Dirty Rotten Scoundels Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Dirty Rotten Scoundels script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Steve Martin and Michael Caine movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Dirty Rotten Scoundels. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Dirty Rotten Scoundels Script


            Your Highness, please allow me this small contribution.

            No, I cannot accept them.

            Think what they could do for your cause.

            Those pearls would mean freedom for my people...

            -...but I will not take them. -Please!

            These could save the lives of many men.

            My countrymen are proud.

            They'd die rather than let me accept charity.

            Then think of the lives of the women, the mothers--

            The women fight alongside the men.

            They are also too proud to accept charity.

            Then consider the lives of the children. The innocent children.

            But, for the children....

            She's the blond in the blue sequined dress.

            Extremely rich...

            ...very married, eminently corruptible...

            ...and a willing infidel.


            Monsieur Andre, go see what you can get for this.

            Not the royal ring, Your Highness!

            Do you want the world to know?

            Excuse me. Is that man actually royalty?

            -No, madame. -You called him Your Highness.

            It was a faux pas. Forget it.

            You can trust me, I won't tell.

            I am the police chief of Beaumont sur Mer.

            Why do Americans think they can buy anyone?

            I'm so sorry.

            -I've caused the prince enough-- -Prince?

            He sounds like he's in trouble. Perhaps I can help.

            If you want to help, forget everything you saw and heard.

            Forget the very existence of that brilliant, extraordinary man...

            ...of destiny.

            Your Highness?

            Don't be alarmed. I can be trusted.

            -Are you one of my subjects? -No, I'm an American.

            Fanny Eubanks of Omaha.

            If you're in trouble, and if I can help--

            Thank you. But I cannot accept.

            You've risked too much just in speaking to me.

            I still want to help.

            You must understand.

            I have powerful enemies. They may be watching--

              My God, you're attractive.

              It's late.

              I must go.

              -Has he left? -Yes, just a moment ago.



              Tell me where he lives.

              -I must warn you. -He told me he has powerful enemies.

              There may also be an emotional risk.

              His Highness has been a widower for five years.

              For five years?

              Please, Your Highness.


              ...the freedom fighters thank you.

              This is for the overhead.

              This goes to you, Arthur.

              This goes to you, Andre.

              This goes to me.

              It's time to go to Zurich.

              Excuse me.

              -May I sit here, please? -If you like.

              Thank you.

              Good evening, sir.

              Would you like to see the menu?

              I'm starving. Really starving.


              I'll just have some water.

              -Water? -Yes.

              Water? But you seemed so hungry.

              I'm saving my money for something special.

              -My mother. -Your mother?

              Not really my mother. My grandmother.

              But she raised me.

              My real parents didn't want me.

              I'm sorry.

              But my grandmother is a wonderful woman.

              She has a laugh that can make birds sing.

              She's been quite ill lately.

              The hospital bills have been adding up.

              I just want to do my share.

              It's tough for me because I was never good with money.

              I take what the Red Cross pays me, and give it back to them.

              But I am going to help my Gram-Gram.

              She is the one who taught me...

              ...it is better to be truthful and good...

              ...than to not.


              -What are you doing? -Waiter.

              -Give this man whatever he wants. -I can't let you--


              I'll have a double turkey sandwich on rye...

              ...a large knockwurst, potato chips...

              ...chocolate milk and two beers. You want one? Three beers.

              Thank you.

              Forgot I had a first-class ticket.

              -That bother you? -No.

              I overheard your conversation in the dining car.

              My condolences to your grandmother.

              -Right. -Didn't you say she was ill?

              I say what they want to hear to get what I want.

              Rather a shabby trick, isn't it?

              You have a lot to learn about women.

              I'm afraid I am a bit naive when it comes to the weaker sex.

              Freddy Benson.

              And you are?

              Lawrence Jamieson.

              You're married, aren't you?

              You can tell?


              We're the weaker sex. Men don't live as long as women.

              We get more heart attacks, strokes and prostate trouble.

              I say, it's time for a change.

              I say, let them give us money.

              Let's live off them for a while.

              That probably shocks you, right?

              It's rather a revolutionary thought.

              Do you think it's possible?

              Look what I did in the dining car!

              She gave me      francs. That's twenty bucks!

              Do you know what it's like to take a woman for $  ?

              No, I don't. I'm afraid it's out of my class.


              Too bad. We could've had a blast on the Riviera.

              You're headed for the Riviera?

              There's a little town there crawling with rich women.

              And what town is that?

              Beaumont sur Mer.

              Beaumont sur Mer?

              You've been misinformed.

              Beaumont used to be lively. It's been taken over by retired couples.

              -Quite dead. -Are you sure?

              Yes, I live there.

              I'm considered the town's playboy.

              The social activity is on the ltalian Riviera.


              It doesn't hurt to check it out. Some sleepy towns really pay off.

              Would you excuse me?

              I have to phone my wife and children.

              To let them know when I'm arriving.

              They really got you on a leash.

              Afraid so.

              Well, here we are.

              Older, retired couples?

              -You have a ride into town? -Yes.

              You can give me a lift.

              -You have a room? -I never make reservations.

              Is this train going to Portofino?

              Yes, it is. But we're getting off.

              We're getting off, right?

              -How far is Portofino? -Portofino?

              It's about      kilometers. I live there.

              -No. -Yes.

              Stay with me. You can go to Portofino later.

              I'd love to, but my grandmother is there.

              Your grandmother is in Portofino?

              Yes. Actually, she's quite ill.

              Good luck. My best to your grandmother.

              I hope her health improves. Ciao.

              Your call didn't give me much time.

              Marion was perfect. Make sure she gets back all right.

              -May I ask why she was necessary? -I needed a decoy.

              This idiot sharing my compartment fancied himself a player.

              Said he was going to hunt in Beaumont sur Mer.

              Monsieur Lawrence, you can dismiss such amateurs.

              -Surely he was no match for you. -You can't be too careful.

              A poacher who shoots at rabbits may scare big game away.

              Hey, Lawrence, listen to this.

              "A clever young American con artist, nicknamed The Jackal...

              ...has been working Western Europe."

              If he's in the papers, how clever can he be?

              To business.

              Krista Knudson.

              Widow of Lars Knudson, the Danish match king.

              She left the Excelsior Hotel in Genoa at      hours this morning...

              ...in a white Ferrari.

              She should be arriving at approximately....

              Here she is now.

              -I'd like to help your grandmother. -Oh, no.

              -I've got some money. -I wouldn't accept it.

              That's strange. There's a young man with her.

              -Please, I insist. I insist. -I'll pay you back.

              -The poacher? -Yes.

              And he's no longer satisfied with rabbits.

              Monsieur Police lnspector...

              ...can you arrange something for me?

              I'm gonna pay you back. I promise.

              The usual?




              Big pose! We can do something like this, okay?

              All right, here we go.

              Two more. Two more. How much is that?

              Have you seen enough, Mrs. Knudsen?

              That money was for his grandmother's operation!

              Here we go!

              He is a confidence man. Will madame sign the complaint?


              I didn't steal any money. She gave it to me!

              She filed a complaint.

              She caught me with another woman. You're French, you understand.

              To be with another woman is French.

              To be caught, that is American.

              How am I gonna get out of here?

              That's very difficult. The charge is serious.

              You are a vagrant, an unknown.

              I'm not a vagrant! This is my point!

              I know somebody here. I met him on a train. His name is....

              His name is....

              James.... No.

              His name is....

              James Josephson. No, no!

              James Lawrence. Lawrence. Lawrence.

              Lawrence F--

              Lawrence Fells. Lawrence Fings.

              Forrest Lawrenceton.

              His name is James Jestenthen.

              Lawrence Jesterton.

              -Lawrence Jamieson? -Yes.

              Yes! Yes.

              We're like this!

              Freddy, this is really very serious.

              -France doesn't treat gigolos lightly. -What do you mean?

              Until    years ago, they castrated them.

              Don't say that word.

              What do they do now?

              That depends on who the judge is.


              Judge Reynoux.

              -Good luck. -You can't go. You've got to help me.

              Do you have any money?

              I got twelve-- Nine hundred dollars.

              -I know this chap. He'll want $    . -I don't have $    !

              -But can you get it? -I have it at home.

              I could fly home and mail him a check.

              He says you can go.

              He must have the money in    hours...

              ...or he'll submit your name to lnterpol.

              -You can't ever travel in Europe again. -That's fine. Thank you!

              I'm good at sizing people up, and I think you're one terrific guy.

              I suppose I get pleasure from helping people out.

              I see you know His Highness.


              -The prince. -The prince?

              I saw him shake your hand and pat you on the back.

              No kidding?

              And you are?

              Fanny Eubanks.

              Fanny Eubanks, of Omaha?

              Of Omaha?

              You don't have to cover up.

              It may be my money that's financing your mission.

              You're financing my mission?

              Perhaps His Highness mentioned me?

              Oh, Lady Fanny of Omaha.

              He called me Lady Fanny?

              Yes. Lady Fanny of Omaha. He speaks of you with affection.

              -A drink, sir? -Thank you.

              You have done a wonderful thing.


              I'm very sorry, sir...

              ...but the man said it was urgent.

              -What man? -The courier. He's waiting outside.

              He said you would recognize the secret password.

              -What secret password? -Lady Fanny of Omaha.

              Take this to the guest bedroom and see it's neatly pressed.

              Go ahead, Arthur.


              All I can say is, "Wow!"

              And I was telling you how to take women!

              All right.

              How much do you want?

              Your Highness, I don't want money...

              ...from a man who needs every penny to free his enslaved people.

              What do you want?

              This! This!

              I want this!

              This is what I want.

              I don't want money. I want you to teach me.

              You can't be serious.

              -Larry-- -Lawrence.

              I always wanted to be the best...

              ...and I thought I was, until I met you.

              I never knew how far you could go with this scamming thing!

              This "scamming thing," as you put it, took me years to perfect.

              I got time.

              Why should I help you?

              A guy with my mouth could ruin business for you.

              What sort of education did you have?

              High school diploma.

              And you majored in...?

              Metal shop.

              Metal shop.

              All right, I'll do it.

              I'll teach you and pay you a percentage.

              -Great! -With this one understanding.

              -I run this operation. You do as I say. -Great!

              Classes begin after lunch.

              I have a plan for this Jackal.

              A man owes me a favor. Rene the Knife.

              He is a master with the stiletto and a magician at hiding a body.

              As police inspector, I give you my word...

              ...the case will be investigated in a slipshod manner.

              -Stop worrying. -It's a mistake to take him in.

              I am taking him in gracefully...

              ...in order to get him out gracefully.

              Well done.

              -I look great. I know the moves! -You're ready.

              Remember our agreement. You do exactly as I say.

              Exactly as you say.

              I feel like a kept man.

              I'm sorry.

              I'm telling Andre to tear up the check.

              You can't. I paid the         francs in cash.


              Please don't be mad.

              He wouldn't let you leave unless I paid your loan.

              What else did he say?

              How you needed the money for your country to fight communists.

              It's just such a noble cause.

              Please don't be angry with me.

              Pretty please.

              Here comes a creep man. There's that smile!

              Daddy says we'll have the biggest wedding Tulsa's ever seen.

              When can we fly back?

              Perhaps we should go by ship.

              Ruprecht loves the water.


              Yes, Ruprecht.

              Didn't I tell you about him?

              Ruprecht is my brother.

              -You have a brother? -Yes, the young prince.

              You mean I'm going home with two princes?

              Wherever I go, Ruprecht goes too.

              When do I meet him?

              He's in his room as we speak.

              -Would you like to meet him? -I would love to.

              -What's he doing out here? -His quarters are here.

              I should warn you that Ruprecht is, well...


              Ruprecht, it is l, your brother.

              No sudden moves.

              You've been banging your pots again.

              I told you...

              ...if you keep doing it, you won't have any pots left.

              All right.


              Don't do that.

              Stop it, Ruprecht.

              He's very affectionate.

              Come along.

              Now, I want you to meet this nice lady.


              -This isn't your mother. -Not Mother?

              But I have wonderful news.

              Miss Trumble and I are going to be married.

              We're going to live in Oklahoma.


              Oh, dear.

              We have a guest. What do we do for guests?

              What did we do when Uncle Ted was here?

              No, Ruprecht.


              ...after that.

              We apologize.

              You want the genital cuff?

              Don't worry. We won't go anywhere without you.


              He'll enjoy Oklahoma's wide-open spaces.

              He loves to run and run and run.

              -Not Mother? -No, Ruprecht...

              ...she's not our mother.

              Go on, Diana. You were saying?

              I think the--

              -May I take your trident, sir? -Yes.

              You were saying the poor shouldn't be allowed in museums.

              -I think that.... -Don't take the cork off the fork.

              -Why the cork? -To prevent him hurting himself...

              ...and others.

              Eat your applesauce.

              We have wonderful news.

              Diana and l...

              ...are going to be married.

              We're going to live in Palm Beach.

              Eat your food.

              Excuse me. May I go to the bathroom first?

              Of course.

              Thank you.

              Driving relaxes Ruprecht.

              Lawrence, this is the happiest day of my life!

              I think my testicles are dropping.

              It's been a very good month, chaps.

              We've got   % for the overhead.

              -For you, Arthur, it's   %. -Thank you, sir.

                % for you, Andre.

              -Nice work. -And the rest is for me.

              -Au revoir, Lawrence. -Au revoir, Andre.

              Excuse me. What about me? What do I get?

              You are the student. You get knowledge.

              I did most of the work. I should get my share.

              I can't give it to you without being sure...

              ...that you spend it wisely, on beauty and culture.

              I've got culture coming out of my ass.

              Spending money is a responsibility.

              All right, how am I supposed to spend my money?

              Now, all these wines are very old.

              I bought them to make sure they were cared for properly.

              -You got a lot of wine to drink. -They're too valuable to drink.

              -So you sell them? -Never, they mean too much to me.

              In Europe, gardens take centuries to grow and cultivate.

              This one was dying...

              ...until Mrs. Everson's brooch paid for its upkeep.

              What's the angle?

              There is no angle.

              I rescued this from destruction...

              ...and donated it to the museum.

              Just looking at it feeds my soul.

              -May I say something here? -Of course.

              Are you kidding me or what?

              I don't get it!

              You want me to spend money on wine you can't drink...

              ...on a garden that looks like a mowing headache.

              That's a sculpture of a naked woman and I appreciate that.

              But otherwise, you have got to be joking.

              You agreed to do as I say.

              But not to spending my money...

              ...or to playing Ruprecht the Monkey Boy.

              I'm going it alone.

              You have so much to learn.

              No, thanks. I was doing great with my own look.

              I don't need these clothes or your instructions.

              You taught me what you know. Great. Thanks a yahoo.

              I'm getting out of this town.

              Good luck.

              He's tucked his tail between his legs and crawled away.

              Good, then it is business as usual.

              -Au revoir, Lawrence. -Au revoir, Andre.

              Oh, miss?

              Where can I find the Wall Street Journal?

              I want to see how my takeover bid is going.

              It's so hard to get the stock prices here.

              What are you doing here?

              That's a funny story.

              I'm at the train station, ticket in hand.

              I said to myself, "Why am I leaving? I love me here."

              I'll be around a little more. Lucky you.

              There isn't enough room for both of us in Beaumont sur Mer.

              You know, I think you're scared.

              -Of what? -Me.

              You've been top dog so long, you think you own the place.

              I'm not afraid of you.

              You should be. I'm younger than you, better-looking than you...

              ...l'm thinner than you.

              I can kick you out in a New York minute.

              And I could have you arrested again.

              And I could call Lady Fanny of Omaha.

              Freddy, as a younger man...

              ...l was a sculptor, a painter and a musician.

              There was just one problem:

              I wasn't very good.

              As a matter of fact, I was dreadful.

              I came to the frustrating conclusion...

              ...that I had taste and style, but not talent.

              I knew my limitations.

              We all have our limitations, Freddy.

              Fortunately, I discovered that taste and style are commodities...

              ...that people desire.

              Freddy, what I'm saying is...

              ...know your limitations. You are a moron.

              You've wanted me out of town ever since I arrived.

              I tell you what. We'll make a bet. If I lose, I'll leave.

              If I win, you leave.

              All right, Freddy, suppose we try this.

              We find a woman, set a price...

              ...and the first man to extract the correct amount from her wins.

              But if you--

              But if you lose...

              ...you not only leave town graciously...

              ...you promise never to come back again.

              Done. Who's the woman?

              -Charles. -Yes, monsieur.

              -Who is that? -Miss Janet Colgate.

              Who is she?

              I believe she is the United States Soap Queen.

              Thank you.

              Okay, how much?

              She's a little young.

              Out of your league?

              -I'll make it easy for you. $     . -$     ?

              Out of your league?

              All right. I could use $     .

              First one to get       out of her.

              May the best man win.

              Thank you.

              She is at the roulette table.

              Just waiting for Your Highness.

              And Freddy?

              He has dropped from sight.

              Perhaps the Jackal realizes he is no match for the Lion.

              Keep your eyes open, Andre. He'll turn up.

              Excuse me. Excuse me.

              Sorry, ma'am. Excuse me.

              I'm sorry.

              I'm sorry.

              Pardon me.


              Thank you.


              Excuse me.

              Thank you.

              Pardon me, miss. Will you place a bet for me?

              It's difficult for me to reach the table.

              Sure. What number would you like?

              The way my luck's been running....

              Would you pick a number for me?

              I could use all the luck I can get.

              Will you ask him if he could advance me a few dollars on this?

              I'm sorry, I cannot, monsieur.

              That's fine. Thank you.

              Excuse me.

              Monsieur wins again.

              Listen, maybe I can help you.

              -That was my last chance. -Last chance for what?

              My last chance for an operation.

              Shouldn't the Navy pay for your operation?

              It's not for me.

              It's for my grandmother.

              I just heard from the hospital that she's in bad shape...

              ...and if they don't operate soon, she might....

              I'm sorry. I don't know you and I'm bothering you with my problems.

              Please don't feel that way.

              Just tell me what they are.

              Just one stroke of bad luck after another.

              Andre, come with me.


              That's almost $    .

              I don't know how to thank you.

              But I want you to know...

              ...that you've saved the life of a wonderful person.

              You are a wonderful person. Thank you.

              You're welcome.

              Would an operation help you?

              No. My problem isn't physical.

              -It's emotional. -Really?

              I'm on six weeks' MTL.

              Mental Trauma Leave.

              What happened?

              I was engaged to a girl back in the States.

              We loved to dance.

              We wanted to be professionals. Isn't that silly?

              We got an opportunity...

              ...to perform on TV, on Dance USA.

              We decided that if we won, we'd get married.

              So, we went on...

              ...and we danced, and we won.


              In the excitement...

              ...we got separated.

              So I went back to the studio.

              And there they were.



              Then they stopped.

              And they made love right on the dance floor.

              Who was she with?

              Danny Terrio, the host of Dance USA.

              I'm sorry.

              In the morning, I woke up...

              ...and my legs were useless.


              Oh, my God.

              -I couldn't walk. -Oh, my God!

              Surely someone can help you.


              -There is, but-- -What?

              There's this psychiatrist, Dr. Emil Schuffhausen...

              ...in Liechtenstein.

              Why don't you go to him?

              Schuffhausen is in demand all over the world.

              He gets astronomical fees.

              It's just not something I can handle.

              What do you mean, astronomical?

              $     .

              That is a lot of money.

              Are you okay?

              Oh, God.

              They're dancing.

              They're dancing!

              We're going up to my room to write to Dr. Schuffhausen.

              Oh, God! They're dancing!

              Take me from this place!

              I wish you hadn't written these things.

              -I sound like a hero. -They're true, aren't they?


              Still, where am I gonna get $     ?

              Leave that to me. When the time comes, you'll have it.

              I'm going to mail this letter. I'll be back.


              Thank you.

              Number one! Number one! Number one!

              Dr. Schuffhausen!

              Dr. Emil Schuffhausen!

              Hello, again!

              Are you Dr. Schuffhausen?

              Yes, Fraulein.

              What a coincidence! This is a miracle.

              I just wrote you about someone who needs help.

              Good. I look forward to reading it when I get back to my clinic.



              Could I talk to you for a minute?

              Please. I am on my vacation.

              It's about an American officer, Fred Benson.

              He was next to you at the roulette table.

              -Benson.... -In the wheelchair?

              Is he the one who wrote me those letters?

              Something about his fiancee running off with a dancer?

              That's the one. He's here in the hotel.

              I hate to disturb you while you're on vacation...

              ...but could you take a look at him?

              I'm sorry-- What is your name?

              Janet Colgate.

              I'm sorry, but if I see your friend Benson...

              ...l have to see everyone.

              I must draw the line somewhere.

              -If it's money-- -You didn't give him money, did you?

              Just a little for his grandmother.

              Don't give him any more.


              You see...

              ...his ego has taken one shattering blow from a woman.

              And if he accepts charity from a woman...

              ...that is another blow.

              It makes my work harder.

              -Then you'll see him? -All right. I'll see him.

              -That's wonderful! -Remember what I said.

              No money for him.

              If I decide to take this case...

              ...you must pay the fee directly to me.

              -You understand? -Absolutely.

              All right.

              Where is the boy?

              Where are you?

              You can really get lost in these big places!

              I have a wonderful surprise for you.

              -What? -Cover your eyes.

              -You are a nut! -Go on.

              Who's the one person in the world...

              ...outside of your grandmother...

              ...that you'd like most to see right now?

              I give up. Who?

              Dr. Emil Schuffhausen!

              At last we meet, Officer Benson.

              After all those letters, I feel I know you.

              -He can't believe it's you. -Yes, I think that's it.

              I am here to help you, my boy.


              Let's have a look at those legs.


              ...you are numb from the waist down?

              -Is that correct? -Yes, sir.

              Completely numb? No feeling whatsoever?

              That's right.

              You won't feel Mr. Piggy then, will you?


              Tell me if you feel this.

              Tickle, tickle, tickle.


              We must try something else.

              Something a little more stringent.

              Tell me...

              ...do you feel this?


              How about...


              -Nothing. -Nothing, eh?

              Watch yourself, Janet. Back a little bit.

              Thank you.

              How about...



              Any feeling there?


              This case intrigues me.

              -I will take him as a patient. -Did you hear that, Freddy?

              I am renting a villa here.

              We'll move him in, and I will go to work on him.

              Thank you. Do you think you can get him to walk again?

              I will have him running, jumping, screaming...

              ...or my name isn't Dr. Emil Schuffhausen...

              ...the Third.

              Look, he's so happy he's crying.

              Your Highness!

              Mrs. Reed!

              I didn't recognize you for a moment. How wonderful to see you!

              Protector of the Veldt.

              What a pleasant surprise!

              -How was your mission to Belahavula? -It was a great success.

              -Thanks to you. -I feel so proud.

              Mrs. Reed, may I present Lady Janet.

              Lady Janet, this is Mrs. Reed.

              How do you do?

              Your Highness, your accent--

              -I'm traveling incognito. -Oh. I see.

              How are the freedom fighters?

              Lady Janet is one of us.



              This is my Royal Adjutant, General Benson.

              -How do you do? -Charmed.

              -Your High-- -Let's have lunch.

              Thank you, Your Highness.

              -I will telephone you. -Oh, please!

              One of my former patients.

              Unfortunately, incurable.

              Isn't this beautiful? I can't believe this is happening.

              Sacrificing his vacation, sharing his villa. This is incredible!

              This is Miss Colgate. She'll stay at the hotel.

              Officer Benson will stay with us.

              You are close to my room.

              I shall watch you night and day.

              May I show you the villa? It has a fascinating history.

              Welcome to hell.

              This is so beautiful!

              Janet, we haven't discussed my fee yet.

              It will be $     .

              Yes, I'll have to call my father.

              I'd lower it, but the clinic won't allow it.

              I understand.

              -I'll show you the rest of the villa. -Okay.

              -What about Freddy? -Freddy, go to your room.

              I'd like to come upstairs.

              Of course you would. Come on.

              -But he can't! -He can. It's all in his mind.

              It seems so cruel.

              Trust me. I'm a doctor.

              First, I will show you the music room.

              Oh, my goodness!

              Isn't this beautiful?

              I love all these old musical instruments.

              This music box is my favorite. Listen.

              In the old days, people used to dance to this.


              I heard the music and I pulled myself up the stairs.

              But then I saw you and him dancing!

              The more he sees us dance, the more he will get used to it.

               It's awful to see us like this, isn't it?

                Janet, you're right.

                Now he can't see us.

                -This is terrible! -No pity.

                I know this is difficult.

                But it's only through our strength that Freddy will find his.

                I have a splendid day planned for Freddy.

                -I need your help to be successful. -Of course!

                You will sit here, I will sit here...

                ...and Freddy will sit there.

                Sir. Officer Benson is not in his room. I found this.

                Thank you, Arthur.

                What? What does it say?

                "I've lost hope.

                Please see that Grandma gets my insurance...

                ...and if I am washed ashore...

                ...that my cremated remains are tossed in the Suwannee River."

                He's gonna drown himself!

                There he is, doctor!

                Sit down. Sit down.

                It's a bluff to gain sympathy.

                Pretend to enjoy yourself. Laugh out loud.


                Would you like some strawberries?

                Wonderful strawberries!

                He's looking. Keep laughing.

                Excuse me, the man is here with your satellite dish.

                What satellite dish?

                I'll be right back.

                What would I want with a satellite dish?

                Oh, my God!

                I'm out of control!

                I'm out of control!

                Oh, my God!

                Oh, no!

                Freddy! Stop, please!

                Don't make me crawl around you. This sand is too hot.

                -Stop where you are. -Then what?

                When you're not looking, I'll come here and do it right.

                Then I won't leave you.

                I'll get Dr. Schuffhausen.

                Not him.

                He hates me. He's torturing me.

                He doesn't hate you.

                He may seem strict, but he's just trying to help you.

                Don't make me go back. Can't we stay a little longer?


                Just as I thought.

                I'm sorry I was so depressed this morning.

                It's just that last night...

                ...l had a dream about her.

                I remember how I used to stare at her...

                ...and just sit and touch her face like this.

                That is so sweet.

                -She was the first girl I ever kissed. -Really?

                And now...

                ...l probably won't kiss another girl for the rest of my life.

                Freddy, that is ridiculous!

                You are an attractive, exciting and sensitive man.

                There are a million women who'd love to kiss you.

                I want to ask you a question, and I want you to be honest.

                Am I attractive and exciting to you?

                Miss Colgate?

                May I talk to you?

                -I'm sorry. -Janet, I am dropping this case.

                Please don't!

                I shouldn't have done it, but I felt sorry for him.

                You heard the awful story about his girlfriend.

                -How did it make you feel? -It made me physically sick.

                Then please help him. Please, please!

                All right. I will.

                -Thank you. -But, Janet, we must hide our pity.

                You and I must be his role model.

                We must enjoy ourselves so much...

                ...that Freddy will want to jump out of the wheelchair and join us.

                I'll try, but it won't be easy.

                I will be there to help you.

                -How much of this can he stand? -Don't show any pity.

                -Look happy. -Are you sure?

                Yes. Come on!

                Isn't she fabulous? Wouldn't you like to dance with her?

                What's stopping you? Get out of that chair and dance.

                Okay, if you just want to sit there and miss all the fun....

                Oy, mate!

                -Who's the asshole? -"Get up and dance"?

                I'd like to smack him one.

                I wouldn't mind so much...

                ...but she used to be my girl.

                If I could get her alone, I'd have a chance.

                But he's always around.

                I have another idea.

                It was love that put him in that chair.

                Perhaps love could get him out.

                Would you mind if I gave you a kiss?

                -If you think that would help. -Yes, I think it would help.

                -What a piece of shit! -What do you reckon?

                There's a plane leaving for Honduras at   :   a.m.

                How'd you like him to be on it?

                -Good night, Freddy. -I'll be back. Think happy thoughts.

                Doctor, do you think the therapy is working?

                -Yes, I am terribly pleased. -Good.

                I'm sorry for the delay in paying your fee.

                I'll have it tomorrow.

                It took longer than I thought to raise the money.

                Raise the money?

                The cash prize wasn't enough, so I had my father sell the car...

                ...the furniture and all the jewelry.

                -What cash prize? -From the contest.

                I was selected as the United States Soap Queen.

                That's why I'm on this all-expense-paid trip to Europe.

                Your father doesn't own the soap company?

                No! I just use their laundry detergent.

                I entered their contest and then I won.

                You barely know Freddy...

                -...but you'd sell everything for him? -Not everything.

                I'm keeping the mink.

                Is that wrong?

                Knowing I helped a man like Freddy live his life again...

                ...is worth more to me than the car, the furniture, or the jewelry.

                I couldn't ask for more than that.

                I never knew that people like you existed.

                You are generous, sincere.

                You are wonderful.

                Thank you.

                Well, good night.

                Good night.

                Freddy, get it into your head. The bet's off. She has no money.

                You're trying to get out of the bet.

                If so, fine. Then you lose and leave town. But she has the money.

                -By selling everything she owns. -She's keeping the mink.

                If we take her for everything, she still has a very nice mink.

                The women I deal with are screened.

                They're wealthy and corrupt.

                I don't take advantage of the poor or virtuous.

                We'll forget about the money, but the bet is still on.

                -We'll think up a new bet. -All right, what?

                -A completely new bet. -Think of one.

                We'll make her the bet.

                What do you mean?

                What do you think I mean?

                First one to get her into bed.

                Don't you ever have an emotion from above the waist?


                I'll tell you something. This is for certain.

                A woman like Janet would never give herself to you.



                -You actually believe that? -I know that, Freddy.

                -You wanna bet? -I'll bet.

                But I'm not competing to win.

                I'm just betting that you fail.

                -Loser leaves town. -Loser leaves town.

                I say.

                I say.

                -What do you want? -You're blocking my gate.

                See the captain. He's in back.

                Now, look here.

                -This is private property. -Just see the captain.


                Which one of you--?

                You'll be all right?

                Yeah. She said she'd meet me here.

                Wish me luck!

                -I thought the doctor took you home. -Yeah, he did.

                I couldn't sleep.

                -I have to talk to you, Janet. -Come in.

                I was thinking about what Dr. Schuffhausen told me.

                That I could walk if the desire was strong enough.

                Yes, he told me the same thing.

                I think you're the only person who can give me that desire.

                What do you mean?

                I love you.

                I think I could walk again if I thought you loved me too.

                -I still have this terrible fear. -What fear?

                That my feelings won't be returned.

                But your feelings will be returned.

                Because I think I love you too.

                And you will walk.


                What are you doing?

                Now stand up and walk to me.

                Come on, you can do it.

                -You won't disappoint me? -No, I won't disappoint you.

                Stand up and walk to me. Please, just try.

                Come on.

                Let go.

                I'm standing.

                I'm standing!

                Yes! Now walk to me.

                -You won't let me down? -No, I won't.

                That's it.

                That's it!

                Oh, my God! You're doing it!

                -Want to rest? -No, I want to keep trying.

                Go stand over there.

                -Here? -By the bed.

                -I wonder how far I can go. -Here?

                -Here? -Yeah.

                Walk to me.

                -I'm still afraid. -Don't be afraid.

                Don't you want to kiss me?


                If you come over here, I will prove that I love you.

                You'll prove it?

                Come on. Come on.

                You can do it.

                Come on. Take a step. That's it!

                Yes! Do it!

                I made it!

                I made it!

                Yes, Freddy, you made it.

                And all because...

                ...of your...


                Our love, Freddy.

                We all love you.

                It's moments like this that make being a doctor worthwhile.

                No wonder they call you a genius.

                You said he'd come and he did.

                You said he'd walk and he did!

                I'm starting to believe this man can really perform miracles!

                I'm beginning to believe it too.

                How did you get off that plane?

                I never got on it.

                -Six sailors were in that truck. -Seven sailors.

                I am a Royal Navy Volunteer Reserve.

                Think you got me?

                This is the beginning, now I'm turning on the charm.

                No, you're not. I'm taking her to the airport in the morning.

                You failed.

                I'm making sure she gets as far away from you as possible.

                How do you plan to do that...

                ...without me on you like glue? What are you doing?

                Look who's here!

                Oh, yes. And he can walk just like the man said.

                Oy, guys! Have a look at this!

                Take care of my friend till I get back.

                Plenty more food and champagne to come.

                -Couldn't I just call Freddy? -No, trust me.

                But maybe I love him and maybe he loves me.

                Now that he's cured--

                Then it's even more important to go away for a few weeks.

                If a man loves you he will follow you.

                -But how do I know-- -Trust me one last time.

                All right.

                But what about your fee?

                Do what I tell you and you can keep the fee.

                -You're kidding! -Yes.

                You're wonderful.

                -Tell Freddy I said goodbye. -Of course.


                -Bye-bye. -Bye.

                -All right, mate? -Hello.

                -Thanks, mate. -All right.

                That really happen? I don't believe that.

                -Gotta go. Take care. -See you.

                I'll never get that.

                Great guy.


                Well, you seem to be having a very nice time.

                I had a great time.

                Could you hand me that Super Glue solvent, please?

                I was on that wall for six hours.


                -Well, Freddy, it's over. -What's over?

                See that plane?

                There goes your bet.

                Janet's on it.

                Have the honor to admit it. You've lost.

                Go see for yourself. She's gone.

                Have a safe trip and a prosperous career.

                Janet, it's me, Freddy.

                I lost.

                You're here!

                The doctor said it might endanger your recovery...

                ...but I had to see you.

                I really am in love with you.


                You actually love me?

                Now that you're walking, can you...?


                ...l can try.

                You may not believe this, but...

                ...l haven't had much experience.

                Me either.

                Could you close the drapes?


                And shut the door?


                It's Andre, sir.

                Thank you.

                Andre, what a lovely morning!

                Mr. Jamieson, are you lying down?


                Miss Colgate was seen returning to the hotel.

                -But I took her to the plane. -She got off.

                Where is Freddy?

                The Jackal is with Miss Colgate.

                They've been in her room with the curtains drawn.

                For how long?

                Not long. But long enough.

                It is a disaster.

                It seems the teacher has underestimated the student.

                We must accept defeat graciously.

                I will prepare myself for the Jackal.

                He'll be here soon to gloat over his victory.

                Thank you, my old friend.

                What's the matter?

                I know what you said, but I had to see him again.

                -I thought I was in love with him. -What?

                I went back to see him, and....



                ...we made love.

                I tried to please him, but how could I have known?

                Then what happened was, I feel asleep.

                When I woke up, he was gone.

                He took all my money, my mink, my jewelry, my traveler's checks.

                Even my little change purse.

                What kind of a man would do that?

                And do you know what else?

                I think he could walk.

                He pretended this whole thing to get my money.

                It was all my savings, the prize money. Everything.

                $     !

                -I told you I'd waive my fee. -It had already gotten here.

                What will I say to my father? Some of the money was his.


                Yes, sir.

                Phone Andre and tell him to find Officer Benson.

                He has stolen some of Miss Colgate's property.

                I shall be at the airport.

                Janet, I am going to cover your losses.

                You and your father will get your $      back.

                You're taking the first plane out of here. And make sure you're on it.

                But you're not responsible. How could you have known?

                A good psychiatrist would have known he was a charlatan.

                Come. It's cheaper than a malpractice suit...

                ...which you'd win.

                -I can't take your money. -You can and you will. Take it.

                Janet, come on.

                -You change planes in Paris. -Okay.

                -I don't feel good taking your money. -I feel good about it.

                It has been so great to meet you.

                If you're ever in Cleveland, will you call?

                I will.



                Have a good flight.

                Thank you.

                I can't take this. It doesn't belong to me.

                I'll always have something from you that means much more.




                He was at the hotel, returning to the scene of the crime.

                What is he talking about?

                Freddy, this time she really is on that plane.

                You can't harm her again.

                You let her go? You gotta stop her!

                Hold it! Hold it!

                Come back!

                Hold it!

                You idiot! You let her go!

                You didn't have to steal her money.

                I didn't steal her money. She stole from me!

                She says, "Close the drapes, close the door." I do it.

                She says, "Please take a shower." So I take a shower.

                I come out, she's gone, my clothes, my money are gone....

                Even the      francs she gave me!

                You expect me to believe that? She returned the $     .

                What $     ?

                -The $      you stole from her. -I didn't steal $      from her.

                There's my clothes.

                "Hello, boys. It was fun.

                I'll miss you. Love, Janet.

                The Jackal.

                P.S. I'm keeping the money. Is that wrong?"

                Of all the lousy....

                She is disgusting!

                She is lying, deceitful, two-faced.

                She is conniving and she is dishonest!


                Isn't she wonderful?


                Sorry I broke your VHS player.

                Give me the model number. I'll send you a check.

                Oh, shut up.

                Thanks for letting me stay the extra week.

                I kind of knew from the beginning.

                "J," Janet, "J," Jackal.

                When you think about it, it's obvious.

                When was she on to us?

                From the beginning, Freddy.

                She was on to us from the very beginning.

                She was perfect.

                So, what are you gonna do now?


                Things will be quiet around here now.

                Season's over.

                Autumn's coming.

                I'll be shutting up part of the house.


                Goodbye, Freddy.

                Wait a minute.

                Hang on. Hold it, hold it!

                Excuse me. Hold it. Excuse me!

                Excuse me.

                Hello, my darlings. There you are.

                What a hike! Are you kidding with this gravel?

                These heels weren't made for this.

                Could youse get the bags up here, pronto!

                Yeah, thank you.

                Now, first...


                Nikos, get over here.

                Come here.

                -All right, Paula. -Come on, everybody.

                I want you to meet Mr. Big Stuff.

                He was looking at property in Florida.

                He goes, "I want to invest $    million someplace new."

                I say, "Where?" He goes, "Australia."

                Then it hits me, boom. You kidding me?

                We gotta go meet Mr. Australia himself.

                He goes, "Why not?" I go, "Why not?" The group goes:

                "Why not?"

                So here we are.

                So, Nikos Papadropolous...

                ...meet Australia's favorite son:

                Chips O'Toole.

                Aren't you gonna say anything?

                G'day, Nikos. How's it going, sport?

                Good on you.

                Chips O'Toole. Hotels and all from down under.

                You still have any situations available in Sydney?

                No, it's all gone.

                Never mind. People drop out, don't they?

                Come up, we'll put some shrimps on the barbie for you.

                I almost forgot somebody.

                Mr. Junior Partner. The man Chips can't do without.

                The whiz kid, Randy Bentwick.

                Unfortunately, Randy is a mute.

                All right, everybody get to the house for a drink.

                You want to refresh those cocktails, right?

                The ice is melting. Hurry!

                Go up. Follow the path around the house.

                Keep going. Keep going.

                I'll be right up there.


                ...last year I made 3 million dollars.

                But your $50,000 was the most fun.

                Are you ready?

                Then let's go get 'em.




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