Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Rob Scheider and Eddie Griffin movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo Script





My husband.



Thank you for last night.



Thank you for last night.



Thank you for last night.



Hey, what do you think

you're doing?






Today, these visually-impaired senior

citizens will fulfill a lifelong dream:



To swim with dolphins.



Hey, check this out.



-What is that?




That is four years of research.



A technological breakthrough

which might just save a life or two.



-What's it for?

-A device to prevent...



...the beaching of cetaceans.



-That's whales to you and me.

-Cetaceans, hush?



That's a pretty big word

for a man-whore.



Iím not a man-whore.



Iím a fish enthusiast.



I stopped man-whoring

when I met my wife.



My mom said your wife

got eaten on your honeymoon...



...because you tried

to feed the sharks.



You tell your mom l was

trying to feed the turtles.



I didnít realize there was

meat sauce on the lettuce.



Whatever. I bet that thing doesn't

even work, you stupid he-bitch.



-Come on, l got it.

-Hey, you little bastards.



Give that back! That's not a toy!



That's the one. That's your grandma.



Give me..! Come on! Give me..!



Something seems to be going wrong.

Iím not sure what's happening.



I gotcha! I got..!



Hey everybody, Iím home.



Hi, Kate. I missed you today.



The prototype's almost working.



All it needs is a few

minor adjustments.



Wes Takahashi in Malibu, where

three blind swimmers are still missing.



I hope that man rots in hell!



It was some weird guy.

He tried to touch my ball..




-Deucey, Deucey, Deucey.



It's your old buddy T.J. here.




-I'm in Amsterdam.



Man, you'd love it here. Itís like

Disneyland for college students.



You wouldn't believe this.



Why don't you come and let your

friend T.J. show you a good time.



-Oh, that's crazy. I can't.




It ain't like you got something

better to do over there.



Amsterdam is so far away.



Police have just released a sketch

of a man wanted for questioning.



Witnesses report he is goofy-looking

and probably a virgin.



On the other hand,

far away could be good.



Is my wife gonna be okay in there?



-She'll be fine, sir.

-All right.



Ladies and gentlemen, Flight   

from Helsinki is now arriving



Excuse me.

I think there's been a mix-up.



Oh, sorry. Sorry.



That's okay. I always wondered

what it felt like to be a white woman.



-Can l borrow it?

-Give me that.



Hold on.



All rows now boarding

for Amsterdam.



Excuse me.






Hey, how many people

get to do this on their honeymoon?



You're sure it's safe

to feed the turtles?



You have nothing to worry about.

Iím a fish expert, remember?



What is that over there?



Oh, that's just some kid with a fin

on his back, trying to scare us.



-Are you sure?




Do you think the hotel would let us

swim out here if there were sharks?



Come on. This is Mexico.



They know what they're doing.



This shirt's gonna be

a great icebreaker.



Fuck you, American,

you imperialist bastard!



I love America.

I love President Bush.



Thank you for bringing

democracy to lraq.



-Shut up!

-Oh, shit!



Oh, hello. Sir.



-is this okay?

-You did miss a spot.



Did l get it?



Put some elbow in it.



Sorry, honey.



What's with all these red lights?



I wonder if they know

their curtains are open.



Oh, man.



Ahoy there!



Big Deucey in Amsterdam.



Man, get on over here.






-Look at this boat.

-Check this out.



You like that?



I couldn't be happier for you.



Come, let me

show you my float-crib.




-Looking like money.



Iím telling you, you gonna have

a good time, man, hush?



Well, it ain't much, but it's home.



Itís nice.

I like what you've done with it.



Now, if you gotta use the bathroom,

lift up the toilet seat.



This is where I live.

This is my home.



I don't want nobody

pissing on my toilet seat.



What do you think of the float-crib?

You feeling it?



T.J., I think you got a bad leak here.



No, no, no. itís just high tide.



Is that what l think it is?



Yeah. I brought Kate.



I really wanna show her

a good time, you know?



Maybe buy her a wooden shoe.






Keeping that leg is kind of creepy.



-You gotta move on with your life.




Hey, Lil' Kim, what's up?



I no more man-whore.

Too much danger.



Excuse us for a moment, Deucey.



Listen up, Lil' Kim.



When your little bony ass had SARS,

who got you out of quarantine?



-Go make me some money.

-No way!



I take my three inches elsewhere.



So l thought Iíd come over here

and make a killing.



Got myself a houseboat, some whores.



The only thing a woman love

more than a man-whore...


            a floating man-whore.

-Makes sense.



Then all these man-whore

murders started.



My he-bitches got too scared

to go to work.



What kind of world do we live in...



...where the streets ain't safe

for male prostitutes?



Here's your hashish.











I thought this was a coffee shop.



Let me break it down for you, Deucey,

You're in Amsterdam.



If you want coffee, you go to a cafť.



If you want marijuana, ganja or some

freaky-deaky, you go to a coffee shop.



That's where you is now.



Put that away. Cops. Cops!



Hold it right there.



Now, that joint looks loose.

If you want, Iíll roll the next one.



Have a good evening, huh?



Oh, don't worry about it, Deucey.

This is Amsterdam.



Itís perfectly legal over here.

You want a hit?



No. Iím not smoking nothing.



Oh, come on, man.



-Deucey don't smoke.

-Suit yourself.



Well, well, well,

if it ain't Heinz Hummer...



...the gigolo with the most below.



What do you want, T.J.? Iím busy.



l wanna introduce you to my friend,

Deuce Bigalow.



-He's a gigolo from America.




Sometimes you're really funny, T.J.



How much you getting

for a Filthy Ramirez these days?



I could get you more.



A Filthy Ramirez?

Where have you been?



Nobody pays for that shit anymore.



See you around, T.J.



The Man-whore Awards

are coming up.



You wanna win the Golden Boner?



I already won it twice.



Just ask your ex-fiancťe.



Man, why you gotta bring up

Delisha like that?



I can't believe prostitution's

legal here.



Oh, yeah, it's big business.

They got a union, dental plan.



Man, if I had a he-bitch

like Heinz Hummer...



...put me back in the game.



-is he that good?

-''is he that good?''



They don't call him ''Lord

of the Wangs'' for nothing.



Man, what I wouldn't give....



For Heinz's wang?



No, I don't want Heinz's wang!

I want him as a client.



Hey, man, keep your voice down.



Talking about me wanting

Heinz's big juicy wang.



People would think Iím gay.



Now, a pimp's only got

one thing in this world:



His reputation.



Here you are, gentlemen.

Fresh today.



-What is this?




-Why do they call it that?

-You know...


           's what the astronauts eat.

Like Tang.



Iím starving.



-itís a little dry.

-Keep eating. it gets better.



-You sure you don't want any?




Never been high, never gonna be.



This is pretty good cake, though.



Fucking excellent.






Come on in here.



You--? You want me to...?



Yes, you.



-Maybe you can help me.




I don't want a man who's

chiseled and sculpted.



I like soft and weak.



-You do?

-I want a man who's unemployed.



And went to a community college.



I am, and I did.



-You know what really turns me on?




is thinking about him

in his tighty whities...



...sitting at his computer...



...and visiting different porn sites...



...and taking the free tour

with no intention of ever joining.



I don't have a credit card!



-Kiss my chest.







-Bite me!

-You sure?



Harder! Bite me harder!



Get off of my titty,

you doped-up cracker!



No more spacecakes for you.



Hey. Iím sorry about that, T.J.

I must have gotten a contact buzz.



What'd I tell you about

making me look gay?



Not ten minutes go by

and you got your sloppy mouth...



...all over my breasteses.



My nipple's ruined!



You're lucky I was born with a spare.



There go one of my whores.



The old guy in the walker's

one of your whores?



Yeah. Why ain't his ancient ass

out there making me my money?



Kaiser! Get your old ass

back in the booth!



Deucey, meet me back

at the float-crib.



Bitches out here act like

they never seen a pimp before.



I raise my hand, they look at it like

it's a goddamn croissant. Then:




Feel my pimp hand.



Where's the boat?



Oh. You scared me.



Hey. Do you know who I am?



I am Heinz Hummer. Iím the gigolo

with the most below. Okay?



I can give you a Filthy Lopez

like you never had before.



I could give you

a Cambodian Creamsicle...



...that will make you

scream all night. Okay?



But not now because Iím busy.

So leave me alone, bitch.



Wait a second. Do I know you?












Man, are you wasted.



I gotcha.



Coming up next, more weather.



What's this?



Hey, Heinz, wake up, check this out.



Holy shit.



Europe just got a little better.



Damn. That old Kaiser's got legs.



-You gotta keep your bitches in line.




-What's he doing here?

-I found him passed out in the alley.



I couldn't just leave him there.



I put in a good word for you.



Thanks, Deucey. Much appreciated.



I knew you'd come around.




Oh, shit. Heinz ain't passed out.

Heinz is dead.



No. He can't be.



Iím telling you, Heinz is dead.

See for yourself.



Watch this.



Maybe he's just a heavy sleeper.



I can't believe you brought

a dead man-whore in my home.



-What were you thinking?

-I didn't know you could die from pot.



This is no pot-related fatality.

This is no ganja accident.



This man was murdered.



The Man-whore Killer did this?



-We gotta call the police.

-No, no, no! Hey, hey!



Goddamn, white boy.



You think the police gonna believe

a stone-black pimp...



...had nothing to do with a dead

prosti-dude in his float-crib?



Before I toss your dumb ass

in the canal, I just wanna say...



...for the record,

under T.J.'s management...



...this would've never happened.



I just gotta see

what all the fuss was about.






No wonder Delisha never came back.



That shit's the real

Loch Ness monster.



What's over there?



-Look where his hand is.

-What the shit is this?



What you looking at?

Turn off them damn cameras!



I ain't gay! I was only

looking down his pants...



...because I heard his schlong

was so big and juicy.



Wait a minute.

That didn't sound right.




-Give me them damn cameras.



Where is he?



We now interrupt Naked Seinfeld

for this special report.



The suspected Man-whore Killer...



...has been spotted

on the Prinsengracht Canal...



...attempting to dispose

off his latest victim.



-I ain't gay!

-The suspected killer...



...has been identified as

Tiberius Jefferson Hicks.



-You idiot.

-He is still at large...



-...and extremely....

-Hold it!



Hey. Hey, guys! How's it going?



-Where is he?

-I don't know.



-Where is he?

-I swear I don't know.



Your loyalty is impressive, sir.



You've once been arrested for

man-whoring, were you not?



Look, I wasn't really man-whoring



Please, Mr. Bigalow.

I've heard this a thousand times.



You were cold, you were frightened.



He took you under his arm

and fed you.



He made you feel sexy.



He told you how to hide money

in every orifice.



But your friend is obviously a killer.



T.J.'s not a killer.



If he isn't a murderer...



...then what was he doing

checking out a dead man's penis?



I guess he was curious.



He heard it was big and juicy...



...and wanted to see for himself.



A lot of guys do that.



No, they don't.






T.J.'s gay.




-Not normal-gay, but, you know...



...crazy-gay, you know?






is that why he puts lipstick...



...on all his victims?



Wait a minute.



in the alley, I heard

someone whistling.



And I saw someone.



A woman...


            a leopard coat.



People see a lot of crazy things

when they're high on spacecake.



There's drugs in spacecake?



Mr. Bigalow, I will find your pimp

whether you help me or not.



-T.J., thank God you're here.

-How'd you find me?



itís the only chicken

and waffle place in Holland.



So a black man's gotta be

at a chicken and waffles place?



That's racist.



-But you are here.

-Yeah, but figuring it out is racist.



-itís a nice place.

-Did you know Holland invented...



-...chicken and waffles?




Before that, you could only

get chicken or waffles.



But they were the first

to put them together.



Black people all over the world will be

forever grateful to the Dutch for that.



You do know the Dutch

started the slave trade.



Those motherfuckers!



Who let them print this?



Look, we're gonna prove

that you didn't kill anyone.



I don't give a damn about that.

itís the ''extremely gay'' part.



If Iím a murderer, they'll welcome

me home with open arms.



Get out of jail and

become a huge rapper.



But a gay pimp?



-Like, where Iím going? Vermont?

-Look, T.J...



...I think I saw the real killer.



it was a woman.



Some she-john went

on a he-bitch killing spree...



...because she wasn't satisfied

with a Filthy Lopez.



-What's a Filthy Lopez?

-Forty bucks. Same as downtown.



All we do is find the she-johns that

went out with the dead gigolos.



-One of them is our killer.

-Make sense.



-You gotta get back on the horse.

-Horse? What horse?



The man-whore horse.



We gonna use your

white ass as bait.



Bait? Look, Iím not man-whoring.



We'll find the killer

using your twat-sicle.



Twat-sicle? Gross! No.



Give this to my mama.



Tell her Iím sorry I was

a disappointment to her.



Sorry I called her friends

in the middle of the night...



...when I was pleasuring myself.



And tell her she don't have to worry

anymore about her baby.



Even if I wanted to, how are we gonna

find a dead gigolo's customers?



We'll go to the man-whore union.

But be careful.



They'll be looking for me.



Meeting of the Royal Order

of European Man-whores...


            now in session.



These are the highest paid

he-bitches in Europe.



That? That's Rodrigo.

He's from Spain.



He can tie shoelaces

with his tongue.



That? That's Enzo. He's Italian.



His nutsack is insured

for a million dollars.



-That's     grand each.

-Check it out.



That's Assapopuluss from Greece.



He can actually kiss you

with his butthole.



Iíd like to never see that.



Iíd like to say a few words about

our fallen comrade, Heinz Hummer.



Who's the blond guy?



Chadsworth Buckingham.

Comes from a long line of whores.



His great-great-great grandmother

gave Henry VIII crabs.



But I know Heinz would like to be

remembered for most...



-...was being a male prostitute.

-Hear, hear.



He was also a supercilious cunt.



-Who's that guy?

-Gian-Carlo. Silverback he-bitch.



Heinz Hummer was

undercutting all of us.







He was charging the same price

for straight sex...


            he was for a

Turkish Snow Cone.




-Oh, yes.



He was also charging the same price

for a Belgian Steamer...


            he was for

a Portuguese Breakfast.



As we sow, so shall we reap.



Thank you, Gian-Carlo,

for those kind words.



Until this insane killer

is apprehended...



...the union is going to institute

a new security measure.



This ring locks snugly

over your va-guy-na...



...and then communicates directly

with a global satellite system.



There are rings of all sizes available,

smaller for our Asian members.



Y'all know me.



My name is McManus.



I joined this union some

  -odd years ago for two reasons:



To have intercourse

in exchange for cash...



...and two, to protect me rights

as a man-whore.






...three years ago...



...when this union

told we man-whores...



...that we were to stop having

intercourse with underage girls...



...I strongly disagreed.



But I did not stand up.



Iím ashamed to say I stood down!



And then three months later...



...this union told we man-whores...



...that we were to begin washing our

private areas between customers.



Our private areas.



And once again, Iím ashamed

to report to you gentlemen...



...I stood down!



But now, sir, for what am I

to tell my  -year-old boy...



...when he comes to me

and he says:



''Daddy. Daddy.



What's that thing hanging off

of your he-pussy?''



How am I to tell him, sir?



Deucey, you can do this.



Due to high demand...



...each member will be

only allowed two tickets...


            this year's Man-whore Awards.

-How's it going?



Iím Deuce Bigalow.

Iím a gigolo from America.



My friend Tiberius Jefferson

is not the Man-whore Killer.






Now, Iím convinced

that the real killer...


            a she-john.



Which means any one

of you could be next.



Now, there are a couple hundred

gigolos in this room.



Now, if we all work together...



...we can find out

who the real killer is.



What do you say?



How come you didn't

tell them I wasn't gay?



Did you not just see me

get thrown through a window?



-What do we do now?

-T.J. has an old friend...



...who just might be able to help us.

Come on. Watch your step.



Right this way, please.









-Sit down.

-itís good to see you.



itís been a long time.



This is the list from

the man-whore union.



itís got all the clients that went out

with the dead gigolos.






Please be quiet. I went through

a great deal of trouble to get this.




-Now, if you want to compete...



...with the European man-whores...


            need to learn how to really

please a woman.



-I should write some of this down.

-Go ahead.



You must be able

to pleasure a woman with..



With your..



Pleasure her with...?



Do you want me to try?



All right.



Women really like that?



Man-whore down.



Get the list. itís in his pants.



All right. I think l got it.



Can't a brother stick his hand

down another man's pants...



...without setting off

the faggot alarm?



Marlene Alsmere.

She went out with Diego and Heinz.



What am I gonna do

if she tries to kill me?



Distract her with your magic she-nis,

Iíll look for evidence.



The lipstick and the leopard coat.



All right. Hi, Iím Deuce Bigalow.

Hi, Iím Deuce Bigalow.



Hi, Iím Deuce-- Biggest lady

live ever seen.



That's a huge bitch.






Cute kids. Are they yours?



Those pictures, they come with the

frames. Iím unable to have children.



Iím so sorry. That must be

very hard for you.






That big whore got food everywhere.



You're a nice man.



Now, take off your clothes.



Don't you wanna talk a little more?

You seem very interesting.



Take them off!



''Dutch Bride.''



Baby walk to Mommy.



Come, come.



No! Like baby!



Baby walk to Mommy.



Good baby.



Come to Mommy.



Baby hungry? Want booby?



Baby never eat again.



You like them big hairy balls,

don't you?



Bad pussy! Bad pussy!



Hold it!



Hold it right there.

is this truck full of marijuana?



is this truck full of marijuana?

Can't you read the sign?



No unloading pot in the red zone.



Write him up.



-But, sir, it's my daughter's birthday.




She's turning   .

We need all this pot for the party.



inspector. I got these lipsticks

from Marlene Alsmere.



She was a customer of Heinz.

She's big and strong.



-She could easily be the killer.

-The lipstick the killer uses...


            a very rare one.



Shimmer Lavender Love number   .

Discontinued in     .



But.... But....



Sir, I have a list of the women who

went out with the murdered gigolos.



-Will you stop doing that?

-Will you stop playing these games...



-...and tell me where T.J.'s hiding?

-T.J.'s innocent.



Oh, don't make me laugh.

''T.J.'s innocent.''



Uncle! You forgot your lunch.



That's very nice. Thanks.



-Let me-- Let me help you with that.

-Thank you.



Excuse me for asking...



...but why did you

slap yourself like that?



Promise you won't laugh?



I promise.



I have Obsessive

Compulsive Disorder.



I have these little rituals

that I can't help doing.



I can't touch doorknobs,

I snap my fingers when I see a bus.



And when someone sneezes,

I slap myself three times.



Iíve heard of that. That's not so bad.



Iím sorry. Bells make me do that.



it got me kicked out of school.



itís okay. Everyone's got

a few weird habits.



Actually, Iíve got about    .



So you're above average.



I mean....

Iím Deuce.



Iím Eva.



is that a Sudanese Sweetlips?



-How did you know?

-itís, like, my top-five favorite fish.



They have one

here at the aquarium.



I heard this place is incredible.



The doorknob?



Iíll get it. Okay.



Thanks. Thank you.



He's beautiful.



That's really good.



Thank you.



Excuse me, but in America they don't

allow smoking in aquariums.



Well, in Europe, we don't unilaterally

attack a country just to steal their oil.






''What?'' Did I offend you?

Are you going to shock and awe me?



Maybe you should check my pockets

for weapons of mass destruction!



What? I just asked you

to put your cigarette out.



And then what is next?



Take wine away from my children?



I put out this cigarette.

God bless America.



The nicotine in that cigarette

is poisonous.



-So they say.

-it could kill every fish in that tank.



Poor little fishy.



Hey. Why are you with that loser?



You have a nice ass.



I think this belongs to you.



You dick!



I would like to take you from behind.



My penis is uncircumcised.



No head.



itís like a torpedo.



-You pig.

-Oh, are you tired of swimming?



Did the little fishies

not want to play with you?



Fuck off, you Yank!



Iím staying with

my uncle for the summer.



Then I go back

to art school in Brussels.



Could I take you out

for coffee sometime?



You mean like a date?



Well, yeah.



Oh, the siren.



Right. Right. Siren.



Before I can go on a date I have to

collect five different colored tulips...


            two herring and drink a beer

from a wooden shoe.



Well, that sounds do-able.



What is it?



The accordion player?



The Smelly Finger Dance.



One cheek at a time.



Hey, guys. I need a quick gigolo fix.

What do you say?



Iím judging a sandcastle-building

competition this afternoon...


            I can't help you.



The dog ate my penis.



You don't have to walk me

any further. I just work over there.



-I don't mind.

-Iím kind of embarrassed of my job.



Iím kind of embarrassed of my job too.

What do you do?



Bye, Deuce.



Well, well, well. lf it isn't

Deuce Not-So-Big-Below.



itís Bigalow.



What's your going rate, Douche?



Well, I was getting $   .



Okay, gigolo. Do you even know

when a woman is having an orgasm?



Sure I know. itís when she says:



''Please stop. itís okay. You tried.



Now, get off me.''



I bet he doesn't even know

how to give a Sneaky Castro.



Well, that depends. lf she wants it

regular sneaky or extra sneaky.



There is no such thing

as an Extra Sneaky Castro.



is there?



itís when you stick it in their....



itís pretty convenient, your friend

killing off all the competition.



Iíve got my eye on you, Small-Below.






I'll be right down.






This is the woman

that went out with Heinz...



...the night before

he was murdered.



Don't worry about it, Sherlock Ho.

I ain't gonna let you out of my sight.



Hi, you must be Lily. Iím Deuce.



Nice to meet you.



Would you like some bread?



Oh, I can't have bread.



It makes my

esophageal lining swell up...



...and could block my throat-hole.



-Excuse me for a second.




Pardon me. I had to clear.






-So, what do you do?

-I just got fired.



-Iím sorry.

-I was a phone-sex operator.



I only lasted a week.

They were jealous of me.



I heard that Heinz Hummer

had a bit of a jealous streak.



I bet you're glad he's dead.



Heinz was the most

gentle man I ever knew.



I miss him and his mangina.



I can't take it anymore.



Iím sorry. I can see that

you really liked Heinz.



-Here, let me get that for you.




-Let's go.

-I think Iím gonna puke.



I started smoking again

when I lost my job.



lf I don't find another one pretty soon,

Iím gonna lose my house.



Well, we'll just have to find

you a new one.



-Relax. Have some wine.




I don't normally drink red wine so....



I have hiccups.



-Gone down the wrong hole, I think.

-Check, please.



Deuce, I can't thank you enough.



itís good for you, it's good for them.

Iím just glad it worked out.



-I better get to work.

-Iíll be hearing from you.






The white zone is for loading

and unloading of vehicles only.



There is no parking

in the white zone.



Thanks, Deuce. I had fun last night.



The white zone..



I am Rodrigo Bollas de Madera.



I am here for my   :  

ass-hair bleaching.



Okay. How blond do you wanna go?






Good choice.



Oh, hey.



I got a real Janeane Garofalo

situation back there, so go for it.



So, Enzo...


            any she-johns

lined up for tonight?



Well, I did a Chili Rainbow

last night so Iím exhausted.



What about you, Assapopuluss?



Iíve got the herpes so....



What are you gonna do?







-What's your excuse?



I just realized Iím gay.



Any of you guys want a blowjob?



I do.






Okay, then. I better go

put that penis in my mouth.



You're all afraid

of the Man-whore Killer.



-No. Come on.

-No, we're not.



-Get down!

-I don't wanna die!



You really should find

a better hiding place.



Oh, you haven't heard.



-Rodrigo's been killed.




Oh, my God, why? He was just

having his ass hair bleached.



He got much more than that,

I can assure you.



Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm very happy that Scotland Yard...



...has now joined the search

for the gay killer, Tiberius Jefferson.



Thank you very much.



So how about this next one?

Svetlana Revenko.



The Russian women are

a little freaky down below.



Hair start in the front,

don't end till it get to the back.



So if you gotta give

a little mouth-to-south...



...put a clothespin on your nose.



Iíll keep that in mind.



Wish me luck.



Gasov. You mind changing that

to the weather channel?



itís gonna be cold tomorrow.



I have been waiting for you,

Mr. Bigalow.



Aren't you afraid to work with the

Man-whore Killer on the loose?



What do you know about it?



Apparently there's some maniac

who's killing them all.



Some people say they deserve it.

What do you think?



I think everything

happens for reason.



You're probably wondering

why Iím wearing this veil.



I wasn't, but if you

wanna talk about it, cool.



I grew up in Chernobyl.






-What a pretty name.

-My mother...



...she work in nuclear reactor

when she was pregnant with me.



instead of a nose, I was born

with an appendage on my face.



A male appendage.



No shit?



I have always been a little

self-conscious about it.



Well, you shouldn't. I mean....



A lot of women would love

to have a guy's dick on their face.



Yours is just permanent.



You are sweet.



And very handsome

for an American.



I like you.



I would love to hear

some Latin music.



Well, Iíll see if the penis knows any.



I mean the pianist.



The guy playing the piano.



The band has started.

Aren't we lucky?



Damn, no lipstick.



-You smell nice. What is it?

-itís Old Nice.



itís a knockoff of Old Spice.



I like it, but I think

it makes me sneeze.



What happens when you sneeze?



Oh, Jesus, Iím sorry.



Oh, good Lord.

Now is a good time to turn.






How long are you going

to be staying in Holland?



Only until I can prove

my friend T.J.'s innocent.



is there someone waiting

for you back home?



itís kind of hard to explain.



Would you like to meet her?



She's here in Amsterdam?



itís my wife.



I got her right here in my duffel bag.



Kate, this is my new friend, Eva.



She passed away

a couple of years ago...



...and this is all I have left

of her and I....



Nice to meet you.



She was very lucky to have

someone so devoted to her.



Hey, can I see you

when you get off work?



Oh, you know, Iíd really love to,

but Iím going to be so tired.







Eva. Eva.



Did you just kiss me nine times

because of your OCD?



No. itís because I like you.



Excuse us, coming through.



What are they doing

in there, anyway?



They're making a movie.



Cool. What kind of movie?



-l better get to work.




in there? You work in there?



-Yeah. Well--

-Hi, Eva. Great work yesterday.



-Thank you.

-Eva. Eva. Listen...



...we really need you on the set.

All the guys are waiting.



-All the guys?

-Yeah. I can't keep them waiting.



Bye, Deuce.



Iíll put your name on the list.



Hey, whoa, whoa.



Back of the line, buddy.



Trust me, she's worth the wait.



itís a closed set,

you can't come in.



Like hell I can't.



Get off her, you little freak!



Eva, you don't have to do this.



Hey, I agreed to one midget,

not two!






Eva, you don't have to do this.



Do what?










You painted that?



Iím a scenic artist.



So that's what you do here.



Hey, little friend.

I guess I owe you a big..



Stoner Steve here! Who wants

to get high? Stoner Steve!



-T.J., is that you?

-Quiet, you dumb prosti-dude.



I went out with every girl

on that list in Holland.



-Find the rest of those bitches.

-Those women live in other countries.



Goddamn, white boy! Pack up that

snatch-pole and go find the real killer!



Stoner Steve! Stoner Steve Cafť!









Hey, look at that.



Look at that, right there.



Are you sure?



T.J., there you are.



The girl with the giant ears

heard Heinz talking...



...about some photo in the man-whore

society. We gotta get in there.



-Why aren't you in disguise?

-Iím in disguise.



Iím in blackface.



-But you're black.

-Yeah, but Iím disguised...


            a different black guy.



-You look the same.

-What you trying to say?



-We all look alike?

-No, that's not it.



You're such a racist. I got half a mind

to stop helping you save me.



Come on. Jeez, let's go.



Excuse me. This is a private club.

Man-whores only.



Hey, Iím a real good man-whore.

Just go ask your mama.



Still. Iím going to have

to ask you to leave.



That's what your mama said

after l bang her.



Okay, that's it.



Go, go, go!



Hey, your mama is in here.



itís okay. I know

what Iím talking about.



If you're going to stick two in there,

you're gonna need a lot of lubricant.



I know what Iím talking about, huh?



Okay, I gotta go now, Ma.



Hey, this thing is locked.



Man! I only heard about this place.



This is where

man-whoring all started.



Check it out. You know who this is?



He was the first guy

to keep from shooting his load...


            thinking about sports.



This guy, here?

Baron Von Doggy Style.



Led a pimping expedition

to the Arctic Circle.



Froze to death

sixty-nining a moose.



The only thing left of him

is this stick...



...which he used

to bitch-slap Eskimos.



Now, this brother here,

Kunta Kuntlicker.



He's the Jackie Robinson

of ass-eating.



Vladmir Suckmeov.



The first man-ho in space.

They were studying...



...the effects of zero gravity

on the reach-around.



-Will you cut it out?

-Iím sorry. This is my Graceland.



Hey. Wait a minute.

Hey, check this out.



That's the blond lady with the

leopard coat. This must be the killer.



So, what are you going to wear

to the Man-whore Awards?



I thought Iíd go with a tux and satin

chaps with my ass-plug cuff link..



-You left the trophy case open again.

-Whoa, papa, that wasn't me.






-I gotta fart.

-You gotta what?



-I gotta fart.

-Well, hold it.



I hear something.



I think the building is squeaking.



Maybe it's a bird.



You idiot!







Security! Stop them!






-Move the curtain!

-What the hell?



Somebody smoked a he-bitch!



-Enzo? He kill Enzo.

-No, no, I didn't do it.



What is that?



That is not a dick in my hand.



Anybody got some antibacterial gel?

I got burnt dick on my hand.



Eva. Eva.



-Iím in the shower.

-T.J.'s been arrested.



I can't hear you!

Iíll be out in a minute!



In his gayest murder yet, the

homosexual Man-whore Killer...



...murdered famed gigolo

Enzo Giarraputo.



Our meteorologist Trus is sick today.

Filling in is Henk van de Berg.



What's the matter?

Why are you looking at me like that?



Like what?



Iíll get that. I was a

Boy Scout for almost a week.



So is your uncle home?



No. We're completely alone.



Would you like some cheese?



Iím lactose intolerant.



Why are you so jumpy?



Maybe I can help you relax.



You're shaking.



Maybe it's because Iím cold.



I can fix that.



Why don't you pour us a drink.



So I guess we're all alone, huh?






Deuce. You're scaring me.






Listen, everything Iím about to do

is because I really care for you.



Oh, Deuce.



Now, I don't know why....



l don't know why you've done this, but

Iím gonna give you everything Iíve got.






-Don't go in there. Stop!

-Gaspar. Gaspar.



I know who the killer is.

I know who the killer is.



I know who the killer is.



I knew sooner or later

someone would figure it out.



Iím sorry I have to be

the one to tell you.



itís Eva.



itís Eva?



You mean my niece Eva?



I know it sounds crazy...



...but I found the lipstick.

The same lipstick the killer used.



Shimmer Lavender Love number   

at your house.



And you found it in the pocket

of a trench coat hanging in the closet?



Exactly. Plus, I heard her whistling the

same song I heard the killer whistle.






Now, you tell me.

Why would anyone but the killer...


            whistling that specific song?

The odds would be astronomical.



Maybe the song

got stuck in her head...



...because she overheard

the real killer whistling it.



And maybe the real killer

is someone...



...very near and dear to her,

though she doesn't realize.



Sure. Or maybe the Hamburglar did it

and escaped with the Great Pumpkin.



Look, I understand this must be

very difficult for you...


            be out-thunk

by a civilian like myself.



But we have to put

our egos aside right now...



...and do what's best for Eva.



She's clearly ill

and she needs our help.



You're absolutely right.



You know, the only thing

I can't think of is motive.



I mean, what could she

have against man-whores?



Maybe because they represent

a decline of this once glorious city...



...which has become a new Sodom

and Gomorrah for rich college kids...


            smoke hash, to fornicate

with Venezuelan hookers...



...or to defecate on our

historic cobblestone streets.



They don't defecate on the streets.



Well, how do you know he's a tourist?

I mean, he could be a local.



Where is Eva now?



She's at your house.






Do you really think you need

all those weapons?



She doesn't seem that dangerous.



-You're not gonna hurt her, are you?

-You can never be too careful.



-That poor guy.

-What a dipshit.



Tonight, the sexually-inadequate men

of Europe can breathe easy...



Tonight, the sexually-inadequate men

of Europe can breathe easy...


            in the knowledge that all

of the continent's finest gigolos...



...are right here under one roof,

all asking:



''Who is gonna walk away

with the Golden Boner?''



In this car, we have Assapopuluss

and his date for the evening.



-Damn it.

-His mother.



She's the woman that made me

start into prostitution...



...made me go into prostitution.

l wanted to become a doctor, but....



Uncle, you home?



What a beautiful couple,

mother and man-whore.



''Man-Whore Awards''?



Please welcome your host for this

evening. Johnny Vaughan.



Thank you very much. Can I just say,

ladies, gentlemen, man-whores...



...a night where we celebrate guys

who can get wood no matter what.



Do you know,

they have gay-pride days.



-Oh, my God.




-Iím going to kill them all.

-But why?



Don't you see what's happening

to our country?



But it's murder.



During the final number, when these

man-whores are gathered on-stage...



...I push this little button and:



Bye-bye, gigolos.



Shouldn't be that hard to pin the crime

on your good friend Deuce Bigalow.



I won't let you!



If you wanna stop me...


           's as simple as touching

this doorknob.



-Where's Eva?

-Eva's gone to the Man-whore Awards.



-Iím going there too.

-Iím coming with you.



Yes. Yes, you should be there too.



Now let me give you all

the lowdown on T.J.



Now let me give you all

the lowdown on T.J.



in Thailand, I got a job in a carnival

sideshow, eating broken glass.



We did six shows a day.

That's a lot of broken glass.



And it's all collected in the lining

of my anus.



My ass is like one big,

nasty cheese grater.



Here to perform his signature move,

the Chili Rainbow...



...would you please welcome

Assapopuluss Borealis.






Deuce! Right here!



-Hey, Eva's right behind us.

-Deuce, stop!



What are you doing?

She's right back there.



-He's the killer!




You're with the killer!



-Iím with the dealer?

-He's the Man-whore Killer!






My uncle is the killer!



Oh! Iím with the.. You're the k..



She says that l am the killer,

you stupido.



But why? What did man-whores

ever do to you?



What did they do to me?



All my life I dreamed

of being one thing: a gigolo.



Yes, me. Gaspar Voorsboch.



Iíll never forget that day. Never.



It was my first semester

at Man-whore University.



Now, today, class...



...we shall learn how to give a lady

a proper Portuguese Breakfast.



You take an egg and you crack it.



You mix them up.



Now, this is a good chance

to sweet-talk the client.




-And we pour that in there.



-Beautiful. Very nice, now. And..

-And don't forget the Canadian bacon.



Canadian bacon.

I was getting to that.



-What are you doing?

-itís a penis enlarger.



Just a few pumps

and it gets your thing bigger.



You mind if I give myself

a few pumps?



Go nuts.



There we go. So there you have it.



Tell me. How was your

Portuguese Breakfast?










They knew she was my fiancťe.



And tonight I will get my revenge.



Leave it!



Iím from Canada and Iím wasted!



-Are you all right?




-Are you okay?

-Stop! Stop!



Police business.



Come on, we gotta stop him.



Stop! Stop! Man-whore business.



Before we present the award for

Man-whore of the Year...



...let's take a moment to honor those

gigolos who have recently passed.



Hey, Daddy. I was looking in your

underwear drawer and I found...



...this bracelet.



Holy mother of God.

That's not a bracelet, boy.



That is a device that your daddy

has to wear on his he..



His he..



His he..



Happy birthday, son,

you got a bracelet.






Let's go. Come on.



Now the award you've all

been waiting for:



The Man-whore of the Year.



Listen. Go get help. Iíll get

all the gigolos off the stage.



Okay. Good luck.



Excuse me.



You have to get off the stage

now or you'll all be killed!



Get the hell out of here, Douche,

before I have you thrown out.



-There's a bomb on the stage!

-You idiot.



You're all gonna die!



Iím the Man-whore Killer.

This is a bomb!



Everybody out!

Everybody get out!



You gotta get out of here!



You'll die with the rest

of them, Bigalow.



Those gigolos robbed me

of my manhood.



I was never able to satisfy a woman.

Iíll see to it that they won't either.



You don't have to kill anyone, Gaspar.

Because you can please a woman.



Those gigolos don't know

what they're talking about.



is he talking about us?



Do you really think

all a woman wants...


            some guy to give her

a Mud Pretzel...



...or Turkish Snow Cone

or an Irish Facial?



-Yes, they do, liar.

-No, they don't.



A woman wants a guy who'll ask her

about her day and really listen to her.



-Or at least pretend to.







When she's hurting...



...ask her how she feels.



-Cry with her.




These gigolos are just

ripping women off!



I've never had any complaint

from any of those freaks!



I faked it.



A woman doesn't care

if you wear a Rolex watch...



...or have a gigantic schlong

like Heinz Hummer.



This guy knows his shit.



What are you doing?



Anyone else?



If you let a woman know you care,

maybe she'll give you an Irish Facial.



We will die together, man-whore.



-You don't have to do this.

-They ruined my life.



-Give me the detonator.




My penis exploded.



Okay, that's a tough one.

Iíll give you that.



But having a penis

is way overrated. Trust me.



No. No.






Are you okay?



We did it.



That's the grossest thing

I've ever seen.



And I've seen some

pretty gross things.



-in the car.

-Put your head down.



-in the car.

-Put your head down.



Iíll be seeing you again, man-whore.



Deuce, you saved

the Man-whore Society.



The Golden Boner belongs to you.



Thanks. I'm.. That's very....



This belongs to you too.



Hang it to the left.



You gonna eat that?



-Knock yourself out.

-Thank you.



So I guess this means

you're a real gigolo now.



I don't want you

to treat me differently.



How much would you

charge me for a kiss?



Well, the first one's always free.







Oh, no. No, it's..



itís just this.






Thank you, Jesus.



Did anybody hurt you in there?



Oh, you asking if I got ass-punked.

is that what's happening right now?



-Not if you don't wanna talk about it.

-Well, turns out Iím not that attractive.



Well, you've been cleared

of murder...



-...but people still think you're gay.

-Hey, hey, hey.



Don't tell nobody Iím not gay.

Look at it:



T.J., the gay man's pimp.



I mean, Iím gonna corner the market.

Check out my new bitches.



-Hello, darling.

-Hi, sweetie.



Love you.



Let's get chicken and waffles.

My treat.



So the first thing a brother wants

out of prison is chicken and waffles?



-Oh, come on.

-Get your she-cocks back to work.


Special help by SergeiK