maybe the world is in short supply, but I am not.
People pay their tax dollars for my principle...
so they can go into a restaurant and not eat chicken fried rat...
or bite into a bacon, lettuce and ptomaine sandwich.
If I slack up on you, then I have to cut everyone a break,
and pretty soon, the almonds on your salad have legs.
If that makes me uncompromising, well, I wear it as a badge of honor,
because I'm in damn good company.
Martin Luther King was uncompromising, Nelson Mandela was uncompromising,
and I'm sure your mother was uncompromising,
although the evidence of that is not apparent today.
So, why don't you think of me as your mom right now?
And Mama says, "Clean it up!"
See you in hours.
All right. I'll go on the date with Eva.
Mmm! Yes! Yes! What made you change your mind, Ray?
I saw her at a restaurant.
If I can get that woman, I'll go down in the Player Hall of Fame.
You sure will. Okay, okay.
So what's your price? I need five grand to get the house.
Five thousand dollars? I don't know, man. Hey, hey, hey-
Forty-five, what did you say about five thousand dollars?
Um, I said,
"Five pounds of collard greens, man.
No ham." Ordering soul food.
Five thousand dollars? Yes, man.
I saw her in action. You're getting off cheap.
I don't know. I gotta talk to the guys about this, Ray.
All right. Well, let me know. I'm ready.
Thank you. Thank you.
- I want to talk to you for a second, Eva. - What about, sir?
I was offered a position as deputy health inspector in Chicago.
- That's great. - I'm not taking the job,
but I think you should consider it.
The representative from Chicago's been here all week checking out my best inspectors.
- He liked you. Send in Mr. Tillman. - Yes, sir.
- Oh, goodness. - Hello, Eva.
- You were checking me out the other day. - Yes, I was.
And you were amazing.
You passed with flying colors.
I should have worn my diaper. Chicago's a tough town.
- We need our inspectors to have your intensity. - Okay!
- I'm at a loss for words. - And that doesn't happen often.
You don't have to say anything now.
I've still got a few more candidates in other cities to look at.
But I'll let you know in a few weeks when I make my decision.
Meeting you was... an experience.
Uh, Theo. Right. Bye.
That's great. I wanted your job, but this is way better.
- Oh, my God! - This will be very exciting for you.
Better job, more money in a new city.
Yeah, my sisters are-
- What? - Nothing.
I'm sure they're gonna be really happy for me.
Thank you for recommending me.
I will see you in two weeks. Thank you.
How come I can never get my toes done on girls'night?
'Cause it's only for the Dandridge sisters.
- And nobody wants to touch your funky-ass feet. -
Oh! Ladies, ladies, guess who I saw.
- Lucious Lucius. - Hmm.
I wouldn't mind seeing him again.
Me neither. I wonder if he's married.
Eva, are you okay?
Yeah, sure. Why wouldn't I be?
- Are you still stuck on Lucius? - No! G-God!
Come on. Ancient history. Eva,
once you give a man some of your energy, he always has it.
- Well, yeah. - Especially if he popped that cherry.
- Pop, pop, pop! - No, no, no!
- There was no pop, pop, popping of any cherries, Ormandy.
Lucius was my first, and I was his. That's all.
Listen, the best way to get over an old man-
Is to get under a new one.
Yeah! I am not thinking about Lucius.
Okay? It's girls'night, right?
I'm sure that a group of intelligent... women can come together...
and talk about something besides men.
Well, Tim did introduce me to somebody new in his department.
- Do you wanna meet him? - I do need a date...
to the mayor's formal fund-raiser in a couple weeks.
All right. I'll bite. What are his vitals?
Thirty-six, divorced, two kids. I hear he's in group therapy.
- Pass - Mmm. - Uh-uh.
Girl, messed-up men are the best ones.
- A messed-up man is redundant. - I don't need to be set up, okay?
I'm good. I prayed on this.
God- God is gonna take care of it.
God ain't shipping out no men.
Like hell he ain't. Look here, when you talk to God,
tell him a sister needs a tall, fine one.
- And not gay. - You know you want the soul pole.
No, he didn't. No, he didn't! Bam!
A star for a star.
You shouldn't let Eva stop us from moving in together, Beth.
See, I just don't sense that we're spiritually...
in tune with each other... completely.
And besides, we're not married. Hmm?
I'm not gonna propose just to spend the night.
Okay. Have I ever pressured you about that?
Of course not.
And Eva says cohabitation does not increase the chances of a lasting relationship.
Oh, my God. Will you stop it with the "Evaisms"?
That woman with her statistics and her philosophy- Mike, honey-
She's very intelligent. Don't hate on her for it.
If she's so smart, why doesn't she dissolve the fund...
and let you live your own lives with your own money?
You know what? This is stress. You wanna do some meditation, hmm?
No. No meditation.
Stress is why your colon is all clogged up.
Thanks to Eva's doctor, my colon is a freeway.
Look, all I wanna do is spend the night with you...
and not have to get up in the middle of the night like some criminal.
I enjoy spending time with you.
I love the way you blink.
I love that smile.
I love you.
I love you too.
But why should a man buy the software when he can download for free?
That is Eva talking. That is not you talking. No, actually-
Jacqui said it, but it doesn't matter.
You know, Eva took charge of the family after our parents died.
If we wanna have a child, it should be our decision, not Eva's.
All she said was that most marriages fail within the first five years.
Fifty-two percent. We've only been married for three.
If we had a baby and something were to go wrong,
then there's an innocent life hanging in the balance of our failure.
Nothing... is going...
to go... wrong.
Besides,you know I didn't have a good relationship with my father.
Honey, I know, but- And all I want...
is my chance... to be a good daddy,
to have a little brown bundle...
of love... and life.
And I want it because I love you.
Now, tell me, is that so wrong?
Honey, Eva gives great advice.
She put me through med school, you know?
God, do I know that!
You know what? You're not married to me.
You're married to Eva. I'm just a handyman with a penis.
Tim, like you ever fix anything around here!
What- What did I say?
I cannot believe we are paying five grand to this man.
Just think of it as an investment.
Once Eva's gone, we'll all be happy.
It was a great idea-you having him meet Eva at church.
- She is going to love that. - Well-
Fellas, I don't think we should be talking about this here.
God might hear us. God made Eva, so we're even.
Speaking of which, where is this guy?
Church is almost over.
Tim, this is a black church. It's never over.
Yo, what took you so long?
I'm not the churchgoing type. You people get up early.
Nice job with the choir, Eva, girl. They were bangin'.
You know, Reverend, your sermon today was great. I mean, bang-up job.
Although you did miss a word of that verse from the Book of Acts.
I think I was the only one who caught it, and, well, God, of course.
So I took the liberty of jotting down a few suggestions...
on how you can do better in the future. Say what?
My child, please. I appreciate that.
But you know what? I got this.
- Praise the Lord.
Praise him. Eva, we're all waiting for you.
Can't you see I'm busy, Michael? I am speaking with the reverend.
Oh, no, no, honey. Please, go.
Go back to your friends. Please- No. Go.
Actually, Reverend, I needed to talk to you and get your advice...
for a friend of mine who has a dilemma about a job she's considering.
Mmm. I've got people who have much bigger problems, Eva.
People whose souls need to be saved from eternal damnation. Stuff like that.
A soul lasts forever, Reverend, and this job may not.
Please, I need to tell her what to do. Tell your friend I-
Follow her heart.
Now, please, excuse me.
Eva, this is Ray Adams, a friend of mine.
Hello. Hello, Raymond.
Call me Ray. No one calls me Raymond. Well, I do, Raymond.
What's so funny?
I love a woman who speaks her mind.
My girlfriend's the same way.
Oh. Well, good for her.
Ray, I didn't know you were seeing anyone.
Oh, yeah, about six months now.
I see a friend of mine over there. It's nice to meet you. All of you.
What the hell was that, man?
Why did you tell her you had a woman? We gave you half the money.
If you're thinking about screwing us - Mmm! Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.
No woman wants a man who another woman doesn't already want.
The next time I meet her, I'll make my move.
I'm sure me and my girlfriend will be having trouble by then.
You're good. I should've known. Yeah.
Look, Tim is having some people over next week for a barbecue.
Why don't you come by? I will.
Just let the master handle his business.
By the way, I'm gonna need a little expense money.
Expenses for what? I need funding to take Eva on a date.
What about the five grand? That was my fee.
"Fee." "Expenses." See how the words are different?
Three hundred should do it. Three hundred?
Three hundred dollars?
All right. Fine. Fine.
But you're on it. Like wet paint.
- Ray was pretty fine. - Yeah, and he has a girlfriend. - Leave him alone.
- All the good prospects are all taken. - Or gay.
You should always use an opportunity like this to swoop on a man.
When Mr. Mason left his wife last year, I jumped right on it.
- Ormandy, Mr. Mason is . - Are you crazy? See, an old man is a perfect man.
You give him a little Viagra so he can handle his business,
and right before he gets on your nerves, honey, he dies and leaves you his cash.
That's like having a dick with a lottery number on it! Yeah!
- Mm-mmm, that's nasty. - Eva isn't a home wrecker.
So don't worry about them. You can do much better.
- Jacqui, you are always blocking on Eva. - I do not.
You do too. You're spoiled.
- You always wanna keep Eva to yourself. - No, that's ridiculous.
- Isn't that, Eva? - Of course it is, honey.
Jacqui, you are a big-ass baby.
- The queen ofbig-ass babies. - So why are you guys always ganging up on me?
- Because you're an evil, twisted little heifer. - Twisted!
- Ladies, is this how we behave? - It has been this way since we were little!
When you cut off my baby doll's head when I was !
You broke my Boo-Boo Kitty, so the bitch had to die!
- I'm moving to Chicago.
- Eva, what did you just say? - I'm moving to Chicago.
I might be getting a betterjob and moving...
My boss told me the other day.
Come on. I mean, it's deputy health inspector of Chicago!
It's a great opportunity.
Look, I've been looking for a way to tell you guys.
So there it is... in a nutshell.
Th-That- That's great for you.
Yeah, it- it is.
Girl, there's some fine brothers up in Chicago.
So you're just gonna up and leave, just like that?
No, I have to get the job first.
I'll find out in a few weeks. Oh, I'm sorry.
First you get the job, then you pack up and leave like a thief in the night?
You're just gonna leave us like that? Do not attack Eva.
She has sacrificed for us. I'm not!
Okay, okay, stop!
Please, stop it! Stop it!
If you don't want me to go, Jacqui, I won't.
- It's not my decision. - It is if you're gonna hate me for it.
I don't wanna lose your friendship, any of you.
Jacqui doesn't mean it, do you?
I do want you to be happy, Eva.
So if going... makes you happy,
- You promise?
I love you, sister. I love you too, sister.
Mm-hmm. We so pretty, perfect and shit.
Hey, make sure you cook that meat thoroughly.
I'd hate to tell you what kind of things live in raw meat.
Please don't. Thank you very much.
Babe. Is he eating those beans again?
What's wrong? I see Darrell found my spicy baked beans.
- Give him the Heimlich. - Separates the men from the boys.
- He knows better. - No. See, give him some bread, you guys. Bread.
Baby, here, eat this. Eat this. Here, here, here.
If you wanna help, stop making these damn beans every function, Eva!
- What did you put in that stuff? - Special recipe.
- It's only for a real man. - I just wanna hear him talk.
Give him some more beans. Can he talk?
Oh, hey. I didn't know Mike's friend was coming.
Oh, baby, listen. Why don't you take care of this?
I'm gonna go over and say hello. Okay.
Excuse me, Eva. Thankyou.
Ray, what's up? Yo!
He's really fine, Eva.
I'm not impressed by that... much.
You say hi to Ray, man?
Give him a chance. You gotta bend a little, girl.
Are you saying I'm not accessible?
Yes, that is what I'm saying, Eva.
You know, you're too good of a person to be alone.
What's going on? Everything's cool? Yeah.
I'm your sister, I love you, and I'm asking you to bend.
Okay, but it's the fine ones who leave you broke,
with bad credit and a hair weave you don't need.
Hello again, Eva. Hi, Raymond.
Look here, I hope you don't mind, but I invited Ray.
No, he's most welcome.
Look, I have to go tell Darrell something.
I'll be right back.
Yeah, you know what? These - We don't need to cook these.
Good to see you.
So, Raymond, what is it that you do again?
I deliver meat... forJomo's.
Meat delivery. Interesting.
Jomo's deals in only premium meats, high-end clientele.
What about you? I'm a health inspector.
- That sounds interesting too. - I need a gurney for my ass.
See the man with flames coming out of his ass?
We're gonna need backup. Thank you. Squeeze and pull.
- How about we go get a plate of food? - Sure. A nice hot one.
Two minutes and she has not insulted him.
This could be very promising. Mm-hmm. They feel good together to me.
So, you wanna go out with me sometime?
Is your girlfriend coming too? 'Cause we could all play canasta...
or Parcheesi or Taboo or something.
Well, she's, uh-
Actually, it's not working out. We're not together anymore.
As one car breaks down, you just hop into another one?
I'd like to think that going out with you is riding in a limo.
- I'm sorry. Did I insult you? - No. No, it was very funny.
I just don't laugh a lot.
Lord, help me. That's a good-looking man.
I can't keep my legs together.
The sun comes up and you can't keep your legs together.
Telly. He's got sneaky eyes.
Jacqui, don't you start.
I didn't make the man's eyes all beady and shifty. Shh!
- What? - You never answered my question.
What question was that? Will you go out with me?
Look, Raymond, I know we just met, and you seem like a really nice guy,
but I think I should tell you a little something about myself. Okay.
I know the one thing that scares men to death.
- What's that? - I know the truth about them.
And the truth is, most men don't really know what they want.
I've been through all the basic types.
The playa-playas, who think women are disposable toys.
The confused man, who doesn't know if he wants to date you or your brother.
The lazy ones, who live with their mother and expect you to pick up the check.
So if you really wanna go out with me,
realize that it means being a gentleman,
understand that it means respecting my mind, body and spirit.
Eva, I'm not afraid of you.
And I wanna go on record as saying I totally respect...
your mind and your spirit.
- What about my body? - It's beautiful.
- But will you respect it? - I'll do anything to it you want me to.
Look at that. The corners of your mouth actually turn up.
A smart-ass. I like that.
So, will you go out with me?
He's eating the beans. He's eating the beans.
Oh, no, brother. Don't do it, brother.
Whoo! That's good. That's really good.
- Kareenah sure can cook, huh? - Actually, I made those beans.
You put your foot in them, girl. Damn, I love spicy food.
- How about we go out this weekend? - Sounds good.
You're late. I know.
I left early, but there was a real bad accident on the street.
- Who told you I like lilies? - Sometimes a man gets lucky.
Looks like somebody likes-
I was noticing all the pictures of the horses.
You look good.
I love horses. And thank you.
Here, uh, let me take these from you.
You ever see the accident rates on these things?
They're very dangerous. No.
That's why I drive this. Okay.
You're joking, right?
This is what you drive when you take out a woman?
Yeah. It's clean and it's free.
I'm saving to buy a house. Oh.
I can understand that. Home ownership is very important.
Does your mother live with you? No.
My boss has been hinting he might want to slow down.
Let somebody run the day-to-day for him.
I think he might want me to do it. That's great. When do you start?
I'm thinking about it. There is nothing wrong with a little ambition.
I was a secretary in my department. Now I'm the lead inspector.
I gave myself five years to get there. I did it in four.
There you go, doing that thing you do with your face again.
Just drive your meat wagon, man.
Did you hear about the black caveman they found?
They knew he was black by the curve of his jaw, length of his spine,
Cadillac he was buried in.
You tell me a joke now. I'm not a jokey-joke type person, so-
Okay. How about a little music?
All right, all right.
I love this record.
This must be a pretty good restaurant, you being a health inspector and all.
Oh, yeah. Most places I can't even go to.
They try to poison me. But this place - Oh, God, it's different.
The manager has O.C.D. Obsessive-compulsive disorder.
He cleans all day long. You could eat off the floors.
Sounds appetizing. Oh, you think that's funny?
Did you know that if food isn't prepared just right...
your throat can close up and you can drown in your own vomit?
Oh, I'm hungry now.
Mmm!Just like Mama used to make.
Okay. That's really funny, Raymond, but I know when somebody's choking.
You can stop now.
Oh, my God. Call !
That's not the hug I was hoping for, but it'll do for now.
I'm just playing.
Is everything all right? Yes.
Yes. My friend here was just telling a littlejoke.
- What are you doing here? - Well, well, Inspector Dandridge.
Now, you-you manage the Red Leaf restaurant across town.
Oh, no, not after your last inspection.
I was fired for a broken light bulb in a freezer. Remember?
No. No, no, no, I don't want you.
I want the man with O.C.D.
Eva, relax. It's all right.
The old manager's not here. How's that salad working?
You know, we used our special house dressing just for you.
- Creamy, isn't it? - I'm not eating here. Let's go.
I'm sure it's okay. Did you hear what I just said?
I am not eating here. Let's go! Okay. Okay.
Don't forget to validate.
Don't be mad at me. I just wanted to stay.
And have her put things in my food?
I don't think so, pal. I just think you overreacted a little bit.
You're a civil servant, not the F.B.I.
Well, excuse the hell out of me.
Why don't you tell me about the demanding world of meat delivery?
So, you just basically pick it up and deliver it to a guy named Bob?
Or is there some sort of math involved? You don't need to be so nasty.
Oh, there is definitely a need for me to get nasty.
My job is serious. It is not a hobby.
Guess what, meat boy? I'm sure my job pays more than yours does.
So in my eyes, the eyes of society and the I.R.S.,
that makes me bigger and better than you.
So why don't you think about that the next time you're out...
doing the complex work of toting around a pig's ass.
'Cause that's like a family thing.
You know, with the thing - Excuse me.
Hello. Kareenah, it's Eva. I need to talk.
It's Eva. And Kareenah. We got an emergency.
Jacqui, it's Eva.
And Kareenah. And Bethany. Code seven, girl.
- What's up? - The date was catastrophic.
Wait till I tell you what happened. This fool had the nerve to-
- What the hell went wrong? - Kareenah was falling in love with having a baby.
And me and my wife were cuddling. I mean,
I was hitting it real manly, and I didn't get to finish.
They had a four-way phone conference about your date all night.
I thought you was the master player. The master player.
I can't get to her. Most women have a few barriers around their hearts.
Eva has an electrified fence with rabid pit bulls. Okay?
And that mouth! My ears are still bleeding.
We got to do something about this, 'cause we can't have Eva messing up our plan.
Ray, listen, all you have to do is find a way to get back on her good side. That's all.
- He's gotta sleep with her. That's what you gotta do. - Yeah, that's it.
Look, I would love to have another shot with her, all right?
My pride was hurt. But I'm sure it's out of the question.
What, you don't like women? Watch yourself now.
- You have to have sex with her. - I don't think that's the answer.
Oh, man, he don't like women! I told you this dude was-
Hey, hey! I do like women, all right? How are you?
Look, fellas, I'm sorry,
but there's no way she's gonna go out with me again.
Hmph. No way. I'll give you your money back.
You're damn right you will.
'Cause I'm in damn good company.
Martin Luther King was uncompromising.
Nelson Mandela: uncompromising.
And so am I. Here is your citation. Eva.
What, Raymond? I am working. So am I.
And you're right. There's no math involved.
Why did I stop her from leaving?
It wasn'tjust curiosity that made me go after her.
Now that I'm dead, I know it was something special about Eva.
I know you're upset with me, but I want you to go out with me again.
And why is that? 'Cause you're pretty.
That's the most shallow thing I've ever heard.
It's not like I got to really know you. So basically, I'm working on beauty here.
Well, you know what? I am so much more than what's on the outside, okay?
More than what appeals to some... meat man.
And thank you for the compliment.
I feel like I owe you. We can do anything you want.
Anything? Anything. Sky's the limit.
Wait. Okay. Okay. Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa! Oh, God. Oh, God. Hang on! Hang on!
My ass feels like it got caught in a blender.
You did good. You only fell what, four times?
I have a confession to make. I used you.
I can't afford to come here all the time.
I come but once a month when I save my pennies.
When you asked to go out again, I didn't really want to, but...
I thought, you know-
I guess that makes me a bad person, right?
No. I just wanted to make up for the other night.
Did you know I wanted to be a horse trainer when I was a little girl?
No. But I could have guessed.
I had to take care of my sisters, and a beginning horse trainer doesn't pay big bucks,
so I took a job with the city and another as a waitress.
And there you go. Steady pay checks.
So why didn't you go back to it after your sisters were okay?
You know what? Let's do something you want to do.
I have to say, this is exactly how I thought you'd be living.
What, you got something against pool?
No, but a sofa wouldn't kill you, would it?
So how does a meat delivery man...
afford a nice place like this?
He struggles and makes do.
Did I tell you my boss and I are going to the mayor's mansion...
so we can show him cuts for a private dinner he's having?
You're doing a meat show for the mayor?
Meat presentation. There's a subtle difference of humiliation.
So you never did answer my question:
why you didn't go back into horse training after your sisters got on their feet?
I don't want to talk about it, okay?
It's hard to get to know someone when they won't talk to you.
You know, we're having a really good time right now, Raymond.
Let's just drop it, okay?
Did you know...
that I was an orphan just like you and your sisters?
My mom gave me up after I was born. I don't think she even knew who my father was.
Yeah, so that explains it,
why the idea of staying in one place scares you so much.
Scares me? I said I was a multi - talented guy that liked to travel.
- I didn't say I was scared. - I read about it.
When a child is abandoned,
he becomes afraid that his entire life will fall apart again.
I don't think you should feel bad about it.
It's a completely natural reaction.
Okay then. I won't feel bad about it.
What about you?
Our parents died in a car accident when I was .
Insurance paid for the house,
and we started a bank account that we called the Dandridge fund.
I guess as they grew older,
I settled into this cushy little life I have now.
And I didn't wanna go back and chase dreams of becoming a horse trainer.
So I guess if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger, huh?
I think what people mean when they say that...
is that you deal with whatever pain that you have by building a bridge over it...
with all the things that life hasn't taken away from you.
So if it doesn't kill you, it makes you build a bridge.
Yeah. Yeah. That's good. I like that. I'm gonna use that.
You should be proud of yourself.
No. I'm proud of my sisters.
What about you, Eva? I know all that devotion cost you.
There was this guy, Lucius Johnson. Lucius.
Anyway, he was our local Mr. Everything.
You know. We were young, but it was serious.
We were gonna get married, and Ready for the World was gonna sing at our wedding.
But... he asked me to choose between him and my sisters.
And when I didn't choose him, he dumped me. Why didn't you choose him?
Because my sisters needed me more than he did, and what I needed didn't matter.
So, what about you, Raymond? What has the tragedy in your life given you?
Just cough up the damn money so I can get goin'.
Uh, okay. I didn't mean to interrupt.
- Yeah, you never do, Mike. - Pay you on the bet later, Mike.
No problem, Ray.
It's all good, baby.
Mike's a lucky pool player. That I am.
Look, I'm gonna let you two get back to your date.
See you later.
You know, Mike and his little buddies are not fooling me.
I didn't think so. No. They set us up, you and me.
They want us to date so I'll stay out of their hair.
You might not believe this. They don't really like me very much.
I didn't get that. Really?
So, uh, do you mind that they set you up with me?
Just show me how to hit the ball straight.
You want me to show you how to hit the ball straight? Yeah.
First, hold the stick straight.
That's it. Now slide the stick between your fingers.
Eva never misses our night.
Something must have happened.
- Maybe she had an accident. - Oh, please. Eva would call from the ambulance.
- Eva's with Ray. - What?
But... she hates him. We all agreed.
- How do you know that? - She called me on her cell phone to say that...
she and Ray were going horseback riding.
- I guess it went well. - Horses? Three words: e- rot-ic.
Horses make me feel all tingly.
Shut up. Shut up.
Oh, my God.
Eva has a man.
- Hey, guys. - Eva.
Chi-town is calling you.
I don't know what to say. Um, wow.
Can I have some time to think about it?
- Sure, but why? This is a great opportunity. - I know, I know.
A lot's changed in my life since all this happened.
I know how relocation can be.
Take some time. Thanks.
Ray, you are the messiah.
I haven't seen Eva in a week, bro.
And Kareenah and I are having baby talk, my blood pressure's down,
and fellas, I do believe I am growing another penis.
Eva's cool because Ray got her into bed. Right, player?
That's right. No, no. We're just hanging out.
- He's modest. - Now you have to tell her you're moving to another state...
so she can get out of our lives forever.
Yeah. Tell her you're going to somewhere like Delaware.
Can't nobody find that shit on the map. I know I can't.
- Do you have to be so gleeful about it? - What did he say?
Hey, Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray.
- You gotta be tough. You gotta stay strong for all of us. - Yeah.
Men who get away with shit are the backbones of this here country, Ray.
Yeah, life, liberty and getting away with shit, Ray.
Did you know that Eva does charity work, teaches Bible studies?
She loves animals. She rides this horse named Romeo.
He reacts to her like he understands.
We didn't say she was a bad person. We said she was an irritating person.
Yeah, and that horse is probably retarded, man.
- I'm just saying- - Just saying what, Ray?
We had a deal, Ray.
- Remember your motto? Player first- - Women second.
- Now, are you the man or what, Ray? - Come on, Ray.
You're not hearing me. Are you the man or what, Ray?
- You know I'm your man. - Yeah! All right!
That's a player. I wasn't worried.
That's my money working right there.
Eva, you flying solo tonight?
Yeah, my boyfriend Ray had some kind of inventory thing tonight, so-
So you given any thought to the offer?
I'm still thinking about it, sir.
Don't let me rush you, Eva. We do have a small window here.
I'll keep that in mind. Thanks.
Um, let me get a white wine spritzer, please.
You got it.
Eva. Eva Dandridge?
- Lucius? - I thought that was you. How you been?
I'm fine, Lucius. It's nice to see you again.
I want you to meet somebody.
My wife, Renee. Baby, this is Eva.
- The one I told you about. - Oh, the love of his life.
I've heard so much about you. I hate you.
Yeah, Eva and I were engaged after high school, but it didn't work out.
- You dumped me, Lucius. - Right. Didn't you have to go work for your baby sisters?
Eva,you broke Lucius's heart.
Thank God you did though. Or else I never would have got him.
These are our kids.
They're cute. Real cute.
I'm assistant to the mayor now. Hired me right out of General Motors.
At a very generous salary.
- So, Eva, what is it that you do? - I'm a health inspector.
Great. So you go look at dirty kitchens and public restrooms...
and stufflike that?
- Sounds fascinating, girl. - It pays the bills, yeah.
So where's your date?
He's running late.
Sorry, baby. I had that thing.
You okay? Yeah.
Hi. Ray Adams.
How you doing, man? Lucius Johnson. My wife, Renee. Hello.
Lucius. Heard a lot about you.
- So how long you two been going out? - Not long.
I was in Africa on business. The city is trading with the brothers over there.
I came all the way back to escort Eva.
I had no idea the city of Los Angeles was a trade partner in Africa.
You wouldn't. It's on the highest levels of city government.
Really? Well, let's hear all about this so-called trade program.
Ray, shush. It's fun time now. Mr. Mayor!
Ray, how is my main man? Good, sir. Good, good.
Good to see you. This is my date, Eva.
So this is Eva?
Ray, you didn't do her justice.
Thank you, sir.
- And this is, uh, Lumpy and Reeses. - Lucius and Renee, sir.
I'm one of your new assistants and I thought that - Ray.
I want you to bring this beautiful young lady up to the house sometime.
Will do, sir. Great to meet you.
Nice to meet you too. Thank you, sir. Thank you.
Ray, my man. I'm sorry about that-
You can have a rain check on kissing my ass, Leo.
I have to dance with the prettiest girl here.
Right. Good seeing you again, Eva.
If you don't stop staring at her,
I'm gonna slap the taste out of your mouth.
Was that okay? The question is, how did you do it?
Well, first I got home from work early,
then I watched you from across the room looking like you wanted to die.
Okay. And what about the mayor?
I did a hell of a meat presentation for him. Remember? That's right.
He's a really nice guy. I only had to beg him once.
You know you look good in that tux, right?
Your hair looks fine.
Thank you. Bethany did it. Really?
I should go by there one day. No. Promise me you will not go in there.
You know, you're a good dancer.
You know. Body movement's my specialty.
You know, they once banned dipping in some countries...
because it was considered a form of foreplay.
I didn't know that.
You learn something new every day, huh? Yeah.
How long do you wanna stay here?
After watching Lucius grovel,
What you wanna do?
I bought it just for you.
Just a second. Let me get this off.
No, Eva. Don't take your clothes off.
You wanna do it with them on? I'm into that. Let me hike this up.
No. No, no, no, no. I can't do this.
The bulge in your pants didn't get that memo, so-
No, no, no, no. I- I need to tell you something.
Yes. Whatever it is, yes. Yes. No, look.
I don't wanna move too fast.
Fast? No. The average American couple has sex on their third date, and...
we have been dating way, way, way longer than that.
Look, you've been through so much stuff with men.
And I don't wanna mess things up. I want it to be perfect.
I just think we should wait a while.
I have to respect that, don't I?
Yeah, I guess you do.
I have to go.
Please, don't be mad at me. No, I'm not. It's just-
I just never had a guy who cared so much about my feelings. It's kind of-
Oooh. It's making me want you even more.
And if I don't leave right now,
I'm gonna start saying all kinds of hot, nasty, dirty things.
How hot and nasty? Real freaky.
Go. Go. Oh, God. Okay.
Stay. Yeah? Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Did I hurt you? Yes.
But I liked it. Yeah?
Maybe next time we'll actually make it to the bed.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
That was good.
I wanted to say, the stuff I said before, I just wanted to apologize.
I mean, how I acted.
That was a beautiful apology.
The best part was when you called me Ray.
That's 'cause there's not a lot of need to be formal right about now.
'Cause I'm a big ho.
If you really wanna make it up to me, tell me a joke.
No. I'm not a good joke teller. I'm terrible. That's what makes it so special.
Okay. Oh, God. Okay. Okay. Okay.
This guy goes to a zoo, right?
You're gonna like it. Okay, he goes to a zoo.
And he sees this gorilla. Okay.
Okay. And he says to the gorilla, "Yo, brother. Can you give."
No. He says, "Yo, brother. Can you loan-"
Yeah. "Yo, brother. Can you loan me a dollar?"
And the gorilla says, "That's why I don't wear pants."
Right. Oh, my God.
Don't you get it? The pants and the gorilla.
Yeah. Best joke I ever heard.
Best joke I ever heard. I forgot about that joke.
Oh, my God. Oh, my goodness.
Thinking about what you told me about your parents.
God, I mean, my folks died, but I had my sisters to live for, you know?
I just think it might be-
it might be easier for you to get over your fear of building a life...
if you had someone there to help you do it.
You wanna be my bridge.
It's not like I wanna get married to you or anything.
I can- I can be a really good friend, that's all.
You give me your body, and then you offer me your friendship?
My priorities are straight. Thank you very much.
I'm offering you the best of me right now.
I'm not the person you think I am.
I know most women think their man is the one that's different.
None of us are different.
I'm just like other men.
Maybe not as good as most.
I want you to think about what it would take to build a bridge with me.
I can handle it, Ray. Okay? I can handle it.
As long as you keep giving me what I need, I am good.
You got all you want? Yeah.
That. That. A whole lot of that.
A lot of that? A lot of that.
And all the other stuff too.
You hear me?
How can I turn down a deal like that?
Hey, girl. Nice shoes.
Ormandy. You look good.
Telly, baby, give me some love.
Eva, what has gotten into you?
- Not "what," "who." - What are you wearing?
- Eva, you're glowing. - What did you do?
Shit, I ain't sharing my "bidness" with you.
- Oh, my God. She said "shit. " - And "bidness."
- She gone mad to her ass. - Y'all need to stop trippin'. I'm just in a good mood.
It's a beautiful day out. I'm with my girls. Stop sweatin' me. My joints is hot.
And my cakes is moist.
Can a sister get some water, or a fan or iceberg or something?
- Okay, Eva, for real. You're scaring me. - Did you and Ray do it or not?
he did show up at the mayor's fund- raiser.
Just when I was trapped by Lucius Johnson...
and his wife.
- You saw Lucius? What did you do? - Nothing. Ray did it.
He put that little sucker in his place.
Excuse me, is there like some, um, boning...
or salad tossing or something in this story? Stop it.
Come on. Okay. After he rescued me,
we danced all night long.
just pelvis to pelvis.
And then we went back to my place...
and had a nice respectable evening.
And then we burned a hole in the floor!
Wow. There's my baby. Let's get freaky- deaky.
Come on, to the bedroom. Follow me.
You know what Eva told me? Here we go.
She told me that Ray drives his old van from his job to save money.
So what? I mean, what's that got to do with freaky-deaky?
I don't feel like I sacrifice like Ray does.
You know, when I need to get back into being focused on school.
Look. First off, Ray and Eva, they ain't you and me.
I know that. They're not married.
They ain't phone-boning. They're not having sex. None of that.
Actually, they do have sex.
He hit that? Mm-hmm.
And from what I hear,
you could take a little lesson from him in that department.
What's that supposed to mean? He got some tricks and shit?
I seen the dude lickin' his lips and stuff.
Come on, sexy. Let's play doctor. Tim, listen to me, all right?
I have been thinking a lot about Ray and Eva.
And how they have this wonderful new relationship, right?
And it's made me think about myself and the plan that I had for my life...
and how I let it go.
What? But, baby, I threw all my condoms out.
I'll get you some more. They're on sale at Target.
Come on, Kareenah! Sweetie, listen.
I am ready. Baby, I am so damn fertile that if you kiss me you'll get pregnant.
This isn't like buying a coat. If you have a baby,
you can't give it back if you don't want it.
Who said that, Ray or Eva? I don't remember.
Honey, why is my potpourri on the bed?
See- Get the DustBuster.
It was- I was gonna- It's hot in here.
Baby, I thought we've been through this already.
Ray and Eva have a good relationship and they don't cohabitate.
Oh, my God. That's all I've been hearing lately. Ray and Eva. Ray and Eva.
It's not like they're Will and Jada or George and Weezy.
They each have their own place. They have respect for each other.
Ray doesn't even care about Eva. I paid-
I paid close attention to him. He does not like her.
Sure. That's why Ray calls her every day.
That's why they have lunch together three times a week.
That's why Eva's thinking about passing on a new job to stay. What job?
Eva was offered a new job in Chicago.
But she's gonna say no because she found Ray.
- Ain't that a- - But here's something that'll make you happy.
- We're dissolving the Dandridge fund. - Really? That's great.
- Eva's gonna keep it all. - What?
You know. She has a new life, a new man. She's gonna need that money. Okay, baby.
Here's all your stuff. Let yourself out, okay? Love you.
Is there something wrong?
I took your advice and convinced my boss to let me run his company.
He told me I could start next week.
He did? That's great. Congratulations.
That's good news, right?
You made me realize I can't run from myself.
It's like someone gave me a pair of glasses...
that filter out all the foolishness and stupidity in my life.
What have I given you for that gift, Eva?
You taught me how to trust again, Ray. I wouldn't call that nothing.
And you've helped me come to a decision of my own.
Baby, if you're gonna be here,
then this is exactly where I wanna be.
Crossed the line with Eva, didn't you, Ray? No.
Don't lie, you lyin' bald- headed son of a bitch.
All I did was what you paid me for.
And now that Eva's in a relationship, our women are even worse.
Everything that you do comes back on us.
And Eva's keeping all the money, Ray.
That's not my fault. Like hell it ain't your fault, Ray!
Something's wrong with you, Ray. You've been having too much damn fun with Eva.
You haven't asked for any expenses lately. Why's that?
You pay for the woman. You must like the woman.
That's ridiculous. I'm a player. I'm on the job. What's in the garment bag, Ray?
Nothing. A suit. I got a promotion at work.
A promotion? That is Eva all the way. No, that's me.
Then what the hell is this? Tupperware.
That's Eva's middle name.
I just needed to organize a few things.
Organization is Eva's second middle name.
Look, Eva got a job offer in Chicago.
You're gonna dump her. That way, she has no reason to stay here, get it?
Yes. Say "yes," Ray. She's staying because of me?
Uh-uh. She's staying because you boned her. You boned her!
We know all about it, partner. And that is like stealing from your job.
You have embezzled the booty. Now, look.
You're gonna call her tomorrow, and you're gonna tell her it's over.
No. He did not just say "no," did he?
- No, I said "no." - Listen, now! Hold up for a second!
You're supposed to be a master player. You forgot the rules.
Players don't feel. That's like a pimp with a health plan, brother.
Mike, where did you find this big-ass bamba, man?
You done went from DMX to Babyface on us, man. What's up with that?
Wait. They done gave you a copy of their theme song.
They done made you an orange. Okay, okay, look.
I'm sorry. I do like her, all right?
I had to open my heart to get to her, and when I did, she got to me first.
- I think I might love her. - Love?
Love is an excuse, an alibi, a justification for sex.
But it is not something that should stop a man from keeping his promise, Ray.
Look. I'm sorry, fellas.
I'm going to see Eva tonight,
and the least I can do is tell her in person what I did.
So... that's it.
Come on. Let's go.
So, is she real good, man? Does she have some methods that she did?
'Cause I'm trying to getJacqui-
This is bull-
Thank you, Thomas. No problem.
I need to get up out of here so y'all can get back to dissin' us brothers.
I know how y'all is. Excuse us?
Aw, man. Y'all females be trippin', man.
Look. First y'all drive men away,
then y'all wanna bitch and moan when y'all ain't got one.
Hold up. Hold up. Code .
You know why I complain, Thomas?
- 'Cause I need a real man. - Here we go.
I need a real man, not a child or a boy.
Give me a hard rock, not a soft little toy. Wow.
You think women are hard? You think we're evil and mean?
- Well, I think maybe you don't need us. - Maybe you on the wrong team.
So I need a real man, and my standards are high.
Don't like what you just heard? Then you need not apply.
Wait a second. Fresh meat.
Come on. Leave 'em alone, ladies.
Mike. Honey, is something wrong? I got some bad news.
It's, uh- It's about Ray.
Ray! My Ray?
What- Is he okay?
Some story, huh? Well, it's not quite complete.
We got three hours before the funeral, fellas. Is all the food and water okay?
Everything is okay. Darrell, where did you find this place?
This is an old postal storage warehouse, but we don't use it anymore,
not till now.
Look here, Ray. You got everything you need. You even have two bathrooms.
Bucket number one, and bucket number two.
You'll be a little gamey in a few days, but you'll be alive.
This won't work. Oh, yes it will, baby muscles.
See, you've died in a car accident according to this police report.
Show him. Right here. Yeah, yeah.
Eva needed to know that your body was immediately cremated.
What about my family? Did you think about that, smart guys?
You ain't got no relatives, Ray, and very little friends, thanks to your job-hopping.
And Eva took that job in Chi-town after she found out you were dead.
It's not fair for you to make her leave under a lie.
It wasn't fair for you to screw us on that deal.
No, Ray. Let him go. Let him go!
Come on. Fellas, fellas, fellas, listen.
Listen. Maybe we need to just think about this for one minute, all right?
No, you think about this. It's our word against his.
By the time he tells Eva the truth, she'll be long gone.
And then we can say we didn't know anything about this sick joke that he played on her.
What the hell are you doing falling in love with Eva?
I think it's 'cause she got some good booty, man. See all that aggression he got in him?
That's 'cause he ain't gettin' none. Let's go.
Come on, Tim.
Tim, come on!
First of all, I'd like to thank all of you for coming today.
You know, Ray and I didn't really know each other very long,
but... in that short amount of time,
we became really close.
You know, when someone enters your life,you-
you don't really know how it changes you...
until they're gone.
I thought you said this was gonna be a simple funeral.
Who are all these people?
Eva. She invited all her friends from work.
Where the hell does Eva work at, Soul Train?
Look at all these black people in here. It's packed.
Look.Just hang in there. It's gonna be okay. I promise.
invited my friend Valerie from my church choir...
to sing a song.
Lord, it's a miracle.
Oh, my God. Baby.
What happened? Oh, my God.
This whole thing was a lie. It's all a lie.
No, I wasn't in on this, okay? Y'all did this on your own.
Tim, Mike and Darrell... faked my death...
so that you'd leave town. That's a lie!
Eva, he wanted to dump you, but he didn't have the guts to tell you face-to-face.
That's what happened. Mm-hmm. Ray?
Is that true?
No, it isn't. Don't, Tim!
- Please! - It's over.
Eva, we did take Ray.
And we lied about him being dead.
This is the best funeral I've ever been to in my life. You got that right.
It's not their fault. Like hell it isn't.
have yet to feel my rage.
Eva,you don't understand.
It's because of me.
The only reason I went out with you...
is because they paid me to.
I was supposed to... make you like me,
then trick you into moving away.
But I didn't know you then.
I didn't realize how wonderful you are.
How much you changed me, make me wanna change.
I know I was wrong, but...
what we have is bigger than all the mistakes I've made.
I'm certain of that.
How much did they pay you?
Eva, that's not- How much?
Five thousand dollars.
But, Eva, I'm giving them that money back, and I promise-
You are exactly who I thought you were.
So, I guess you're single now, huh?
Eva, please. Let me have a minute. Stalker!
Sixty seconds, Eva. Okay, okay, one minute. Go, Raymond.
Raymond? How did I get all the way back to Raymond? Right.
I don't want you to stop being mad.
I understand how you feel.
I'm upset, too, at myself.
But we need to remember what we're losing here. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
I know you still have feelings for me.
I have feelings for you.
Life is hard, Eva. We both passed up on a lot of good things.
We are too wise for that now.
I am never, ever gonna find another woman like you.
I love you.
You know what I learned about love, Raymond?
It isn't a virus that infects you. It's a choice.
We choose to be in love, and we choose what love makes us do.
I earned your choice, and you stole mine.
I was ready to give up my entire life for you,
and all you were ready to do was let me.
So are you sure?
Are you sure you love me?
Or are you just upset that...
I found out what you were...
and... made a different choice?
That's what I thought. Excuse me, I have travel plans.
What's up, fellas?
Eva, you don't have to rub it in.
We've been trying to apologize to your sisters for weeks. They still hate us.
My sisters love you.
They love you so much.
I was just a distraction and a huge pain in the ass.
And I am so sorry.
We dissolved the Dandridge fund and split it up yesterday.
Let's go home. Let's get out of here.
And I can read you a book.
Yeah. As long as it's not a scary book.
I don't like scary books.
Maybe we could have some, uh- some make-up sex.
Don't worry. I have plenty of protection.
We don't need it.
I wanna do this right now before I lose my nerve.
What are you doing?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
Will you? Yes.
You know what? We should all go to dinner. Eva, let's - Yeah.
Holy mother of God.
I quit my job, sold my house and bought him.
You shouldn't have. I can't be bought.
I got him a home in a stable just outside of town. It's paid up for a year.
Are you even listening to me?
Yes. Now you listen to me.
You said love is a choice. Well, I love you.
And I'm not leaving. I'm gonna show up at your job every day.
I'm gonna send you gifts, and tell you I'm sorry...
until you understand that I will not live without you.
Or until you call the cops on me, but...
even that won't stop me.
Excuse me, ma'am. Is this your animal?
Yes, Officer. This is my horse.
You're gonna have to move him off the street.
Will you buy a horse for me?
Hello, is Linda there?
Listen, I'll pick you up over on Fairfax.
I'm at work.
No, you know you can't come by.
I'm pretending to be gay.
Because in L.A., a straight hairdresser is an unemployed hairdresser.
Well, at least until I get my own place.
Absolutely. Okay, I love you too.
Telly, honey. Would it kill you to come in there and do some work?
Oh, I'm sorry. I just had to check on my honey. You know how they are.