Dumb And Dumberer Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Dumb And Dumberer script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Dumb and Dumber movie prequel.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Dumb And Dumberer. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Dumb And Dumberer Script



Come out, come out,

wherever you are!



Where is that little joker?



Breathe deep, Mrs. Dunne.



That's it. That's it.






Push, that's it.



Keep pushing,

you're doing great, Mrs. Dunne.



You're doing great.

Okay, that's it.



There's the head,

I can see it now.



Okay, congratulations...



It's a...



Okay, it went back in.



I think he'll be good

at hide and seek, Mrs. Dunne.






Well, you got yourself

a shy one here.



Okay, come on out,

you Iittle bastard.






He bit me!



Attention all units,

man trapped in a well.



    Hill Street.



Captain Rob!



Captain Rob, can you hear me?

Grab the rope!



Can you help him?



Harry, no. This is--

this is not a real well.



We can't keep coming out here

trying to get



your imaginary

friend out of trouble.



Well, thanks for saving him.

Coming, Captain Rob!



We didn't really

save anybody.



I'm sorry, Dave.



It's okay, he just has

an overactive imagination.



Don't worry, he'II grow out of it.

They all do.



Captain Rob, come on out,

I give up!



Where is he?

Where are you, Captain Rob?



Honey, he's gone.



He must've known you were

starting school today.



Mom, do I have

to go to regular school?



- Yes, honey.

- But you're a good teacher.



Thank you, sweetie. I think it's time

you made some new friends.



You know, friends

your own age.



- I'm just not ready.

- Oh, I almost forgot.



Captain Rob

Ieft this for you.



He said to count your steps

very carefully.



Wow, a treasure map!



- What's the treasure?

- It could be anything.



Honey, you're going to discover a whole

new world when you get to school.



Like Marco Polo.



The guy who invented

the swimming pool.



Of course.



- I better get going.

- Now remember, Harry,



there's a friend out there

waiting just for you.



You're a good kid, Lloyd.



And good looking, too.



You make a father proud.



- Thanks, Pop.

- Okay, now Iet me finish--



Dad, watch the ears.



Aah. Okay,

there you go, gigolo.



- Yeah?

- Yeah.



- Looks good?

- Like fresh-cut grass.



Okay, now come on.

Let's get ready,



school's going to open real soon now.

Let's go.



- Oh, keys please.

- Here you go.



It's good to be

a janitor's son.



- Love ya!

- Love you.



  lce, ice, baby  



  lce, ice, baby  



  All right, stop,

collaborate and listen  



  lce is back

with my brand new invention  



  Something grabs ahold

of me tightly  



  Flow like a harpoon

daily and nightly  



-   Will it ever stop?  

-   Yo, I don't know  



  Turn off the lights

and I'll glow  



  To the extreme I rock

a mic like a vandal  



  Light up a stage

and wax a chump like a candle  



  lce, ice, baby  



-   Vanilla  

-   lce, ice, baby  



-   Vanilla  

-   lce, ice, baby  



-   Vanilla  

-   lce, ice, baby  



-   Vanilla  

-   Now that the party is jumpin'...  



  With the bass kicked in

and the vegas are pumpin'  



  Quick to the point

to the point no fakin'  



  Cooking MCs like

a pound of bacon  



  Burning them if you ain't

quick and nimble  



  I go crazy when I hear

a cymbal  



  And a hi-hat

with a souped up tempo  



  I'm on a roll,

it's time to go solo  



  lce, ice, baby,

too cold  



-   Vanilla  

-   lce, ice, baby, too cold  



  Too cold  



  lce, ice, baby.  



Whoa, whoa, whoa,

Iook at you!



You're Iooking real sharp there

in your new back-to-school outfit.



- Ooh, ooh.

- Here, Dad.



Okay. Whoa, whoa.

One sec.



Let's see if anyone

Iost a camera.



Oh, Iook at this.



Okay ready?

Smile for papa. Come on.







Okay, wait, wait, wait!



Okay, if you're gonna

go to school you need a book.



Okay? Okay, ready?

Okay, okay.



Look pretty.

Pretty, pretty.



Pretty... boy!



I got to catch my bus.

See you, Pop!



Yeah, but you're already

at school!



Hope they Iike my new jacket!



We go through this every year.



Got to get to school.



Excuse me.

Pardon me.



Hi. Hi.



- Sorry.

- You're going the wrong way, Ioser!



Can't miss my bus.



Okay, so follow the map

and find a friend.



So what's the apple for?

This is too distracting.



One of you has to go.



I'm sorry it's you.




take your seeds

and grow into a beautiful pie.






Hey, whoa!



- Sorry about that, mate.

- Nice car, Frenchie.



Hey, cute puppy.









Whoa, whoa!



Bad dog! Don't get me,

don't get me!




Bad doggie! Bad doggie!



Whoa, whoa!



No, no, no!






Somebody chipped my tooth.



How do you think I feel?



Someone bit me

in the forehead.



Oh, no!



You could've saved that

for the tooth fairy.



That's stupid. I happen to know

my mom is the tooth fairy.



- Your mom is the tooth fairy?

- Yeah.



Wow, that is so cool.



She must do all the flying

around when I'm asleep.



Yeah, yeah.



- Harry Dunne.

- Harry Dunne?



Why does that not

sound familiar?



- Probably because we've never met?

- No, that's not it.



Anyway, yeah,

LIoyd Christmas.



Here I am bragging

my mom's the tooth fairy



- and you're Santa's kid?!

- No, no.



- Yeah!

- Yeah? No, I'm not.



- I knew it!

- No, I'm not.



- I bet you are.

- No, I bet I'm not.



- I know you are.

- Why have I never seen you here before?



Home school,

till today.



Home school.

What's that?



I go to school

where I Iive.



Me too!




- No?

- Yeah!



Whoa, that's my bus! Hey! Hey!



No, wait!

No, wait!



Hi! Hello!



I missed it.

Now I have to walk.



It's right over there.



- Is that what I think it is?

- Nope, it's a treasure map.






My mom says it's

somewhere in the school.



I don't know, I'm pretty

familiar with the school



and I've never seen

that X before. Mm-mmm.



Ooh, but I do

know something.



- What?

- Yeah.



You're it.



I'm it?



What's it?



I don't really know,

you know, but whatever it is,



it's something you

don't want to be, and right now...



yeah, you are.



Wait, so if I touch you,

you're it?



- Yeah, that's how it works, Harry.

- You're it!



- No, Harry!

- See you Iater!



Wait-- ahh!



Hello, my yellow friend.

Sorry I missed ya.



So high school's all about Iooking cool,

Harry, so stick with me.



Why are those girls

dressed in matching outfits?



They're cheerleaders, Harry.

It's a dangerous cult.



- Don't let them talk to you.

- Don't we want them to talk to us?



- No. No, no, no, no, no.

- Why not?



Besides cooties and other

medical reasons,



they're not in the cool crowd, which

I am, which you want to be a part of.



- You know what I mean?

- No. Hey.



- What about her?

- She's a total dork.



I mean, just Iook

how she dresses.



Check out that skirt. I mean,

it's so short. Where's the flood?



And that sweater-- it's so tight,

her milk-bubbles are popping out.






Oh my gosh, she's not

wearing underwear.



Yeah, how dorky is that.

I'm wearing two pair right now.



Me too.



This is my Mohawk friend, Turk.



He's part of the cool crowd.

Hey, Kimosabe!



Shut up, ass-face.



That's the Iroquois name he gave me

for having the strong face of an ass.



Looks Iike we're going

to go have a pow-wow!



Ooh. Hi.



I hope the carpet

matches the drapes.



Excuse me?



You know, in the Iibrary.



Oh. Yeah.



I don't think it does.



- You're new here, right?

- Depends on how you define new.



You're the kid

who was home schooled.




How'd you know?



I was assigned to write

an article for the school paper.



It was either

a feature on you



or the new four-color ink pens

at the student store.



Four colors in one pen?



No! That's impossible.



Yeah, well,



I'd rather be writing a hard-hitting

investigative piece



but nothing ever happens around here.

I'm Jessica Matthews.






- Harry Dunne.

- What's going on here?



Hey, freakshow,



did Jessica give you

that banana in your pants?



No, my mom did.



- Gross.

- You want a bite?



Hey, smells Iike cheese. Whoo!



- Turk, Ieave him alone.

- "Turk, Ieave him alone."



- Shut up!

- "Shut up!"



- Oh boy.

- Harry, I'II talk to you Iater.



Pretty colors.



Ride's not over yet, pal.



Hey, can my friend

Harry come too?



- Yes, he can.

- Hi, Harry.



So were you held back

two years Iike LIoyd?



No, I was held back three.



By your mom?



  All you got

to feel it, all right.  



And Principal Collins,



you'll be pleased to know

that this year



Wednesday's are

"South of the Border" days.



We'II be serving

a spicy tuna tamale



along with a three-cheese




Sounds Iike it's going

to be another...



hot year in the kitchen.



- Hello?

- Yes? What is it?



Sir, it's time

for morning announcements.



Yes, I--

I'm aware of that.



Yes. Um...



why don't you make

the announcements this morning, dear?



But what should I announce?



- Tell her about the quesadillas.

- Make something up!






Well, that was

a mood breaker.



You know, honey...



I think I've finally

figured out a way



to bilk this school

out of enough money



to get us that condo

in Waikiki.



How, sweet baby?

You've done it all.



Small potatoes.



This is the big one.

This is visionary.



This idea is genius.



Look at this.



The Richard Moffitt

Special Needs Grant.



This Moffitt guy used to be

in a special needs program,



and then he Iearns to string

a couple of sentences together



and now he's some

big hotshot.



Anyway, the state is giving

    grand in his name



to every school that has

a special needs class.



- This is fantastic!

- Mm-hmm.



AII we have to do

is kill this Moffitt guy



and we get all the money.



No, no.



What we need is to set up

a fake special needs class.



We start our own class.



Problem is,

where do we find kids...



we can pass off

as special?



Okay, that's high enough!



- Thanks, Turk.

- I'm flying! Woo-hoo!



So this is what a flag

sees all day.



- Yeah.

- And your friend Turk is totally great.



Yeah, he's aces, huh?



Hey, thanks, Turk!

We're so high!






Welcome to special needs




I'm Ms. Heller,

the Iunch Iady.



And it--




I mean, your new teacher.






Now the reason you two are here

before class officially starts



is because you're...



extra special.



Thank you.



And were personally selected

by Principal Collins.



Who's Principal Collins?



- He's the principal.

- Wow.



Your first assignment



is to pick

the rest of the class.






Find students that are

just as special as you two.









Is-- is this gonna be

on the midterm?






You know, you're the first person

I ever brought here, Harry.



- Is this your special place?

- No, I just usually eat in the crapper.



Yeah, saves time.

Out with the old, in with the new.



- Could we eat there tomorrow?

- Yeah, but first we need to find kids



that are special, needy, and classy enough

to be in our special needs class.



It'II be Iike taking

candy from a stranger.



- "Har-ery"?

- The second "R" is silent.



Oh, that makes

much more sense.



Oh, Iittle crippled boy.




Our first recruit.



- His curse is our blessing.

- Careful, Harry, don't scare him.



Hey, Iittle guy.

Hey Iittle orphan buddy.



- What happened?

- Skateboard.



- One day, they'II find a cure.

- You brave Iittle soldier.






No, man, it's nothing.

The cast comes off in a few weeks.



He's obviously in denial.

Maybe we can help.



We're part of a special class

taught by the Iunch Iady.



I mean, Ms. Heller.

You should join up.



It doesn't

require any walking.



No one will make fun

of your horrible deformity.



- How much homework is there?

- That's the downside.



- There's none.

- Dude, dude.



Wait a minute, I can spend

the whole year



in a class taught

by the Iunch Iady?






- Can I bring my girlfriend?

- You can bring whatever you want.



AII right.






  Here we go  



  It's a new day,

but it all feels old  



-   It's a good life

that's what I'm told  



  But everyday,

it all just feels the same  



  At my high school,

it felt more to me  



  Like a jail cell,

a penitentiary...  



- Harry Dunne, Special Needs.

- He's with us.



You deserve him.



- I guess I owe you this one.

-   I don't ever want to be like you  



  I don't want to do

the things you do  



  I'm never gonna hear

the words you say  



  And I don't ever wanna,

I don't ever wanna  



  Be you  



  Don't wanna

be just like you...  



Go, go, go!



  This is the anthem,

throw all your hands up  






He's out.

Put him on the disabled Iist.



That means you're

one of us now.






We already have

a special slogan.




what are you doing?



She's a foreign

exchange student.



She obviously doesn't

speak the English.



Ching chong ching

chingy chong ching chong ching.






  Don't want to be just like you  



  What I'm saying is

this is the anthem  



-   Throw all your hands up  

- Ching chongen ay.



  Y'all got to feel me,

sing if you're with me...  



Get your car washed

and support the Stallions.



- Aah.

- Whoa!



The half boy/half horse.



Oh! That's more

of what we're Iooking for.



- He's super special.

- Well...



I mean, I got to get

a job anyway.



So if I--

if I sign your thing,



I can just come and go

whenever I want to?



You were born free,



and free

you shall remain.



Well, okay.






Easy, easy.



Easy, boy, easy, boy.



Easy, boy. It's okay.

You're in!



- We did it!

- Yes, we did, Harry.



Special needs class,     .



We are the chosen ones,

all present and accounted for.



... football player,

the crippled kid...



What about Lewis,

the half horse boy?



- He really had me fooled.

- Here we go.



Hey, thanks

for the grub, Mrs. D.



- You're welcome, LIoyd.

- Hey, where's Mr. D?



Oh, he passed away

a few years ago.



He missed

one great pot of stew.



Actually, it's meatloaf, but you just

put everything in your soup.



I Iike it a Iot.



Harry, I am so proud of you

making a real friend.



Is it okay

if he spends the night?



- LIoyd, have you asked your parents?

- I Ieft my dad a note.



"Pop, I'm sleeping

at Harry's tonight.



Love, LIoyd.

P.S., you're out of ketchup."



Good kid,

but you could've just called.



Got any crazy eights?



Go fish.









Ha! Now you have to move

your peg seven spaces



and put your shirt

on backwards.



Wow, you really suck

at this game.



Yeah, well, I almost always

beat Captain Rob.



- Who's Captain Rob?

- Just a guy I hang out with.



I know the type. Lives in the basement,

smells Iike a sponge.



No, Captain Rob's seven feet tall,

wears an eye-patch,



- got a hook for a hand.

- Wow, sounds Iike a pirate.



What? No. He's got a parrot on his

shoulder, buries treasure.



- Yeah, that's a pirate.

- I don't think so.



This guy drinks rum from a barrel,

says, "Yo, ho, ho," has a peg Ieg.



- A peg Ieg?

- Yeah, go-cart accident.



Here... we... go!



Be careful, Captain Rob.



- Ooh.

- Three, two, one.



Aah, you Ianded on Candy Land.

Now you have to swallow it.









That's good top hat.



Hey, fellas,



it's getting kind of Iate.

Come on.



- Can I be on top?

- Only if I can be on bottom.



- AII right!

- Yeah!



Airplane into the hangar.

Zzz-- ow!



AII right, pumpkin,

night night.



'Night, Mom.



- 'Night Mrs. D.

- Good night, LIoyd.



Thanks for being

a friend to my Harry.



All right, boys, sleep tight.



Don't let the bedbugs bite.



-   Hey, hey...  

- Ohh. Huh!



- What was that?

- What?



Your mom just totally

made a move on me.



- She did not.

- Yeah, she did, Harry.



Maybe soon

I'II be your new daddy.



- LIoyd, she's my mom.

- Listen, I can't help my heart.



That's right, when I'm your new dad,

you're gonna have to do what I say.



Will not.



Don't you take that tone

with me, young man.



- Shut up.

- I will stop this car right now.



- You're not my real dad.

- You take that back!



- Be quiet, buttlick!

- Ohh!



- Where did you Iearn that word?

- I Iearned it from...



Iistening to you!



- I hate you!

- Kids.



Thank you, Principal Collins...



For our specially needy class!



- They're perfect.

- Mm-hmm.



Well, you should all

be very proud of yourselves.



You are the pioneers here

at Providence Hill High,



the very first

special needs class.



And to commemorate

this occasion,



we're going to take

a class photo.



So Iet's cover this up

just for the picture.



Hold this very high.

That's it.



And Iet's all form a group

under the sign. Quickly.



Now, now,

now, now, now.




Big smile.



Here we go.



Do you remember why

we're here?



I'm supposed to take a picture

for Superintendent Zimmer?






- You want me to take it?

- Yes, yes!



- Oh.

- Okay.



Okay, here we go.







- Cheese.

- Cheese!



- What stinks?

- That'd be me, sir.



- Wife made the stew Iast night.

- Shut up, LIoyd.



- You're not married yet.

- Will be.



I hope you'II all enjoy

your new classroom.



This is not it. It's a special wing

in back of the school we've built for you.



Why don't you go back

and take a Iook at it now?



Quickly, now.

Just head back there. That's it, now.



Principal Collins,

what about the crippled boy?



- Yes, take him with you.

- "Confirmitive."



Easy. LIoyd, LIoyd, LIoyd.

No, no, no.



I can-- I'II just walk,

all right? Is that all right?



Collins is a great man.



Yeah, that's why he was

elected principal.



- That's it. On your way.

- Your Highness.



That's good.

Well, so far so good.



I do think we need

some more pictures, though.



Why don't you take the kids

on a field trip tomorrow?






- And take some more pictures.

- Okay.



Yeah, okay.



Well, don't you have

a phony class to teach?



I put in for a sub.



Was that naughty?



I think I need a "panking."



Pank, pank, pank.



You gonna give me

a panking?



  Clap your hands...  



Hello, class.

My name is Mr. Christmas.



Mrs. Heller had to attend

some serious and urgent business,



so I will be

your substitute teacher.



It's gonna take me a while to Iearn

everyone's names, so please be patient.



- Me, me. Pick me!

- Uh... you.



- Harry.

- Harry. Oooh.



You Iook familiar.

Oh, did I have your brother?



- No.

- No, okay. Any other questions?



- Was there one...?

- Yo!



What's with horse boy?

Now he's a bright shiny sun.



Yeah, don't Iook

directly at him.



I'm just handing out fliers

at the tanning salon, guys.



- It's a part-time job.

- No, that's-- congratulations.



Did you have a question there,

bright eyes?



Yeah, my question's when

the old teacher Iady coming back?



I am your teacher Iady for today.



LIoyd, can I have

a word with you for a minute?



Oh, take this time

to study amongst yourselves.



Obviously there must be some

sort of family emergency,



otherwise there's no reason

my father would be



interrupting me

while I'm working.



- Coming. What the...?

- That's your dad?




What was your name again?



- Harry.

- Harry. Come with me, Harry.



- What's up, Pop?

- We need to talk.



So you must be in the air force.

I Iike your flight suit.



- I'm a custodian.

- Well, then...



aye aye, sir!



Okay, what are you crazy boys

doing in my tool shed?



We're not crazy, Dad,

we're special.



And Principal Collins wants us

to have our own special classroom.



My boy's special,

how 'bout that?!



I knew you

were different! Ohhh!



I'm taking the day off.



Come on, come on.



AII right, guys,

now that teacher Iady's gone,



um... I have a question.



Do you guys know why

our class is in the tool shed?



Who cares, Lewis?

It's better than real school.



If we don't mess this up,



we can go a whole year without

doing any real work at all.



Yeah, man, we can do

anything we want.









So if I had a girlfriend Iike Terri,

I could bring her here and...



do stuff with her?



You got it, jerk-off.



Then I'm in.




But I came here to Iearn

about America.



Listen, baby,



there is nothing more American



than not doing anything

and getting away with it.




Then I'm in.



- Just Iike jerk-off.

- Lewis.






- He's snapping out of it.

- We need him.



I know.

Come on, kid!



- Come on, come on!

- Go get some!






Oh, wow.



Who is Benjamin Franklin again?



He's the pilgrim who used

penicillin to kill Godzilla.




How'd you get so smart?



Public school.




When you Iive in the basement,

you breathe in a Iot of chalk dust.



It writes all the answers

all over your brain.



- You're so Iucky.

- Ooh, now...



- How 'bout a SIushee?

- A. SIushee.



Don't tell me.

Abraham SIushee--



I know this-- third President

of the United States!



That's right, Harry.



And this is the frozen delicious treat

he was named after.



- Nice jugs.

- Yeah.



Hey, your mom's

got jugs Iike these.



Yeah, but they

never been in a magazine.



They ought to be.

They're beautiful.



Ooh, Harry,

I just realized something.



- What?

- You're it!



- Oh no, you're not getting me again.

- "Victoria's Secret," huh?



- Those clothes are for chicks.

- $ .  .



- You're it.

- Oh, you wanna go?



You wanna go,

huh, Harry?




  th century!



- You're it!

- You're it.



Invisibility shield.




I know where you are!



- I know where you are!

- PIease pay me the $ .  .



I know where you are!



- I know where you are!

- You're it.



Seriously, stop for a second.



Come here, Harry,

seriously, for a second. You're it!




No, you're it!



Harry, buns!

You're it!



You're it!



- You're it!

- No, I'm not.



Yeah, you are.



He touched you.



You're it until

you touch someone else.



I know the rules, I'm just not

playing your stupid game.



Now pay me $ .  .



You're it.



You're it.



- You're it.

- No, you're it.



- No, you are.

- You're it.



You're it.




You're it!



And no touch-backs,

no do-overs,



no erasies,

and in this whole store



is home free!



LIoyd, can he do that?



Oh yeah, Harry.



He can...

and he did.



And now...



it's on

Iike Donkey Kong.



Pay the man.



Pay the man.



- Good.

- Yeah.



I thought we

handled that pretty well.



These are really cold, huh?



That's why you got

to drink 'em fast, Harry, trust me.



Drink it, Harry.

Come on, buddy!



Drink, drink, drink!

Go, Harry, go!












Ohh! So what do you

want to do today, Harry?



I don't know.




It hurts so good.






No, Harry, you're not

drinking it fast enough.



You got to drink faster.

You got to go fast. Go fast!



Go fast, go fast, go fast!

You got to drink it fast, Harry,



before it melts!



Tastes so good.



I can't feel my face.



Didn't hurt.



Didn't hurt.



I felt that.






Harry, my mouth is frozen.



I can't--

I can't feel my Iips.



- Harry, they're frozen.

- I don't feel good.



Oh, Harry,

here comes trouble.



Oh, hey guys.



Your milk bubbles Iook nice,




Good one, Harry.



I'II see you guys tomorrow.



I can't believe she's

wearing that outfit.



Yeah, Iast time

I wore those shorts, I got beat up.



Beat up?



Guess what's

under these coconuts?






It's a surprise.



Well, I've got

a Iittle surprise for you.



You got the extender?






No, I talked to Superintendent

Zimmer this morning.



- Oh.

- He's sending Richard Moffitt himself



to our Thanksgiving Day parade,



check in hand.



Oh, monkey,

this is too exciting.



Our dream is coming true.



Smile, sweetheart.



More pictures

for the chest.



What do you keep

in there?



Oh, things.



Photos, tapes.



I tape everything

that goes on in this office.



Just Iike the President.



Just Iike

the President.



Come here, monkey.



- Whoo.

- Hey, it's upside down.



Here, hold my sack.



AII right, according

to the map,



we're almost at school.



Yeah, but we still

haven't found any treasure.










We may have found

something even better.



Come on.



It's our own

special bus, Harry!



How do you know

it's for us?



Because cool kids always sit

in the back of the bus, Harry,



and here, every row

is the back.



We're all cool.

Come on!



Careful, Harry, it's short!



Hey, Harry, I'm in the front

of the bus!



- I'm in the back!

- I'm in the front!



Turk, what are you

doing here?



- Special needs class.

- Being a jerk doesn't make you special.



You're just jealous.

This is the best class ever.



So don't ruin it!



Sorry, special needs only.



Look, Ms. Heller,

there's something fishy here.



And I don't think

it's Friday's special.



Hmm. Well,

I wouldn't know,



since I'm just

the teacher and all.



Now less talking

and more sitting, huh, gang?



Let's go, Margie,

the museum ain't gonna teach itself.



This is a much bigger story

than four-color pens.



  Every day I get in the queue  



-   Too much, magic bus  

-   To get on the bus that takes me to you  



-   Too much, magic bus...  

- You want a scoop?



I'II give you a scoop.



You think we're gonna stop for ice cream?



No. Maybe.



-   Your house is only another mile...  

- Lose her.



  Too much, magic bus...  



- SIug bug. SIug bug.

- Ow! Ow!



Can it be the same one?

SIug bug!



- Ow!

- SIug-- I can still see you.



- That's not how you play!

- Playing Australian rules.



Don't Iet her pass!



  I don't care

how much I pay  



  Too much, magic bus...  



- Scissors, scissors.

- This is too.



- What's that?

- It's an eagle.



- This is a barracuda.

- Fish can't eat a bird.



Ha, ha, too big to make the turn!



- You can't squish a bird with a paper cut.

- Yeah, you can.



- Yeah, you can.

- You can't squish-- No, you can't.



- Punch buggy.

- Ow!



Margie, Iook out!



Help me!



  I said, now I've got

my magic bus...  



  Now I've got my magic bus  



  Too much, magic bus.  



Everyone find a partner.

You're no good to me dead.



- Harry, get back here!

- I'm back, I'm back.



- I'm going.

- Harry? Harry!



Spin faster,

we'II go back in time!



I'm right behind you.

I'm right behind you.



No, no, no!




We got to partner up.



- What do you say, you and me?

- Dream on, desperado.



Right, field trip partner

is kind of a big commitment.



I'm joking. Of course I'II

be your partner.



You got some serious self-worth issues,

my pudgy, ugly Iittle friend.



Stop it, you're

embarrassing me.



Okay, say "fajitas."



- Fajitas!

- Good, got it.



- Yeah?

- Yeah.



Now-- excuse me. How Iong does the

average field trip take here?



Well, to fully experience all we

have to offer, it takes two hours.



Two. Okay.

You know, I'II be back in four.



So why don't you give the tour twice,

and speak slowly?



- Oh, we don't take tips here.

- Oh, sure you do.



I know you don't make much.

Don't be proud.



Don't be proud. It's going away.

It's going away.



It's going away. It's okay.

That's what I thought.



- That's what I thought.

- Okay.



I like your outfit,

Mr. Polar bear.



Hmm. Okay, I'm just

going to turn and walk away.









I'm watching you.






Who told you my name?









Ms. Heller said

not to talk to you.



That's because Ms. Heller

doesn't want you to know



this whole thing is a scam.



I knew it was a fake.



- You did?

- Yeah. Those Eskimos?



I'm sure at Ieast

one of them is a mannequin.



Harry, you're so funny.



But Iisten, I have to ask you

a question that might...



put you in

a delicate position.



You want to talk

about your delicates?



Are you trying to be funny,

or you actually re--






We're all special. Everyone LIoyd

and I chose for the class is special.



You and LIoyd chose

the class?






This is all starting

to make sense.



Could you come

to my house tonight?



- Excuse me?

- We need to talk.



- Come over around  :  ?

- O'clock?









A date.



She said something

about something.



That's perfect, Harry.

Then what?



Then she said " :  "

and I said, "O'clock!"



Sorry about that, buddy. It's my

first time bringing a friend up there.



- You okay?

- Yeah!



So you gotta

help me out, LIoyd.



A real Iive date

with a real Iive girl.



Who cares?

Chicks are for fags.



I think she wants me to come over

to put me in the right position



to check out

her delicates.



- Whatever that means.

- Oh yeah, you're gonna get some.



- Some what?

- You know.



She'II be all over you

Iike a barrelful of monkeys



with that short skirt

and that tight shirt.



Ooh, it's so faggy I can't

even think about it.



- Come on, LIoyd.

- Okay, if you're gonna do this,



bring her something special.

Buy her some chocolate--



the best you can find.



Seems simple enough.



Knock, knock, knock.



Hello, Jessica.



It's nice to see you,




That's not right.



Hi, Jessica.

Do you remember me from before?



I'm Harry



That's stupid!




Hello, Jessica.

Harry-- Mrs. Harry Jessica.



Mr. Harry Jessica.



- J-e-s-s-i-s-s-i--

- Harry?



Harry, hi.



Do you want

to come inside?



Okay. Wipe your feet.

My parents are totally anal.



Oh, that's gross.



- Would you Iike something to drink?

- Yeah, but I'm buying.



Harry, I have a Iot of questions

to go over with you,



so Iet's just

go upstairs.



Good plan.

I'm not really ready for downstairs.



Harry, you're so funny.




I'm not even trying.



- Are you coming?

- Yeah.



I'II race ya!



- Harry, stop horsing around.

- Oh, boy.



Okay, there's a Iot

to go over, Harry,



so it may get

hard for you.



Hard for me?

Hard for me?



Hard for me?



Harry, do you want

to sit down?



- No, no, I'm okay.

- Okay.



I think Collins and Heller are

embezzling money from the school,



and I think it's

been going on for years.



I just have to figure out

some way to prove it.



I mean, it doesn't make

any sense to me.



But I guess there's got

to be a good explanation.



Heller wore

a coconut bra...



Wow, she's really

making me feel hot.



What's worse is I think the entire

special needs class is a scam.



But... I need proof.



I don't know how much longer

I can stand it.



I didn't think the first time

would hurt so much.



- Especially in the ass!

- What?!



Harry, I'm in a position

where I really need your help.







Have you a bathroom?



Yeah, down the hall.



I'II be back in a jiff.



Okay, okay. Water!



Oh, I couldn't.

I didn't.



No, no, no, no.

Oh, what's in there?






No, it can't be.






Oh! No.



Oh, I didn't--



Oh, no, no, no!



Oh no, no, no...



Harry? You've been

in there a while.



- Are you okay?

- Are you kiddin'?



I couldn't be more okay.



My mom wants to know

if you can stay for dinner.



Are you kiddin'?







  I was walking down the street

on a sunny day  



  Hubba, hubba,

hubba, hubba  



  A feeling in my bones

says I'll have my way  



-   Hubba, hubba...  

- Look out, waxer coming through.



  I'm a happy boy, happy boy  



  I'm a happy boy,

happy boy  



  Oh ain't it good when things

are going your way?  



  Hey, hey...  



Harry, are you coming down?



Just cleaning up!



Harry! Harry!



LIoyd, what are you doing here?



I came to check on you, buddy.



I kinda screwed things up.



I'm sure you're overreacting.



I don't think so.



Harry, why are you

covered in poo?



I-- I don't know!



- Okay.

- She asked me to stay for dinner.



I don't know

what to say to her.



Oh, okay, I got an idea!

I saw this in a movie once.



It was a good one.

Go down to this window right here,



open it up, and then

say whatever I say.



Okay, thanks.

I got to find some clothes.



AII right.




a businessman's suit.



Harry, what are

you wearing?



I changed for dinner.



I get dressed for all my meals,

except for breakfast and...



spazz meal.



Boy, it's hot in here.

Do you mind if I open a window?



Be my guest.



- Harry, can you hear me?

- Yes.



- Yes what?

- No, don't answer me, say what I say.






- Okay what?

- You have beautiful eyes.



- You have beautiful eyes.

- Thank you.



Oh, hey.



- Where'd you come from?

- Hey, where'd you come from?



I was born in St. Louis.



Do you want me

to pet your head?



Do you want me

to pet your head?



- I bet you want your head scratched!

- I bet you want



- your head scratched.

- No, why?



We still have a Iot

to talk about.



I bet you want--

don't you snap at me!



You're Iucky

I don't punch you right in the face!



Don't snap at me Iike that. You're Iucky

I don't punch you in the face.



I remember you. How could I forget

those big, hairy nipples?



I remember you. How could I forget

those big, hairy nipples?



I can almost smell your

stinky "fenuter" from here!



I can almost smell your

stinky "fenuter" from here!






Now what are you staring at,

you ugly monkey?



Now what are you staring at,

you ugly monkey?



- Jessica, who's this?

- It's Harry, Dad.



- Why is he talking to you Iike that?

- He's... special.






Hi, Harry.






Bark, bark!



Dinner's ready.



What are we doing

sitting around yapping?



- Let's eat!

- Right.



Hey, Harry, be confident!

You Iook Iovely!



Oh! Yaa!






What are you doing here?



You Iive here? I didn't--

I thought Harry was just...



visiting his accountant.



So you Iike

your butter, do you?



We got some margarine, if you want.



- You could scoop it out of the tub.

- No, I'm fine, thank you.



- Oh!

- This is... Harry.



- Hello.

- Hi.



You know, they make that

in a woman's suit, too.



Jessica, we're eating!



Meet me at the front door.



Yeah, I was just

gonna go there anyway.



Well, I see you Iike

my rolls.



Sure, I Iike a woman

with some meat on her bones.






So Charlie,

what business are you in?



The name's Walter.



- LIoyd, hi.

- Jessica, yeah.



So, did you

give him some yet?



- Some what?

- You know, some.



LIoyd, Harry and I

have been talking about school.



In fact, I want to ask

you something.



Yeah, I know.

You want to go for a ride.



Pretty sweet waxer, huh?



- Where did that come from?

- I Iive with the janitor.



Yup, I got a key

to every room in the school.



So can you get us

into the principal's office?



Principal's office?

Yeah, I could probably swing that.



LIoyd, that's it!

Maybe now I'II get my story!



- What?!

- Aah!



Two-timing slut! And you,

I thought you were from St. Louis?



I don't ever want

to see you again!



Oh my God.



And I'm Ieaving!



He shit everywhere.



There's shit everywhere!



Damn it!



There's shit

on the windows!



Oh my God,

my house is full of shit!



He shit everywhere!



Look what he did.

He shit all over the wall!



- When can we do it?

- Get up here!






- How about tonight at  :  ?

- Okay.



- Great, thanks.

- My house if full of bile!



Thank you, LIoyd. I got to go upstairs.

You got to Ieave.



See you at  :  .



- Calm down, just calm down!

- Whoo-hoo!



Date with Jessica!




There's shit

all over the wall!



I'm right on time.



Won't be Iong now.



This is gonna be great.



I can picture it now.



  Lloyd, Lloyd  



  Super cool Lloyd...  



Oh, Iadies, and that's why

God created women with two breasts



instead of three.

AIthough you're cute, too.



Yes, you are.

You should see her asses.



LIoyd, I finished

all your homework.



Oh, thanks, Jessica.



Get Iost, sister,

he's mine.



In your dreams.

I saw him first!



Oh! You just want him

for his hot rack!



You just want him because he's a genius,

Iike AIbert Frankenstein.



Girls, girls,

girls, girls!



AII right, there's only

one way to solve this.



Make out contest.



How was that, LIoyd?



LIoyd, what are you doing?

That's Jessica.



- And my mom?

- Hi, sweetie.



- Hey, Mom.

- Harry, this is my fantasy,



and I suggest you Ieave right now,

before I imagine something horrible.



- But, I--

- Harry!



Your fantasies are

so much cooler than mine.



Hey, thanks for the jet pack!



- Oopsie-daisy.

- LIoyd, did you just fart?






Well, something stinks.



Maybe it's this...

mix tape I made you.



Or maybe these flowers.



- Uh... thanks LIoyd.

- Yeah.



So are you ready to take me

to the principal's office?



Yeah. So no small talk, huh?

Yeah. Good,



because I'm not

a big fan of the small talk.



So how about this weather?



Hey, Jessica,

I'm coming!



So I see

you've started without me.



- What are you doing?

- What are you doing?



Let's just do it

and get out of here.



Wow, straight to the business.




Let me just get ready.



Aah, I can't

get it off.



I'm so close

I can feel it.



I never should've

switched from Velcro!



Oh, wait,

I got it!



- I got it.

- That's it. I'm done.



This just didn't work out

like I thought it would.



Did you at Ieast

enjoy yourself?



No, it was

a complete waste of time.



This is--

this is embarrassing.



This has never happened

to me before.



- That's my boyfriend.

- Boyfriend?



What was all that talk

about you riding on my waxer?



Thanks, LIoyd, but I didn't find

what I was Iooking for.



And can you do me a favor

and clean this place up?



Principal Collins

can't know that we were here.



Yeah, no problem.

I don't kiss and tell!









Dirty girl.



Oh my God,

a treasure chest.



I found Harry's treasure.






Oh, it's heavy.

It must be fully Ioaded.









Hey, I found the treasure.



- Go away, ass-face!

- Did you hear what I said, Harry?



The treasure,

Iike on your map.



Yeah, right. Why don't you go

show it to your girlfriend?



Jessica and I

are through, Harry. Yeah.



I couldn't stand being with her

knowing that you Iiked her.



It just wasn't worth

our friendship.



Oh, you know, and also

she had a boyfriend.



Did you hear something,

Captain Rob?



- Captain Rob came back?

- Yeah, he does sound Iike a rat-fink.



Hey th-- there's no reason

to use that kind of Ianguage.



Good one, Captain Rob.

He does Iook Iike a you-know-what.



We're telling

inside jokes, are we now?



You know what?

That's it.



We're through!

You're out of the cool club!



The next time Turk's passing out

wedgies, you're not gonna get one!






We're done, pal!

Finito! The end!



"Auf wiener schnitzel!"



Mazel tov.






  I know just how

to whisper  



  And I know

just how to cry  



  I know just where

to find the answers  



  And I know

just how to lie  



  I know just how

to fake it  



  And I know

just how to scheme  



  I know just when

to face the truth  



  And then I know

just when to dream  



  And I know

just where to touch you  



  And I know just what

to prove  



  I know when

to pull you closer  



  And I know

when to let you loose  



  But I don't know

how to leave you  



  And I'll never

let you fall  



  And I don't know

how you do it  



  Making love

out of nothin' at all  



-   Making love  

-   Outta nothin' at all  



  Making love  



-   Outta nothin' at all  

-   Making love  



  Outta nothin' at all  



  Making love  









  Outta nothin' at all...  



  Making love.  



Come to Pete's Seafood Shanty--






Do I know you?



Do you know me?

Yeah, you know me.



I'm in your class, stupid.



Oh my God,

I can't believe it.



It's-- it's really you.

You're Harry's friend, aren't you?



Well, I wouldn't call us friends,



but we're all right.



You-- you really

are a pirate.



Well, yeah.

You Iike it?



So I'm an arsehole,

eh, Captain Rob? Huh?



What are you talking about?






- Come to Pete's--

- I want my friend back!



Hey, buddy! Hey, Harry!



Hey, buddy,

you gotta see this!



Harry, are you in there?



Harry! Hey!



Buddy! Woo!



Harry, I got a surprise for you!



You took the polar bear

out of its natural habitat.






Mommy, where's

the daddy polar bear?



He was shot by a hunter,

just Iike your father.




I can't believe you!



Just when I thought I couldn't

get any madder at you,



you do something

like this.



Get that polar bear

out of my yard



- and up to my room!

- Okay, buddy!



- I got it!

-   What I want, you've got  



  And it might

be hard to handle  



  Like the flame

that burns the candle  



  And I can't explain  



  Oh yeah,

well, well, you  



  O-oh, ooh, ooh, ooh  



  You make my dreams

come true  



  Yo-ou, you, you  



  Ooh, ooh  



  Well, well,

well, you  



  O-oh, ooh, ooh, ooh  



  Oh yeah, you make

my dreams come true...  



Hey, buddy,

what happened to you?



I don't want

any problems, okay?



-   Listen to this...  

- Move! Move!



Excuse me!

Get out of my way!



He must be jealous

of our polar wear.



Where is it?



Baby, I'm going to spend

the morning at the mall.



- You know, shop for Waikiki.

- Where the hell is it?



A lot of stuff we could

use for the trip.



- What are you Iooking for?

- My chest.



- The chest I keep my papers in?

- What papers?



The documents, the photos,

the tapes.



- The evidence.

- Evidence of what?



Sweetheart, keep up

with me for half a minute.



The evidence of every scam

we've ever pulled,



the evidence that's going

to put us away for    years.



- Where is it?!

- I don't know, it's not here.



Somebody stole it.






- What Jessica?

- That girl...



who tried to follow me

on the field trip?



- She took it.

- Are you sure?



Yeah. Oh, she's been snooping around,

asking questions.









- I'II take care of her.

- Yeah?



You gonna kill her?



No. No, I'm not--

I'm not gonna kill her.



Honey, why don't you see to it the kids

are ready for the parade, okay?



- Okay.

- Yeah.



And I think I'II pay Jessica...



a Iittle visit.



Thanksgiving Day parade

is almost here.



So, any ideas for a float?



- Ooh, a raft!

- A blimp!



- A turd.

- Titanic.



- A platypus.

- Corn dog.



- Message in a bottle.

- No, not things that float,



ideas for a float. You know,

Iike if you see a parade



and people are...?



Can I hear

from anyone else?



- Hello.

- Hi, Ching Chung. What do you have?






...Iicka Iicka pow!



She's saying

"beautiful swan..."



"...flying gracefully

over the rice fields..."



...Roy Orbison.



...to the tune

of "Only the Lonely" by Roy Orbison.



No, now come on,

you guys.



Focus, think.

Put your thinking caps on.



What do you think of

when you think of Thanksgiving?



- Like cranberries and Indians.

- Football!



Football, yeah!

Get some!



Good for you.




Oh hey, Lewis has got a good idea.

George Washington.



- Wow!

- Who?



- He only invented money.

- Very good, Lloyd.



How about a float of George Washington

crossing the Delaware?



- Ooh, or maybe a river.

- Like the Atlantic.



Okay, so it's settled.



This is gonna be

the greatest Thanksgiving ever.



You mean we have to-- we have

to parade around in front of everyone?



On a float

of George Washington?



- We're gonna Iook Iike idiots.

- Exactly.



No chance. We are not doing it.

No effing way.




Hey, did I mention



that if you don't make a float,

it's back to homework?



And... real grades.



How would you like that?



Oh-- and actually having

to attend class.






Which means, you won't be

so special anymore.



  Crack that whip  



  Give the past

the slip...  



That's what I was

talking about.



  Break your

momma's back  



  Now whip it  



  lnto shape  



  Shape it up  



  Get straight  



  Go forward  



  Move ahead  



  Try to detect it,

it's not too late  



  To whip it  



  Whip it good.  



Hey, guys, check it out.



Thanks, Principal Collins,

for giving me this interview.



Anything I can do to help.

So, you had some questions?



Yes, actually.



Last year, Toby was

in AP English,



and Lewis won

the science fair.



What are they doing in this

new special needs class?



Well, that's

a poor question.



It's wordy, pedantic-- a good

question gets right to the point.




where's my chest?



Chest? I don't know

what you're talking about.



Oh, I think you do.



You know, my parents

are gonna wonder where I am.



One phone call from the principal

will take care of that, my dear.



Hello, it's me, Brenda.



Jessica's friend?



Yeah, we're going to be

pulling an all-nighter



in the Iibrary tonight,



'cause we have a big exam tomorrow.

Macro... economics,



and it's really hard.



Ooh, they still have

my two favorite flavors,



cherry and green.



- Yeah.

- Oh, hey, fellas.



You want some of this?




Oh, it's gonna be good.



You know what?

I'm gonna go crazy.



I'm gonna have two flavors.

Suicide of deliciousness.



- That Iooks so tasty, Harry.

- Oh God, I want that.



- He's mixing them.

- Oh, it's gonna taste so good.



I was right.

It's really good.



He's so Iucky.



Mmm, mmm.



Suck it.



I want one.



We can't go in there.

We'II be it.



You're right...

we can't.



Come here.



Hey, hey, Iittle buddy.

Hi, how ya doin'?



Hey, you want

to make $ ?



- Sure.

- Yeah?



AII you got to do is go in there

and get us two SIushees.



- Okay.

- Okay, as in we got a deal?



Yeah, deal.



But first,

give me the $ .



I said "doll hairs."



Psych. But a deal's a deal.

In you go, Iittle buddy.



- Come on.

- Fine, give me the doll hairs.



- Harry?

- A deal's a deal.



Would you take

five bucks instead?



Good thinking, Harry.

Good thinking.



AII right, be cool.

Be cool.



Be cool.



Yeah, and she's Iike,

"You better call my mom."



And I'm Iike, "Whoa,"

and she's Iike, "Oh."



And I'm Iike, "Whoa,"

and she's Iike, "Oh."



And I'm Iike...



it's Brenda.

I'm new.



Oh! Ice, ice, baby.



Yeah, I peed in those.




Grow up.



- You're it.

- Are not.



- Are too.

- D .



- Chewbacca.

- Ooh, good one, Harry.



Hey, it's Jessica.



Harry, I thought

we worked through this.



No, it's Jessica.



Oh, must be her boyfriend's car.



- It's Principal Collins!

- Principal Collins is Jessica's boyfriend?



Oh, that totally makes sense.



That's why she didn't

want him to know



we were in his office

the other night.



He can't see us here.

Quick, be conspicuous!






No wonder we both

struck out with her.



How can we compete with

the sexual power of the man



who occupies

the highest office in the Iand.



Yeah, he's Iike the Pope, Harry.



Like we're gonna

snake a chick from the Pope.



Here he comes.



Harry, switch.




Jeez, Moses and Mary.



Hey, Iet's go spy on them.



Good thinking, Harry.



- Harry, bobsled!

- Lever!



Hang two!

Harry, go Ieft!



Go Ieft.

Cease and desist!



Cease and desist!



Come on, Harry!

Mush, mush, mush.



Harry, go straight.

Warp speed, Harry. Warp speed!



Is that the best you've got?



Hey, that's my cart.



  It's the eye of the tiger,

it's the thrill of the fight  



  Risin' up to the challenge

of our rivals  



  And the last known survivor

stalks his prey in the night...  



Ice cream?



Are you thinking

what I'm thinking, Harry?



- Oh yeah.

- Snack break!






- Aaah! AII right--

- Harry!



- There they are!

- Break's over!



So what did you tell

my parents on the phone?



Not to expect you




Well, someone's going

to come looking for me.



Oh, I don't think so,

my dear.



  The eye of the tiger.  



I'm going to ask you

one more time.






where's my chest?



I don't know

what you're talking about.



Don't know what I'm

talking about, hmm?



You don't know

what I'm talking about?!



Well, well, well.



What have we here?

It appears to be a tape.



- That's not your tape.

- Don't play with me, dear.



You're way

out of your Ieague.






Harry, LIoyd.



You guys are a mess.



We were still hungry, so we

decided to get some dessert.



- It was fun.

- Yeah.



It was fun until Harry decided

to put his wiener in my ear.



- Sorry about that.

- It's all right.



So it Iooks Iike

the best man won.



Why didn't you tell us

your boyfriend was Principal Collins?









-   You light up my life...  

- Is that my mix tape?



It's being used for your seduction?



I'm flattered.



LIoyd, when we were

in Principal Collins office,



did you see any kind

of chest?



You mean Iike Harry's treasure chest?

Sure, I know where that is.



You found my treasure?

Why didn't you tell me?



Three words-- I did.



You were just all mad at me.

You wouldn't even Iisten.



- Yeah, well, I'm Iistening now.

- Me too.



- This is my favorite part.

- Harry, LIoyd,



Iisten to me, I only have

time to say this once.



God, she's so cute.



Look at her teeth.



I bet she can

bite through anything.



Yeah, she could.



You gotta get what's in the chest,

and make sure everybody...



I wonder what Lloyd's

thinking about.



Look at all that hair.



She must have millions

of tiny holes in her head.



Otherwise, it would just

bunch up all in her brain.



So guys,

are you Iistening to me?



- Yeah, sure!

- Yeah, yeah.



- I was, you know--

- Yeah, sure.



I'm a Pisces.



And that's the sign of the badger.

I love picnics...



You guys gotta go

get that chest,



and show the world

what Collins has been doing.



Don't worry about me. I can

get out of this anytime I want.



And I'm getting the story every

high school reporter dreams of.



Come on, Jessica.



Don't push me,

'cause I'm...



Go, get out of here.



- Gotcha, you--

- Stop!



- What?

- I don't think this is the right thing to do.



Harry, we don't even know

what's in there. You're overreacting.



I don't know

who we are anymore.



You're right.



But I feel Iike I deserve

much more of this treasure



- 'cause I was the one that found it.

- My mom gave me the map.



- But I Iugged it all over town.

- I made the polar bear pants.



- I ate your mom's pie!

- I found that rock!



It was a diamond,

and you swallowed it.



We were all out

of top hats.



Enough! What has

this cursed chest done to us?



You know, LIoyd,



the real treasure

is our friendship.



Yeah, you're right.

On the other hand...






What's all this?




it's full of files.



There's pictures



and documents.



It's amazing!






Hey, LIoyd, this Iooks

Iike one of your mix tapes.



Maybe it's from the pirate

who buried this treasure.



You should go put it on.



Principal's log, September   rd.



Check, check, check.

Sound check.



Hey, it's Principal Collins.



That makes total sense. I found

the treasure chest in his office.



-...grant money...

- This mix tape isn't as good as yours.



- No.

- Sound, check, check, check.



- He speaks pretty good Chinese.

- That's not Chinese.



That's Chinese.



- Yeah.

- Oh yeah.



And that is how l,

Principal Collins,



became the mastermind

behind this glorious plan.



It's the crime

of the century.



He's right. We have committed

the crime of the century.



We never thanked him

for giving us the special needs class!



But what do we do?



I have an idea.



Welcome to

the Providence Hills High School



Thanksgiving parade!



Aren't you glad

you're not watching football?



This year's theme,

white meat or dark?



Floats and exhibits from

all classes and organizations.



So enjoy.



What the hell is that?



What did you morons do?



Where's George Washington?

What do we do with this?



- Looks great, doesn't he?

- No.



What were you guys thinking?



Why'd you give him

a makeover?



Sorry I'm Iate.

Woke up tied to the bed.



Somebody cut my hair

while I was sleeping.



Hey, that's my hair!



It's the marching band's

musical tribute to stuffing.



Please do not throw cigarettes

at the floats.



I've searched everywhere

and no Iuck.



The chest is

still out there.



That's why we get the check

as soon as Zimmer shows up



and blow this pop stand before

anybody finds out anything.



The band

sounds terrible.



I know, I sold all

the wind instruments.



Hawaiian Air,

business class.



- You Iike your new coat?

- I Iove it.



That's why our mascot

isn't a stallion anymore.



- This is horse?

- No, no, no, I sold the horse,



- to pay for the--

- I didn't know horse could feel this soft.



That's not horse, honey.

Yes, yes, it is soft.



So what do you think

of the float?



- Guys, this is much better.

- Yeah.



Principal Collins is

a way greater American



than George Washington

will ever be.



I don't get it.

Why'd you make him a pirate?



I'II tell you why.

You won't believe these documents.



They provide evidence of a Iong history

of fraud and embezzlement



from the school by Principal Collins

and Ms. Heller,



A.K.A. the Iunch Iady.



- Huh?

- My God, can you believe your ears?



Yeah, no clicks

and whistles.



She speaks the English




LIoyd, you're

a great teacher.



Ching Chong, what happened

to your beautiful Asian accent?



Oh, actually my name

is Cindy.



The accent just

helps me meet boys.



You want it back?



You got it, Joe.



Look at this. Collins took $    

that was supposed to go to



a new state-of-the-art

stallion mascot uniform.



Wait, what?

Let me see.



Why have I been wearing this one

with puke in the head?



- You serious?

- Am I-- smell.



We got to tell people

about Collins.



- Hey, Superintendent.

- I'm not sure I can do this.



We got to nail this guy.

You'II be fine.



Just make sure

he takes that check.



Detective, you know,



he's gonna be expecting

Moffitt to be... special.



Don't worry about it. I studied

acting at the police academy.



- Police academy?

- You'II be fine.



Just remember your lines.

It's show time.



- Principal Collins.

- Superintendent Zimmer.



- Hello.

- Hello, hello.



I'd Iike to introduce you

to Richard Moffitt,



former special needs student,

now American success story.



- Well...

- Go ahead.



It's a very great

pleasure to meet you, sir.






very great pleasure.



Well, is that

what I think it is?



Your Iittle gift

for the school?






I drew this.



Special needs.



- Time for french fries now.

- Oh, yes.



But the check will be

presented this morning?



I'm very strong.



Yes, you are.

I have your check right here.



But I think Mr. Moffitt is

interested in seeing



the special needs float first.



I can turn on

all the faucets in my house.



Even the hose.



But we don't drink

from the hose, do we?






There's the special needs float.



Oh, here they come! Wait till you see

what the children have done.






This is visionary.



I think I've finally figured

out a way to bilk this school



out of enough money to get us

that condo in Waikiki.



- Baby, you've done it all.

- Small potatoes.



The Richard Moffitt

special needs grant.



The state is giving

    grand in his name



- to every school that has...

- That sounds Iike you!



Oh my God,

they got the chest.



- You got the extender?

- No.



Nothing they do makes any sense,

which is-- which is--



which is why we created

the special needs class...



You're going down, Collins!



and why we need that check.



He stole the school's money!






Hey, there's Principal Collins!



Please remain seated.



Somebody stop him!



Huh, he's coming back.



Whoa, whoa!



Wow! Go!



Hey, hey!






Check in hand.



AII I wanted

was a condo in Waikiki.



- Watch your hands, piggy!

- Get in the car.



Wow, they get

their own police escort.






AII our hard work pays off.



- Yeah?

- He's going to jail for a Iong time.



Principal of jail?

Wow, that's a promotion.



- Yeah, those inmates are Iucky.

- Yeah.



- Hey, Jessica!

- Hi!



I-- I guess

I'II see you guys Iater.



Oh my God.

She's two-timing Principal Collins.



Yeah, with that complete loser.



- He's probably a jock.

- Jessica, what are you thinking?



Check out those stupid

butt-ugly jeans.



You know what, Harry?

This whole experience



has soured me

on women forever.



Yeah, we should never Iet

a woman come between us again.



That's not going to happen.

We Iearned a very valuable Iesson here.



- We're not ever gonna forget that.

- Yeah.



Excuse us.

You're Harry and LIoyd, right?



- Actually, I'm Harry and he's LIoyd.

- LIoyd.



Well, we're the Felchers.



My name's Freida,

and this is Rita.



- Hi, boys.

- Hi.



We're gonna go check out

the all-girls college.



Do you guys wanna come?



- Sure!

- No, wait, Harry, Harry!



Just a second.

We're just gonna...



Listen, we got to figure out who gets who,

all right? No more competition.



- Right.

- Okay, so... ahem. Pick one.



The one on the Ieft.



- What's wrong?

- That's the one that I wanted.



- No.

- Yeah.



She's one of a kind.



Try one in a million.



What should we do?



- You take her.

- No, I'm not going to do that to you.



It's okay, Harry,

I'II find somebody.



I'm not doing it.




chicks are for fags.



That's a good one, Harry.



I'II handle this.



Yeah. Why don't you go ahead

and go on without us?




What do you mean?



Someday you might meet somebody

as special as my friend Harry up there,



but I doubt it.



Oh and uh...

your Iittle friend over there,



she's-- she's nice too.






Look out, Harry!



Oh, Harry! Oh God, Harry!



Oh God, Harry!






Oh! Oh, that was close,

huh, Harry?



Oh! I got dirt on my shirt.



How gross is this?







Harry? You got to Iook

both ways, buddy.






- Oh my God.

- Hey.



It's you.



You're the guy

that crapped up my house!



What are you--

you're covered in shit!



What are you--

my car's covered in shit!



- No, no, it's not that.

- Oh my God! No, stop!



- What are you doing?!

- Not helping.



- There's shit all over my car!

- Harry, Harry, Iet's go.



What is wrong with you?!



- You okay, buddy?

- Yeah.



- There's poo all over my hood!

- What's up with that guy?



Beat's me.

He's Jessica's dad.



- She says he's really anal.

- Ohh, ooh!



- That's gross.

- I know.



There's shit everywhere!

Hey, come back here!



I'm not cleaning this up!

I'm gonna have to have this towed.



Come back here!

Are you out of your minds?!



What is it with you

and fecal matter?!



Look at this!



Four, tres, two, uno.



That's enough!






- That's enough!

- Aaah!



- CIass dismissed!

- Come on, Harry.



- Lewis!

- SIow, easy boy!



Oh, snaps!






Mrs. D., you sure have

a great Iooking pie.



You put your meat

in my mom's pie.



You're it!

And no tap--



It was him.



Enou-- oh shit,

I'm sorry.



Get back, get back.



- Why are you dressed Iike that?

- 'Cause you said!



- No, Harry, I said,

"Don't dress Iike a queen!"






Get up, get up,

get up, get up!



Uh... so...



you're not in the store, huh?



Yeah, we're closed.

Get outta here.



Actually, we have

something for you.



You're it.



Are we even filming?



Don't you--



don't you snap

at me Iike that.



Don't you snap at me Iike that.

You're Iucky--



Don't you snap

at me Iike--



That is shit!



Oh, God, aaah!







- Harry, LIoyd--

- Cut!



Why've I been...



Okay, back to one.



You want me to say

shit or poo?



Oh my God!








Did you just fart?



Cut it.



  How many words can you

fit inside a suitcase?  



  Packed it so tight

that you couldn't sing a tune  



  You fell down the stairs

'cause you didn't tie your bootlace  



  Given a choice

could you choose?  



  You went for a walk and you

came across a cool place  



  Rested your head

with a vodka by the pool  



  You went for a swim and you

found that you were sinking  



  Don't you know pools

are for fools?  



  Given the choice

could you choose?  



  Groovin' along

all alone in the park  



  Singing a song 'cause you're

afraid of the dark  



  Running away from a world

that can't walk  



  Swinging your hips

so you don't have to talk...  



  Showing your girl

'bout a natural way of living  



  Got bit in the ass

by a tiger at the zoo  



  And when you got home

you just passed out in the kitchen  



  Now you got no one to lose  



  Ran to the store and they

sold you on the future  



  Bit in your lip and you

start to crack a smile  



  Come up with a plan,

but that doesn't really matter 



  When you got no reason why  



  Given a choice could you try?  

Special help by SergeiK