Down To Earth Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Down To Earth script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Chris Rock movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Down To Earth. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Down To Earth Script

            Hello, Becky! Hey, Tiger! Hi, Mrs Ross, Mr Ross. How are you?

            - Deliveries in the back. - Excuse me?

            - You heard me: deliveries in the back. - Why do you think I'm a messenger?

            No, really. Why do you just assume I'm a messenger?

            Is it impossible for me to have a friend that lives here?

            To have an old college chum that lives upstairs?

            That I'm coming by to see just to talk about old times?

            To have a little cocoa? Would that upset you?

            What's wrong? I can't have no cocoa? I don't look like I like cocoa?

            What's wrong with me coming here trying to have some cocoa?

            I'm sorry, sir. Who did you come to see?

            Nobody! Delivery for Charles Wellington.

            Deliveries in the back.

            Look out!

            It's amateur night at the Apollo. Y'all ready for a show?

            Thank you!

            - Peace! I'm outta here. - Let's hear it for Phil Quon!

            - Congratulations! You kill. - Thanks, Booey.

            - They're not gonna boo me off? - Did I say that? Anything could happen.

            Yeah. Anything could happen, like they invent a silent boo.

            What? Huh? What are you looking at?

            This girl I met last night. I told her to come.

            She's skinny! You have sex, you might start a fire.

            The next act is a comedian. Mr Lance Barton!

            - What's with the hat? - You don't like the hat?

            You look like you're gonna tie somebody to the railroad tracks!

            People want to see Lance Barton, the comedian.

            - What people? - Lance Barton people.

            - Lance Barton, everybody! - No boos!

            Here comes a booey.

            Lance Barton, everybody!

            Don't touch me, baby!

            - Hey! What's up, Apollo? - Where'd you get that hat, man?

            Yeah, yeah, all right. So, er...

            How come every time an airplane crash,

            all they can ever find is the black box?

            Why don't they just make the whole plane out of the black box?

            Yeah. I got roaches. Who here got roaches?

            Everybody got roaches, it's Harlem.

            Everybody got roaches. Yeah, man.

            I got some roaches in my house,

            so big, one roach got drafted in the second round!

            Get your ass off stage, Booey! That shit ain't funny.

            Hey, you suck!

            Come on, hold it together.

            I know this girl so ugly, she had to wear make-up on the radio.

            All by myself

            Don't wanna be all by myself

            Any more

            You need a new act.

            If I'm so unfunny, why are you still my manager?

            Lance, you're funny... off-stage.

            - But on stage, you're... - What?

            You're afraid. You're afraid of being yourself. They can tell.

            Hey, kid! Don't listen to the crowd. Phil Quon says you're a funny man.

            Thanks a lot.

            You'd be afraid too if they booed you off the stage every time.

            You don't have to worry about that. They're shutting down the Apollo.

            Get outta here!

            Yeah, they're building a multiplex or something.

            They're gonna do a farewell show with five slots for amateurs.

            - You gotta get me one of those slots! - Lance, come on! Let it go.

            - Try someplace else. - I don't want to.

            As long as I'm Booey at the Apollo, I'm Booey everywhere.

            - Where are you going? - I'm going to work on my material.

            - Get me that audition, Whitney! - Later, Booey!

            OK, Lance. Where are you?

            Right on time!

            I've got to get myjokes together.

             I have to not get booed at the Apollo. I gotta work on my act...

              Oh, my God!

              Oh, I hate this job!

              Anybody get that licence number?

              Where the hell am l?


              This ain't the Comic Strip.

              Take it easy, you'll be dead a long time.

              Excuse me!

              - Bob Krantz, heart attack? - Yep.

              Sid and Ethel Bugler. Our tour bus crashed.


              I'm Tina Lovette. Mike said he'd put me on the list.

              All right, go ahead.

              Tell Mike to stop putting girls on the list.

              Lance? Lance Barton!

              - What is this? - It's Heaven.

              Heaven! I've had this dream before. Is Pac in there?

              I said no. Go to Hell!

              - Mr Barton? Where are you going? - I gotta wake up. I got an audition.

              - I've got to get to the Comedy Strip. - You're not dreaming.

              Mr Barton...?

              - Keyes, what's the problem? - Mr King! No problem, sir.

              Everýthing's under control. Mr Barton here was having a great time and...

              - Actually, I'm trying to wake up. - I'm sorry, but you're not dreaming.

              - You're dead. Capisce? - I'm not dead.

              Come here! What you're feeling right now is totally normal.

              Dying is a real shock to the system, but it's going to get better.

              It's Heaven, baby. The food is great, the women are beautiful,

              and the music, Lance... the music is hot.

              - The fun never stops. - That's great, but I'm not dead.

              I've got an audition, so you guys can fix the mistake and get me home.


              Could you check the list and see when Mr Barton is arriving?

              Barton...? Ah! Due November   th,     .

               .   a.m., Eastern Standard Time.

                  ... You could have just given me the year! Leave a brother a little doubt.

              I took him before the truck hit. He couldn't have made it!

              First you make Frank Sinatra wait for a table...

              - He didn't have a jacket! - Sinatra can wear what he wants!

              You killed me! You killed me!

              Mr King has been in charge up here for some time.

              There's nothing he can't handle.

              - So you guys can fix this? - I pride myself on talking straight.

              If a guy's lived a bad life, I tell him to go to Hell, literally.

              You, on the other hand... I like you.

              You're what you call... you're very... What's the word? Very...

              - Funny? - No. You're spunky!

              - Spunky?! - Spunky! So, here's the story.

              Your body's gone. Adiós, sayonara. Comprende?

              - But I spoke to my boss. - You talked to God?

              Yeah. We can put you in somebody else's body if no one knows he's dead.

              How am I supposed to do my act in somebody else's body?

              This is all part of some grand plan.

              - Really? - Sure.

              Anyway, let's go find you a body.

              - This one's kind of like a fixer-upper. - I don't think so!

              How about this one? He's got nice pecs.

              Big, not funny. Nobody wants to laugh at a guy who could whip their ass.

              Hey, Joey, help me! I can't...

              He's perfect!

              Picky, picky! Really picky!

              Who lives here?

              Charles Wellington. Fifteenth richest man in America.

              He owns sporting teams, cable companies, you name it.

              Just finished building this penthouse.

              If I don't like the body, can I keep the crib?

              - How did you do that? - I'm an angel. I can do what I want.

              - What is it? - Cocktails, madam.

              Of course. Thank you, Wanda.

              It's my pleasure, Mrs Wellington.

              - Is that the guy? - No. That's Winston Sklar,

              Wellington's private secretary. They're waiting for his body to be discovered.

              - They're trying to kill him. - We've got to do something!

              Thank you, Wanda.

              "Thank you, Wanda." Who does she think she is? Frigid, stuck-up bitch!

              If you want to thank me, get your husband to pay me a decent wage.

              One more face-lift, she'll be farting out of her nose!

              Why haven't they found him yet? I'm a dirty murderer. I should be punished!

              - Punish me! - Oh, I'll punish you.


              Call the cops!

              I was on vacation and he flew me in from North Carolina to change the channel.

              Call the cops!


              Hola! Mamacita! Nueve-uno-uno! Nueve-uno-uno!

              - Where's the phone? - No can do.

              The phone company doesn't serve dead people. You need a body!

              Well, find me another body!

              I'm not leaving until I see Mr Wellington.

              - I'll see what I can do. - Let him know that I'm here.

              Mr Sklar, sir?

              It's Miss Jenkins. She insists on seeing Mr Wellington.

              I'm sorry to bust in... Well, actually, I'm not!

              That's her! That's the girl.

              Hey, remember me? On the bike - run over?

              No, that's all right. What can we do for you?

              - I think that you should be arrested. - Holy crap!

              Your plans for the Brooklyn Community Hospital are criminal.

              Oh, so you mean that...

              You throw those words around... "Arrested." Kind of hit me!

              That really... ooh!

              I don't think there's anything funny.

              It's the only public health facility in the area, and you just bought it.

              My uncle went there for a new liver, they sent his ass to the supermarket.

              If it goes private, the people won't have any place to turn.

              That's awful. You should take it up with Mr Wellington...

              I've been there twenty times,

              I've made     phone calls, and he seems to never be in.

              So I decided to visit his home.

              - He's unavailable, I guarantee you. - I'll wait until he is available.

              - I'm afraid you can't. - Yes, I can!

              Would you like to call the police? I'm sure the press are interested.

              - No, no... Let's don't even... - I thought so!

              If I take this guy's body, could I help her out?

              - You got the hots for her, huh? - You're trying to sell me a body, right?

              - Well, let's see it. - OK.

              Would you stop it? This ain't Star Trek. I'm used to walking.

              Lance Barton - Charles Wellington.

              - Mr Wellington, please, don't get up. - Damn, he's dead!

              Nice bed, though.

              So, that's what I'll look like? I can't go to the Apollo in that body.

              - I won't get any laughs. - He looks funny to me.

              I already get booed. Do I really need to get beat down?

              You want to meet the girl, you take the body.

              In a moment it'll be too late.

              For good? Could I just be him while you find me a better body?

              You mean take it on loan?

              Normally I have a problem with that,

              but since we screwed up... it's a deal.

              Mr Wellington, a Miss Sontee Jenkins to see you.

              Still bathing, are we?

              We don't want our fingers to go all pruney.

              - Hey, it worked! - What?

              - You weren't sure it would work? - Relax, I've read the manual.

              Hey, I still look like me!

              - You are you. - I thought you said I was Wellington.

              - You are Wellington. - Thanks for clearing that up!

              To everyone else you look like him, you sound like him,

              you even smell like him. But you see yourself. Simple, huh?

              - Is everýthing all right? - You can answer him. Go ahead.

              - Everýthing's cool. - Not too cool, I hope.

              Everýthing's all right!

              And they'll see Wellington, not some brother in his clothes?

              - I don't feel like getting shot! - You'll be all right!

              So, you the butler?

              Yes, sir...

     the butler.

              So you do all the buttlin' around here?

              Yes, indeed, sir.

              - Whose butler are you? - Your butler, sir.

              You're my butler?

              Don't cheat on me. If I see you buttlin' for somebody else, I may kill them.

              - Now, who am l? - You, sir?

              - You... Mr Wellington? - Who am l?

              Mr Wellington.

              You're damn right I'm Wellington. Yes, I got a body! I got a body!

              You certainly have! Would you care to get dressed?

              Take that corpse for a spin!

              So where does he keep... where do I keep my clothes?

              - In the closet, sir. - I've got a closet! And a body!

              I've got a body! Let's go to the closet. Peace out!

              Yeah! I'm Wellington!

              - I'm Wellington! - Good morning, Mr Wellington.

              - You'd better recognise. - I know you, you cheap bastard!

              Tiger Woods, y'all, Tiger, Tiger Woods, y'all.

              Hey, Tiger Woods, y'all!

              - Hi, darling. - I'll deal with you two later.

              How you doing? I'm Charles Wellington. America's    th richest man.

              I know who you are!

              Would you give us some privacy?

              - Could I help you out? - I don't need your help.

              You have been avoiding me, and now you're going to listen.

              It's about people's lives.

              Sick people, poor people. People that you care nothing about.

              They are going to be in desperate trouble if you close the hospital.

              See you later! I'll get you a new body. Good luck!

              Hey, but...

              We are the only county hospital in the area.

              And you chose to privatise it and kick sick, broke people out.

              - What kind of man are you? - Sounds like I'm an asshole.

              - You think this is a joke. - No.

              This is a joke: a prostitute and a car dealer go... Forget it!

              I know all about your board meeting on Monday.

              - The one that's closed to the public. - Glad you told me. I gotta get a haircut.

              Get serious, 'cause I'll be there.

              I'll bring every television camera and news reporter I can find.

              We'll make a party! We'll bring some friends, get some chips, a DJ.

              - And we get on this hospital thing! - This meeting is over. Goodbye!

              I'm serious! I'm not joking. I...

              Is something wrong?

              I lost the keys to the handcuffs.

              Didn't your mama tell you to carry a extra handcuff key? OK...

              I'm just playing with you. I'll look for the key.

              It's not up there... it's not there...

              There it is! No... roach.

              There you go... got it!

              You know what I've got right here? I got your freedom!

              I'm just playing. Let me get it...

              Don't worry.

              See? Everýthing's all right.

              Thank you, bastard!

              I was just playing!

              What happened? I put the pills in his drink...

              I'll tell you, you blew it! You've ruined us. You idiot!

              - You incompetent moron! - You bitch!

              - Retard! - Rich bitch!

              Fat old bitch!

              Now we're talking...

              Honey, I'm home!

              You want to put a little English on the top...

              I just want to say that I know y'all tried to kill me.

              - Darling, that's ridiculous! - From what I hear, I'm an asshole.

              So I figure we're even: I was an asshole, you tried to kill me.

              - What are you talking about? - I know you tried to kill me.

              So let's just move on. We're adults, so what you tried to kill me?

              We're never going to have a good relationship till you admit it.

              - OK... we tried to kill you. - Gotcha! Police, here they are!

              - I'm sorry! - Just playing, I'm not going to tell.

              But I do need a favour. How can I get in touch with Sontee Jenkins?

              We can find out. Should I call our usual problem solvers?

              Maybe if they visit her, she'll change her tune.

              Does she have a dog? We could kill it.

              I don't have a problem with her. I want to ask her out on a date.

              Charles... !

              You were getting ready to have sex on the pool table!

              - You got an eight ball in your ass. - You're wrong.

              This isn't level, and we were trying to...

              Do me a favour, keep waxing that ass, keep her off mine.

              Waxing it?

              How do you change channels?

              How do you get MTV?



              - Hey! BET. - Not available.

              Descending to stafflevel.

              I'm gonna tell you. Baking soda'll get that right out.

              Does any TV in this house get BET?

              - BET, Mr Wellington? - Black Entertainment Television.

              No, I know what BET is.

              - You want to watch BET? - Yeah.

              The TV in the staff lounge gets BET.

              - Would you mind if I watched TV? - Not at all, Mr Wellington.

              This is your house. Enjoy!

              - Thanks a lot. Take care. - Thank you.

              You jungle-fever-having bastard!

              It's not enough he bosses me around upstairs? He got to come down here.

              If he asks me to change the channel, I'm going to cut his ass!


              Yes, Mr Wellington?

              - You don't like me, do you? - Oh, no. I like you just fine, sir.

              She can't stand your ass. You should hear her,

              "I hate Wellington. Boy, I hope he drops dead."

              "Wellington stupido. Wellington cheapo. Wellington assholo."

              - Sir, it's just disrespectful. - If I was you, I would hate me too.

              Tell you what I'm gonna do. You both get a    % raise.

              - Are you happy? - I'm ecstatic.

              Good. Take care!

              I'll believe that bullshit when I see my cheque.

              All right, here we go. Come on, baby!

              For Christ's sake, you gotta hit that. It's a wide open three!

              Come in!

              Sir! Anything I can do for you? I didn't hear the bell.

              - Is there anybody else in here? - I don't believe so, sir, no.

              You're not from England, are you?

              Of course I am, sir. I'm from London.

              I was born in Fulham, near the River Thames.

              My father was a gentleman's gentleman, and so am l.

              I was right outside the door. I heard you.

              You put on this fake accent to make rich folks feel comfortable. Good scam.

              So, where you really from?

              - I'm from Scarsdale. Crap! Am I fired? - No, you're not. Mind if I watch BET?

              Would you like me to change the channel?

              Drop the accent, "Would you like me to change the..."

              Just be yourself!

              OK... Do you want a beer?

              You know what? Let me get it. You worked all day.

              You got any Rheingolds?

              The second amateur spot for the final Apollo show has been awarded to

              comedian Joe Guy from Brooklyn. Stay tuned.

              - Where are you going... sir? - I've got to work on my material.

              - Where's the nearest subway? - Wanna take the car?

              What's up, Snoop?

              It's kind ofhard being Snoop D-O double-G, Y

              Keep coming up with funky ass shit like every single day

              What's up, museum?

              Sipping on gin and juice Laid back

              With my mind on my money And my money on my mind

              Sipping on gin andjuice

              With my mind on my money And my money on my mind

              Put up your "W"!

              Are you ready for more comedy? All right!

              Our next act just won a spot on the last night of the Apollo!

              Give it up for Joe Guy!

              What's up, brother? This place is looking fine!

              There's some fine-looking sisters, except for you...

              Sure this is a great idea?

              - This place does seem a little... - A little what?

              It's a little dark in here.

              Relax! These are my people.

              There's no more little towns in America.

              The whole country is malls,

              and every town's got two malls.

              They got the white mall and the mall white people used to go to.

              Because there ain't nothing in the black mall

              but sneakers and baby clothes.

              I guess that's all we doing, running and screwing.

              White people like their black the same way they like their seasoning.

              Just a dash!

              You go to a white mall, it's all nice. You got personal shoppers.

              Go to a black mall and people say, "Can I help you with your cheap shit?"

              White people get some money... Keep it. Stay rich. Kids get rich.

              Black people get some money, it's the countdown to "When's he going broke?"

              White people die, leave a will. Brother die and leave a bill.

              Hi, it's Sontee. Leave me a message, I'll call you back.

              Hi, Sontee, Charles Wellington here, the bastard. Remember me?

              I was just wondering if we can get together,

              get something to eat, catch a movie or something?

              Hey, Sontee. Charles Wellington here... Hope you like the flowers!

              All right. Give me a call.

              Charles Wellington again. You haven't called me!

              Can we get together, catch a movie, a play... something?

              Are you there? Are you screening this call?

              OK, I guess you're not there.

              Hey, Sontee... Charles Wellington. Are you there?

              I know you're there! Pick up the phone! I know you're there!

              Hey! Just playing... Just playing!

              Give me a call, OK?

              Good morning! Your answering machine is broken.

              Not broken, but it is full! Would you stop calling me?

              - What are you doing here? - I was in the neighbourhood.

              What were you doing? Shutting down old folks' homes?

              I thought we could get in the Rolls,

              have a little brunch, discuss this whole hospital thing.

              So, you're trying to impress me with the car and the money?

              Do you think I'm some video ho?

              If you want to impress me, do it at the board meeting.

              - Why not spend some time together? - Spend some time doing some good.

              - You got a nice touch with the ladies. - I can't get a girl in this body.

              I definitely can't get any laughs. Have you found anything yet?

              I'm working on it. I was just in Havana. Want one?

              No! I want a body and I want it now!

              You getting tough? I'm a friggin' angel.

              You don't want to be in Heaven, or here. There is a third option.

              I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just need a body.

              There's a big rap concert tonight... Somebody's going to die!

              Hey, don't forget about me! Go to the rap concert.

              It's over between us. I can't do this any more.

              Let's get out of here. We could go some place he'll never find us.

              Chechnya, East Timor... It'll be fun!

              I can't. After all, he is my husband and I love him.

              And I'm going to do whatever I can to get him back.

              Bitch! Scheming, double-crossing bitch!

              That's sweet, Winston, but it's too late.

              We cannot allow WelICo to take over!

              This is a very bad time to make a personal appearance.

              I've been looking into this hospital thing, and I think she had a point.

              Let's handle this the usual way.

              You do the strong silent thing, I'll field all the questions.

              I won't let you down!

              We can't have that! And there's one man responsible, Charles Wellington!

              You're a bad man!

              Get out of here!

              - Leave our hospital alone! - Scumbag!

              Now that you own Brooklyn Community Hospital,

              are you going to be turning away those who can't pay?

              Mr Wellington doesn't have time right now.

              I don't care what you got... cancer, rickets, polio, swine flu,

              the clap, dandruff, what else... Lyme disease, lemon disease.

              It don't matter, we'll take you.

              - Liar! - We won't take you!

              - Thank you! - Here they are, Mr Wellington,

              the faces you didn't dare confront. What do you have to say?

              Hey, what's up, Wheelie? Crutchie Crutch, how you doing?

              Hey, Big IV. Save me a sip. I want a sip now!

              I know what's wrong with you - your breath is destroying the environment.

              Why don't you tell them you don't care about them?

              And why you locked the press out of this meeting?

              I must have been out of my mind. Was I taking ecstasy that day?

              We're going in there. Sklar, grab a stretcher.

              Everybody! If you can walk, let's walk.

              If you can't walk, it's time to roll. Crutch your ass in there!

              We are going in! Come on, Big IV. Let's do this!

              Sorry, brother. Can we get some more juice for Big IV?

              I've brought in some friends from the media,

              so if anybody's not where they are supposed to be,

              or got a little crust in their eyes, you might want to get up right now.

              You can't bring news cameras in here.

              We've got nothing to hide.

              If there's not enough seats, sit on somebody's lap.

              - So, what's up? - At your hospital in Kentucky,

              a teenager with a bullet wound was sent to another hospital

              fifteen miles away, dying en route.

              Hospitals don't kill people, people do.

              We can't send people out with bullet wounds to their head.

              You have to take that seriously.

              We got a new slogan, "Shot in the head, you get a bed."

              "If your head is bloody, we're your buddy."

              I want bullet wounds to be treated like cash - accepted everywhere!

              - Not without adequate insurance? - Is insurance really adequate?

              When you pay for it, do you feel assured?

              They shouldn't call it insurance, but "In case shit".

              I give a company money in case shit happens.

              If it doesn't, shouldn't I get it back?

              If I'd known you would keep the money, I would've got in an accident!

              If you're taking my money, at least spend it on some poor sick people.

              Don't buy a Mercedes Benz with it

              and park in front of Brooklyn Hospital where broke people walk by.

              I just got off the bus and I've got to look at it? I should stab the tyre!

              And why do doctors cost so much? Do you know? Shut the hell up!

              It's like doctors charging so much for a triple bypass surgery.

              Going to charge somebody a hundred thousand dollars!

              And then got the nerve to say, "Take it easy."

              I've got to get a job driving another cab, just to pay off the doctors!

              We have to be different.

              Let's see how it feels to not be the evil corporation.

              Let's try taking in people bleeding with bullet wounds to the head.

              We tried the other way. We made a lot of money.

              So what if we lose a few million dollars? A lot of you look pissed off.

              Look like y'all want to get froggy. Well, come on!

              What are you going to do? You see this foot?

              It's from a little town called "Rich Man's Ass", and it's getting homesick.

              You guys have been a lovely audience.

              I wanna thank you all for showing up. Drive home safely!

              I gots to go! Take care!

              Thanks a lot. Pardon me. Nice shirt!

              Hey, Chuck! I feel like I haven't been tending to your needs.

              I know your biggest fantasy has always been a ménage ŕ trois,

              and you've always liked Blanche from the club...

              Hi, Chuck!

              How would you like to come over and taste me?

              - Sir, the handcuff lady's here. - Sontee?

              Mr Wellington.

              - Just call me Lance. - I thought your name was Charles.

              Charles is short for Lance. Charles is a maiden name.

              OK, Lance... I just came to say I'm sorry.

              I said a lot of bad things about you, but you kept brushing me off.

              If you meant what you said at the meeting...

              I'm sorry to jump in, but are you hungry?

              Have you been working all day?

              I know you were out there marching

              and AI Sharpton ate all the food.

              - You wanna get something to eat? - No, I don't think I should.

              I am not trying to impress you, I swear.

              I just want to feed you.

              That's all. We don't even have to drive. We could walk...

              We could skip. We'll skip to a meal?

              - I guess I am hungry. - Come on, let's go!

              - You don't like this place? - I am just surprised.

              - I didn't always have money. - Yeah, right...

              I used to visit clothes in store windows I had on lay-away.

              Used to? I was visiting a pair of shoes last week.

              I remember one time I put a coat on lay-away in September,

              so I figured I'd get it out in the winter.

              I couldn't get it out till June.

              - Did you wait till winter to wear it? - I wore that coat the whole summer.

              July  th I was on the beach with a goose down.

              Stop playing!

              Sweating... just drawing. Just dripping sweat. Slipping!

              To this day, when I want to lose weight, I just put on a hot coat.

              Stop, drop Shut them down, open up shop

              Oh, no Just a rough rider

              Niggers wanna try Niggers wanna lie

              Niggers wonder why Niggers wanna die

              All I feel is pain All I feel is rain

              What! What!

              - Yo, dog... - What?

              - Are you OK? - Yeah, I'm OK.

              - Have you lost your mind? - I forgot who I was.

              - You forgot who you were? - I like the song: DMX, "Rough Riders".

              What about us singing, "Whiteys wanna die, whiteys can't try"?

              Might get a record deal.

              You're something else.

              I didn't know what to expect, but I didn't expect this!

              When I look at you, it's like I see somebody else inside you.

              Even when I was trying to be mad at you, I see something else.

              - Sounds crazy, huh? - No, it's not crazy.

              It's... it's not crazy.

              - Some date, huh? - I thought you were just feeding me.

              I was till I got my ass whooped!

              That guy punched me like I owed him child support!

              That was different than I thought it would be.

              Different good, or different weird?

              A little bit of both, I think. You didn't seem like my type.

              So what's your type look like?

              It's not all about looks. I just kind of like a guy with all of his teeth.

              - That's a good rule. - I like a slim guy,

              a guy with a goatee, nice eyes, and he's got to be funny.

              - I guess I don't have a chance. - What's your type?

              I like my women the same way I like my coffee... Puerto Rican!

              - Just playing... - You watch it!

              Boy, here we are...

              - So, can I call you? - Well, let me ask you something...

              Did you say that stuff at the hospital to try to get with me?

              At first, yeah.

              Then I remembered you said, "Do something positive with your money."

              So I figured I might as well help.

              If I get with you... great! But if not, at least somebody'll be happy.

              You know, I'd better go.

              Guess I'd better be going, too.

              Yeah... I wonder who the Knicks played?

              I think they played the Lakers or somebody...

              I'm sorry...

              I'm sorry. Was I wrong?

              No... I knew you would try to kiss me tonight, and I thought I'd be mad.

              But I'm not. It's something about your eyes.

              You know, the first kiss is always in the middle of a sentence.

              It's always like, "Tomorrow I'm going to the zoo to see the..."

              It could be like...

              "Did you hear about that new war in Russia? I heard..."

              So I can call you, right? I mean, just to talk.

              No nasty talk or anything. Unless that's what you're into!

              Good night.

              Yes! Yes! Yes!

              My baby! My baby!

              Get off my foot, bitch!

              - OK, let's go! - Hey! Don't sneak up on me like that.

              Sorry. I got a new body for you.

              I don't need the body any more.

              We have one minute to get you into this fabulous corpse.

              I'm cool with Wellington, 'cause Sontee's cool with Wellington.

              I just waited through three rap songs for you.

              You can't keep the body, even if you are smitten with some girl.

              It's not some girl. It's the girl.

              You got Heaven, but you don't got this. She's so fine. We like the same stuff.

              She laughs at my stupid jokes, and I don't have to censor myself.

              But she only knows me as Wellington,

              so I don't want to change now.

              Trust me, it's better this way.

              - Give me your wallet! - One second...

              Are you sure I won't die for forty years?

              Technically, yes. But...

              ...this body is just a loaner! Boy, nobody listens to me.

              Come on, rob me. I've got money!

              How does he want to be more involved with running the company?

              He wants to be... more involved with running... the company.

              - I thought you had him under control. - I did.

              I don't know where this came from.

              Maybe you schtupping his wife changed his attitude.

              There's no need to get personal.

              I take personally the statement, "What if we lose a few million dollars?"

              I didn't get into this to lose money.

              Do you think this crap extends to auditing the company's finances?

              - Jesus, I hope not! - Blah, blah, blah... Let's just kill him.

              What are you laughing about?

              Winston, do you want to take the lead on this one?

              Cisco, I need you to get in contact with a man named Whitney Daniels.

              Tell him I need to talk to him.

              Pretty sweet, huh? Up here, Mr Daniels.

              Entering second floor. Entering second floor.

              I saw this girl the other day and she was ugly.

              She was asking for a booty call. I said, "I'm going to give you a zooty call."

              What the hell do you think you're doing? This isn't your act!

              Calm down! Hey, everybody... Whitney Daniels!

              Shut up!

              You've been great, but we're going to take a little break.

              Come on, everybody, let's get back to work.

              - What the hell is going on here? - I know it looks crazy,

              but to get the last night at the Apollo, I need a place to work out.

              You want to do one of the amateur spots at the Apollo?

              Do your butlers go to comedy clubs and steal people's acts?

              - You think my act is stolen? - I know it is.

              I would have stolen better material, but the kid worked it pretty well.

              - Two Rheingolds coming at you. - Thanks a lot, Cisco.

              You took everýthing from the kid, huh?

              Don't tell me that Rheingold is all you can afford.

              I didn't steal anything. I just want to play the Apollo, and only you can help.

              I'm out of the comedy business. Last person I was going to help is dead.

              - Anyway, he was a special case. - What was so special about him?

              Nothing, really, if you want to know.

              He didn't have much talent to speak of, but no matter how bad it went -

              and sometimes it went really bad -

              he wanted to get back on stage.

              He was a good kid, and I wanted to be there when things got good for him.

              But I guess that won't happen now.

              - Thanks for the beer. - Whitney, it's me, Lance!

              I got hit by a truck and I went up to Heaven.

              They took my body, and I'm in Heaven and it's all blue...

              And this guy, Mr King, he looked like Ricky Ricardo...

              I don't know if it's drugs you're taking, or need to be taking,

              but do something!

              Whitney, remember when we did that gig in Atlantic City?

              They only paid us two-fifty,

              and we got real drunk and hung out with these two girls.

              We got so drunk, we thought they was transvestites.

              It turns out they were just two real ugly girls.

              We brought them back to the hotel, hung out.

              And we woke up - what did we find out? They robbed us!


              This is impossible!

              You've been going to church your whole life,

              putting money in the collection plate. This is just your tax dollars at work.

              Wait a minute! Does God have a sense of humour?

              I haven't met God, but the Devil got some good weed.

              Just playing... I haven't met him yet.

              But I met Mr King, he's like the manager up there.

              The manager?

              Having a comedy club in your home doesn't mean you can pull this off.

              You've got to work in front of a real audience.

              I got an audience. You heard me getting laughs.

              What else?

              Your mother's armpits are so hairy, it looks like buckwheat in a headlock.

              What I like about telling jokes is that it's you versus the audience.

              Nobody cares what you look like or what you wear.

              People just want to know if you're funny. Can you bring it?

              I just want to go to the Apollo and bring it one time.

              What about what you said at the hospital?

              People think that stuff but never say it.

              - I was just talking. - Yeah, but it worked!

              - What do you mean, worked? - It was funny.

              What's up, G?

              Welcome home, G.

              What are you doing?

              Backing that ass up.

              How about you and me knock boots?

              It's just, you know, I've noticed lately

              you've been into the whole... Jet Magazine thing, and...

              - Listen, I want a divorce. - Is it because I tried to jack you?

              No, it's got nothing to do with you trying to jack me.

              The truth is, there's somebody else.

              Oh... you got another ho.

              Just divorce me. You can have the house, the car...

              whatever you want, I don't want it.

              - Word? - Word.

              You know, you're a great person inside,

              and you need to get in touch with the person inside.

              And until you do that, you need to stay inside.

              So, take care, all right?

              He's lost his mind!

              Your next act loves comedy so much, he bought the whole club.

              Please welcome Charles Wellington Ill.

              - Are you all right? - Yeah.

              - How are you feeling? - I feel good.

              Great, because the judges from the Apollo are here.

              How you doing? All right.

              When I was a kid, we were so poor

              that the roaches was on welfare.

              Poor, my ass! Get off the stage, you fake Bill Gates!

              Yeah, we was real poor.

              We were so poor that the rats had bald spots.

              Crap! Cripitty crap!

              I've got to listen to this because you own the club?

              Rich son of a bitch!

              That's comedy! Drinks for everybody!

              Just shut up before I crush you with my wallet.

              Bothering me on the job - do I come to your job and bother you?

              Do I take the squeegee out of your hand? I leave it right there.

              I didn't always have money. No... I was a kid, we really was poor.

              We were so broke, my dad was the cheapest man on earth.

              He was so cheap that when we went to bed he unplugged the clocks!

              "You can't tell time when you're asleep."

              The last spot for the Apollo's final show goes to...

              ..millionaire Charles Wellington. And to make the night right,

              closing out the show will be Brian McKnight.

              I don't know what got into that Wellington, but I like it.

              Fur is murder! Fur is murder!

              I'll show you murder!

              Don't be stingy!

              - Stick to the soft stuff. - Kiss my ass!

              I'm so glad we're giving back to the community.

              Put on the hat!

              - I still got to not get booed off stage. - You're doing pretty good.

              - Thank you for the party. - No problem, Sickie.

              You sick bastard!

              What have you got here? Damn, you're a sick man!

              Nurse! Get this man a table dance, right now!

              - So, will you marry me? - What?

              I love looking at you, talking to you, laughing with you.

              Sometimes I call your answering machine

              because I love your voice.

              The cars, the money... I'd give it all up, just for you.

              Today I changed the diaper of an   -year-old man,

              - and I'd give it all up just for you! - That's a big sacrifice.

              Mr Barton!

              - What? - Nothing.

              Hold that thought! I'll be right back.

              - I said hold that thought! - OK.

              - Keyes, get out of here! - Lance, you've got to come with me.

              Can't you see I'm busy? Grab yourself some ribs.

              I'm not the bad guy here!

              - Can I take my hands down now? - Yes, you can.

              So you really want to get married?

              I really do. Just look at me, you know I'm not lying.

              I know. There's something about your eyes.

              I just want to remember all of this.

              You're not going to forget me, right?

              You act like something's going to happen.

              If something did happen,

              Iike some day you met a guy... a black guy, a white guy, a Spanish guy,

              if he was sincere, you'd give him a shot, right?

              What are you talking about?

              Everýthing's all right. Everýthing's all right.

              - So you brought the big gun. - You've got to play by the rules.

              I'm sick of it. From now on I make the rules.

              - No one makes these rules, kid. - Every time I get something going,

              - you take my body. - This was just a temporary setup.

              I'm not scared of you. I got lawyers now, and money.

              - I'm playing the Apollo, and I'm in love. - This is bigger than that.

              - Nothing's bigger than that! - It's fate.

              Why is that when it's bad it's fate, but when it's good it's luck?

              Is anything good supposed to happen to me?


              Somebody call     !

              Sorry, Lance, I tried to warn you.

              - You gotta get me back. - No dice. We had a deal.

              - I'll be anybody! - There'll be consequences.

              I'll take them. Just get me back!

              Hello, Sontee.

              I just can't believe he's gone. Just like that.

              He's not gone.

              - I know in a way he'll live on, but... - No, honestly.

              You think you loved Charles Wellington,

              but really you loved someone inside of him.

              And he didn't die tonight. He's living on, somewhere.

              I'm sure of it. And he'll always remember us.

              - What are we doing here? - This is your future.

              - I'm going to be Joe Guy? - That's the plan.

              I don't want to take his life. He's a nice guy.

              - It'll all work out for the best. - I'm not so sure with you.

              Look out, Joe!



              Taxi! Taxi!


              Taxi! Taxi!

              Taxi! Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!

              I'm black again!

              I'm black again! I'm a black man!

              Thank God I'm a black man!

              Police are questioning Winston Sklar in relation to the murder.

              To those who knew him, Charles Wellington was two men:

              a ruthless businessman and, more recently, a kind philanthropist.

              That man who got shot today, that wasn't Charles Wellington.

              He was always a cheap ...

              no-good mother ... with a stick up his ...

              The man in the park today, he was my brother. I loved that man.

              Chuck Wellington... There will never be another one like him.

              - I can't believe he's gone. - No more questions.

              Charles Wellington III, dead at the age offifty-three.

              He leaves behind his wife, Amber...

              You're not going to forget me, right?

              There's something about your eyes...

              Everything's all right. Everything's all right.

              ...eccentric millionaire left his money to charities, friends

              and his domestic staff.

              Well, it's showtime at the Apollo as it closes its doors for good.

              Hey, haven't seen you in a while. What you doing backstage?

              - How about a loan? - Stop it! I'm just hanging out.

              I miss Booey, too.

              Thank you!


                - No, I'm Phil. - Sorry.

                How about a hand for your next act, Mr Joe Guy!

                - Hey, Whit. - Hey, Joe.

                Make me laugh!

                Apollo... Yeah!

                So, what is it all about? Looks? Looks will determine everýthing.

                You want people to judge you by the character, what you feel inside.

                Nobody cares. All they care about is your looks.

                If you look good, you're going to have a good life.

                The uglier you are, the smarter you'd better be.

                You need a book for every ten pounds you're overweight.

                Or you'd better get two books, and get a computer while you're at it!


                I was at the Knick game, looking at the seats.

                The higher the seats got, the uglier the people got.

                If I was the usher I wouldn't need tickets, I'd just look at faces.

                You got to go up top!

                A woman can fall in love with an ugly man and admit it.

                Show him off to all her friends and the family, and be so proud.

                They're holding his hand like, "I just want you to meet Kevin.

                "I know he don't look that good, but he's good to me."

                Guys would never admit to being in love with an ugly woman.

                We ain't telling nobody... "I heard you got married." "Who told you that?"

                Life. What's life all about?

                Love! Love, love, love, love. You want to be in love.

                That's right. You want to feel that first kiss again.

                Because that's the only real kiss in a relationship, is the first kiss.

                All the rest of the kisses are just protocol.

                Every other kiss is protocol. Just routine.

                "Hey, you was gone, you back."

                "Hey, we're having sex." "Hey, I miss you."

                The first kiss is the only real one.

                And it always happens in the middle of a conversation.

                You don't even know what they're talking about...

                "And maybe someday I was thinking about trying to get the..."

                The first kiss is always like double Dutch.

                You just sitting there like, "When do I get in?"

                "Oh, yeah! I'm kissing! I'm kissing, I'm kissing."

                Hey, I got to go. Y'all be good.

                That's my dog!

                Joe Guy, ladies and gentlemen.

                - Whitney! - Lance!

                They didn't boo! They didn't boo!

                Why not make the whole thing out of the black box?

                We are back in business, huh?

                I'm back, Whit. You and me!

                Lance, I'm proud of you.

                - Lance. - Mr King. Keyes.

                Congratulations! You killed them. We're cool, right?

                - We real cool. - We've got to talk.

                Remember Wellington was just a temporary setup.

                This is your body. It's time to set up house, kid, 'cause this is you.

                I'll sign a lease right now.

                Joe, listen to Phil Quon, kid. You're about to shine.

                Kid, when we leave, you will be Joe Guy.

                You won't remember Keyes, or me.

                I'm going to remember you like you whipped my ass in third grade.

                Lance, you're not getting it.

                You won't remember Charles Wellington, Sontee or Lance Barton.

                You will be Joe Guy.

                What do you mean, I won't remember Sontee?

                I got hit by a truck, I got smashed by a car, I got shot.

                And now you want to take my soul?

                Lance, nobody could take your soul.

                What you look like, that's just clothing.

                How can I get Sontee if I don't remember her?

                If Sontee doesn't remember me?

                The funny thing about reincarnation is that you're still you.

                I got a good feeling about this.

                It was hard enough trying to get this girl as a rich white man.

                - What about as a broke black man? - See you around, Joe.

                You and me on the road. We could blow up, son.

                Joe, are you all right?

                Lance? Lance?

                Lance, come on, let's celebrate. I've got some big plans.

                - What are you talking about? - Lance? Nobody else is around.

                Why do you keep calling me Lance?

                Look at me for a second, will you?

                - Lance. - Joe Guy.

                Oh, you mean your boy, Lance Barton.

                I'm sorry. Are you still dealing with that, huh?


                Yeah, I...

                ..guess I am.

                - Look, Mr Daniels... - Whitney.

                Whitney. I don't have a manager.

                Could I come by your office and leave a tape?

                Maybe you could take me on.

                Yeah, sure...

                Call me tomorrow.


                You're a good kid.

                Thanks a lot. I'll call you tomorrow.

                Joe Guy.

                Don't act like you don't know me.

                And if you don't like the tape, keep it to yourself.

                - Right. - It's going to be all right.

                Excuse me, I'm looking for Whitney Daniels.

                Just go straight, you make a right and go down the stairs.

                - He should be by the dressing rooms. - Thanks.

                I'm sorry, but do you think they'll let me back there?

                Sure, the show's been over for about an hour.

                - Do I know you? - No.

                Seriously. I'm not joking, I just feel like I met you before.


                - Joe Guy. - Sontee Jenkins.



                We'd better get out of here before they lock us in.

                Give me your hand. I know my way around here.

                Don't be scared, everýthing's all right.

                - What did you just say? - Everything's all right, like the song.

                It's just that when you said that, it... You're a comedian?

                - Do I sing that bad? - No.

                - You were on tonight, how did you do? - They didn't boo.

                - There's an after-party... - I didn't mean to hold you up.

                No, I don't feel like going. Do you want to get something to eat?

                Are you asking me out?

                No, I just want to feed you.

                Yeah, I'm starved.

                - Nice shoes. - Thank you.

                - So, what do you do? - Medicine.

                - Are you a drug dealer? - Watch it!

                No. Actually, I own Brooklyn Community Hospital.

                You own a hospital?

                My uncle went there for a new liver and they sent him to the supermarket.

                - How you doing, sir? - This your ride?

                If you want to keep it, get it out of here!

                This is nice! What kind of mileage do you get on this?

                Oh, pretty good.

                Cocktails, Miss Jenkins?

                - Are you the maid? - Do I look like the maid? I'm the paid.

                This is my friend, Wanda.

                Let you out of the car for a minute and you're picking up strays.

                - Did you know your coat's bleeding? - Mind your business!

                - You OK, Sontee? - I'm OK. You OK?

                - Cisco, you OK? - I'm OK. Wanda?

                - No, I spilt my drink! - You know what, you drink, I drive.

                - Didn't I say to keep an eye on him? - I'm sorry. Won't happen again, sir.

                Cisco, you got any music?

                Here you go.

                Rolling down the street smoking lndo

                Sipping on gin and juice Laid back

                With my mind on my money And my money on my mind




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