Dogma Script - Screenplay

Dogma Script
 
by
 
Kevin Smith
 
 
 
 
EXT. ASBURY PARK BOARDWALK - DAY 
Jersey spring day. Beyond the wooden planks that make up the aged fun pier, the 
ocean waves crash into the sandy shoreline. 
An OLD MAN stares at the empty beach. Sun-worshipers hours away from besmirching 
the dunes. His features are simple. He wears an old overcoat. His face belies 
good years gone by - a face that has seen more sunrises than one would suspect. 
He inhales the crisp, salty air and lets a small, satisfied smile cross his 
face. 
Behind him, a large arcade with steel shuttered doors sits on the boardwalk. 
Three young boys skate around by on roller blades, passing a street hockey ball 
between them proficiently. The Old Man views them briefly, checks his watch, and 
looks back toward the ocean. 
The skates of the three hockey-playing youths skid to a halt. We pan up to their 
faces - now cold and dispassionate. They look at one another and nod. 
Their skates glide out of frame. 
POV SKATERS - The Old Man leans on the railing that overlooks the beach. We get 
closer and closer to him until... 
One of the skaters checks him hard into the railing. The Old Man exhales 
violently and falls to his knees. The two other skaters begin savagely beating 
on him with their hockey sticks, as he crumbles beneath them. Repeatedly their 
blades crash down hard on his head. 
 
OC VOICE
I don't understand - how can you base your lack
of belief in God on the writings Lewis Caroll?
 
The three skaters cease their beating and check the Old Man's pulse. Satisfied, 
they skate away, leaving his crumpled form on the boardwalk. 
 
INT. AIRPORT - DAY 
LOKI walks beside a NUN in a semi-busy terminal. They pass through the metal 
detectors. The Nun carries a donation can. 
 
LOKI
Leaving 'Alice in Wonderland' aside, look closely
at 'Through the Looking Glass' - particularly 'The
Walrus and the Carpenter' poem: what's the
metaphorical meaning?
 
NUN
I wasn't aware there was one.
 
LOKI
Oh, but there is - it colorfully details the sham
that is organized religion. The Walrus - with his
girth and good-nature - obviously refers to either
the Buddha, or - with his tusks - the lovable
Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. This takes care
of the Eastern religions. The Carpenter is an
Obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was
purportedly raised the son of a carpenter. He
represents the Western religions. And in the poem,
what do they do? They dupe all the oysters into
following them. Then, when the oysters collective
guard is down, the Walrus and the Carpenter shuck
and devour the helpless creatures, en masse. I
don't know what that says to you, but to me it
says that following faiths based on these
mythological figures insures the destruction of
one's inner-being.
 
BARTLEBY sits amongst a row of seats by one of the arrival gates. He eats 
popcorn and stares at... 
A steady stream of TRAVELERS, exiting the gate, meeting loved ones, family. 
 
OC LOKI
Organized religion destroys who we are or who we
can be by inhibiting our actions and decisions out
of fear of an intangible parent-figure who shakes
a finger at us from thousands of years ago and
says "No, no!"
 
Bartleby smiles at the meet-and-greets, warmed. Loki saddles up beside him, 
kneeling on one of the seats, facing the Nun. 
 
LOKI
'Through the Looking Glass' - a children's tale?
I think not.
 
NUN
(really dazed)
I've... I've never really thought about it like
that...
(beat; shocked; off her cassock)
What have I been doing with my life...?
 
LOKI
Don't look back. Just get out there and taste
life.
(off donation can)
Leave this for the unenlightened. Poverty is for
the gullible - it's another way the church is
trying to control you. You take that money you've
been collecting for your parish reconstruction and
go get yourself a nice piece of ass. You deserve
it.
 
The Nun nods at him, and saunters off, obviously grappling with something. A 
passerby tries to stick money in her can, but she yanks it away. Loki faces the 
proper direction in his seat and plops down beside the still-transfixed 
Bartleby. 
 
BARTLEBY
(looking OC)
Here's what I don't get about you: you know for a
fact that there is a God. You've been in his
presence, he's talked to you personally. And yet I
just heard you claim to be an atheist.
 
LOKI
C'mon man - you know I don't believe any of that
shit I was telling her. I just like to fuck with
the clergy; keep 'em on their toes. When her head
stops spinning, she'll be facing the way of the
Just again. But oh. will she have a bunch to
confess.
(looks around)
Now here's what I don't get about you: why do you
feel the need to come here all the time?
 
BARTLEBY
(off travelers)
I like to watch. This is humanity at it's best.
Look at them.
 
A reunited FAMILY share a group hug and move on, making way for two young LOVERS 
to embrace and kiss passionately. 
 
OC BARTLEBY
All that tension, all that anger and mistrust,
forgotten for one perfect moment when they come
off that plane. See those two? The guy doesn't
even know that the girl cheated on him while he
was away.
 
OC LOKI
She did?
 
Bartleby and Loki continue to watch the arrivals. 
 
BARTLEBY
Uh-huh. Twice. But it doesn't matter at this
moment because they're both so relieved to be with
one another. I like that. I just wish they could
all feel that way more often.
 
LOKI
Maybe if someone gave them free bags of peanuts
more often they would. Now what was so friggin'
important that I had to miss cartoons this
morning? If it was to share in your half-assed
obsessions with Hallmark moments, I'm going to
slug you.
 
BARTLEBY
(still looking OC)
You're never going to believe this: we're going
home.
 
LOKI
(off Bartleby's popcorn)
Let me have some?
 
BARTLEBY
(pulls out envelope)
Look what somebody sent us in the mail.
(hands him a newspaper article and corn)
 
LOKI
Did you say we're going home?
(reads)
"Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon on 'Catholicism -
Wow!' Campaign."
(to Bartleby)
And?
 
BARTLEBY
Keep reading.
 
LOKI
(reads)
"Updating the church... television spots... Papal
consent... rededication...
(to Bartleby)
Again - and?
 
BARTLEBY
(snatches article)
Give me this.
(getting up; reading)
"The Re-dedication of Saint Michael's Church on
it's hundredth anniversary is the kickoff of a new
campaign that seeks to bring the Catholic Church
back into the mainstream. With a papal sanction,
the archway entrance to the century old, Jersey
shore house of worship will serve as a passageway
of plenary indulgence, which - according to
Catholic beliefs - offers all who pass through
it's arches a morally clean slate."
(looks at Loki)
You still don't get it, do you?
 
LOKI
No, I don't get it. Are we leaving now?
 
They start walking. 
 
BARTLEBY
If you walk through the church's front door on the
day of the Re-dedication ceremony, your soul is
wiped clean of any and all existing sin, more so
than the sacrament of penance could ever offer.
It's a plenary indulgence, man! I don't know why I
never thought of this before.
 
LOKI
(spits out chewed popcorn into trash can)
Sounds thin. Sounds like someone made it up.
 
BARTLEBY
It's rarely employed, but it's legitimate. It has
a papal sanction for God's sake.
 
LOKI
So you're saying you and I can walk through this
doorway and go back home?
 
BARTLEBY
No - by passing through the doors, our sins are
forgiven. Then all we have to do is die...
 
LOKI
Wait. wait, wait - Die? I don't want to die.
(chews popcorn)
 
BARTLEBY
(steps on conveyor belt)
You'd rather stay down here for a few more eons?
 
LOKI
No, but we don't even know if we can die. And what
if we can, but this archway thing doesn't pan out?
What then? Hell? Fuck that.
(spits out chewed popcorn into napkin)
 
BARTLEBY
Im possible. If we cut off our wings and
transubstantiate to complete human form then we
become mortal. And if we die with clean souls,
there's no way to keep us out. They have to let us in.
 
LOKI
(beat)
Who sent this thing?
 
BARTLEBY
I don't know. Somebody who's looking out for us,
I guess. Does it matter? All that matters is that
after all these years, we've found a loophole. He
can't keep us out anymore. And once we're back in,
I'm sure He'll just forgive and forget.
 
They pass the Nun. who leans against a wall, still dazed. 
 
LOKI
Yeah, but this plenary indulgence thing is a
church law, not Divine Mandate. Church laws are
fallible because they're created by man.
 
BARTLEBY
One of the last sacred promises imparted to Peter
the first Pope by the Son of God before He left
was "Whatever you hold true on earth..."
 
LOKI
" ...I'll hold true in Heaven."
 
BARTLEBY
So if the Pope says it's so, God must adhere. It's
dogmatic law.
 
LOKI
(beat; extends hand)
Let it never be said that your anal retentive
attention to detail never yielded positive
results.
 
BARTLEBY
(accepts hand)
You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an
anus.
 
LOKI
There's just one thing I think I should do before
we leave - something that'll get us back on His
good side.
 
BARTLEBY
What's that?
 
Loki smiles and starts rifling through his pockets. He extracts a magazine 
article. 
 
LOKI
This is something I've been dreaming about for
five years now. Read.
 
The crumpled article displays a Barney-like gold-hued cow, alongside various 
profit charts and text. 
 
OC BARTLEBY
(reading)
"Mooby the Golden Calf - Creating an Empire Out of
Simplicity."
 
Loki wipes his mouth and nods to the article. 
 
LOKI
I want to hit them.
 
BARTLEBY
Are you nuts?!
(crumples article)
We're mere days away from getting back, and you
want to jeopardize it because you have a soft spot
for the good ol' days?!
 
LOKI
What better way to show I've repented than by
resuming the position I denied... thanks to you.
 
BARTLEBY
A killing spree is not going to make things better
for us.
 
LOKI
We're not talking about killing here. We're
talking about Divine Justice. We're talking about
punishing the wicked, raining down fire and
brimstone. He's all about that. I just know he'd
want this done.
 
BARTLEBY
There hasn't been an Angel of Death since you
quit. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Besides,
what if you're wrong?
 
LOKI
If I'm wrong, it won't matter. Like you said - we
pass through the arch and we're forgiven anyway.
 
They step up to an elevator and press the button.
 
BARTLEBY
(considering it)
Well... he does hate competition.
(reading article)
And this Mooby definitely falls under that
heading.
 
LOKI
The church we have to go to is where?
 
BARTLEBY
New Jersey. The Rededication is in four days.
 
The doors open. They get on. Other people are inside as well. 
 
LOKI
Our last four days on earth. If I had a dick, I'd
go get laid. But we can do the next best thing.
 
BARTLEBY
What's that?
 
LOKI
Let's kill people.
 
A guy beside Loki reacts. Loki smiles at him as the elevator doors close. 
 
OPENING CREDITS 
Between black cards with white credits there are shots of the OLD MAN from the 
boardwalk being wheeled into a hospital on a gurney, being treated in the 
emergency room, being hooked up to life support system, and finally resting in 
an intensive care wing.
 
EXT. ST. STEPHEN'S PARISH - DAY 
The church sits on a grassy knoll in McHenry - a suburb of Chicago. Some kids 
tear by on bikes and egg it. 
 
OC PRIEST
The greater Illinois chapter of the Right to Life
foundation will be holding it's bi-annual softball
game against the Cook County Pro-Choice league
next Sunday at two.
 
INT. ST. STEPHEN'S PARISH - DAY 
The PRIEST speaks from the lectern, addressing semi-filled rows of the faithful. 

 
PRIEST
Those who find the weekly demonstration outside of
the Twelfth Street Planned Parenthood Clinic hard
to make due to work schedules are urged to show
their support in the fight against the thoughtless
and wanton destruction of life by cheering on our
boys on the field. Refreshments, as always, will
be served.
 
Dollying down the rows while the Priest rattles on. we pass the parishioners. 
Some listen intently, others are nodding off. One surreptitiously listens to a 
Walk-man; a man and a woman quietly argue while their kid colors in a coloring 
book, going off the page and marking the pew; two kids play cards; one guy leafs 
through a copy of Hustler hidden by his hymnal book. 
 
OC PRIEST
Today's second collection will be donated to the
John Doe Jersey Life Fund. For those of you who
haven't been following the news, an unidentified
homeless man who was accosted and severely beaten
at the New Jersey shore last Tuesday lies in
critical but stable condition in one of that
area's hospitals. He lacks identification and
police have had no luck in tracking down any
possible family. While he shows no signs of
recovery, the Arch-Bishop of the Trenton Diocese
has disputed the state's decision to remove the
indigent man from life support systems, asking that
Catholics all over the country join in this protest
against Euthanasia. And finally - will whoever
keeps parking in my spot, stop doing that. Thank
you. Now, please rise for the recession of faith.
We believe in one God, the father...
 
As the congregation flatly joins in the prayer, we stop on BETHANY - a beautiful 
twenty-something woman who struggles to stay awake. She checks her watch and 
exhales softly. 
 
OC VOICE
I don't really want to be here.
 
EXT. PLANNED PARENTHOOD CLINIC - DAY 
A small gaggle of sign-carrying Right-to-Lifer's march in front of the sterile 
looking building. 
 
OC VOICE
But then again, I guess nobody ever does...
except maybe you.
 
INT. BETHANY'S OFFICE - DAY 
The source of the voice - a GIRL - sits beside Bethany's desk, stretching out 
her gum. Bethany offers her an understanding smile.
 
GIRL
You know, I've done this three times now; and
each time the counselor tells me I should be
more careful in the future, I should show' some
responsibility. Gotta tell you, though - this is
the first time the counselor wasn't some ugly as
hell old bitch. It's kind of hard to take abortion
advice from a woman who's too gross to get laid
in the first place.
 
BETHANY
I'm not here to lecture you - I'm here to make
sure you really want to go through with this.
 
GIRL
I'd rather go back to that night when my idiot
boyfriend swore up and down he was sterile. Short
of that, there aren't many choices left, now are
there?
 
BETHANY
Ever think about having it?
 
GIRL
(beat)
What woman doesn't on some level.
 
BETHANY
I never did.
 
GIRL
(incredulous)
You had an abortion?
 
BETHANY
(lights a smoke)
My first year in college. All through high school,
I'd dated the same guy - Walter Flanagan. We were
really in love, right? So much so, that we decided
to go Carnegie Mellon together... that's this
college in Pittsburgh. So there we are -away at
school, and there's suddenly no parents to worry
about anymore, so we're screwing like rabbits - just
constantly doing it. And I wound up getting pregnant.
So he begs me to have it. He says we should quit
school and get married, and I'm telling him that
that'll screw up our educations. We fought about
it for a week - my argument being there was no
rush to have kids, you know? We could always have
a baby in a couple of years - after school. So I
got the abortion against his wishes... I mean,
what the hell - it was my body, right? After
graduation, we got married and immediately set about
trying to have kids. We tried like hell for the
first six months, and... nothing. So I went to a
gynecologist to see if everything was okay on my
end.
(beat)
It wasn't.
(takes a drink)
My uterine wall had this fissure. It seems that
the doctor who performed the procedure on me years
before had somehow botched it. I'd never be able
to have a child.
 
The Girl's face says it all. Bethany takes a drag and continues. 
 
BETHANY
So there I am - devastated. And now I have to go
home to break the news to my husband who years
before had begged me to have the baby - his baby.
And after I explain it to him through my tears,
he sits on the couch and rubs his eyes. And in the
calmest, most rational voice I've ever heard anybody
use in my life, he asks me for a divorce. And I
fought him, you know? I tried to talk him out of
it; told him there were alternatives - like we
could adopt. And all he said was he wanted a wife
who could have his children.
 
GIRL
(beat)
What happened?
 
BETHANY
He remarried. He had two kids in two years with
his new wife. We never spoke again. And now I do
this.
 
GIRL
That's like... such a sad story.
 
BETHANY
I dated this guy a year or two ago - he was really
into comic books. He told me I had the stock
superhero story - I wanted to prevent a wrong that
had happened to me from ever happening to anyone
else. Kind of like Batman, he said. The only
difference is I don't put on tights to do it...
unless all my other clothes are in the wash.
(smiles and puts out her smoke)
So... let's go over your paperwork.
 
EXT. CLINIC - DAY 
A well-dressed LIZ maneuvers through the small thrall of Right-to-lifer's. They 
shake their placards at her accusingly.
 
PROTESTOR 1
You should be ashamed of yourself!
 
PROTESTOR 2
Child killer!
 
LIZ
(looking over their shoulders)
HOLY SHIT!! IT'S THE POPE!!
 
As the thrall turns excitedly in an effort try to spy the imaginary pontiff, Liz 
ducks inside the clinic. 
 
INT. CLINIC COFFEE ROOM - DAY 
A NEWSPAPER HEADLINE fills the frame - "CHURCH SAYS NO TO DEATH OF JOHN DOE". 
It's lowered to reveal Bethany, reading. Liz enters and hangs up her coat. 
 
LIZ
Jesus! You're a Catholic, aren't you? Can't you
talk to them or something?
 
BETHANY
They hate me more than you, no doubt. At least
you have an excuse - you're Jewish, you don't
know any better.
 
LIZ
I don't think they'd accept that one - we already
used it as our excuse for killing Christ. So where
were you yesterday morning - a bunch of us went
out for brunch?
 
BETHANY
I went to church.
 
LIZ
That kills me. You and church. We work in a field
that specializes in pissing off the cloth and you
add insult to injury by breaking bread with them
every week.
 
BETHANY
I sit there every Sunday and I feel nothing. I
can remember sitting in church when I was a kid
and being moved - like everything meant something,
like I was important. And the stories of all these
holy people were so inspiring. Now I sit there and
think about my checking, and what I'm going to wear
to work the next day.
 
LIZ
So then why do you still go?
 
BETHANY
(beat)
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
 
LIZ
You think I'm going to mock your religious beliefs?
We're friends, Bethany - I may mock you for being
a divorcé at twenty five who's never had an orgasm,
but I'd never mock you for having faith.
 
BETHANY
That's just it - I don't. I don't think I have any
faith left.
 
LIZ
(making coffee)
I had a girl in here once - 'bout fifteen. She
told me that faith is like a glass of water. When
you're young, the glass is full, and it's easy to
fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the
glass gets, and the same amount of water doesn't
fill the glass anymore. Periodically, the glass
has to be refilled.
 
BETHANY
A fifteen year old who came in here said that?
 
LIZ
She had gotten knocked up by her pastor.
 
BETHANY
Jesus! See? A minister knocks up a teenager - isn't
anyone afraid of the Lord's wrath anymore?
 
LIZ
That would require faith, and that commodity lately
seems reserved only for the psychotic zealots that
hang around outside.
(collects her things to leave)
So what are you doing tonight?
 
BETHANY
Watching TV
 
LIZ
Girl, you need a man. If only for ten minutes.
 
BETHANY
It's been my experience that the average male is
never a man - not even for ten minutes in his
entire life span.
 
LIZ
Uh-oh - that sounds militant. You thinking of
joining the other side?
 
BETHANY
Couldn't do it. Women are insane.
 
LIZ
Then girl, you better get back to church and ask
God for a third option.
 
BETHANY
I think God is dead.
 
LIZ
The sign of a true Catholic.
 
Liz exits with her coffee. Bethany stares after her. 
 
INT. A QUAINT SUBURBAN HOME - DAY 
The Stygian Triplets kneel on one knee before a high-backed leather chair, upon 
which Sits a shadowy figure who we see from behind. They appear to be in a den 
or library. 
 
SHADOWY FIGURE
All proceeds according to plan. No doubt, the
powers will attempt to contact the Last Scion. You
know where she is. She must be eliminated before
she enters the fray. When she is negated, there
will be nothing to interfere with our plan. Shuffle
her loose her mortal coil, that we may obtain our
final glory.
(beat)
Go.
 
The Stygian Triplets rise and skate off. 
 
INT. BETHANY'S KITCHEN - NIGHT 
The fridge door opens and Bethany glances around inside. She pulls out a 
chocolate cake and closes the door. 
 
INT. BETHANY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 
Bethany sits on the couch, eating cake with a fork and watching the OC TV The 
theme song to Filmation's 'Batman and Robin' cartoon can be heard. She sips some 
milk from a glass and has some more cake. 
 
INT. BETHANY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 
Bethany's in bed, staring up at the ceiling. From the darkness, a creaking floor 
board is heard. Bethany reacts, grabbing a bat from under her pillow. She peers 
into the darkness, defensively wielding her bat. 
Suddenly, the room explodes in flames. A huge fire that appears to be shooting 
out from the floor ignites mere feet from Bethany's bed. Bethany leaps back, 
taking a beat to stare, mesmerized. Looking closely, one can see an 
anthropomorphic form standing in the blaze. 
 
VOICE
(powerful; booming)
BEHOLD THE METATRON - HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND
VOICE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD!
 
The Voice repeats itself. Bethany darts out of bed and dashes out of the room, 
quickly returning with a fire extinguisher. While the voice is in mid-sentence, 
she blasts the thing with the contents of the canister, swirling the nozzle 
around to hit all the flames. The booming Voice sputters and starts coughing, 
losing it's impressive edge. Bethany stops squirting and turns on her bedside 
lamp. 
A choking, drenched, and coughing androgynous figure in a suit waves her away. 
The figure coughs up some of the extinguisher's contents and drops to the floor, 
hacking. It is METATRON. Bethany stares, shocked. 
 
METATRON
(between coughs)
Sweet. ..Jesus! Did you... have to empty...the
whole can?!
 
Bethany grabs her bat again and holds it up, this time offensively. 
 
BETHANY
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU
DOING IN MY ROOM?!
 
METATRON
(slowly rising to it's feet)
I'm the one... who's soaked and... she's the one
who's pissed. That's rich!
 
BETHANY
(reaching for phone, still holding bat)
I'm calling the cops! Breaking and entering,
attempted arson... they're going to lock you up
for life...!
 
METATRON
(wiping off clothes)
No dial tone.
 
BETHANY
(ear to phone)
You cut the phone lines...
(even more offensive with bat)
Get the fuck out of here, now!
 
METATRON
Or you'll what - hit me with that fish?
 
The bat Bethany held is now a salmon. She drops it to the floor and freaks. 
 
METATRON
Now just sit down on the bed and shut up!
 
BETHANY
Oh God - you're going to rape me...
 
METATRON
I'm not going to rape you.
(to itself; off clothes)
Look at my suit...!
 
BETHANY
Take whatever you want, just don't kill or
rape me...
 
METATRON
Enough with the raping already! I couldn't rape
you if I wanted to.
(unzips pants and pulls them off)
Angels are ill-equipped.
 
Bethany stares. There, before her, stands the exposed Metatron. There is nothing 
where some sexual genitalia should be - it's as smooth and anatomically impaired 
as a Ken doll. 
 
METATRON
See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.
(rings out pants)
You meat-puppets and your arrogance - you think
everyone's just waiting to rape you.
 
BETHANY
Wh..what are you?
 
METATRON
I'm pissed is what I am. You go around drenching
everyone that comes into your room with
flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you don't get
laid.
(pulls pants back on)
Go get me a towel, will you?
 
Bethany blinks. She exits the room and comes back with a towel. She holds it out 
to Metatron who grabs it and starts toweling off. 
 
METATRON
(taking off jacket)
Stand back.
 
Bethany steps back. Metatron flexes and huge fucking wings extend from it's 
back, dripping water. Bethany goes wide-eyed and cowers against the wall. 
 
METATRON
(tosses towel away)
Like I was saying - I am the Metatron.
 
Bethany stares, saying nothing, pinned against the wall. Metatron looks 
insulted. 
 
METATRON
Metatron. Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a
bell?
 
Bethany remains silent and wide-eyed. Metatron gets testy. 
 
METATRON
You people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's
not worth knowing, right?
(beat)
I am a seraphim.
(beat)
The highest choir of angels?
(beat)
You do know what an angel is, don't you?
 
Bethany slowly nods. 
 
METATRON
Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented
occasion when some yahoo claims to have spoken
with God, they're speaking to me. Or they're
speaking to themselves.
 
BETHANY
(beat)
Why doesn't God speak for himself?
 
METATRON
Ah. So glad you decided to join the conversation.
To answer that - human beings have neither the
aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand
the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you
to hear it, you're mind would cave in and your
heart would explode within your chest. We went
through five Adam's before we figured that out.
 
BETHANY
Are you going to kill me?
 
METATRON
I could for what you did to this suit. Unfortunately
I can't. You're called.
 
BETHANY
(beat)
Called how? How called?
 
METATRON
All that from two words. Color this angel impressed.
 
BETHANY
(beat)
How do I know you're an angel?
 
METATRON
Oh, you mean besides the fiery entrance and the
expansive wingspan? You people kill me. Fine. You
want more proof? How about a tequila?
(snaps fingers)
 
INT. MEXICAN BAR - NIGHT 
Bethany and Metatron sit at a table. Bethany immediately clutches at her 
pajamas. Metatron waves a WAITER over. 
 
BETHANY
Where the hell are we?!
 
METATRON
The only place one can go for good tequila.
(to Waiter)
Dos tequilas, por favor. And an empty glass.
 
WAITER
Si.
 
The Waiter turns to leave. Metatron yanks a smoke from his pocket as he goes. 
 
METATRON
Gracias, senor.
 
BETHANY
We're in Mexico?!
 
METATRON
Actually, we're in the Chili's down the street
from your house, but it was still an impressive
trick.
(lights smoke)
You don't mind that I lost the wings, do you? I'm
trying to keep our profile low.
 
BETHANY
I suppose it would be too cliche to observe aloud
that this is the weirdest dream I've ever had.
 
METATRON
Can you imagine how insulting it is to converse
with a person and have them insist you're a dream?
If I had an ego, it'd be bruised.
 
BETHANY
What do you want with me?
 
METATRON
I'm to charge you with a holy crusade.
(pause)
You do know what a crusade is, don't you?
 
BETHANY
(sarcastically)
Uh, yeah.
 
METATRON
Don't give me that. Last time I charged someone
with a crusade they had to look the word up.
 
BETHANY
Why am I supposed to go on a crusade?
 
METATRON
Yours is a heritage divine. Also, you didn't
seem to be doing much lately.
 
The Waiter arrives with their drinks. 
 
METATRON
Oh - Gracias!
(he leaves; off the tequila)
One of the only things your people have mastered
since you crawled from the primordial ooze.
(sips)
 
BETHANY
I work in an abortion clinic.
 
METATRON
(spits tequila into empty glass)
Moses was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And
no one's even asking you to part an ocean. All you
have to do is go to New Jersey.
 
BETHANY
New Jersey.
 
METATRON
Sure. Go to New Jersey and visit and small church
on a very important day. Agreed?
 
BETHANY
That doesn't sound like a crusade.
 
METATRON
As ide from the fine print, that's it.
 
BETHANY
What's the fine print?
 
METATRON
(mumbles into glass)
stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegating-
allexistence. Damn, this is good tequila.
(sips)
 
BETHANY
Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
 
METATRON
Damn, this is good tequila?
 
BETHANY
The first part.
 
METATRON
(spits into empty glass)
Details. Stop a couple of angels from entering
and thus negating all existence. God, I hate when
people need it spelled out for them.
 
BETHANY
Clarify that.
 
METATRON
That's the problem with you people - you need
every-thing clarified. No leaps of faith w hatsoever.
Alright - you want the whole secret origin? Here
goes: Back in the old days, God was vengeful and
hot-tempered, and his wrath was bore by the Angel
of Death - name of Loki. When Sodom and Gomorrah
were destroyed? That was Loki. When the waters wiped
out everything with the exception of Noah and his
menagerie? That was Loki. And he was good at what he
did. But one day, he refused to bear God's wrath any
longer.
 
BETHANY
Why?
 
METATRON
Because he listened to his friend - a Grigori by
the name of Bartleby.
 
BETHANY
Grigori?
 
METATRON
One of the choirs of angels. They're called Watchers.
Guess what they do?
 
BETHANY
So they're like Guardian angels?
 
METATRON
Exactly like that, but different. So one day,
Loki's wiping out all the first born of Egypt...
 
BETHANY
The Tenth Plague.
 
METATRON
See? Tell a person you're the Metatron and they
stare at you blankly; mention something out of a
Charlton Heston movie and they're suddenly
theology scholars. May I continue uninterrupted?
(Bethany nods)
So once he's done with the first born, Loki takes
his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter
drink. And over many rounds, they get into this
discussion about whether or not murder in the name
of God is okay. Now, Bartleby can run circles
around Loki intellectually, not to mention the
fact that Loki's more than half in the bag, and in
the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his
position and take a lesser one - one that doesn't
involve slaughter. So - very inebriated - Loki
tells God he quits: throws down his fiery sword,
gives him the finger - which ruins it for the rest
of us. because from that day forward, God decreed
that angels could no longer imbibe alcohol. Hence
all the spitting.
 
BETHANY
Sounds reasonable.
 
METATRON
Maybe to you, but I'm a lush by nature.
 
BETHANY
I mean about the angel of Death's resignation.
 
METATRON
For a liberal, yes, but this is the Angel
of Death we're talking about. The Angel of
Death can't be a conscientious objector.
The Angel of Death is charged with meting
out whatever justice God demands. So for
their insolence, God decreed that neither
Loki nor Bartleby would ever be allowed
back into Paradise.
 
BETHANY
Were they sent to Hell?
 
METATRON
Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of
human history. And when the world ends,
they'll sit outside the gates for eternity.
 
BETHANY
And what's this have to do with me?
 
METATRON
Somebody's clued them in to a loophole in
Catholic dogma that would allow them to
reenter Heaven.
 
BETHANY
So what? They beat the system. Good for them.
 
METATRON
It's not that simple. If they get in, they
will have reversed God's decree. Now listen
up because this part is very important:
existence in all it's form and splendor
functions solely on one principle: God is
infallible. To prove God wrong would undo
reality and everything that is. Up would
become down, black would become white,
existence would become nothingness. In essence
- if they are allowed to enter that church,
they'll unmake the world.
 
BETHANY
Are these guys that bitter?
 
METATRON
No, that's the stupid part: they have no idea
what their actions will result in. As far as
they know, they're just going home. Isn't that
sweet?
 
BETHANY
If this is so major, why are you talking to me?
Why doesn't God do something?
 
METATRON
He could. He could blink them out of existence,
destroy that church, turn them into plants. But
He'd rather see you take care of this one personally.
 
BETHANY
Why me?
 
METATRON
Because of who you are.
 
BETHANY
And who am I?
 
METATRON
The girl in the p.j.'s. Don't ask so many questions
just serve your purpose.
 
BETHANY
I'll pass.
 
METATRON
I beg your pardon?
 
BETHANY
When some asshole abortion doctor destroyed my
uterus - where was God? When my husband decided
he couldn't be with a wife that couldn't bear his
children - where was God? Now all the sudden,
after all these years of quiet noninvolvement in
my life, He sends one of His lackey's my way who
tells me I should save the world, and as what -
some sort of test? To Hell with Him.
 
METATRON
Do yourself a favor Bethany - do the world a favor:
let go of your petty crap. It's served you precious
little in the past, and it serves you even less now
when the fate of existence hangs in the balance.
Don't allow eons of history and life to get blinked
out of being just because you have a grudge against
your creator.
 
BETHANY
A grudge? Do you know why I work in that clinic?
It's my own private way of saying "fuck you" to God.
 
METATRON
And any other day I'd say that's your business and
your life, and enjoy yourself and goodnight. But this
isn't about you - this is about everybody. So you
lost the ability to make life. You're being offered
the chance to play mother to the world by acting
like one and protecting it - saving it.
(swigs her drink and spits it out)
But I can't make you. You'll do what you will.
However, if you should decide to stop being
selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't
be alone. You'll have support.
 
BETHANY
What, more angels?
 
METATRON
Prophets - although they don't quite get it yet.
You'll know them right away - one speaks, the other
listens. The one who speaks - and he will at great
lengths, whether you want him to or not - will make
mention of himself as a prophet. The other one
won't say anything, but he'll be helpful just the
same.
(looks at watch)
I have to go. You'll do what you will, but try to
remember that we're working in a time frame here.
 
Metatron moves to exit. 
 
BETHANY
(beat)
Hey.
(Metatron turns)
You work for God.
 
METATRON
They tell me it's God. If it's not, I'm going to
be severely pissed - what with all these years of
bossing people around on his behalf and
expectorating perfectly good tequila.
 
BETHANY
What's he like? God?
 
METATRON
(thinks)
Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor.
 
BETHANY
I'll bet.
 
METATRON
Look at sex. Sex is funny. One time I asked him
why you people had to look so stupid while
procreating. He said if you didn't, you'd do it
all the time, just for fun.
 
BETHANY
But we do.
 
METATRON
I know. And you all look so damn stupid doing it.
It kills us upstairs.
 
BETHANY
Sex is a joke in Heaven?
 
METATRON
The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down
here too.
 
And with that, Metatron is gone. Bethany looks at her drink. A three-man 
mariachi band surround her and begin playing Prince's 'Little Red Corvette'.
 
INT. BETHANY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 
Bethany startles awake. The radio on her night-table plays 'Little Red 
Corvette'. She lays back down. 
 
INT. BETHANY'S OFFICE - DAY 
Bethany sits at her desk, staring into space. A twenty-something girl speaks, 
but Bethany's not really listening. She's extremely preoccupied. 
 
INT. CLINIC - NIGHT 
Bethany shuts off the lights in the various rooms. She packs up her bag and 
turns on the alarm. 
 
EXT. CLINIC - NIGHT 
Bethany exits and locks the door behind her. She starts walking. 
As her feet tread lightly toward her car, three small shadows move toward her. 
Bethany throws her bag on her car roof and rummages through her purse for her 
keys. She hears something and stops. Roller blades can be heard moving slowly 
across the asphalt of the parking lot. Bethany turns quickly. 
Nobody's there. She looks around, a bit perturbed. 
 
BETHANY
(calling into the darkness)
God, what time do you people quit and go home?!
Let's just save it for tomorrow, alright?
 
There's no response. Then there's the noise of wood being tapped against the 
ground. Bethany peers into the darkness, looking for the source. 
Suddenly, a skater whips past her, slamming his stick into the back of her knee. 
Bethany goes down. Another skater whips in and slashes at her, but she ducks. 
The stick hits the car door above her. She rifles through her purse madly until 
another skater whips by, dragging her purse away with his stick. Bethany looks 
up. 
The Stygian Triplets are lined up menacingly, a few feet from her. They tap 
their hockey sticks in unison on the ground. Bethany jumps up and faces them 
defensively. The Triplets emit an unholy shriek and charge at her. 
And from out of nowhere, a large figure swoops down from above, landing on the 
ground between Bethany and her menaces. The Triplets stop short and regard the 
figure curiously. The large figure whips into a defensive stance, Batman-style. 
The Stygian Triplets look to one another. They shrug and charge anew. 
From behind the rock-still large figure, a smaller figure leaps into the 
streetlight, shrieking, flying through the air, busting into a flying kick. He 
lands before the middle Triplet and open-palm punches him twice in the face, 
grabbing his stick from the falling child's hand and tossing it into the air 
behind him. 
The stick sails through the night air and is snatched by the grip of the large 
figure, who twirls it under his arm, and then back out like a sai. He swings it 
out before him, knocking the other two Triplets off balance. The smaller figure 
back flips into the larger figure's arms a nd kicks his feet into the faces of 
the two wobbling Triplets. They go down, and the smaller figure leaps forward 
with a shriek, landing between the fallen pair, elbows into their backs. 
The first struck Triplet leaps out of the darkness at the large figure, 
screaming something unholy. The large figure catches the kid by the throat and 
quickly head butts him, tossing him to the side. The large figure sways for a 
beat and then shakes it off. 
The small figure collects the hockey sticks and throws them into the distance. 
He kicks at the fallen Triplets as they scurry away. 
 
SMALL FIGURE
(calling after them)
GO BACK TO YOUR PAPER ROUTES, YOU PUNK FUCKS!
(more to himself)
Snoogans.
 
The large figure saddles up beside the small figure. They look at one another 
and shake hands. 
 
SMALL FIGURE
Dude, I know they were just kids, but we kicked
their fucking asses!
 
Bethany stares, mystified. She grabs her purse from the ground. 
 
BETHANY
Where... where did you learn to do... that stuff?!
 
SMALL FIGURE
From this comic book some guys made about us.
Long story.
 
BETHANY
(beat)
I don't know what to say... or think.
 
The figures turn into the light, revealing the faces of the heroes for the first 
time - two very familiar faces. 
 
SMALL FIGURE
Say you'll offer us sex as a reward.
 
BETHANY
Who are you?
 
The large figure lights up a smoke. The small one extends his hand. 
 
SMALL FIGURE
Jay. And this is my business associate, Silent Bob.
 
BETHANY
Well thank you for being out here so late... Come
to think of it, what are you doing out here so late?
(freezes)
Wait a second are you protestors?
 
JAY
What's a protestor?
 
BETHANY
You're not with the Right-to-Lifer's?
 
JAY
You mean those fucks with the signs and pictures
of dead babies? Shit no. Me and Silent Bob are
pro-choice: a woman's body is her own fucking
business.
 
BETHANY
Then - I don't mean to sound ungrateful - but what
are you doing hanging around?
 
JAY
We're here to pick up chicks.
 
BETHANY
(a bit stunned)
Excuse me?
 
JAY
We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to
meet loose women. Why else would they be there
unless they like to fuck.
 
BETHANY
(taken aback)
Oh. Right. Well, I should be going. Thanks for
the rescue... I think.
 
JAY
(shocked)
Wait, wait, wait - we just saved your ass, and
you're just going to take off? What the shit is
that?
 
BETHANY
I had a weird night last night, and now tonight's
not shaping up to be any better. I think I should
go home, take some Percosets, and lay down.
(opens her car door)
 
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
How about that shit? Fuck this town, man - I'm
going back to Jersey and selling weed.
(they start walking)
At least there I can get turned down while trying
to make myself a profit.
 
Bethany freezes. Metatron's words echo in her ear. She shakes her head. 
 
BETHANY
(to herself)
You've gotta be kidding me.
(thinks for a beat; then) Hey! Wait!
 
She runs up to them. They whip around and raise their fists defensively. 
 
BETHANY
Sorry.
(beat)
Would you... I can't believe I'm doing this...
(inhales deeply)
Would you... like to have a drink with me?
 
Jay's face lights up. He punches Silent Bob in the arm. 
 
JAY
See?! I told you if we hung around outside that
place we'd get laid! Thank you!
(looking skyward)
Thank you, God!
 
INT. SEEDY GUN SHOP - NIGHT 
Various guns are laid out atop a glass case. 
 
OC SALESMAN
Now this piece is nice. It's not lightweight, but
one look at it and nobody - I mean nobody - is
going to fuck with you. Try it on.
 
Loki picks up the gun. Bartleby and the SALESMAN look at him. 
 
LOKI
It's a lot more compact than the flaming sword,
I'll say that much.
 
BARTLEBY
It's the weapon of choice these days.
 
LOKI
It seems unimpressive. At least the sword looked
intimidating. How can I strike fear into the hearts
of the wicked with this?
 
SALESMAN
Oh, I get it. You want to become a vigilante,
right? Like Batman or something.
 
LOKI
Batman never uses guns.
(off gun)
I don't know. It feels impersonal.
 
BARTLEBY
Then don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste
like Sodom and Gomorrah. Now that was something.
 
LOKI
Oh yeah, for you maybe. You got to stand there
and read. I had to do all the work.
 
BARTLEBY
What work? You lit a few fires.
 
LOKI
I rained down sulfur, man. There's a subtle
difference.
 
BARTLEBY
Sure.
 
LOKI
Are you kidding me? Any moron with a pack of matches
can start a fire. Raining down sulfur takes a huge
level of endurance. Mass genocide is the most
exhausting activity one can engage in, next to
soccer.
(to Salesman)
I'll take this one.
 
SALESMAN
Five seventy five to walk with it right now.
 
Loki starts sifting through his wallet. 
 
BARTLEBY
Soccer?
 
INT. DINER - NIGHT 
An English muffin is covered with a knife-full of jam. Bethany raises the bread 
to her mouth and takes a bite. She glances at the OC pair and stops chewing. 
Jay and Silent Bob study her intently. Jay smiles widely, anticipatory, and 
nods. 
All three sit at a small table near a window. Bethany puts the English muffin 
down and brushes off her hands. Jay's feet are moving a mile a minute. 
 
BETHANY
Are you both from around here?
 
JAY
I'm hard as hell.
 
BETHANY
Do you live in the city?
 
JAY
Do you have a friend for Silent Bob, or are you
going to do us both? If so, I'm first. I hate
sloppy seconds.
 
BETHANY
You're a man of principle. Where do you come from?
 
JAY
We used to live in a small town in Jersey. Real
small town. We practically knew everybody.
 
BETHANY
What brought you to McHenry?
 
JAY
Hollywood.
 
BETHANY
(beat)
Hollywood?
 
JAY
Oh yeah. See, we used to sell smoke in front of
this video store. And one day this fuck wants to
rent a video. So we did, only we didn't have any
place to watch it. So we went to the mall and
popped it into a VCR at Macy's and sat on the floor
and watched it. It was called 'Sixteen Candles'.
Did you ever see it?
 
BETHANY
Yes.
 
JAY
So the next day we rented 'The Breakfast Club',
and then 'Weird Science' where these two fucks
have a chick that'll do anything for them and they
don't do nothing because it's a PG movie. But then
we got thrown out of Macy's when we watched 'Pretty
in Pink', because of this bitch.
(points to Silent Bob)
 
BETHANY
(to Silent Bob)
What'd you do?
 
JAY
You know how at the end the red-headed bitch gets
together with her dream guy at the prom?
(Bethany nods)
Well pussy here starts fuckin' sobbing all sorts
of loud and shit. And the manager's like "Get the
hell out of here!" And I'm like "Fuck you, you
bald cocksucker! I'll kick your lard..
 
BETHANY
(speeding him along)
So what exactly brought you to Illinois?
 
JAY
Oh yeah. See, all these movies take place in a
town called Shermer, in Illinois. And there's all
this fine bush running around, and we could kick
all the dudes' asses because they're all whiney
pussies. Except Judd Nelson - he was harsh. But
best of all, there was no one selling weed. So I
says to Silent Bob "Man, we could live phat if we
were the blunt-connection in Shermer, Illinois!"
So we collected some cash we were owed, and caught
a bus. But when we got here, you know what we found
Out? There is no Shermer in Illinois. What kind
of shit is that?! Fucking movies are bullshit!
 
BETHANY
And now you live here?
 
JAY
Fuck that. This berg sucks. Everyone talks with a
stupid accent so you don't know what they're saying,
and it's too fuckin' cold. We were talking about
taking off. Until we met you, that is.
(kisses her hand)
 
BETHANY
(retracts her hand)
Right. So how much longer are you staying here?
 
JAY
Until you're ready to skip out and make with the
sex.
 
BETHANY
No. How long are you staying in McHenry?
 
JAY
We're leaving tomorrow.
 
BETHANY
Where are you going next?
 
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Jesus - this broad asks alot of questions.
(to Bethany)
Back to Jersey. We've been going straight for like
five years now. It's about time for us to retire
or something. Enjoy our salad years. No more
adventures.
 
BETHANY
I see.
(sips her coffee)
 
JAY
Yeah. So do you do anal? Is it true that chicks
fart if you blast them in the ass?
 
BETHANY
I didn't ask you out for sex.
 
JAY
I'll take head.
 
BETHANY
I don't know why, but...
(composes herself)
...I want to go with you.
 
JAY
What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend?
(shrugs to Silent Bob)
Alright, but Silent Bob has to live with us and
you pay the rent.
 
BETHANY
No, I want to go with you to New Jersey.
 
JAY
Really? You're the only chick I ever met that
wanted to go to Jersey. M ost chicks try to get out.
 
BETHANY
When can we leave?
 
JAY
Wait a second! What is this shit? Are we going
fuck or not?
 
BETHANY
You're going to lead me somewhere.
 
JAY
Me lead you? Lady, I don't even know where I am
half the time. If we're not going to fuck then what
the hell did you ask me out for?
 
BETHANY
Someone told me I'd meet you, and you'd take me
somewhere I was supposed to go. I didn't believe
it until you said that thing in the parking lot.
 
JAY
What the hell are you babbling about? All I know
is we saved your ass from some angry fucking dwarfs
and you promised us sex..
(to Silent Bob)
Didn't this crazy bitch promise us sex?
(to Bethany)
...and now you're telling me that I'm supposed to
take you somewhere, and you don't even know where
it is?
 
BETHANY
(beat)
Do you believe in God?
 
JAY
(horrified)
Holy shit - you're a Jehovah's Witness! All the fine
chicks that come out of that place, and we gotta
get the one Jesus freak!
(to Silent Bob, getting up)
Let's go...
 
BETHANY
(grabbing his sleeve)
No. wait...
 
JAY
(pulling back)
I'll scream rape.
 
BETHANY
I can pay you.
 
JAY
(quickly sitting back down)
Pay?
 
BETHANY
For being my guide. You were going to leave anyway;
all I'm asking is to tag along and see where it
leads. I'll pay a hundred bucks and all expenses.
 
JAY
(thinks; to Silent Bob)
I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and
she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked up bar.
(to Bethany)
What about sex?
 
BETHANY
No sex.
 
JAY
Alright, but let's say we're caught in a situation
where we've got like five minutes to live, like a
bomb or something is gonna go off - would you fuck
us then?
 
BETHANY
In that highly unlikely situation?
(beat)
Yeah, sure.
 
JAY
Yeah? You slut. Noonch.
(to Silent Bob)
What do you think?
 
Silent Bob shrugs. Jay stands up.
 
JAY
Alright. But I'll drive.
 
EXT. MAIN HIGHWAY - NIGHT 
Bethany's car roars overhead, speeding down the road, revving awfully loudly. 
 
INT. BETHANY'S CAR - NIGHT 
The speedometer reads ninety-five. 
Jay drives, eyes glued to the road, happy as hell. Silent Bob smokes to his 
right. Bethany sits pinned against the back seat, wearing an uncomfortable and 
dubious look. She struggles to lean forward. The engine still races. 
 
BETHANY
(yelling over engine noise)
What gear are you in?
 
JAY
(not looking back)
Gear?
 
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT 
Jay, Silent Bob, and Bethany sit on and against the car. The hood is open and 
smoke billows out. 
 
JAY
(defensively)
Well what do I know from shifting?! Like I ever
drove before!
 
Silent Bob shrugs and smokes. Bethany walks away, shaking her head. 
 
JAY
Chicks.
 
Silent Bob nods and extracts a tool from his jacket. He begins working on the 
engine as a cross-country bus races by. 
 
INT. BUS - NIGHT 
Bartleby and Loki sit in the back. Bartleby reads a map and Loki stares at the 
gun in his lap. A COUPLE makes out in the seat in front of them.
 
BARTLEBY
We have to pass through three more states to get
to New Jersey: Indiana, Ohio, and Pennsylvania.
 
LOKI
With a very important stop in Cleveland.
 
BARTLEBY
Oh right. The Angel of Death Returns. Sounds like
a bad movie.
 
LOKI
Movies are bullshit. And don't start with me,
alright. The last time you bugged me about my job,
you got us sentenced to life in Wisconsin.
(looks out window)
All this time we've been down here, why didn't we
ever leave the Cheese?
 
BARTLEBY
He said to stay where he put us. We feared worse
punishment if we disobeyed Him again.
 
LOKI
Where were we afraid He'd send us?
 
BARTLEBY
New Jersey.
 
LOKI
Now that, my friend, is irony.
 
BARTLEBY
(beat)
You know, maybe you're wrong about this slaughter.
How can you even be sure of what incurs the Lord's
wrath these days? Times change. Remember when
eating meat on Friday was supposed to be a
Hellworthy tresspass? Or when people weren't even
supposed to shop on Sundays?
 
LOKI
That stuff was small potatoes. The major sins never
change. And believe me - I can spot a commandment
breaker a mile away.
 
BARTLEBY
Sure.
 
LOKI
You don't believe me?
(looks around; eyes fall on kissing couple)
There. There's one.
 
BARTLEBY
(off couple)
So what? They're kissing.
 
LOKI
Adultery.
 
BARTLEBY
That's a stretch. How do you know they're not
dating?
 
LOKI
You'd know better than me - let's hear it.
 
BARTLEBY
Oh, I know the truth. But let's see how boned up
on the job you really are.
 
LOKI
A test?
 
BARTLEBY
Of sorts. So what's your proof?
 
LOKI
He's wearing a wedding band.
 
BARTLEBY
So? Maybe that's his wife.
 
LOKI
No married man kisses his wife like that. You get
married and the passion dies, man. Don't you ever
watch talk shows?
 
BARTLEBY
What are you talking about?
 
LOKI
A guy makes his best plays when wooing. When the
object of his desire is won, there's no need to
expend the effort anymore. He relaxes, satisfied
with the spoils of victory, which he then decides
isn't so victorious because he's saddled with a
life-mate.
 
BARTLEBY
Very romantic sentiment.
 
LOKI
That's the problem - romance. You think about it:
back in the old days, nobody got married out of
quote, unquote, love. People married for property,
dowries, or to procreate - to immortalize oneself
through offspring. When did all this love stuff
start? What the hell happened to the status quo?
 
BARTLEBY
The Troubadors.
 
LOKI
Lionel Richie's old group?
 
BARTLEBY
No, that's the Commodores. The Troubadors were
wandering minstrels and dramatists that sang
melodramatic and sappy songs of undying love.
 
LOKI
Sounds like the Commodores.
 
BARTLEBY
The Troubadors made 'love' fashionable. And their
influence altered the balance in a significant
fashion. Until them, people got married because
they had to. After them, people started 'falling
in love'. Romantic courtships became the norm.
What started out as simple entertainment made such
a dramatic impact as to forever alter the way
society operates.
 
LOKI
That's human beings for you - easily misled. From
the Garden of Eden to the 'Thigh Master' - they
believe what they're told. I'm telling you - one
day they're all going to watch one too many John
Hughes flicks and start looking for Shermer,
Illinois.
 
BARTLEBY
Be fair. Humans are dumb, but not that dumb.
(off couple)
So is it adultery or not?
 
LOKI
(thinks; to couple)
Excuse me.
 
The Couple stops kissing. The MAN looks at Loki. 
 
LOKI
Are you married?
 
MAN
(puzzled)
Why?
 
LOKI
Just curious.
 
MAN
(holds up ring finger)
What do you think?
 
The Man shakes his head and goes back to kissing. Bartleby offers Loki a 
'Satisfied?' expression. Loki taps the Man on the shoulder.
 
MAN
(breaks kiss; pissed)
What?!
 
LOKI
To her?
 
MAN
What?
 
LOKI
Are you married to her?
 
MAN
Not that it's any of your fucking business, but
no! Why?!
 
Loki looks at Bartleby. Bartleby rolls his eyes. Loki calmly shoots the man in 
the head. Screaming ensues. 
 
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT 
The bus skids to a halt. People flock off in a panic. scattering. After a beat, 
Bartleby and Loki deboard and stand there alone. 
 
BARTLEBY
You're such an asshole.
 
LOKI
Don't blame me, man. Blame the Commodores.
 
BARTLEBY
Troubadors.
 
EXT. ROADSIDE OF HIGHWAY - DAWN 
Silent Bob still tools around under the hood, Jay hands him various wrenches. 
Bethany steams off to the side. 
 
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
She's pissed, dude. She'll never fuck us now.
Well, maybe you, but definitely not me.
(beat)
Let me know how she is.
 
BETHANY
(turns on him)
Nobody is fucking me! You got that?!
 
JAY
At least not in this car.
 
BETHANY
(sighs)
I'm sorry I dragged you to that diner. I don't
know what I was thinking. But being that I've
decided to go home and not to New Jersey, this is
where you two get off.
 
JAY
You're breaking up with us?
 
BETHANY
Good luck with finding Molly Ringwald, or whoever
it is you're looking for. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Good bye.
 
Bethany starts walking away. Jay stares at her, shocked. 
 
JAY
(to Bethany)
Who the hell do you think you are, lady? You can't
go around breaking people's hearts li ke that! We
fell in love with you! Guys like us don't just
fall out of the sky, you know!
 
On cue, a naked black MAN falls from the sky, landing between the two parties. 
Bethany and Jay stare at him. The Man is face down, sooty, and ashen - as if 
he's just been in a fire. Bethany drops to her knees and rolls him over, feeling 
for a pulse. Jay looks down, then looks skyward as Silent Bob joins him. 
 
JAY
(yelling up)
A beautiful, naked woman doesn't just fall from
the sky, you know?!
(beat; to Silent Bob)
Was worth a try.
 
Silent Bob nods. Bethany presses her ear to the man's chest. 
 
BETHANY
No heartbeat.
 
JAY
Do you think he fell from a plane? Like 'Alive'?
Did you ever see that flick?
 
BETHANY
(starts CPR'ing him)
I think there would have been more of a mess if
he fell from that high.
 
MAN
Not necessarily.
 
Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob leap back. The man sits up and rubs his face. 
 
JAY
KILL IT!! KILL IT!!
 
MAN
That sounds familiar.
 
BETHANY
Jesus, are you okay?
 
MAN
Rufus. And yes, I'm fine.
 
JAY
He's the fuckin' undead!! Cut his head off!!
 
RUFUS
(getting up with Bethany's help)
What happened to your car? You clock ninety in
first gear or something?
 
JAY
Mind your own fucking business!
 
RUFUS
(to Jay)
Listen, goldie-locks, what I just did was not
easy and it gave me a fucking migraine. Now if you
don't pipe down, I'm going to rip your balls off.
 
JAY
(hiding behind Silent Bob)
I knew it! Mother fucker wants to eat my brain!
 
BETHANY
I think he was aiming a bit further south.
(to Rufus)
Speaking of which, you're awfully nude - Rufus,
is it?
 
RUFUS
Rufus it is, Miss.
(to Silent Bob)
Hey, tubby... how's about lending a brother your
coat 'till I can find my own threads?
 
Jay looks at Silent Bob. 
 
JAY
Dude, he fell out of thin air!
 
Silent Bob shrugs and passes his coat to Rufus. Jay bugs. 
 
JAY
Dude, his dick is gonna be rubbing all over the
inside of your armor!
 
RUFUS
(to Silent Bob)
I'll do my best to tuck it back, brother.
 
Silent Bob nods. Something OC catches his eye. He stares OC and exits. 
 
BETHANY
Where exactly did you fall from?
 
RUFUS
Some might say grace.
 
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Dude, he's talking about your mom.
 
Jay turns to see that Silent Bob isn't there. 
Silent Bob peers at a large bush at the road side. The bush rustles slightly. 
 
OC BETHANY
You know, normally I'd have a hard time with this,
but somehow you falling out of the sky seems to go
hand in glove with some of the other stuff I've
been dealing with.
 
OC RUFUS
Believe me - you ain't seen nothing yet.
 
Silent Bob peers closer at the bush. Suddenly - a Stygian Triplet leaps out at 
him, pinning him to the ground with his hockey stick. 
The other two Triplets leap on top of Jay and BETHANY 
Rufus grabs the one off Bethany and hurls him to the side. 
Jay manages to reach into his jacket and pull out a copy of Penthouse. He rolls 
it up and starts beating the kid in the head with it. 
Silent Bob gets his hands under the stick that pins him and pushes it up hard, 
into the Triplet's forehead, knocking him off. He rushes to Jay's side and plies 
the other Triplet from his throat, hurling him OC. 
The Triplet Silent Bob fought 'punctures' the air with his stick and rips 
downward, creating a 'hole'. He grabs his friend and leaps into it, 
disappearing. 
Jay and Silent Bob look at each other, blink, and embrace passionately. 
The Triplet that Rufus threw rushes Rufus from behind - hockey stick in lancing 
position. Without looking back, Rufus reaches behind himself, grabbing the stick 
and swinging it (and the Triplet) over his head in an arch, letting go. The last 
Triplet goes sailing through the 'hole', and it seals shut. 
Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob are in various wide-eyed states of shock. 
 
JAY
Alright - what's with you, lady?! That's the
second time you got attacked by the fucking Mighty
Ducks!
 
RUFUS
(wiping off hands)
Man, they're onto you bad, already. I got here
just in time.
 
BETHANY
How can you be so composed? We were almost killed.
 
RUFUS
Death is a worry of the living. The dead only
worry about decay and necrophiliacs.
 
JAY
See! I told you he was the undead!
 
RUFUS
Not the undead, the dead. I died. Christ told me
the secret to resurrection once when we were at
a wedding in Canna, but I got drunk and forgot it.
 
BETHANY
(incredulous)
Wait. wait, wait - Christ? You knew Christ?
 
RUFUS
Knew him? I saw him naked.
 
BETHANY
Let me guess - you're another angel?
 
RUFUS
No, I'm a man - just like you and him.
(looks at Jay)
Well, maybe not like him. At least I was a man.
Been dead for nearly two thousand years. Here.
(pulls rolled up paper from behind his ear)
 
JAY
No wonder he saw Jesus - homey's rockin' the ganj.
 
BETHANY
(unrolling it)
It's not a joint.
(looks at it)
I can't read this.
 
RUFUS
It's Sanskrit. It says "Rufus - see you in two
Years, Jesus." Freaked me out because he basically
told me when my number was up. Took the flavor out
of the remaining years. Look, we gotta keep moving.
If we stay in one place long enough, those things
are liable to come back. What say we continue this
discussion over something to eat?
 
BETHANY
(snaps)
WAIT A SECOND!
(inhales deeply)
I'm a rational woman, okay. All I want to know is
where you, and those... kids came from?!
 
RUFUS
They came from Hell. I came from Heaven.
(walking away)
Let's start walking.
 
JAY
Walk? Do you know how far we are from anywhere?
 
RUFUS
Back in the old days with J.C., we walked everywhere.
Did you ever hear of a fat apostle?
(exits)
 
Bethany looks to Jay and Silent Bob for some guidance or stability. 
 
JAY
What's an apostle?
 
Bethany shakes her head and exits. Jay and Silent Bob shrug at each other. 
 
EXT. MOOBY CORP. BUILDING - DAWN 
A large office building in downtown Cleveland. The city hasn't started up yet. A 
pickup truck pulls curbside in front of the structure. Bartleby and Loki jump 
out of the back and pat the side of the truck. offering waved thank-you's to the 
driver. As the truck pulls away, Loki pulls out the article and looks at it. He 
looks up at the building and nods to Bartleby, smiling. They head toward the 
front doors. 
 
INT. QUAINT SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAWN 
A ringing phone is answered by the unseen figure in the chair. We move from the 
seated Figure, passing by the dead bodies of the home's original owners, and 
come to a stop on the bruised and worn Stygian Triplets seated on a couch. They 
look scared. 
 
FIGURE
Hello?... No, they're not in right now... I'm the
phone guy... I'll leave them a message... Bye.
 
The Figure hangs up the phone and rises. 
 
FIGURE
You say the girl has already met the prophets?
 
The Stygian Triplets nod. 
 
FIGURE
She grows closer to learning her true identity.
If that happens, our plan is jeopardized. I can't
afford to go into the field - that might compromise
us further. The best course of action is to insure
that our parcel is not found. And being that I
can't even trust you enough to kill a girl, I'm
left with no choice but to seek outside assistance
in guarding our package.
(sighs)
I'm going to have to summon the Golgothan.
 
The Figure exits. The Stygian Triplets register shock. 
 
EXT. FAST FOOD JOINT. - DAWN 
Rufus - now wearing some funky new clothes - carries a tray of fast food to an 
outdoor table. Sitting already are Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob. 
 
RUFUS
(off new clothes)
It's amazing the shit people throw out. Didn't I
tell you I'd find some threads?
 
A car full of teens whip past them. 
 
TEEN
(yelling from passing car)
GARBAGE PICKER!
 
RUFUS
(waves to them)
Thank you.
(to group)
What's that mean?
 
JAY
It means they saw you pull that shit out of that
dumpster.
 
RUFUS
So it's a good thing, then.
(handing coat back to Silent Bob)
I appreciate the loan, brother. You can have this
back.
 
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Lucky you.
 
RUFUS
(off food)
Damn, I remember when all we used to have for
breakfast was fish and goat's milk. What do you
call this shit?
 
BETHANY
(to Rufus)
Egg McMuffin. Now how about you start explaining
some things to me.
 
RUFUS
Like what?
 
BETHANY
Like - for starters - who the hell are those kids
that keep attacking me?
 
RUFUS
Nasty little bastards called the Stygian Triplets.
They're not really related. When they were alive
they were a trio of kids that snatched a neighbor's
toddler and smashed it's skull in - "just to see
what it looked like" I believe was their defense.
They were killed in a car wreck on the way to a
detention center.
 
BETHANY
So they're dead too?
 
RUFUS
You'd be surprised how many dead people are just
walking around - we're stubborn bastards. Thing
is, those kids are supposed to be in Hell. Which
means that someone wants you out of the picture
so badly they're willing to summon demons.
 
BETHANY
Is it those two angels I'm supposed to stop?
 
RUFUS
Couldn't be. They're not evil - they're just stupid.
 
JAY
(to Bethany)
Wait a minute - are you going to listen to this
shit? We don't even know who this guy is. For all
you know, he's in with those fucks. They both
showed up at the same time.
 
BETHANY
I hate to say it - but he does have a point. How
did you know where to find us?
 
RUFUS
You know what the dead do with most of their time?
They watch the living. Especially in the shower.
 
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
I can't wait to die.
 
BETHANY
And why are you watching me?
 
RUFUS
Because you're the one who's going to help me get
some changes made in that book you all hold so
much stock in.
 
JAY
Hustler?
 
RUFUS
The Bible.
 
BETHANY
What's your beef with the Bible?
 
RUFUS
I'm not in it.
 
JAY
Neither are any of us, but you don't hear us
bitching.
 
RUFUS
But I'm supposed to be in it. I was the Thirteenth
Apostle.
 
BETHANY
I've been going to church my entire life and I've
never heard of a thirteenth apostle named Rufus.
 
RUFUS
See? You know all about the other twelve Apostles
- white boys, I might add. But no mention of Rufus.
And why? Cause I'm a black man. But that's just my
pet peeve. I mainly want to correct a major error
that you people are basing a faith on.
 
BETHANY
What's that?
 
RUFUS
Jesus wasn't white; He was black.
 
Rufus bites into his sandwich. Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob look at him and then 
each other. 
 
JAY
Bullshit. I've seen pictures of Jesus, and He has
blonde hair and blue eyes.
 
RUFUS
(wiping hands)
That's what's particularly insulting. Between the
time when He established the faith and the church
started to officially organize, the powers-that-be
deci ded that while the message of Christ was integral,
the fact that He was black was a detriment. So all
renderings were ordered to be Eurocentric, even though
the brother was blacker than Jesse.
 
BETHANY
If that's true, then why'd He get written about
while you were left out?
 
RUFUS
Well He is the Son of God, right? It's kind of
hard to have the New Testament without him. So
you fudge a few facts and put a spin on His ethnicity.
Leaving me out's okay because there's still Twelve
apostles to choose from.
 
JAY
I don't buy it.
 
RUFUS
That's what the good people of Antioch were saying
when they stoned my ass.
 
BETHANY
You were martyred?
 
RUFUS
That's one way of putting it. Another way is to say
I was bludgeoned to shit by big rocks. See - Christ
told us Apostles to go out into the world and spread
His word. Antioch was already garnering a big
Christian following, so I got sent there. And was
a big hit. They loved hearing about Jesus' message,
and how He was the Redeemer. But when I mentioned
He was black, the whole town turned on me - called
me a liar and shit. I pressed the point, and before
I know it, I'm wearing stones - although not to
accessorize.
 
BETHANY
Why didn't you just let the point go when you saw
how they were reacting?
 
RUFUS
Because it's part of the facts. White folks only
want to hear the good shit: life eternal, a place
in God's kingdom. As soon as they hear they're
getting all this from a black Jesus, they freak.
And that - my friends - is called Hypocrisy. Folks
just can't accept a black Savior.
(to Silent Bob)
You going to eat that hash brown?
 
BETHANY
So you went to Heaven?
 
RUFUS
Shit yeah; it was the least the brother could do.
I gave up my sheep and followed His ass around
Jerusalem for three years. And in all that time,
did I ever get laid? Hell no! But I didn't bitch,
because I was into His message. And while the
message is what counts, folks should know that He
was black. That's why I'm going to help you find
stop those angels from getting to that church in
exchange for you helping me with my campaign.
 
BETHANY
How do you know about that?
 
RUFUS
Heaven's a pretty boring place, and anything that
breaks the tedium is news. The unmaking of existence
is what you might consider a great tedium-breaker.
Besides, there isn't much I don't know about you.
 
BETHANY
I find that hard to believe.
 
RUFUS
When you were five you let a kid from next door
piss on your hand.
 
JAY
(shocked)
You did that?
 
BETHANY
Yeah... but I never told anyone about it.
 
RUFUS
Neither did he. He died of Leukemia two years later.
His name was...
 
BETHANY
...Bryan Johnson.
 
RUFUS
Your exploits - no matter how inane - are well-
known in Heaven. Probably in Hell, too.
 
Bethany rubs her temples and exits OC. Rufus watches her go. 
 
JAY
(intrigued)
Tell me something about me.
 
RUFUS
(preoccupied with the OC Bethany)
You masturbate more than anybody else on the
planet.
 
JAY
Shit, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody
knows.
 
RUFUS
You think about guys when you do it.
 
Rufus gets up and exits. Silent Bob looks at Jay, shocked. 
 
JAY
Not all the time!
 
Bethany sits on a swing in the kiddy-jungle gym, shaking her head. Rufus joins 
her. 
 
RUFUS
I'm sorry if I spooked you.
 
BETHANY
I just feel... violated. Like my life isn't mine
exclusively.
 
RUFUS
That's the way it goes with celebrities.
 
BETHANY
What are you talking about? I'm a nobody. I'm just
a quiet girl from the suburbs who counsels pregnant
teens.
 
RUFUS
You sound like Christ. He had the same reaction
when He found out who He was, minus the quiet
girl from the 'burbs angle. And like Him, I'm
sure you'll come to terms and do what you're
supposed to.
 
BETHANY
Why not get the pope or someone holy like that?
 
RUFUS
Just because a guy wears a funny hat, doesn't make
him the right man for the job. Only certain hands
can deliver the world from the brink of destruction.
last time it was Jesus - this time it's you.
 
BETHANY
Why me?
 
RUFUS
Can't say yet. But the question is - are your hands
capable enough to carry the burden. It all rides
on you.
 
BETHANY
(rubbing her temples)
Two thirds of me wants to forget about this and
go home. You know, yesterday I wasn't sure God even
existed. And now I'm up to my ass in Christian
Mythology.
 
RUFUS
God hates it when it's referred to as Mythology.
 
BETHANY
Well then let's ask the quote, unquote 'prophets'
what we should call it instead.
(looking OC; concerned)
Now where did those two assholes go?
 
INT.. STRIP JOINT. 
It's your typical strip club. One woman on a stage and a crowd of men paying 
way-too-much attention. The place is dimly lit with red lights and chock full of 
smoke. Off to one side, a dee-jay spins records, blasting the music. The crowd 
is rather thin. 
Jay and Silent Bob sit at the stage. their eyes glued on... 
The DANCER - a gorgeous, shapely vixen with very little clothing on, and growing 
littler by the second. 
Jay pokes Silent Bob, who produces a wad of bills. They skim off a nice pile and 
stow the rest. They spread their piles neatly on the bar. The Dancer smiles and 
starts dancing toward them. Jay holds up a five-spot and performs his own little 
seductive dance with it. He stands at the edge of the stage, gyrating. The 
Dancer slinks over and Jay stuffs the five in her G-string. She rubs his head 
and slinks away. Jay humps Silent Bob's chair, excitedly. Bethany and Rufus come 
up from behind them. Bethany hits Jay. 
 
BETHANY
(shouting above the music)
What are you doing?
 
JAY
Proving to this bastard that I ain't gay.
 
BETHANY
What?
 
RUFUS
Long story - forget it. But we should get moving.
How can we get to New Jersey?
 
BETHANY
I had a car.
 
She slaps Jay upside the head, but - riveted by the Dancer - he doesn't feel it. 

 
BETHANY
(to Rufus)
We could go by train.
 
RUFUS
(looking OC)
Sounds cool.
 
BETHANY
There's a phone out there. I'll call for
reservations.
 
Rufus is now also riveted by a table dancer off to the side. 
 
BETHANY
No, it's okay. I can handle it.
 
Rufus half-nods. Bethany shakes her head and exits. 
The Dancer gyrates on the stage, revealing more and more of herself. 
Jay pounds on the stage, hoots, and dances, flashing more bills. 
ACROSS THE STAGE a small GANG of bandanna-wearing, angry-looking blacks watch 
the OC Jay with little amusement. The Dancer dances toward them. 
 
JAY
(banging on stage)
Sweet thing!
(Hashes another five)
Look what I found! Snoog!
 
The Dancer smiles as she approaches Jay, but is interrupted by more banging. 
The GANG LEADER has his foot on the stage. He produces a ten dollar bill from 
his jacket and casually holds it up. The other three members of his posse smile 
and slap hands. 
The Dancer shrugs at the shocked Jay and changes direction, heading toward the 
Gang. Jay casts a horrified look at Silent Bob. 
The Gang Leader leans forward, preparing to tip when we hear an obnoxiously loud 
throat clearing. 
Jay holds aloft a twenty, smiling and nodding. 
The Dancer shrugs at the Gang Leader and again switches direction. The Gang 
Leader looks at his posse, who shake their heads at him, disappointedly. 
The Stage becomes a bidding table, as - on one side - the Gang Leader produces 
two twenties. On the other side, jay - staring at the Gang Leader - produces 
three twenties. The Gang Leader hits his posse up for more cash. Jay hits Silent 
Bob up for more cash. The Dancer stays in the middle, gyrating and sizing up the 
best offer. 
Jay then produces the creme de la creme: three hundred dollar bills. He sneers 
at the OC Gang Leader. The Dancer heads over to jay and wraps her legs around 
him from the stage, gyrating against his groin. Jay stares at the Gang Leader, a 
victorious smirk on his face. 
The Gang Leader shakes his head angrily and jumps out of his seat, producing a 
gun from his jacket. He fires into the ceiling. The music scratches to a halt 
and the other viewers scatter toward the door. The Gang Leader points his piece 
at Jay, his posse backing him up. 
 
GANG LEADER
You a smart ass, ain'tcha, white b oy? Come in here
and ruin my good time.
 
JAY
It's a free country. The bitch just came to the
man with the most.
 
DANCER
Bitch?
 
JAY
No offense, baby.
 
GANG LEADER
The bitch is gonna be leaving with the man with
the most - the man with the most led in his piece.
While you and tubby are leaving with the most led
in your dead fucking carcasses, know what I'm sayin'?
 
JAY
(to Dancer)
Step to the side, baby. I've gotta slap this pussy
ass, Nino Brown wanna-be down.
 
DANCER
(to Gang Leader)
Come on, Kane. This isn't necessary.
 
GANG LEADER
Shut the fuck up and back away from the midget!
 
The Dancer moves to the side. 
 
GANG LEADER
(to Jay)
Now I believe you were about to apologize. I believe
you were about to intone some pleas for mercy.
You were about to say "Please, Mister Kane, I didn't
mean to disrespect you in your club. Please accept
my most humble apology."
 
Bethany comes back and sees the mess. She moves to rush to Jay's side, but Rufus 
holds her back An OC Jay laughs. 
Jay leans on Silent Bob, laughing. The Gang stares back, angrily. 
 
JAY
You want an apology?
 
GANG LEADER
(cocks gun)
Give me at least one "I'm sorry," and I'll put a
kill shot through that thick fucking skull of
yours. Otherwise we go slow and long in the pain
dispensation.
 
JAY
(beat; zips jacket closed)
Know what I'm doing?
 
GANG LEADER
No. What you doing?
 
JAY
I'm closing my jacket, so that when we start this
up, I don't get your filthy fucking brain guts
all over my shirt. You know why?
 
GANG LEADER
Why?
 
JAY
Because you can't get shit stains out of flannel.
What I'm saying is that you got shit for brains. 
 
The Gang Leader and his posse stare silently for a moment. 
 
GANG LEADER
Well I appreciate you breaking that down for me,
but I got it without the explanation.
 
JAY
No. No, I don't think you did get it. See, there's
gonna be some nine's firing in here, and when the
bullets stop flyin', your cunt-lip ass is gonna be
all holes and smoke. You think you can draw on me
and walk away? Fuck that. And fuck you - you
punk-ass monkey bitch! Yeah, I called you a monkey!
Maybe if you kiss my dick all nice before I cap
you, I'll bring a coconut to your funeral and lay
it on your grave; stick a straw through it and
stick the other end in the ground. Your lips'll
reach.
 
The Gang stares, mystified. Rufus and Bethany can't move they're so frightened. 
 
JAY
You think every white boy cowers at your ass? Shit,
if I don't fucking plant you - watermelon - my
muscle here will.
(thumbs at Silent Bob)
What do you think he is? My boy friend? I love
chicks. So he's gotta be with me for one reason:
to watch my back. Silent Bob doesn't talk in words
- he speaks in bullets. Re's all quiet cause he's
thinking about how he's gonna take you and your
bitches out quick enough to piss on the bullets
in your bodies before they cool down. You know why?
Because he likes to see the hot steam coming off
them when he sprays them down. Come to think of
it, I'm tired of talking to your dumb ass; you
probably don't even understand big words like
'piss'. Tell you what - I'll let him explain it
to you.
(to Silent Bob)
Silent Bob - shoot these punk-monkey bitches.
 
Silent Bob slowly raises his hands in a surrender fashion. Jay looks at him. 
 
JAY
What are you waiting for?!
 
Silent Bob shrugs. 
 
JAY
(flabbergasted)
YOU DON'T HAVE A GUN?!?
 
Silent Bob kind of nods 
 
JAY
(shocked)
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN? ALL THIS TIME WE'VE
BEEN TOGETHER, AND YOU DON'T HAVE A GUN?!?
 
Silent Bob indicates the negative, sheepishly. 
 
JAY
THAT'S JUST FUCKING GREAT! DO YOU THINK I WOULD'VE
SAID ALL THAT IF I'D KNOWN YOU DIDN'T HAVE A GUN?!?
(beat)
HUNHH?!?
 
Silent Bob raises his eyebrows remorsefully. The Gang snickers and smiles. 
 
GANG LEADER
What was that about a coconut?
 
Jay shakes his head and glowers at Silent Bob. 
 
JAY
No gun! What the fuck kind of muscle are you?! All
this time and you got no gun!
 
GANG LEADER
Oh boys! We have some unfinished business here.
 
JAY
(sheepishly)
Can we talk this over?
 
GANG LEADER
Tell you what - you got thirty seconds. Then I cap
you. Talk all you like.
 
Bethany goes to make a move, but Rufus holds her back, shaking his head. He puts 
a finger to his lips to quiet her and points back toward the action, smiling. 
Jay fumes. 
 
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
I can't believe you.
(to Gang Leader)
Do me a favor.
(points to Silent Bob)
Shoot this piece of shit first.
(to Silent Bob; disgusted)
No gun!
 
Suddenly, they both snap into a momentary trance. Zombie-like, Jay and Silent 
Bob step to the turntables behind them. Jay puts on headphones and begins 
scratching a record. A familiar tune begins. 
The Gang watches, perplexed. 
Silent Bob whips around, microphone in his hand, and begins to sing. 
 
SILENT BOB
HEY, HEY, HEY!!! IT'S FAT ALBERT!
AND I'M GONNA SING A SONG FOR YOU!!
AND BILL'S GONNA TELL YOU A THING OR TWO!!
WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN, NOW!
WITH BILL AND ALL THE GANG!
LEARNING FROM EACH OTHER -
WHILE WE DO OUR THANG!
 
The Gang slowly goes from perplexity to enjoyment. The Gang Leader softens and 
smiles, adding a slight nod of approval. Jay provides back-up. 
 
JAY
NA , NA, NA! GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME!
 
SILENT BOB
(as Fat Albert)
HEY! HEY! HEY!
 
JAY
NA. NA. NA! GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME!
 
Bethany and Rufus look on. amazed. 
 
RUFUS
I thought she looked familiar.
 
BETHANY
Who?
 
RUFUS
(he nods toward the stage)
Serendipity.
 
Bethany looks to the stage. 
The Dancer is the SERENDIPITY in question. She wipes sweat from her brow. 
 
INT.. MOOBY CORP. BOARDROOM - DAY 
Oh, this isn't your standard boardroom; this is Mooby Corp., home of Mooby, the 
Golden Calf - which can only be described as a bovine variation on Barney: 
sickeningly simple and very non-threatening. A large table sits in the middle, a 
media center behind the huge chair at the head. The walls are adorned with 
framed posters of Mooby, playing with kids, mouth agape in a stupid smile. At 
the center of the table is a large, gold plated statue of the insipid creature. 
Doors open and the boardroom fills with suits - six men, one woman. They chatter 
and take their seats. After a beat, WHITLAND, the CEO, enters, taking his place 
at the head of the conference table. 
 
WHITLAND
Good morning, shoppers.
(slaps a file on table)
Has anyone seen the over-night's?
 
An anticipatory hush fills the room. 
 
WHITLAND
We creamed 'em.
 
A cheer and applause goes up from the group. Whitland smiles. 
 
WHITLAND
(reading from file)
And last night was a rerun, which says to me that
with the six months we have to ready and promote
the 'Very Mooby Christmas' pay-per-view special,
we can produce history-making numbers. The record
is held by that shock-jock's New Year's thing, but
I see no reason why our little cash cow can't
supercede those numbers and...
(stops and sniffs the air)
Do I smell onions?
 
Bartleby and Loki sit behind the thrall on a black leather couch. Loki is 
carving something out of an onion, while Bartleby looks on. 
Whitland and the rest of the board stare at them. 
 
WHITLAND
I didn't realize we had guests. Who are these
gentlemen with?
 
The other suits shrug and look to one another for an answer nobody has. 
 
WHITLAND
(to Bartleby and Loki)
Excuse me.
 
Loki continues carving. Bartleby looks at his friend and shakes his head. Loki 
lifts his head without looking up. 
 
LOKI
(very distracted)
Hmm?
 
WHITLAND
May I ask what you're doing in my boardroom?
 
LOKI
(still preoccupied)
My friend just has a few words for you, and then
we'll be on our way. Heading to Jersey, you see.
Now - by the decor, I assume I'm guessing correctly
that this is the corporate headquarters for Mooby
Productions International?
 
WHITLAND
You guess correctly. Now, may I ask who the fuck
you are and - again - what the fuck you're doing
in our conference room?
 
LOKI
(to Bartleby, still not looking up)
You may proceed, mon ami'.
 
BARTLEBY
I can't believe you.
(to Whitland)
I just want to start off by apologizing. My friend
here has a penchant toward the dramatic, so he's
making me do this. Usually, I don't even involve
myself in his affairs, but he hasn't done this in
awhile, so he wants...
 
LOKI
(frustrated)
Just read 'em their rights already.
 
BARTLEBY
(sighs; circling the table)
Mooby, the Golden Calf. Created by Nancy Goidruff
- a former kindergarten teacher - in nineteen
eighty nine to fill a gap in the Saturday morning
schedule on local network K-REL. Bought by the
Complex Corporation in nineteen ninety one and
broadcast nationally as the 'The Mooby Fun-Time
Hour', it picked up a large following of children,
ages three to eight, and spawns sixteen records,
two theatrical films, eight prime-time specials,
a library of priced-to-own video cassettes, and
bicoastal theme parks dubbed 'MoobyWorld'.
(beat)
Did I miss anything?
 
Whitland and company stare for a beat. 
 
WHITLAND
You forgot 'Mooby Magazine'. Is there a point to
this?
 
BARTLEBY
(grimly)
You and your board are idolators.
 
Whitland and company stare dumbfounded. Loki finishes carving and stands beside 
Bartleby. 
 
LOKI
(to Bartleby)
How could your forget the magazine?
 
Bartleby rolls his eyes. Loki turns to the Whitland and holds up the sculpture. 
 
LOKI
It's you .
(sets sculpture on table)
Do you know much about voodoo? Fascinating
practice, very close to Satanism, but not really
much of a religion - no doctrine of faith. Just
an arrangements of superstitions, the most well-
known of which is the voodoo doll.
(sneezes; waits; continues)
A mock-up of an individual is subjected to various
pokes and prods, and the desired result is that
the individual will feel the effects.
 
WHITLAND
(to nearest board member)
Call security - now.
 
Loki throws the knife at the table, severing the phone cord. 
 
LOKI
All lines are currently down.
 
BARTLEBY
(to Whitland)
Again -. I apologize for my friend's...
 
LOKI
(frustrated)
Would you just get on with it?!
 
BARTLEBY
(miffed; to Whitland)
You are responsible for raising an icon that draws
worship from the Lord. You've broken the first
commandment, but more than that, I'm afraid none of
you passes for a decent human being. Your continued
existence is a mockery of morality.
(looks to Loki; Loki nods)
Like you - Mister Bernard.
(stands behind board member)
Last year you cheated on your wife of seventeen
years, eight times - twice with prostitutes. You
even had sex with her best friend while she was at
her garden club meeting and you were supposed to
be watching your kids.
 
LOKI
In the bed you and your wife share, no less.
 
The board member stares in disbelief. Loki nods to Bartleby and he moves on. 
 
BARTLEBY
And you, Mister Newman.
 
Loki sifts through compact discs. He pulls out one entitled 'Mooby Mania' and 
pops it into a player. A simple children's song echoes through the room. 
 
BARTLEBY
You got your girlfriend drunk at last year's
Christmas party, and then paid a kid from the
mailroom to have sex with her while she was passed
out, just so you could break up with her - guilt
free - when she sobbingly confessed the next morning
that she cheated on you. She killed herself three
months later. You sent flowers to her wake.
 
The board member's face is frozen. Bartleby shakes his head and moves quickly 
around the table. 
 
BARTLEBY
(not liking his job)
Mister Pereira disowned his gay son; Mister Turran
put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and
used the profits from the sale of her house to
purchase an oriental rug for himself; Mister Barker
flew to the Philippines on the company account to
have sex with an eleven year old boy; Mister Bloom
okayed the production of Mooby dolls from what he
knew were unsafe and toxic materials because it
was less costly.
 
Bartleby stops at the female Board member and looks at her, relieved. 
 
BARTLEBY
You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead
a good life and have never misused your power here.
 
She stares at Bartleby. Loki pats her on the back and urges Bartleby on. 
 
BARTLEBY
But you, Mister Whitland. You have more skeletons
in your closet than this assembled party. I can't
even mention them aloud.
 
Bartleby leans over and whispers something unheard into Whitland's ear. Whitland 
goes green. Bartleby steps back. Loki stands beside Whitland. 
 
LOKI
You're her father, you sick fuck.
 
Whitland begins sobbing. 
 
BARTLEBY
(to Loki)
Can I go now?
 
LOKI
(cheerily rubbing his head)
Go on, you crazy kid.
 
Bartleby exits. Loki turns menacingly on the others. 
 
LOKI
With the exception of Miss Pryce, there is not a
decent human being amongst you. Do you know what
makes a human being decent?
(beat)
Fear. And therein lies the problem. None of you
has anything to fear anymore. You rest comfortably
in seats of inscrutable power, hiding behind your
false idol, far from judgement - lives shrouded in
secrecy even from one another. But not from God.
 
Loki goes to exit but pauses. He turns around. 
 
LOKI
I forgot my little voodoo doll.
(looks at Whitland)
Wow. It really does look just like you. Maybe, if
I believed enough...
 
Loki begins moaning menacingly, slowly waving an open palm over the figure. 
Whitland looks at it horrified, then at Loki, then back at the figure. He sweats 
and shifts in his seat - eyes pinned on the figure. Loki lets out a shriek and 
smashes the figure with his fist. Whitland freezes, eyes closed. Slowly, he 
opens his eyes - unharmed. 
 
LOKI
I don't believe in voodoo.
 
Loki swiftly exits. The Board Members sit in awed silence. Then the doors burst 
open and Loki storms back in. 
 
LOKI
But I do believe in this.
 
Gun blazing, he takes out the male board members, including Whitland, in a 
flurry of bullets. The remaining female Board Member covers her head with her 
arms. Loki hangs his arm at his side and touches her hair. 
 
LOKI
(smiling)
It's okay. You've done nothing wrong. They were
bad men. You are a pure soul.
 
She looks at him, terrified. He smiles back. Then his expression hardens. 
 
LOKI
But you didn't say 'God Bless You' when I sneezed.
 
He quickly puts the gun to her head. She slams her eyes shut. 
 
OC BARTLEBY
(cautionary)
Loki!
 
Loki freezes and looks OC. He grimaces and holsters his piece. 
 
LOKI
(to woman)
Sorry. Force of habit.
 
He surveys his handiwork and exits. The female Board Member slowly opens her 
eyes and looks around. 
 
INT.. STRIP JOINT. - LATER 
Jay and the Gang Leader sit together at a table, surrounded by the other 
gangsters and Silent Bob. They laugh and chug their '40's. 
 
GANG LEADER
(to Gang)
Watch this shit.
(to Jay)
Do it again, G. Do the Mush-mouth.
 
JAY
(swigs his beer; as 'Mush-mouth')
Hey-buh, Fat-buh, Al-buh-bert.
 
The Gang laughs hysterically. 
 
GANGSTER 1
Fat Albert like a mother fucker and shit!
 
Bethany, Rufus, and Serendipity huddle around a table further away. 
 
RUFUS
(elated)
I forgot you were down here! How long now?
 
SERENDIPITY
Three years this August. What about you - is this
another temporary expulsion? You and your 'Christ
was down' campaign?
 
BETHANY
What does that mean - another expulsion? I thought
you came down here specifically to help me?
 
SERENDIPITY
Is that what he told you? Rufus gets thrown out
constantly; at least once a month, ethereal time.
They always bring him back, but only after a few
days of peace and quiet - free from that black
nationalist rhetoric.
 
RUFUS
(joking)
Artsy-fartsy bitch.
 
SERENDIPITY
Who you calling artsy-fartsy?
 
RUFUS
(to Bethany)
Serendipity here used to hang with us sometimes
back in Jerusalem.
 
BETHANY
Let me guess - the fourteenth apostle; left out
of the bible because she's a woman.
 
RUFUS
The girl's not a woman.
(to Serendipity)
No offense.
 
BETHANY
Oh, those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?
 
SERENDIPITY
(tugs on boobs)
What, these? You should know better than anyone
at this table that tits don't make a woman.
 
RUFUS
Hell, the tubby, coat-wearing mother fucker's got
tits - don't make him a woman.
 
SERENDIPITY
Aside from an intuitive knack for accessorizing,
what traditionally defines a woman falls between
two things : her legs. But as you can see...
 
Serendipity stands and unbuttons her jeans, dropping them slightly, revealing 
yet another smooth, sexless crotch, quite like Metatron's. 
 
SERENDIPITY
I lack definition.
 
OC JAY
Hey! They're getting a free show!
 
Serendipity pulls her pants back up and sits down, smiling at the OC party. 
 
BETHANY
(weary)
Oh God. Another angel. Like Metatron.
 
SERENDIPITY
How do you know Metatron?
(to Rufus)
How does she know Metatron?
 
RUFUS
This is the last Scion.
 
SERENDIPITY
(beat)
You're kidding.
 
RUFUS
Don't you see the resemblance?
 
SERENDIPITY
(stares at Bethany)
A bit.
(suddenly nervous)
Oh shit. If she's been tapped, then something's up.
 
BETHANY
I'm confused.
 
RUFUS
Bethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an
angel, nor is she by any means a human being like
I was and you are.
 
SERENDIPITY
Amen to that.
(swigs her beer and spits it out)
 
BETHANY
Then who is she?
 
SERENDIPITY
Not who - what. I haven't always been part of the
anthropomorphic club. I used to be an abstract.
 
BETHANY
Now I'm really lost.
 
RUFUS
Serendipity's an idea.
 
SERENDIPITY
Try all ideas.
 
BETHANY
Meaning?
 
SERENDIPITY
I'm a muse, stupid.
 
Bethany stares at her for a beat, then at Rufus. Rufus nods affirmatively. 
 
BETHANY
I can't take much more of this.
(downs her beer)
 
RUFUS
(to Serendipity)
She's now met a seraphim, a dead man, and a muse.
You can appreciate her frame of mind.
 
BETHANY
(to Serendipity)
So you - what - inspire people?
 
SERENDIPITY
What just went down with your friends over there
- you don't think they thought of that themselves?
I knew Kane's weak spot for Fat Albert and passed
it along to the boys.
 
RUFUS
If she hadn't interceded, they'd be chalk lines
right now.
 
BETHANY
You made them sing that song?
 
SERENDIPITY
I offered them a solution out of the hole they dug
for themselves. Thankfully, they took it.
 
BETHANY
Are you kidding? Those two are so dense, they
wouldn't get a good idea if it was given to them
in a specially marked box.
 
SERENDIPITY
Dense people are the most open to suggestion -
it's you so-called intelligent folks that have a
hard time accepting a good idea.
 
RUFUS
Ain't that the truth.
 
BETHANY
Prove it. Give me a good idea.
 
SERENDIPITY
If I do, and you accept it, then you'll have
confirmation that you are - as you say - dense.
 
BETHANY
(beat)
Alright. So you're a muse. So what kind of people
do you inspire - besides stupid ones?
 
SERENDIPITY
I used to specialize in entertainment - literature,
theatre, so forth.
 
BETHANY
Movies?
 
SERENDIPITY
In some cases, I'd do everything but bang starlets
on the casting couch.
 
BETHANY
What have I seen that you've been involved with?
 
SERENDIPITY
Off the top of my head - everything. Well almost
everything. For example: I'm responsible for nine
of the ten top grossing films of all time.
 
BETHANY
Nine?
 
SERENDIPITY
The one about the kid, by himself in his house;
burglars trying to get in and he fights them off?
(Bethany nods)
I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold
their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that
piece of shit.
 
RUFUS
Which brings us to the next logical question -
what are you doing stripping?
 
SERENDIPITY
Well you remember why I left, right?
 
RUFUS
You were tired of doing all the work and getting
none of the credit for your ideas.
 
SERENDIPITY
And sick of watching incapable people take brilliant
inspiration and turn out real trash.
(to Bethany)
So I opted to quit being a muse and write for myself.
I gave my two weeks notice, got a body, fifty bucks,
and got sent out into the world to make my fortune.
 
BETHANY
So what happened?
 
SERENDIPITY
Writer's block.
 
RUFUS
Writer's block?
 
SERENDIPITY
Can you believe it? Me - a muse, for God's sake!
I sit down in front of the typewriter, and what
do I get? Nothing. Blank page. I can't even write
a grocery list.
 
BETHANY
What about what you did with Jay and Silent Bob ?
You inspired them.
 
SERENDIPITY
That's the cosmic joke. I can give out a zillion
and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for
myself. Her quirky sense of humor.
 
BETHANY
Whose?
 
SERENDIPITY
God's.
 
BETHANY
You're saying God's a woman.
 
SERENDIPITY
Was there ever a doubt in your mind?
 
BETHANY
The possibility never presented itself. He's always
referred to as a Him.
 
SERENDIPITY
I didn't write it that way. My job stops at the
idea stage. The person that holds the pen adds
their own perspective, and all the pen-holders were
men. One of the drawbacks to being intangible is
that you have no say in the editorial process.
 
RUFUS
Another one's that you can't jerk off.
 
SERENDIPITY
(to Bethany)
See, these being male-dominated times, the Pharisees
and High Priests felt threatened by the idea of a
woman lording over them and controlling their
fates, so they made sure that She became a He.
Doesn't stop with God - the whole book is slanted
and gender-biased: a woman's responsible for the
first sin, the fall of man, and the expulsion from
Eden. A woman cuts Samson's coif of power, a woman
asks for the head of John the Baptist. Read that
book again some time - women are painted as bigger
antagonists than the fucking Egyptians and Romans
combined.
 
BETHANY
(stunned)
God is a woman...
 
SERENDIPITY
I don't know what the big surprise is - women are
the only gender that can create life, just like
God created the universe. Who else but a mother
could have the infinite patience with impudent
children that God has with humanity. A woman can
give birth to and nurture both sexes, so psychologists
theorize that women are the only gender both sexes
can feel completely comfortable with; and the
faithful - both male and female - feel at ease
with God. In time of trial, our first instinct is
to implore the aid of the Almighty, just as when
you're a child, the only person who can make it
all better is...
 
BETHANY
...mom. God, it makes sense.
 
RUFUS
(to Serendipity)
Shit, you still have a knack for words.
 
SERENDIPITY
Not really useful in my new line of work.
 
RUFUS
What about that? Why'd you choose stripping?
 
SERENDIPITY
In an effort to create something artistic that I
could claim as my own. See, I've been able to fool
myself into thinking this isn't stripping, it's
dancing; and at least dancing is artistic. But She
won't even give me that much - the way God designed
dance, it's the only creative act which results in
no tangible product. Unlike paintings, poems, movies
or most other arts forms. when the dance is over,
there's nothing to show for it - nothing to save
and enjoy... or sell.
(takes a drink)
Believe me, the irony wasn't lost on this muse.
 
RUFUS
How long are you going to keep this up?
 
SERENDIPITY
Believe me, I think about eating crow and going
back to the grind from time to time. But I'd hate
to give Her the satisfaction of my playing the
prodigal. And it sucks because I can't stand being
flesh anymore - especially this halfway crap. Not
only do I have to take care of the aesthetic - the
showers, the haircutting, the pit-shaving - but I
can't take advantage of the benefits - like getting
laid or using my period as an excuse not to get
laid...
(conspiratorially to Bethany)
...the only true boon to having a period, from
what I understand.
 
RUFUS
Well we could sure use your help. We need someone
with good ideas. You remember a couple of angels
named Loki and Bartleby?
 
SERENDIPITY
Sure - the angel of death and his squeamish pal
with a conscience.
 
RUFUS
They found a way back.
 
SERENDIPITY
(shocked)
God no. Not the plenary indulgence loop hole?
 
BETHANY
You know about that?
 
SERENDIPITY
I always knew that thing was a bad idea. Leave it
to the Catholics to destroy existence.
 
RUFUS
Bethany's Catholic.
 
SERENDIPITY
My condolences.
 
BETHANY
What do you have against Catholics?
 
SERENDIPITY
Ever been to a Catholic mass?
 
BETHANY
Once or twice.
 
SERENDIPITY
It's like bad sex - up, down, up, down, kneel,
leave. And the whole time you'd rather be watching
TV. You people don't celebrate your faith - you
mourn it.
 
BETHANY
So if we're so wrong, then what's the right religion?
 
SERENDIPITY
When are you people going to learn? It's not about
right or wrong - it's a question of faith. It
doesn't matter what you believe in - just that you
believe.
 
Jay and Silent Bob join them, wearing bandannas. 
 
JAY
Look! They made me and Silent Bob part of the gang!
 
Suddenly, the doors behind them blast open, pouring light into the once dim 
room. A huge figure stands in the doorway, backlit and acting as a sepia filter 
- the light and vapors surrounding him are brown. 
 
FIGURE
(deep, guttural hiss)
Not born... shit into existence.
 
Our group stares at the OC brute. Jay sniffs the air. 
 
JAY
Who farted?
 
SERENDIPITY
Sweet Christ, someone wants you bad.
 
BETHANY
What do you mean? What's that smell?
 
RUFUS
Don't tell me that's who I think it is.
 
SERENDIPITY
The stench should say it all.
 
BETHANY
Who the hell is it?!
 
SERENDIPITY
An excremental - the Golgothan.
 
BETHANY
A what?
 
RUFUS
A shit-demon.
 
The Golgothan moves slowly from the door, toward the group. 
 
NO-MAN
No... man. ..of...woman.. born...
 
The Gang join the others. They hold and cover their noses. 
 
GANG LEADER
(to Jay; loading his piece)
Friend of yours?
 
JAY
(to group)
Is this smelly fuck with us?
 
RUFUS
He's coming for Bethany.
 
JAY
(to Gang Leader)
Smoke that mother fucker like it ain't no thang!
 
GANG LEADER
I knew I'd get to wax someone today. Represent!
 
The Gang charges OC, guns blazing, while we hold on the group. Suddenly, the 
room is filled with screams and wet, slurpy noises. The group goes from staring 
wide-eyed, to shielding themselves. The noise stops and Jay and Silent Bob look 
up. 
The Gang lay about NoMan in trashed, dead positions. They are covered in murky, 
creamy crap - their wide, white eyes frozen in horror. NoMan scoops a 
finger-full of muck off the leader and eats it, smiling. 
Our heroes start backing up slowly, as to not be noticed. 
 
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
I guess we're in charge of the gang now.
 
BETHANY
What the fuck happened?!?
 
SERENDIPITY
Go for the bar. We might have a few seconds - his
short-term memory's for shit.
 
JAY
So's the rest of him.
 
RUFUS
No chance of taking him down?
 
SERENDIPITY
Gee. I don't know. Let's a sk the gangstas.
 
RUFUS
You're right; let's book.
 
They dash. NoMan snaps to attention and throws it's arm at them, launching a 
huge glob of shit through the air. 
 
JAY
(running; seeing it coming)
SHIT!!!
 
Everyone leaps behind the bar. The shit flies over them and slams against the 
mirror above. Immediately, it stretches - Blob-like - over the entire frame, and 
burns in an acidic fashion. 
Jay stares, horrified. 
 
JAY
Now that... is some powerful shit.
 
Serendipity pulls at the floor, yanking open a door. 
 
SERENDIPITY
Quick! Get in!
 
Bethany, Rufus, Jay and Silent Bob leap into the darkness. Serendipity follows, 
pulling the door shut on top of them. 
 
INT.. BASEMENT 
Our heroes cower beneath the floor door. 
 
JAY
What is that thing?
 
SERENDIPITY
You ever hear of Golgotha?
 
BETHANY
Skull place. The hill where Christ was crucified.
 
SERENDIPITY
(peering above)
Yeah, well it wasn't just Christ up there - the
Romans crucified everybody on that hill. And Christ
excluded, they were all criminals - killers,
brigands, thieves, rapists. And whenever the
crucified expired, their bodies would naturally
lose muscle control, spilling bowel and bladder
in the process. And the result is that walking
pile of crap up there: the Golgothan Shit-Demon -
Hell's chief assassin. And he's here for you,
girlie.
 
Silent Bob stares at a crack in the doors. A milky drop of shit drips through 
it. 
 
BETHANY
What are we doing down here, then?. Any second now
he'll be blasting through that door!
 
SERENDIPITY
Shit's brainless. If we can sit tight for a couple
of minutes, he'll forget what he came for.
 
Suddenly another drop falls. Then another. Then a steady stream. Silent Bob taps 
Rufus and points. Rufus reacts. 
 
RUFUS
(indicating trickling shit)
Looks like it's been taking memory training courses...
 
SERENDIPITY
(off trickle)
JUMP!!!
 
The five leap from their perch on the steps, just as the doors explode, dumping 
a torrent of crap on the steps. The body of muck morphs into NoMan anew. NoMan 
lumbers toward them. The group, attempting to gain their bearings on the floor, 
crawls backwards. NoMan pulls a piece of himself off, rolling it around in It's 
hands. 
 
SERENDIPITY
If anybody still remembers any prayers, I suggest
you start whipping them out.
 
Silent Bob stares wide-eyed up at the approaching demon. And then, something 
occurs to him. He stops backing up and stands. The others continue moving back. 
 
BETHANY
Bob, get down! Jay!
 
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
You tubby retard! Get your ass back on the floor!
 
Silent Bob stands like a statue in the Golgothan's path. The demon snarls a 
smile, moving ever closer. Silent Bob reaches into his coat and pulls a small 
canister out. He points it at the beast. A mist shoots out into the face of the 
Golgothan. It pauses, looking confused. The shit ball in It's hand drops to the 
floor, and then so does It. 
Bethany, Rufus, Serendipity, and Jay climb to their feet and crowd around Silent 
Bob. They look to the fallen, unconscious behemoth, then to Silent Bob. 
 
BETHANY
(off Bob's canister)
What was that?
 
Silent Bob holds the can out to them: it's a small, trial size can of Glade Air 
Freshener. Jay looks at it, then at Silent Bob. 
 
BETHANY
(reading can)
'Knocks strong odors out.'
 
RUFUS
Way to go. tubby.
 
BETHANY
Why would you ever carry this?
 
Jay farts. Silent Bob sprays the freshener at his ass. The others look at Jay. 
 
JAY
What?!
 
RUFUS
(to Serendipity)
Who has dominion over this thing?
 
SERENDIPITY
Only Lucifer can order a killing. But something
doesn't make sense: this thing never travels alone
- with it's intelligence level, Lucifer'd never
allow it. It usually has some kind of backup.
 
RUFUS
Can you get some answers?
 
SERENDIPITY
I can give it a shot.
 
BETHANY
What's going on?
 
RUFUS
Serendipity's going to talk to that demon.
 
JAY
Cool! Can we watch?
 
SERENDIPITY
Not a good idea. Demon's can wreak havoc on the
weak-minded.
 
JAY
Fuck you - weak-minded! Me and Silent Bob can talk
to him in his own language! See...?
(makes the universal metal sign)
He'd understand this.
 
SERENDIPITY
(shakes her head; to Rufus)
Whoever sent this might send more. I suggest you
take the princess and get as far away as possible.
(to Bethany)
I'll do what I can to extract some info from shit-
boy here. If there's anything helpful. I'll get it
to you somehow.
 
BETHANY
(hugs her)
Thank you. And... you're a great dancer.
 
SERENDIPITY
I'm a better juggler.
(to jay and Silent Bob)
You know you're supposed to be prophets, right?
Start acting like prophets. You should have seen
that thing coming.
 
JAY
(to Bethany)
Why the hell are we getting yelled at?!
 
SERENDIPITY
Just watch out for Bethany. Go.
 
Bethany leads Jay and Silent Bob up the stairs. 
 
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Man, bitch thinks just 'cause she's good-looking,
she can tell us what to do.
 
BETHANY
She told me that if you behave, she'll give you
head.
 
JAY
(excited)
Yeah?.
 
BETHANY
Oh, a demon'd have a field day with you.
 
Serendipity and Rufus watch them disappear up the steps. 
 
OC JAY
(beat)
Shut up.
 
OC BETHANY
You shut up.
 
SERENDIPITY
(to Rufus)
Nice girl.
 
RUFUS
Comes from good stock.
 
SERENDIPITY
You haven't told her yet?
 
RUFUS
Not the right time.
 
SERENDIPITY
How uncanny is the resemblance? Those eves, the
lips...
 
RUFUS
The nails.
 
Serendipity looks at Rufus. He smiles. She hits him, laughing. He cracks up. 
 
SERENDIPITY
Blasphemer.
 
Then, the OC Golgothan makes a groggy, grumbling noise. 
 
SERENDIPITY
Shit. You'd better go. I'll take care of the trash.
 
RUFUS
(hugs her)
Good luck.
 
Rufus runs up the steps. Serendipity turns on the Golgothan. 
 
SERENDIPITY
Alright, Stinky - let's see what you know.
 
EXT. CHURCH -DAY 
A suited MAN stands at a podium, addressing a small thrall of reporters. 
 
MAN
And now, to speak on behalf of his Holiness'
'Catholicism - Wow!' campaign, ladies and gentlemen
of the press, I give you the driving force behind
the movement - Cardinal Glick.
 
The reporters clap as CARDINAL GLICK takes to the podium. He strikes one as more 
of an agent than a man of the cloth as he removes his Wayfarers. 
 
GLICK
Thank you, Mister Flanagan - one of this parish's
chief patrons, who donated the stained-glass likeness
of Our Lady of Gleeful Misery that welcomes you
as you enter the church every Sunday.
(off index cards)
Ladies and Gentlemen of the press - few would deny
that the Catholic Church has fallen behind somewhat
in the times. Catholicism usually strikes the
average person as an old-fashioned remedy for the
ills - both moral and psychological - of a society
that has since left it's stringent rules and ornate
rituals on the heap with 45's and eight track
cassettes. And in an effort to disprove that, the
Church has appointed this year as a time of renewal,
both of faith and of style. So, it is with great
pleasure, that I present you and your parish - mere
days away from it's centennial celebration - and
the continental United States, via Satellite with
the first of man revamps that the 'Catholicism -
Wow!' campaign will unveil over the next year.
(applause)
Now, what does this mean for the average churchgoer?
Are we going to throw out the rule book and adopt
a hippie mentality in regards to our faith? No.
We're simply talking about a few minor alterations
to both the aesthetic and theoretical aspects of a
religion that boasts one of the highest membership
numbers on the planet.
 
A few applauses ring out. Glick smiles. 
 
GLICK
Thank you, thank you. So what are we talking about
here. Well, for example...
(pulls out crucifix)
while it has been a time-honored and traditional
symbol of our faith, we have decided to retire the
highly recognizable, yet wholly depressing symbol
of our Lord, Jesus Christ, crucified. Why? Well,
look at it. Would you relish being a member of a
group that uses a man nailed to two pieces of wood
as it's masthead? Of course not - who would? I've
got enough downers in my daily routine without
having to deal with this visual every time I go to
worship. Instead, the church is going to adopt
this new, more soothing and inspiring sigil, which
we feel is in-line with our new outlook.
 
Glick pulls a cover off an object to his right - a two foot figure of Christ 
smiling and giving the 'thumbs up'. The crowd buzzes. 
 
GLICK
See? Isn't this better? How could you not feel
just great walking into a church and seeing this
behind the priest - a positive reinforcement that
whatever we do, God thinks is 'a-okay'. I love this
thing, it's so...
 
REPORTER I
(interupting)
Cardinal Glick - has the church given any thought
to it's position on John Doe Jersey? Will he be
given the right to die with dignity?
 
Another buzz rises from the crowd. Glick rolls his eyes. 
 
GLICK
C'mon people. We're not here to talk about that.
It's an issue we stand firm on - euthanasia is a
big no-no, just like abortion. Murder's murder.
Why won't you people accept that? Besides, we're
here to talk about this little guy - your friend
and mine... the happy Jesus. Can't you just see
it on chains around people's necks, and as the
new background in avant garde, MTV videos?
 
INT. BUS TERMINAL - DAY 
The image of the 'Happy Jesus' - thumbs up and all - is captured on a TV 
monitor, a label reading 'LIVE VIA SATE LLITE - RED BANK, NEW JERSEY' at the 
bottom of the screen. Bartleby and Loki look up at it, then at one another. 
 
LOKI
And you say Siskel and Ebert have no influence
over this culture.
 
BARTLEBY
We're getting out of here at just the right time.
These people are nuts.
 
LOKI
(off TV)
And that's the church we're heading to?
 
BARTLEBY
(steps to ticket window)
If you want to go home...
(to WOMAN in window)
Two tickets to New Jersey, please.
 
WOMAN
Jersey's sold out, sir.
 
BARTLEBY
Are you sure?
 
WOMAN
The computer says.
 
LOKI
Come on - how many people can possibly be going
to New Jersey?
 
WOMAN
Enough to fill a bus.
 
BARTLEBY
(to Loki)
You had to drag that judgement out. You couldn't
just hit and run.
(to Woman)
When's the next one?
 
WOMAN
Same time tomorrow.
 
BARTLEBY
What?! Doesn't this place warrant at least two
buses a day?
 
WOMAN
I take it you've never been to the Garden State.
Next.
 
Bartleby and Loki look around. 
 
LOKI
There's no one else here.
 
WOMAN
Then I guess it's lunch time.
(she shuts her window)
 
LOKI
We should have learned to drive a long time ago.
Infinite celestial power and we can't catch a bus.
 
BARTLEBY
Just shut up, this is your fault.
 
LOKI
You can either lament over our mass transit folly,
or you can listen to my suggestion.
 
BARTLEBY
It's your suggestions that prevent us from
negotiating what should be a simple matter of
catching or staying on a bus!
 
LOKI
Why fall victim to gravity when we can just as
easily rise above?
 
BARTLEBY
(stares at him)
Fly?
 
LOKI
We got wings, right? Let's use them.
 
OC VOICE
I wouldn't suggest that.
 
The pair spin and gawk. 
AZRAEL leans in the doorway. He removes his hat, revealing two stubby horns. 
 
AZRAEL
You wouldn't want to stand out, now would you?
 
INT. STRIP JOINT. BASEMENT - DUSK 
NoMan is tied to a chair in the middle of the floor. Serendipity draws a circle 
around him with lipstick. Once finished. she takes a glass of water and throws 
it into No Man's face. It roars to life. The Golgothan shakes of his daze, 
turning his attention on Serendipity. 
 
NoMAN
The Muse. They told us you were up here.
 
SERENDIPITY
Matter of perspective, NoMan. I like to think of
it as 'down here'. I have a few questions for you,
sir.
 
NoMAN
Free us from these binds, that you may have answers.
 
SERENDIPITY
(head s toward it)
 
Okay.
(stops; sarcastic)
Oh wait. I'm smarter than that.
 
NoMan lets out a bellow. 
 
SERENDIPITY
Face it, big guy - I'm not releasing you until I
get answers. This can go hard or easy. The sooner
I get what I want, the sooner you'll be free. Now,
you can start by telling me why you're on this
plane?
 
NoMAN
(beat)
Liquidate the Last Scion.
 
SERENDIPITY
See? That wasn't so hard. Now - who sent you? Was
it Lucifer?
 
NoMan laughs in a sinister fashion. 
 
NoMAN
Our master is no one and all. For a time, he will
be prince of this world - and the fate of those
who dwell in it will be at the mercy of his
whimsy. And then he will sever reality and crush
existence, like a thumb punctures a fontanel,
giving peace to those who've been without for so
long.
 
SERENDIPITY
Did Bartleby and Loki send you?
 
NoMAN
Resist no further, Muse. Deliver over to us the
conflicted one, that this world may die screaming.
No power - divine or inherited - threatens the
crusade. You cannot win. Soon will rise of the cry
of the abandoned, begging your God to put an end
to the madness. And only as being becomes not,
will they know that the God of Abraham lay dormant
while the dream perished in a blink. Your God is
not dead - He's brain dead.
 
SERENDIPITY
She, you chauvinist bastard - She's brain dead.
And no She's not. Stop trying to be so spooky.
Tell me who sent you, or I'll use whatever
influence I have 'below' to make Hell even worse
for you.
 
NoMAN
You speak of Azrael.
(he laughs)
We pity you, Muse. You're still playing the old
game. The one that could have made good on your
threat is gone.
 
SERENDIPITY
What do you mean gone? He escaped?
 
NoMAN
No soul escapes Hell, but one.
(beat - as if It's heard something)
Would that I could cross the threshold of your
confining circle, I would crush your half-life
throat. But my Master does not abandon me to this
mockery of a prison. We will come back for the
girl. And when we do, it will take more than
fragrant mist to keep our hands from crushing her
head.
 
NoMan goes stiff and then limp. His body begins to melt. 
 
INT. TOY STORE - DAY 
Azrael leads Bartleby and Loki through the aisles, passing tons of stuffed 
animals. 
 
BARTLEBY
Jesus Christ, Azrael - how'd you get out of Hell?
 
AZRAEL
I told them I was coming up on a routine
possession. I don't have much time. If they figure
out my ruse, they'll come looking for me.
 
BARTLEBY
You lied?
 
LOKI
Go figure. Him. A demon.
(to Azrael)
Why'd you bring us in here?
 
AZRAEL
Because you two fucks are inches away from getting
yourselves caught. Going around killing people,
about to uncase your wings... don't you have any
idea what's going on?
 
LOKI
We're going back home.
 
AZRAEL
Are you so clueless as to think you can just waltz
back into Heaven?
 
BARTLEBY
Why not? We're going back clean.
 
AZRAEL
Let me let you in on a little secret, okay:
everyone is looking for you. Both sides - above
and below. The orders are to terminate you on
sight.
 
BARTLEBY
(shocked)
Why?
 
AZRAEL
You're pissing people off, that's why! Word on the
grapevine is that God's pissed off at your
presumption, and I know Lucifer's pissed because
you assholes might just succeed where he's failed
so many times, making him look bad.
 
BARTLEBY
So they're going to kill us?!?
 
AZRAEL
They're going to try. That's why you have to
travel incognito - tone down your behavior, stay
off their respective radar. Go about this thing
more subtly. Quit killing people - that's high
profile. And for God's sake, don't uncase your
wings until you have to transubstantiate. Because
the minute you let them flap, legions of thrones
and hordes of demons will fight each other over
who gets to kill you first.
(looks OC)
Shhhh!
 
A WOMAN and her small DAUGHTER walk past. While the Woman looks at the items on 
the top shelf, Loki pulls off Azrael's hat and taps the Daughter on the 
shoulder. He points to Azrael's horns. The Woman pulls the Daughter further down 
the aisle, oblivious to the trio. 
 
DAUGHTER
Mommy, that man had horns.
 
Azrael grabs his hat and puts it back on. 
 
AZRAEL
That's the kind of shit I'm talking about!
 
LOKI
Oh, lighten up.
 
BARTLEBY
(still reeling)
I can't believe they want to kill us.
 
AZRAEL
Believe it, boys. They've even got the Last Scion
looking for you.
 
LOKI
You're kidding!
 
AZRAEL
This is big. I'm telling you. Your re-entry is a
thorn in a lot of sides, and they'll stop at
nothing to prevent it.
 
LOKI
If that's the case, then why aren't you hunting
for us too?
 
AZRAEL
Because I want to see you go back. You were both
given a raw deal; almost as raw as mine. If you
make it back, then I figure there's hope for me.
(looks around)
In the meantime, I suggest you find an alternate
mode of transportation. If anything else comes up,
I'll contact you.
 
BARTLEBY
Thank you, Azrael. You're a true friend.
 
AZRAEL
Would you expect anything less from a demon. I
have to get back to the Pit, before they get
suspicious.
(turns to leave)
 
LOKI
Hey Az - what's it like down there. Is it as bad
as they say?
 
AZRAEL
Give you a hint: they've been playing 'Mrs.
Doubtfire' continuously for two years now.
(exits)
 
LOKI
(looks at Bartleby)
Shit man - that is punishment.
 
EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - NIGHT 
The Train chugs through the darkness. 
 
INT. TRAIN - NIGHT 
Bethany and Rufus sit across from one another. They stare out the window. 
 
RUFUS
How you coping, kid?
 
BETHANY
It's weird. just when I think I've got a handle on
Things, something wholly unbelievable presents
itself. Sometimes I wish I had just stayed home.
 
RUFUS
You sound like the Man.
 
BETHANY
(beat)
What was He like?
 
RUFUS
Jesus? Black.
 
BETHANY
Besides that.
 
RUFUS
The brother was centered. I mean, He was God,
right? But I think He felt left out because He was
more than human, you know? We used to sit around
the fire - me and the other guys - and we'd be
talking about what ass-holes the Romans were or
getting laid...
 
BETHANY
Some things never change.
 
RUFUS
...and He'd just sit there listening and smiling.
We'd ask Him why He never joined in the convo, but
He said He just liked to hear us talk; about
anything. Said it was like music. I think He just
wished He had unimportant shit to talk about
himself.
 
BETHANY
How does He feel now?
 
RUFUS
He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see
the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars,
bigotry, but especially the factioning of all the
religions. He said humanity took a good idea and,
like always, built a belief structure on it.
 
BETHANY
Having beliefs isn't good?
 
RUFUS
I think it's better to have ideas. You can change
an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life
should malleable and progressive; working from
idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to
certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't
generate. Life becomes stagnant. That was one
thing the Man hated - still life. He wanted
everyone to be as enthralled with living as He
was. Maybe it had something to do with knowing
when He was going to die. but Christ had this
vitality that I've never encountered in another
person since. You know what I'm saving?
 
BETHANY
He was big on life?
 
RUFUS
It was more than that. He was the only person I
ever knew who never engaged in that most ancient
of life-affirming activities.
 
BETHANY
Sex.
 
RUFUS
Debate. That's the only way people know how to
reaffirm that they're alive - by debating. In all
it's forms. People spend their whole lives
debating: we fight about who's right and who's
wrong, we fight ourselves, we fight each other, we
fight death, we fight over beliefs, we fight over
fights. We believe that to stop debating - in any
fashion -is to stop living and give up. People say
that life's a struggle, but it's not. Life is
living. I'm even guilty of it myself, the way I go
on about Christ's ethnicity, fighting for the
truth to come out. And I'm dead. Even in death,
the only way I know how to live is through debate.
That's sad, isn't it?
 
BETHANY
Not if you believe it's important for people to
know.
 
RUFUS
A belief's a dangerous thing, Bethany. People die
for it. People kill for it. The whole of existence
is in jeopardy right now because of the Catholic
Belief structure regarding this plenary indulgence
bullshit. And whether they know it or not,
Bartleby and Loki are exploiting that belief, and
if they're successful, you, me. all of this...
ends in a heartbeat.
(beat)
All over a belief.
 
Bethany nods. Rufus looks around. 
 
RUFUS
I haven't seen the moron twins in awhile.
 
BETHANY
They went to the lounge car to smoke.
(getting up)
I'll go find them; make sure they're not getting
into any trouble.
 
RUFUS
I'm going to catch a few Z's. Forgot how tiring
living can be.
 
Bethany heads off Rufus looks out the window, then shuts his eyes. 
 
INT. LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT 
Bethany enters and spots jay and Silent Bob, talking to a n unseen party. 
 
BETHANY
You two aren't getting into any trouble, are you?
 
JAY
Nope. Just about to smoke a bowl with our new
friends. You in?
 
BETHANY
And who are your new friends?
 
JAY
They just got in at the last stop.
 
Silent Bob moves over, revealing the new friends. 
 
JAY
This is Larry and Barry.
 
Bartleby and Loki smile at Bethany. 
 
LOKI
Jay tells us you're going to sleep with him.
 
EXT. TRAIN TRACKS - NIGHT 
The train rushes over head. 
 
INT. LOUNGE CAR - LATER 
Loki, Jay, and Silent Bob pass a joint under the table and take quick hits, 
trying to remain casual. Jay pounds the table happily. 
Bartleby and Bethany lay on either side of the table in their booth. 
 
BETHANY
You can smoke up with them if you want. You don't
have to keep me company.
 
BARTLEBY
It's a long trip. There'll be plenty of time
later.
(beat)
So why are you heading to Jersey?
 
BETHANY
There's just this thing there I'm supposed to do.
How about you?
 
BARTLEBY
We're going home.
 
BETHANY
Do you two live together?
 
BARTLEBY
Unfortunately. Do you live with those guys?
 
BETHANY
God, no. Not they just sort of adopted me.
 
BARTLEBY
They're funny as hell. The big one never says a
word.
 
BETHANY
I wish the little one would take a cue from him.
But they're okay, as far as stoner's go.
 
BARTLEBY
Lo... Larry's taken an immediate shine to them,
and he usually hates people.
 
BETHANY
How long've you two been together?
 
BARTLEBY
Awhile. He's great company. He can be a little
flaky sometimes, but we've got a lot in common.
 
BETHANY
How'd you meet?
 
BARTLEBY
We were stationed together.
 
BETHANY
See? That's beautiful. And everyone's always up-
in-arms about this 'out-in-the-military' issue.
 
BARTLEBY
What do you mean?
 
BETHANY
Well there's all that macho bullshit about it
being 'This Man's Army'. And you two meet and hook
up while in the service, which is so special -
because it's so hard to meet anyone you can
seriously relate to...
 
BARTLEBY
(catches on)
You think we're lovers?! Oh no. No, we're not gay.
 
BETHANY
(laughs)
Oh God, I'm sorry'. I just assumed...
 
BARTLEBY
No. We live together and all, but at the end of
the night, I go to my room. and he goes to his.
(beat)
Why? Do I come off as gay?
 
BETHANY
(laughing)
No, not at all. I'm sorry. My ex-husband kind of
fouled up my relationship awareness barometer.
 
BARTLEBY
You're divorced?
 
BETHANY
That's the nice way of putting it. I consider it
being dumped.
 
BARTLEBY
I was dumped once. More or less.
 
BETHANY
It's terrible, isn't it? Don't you constantly
question your value - like why was I so easy to
cast aside? Didn't I have merit?
 
BARTLEBY
And you wonder if the other party's going to come
to their senses and call you back.
 
BETHANY
The worst is that I still think like a couple.
After all these years, I still have the 'we'
mentality.
 
BARTLEBY
Mine grew out of what was really a stupid
misunderstanding. A misunderstanding that grew
into a total withdrawal of communication.
Abandonment. And even though it was years ago,
there's not a day that goes by that I don't wonder
what went wrong. And then it hits me - I was
replaced by someone. A lot of someones.
 
BETHANY
And they always tell you it'll hurt less with
time...
 
BARTLEBY
...when actually, it hurts more.
 
BETHANY
(beat)
You know what we need? We need some drinks. A lot
of drinks. Do you agree?
 
BARTLEBY
Whole-heartedly.
 
INT. TRAIN CAR - NIGHT 
Rufus continues to slumber. 
 
INT. LOUNGE CAR - NIGHT 
Jay is asleep on Silent Bob's shoulder, drooling slightly. Loki talks with 
Silent Bob. 
 
LOKI
I'm telling you, man - it's all about organized
religion and society's battle against it. The
Rebels are fighting the Empire, right? Now the
Empire is led by whom? Darth Vader? No. It's led
by the Emperor. And the Emperor is a practitioner
of the Force, albeit the Dark Side of the Force.
And the Force is basically a religion.
(Silent Bob nods)
So the entire galaxy is under Imperial rule, and
the Imperial government is run by this old
religion. What you have, then, is a theocratic
government - a government run by the church. So
Luke, Han, and Leia are fighting that government
to liberate the galaxy from the pious grip of what
is, in essence, holy mother church.
 
Silent Bob nods in understanding. 
Bethany and Bartleby slump in their booth, the table loaded with empty glasses. 
Bethany is quite tipsy. Bartleby sips his drinks, and surreptitiously spits it 
out. 
 
BARTLEBY
You're saying you still go to church?
 
BETHANY
(laughs)
Every Sunday.
 
BARTLEBY
Does it do anything for you?
 
BETHANY
(thinks)
Gives me time to balance my check book every week.
 
BARTLEBY
See? That's what I'm talking about. People don't
go to church and feel spiritual. They go to church
and feel bored. But they keep going. Every week.
Out of habit.
 
BETHANY
Or in habit, if you're a nun.
 
BARTLEBY
Oh... that wasn't very funny at all.
 
BETHANY
A friend of mine told me that church is like bad
sex: it's messy and there's no foreplay...
(starts laughing)
No, that's not it. I am so buzzed.
 
BARTLEBY
When do you think you lost your faith?
 
BETHANY
I remember the exact moment. I was on the phone
with my mother, and she was trying to counsel me
through what was happening to me and my marriage.
And she said something like "There's always a
plan." And I... just got so angry. I mean, I know
she was talking about God, right - God had a plan.
But I was like "What about my plans?" You know?
Like, don't they count for anything? I had planned
to grow old with my husband and have a family -
wasn't that plan good enough for God?
(beat)
Apparently not.
(swigs her drink)
How about you? When did you lose your faith?
 
BARTLEBY
Me? Years ago. One day, God just stopped
listening. I kept talking, but I got the di