Down With Love Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Down With Love script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Renee Zellweger and Ewan McGregor.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Down With Love. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Down With Love Script



The place, New York City.



The time, now, 1962.



And there's no time

or place like it.



If you've got a dream...



this is the place

to make that dream come true.



That's why the soaring population

of hopeful dreamers...



has just reached

eight million people.



Oh! Make that

eight million and one.



Hey, taxi! Taxi!



Hey, wait!

Where are you going?



Down with the bomb!



Down with the bomb!

Down with the bomb!



Down with the bomb!



- Down with the bomb!



- Barbara?



- "Oh."



- Barbara Novak?

- Oh, I think so.



- Oh, thank goodness you're here!

- Vikki?



Vikki Hiller, your editor,

in the flesh.



It is so nice to finally

meet you in person.



My goodness,

you're gorgeous!



We're gonna set up a photo shoot

for the book jacket.



There's plenty of time. The book doesn't

come out for a week. One week!



Oh, my! Don't be nervous.




Barbara, this is my secretary Gladys.

Gladys, Barbara Novak.



Oh, I know. It's a pleasure.



Hello, Gladys! I'm glad to finally have

a face to put with the voice.



Vick, I need you

to sigh off on this pronto.



Maurice Johns, art director.



Barbara Novak, your cover!



- " Oh, Maurice!"



I love it!



Down With Love.

Hear! Hear!



I only wish somebody had written

your book    years ago...



before it was too late for me.



Gladys, it's never too late.



Great job. Sorry if the guys in New

Production have been riding your tail.



I'm not.



They're ready for you

in the lion's den.



- Lion's den?

- Oh, don't worry. You'll be fine.



Just take a deep breath.



Gentlemen, this is Miss Novak.



- E.G.

- C.B.



- C.W.

- J.B.



- J.R.

- R.J.



- Okay.

- "O.K. Can't make it."



- He's down with T.B.

- Oh, what a shame. Is it serious?



No, they're just having breakfast.

T.B. Is Theodore Banner.



You know, the owner of Banner House,

the fellow publishing your little book?



That's his portrait, there.



Forgive me if we kept you

waiting, but Barbara hit a storm...



on her way down from Maine.



- So you've come down from Maine, huh?

- You remember, C.B.



Miss Novak is

the farmer's daughter librarian...



who spent the long,

cold New England winter...



writing her manuscript

by the light of a lonely oil lamp.



I'm at a loss here, ladies.



I'm afraid I don't know exactly

what Miss Novak's book is about.



Miss Novak's book is a serious work

"of nonfiction entitled"...



Vikki, excuse me.

It's right behind you.



Would you mind pouring me

a cup of coffee?



It's a serious work of nonfiction...



"entitled" Down With Love.



- This is empty.

- "If you're making a fresh pot,"

I'll have a cup.



- Count me in.

- "Likewise."



- Ditto.

- None for me, Vikki.



- Thanks, R.J.

- I'll have a Sanka.



As I was saying, the central thesis

"of Miss Novak's book," Down With Love...



is that women will never be happy

until they become...



independent as individuals by achieving

equal participation in the workforce.



And how do you propose

women do this, Miss Novak?



By saying, "Down with love."



Love is a distraction.



If women were to stop falling in love,

it would mean the end of the human race.



Not at all.



I said women should refrain

from love, C. W"..."



not sex.



Isn't that the same thing?



I mean, for women.



It won't be, after they've mastered the

three levels I've outlined in my book...



that will teach any woman

to live life the way a man does.



Level one instructs women

to abstain from men altogether...



so they'll stop thinking that

the pleasures experienced during

the sex act are related to love.



They're not,

as women will learn...



by practicing the self-pleasuring

technique that I've detailed...



in chapter seven entitled...

"Up With Chocolate. '"'



- You see, gentlemen...



the female experiences

a biological reaction to chocolate...



that triggers the same

pleasurable responses as are

triggered during the sex act.



By substituting chocolate for sex...



the female will soon learn

the difference between sex and love.



Love for a man will

no longer occupy her mind.



She will now find that she has

the time and the energy...



to move on to level two...



where taking on new challenges will lead

to the self-sufficience of level three...



where the woman becomes active

in the workplace...



and earns and achieves

an unequivocal equality...



with men.



And all this time the woman

is abstaining from sex?



Heavens no!



By level three, she can have sex

whenever she likes, without love...



and enjoy it the way a man does...

à la carte.



Well, Miss Novak, your "theories..."



may have worked with

the gentlemen up in Maine...



but the men in Manhattan are not the fine,

upstanding, straightforward men of Maine.



The men of Manhattan are devious.



They're dangerous. They'll be

coming at you from every angle.



While you're watching your front,

they'll attack from the rear!



And while you're protecting your rear,

they'll drop out of the sky.






Oh, one more kiss!



Easy, baby.

Be careful you don't fall out.






Very good. I'll let him know.



Mr. MacMannus? Catcher Block

has just landed on the roof.



KNOW "magazine."



- Are you Catcher Block's secretary?

- Yes, Mr. MacMannus.



I'm Sally. I'm new.



They're always new.

When he gets in, tell him to see me.



He's fired.



- You're fired!

- No, I'm not.



Oh, yes, you are!



So you can take your Pulitzer

and your beloved Underwood

and your change of underwear...



and clear out.



Do you work for me?



You had a story due yesterday,

but I gave you more time.



I held the presses so you could get

your scoop on Nazis hiding in Argentina.



Then I see "this!"



"Item: "KNOW" magazine's

star journalist, Catcher Block...



"ladies' man, man's man,

man about town,



"Was seen leaving the Copa

last night with a doggie bag...



and three girls

from the floor show."



I took the Bossa Nova

triplets to Cocoa Beach.



NASA was throwing a luau.



Well, I hope you enjoyed it...



because unless you found Nazis

hiding at your luau, you're fired!



There were Nazis hiding at your luau!

I knew you'd do it!



What do you got for me, Catch?

What do you got?



Argentina isn't the only hiding place for

Nazis. They're hiding them in Florida too.



Wow! How?

Who's hiding them?



- "We are."

- We Americans?



Why? Nazis are bad.

We're good.



Yeah, but some bad Nazis

are good scientists.



The guy building the rocket that'll land on

the moon first and win us the space race?



He's a Nazi, and I saw

the top-secret file to prove it.



Here. I brought you a souvenir.






A top-secret NASA

security clearance badge!



- How did you get this?

- Blame it on the bossa nova.



The triplets?






You see, Lola shakes

her maracas...



and Rosa bounces her bongos...



while Nina is all hands...



    words a minute.



The story? It's written?



Whoa! Catch!



But is it safe to print?

NASA's gonna blow its stack.



Well, they forgave Germany.

They can forgive us.



Get someone from Legal up here.



Yes, sir. Yes, sir.



Yes, sir. Yes, sir!



My analyst says I only react to you

with such vehement loathing...



because I admire you so much.



He says I resent you

for being a self-made man...



as opposed to the son

of a self-made man.



Here. Hope you have your garters

from last night. There's none in here.



Garters? I haven't worn garters

since Nixon conceded.



What, are you turning into

some sort of beatnik?



Step into the future.

Garters are a thing of the past.



I don't know, Catch.



I have enough

of an insecurity complex...



without worrying about

my socks falling down.



How can you be confident you won't show

a shiny shin when you cross your legs?



It's a miracle of the space age.



Silk manufacturers are using new wonder

fibers like Lycra, Orlon and Dacron...



to put super stay-up power

into their over-the-calf sock.



What would you say is

the average length for most men?



How would I know?



You think I spend all my time

in the locker room at the club

making a comparative study?



Let me see yours again, then.



We could measure.

I'll get a ruler.



-  Better make it a yardstick.



Let's be accurate. Make sure

you've got it fully extended.



Have it up the whole way.



It stays up all the way

all day long, man.



That's the miracle I was telling you about.

Better living through chemistry.



You got    inches.



Sixteen inches?



How long does a man's hose

have to be?



That's    inches

of confidence in every step.



Don't forget...

I've got two of'em.



I don't believe it. You went through

another one. That's three this month.



What is it about the workplace

that women just can't seem to handle?



What is it about the workplace

that women just can't seem to handle?



Men! They want us to fail.



The nerve, inviting me to New York

to launch my book...



when they have no intention

of promoting it!



- Don't worry. I have a plan.

- You do?



Remember last winter you said you'd like

publicity where men would see it too?



"Perhaps in a men's magazine,"

you said.



"A prestigious men's magazine.



The most widely circulated and

highly respected men's magazine."



- "KNOW?"

- Yes, you did.



No, I mean "KNOW. KNOW" magazine,

for men in the know.



Oh, yes. Exactly.



- You got us advertising in "KNOW?"

- "I did better."



I got you a cover story written by "KNOW"

magazine's star journalist Catcher Block.



Catcher Block? The ladies' man,

man's man, man about town?



Oh, Vikki,

you're the best friend...



a girl from Maine who wrote a book

and came to New York could ever have!



You don't know the half of it.



I hear Catcher Block

is gorgeous... and eligible.



Not that that matters to us.



Down with love!



I can't believe it.

Me on the cover of "KNOW. KNOW!"



- No.

- "Catch, please, I promised."

It's one cover story.



A girl's never called me in my life,

let alone invited me for a drink.



I think this Vikki really likes me.



I think I might really like her.



I'm sure I would if she

really likes me, and she does

because I led her to believe...



that as the owner of "KNOW" magazine,

I had some pull with my staff.



Then pull your staff with one of

your other writers. I'm not doing it.



No, it can't be anyone else.



The best thing I have to offer

a woman is the same as the best

thing you have to offer... you.



But I'm all tied up, Mac.

I'm using me.



Oh, come on! It'll be fun.



- You like fun.

- Fun?



Interviewing a man-hating embittered

New England spinster librarian?



How do you know what she's like?



Who else would write a book

called "Down With Love?"



You don't have to be a Nazi

rocket scientist to figure that out.



Catch, please, please, please, please?



I hope you won't be disappointed.



Oh, Vikki, it's adorable.



My first New York phone call!



It must be "KNOW" magazine.

No one else has your number.



It must be Catcher Block!



- Oh!

- Oh!



- This is Barbara Novak.

- This is Catcher Block.



Catcher Block.

Catcher Block.



- "KNOW" magazine.

- Oh, yes, of course.



What can I do for you,

Mr. Block?



I think it's what I can do for you,

Miss Novak.



I'd like to invite you to lunch

so we can discuss your book.



That sounds very nice...



but I'll have to check my schedule

to see when I'm available.



We've already ordered. Can you be in

the Mahogany Room in ten minutes?



I'm afraid that will be

impossible, Mr. Block.



- Some other time, then.

- Right.



I'll see you in   .



Catch, you are the best friend a guy

with    diagnosed neuroses ever had.



We've been friends a long time.

I knew you when you only had   .



This is great!

I'll be right back.



Gotta go put in my shoe lifts.



- Guess who.

- As if I'd need to guess.



- Hmm. Tell me my name.

- Tell me you love me.



Blimey, Catch.

You know I love you.



And I love you too... Gwendolyn.






- How long's your layover?

- Never long enough.



There's always time for a matinee.



Well, hello, Peter.

Barbara Novak, Peter MacMannus.



Nice to meet you,

Mr. MacMannus.



- " Where's Mr. Block?"

- Yes, where's Mr. Block?



I, uh, I don't know. Henri.



- Where is Mr. Block?

- I don't know.



A Mr. Block for you,

Mr. MacMannus?






Here he is now.



- Catcher!

- Mac.



- Where are ya?

- Something sprang up. Is she there?



- "Yes, she is."

- "Let me speak to the spinster."



Mr. Block would like

to speak with you.



- This is Barbara Novak.

- I'm so sorry, Miss Novak.



The darndest thing.



I was waiting for you at the bar,

and a little English foxhound...



walked right in, came up to me

and started nuzzling me.



She seemed so lost, and she didn't

want to go with anyone else...



so I just had to take care of her.



Mr. Block, that is so thoughtful.



I remember reading that the true test

of a man's character...



is how he treats

a defenseless creature.



Tell me, Mr. Block,

how is the little bitch now?



Well, I've got her

all nestled in a box...



but I don't think she'll be content

until I'm holding her.



Miss Novak, could we

rain check until dinner?



Of course.



Well, good-bye, Mr. Block.

Until dinner.






This is Barbara Novak.



Miss Novak, I am so sorry.



- The darndest thing.

- Yes, Mr. Block?



I'm out in the park

with my little French poodle...



and she's just not ready to go in yet,

if you know what I mean.



Oh, I do,

but here's a little advice...



from a farm girl to a city boy.



You'll find that if you stick

a little twig in her bottom...



she'll remember why she went out

with you in the first place.



I'll keep that in mind.



Miss Novak, I hate to ask...



but could we rain check

until breakfast?



Of course.

Good-bye, Mr. Block.



Until breakfast.



I... just don't know.



It's not like Catch to be late.



No. He usually calls

to cancel right on time.



Oh, Barbara,

I'm sure he'll call.



I mean, come.



Elkie and I missed you

at lunch yesterday, Gwendolyn.



Oh, I, uh, took in a matinee...



with Catcher Block.



Is that so?



But Elkie and I missed you

at dinner last night, Yvette.



Oh, I took in a night game...

with Catcher Block.



- I told him I'd give up flying for him.

- "I did too!"



- Now I wonder if he ever loved me.

- I wonder if he even cared.



I wonder what's keeping Elkie!



This is Barbara Novak.



I'm so sorry, Miss Novak.

The darndest thing.



I got waylaid by the sweetest Swedish lap

hound, who kept me up half the night...



and I'm afraid I'm still in bed.



My! You do get waylaid.



- Would you care for another beverage?

- Yeah, sure. Thank you.



- I beg your pardon?

- I was saying thank you.

You're very understanding.



Could we rain check until lunch?



Oh, Mr. Block.



You can take your rain check...



and as we say on the farm

at harvest time...



put it where the sun

does not shine!



Miss Novak, if you're looking

to get dinner, then just say so.



Mr. Block...



I wouldn't meet with you...



in a hundred years!



- Good-bye, Mr. Block...






Mr. MacMannus,

thank you for your trouble.



Not at all.



Vikki, I'll call a taxi.



- Guess this means we're through.

- Oh, it's sad, isn't it?



This is the first time I've had to

eliminate having a future with a man...



before we've even had a chance

to have had a past.



Good-bye, Mr. MacMannus.



- "  "

- " It was nice while it lasted."



I haven't had dinner and breakfast

with the same woman since I had a nanny.



I'm sorry, Peter, but Vikki

is not the only girl for you.



That's why I brought you here.



You brought me here...

because we're buddies, right?



Bosom buddies.



Get a load of those rockets.



- Here's to antigravity.

- Stay with me, buddy.

You'll get the spins.



And whatever you do,

don't close your eyes.



Don't close your eyes.



Open your eyes. Open your eyes.



Ta-da! It's your book.



On sale, Scribners, Fifth Avenue.






Just one?



All that work,

and-and-and-and one?



If somebody buys it,

well, then there will be none.



It will be as if

it never even existed.



No, no.

Doubleday also has one.



- Mmm.



I know you're thinking this is

a real setback, but I promise you...



I will think of something.



If only we could get your book

"on" The Ed Sullivan Show.



If only we could get your book

"on" The Ed Sullivan Show.






How exactly do you get a book

on "The Ed Sullivan Show?"



Vikki, you're incredible.



She wasn't even on the bill.

How did they fit her into the lineup?



- Oh, the best luck.



The Singing Nun fell off her scooter

coming across the Triborough Bridge.



I guess somebody up there likes me.



We have for you a really big surprise...



because to coincide

with the arrival of the new book...



Down With Love...



which this week is at your booksellers

from coast to coast...



we have a very, very special

friend of our show...



to do a song of that book.



Now, I want a really big,

warm welcome...



for Judy Garland...



right on this stage.






Yes, ma'am". Down With Love"

by Barbara Novak.



It's called "Down With Love"

by Barbara Novak.



- Yes!



You said she was a spinster.



I've never used

the word "spinster" in my life.



Okay, once, when I told my mother

it was technically incorrect

to call her son a spinster.



- You said she was a brunette.

- I did not!



She sure didn't sound like a blond

on the telephone.



- You still want to date Vikki?

- Of course. You think I

want to die a spinster?



- Tell her I'll do the cover story.

- You are the best friend...



Just... call.



Not since Johannes Gutenberg's

invention of the printing press...



which changed forever

the landscape of man's destiny...



has one book reached so many

and achieved so much...



reminding all of us here today...



of the noble goal which called us

to toil in the field of publishing...



to begin with...






So here's to Banner House's

new number-one author...



and our new number-one editor.



Say cheers, everyone.






Those men are livid, B.N.



You're a hit.

You're bigger than the pill.



Oh, talk about "big," V.H.



This office is huge. Congratulations.



We did it.



Well, hello, Gladys!

You look wonderful.



As you told me, Barbara,

it's never too late.



Oh, Vikki, Peter MacMannus

called again.



Now it's every half hour.



Tell him we're too busy.



- What do you mean? "Too busy"?

- You know what it means.



They hate us.



Too busy?



Kennedy, Khrushchev and Castro weren't

too busy during the Cuban Missile Crisis...



to sit down and talk to me...



but this "Down With Love" chick

is too busy.



Doing what? Eating chocolate?



I'm sorry, panel. You've been stumped.



- The author of the best seller,

Down With Love...

- It's Novak!



- "Barbara Novak."



Barbara, I know every woman

bought your book...



and every man sneaked out and bought it

to find out what their women were reading.



- That's when the sales doubled.



But then they tripled.

How did that happen?



It seems that church groups

in the Bible belt were so zealous...



about being seen burning my book...



that every time they had a bonfire,

they would call and reorder...



so that they could have another one.



Now, I've heard a lot of talk

about chapter eight...



about the worst kind of man,

the kind every woman should avoid.



What's that title again?



"Men who change women as often

as they change their shirts."



And have you met a lot

of that kind of man in your research?



You're not asking me

to name names, are you?



- No, of course not.



Catcher Block.









Four million women

in the naked city...



and the one you let get away, the one

you had to get on the bad side of...



is the woman "all" the other

four million are listening to.



You blew it, buddy.



The age of Catcher Block, ladies' man,

man's man, man about town...



is over!



The king is dead.



I hate to spoil your fun, but

the four million women I go out with...



don't listen to Barbara Novak.






Hey, Gwendolyn, baby.

Where are you?



Then get out of the airport.

We have reservations for   :  .



Well, you can't sit

in the terminal till  :   a.m.



Aren't you going to get hungry?



No, I'm pretty full.



Besides, I have to...

catch up on some reading.



Reading? Reading what?



Good night, Gwendolyn.



What's the matter, Catch?

Lose another one?



I am going to bury that Novak broad...



and turn this crazy upside "Down"

"With Love" world right side up again.



I'm gonna write

the exposé of the century...



so the world will know once and for all

that deep down all women are the same.



They all want the same thing...

love and marriage...



even Miss Barbara

"Down With Love'"' Novak.



And I am going to prove it.




Novak won't even see you.



That's right.



That's why Novak

won't even see me coming.



Barbara, you're not dressed.

Aren't you coming?



No. I'm just gonna

stay in tonight.



Why? Because you don't

have a date?



My date's a quarterback with   

teammates. I'm sure he can fix you up.



I'm sure he couldn't.



I am persona non grata to all men.



I can't even get picked up

by a taxi driver.



This is crazy.

All of this fame and success...



and Miss Sex À La Carte is the only

woman who can't have sex à la carte.



At least not on this Earth.



Maybe we could find you an astronaut

who's been in orbit the past two weeks.



It's all right, Vikki.

I'm perfectly content on my own.



When it comes to not needing a man,

you wrote the book.



- Taxi!

- Wait. I have to pick up my dry cleaning.



Can't. Gotta get back

to the office.



Skip in Research is doing

a fact check on Novak...



who she knows, where she goes,

what she likes for dinner,

what she likes à la carte.



Wh... Two minutes.

I waited for you to eat your hot dog.



You're right, Mac. I'll pick up your

cleaning. You go back to the office.



Oh, but l... Oh! Ow!



Oh! Make sure

they starched the socks!



I'm getting it. You iron.



No, you iron,

and I'll spend all day up front...



kibitzing with the customers.



We're equal now.



Again with that book.



"Hello," "Novick"!!"



Hello, Mrs. Litzer.



Where's Mr. Litzer?



He's ironing.



"Irving, say hello to" "Novick"!!"



Hello, "Novick."



I'll get your things, dear.



Thank you.



Yours too, mister.



Pardon me, miss,

but you sure look familiar.



- Are you...

- Yes, I am.



Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.



Wait till I tell folks back home I took

my clothes to the same dry cleaners...



as Miss Kim "Novick."



No, my name is Novak.



Oh, that's right.

Miss Kim Novak.



No, no, um, I'm not Kim Novak.

I'm Barbara Novak.



Oh. Well, that don't ring a bell.



- You mean, you've never heard of me?

- Oh, I'm sorry.



No. No, don't be.

I find it very refreshing.



"You"... "Mr. Absentminded Professor."



You left a lot of things

in your pocket.



Why, thank you, ma'am.



Excuse me. I'm sorry.



Do you mean that you've

never heard of my book...



the worldwide sensation

Down With Love?



No, ma'am. I have not.



But lately I've been

out of this world.



Oh, look.

My NASA security badge.



I've been looking all over for that.



- You're an astronaut?

- Why, yes, I am.



Well, what's your name?

Maybe I've heard of you.



- Zip.

- Zip...




Major Zip Martin.



Well, tell me, Major...



are those parties in Cocoa Beach

as wild and uncivilized as they seem?



Oh, I couldn't say, ma'am.

I'm not much for going to parties.



My idea of a good time...



is to sit at home

with a good book...



and smoke my pipe.



Pay later.

Irving's burning the ironing.



Pardon me, miss.



- Oh! We're stuck together.

- We're...



Let me fix that.



There you go, Miss Novak.









One, two, three, four.






Yes, Miss Novak?



Well, I don't suppose

that you're staying in New York.



Why, yes, I am.



NASA sent me here to work

on a special project.



Top-secret project.






- Can you keep a secret?

- Yes.



Me too. Gee, it sure seems like

we got a lot in common.



Why, yes, it does.



It might be nice to see just what

we have in common...



and what we have that's different.



I'm sorry?



Would you like to go to my place

and get to know each other...



a little better?



- A little better?

- Lot better.



- A lot better than what?

- All the way better.



Oh, gee, no.



Now, I couldn't do that.



Why, I couldn't get to know you

all the way better...



until I knew you

much, "much" better.



Do you think that you

know me well enough...



to let me buy you a drink?






I'd sure love a Tang.



Lose another pair of glasses?



No, I'm keeping a low profile.



- Vikki's over there with some guy.

- That's not some guy.



That's Johnny Trementus,

the quarterback.



-      complete passes.

- Is he going for     ?



Well, Vikki's

left herself wide open...



but Trementus

surprisingly fumbles.



Now what's he doing...

in laymen's terms?



- He's leaving. Now's your chance.

- I can't go over there.



- She hates me.

- She doesn't hate you. She hates me.



Stop warming the bench

and get in the game.



"Once you run my Novak exposé, she" will

hate you, and the clock will have run out.



- Can't you get off your Novak warpath?

- "Nope."



I've got her surrounded, and it won't take

a surprise attack to enter her teepee.



"I'm telling you," Kemosabe, "you want"

"big" wampum, "make Vikki love you now."



Okay, enough with the football talk!

I'm going.



- There you are, Monsieur Block.

- Ah, thanks, Henri.



- There you are, Monsieur Block.

- Ah, thanks, Henri.



Only, from now on

it's... Major Zip Martin.



- Ah.

- Spread the word to

the other maître d's...



the doorman, theater ushers

and taxi drivers.



"Oui, oui." Done.



Uh... Major.



It'll be all right, MacMannus.

Just be normal.



Be cool.



Hello... Vikki.



Hello, Peter.



Are you in love

with that football player?



Not anymore.



"He only wanted one thing"...

to slip me his manuscript.



He didn't even have the professional

courtesy to try and seduce me first.



The men who resent my success

won't give me the time of day.



And the men who respect my success

won't give me the time of night.



I don't know about other men,

but I swear...



if I had the chance, I would respect "and"

resent you night and day, day and night.



- Peter, you would?

- You bet.



You're on.



- Oh, Zip, isn't this exciting"



We must be the only two people in

New York who haven't seen "Camelot" yet.



- You're not just being nice.



You really haven't seen it either?



Oh, I can honestly say

I have never "seen" this show.



- " Mr. Block?"



- Mr. McNulty to see you.

- Send him in.



McNulty, good. Look, this should

cover your up-front expenses.



Go up to Maine,

get me all the dirt on Novak.



No girl like that would swear off love

just to get ahead in the workforce.



Somewhere, some time,

some guy hurt her.



I need to find him so I can prove

I'm right and nail my exposé.



Gladly. That broad's book

is bad for business.



Husbands don't want

their wives tailed anymore.



They know if she's sneaking out now,

she's just looking for a job.



Hello. Mac.



Mac. Mac, calm down.



Ma... Okay, I'll be right over.



Quick, taste my sauce.

Too tart?



- This is your big emergency?

- Yes!



I invited Vikki to dinner.



It has to be perfect so she'll find me

irresistible and I can make my big move.



You could have made your big move

three weeks ago. I keep telling you.



That's these "Down With Love"

girls' claim to fame...



one date, no waiting.



These "Down With Love" girls

may be used to having sex

the way a man does, but I'm not.



Too sweet?



So I guess you and Novak

have been very "down with love."



I mean, you've had what...

   dates in    days?



Yeah, but I'm trying to get her

not to want to have sex with me.



These days you've really got to play

your cards right to get a girl to say no.



Or maybe you just like

spending time with her.



Maybe the necessity

of all this chastity and monogamy...



has made you realize that Barbara Novak

is your ideal potential lover.



Come back to Earth, buddy boy.

Your cake's burning.



So this is how a guy like you

does it, huh?



No, I don't do it, but if I did do it,

I'd do what I'm doing.



Which reminds me

of something I didn't do.



- I have to call Vikki

and give her my address.

- I've got a better idea.



Invite Vikki to my place,

make like it's yours. You know

where I keep the spare key.



You'd let me use the key

you leave out for your girlfriends?



Somebody might as well.



It's gathering dust

since Novak hit the best-seller list.



- But I invited Vikki

for a home-cooked meal.

- Trust me.



Ten minutes in my apartment,

and you'll both forget all about dinner.



Ten minutes?



Ten minutes.



- Hello.

- Hello, Barbara. It's Zip.



Hello, Zip.



I was wondering if I could ask you

to do me a very special favor.



Sure, Zip. Anything.



Well, I know we planned

to go out, but...



- well, I thought it might

be fun to stay in.



I'm in the mood

for a home-cooked meal.



Major Martin, I have no desire

to stay cooped up in the kitchen...



slaving over a hot stove

and a sink full of dirty dishes.



Oh, no, Barbara.

You misunderstood.



When I said

a home-cooked meal...



I meant at my place...

I wanted to serve you.



Oh, Zip.



No man has ever

done this for me before.



How thoughtful.



- Well.

- And considerate.



It's my pleasure.



Oh, no, no, no. It's mine.



- So, you'd like to come?

- Oh, yes.



Yes. Yes.



I can't wait.



Seventy-third and Park.

And Barbara?



- Yes, Zip?

- Thank you for being so flexible.



No, Zip. Thank you.



Oh, Zip!



Everything looks divine.



I have a funny feeling

that you've done...



quite a bit of entertaining

for two here.



Oh, I can honestly say

that until you...



I haven't done any entertaining

for two here at all.



You're certainly not

the average astronaut.



Oh, I get so tired

of all that freeze-dried food.



After a steady diet of pellet steak...



and potato tablets...



you yearn for something hot

to sink your teeth into.



Well, you've whetted my appetite.



It's not just your cooking.



You are so well-rounded.



Your collection of art

and antiques.



You've made a real home here.



Well, Earth still is

my favorite planet.



No, I meant here, in New York.






Most bachelors in this city are

only interested in an apartment...



that comes fully loaded

with every gadget and contraption...



man has invented

to snare a woman.



I don't understand this, Peter.

How does a person lose their built-in bar?



I swear, it was here a minute ago.



- Ohh!



Hey. Found it. Vikki?



Where are you?



- " I don't know."






Peter, your couch was all over me

like some animal.



- Who knew you were so dangerous?

- I'm sorry.



Uh, I know I seem

a little disoriented.



Guess I tasted too much sherry

while I was cooking.



You cooked for me?

No man has ever done that for me before.



I'm famished.



Actually, I didn't cook... here...



at my apartment... for us.



I cooked... at Catch's apartment

for... Catch.



- Oh.

- But you've only been here a minute.



Let's make it    and see

if we forget all about dinner.



- " Are those your parents?"

- No. Those are Catch's parents.



Why do you have a picture

of Catch's parents?



Let's listen to some music.






It's all right. It's all right.






- Ooh!






I can't do this for eight more minutes.

Let's go eat.



- " How's that Oh."



You tell me when it's good for you.



Put your hand on it and guide me

till I got it in the right spot.



Almost. Almost.



Oh, Zip.



I've done this a lot before, of course,

but never with such a powerful instrument.



That's it.



It's perfectly clear.



Oh, Zip, I've never seen anything

so beautiful...



in all my life.



- Neither have I.

- You're not even looking

through the telescope.



I know.



This chocolate soufflé

is delicious, Zip.



You've really outdone yourself.



- I wanted the perfect end

to the perfect evening.

- Mm.



I've never been more ready

to go to bed.



Oh, Zip, I'm so glad

that you feel that way.



- You know that I feel the same way?

- Well, then, let's get to bed.



- I'll call you a taxi.



- Taxi"



Oh, when I said bed,

you thought I meant "bed."



Oh, Barbara, I'm so sorry.



This is only the first time you've ever

been to my home, and where I come from...



It's all right, Zip.



It's all right.

Um, it's better this way.



Let's, um...

Let's just say good night...



and good-bye.



- Good-bye? You mean for good?

- I'm afraid so, Zip.



You see,

I'm beginning to feel...



Well, I'm beginning to "feel."



Well, couldn't you give me

just one more chance?



Oh, I'd like to, Zip,

really, I would...



but just the fact that I'd like to

give you another chance...



is the very reason

why I absolutely must not.



Okay. One more chance.



I'll just, um...






- Peter?

- You rang?



No. I used my key, Maynard.

How did everyone else get in here?



I took Vikki down to the Village

for a demitasse. Crazy!



And then the coffeehouse got raided,

so I moved the scene uptown.



- You dig, Daddy-O?

- Oh, I do dig.



And after being grounded for    days,

this astronaut is ready to blast off.



- Ask me why I mourn.

- Why do you mourn, baby?



I mourn because you are shrouded

in the suit and tie...



that Madison Avenue

will bury you in alive.



Well, if it'll cheer you up,

you can help me out of it.



- Hi!

- Hi! Coffee?



- Hi!

- Hi! Coffee?



So, this is a beatnik party.



- Isn't it a gas?

- Yes!



Oh, I'm so glad you called.

After the date I had tonight, I

really didn't want to be alone.



Well, you won't need an astronaut to

find a date here. Everyone's in orbit.



So, should I introduce myself to

the host, or is that too Establishment?



You know the host.

This is Peter's place.



- Catcher Block's

not going to be here, is he?

- Oh, not to worry.



Everyone here is a total stranger.



Go throw your coat on the bed,

and let's join the bash!



Oh, excuse me.



- Catch.

- Yes?






Barbara. Barbara, wait.



- Barbara!



- Barbara, wait! I can explain.

- "You don't have to explain."



You said you were ready for bed.

I'm glad you ran into someone

to take to bed with you.



- But it wasn't like that.

I don't even know her.

- Oh, really!



I mean, I didn't know

what I was doin'.



And yet her hat's off

to you anyway!






- Good night, miss.



Good night, Major Martin.



Barbara, you gotta believe me.

I did not know what was happening.



The minute I got here, that girl

filled my pipe with some tobacco

she bought in San Francisco.



After that,

everything went hoo-whee!



- You mean she drugged you?

- All the way into that bedroom.



Wait a minute. What were you doing

at a party like that?



I had no idea there was

gonna be a party here.



I got a call after you left to tell me

to come to this publisher's apartment...



to meet some journalist

who wanted to do a cover story

on my NASA top-secret project.



- Some guy named Snitch or Snatch.

- Catch? Catcher Block?



Maybe. Anyway, I rush over here,

and that guy does not even show up.



- Don't you see? You were set up.

- No!



Yes! Catcher Block

invited you here...



under false pretenses so he could

do one of his famous exposés...



on how NASA's

top-secret New York project...



is just one big,

drug-infested beatnik shindig.



- Oh, that's low!

- That's Catcher Block!



- "That's how he operates!"

- Oh, Barbara, I'm so sorry.



I just feel like such

"a" easily tricked hick...



and then you went

and made the trick seem so obvious.



Oh, Zip, I didn't mean

to make you feel bad.



I didn't mean

to make you feel mad.



Oh, this is terrible.



We're behaving just like

two people in love.



Which means this argument was

the final straw. This has to be the end.



Or just the beginning.

Holy cow.



This argument has made me realize

that I must really care about you.



I'm finally ready

to get to know you better.



How much better?



All the way better.



- Really?

- I'm sorry I have to say this, Barbara...



but... I love you.



Well, I don't have any rules...



against men falling in love.



So I can make love to you...



heartfelt, passionate,

worshipping, adoring love...



and you could still have

meaningless sex with me, right?






So are we still on

for tomorrow night?






Oh, yes.



That pink book is ruining my life!



Woman acts as if

she has a mind of her own.



She refuses my advances.



This goes straight to the sanctity

of a man's most fundamental right.



All our wives

are giving us trouble.



I'm not talking about my wife.

I'm talking about my mistress.



I want that Vikki Hiller fired!



But you can't fire her now, T.B.



How would it look?



She is the most celebrated editor

in the business.



You're my creative team.



Create a reason to get rid of her...



or I'll create a new creative team.



- Good morning, gentlemen.



Do you know why it's good?



Because this is the morning

I tell Theodore Banner that

my fellow senior editors...



are going to treat me like more

than just a titular senior editor...



or I quit.



I should've known

the top dog would be a rat.



He's a man. I hate men.



For as man-crazy as I've been

my whole life, I sure can't stand 'em.



- I think I'll just get married.

- You're upset. You'll find another job.



I don't want another job.



I'm sorry, but I don't wanna be

a "Down With Love" girl anymore.



I give up. I give in. I just wanna

be Mrs. Peter MacMannus.






At least then there'd be one man

I could tell what to do.



Anyway. There. I've said it.



- If you also want me to resign

as your friend, I understand.

- Oh, Vikki, no!



How could I possibly accept

your resignation now...



when I need a friend

more than ever?



You see, I have a confession

to make too.



I'm not a "Down With Love" girl either.

I'm a woman who's fallen in love.



And I'm gonna tell him.

And tonight's the night.



- Tonight?

- Yep.



Tonight's the night

Barbara Novak is going down.



I've got her exactly

where I want her.



She was saying yes, but any man

could tell she really meant no.



- Uh-oh.

- Here's the title

to next month's cover story...



"Catcher Block on Barbara Novak:

Penetrating the Myth."



We'll have to sell it

in a brown wrapper.



I'm taking her to my place,

which she still thinks is your place...



by saying the guy she thinks I am, who acts

like you, has a meeting there with you...



and the guy who she still

doesn't know I really am.



- What do I have to say?

- You don't say a word.



Gotcha. So this is it?

Tonight's the night?



I have to have my big night

with Vikki...



the same time you're having

your big night with Novak...



that will ruin Novak and Vikki

and everything Vikki's ever worked for.



You're putting me under

an enormous amount of pressure,

enough to make a man explode.




Here's to tonight.



- I hope you don't mind this detour.



I only mind if Peter MacMannus

is wasting your time.






"Dear Zip, something came up.



Accept my apologies

with the champagne inside."






Well, we might as well

crack the champagne.



- We'll only be    minutes.

- Ten minutes?



Ten minutes.



- Peter, are you all right?

You seem nervous.

- I don't seem guilty.



- What would I seem guilty about?

- I didn't say guilty. I said nervous.



- Are you accusing me

of keeping something from you?

- Peter, calm down.



It's all right. You're not keeping

anything from me. I already know.



- What?

- I know all about it.

I've known all along.



- You have?

- Yes. And so what?



So you're a homosexual hopelessly

in love with Catcher Block.



- That's no reason the two

of us can't be married.

- What? I'm not a homosexual!



Oh, Peter, come on!



The cooking for Catch

at his place? The pictures of

Catch's parents at your place?



Believe me. If there'd been any other

explanation, I would've found it.



At one point, I even convinced myself that

life was all one big, zany sex comedy...



and you had switched keys with the lead

to use his swinging pad to snare me.



I did!

I did switch keys with the lead!



Oh, please! If that's not what you

feel guilty about, then what is?



That Catcher Block is privately

tricking Barbara Novak so

he can publicly destroy her...



with one of his exposés.



What? And you've known about this

all along? Where are they?



His place... uh, my place.



Uh, his place.



Good-bye, Peter.

The wedding is off!



Vikki, wait! Let me explain!



Where's my geisha?

I need my shoes.



Now, let me see if I have this.



The first switch starts the hi-fi.



The second switch lowers the lights.

Do you wanna go for broke?



-  I'm game if you are.



You have an eyelash.



Make a wish.



- What?

- Funny... the way that you said "lash."



- It sounded like

you had a different accent.

- Ohh.



That is funny!



Anyway, this definitely is

a woman-snaring bachelor pad...



fully loaded

to get you in the mood.



Are you in the mood, Zip?



Yes, Barbara, I am.






Oh. Oh.



- Darling



- No.

- No?



After you've waited all this time,

and now you're saying no?



- Yes. There's something

I wanna tell you.

- Oh.



- Yes, Barbara Novak, tell me anything.



- I love you.

- Tell me how much, Barbara Novak.



Too much.




Too much.

Too much to have sex with you.




Because you are Barbara Novak.



- Mm.

- Author of "Down With Love."



And you do not believe

in having sex with feelings.



No. That's not why

I want you to stop.



I want you to stop because I love you too

much to have sex without marrying you.



I want what every woman wants:

Love and marriage.



I'm not a "Down With Love" girl.

I'm not the girl you think I am.



Oh, you are exactly

the girl I think you are.



-  Catcher Block!



You're getting sloppy!



Leaving a key on the outside

when you're busy on the inside?



Oh, why the long faces? We're all equal,

self-reliant citizens of the world here.



I know I am, and heaven knows

all men are.



And you're with Catch Block,

so I hope you are.



Anyway, I just popped by

for a little sex à la carte.



But since you're busy, I'll just ring up

my crew captain at the hotel.



- Cheerio!



All right. Now you know.



I'm Catcher Block,

not Zip Martin.



There is no Zip Martin.



But before you storm out of here,

admit it: I got you.



I got Barbara "Down With Love'"' Novak

to fall in love.



I'm not gonna storm

out of here, Catch.



And I'm not gonna admit that you got

Barbara Novak to fall in love...



because I'm not Barbara Novak.



- There is no Barbara Novak.

- Huh?



I didn't fall in love with Zip Martin.

I fell in love with Catcher Block.



And that was a year ago,

when for three and a half weeks,

I worked as your secretary.



I don't expect you to

remember me. I wasn't a blond

then. But you did ask me out.



And it broke my heart to say no,

but I loved you too much.



I couldn't bear to become

just another notch in your bedpost.



With your dating habits, I knew

that even if I was lucky enough...



to get a regular spot

on your rotating schedule...



I would never have your

undivided attention long enough

for you to fall in love with me.



I knew I had to do something

to set myself apart.



I knew I had to quit my job

as your secretary...



and write an international best-seller

controversial enough...



to get the attention of a New York

publisher as well as "KNOW" magazine...



but insignificant enough

that as long as I went unseen,

"KNOW" magazine's star journalist...



would refuse

to do a cover story about it.



I knew that every time we were supposed

to meet, you would get distracted...



by one of your many girlfriends

and stand me up...



and this would give me a reason

to fight with you over the phone...



and declare that I wouldn't meet

with you for a hundred years.



And then all I would have to do

was be patient and wait...



the two or three weeks it would take

for everyone in the world...



to buy a copy of my best-seller...



and then I would begin to get

the publicity I would need for you...



to, one, see what I look like, and, two, see

me denounce you in public...



as the worst kind of man.



I knew this would make you wanna

get even by writing one of your exposés.



And in order to do that,

you would have to go undercover...



assume a false identity

and pretend to be the kind of man...



who would make the kind of girl

I was pretending to be fall in love.



Since I was pretending to be a girl

who would have sex on the first date...



you would have to pretend to be a man

who wouldn't have sex for several dates.



And in doing so,

we would go out on lots of dates...



to all the best places

and all the hit shows...



until finally, one night, you would

take me back to your place...



that you were pretending

was someone else's...



in order to get the evidence you needed

to write your exposé...



by seducing me

until I said, "I love you."



But saying "I love you"

was also my plan.



I just wanted to tell you

the truth so that when you

heard me say, "I love you"...



you would know that I knew who you were,

and you would know who I was.



Then you, the great Catcher Block...



would know that you'd

been beaten at your own game...



by me, Nancy Brown,

your former secretary.



And I would have,

once and for all, set myself apart...



from all the other girls

you've known, all those other girls...



that you never really cared about,

by making myself someone...



like the one person

you really love and admire...



above all others: You.



Then, when you realized that you

had finally met your match...



I would have at last

gained the respect...



that would make you wanna

marry me first and seduce me later.



I just wanted you to hear

all this from me before you

heard it from your private eye.



- Yeah?

- Block, McNulty.



Got everything there is on Novak,

and it's nothing.



Novak doesn't exist except

for a P.O. Box in Maine...



in care of one Nancy Brown

of    Gramercy Park...



where she was born and raised.



And while our Nancy may have

broken a few hearts growing up...



I can't find the guy we're lookin' for

who broke hers.



Never mind. I found him.



So, now you know everything.



Now tell me

the one thing I don't know.



Tell me if this plan

of mine has worked.



Tell me if it's made you

fall in love with me, as I love you.



- Come on. We're going out.

- Out? Now? Why?



Because no wife of mine belongs

in an apartment like this.






- You will marry me, won't you, Barbara?

- Nancy.



- Nancy.

- Oh, Catch.



It's all I've ever wanted.



- Are you sure it's what you want?

- Of course I'm sure.



I've met my match. There's only

been one thing between us...



and that's gone now that you're done

pretending to be Barbara Novak.



You are Barbara Novak!

Oh, I didn't realize!



You are my heroine!



Oh, of course you are. You're the heroine

of all women around the world.



But you saved my life. Oh, I'm still

flying friendly in the skies...



but now I decide how friendly

and when and with whom.



Oh, and I'm also training for my pilot's

license! And I have you to thank for it.



Thank you, Barbara Novak.

Thank you for all womankind.



- " Wow. You are something else."



You didn’t just fool me,

you fooled the whole world.



But now we can

set the whole world straight.



Our marriage will end

the battle of the sexes.



Boy, this cover story's

not just the Pulitzer.

This could be the Nobel Peace Prize.



Catch, you're not still going to

write your exposé, are you?



- Why not?

- Well, you know why not.



All the women in the world,

they look to me.



The exposé can't hurt you now.



You're gonna have everything

you've ever wished for.



You'll be Mrs. Catcher Block, living

in our dream house in the suburbs...



with a yard full of noisy kids...



you putting them to bed, then you and me

having a quiet dinner.



Catch, stop. I can't do this.



Barbara, stop! Don't do this!

He's not who he says he is!



Neither am I.

Good-bye, Catch.






- Barbara?

- "Vikki!"



- Nancy!

- Who are you calling Nancy?



- Hey, wait, wait. Please let me explain.

- There is no explanation.



Deceiving the girl you're going to marry

about your homosexuality is one thing.



Deceiving me in business

is another.



I thought you were different,

but you're not.



You're a rat, Peter MacMannus.

You're just like every other man.



I'm just like every other man.



Peter MacMannus.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.



What do you say we step inside?



- Well...

- Just for    minutes.



- Ten minutes?

- Ten minutes.



Nancy, wait!

What do you mean, you can't do this?



- I mean I can't marry you.

- What?



I can't be Mrs. Catcher Block.



I can't be your wife with the kids

and the house in the suburbs.



There was one part of my plan

that I didn't count on:



That by pretending

to be Barbara Novak...



I would actually

"become" Barbara Novak.



I may be the last woman in the world

to do it, but I have finally...



become a "Down With Love" girl,

level three.



I don't want love,

and I don't want you.



- What did Vikki say? Any luck?

- Nope.



Barbara still doesn't

want to see you.



She's thrown away

everything you sent her...



the flowers, the candy, the $    

state-of-the-art Celestron telescope...



that wasn't really for you to send,

because it was mine, not yours.



- She hates me.

- "At least Novak dropped you flat."



You know where you stand.



Sometimes I think Vikki only started

talking marriage to me that night...



in order to get me

to have sex with her.



Once I did, I hardly ever see her,

except when she comes back for more.



And I always give in.

Makes me feel so used.



It's just not right!

I shouldn't feel used!



She should, but she's

taking her cues from Novak.



That's why you have to get to Novak.

You have to solve this, Catch.



You have to squash her, crush her...



if not for the sake of civilization,

then just for me.



- I don't wanna crush her. I love her.

- "All right. Fine."



So run with that then.



What happened to your idea about making

your exposé into a public love letter?



That's no good. She's down with love...

for real this time.



You have to think of something.

Come on. Get dressed.



We're going out. You have to

start circulating again.



- Ooh, where's your little black book?

- I threw it away.



- "I don't care about sex anymore."



- I just wanna be married.

- "Well, me too, but fat chance."



These "Down With Love" girls!

It's revenge against men!



And it's all your fault, lover boy!

That's why they all act like you!



Stop the presses.



I've got a cover story that'll

make "KNOW" magazine sell...



like no magazine

has never sold before.



"Catcher Block Exposed:



How Falling in Love with Barbara Novak

Made Me a New Man."



It's my public love letter. It's not

from me, or at least not the old me.



It's from the new me, the new man that

Barbara Novak could fall in love with.



- Come on, Mac!

Let's get this baby to print!

- We're not going to print.



Haven't you noticed?

We have no secretaries.



Every girl in New York City

has quit her job.



They all wanna

go work for your Barbara Novak.



- For Barbara? Where?

- Oh-ho-ho.



Novak topped you again.



It's here!

"Down With Love" chocolate.



- A mouthful of satisfaction

in every bite.



Vikki, you are a genius!



Look, your book

got chocolate sales to soar.



Why shouldn't we get a piece

of the action?



It sure killed my craving for sex.



The only man who could have his way

with me now is Milton Hershey.



Boy, am I glad it finally occurred to you

that you were a multimillionaire...



many times over and we could

start our own business.



And to think I came that close to

getting married and giving all this up.



I was really starting

to believe that women weren't

cut out for the workplace...



when the only problem was

the workplace wasn't cut out for women.



Banner House bastards.



The word is out that Novak/Hiller

International is cut to order.



Girls are lined up around the block to

apply for the job as my private secretary.



And that's not all. Catcher Block

is here. He wants to see you.



Well, call the guard,

because I don't wanna see him.



- You have to see him. He's an applicant.

- Ooh.



- For heaven's sake.

- At the risk of sounding like my mother...



just stay perfectly still

and let him get it over with.



- Mrs. Litzer.



Send in the first applicant,




Okay, "Novick."

Over and out.



Another ruse, Catcher? You know

I have no interest in seeing you.



But you know you have to.

And you know I know you have to.



I'm sure you know how things are

at "KNOW" ever since your new "Now."



I have no way of knowing

how things are now at "KNOW."



I knew how things were

at "KNOW" before now.



Then you should know now at "KNOW"

things are a lot like they are at "Now."



We have to interview every applicant

for every job, and so do you...



or you'd be going against

"Now's" definition of discrimination...



and you wouldn't want the readers

of "Now" or "KNOW" to know that,

now, would you?



Have a seat, Mr. Block.



- Your application?



Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Oh, dear.



Unfortunately, the secretary job doesn't

quite pay as much as your current job...



so I guess that's that.



Good-bye, Mr. Block.

Oh, have a candy bar for your trouble.



And thanks again

for thinking of us.



But I'm always thinking of you,

Miss Novak.



I can't stop thinking of you.



And I'd like you

to reconsider considering me.



- Even at a pay cut of   . %?

- It's only money.




I've been on top for so long...



I thought it might be nice

to try a new position.



And you think you could be comfortable

in a position under a woman?



I look forward to it.



Starting at the bottom...



working my way up slowly

to the top.



Still, I'm afraid

that a man of your experience...



would be too distracted working

in a predominantly female workplace.



Not at all. You see, I'm not really

interested in women à la carte anymore.



The next time I get involved with

a woman, it'll be to settle down.



Well, I wouldn't want you stealing one

of the women from my workforce...



just to put her away

in a house in the suburbs.



Oh, I wouldn't want that either.

I'm what you might call a new man.



Oh, is that so?



And I'm looking

for a new kind of love.



"Catcher Block Exposed"?



"How Falling in Love with Barbara Novak"

"Made Me a New Man. '"'



Oh, sure.



And to put yourself on top...



you just happened to have had

to expose me as Nancy Brown...



in your attempt

to win a Nobel prize.



I never said a word

about Nancy Brown.



And the only prize

I wanted to win was you.



Crazy, isn't it? After all our tricking

each other, all our game playing...



I'm the one who wound up here

with the love letter...



and you're the one

with the scoop.



Still, I'll keep my eye

on the billboards...



and maybe one day

you'll do a piece...



on how you became someone in between

the bashful, brunette Nancy Brown...



and the cool, blond

Barbara Novak.



That's a piece

I could really go for.



One, two, three...



four, five.



- Hmm.



Someone between a blond

and a brunette?



- Scooped you again.



I knew you would.



I knew the minute I placed an ad

as an equal-opportunity employer...



you would be the first to apply.



And I knew you knew and you'd

let me in to ask you to marry me.



But you didn't know I'd say yes.



- Vegas?

- We can get married there on the spot.



- I'm not letting you

get away again... ever.

- Oh, Catch.



- I love you, Barbara.

- I know.



I'm sorry. You'll have to hold.



- Peter?

- Vikki?



Do you wanna marry me or not?

I'm not giving up my career.



I wouldn't ask you to.

Then it's a deal?



- Deal! 

- Deal!



Well, ladies and gentlemen,

it's official.



The battle of the sexes is over.

What's that?



Don't believe me?

Well, here's the proof.



Please give a warm welcome

to the coauthors

of the new book, "Here's to Love..."



Mrs. Barbara Novak-Block

and Mr. Catcher Block.



  Barbara, I'd like

to propose a toast  



 To the topic I dig the most  



  Catch, let me dust off

my lovin' cup  



  Hey, bartender, fill 'er up  



  Look how the neon

starts to flicker  



  Love's like a shot

but works much quicker  



 And you're a man

who can hold his liquor  



  Cheers, here's to love  



  I'm an old-fashioned

and you're the cherry  



  I've got a thirst that's legendary  



 That's why I fired your secretary  



  Cheers, here's to love  



-   Life's a martini  

-  And you're the shaker  



-  And, baby, I sure packed a punch  

- Hey!



 You make Dean Martin

look like a Quaker  



-   But now it's only you for dinner  

- Breakfast.



- And lunch.

-   I hear the march

that's calling for us  



 We'll walk down the aisle

to an angels' chorus  



  I'll be your Rock

if you'll be my Doris  



  Sweet heavens above  



 Why is the waiter smiling at us  



  He knows what we're thinking of  



-   Oh, can the tears  

-    Cheers  



  Baby, here's to love  



 You've got the lips

to wet my whistle  



  If that doesn't get ya

maybe this'll  



  Cupid just launched

a guided missile  



  Cheers, here's to love  



 Your eyes are so intoxicating  



  Bottoms up, babe

let's get to mating  



  I bet it bears re-it-erating  



  Cheers, here's to love  



 Though it ain't New Year's

pop the champagne  



 And let's take a spin

on the floor  



-  Your moves are good  

-   I'm feelin' no pain  



  So let's pay the check

and slip out the back door  



 We took Manhattan

without the bitters  



 We're stayin' put

Last call's for quitters  



  Soon it will be

just baby-sitters  



  'Cause this hawk's now a dove  



  Baby, the cab is blowin' its horn  



  But I can't find my hat

and my gloves  



-   Oh, can the tears  

-    Cheers  



  Baby, here's to love  



- Here's mud in your eye.

- Here's lookin' at you, kid.



- Here. This'll put hairs on your chest.



- Not that I would want that.

- Mm-hmm.



  Here's to love   


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