Desperately Seeking Susan Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Desperately Seeking Susan script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Madonna and Rosanna Arquette movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Desperately Seeking Susan. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Desperately Seeking Susan Script





"Beautiful stranger,

red hair, green jump suit,



walking dogs

in Washington Square Park."



"Can't forget you. Give love a chance.




Hope she gives him a chance.



Oh, Roberta, please!

He must be some kind of a pervert!



- He could be sincere.

- Nobody named Blackie is sincere.



He can't forget her, he's in love.

It's great.



Weren't you reading the want ads?



I know, I was.

I just... can't seem to find anything.



Don't settle for anything under      .



- Hi, ladies!

- Hi, Adrian. What do you think?



- Roberta, the look is you.

- I just really wanted a trim.



No, this is your birthday present.



Give her something different, not weird...



Don't worry. Her husband'll love it.



Wow, here it is! A message from Jim!



"Desperately seeking Susan.

Keep the faith."



"Tuesday   am. Battery Park,

Gangway one. Love Jim."



- Who's Jim?

- Oh, God, that's tomorrow.



Who's Susan? You know these people?



No. Jim follows Susan

all over the country.



Last January she was in Mexico City,

then Seattle.



They send messages back and forth,

that's how they hook up.



Now they're in New York.



Desperate. I love that word.

It's so romantic.



Everybody I know is desperate

except you.



- I'm desperate.

- You?



Well... sort of.



Room service!



It's open!






- Hi.

- Hi.



I got you a newspaper and your tequila.



- Thanks.

- You're welcome.



- Where do you want it?

- That's fine.



Don't spend it all in one place.



I won't. Thanks.






It's about time!






Bye-bye, Bruce.



It was fun, huh?



Hold the elevator!



Wait a second!



Roberta, don't let me eat these.

They're so good!



Hey, I think I've found one.



- One of what?

- upstairs. Come on.



He's been giving me the eye all night.



- Who is he?

- Who?



- In the corner, near Gary.

- Larry Stillman.



- Dr Stillman.

- Plastic surgery?



He's Gary's dentist.



Well, at least he's not a PhD.



- Gary, who's your friend?

- You know Becky.



Oh! Larry Stillman...



- My sister Leslie.

- Hi, how you doin'?



So you're a dentist...



Oh! Time out, everybody!



I've got a   .   spot.



- Oh, right!

- Great!



Rosemary will have another instalment

of Growing up In Queens.



The search continues for suspects



in the recent robbery

of ancient Egyptian artefacts.



That and more, next on the news at   .



Hi. I'm Gary from Gary's Oasis.



In our New Jersey showroom,

we have hundreds of models



of whirlpools and hot tubs

at the lowest manufacturer-to-you prices.



So come on out to Gary's Oasis.



- We're open seven days a week.

- Hey, Gary. Come on in!



At Gary's Oasis

all your fantasies can come true!



Very good!



It's gone for ever.



That funny, young, lost look... I loved.



It won't ever come back.



I killed that

when I told you about Rebecca.



You can watch in the bedroom

with the headphones.



I know.






do you ever remember your dreams?



I dunno, I never thought about it.



They liked the commercial,

don't you think?



Everyone thought you were great.



Oh, you're gonna...



pick up the radio for the car

for me tomorrow, aren't you?






Oh, don't forget...



Tell the guy you're my wife because we

put a sauna in the owner's apartment



and he's giving us a really great price.



Night, hon.



Hey! Don't eat all that cake!



- Susan!

- Hi.



My God, we all thought you were dead!



No, just in New Jersey.



Let's hear it, ladies and gentlemen,

for lan, the fabulous lan,



and his lovely assistant Crystal!






- Susan! Where have you been?

- All over.



- Anybody I know?

- No.



Some guy from Atlantic City.



It was fun till he started getting serious.



- How's tricks?

- I'm ready to quit this dump. I really am.



Ray won't let me wear my glasses,



then lan gets pissed off

when I can't do the tricks.



I mean, I'm only legally blind!



I could understand

if I wore my glasses on my tits,



but nobody here looks at my face!



Come on, let's just get outta here.



- I have to do the Disappearing Bluebird.

- Sounds great.



- Can't you wait?

- I'm really tired.



I could get some pizza

and meet you at home.



- You've got a place?

- Not exactly.



But I'm working on it.



Oh, no. I know what's coming now.



Just for tonight, I promise.



Come on!



Do you promise

only seven-digit phone calls?



Cross my heart. You won't regret it.






Welcome back.



I'll see you later.



Hey, baby. Take a paper.



Wow, I don't believe it.






Excuse me!



- You got a light?

- No, I don't smoke.






How come you split

without saying goodbye in person?



Everybody says goodbye in person.



Come on. Let's go get a drink.



Yeah, OK,

but I've only got a few minutes.



- Oh, great...

- It's a last-minute thing.



The band got this gig in Buffalo

and we start tonight.



Next time don't put

an ad in the paper, OK?



Susan, I've been looking for you

for weeks!



Come to Buffalo with me?



No, you'll be working.



- It's boring.

- Come to Buffalo.



I'll find some trouble

for you to get into.



I've had enough trouble already.



You... you were with this guy?



He was breathing when I left.



Hey! Beauty and the Beast,

we'll hit traffic on the bridge. Let's fly!



I don't like leaving you like this.



- I can take care of myself.

- I know.



Look, I'll give you a number.



You got a pen?



All right, this is the number

of my friend Dez.



He's a great guy



and if you really get in a jam, call him.

He'll know how to reach me.



- Has he got any money?

- Forget it! He knows all about you.



No more dead bodies, OK?



I'll see what I can do.



Be here next time when I get back.



Come on, baby!



Check it out!



Hey, baby, I got

a pair of sunglasses just for you!



This hat'll look great on you, baby.



Take a look in the mirror.

Beautiful, right?



$   for the set, all right? Ten bucks.



You gonna buy?

Hey, where you goin', babe?



Yo! Come back!

What are you doin' with my hat?



Give me my glasses, babe!

What's the matter?



- Oh, man! I don't believe it!

- I'm sorry.



What are you doin'?



- I'm sorry.

- What do you mean, "sorry"? Hey!






Do me a favour, baby.

Stay on the carpet, OK?



- They're great, aren't they?

- I know.



I gotta have 'em, but    bucks...



- That is the price.

- Forget it.



- I like the jacket.

- It used to belong to Jimi Hendrix.



But I bet he'd love it

if I swapped it for the boots.






Gorgeous, isn't it?



It used to belong to Elvis Presley.



- Wanna try it on?

- All right.



We start off with the eggs.



These go very fast done two by two.



And this you can do in the morning



and get it all ready for baking.



I'm gonna bake it and then unmould it.



There are your six eggs.



Those get beaten up a little bit

and then in goes...



Hello, Roberta.



Hello, Julia.



Sorry, girls. I can't stay for dinner.



Some guy from West Germany's

got      tubs



he can't get through customs.



I gotta go have dinner with him in town.



It just happened.

I'm sorry. You forgive me?



Looks interesting too.



- Get a good deal on the radio?

- Radio?



- Car radio. You just came from the city.

- Oh, my God, the radio.



- You forgot the radio?

- No!



Yeah, right, I guess I did.



You could have said

you didn't want dinner. I had to rush!



You said you didn't go anywhere.



What are you wearing?



A jacket.

It used to belong to Jimi Hendrix.



You bought a used jacket?

What, are we poor?



What's going on here?



Roberta, I gotta run! I'm late.



We'll talk later, all right?



All right, we'll talk later?



Jimi Hendrix, huh?



You sold it?



I had a key that was important.

I got my shit inside a locker.



- I sold it!

- I'll leave you my name and number.



Good goin', stranger.



Well, what fuckin' stranger?



Festival seating. That means Portosans.



Portosans means pissing with flies.

I'm not gonna piss with flies.



You guys can piss in bottles.

What the hell is this? Woodstock?



- Projection.

- Dez, it's me. Jim.



Hold on a second.



Jesus Christ!



I'm stuck in Buffalo and I need a favour.

It's about Susan.



See, now some guy she met in Atlantic

City got pushed out of a hotel window.



This sounds wild. I'm sorry I missed it.



This is serious, Dez.



And now some guy's run an ad to meet

her in Battery Park, signed "a stranger".



It sounds weird.

Could you just go down there



and make sure she's OK?



Jim, Victoria split on me last night.

I'm in a shitty mood.



I'm not in the mood for being a boy scout

right now.



Come on, Dez.

It'll take you half an hour.



- Come on!

- Give me a chance here. One second.



- She's got to meet him at   o'clock.

- That's in less than an hour!



Jim, I got a job here, you know!



This one favour.



Even if I could get someone

to fill in for me,



I don't even know what she looks like.



Look, you can't miss her.



She's incredibly pretty,

blonde hair, uh... medium height.



And she's got this green and gold jacket



with a pyramid with an eye on top

like a dollar bill. You can't miss it.



- All right, you owe me one.

- Great. Thanks, Dez, I appreciate it.



OK, yeah. Bye.



I lived in New York all my life.



We used to have Chinese restaurants,

ltalian restaurants.



Now you have these sushi restaurants.

Everyone goes for sushi.



Sushi... I hate the stuff.



Although, I tell you,

I had some the other day.



I took it home, I cooked it, it wasn't bad.

It tasted like fish.



$ .  .



Here, keep the change.



Whoa! Hey! What is that? Hey, lady!



Hey! Hey, lady!



What is this?



Oh, that's cute!






You look like I've seen you

somewhere before.



- No, I don't think so.

- Yeah, I think so.



- You doin' anything right now?

- I'm waiting for someone.



- Come with me, miss.

- I have to meet someone.



- We'll talk about it in the car.

- She's got all my stuff.



She'll give you the goddamn cab fare!



I don't need this aggravation.

I work for a living.



Theft of services. I know the law.



Well, hi!

Excuse me, but do you like candy?



- I got some Sugar Babies.

- No, thank you.



I wanted to have a chat. I was very close

to your boyfriend in Atlantic City.



- No, no, no. I'm married.

- No, I don't think so!






Did you wear the pretty earrings

he gave you?



- Let's have a chat. My car is over there.

- Let go of me!



- Susan!

- Let go!






- What happened?

- Are you OK?



My head hurts.



I'm Dez. I'm a friend of Jim's.






Your boyfriend Jim.

Who was the guy hassling you?



- Guy?

- The guy that just ran off.



- I dunno.

- You don't know?



- I don't remember.

- You don't remember?



Are you OK?



Do you wanna see a doctor?



- I'm OK.

- You're OK.



She's OK. Show's over.



She's with me, she's OK.



Sit down?



Do you remember anything?



I don't know.



How did you get here?



I don't know.



Do you remember

what you had for breakfast?



I don't know.



You are Susan, aren't you?



- Susan?

- You don't know.



All right, what do we have here?



No purse?



Do you have anything in your pockets,




Is that it?



Now we're getting someplace.



This is my phone number.



Jim must have given it to you.



This is like a déjà vu.



How can you have a déjà vu

if you don't remember anything?



No, no. I mean... this is all déjà vu.



This is a Port Authority locker key.



I tell you what. I'm gonna

run you up to the Port Authority.



Maybe what's ever in the locker will

help you snap out of it. How's that?



- OK.

- OK.



Let's go.



Wait a minute.



This isn't some sort of trick, is it?



- What do you mean?

- I mean I know a little bit about you, OK?



So don't even consider jerking me around

because I'm not in a great mood today.



Sure, I mean, I wouldn't...



jerk you around.



I don't even know you.



You better wear this.



I hope it's filled with something good.



Look at this!



You sure do move around a lot, huh?



Yeah, I guess.



So this stuff does look familiar, right?



Well, it's not completely unfamiliar.



You know, when I close my eyes

I see a pyramid.



A pyramid?



Like on your jacket?



Oh, yeah. That must be what it is.



At least you got everything.

I hope you're feeling better.



- You are feeling better?

- Yeah.



Good. I gotta go.

I gotta get that scooter back.



So... I'll see you around

maybe sometime, huh?



Maybe... I'll see you with Jim.



OK? All right, take care! Bye.









Have you got a place to sleep tonight?



You can sleep at my place.



One night... on the couch.



But I don't want any drama.



I don't want your friends coming over.



And I want nothing disappearing

from my apartment. You got that?



Maybe you should quit?






- Thanks.

- You're welcome.



OK, you. You're outta here.



It's about time.



I don't believe it.



Sorry, man. Have you been waiting?



- Never ever again!

- Listen, man, it was an emergency.



I understand. Never ever.

Don't ever ask me again.



- OK.

- Sorry.



This way.



- People live here?

- Yes, people live here!



I just thought it was sort of unusual,

that's all.



Two flights up.



Oh! Sorry.



Oh! Sorry, man. Excuse me.



Those look exactly like my speakers.



Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute.



What do you think you're doing?

Give me that.



Thank you.



What the hell is goin' on here?



I don't believe it.



What you've gotta do is...



That's just great, Victoria.



It's my stuff, Dez.



So you just come and take it.



No phone call, no discussion,

no nothing.



- How you doin'?

- I'm fine.



Listen... I'm gonna take

this stuff down to the Porsche.



I believe some of that stuff is mine.



Like the answering machine.

Like the Charlie Parker records.



- Oh, you can have it. Here.

- Thank you.



I'll send you a cheque for the rest, OK?



A cheque? Great.



- Hi.

- Hi.



He's really a nice guy.



You'll be happy together.



- Sorry.

- It's OK.



You know...

you could do a lot with this place.



There's a lot of light.



Ah, shit.



It happens, right?



Oh, hi, Dez. It's, uh... It's Jim here.



I'm just calling to see if Susan's OK.



I'm calling from...

Oh, shit, I don't know where we are.



It's some motel... Hey, where are we?



Anyway, no, look...

I'll call you tomorrow, OK?



And thanks again for everything.



You're a pal. Thanks a lot. OK, bye.



That's gotta ring some bells.



- Honestly, no.

- No?






- I need a drink. Do you want something?

- All right.



Whatever you're having.

Apple juice. Coke. Perrier.



Miller or a Heineken?



- All right.

- Which?



Either one.






I don't believe it.



She took the refrigerator.



- What did the police say?

- Most of these cases turn up in    hours.



Did you tell them about the jacket?

Her wedding ring in the soap dish?



I told them!



They seem to think she's having an affair.



Oh, my God, maybe she is!



It's ridiculous.

Roberta is not having an affair!



- She's much too uptight.

- That is a horrible thing to say.



I suppose you're proud of the way you're

running around with Becky Shuman.



I didn't know you knew.

Anyway, we're not running around!



We're having

a perfectly respectable affair!



- Gary, let me ask you something.

- What?



Does Roberta have orgasms?

I mean, did she have them with you?



- Orgasms?

- You have heard of them, haven't you?



Maybe she left you

because you weren't satisfying her.




Not everybody is obsessed with orgasms!



- Some people just... have them.

- Did she?



- Did Phil Donahue discuss orgasms?

- You are really a pig!



- At least I know about feelings.

- Feelings. I feel! I feel!



You're disgusting. You're just like Daddy!

No wonder Roberta left you.



Would you stop saying that!



- Gary...

- Larry!



That looks great.

Any word from Roberta yet?



Fast work, Les.



Oh, let's have some chicken.



The chicken is for tomorrow. Larry!



What did the police say?



I can't believe

you're eating during a crisis!



We're nervous!



Then take a Valium like a normal person!



She has great teeth.



That's why I showed up at Battery Park.



Jim said a friend of yours got killed

outside your hotel in Atlantic City.



He was pretty worried.









Sort of goes with the territory,

doesn't it, Susan?



Maybe I know who did it.



I wish I could remember.



Maybe you were the killer.






I should probably lay low for while, huh?



It might be a wise idea.



You don't know

who the guy at the quay was?



Maybe a jilted lover?



I don't think so.



Maybe he was.



You know somethin'?



You are not at all what I expected.



You're not quite what I expected either.



Just how did I meet Jim? I mean, how...



How did I meet him?



Maybe it would help.



I think it was at some coffee shop.



It was your first day at work.



Jim waltzed in.



You brought his food over

and you ripped up the check.



Is he tall? I mean Jim.



He's about medium.



Is he sort of thin?



Sort of. Sort of...





What colour eyes does he have?






Like yours?



I'm sorry. I'm sorry.






I don't know what happened. I just...






Come on.






Wanna go out to breakfast with me?






What have you got on?

Some sort of disguise?



- You don't like it?

- No, it's...



...sort of charming.



It's my treat.



What did you do? Rob a bank?



I don't know. Maybe.



Where do you wanna go?



See, I found this in the suitcase.



Gunny's Coffee Shop? I know the place.



It's over on Center Street.



Maybe that's the place where I met Jim.



- So?

- So...



So we go there

and see if anybody remembers me.



So what do you think?

Anyone look familiar?



No. Not yet.



I found this in the suitcase.

You ever hear of it?



The Magic Club? Yeah.

That's that place over on Broadway.






I thought I'd go there

and see if I remember anyone.



- You know what you're having?

- Sure.



What are you having?



Well, it's your treat, right?



Yeah, I got money.



I'm gonna have... blueberry blintzes.



I'll have that too. That sounds good.



What can I get you?



Yes, I would like a... coffee...



and a... doughnut.



Miss! When you get a chance,

could you take our order?



You can stay. She's gotta go.



Mick, it's that crazy girl with the jacket.



- You, out!

- You know me?



Yeah. You won't get a free meal here.



- I got money, I can pay.

- I don't want your money. Get out.



- We got money. What is it?

- Mind your own business.



- This is my business, wait a minute!

- Come on, out!



- Hey, I'm with her.

- Come on, come on.



You're lucky I don't press charges!






Are you OK? Are you all right? I'm sorry!



Rule number one was no drama.



- Remember?

- Yes. I know. I'm sorry.



Let's get out of here.



I'm sorry.



You won't even let me wear my glasses!



Go back to selling T-shirts!

You're fired!



No, you don't, lan, because I quit!



Hey! Not under the ladder!



My luck can't get much worse anyway.

Miserable scumbags!



Maybe I should've slept with him.



Man, some witch steals my clothes,



Meeker gets pushed out a hotel window

and now you get fired.



No offence, but bad luck really seems

to be following you around.



We're both free now.

Let's just go to the movies.



A double feature?



Come on!



I'll pay for the movie

if you pay for the popcorn.



OK, but listen. How much is popcorn?



-  .  

- OK.



This must be the place.



Sir, could you pull over, please?

This is it.



I'm sorry about what happened.



- Are you sure you're not angry?

- Yeah.



- Really?

- I'm not angry.



OK. You're a real pal.



I'll tell Jim.



- Bye!

- Bye.



A real pal. I'll tell Jim...



Bleecker Street Cinema.



You just don't fire someone like that!



Who am I gonna find

at such short notice?



Come on, Ray. You know lots of girls.



- Plenty of women need work.

- Ma! Let me take care of this.






You saw the sign outside?



Are you looking for a job?



Yeah. Yeah, I think I am.



- She thinks she's looking for a job.

- No!



I am, I am! What kind of job?



Come on in.



This is Ray.



- Hello.

- This is Ray's mom, Gilda.






- This is Henry.

- Hi.



Hello, Henry.



And I'm lan.



Are you OK, Mr Glass?



Fine, thank you. Good night, Daisy.



I hope you get good news

about Mrs Glass.



Thank you.



Where did you get this bag?



It's mine. Mrs Glass give it to me.



Give me the bag, Daisy.



- Daisy, give me the bag!

- Sorry, you ain't getting this bag.



- Please, I'm asking you nicely.

- You're not getting this.



Hey, guys. Could you...

have your picnic somewhere else?



Hey, guys!






Just try to be careful, all right?



Listen, I don't get involved

in domestic disputes, OK?



There's no dispute.



She had the jacket on

when she disappeared.



It was very special to her

for some reason.



Don't you even remember her?



Don't you remember the jacket?



It was black and gold and it had

a sort of a pyramid thing on it



like on a dollar bill.






Great. Thanks.

You've been a terrific help.



Wait a minute, wait a minute.



She stopped in here

looking for the jacket, too.



Maybe you can help each other.



Susan, will you get the phone?



Susan! The phone's ringing!






Yeah, hold on. She's right here.



- What?

- Another one of your secret admirers.






Yeah. Who is this?



Gary Glass?



Oh, so you're the witch's husband.

Where's my stuff?









Well, maybe I could help you.



Listen, meet me tonight at   .  

at    West   st Street.



I'll be waiting on the third floor

near the bar. You got that?



All right, I'll see you there.






Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.



Welcome to the Magic Club.

I'm your host, Big Ray.



We have a wonderful line-up for you

this evening, for all you people.



You, sir, the man in the red shirt...



- Where you from?

- I'm from Brooklyn!



Do we have anyone else here

from Brooklyn?



Right here.

Why don't you two share a cab home?



This is a great audience.



OK, let's get on with it.

Introducing, back from his...



Susan! Come here!



The one, the only, the innovator...



From now on, I want you here

five minutes before we begin.



Remember, we start with the doves.

You look beautiful. Smile.



Davina... Queen of the Night!



So let's hear it

from all you lovely people. Come on!



Menthol, extra-long, ultra-thin!



Extra-ultra long and thin!

Regular, unleaded...






Come down!









This one's worse than the other one!



Nice try, kid.



Here you go.    bucks.



See you tomorrow night

at the same time.



- You're hiring me?

- Well, of course we are!



Thank you!



Take these guys home and practise,

all right?



And, Susan... practise a lot! OK?



- All right.

- Good.



Gary Glass, right?



Yeah, how did you know?



Wild guess.



- She split on you, huh?

- Yeah. Two days ago.



Has she ever split on you before?



No, of course not.



- Did she do drugs?

- Drugs? Roberta?



She's never smoked a joint

in her whole life.



She's probably

the straightest person in Fort Lee.



What are you driving at?



- Do you want something to drink?

- No, thanks.



I'm on this health programme, you know?

No alcohol, no sugar...



- Do you wanna dance?

- Dance?



Excuse me. Excuse me.



Did you read that stuff in the newspaper

about that guy Meeker?



He got pushed out of a hotel window

in Atlantic City.



- No, why?

- Roberta's mixed up in it.



Roberta? That's impossible!



Fact. She's trying to frame me

for Meeker's murder.



Who's Meeker?



Who's Meeker and what does

he have to do with Roberta?



Ex-partner and Roberta

were in on it together.



l-I think you're mistaken.



Roberta doesn't know anybody

in Atlantic City.



I've seen them together!



You saw Roberta with another man! Who?



Looks like a real greaseball to me.



I don't believe a word you're saying.



Here, trust me. You wanna find your wife?



- Yeah, of course I do!

- Good. Let's go to your place.



My place?



Excuse me.



Excuse me!






There's someone following me.



Please! Could you... Could you...



There's a man...

There's a man following me...



How do you get in here?

You're not supposed to be in here.



I know. I'm sorry, sir,

but could you please see if he's gone?



There's a man following me.

Could you see if he's gone?



- OK.

- Thank you.



You stay here.



Enrique will take care of it.












Taxi! Taxi!






- You'll get yourself in a twist.

- Wait! I have money!



I have money in my bag!

I have money in my bag!



OK. The earrings, I need them.



What earrings?

Look, I'm not who you think. Please.



All right, all right, avoid the fate

of your late beloved boyfriend.



Was he your pimp?






All right, play it that way.



Come on, you've just got a little bump

on your head. You'll survive it.



What's your name?



You got a name, don't you?



All right, we'll settle this

at the station house.



- Roberta.

- Roberta. That's a name.



I'm not who you think I am.



How do you use the birds?



Nice place you got here, Gar.



We like it.









They're Roberta's.



"How To Be Your Own Best Friend."



"I'm OK - You're OK."



"Dr Ruth's Guide To Good Sex."



Are these Roberta's, too?



I didn't know she read this stuff.



You know, Gar, between you and me,



what do you really know about Roberta?



Nice wallpaper.



Don't you think

you ought to wait for Roberta



before you start taking her clothes?



She owes me a coat.



- What does she weigh?

- Roberta?






We're close. Very close.



- Nice tub.

- You like it?




It's one of our most popular items.



You can install it in any bathroom and it

increases the resale value of your home.



I didn't say I wanted to buy one.



Right. Sorry.



You know, I could get used

to a place like this.



Got any pot?






usually I keep some around,



but right now I'm out.



You know how it is.



How about a match?



All right, stop.



Face forward.






Turn left.






And then you start to think,



what's it all about?



The big picture, you know what I mean?



Sure I do, Gar.



I mean, there...



There's more to life

than making money, right?



I mean, I know that. I mean...






You know... You know how...



all time comes from

a single point in the universe?



- You know what I mean?

- No.



My husband.



We live in Fort Lee.



There are...



things happening in solar systems

so far away



that we can't even see them.



I mean, what do... what do they care?



What do they care

if I am the spa king of New Jersey?



Hello. Glass house.






- Hello?

- Spa king of New Jersey!



Spa king!



Could I call someone else? Please?



Go ahead.



All right. You in the pink tutu.



Let's go.



Nice to have met you.



She better have a good explanation!



You haven't seen her and you're yelling.



I am not! I am wondering aloud why she

couldn't have called if she was in trouble!



Hear her side of it

before you do anything stupid!



Mr Glass. Sergeant Taskal. Have a seat.



My sister Leslie.



She was arrested last night

on the Lower East Side.



She's in a holding tank downstairs.

I'll have her brought up.



I telephoned you as soon

as I realised the photographs matched up.



Hey, Ronnie. Taskal here.

Bring up Glass.



We're dropping the charges.

Her husband is here.



Well, obviously

he hasn't picked her up yet.



Oh, Roberta.



Let me see that.



Oh, my God.



Mr Glass, somebody paid your wife's bail

a little while ago and she was released.



You just missed her.



Who paid her bail?



Boyfriend. Pimp. Who knows?






I don't know how to thank you, Dez.

I'm really sorry.



Consider it my final favour, Susan.



You are really living up

to your reputation.



See, now, that's just it, Dez.



That's it! I'm not who you think I am.



- I don't care who you are.

- No, no, I didn't mean it that way.



It's really getting complicated here.

I'm not...



Sssh. Stay right there.



I don't believe it.






I don't believe Victoria would do this.



Oh, my God.



Maybe it was the guy

who grabbed me last night.






The guy who grabbed you?



See, he was after me, Dez.



Well, not me exactly.

He was after Susan,



wherever she is, who I'm not!



He thinks she's staying here,

which she isn't because I am...



I don't wanna hear it!



First of all, I get thrown out

on my ass on the sidewalk.



Then I have to fork up $    bail

to get you out of jail.



Now I come home and the whole place

is torn apart. Why, I don't know!



You know, I really don't need this shit,

Susan. I really don't.






I'll leave.



You know, I could have been killed

last night, Dez!



I was really scared!



Forget it.



Sorry about this mess.



I can pay you back!

I'll send you a cheque.



Great. Another cheque.






Hey, hey, hey.



This mess isn't so bad.



I've had worse parties than this.



Richard Nolan and Bruce Meeker

were released



pending appeal of their     

conviction for smuggling.



They are prime suspects in the

disappearance of the Nefertiti earrings



from the Cairo collection

currently on display in New York.



Nefertiti? No shit!



It's not uncommon!

I've just read an article



about a woman who turned tricks

in the city all morning



and shopped all afternoon

before going home.



She did it for years

before her husband found out about it.



Roberta can't be a prostitute. She doesn't

like sex that much. It's impossible.



Oh, my God. I have heard that four

out of five prostitutes are lesbians.



Leslie, I think that I would know

if my wife was a lesbian.




You didn't know she was a prostitute.



Gary, I think you have

got to accept the fact



that there is something very unusual

going on in your relationship.



Who's Susan?



Don't get the wrong idea.

She was helping me find Roberta.



What are you doing here?



I got good news and bad news.

What do you want first?



- You said you were going to leave.

- OK, good news.



Your wife isn't with the greaseball.



Susan, my wife has just been

picked up on the Lower East Side,



escaping from her gun-toting pimp!



He's not a pimp.



- He's not a pimp.

- Who's not a pimp?



The bad news is he'll probably kill her

cos he thinks she's me.



- What?

- Didn't you ever read this?



She kept a diary.



It's great stuff. "Couldn't sleep."



"Went into kitchen.

Gary came in. Turned on light."



"Gary left. Finished birthday cake."



Pages of it. It's gotta be a cover.

Nobody's life could be this boring.



You shouldn't be reading that. It's private.



Yeah, well, it's not about her.

It's about me. Listen to this.



"He's looking for Susan again.

She's late returning from Mexico."



"This is his fifth ad."



"Why does he want to see her so badly?

Who is she?"



And there's my picture.



Gary, why didn't you tell me

she read the personals?



We could've settled this yesterday.



She read them all the time. I didn't think...



Yeah, well, fortunately for everybody,

I'm here and I'm thinking.



Give me the car keys.



I'll bring it right back.






Gary! She is taking the car keys!



Shut up, Leslie. OK?



Diary. That little sneak,

what did she say about me?



"Desperately seeking

stranger seeking Susan."



"Regarding key. Meet me Saturday night,

Magic Club, Broadway.  .  pm. Be there."



- Is that it?

- She'll love it.



Pay at the cashier.



"Single white male,   

looking for afternoon playmates."



Is that it? Pay at the cashier.






I'm not Susan.



I'm a housewife

and I live in Fort Lee, New Jersey.



I've been married for four years.



My husband Gary...



He sells bathroom spas and saunas.



You never stop, do you?



No, really! Really!



That's why I like you. I never know

what you'll say next. Come here.






- What is that?

- I dunno.



Someone's trying to get in.



Oh, my God.



Oh, my God, it's Jim.



Oh, my God.



Jim... Jim. Jim.



Thank God. You had me worried.

How you doing, man?



Somebody jumped me. It was dark.






It was me.



I thought you were somebody else.



Who did you think I was?



Somebody's been following Susan.

I thought maybe you were him.



Who's following her?



I don't know.



You know Susan.



It's really tough

to get a straight answer out of her.



She needs me, Dez.



I think maybe she's ready to settle down.



Settle down? Susan? Come on, Jim!



She'd never do that.

She's really not the type.



Since when do you know her so well?



Well, I just can't see her settling down.

I mean, she's too wild.



But that's what's so great about her.



Is that so?



I mean, you really seem

to have examined this.



Well, we've been spending

some time together.



Just... what are you saying here, Dez?



I'm not gonna bullshit you, Jim.



It was a shitty thing to do.

I'm not saying it wasn't.



But you yourself said she was irresistible.



Oh, man.



Why don't you just hit me again

and, like, finish me off?






Don't cry about it.

I'm really crazy about her



and she's really crazy about me.



- I'm sorry.

- Listen. I know Susan.



Whatever she told you doesn't mean shit.



She plays with people, Dez. I oughta

know, I've been chasing her for years.



I don't think she's playing with me.






All right, Jim.



Why don't we just ask her?



Su...! You mean she's here?!



Come on out here.



She's gone.



She was here.



I swear to God.



Dez, are you up there?






Guess what, man?

I think she's jerking us both around.



What do you mean?



Check this out.

I mean, who the hell is this stranger?



Susan, I still don't understand

why we're here.



Trust me, Gar.

You're in for a real surprise.



Your surprises are beginning

to make me nervous.



- What'd she say?

- We're in for a real surprise.



I guess we're not gonna see

Tony Bennett here.



I'd settle for a police escort.



How could you let her wear

Roberta's jacket?



Hey, she's cold.

She's gotta wear something.



Why don't you

cut your fingernails?



I can't hear what you're saying...



Dez, if she sees us both here,

she'll probably just split again.



You could go home.



I wanna see who this fuckin' stranger is.



Let me guess. Triple tequila sunrise.



Ginger ale.



And you're the Scotch.



This must be yours.



Rum and Tab.



Sit tight. I'm gonna

go look for the stranger.



What stranger?



- God, she's gorgeous.

- Beauty fades.



There she is.



- Where?

- Right there. Talking to the cigarette girl.



That's not Susan.

I never even seen that girl before.



Dez, that's Susan.

Don't you think I should know?



That might be a Susan

but that's not my Susan.



- That's my Susan.

- Then who was the girl at Battery Park?



So who's the stranger?






Who's the stranger?



It's a long story.



You wouldn't know her anyway.



- Her?

- Yeah. Her.



Come on. We'll talk about it in private.



We've got three minutes before curtain!



Get your wig on and get out there!



I wonder what happened to Susan.



Looks like you lost your girlfriend.



Hey, Larry! I'm married, all right?



- Oh, please!

- What?



Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.



Welcome to the Magic Club.

I'm your host, Ray...




Can I have the check, please?



Hey, is there anyone out here

from... Queens?



You. Well, I'm from

normal parents myself.



Anyway, we got a special treat

for you people this evening.



Introducing the one, the only...



Susan, get up here!



and his very lovely assistant, Davina...



Queen of the Night! So let's hear it!



Gary... Is that...



It can't be.



I'm really enjoying this. It's a great trick.



- Roberta?

- I don't believe it.



- Roberta...

- Gary, sit down.



I think I'll be staying, thank you.



Cigars? Cigarettes?



She's really got style in a way.



She's good, Gary.



Right. Sorry.






That's him. That's the guy.



That's the guy!



Hey, help me!



Hey! That's the guy!

That's the guy! Help!



Somebody stop that guy! Help!



What... Roberta!



- Roberta!

- Who are you?



What's going on?



- Did he hurt you? I'll kill him!

- Gary!



- It's OK, I can take care of it now.

- Who is this guy?



Who are you?

What do you mean, who am I?



- Please...

- Oh.



Gary... Dez.



Dez, this is Gary, my husband.






- The hot-tub salesman?

- Yeah.



So you were telling me

the truth last night.



Last night? Oh, no.



- Did you spend the night with him?

- Gary...



- Is he the pimp the police mentioned?

- He's not a pimp!



I'm not a pimp. I'm a friend of hers.



- Somebody tell me what's going on!

- I'm not sure myself.



- I'm having a hard time...

- So am I!



Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Please, wait a minute, wait a minute.



OK, listen.



Dez. Dez, I really need to talk

to Gary alone, OK? Please?






I really need some time alone too.



I'm sorry.



It's all right. It's all right.

The nightmare's over.



Don't make a peep.

You're gonna get me outta here.



Nice legs.



- I don't understand why you're here.

- Why are you here?



Wait a minute. Never mind that.

Why did you leave me?



It was sort of an accident.



When you were soliciting,

that was an accident, too?



Yes, of course! Gary!



It all started with the personals.



There was this ad for Susan.

"Desperately seeking Susan."



Where did he go?



So they thought

I was a prostitute and arrested me.



Roberta, are you a lesbian?



Leslie said

lots of prostitutes are lesbians.



Gary, you're not listening to me.

I'm not a prostitute or a lesbian!



We'll get professional help.

I don't care how much it costs.



- I just want you to come home with me.

- Why?



Why? What do you mean, why?



Why do you want me

to come home with you?



Come on, don't get excited, all right?



What, are you on drugs

or something now?






Look at me.



I looked at you. You look ridiculous.



I mean look at me, Gary.

Look at me.



I'm not coming home with you.



You're just tired.



Why don't you get changed

and we'll talk about it at home?



Come on. Come on.



Fine. That's fine.



I'm gonna go outside

and I'm gonna wait for five minutes.



And if you're not there,

I'm gonna leave without you.



Goodbye, Gary.



Hey! Whoa!



Where did you get this?






Susan, what's going on?



Help me!



Don't push!



Good goin', stranger.









What's going on?



My friend, this is the crucial moment.



Our force field power plant

has been transferred to the ship.



Our defences are at their weakest,

almost fully automatic.



The likelihood of a successful

mutant attack is at its strongest.



- But they may be unaware.

- We've tried to keep them away...



- Hi.

- Hi.



How are you doin'?






So I guess your name isn't Susan, huh?



So what is it?






That's nice.



Come on!


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