A Dirty Shame Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the A Dirty Shame script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie directed by John Waters and starring Tracey Ullman, Johnny Knoxville, Selma Blair, Patricia Hearst, yadda yadda.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of A Dirty Shame. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

A Dirty Shame Script












  Smile for me  



  Fill my world

with poetry  



  Forget those

faraway dreams  



  That haunt you  






  Young in years  



  Let the sunshine  



  Dry your tears  



  And we

will walk in the wind  



  And stars  



  Like April lovers  



  With hearts aglow...  



Come on back

to bed, Sylvia.



Can't you see

I'm cooking scrapple?



It can wait.

Sex is in the air.



Not in here it isn't.

I got work, Vaughn.



Your mother

is up the store.



It's light out, for Christ's sake.

What's gotten into you?



Come on, move!



 ... Forget those

faraway dreams  



  That haunt you...  






 ... Let the sunshine  



  Dry your tears  



  And we will walk

in the wind...  



Damn it!



Jesus Christ.




 ... With hearts aglow  



  Till love discloses  



  Where the secret

roses grow...  



You seen my keys?






I said, have you seen

my keys?



Where did you

leave them?



If I knew where I'd left them, they

wouldn't be lost, would they?






Oh, Jesus Christ Almighty!



It's not my fault.



Somebody left his magazine on the front

porch and it got me all riled up.



Oh, sure,

"somebody left it."



sure, sure...



You said

you didn't want to.



I mean a man has needs, Sylvia.

Marital needs.



  My gal is red hot, yeah!  



  My gal is red hot  



  Your gal ain't

doodly squat  



  Well, she ain't got

no money, but man  



  She's really

got a lot  



  Well, I got a gal,

six feet four...  






 ... My gal is red hot  



  Your gal

ain't doodly squat  



  Yeah, my gal

is red hot  



  Your gal

ain't doodly squat  



  Well, she ain't got

no money, but, man...  



Isn't it a little early

for that, Caprice?



I'm developing

my act, Mother.



Mutilating your mammaries

and gyrating down at some biker bar



is an act, all right,

an act of defiance.



I was a legend down at the Holiday

House, in case you didn't know it.



Morning, honey.



Daddy, let me go down to the bar

and perform.



You're in home detention,




The "government" wants you to stay

indoors for a while, huh?



You're just too pretty

to go out.



We let you keep your tawdry theatrical

mementoes. Isn't that enough?



You were convicted

of indecent exposure for the third time.



I was promoting

the art of dance.



With nude loitering?!



Nude and disorderly conduct?

Nude drunken driving?



I was not drunk.

I was on pills.



Something is the matter

with you, Caprice.



You are such a Neuter,




And Neuters will never




Something is the matter

with your vagina.







Mrs. Stickles.



Oh, you brat!

I'm gonna report you.




Formstone's looking good.



Ah, it's the real McCoy

all right, vintage.



- Paid through the nose for it.

- Oh.



One thing we've learned... proper

restoration never comes cheaply.



I need to go down to

the bar... just for an hour!



Come on, Dad, don't lock it.

Daddy, let me go!



My public needs me!



- Ooh!

- Mrs. Stickles,



my name is Fat Fuck Frank.



And I'm your daughter's

number one fan.



She moved to

the Erie Canal area.



Hey, Vaughn.






Caprice retired

from show business.



She's no longer

a public figure.



Her name ain't Caprice,

it's "Ursula Udders." And she's famous.



She got the biggest tits

on Harford Road.



Ursula! Ursula Udders!



Texture, that's

what I call it.



It's me,

Fat Fuck Frank.



And I miss

them great big...



Destroy all Neuters!



We sure didn't

have this in D.C.



God, I love Baltimore.

It's a real city of diversity.



Sylvia! Sylvia,

we need gas, honey!



Get gas.




still mad?



Remember to fill it up.

I'll walk, don't worry.









  Smokey the bear,

Smokey the bear  



-   Prowling and a-growling...  

- Grr!



Hi! Grrr-rr! Woof!



- Grrr!

- Woof! Woof!



  That's why they called him Smokey,

that is how he got his name...  



- Hi, Vaughn.

- Morning, Betty.



Does the Pinewood

Park-and-Pay sell lotions?



You know...




We sure do.



How is that fine wife

of yours doing?



She's up at the store

like always, Wendell.



Don't you

find it funny



that every man

in this neighborhood has a penis?



Well, not really,










Oh, don't.



Jesus, Mary,

and Joseph!






 ... Whoa, whoa-whoa  



  I need your loving...  

oh, that's it, babe.



That's it, oh-oh-oh.



Oh, God!



Ooh, that's it, baby.



Oh, talk to the mike,

talk to the mike. Ooh-ooh.



Oh, that's what

I call a hum job. Oh, yeah.



Come on.



Oh, okay.



I'm out of gas.



Move it, Neuter!



- Oh, God!

- How am I supposed to move with no gas?



Get out of the way!

We're in a hurry.



  Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa!  



- Filthy little hedges.

- Morning, Marge.



Growin' all dirty,

makes me sick.



Hi, I'm "Mama Bear."



have you met

my hus-bear?



No, I haven't.



I'm "Papa Bear."



And this is our cub,

"Baby Bear."






I'm Vaughn. Welcome

to the Harford Road area.



When we take over,

it's gonna be a...






 ... Happy, happy, happy  



  With a big bear hug.  



- Come on.

- Move that piece of shit.



Can you call

Triple-A, please?



Hurry up,

I've got a hot date.



What, at  :   a.m.?

What's the matter with you?



You'd have a date too

if you wore some make-up.



- Your poor husband.

- Huh?






If you could just

help me, I'd...






It's her!



Let's go sexing.












Hello, ma'am.



My name is Ray Ray

and I'm here to... service you.



I'm Sylvia,

and I hit my head. Oh.



A concussion

is a terrible thing



to waste.

It's okay.






My pussy's on fire.



I know it is.

It's a burning bush.



Show me a sign, Sylvia.



We knew you'd come.



All I can do

is pass the gift.






You're a sex addict now

and you'll never be the same.






There you go.



All better?



Oh, thank you so much.



I don't know

what came over me.



Well, you recognized the concussion

and there's no going back now.



I'm gonna give you

my card.



Sex addicts

are everywhere, Sylvia,



and pretty soon,

Harford Road will be ours.



Oh, hey, hold on.



Ray Ray

is a sexual healer.



Come visit us,




Your people

are waiting.






One day we're going

to discover a brand new sex act,



one that's never

been performed before.



And we hope you'll be

with us on that day of carnal rapture.









  Pussy, ooh...  



  Sore, wet, ooh...  



  My pussycat was scratching out

on my back door...  



 ... Scratched so long

poor pussy got sore  



  Sore pussy, ooh...  



  Sore... pussy... ooh  



  Just a friendly

little cat  



  Friendly little cat  



  My pussycat

was sitting out on the front step  



  Sat so long poor pussy got wet,

sore pussy.  



Hello, Mrs. Stickles.



Oh boy, am I blushing?



Everyone is familiar with

the traditional forms of pornography.



But the Internet

is creating new forms...



- You going to the movies, Dave?

- Huh?



Hell, you're picking

your seat, aren't you?






Used to be Harford Road

was for families.



Now it's

a lesbian aorta.




I don't feel well.



Well, no wonder,



they've got blatant homosexuals

shopping right in our store.



They eat life,

you know.



- Jesus!

- Sperm!



Did you see those

new neighbors moving in?



Hmm? Grown men with

hairy legs prancing around half naked...



"We're bears." what the hell is that

supposed to mean?



Free country,

Big Ethel.



Yeah well, we got laws

to protect decency.



And it would

be nice



if somebody enforced them.




Well, as my mother

used to say...



"'Each to their own,' said the old lady

as she kissed the cow."



Perverts are taking over

this neighborhood.



Ugh! Mr. Mailman,

as of next week,



we're not carrying

the girlie magazines no more.



That's a shame.



Makes me sick to see government

employees looking at that filth, Marge.



And on taxpayers' time yet.

That's why the mail's late.



Yeah, and the post office has the nerve

to raise the price of a stamp.



While mailmen are

beating off everywhere.



I found a used condom

in my back yard.



You think that's bad?



Somebody wrote

the word "boner"



on our parking lot wall

last night.



We've got to do something,




People have got to know

how bad things are getting.



No wonder I've got

to take heart pills.



I read in the paper

the other day



that the average married couple has sex

over     times a year.



That's a lie.

People would be raw if that was true.



I'll be at your meeting all right,

with bells on.



You have, uh, AAA batteries?



I certainly do.



You sure these

are the right ones?



You want me

to take them out?



No, no, I guess I'll buy them.



Well, get down there,

mutha, and start scarfing.



What the hell?



I mean, Jesus...

for Christ's sake! I'm moving to Towson.



Harford Road...

where life is cheap.



- Only you can prevent fornication.

- Yeah, yeah.



You see, Marge?

People in the neighborhood have had it.



It wasn't this bad

in the '  s.



You're right.



Someone left a dildo

in my neighbor's wishing well,



right on her

front lawn.



People are just ignorant




Morning, Big Ethel.



Uh, what's good about a morning

with dildos in it?



Amen to that.

My husband's on Viagra.



- Oh, you poor thing!

- Every minute, he wants it.



He has no right

to be that hard.



I'm Viagra-vated

and I'm not gonna take it anymore.






Feeling better,




Mail here

for Ursula Udders.



Her name is Caprice

and she's got shingles.



Our daughter doesn't really participate

in the mail these days.



I'll take the fan mail to her, Warren.

Don't you worry.



You should be ashamed of yourself,

Mr. Mailman.



Ashamed of what,

Big Ethel?



- Damn, I could deliver that one.

- Oh, keep it up.



I'm gonna call the Postmaster general...

If he's not whacking off...



and report

your potty mouth.



Sex addicts

are everywhere, Sylvia.



You wanna

have funch?



What's "funch,"





after lunch.



Funch, huh?



Come on.

This must be my lucky day.



- Hmm, spaghetti...

- Yeah, she'll ring it up for you.



Where do you two

think you're going?



It's not safe out.



People are shaving

their crotches as we speak.



There's pubic hair

in the air everywhere.



We're having

a decency rally,



and I think you two

need to be there.






  I've got hot nuts  



     cents a bag...  



- What kind of station is that?

- A good one.



 ... l've got hot nuts...  



- Feeling frisky, eh?

- Uh-huh.



Let's open one of Caprice's

fan letters.



That's her

personal mail.



Oh, look...



it's from the mailman. He sent Caprice

a photo of his penis. Ooh!



He what?



Are you kidding me?

Give me the picture.



Give me the picture. Give me the pic...

I'm not kidding around.



This is disgusting.



Well, he's got

a big one.



What kind of talk

is that?



Oh, they're all photos

of the mailman's unit.



I'm calling

the cops.



Yes, sir,

a real arse-opener!



Stop it, Sylvia.



Pink steel!



What's the matter

with you?



Hey, Vaughn,

feel like "yodeling in the canyon"?



We have to visit

my mother, remember?



Oh, come on,

you wanted to earlier.



Well, not that,

I didn't.



Come on, Vaughn,

discover the oyster.



Honey, this is Pinewood Avenue.

We live here.



Can't we wait

till we get back to the house?



Oh, go "way down

South in Dixie."



All right, all right,

just keep a look out.















Now that's what I call

"sneezing in the cabbage."






Harford Road,

let's all band together.



Horndogs are everywhere.

Pretty soon they'll be living next door.



Decency, that's all

I'm asking for. Decency!



Decency's fine.



But diversity in a neighborhood

is a good thing too.



This isn't diversity,

it's depravity.



On my way over here,

I saw a man



performing oral sex

on a lady



in a car

in broad daylight.



Lesbians have taken over

the softball fields.



So? Lesbians are

good neighbors.



We need to start by teaching tolerance

in our own homes.



Some guy was playing with himself

near me in the movies.



You're saying that's normal?

His crotch was shaved!



These are isolated




No, they're not.



Look, I'm not a prude.

I'm married to an Italian.



But I am disgusted.



I live near what they call

"The Bear House."



Last night,



hairy, overweight men

who call themselves bears



were having sex

outside the house.



My children heard them.



"Mommy, what's that noise?"

They actually asked me.



I raced outside

clapping my hands loudly



and I yelled...

"No blow jobs!"



And they just laughed.



Some of them

even growled at me.



Oh, no!



Today, somebody

called me a Neuter.



And you know what?

I didn't mind.



If neuter means "normal,"

I'll say it loud...



I am Marge, the Neuter,

and I'm proud.



That's right!



We're all Neuters!



And we'll never,

never be not normal!



  You put your left foot in,

you put your left foot out  



  You put your left foot in  



  And you shake it

all about  



  You do the Hokey-Pokey

and you turn yourself around  



-   That's what it's all about  

-   Right arm!  



  You put your right arm in,

you put your right arm out  



  You put your right arm in

and then you shake it all about...  



  Left arm!  



  You put your left arm in,

you put your left arm out  



  You put your left arm in

and then you shake it all about  



  You do the Hokey-Pokey

and you turn yourself around  



  That's what

it's all about  



  Right elbow!  



  You put your right elbow in,

you put your right elbow out  



  You put your right elbow in

and you shake it all about  



  You do

the Hokey-Pokey...  






-   That's what it's all about...  

- Hey, Mom.



  You put your left elbow in,

you put your left elbow out...  



- Come on, let's dance.

-   And then you shake it all about...  






  You put your head in,

you put your head out  



  You put your head in

and you shake it all about  



  You do the Hokey-Pokey

and you turn yourself around  



  That's what

it's all about  



  Right hip!  



  You put your right hip in,

you put your right hip out  



  You put your right hip in

and you shake it all about  



  You do the Hokey-Pokey

and you turn yourself around  



  That's what

it's all about  



  Left hip!  



  You put your left hip in,

you put your left hip out  



  You put your left hip in

and you shake it all about...  



  Whole self!  



  You put your whole self in,

you put your whole self out  



  You put your whole self in

and you shake it all about  



  You do the Hokey-Pokey

and you turn yourself around  



  That's what it's

all about  






  You put your backside in,

you put your backside out  



  You put your backside in

and you shake it all about



  You do the Hokey-Pokey

and you turn yourself around...  






  You do the Hokey-Pokey  



  You do the Hokey-Pokey...  



  That's what it's all about.  









Oh! Oh!



Taxi! Taxi!



Ray Ray's service center,

     Harford Road.



Yes, ma'am.






Hey, lady, you can't

change your clothes in here.



- Why not?

- 'Cause I said so.



Want some fun?



What are you doing?



- Can I get up front?

- No, you can't.



- You can leave the meter running.

- Stay in the back.



- Oh, come on, I want some action.

- Get off me, lady.



Hey... you can't do

that stuff in here.



- Get out!

- This cab free?



Sure is, tiger.



Hey, hey, hey!




Go! What the hell

was that?






-   Mommy told me something...  

- Traitor!



That's right,

spread the word.



You bet, Big Ethel.



Here, put the pink ones

on the cars.



Put the yellows

on the houses.



Put that

on the windshield.



And don't stop till you get to the end

of the block.



  He will never

ever leave you if your heart...  



- Who is it?

- It's Big Ethel.



We're having

a decency rally...



You better start

in your own backyard then.



I heard your daughter Sylvia

picked up a bottle



with her cooter

in the old folks' home.



She what?

That's not true.



My daughter is a good girl.

She hates sex.



What is she talking about,

that bitch?






Ray Ray?



It's me, Sylvia.

And I need full service.



I knew you'd find us,




Don't be afraid. We've all had

accidental concussions just like you.



- You have?

- Yeah.



Mine was from the faulty hood

of a customer's car



that collapsed on my head

while I was changing the oil.



And now I guide other

head-injury sufferers



to the final dawn

of sexual awakening.



- You've been sent to help us.

- I have?



We're all sex addicts

and we have been waiting for you.



- But why?

- Because you can lead us



to an erotic orgasm

we've never experienced.



I can't.

I promise you I can't.



I'm Loose Linda.



I fucked the entire

Harford Road Police Department.



It's nice to meet you,

Loose Linda.



Until you've hit your head,



you can never really feel

the power you get from sex.



My name is Paw Paw.

I'm on "bush patrol."



I hope we can

have sex one day.



I'd like that, Sylvia.



I knew you'd come.

You're number   .



- Number    what?

- All in good time.



Dave, is that you?



We call him Dingy Dave

and he's number three.



Don't worry, Mrs. Stickles,

you'll understand soon.



Dingy Dave is lucky.

He's into mysophilia.



It's a sexual attraction to dirt.

He thought it was new.



But it wasn't.



Dirt worship's been around long

before my accident.



I just didn't know.



Ray Ray



has helped me understand

my hypersexuality.



And he cured me

of my herpes.



Like a miracle.



Oh, no, no, no,

no, no.



We don't say the "m" word

around here.



- Oh.

- Mrs. Stickles?



May I, uh, be

your vacuum cleaner?



Well, I'm new to this,

but I'll try.









It's like Noah's ark

around here.



There is one

of every perversion.



But, alas, it's all

been done.



Brace yourself, Sylvia.



Got company!



Officer Alvin!



I'm an adult baby, Sylvia.

You want to be my mommy?



Adult babies are into

age regression.



They intensely eroticize

being infants.



And sometimes they like

to be burped.



I'm a big boy and

I'm beyond the law.



  Bouncy, bouncy,




As you grow to embrace

your concussion,



you'll learn to accept

anything sexual



as long as it's safe,

consensual and doesn't harm others.



You wanna powder

my chafed butt?



Uh, I would,



but I'm supposed

to help Ray Ray think up a new sex act.



Maybe later.






Number five,

six and seven.



You may know us

as neighbors, Sylvia,



but in this world,

we're into human sandwiches.



One day, we hope

you'll be our "lettuce."



- You know about my Priority Penis.

- Oof! Ow!



I never thought

it would be you.



Come on and meet

the "Three Bears."



We're husky, we're hairy,

we're homosexual



and out of

the second closet.



And we can cuddle

all night.



Yeah, hunting for some grizz-sm...



Ever hear

of sploshing?



I only had my concussion

this morning.



It's okay.

It's an English fetish.



Sploshing is

the erotic urge



to dump food

in your private area.






I'm Messy Melinda



and our bushes

will burn together.



And of course you know

of Fat Fuck Frank.



Mrs. Stickles, go home

and free your daughter.



She's one of us

and needs to be here now.



I'm number   .



Number   ?



Oh, my God!

I'm the   th apostle?



- Yes, shh.

- Say it proud.



If you say it out loud,

you might disappear.



No, no, no, I'm just

Sylvia Stickles.



I'm a horny woman

with a head injury. I can...



I know you are and we're

gonna do something about that.



Ray Ray

is a sex saint,



- and he's got powers.

- Amen to that.



I've got a hard-on

of gold,



and my tongue

is on fire.



Oh, and I've got

hot pants, Ray Ray.



We're all in heat.



And as you know, Sylvia

is a cunnilingus bottom.



Yes, she is.



Who wants

to eat her out?



Let's go sexing!






Jesus Christ,

how many houses do I gotta go to?



Who is it?



It's Big Ethel

from up the Park-and-Pay.



We're having

a decency rally tomorrow.



We want all Neuters

to be there.



What's a Neuter?



It's a normal person who

is fed up with perversion.



Sign me up then.



Tonight a woman in my cab

tried to grab my nutsack.



Oh, it's a sick world!



  I don't know how it started

I don't know what I did  



  I don't know how it started

i don't know what I did  



  But there's a gal who's chasing me

who really flipped her lid  



- Hey!

-   I call her my eager beaver baby  



  Ooh, eager beaver




- Was that Sylvia Stickles?

- I think it was.



What happened

to her?



I don't know, but

it's a dirty shame.



 ... Well what am I

gonna do  



  With that eager beaver

baby of mine?  



Hello, Vaughn.



Hello, Betty.

Have you seen my wife?



Come on in.



No, I can't.

Sylvia seems to be missing.



I was with her

earlier, but...



Maybe she's

getting lucky.



Harford Road

is wild these days.



Hey, hey, come on,




I seen you,

Sylvia Stickles,



showing your pubic patch

to the bus driver.



You should move downtown

where you belong, you whore.



End of the line.



Okay, buster,

turn off the motor.



- Who, me?

- Yeah, you!



Yes, Ma'am!



  Don't touch that spot

that itchy-twitchy spot  



  That spot that's swelling up

and turning red...  



- Grrr...

- What are you doing in there?



Vaughn, where is

my daughter?



I don't know, Big Ethel.

I can't find her.



Oh, don't go in there.

Bears live here.



Big fat hairy fags

with dicks.



Hi, I'm Cow Patty.



I'm Vaughn.

I live up the street



and I'm looking

for my wife Sylvia.



I'm the only "Goldilocks" allowed

in this bear cave.



I'm a bear hag.

And we call this...



Bear soup!



Wow, a tranny bear.



Come on in.






  My gal is red hot  



  Your gal

ain't doodly squat  




my gal is red hot  



-   Your gal ain't doodly squat...  

- Go, baby, go!



Shake that thing!



 ... she's really

got a lot...  




What's the matter?



 ... Six feet four...  



Nothing, honey.

I just wanted to have



a little

mother-daughter chat.



I'm so sorry

I spoke so harshly



about your vagina

this morning.



It's all right.

Where did you get that outfit, Mother?



Oh, you like it?

It's my new apostle look.



Oh, you've got fan mail.



The mailman's

got a big johnson, doesn't he?






Well, your father's

got a big one too.



Oh, you are

freaking me out.



I was with Fat Fuck Frank

this afternoon.



He seems to really

like your tits.



Is he hung?



He's about




Tell me, Ursula...



'cause that's the name

you like to use, isn't it?



Yes it is, Mother.



I know that Fat Fuck Frank

is a tit man,



but does he ever...

well, you know...




in the dark"?



Yes, he does.

Thank you for asking.



Oh, my God!

You have met Ray Ray.



Oh, Mother!



  Goo-goo, da-da  



  Goo-goo, da-da  



Officer, it's not like my wife

to just walk away.



She was probably

kidnapped by sex fiends.



We've got orgies going on,

perverts walking around.



- Do something.

- I am doing something.



  Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy  



  Hmm, bouncy...  




Goo-goo, ma-ma!



- This isn't California.

- It's Harford Road.



Baby just shaved his balls.

You wanna see 'em?






I'm a sex addict,



an exhibitionist,



and I'm

your daughter.



Oh, oh, Ursula...



ever since

my concussion,



I've learned so much

about eros.



I'm a sex addict too.



I'm a cunnilingus




and I'm

your mother.



I tried to tell you about my maypole

accident when I was   .



But you never listened.



Oh, I'm so sorry. I'll make it up

to you, Ursula, I promise.



Let's go down

to the Holiday House



and fuck the whole bar.



Okay, Mom.



Let's go sexing!






- Come on!

- I am coming as fast as I can.



  Well, I was drivin'

down l-   the other night  



  Somebody nearly cut me

right off the road  



  I decided it wasn't

gonna do any good to get mad  



  So I wrote a song

about him instead  



  It goes like this...  



  Were you born

an asshole?  



  Or did you work at it

your whole life?  



  Either way

it's worked out fine  



  'Cause you're

an asshole tonight...  



Ha! Ha! Ha!



Ursula! Ursula! Ursula!




Ursula! Ursula!



Ursula! Ursula! Ursula!



  My gal is red hot  



  Your gal

ain't doodly squat  



  Yeah, my gal is red hot  



  Your gal

ain't doodly squat  



  Well, she ain't got

no money  



  But man, she's really

got a lot  



  Well, I got a gal,

six feet four  



  Sleeps in the kitchen

with her feet out the door  



  My gal is red hot  



  Your gal

ain't doodly squat  



  Yeah, my gal

is red hot  



  Your gal

ain't doodly squat  



  Well, she ain't got

no money  



  But man, she's

really got a lot...  



Wait up, Vaughn.



Come on, Big Ethel.



Oh, my God.



- Vaughn, I need my pills.

- I know.



 ... Well, she walks

all night, talks all day...  



That's my daughter.



That's my daughter!



That's my




 ... Yeah, my gal

is red hot...  









Hi. Hey, come on.

Come on.






  Well, she's the kinda

woman who's a lounge-around  



  Spendin' my business

all over town  



  But my gal is red hot  



  Your gal

ain't doodly squat...  



Aah! Let me go!



Oh, Big Ethel!



Get off my ass!





















  And W-V-U  















  We say

the backward alphabet  



  It's complex  



  And trouble

to learn too  



  But you can do it

if you put your mind to it  



  That's the way...  



  Now everybody say it  



  You can do

the backwards alphabet  






  You can learn

the backwards alphabet  






  You can learn

the backwards alphabet...  



- Sylvia?

- Hmm?



You have what is known

as a "runaway vagina."



- I do?

- You had a concussion, honey.



Sometimes a booboo

on the head



can trigger inappropriate

sexual outbursts.



- You're a sex addict, Sylvia.

- And you've hit bottom.



Don't listen

to them, Mother.



Sexual addiction is a privilege.

You know that.



Do you know how embarrassing

this is for me?



One nymphomaniac

in the family's bad enough, but two?!



It's a disease,

Big Ethel.



Being a whore

is a disease?



Caprice, because of your

criminally enlarged breasts...



You're a freak.



The bloodstream to your brain

has been blocked,




permanent depression.



I'm not depressed.




- You should be depressed.

- No, I don't want Prozac!



- No...

- These will make you feel normal.



I don't want to feel normal!

Mother, help me.



Caprice, I apologize

for my shameful behavior.



Don't you recognize

the concussion?



Just swallow.



prozac can lower

the libido



and stymie the sexual fantasies

of many female patients.



And then finally, finally we can

schedule you



for a breast reduction operation.



No! I don't

want to be Neuter.



Maybe she's right.

Sex addicts are everywhere.



And soon they're gonna

discover a new sex act.



I'm supposed

to help them.



It will pass, Sylvia.



No, there's this guy

named Ray Ray



and he is their leader

and he ate me out.






You let strangers put

their germ-filled mouths on your uterus?



Sylvia, Dr. Arlington told me

about these meetings.



Yeah, they're

for people like you.



Honey, the whole family

is gonna go, Sylvia.



But we're not

telling anybody.






I've got a hard-on

of gold,



and my tongue

is on fire.



Let's go sexing...?



Sylvia, stay

on this side.



You had a concussion,







No, Caprice, you know

it doesn't work that way.



It has to be

an accident.



Oh, please,

I beg of you.



Help me to keep

my sexual sobriety.









  Do you like boobs a lot?

Yes, I like boobs a lot  



  Boobs a lot, boobs a lot,

you gotta like boobs a lot  



  Really like boobs a lot,

you gotta like boobs a lot  



  Boobs a lot, boobs a lot,

you gotta like boobs a lot  



  Down in the locker room,

just we boys  



  Beating down the locker room

with all that noise  



  Singing "Do you like boobs a lot?"

you gotta like boobs a lot...  



  Boobs a lot, boobs a lot...

you like boobs a lot  



  Do you wear

your jock a lot?  






  If I forget

to say my prayers  



  The devil

jumps with glee  



  That he feels

so awful-awful  



  When he sees me

on my knees  



  So if you're

full of trouble  



  And you never seem

to win  



  Just open up

your heart  



  And let the sun

shine in  



  So let the sun

shine in  



  Face it with a grin  



  Open up your heart  



  And let the sun

shine in.  






My name is Paige,



I'm from Roxton

and I am a sex addict.



My drug of choice...




the sexual rubbing-up

on unsuspecting citizens.



"Excuse me," I'd say,

while I'd grind my crotch



into an unsuspecting passenger

on a crowded airplane.



Halt, hungry, angry,



lonely, tired.



No one ever knew.

I was in first class...



Hello, I'm Ronnie the Rimmer

and I'm a sex addict.



Uh. Uh!



I'm Sylvia and

my clitoris is in crisis.



I'm Sylvia's

husband Vaughn,



and... I'm trying

to understand.



And this is my daughter,




Yeah, and Prozac

saved my life.



I'm Big Ethel and don't get any ideas,

I'm normal.



Hello, I'm Tony the Tickler

and I was a tickle top.



And that's nothing

to laugh at.



We are the Stickles family

and it's nice to be here.



Excuse me, I'd say

for the hundredth time...



this is Lu Ann

and Larry.



We were into

"Roman showers."



Vomiting on each other

as foreplay.



But that doesn't

come up anymore.



No, siree,

a higher power saved us.



I want these

people arrested



and punished

to the full extent of the law.



Let me lead you

to recovery.



Once, a man on jury duty

complained that I rode his knee



when we filed in

to announce the verdict.



But I denied it

to the judge.



Sex addicts

learn to lie.



Denial... don't need you

to know that I am lying.



They call me Dora.



And I'm a chronic




I've been sober

only two weeks now.



I'm Sylvia

and I've hit bottom.



...day in and day out.



Finally someone reported me

to a security guard and I was arrested.



- I would hope so.

- We don't judge others here, madam.



Progress, not perfection.



Sex addicts,

your meetings are my life.



Thank you.



Thank you so much.



Halt, hungry, angry,



lonely, tired...



All this yelling is giving me

a "Swedish headache."



you know what I mean?




This woman is crazy.



Nothing's the matter with "beating

the beaver" once in a while.



Hello, I'm Paige

and I am a sex addict.



I'm Sylvia

and I can't control



my..."axis of evil."



let me be your sponsor,




Thank you.

I'm so ashamed.



- Admit to God... you are a whore.

- I'm a whore.



Make a list of all

the people you've fucked



and apologize

to their parents.



My name

is Mr. Pay Day.



- And I'm here for a little scat chat.

- Thank you.



A pay day is an unflushed turd,

hence my name.



I used to defecate

in public restrooms



up and down Harford Road



- and never flush the toilet.

- That was him?



But my life of turd abuse

didn't stop there, oh no.



I started doing

"upper deckers"...



shitting in the top tank

of the toilet,



where no one would ever look

to find the odor.



I can certainly

judge that.



- Progress, not perfection.

- Thank you.



Thank you,

it really means a lot.



Hi, my name is Caprice



and I am a sex addict.



I used to be known

as Ursula Udders,



but let me tell you,

Ursula Udders is utterly over.



I'm on Prozac now

and I am a new woman.






Halt, hungry, angry...



Ever jerk off when one

of your hands is asleep?



No. Look, please,

I'm a Neuter.



You should try it.



It feels like

somebody else is doing it.



I defied nature

and now I must pay the price.



- Ever take a "rufie"?

- No!



Me neither.

I'm afraid I'd stay home



and date rape myself

all night long.



...that I will get

a breast reduction operation.



Yes. I will.



- I promise.

- Yes! Yes!



And I will never



be nude again!



Thank you.

Thank you.



I got my girls.



Er... er...

my name is Sylvia,



And I too

am a sex addict.



But I'm not dirty







That's right, Sylvia. You know how long

your poor dead father had to wait?



It was a long hard road

to this vagina.



We must warn others

in the concussion community,



that a head injury

is not an excuse for debauchery.



That's right, sister!



But your vagina

belongs to eternity, Sylvia Stickles.



be gone,




Let my mother's

pussy be!



I'm not your

filthy apostle.



No, sir, no!



I'm not

number anything.



He is a fraud. Remember Jim Jones?

Remember People's Temple?



He's a sex addict. A filthy controlling

pervert who wants your soul.



It's all mumbo-jumbo.

He's just a filthy man.



Sex addicts,

you are the chosen people.



Help us uncover

nature's secret.



Halt, horny,



anal, lustful, titties.



- Seduce your sponsor.

- One fuck at a time.



Intimacy equals inadequacy.



What's the matter

with you people?



You're wasting

valuable sex time.



Your cunt

is like a charity.



You must give,

give and give...



I'm slipping.



I'm slipping.



Recovery is regression.



It will never pass.



No, don't! I have to.



Don't listen to him.



Stop it.

Please, I'm a Neuter!



Concussion sufferers,



find the new orgasm

and we'll all be supernatural.



It's out there, you just...



I have to do this.



There is no

higher power than sex!



Stop it! Aah-ah!



Stop it, don't touch me.

I've been neutered.



Let no sex act...



You're fired, David,

and no unemployment neither.



It's okay.

This is sex.



There is a beautiful woman

here tonight named Sylvia



who can reveal a secret.



And that woman

is my wife!



Vaughn, let us show you

eternal sexual satisfaction.



- We love you.

- Love?!



Whatever you do,

don't call it love.



Oh, God!



Let's go sexing!



  Help me Mr. Fireman,




  You know I'm burning

from my head to my knees  



  I'm aflame with

such a burning desire  



  That little girl

sets my soul on fire  



  She's got me burning up

like a paper cup  




I'm on fire...  



Come on, Dad!



- Go, baby.

- Get off of me!






Sylvia, Sylvia?






 ... Hmmm, hmmm,

I'm on fire...  



...the shock of each moment

and still be alive.



You've got the devil in your cervix,

that's what you've got.



Come home to my penis

where you belong.



I can't, Vaughn.

I'm a libertine.



I say no

to sexual addiction.



You'll get

a yeast infection.



Now is the time

for home invasion!



  Oh, his pop-up

doesn't pop up anymore...  



Somebody help!



  It just doesn't do

the thing it did before...  



Somebody gave him pills!



 ... His pop-up will not

pop up anymore.  



We're gonna make

a nice sauce...



Oh, my God!



Okay, who wants

to fuck me?



I do.



She wants me!



- Get off of him!

- Let me go with her!



  Have faith, hope

and charity  



-   Have faith, hope and charity...  

- Sex is disgusting!



  That's the way

to live successfully  



  That's the way

to live successfully  



  How do I know?

The Bible tells me so...  



  How do I know?

The Bible tells me so...  



  How do I know?

The Bible tells me so...  



  The Bible

tells me...  



  Do good

to your enemies  



  And the blessed Lord

you'll surely please  



  How do I know?

The Bible tells me so  



  The Bible

tells me  



  Don't worry

'bout tomorrow  



  Just be

real good today  



  The Lord

is right beside you...  



All right, everybody,

just come on in.



That's right,

everybody in.



Thank you. Thank you so much

for coming out tonight.



- We got toilet paper?

- We've got toilet paper.



We couldn't be

doing this without you.



Move up,

everybody, okay?



Now, parents,

talk to your children



tell them

how repulsive sex is.



And kids, tell your mom and dad

the truth.



Second base isn't just

feeling up a bra strap anymore.



No, it's a blow job.



No blow jobs!



Teenagers everywhere,



come on, join

the Neuter resistance.



We're not here protesting

anything tonight, are we, Neuters?






We're for something.



Yes, yes!



That's right.

We're for the end of tolerance.



Tolerance went too far

and we all know it.



No more tolerance!



No more tolerance!

No more tolerance!



No more tolerance! No more tolerance!



Hurry, hurry!



Hey, feel like

blowing some tunes?



Come on, don't be shy,

what's the matter with you?






I'm Sylvia Stickles

and I've got the itch.



  Hoo-hah, hoo-hah...  



  Baby, baby...  



  Baby, baby, baby...  



Down here!

Come on and join the fun!






Hey, hey

you white devil!



Come on up here and give me

some of that strange.



...pussy wants

some action.



That's right, Sylvia,



we're going pearl diving.



Yes, siree,

I'm looking to go "below   th Street."



Get it, Sylvia,

get it while you can.



I'm coming

as fast as I can.



No, you're not,







Get your ass

in here now.



Get out of here,

come on, beat it, Sylvia.



Fucking tranquilizers.



It's all right.

Ray Ray is gonna be all better, right?



You betrayed me.



No, I'm back.

I just had a relapse.




Because of you I can't have sex.



It's not our fault,

we're sorry.



Try this.

"Face The Nation."




Help me.



- I want to be horny.

- You will be. Concentrate.



Did you know sex

is even infiltrating the economy?



Experts estimate

at least       Americans



are masturbating at work

right this minute.



Masturbation is costing

American business...



Come back,




Get out.

This is a Neuter establishment.



We don't serve

Ray Ray's people here.



Don't get a breast reduction, Ursula.

Fat Fuck Frank will die.



Oh, his spiritual life

is already dead.



But it's coming!



No, it isn't.

There is no new sex act.



The Ressur-sexion

is about to happen.



Oh, God,

you're crazy.



This is Tuesday night.

This is Harford Road.



This is a school night!




let's start over.



Have you heard about

vaginal restoration?



Any gynecologist

can do it.



The hymen

is sewn back together.






Hey, rent a room,

not here.



- Get the hell out of my store.

- Just come on, you guys.



Oh, Vaughn,

get this creep out of here.



Right now,

I want you out of here.



- Ugh!

-   On top of spaghetti  



  All covered

with cheese...  



Use a napkin,

you freak.



 ... I lost my poor




  When somebody sneezed...  



- Oh yeah.

-   When somebody sneezed.  



They're everywhere.

They're in the bushes.



Dad, somebody's

licking our tires.



- Honey, don't look.

- Hey, pervert!



Leave our family alone.



- Oof!

- Come on, let's just get out of here.



Oh-ho-ho. Oh.



Ooh, ever hear

of helicoptering?



Whipping someone's face

with your erect penis?



- Whap, whap, whap!

- Old hat.



- Shrimping?

- Everybody licks toes.



Tromboning... jacking off

when you're taking a crap?



I did that during

the Reagan Administration.



Try some vitamins.



I need to satisfy someone.



Oh, yeah.



  Tell me a story  



  Tell me

a story  



  Tell me a story,

remember what you said  



  You promised me,

you said you would  



  You've got to give in

so I'll be good  



  Tell me a story...  



yes, Mommy's

drying dishes



so that pretty little baby

will have clean plate-plates



when we move

to our new house.



 ... Go home without

my raise in pay  



-   Home by the fire where a man can...  

- Mama! Mama!



  Sleep out there

by the chair  



  Not a worry,

not a care...  



Come on, you're the cunnilingus

concussion king.



Am I? Am I?



So many vaginas,

so little time.



I try

and do good work.




chocolate helps.



Oh, give me

the green one.



Boy, those fuckers




I managed to cop some spanish fly

down on the block.



Oh, that's some

good shit.



- Felching?

- Done it.



- Getting your "red wings"?

- I got 'em.



- Plate job?

- Over and under.



- Blossoms?

- Don't want them.



Ever tried these?



Damn Viagra.

And I'm already there.






reaching an out-of-body state

through sexual arousal.



Let's go sexing!



Come on, you can't do that inside.

Take it outside.



Yeah, I'm looking

for to get blowed.



We don't have that.



I've been scarred!



Get off me,

I'm straight.



So's spaghetti till you get it

heated up.



I tell you, this virginal

operation works.



Even the most skeptical man

will be convinced.



You're what I'd call

a pity fuck?



The restored virgin

fills a gelatin capsule with blood



and inserts it into her vagina

just before intercourse.



You're all crazy.



When she has sex for the first time,

the hymen will pop.



You'll be a virgin

for the second time.



- Leave us alone.

- Help!



Hey! Hey!

Call the National Guard.



To hell with Harford Road!



We're moving back to D.C.

Where we belong.



- Frank, call them off.

- But, Ursula,



they are hotter than a fresh fucked fox

in a forest fire, you know that.



I am pure now, Fat Blank Frank,

I'm a Neuter.



Just let them puppies

loose, honey.



I have faced the beast of lust

and I have won.




my back hurts.



I get rashes.

Simple chores bother me.



I would like to sleep on my stomach,

if you don't mind.



Please, Ursula...!



- Let's go sexing.

- N-O spells no!



- Come on, man...

- This isn't that kind of place. Lady!



aah... auto-erotic




Oh, you oughta

try it, ahh!



- Let me in, you know you got it.

- Get away! We're not horny.



We're married.

We don't want anything.



Somebody somewhere,



finish me up!



- Huh?

- Feel like getting lucky?



Huh? Huh-Uh.



Hey, how about you?

Huh? How about you?






You are barred from

the Pinewood Park-and-Pay.



Ever hear of




Get help!



- Oh, my God!

- Hey, polar bear,



- you know what an "otter" is?

- No.



It's a bear cub who

isn't fat or hairy yet, but will be.



Find me

a significant otter.


















Get out, you disgusting

piece of filth.



Get out now and

never come back.



Yeah, baby!



Oh, no, not you!



Yeah, baby!



Yeah, baby!







Ursula! Ursula! Ursula!






  Yeah, my gal is

red hot  



  Your gal

ain't doodly squat  



  Well she ain't got no money,

but man, she's really got a lot...  



  Oh, baby, let me bang

your box  



  Baby, let me bang

your box  



  Baby, let me

bang your box  



  Baby, let me bang

your box  



  Baby, let me bang it,

baby, let me bang it  



  Baby, let me bang

your box  



 ... Let me bang your box,

oh, baby, I'll give you a thrill...  



This is a liberated area.



The sexual revolution

has been won.



You can finally be free.

Come out.



The Neuters have fled.



There is somebody

for everybody.



- That means you!

- Ray Ray!



Straight, gay or bi, there's a new sex

act just waiting for you.



Sex for everybody!

Fuck your neighbors joyously.




You, on your front lawn.



Join us.

Come on, let's go.



The Neuters are history.



We are taking over!



Today Harford Road...



Tomorrow the world!



Then all of Baltimore, then up

to Washington and finally New York,



the Midwest, the South,




Europe, Japan,

North Korea...



the whole world will soon

fuck at the same time.



Sexual anarchy

will finally happen.



Come on, let's go!

Jump on!



Ladies and gentlemen,

the captain has informed us



that we have begun

our final approach



into Ronald Reagan

Washington National Airport.



Mr. Hasselhoff?



Sorry to interrupt,

but you are my favorite star.



- Can I have your autograph?

- Yeah, sure.



- Thank you.

- If you must use the lavatory



prior to our scheduled

arrival, please do so at this time.



Excuse me one second.




Per FAA regulations,



please put away

any electronic devices.



Flight crew,

prepare for landing.









You're beautiful, baby...



I'm past that,

Fat Frank, forever!



Yeah, come on.



Oh, my pills!












can I have some lunch




- Oh.

- Dad, ah!






- Ha-ha!

- No, Vaughn, I've done that.



You know, don't you?












She was

a Neuter.



A sexual anorexic

whose time has come.



Ow! Oh!



Big Ethel...?






The big "O."



Do it for us

one more time, Ray Ray.



Now, Ray Ray, now!






Let's go sexing!



  At the end of a rainbow  



  You'll find

a pot of gold  



  At the end of a story  



  You'll find

it's all been told  



  But our love

has a treasure  



  Our hearts

can always spend  



  And it has a story  



  Without any end  



  At the end of a river  



  The water stops

its flow  



  At the end of a highway  



  There's no place

you can go  



  But just tell me

you love me  



  And you are only mine  



  And our love will go on  



  Till the end...  



  Of time  



  At the end of a river  



  The water stops

its flow  



  At the end of a highway  



  There's no place

you can go  



  But just tell me

you love me  



  And you are only mine  



  And our love will go on  



  Till the end...  



  Of time  



  Till the end...  



  Of time.  



  Let's go sexing  



  Let's go




  Let's go sexing  



  You know I love you  



  When you make me

feel good  



  A funny feeling  



  Pounding in my head  



  My hands are trembling  



  My eyes are turning red  



  I'm a desperate man  



  With a heavy load  



  Like a volcano  



  I'm about to explode  



  Let's go sexing  



  Let's go




  Let's go sexing  



  You know I love you  



  When you make me

feel good  



  Let's go sexing  



  Let's go




  Let's go sexing  



  You know I love you  



  When you make me

feel good  



  Come on, concussion,

liberate my brain  



  My pulse is rushing  



  There's lava in my veins  



  Pumping with passion  



  Throbbing with desire  



  A heatseeker missile

with a burning tailfire  



  Oh, let's go sexing  



  Let's go sexing  



  Let's go




  I'll say I love you  



  If it makes you feel good  



  I'm a wild Roman candle  



  With, baby, loads of fire  



  Oh, let's go sexing  



  Yeah, let's go sexing  



  Let's go sexing  



  I'll say I love you  



  If you make me feel good  



  Oh yeah!  

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