Dick Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Dick script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Kirsten Dunst and Michelle Williams movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Dick. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Dick Script


            In 1974 President Richard Nixon resigned in disgrace...

            ...amid the Watergate scandal.

            One of the mysteries of the 20th century...

            ...pertains to the identity of Deep Throat...

            ... the inside source who leaked the information to The Washington Post.

            Who is Deep Throat?

            Tonight, my guests will answer that question.

            Bob Woodward, Carl Bernstein...

            ...Post reporters who broke the story so many years ago.

            -Nice to have you here. -Thank you for having us.

            Let's just get right to it.

            Who is...

            ...Deep Throat?

            Well, first of all, we're not telling you.

            Second, I was under the impression that I would be the only guest tonight.

            Well, I guess you're not, Bob.

            You know, you guys are getting pretty old now.

            So what's your point?

            I'm wondering, are you ever going to tell anybody...

            ... who Deep Throat is...

            ...before you die?

            Well, a lot bigger names than you...

            ...have asked us who Deep Throat is, so....

            I don't think we'd reveal it on a little show like this.

            You know what I think?

            I mean, I'm just gonna come right out and say it.

            I don't think there is a Deep Throat. I think you made it up.

            -Yes, there is. Deep Throat is-- -Don't say it! He's trying to trick us!

            I'm sorry, Bob.

            Don't ever touch me.

            -Bob, I said I'm sorry. -Don't ever--

            You smell like cabbage.

            Oh, fudge!

            Dear Bobby:

            I'm having so much fun already.

            I need you to concentrate.

            -Dear Bobby: -Hold on, hold on.

            -Here's the number one reason-- -Wait.

            Arlene, I need to have time to review my letters.

            -We have a deadline, Betsy. -I know.

            But I need to concentrate. Let me just look at them.

            Okay. Dear Bobby:

            Here's the number one reason that I think--

            Okay, I'm ready.


            Dear Bobby:

            Here's the number one reason that I think that you should choose me...

            ...Arlene Lorenzo...

            ...for the "Win A Date With Bobby Sherman" contest...

            -...in Tiger Beat magazine. -Hold on. Wait.

            Number one: I love you.

            And number two: I just think you're cute.

            B, B. Oh, my God, they're both together.

            But the main reason that I think you should pick me, Arlene Lorenzo...

            ...is because we're soul mates, Bobby.

            You are so brilliant, Arlene.

            So what do we have so far?

            " Dear Bobb...


            I think maybe I could type faster than you.

            Four more years! Four more years!

            -What are you looking at? -Nothing.

            You seem pretty interested in nothing.

            Give me those.

            I'll take the one doing cartwheels.

            What time is it?


            The gemstone is glistening.

            The gemstone is glistening.

            She's finally asleep!

            The deadline to enter the contest is midnight. We have to hurry.

            We have to mail this letter. Go...

            ...so I can win, or I swear I'll die.

            -Evening, Mr. Whipple. -Evening.

            Don't squeeze the Charmin.

            -Hi, Dad. -Hi, Georgie.

            -Can I carry the Charmin? -Yep, but no squeezing.

            What did you do in the store today?

            You should've seen it.

            There I was, and these two ladies were squeezing the Charmin.

            This way, we can get back in without having to go to the lobby.

            So nobody'll ever see us and tell my mom.

            You're a genius!

              Down, down!

              It's Fat Freddy.

              That is so disgusting.

              Go, go, go!

              What the--?

              Oh, shit!

              Max, call the cops. Looks like we got a break-in here.

              You know why I love Bobby?

              Because he cares about people, but also about nature and ecology.

              I need a status report. Give me a    for gemstone. Over.

              Jewel thieves!


              Hold it!

              Get away from us!

              Young people running wild in the middle of the night.

              By the time you're grown, you'll be living in the Soviet Union of America!

              She's still out like a light.

              We have the suspects in custody!

              It was a jewel heist.

              See if you can get any statements from them.



              What are you two doing up at this hour?


              Last night, five men were arrested in the Democratic Committee office...

              ... during an attempted burglary at the Watergate complex.

              It has been confirmed...

              ... that one of the arrested was formerly an employee of the CIA.

              Aren't you students excited...

              ...about visiting the home of the President and the first family?

              Well, not really.

              And after our tour, we're having lunch at McDonald's.

              I love McDonald's so much!

              French fries! French fries!

              He looks like he's wearing blush.

              That guy has T.P. stuck to his shoe.

              Hey, mister!

              -Hey, you! -Shorty, turn around.

              Young lady, I am a very busy man.

              Wait a minute, I know you.

              Me too. But from where?

              I don't know.

              Do you sell corn dogs at the mall?

              As far as you're concerned, I have no identity at all.

              As a matter of fact...

              ...l'm not even here.

              He's way weirder than the corn-dog guy.

              And this isn't T.P.

              It's a piece of paper with names and amounts of money on it.

              " CREEP list"?

              I guess all the people on that list must be creeps.


              Let's go.

              Jesus, Gordon, they're just little girls.

              They were in the Watergate last night. They know too much, Bob.

              I want to interrogate them.

              I think you've done enough, what with bumbling the burglary and all.

              Just pay off all your guys on that CREEP list.

              Don't worry about that. I've got that right here.

              G. Gordon Liddy isn't going to let down the President of the United States.

              Would you ladies like to see the west wing of the White House?


              This is fun.

              Look at that b--


              ...when you think of your President...

              ...do you think...

              ...friendly thoughts?

              I don't think about him that much.

              But when you do...

              ...you don't think...

              ...unfriendly thoughts, do you?

              So you would never want to do anything that might...


              ...the President?

              Never. No.

              Because you see--

              Excuse me, Mr. Haldeman.

              It's your wife. She says it's rather urgent.

              Excuse me, ladies.

              Hello, dear.

              Just putting out a little fire here.

              I can stop by the store on the way home.

              A dozen? The poppy kind.

              I'll tell you the problem. The dog doesn't like me.

              Kennedy and Johnson had dogs that liked them. That's the problem.

              Mr. President, maybe you should show the dog more affection.

              Maybe I ought to fire you!

              Come on, boy.

              Looks away. Doesn't look at me.

              What'd I do to him? Nothing.

              You're supposed to love me, Checkers.

              Shouldn't you call him King Timahoe, sir?

              Come here.

              Where's he going?

              No, I am not uptight.

              When did you start talking like that, anyway?

              What's going on in here?

              Mr. President, if I may.

              Look how cute you are. Come here.

              It's the President.

              I mean, all I asked for was a simple bugging, all right?

              I don't know how many times we've done that.

              And here they go and screw it up.

              Hi, puppy. Nice puppy!

              Nice puppy!

              Have you paid them off yet?

              CREEP has made up a list of who to pay off...

              ...and Liddy's taking care of it now.

              Are you the President's dog trainer?

              I'm John Dean, Chief White House Counsel.

              That's too bad.

              Oh, thank you!

              That one lives in the Watergate.

              They were there the night of the break-in.

              Do they know anything?

              I love your ears. Look at the ears!

              Sir, I've met yams with more going on upstairs than those two.

              Now, Bob.

              I remember when...

              ...when Julie...

              ...and what's her name, Tricia...

              ...were that age.

              If it wasn't about makeup or Frankie Avalon, they didn't give a hoot.

              -You're the softest dog. -What should I do with them?

              I'll take care of it.

              How're you doing, young ladies?

              What are your names?

              I'm Betsy and this is Arlene, Mr. President.

              Call me Dick.

              Hi, Dick.

              How old are you?


              We have an urgent communiqué from Anderson Air Force Base.


              So cute.

              Excuse me, I wasn't informed that you are in the middle of....

              What are you in the middle of?

              One minute, Henry.

              Young ladies...

              ...l've got a proposition for you.

              How would you two be interested in being...

              ...official White House dog walkers? What do you think?



              Who are these little girls?

              I don't know, but it doesn't look constitutional to me.

              Thank you!

              -Thank you so much. -We're gonna walk you!

              -I'm so happy. -Thank you. I'm really excited!

              Sure. Very good.

              Mr. President, really, we have to make a decision...

              ...regarding offensive action north of the   nd parallel.

              Bottom line, Henry...

              ...is we bomb them or we don't, isn't it?

              I wouldn't put it exactly in that--

              I have something to say.

              Go on, Arlene.

              War is not healthy for children and other living things.

              Henry, that's the voice of the youth of America.

              Yeah, well, first of all...

              ...it wasn't a war that this administration started.

              Henry, Jesus, let's not start that.

              Isn't there somebody waiting out there for me?

              The Joint Chiefs of Staff. Let's go!

              Welcome on board. Hey, good to have you.

              Mr. Haldeman, it's your wife.

              Have a great day. Congratulations!

              I don't have time to talk to her.

              -You're starting another war! -I don't have time to talk to her.

              If you have a problem with Vietnam, talk to Johnson.

              -He's dead! -Yeah, thank God.

              Do we bomb or not bomb? Let's get this done with today.

              There they are.

              I'm sorry!

              We're coming!

              Because of your thoughtlessness...

              ...we have missed the field trip lunch at McDonald's...

              ...which the students on the other buses are now enjoying.

              We will return to school...

              ...for a cold lunch...

              ...in the cafeteria.

              But we really did meet the President. I swear to God.

              And he did ask us to be the official White House dog walkers.

              Every lie is another brick...

              ...in the pathway to hell.

              You're so stupid.

              I hate you.

              Guess what happened to us today!

              What's the matter?

              Your brother got his letter.

              I got drafted.

              Now you can get my room, like you always wanted.

              Betsy, are you okay?

              I'm fine.

              I was wondering what we'll do with his crappy bed, dresser and nightstand.

              You think the President meant it when he said we could walk Checkers?

              You think the President meant it when he said we could walk Checkers?

              He's the President, Betsy. He always means what he says.

              We should bake him cookies.

              Let's make Hello Dollies. It's my mom's special recipe.

              All's my mom says is that my dad died in a car crash before I was born.

              You've never seen a single picture or anything?

              She said it upset her too much, so she threw everything away.

              No offense, but it's obvious you're being lied to.

              The whole story is way too convenient.

              Is the butter melting?

              Are you making those cookies?

              Yes, but you can't have any.

              They're for the President.

              Don't forget the walnuts, man.

              So you really think that my father could be alive?

              Alive and famous. It makes perfect sense.

              He was probably married...

              ...and your mom had to keep it a secret to protect his reputation.

              How come there's little green leaves in the walnuts?

              Larry says they're just from the walnut tree.


              ...your dad could be watching you now, his heart breaking...

              ...because he can't reach out to the only person that matters to him:

              His beautiful, darling daughter.

              My life is so tragic.

              Or it could be even worse.

              What if you fall in love and are about to marry...

              ...and you find out your fiancé's dad is your dad too...

              ...and that you're brother and sister!

              Oh, my God!

              It's called incest, Arlene...

              ...and it's against the law.

              We're here to play with Checkers. The President knows about it.

              You're not on the appointment list. Please step back.

              The President wants us to walk his dog, Checkers.

              Please step back. If you don't comply, you'll be removed.

              You are a meanie!

              Stupid kids.

              I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

              I can't believe I ate that whole thing.

              You ate it, Ralph.

              Doesn't anybody realize that Kung Fu isn't Chinese?

              He doesn't even look Chinese. He looks like the mailman.

              Why don't you go to Canada like Mom says?

              Too much information's coming in. I have to maintain.

              But the old drugs aren't working.

              We need to create new drugs.

              Have you guys been eating those cookies?

              We gave them to Mom and Dad to taste.

              They ate all of them and started giggling and went upstairs.

              I think they're having sex now.

              I have an idea.


              Let's ask the President to stop the war.

              How will we get into the White House?

              Unless you wanna keep the war going, so you can have Larry's room.

              Larry's a freak and all...

              ...but I'd be sad if he, you know....


              I really hope that this works.

              Of course it will.

              You're the smartest person I know.

              But you don't know anybody.

              If you flirt with him...

              ...then I can stand off to the side and do my special whistle.

              I like your hair. It's really dry look.

              Okay, stop that.

              We have to talk to the President.

              Code yellow, central corridor.

              Code yellow, central corridor.

              Oh, my God!

              Ladies, this way.

              Let's go.

              Make sure photographers are outside the restaurant...

              ...when I come out after lunch.

              Hey, German guy! Remember us?

              We're here to walk Checkers and talk to Dick about the war!

              I know them.

              Yes, that's all right. That's okay.

              I'm familiar with these young ladies.

              Well, I'm not "familiar" familiar. I know them.

              We've had discussions about foreign policy and....

              What, what? Don't you give me that look.

              I'll take responsibility.

              I'll be the only person who's willing...

              ...to take responsibility for anything.

              -I think I got bruised. -Did somebody hurt you?

              You have to remember it took Charles de Gaulle...

              ...four years to extricate himself from Algeria.

              Not that I'm comparing myself to de Gaulle.

              -Wars are extremely hard to stop. -You're right.

              Rose, these young-- You're very becoming this morning.

              These ladies want to see the President.

              Our President has the weight of the free world on his shoulders...

              ...and he doesn't have time to see any old person.

              Hello, girls.

              How are you?

              Come on in.

              The President will see you now.

              Not you, Henry.

              That's all right. I'm late for an interview anyway...

              -...with the Nobel Committee. -Right.

              I'll be a monkey's uncle...

              ...if these aren't the yummiest cookies I've ever had.

              Thanks. It's a secret recipe.

              Secret, eh?


              ...there doesn't seem to be any point to it.

              Point to what?

              The war.

              See, girls...

              ...we're fighting the Communists because Communism is immoral.

              That's the whole point.

              Don't you think it's more important what's going on here?

              What do you mean?

              Well, I mean...

              ...nobody at our school's worried about Communism...

              ...but everybody talks about Mac Washington because he got killed there.

              -And Betsy's brother just got drafted. -He's maintaining.

              He's maintaining?

              Good for him.

              I think people would like you better if you stopped the war.

              Well, don't worry your pretty little heads. Okay?

              I think we know what we're doing.

              I guess so.

              Can we walk Checkers now?

              Yeah, go ahead. Have a ball.

              Secret recipe, eh?

              I'm feeling lightheaded.

              These are scrumptious.

              I've gotta tell you, I haven't felt this way in--

              Again? They must never let him out.

              I know. Would you look at all that shit?

              Oh, I mean, poo-poo.

              I think it was left.

              That's because you couldn't go right.

              Well, let's ask someone.

              Or not.

              Come on.

              Let's go, Checkers. Come on.

              Who the hell are you?

              We're walking the dog, Checkers, and we sort of got lost.

              We went left because you couldn't go right.

              And we're looking for the President's office...

              ...because that's who we walk the dog for.

              We're really sorry.


              Oh, I'm so sorry.

              -We brought your dog back. -We didn't know!

              What in bejesus is going on?

              All right, settle down.

              What's going on, Bob?

              They walked in on the shredding.

              They actually saw documents being shredded?

              And the cash for the payoffs.

              Checkers pooped.

              The President's dog doesn't poop. He "does his business."

              I'll take care of it.

              I've got a way with young people. They trust me.

              Why were they shredding all that paper?

              Papier-mâché is a hobby of mine.

              Nice painting of a boat.

              Step right here, actually.

              I want to have a little private chat with you.

              You know, today...

              ...you ladies gave me some very, very good counsel in foreign affairs.

              So in addition to being official dog walkers...

              ...l'd like you to be my Secret Youth Advisers.

              Which means you mustn't say a thing...

              ...about anything that happens in the White House.

              Do I have your word on that?

              Swear to God?

              -Promise. -Hope to die?

              Stick a needle in my eye!


              Are you sure, man? Are we sure it's over?


              ...it's the President. He's on national TV.

              If he says the war is over, I think you can believe him.


              At   .:   Paris-time today...

              ...January        ....

              What's going on?

              I'm gonna live.

              They're pulling everybody out of Vietnam. The war's over.

              I don't believe it.

              She's bumming...

              ...because her dreams of being an only child are dashed.

              Larry, stop it.

              I'm not supposed to tell you this.

              But Arlene and I are the ones who asked the President to stop the war.

              We did it because we felt sorry for you.

              You should be thanking me.

              I just want you to know...

              ...whatever she's on, I didn't give it to her.

              Well, all right. Grooving right along.

              Betsy Jobs, your turn to come on up and express yourself.

              Current events.

              I probably shouldn't be telling you this because of national security...

              ...but what the heck.

              Arlene Lorenzo and l...

              ...are Secret Youth Advisers for President Nixon.

              "--in addition to being the official White House dog walkers.

              It's fun being a Secret Youth Adviser.

              The President trusts us with national issues."

              We bake him cookies called Hello Dollies...

              ...that he loves and are easy to make.

              You get graham cracker crumbs, sweetened condensed milk...

              ...and all this other stuff, and you bake them.

              But they're really good.

              " I like being a Secret Youth Adviser to the President...

              ...because it means I am helping to run the country. The end."

              How dare you...

              ...come up in front of the class...

              ...and make up lies about our President?

              Absolutely wild.

              And I really dug the way you used fantasy...

              ...current events...

              ...and cooking in a kind of tapestry of storytelling.

              Thank you, Betsy.

              That was real special. Thank you. Give her a hand.

              Thank you. Thanks.

              Got the cookies?

              I've been dreaming about these.

              What's that mean?



              I mean...


              Come on, Checkers.

              There's something different about you.

              Why aren't you wearing your glasses?

              Because I got contact lenses.

              -Looks cool! -Thanks!

              Hi, Rose.

              It is imperative that we put a freeze...

              ...on nuclear weapons of mass destruction.

              Yeah, I know what nyet, nyet means.

              Excuse me a moment, Leonid.

              Settle down, Checkers.

              Hello, girls. How are you?

              Are these what I think they are?

              Nice to see you.

              You gotta try one of these cookies.

              I assure you, there's nothing like them in all the Soviet Union.

              Go ahead.

              They're called Hello Dollies.

              What are they?

              What do you think, Leonid?

              Hello Dollies, eh?

              Hello, Dolly

              Well, hello, Dolly

              It's so nice to have you back Where you belong

              Sing something.

              You're looking swell, Dolly I can tell, Dolly

              You're still glowing You're still growing

              You're still going strong

              You know, girls...

              ...l think your cookies have just saved the world...

              ...from nuclear catastrophe.

              There you go, Leonid. Hello, Dolly.

              Golly gee, fellas

              I'll have another of those

              Come away with me.

              But what about Pat?

              She understands.

              Arlene, watch out!

              Oh, my God! Are you all right?

              Quick, tell me what your name is!

              Rhoda Morgenstern.

              I am so embarrassed.

              -I don't think anyone saw. -Freak!

              Has something been on your mind lately?

              There isn't some deep feeling...

              ...you need to confess to your best and only friend?

              What are you talking about?

              -Just say it! -Say what?

              Just say it, because I already know!

              All right, I love Dick!

              This is everything about him and us since we first met.

              Here's me as his wife.

              -It looks so real. -Thank you.

              -This is cartoon Dick. -It's cute. I like that one.

              This is our White House souvenir.

              Look, I found these old magazine clippings...

              ...with stuff about him when he was young.


              He's way more distinguished now.

              A jury today convicted G. Gordon Liddy and James McCord...

              ... of eight counts, including burglary, in the Watergate break-in.

              Enough already. I am sick of Watergate.

              And I am sick of Woodward and Bernstein.

              Who are they?

              Snot-nosed Washington Post reporters...

              ...who are trying to disgrace the President.

              Anybody want some more Jell-O?

              Yes, please. Here.

              Betsy, look.

              One more question, Mr. Liddy.

              -The White House denied involvement. -He's so familiar.

              It's that weird guy!

              -What was he doing at the White House? -I don't know.

              Done! We're going upstairs.

              A spokesman for the administration once again...

              ... denied any participation in the Watergate burglary.

              President Nixon is said to be in seclusion with advisers.

              It's starting.

              Goddamn it!

              Mr. President, this is Arlene.

              -Hello, Arlene. -I'm not waking you, am l?

              I'm a night owl.

              What's the deal with that Watergate thing?

              Do you know anything about it?

              No, no, absolutely nothing. I don't know a thing.

              No way, José!

              Because I live in the Watergate...

              ...and one time we saw that Liddy guy there...

              ...then we saw him at the White House, and now he's gonna go to jail.

              Is there something I can do for you...

              ... or your family?

              There must be something you desire.

              I have to go now. Good night.

              My sweet prince.

              I think he's a vampire.

              But he doesn't even have a tuxedo.

              Oh, Myrna, you are something.

              You are really something.

              Pat, will you stop snoring, goddamn it!

              My head is about to explode!

              So you're the President's lawyer?

              Why does the President need a lawyer?

              Good question. I just....

              I don't know.

              -It's you two. -Mr. President.

              The Attorney General is waiting upstairs, sir.

              Didn't I fire him?

              It's the new one, sir.

              -We're here to walk Checkers. -Oh, my goodness!

              I'm so busy that I sometimes forget about the rest of God's creatures.

              Here. I'll be back after lunch.


              We should leave a message for Dick.

              Like what?

              I think it's time you told him how you feel.

              I can't.

              Maybe he loves you too, but he doesn't think you're interested.

              If you care for him at all...

              ...you'll tell him.

              Okay, you just have to go first.

              Hi, Mr. President!

              This is Betsy and Arlene.

              We wanted to thank you for letting us be your Secret Youth Advisers...

              ...and for letting us walk Checkers...

              ...and for....


              I don't know what else for, so here's Arlene.

              She has something very personal to tell you.

              I love you.

              I know that you have a lot of things on your mind...

              ...because you're the President and all.

              But I can't keep my feelings inside any longer.

              I've never felt this way about anyone...

              ...not even about Bobby Sherman, who I adore...

              ...but now I realize that that was just puppy love...

              ...and this is the real thing.

              Hey, Checkers. Hi, sweetie.

              I realize you're married and that we can never really be together...

              ...but I'll love you forever.

              Good boy.


              There's this song by Olivia Newton-John...

              ...that I think best describes the way I feel about you.

              It goes like this:

              I love you

              I honestly love you

              You don't have to answer

              I could see it in your eyes

              But it's coming from my heart

              And not my head

              And then there was that time...

              ...when you put your hand on my shoulder...

              ...and I got this warm, tingly feeling inside.

              And I knew, right then, at that moment--

              They'll be back soon.

              You've been on for       l  minutes.

              I have to go now. Goodbye.

              I can't believe you were talking that whole time.

              What did you say?


              It's personal.

              I want to make sure it recorded.

              Hunt's link to Colson is a problem.

              I must've pushed fast-forward.

              We can arrange for Hunt to disappear in Latin America.

              And we could always un-disappear him if we want to.

              Get down off of me, Checkers.

              Get down off of me, you piece of shit!

              So let me tell you something. We are going to use any means.

              I just don't want this whole fucking Watergate business...

              ...biting me in the ass!

              You know the goddamn Jews are out to get me!

              I don't think the President of the U.S....

              ...should be recording conversations like that.

              Make it  :  .

              Okay, will do.


              ...did Checkers do his business?

              -Excellent. -Good, good.

              I hope you left me some of those yummy cookies.

              Take care.

              We have to go.

              Oh, my stars!

              Sounds very important.

              It is.

              Mr. President?

              What is it, Bob?

              I was wondering if you had that package ready for me...

              ...to take home over the weekend?

              Yeah, the musical tapes.

              Bob and I are very big fans of Guy Lombardo.

              I taped them myself.

              Let me know what you think.

              I will, sir.

              You were saying, Arlene?

              We don't think you've been completely honest with us.

              If this is about that Watergate nonsense...

              ...let me say once again...

              ...l had nothing to do with it, okay?

              It's a plot created by my enemies to disgrace me!

              Those radical, muckraking bastards, Woodward and Bernstein...

              ...at The Washington Post!

              They're the liars here, you know!

              Always hiding behind the goddamn First Amendment!

              Let me tell you something!

              It won't protect them from me!

              Actually, it was just about the dog.

              You act like you like him...

              ...but we don't think you do.

              What dog?

              Now that you mention it, people are talking about Watergate...

              ...and they say you lied.

              And I'm Jewish.

              I know.

              I had you checked out.

              There's probably more in there than you know about yourselves.

              Even grades?


              ...your parents' income tax returns...

              ...overdue library books.

              The whole kit and caboodle.

              Is there stuff about my father in there?

              Who was he?

              A lady's shoe salesman at Garfinkle's or some such place.

              Got hit by a garbage truck at the age of   .

              Your mom never said it was a garbage truck.

              Strictly small time. Never amounted to much.

              Well, at least he wasn't a liar.

              We heard that tape!

              -What'd you hear? -You kick Checkers!

              And you're prejudiced, and you have a potty-mouth!

              You're a bad man!

              You stinking little idiots, get out of here!

              And don't ever come back here again!

              You don't mess with the big boys!


              I would like to apologize for his actions.

              He's been under a lot of stress lately.

              It's too late. We're not friends with him anymore, period!

              And if you stay, you're just as bad as he is.


              It's gonna be okay.

              I hate Dick!

              It was stupid of me to fall in love with Dick.

              What was I thinking?

              Dick just disgusts me now.

              You know, Arlene...

              ...Dick meant a lot to me too.

              But I've been thinking...

              ...you can't let Dick run your life!

              Do you mind?

              We're having a personal conversation.

              What happened?

              Larry wasn't at Jake's house. Larry was at a porno movie.

              Hi, Daddy!

              Hi, girls.

              Would you mind going upstairs for just a minute?

              Would you mind going upstairs for just a minute?

              I don't understand the title of that porno movie.

              " Deep throat" means...

              ...when the woman puts the man's penis in her mouth.

              Okay, what now?

              Prank phone calls?

              Okay, who?

              Miss Spinnler?

              Sean Freshman?

              No, we always do him.

              I know, I know! These guys!

              The " radical, muckraking bastards."


              These are the guys that are writing all that stuff about Watergate.

              And this one's kind of hunky.


              Well, you liked Dick.

              Washington Post.

              I'm the daughter of the British ambassador...

              ...and I have some very important information concerning Watergate...

              ...for your newspaper.

              One moment.

              I'm on hold!


              I can't. I can't.

              Who's this?

              I just told you. Bob Woodward.


              We know things.

              What kind of things?

              About Dick.

              I mean, the President.

              On the record?

              Can I use your name?

              They don't get that it's a joke!

              That just makes it funnier.

              Unless you go on the record or have documentation....

              I have deadlines. This is The Washington Post.

              A documentation. Like a piece of paper.

              We have a piece of paper.

              Hold on. We have a list of creeps. We got it at the White House.

              A list of creeps?


              The Committee to Re-elect the President.

              It's to Haldeman. It has a list of names, amounts of money and dates.

              Go ahead. What do you have?

              It's Magruder, Barker, Brown....

              Can I help you?

              -I'm cool. -I'm sorry, go ahead.

              Go away!


              You actually have this document in your possession?

              Yeah, it's sitting right here.

              But the only problem is that...

              ...we drew all over it, and I dropped my grilled cheese sandwich on it...

              ...so it's kind of rank.

              Benji, stop it. Get off!

              Are you insane? Or are your pants too tight?

              Who are you talking to?

              A source with proof that the Committee to Re-elect the President...

              ...paid off the Water--

              Paid off the Watergate burglars.

              And the White House knows about it.

              You can't have that conversation on the phone!

              It's too dangerous!

              Arrange a meeting.

              Ow! That really hurt me.

              That really hurt me.

              Could I meet you?

              We've been too permissive with you, young man.

              From now on, we're watching you like a hawk.

              Not around here.

              Right, you're being watched. I understand.

              There is an underground parking garage...

              There is an underground parking garage...

              ...on A Street and York Avenue.

              Across from Garfinkle's.

              We can go shopping after we meet them.

              I can meet you there tomorrow at   p.m.

              How will I know you?

              That's for me to know and you to find out.

              What are you staring at?

              There's yelling. Are you in trouble?

              Give me a name, so when you call next, I'll know it's you.

              Deep Throat!

              Deep Throat!

              Carl Bernstein. Tell me your story.

              Up yours, man!

              Deep Throat! Come here, Deep Throat boy!

              They hung up.

              -What're you doing? -It's cool.

              -What are you doing? -Helping you out.

              I swear to God...!

              You're horny!

              All right, he's not here. Let's go.

              You're Deep Throat?

              We both are.

              How old are you?


              Is that your combined ages?

              There's no need to be snotty.

              I'm just trying to imagine here, what exactly...

              ...is your connection with the White House?

              We were the Secret Youth Advisers.

              And we walked the dog. And Arlene was in love with Dick.

              Okay, I don't need to hear any more of that, really.

              Were you followed?

              What are you doing here?

              I came to make sure you were all right.

              You did not!

              You're trying to horn in on my source.

              How come you get to meet Deep Throat? I'm the one who saw that movie.

              Hi, I'm Carl Bernstein.

              -You're supposed to check phone records. -It gave me a headache.

              -Stop whining. -I'm not whining.

              Yes, you are. You're whining.

              We've talked about this.

              Are you interested in the story or not?

              At first, we thought he was really nice.

              Then we heard him saying mean things about Jews and using foul language.

              We realized he was a jerk.

              A jerk.

              We could hear him kicking the dog on the tape.

              There's a tape?

              He records everything. It's in Rose Mary's desk. He's paranoid.

              What else did he say on this tape?

              They talked about hiding...

              ...some guy in South America because he knew about Watergate.

              Let me get this straight. You're saying the President of the United States--

              -Of America. -Of America...

              ...the most powerful country in the world...

              ...is involved in this Watergate cover-up?

              -Yeah. -I guess.

              Who is he talking to on this tape?



              -No, there isn't a Hurlichman. -Yes, there is.

              There's not a Hurlichman.

              There's a Haldeman. And there's an Erlichman.

              Wait, wait, wait.

              The guy who's, like, kind of fleshy...

              ...who wears horn-rimmed glasses and a cheesy dark suit.

              It sounded like him.

              Show me which one.

              I never realized how much they all look alike.

              The document you mentioned on the phone, it was written to Haldeman?

              If we publish that, we could nail him.

              Give me skin, Daddy.

              We don't really have it right now.


              The dog ate it.

              The dog ate it.

              Great. You know, I don't need this. I went to Yale.


              We could've gotten grounded for sneaking out.

              If we could get that tape....

              But it's in the White House.

              You know who else I think is sexy is Robert Plant, from Led Zeppelin.

              He reminds me of my brother.

              Your brother's not that bad. Not that I like him.

              I can't run this. You don't have it.


              I might be willing to take the risk on these other names...

              ...but not on Haldeman. My God!

              He's the man who controls access to the leader of the free world.

              There is another source.

              You mean, your what-do-you-call-it?

              Hand Job.

              Deep Throat.

              Yeah, Deep Throat. Well, tell me about Deep Throat.

              Well, " he" Iinks the President...

              ...to the burglary...

              ...and to a cover-up.


              What branch is he in?


              How high?

              About yea high.

              Don't do this to me.

              Get some more sources on those names.

              Bring me in some hard evidence and nail it down.

              Some people think that Mick Jagger's lips are gross.

              But I think that they're sexy.

              They're like this big couch made out of skin.

              You're so hard rock now.


              That van's been right behind us since we left school. Don't look.

              I have to.

              -We're being followed. -By who?

              I don't know. Do you think it's Dick?

              Maybe he knows we talked to the " radical, muckraking bastards."

              He couldn't know.

              He could.

              Dick frightens me.

              Hello, this is Bob Woodward.

              And Carl Bernstein, Washington Post.

              Carl's on the other line. We have a few questions we'd like to ask you.

              Girls! Arlene, Betsy!

              We can't talk now.

              We need to know some names from that list you had. Do you remember any?

              We're under a lot of pressure too.

              It's okay. You don't have to name any names.

              -Don't answer. -We'll say names.

              We'll count to    . If you don't hang up, that's a confirmation.


              I'm so sorry to interrupt you.

              -Go! -Just go with it!

              I asked you to come to dinner     minutes ago.

              Now your TV dinners are ice-cold.

              In fact, they're frozen again.



              So come to the table now, or I'll never fix you dinner again, ever!




              We'll be right there, Mom.


              Thank you very much.

              They hung up.

              I'm sorry, Janet.

              You all right?

              You scared us to death! What's the matter?

              You little lying sacks of shit are the matter!


              You guys gave us bad information on the phone.

              The names on the list?

              We printed it, they denied it, and our other source backed out!

              Now everybody thinks that I'm a schmuck!

              What names?

              The names! The information!

              Listen, people are counting on you!

              You're big-shot reporters. Can't you figure anything out for yourselves?

              How could you let your dog eat that list?

              You're ruining my life!

              We have a very important report on turquoise jewelry due in two days...

              ...and we can't find books on it, and the President is having us followed.

              -It's too much pressure. -Just leave us alone!

              I'm in here, dear.

              How come you're home so early?


              ...l've met someone.

              I've met someone.

              Here he is.

              Hello, Arlene.

              How did you know my name?

              It's embroidered on your blouse.

              It's really so funny how we met.

              I was in the market at lunch and we literally just crashed into each other.

              I said, " Excuse me, your peanut butter is in my chocolate."

              And I said, "Your chocolate is in my peanut butter."

              We haven't been separated since then.

              Well, until I used the bathroom just now.

              Roderick, you're such a treasure.

              Honey, did you leave the door open?

                We've been robbed.

                My grandmother's pearls!

                My stash!

                Are you absolutely positive nothing is missing?

                I don't understand it at all.

                My jewelry case wasn't touched, but they ripped apart the sofa cushions.

                I need a drink.

                Maybe they just didn't like my wife's taste in decorating.

                If I didn't know better, I'd say someone was looking for something.

                -I can't imagine what. -We're just a normal family.

                Okay, I wouldn't go that far.

                They only stole the Hello Dollies recipe.

                Not jewelry or the TV or Larry's pot or anything.

                It's too much of a coincidence.

                Your house gets robbed, and my mom gets a boyfriend the same night?

                Why don't you like him?

                Because I think he's a spy for Dick. No guy like that would go for my mom.

                I'll buzz you up so that my mom doesn't hear.

                Betsy, what're you doing?

                Betsy, what're you doing?

                -We're being bugged! -What?

                The President of the United States is bugging our houses...

                ...and spying on us!

                What did you just say?

                It's a line from a song.

                We're being bugged

                The White House

                There's a man from The Washington Post on the phone for you.

                It's Carl Bernstein from The Post.

                The information you gave--

                We're not interested in a subscription.

                Thanks, no.

                No, we prefer the news on TV. Thank you.

                I thought we already got The Post.

                You know, there is something very strange going on here.

                I know there is.

                And I don't want to know what it is. Okay?

                And in all my years of public life, I can say...

                ... that I have never, ever obstructedjustice.

                This is all his fault.

                The people have got to know...

                ... whether or not their President is a crook.


                ...l'm not a crook.

                He's trying to drive me insane.

                Oh, my God!

                We have to get out of here!

                -Oh, my God! -It's okay.


                Oh, my God!

                So these girls are a threat to national security?

                According to the President.

                How dare those people keep treating us like stupid teenage girls!

                We are stupid teenage girls.

                No, Betsy, we're human beings.

                And we're American citizens.

                And fourscore and seven years ago, our forefathers...

                ...did something. I don't know what.

                But I do know one thing: Dick's ass is grass.

                Where are we going? What are we doing?

                If Haldeman has the tapes that Woodward and Bernstein want...

                ...we're gonna find them.

                This is it. This is Haldeman's house.


                Look, there's somebody there.

                Haldeman must have a son.

                Wait, let me see.

                We have a mission.

                We have to figure out a way to get inside and find those tapes.

                Don't worry, Arlene.

                I'll do it.

                Do you remember me?

                Betsy, right.

                From the Homecoming dance.


                Want to make out?


                Are you all right?


                I need to go to the bathroom. Will you excuse me?

                What's going on here?

                Beer bong?

                I'm tripping heavily already.

                You know....

                I really like you.

                Don't talk to me.

                Kiss me.

                Anybody home?

                Oh, my God, it's so terrible.

                -Dean's leaving. -Jesus!

                He's leaving, all right.

                Dean's a team player. He's not gonna cave in like that.

                No, I just don't believe it.

                You better! It'll be in the paper tomorrow.

                I talked to Dean, and he said it was true.

                It's happening. It's happening. It's real, man.

                Well, I guess...

                ...the shit's hitting the fan now?

                Damn right it's hitting the fan.

                What's the matter?

                Something's in my ass.

                Am I bleeding?

                You're fine.

                Figures that the pain in my ass is Nixon, the fascist.

                He's your dad's boss.

                My dad's an arms manufacturer.

                Aren't you Haldeman's son?

                No. That's Brad.

                I'm his roommate at school.

                He's at the dermatologist.

                But this is his house, right?

                Yeah. What the hell's going on?

                Did we meet before or not?

                So you don't remember?

                I remember like it was yesterday.

                That's funny...

                ...because we never met.


                I just saw you on the street and thought you were cute.


                You're hot.


                Liddy says...

                ...that these prisons are....

                They're like Club Med...

                ...just like Club Med.

                Well, I have...

                ...a particularly incriminating tape I brought home.

                I should give that a listen.

                Sure. Yeah, I'll say hi to the wife.

                -Take care. -Okay. You take care too.

                Sorry, Mr. Haldeman.

                That's okay, Chip.

                Who is this?

                This is Betsy, sir.

                Wait a minute.

                I know you.

                You're one of those dog--


                Come back here, you little bitches!

                It's not right.

                Sources are sources. Just because--

                How goes it, paperboys?

                Not too good.

                Well, your luck's about to change.

                The President knew about it for sure, for absolute sure.

                That's the tape.

                It's the tape.

                We finally have goods on Dick.

                Tricky Dick's going down.

                It's unethical to take possession of the tape if it's stolen, but--

                You can't have it anyway. It's our only souvenir.

                But we copied it down. Thirty words a minute.

                I passed typing.

                A lot of people want to know who our source is.


                We'll be famous.

                But we've decided never to reveal your identity.

                For our own protection?

                It's just too embarrassing.

                Dick's going down.

                Dick is going down!

                In a series of events that rocked the nation...

                ... the White House accepted the resignations...

                ... of Presidential Counsel John Dean....

                I can't believe this Watergate business runs so high up.

                You have no idea.

                I realized one day...

                ... that if I stayed...

                ...l'd be just as bad as he was.

                I'd say these people are gonna cost a million dollars...

                ... over the next two years.

                We can get that.

                You can get a million dollars and you can get it in cash.

                I know where it could be gotten.

                I love you

                I love you

                I honestly love you

                What in the bejesus is that?

                I can't keep my feelings inside any longer.

                I've never felt this way about anybody...

                -...not even Bobby Sherman.... -A    -year-old.

                Oh, Jesus!

                And that this is the real thing.

                Watergate, my ass!

                They'll crucify me if they hear this.

                Checkers, shut up!

                Or I'll feed you to the Chinese!

                Erase this shit.

                What's that smell?

                Hello Dollies!

                Where'd you get the recipe? It was stolen.

                It's on the label of every can, lamebrain.


                ...for one special Larry Jobs addition.

                I keep them mixed up with the walnuts.

                You said these were just walnut leaves.

                I lied.

                But the President ate those.

                Right, your pal, Tricky Dick.

                No, really.

                Maybe that's why he's so paranoid.

                It's happening.

                -What? -Come on.

                Throughout the long and difficult period of Watergate...

                ...l have felt it was my duty to persevere...

                ... to make every possible effort to complete the term of office...

                ... to which you elected me.

                But as President...

                ...l must put the interest of America first.


                ...l shall resign the Presidency...

                ... effective at noon tomorrow.

                Vice President Ford will be sworn in at that hour...

                -It's gonna be different now. -... in this office.

                They'll never lie to us again.

                They'll never lie to us again.

                Isn't it against the law to cut up the flag?

                Not if you sew it back together.

                We look so fantastic.

                We gotta hurry!


                You suck, Dick!

                Bye, Tricky Dick!



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