Voila! Finally, the Duplex
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Ben Stiller and Drew
Barrymore. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Duplex. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
NARRATOR: So, you're
finally settling down.
You've saved up
a little nest egg
and are ready to dive into
the real estate market.
Let's do a little
shopping around.
The American dream home.
Two bedrooms, two bathrooms,
one doghouse, one garage,
two garbage cans.
It's cozy, safe,
and just barely within
your overstretched budget.
Not for you?
For the same price,
you can buy acres
of prime Sahara wasteland.
Put up a cottage.
Nothing but you and the sky.
It's like a beach
without the ocean.
And talk about quiet neighbors.
Too remote?
Oh, I understand.
You need the thrill
and excitement of the big city.
With that same nest egg,
you can get a slice
of prime real estate.
Not this real estate.
Cozy and affordable,
this lovely fixer-upper
is the perfect place
for a dynamic couple like you.
No need to putter around
the house.
It's all right there
where you stand.
What's the matter?
Feeling a little cramped?
Well, just a stone's
throw away,
just one bridge
or a tunnel ride,
just outside the big,
bustling city,
there is a place
with wide-open spaces,
friendly natives,
and spacious dwellings.
And it's all within
your price range.
It's almost
too good to be true.
KENNETH:
When I told you
I had a particular building
in mind for you,
this is the one
I was talking about.
It's a historical home
on one of the best blocks
in all of Brooklyn.
- Remember what we talked about.
- I know. Poker face.
Built-ins, built-ins.
Oh, the kitchen's
a little small.
Well, rip out this
awful room divider,
and you've got
an eat-in kitchen.
And over here
you have your library.
Wow.
For your books.
Oh, you like books?
I have a little collection
of first-edition novels.
Alex is a writer.
The parlor.
Oh, my God.
So, this staircase.
This leads to where?
I thought you realized.
This is a duplex.
As in two floors
for the price of one?
I believe it's right there
in the listing sheet.
So, why was it sealed off?
Were there, like, a slew of
murders up there or something?
No, there's just a sweet, little
old lady that lives upstairs.
A tenant?
Mm-hmm.
So, rent control means
we can't kick her out, right?
Alex!
That's a legitimate question.
You cannot evict her.
She has to decide to leave
or, God forbid...
Poor thing hasn't been
feeling well lately.
She's gotta be close
to years old.
Mrs. Connelly?
It may take her a while.
She's hard of hearing.
Mrs. Connelly?
[Footsteps]
[Door unlocks]
[Latch squeaks, slides]
Kenneth.
[Coughs]
There's my favorite girl.
How you feeling today,
Mrs. Connelly?
I don't feel too good, Kenneth.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that,
Mrs. Connelly.
I brought by a young couple that
may want to buy the apartment.
- Hi.
- Hi, Mrs. Connelly.
I'm Nancy Kendricks.
This is my husband, Alex Rose.
Hello.
We were wondering
if we could look around.
[Coughs]
I don't feel up to it.
I'm sorry, dear.
Nice seeing you again, Kenneth.
[Coughing and hacking]
You have a Mommy-and-Me
park over here.
You got shopping that way.
No traffic.
It is ideal.
Here's my card
if you want to make an offer.
There's a lot of heat
on this place.
I'd say it'll be
off the market by Monday.
Adios.
Three fireplaces?
Guys, the place sounds
incredible.
And surprisingly affordable.
It's kind of affordable.
It's really at the high end
of our price range.
But when you factor in
that it's a duplex.
It's a duplex?
Yes.
Oh.
You know, it's Brooklyn,
first of all.
We weren't even thinking
about Brooklyn, so...
Oh, actually, which reminds me.
Did you bring it?
Oh, yeah.
Is this the latest in
the Don Piper mystery series?
Fresh off the presses.
I inscribed this copy
to you guys.
- Oh!
- NANC Y: Coop, thank you.
I am sure it's not
gonna be as brilliant
as your new book, but a couple
decent metaphors in there.
Turn of phrase.
We forgot to tell them
the big news.
Oh, God.
Yes.
What is it?
Go ahead.
We're pregnant.
Wow!
Congratulations.
Congratulations, man.
I'm so happy for you!
You guys must have
just found out.
No. Unh-unh.
I'm four months along. Yeah.
- Four months?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oop!
- Oh, honey.
Stop.
Hello!
I mean, we're not
gonna want to live here
once we start having babies.
And that upstairs would make
the cutest playroom.
Well, I don't want Mrs. Connelly
coughing on my baby.
You know what I mean.
Besides, do you realize how much
the duplex is gonna be worth
once we get both floors?
I know how much it costs.
It's gonna be worth
a bazillion times that.
Really? A bazillion?
That's an incredible return.
Come on, Alex, what better way
to finish your novel
than in your own th-century
oak writer's nook?
It would be nice
not to write at Starbucks
with the other novelists.
Because you deserve
your own nook.
That's my train.
All right.
Let's do it.
Really?
- Yeah.
- Aah!
Oh, this is so wonderful.
We're gonna have a home.
Yeah. All right.
I love you.
I love you!
I could have sworn
we had more stuff.
It's gonna look great.
Mrs. Connelly, it's
Nancy Kendricks and Alex Rose,
from downstairs.
Let me look at you.
Oh!
Hi.
We just wanted to come up
and say hi.
Oh, what a nice surprise.
Come in.
Come in.
Thank you.
Wow.
What an amazing apartment!
Oh, thank you, dear.
Sit down.
We brought you this
little housewarming gift.
That's very kind of you.
Thank you.
I'll open it for you.
I don't drink, myself.
It's a sin.
Irish Catholics don't drink?
[Traditional Irish music
plays]
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm just taking a few
little pictures for research.
CONNELLY: If I knew you
were coming, I'd have tidied up.
Hey, Nancy.
Yeah?
Blow me down!
- Oh!
- What did you say?
- Are you all right?
- Yeah. Oh, God!
I'm coming, slowly but surely.
- I'll just turn off this music.
- Alex! Alex!
[Music stops]
Sit down, dears.
Sit down.
[Squawks]
I've brought you a little
something to nibble on as well.
Oh, Bugles.
Wow.
I didn't realize
they even still made Bugles.
Here you go.
That's a magnificent parrot.
It's not a parrot, dear.
He's a macaw.
He's named after
my late husband, Richard.
I've had Little Dick
for years.
Come along, dear.
Don't be shy.
It's French onion.
Oh.
[Squawks]
Mrs. Connelly,
how are you feeling?
Why do you ask, dear?
Well, because the last time
we saw you, you were quite ill.
Oh, I had a bit of a cold,
but I'm in fine fettle now.
Tell me about yourselves.
What do you do, Alan?
Alex.
Alex is a writer.
Oh, a writer.
Hmm.
I always thought of that as
more of a hobby than a real job.
I suppose I'm forgetting
about Joyce.
Joyce. James Joyce.
Of course.
Wonderful writer.
He died drunk and penniless.
Well, Alex's first novel
was published in hardback,
and he's about
to finish his second one.
Oh, what's it about?
Well, I like to call it
an urban epic.
It's about three generations
of this family
that own a printing press,
and I tell a story.
That's nice.
Let me give you a refill.
Big Dick had the taste, too.
He was a seaman.
The drink took him
from me in .
We'd been married for years.
' .
So, when are you two
planning on having children?
Soon.
Yeah, not for a couple of years.
You sound just like
Mr. Connelly.
We never had any children.
It's too late for me now.
[Clock chimes]
Oh, look at the time.
I had no idea it was so late.
Oh.
The time's rolled on.
We haven't had a chance
to see the apartment.
Oh, dear, I'm afraid
there's no time now.
Really?
We must say good night.
Oh, okay.
[Farting sound]
Oh.
Uh-oh.
Oh, no. That was your...
I think it's your couch.
- I think the chair...
- Alex.
That was a little...
Come along, dears.
Come along.
How could you?
"A macaw. Any long-tailed,
brightly colored parrot."
A macaw is a parrot.
I knew it.
Don't you think that
as landlords,
we have some legal right
to see the back of her apartment
if we want to?
I mean, I'll look it up
on the Internet.
That's what I'll do.
I wonder how old she is.
Oh, my guess is that she's
somewhere between and .
- She looked pretty good tonight.
- Yeah, she did.
She looked kind of healthy.
Yeah.
That's nice.
Yeah.
Hi.
Hello, Mr. Peabody.
[Television blaring]
WOMAN ON TELEVISION:
I saw myself in the mirror,
and I thought it was
my mother's tush.
[Theme from "Hawaii Five-O"
plays]
Mrs. Connelly?
Mrs. Connelly?
CONNELLY:
Oh, yes?
Who is it?
Hi, it's Alex.
I was wondering if you
could turn down your TV,
'cause we can hear it.
Oh, I fell asleep.
I'm sorry.
- That's okay.
- I'll do that.
Okay.
Thank you.
CARTMAN: No, Starvin' Marvin,
that's my potpie.
STAN:
Cartman, you butt-pipe.
This is the time of year
to share.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Are you going to eat
your peach cobbler?
No, you don't want all that.
Why don't you share it with me?
MAN: Everybody's
asking me about fiber.
MAN:
In the next few minutes,
you're going to learn about
an amazing...
[Woody Woodpecker laughing]
WOMAN:
If I want a slimmer waist.
MAN: Use it on carpets. OxiClean
seeks out organic stains.
MAN:
There's no more bald jokes.
[Ringing]
I gotta go. Have a good day.
See you later.
And finish that chapter!
I will.
[Buzzer sounds repeatedly]
- Good morning, Alex.
- Good morning, Mrs. Connelly.
I wanted to give you this back.
I won't drink it,
and I thought you might want it.
Oh, thank you.
That's nice of you.
All right, if there's anything
I can do for you, let me know.
[Buzzer sounds]
There is one thing.
Yeah, I'm sorry,
I don't hear anything.
It was very distinctive.
The pipes went
bang-bang-bangity-bang-bang.
Bang! Bang!
Well, they're not
doing that anymore,
or it stopped,
so, I'll tell you what, though.
If you hear it again,
come get me. I'll take a listen.
Oh, all right then.
It's a deal.
Ooh, Alan, dear boy, I wonder...
- Alex.
- Pardon?
Alex.
My name's Alex.
I know.
No, I think you said "Alan."
Oh, no, I don't think so.
I don't forget names.
Could you give me a hand
with the garbage?
We don't want to be
feeding the mice.
What in heaven's name
are you doing with me drawers?
Now, I would move
the pull quote just a teeny bit
so that you'll have room
to squeeze in the text.
You're such
a good squeezer, Nancy.
That's because, until yesterday,
I lived in an apartment
the size of a small child.
But look at the new place.
Oh, my God!
- Isn't it gorgeous?
- Yes.
There's, like,
this living room/parlor area.
Nancy, did you finish
the "Celebrity Scene" page?
Oh, tickety-boo.
I don't know what that means.
It means you'll have it soon.
Well, if you mean
I'll have it soon,
why don't you say
I'll have it soon?
"Tickety-boo"
is just confusing for everybody.
Oh, Mr. Peabody.
How did that get in there?
Ohh.
Alex?
[Door closes]
Alex?
ALEX:
Hey.
Hi!
Hi.
How was work?
Oh, Herman's freaking out,
as usual.
Were you napping?
No, I was just rearranging
my book collection.
In the dark?
And then I closed my eyes
for a second.
Just to think, and, you know.
Is this dinner?
Mm-hmm.
So, how was your nook?
Did you get, like, five
or six million pages written?
More like five or six words.
Our upstairs neighbor had me
doing chores for her all day.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, you just gotta set
some boundaries.
Just tell her you're working.
She'll understand.
What is that?
Oh, I picked up a few things
on the way home.
It's an area rug.
- Do you love it?
- Yes. How much was it?
It doesn't seem
to cover much of an area.
It was $
or something like that.
I don't really remember.
That was bucks?
Yeah, but, you know,
it's a runner,
'cause it goes in between
the two rooms
and then ties them together.
Ooh, and look!
Look, look, look, look, look!
It's an original Pablo Flinch.
Really? Cool.
Is it, like, a Mayan
guacamole bowl or something?
It's a stool.
Here.
Try it.
What are we, hobbits?
[Metal clanking]
It's a water stain!
I told Mr. Rose the problem
with the pipes this morning.
They were going
bang-bang-bangity-bang-bang.
Bang. Bang.
[Foreign accent]
Yeah, the whole bathroom
could have explode.
bucks.
What time?
- You were here three hours?
- Yeah.
Sweetie, these were
original tiles.
How could you not hear banging?
Sweetie, I was asleep!
Napping, and in the middle
of the afternoon.
Shameful.
I'm not gonna pay
for unauthorized repairs.
I did the work, my friend.
I can rip the pipes
out of the wall.
[Speaking foreign language]
What?
[Speaking foreign language]
I don't know what you're saying.
Do it! Do it!
You do it.
You do it.
- NANC Y: Alex!
- What?
Okay, forget it.
Plug it up.
[Speaking foreign language]
I begged Mr. Rose
to do something.
I was terrified, Nancy.
Okay, well, the next
time that happens,
Mrs. Connelly,
just call me, okay?
I gave you my business card.
Alan, before I forget,
it's the first of the month.
Right.
$ .
Do you want to count it?
Remember, if she bothers you,
just lay down the law.
Be firm, but nice.
Two positives, then a negative.
- What is that?
- Psychology.
Don't wait up for me.
I got to work late.
- I love you.
- I love you.
[Buzzer sounds]
Good morning, Alex.
Good morning, Mrs. Connelly.
I wondered if I could ask you
a quick question.
Right.
You know what?
Can I just say this to you?
You know I'm working
on a book, right?
And this book is due
in about three weeks.
And my editor is expecting it
on her desk at that time, okay?
- It's a contractual deadline.
- I see.
So I have to be working
on that book all the time
here in my apartment,
which is also my office.
It's just like my office.
If I was a lawyer,
and I went off to an office,
you couldn't knock on my door,
'cause you wouldn't be there.
So let's just pretend
that I'm a lawyer, okay?
This is my office,
and unless it's a really, really
super-important emergency, okay,
between the hours
of : and : I'm not here.
I'm off,
away in my office, okay?
And then after :
I'm here, okay?
I completely understand.
And I apologize
for bothering you.
Not at all. Okay,
have a good day, all right?
It's just...
What? What is it just?
What is it?
I bought a copy
of your book yesterday,
and I wondered if you'd sign it.
Of course, if you're too busy,
I can come back
out of business hours.
Oh. No.
That... no.
Oh, that's so nice.
You didn't have to buy a copy.
- I have a million copies.
- It's money well spent.
Just write something that I
can treasure for years to come.
Okay.
How about, "To my favorite
upstairs neighbor"?
Signed "Alex Rose."
Here you go.
And I hope you like it.
Oh, I know I will.
Okay. All right.
Good day.
Alex?
Yeah?
I know we've just had
this discussion,
but I was wondering
if the firm of Rose & Rose
could accompany an old lady
to the pharmacy.
It's pissing down out there.
And I need to renew
my monthlies.
It won't take any time at all.
...
How much is the Nicorette?
$ . .
I lost me place.
One, two, three...
...
...
...
and .
Okay, good?
Oh, blueberries.
...
I thought you
were gonna talk to her.
I did, honey.
I did.
I was very clear with her.
She's just...
She manipulated me somehow.
She manipulated you?
She's very crafty.
She's a crafty old lady.
Well, I'll tell you what.
Tomorrow's gonna be better,
because you know why?
It's gonna be Saturday,
and that's our day off,
and we're gonna get to sleep in.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
I promise everything
will be better tomorrow, okay?
The Love Boat
Soon we'll be making
another run
The Love Boat
[Indistinct shouting]
CONNELLY:
Good morning.
Good morning, Nancy.
This is Nancy Kendricks.
Hello, dear.
Are those musical instruments?
WOMEN:
Yes!
We are a brass ensemble.
We've got a concert
at St. Augustus on Friday.
[Brass instruments playing]
Let's go out shopping.
MAN:
I'll deliver it this afternoon?
Yes, that's great.
Hey, honey, look.
Oh!
Oh, what'd you get?
Remington Royal.
bucks.
How much were
they asking for it?
bucks.
Look, I got a peacock.
Oh.
- Isn't it great?
- Cool.
What does it do?
It's there to be decorative
and pretty
and aesthetically pleasing.
So what do we need a daybed for?
Oh, for all your napping.
Honey, I took one nap
for two minutes.
I didn't even shut my eyes.
Hey, what's in the bag?
Answer to our prayers.
Try it next to that one,
'cause then the couch will go...
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
Wow.
You know what I just realized
that we forgot to do?
We forgot to christen
the apartment.
That's what I was thinking.
Agua de beber
Agua de beber camar
Agua de beber
I love our home.
Aah!
- What was she doing?
- Oh, my God.
I don't know. You think
she saw the whole thing?
Ew!
Hey, where are you going?
Oh, now's my chance.
I got to get up there.
Wait.
What are you gonna do?
The answer to our problems.
- Clap Me.
- What does it do?
When she falls asleep,
we can control her TV.
You be the lookout.
If you hear her coming,
knock on the pipe, okay?
Like, make a noise.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
[Squawks]
Shut up.
Shut up.
[Door opens]
[Door closes]
Hello.
Well, hello, Little Dickey.
I'm back again, aren't I?
Guess what I've got in the bag.
I got hot dogs.
Hot dogs for Dickey boy.
I'll tell you
what I'm going to do.
I'm going to give it
a wee chew meself first.
Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mm. It's so nice, Dickey.
It is.
It's so good.
Mm.
I tell you what.
Shall we have a bit of music?
A bit of music
and a bit of a dance.
I'll put on your favorite,
the tune you like the most.
The one that was
Big Dick's favorite, too.
[The Dubliners'
"Pub with No Beer" plays]
[Chuckling]
There's a-boy.
From your kindred and all
From the campfire at night
We'll hear
the wild dingoes call
But there's nothing
so lonesome
so dull, or so drear
Than to stand in the bar
of a pub with no beer
Now the publican's anxious
[Creaking loudly]
Holy crap!
Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha
- [Knock on door]
- NANC Y: Mrs. Connelly?
With a thrill in my hand
and a pill on my tongue
Dissolve the nerves
that have just begun
Listening to Marvin
All night long
This is the sound
Mrs. Connelly?
Mrs. Connelly?
Nancy?
Is that you?
Mrs. Connelly?
Hold on a sec.
Mrs. Connelly?
Oh, Nancy.
What a nice surprise.
I'll make you some tea.
It's nice to see you here.
We'll have some tea.
Oh!
And biscuits.
Ow! Ooh!
Honey?
Oh!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Are you okay?
What happened to you? You were
supposed to be the lookout.
I know.
I know.
[Music playing on television]
All right, here we go.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
[Music continues]
[Music stops]
You're a genius!
[Connelly claps twice,
music resumes]
[Connelly claps twice,
music stops]
That is so weird.
How would she know that? How
would she know how to use it?
You didn't leave the box
up there or anything, did you?
[Connelly claps twice,
music resumes]
[Connelly claps twice,
music stops]
[Connelly claps twice,
music resumes]
[Connelly claps twice,
music stops]
[Music stops]
[Connelly claps twice,
music resumes]
[Telephone rings]
Nancy Kendricks.
Nancy, Mrs. Connelly.
I have a favor to ask.
Emergency!
Hurry!
Run!
Mrs. Connelly,
you know, honestly,
we're going to print today,
and everything's
just crazy around here.
Can't you ask Alex?
I knocked and knocked.
He must be in
a deep, deep sleep today.
We didn't get it
until this morning.
Nancy! Nancy!
We have minutes
to get this to press.
Get off the phone!
Okay, thank you, Mrs. Connelly.
Where is my new hot list?
Where is it?
I'm almost done.
- seconds!
- Okay. Okay. Okay.
- Okay. Okay.
- Hurry!
This is it?
Yes.
- Did you check it?
- Yes.
I don't want it tickety-boo.
I want it tickety-now!
It's good. It's cute.
I like it.
Is it, like,
square feet?
No, it's, like, .
But it might seem cozy
'cause of the fireplaces.
There are fireplaces.
So, here it is.
The third fireplace.
Wow.
This apartment is amazing.
I'm so glad that you like it.
Whew. Relief.
Wonderful collection.
- Mmm, thank you.
- Yeah.
Just make sure you save space
for the Alex Rose
first editions.
Ah, yes.
So.
So, yeah.
How's the ending turning out?
The ending is gonna be great.
I'm kind of circling it
'cause I don't want to force it.
Just make sure you
turn it in by Wednesday.
Management's being very strict
with all our mid-level authors.
I'm only mid-level?
Right now.
Of course, you won't be after
you hand in your masterpiece.
We're replacing most
of the furniture we have,
but we're going
for a Miller/Eames look.
You love Eames, Terrence.
I just got a new piece.
[Laughter]
Did you bring that guy with
the girl in the leopard thing?
Oh, that's Chick.
That's the guy who's advising me
on the Don Piper mysteries.
What, is he a detective
or something?
No.
He's a hired gun.
He kills people for a living.
You brought a hit man
into the party?
Relax.
He's very discreet.
He's got a perfectly legitimate
day job as a cover.
And what do you do, Chick?
I'm a pornographer.
Here, let me give you a card,
you know, just in case.
She's this funny old Irish lady
named Mrs. Connelly,
and she's actually in a brass
ensemble at the church tonight.
There's all sorts
of incredible details.
I mean, I can't wait
for you guys to see it.
It's beautiful.
Ooh, Herman, get in here.
Herman?
Being a landlord
doesn't give you the right
to enter your tenant's premises
anytime you feel like it.
I just wanted my friends
to have a look-see.
You were supposed to be
at the church performing.
Heavens no.
It's next Friday.
We've got a big week
of practice ahead of us.
You terrified the poor woman.
Mrs. Connelly, you can press
charges if you want.
No, I don't want to do that.
They're such a nice couple.
Good night, now.
Good night, Mrs. Connelly.
I'm gonna be watching
the two of you very closely.
- Hey, Alex, right?
- Hey, Chick.
How you doing?
Brought you a housewarming gift.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Well, look,
this is very tasteful stuff.
You know, for couples.
That is so thoughtful.
Thank you.
My card's inside "Ass Patrol,"
in case you need more.
Take it easy.
- Thanks for the party.
- Okay.
I got an award for this one.
She was supposed to be
at church.
You can't fire me
because you got maced.
Believe me.
I wish that's why
I was firing you.
Did you happen to see
the restaurant hot list?
Oh, my God.
So...
How's Mr. Peabody doing?
Alex?
Oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
There's no napping right now.
You have to finish your book.
We need money. I got fired.
Yeah, I know.
I saw it.
Oh, you saw it.
Yeah. It's horrible.
My parents read this magazine.
Now they know my penis
is called Mr. Peabody.
It wasn't my fault.
She was calling me
when you were napping.
I wasn't napping,
for the th time!
Okay, maybe I took a nap
at one point.
When did napping
become against the law?
Honey, I can't work here. It's
impossible. I've been trying.
I've written three pages
in the last six weeks.
Three pages.
The book is due on Wednesday.
If we don't hand in the book, I
don't know what we're gonna do.
We can't pay for anything.
The runners, the stools.
We can't pay for the
tangelo bowl you like.
We can't pay for your
little happy mug-vase thing.
Well, what if you
got out of the house
and went to write at, like,
a Starbucks or something?
And what? You're gonna stay here
and try to find work
while she has you running around
doing things for her?
Doing all the little errands,
the chores she asks you to do?
I don't think you could take it.
I mean, I love you,
but, honestly,
I've been there, and I don't
think you could take it.
I can take it.
I'll be fine.
[Brass instruments playing]
Nancy?
- Hello, Mrs. Connelly.
- Nancy, dear.
I couldn't help noticing that
Alex left the house this morning
while you stayed home.
I was downsized from my job.
Aw, I'm sorry.
But I'm sure it's for the best.
Let Mr. Rose get out there
and bring home the bacon.
I always thought it was strange.
A husband staying home while
you were out there providing.
Well, he's a writer.
Writer.
The man naps more
than a newborn pup.
What's he writing about?
Sheep?
Is there something,
Mrs. Connelly?
Oh, I guess you could say
there was something.
I've got something on display
in me kitchen.
That is not a mouse dropping.
It's a raisin.
That is the leavings
of a mouse.
It's a raisin.
I sprayed it with Lysol.
Ohh.
And she puts on this sweet face,
and she acts all innocent.
Nancy, could you help me?
I think I found
the leavings of a mouse.
As if she didn't know
it was a raisin.
I know.
I've never designed
religious leaflets, per se.
: . Great, Rabbi.
Thank you so much.
CONNELLY:
Nancy?
Okay.
Nancy?
Nancy?
Are you down there?
What is it, Mrs. Connelly?
Little Dickey's caught
in the dumbwaiter shaft.
Well, how did he get there?
Aaah!
Oh, don't hurt him.
Oh, ooh, Dickey boy.
Oh, careful.
Aah!
Shame on you.
Scaring a helpless,
little macaw like that.
This is not going well.
I told you she's a mean,
crafty old lady.
At this rate, I'm never gonna
finish the book in time.
Damn rent control.
I wish we could just
kick her out.
What if we tried
being nice to her?
Maybe we could get her a gift.
- A gift?
- Yeah.
And ask her if
she wouldn't mind leaving.
- We ask her?
- Yeah.
Just ask her?
Maybe it'll take
a little begging, but nicely.
Well, she might go for begging.
There's a chart that shows
what's inside of each chocolate.
That's all right, dear.
Mrs. Connelly,
let me come right to the point.
Alex and I are trying
to have a baby.
I saw.
In the living room.
Right.
The thing is,
when we do have our baby,
we're gonna need the upstairs.
I don't understand, dear.
We're willing to pay you
something.
You want me to leave?
Don't you think
you'd be more comfortable
with people who are more
in your demographic?
In sunny Miami Beach.
I'm Irish.
I'd sizzle up like a sausage.
Besides, this is my home.
Home.
The Emerald Isle, hmm?
Back to the old sod.
Well, now, there's a thought.
I haven't been back home
for years.
Ooh.
A caramel.
So, about Ireland.
And you moving there.
Most likely
they have television now?
Oh.
Of course they do.
Yeah, color.
I've made up me mind.
I'll do...
[Choking]
Mrs. Connelly!
- She's choking!
- Oh, God!
- Mrs. Connelly.
- Do something!
Oh, God!
Ooh, Alex! Alex!
Come on!
Come on!
- Yeah, good.
- Come on!
Come on!
Whew!
Oh, my God!
Oh!
Clear!
Alex, what are you doing?
CPR!
Wait! Stop it!
Stop it!
Oh, God.
One, two, three, four, five.
Okay, give her mouth-to-mouth.
- Oh, no. Really?
- Yes. Yes, do it!
Okay.
No, you got to blow
in her mouth. Come on.
One breath, come on.
One, two, three, four, five.
Okay, again.
Okay, one breath.
That's it.
One, two, three, four, five.
Again!
Oh.
[Gasps]
What are you doing?
You were choking on a chocolate.
You choked on a chocolate.
Oh.
Oh. Oh.
Go on, Mrs. Connelly.
The last thing I remember,
I ate one of their chocolates.
And when I woke up,
he was having his way.
And she was holding me down.
No, I was trying
to save her life.
He stole me drawers once
for sniffing.
That's ridiculous.
She was choking on the
chocolate, so I did...
Shut up!
We keep a list of people like
you down here at the station.
The sexual predator list.
Sexual predator?
And to think
they want to have children.
We should've just let her choke.
Oh, I know.
What can I get you?
Listen, I got hours
to finish this book.
I was wondering if I could
sit here and write all day.
- Be my guest.
- Thanks.
CONNELLY:
Nancy.
I was going to ring you.
I'm afraid there's a bit
of a problem up here.
I have to go on a job interview,
so I'll take care of it later.
Oh, that's okay.
I'll ring the rug man.
Good.
Knock it in.
Knock it in good.
I don't want to slip
and break me neck.
No, we wouldn't want that.
This is the problem area here.
It's loose as a Dublin whore.
Oh, go on, knock it in.
Yes!
Now, just knock it in.
Go on, knock.
Come on, use some elbow grease.
Aah!
Okay, I will.
You threw her down the stairs?
No.
But I imagined it.
And I liked it.
I'm evil.
I'm a horrible, horrible person.
Thank you.
Come on, she's practically
ruined our lives.
It's natural to have thoughts
like that.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean, I've even had a couple.
Aaaah!
NANC Y:
Like what?
Just, you know,
snapping her neck
or electrocuting her.
You know,
just beating her to death,
decapitating her,
drowning her, just,
you know, bludgeoning her,
in a humane way, but...
Dicing her up
into little, little pieces.
But asphyxiating her first
so she didn't feel anything.
I'm glad you clarified that.
You're evil, too.
I'm finished.
That's what I am.
And it was incredible.
The last pages
just poured out of me.
Let's open that really great
champagne and celebrate.
CONNELLY:
Alex?!
Alex?!
Nancy?!
[Panting]
Ooh!
Come quick.
A huge rat just ran
under me cupboard.
Oh, come.
Come on, quick.
Quick, Alex!
- I'll pop the cork.
- I'll be right back.
Are you sure it was a rat,
Mrs. Connelly?
I saw its face.
You saw its face?
All right, let's see if we can't
find this big, bad rat.
You sure it might not
have been a dust bunny?
'Cause sometimes
they look rodent-like.
Aah!
The rat!
- Where?
- There!
Oh.
Oh, that's not a rat.
That's like
a little field mouse.
Alan!
Your purse fell into the fire.
Oh, no.
Alan!
Oh, don't!
Oh, don't!
My book!
Ow!
Oh, Alan!
Oh!
Oh!
You'll burn yourself!
Door!
Nancy, door!
Get the door!
Nancy, door!
Is that your book?
Okay.
Oh!
- Door!
- Okay! Oh, my God!
Oh!
No!
No!
- No! No! No!
- Alex!
Stop!
No, stop!
Aah!
No!
No!
I swear she did that on purpose.
MAN ON TELEVISION: And now
here's tonight's Health Watch.
WOMAN ON TELEVISION: A deadly
virus has hit New York City.
Doctors warn that this
particular strain
is extremely dangerous
in children under
and especially to the elderly.
Symptoms include high fever,
accompanied by nausea
and violent diarrhea.
accompanied by nausea
and violent diarrhea.
Mr. Rose?
Would you sprinkle some salt
on the steps?
They're terribly icy.
You better not go outside then.
Ow!
Ow!
Mother...
A giant tow truck
runs it over,
followed by an S.U.V.
that it was dragging.
Alex, that's horrible.
I know.
I know.
Can you believe it?
No, I can't.
I tried to warn you, Alex.
We're canceling every contract
that's in breach.
In breach?
I have the crushed PowerBook.
I'm sorry, darling.
If you put as much energy
into your work
as you do into excuses,
you might have made
the deadline.
- Do you have the shark?
- MAN: Yes, we do.
Excellent.
I'm gonna have that, no bones.
[Man coughing]
[Sniffling]
[Coughing]
Hi.
How do you feel?
Like I'm knocking
on death's door.
Well, look who's here.
Come in, both of you.
Hi, Mrs. Connelly.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Oh, thank you.
- How are you?
- Oh, I'm grand.
But how are the two of you?
You look rather sallow.
No, no.
We're fine.
We brought you some popcorn.
Oh.
Oh, how lovely.
I adore popcorn.
So does Little Dick.
So, did you have a nice
Thanksgiving dinner?
Oh, yes, dear.
That lovely Italian lady
in the post office
brought me a sumptuous dinner.
The only problem is
some of the carcass
didn't go down the disposal.
That's 'cause you don't have
a disposal.
I don't?
It's really stuffed up.
[Gags]
[Coughing]
All right!
If you ask me, you two have got
some sort of bug.
[Groans]
[Groans]
Thank God Officer Dan took me
to have a flu shot last week.
Upchuck is a delicacy
for Little Dick.
He's salivating.
How much can we get, Kenneth?
That depends on how far you're
willing to drop the price.
First of all, you way overpaid.
And then you got that tenant.
You said
she was a sweet old lady.
Oh, I can't imagine those words
coming out of my mouth.
So you're saying that we're
stuck in this hellhole?
Yeah. Unless you're willing
to take a huge, huge loss.
How huge?
Huge, huge.
We're just totally
screwed, right?
Yeah. I would say
screwed is apt.
Do you think that Jean would
ever give you a second chance?
No.
No, it's over.
Besides, how could I have time
to rewrite my novel
and still do my faithful
servant duty to her
as her little
indentured servant person,
her little butt boy?
I mean, I got a lot of duties.
'Cause she might need me
to count grapes with her
or help her fix her heater
or go take her to the laundry.
Or I gotta go help her
clean her banana skins
and I gotta go help her
clean out her garbage
or go and wipe her ass!
God forbid she should have
any shit hanging off her ass!
- Alex.
- No. Really.
'Cause then I gotta run
like a little bunny
and I have to go up there and
I gotta go wipe her little ass.
And then I have to go, "Oh,
good for you, Mrs. Connelly,
for having such a nice,
little poopy.
You got some poopy
on your diapie?
Ooh, let me go and clean it off
with my tongue!"
Excuse me, sir.
I mean, enough is enough!
Excuse me.
Off we go, Dickey boy.
Okay.
Okay, come on.
We don't have that much time.
I know.
She's running errands.
That only gives us hours.
You, there.
Me, there.
A little salt in her sugar bowl.
Hey, come check this out!
Roger.
Alex?
Tripped on the rug.
I'm all right.
You sure you know
what you're doing?
I rewired the lamp
in your office.
Cool. 'Cause if the shock
doesn't get her,
a little bit
of gas poisoning should.
[Exhales sharply]
Out goes pilot one.
Out goes pilot two.
An hour at ought to do it.
Did you remember to blow out
the pilot for the oven?
Oh.
Honey.
[Explosion]
[Electricity crackling]
Alex.
The stain is dripping on us.
I know.
Isn't it soothing?
- Alex.
- Hi.
We got a water stain downstairs,
so I got to look at the pipes.
What has happened to your face?
Oh, I just fell asleep in one
of those tanning machines.
You look like a roast mutton.
How are you doing, mutton head?
I'm almost done.
Ah!
On the average,
she gets up to change
the channel times a night
walking this -inch footpath.
By the time she gets
to the back end
of that "Hawaii Five-O"
marathon,
the acid should have eaten
through the floorboards.
And we'll finally be happy.
It wasn't our fault,
Officer Dan.
You should find the plumber.
- Right?
- Right.
[Both laughing]
You know, we might want to get
a hotel room just in case.
Sweetie, now that we have a hole
in the ceiling,
I thought maybe it could be
a new place
for the staircase to go.
Yeah.
Looks good.
Where are you going?
A little insurance.
Alex, no!
Not Mr. Peacock.
Honey, Mr. Peacock's gonna have
to take one for the team, okay?
[Footsteps]
[Creaking]
[People speaking
foreign languages]
That's it.
She's watching "Riverdance."
I didn't know people still
watched "Riverdance."
[Irish music plays]
You know, this is actually
harder than it looks.
[Screaming]
Holy Mary and Joseph!
I could have fallen
right through.
The floorboards here,
they're rotten to the core.
Awhile back she hired this
Russian guy to fix the pipes.
And I don't know
if you noticed,
but there's all this
water damage that he left.
With all due respect
to Mr. "D", Alex,
you were up here yourself
fiddling with me pipes
a few days ago.
Fiddling with her pipes, huh?
Now, that's another fine
right there.
For what?
You can't plumb without
a license in New York City.
Plumb?
I can't plumb?
Are you sassing me, Mr. Rose?
He's not sassing you.
Yeah, no, I'm not sassing you.
I'm not.
I didn't think so.
'Cause I know
a city building inspector
that eats chickenshit slumlords
like you for lunch.
You got it?
I get it.
You know, slumlord...
And you're gonna buy
Miss Connelly a brand-new TV.
In fact, Miss Connelly,
I'm gonna pick it out myself.
Oh! Could you get one of
those clappy things?
It makes my viewing
so much easier.
Smoke.
Smoke, smoke.
Mesca.
Loot, loot.
Gun?
What?
Gun.
Gun?
Gun?
So this is what it's come to?
I guess so.
I don't think
I've ever held a gun be...
I think I've got everything
I need here.
We've got an unlicensed
gun charge,
and then pending
an investigation...
It was an accident.
It's my experience
that wives don't accidently
shoot their husbands
in the penis.
And as much as this particular
man might deserve it,
spousal abuse is a very serious
crime in this state.
You two have a good night now.
He thinks you're abusing me.
Well, you did shoot me.
[Curtain opens]
You're very lucky.
Your hand deflected the bullet
away from the tissue
of the actual organ
and just nicked the scrotum.
What about the,
you know, the berries?
["Sexual Healing" plays]
Oh.
Wake up, wake up,
wake up, wake up
Oh, baby, now,
let's get down tonight
You feel that?
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
- That's good.
- [Music stops]
Okay. I'm gonna run
a few more tests,
but I think you should be
out of here by tomorrow.
Poor Mr. Peabody.
He took one for the team.
I just think that we're going
about this murder thing
all wrong.
You think?!
Maybe we should just
keep it simple.
This is so not simple.
Yeah, but you know
she triple chain-Iocks
the front door at night.
A little more,
a little more. Okay.
Where is she?
Maybe she's in her chair.
You caught me.
I can't help but sneak a fag
once in a blue moon.
We...
We thought
that you might be cold,
so we brought you
an extra pillow.
Oh, such consideration.
So unlike the other landlords.
Many have passed
through the dwelling below,
but I just know
you two have come to stay.
Officer Dan put in
me new television.
inches.
And he gave me
these noise boxes,
there and by me chair.
So it's like I'm in the cinema.
Oh, it's going to be
so wonderful here.
You two lovelies...
me...
Officer Dan.
We're going to be
one big, happy family.
The Irish have a saying
that it's unlucky to come in
one door and go out of another.
Something to do with the dead.
Evil spirits and the like.
Good night now.
Do you know what, dears?
I think I've enough warmth
as it is.
Night.
That was, without question,
the weirdest minutes
of my life.
[Claps twice,
television blaring]
[Screaming]
Captain Connelly battled waves
twice the size of that!
Didn't he, Little Dick?
[Rumbling]
[Man on television shouting]
We're just gonna be one big,
happy family!
[Laughing]
What?!
Is it us?!
Are we doing such a bad job
of trying to kill her?!
It's not our fault!
She's a freak of nature!
Hey! I thought you were supposed
to get rid of these.
I did!
It's strange.
I don't know how that got there.
Yeah, right.
"Ass Patrol"!
Hand me that "Ass Patrol."
Now, depending on her mood,
she could be watching TV
over here
or sneaking a cigarette
over there.
I realize this is
just horribly cluttered.
When we get in there, we're
gonna go for a cleaner look.
It's...
Sorry.
What's the easiest way
into this hag's place?
Well, we found the dumbwaiter
to be rather effective.
Yeah, and you really don't have
to pull that hard to climb it.
You know, we could even leave
the back door open for you.
So, Chick, how much is this
gonna set us back?
K.
O... ... Okay.
'Cause we had had
a slightly different figure
in our heads.
We were thinking maybe something
a little closer to, like...
half a "K."
The bottom-line price
for wet work is $ .
Okay.
When do you think
you could do it?
I'll do it Thursday night.
- Christmas Eve?
- Yeah.
I got a little function.
Then I'll swing by.
Put the cash in the dumbwaiter.
- Got it?
- Got it.
- Okay.
- Cool.
Don't forget your computer.
Thank you so much.
Good night.
Okay, now all we need
is $ .
"Piper grabbed the leash of the
only partner he'd ever known,
"Piper grabbed the leash of the
only partner he'd ever known,
and the private eye and his
Jack Russell headed downtown.
'I guess it's just one of those
things worth killing for, huh?"'
WOMAN: We'll take a break
and come back for some Q&A.
Dental surgery.
$ ?!
The thing is,
with Nancy losing her job,
and with the mortgage and now
with me losing my book contract,
things have gotten desperate,
and I wouldn't even be asking
if it wasn't serious.
[Footsteps]
[Door slams]
Did you get the money?
No. He didn't think
I needed it.
But I did get a nice,
new, signed first edition
for my collection.
He wrote it in days.
Want to know how?
Listen to this.
Let's see.
"Her hair was bright yellow
like the color of your pee
after you take a multivitamin."
It's a nice metaphor, asshole!
Stupid, freaking asshole!
I hate you and your stupid
Don Piper mystery
and your stupid pregnant wife
who's gonna have a little baby
that has a freaking six-pack
because its mother never eats!
Honey.
Honey, we're gonna get
that money.
How?
How are we gonna get $
in two days?
["It's Beginning to Look
Like Christmas" plays]
It's beginning to look
a lot like Christmas
No.
Not Mr. Peacock.
Take a look
in the five-and-ten
Glistening once again
With candy canes
and silver lanes aglow
It's beginning to look
a lot like Christmas
Christmas
Toys in every store
Ooh
But the prettiest sight
to see
Is the holly that will be
On your own front door
[Hinges creaking]
[Zipper zips]
[Buzzer sounds]
CHILDREN: Jingle bells,
jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh,
hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun
it is to ride...
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun
it is to ride...
ALL:
Merry Christmas!
That's good, kids.
That is good.
Now, you save those voices
for the neighbors, okay?
Officer Dan,
what a pleasant surprise.
What can we do for you?
I have cookies
I want to take to Miss Connelly.
Oh, okay.
Oh, that's nice.
No.
I'll take them up myself.
I'll bring them up for you.
If you don't mind...
I don't...
I don't think she's even
up there.
She's not, so you should just
leave it at the door.
[Snoring]
Hey!
Cut that out.
Stop it.
Hey!
Stop it!
What the heck is going on?
There are kids here.
I knew there was domestic abuse
in this house.
I'm gonna come back
in minutes.
Come on, kids.
Let's go.
Good save.
[Little Dick squawks]
I knew they'd send a brute.
[Screaming]
Aah!
You shot me!
I've got you, you brute!
Who are ya, bringing a knife
to a gunfight?
Let go of me!
What's he doing?
He's doing his job.
If you want to dance with me,
you've gotta buy me
a drink first.
Is that smoke?!
Get off me, you crazy bitch!
[Squawking]
[Coughing]
Wait, wait.
What?
What?
Here we go.
You all right?
Yeah.
Where's Little Dickey?
Dickey, Dickey.
Here you go.
Here, here.
Oh, Dick.
[Siren wailing]
Dickey.
Hello.
Never thought you had it in you.
Thank God I bought
that fire extinguisher.
We were just
trying to help her out.
Her and Little Dickey.
I'll just write this citation up
for electricity.
Thank you.
Thanks.
KENNETH: Believe it or not,
I need two more autographs,
and that will be it.
- So how's the new place?
- It's cute.
I'll tell you, the Bronx
is an up-and-coming borough.
You didn't lie, Kenneth.
It all looks incredible.
I told you they'd fix it up,
didn't I?
Friedmans, meet Alex and Nancy.
- Hi.
- Hey.
We can't thank you enough.
This is just a dream house.
It's so quiet.
Honey, won't this be perfect
for your sleep disorder?
I'm drowsy already.
Hey, who wants to run upstairs
and say hello?
Well, we should get going.
We should.
We have to...
Yeah.
Nonsense!
You pulled the woman
out of a burning building.
You'd break her heart
if you didn't say goodbye.
Come on!
Mrs. Connelly,
I brought you a surprise!
Mrs. Connelly!!
The hearing on this one.
Look who's here.
She's asleep.
Sweetheart.
She's stiff as a board.
No.
She's just hard-of-hearing.
Mrs. Connelly!
["Hawaii Five-O" theme plays]
She's dead.
Oh, poor thing.
No.
She can't be dead.
I guess it was just her time.
Come on, I'll call
the Friedmans.
You don't have to stay here
for this.
Come.
Come, come, come.
Must have been
all the excitement.
I can't believe it.
She was so full of life.
I mean, for all our differences,
that old lady really had
a lot of spunk.
A lot of it.
Do you think she's up in heaven?
Well, I'll tell you something.
Wherever she is,
she's in a better place.
You should have seen their faces
when I said she was a goner.
So cheap, though I wish
I could have been there.
Trust me.
It wasn't easy holding
me breath all that long.
Next time, I want a bigger cut
of your commission, Kenny.
What are you talking about?
We give you everything, Ma.
There's barely enough left
for Danny and I to have
a cruise to the Caribbean.
I'm the one putting
me caboose on the line.
Oh, come on.
You had it easy
with Alex and Nancy.
They were a nice couple.
I do hope they'll be all right.
Ah, they'll be fine.
He's a writer.
They thrive on adversity.
I hope his next book is better
than his last one.
Maybe this time he'll write
about something he knows.
NARRATOR:
Alex and Nancy's dream house
may have been
too good to be true.
But did they live
happily ever after?
Well, read the book.
[Claps twice]