Dude Where's My Car Script - Dialogue Transcript

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The following story is based on actual events... 


What's Up?

Animal Planet

Man, I just had the craziest dream.

About what?

I don't remember.

Morning guys.

Morning Gene.

What did we do last night?

I don't know.

Wait, didn't the twins have a party?

Yeah! That's it. Twins had a party!


Were we there?

I'm assuming we were. What kind of boyfriends would we be if we weren't.

Any messages?


See you tomorrow Gene.


How do you know Gene?

Oh, I thought he was your friend.

No, no, I don't know him.

I'm starving.

It's... pudding.

I always wondered what a fridge full of pudding would look like.

Is it possible that we got so wasted last night,

that we bought a lifetime supply of pudding and then totally forgot about it?

I'd say it's entirely possible.

Jesse and Chester are shibby at the moment. Please leave your shibby at the beep. Shibby.

- What happened to you guys last night?

- You showed with the bunch of people, pizzas and a cake...

...and now our house is trashed.

- You guys are sucky boyfriends. You're always disappointing us.

- And now you're probably just sitting there on the couch in your underwear...

...playing stupid thumbwars...

...wearing your ridiculous army helmets...

...and if you are you've probably forgotten our anniversary...

...which is TODAY!

That means you don't get the special treats we had in store for you.

We just wanted to call and thank you guys for trashing our house.


Twins are pissed dude.

Good thing we already bought them gifts.

So..., where are the gifts?

- They must be in your car. - Right! They're in the car. OK.

So we'll just go and take the gifts over to twins house and get our special treats.

Hey! What do you think they mean by special treats?

We've been going out with the twins for year now.

And we still haven't had sex.

Special treats is code for sex.

Of course!

Special treats!


Open up you two shackals!

It's Mr. Pizzacoli

You guys left work last night with 30 pizzas that didn't get delivered and I want some answers!

Open up this damn door!

It's open!


Hey. Mr. Pizzacoli! Hey, how are you doing?

Thirty pizzas didn't get delivered last night.

If I ever found out you were taking my pizzas home for your own eating pleasure...

...I will crush you like a doodlebug!

Look! It's an elephant.


Just a mailman.

You two are the most irresponsible, not to mention...

...disappointing employees ever to work...

...at Mr. Pizzacoli Pronto Pizza Deliveries.

Well, a trained dolphin could do a better job than you.

Well, sure but then the pizzas would get all wet.

Look! A unicorn!

A unicorn?

Sorry, I guess it was just a regular horse. Weird.

I know you've been embezzling my pizza. And I will get you eventually.

And when I do I swear to God...

you will never deliver pizzas in this town again.

Close one.


So, we'll go to the twins house, we'll give them their anniversary gifts...

...and then we'll apologise for trashing their house and then....

...we get our special treats.

Dude, where's my car?

Where's your car dude?

Dude, where's my car?

Where's your car dude?

Dude, where's my car?

Where's your car dude?

Did I drive here last night?

Yeah, I think so.

Did we?

I'm not sure.

Dude, where's your car?

Dude, it's not funny, dude, the car is gone.


Dude, where's my car?

Shut up dude!

OK. Look. You're right. I know we need to do.

We need to get back into state of mind that we were last night.

That way we can retrace our steps.


Sense memory simulated perception altered consciences memory retrieval.

Discovery Channel.




- I'm sick of walking dude. - Me too.

Hey! It's Mrs. Crabbleman. She'll give us a ride.

Hey! Mrs. Crabbleman! Hey!


Mrs. Crabbleman.

Fucking stoners.

She must have not recognised you.

Hey! It's the Biglemans. Hey.

Mr. Bigleman!

Hey! Mr. Bigleman!

Maybe we should just walk.


Listen, Nelson the car is gone and we need to do this little sense memory thing...

...so we can get back into state of mind that we were in last night

Deep in your consciousness you must look.

Concentrate on the knowledge inside you must

Aha. Your eyes you must close

when you take it to the muuu



Concentrating you're not dudes.


Is your dog dead?

Not dead. Come here Jackal. Come here boy.

I don't think he's coming.

Maybe he's death dude.

Death he is not dude.

Come here Jackal. Come here Jackal.

Does he know any other tricks besides not moving?

Guys. Alright. You wanna see trick?

Hey Jackal!

Bite that killer. Here comes the fun.

Good boy Jackal.

Dude, your dog is a stoner.

Can he also bone a beer?

Nah, pretty much all he does is lie around and smoke his pipe.

Hey Jackal, can I see your pipe?

No! Don't!

Overprotective. It's his pipe.

When other people touch it he does not like.

Sorry Jackal.

Yes. He's sorry

Holy crap.

That's one psycho dog dude.

Yeah, hey you know what we should do now?


No. Eat.

Choice excellent my friend. I'll get the keys.

Nelson, let me order

Chinese Foooood. May I help you?

Yeah. I'd like to place an order.

What would you like?

Yeah, I'd like three orders of garlic chicken.

And then?

And then three orders of white rice.

And then?

And then..., you guys want soup?


Yeah, Three orders of wantan soup.

And then?

Oh, ah, some fortune cookies too.

And then?

That's it. I think that's about it.

And then?

No. That's it.

And then?

No 'and then'. I..., I..., that's all I want.

And then?

And then, and then, and then I'm, then nothing else coz I'm done ordering. OK?

And then?

No. No. See, all I want is the three orders of the garlic chicken and the three orders of the white rice

And then?

And the soup dude.

Oh, and the wantan soup.

And then?

And the cookies fortune.

And the fortune cookies, yes. So it's just the, it's the, the chicken...

the rice, the soup and the fortune cookies and that's it.

And then?

And then you can put it in a brown paper bag and come put in my hand coz I'm ready to eat.

And then?

I refuse to play your chinese food mind games.

And then?

No, No 'and then'!

And then?

No 'and then'!

And then?

No 'and then'!

And then?

No 'and then'!

And then?

No 'and then'!

And then?

No, no 'and then'!

And then?

You're really starting to piss me off lady!

And then?

And then, I'm gonna come in there...

...and I'm gonna put my foot in your ass if you say 'and then' again!

And then? And then? And then? And then? And then?

And then?

Come on Nelson! Just help us find my car!

You know you didn't have to go a eggrow in that speaker box.

Well I'm not the one that called the Dalai Lama a fag.

I was just kidding' around.

Yeah, well Nelson didn't appreciate it. OK?

Look! It's Chrisite Bonner.


The hottest of the hot.

El fuego of all that is el fuego.

Did she just wave at us?

No way!

She would never wave at us.

Then why did she just wave at us.

I don't know. Maybe she thinks we're other people.

People she waves to.

Hi Chester.


Hi Jesse.

I had a really good time with you last night.

Ah, me too.

That was some crazy party, huh?

Hey, ah, have you seen my car?

Well, I saw it last night.

I mean I saw the back seat.

Oh! I'm talking about the whole thing.

Why don't you just go out and buy another one with all the money you were throwing around?


Yeah. Don't you remember you had that really nice suitcase full of money?

A suitcase full of money

Don't you remember giving me 500$ to show you my hoohoos?

- 500$? - Hoohoos?

You mean you don't remember anything?

How about now?


How about now?

You know, I'm a little bit fuzzy too. Maybe if I could get a little refresh of course.


Are these loosers bothering you Christie?

No Tommy.

Guys like you could never score with the chick like this.

I suggest you stick to your own kind.

You're such a jerk.

Next time I catch you guys bothering my girlfriend

stoner bashing time.

Oh yeah?



Consider this your warning.

Later dudes.

Dude, you just touched Christie Bonner's hoohoo.


Low 5.

Let's get out of here.

That Christie Bonner is super hot.

Where did we get a suitcase full of money?

Man, and why don't we have it now?

Maybe we deposited it in a Swiss bank account.

No. If we had a ridiculous sum of money where would we go?



No way we were here last night.

We'd never fit into the place like this.

Look everyone! It's Mr. Jesse and Mr. Chester!

Good afternoon Jesse, Chester. How are we feeling today?

A little fuzzy.

Hi Chester.

Hi Jesse.

Did you guys enjoy yourselves last night?

Have we met?

It's me, Tania.

Remember last night when I gave you that super special slippery lap dance?

Of course. How can I forget?

You wanna do it again?

This time it's on me.

If you say so.

Didn't I get some sort of special lap dance?

Did you ever?



So. Just how super special can a slippery lap dance be?

What the hell were you thinking throwing around my money like that? That wasn't part of the plan!

You're a...

I'm a gender challenged male!

What does that mean?

Oh dude, you're a dude! That's...

Oh! No!

Last night I had the two of you sneak a suitcase of stolen money out of the club.

You stole the money?

200 000 $.

200 000 $?

I gave you the suitcase and left. You guys were supposed to meet me but you never showed up.

Where's that suitcase?

I don't know.

You don't know?

Where's that suitcase?

It's in my car.

Then get it! Fast.

Or else you'll be singing soprano.

Dude, dude!

We've got to go.

What? Are you crazy? I'm strawing by breakdancing strippers.

Seriously, this is an emergency.

So is this dude.

It's a breakdancing stripper emergency.


Bye Chester!

I love you!

OK. Apparently we were supposed to meet him with the suitcase and we just didn't show up.

Huh. Sounds like us.


How wasted were we last night.

Well, I touched Christie Bonner's hoohoo...

...we're on the hook for a 200 000 $ on loan from transsexual stripper and my car is gone.

I'd say we were pretty wasted.

Dude, we really need to find your car.

OK. Let's see, the last place we remember being last night was...

the twins.

But we can't show up without the anniversary gifts.

I got it.

We'll just get them a little something for now.

And then, when we find the car we'll give them the real gifts.

Dollar, thirty nine.

I don't know.

Trust me.

It's gonna be totally cool.


Let's go.

We are so dead.

Roger that.

We've been cleaning all morning. What do you guys have to say for yourselves?

Happy anniversary.


The Twins

We ate all the dark ones coz we now you guys don't like those.

Dark ones are the only ones we do like.

Oh yeah.

But, but, you could use the box...

...to keep...to keep...


You guys forgot our anniversary. Didn't you?

Of course not!

No! We got you guys great gifts.

We just had some car troubles.

Yeah. But we came over here as soon as we could to help you guys clean up...

...but, oh no.

It looks like you're already done.

All we have to do is take out the trash.

Say, they haven't been outside yet...

Oh! You know what? We'll take out the trash.

You guys go and take a nice hot bath.

Yeah. You deserve it after all this hard work.

Go ahead and pay up to yourselves.

Just don't make a mess.

Slow and steady good body.


You're tilting.

Why are you tilting?

You gave me the heavy end.

368 00:22:30,521 --> 00:22:31,939 No. We can get it.

No. Let it go.

We're not leaving it behind.


I'll take my shoe off

Stop pushing.

Watch it!


You're cool?

We're still cool.

Now take your shoe off and you get it.


Get it.

That's it.

I got it!

Oh my god!

You guys can't do anything right.

Why do you have to mess everything up?

I got three words: anger management.


Dude, we really need to find your car.

Hey guys.

Sorry about yanking you off the street like that but we really need to talk to you.

Who are you guys?

My name is Zarnoff. This is Zabu....

...Zellner, Zelbor, Zelmina and Jeff.


To answer your question more specifically:

We are the recipients of instructions from extraterrestrials regarding the

interstellar path to outer space.

Go ahead and laugh.

We are used to be in mot.


We've been sent by a wise and powerful leader


to find you and recover the continuum transfunctioner.

Hey. Have you guys ever been to Uranus?

Yeah. It's supposed to be really nice at this time of the year.

Hey. This is important.

We intercepted an interstellar message that leads us to believe...

...that last night you were in possession of the continuum transfunctioner.

Where is it now?

The who what?

The continuum transfunctioner is a very mysterious and powerful device...


...and it's mystery is exceeded only by it's power.

I'm sorry but we don't remember a thing about last night.

You must be careful.

Danger follows the continuum transfunctioner.

So says Zoltan.


I'll tell you what. You know...

...we'll keep our eyes up for the continual transthing and if we see it

we'll give you a call.

Yes, you must.

But remember. You are in great danger.

Trust no one.

Except for us.

Oh yes. Thank you Jeff. Good point.

Trust no one except for us.


Wait a second. Let's recap.

Last night we lost my car. We accepted stolen money from transsexual stripper.

And now some space nerds wants us to find something we can't pronounce.

I hate to say it Chester but maybe we should cut back on the shibbying.

Thanks dude.

Oh good! You're right on time.

You pick up special suits.

Mr. Lee. Tailor. Make special suits for you.

Come on.

Dude, you've got a tattoo!

So are you dude.


Dude, what does mine tattoo say?


What about mine?

Dude. What does mine say?

Sweet. What about mine?

Dude. What does mine say?

Sweet. What about mine?

Dude. What does mine say?

Sweet. What about mine?

Dude. What does mine say?

Sweet. What about mine?

Dude. What does mine say?

Sweet. What about mine?

Dude. What does mine say?



458 00:26:54,891 --> 00:26:58,019 Your tattoo says Dude, your tattoo says sweet.

Got it?



Very sharp, very sharp. You two number one extra special very good looking guys.

So we bought these last night?

Oh yeah. You were pretty


last night.

How much are these?

Oh, you already paid for. I just do some minor alteration. You know.

Add the secret pockets you ordered.

Hey, maybe we've got the continual transfaker

Oh dude!




Excuse me, but how did we pay for these suits?

Oh, you pay cash, cold, hot, cash, crispy new hundred dollar bills.

Hey, you didn't by chance see what car we were driving, did you?

Me? No. I don't see no car.


Dude, we bought cell phones.

That's not all we bought dude.


Man, I can not believe we leased a car last night.

But who's Johnny Potsmoker?

That's my alter ego.

Oh big, no, I thought that was my alter ego.

No. That's my alter ego.

Your alter ego is Smoky The Pot.

Dude, you're never gonna figure that thing out.

OK dude. There it is. Break time's over.

Time to find my car.

This is impossible.

Are you Jesse and Chester?


Are you Jesse and Chester?

I don't know. Why?

If you are Jesse and Chester perhaps we will give you erotic pleasure.

That's us!

Right here.

We are looking for the continuum transfunctioner.

Who are you guys?

We're not guys.

We're hot chicks.

She's totally right.

The continuum transfunctioner is a very mysterious and powerful device


...and it's mystery is only exceeded by it's power.

That doesn't really help.

We will give you pleasure now if you give us the continuum transfunctioner.

Let me get your proposition straight.

First, you give us the pleasure, then we give you the continuum transfunctioner?

No. First, you give us the continuum transfunctioner, then we give you the pleasure.

I heard that one before.

Hey look. How about this.

You give... me the pleasure then we'll give you the continuum transfunctioner

then if there's time you can take care of my friend.




Will you wait a second? Please.

Come here.

Dude, those space nerds told us not to trust anybody.

Yeah. But for the love of God.

They're offering us oral pleasure.


Hey. Where did hot chicks go?

Where's my money boys?

We were just going to get it.

You guys picked the wrong transsexual stripper to screw with.

You're pitching me.

Let's see what the cops have to say about this.


I saw this on COPS. Hit the board and hit back.

Bye, bye boys.

Hey, can you go on the siren?

So, you're sticking to the 'I don't remember' crap?

Yeah. We don't remember.

Last night your car was spotted leaving the scene of a major drug deal.

Wait. You found my car?

Believe me you guys got more important things to worry about right now.

Where were you between the hours of midnight and 2AM last night?

I told you. OK? We don't remember anything.

See we're gonna have to do this the hard way.

Where were you last night between the hours of midnight and 2AM?

We, we don't know.

Now do you remember?

- No. - No.

How about now?


Hey, leave him alone. He doesn't know anything.

Now are you ready to talk?

Dude, we don't remember.

OK. Here're the whips you guys wanted.

Hey. It's the donut guys.

Yeah, these two were at the frenchy donut house last night when me and Louie came in.

We started talking and they ended up buying donuts for the whole precinct.

Uuuh, what time did all this happen?

Let's see. Must have been between midnight and 2AM.


You can't be the guys we're looking for.


Hang in there bro.

Come on Kojak.

Listen. I'm really sorry about all this.

Looks like it was a case of a mistaken identity.

Actually those are the real criminals over there.

One of our officers made a wrong identification.

Yeah. I'm... That was me. I'm sorry about that one fellows.

Rick here will tell you exactly where your car is.

- We found the car. - We found the car.

We found the car!!!

Now we get the anniversary gifts, go to the twins house and get our special treats.


All right Rick. Give us the keys and we're out of here.

You got it.

Oh boy. Oh, boy.

What's the problem Rick?

Nothing. I just..., oh boy, ok, geeze...

Did you guys say you wanted your car back or you wanted it impounded?

We want the car back.

That's kind of funny, coz what happened was I accidentally sent your car to the impound.


I know. I can definitely tell you this. You guys can get the car back in a couple of days.

We don't have couple of days. We need the car back now.

Say, how about a treat, with bavarian cream.

That's a good one there. That's a good pick.

It's great. I have a lot of them.

You know what Rick? Forget about it.


Sike. Cheeze?

Hey, you got me. Hey fellows who's the goose? Me.


Have you seen Jesse and Chester?


We're looking for Jesse and Chester.

I don't know where those two slackers are but I bet you those punks over there do.

So they don't remember? I said later dudes.

What are you doing hanging out with those jerks anyway?

They were just being nice to me unlike someone I know.

You know maybe it's time I find someone who has more sensitive side Dan.

Someone who respects me as a person. Maybe somebody like Jesse and Chester.

Ok guys, listen up.

We're gonna find Jesse and Chester and when we do - stoner bashing time.

Do you know Jesse and Chester?

Who are you?

We're hot chicks.

Yes you are.

We believe Jesse and Chester have the continuum transfunctioner, however...

...if you recover the the continuum transfunctioner from them and bring it to us...

...we will give you erotic pleasure.

You've got yourselves a deal.

OK guys, ok guys, new plan:

First, we find those stoners, get the continuum transfunctioner then...

...it's jurk bashing time.


Oh yeah. And I just remembered where you might be able to find Jesse and Chester

We sent those chicks to meet the twins St. Margarets' School For Blind Boys. Outdoor Activities Day.

That'll put those dudes in some hot water.

Try it again.

OK. Just knock it out of the bark Bobby. OK?

Alright. Give it a shot.

OK. You almost got it that time. Now just...

...concentrate on the beep and swing as hard as you can...

...and keep your ear on the ball. OK?

Alright little buddy, you can do it.

I did it!!!

Do you know Jesse and Chester?

Pardon me?

We're looking for Jesse and Chester. Have you seen them?

Who are you?

We're extremely hot chicks with large breasts.


Do you mind if I touch your face? It's the only way I can really see who I'm talking to.


Wow! You are hot!

Is this... normal?

Oh yeah. This is how blind people shake hands.

What the...? Sis!

Excuse me... little help...

Anthony, Anthony what is going on?

Nothing. I was just reading.

Bye ladies. I need to be alone now.

We are looking for Jesse and Chester

Who are you guys?

We are not guys. We are hot chicks.

We were supposed to meet Jesse and Chester later but we can not wait.

Well, we don't know where they are.

And frankly we don't care.

Dude, let's call Nelson.

- Yeah. - See if he's home.


Hey Nelson. It's Chester.

Hey Chester! No, it's me Tommy.

Your body Nelson's busy at the moment.

Is bad karma boys.

Hey, why don't you go ahead and tell me where that continuum transfunctioner is.

Aaaa, no hablo english.

Already your friend's dead unless I get that continuum transfunctioner.

Jackal! Get your pipe.

My balls!

What was that?

Tommy's got Nelson. He knows about the continuum transfunctioner.

Those double-crossing sexysexysluts.

I'm so sick of hearing about this continuum transfunctioner thing.

I tell you what. If one more person asks..

Have you found the continuum transfunctioner?

Who are you guys?

We are the keepers of the continuum transfunctioner .

It is all that stands between the universe and completely violent destruction.

It is a very mysterious and powerful device..

...and it's mystery is only exceeded by it's power.

Yeah, we know. And we don't have it.

But the universe?

Screw the universe.

Screw the universe?

Chimpanzees often use sticks as crude tools...

That's one smart primate.

Hey! What are you guys doing here?

We just wanted to come by and see how that car trouble thing was going.

Oh! The car. It's in the shop.

Really. Is that that shop where those beautiful women in black jump suits?

The ones you were hanging out with earlier today?

Well, you see. Jesse thought...

Today's our anniversary, and not only do you not have gifts but you guys ditch us for some

- Big breasted bimbos - Big breasted bimbos

while we were cleaning our house...

About that

...which you completely trashed

- twice - twice

You guys are sucky boyfriends.

We just wanted to come over and tell you guys in person that it's over.

- Wilma. - Thank you Wanda.

They're totally right. We are sucky boyfriends.

Do you even remember what kind of gifts we got them?

- No - I bet we got them sucky gifts.

We suck.

Wait a second. I just got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Maybe you should go sit on the toilet?

No. No. You know what the feeling is?

It's love!

Is that what that is?

Yeah, I'm in love with Wanda and you're in love with Wilma.


You see. Now that we know that we've been sucky boyfriends...

...we can change.

We can?

Yeah! And you know what else?

I'll bet you that we did buy them super cool anniversary gifts.

You know why?

Coz we love them.

And we wrapped them really cool wrapping paper?


I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

We're gonna go down the impound lot and get the car...

...which has the gifts in it...

...and then we're gonna go over to the twins house and beg for them to take us back!


Let's do it!

Oh, no, hold on.

I gotta take a crap.

Told you.

- I know. - I know your body.

Boys, I got some good news for you.

We just got your car in this morning.


But the bad news is: Not only did officer Boyer send your car to the impound...

...he tagged it for auction and it was sold this afternoon.


Do you know who bought the car?

I happen to have the address right here.


But it'd be against regulation 457XY2D665 to give it to you.

Come on...

Reaching on to this side of the counter is not allowed.

The last guy who tried it ended up with three broken fingers.

Reach it.

You can reach it.

No. I got one of these carpal tunnels. What if I further injure myself.

I have to do everything.

Well. I'm a better lookout. My vision's better. You know that.

That's it. That's it.

Got it!


What are you doing?

I'm stuck.

Come on.


Dude, here she comes.

I got it. I got it.

We'll.... We'll spit on it.

You know. Lubrication.

That's grouse dude.

Here she comes. SPIT! SPIT!

Good news guys. I talked to my supervisor and he said I can give you the address after all.

That's great.

But the bad news is

I'm gonna have to confiscate your pinky

Alright. Next stop: find my car.

Hey. Check it out.

Totally gaynotic dudes at 3 o'clock.

Wait. I got an idea.

Now we just go over there and ask for the continuum transfunctioner?

Yeah. It's that easy.

Thank you both. Very much.

Hey. Don't mention it.

That's for the galaxy dudes.

Time to get your car dude.

Those creepy space nerds are back dude.

Dude, you're not worried about them.

They're totally harmless.

Now, may I have the continuum transfunctioner?

Not quite yet.

Would you consider giving it to me while I continue to give you pleasure?


Wake up dude.

More pleasure...



Get dressed. We're going to the big house.

Nice outfits.

They're not outfits. They're interstellar jump-suits.

Hey. Nice interstellar jump-suits.


Wow! Nice place.

Is this where Zoltan...

Is this where Zoltan hangs out?

No. This is his parent's house.

We're going over there.

A barn? Is it red?


Then it's not a barn.

This is creepy.

It's like a country music video.

Alright. That's far enough.

You there.

You over there.

No messing around.

Ok dude. Remember which one it is?

- Here. Let me. - I'll do it.

It's that one.

Grab the...


Grab the fucking ex... and.... those studs in the head.

You want the fire extinguisher?

- Enough. - No, not that one.


What are you? Death?

Hey. You don't have to be mean. OK?

How are we gonna get out of here?

Your attention please. Our imperial commander Zoltan...

...requests your presence at the office ...

for level seven meeting? Ah..., over.

It is now my great pleasure to present to you our wise and powerful leader

- Zoltan! - Zoltan!

- Zoltan.

The time has come you guys.

We are finally going to fulfil our prophecy of outer space travel.


They laughed at us when we said that aliens existed and they mothed us when we started wearing...

...bubble wrap jump suits. But who's laughing now?

I'll tell you who's laughing now. We are!


Soon we will leave this lame planet and

fly through outer space with cool aliens who like us.

It is going to be awesome!

That's them.

They knocked us out and stole our spacesuits.

No we didn't

Yeah you did!

No we didn't

Yes you did!

No we didn't.

Yes you did.

Hey, who you're gonna believe? Us or them?

So you're Jesse and Chester.

I've been looking forward to meeting you guys, although...

I'm sorry it had to be like this.



Normally we would never resort violence but we are dealing with continuum transfunctioner afterall.

If you don't deliver it to us...

...your girlfriends are history.

Don't worry girls. We'll save you.

Yeah. You can depend on us.


Go now and bring us the continuum transfunctioner.

And be quiet on your way out, my parents are taking a nap.

And then you can tell us where the continuum transfunctioner is.

And then?

And then we'd be able to go and get it.

And then?

Can I get an order of shrimp fried rice?

Wow, wow, wow.

I don't see the car. Are you sure this is the place?

The car'd better be in there.

I almost lost my pinky to get that info.

Oh man, I sense there's something very canadian about this place.

Plan B!


Are you ready?

Let's do this.




I'm ok. You ok?


Dude. It's a lama.

It's not a lama. It's an ostrich.

OK. Very slowly...

...let's turn around...

...and go back the other way.


New plan. We turn around again...

...very slowly...

...and go back the other way.


They're everywhere.

What now?

Hey, I saw this thing about ostriches on Animal Planet.

Those are lama's dude.

No. What you're supposed to do is stand very still...

...and eventually they'll get bored and go away.

I think it's working.

Stupid lamas.

Let's go!

Let's get in this car!


What ostriches eat?


If they eat peanuts...

...we'll just throw them peanuts and they'll go away.

We don't have any peanuts.

Great, we're screwed.

They're leaving. It worked.

What worked?

Whatever we did.

Now may I have the continuum transfunctioner?

Not quite yet.

Scary dream, huh?

What's up? My name is Mark.

Where are we?

You're in punishment room.

This is where he likes to keep the ostrich poachers.


Yeah. That's right.

You know, I've been in this cage for about three years five months and seventeen days...

...but who's counting...

How's my breath?

That bad, huh?

Where are you guys from? I'm from Connecticut, hi, Mark.

There we go.


Get him off.



No, that's not what it looks like. Maybe a little bit.

How is your now?

Shut up!

Well, somebody sure is a grumpy gasp today.

In France when a man is caught poaching ostriches.

...we shave his head and we make him to run through the fields.

Oh God, that's the good part.

Once you have seen this...

...you are never quite the same.


Tell me about it. I used to model.

Lucky for you I am an honorable man.

What? I'm sorry.

I said I am an honorable man.

I'm sorry, an honograbbbble?

honorable. - honogargable?

honorable. - honogarable?

I don't know what you're saying.

Honorable! Honorable! - ^%$@^@

I think you're trying to say honorable.

Shut up!

Hey, I'm sorry.

Right, hear this. I am going to ask you a question.

If you get it right I will set you free.

If you get it wrong...

...well, you will be spending a lot of time with the...

...ever popular Mark.

I can be very nice.

Alright, here it is:

What is the average running speed...

...of a full grown male african ostrich?

Pass. Pass to me. I know it.

Pass to Mark.

You can not pass!

Shut up. What do I have to do to shut you up? Do I have to hose you down again?

Don't hose me. Maybe later.

Dude, we're dead.

Not so fast.

The full grown male african ostrich or the latin "struthio camelus" can go to an average size of sixty six inches...

...and weight anywhere from 225 to 350 pounds that can get up to....

...well an average speed of...

...27 miles per hour.

This is absolutely correct.

Animal Planet!

Well. I said brown.

Here, let me get you out of this stinky cage.

Oh, please forgive me.

Can I get you guys some beers?

I'd like a Near-Beer please.

Shut up!

Well, actually we just came about the car that you bought today.

We just wanted to get some stuff out of it.

No problem. Right this way.

Well, it was nice meeting you guys.

Good luck with the whole modeling thing.

Email me. OK?


The... The car was here this afternoon.

It just disappeared.

How do you just lose a car?

I'm so sorry you guys. I...

I feel terrible.

Alright. Pierre. Just focus here.

Was there anything in the car when you got it?

No, nothing. Except of course for this.


Dude, I'm having my next birthday party here for sure.

Yeah, me too.


Hey, excuse me. Can you tell me where locker 206 is?

Yeah, it's right over there.

Oh, hey, it's you guys.

Dude, you guys paid an amazing round of pot-pot last night.

We did?

Oh, yeah!

Thanks dude.


Here it is.

I sure hope my money's in there.


Who are you?

This is my boyfriend Patty.

Nice to meet you.

How did he pop a name like this?

Less questions. More giving me my money!

Guess this is it.

Yup. The moment of truth.

It's been a long strange trip dude.

Sure has Jesse.


I've got a plane to catch.


My suitcase.

Oh my god! You guys are the best!

Thank you so much.

Thanks for your help fellow. Good work.

Are we... Are we supposed to be grousout here?

I don't know.


Look at this stuff. Captain Stue tickets.


Ohh! Jellybeans

No jellybeans...

Cool straw. I'm gonna keep this.

Hey, look at these.

Dude, we speak Japanese.


I don't see a continuum transfunctioner in here.

Wait a second. What do we know about the continuum transfunctioner?

That it's a very mysterious and powerful device... - and?

and it's mystery is only exceeded by it's power.

Right! But has anyone ever said anything about what it looks like?


That was Jesse and Chester. They've got the continuum transfunctioner.

Quick, to my mother's minivan.

That was Jesse and Chester. They've got the continuum transfunctioner.

Quick, to my stepdad's pickup truck.

I'm really getting a hang on this thing dude.


Yes, I finally beat you.

You... You're a competitor.

Oh, boy, you got me the first nine, but not number ten.

Not gonna happen.

Time for the final showdown.

Chester, Jesse.

Don't worry girls. We're here to save the day.

Quit it. These things are expensive.

Enough. You have the continuum transfunctioner or not?

Now, release our girlfriends.

First give up the transfunctioner.

First release the girlfriends.

First you give us the continuum transfunctioner. Then...

Same time...


We have got the continuum transfunctioner.

There they are.

OK stoners. Where's the continuum transfunctioner?

Hey. You...

Release dodo bird

Tommy you're such a jerk.


That's our continuum transfunctioner.

Well now it's mine.


- Dude, let's get out of here - Yeah.

Where is the continuum transfunctioner?

We don't have it. But...

...we'd like you to meet our girlfriends Wanda and Wilma.

Yeah, we've already met.

You'd better stay away from our boyfriends.

You fake breasted sluts.

OK. Let's go this way.

Halt. Where is the continuum transfunctioner?

Well, you wanna go talk to that guy over there.

Let the pleasure begin.

That is not the continuum transfunctioner.

Of course it is.

Follow the kids. Come on. Follow. Go. Go.

Nerd bashing time.

It's not our fault. It was them.

Looking for a Smoky McPot. I have a delivery for a Smoky McPot.

You ordered pizza?

Yeah. I figured we'd get hungry.

Oh, no! It's you two!

Look dude, I almost got it.

Dude, you're really starting to piss me with your Rubik’s Cube obsession. OK?



No wonder those things are so impossible.

Oh no, you've activated the continuum transfunctioner.

Alright, what's going on?

Once all five of the Darusi Crystals stop flashing the...

...universe is going to be destroyed.

How do you know all that?

We've been intercepting interstellar transmissions for years.



Way to go Chester.

I'm sorry.

Quickly. You must give it to us so we can deactivate it. We are the keepers of the continuum transfunctioner.

They will use it to destroy the universe.

No. We are the keepers of the continuum transfunctioner.

They want to destroy the universe.

Stop copying us.

Stop copying us.

Stop copying us.

Stop copying us.


Don't you guys remember?

We came to this planet last night to escape the clutches of those evil space sluts.

We met you here at the space-o-rama and then you gave us a ride back to our space ship...

...and that's when we realized that we had lost the continuum transfunctioner.

Hurry, there's only three blinking lights left.

Bye, bye universe.

He's right dude. We're gonna make the wrong decision.

You know what dude. I refuse to let us go down in history as the dudes who destroyed the universe.

How do we figure out which ones are the true keepers of the continuum transfunctioner?

Well, it's... it's simple.

We just ask them a question about last night that only the ones that are telling the truth would know.

But we can't remember a thing.

You gotta hurry.

Not now Jeff.

If we really did give one of you guys a ride last night...

...then you'll know the answer to this question:


What score did we get on the eighteenth hole of the miniature goIf course last night?

You got the hole-in-one.




Deactivation complete.

Wait a second. If you guys don't remember a thing about last night...

...how do you know they were telling the truth?

Well, it's simple really.

The pudding!

Wow, you guys had a plan!

And it actually worked.

For the love of God.

Wow, morphing is cool.

Wow, that is one super hot giant alien.

Let's go!

Chester, Jesse.

That is amazing. - Yeah.

Those are the biggest hoohoos I have ever seen.

We will now use the power of the continuum transfunctioner to punish you to hook

of the New Jersey..

What are we supposed to do now?

I think we run dude.

Those guys are in a hurry.

I wanna go with that one daddy.

Me too son, me too.

Hey, what do I do with this thing?


The what?


...you fools!

Hurry, activate it dude.

I think this is it.

Thank you captain obvious.

I can't reach it.

Deep, in your conciseness you must look.

Concentrate on the knowledge inside you must.

Do you have to talk like that?

I like the way you talk.

'Chimpanzees often use sticks as crude tools'

I got it!

Oh boy.

We saved the universe.

The big bitch is dead.

Damn. Now those are some big ass panties.

Christie honey could you give me a hand?

No Tommy. I've found somebody else.

Jesse and Chester just saved the universe.

You guys are still gonna take us into outer space. Right?

There is a party in a Crab Nebula. You guys can come to.

There you go.

Thanks for your help. Jesse and Chester.

You have helped insure the safety of the universe.

Well that's the cool and all, but...

...dude, where's my car?

You mean you guys don't remember?

Damn, you were wasted last night.

Now, before we go, we must eliminate all knowledge of this encounter.

Wait, no. We have so many questions that we'd wanna ask you about the universe.

Like what?


Have you guys ever been to Uranus?


Good morning guys.

Morning Gene.

We'll go over to the twins house...

and then?

...and then we give them their anniversary gifts...

and then?

and then we'll apologize for trashing the house.

and then?

and then we get our special treats.

and then?

Dude, that's really annoying.


Dude, where's my car?

Dude, where's my car?

Where's your car dude?

Dude, there's your car.

I heart U.

You guys are great boyfriends.

We have something for you too.

A very special treat.


We saw the names on ourselves.


Put them on!

You guys look great.

1210 01:16:11,675 --> 01:16:13,342 What are these?

Ah, more gifts.

They're beautiful.

Where did you guys get these?

This place.

Thank you for helping to save the universe

We hope your girlfriends like these gifts

We know you will

How wasted were we last night?



Is anyone hungry?


I can go for some chinese food.

That sounds great.


My back itches dude.

Jesse you got a tattoo.

Oh my god, so do you Chester.

No way. What's mine say?


What about mine?


Yeah, but what does mine say?


What about mine?


I know they're sweet, but dude what does mine say?


What about mine?


Hit it!

I can you sexy.

How did he pop on up like this?

This isn't fair. They're booting us

Sweet! Dude!

I am fun loving. I like charades.

Shut up!

Go ahead and laugh.


That's keeper

Fingers crossed. I'm out

I got it.

You wanna piece of this?



And then?

and then we went and leased

and then?

got those sweet jumpsuits we....

and then?

then we went... oh man.... i'm losing it

i am fun loving, without my clothes

the PHOTOMIC INS.... the great thing... dummy!



Shall we cut?

We've got to cut. I mean we'd have to.

This dudes have to cut it.


Donated by SergeiK