Doctor Detroit Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Doctor Detroit script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring PHoward Hesseman and Dan Aykroyd.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Doctor Detroit. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Doctor Detroit Script



Don't you stop



Don't you wonder why



life itself pops in



and takes you by surprise



Don't you try to run



It gets you from behind



Like a common cold



it takes you for a ride



Don't you stop to think



Don't you even try



Call me doctor



Five eight-minute miles,



less corrections

for construction zone



plus traffic

and liquids...



Adjusted ETA downtown



is now three minutes

plus    coming down.



Call me doctor






Don't you stop



Don't you wonder why



life itself pops in



and takes you by surprise



Don't you try to run



Hey, hey, look.



He's some kind of nut.

Look at him.



Loves his exercise.






Hey, man. Nice legs.



Fuck you!



Now is the time

to call me doctor



This is a serious case



There's not much time,

now call me doctor



They love to

watch him operate



Ow, sweet thing!

How you doing, baby?



Good morning,

baby, how are you?



Good morning,

Miss Blittstein.



Fix your shirt.

You're so sloppy.



Come on, girls.

Let's go to work.



It comes and goes

so call me doctor



They need

a special technique



It grows and grows,

now call me doctor



Calling Doctor,

Doctor Detroit



Hey, Boss,

check out the geek!



Yeah, I want you

to see this guy.



Slow down, Diavolo.



It's the same guy.

He's cute.



He's got nice legs

for a geek.



You're right.



Forget it, we're late.

Let's go, Diavolo.






Well, anchors away,




Don't forget to

take the Dramamine.



Oh, come on, Jasmine, baby.



What can he do

that I can't do?



Never mind.



Good afternoon, ma'am.



Hi, Stretch. Are you getting

taller or did I break a heel?



Not to mention



checks aren't supposed to

bounce, are they?



Here comes young Skridlow.



Good afternoon, Skridlow.

Right on time.



Finish classes. Six miles into

town to the Faculty Club as usual



and now

I'm indulging myself.



Dinner out and a movie.






Look, I paid $   for this tie



and I think

it looks great, okay?



I would have

bought the other one.



I didn't hire you to be a fashion

consultant, I hired you to drive.



So, please, just drive. Hmm?



Well, one day I'm gonna have

my own driver



because I'm gonna be an actor.



Look, Diavolo, just cut the

Sidney Poitier impressions, okay?



They'll call me Mr. Diavolo!






Hey, wait a second, man.



What the fuck's

going on here?



Who is it?



It says "Mom's."

That's one of Mom's cars.



Hey, man, where the fuck

you get your driver's license?



Hey, Smooth!



Yeah, here's

the Yul Brynner clones.



Hey, Smooth Walker!






Yeah, you,

you son of a bitch!



Mom wants to see you!



Silly me, I thought we were in

the middle of a motorcade here.



Aren't you boys on your way

to the Cue-ball Convention?



Yeah, you...



Hey, man.

Watch it, asshole.



Just be cool

and drive, okay?



Keep your eyes

on the road.



Say, I just had this

motherfucker washed and waxed?



Be cool.



Say, Boss, you want me

to lose these assholes?



Come on, get out.



Let's go, Kingfish.

Mom's waiting.



Take it easy on the suit. You

want the Asshole of the Year Award?



You got my vote, okay?

Take it easy, Johnny.



Okay, guys, listen,

I can walk by myself, okay?



What are you guys,

training wheels?



Hi, Mom. Pleasure

to see you, as always.



You owe me $     .



Uh, $     .

I'm a couple of months behind.



$     .



$      extra is

a late-payments penalty.



There are lots of

other penalties, you know?



Look, Mom, I'm doing my best.

I mean, I got overhead...



Shut up!



The only reason you're

walking around with both knees



is 'cause

you got a class act.



I'll tell you

what we're gonna do.



You give me your money,

the girls,



everything else you've got.

We'll call it even.



What about me?



I'll let you live.






Mom, I mean, you know how

things work in this town.



If it was up to me alone,

I'd be thrilled



to settle this thing

with you,



but, well,

l... I got a new partner.



Another partner?



This guy,

this dude from Detroit.



Uh, he just moved in on me.



Detroit? Are you kidding?

I know people in Detroit.



Not this guy.



I mean, he's too big.

He's too bad.



He's as bad as you are.

Maybe even badder.



I'm scared, Mom,



and that's why l... I go

along with the Doctor.



The Doctor?



Yeah, Doctor.







I don't know if

he's really from Detroit,



maybe that's just

a handle he uses.



You mean you let this

jerk-off muscle in on Mom?



Just let him in without...

Just let him in?



I'm scared, Mom.



He's a scary guy.



I gotta meet this Doctor.



I'll... I'll see if I can

arrange a meeting,



but do me a favor, Mom.



Just leave me out of it.

I've suffered enough.



Okay, boys, turn him loose.



If he gets out of line,

you can have him for lunch.



Get the fuck

out of here!






Where to, Boss?



Australia, South Pole,

China, okay?



I gotta stop and get gas,

you know that.



Just drive, okay. Please?



Hey, man,

I hate to say this again



but you got your little fuzzy

white ass in a crack.



And you know there

isn't any Doctor Detroit.



You just pissed

away the money.



Please, I know what I did.



I am trying to

figure a way out!



Yeah, okay, okay, well,

you just remember that you



didn't spend any

of that money on me.



It doesn't matter, bro.

You are in this with me.



I'm not going down alone.



Wait a second, man,

what are you talking about?



It's not my fault that you spent all

that money on those clothes, shoes,



this big gas-guzzling tank,

and that penthouse of yours.



Diavolo, I didn't say it was your

fault, I said it was your problem.



Now we have to find

ourselves a patsy, okay?



Well, what kind of

patsy you talking about?



I don't know.



Somebody who could be

Doctor Detroit,



whatever the hell that is.



A yo-yo.



Where are you gonna

find a geek like that?



Yep, yep, how was it?






"Mulligatawny soup,



lamb vindaloo,

alu parathas, saag"...



All on the special.




Excuse me, please.



Pardon me, sir.






Mr. Skridlow, welcome.







Please, this way.



Mr. Skridlow,



the lamb vindaloo is

very, very good this evening.



That's just what

I was thinking.



What a coincidence.



I will bring

the waiter over right away.



Thank you.



Thank you.



So he wears

this little sailor suit



and I do my best

"Flower of the Orient" number.



Like it's      and we're

in Long Bar in Shanghai.



That sounds like fun.



Till we play

"find the gunboat."






Isn't that the funny-looking

guy with the great legs?



Ooh, yeah.



Great legs, nice tushie,

I think he's cute.



Hi, honey.



Ah, he didn't hear me.



Hiya, girls.

I'm sorry I'm late.



Hey, you made it.



Just barely.



Ah, Bourbon, no ice, double.



What's the matter, Smoothie,

you had a rough day, honey?



Been talking business

all day long.



Just money, money.

Blah, blah...






And, everything is fine.



Girls, girls, look,



it takes a lot of

time and energy



just to cover our investments

every day, okay?



I don't wanna talk

about it during dinner.










Hey, Smooth.

Look, your old friend.



Son of a bitch.



Here we are, sir.



Yeah, listen.

You see the guy over here?



The four-eyed gentleman with

his nose buried in the book?






The guy with

the seat-cover sport jacket.



Yes, sir.



I wanna buy him a drink.



Yes, sir.



No, uh, I wanna

buy him dinner.



Very good, sir.



Chop, chop.



Mmm, generous!



Excuse me, sir,

but the gentleman



at the table opposite you

with the young ladies



would like you to

join him for dinner.



Really? I can't believe it.



Sell it, girls.



I wonder what

the man could want.



Homosexual come-on, maybe.



No, he couldn't be gay,



not with all those

beautiful women.



And even if he is,

maybe they're not.



What harm in accepting

the man's hospitality?



But, no free lunch

in this world, say I.



I can thank him though.






Yes, I'll thank him.




the decent thing to do.



Uh, this is

most unexpected.



Do I know you?



Perhaps you were in my

Comp-Lit     class at Monroe?



I don't believe so.



Excuse me, I'm Jasmine...



And I'm totally




Allow me to

introduce everyone.



This is Karen,

and I'm Smooth Walker.



This is Monica,




Jasmine, of course,

and this is Thelma.



You are...



Uh, Clifford Skridlow.



My friends call me Cliff.



Clifford, oh, how cute.



Well, join us, Cliff.



Uh, well,

I-I've... I've already ordered...



Why don't I have Mr. Skridlow's

dinner brought to this table?



Why don't you?




Here comes

that chair, Cliff.



Just slip right in.



We'll have another fresh

drink for our new friend Cliff.



How very gracious

of you.



Can you tell us

anything at all about this



tandoori thing?



Oh, you've ordered

the tandoori?



Well, uh,

you're going to enjoy it.



It's... lt's really

a marvelous technique.



It's a miniature clay oven,

completely enclosed, a marinade,



and the heat of the oven

and the enclosure on top



that keeps the juices in,



uh, and, uh, thus causes



the, uh, meat

to come out pink.



Ooh, I love it.



Thank you

for coming.



Thank you,

my good man.



I got it, honey.



Come on.

Come on.



Fresh air gives one a

decided lift, doesn't it?



Well, I'm off to the Cinema

Obscura. It's the last night



of the Satyajit Ray Pather Panchali

trilogy. I'd like to catch it.



Don't worry about it.



I got the whole thing

on videocassette.



Pather Panchali,

the whole trilogy,



Deep Throat,

E. T., you name it.




Thank you, Diavolo, the door.



Wait, Boss,

this is the geek...



Yes, this is

Professor Clifford Skridlow.



He's an expert

on chivalry, honor,




Indian cuisine...



Don't forget power walking,

systems analysis, rock climbing...



And what about

erotic adventure?



I never said that.



So, think about it.



Shall we be going then?



Come on.



Come on.

We'll have a wonderful time...






And you look like you could

use a little company, right?



Yeah. Get in.



Would you get

your ass in the car?



She's a very kinky girl



The kind you don't take home

to mother



She will never let

your spirits down



Once you get her

off the street



She likes the boys

in the band



She says that

I'm her all-time favorite



Catchy tune.




Do you dance?



Not much.



Oh, go on,

you got that rhythm. Go on.



Show them

what you're made of.



Come on,

I know you wanna do it.



It'll be so much fun. You look

so handsome in this jacket.



Well, I might as

well work off supper.



There you go.




hop to, coming through.



Oh, that's cute.



Hey, Smooth,



what are we being so

nice to this guy for?



Well, I'm, uh, thinking about

taking in a new partner.



Let's go mix it up.



She's a super freak



Super freak



She's super-freaky



Like Lord Wittgenstein

and monks



drinking wine and

the flagons were full.



Watch the water.



Beautiful, wait!

Traffic, stop, stop.



Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.



I'm gonna fire up

a fun log. Mmm?






It really doesn't do anything

to me, and I've tried.



Oh, yeah! You're just

Mr. Natural, aren't you?



Let's get

high on life?



The body is a temple, huh?



Well, you could say

that actually, sure.



She just did.

Go on, try some.



That's not

gonna do it.



Love, love



Love, love



All the way

to the right?



Oh, boy!






Thank you.



Get in there, file in. Wait

till you see this next place.



Come on.

Come to Mama.



Okay, here we go.

Wake up, Diavolo.



Drive, my man.



Let's go, go, go!



What a great car.



Forward, Diavolo, forward.



He was a real nut.

I read that.



I know.



He was mad.




Come on,

don't make him blush.



It'll make you

feel so good.






Hold it. Hold it.



Hold him



We're on a roll here.



Watch it, watch it.



Hold him



Show him



Show him that it's real



Show him

that it feels good



I can feel

my hair growing.



Hey, baby,

it's good dope.



No, it's not the dope.



It doesn't affect me.

Explain that.



Drink up, Cliff.



A new way of

looking at things, huh?



I guess so.



You're a marvelous...

You're a marvelous group.



Are we?



Very perceptive.



Thank you.



Welcome home.



Wow, look at this place!



It's positively vulgar!



You must be so

incredibly rich!



Look, your art collection,

it's on the...



Oh, I... You purposely...

Because... Chicago!



Your kind of town.






Where am I?



You're right here.



Where's here?



Well, here is

where it's at.



Now, come on,

don't give me any of that



freshman philosophy crap.



I'm talking

existential being.



Well, of course you are,




You're very pretty,

like a bright little bug.



A dragon!



Say, Boss, check it out.



You got my man

over here tripping.



Dude is tripping.

What'd you give...



Stay down at the front,

with the car.



Say what?



I thought you said I could take

the rest of the night off, man.



Sure, but in the car.






Look, what utterly

tasteless furnishings.






So, you're in

the entertainment business.



Well, you could call us

public servants.



Don't we look it?



You know, I think

Cliffie is a little tense.



Uh, perhaps a hot bath?



Oh, yeah.



No, no, I don't think

it's tension,



l... I think it's more fatigue.



l... I really should be going.

It's... lt's far past my usual






And let's just

say I'm... I'm not tense.



Yes, you are. I can feel

it, Cliff, right up in there.



My lattisimus dorsi,

you're so right.



It's only natural

on a night



that could

change your life.



Ah, nothing's gonna

change my life.



My life is set.

What could possibly happen?



How'd you like to

come into this business?



The entertainment business?






All I wanna do is

share my good fortune,



my... my involvement

with other people,



my world.



Oh, I...



I don't know.



See, I have a business,



I teach comparative literature

at Monroe College.



I'm a full

assistant professor now.



My father is

chancellor of the college.



l... l... I'm committed.



Think about it, Cliffie.

Just think about it.



Your own business.



Your piece of

the American dream.



A nice company pad,



the best employee roster

this side of heaven.



Thelma, Karen,

Monica, Jasmine.



Now, that's




And they'd all be

working for you.



All for you.



It's all very sudden...



I have responsibilities...

l... l... I...









Think about it.









Oh, yeah!









ETA to splashdown:

Two seconds!



You dark,

burnished thing, you!



Oh, you beauties!



Ooh! Your legs are so

muscular for a teacher.



Do you exercise?



Yeah, as a teacher,

I stand a lot.



Listen, sweetheart,

do you think we can use




devices under water?



Yes! Use them.



I'm gonna show

you how to play



"find the gunboat."



This is the best time

I've ever had



in my entire life!



Do you hear me, world?



My entire life!



You gonna make it, man?



Yeah, yeah, thank you,

I think so.



Thank you, thank you.



Take care, my brother.



Hello, Son.



Hello, Father.



That's a late night.



I guess, a little.



Good morning, Clifford.



Breakfast anyone?



No, none for me.



Oh, of course not.



You're probably gonna

starve yourself to death.



What makes you think

that I'd take my own life?



Oh, I was speaking

figuratively, dear.



But these

financial statements...



Clifford, cash

your paycheck quickly.



Margaret! Mar... Mar...

Would you please excuse me?



That is private business

between the trustees and me.



Forget it,

everything's peachy...



Harmon Rousehorn,

I'm gonna call him



and tell him to

cancel his visit.



We don't need

his endowment check.



Don't you dare.



My God!



Oh! Honestly, some people

just can't take a joke.



I'm gonna water

my begonias.



Well, I would prefer

for you to hear it from me.



But without the

Rousehorn endowment check



this college can't even meet

its current payroll.



But we are getting the check.



I mean, Rousehorn's coming in

to present it himself.



It's a major endowment.

It's in the press.



Look, son, without

that check, Monday next



the banks are gonna

close this college down.



Close it down.



One hundred years

of scholarship



and public service

shot to shit.



I've gotta go up

and get some winks



before my   :   lecture.



You've got a  :  .



Is today Wednesday?



Yes, Wednesday.



I thought it was Thursday.



Excuse me, please.

Thank you.






Ah-ah-ah. Places, please.



Let's begin. Sorry I'm late.



We were discussing

the hero's role in chivalry



as exemplified by

the character of Lancelot,



based on Thomas Malory's

Le Morte d'Arthur.



Entranced by

Arthur's Queen Guinevere,




a knight of impeccable virtue,



faces a crisis



as his idée fixe

confronts his libido.



Any comments?



Mr. Frankman,



what do you think

of Lancelot's crisis?



Well, I think

Lancelot was an idiot.



Mr. Frankman,

how long have you been



in the first-year program?



Four years.



Uh, duty, selfless honor,

chastity, humility,



uh, purity,

a devotion to a greater good.



I mean, by now,

don't any of these things



mean anything to you?



All together now:



What is the chivalric ideal?



The chivalric ideal is one

of duty to a higher cause



in which purity and

chastity are virtues



and manly strength and honor



are devoted

to their preservation.



And justice for all.



Just let it out! They'll

get to your real feelings.



How does it feel?



Hey, man, I feel lousy...




I feel shitty...




I feel pissed off...



Violent, hostile?

Yeah, a little.



Great! Hit me.



Hey, man, I can't do that.



Look, you can.

You want to.



You... You... You have to.

I need it.



Hey, man.

What's wrong with you?



You getting a little kinky?



'Cause if you are,

it's gonna cost you extra.



I learned that

from the girls.



They learned that from me



and that has

nothing to do with this!



Now, look, Diavolo, for once,

do what I tell you to do



and try to do it right!



Now, hit me!



Say, man, what's wrong

with you? You going crazy?



I can't hit you.

You want me to call a doctor?



I ain't hitting you, man.



Okay. I'll make it

real easy for you.



I got everything,

you got nothing, right?



I'm the boss,

you ain't jack shit!



I am white. I don't even

know what you are!



Say, man, I'm black!



All right,

then try to remember



that my grandfather

owned your grandfather!



Your mama!



That's good, Diavolo.

That's good!



Oh, my back!

Oh, your ass!



Take it easy.

Take it easy.



Not the teeth.



You don't tell me

what to do.



You want me

to kick your ass?



Then I'm gonna kick your

white motherfucking ass!



Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you!






Oh, nice.



Black eye, lacerations,

multiple contusions...



Hey, what'd you do,

try to roll a sailor?



Doctor Detroit.



He's bad, Mom. Really bad.



Mom, I gotta get out of town.



Now, your heavies

can settle this shit.



Just leave old

Smooth out of it.



You mean that's it?



Couple of broken ribs,

you're ready to cave in?



Gee. With a partner like you,

who needs enemies?



Adi... Adios, Mom.



Believe me,



you deserve to get

every bit of your cash back.



It's just that

I don't have it.



See Doctor Detroit, he's...



he's your man.

Oh, my God.



Give me that shit.



Are you kidding?



He's for real.



I gotta find out

more about this Doctor.



Hey, what's that black chick

who works for Smooth?



Um, Thelma.



Get her busted.



I wanna see just

how good this Doctor



takes care of his people.



She's busted.

Let's do it.



Look out, asshole.



Thank you, man,

thank you.



Oh, yes.



Okay, Mr. Finkelman.



Uh, we have you

one-way first class,



Air Togo to the Cook Islands,



then local service

to Rarotonga.



Are you sure you

want this just one-way?



Right, sweetheart,

one-way, no return.



In the financial briefing,

you'll see



that each person

has their own report



as well as what is theirs...



Now, Arthur, if we just...



Now, may I have

your attention, please,



to ltem   on the agenda

which is the alumni dinner?



As customary, we will be

at the Excelsior Hotel



in the Orchid Room.



Cliff will introduce

Harmon Rousehorn.






Cliff, may we have

your attention, please?



Oh, ahem...



I'm sorry, uh, go ahead, sir.



Uh, the president emeritus



will present

the honorary degree.



Uh, Mr. Rousehorn

will make a few brief remarks



and then present the college

with the endowment check



for the Harold Robbins Chair.



Are there any questions?



Will there be a fruit cup?




Will there be

a choice of vegetables?






Last year there

wasn't any fruit cup



and the shrimp were off.



This year there

will be a fruit cup.



Uh, this is

Chancellor Skridlow.



Hello? Criff? Criff?



Uh, Cliff,

I believe this is for you.



Would you please

make it snappy, son?



Uh, this is Criff,

uh, Cliff.



Cliff, good morning.



I'm still tingling

from last night.



Oh, but something

terrible has happened.



You have to help me.



Um, uh um, M-M-Miss Wu,

I'm... I'm... I'm in a meeting,



uh, per... perhaps we can

discuss this in... in class.






Class, my ass. Give me that.



Excuse me, please.






Uh, what is it?



Thelma's in jail

and Smooth's gone



so you gotta help us...



Give me that phone.



Hi, Cliff, it's me, Karen.



First things first,

You're gonna have to



get over here

as fast as you can



and help us out.

This is an emergency...



I've no time. Thanks.



I'm so sorry.



Where were we?



Uh, now obviously

there is no need



to stress

the importance



of the Rousehorn endowment...






Hey, Cliff,

what's the big idea, anyway?



You know, after last night,

a person would think, well...



What, were you using us?



Uh, uh, listen, I'm in a very

important meeting right now



with the faculty of my college



including, uh, my father,

the Chancellor...






He's talking about his father. Shut up.



This is Monica, birthmark...



Oh. Excuse me.



Okay, now listen, I sent

Diavolo with the car...



Uh, yo,

is Cliff Skridlow here?



Cliff, what's happening?



Hey, man,

I'm double-parked outside.



Well, you'll just

have to wait.



What the hell is

going on here, anyway?



Uh, he just

got here.



Uh, I'm so... I'm so sorry

about these interruptions.



Are we still in session

or is this a coffee break?



No, we are still in

session. We gotta go, bro.



I'm coming.

l... I'm coming.



I'll be there,

don't worry about a thing.



I'm... I'm on my way.



Vietnamese girl.

Distraught, distressed...



Uh, urgent, needs

immediate faculty counseling.



Uh, I'll be back.



"   ."



"Robert. E.

Lee Davis-Jackson."



I don't wanna hear

any more about it!



Every time I turn around,

you're up here



in front of me

on a traffic violation!



And if it

happens one more time,



you're gonna be spending your

declining years in the slammer!



Now, get out of here!

Next case.



A southern tyrant.



Uh, pardon me,

are you looking for a lawyer?



Uh, no.



Well, uh, would you like to

discuss it over a drink?



I know a wonderful cozy

little bar across the street.



No, thank you, I have

business with the court.



Thanks anyway.




Well, excuse me.



Sir, I have a business

proposition for you.






Would you be willing

to, uh, part with certain



elements of your

unique wardrobe



for a cash retainer?



Does that mean

sell my clothes?






lf, uh, look, i-if there were

thoughts in that direction,



I mean, what sort of offer

are we kind of talking about?



Well, I wouldn't

want to insult you...



You can't insult me.

You see, I'm a lawyer.



Talk best price.



I have repeatedly

warned counsel



not to provoke

the court with all this...



Is this

Department    and one?



Step aside, lackey,

or you'll be eating my boot!



What is going on?



Exactly, your honor,

what is going on?



When a flower of the South,



a decent girl with

a beautiful good family



is arrested



on her way home from

her niece's confirmation



and booked and incarcerated



like a common

woman of the streets.



I'm talking

about Thelma Cleland!



Of the Cleland

Parish Clelands



of Bay St. Luc, Louisiana.

Excuse me!



Where our father

Colonel Judge Bryant Cleland



presides over

the Cleland County



Fifth Circuit bench.



I demand that you release

this girl right now



or you'll all taste the

business end of a buggy whip!




Yes, sir.



get your ass

over here!



You got a case number?



Yes, I do.



Two, zero, five, six, nine,



"A," Alpha. "R," Ranger.



I'll get it!



Now, just exactly



what is your relationship

to the arrestee?



Uh, well, sir,

the young woman is my sister!



I know you can believe

that the family honor



is at stake here.



You strike me

as a gentleman, sir.



Surely you must understand.



Why, of course, I understand.



My people were

related to Jefferson Davis,



on my mother's side.



I knew it!



I knew it, indeed, I knew it!

A son of the South.



Son of what?



O-Of the South, sir.

The confederacy!



Uh, your honor.




Loitering with intent

to commit prostitution,



lewd behavior, soliciting

for an unlawful act.



Bail at $    your honor.



I can't believe my ears!

This is an outrage!



Let me see that thing!



This is outrageous,

ridiculous! Let me see that.




I demand satisfaction!



Get the arresting

officer in here!



I will tar and

feather the scalawag!



Now hold on, Mr. Cleland!

Hold on!



I can release your sister

on her own recognizance



and dismiss this case

in the interests of justice.



Well, thank you. It would

serve my family well.




we'd be very grateful.



Do you like shrimp?

Indeed, I do.



You can come down

to Bay St. Luc,



we'll cook you up

a whole mess of shrimp.



We got some

shrimp in that family.



How about Tampa?









Come on, honey,

we are going home.



And not a moment

too soon.



Case dismissed.



I can't tell you the

indignities I suffered here.



Thank you,

my father thanks you.



You're entirely welcome.



That girl is colored!



Nobody colored me,

I was born this way!



Come here, baby.

That's all right.



Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

See you later.



Diavolo could have told me

you were the black person.




I want that man charged



with impersonating a cracker!

Yes, sir.



That was just incredible!



I can't believe

you did that!



How did this

happen to you?



I was busted.

It was an occupational...



I mean, an occasional hazard.



Come on, Cliff, I mean...




It was never agreed,



never mentioned,

never discussed!



Smooth was very clear

about the whole thing.



He said, "I will be gone

two or three days



and Cliff's in charge."



Have you ever even heard

of Doctor Detroit?



You see, Skridlow, this

guy's got to be a big man.



He's got to be cool.



He's a partner, like Mom,

but only worse, brother!



Mom? A-A-Are you saying



someone's mother

is involved in all this?






Oh, boy.

Hey, check upstairs.



Okay, Mom.



This is nice.

This is real nice.



A gal could be

real comfy in here.






l... I don't... don't believe

that you're welcome here.



l... I think that

you'd better leave.






Who is this twerp, huh?

Doctor Detroit?



Well, I wouldn't even




Don't bother.



Oh, my little stable

is top drawer, high quality.



Am I gonna enjoy

running these bitches.



Hey, we don't

work for you.



We never have

and we never will!



Oh, you just sit down!



Now listen, Smooth's gone,



which means

your ass is mine, girlie.



Uh, uh, uh, p-pardon me

for just... just a second.



l... I just... just

wanna clarify things here.



Are you actually saying



that these girls are...



They're hookers



and whores.



Hey. Hey, I like this.

Take it. Get this thing here.



Uh, forget that.



Oh. Hey, I like that.



Ooh, ain't that a beauty?



Ooh, I like this. Here.



Hey! okay, now, I want you to

stop this! Right this instant!



Let's see what else

I can find.



I mean that.



You'll stop!



You'll take your dirty

mitts off the fixtures!



Those are Doctor's orders!



Doctor Detroit.



The bad man

from Michigan, himself.



I am his executive assistant.

You touch any of us



and his measure of revenge

will be most swift and horrible,



I can assure you of that!



Damn, Skridlow,

talk some shit!



I'm shivering.



Now, come on, boys,

finish things up



and then you can bust

junior up, here, for laughs.



I warn you!



I am extensively read in White

Crane Kung Fu and Hapkido!



Right, all right,

get down, Skridlow.



Okay, okay, don't get

your balls in an uproar.



We can always talk.



Well, then talk!



Well, not to you.



To the boss.

Me and Doctor Detroit.



Face to face.



Uh, you and Doctor Detroit.



Okay, fine.

I'll set up a meeting...



All right.



...between you

and Doctor Detroit.



Uh, tomorrow night, at the

   th St. graveyard. At midnight.




The graveyard?



That's kinda dramatic,

ain't it?



Well, that's my offer.

Take it or leave it,






Come on now, cool it!

Cool it!



Get down, Skridlow,

with your Hapkido self.



All right! Yeah, brother,

show 'em what you can do.



Well, that's it!

That's my offer.



Tomorrow night,

   th St. graveyard, midnight.



No excuses. No substitutions!



I don't talk

to flunkies!



Now, I'll meet

with your Doctor,



and we'll settle

this shit together!



Well then, fine. If our business here is

concluded, I'll kindly ask you to leave.






Okay, come on.

Get out!



Tomorrow! Get out of here, all of you.



Come on, boys.



Out! Scat! Be gone! Raus!



And don't let the door hit you and

your collective asses on the way out!



All right, Skridlow!



That Hapkido shit

came in handy, brother!



You were wonderful.

You were a hero.



Our knight

in shining armor.



So macho.




You really think so?



Oh, yeah.



Look, but, w-w-w-what were they saying

earlier about... about you girls?



I mean, c-c-could it

possibly be...



Oh, come on, Cliff.

You're a big boy.



It's a job.

We're working girls.



And believe me,

honey, we are the best.



You are professionals.



And Smooth was your






Does that change anything,




All right, don't tell me

any more.



I will be your protector, but I

won't be your manager, your agent,



nor your pi-pi-pi...



I can't even say it.

Anyway, it won't be me.



It will be Doctor Detroit.



Now, for now, we just

maintain, we go on as before



until Smooth returns.



The Doctor will take care

of everything.



But above all, don't tell

anybody about Doctor Detroit,



nor what I am doing.




I will try.






This Doctor Detroit is bad.

B-A-D, man.



He's badder than

Larry Holmes.



He's badder than

Joe Frazier.



Badder than

Ken Norton.




Badder than Jerry Quarry.



He's even badder than

Mr. Clean!



Mom, Mom,

it's all over the streets.






Doctor Detroit's

movin' in.



They say we are

movin' out.



Oh, the hell, you say! I

haven't even met the Doctor.



But when I do,



he's dog meat.






I must do the decent thing.



It's such

an indecent profession.



You enjoyed it,

though, didn't you?



Yes, but I didn't

have to pay.



What about this

Doctor Detroit?



What about him?



Somebody has to

do the work.



Better him than you.



You? Me?



Sleep on it.






Okay, sleep on it.






Oh, oh!




Be quiet.






What... What... What are you

doing here? This is my room.



Uh, Jasmine,

where are you taking me?



I'm still half-asleep.



Quick, quick.



Are... Are you listening to me?

Are you listening to me?



Ooh, Ulysses S.

motherfucking Grant.



Welcome to the neighborhood,




Ooh, Cliff,

check out this money, man.



Cash, money.



l... I know, but... but where did

all this money come from?



The old-fashioned way.

We earned it!






Cliffie, there are

other fringe benefits.



Uh, uh...

Like samples.



Oriental baths.

I don't...



Swedish massages.

French lessons.



I know how to speak...



Exotic, erotic,

juicy adventures.



It's ridiculous!



I mean, what would men of real

virtue do if they were in my position?



I'll tell you one thing, they wouldn't

sit around wearin' those pajamas.



Ooh. Hey!



Here's your hat, Daddy, I

picked it out especially for you.



I'm dreaming.



The wages of sin.

The wages of sin.



Give us the money

and let us come in.



The wages of sin.

The wages of sin.



Give us the money

and let us come in.



Judge not, Sonny,

lest ye be judged.



Mark well the wages of sin!



Come home.



Father, I want... I want you and

your... your parental guidance.



I need moral support.



Father, can't you do

anything to stop this?



Yay! Ooh, ooh,

ah, ah, ah.



Ooh, ooh, ooh, ah, ooh, ah,

ooh, ah, ooh, ah.



Ah, um, mmm, mmm, um.



Clifford, I heard

you had some money.



Give it to the college.



No more bucks from Uncle Sam.



It's gotta come

from someplace.



It's filthy money! It's money

from depraved sources!



See what money

pleasure brings?



See what pleasure

money brings?



Thanks, my man.



I can see where

you're coming from.



She's all yours.



This is fun!



My mother's not for sale!



It's all for sale!

All for sale! All for sale!



Not my mother!

Not for the college!



Not for any money!

Not for anybody!



Not for anything!

Not my mother!



Mother, stop, please!



All for sale! All for sale!



Don't go, Mother! Stop!



Listen, Mother, stop!



No! No, I will not

sell my own mother!



Of course

you wouldn't, dear.



But it's a sweet thought.






Anybody care to comment

on the concept



of, uh,

death before dishonor?



Comments, anyone?



No? Good!



Come on, let's go.



Oh, get some sleep...



Edison used to nap

in his lab for two hours,



Napoleon fought a war on four.



Greater men than me

have had less sleep.















Oh, son, I'm glad you

stopped by before leaving.






You're... You're going

into the city.



Harmon Rousehorn's train

is arriving at   :  .



And you have to arrange

for the caterers



for the welcome dinner here

tomorrow night,



and you have to pick him up

at the station.



Here. Uh, take the Buick



and, uh, get yourself

together. You're a sight.



Rousehorn. Train.



Edison. Nap. Two hours.



Hey, Skridlow,

what's happening, man?



Uh, uh...



L-L-L-Look, where you goin'?



Talk. Khyber's.

Union Station. The train.



Rousehorn. Sleep.



What you talkin' about, man?

Wait, you got a meeting



with Mom tonight

at some graveyard.



Remember? You made the date,

so you got to keep it.



Where's Doctor Detroit, man?



Where's Doctor Detroit?



Doc-Doctor Detroit?




Doctor Detroit!



I'll make this phone call.

I'll take care of everything.




What city, please?



Yes, for the city of Chicago.



Number of Mom's

Limousine Service.



Thank you.



Yes, I'd like to

speak to Mom.



Hello, yeah, yeah,

this is Mom.



Oh, uh...



Uh, hey, hello, Mom.






Uh, this is the Doctor.




Doctor Detroit.



Yeah. I-I-I'm sorry

about the static.



I-I'm... I'm on the mobile phone

in my car right now.



And, uh, I'm on my way

down l-  .



Yeah, uh, yes, I came all

the way down from Detroit.



I'm not very happy about it.



Now, look, Mom, about our little

meeting tonight at midnight, I...



Um, i-it's not midnight.

It's not midnight?






Uh, I know he said that, but

I can't make it at midnight!



Of course, it's short notice.



Now, you look! I mean,

uh, uh,



look here, i-i-i-it's your little pink

plump rump in the ringer, not mine,



so you make it  :   or not!



Bite it, buster!



Yeah, well,

you bite it yourself, Mom!






Say, man,



how you gonna

get away with this playin'



on that uh, uh, uh, uh,

shit, huh?



Fear not, Sancho.

Say no more!



We must ask ourselves what would El

Zorro do in a situation like this.



Or The Man of La Mancha?



Strategy. Purity. Bravery.

I am many.



I am one.



Yeah, you're one crazy

individual human being, man.



Come on!



Oh, oh, lift me up!

That! I want that!



What do you want

that thing for?






This is the graveyard

we agreed upon.



Um, everybody, just, uh, stay in the car.



From inside

the jouster's tents,



the sound of the armorers

accomplishing the knights.



Busy hammers closing rivets

up, give dreadful note



of preparation.




he won't show!



Sure he will.



I'll give that son of a bitch

just another five minutes.



And then what, Mom?



Well, I'll wait some more.



I got all night

to kill his ass!



Uh, all right, now.



Which one of you is Mom?



Punctuality is a virtue,

my good madam.



Let's chew the fat.



Just what is that

supposed to mean?



Oh, nothing personal, Love

Chunks, but can we get to it?



You know, I hate to come down

from Wayne County.



I have businesses in Lansing. I

have muffler shops, chicken chains.



I got slums

to collect the rent from.



I have

a chiropractic practice.



I make adjustments



to the human spine!



And this little trip has cut far

too much into my professional time!



I figured that since you're

hustlin' my turf, we should talk.



I run this town.



Ah, ah, lurking in the dark.

Nasty things. Come out!



Okay, fellas. Come on.



Come out.



Come on out here.

Yeah, that's right.



Out here where... where

the Doctor can see you.



Lighten up, lighten up,

come on, Skridlow.



Be cool, man. Be cool.

Don't blow it, man.



You wanna move in on me

without permission,



without consideration?

You gotta pay!



The Doctor doesn't pay.



That's it?



The Doctor doesn't pay

and he doesn't worry.



Now, Mom,

if you want trouble,



I am talking

about scorched earth,



no survival,

wholesale destruction.



Calm down. Please help me. I wanna live.



Oh, my God!



Body bags and fire.




Then you just

keep comin' on!



You don't know

what trouble is, jerk-off!



Mom, I am going to

rip off your head



and shit down your neck.



Kill him!



Get after him!

You go there!



Don't shoot! We were on our

way to Leon's for some ribs



and he was hitchhiking. We don't

even know this cat, man, he's crazy.



Get out of here! Go on!



Hey, guys, hey, stop!



I, uh...



Uh, I'm Clifford Skridlow!

l... I teach school!



l... I don't even know

these girls!



I met them at a restaurant! I have

nothing against you personally!



Jesus, they're serious!

They're serious!



Oh, God!



Oh, God.









Nothing can destroy

the Doctor!



Hey, come on, get him,

get him, get him.



Out of the way, knave.



The battle rages on!

Run for your lives! Run!



Mom, you'll never

catch me! Never!



Run away! Run away!



Stop him! Come on!



Oh, God, what have I done

to deserve this?



What the hell? What's this?

Hey! What the hell you doin'?



What the hell...



I've got you now,




What the hell?



Here we go,

Love Chunks!



Oh, yes, this one's

on the Doctor.



Where we going?



Come on, this isn't funny.



I don't wanna hear you




We can make a deal!

Let's make a deal.



Come on, now.




Let me down!



Good night, Mom!



Oh, this man is...



Yeah, come on, Clifford.



Drive! Drive!

Nothing can stop us!



This will stop them!






Onward to Union Station!



Arriving on Track   

from St. Louis.



Well, he's got to be there,




He left here hours ago.



What's the matter,




Clifford's late

and Rousehorn's pissed!



You, uh, you're missed,

uh, Harmon.



I said that we miss you

very much!



Arthur, take it easy.

I'll be there.



Mister, you want a taxi?



Are you a taxi?



No, jerk-off, I'm a person, but I

do drive a taxi. It's right outside.



Can you take me

to Monroe College?



Sure thing. Hey, Dietrich,

I got a customer!



I'm coming.



Mr. Rousehorn!



Mr. Rousehorn!



Okay, let's try again now.



For the    th time



you got to the train station




And he wasn't there,

I looked everywhere.



Then where is he?



And where is the endowment

check for the college?



Father, I haven't the foggiest

idea. I really don't know.



Boys, you've been through this all

morning. Now, have some breakfast.



No, no, no. Not until I

know that Rousehorn is safe



and that check

is safe with him.



Margaret, I feel that

you don't understand.



We have no cash flow.



Without that check, we are over,

through, finished, forget it!



Eighty-sixed, no more,

history, color it gone!



Don't help.

Oh, don't... don't you help.



Oh, my God, now,

what is it?



Well, it's the police.

See, he's dead.



Oh, I hope they found

the check.



Oh, it's all right, darling.

Everything's going to be fine.



Come on, now.



Harmon, my heavens,

what happened?



Well, thank god

you're safe.



He said he was

on his way here.



So this is where

we brought him.



Oh, you need

some hot tea.



I kept the case.



The check is safe.



I need a shower.



Uh, I'm sorry, sir, but I've

got to have that blanket back.



That's a city blanket,

I signed for it.



Well, listen,

there's no need, uh,



to linger out here.



Uh, welcome to Monroe.



You are in the guest room.



All I know is

I need a shower.



Well, you are certainly

dressed for one.



Now, tell me all about it.



How did they get

your pants off?



One leg at a time.



Of course.



Did they molest you?

Did you struggle?



I want all the details!



Only a benevolent deity

could have prevented him



from losing that check.



Now, after dinner, he is

gonna feel so much better.



What time are the caterers

coming here?






The caterers

for the welcome dinner.



Here, tonight.

Rousehorn, half the faculty.



Indian food. The Khyber

Restaurant. Don't you dare tell me!



Did you neglect...

No! No, no, no! No, no!



It's totally under control, Dad. Everything

is totally and absolutely under control.



The catering, uh, the

chapatis, pappadums, raita...



Ah, ha.



Got the curry, not to worry.






Look out, gentlemen, please.



Excuse me.

Coming through here!






Coming through, coming

through, please look out!



Cliff, what is it?






Khyber Restaurant.

I forgot to do it!



I had to do it,

and I didn't do it!



I had seconds, minutes,

hours. It's not done!



Look. Just relax,




Now, what is

the problem?



I lost Rousehorn, I've got

these term papers to correct.



The college is on the verge

of bankruptcy,



my eyes can't focus,



my tongue tastes like

a skid mark,



I need some sleep.






All right.

So you sleep, okay.



Edison survived on

two hours of sleep a night.



He took catnaps

in his lab.






All right.



Uh, catnaps, Edison,

two hours, I'm gonna...



I'm gonna sleep.



This is good. Sleep.



What do you think I should do

about these papers?



Give them all a "B."



That's all they

deserve anyway.






Hello, Karen?



Hi, Monica, what's up?



What? He needs catering?




Honey, "catering"

is my middle name.



Karen Catering Blittstein.






I put two sisters through

gorgeous... gorgeous weddings



and I'm not talking

no cocktail franks



and miniature knishes,




Karen, shush!



Will you just

take care of it?



I'll get there

as soon as I can.



Okay, bye. I love you.







I don't have time to cook.



I'm gonna have to

improvise something.



This is

refreshing medication.



Now, then,

that Harold Robbins Chair.



It's... lt's quite

an endowment, huh?



More than a penny



and less than

the national debt.



Now, then, uh, like,

what amount are we talking?



I mean, I don't mean for you

to be specific...



I mean, just, generally,

in round numbers



what amount are we

talking about?



Just about?



For that, Arthur, you'll have

to wait until tomorrow.



I wanna treasure the look

on everyone's face



when our corporate generosity

is made public.




I couldn't agree more.



Oh, help, help.

Oh, I'm buried alive.



Let me out.






Cliff, where are you?

It's  :  .



What time is it?



 :  .



It is?




I'm coming.

I'll be right there. I'm gone.



Hurry up.



I had no idea...



Son. Uh... Uh, son, before you

change your clothes...






Hello, Fulsom.

How are you?



That boy just

work, work, work.



Harmon, you don't know my son,

Clifford, do you?



He's one of the bright stars

of our English Department.



We've met.

Not on time, but we've met.



This morning, Father,




I-I'm so sorry about

last night, Harmon,



um, Mr. Rousehorn,

for missing your train...



It's in the past.



It is totally

forgotten and forgiven.



Let's just say

it's in the past.



Oh, I just know this is

gonna be a lively evening.



Oh, Clifford,

those girls are wonderful.



You certainly have

everything under control.






I think I'll take

the red caviar



and put it in

the round plate.



You think they'll

like that, honey?



W-What's going on here?

What's this?



Do you have any idea

how college faculty members



eat on what we get paid?



A free meal is like honey

to a bear to these people.



They'll wanna eat enough

to hibernate on.



They're animals.

l... I mean, where'll we get



enough Indian food

to feed all of them?



Swami Diavolo's




Hindu fried chicken,

my friend Skridlow.



The rest, as my people say,

is up to karma.



Don't worry, Cliffie.



Jesus Christ, Karen,

you said this was curry.



This is not curry.



Thelma, it will be.

Will you calm down?



Cliff, go upstairs

and shower and change



and put something on

that's nice.



Look a little GQ,

would you?



Monica, go outside and schmooze

with the people. Right, sarge.



Okay. Thelma, come here.

I'm gonna show you.



Take the o-olive

and the pimento,



make happy faces, okay?



I like that.

Good. Okay, here we go.



Of course, that was in the

Herbert Hoover Administration



which in some ways is similar

to what we have today.



Oh, Margaret, I fail to see

any similarity at all.



She's just kidding, Henry.

She's a real kidder.



And I was reduced

to my underwear.



It's been downhill

ever since.



Oh, my goodness.



You know, you look

very tired, Mr. Rousehorn.



You know, wealth and power

have a way of robbing



a man of his energies,

don't they?



That's very perceptive

of you, Monica.



Very perceptive.



I hear we're having

Indian food.



I certainly hope so.



Chapatis, huh?



Well, l... I guess they've got

a few of those laid in.



Hello. Won't you

excuse us, please.



You happy, gorgeous flower?



We're having

a nice affair here.



Hi, how are you?

Nice to see you.



It's fine, but I'm... I'm

worried about the meal.



Wait till you see

the entertainment.






Jasmine, enter.






Hi, Cliff.



Oh, my!






Uh, she's... she's... she's...



She's terrific. Come on.



Oh, you're ready.



I'm ready.



Okay, you set?






All right. Fire!



Be careful now. Hold on.



There's a fire! Fire!

Don't panic!



What are you doing?

Stop it.




what are you doing, man?



Stop it, please. Cliff.



Leave the arrangements

to me, would you?



This shit is so unique,

they're gonna love it.



They're gonna love this shit.



I panicked, I'm sorry.

I panicked.



It's okay, it's okay. Just

none of us eat it, all right.



Your dinner is now served.



Come on, everybody.



Hmm. Not bad.



Beats fruit cup.



Isn't it marvelous having

so many educated talents



all in one place?



Is she Indian?



I think so.



Mahatma Gandhi

never had it so good.



Truly. Of course,



he wasn't that

big an eater anyway.



That's funny.



Oh, sahib,

follow me, brother.



This is great.

This is tremendous.



They're buying it.



You pulled it off.

I can't thank you enough.



Hey, no problem, Skridlow.

Thank me in the car, okay?



What do you mean

in the car?



We have to go in to town.



What? Not me.

I'm not going anywhere.



I haven't slept

in days, Diavolo.



Listen, Cliff, we don't have

much time, okay.



The word is on the street.



You have to

make an appearance,



because the Doctor goes public

in about one hour.



Are you crazy?



No, man, you're crazy.



You invented the dude,

not me.



So, I guess I'll catch you

in the car, brother.



Oh, come on,

everyone's talking about



how you stopped Mom.



Doctor Detroit has to be

on the scene, right?



He has to.

That's the end of it.



Uh, say, man,

put this shit on.



Props are in the bag.



Oh, terrific. Bag.



I must say, though, ladies,

you have given me



the most extraordinary week

of my life.



Oh, sweet.






Oh, man, you know,

you're gonna do good out here



in this city with

that wig and metal hand.



Lime-green pants.







And responsibility.



Hey, be the Doctor,




Doctor, my man,

give me five, man.



I'll give you $   and then

you can keep the change.



See you at the Players Ball,

my man, huh?



All right. All right.



That was great.



What's the Players Ball?



Nothing, nothing.

Be cool, be cool.



I heard you wiped Mom out.



How did you do it?



You might say I

rearranged her front end.



You know, you'll be king

of the Players Ball?



Ain't no doubt about it.



You're beautiful. Terrific.



All right. What is

the Players Ball



they keep talkin' about?



It's tomorrow night, honey.

That's okay, I'll protect you.



Tomorrow night?

I have a prior engagement.



I can't go. I can't go.



Oh, no. Where is it?



Somebody picks the place

and we all show up there.



It's a subcultural event,




It's our responsibility

to be there.



Oh, I can't be there.

I can't.



Yes, you can.



Grab him.



What is...






Come on, wake him up.

Give him air.



Tomorrow... Tomorrow night



is... is the college

alumni dinner.






At the Excelsior Hotel,

I have to be there.



I don't know where or what

your Players Ball is,



but I simply cannot be

in two places at once.



Yes, you can. Yes, you can.

We'll take care of everything.



Now, how are we

gonna do that?






Loosen his belt.



Karen, get your mind

out of the gutter.



Oh, Jesus Christ, do you think

this is gonna work?



Sure, it'll work. Sure.



This is Ed here.

Your dime, go ahead.



Yo, Eddie.




What's happenin'?

This is Diavolo.



Oh, go ahead, Diavolo.



Listen, Eddie, if the Doctor

is king, he chooses the place



where he wants

to be crowned.



Well, it's gonna go down?

This is it, right?




Don't jive me man?



I'll tell you what

it's going to be.



Uh, the Excelsior Hotel.



Excelsior Hotel.



That's downtown.



Is that right?



You're familiar

with the area.



Well, I'll ask around, man.






Later on.

The Doctor will be there.



Better be.






All right.



The Doctor's "A" Team.



First class.

Top of the line.



Come on, let's get ready.



I feel like bustin' loose



bustin' loose



Get, get, get, get,

get, get, get on down



Oh, it looks like

a fun crowd this year.



You scratched my car,




Insurance, my ass!



Get, get, get, get,

get, get, get on down



What the hell is going on?






Oh, there's Swami Diavolo!

The caterer.



Mother, that's not him,

that's someone else entirely.



I have never before...



They never have a mob here.






Well, when you got

a woman mayor, you...



Doctor, ooh-ooh,



Doctor Detroit.



Doctor, ooh-ooh,



Doctor Detroit.



Doctor, ooh-ooh,



Doctor Detroit.






What's going on in here?




Doctor, ooh-ooh...



Uh, not-nothing for us,




Doctor, ooh-ooh...



What on earth is this?



What's going on?



Doctor Detroit.



Pardon me.



Uh, uh, excuse me.



Skridlow! Hey, man, I gotta

talk to you. We gotta...



Excuse me. Clifford, I see

that your friend is here.



Does that mean you'll

be leaving us again?



No, absolutely not.



My duty is to my home,

my family,



the college, my job,

and to you, sir.



He is upsetting

the guests.



Will you get him

out of here?



Oh! Sue and Lloyd Miller.



Can you believe this noise?

You can't even think.



You have to

get out of here.



You're going to

ruin everything.



I have to talk to you.



Hey, man, watch out, man.

You been drinkin'?



Do you hear those people

over there?



They wanna see the Doctor.



I can't do it.

I can't leave.



I've got to

introduce Rousehorn.



He's going to give

money to the college.



You've got to, man.



There are four beautiful women

depending on you.



The Doctor has

got to be there.



Look, there is no Doctor.



There is if you

believe in him, brother.



All right, quick,

before I change my mind.



Straight through

the kitchen door.



But hurry it up, man.



Cliff, put the hair on.

To the right.



If my parents ever see me,

they'll disown me.



Check out the lining

in this jacket.



You can wear it

inside out.



Do the pants match?



No, they won't work.

The lining's purple.



Looks just fine.

Come on, move it.



Move it, man. Come on.



This is so insane.



I don't know how you

made me do this.



Those underwear

look nice, man.



How about these

tuxedo pants?



They were

Grandpa Skridlow's.



He had sensitive legs. He had to

have satin near his skin at all times.



Yeah, let's move, move.



The glasses? The glasses?



You got 'em. Right here.



Hey, you boys,

get out of the kitchen!



Doctor Detroit!



Doctor, ooh-ooh,



Doctor Detroit!



Doctor, ooh-ooh...



Say, J.B.,

the Doctor has arrived.



Doctor Detroit.



Ladies and gentlemen,

players and ladies,



high-lifes and low-lifes,



all you trash-with-cash,



allow me to announce

the Doctor is in.



Get up offa that thing



Dance till you feel better



Get up offa that thing



Try and release

that pressure



Get up offa that thing



Dance till you feel better



Say it



Get up offa that thing



Try and release

that pressure



Get up offa that thing



Dance till you feel better



Get up offa that thing



Try and release

that pressure



Get up offa that thing



Dance till you feel better



Get up offa that thing



Try and release

that pressure





















Hit me




Hit it now



Move it to

the Doctor






Doctor Detroit!









Get up offa that thing



Dance till you feel better



Get up offa that thing



Get up offa that thing



Dance till you

feel better



Get up offa that thing



Try and release

that pressure






Doctor Detroit



Doctor Detroit



Come on now!



Doctor Detroit



Thank you. Thank you.



I'm... I'm... I'm

so, so very touched



and pleased to be

honored in this way.



But, unfortunately,

I have business



in... in another part

of the hotel,



a prior commitment, actually

a small chiropractic service



I was supposed to perform.



But, if anybody is

akin here tonight



it is this man,



Mr. "Try Me."

Mr. "Please, Please, Please."



Mr. "This is a Man's World."



I give you the hardest-working

man in show business,



ladies and gentlemen,

James Brown.



Thank you. Thank you.



Excuse me. Excuse me.



Thank you. Excuse me.



Doctor, ooh-ooh,



Doctor Detroit.



Excuse me.



Hi, Mom.



I just saw someone we know.




How are the hors d'oeuvres?



I'm so glad

you could join us, Cliff.



Thanks, I'm so glad

I could make it.



Hey, fruit cup.



I'll have one.

Thank you.



No, I mean you,

fruit cup.



Mom wants to

see you right now.



Uh, ladies and gentlemen?



Please, your attention.

Your attention, please.



Faculty and alumni of

Monroe College, and guests.



Tonight is a very

special night for the college.



He's introducing him

before the entrée.



And, uh, to explain why,



I'll introduce our

distinguished guest of honor,



himself an alumnus of Monroe,



a philanthropist,

Doctor of Humane Letters



and Chief Executive Officer

and Chairman of



Rousehorn Consolidated




Mr. Harmon Rousehorn.



You introduced him

before the entrée.



Excuse me.



And, dear friends,

our college...



Look out, watch it.






Hey, Doctor,

what's happening, baby?



What's movin' out there?



I'm proud of you.



It's imperative that we leave

these premises immediately.



Why? The party's

just getting started.



Say, man,

what's the matter?



Why do we have to leave?



Oh, mom?



That's why.



Well, who do you think?



No one starts

this party without me.



Get the son of a bitch.



Hey, what's going on?



Look out! Doctor on call.



Emergency house call.




Doctor on call!



Look out!



Out of the way! Move!



I'm gonna

kick your ass!



I warn you,

I'm a chiropractor.



I will use

my skills negatively.



There are radioactive

isotopes in this bag.



Stay away!



You're dead!



You're mine, Detroit.

You're mine.



En garde, madame!



I have you now at

a supreme disadvantage.



Like hell, you have.



You're crazy.



Are you nuts?



And now, in closing,

I'd like to present to you



on behalf of Rousehorn

Consolidated Industries,



this meager endowment.



I'm so nervous.

Clifford should be here.



Well, this is a, uh,



this is a great,

great day for...



I defy you, woman.



Excuse me. Excuse me,

this is a private party.



Who... Who are these people?



$    on the Doctor, huh?



Excuse me, excuse me,

this is a private...



It's Clifford.



Oh, my God. No.



Yes, Mother. It's me.



Okay, finish me.



I'm not afraid to die.

Go ahead.



And I am fortunate in battle

and merciful in victory.




I'll let the room decide.



My good people,

what'll it be?






So be it.



You're finished

in this town, Mom.



Through, banished,

exiled in your community.



Ladies and gentlemen, the

Doctor is a compassionate man!



Throw this trash bag out,



and never let her

darken Cook County again.



Shut up.



My arm! My arm!



I'll be back.



My good people, l... I pray,



a moment of your

attention here, please.



$  million.



And I thought

you were cheap.



I didn't mean cheap.



Clifford, you've made us

so proud.



l... I thank you, sir,



and... and the college

thanks you,



and my parents thank you.



And the Doctor thanks you.



But the Doctor is no more.



He existed only to

banish an evil presence.



Let it be known to all here

that the damsels



whom Mom would've

held captive are free.



My ladies, Karen,

Thelma, Monica, Jasmine,



you are beholden to none.



Diavolo, my trusted comrade,



perhaps we may ride again.



For whenever

intimidation and injustice



vie with decency and honor,



let the Doctors arise,

and arise they must.



For within every one of us

there is a Doctor.



A dormant Doctor,

a supreme arbitrator



who can be summoned to

intervene when crises threaten



the stabilities and well-being

of our heartlands.



Now, let's party.



I have endowed a madman.



Why couldn't...



Why couldn't I

have gone to Yale?



Or Syracuse even?



Why don't you

tell me about it?



What's wrong, huh?



There's gonna be

a big affair tonight



We made it through

and everything's all right



When times are rough

and everyone feels down



Don't you give up,

just turn the thing around






Just sit back

and set your mind at ease



Call your friends and grab

your own mates please



Get it on

and have a party









Get it on and have a party






Don't lose your head

when everyone's uptight



If you stay cool,

you'll always win the fight



Just when you think there's

nothin' left to do, no



You'll find a cure

right there inside of you



Tonight's the night

for us to twist and shout



Let down your hair

and let it all hang out



Get it on and have a party












Get it on and have a party






Get on and party






Get it on



Have a party tonight






Oh, yeah



Get it on tonight






Get it on



Have a party tonight



Tonight's the night for us

to twist and shout



Let down your hair

and let it all hang out



Hey, yeah






Get it on and have a party




Special help by SergeiK