Voila! Finally, the Doctor Detroit
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring PHoward
Hesseman and Dan Aykroyd. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Doctor Detroit. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Don't you stopDon't you wonder whylife itself pops inand takes you by surpriseDon't you try to runIt gets you from behindLike a common coldit takes you for a rideDon't you stop to thinkDon't you even tryCall me doctor
Five eight-minute miles,
less corrections
for construction zone
plus traffic
and liquids...
Adjusted ETA downtown
is now three minutes
plus coming down.
Call me doctor
Bye!
Don't you stopDon't you wonder whylife itself pops inand takes you by surpriseDon't you try to run
Hey, hey, look.
He's some kind of nut.
Look at him.
Loves his exercise.
Mmm-hmm.
Hey, man. Nice legs.
Fuck you!
Now is the time
to call me doctorThis is a serious caseThere's not much time,
now call me doctorThey love to
watch him operate
Ow, sweet thing!
How you doing, baby?
Good morning,
baby, how are you?
Good morning,
Miss Blittstein.
Fix your shirt.
You're so sloppy.
Come on, girls.
Let's go to work.
It comes and goes
so call me doctorThey need
a special techniqueIt grows and grows,
now call me doctorCalling Doctor,
Doctor Detroit
Hey, Boss,
check out the geek!
Yeah, I want you
to see this guy.
Slow down, Diavolo.
It's the same guy.
He's cute.
He's got nice legs
for a geek.
You're right.
Forget it, we're late.
Let's go, Diavolo.
Marvelous.
Well, anchors away,
sweetheart.
Don't forget to
take the Dramamine.
Oh, come on, Jasmine, baby.
What can he do
that I can't do?
Never mind.
Good afternoon, ma'am.
Hi, Stretch. Are you getting
taller or did I break a heel?
Not to mention
checks aren't supposed to
bounce, are they?
Here comes young Skridlow.
Good afternoon, Skridlow.
Right on time.
Finish classes. Six miles into
town to the Faculty Club as usual
and now
I'm indulging myself.
Dinner out and a movie.
Bye.
Look, I paid $ for this tie
and I think
it looks great, okay?
I would have
bought the other one.
I didn't hire you to be a fashion
consultant, I hired you to drive.
So, please, just drive. Hmm?
Well, one day I'm gonna have
my own driver
because I'm gonna be an actor.
Look, Diavolo, just cut the
Sidney Poitier impressions, okay?
They'll call me Mr. Diavolo!
Fine.
Hey, wait a second, man.
What the fuck's
going on here?
Who is it?
It says "Mom's."
That's one of Mom's cars.
Hey, man, where the fuck
you get your driver's license?
Hey, Smooth!
Yeah, here's
the Yul Brynner clones.
Hey, Smooth Walker!
Me?
Yeah, you,
you son of a bitch!
Mom wants to see you!
Silly me, I thought we were in
the middle of a motorcade here.
Aren't you boys on your way
to the Cue-ball Convention?
Yeah, you...
Hey, man.
Watch it, asshole.
Just be cool
and drive, okay?
Keep your eyes
on the road.
Say, I just had this
motherfucker washed and waxed?
Be cool.
Say, Boss, you want me
to lose these assholes?
Come on, get out.
Let's go, Kingfish.
Mom's waiting.
Take it easy on the suit. You
want the Asshole of the Year Award?
You got my vote, okay?
Take it easy, Johnny.
Okay, guys, listen,
I can walk by myself, okay?
What are you guys,
training wheels?
Hi, Mom. Pleasure
to see you, as always.
You owe me $ .
Uh, $ .
I'm a couple of months behind.
$ .
$ extra is
a late-payments penalty.
There are lots of
other penalties, you know?
Look, Mom, I'm doing my best.
I mean, I got overhead...
Shut up!
The only reason you're
walking around with both knees
is 'cause
you got a class act.
I'll tell you
what we're gonna do.
You give me your money,
the girls,
everything else you've got.
We'll call it even.
What about me?
I'll let you live.
Quiet.
Mom, I mean, you know how
things work in this town.
If it was up to me alone,
I'd be thrilled
to settle this thing
with you,
but, well,
l... I got a new partner.
Another partner?
This guy,
this dude from Detroit.
Uh, he just moved in on me.
Detroit? Are you kidding?
I know people in Detroit.
Not this guy.
I mean, he's too big.
He's too bad.
He's as bad as you are.
Maybe even badder.
I'm scared, Mom,
and that's why l... I go
along with the Doctor.
The Doctor?
Yeah, Doctor.
Doctor...
Detroit.
I don't know if
he's really from Detroit,
maybe that's just
a handle he uses.
You mean you let this
jerk-off muscle in on Mom?
Just let him in without...
Just let him in?
I'm scared, Mom.
He's a scary guy.
I gotta meet this Doctor.
I'll... I'll see if I can
arrange a meeting,
but do me a favor, Mom.
Just leave me out of it.
I've suffered enough.
Okay, boys, turn him loose.
If he gets out of line,
you can have him for lunch.
Get the fuck
out of here!
Diavolo.
Where to, Boss?
Australia, South Pole,
China, okay?
I gotta stop and get gas,
you know that.
Just drive, okay. Please?
Hey, man,
I hate to say this again
but you got your little fuzzy
white ass in a crack.
And you know there
isn't any Doctor Detroit.
You just pissed
away the money.
Please, I know what I did.
I am trying to
figure a way out!
Yeah, okay, okay, well,
you just remember that you
didn't spend any
of that money on me.
It doesn't matter, bro.
You are in this with me.
I'm not going down alone.
Wait a second, man,
what are you talking about?
It's not my fault that you spent all
that money on those clothes, shoes,
this big gas-guzzling tank,
and that penthouse of yours.
Diavolo, I didn't say it was your
fault, I said it was your problem.
Now we have to find
ourselves a patsy, okay?
Well, what kind of
patsy you talking about?
I don't know.
Somebody who could be
Doctor Detroit,
whatever the hell that is.
A yo-yo.
Where are you gonna
find a geek like that?
Yep, yep, how was it?
Terrible.
"Mulligatawny soup,
lamb vindaloo,
alu parathas, saag"...
All on the special.
Perfect.
Excuse me, please.
Pardon me, sir.
Guptar!
Mr. Skridlow, welcome.
Namaste.
Namaste.
Please, this way.
Mr. Skridlow,
the lamb vindaloo is
very, very good this evening.
That's just what
I was thinking.
What a coincidence.
I will bring
the waiter over right away.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So he wears
this little sailor suit
and I do my best
"Flower of the Orient" number.
Like it's and we're
in Long Bar in Shanghai.
That sounds like fun.
Till we play
"find the gunboat."
Hey!
Isn't that the funny-looking
guy with the great legs?
Ooh, yeah.
Great legs, nice tushie,
I think he's cute.
Hi, honey.
Ah, he didn't hear me.
Hiya, girls.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Hey, you made it.
Just barely.
Ah, Bourbon, no ice, double.
What's the matter, Smoothie,
you had a rough day, honey?
Been talking business
all day long.
Just money, money.
Blah, blah...
And?
And, everything is fine.
Girls, girls, look,
it takes a lot of
time and energy
just to cover our investments
every day, okay?
I don't wanna talk
about it during dinner.
Okay.
Okay.
Fine.
Hey, Smooth.
Look, your old friend.
Son of a bitch.
Here we are, sir.
Yeah, listen.
You see the guy over here?
The four-eyed gentleman with
his nose buried in the book?
Sir?
The guy with
the seat-cover sport jacket.
Yes, sir.
I wanna buy him a drink.
Yes, sir.
No, uh, I wanna
buy him dinner.
Very good, sir.
Chop, chop.
Mmm, generous!
Excuse me, sir,
but the gentleman
at the table opposite you
with the young ladies
would like you to
join him for dinner.
Really? I can't believe it.
Sell it, girls.
I wonder what
the man could want.
Homosexual come-on, maybe.
No, he couldn't be gay,
not with all those
beautiful women.
And even if he is,
maybe they're not.
What harm in accepting
the man's hospitality?
But, no free lunch
in this world, say I.
I can thank him though.
Yes.
Yes, I'll thank him.
That's
the decent thing to do.
Uh, this is
most unexpected.
Do I know you?
Perhaps you were in my
Comp-Lit class at Monroe?
I don't believe so.
Excuse me, I'm Jasmine...
And I'm totally
thoughtless.
Allow me to
introduce everyone.
This is Karen,
and I'm Smooth Walker.
This is Monica,
Hello.
Jasmine, of course,
and this is Thelma.
You are...
Uh, Clifford Skridlow.
My friends call me Cliff.
Clifford, oh, how cute.
Well, join us, Cliff.
Uh, well,
I-I've... I've already ordered...
Why don't I have Mr. Skridlow's
dinner brought to this table?
Why don't you?
Great.
Here comes
that chair, Cliff.
Just slip right in.
We'll have another fresh
drink for our new friend Cliff.
How very gracious
of you.
Can you tell us
anything at all about this
tandoori thing?
Oh, you've ordered
the tandoori?
Well, uh,
you're going to enjoy it.
It's... lt's really
a marvelous technique.
It's a miniature clay oven,
completely enclosed, a marinade,
and the heat of the oven
and the enclosure on top
that keeps the juices in,
uh, and, uh, thus causes
the, uh, meat
to come out pink.
Ooh, I love it.
Thank you
for coming.
Thank you,
my good man.
I got it, honey.
Come on.
Come on.
Fresh air gives one a
decided lift, doesn't it?
Well, I'm off to the Cinema
Obscura. It's the last night
of the Satyajit Ray Pather Panchali
trilogy. I'd like to catch it.
Don't worry about it.
I got the whole thing
on videocassette.
Pather Panchali,
the whole trilogy,Deep Throat,
E. T., you name it.
Hey...
Thank you, Diavolo, the door.
Wait, Boss,
this is the geek...
Yes, this is
Professor Clifford Skridlow.
He's an expert
on chivalry, honor,
literature,
Indian cuisine...
Don't forget power walking,
systems analysis, rock climbing...
And what about
erotic adventure?
I never said that.
So, think about it.
Shall we be going then?
Come on.
Come on.
We'll have a wonderful time...
Yeah.
And you look like you could
use a little company, right?
Yeah. Get in.
Would you get
your ass in the car?
She's a very kinky girlThe kind you don't take home
to motherShe will never let
your spirits downOnce you get her
off the streetShe likes the boys
in the bandShe says that
I'm her all-time favorite
Catchy tune.
Yeah.
Do you dance?
Not much.
Oh, go on,
you got that rhythm. Go on.
Show them
what you're made of.
Come on,
I know you wanna do it.
It'll be so much fun. You look
so handsome in this jacket.
Well, I might as
well work off supper.
There you go.
Gangway,
hop to, coming through.
Oh, that's cute.
Hey, Smooth,
what are we being so
nice to this guy for?
Well, I'm, uh, thinking about
taking in a new partner.
Let's go mix it up.
She's a super freakSuper freakShe's super-freaky
Like Lord Wittgenstein
and monks
drinking wine and
the flagons were full.
Watch the water.
Beautiful, wait!
Traffic, stop, stop.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm gonna fire up
a fun log. Mmm?
Yeah.
It really doesn't do anything
to me, and I've tried.
Oh, yeah! You're just
Mr. Natural, aren't you?
Let's get
high on life?
The body is a temple, huh?
Well, you could say
that actually, sure.
She just did.
Go on, try some.
That's not
gonna do it.
Love, loveLove, love
All the way
to the right?
Oh, boy!
Oh...
Thank you.
Get in there, file in. Wait
till you see this next place.
Come on.
Come to Mama.
Okay, here we go.
Wake up, Diavolo.
Drive, my man.
Let's go, go, go!
What a great car.
Forward, Diavolo, forward.
He was a real nut.
I read that.
I know.
He was mad.
Really?
Come on,
don't make him blush.
It'll make you
feel so good.
Ooh!
Hold it. Hold it.
Hold him
We're on a roll here.
Watch it, watch it.
Hold himShow himShow him that it's realShow him
that it feels good
I can feel
my hair growing.
Hey, baby,
it's good dope.
No, it's not the dope.
It doesn't affect me.
Explain that.
Drink up, Cliff.
A new way of
looking at things, huh?
I guess so.
You're a marvelous...
You're a marvelous group.
Are we?
Very perceptive.
Thank you.
Welcome home.
Wow, look at this place!
It's positively vulgar!
You must be so
incredibly rich!
Look, your art collection,
it's on the...
Oh, I... You purposely...
Because... Chicago!
Your kind of town.
Yes!
Where am I?
You're right here.
Where's here?
Well, here is
where it's at.
Now, come on,
don't give me any of that
freshman philosophy crap.
I'm talking
existential being.
Well, of course you are,
gorgeous.
You're very pretty,
like a bright little bug.
A dragon!
Say, Boss, check it out.
You got my man
over here tripping.
Dude is tripping.
What'd you give...
Stay down at the front,
with the car.
Say what?
I thought you said I could take
the rest of the night off, man.
Sure, but in the car.
Oh!
Look, what utterly
tasteless furnishings.
Cliff.
So, you're in
the entertainment business.
Well, you could call us
public servants.
Don't we look it?
You know, I think
Cliffie is a little tense.
Uh, perhaps a hot bath?
Oh, yeah.
No, no, I don't think
it's tension,
l... I think it's more fatigue.
l... I really should be going.
It's... lt's far past my usual
bedtime.
And let's just
say I'm... I'm not tense.
Yes, you are. I can feel
it, Cliff, right up in there.
My lattisimus dorsi,
you're so right.
It's only natural
on a night
that could
change your life.
Ah, nothing's gonna
change my life.
My life is set.
What could possibly happen?
How'd you like to
come into this business?
The entertainment business?
Exactly.
All I wanna do is
share my good fortune,
my... my involvement
with other people,
my world.
Oh, I...
I don't know.
See, I have a business,
I teach comparative literature
at Monroe College.
I'm a full
assistant professor now.
My father is
chancellor of the college.
l... l... I'm committed.
Think about it, Cliffie.
Just think about it.
Your own business.
Your piece of
the American dream.
A nice company pad,
the best employee roster
this side of heaven.
Thelma, Karen,
Monica, Jasmine.
Now, that's
entertainment.
And they'd all be
working for you.
All for you.
It's all very sudden...
I have responsibilities...
l... l... I...
Well...
Soak!
Think about it.
Relax.
Enjoy.
Oh, yeah!
Yeah!
Oh!
ETA to splashdown:
Two seconds!
You dark,
burnished thing, you!
Oh, you beauties!
Ooh! Your legs are so
muscular for a teacher.
Do you exercise?
Yeah, as a teacher,
I stand a lot.
Listen, sweetheart,
do you think we can use
battery-operated
devices under water?
Yes! Use them.
I'm gonna show
you how to play
"find the gunboat."
This is the best time
I've ever had
in my entire life!
Do you hear me, world?
My entire life!
You gonna make it, man?
Yeah, yeah, thank you,
I think so.
Thank you, thank you.
Take care, my brother.
Hello, Son.
Hello, Father.
That's a late night.
I guess, a little.
Good morning, Clifford.
Breakfast anyone?
No, none for me.
Oh, of course not.
You're probably gonna
starve yourself to death.
What makes you think
that I'd take my own life?
Oh, I was speaking
figuratively, dear.
But these
financial statements...
Clifford, cash
your paycheck quickly.
Margaret! Mar... Mar...
Would you please excuse me?
That is private business
between the trustees and me.
Forget it,
everything's peachy...
Harmon Rousehorn,
I'm gonna call him
and tell him to
cancel his visit.
We don't need
his endowment check.
Don't you dare.
My God!
Oh! Honestly, some people
just can't take a joke.
I'm gonna water
my begonias.
Well, I would prefer
for you to hear it from me.
But without the
Rousehorn endowment check
this college can't even meet
its current payroll.
But we are getting the check.
I mean, Rousehorn's coming in
to present it himself.
It's a major endowment.
It's in the press.
Look, son, without
that check, Monday next
the banks are gonna
close this college down.
Close it down.
One hundred years
of scholarship
and public service
shot to shit.
I've gotta go up
and get some winks
before my : lecture.
You've got a : .
Is today Wednesday?
Yes, Wednesday.
I thought it was Thursday.
Excuse me, please.
Thank you.
Morning.
Ah-ah-ah. Places, please.
Let's begin. Sorry I'm late.
We were discussing
the hero's role in chivalry
as exemplified by
the character of Lancelot,
based on Thomas Malory's
Le Morte d'Arthur.
Entranced by
Arthur's Queen Guinevere,
Lancelot,
a knight of impeccable virtue,
faces a crisis
as his idée fixe
confronts his libido.
Any comments?
Mr. Frankman,
what do you think
of Lancelot's crisis?
Well, I think
Lancelot was an idiot.
Mr. Frankman,
how long have you been
in the first-year program?
Four years.
Uh, duty, selfless honor,
chastity, humility,
uh, purity,
a devotion to a greater good.
I mean, by now,
don't any of these things
mean anything to you?
All together now:
What is the chivalric ideal?
The chivalric ideal is one
of duty to a higher cause
in which purity and
chastity are virtues
and manly strength and honor
are devoted
to their preservation.
And justice for all.
Just let it out! They'll
get to your real feelings.
How does it feel?
Hey, man, I feel lousy...
Lousy.
I feel shitty...
Hmm.
I feel pissed off...
Violent, hostile?
Yeah, a little.
Great! Hit me.
Hey, man, I can't do that.
Look, you can.
You want to.
You... You... You have to.
I need it.
Hey, man.
What's wrong with you?
You getting a little kinky?
'Cause if you are,
it's gonna cost you extra.
I learned that
from the girls.
They learned that from me
and that has
nothing to do with this!
Now, look, Diavolo, for once,
do what I tell you to do
and try to do it right!
Now, hit me!
Say, man, what's wrong
with you? You going crazy?
I can't hit you.
You want me to call a doctor?
I ain't hitting you, man.
Okay. I'll make it
real easy for you.
I got everything,
you got nothing, right?
I'm the boss,
you ain't jack shit!
I am white. I don't even
know what you are!
Say, man, I'm black!
All right,
then try to remember
that my grandfather
owned your grandfather!
Your mama!
That's good, Diavolo.
That's good!
Oh, my back!
Oh, your ass!
Take it easy.
Take it easy.
Not the teeth.
You don't tell me
what to do.
You want me
to kick your ass?
Then I'm gonna kick your
white motherfucking ass!
Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you!
Hmm.
Oh, nice.
Black eye, lacerations,
multiple contusions...
Hey, what'd you do,
try to roll a sailor?
Doctor Detroit.
He's bad, Mom. Really bad.
Mom, I gotta get out of town.
Now, your heavies
can settle this shit.
Just leave old
Smooth out of it.
You mean that's it?
Couple of broken ribs,
you're ready to cave in?
Gee. With a partner like you,
who needs enemies?
Adi... Adios, Mom.
Believe me,
you deserve to get
every bit of your cash back.
It's just that
I don't have it.
See Doctor Detroit, he's...
he's your man.
Oh, my God.
Give me that shit.
Are you kidding?
He's for real.
I gotta find out
more about this Doctor.
Hey, what's that black chick
who works for Smooth?
Um, Thelma.
Get her busted.
I wanna see just
how good this Doctor
takes care of his people.
She's busted.
Let's do it.
Look out, asshole.
Thank you, man,
thank you.
Oh, yes.
Okay, Mr. Finkelman.
Uh, we have you
one-way first class,
Air Togo to the Cook Islands,
then local service
to Rarotonga.
Are you sure you
want this just one-way?
Right, sweetheart,
one-way, no return.
In the financial briefing,
you'll see
that each person
has their own report
as well as what is theirs...
Now, Arthur, if we just...
Now, may I have
your attention, please,
to ltem on the agenda
which is the alumni dinner?
As customary, we will be
at the Excelsior Hotel
in the Orchid Room.
Cliff will introduce
Harmon Rousehorn.
Cliff?
Cliff, may we have
your attention, please?
Oh, ahem...
I'm sorry, uh, go ahead, sir.
Uh, the president emeritus
will present
the honorary degree.
Uh, Mr. Rousehorn
will make a few brief remarks
and then present the college
with the endowment check
for the Harold Robbins Chair.
Are there any questions?
Will there be a fruit cup?
Yes.
Will there be
a choice of vegetables?
No.
Last year there
wasn't any fruit cup
and the shrimp were off.
This year there
will be a fruit cup.
Uh, this is
Chancellor Skridlow.
Hello? Criff? Criff?
Uh, Cliff,
I believe this is for you.
Would you please
make it snappy, son?
Uh, this is Criff,
uh, Cliff.
Cliff, good morning.I'm still tingling
from last night.Oh, but something
terrible has happened.You have to help me.
Um, uh um, M-M-Miss Wu,
I'm... I'm... I'm in a meeting,
uh, per... perhaps we can
discuss this in... in class.
Cliff...Class, my ass. Give me that.
Excuse me, please.
Uh...
Uh, what is it?
Thelma's in jail
and Smooth's goneso you gotta help us...Give me that phone.Hi, Cliff, it's me, Karen.First things first,
You're gonna have toget over here
as fast as you canand help us out.
This is an emergency...
I've no time. Thanks.
I'm so sorry.
Where were we?
Uh, now obviously
there is no need
to stress
the importance
of the Rousehorn endowment...
Hello?
Hey, Cliff,
what's the big idea, anyway?You know, after last night,
a person would think, well...What, were you using us?
Uh, uh, listen, I'm in a very
important meeting right now
with the faculty of my college
including, uh, my father,
the Chancellor...
Cliff...He's talking about his father. Shut up.This is Monica, birthmark...
Oh. Excuse me.
Okay, now listen, I sent
Diavolo with the car...
Uh, yo,
is Cliff Skridlow here?
Cliff, what's happening?
Hey, man,
I'm double-parked outside.
Well, you'll just
have to wait.
What the hell is
going on here, anyway?
Uh, he just
got here.
Uh, I'm so... I'm so sorry
about these interruptions.
Are we still in session
or is this a coffee break?
No, we are still in
session. We gotta go, bro.
I'm coming.
l... I'm coming.
I'll be there,
don't worry about a thing.
I'm... I'm on my way.
Vietnamese girl.
Distraught, distressed...
Uh, urgent, needs
immediate faculty counseling.
Uh, I'll be back.
" ."
"Robert. E.
Lee Davis-Jackson."
I don't wanna hear
any more about it!
Every time I turn around,
you're up here
in front of me
on a traffic violation!
And if it
happens one more time,
you're gonna be spending your
declining years in the slammer!
Now, get out of here!
Next case.
A southern tyrant.
Uh, pardon me,
are you looking for a lawyer?
Uh, no.
Well, uh, would you like to
discuss it over a drink?
I know a wonderful cozy
little bar across the street.
No, thank you, I have
business with the court.
Thanks anyway.
Hmm.
Well, excuse me.
Sir, I have a business
proposition for you.
Mmm-hmm.
Would you be willing
to, uh, part with certain
elements of your
unique wardrobe
for a cash retainer?
Does that mean
sell my clothes?
Nah.
lf, uh, look, i-if there were
thoughts in that direction,
I mean, what sort of offer
are we kind of talking about?
Well, I wouldn't
want to insult you...
You can't insult me.
You see, I'm a lawyer.
Talk best price.
I have repeatedly
warned counsel
not to provoke
the court with all this...
Is this
Department and one?
Step aside, lackey,
or you'll be eating my boot!
What is going on?
Exactly, your honor,
what is going on?
When a flower of the South,
a decent girl with
a beautiful good family
is arrested
on her way home from
her niece's confirmation
and booked and incarcerated
like a common
woman of the streets.
I'm talking
about Thelma Cleland!
Of the Cleland
Parish Clelands
of Bay St. Luc, Louisiana.
Excuse me!
Where our father
Colonel Judge Bryant Cleland
presides over
the Cleland County
Fifth Circuit bench.
I demand that you release
this girl right now
or you'll all taste the
business end of a buggy whip!
Bailiff...
Yes, sir.
get your ass
over here!
You got a case number?
Yes, I do.
Two, zero, five, six, nine,
"A," Alpha. "R," Ranger.
I'll get it!
Now, just exactly
what is your relationship
to the arrestee?
Uh, well, sir,
the young woman is my sister!
I know you can believe
that the family honor
is at stake here.
You strike me
as a gentleman, sir.
Surely you must understand.
Why, of course, I understand.
My people were
related to Jefferson Davis,
on my mother's side.
I knew it!
I knew it, indeed, I knew it!
A son of the South.
Son of what?
O-Of the South, sir.
The confederacy!
Uh, your honor.
What?
Loitering with intent
to commit prostitution,
lewd behavior, soliciting
for an unlawful act.
Bail at $ your honor.
I can't believe my ears!
This is an outrage!
Let me see that thing!
This is outrageous,
ridiculous! Let me see that.
Why,
I demand satisfaction!
Get the arresting
officer in here!
I will tar and
feather the scalawag!
Now hold on, Mr. Cleland!
Hold on!
I can release your sister
on her own recognizance
and dismiss this case
in the interests of justice.
Well, thank you. It would
serve my family well.
Sir,
we'd be very grateful.
Do you like shrimp?
Indeed, I do.
You can come down
to Bay St. Luc,
we'll cook you up
a whole mess of shrimp.
We got some
shrimp in that family.
How about Tampa?
Thelma!
Bud!
Come on, honey,
we are going home.
And not a moment
too soon.
Case dismissed.
I can't tell you the
indignities I suffered here.
Thank you,
my father thanks you.
You're entirely welcome.
That girl is colored!
Nobody colored me,
I was born this way!
Come here, baby.
That's all right.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
See you later.
Diavolo could have told me
you were the black person.
Bailiff,
I want that man charged
with impersonating a cracker!
Yes, sir.
That was just incredible!
I can't believe
you did that!
How did this
happen to you?
I was busted.
It was an occupational...
I mean, an occasional hazard.
Come on, Cliff, I mean...
Impossible.
It was never agreed,
never mentioned,
never discussed!
Smooth was very clear
about the whole thing.
He said, "I will be gone
two or three days
and Cliff's in charge."
Have you ever even heard
of Doctor Detroit?
You see, Skridlow, this
guy's got to be a big man.
He's got to be cool.
He's a partner, like Mom,
but only worse, brother!
Mom? A-A-Are you saying
someone's mother
is involved in all this?
Yes!
Oh, boy.
Hey, check upstairs.
Okay, Mom.
This is nice.
This is real nice.
A gal could be
real comfy in here.
Uh...
l... I don't... don't believe
that you're welcome here.
l... I think that
you'd better leave.
Quiet!
Who is this twerp, huh?
Doctor Detroit?
Well, I wouldn't even
venture...
Don't bother.
Oh, my little stable
is top drawer, high quality.
Am I gonna enjoy
running these bitches.
Hey, we don't
work for you.
We never have
and we never will!
Oh, you just sit down!
Now listen, Smooth's gone,
which means
your ass is mine, girlie.
Uh, uh, uh, p-pardon me
for just... just a second.
l... I just... just
wanna clarify things here.
Are you actually saying
that these girls are...
They're hookers
and whores.
Hey. Hey, I like this.
Take it. Get this thing here.
Uh, forget that.
Oh. Hey, I like that.
Ooh, ain't that a beauty?
Ooh, I like this. Here.
Hey! okay, now, I want you to
stop this! Right this instant!
Let's see what else
I can find.
I mean that.
You'll stop!
You'll take your dirty
mitts off the fixtures!
Those are Doctor's orders!
Doctor Detroit.
The bad man
from Michigan, himself.
I am his executive assistant.
You touch any of us
and his measure of revenge
will be most swift and horrible,
I can assure you of that!
Damn, Skridlow,
talk some shit!
I'm shivering.
Now, come on, boys,
finish things up
and then you can bust
junior up, here, for laughs.
I warn you!
I am extensively read in White
Crane Kung Fu and Hapkido!
Right, all right,
get down, Skridlow.
Okay, okay, don't get
your balls in an uproar.
We can always talk.
Well, then talk!
Well, not to you.
To the boss.
Me and Doctor Detroit.
Face to face.
Uh, you and Doctor Detroit.
Okay, fine.
I'll set up a meeting...
All right.
...between you
and Doctor Detroit.
Uh, tomorrow night, at the
th St. graveyard. At midnight.
Midnight?
The graveyard?
That's kinda dramatic,
ain't it?
Well, that's my offer.
Take it or leave it,
Bigfoot!
Come on now, cool it!
Cool it!
Get down, Skridlow,
with your Hapkido self.
All right! Yeah, brother,
show 'em what you can do.
Well, that's it!
That's my offer.
Tomorrow night,
th St. graveyard, midnight.
No excuses. No substitutions!
I don't talk
to flunkies!
Now, I'll meet
with your Doctor,
and we'll settle
this shit together!
Well then, fine. If our business here is
concluded, I'll kindly ask you to leave.
Leave!
Okay, come on.
Get out!
Tomorrow! Get out of here, all of you.
Come on, boys.
Out! Scat! Be gone! Raus!
And don't let the door hit you and
your collective asses on the way out!
All right, Skridlow!
That Hapkido shit
came in handy, brother!
You were wonderful.
You were a hero.
Our knight
in shining armor.
So macho.
Umm.
You really think so?
Oh, yeah.
Look, but, w-w-w-what were they saying
earlier about... about you girls?
I mean, c-c-could it
possibly be...
Oh, come on, Cliff.
You're a big boy.
It's a job.
We're working girls.
And believe me,
honey, we are the best.
You are professionals.
And Smooth was your
pi-pi-pi...
Does that change anything,
Cliff?
All right, don't tell me
any more.
I will be your protector, but I
won't be your manager, your agent,
nor your pi-pi-pi...
I can't even say it.
Anyway, it won't be me.
It will be Doctor Detroit.
Now, for now, we just
maintain, we go on as before
until Smooth returns.
The Doctor will take care
of everything.
But above all, don't tell
anybody about Doctor Detroit,
nor what I am doing.
Nobody.
I will try.
Absolutely.
This Doctor Detroit is bad.
B-A-D, man.
He's badder than
Larry Holmes.
He's badder than
Joe Frazier.
Badder than
Ken Norton.
Oh.
Badder than Jerry Quarry.
He's even badder than
Mr. Clean!
Mom, Mom,
it's all over the streets.
What?
Doctor Detroit's
movin' in.
They say we are
movin' out.
Oh, the hell, you say! I
haven't even met the Doctor.
But when I do,
he's dog meat.
Yeah.
I must do the decent thing.
It's such
an indecent profession.
You enjoyed it,
though, didn't you?
Yes, but I didn't
have to pay.
What about this
Doctor Detroit?
What about him?
Somebody has to
do the work.
Better him than you.
You? Me?
Sleep on it.
Yeah.
Okay, sleep on it.
Cliff?
Oh, oh!
Shh!
Be quiet.
Jasmine?
What... What... What are you
doing here? This is my room.
Uh, Jasmine,
where are you taking me?
I'm still half-asleep.
Quick, quick.
Are... Are you listening to me?
Are you listening to me?
Ooh, Ulysses S.
motherfucking Grant.
Welcome to the neighborhood,
brother.
Ooh, Cliff,
check out this money, man.
Cash, money.
l... I know, but... but where did
all this money come from?
The old-fashioned way.
We earned it!
But...
Cliffie, there are
other fringe benefits.
Uh, uh...
Like samples.
Oriental baths.
I don't...
Swedish massages.
French lessons.
I know how to speak...
Exotic, erotic,
juicy adventures.
It's ridiculous!
I mean, what would men of real
virtue do if they were in my position?
I'll tell you one thing, they wouldn't
sit around wearin' those pajamas.
Ooh. Hey!
Here's your hat, Daddy, I
picked it out especially for you.
I'm dreaming.
The wages of sin.
The wages of sin.
Give us the money
and let us come in.
The wages of sin.
The wages of sin.
Give us the money
and let us come in.
Judge not, Sonny,
lest ye be judged.
Mark well the wages of sin!
Come home.
Father, I want... I want you and
your... your parental guidance.
I need moral support.
Father, can't you do
anything to stop this?
Yay! Ooh, ooh,
ah, ah, ah.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ah, ooh, ah,
ooh, ah, ooh, ah.
Ah, um, mmm, mmm, um.
Clifford, I heard
you had some money.
Give it to the college.
No more bucks from Uncle Sam.
It's gotta come
from someplace.
It's filthy money! It's money
from depraved sources!
See what money
pleasure brings?
See what pleasure
money brings?
Thanks, my man.
I can see where
you're coming from.
She's all yours.
This is fun!
My mother's not for sale!
It's all for sale!
All for sale! All for sale!
Not my mother!
Not for the college!
Not for any money!
Not for anybody!
Not for anything!
Not my mother!
Mother, stop, please!
All for sale! All for sale!
Don't go, Mother! Stop!
Listen, Mother, stop!
No! No, I will not
sell my own mother!
Of course
you wouldn't, dear.
But it's a sweet thought.
Huh.
Anybody care to comment
on the concept
of, uh,
death before dishonor?
Comments, anyone?
No? Good!
Come on, let's go.
Oh, get some sleep...
Edison used to nap
in his lab for two hours,
Napoleon fought a war on four.
Greater men than me
have had less sleep.
Oh.
Oh.
Son.
Oh.
Oh, son, I'm glad you
stopped by before leaving.
Leaving?
You're... You're going
into the city.
Harmon Rousehorn's train
is arriving at : .
And you have to arrange
for the caterers
for the welcome dinner here
tomorrow night,
and you have to pick him up
at the station.
Here. Uh, take the Buick
and, uh, get yourself
together. You're a sight.
Rousehorn. Train.
Edison. Nap. Two hours.
Hey, Skridlow,
what's happening, man?
Uh, uh...
L-L-L-Look, where you goin'?
Talk. Khyber's.
Union Station. The train.
Rousehorn. Sleep.
What you talkin' about, man?
Wait, you got a meeting
with Mom tonight
at some graveyard.
Remember? You made the date,
so you got to keep it.
Where's Doctor Detroit, man?
Where's Doctor Detroit?
Doc-Doctor Detroit?
Yeah.
Doctor Detroit!
I'll make this phone call.
I'll take care of everything.
Information.
What city, please?
Yes, for the city of Chicago.
Number of Mom's
Limousine Service.
Thank you.
Yes, I'd like to
speak to Mom.
Hello, yeah, yeah,
this is Mom.
Oh, uh...
Uh, hey, hello, Mom.
Yeah.
Uh, this is the Doctor.
Doctor?
Doctor Detroit.
Yeah. I-I-I'm sorry
about the static.
I-I'm... I'm on the mobile phone
in my car right now.
And, uh, I'm on my way
down l- .
Yeah, uh, yes, I came all
the way down from Detroit.
I'm not very happy about it.
Now, look, Mom, about our little
meeting tonight at midnight, I...
Um, i-it's not midnight.
It's not midnight?
No.
Uh, I know he said that, but
I can't make it at midnight!
Of course, it's short notice.
Now, you look! I mean,
uh, uh,
look here, i-i-i-it's your little pink
plump rump in the ringer, not mine,
so you make it : or not!
Bite it, buster!
Yeah, well,
you bite it yourself, Mom!
Bye.
Say, man,
how you gonna
get away with this playin'
on that uh, uh, uh, uh,
shit, huh?
Fear not, Sancho.
Say no more!
We must ask ourselves what would El
Zorro do in a situation like this.
Or The Man of La Mancha?
Strategy. Purity. Bravery.
I am many.
I am one.
Yeah, you're one crazy
individual human being, man.
Come on!
Oh, oh, lift me up!
That! I want that!
What do you want
that thing for?
Right.
This is the graveyard
we agreed upon.
Um, everybody, just, uh, stay in the car.
From inside
the jouster's tents,
the sound of the armorers
accomplishing the knights.
Busy hammers closing rivets
up, give dreadful note
of preparation.
Damn,
he won't show!
Sure he will.
I'll give that son of a bitch
just another five minutes.
And then what, Mom?
Well, I'll wait some more.
I got all night
to kill his ass!
Uh, all right, now.
Which one of you is Mom?
Punctuality is a virtue,
my good madam.
Let's chew the fat.
Just what is that
supposed to mean?
Oh, nothing personal, Love
Chunks, but can we get to it?
You know, I hate to come down
from Wayne County.
I have businesses in Lansing. I
have muffler shops, chicken chains.
I got slums
to collect the rent from.
I have
a chiropractic practice.
I make adjustments
to the human spine!
And this little trip has cut far
too much into my professional time!
I figured that since you're
hustlin' my turf, we should talk.
I run this town.
Ah, ah, lurking in the dark.
Nasty things. Come out!
Okay, fellas. Come on.
Come out.
Come on out here.
Yeah, that's right.
Out here where... where
the Doctor can see you.
Lighten up, lighten up,
come on, Skridlow.
Be cool, man. Be cool.
Don't blow it, man.
You wanna move in on me
without permission,
without consideration?
You gotta pay!
The Doctor doesn't pay.
That's it?
The Doctor doesn't pay
and he doesn't worry.
Now, Mom,
if you want trouble,
I am talking
about scorched earth,
no survival,
wholesale destruction.
Calm down. Please help me. I wanna live.
Oh, my God!
Body bags and fire.
Trouble.
Then you just
keep comin' on!
You don't know
what trouble is, jerk-off!
Mom, I am going to
rip off your head
and shit down your neck.
Kill him!
Get after him!
You go there!
Don't shoot! We were on our
way to Leon's for some ribs
and he was hitchhiking. We don't
even know this cat, man, he's crazy.
Get out of here! Go on!
Hey, guys, hey, stop!
I, uh...
Uh, I'm Clifford Skridlow!
l... I teach school!
l... I don't even know
these girls!
I met them at a restaurant! I have
nothing against you personally!
Jesus, they're serious!
They're serious!
Oh, God!
Oh, God.
Whoa!
Yeah.
Nothing can destroy
the Doctor!
Hey, come on, get him,
get him, get him.
Out of the way, knave.
The battle rages on!
Run for your lives! Run!
Mom, you'll never
catch me! Never!
Run away! Run away!
Stop him! Come on!
Oh, God, what have I done
to deserve this?
What the hell? What's this?
Hey! What the hell you doin'?
What the hell...
I've got you now,
Mom!
What the hell?
Here we go,
Love Chunks!
Oh, yes, this one's
on the Doctor.
Where we going?
Come on, this isn't funny.
I don't wanna hear you
anymore.
We can make a deal!
Let's make a deal.
Come on, now.
Mom!
Let me down!
Good night, Mom!
Oh, this man is...
Yeah, come on, Clifford.
Drive! Drive!
Nothing can stop us!
This will stop them!
Charge!
Onward to Union Station!
Arriving on Track
from St. Louis.
Well, he's got to be there,
Harmon.
He left here hours ago.
What's the matter,
dear?
Clifford's late
and Rousehorn's pissed!
You, uh, you're missed,
uh, Harmon.
I said that we miss you
very much!
Arthur, take it easy.
I'll be there.
Mister, you want a taxi?
Are you a taxi?
No, jerk-off, I'm a person, but I
do drive a taxi. It's right outside.
Can you take me
to Monroe College?
Sure thing. Hey, Dietrich,
I got a customer!
I'm coming.
Mr. Rousehorn!
Mr. Rousehorn!
Okay, let's try again now.
For the th time
you got to the train station
and...
And he wasn't there,
I looked everywhere.
Then where is he?
And where is the endowment
check for the college?
Father, I haven't the foggiest
idea. I really don't know.
Boys, you've been through this all
morning. Now, have some breakfast.
No, no, no. Not until I
know that Rousehorn is safe
and that check
is safe with him.
Margaret, I feel that
you don't understand.
We have no cash flow.
Without that check, we are over,
through, finished, forget it!
Eighty-sixed, no more,
history, color it gone!
Don't help.
Oh, don't... don't you help.
Oh, my God, now,
what is it?
Well, it's the police.
See, he's dead.
Oh, I hope they found
the check.
Oh, it's all right, darling.
Everything's going to be fine.
Come on, now.
Harmon, my heavens,
what happened?
Well, thank god
you're safe.
He said he was
on his way here.
So this is where
we brought him.
Oh, you need
some hot tea.
I kept the case.
The check is safe.
I need a shower.
Uh, I'm sorry, sir, but I've
got to have that blanket back.
That's a city blanket,
I signed for it.
Well, listen,
there's no need, uh,
to linger out here.
Uh, welcome to Monroe.
You are in the guest room.
All I know is
I need a shower.
Well, you are certainly
dressed for one.
Now, tell me all about it.
How did they get
your pants off?
One leg at a time.
Of course.
Did they molest you?
Did you struggle?
I want all the details!
Only a benevolent deity
could have prevented him
from losing that check.
Now, after dinner, he is
gonna feel so much better.
What time are the caterers
coming here?
Caterer?
The caterers
for the welcome dinner.
Here, tonight.
Rousehorn, half the faculty.
Indian food. The Khyber
Restaurant. Don't you dare tell me!
Did you neglect...
No! No, no, no! No, no!
It's totally under control, Dad. Everything
is totally and absolutely under control.
The catering, uh, the
chapatis, pappadums, raita...
Ah, ha.
Got the curry, not to worry.
Bye.
Look out, gentlemen, please.
Excuse me.
Coming through here!
Gangway!
Coming through, coming
through, please look out!
Cliff, what is it?
Catering!
Khyber Restaurant.
I forgot to do it!
I had to do it,
and I didn't do it!
I had seconds, minutes,
hours. It's not done!
Look. Just relax,
okay?
Now, what is
the problem?
I lost Rousehorn, I've got
these term papers to correct.
The college is on the verge
of bankruptcy,
my eyes can't focus,
my tongue tastes like
a skid mark,
I need some sleep.
Okay.
All right.
So you sleep, okay.
Edison survived on
two hours of sleep a night.
He took catnaps
in his lab.
Right.
All right.
Uh, catnaps, Edison,
two hours, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna sleep.
This is good. Sleep.
What do you think I should do
about these papers?
Give them all a "B."
That's all they
deserve anyway.
Hello?
Hello, Karen?
Hi, Monica, what's up?
What? He needs catering?
Arrangements?
Honey, "catering"
is my middle name.
Karen Catering Blittstein.
Sure.
I put two sisters through
gorgeous... gorgeous weddings
and I'm not talking
no cocktail franks
and miniature knishes,
neither.
Karen, shush!
Will you just
take care of it?
I'll get there
as soon as I can.
Okay, bye. I love you.
Shit.
What?
I don't have time to cook.
I'm gonna have to
improvise something.
This is
refreshing medication.
Now, then,
that Harold Robbins Chair.
It's... lt's quite
an endowment, huh?
More than a penny
and less than
the national debt.
Now, then, uh, like,
what amount are we talking?
I mean, I don't mean for you
to be specific...
I mean, just, generally,
in round numbers
what amount are we
talking about?
Just about?
For that, Arthur, you'll have
to wait until tomorrow.
I wanna treasure the look
on everyone's face
when our corporate generosity
is made public.
Absolutely.
I couldn't agree more.
Oh, help, help.
Oh, I'm buried alive.
Let me out.
Hello?
Cliff, where are you?
It's : .
What time is it?
: .It is?
Yes.
I'm coming.
I'll be right there. I'm gone.
Hurry up.
I had no idea...
Son. Uh... Uh, son, before you
change your clothes...
Skridlow.
Hello, Fulsom.
How are you?
That boy just
work, work, work.
Harmon, you don't know my son,
Clifford, do you?
He's one of the bright stars
of our English Department.
We've met.
Not on time, but we've met.
This morning, Father,
remember?
I-I'm so sorry about
last night, Harmon,
um, Mr. Rousehorn,
for missing your train...
It's in the past.
It is totally
forgotten and forgiven.
Let's just say
it's in the past.
Oh, I just know this is
gonna be a lively evening.
Oh, Clifford,
those girls are wonderful.
You certainly have
everything under control.
Girls?
I think I'll take
the red caviar
and put it in
the round plate.
You think they'll
like that, honey?
W-What's going on here?
What's this?
Do you have any idea
how college faculty members
eat on what we get paid?
A free meal is like honey
to a bear to these people.
They'll wanna eat enough
to hibernate on.
They're animals.
l... I mean, where'll we get
enough Indian food
to feed all of them?
Swami Diavolo's
finger-lickin'
Hindu fried chicken,
my friend Skridlow.
The rest, as my people say,
is up to karma.
Don't worry, Cliffie.
Jesus Christ, Karen,
you said this was curry.
This is not curry.
Thelma, it will be.
Will you calm down?
Cliff, go upstairs
and shower and change
and put something on
that's nice.
Look a little GQ,
would you?
Monica, go outside and schmooze
with the people. Right, sarge.
Okay. Thelma, come here.
I'm gonna show you.
Take the o-olive
and the pimento,
make happy faces, okay?
I like that.
Good. Okay, here we go.
Of course, that was in the
Herbert Hoover Administration
which in some ways is similar
to what we have today.
Oh, Margaret, I fail to see
any similarity at all.
She's just kidding, Henry.
She's a real kidder.
And I was reduced
to my underwear.
It's been downhill
ever since.
Oh, my goodness.
You know, you look
very tired, Mr. Rousehorn.
You know, wealth and power
have a way of robbing
a man of his energies,
don't they?
That's very perceptive
of you, Monica.
Very perceptive.
I hear we're having
Indian food.
I certainly hope so.
Chapatis, huh?
Well, l... I guess they've got
a few of those laid in.
Hello. Won't you
excuse us, please.
You happy, gorgeous flower?
We're having
a nice affair here.
Hi, how are you?
Nice to see you.
It's fine, but I'm... I'm
worried about the meal.
Wait till you see
the entertainment.
What?
Jasmine, enter.
Cheers!
Hi, Cliff.
Oh, my!
Oh.
Uh, she's... she's... she's...
She's terrific. Come on.
Oh, you're ready.
I'm ready.
Okay, you set?
Set.
All right. Fire!
Be careful now. Hold on.
There's a fire! Fire!
Don't panic!
What are you doing?
Stop it.
Clifford,
what are you doing, man?
Stop it, please. Cliff.
Leave the arrangements
to me, would you?
This shit is so unique,
they're gonna love it.
They're gonna love this shit.
I panicked, I'm sorry.
I panicked.
It's okay, it's okay. Just
none of us eat it, all right.
Your dinner is now served.
Come on, everybody.
Hmm. Not bad.
Beats fruit cup.
Isn't it marvelous having
so many educated talents
all in one place?
Is she Indian?
I think so.
Mahatma Gandhi
never had it so good.
Truly. Of course,
he wasn't that
big an eater anyway.
That's funny.
Oh, sahib,
follow me, brother.
This is great.
This is tremendous.
They're buying it.
You pulled it off.
I can't thank you enough.
Hey, no problem, Skridlow.
Thank me in the car, okay?
What do you mean
in the car?
We have to go in to town.
What? Not me.
I'm not going anywhere.
I haven't slept
in days, Diavolo.
Listen, Cliff, we don't have
much time, okay.
The word is on the street.
You have to
make an appearance,
because the Doctor goes public
in about one hour.
Are you crazy?
No, man, you're crazy.
You invented the dude,
not me.
So, I guess I'll catch you
in the car, brother.
Oh, come on,
everyone's talking about
how you stopped Mom.
Doctor Detroit has to be
on the scene, right?
He has to.
That's the end of it.
Uh, say, man,
put this shit on.
Props are in the bag.
Oh, terrific. Bag.
I must say, though, ladies,
you have given me
the most extraordinary week
of my life.
Oh, sweet.
Really.
Oh, man, you know,
you're gonna do good out here
in this city with
that wig and metal hand.
Lime-green pants.
Duty.
Honor.
And responsibility.
Hey, be the Doctor,
baby.
Doctor, my man,
give me five, man.
I'll give you $ and then
you can keep the change.
See you at the Players Ball,
my man, huh?
All right. All right.
That was great.
What's the Players Ball?
Nothing, nothing.
Be cool, be cool.
I heard you wiped Mom out.
How did you do it?
You might say I
rearranged her front end.
You know, you'll be king
of the Players Ball?
Ain't no doubt about it.
You're beautiful. Terrific.
All right. What is
the Players Ball
they keep talkin' about?
It's tomorrow night, honey.
That's okay, I'll protect you.
Tomorrow night?
I have a prior engagement.
I can't go. I can't go.
Oh, no. Where is it?
Somebody picks the place
and we all show up there.
It's a subcultural event,
sweetheart.
It's our responsibility
to be there.
Oh, I can't be there.
I can't.
Yes, you can.
Grab him.
What is...
Dinner.
Come on, wake him up.
Give him air.
Tomorrow... Tomorrow night
is... is the college
alumni dinner.
Where?
At the Excelsior Hotel,
I have to be there.
I don't know where or what
your Players Ball is,
but I simply cannot be
in two places at once.
Yes, you can. Yes, you can.
We'll take care of everything.
Now, how are we
gonna do that?
Shh.
Loosen his belt.
Karen, get your mind
out of the gutter.
Oh, Jesus Christ, do you think
this is gonna work?
Sure, it'll work. Sure.
This is Ed here.
Your dime, go ahead.Yo, Eddie.
Yeah.
What's happenin'?
This is Diavolo.
Oh, go ahead, Diavolo.
Listen, Eddie, if the Doctor
is king, he chooses the place
where he wants
to be crowned.
Well, it's gonna go down?
This is it, right?Uh-huh.
Don't jive me man?
I'll tell you what
it's going to be.
Uh, the Excelsior Hotel.
Excelsior Hotel.
That's downtown.
Is that right?
You're familiar
with the area.
Well, I'll ask around, man.
Yeah.
Later on.
The Doctor will be there.Better be.
Later.
All right.
The Doctor's "A" Team.
First class.
Top of the line.
Come on, let's get ready.
I feel like bustin' loosebustin' looseGet, get, get, get,
get, get, get on down
Oh, it looks like
a fun crowd this year.
You scratched my car,
motherfucker.
Insurance, my ass!
Get, get, get, get,
get, get, get on down
What the hell is going on?
Mother?
Oh, there's Swami Diavolo!
The caterer.
Mother, that's not him,
that's someone else entirely.
I have never before...
They never have a mob here.
Really?
Well, when you got
a woman mayor, you...
Doctor, ooh-ooh,
Doctor Detroit.
Doctor, ooh-ooh,
Doctor Detroit.
Doctor, ooh-ooh,
Doctor Detroit.
Doctor...
What's going on in here?
...Detroit.
Doctor, ooh-ooh...
Uh, not-nothing for us,
Mother.
Doctor, ooh-ooh...
What on earth is this?
What's going on?
Doctor Detroit.
Pardon me.
Uh, uh, excuse me.
Skridlow! Hey, man, I gotta
talk to you. We gotta...
Excuse me. Clifford, I see
that your friend is here.
Does that mean you'll
be leaving us again?
No, absolutely not.
My duty is to my home,
my family,
the college, my job,
and to you, sir.
He is upsetting
the guests.
Will you get him
out of here?
Oh! Sue and Lloyd Miller.
Can you believe this noise?
You can't even think.
You have to
get out of here.
You're going to
ruin everything.
I have to talk to you.
Hey, man, watch out, man.
You been drinkin'?
Do you hear those people
over there?
They wanna see the Doctor.
I can't do it.
I can't leave.
I've got to
introduce Rousehorn.
He's going to give
money to the college.
You've got to, man.
There are four beautiful women
depending on you.
The Doctor has
got to be there.
Look, there is no Doctor.
There is if you
believe in him, brother.
All right, quick,
before I change my mind.
Straight through
the kitchen door.
But hurry it up, man.
Cliff, put the hair on.
To the right.
If my parents ever see me,
they'll disown me.
Check out the lining
in this jacket.
You can wear it
inside out.
Do the pants match?
No, they won't work.
The lining's purple.
Looks just fine.
Come on, move it.
Move it, man. Come on.
This is so insane.
I don't know how you
made me do this.
Those underwear
look nice, man.
How about these
tuxedo pants?
They were
Grandpa Skridlow's.
He had sensitive legs. He had to
have satin near his skin at all times.
Yeah, let's move, move.
The glasses? The glasses?
You got 'em. Right here.
Hey, you boys,
get out of the kitchen!
Doctor Detroit!
Doctor, ooh-ooh,
Doctor Detroit!
Doctor, ooh-ooh...
Say, J.B.,
the Doctor has arrived.
Doctor Detroit.
Ladies and gentlemen,
players and ladies,high-lifes and low-lifes,all you trash-with-cash,allow me to announce
the Doctor is in.Get up offa that thingDance till you feel betterGet up offa that thingTry and release
that pressureGet up offa that thingDance till you feel betterSay itGet up offa that thingTry and release
that pressureGet up offa that thingDance till you feel betterGet up offa that thingTry and release
that pressureGet up offa that thingDance till you feel betterGet up offa that thingTry and release
that pressureDoctorDetroitDoctorDetroitDoctorDetroitHit meWhoo-hoo!
Hit it nowMove it to
the DoctorDetroitDoctor Detroit!DoctorDetroitGet up offa that thingDance till you feel betterGet up offa that thingGet up offa that thingDance till you
feel betterGet up offa that thingTry and release
that pressureDetroitDoctor DetroitDoctor DetroitCome on now!Doctor DetroitThank you. Thank you.I'm... I'm... I'm
so, so very touchedand pleased to be
honored in this way.But, unfortunately,
I have businessin... in another part
of the hotel,a prior commitment, actually
a small chiropractic serviceI was supposed to perform.But, if anybody is
akin here tonightit is this man,Mr. "Try Me."
Mr. "Please, Please, Please."Mr. "This is a Man's World."I give you the hardest-working
man in show business,ladies and gentlemen,
James Brown.Thank you. Thank you.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Thank you. Excuse me.
Doctor, ooh-ooh,
Doctor Detroit.
Excuse me.
Hi, Mom.
I just saw someone we know.
Boys.
How are the hors d'oeuvres?
I'm so glad
you could join us, Cliff.
Thanks, I'm so glad
I could make it.
Hey, fruit cup.
I'll have one.
Thank you.
No, I mean you,
fruit cup.
Mom wants to
see you right now.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen?
Please, your attention.
Your attention, please.
Faculty and alumni of
Monroe College, and guests.
Tonight is a very
special night for the college.
He's introducing him
before the entrée.
And, uh, to explain why,I'll introduce our
distinguished guest of honor,himself an alumnus of Monroe,a philanthropist,
Doctor of Humane Lettersand Chief Executive Officer
and Chairman ofRousehorn Consolidated
Industries,Mr. Harmon Rousehorn.
You introduced him
before the entrée.
Excuse me.
And, dear friends,
our college...
Look out, watch it.
Yeah
Hey, Doctor,
what's happening, baby?
What's movin' out there?
I'm proud of you.
It's imperative that we leave
these premises immediately.
Why? The party's
just getting started.
Say, man,
what's the matter?
Why do we have to leave?
Oh, mom?
That's why.
Well, who do you think?
No one starts
this party without me.
Get the son of a bitch.
Hey, what's going on?
Look out! Doctor on call.
Emergency house call.
Emergency!
Doctor on call!
Look out!
Out of the way! Move!
I'm gonna
kick your ass!
I warn you,
I'm a chiropractor.
I will use
my skills negatively.
There are radioactive
isotopes in this bag.
Stay away!
You're dead!
You're mine, Detroit.
You're mine.
En garde, madame!
I have you now at
a supreme disadvantage.
Like hell, you have.
You're crazy.
Are you nuts?
And now, in closing,
I'd like to present to youon behalf of Rousehorn
Consolidated Industries,this meager endowment.
I'm so nervous.
Clifford should be here.
Well, this is a, uh,this is a great,
great day for...
I defy you, woman.
Excuse me. Excuse me,
this is a private party.
Who... Who are these people?
$ on the Doctor, huh?
Excuse me, excuse me,
this is a private...
It's Clifford.
Oh, my God. No.
Yes, Mother. It's me.
Okay, finish me.
I'm not afraid to die.
Go ahead.
And I am fortunate in battle
and merciful in victory.
Madam,
I'll let the room decide.
My good people,
what'll it be?
No.
So be it.
You're finished
in this town, Mom.
Through, banished,
exiled in your community.
Ladies and gentlemen, the
Doctor is a compassionate man!
Throw this trash bag out,
and never let her
darken Cook County again.
Shut up.
My arm! My arm!
I'll be back.
My good people, l... I pray,
a moment of your
attention here, please.
$ million.
And I thought
you were cheap.
I didn't mean cheap.
Clifford, you've made us
so proud.
l... I thank you, sir,
and... and the college
thanks you,
and my parents thank you.
And the Doctor thanks you.
But the Doctor is no more.
He existed only to
banish an evil presence.
Let it be known to all here
that the damsels
whom Mom would've
held captive are free.
My ladies, Karen,
Thelma, Monica, Jasmine,
you are beholden to none.
Diavolo, my trusted comrade,
perhaps we may ride again.
For whenever
intimidation and injustice
vie with decency and honor,
let the Doctors arise,
and arise they must.
For within every one of us
there is a Doctor.
A dormant Doctor,
a supreme arbitrator
who can be summoned to
intervene when crises threaten
the stabilities and well-being
of our heartlands.
Now, let's party.
I have endowed a madman.
Why couldn't...
Why couldn't I
have gone to Yale?
Or Syracuse even?
Why don't you
tell me about it?
What's wrong, huh?
There's gonna be
a big affair tonightWe made it through
and everything's all rightWhen times are rough
and everyone feels downDon't you give up,
just turn the thing aroundHeyJust sit back
and set your mind at easeCall your friends and grab
your own mates pleaseGet it on
and have a partytonightYeahGet it on and have a partytonightDon't lose your head
when everyone's uptightIf you stay cool,
you'll always win the fightJust when you think there's
nothin' left to do, noYou'll find a cure
right there inside of youTonight's the night
for us to twist and shoutLet down your hair
and let it all hang outGet it on and have a partyHeyTonightYeahGet it on and have a partytonightGet on and partyYeahGet it onHave a party tonightYeahOh, yeahGet it on tonightYeahGet it onHave a party tonightTonight's the night for us
to twist and shoutLet down your hair
and let it all hang outHey, yeahTonightGet it on and have a partyTonight