Duplex Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Duplex script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Ben Stiller and Drew Barrymore.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Duplex. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Duplex Script



NARRATOR: So, you're

finally settling down.



You've saved up

a little nest egg



and are ready to dive into

the real estate market.



Let's do a little

shopping around.



The American dream home.



Two bedrooms, two bathrooms,



one doghouse, one garage,

two garbage cans.



It's cozy, safe,



and just barely within

your overstretched budget.



Not for you?



For the same price,

you can buy        acres



of prime Sahara wasteland.



Put up a cottage.

Nothing but you and the sky.



It's like a beach

without the ocean.



And talk about quiet neighbors.



Too remote?

Oh, I understand.



You need the thrill

and excitement of the big city.



With that same nest egg,



you can get a slice

of prime real estate.



Not this real estate.



Cozy and affordable,



this lovely fixer-upper

is the perfect place



for a dynamic couple like you.



No need to putter around

the house.



It's all right there

where you stand.



What's the matter?

Feeling a little cramped?



Well, just a stone's

throw away,



just one bridge

or a tunnel ride,



just outside the big,

bustling city,



there is a place

with wide-open spaces,



friendly natives,

and spacious dwellings.



And it's all within

your price range.



It's almost

too good to be true.




When I told you



I had a particular building

in mind for you,



this is the one

I was talking about.



It's a historical home

on one of the best blocks



in all of Brooklyn.



- Remember what we talked about.

- I know. Poker face.



Built-ins, built-ins.



Oh, the kitchen's

a little small.



Well, rip out this

awful room divider,



and you've got

an eat-in kitchen.



And over here

you have your library.






For your books.



Oh, you like books?



I have a little collection

of first-edition novels.



Alex is a writer.



The parlor.



Oh, my God.



So, this staircase.

This leads to where?



I thought you realized.

This is a duplex.



As in two floors

for the price of one?



I believe it's right there

in the listing sheet.



So, why was it sealed off?



Were there, like, a slew of

murders up there or something?



No, there's just a sweet, little

old lady that lives upstairs.



A tenant?






So, rent control means

we can't kick her out, right?






That's a legitimate question.

You cannot evict her.



She has to decide to leave

or, God forbid...



Poor thing hasn't been

feeling well lately.



She's gotta be close

to     years old.



Mrs. Connelly?



It may take her a while.

She's hard of hearing.



Mrs. Connelly?






[Door unlocks]



[Latch squeaks, slides]







There's my favorite girl.



How you feeling today,

Mrs. Connelly?



I don't feel too good, Kenneth.



Oh, I'm sorry to hear that,

Mrs. Connelly.



I brought by a young couple that

may want to buy the apartment.



- Hi.

- Hi, Mrs. Connelly.



I'm Nancy Kendricks.



This is my husband, Alex Rose.






We were wondering

if we could look around.




I don't feel up to it.



I'm sorry, dear.



Nice seeing you again, Kenneth.



[Coughing and hacking]



You have a Mommy-and-Me

park over here.



You got shopping that way.



No traffic.

It is ideal.



Here's my card

if you want to make an offer.



There's a lot of heat

on this place.



I'd say it'll be

off the market by Monday.






Three fireplaces?



Guys, the place sounds




And surprisingly affordable.



It's kind of affordable.



It's really at the high end

of our price range.



But when you factor in

that it's a duplex.



It's a duplex?









You know, it's Brooklyn,

first of all.



We weren't even thinking

about Brooklyn, so...



Oh, actually, which reminds me.

Did you bring it?



Oh, yeah.



Is this the latest in

the Don Piper mystery series?



Fresh off the presses.



I inscribed this copy

to you guys.



- Oh!

- NANC Y: Coop, thank you.



I am sure it's not

gonna be as brilliant



as your new book, but a couple

decent metaphors in there.



Turn of phrase.



We forgot to tell them

the big news.



Oh, God.




What is it?



Go ahead.



We're pregnant.









Congratulations, man.



I'm so happy for you!



You guys must have

just found out.



No. Unh-unh.

I'm four months along. Yeah.



- Four months?

- Mm-hmm.



- Oop!

- Oh, honey.









I mean, we're not

gonna want to live here



once we start having babies.



And that upstairs would make

the cutest playroom.



Well, I don't want Mrs. Connelly

coughing on my baby.



You know what I mean.



Besides, do you realize how much

the duplex is gonna be worth



once we get both floors?



I know how much it costs.



It's gonna be worth

a bazillion times that.



Really? A bazillion?

That's an incredible return.



Come on, Alex, what better way

to finish your novel



than in your own   th-century

oak writer's nook?



It would be nice

not to write at Starbucks



with the other novelists.



Because you deserve

your own nook.



That's my train.



All right.

Let's do it.






- Yeah.

- Aah!



Oh, this is so wonderful.

We're gonna have a home.



Yeah. All right.

I love you.



I love you!



I could have sworn

we had more stuff.



It's gonna look great.



Mrs. Connelly, it's

Nancy Kendricks and Alex Rose,



from downstairs.



Let me look at you.









We just wanted to come up

and say hi.



Oh, what a nice surprise.



Come in.

Come in.



Thank you.






What an amazing apartment!



Oh, thank you, dear.

Sit down.



We brought you this

little housewarming gift.



That's very kind of you.

Thank you.



I'll open it for you.

I don't drink, myself.



It's a sin.



Irish Catholics don't drink?



[Traditional Irish music




What are you doing?



Oh, I'm just taking a few

little pictures for research.



CONNELLY: If I knew you

were coming, I'd have tidied up.



Hey, Nancy.






Blow me down!



- Oh!

- What did you say?



- Are you all right?

- Yeah. Oh, God!



I'm coming, slowly but surely.



- I'll just turn off this music.

- Alex! Alex!



[Music stops]



Sit down, dears.

Sit down.






I've brought you a little

something to nibble on as well.



Oh, Bugles.




I didn't realize

they even still made Bugles.



Here you go.



That's a magnificent parrot.



It's not a parrot, dear.

He's a macaw.



He's named after

my late husband, Richard.



I've had Little Dick

for    years.



Come along, dear.

Don't be shy.



It's French onion.









Mrs. Connelly,

how are you feeling?



Why do you ask, dear?



Well, because the last time

we saw you, you were quite ill.



Oh, I had a bit of a cold,

but I'm in fine fettle now.



Tell me about yourselves.



What do you do, Alan?






Alex is a writer.



Oh, a writer.




I always thought of that as

more of a hobby than a real job.



I suppose I'm forgetting

about Joyce.



Joyce. James Joyce.

Of course.



Wonderful writer.



He died drunk and penniless.



Well, Alex's first novel

was published in hardback,



and he's about

to finish his second one.



Oh, what's it about?



Well, I like to call it

an urban epic.



It's about three generations

of this family



that own a printing press,

and I tell a story.



That's nice.

Let me give you a refill.



Big Dick had the taste, too.



He was a seaman.



The drink took him

from me in     .



We'd been married for    years.



'  .



So, when are you two

planning on having children?






Yeah, not for a couple of years.



You sound just like

Mr. Connelly.



We never had any children.



It's too late for me now.



[Clock chimes]



Oh, look at the time.



I had no idea it was so late.






The time's rolled on.



We haven't had a chance

to see the apartment.



Oh, dear, I'm afraid

there's no time now.






We must say good night.



Oh, okay.



[Farting sound]









Oh, no. That was your...

I think it's your couch.



- I think the chair...

- Alex.



That was a little...



Come along, dears.

Come along.



How could you?



"A macaw. Any long-tailed,

brightly colored parrot."



A macaw is a parrot.

I knew it.



Don't you think that

as landlords,



we have some legal right



to see the back of her apartment

if we want to?



I mean, I'll look it up

on the Internet.



That's what I'll do.



I wonder how old she is.



Oh, my guess is that she's

somewhere between    and    .



- She looked pretty good tonight.

- Yeah, she did.



She looked kind of healthy.






That's nice.









Hello, Mr. Peabody.



[Television blaring]




I saw myself in the mirror,



and I thought it was

my mother's tush.



[Theme from "Hawaii Five-O"




Mrs. Connelly?



Mrs. Connelly?




Oh, yes?



Who is it?



Hi, it's Alex.



I was wondering if you

could turn down your TV,



'cause we can hear it.



Oh, I fell asleep.

I'm sorry.



- That's okay.

- I'll do that.




Thank you.



CARTMAN: No, Starvin' Marvin,

that's my potpie.




Cartman, you butt-pipe.



This is the time of year

to share.



Oh, yeah, you're right.



Are you going to eat

your peach cobbler?



No, you don't want all that.

Why don't you share it with me?



MAN: Everybody's

asking me about fiber.




In the next few minutes,



you're going to learn about

an amazing...



[Woody Woodpecker laughing]




If I want a slimmer waist.



MAN: Use it on carpets. OxiClean

seeks out organic stains.




There's no more bald jokes.






I gotta go. Have a good day.

See you later.



And finish that chapter!



I will.



[Buzzer sounds repeatedly]



- Good morning, Alex.

- Good morning, Mrs. Connelly.



I wanted to give you this back.



I won't drink it,

and I thought you might want it.



Oh, thank you.

That's nice of you.



All right, if there's anything

I can do for you, let me know.



[Buzzer sounds]



There is one thing.



Yeah, I'm sorry,

I don't hear anything.



It was very distinctive.



The pipes went




Bang! Bang!



Well, they're not

doing that anymore,



or it stopped,

so, I'll tell you what, though.



If you hear it again,

come get me. I'll take a listen.



Oh, all right then.

It's a deal.



Ooh, Alan, dear boy, I wonder...



- Alex.

- Pardon?




My name's Alex.



I know.



No, I think you said "Alan."



Oh, no, I don't think so.



I don't forget names.



Could you give me a hand

with the garbage?



We don't want to be

feeding the mice.



What in heaven's name

are you doing with me drawers?



Now, I would move

the pull quote just a teeny bit



so that you'll have room

to squeeze in the text.



You're such

a good squeezer, Nancy.



That's because, until yesterday,



I lived in an apartment

the size of a small child.



But look at the new place.



Oh, my God!



- Isn't it gorgeous?

- Yes.



There's, like,

this living room/parlor area.



Nancy, did you finish

the "Celebrity Scene" page?



Oh, tickety-boo.



I don't know what that means.



It means you'll have it soon.



Well, if you mean

I'll have it soon,



why don't you say

I'll have it soon?




is just confusing for everybody.



Oh, Mr. Peabody.

How did that get in there?









[Door closes]














How was work?



Oh, Herman's freaking out,

as usual.



Were you napping?



No, I was just rearranging

my book collection.



In the dark?



And then I closed my eyes

for a second.



Just to think, and, you know.

Is this dinner?




So, how was your nook?



Did you get, like, five

or six million pages written?



More like five or six words.



Our upstairs neighbor had me

doing chores for her all day.









Well, you just gotta set

some boundaries.



Just tell her you're working.

She'll understand.



What is that?



Oh, I picked up a few things

on the way home.



It's an area rug.



- Do you love it?

- Yes. How much was it?



It doesn't seem

to cover much of an area.



It was $   

or something like that.



I don't really remember.



That was     bucks?



Yeah, but, you know,

it's a runner,



'cause it goes in between

the two rooms



and then ties them together.



Ooh, and look!

Look, look, look, look, look!



It's an original Pablo Flinch.



Really? Cool.



Is it, like, a Mayan

guacamole bowl or something?



It's a stool.






Try it.



What are we, hobbits?



[Metal clanking]



It's a water stain!



I told Mr. Rose the problem

with the pipes this morning.



They were going




Bang. Bang.



[Foreign accent]

Yeah, the whole bathroom



could have explode.






What time?



- You were here three hours?

- Yeah.



Sweetie, these were

original tiles.



How could you not hear banging?



Sweetie, I was asleep!



Napping, and in the middle

of the afternoon.






I'm not gonna pay

for unauthorized repairs.



I did the work, my friend.



I can rip the pipes

out of the wall.



[Speaking foreign language]






[Speaking foreign language]



I don't know what you're saying.



Do it! Do it!



You do it.

You do it.



- NANC Y: Alex!

- What?



Okay, forget it.

Plug it up.



[Speaking foreign language]



I begged Mr. Rose

to do something.



I was terrified, Nancy.



Okay, well, the next

time that happens,



Mrs. Connelly,

just call me, okay?



I gave you my business card.



Alan, before I forget,

it's the first of the month.






$  .



Do you want to count it?



Remember, if she bothers you,

just lay down the law.



Be firm, but nice.

Two positives, then a negative.



- What is that?

- Psychology.



Don't wait up for me.

I got to work late.



- I love you.

- I love you.



[Buzzer sounds]



Good morning, Alex.



Good morning, Mrs. Connelly.



I wondered if I could ask you

a quick question.




You know what?



Can I just say this to you?



You know I'm working

on a book, right?



And this book is due

in about three weeks.



And my editor is expecting it

on her desk at that time, okay?



- It's a contractual deadline.

- I see.



So I have to be working

on that book all the time



here in my apartment,

which is also my office.



It's just like my office.



If I was a lawyer,

and I went off to an office,



you couldn't knock on my door,

'cause you wouldn't be there.



So let's just pretend

that I'm a lawyer, okay?



This is my office,



and unless it's a really, really

super-important emergency, okay,



between the hours

of  :   and  :   I'm not here.



I'm off,

away in my office, okay?



And then after  :  

I'm here, okay?



I completely understand.



And I apologize

for bothering you.



Not at all. Okay,

have a good day, all right?



It's just...



What? What is it just?

What is it?



I bought a copy

of your book yesterday,



and I wondered if you'd sign it.



Of course, if you're too busy,



I can come back

out of business hours.



Oh. No.

That... no.



Oh, that's so nice.

You didn't have to buy a copy.



- I have a million copies.

- It's money well spent.



Just write something that I

can treasure for years to come.






How about, "To my favorite

upstairs neighbor"?



Signed "Alex Rose."



Here you go.

And I hope you like it.



Oh, I know I will.



Okay. All right.

Good day.









I know we've just had

this discussion,



but I was wondering

if the firm of Rose & Rose



could accompany an old lady

to the pharmacy.



It's pissing down out there.



And I need to renew

my monthlies.



It won't take any time at all.






How much is the Nicorette?



$  .  .



I lost me place.



One, two, three...












               and   .



Okay, good?



Oh, blueberries.






I thought you

were gonna talk to her.



I did, honey.

I did.



I was very clear with her.

She's just...



She manipulated me somehow.



She manipulated you?



She's very crafty.



She's a crafty old lady.



Well, I'll tell you what.



Tomorrow's gonna be better,

because you know why?



It's gonna be Saturday,

and that's our day off,



and we're gonna get to sleep in.



- Okay?

- Yeah.



I promise everything

will be better tomorrow, okay?



The Love Boat



Soon we'll be making

another run



The Love Boat



[Indistinct shouting]




Good morning.



Good morning, Nancy.



This is Nancy Kendricks.



Hello, dear.



Are those musical instruments?







We are a brass ensemble.



We've got a concert

at St. Augustus on Friday.



[Brass instruments playing]



Let's go out shopping.




I'll deliver it this afternoon?



Yes, that's great.



Hey, honey, look.




Oh, what'd you get?



Remington Royal.




How much were

they asking for it?






Look, I got a peacock.






- Isn't it great?

- Cool.



What does it do?



It's there to be decorative

and pretty



and aesthetically pleasing.



So what do we need a daybed for?



Oh, for all your napping.



Honey, I took one nap

for two minutes.



I didn't even shut my eyes.



Hey, what's in the bag?



Answer to our prayers.



Try it next to that one,

'cause then the couch will go...









You know what I just realized

that we forgot to do?



We forgot to christen

the apartment.



That's what I was thinking.



Agua de beber



Agua de beber camar



Agua de beber



I love our home.






- What was she doing?

- Oh, my God.



I don't know. You think

she saw the whole thing?






Hey, where are you going?



Oh, now's my chance.

I got to get up there.




What are you gonna do?



The answer to our problems.



- Clap Me.

- What does it do?



When she falls asleep,

we can control her TV.



You be the lookout.



If you hear her coming,

knock on the pipe, okay?



Like, make a noise.



Okay. Okay. Okay.






Shut up.



Shut up.



[Door opens]



[Door closes]






Well, hello, Little Dickey.

I'm back again, aren't I?



Guess what I've got in the bag.



I got hot dogs.

Hot dogs for Dickey boy.



I'll tell you

what I'm going to do.



I'm going to give it

a wee chew meself first.



Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.



Mm. It's so nice, Dickey.

It is.



It's so good.






I tell you what.



Shall we have a bit of music?



A bit of music

and a bit of a dance.



I'll put on your favorite,

the tune you like the most.



The one that was

Big Dick's favorite, too.



[The Dubliners'

"Pub with No Beer" plays]






There's a-boy.



From your kindred and all



From the campfire at night



We'll hear

the wild dingoes call



But there's nothing

so lonesome



so dull, or so drear



Than to stand in the bar

of a pub with no beer



Now the publican's anxious



[Creaking loudly]



Holy crap!



Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha



- [Knock on door]

- NANC Y: Mrs. Connelly?



With a thrill in my hand

and a pill on my tongue



Dissolve the nerves

that have just begun



Listening to Marvin



All night long



This is the sound



Mrs. Connelly?



Mrs. Connelly?






Is that you?



Mrs. Connelly?



Hold on a sec.



Mrs. Connelly?



Oh, Nancy.



What a nice surprise.

I'll make you some tea.



It's nice to see you here.



We'll have some tea.






And biscuits.



Ow! Ooh!









Oh, I'm so sorry.

Are you okay?



What happened to you? You were

supposed to be the lookout.



I know.

I know.



[Music playing on television]



All right, here we go.



- Ready?

- Yeah.



[Music continues]



[Music stops]



You're a genius!



[Connelly claps twice,

music resumes]



[Connelly claps twice,

music stops]



That is so weird.



How would she know that? How

would she know how to use it?



You didn't leave the box

up there or anything, did you?



[Connelly claps twice,

music resumes]



[Connelly claps twice,

music stops]



[Connelly claps twice,

music resumes]



[Connelly claps twice,

music stops]



[Music stops]



[Connelly claps twice,

music resumes]



[Telephone rings]



Nancy Kendricks.



Nancy, Mrs. Connelly.

I have a favor to ask.












Mrs. Connelly,

you know, honestly,



we're going to print today,



and everything's

just crazy around here.



Can't you ask Alex?



I knocked and knocked.



He must be in

a deep, deep sleep today.



We didn't get it

until this morning.



Nancy! Nancy!



We have    minutes

to get this to press.



Get off the phone!



Okay, thank you, Mrs. Connelly.



Where is my new hot list?

Where is it?



I'm almost done.



-   seconds!

- Okay. Okay. Okay.



- Okay. Okay.

- Hurry!



This is it?






- Did you check it?

- Yes.



I don't want it tickety-boo.

I want it tickety-now!



It's good. It's cute.

I like it.



Is it, like,

        square feet?



No, it's, like,     .



But it might seem cozy

'cause of the fireplaces.



There are   fireplaces.



So, here it is.

The third fireplace.




This apartment is amazing.



I'm so glad that you like it.

Whew. Relief.



Wonderful collection.



- Mmm, thank you.

- Yeah.



Just make sure you save space



for the Alex Rose

first editions.



Ah, yes.






So, yeah.



How's the ending turning out?



The ending is gonna be great.



I'm kind of circling it

'cause I don't want to force it.



Just make sure you

turn it in by Wednesday.



Management's being very strict

with all our mid-level authors.



I'm only mid-level?



Right now.



Of course, you won't be after

you hand in your masterpiece.



We're replacing most

of the furniture we have,



but we're going

for a Miller/Eames look.



You love Eames, Terrence.



I just got a new piece.






Did you bring that guy with

the girl in the leopard thing?



Oh, that's Chick.



That's the guy who's advising me

on the Don Piper mysteries.



What, is he a detective

or something?






He's a hired gun.



He kills people for a living.



You brought a hit man

into the party?




He's very discreet.



He's got a perfectly legitimate

day job as a cover.



And what do you do, Chick?



I'm a pornographer.



Here, let me give you a card,

you know, just in case.



She's this funny old Irish lady

named Mrs. Connelly,



and she's actually in a brass

ensemble at the church tonight.



There's all sorts

of incredible details.



I mean, I can't wait

for you guys to see it.



It's beautiful.

Ooh, Herman, get in here.






Being a landlord

doesn't give you the right



to enter your tenant's premises

anytime you feel like it.



I just wanted my friends

to have a look-see.



You were supposed to be

at the church performing.



Heavens no.

It's next Friday.



We've got a big week

of practice ahead of us.



You terrified the poor woman.



Mrs. Connelly, you can press

charges if you want.



No, I don't want to do that.



They're such a nice couple.

Good night, now.



Good night, Mrs. Connelly.



I'm gonna be watching

the two of you very closely.



- Hey, Alex, right?

- Hey, Chick.



How you doing?

Brought you a housewarming gift.



Oh, that's so sweet.



Well, look,

this is very tasteful stuff.



You know, for couples.



That is so thoughtful.

Thank you.



My card's inside "Ass Patrol,"

in case you need more.



Take it easy.



- Thanks for the party.

- Okay.



I got an award for this one.



She was supposed to be

at church.



You can't fire me

because you got maced.



Believe me.



I wish that's why

I was firing you.



Did you happen to see

the restaurant hot list?



Oh, my God.






How's Mr. Peabody doing?







Oh, no, no, no.



There's no napping right now.



You have to finish your book.

We need money. I got fired.



Yeah, I know.

I saw it.



Oh, you saw it.



Yeah. It's horrible.

My parents read this magazine.



Now they know my penis

is called Mr. Peabody.



It wasn't my fault.



She was calling me

when you were napping.



I wasn't napping,

for the     th time!



Okay, maybe I took a nap

at one point.



When did napping

become against the law?



Honey, I can't work here. It's

impossible. I've been trying.



I've written three pages

in the last six weeks.



Three pages.

The book is due on Wednesday.



If we don't hand in the book, I

don't know what we're gonna do.



We can't pay for anything.

The runners, the stools.



We can't pay for the

tangelo bowl you like.



We can't pay for your

little happy mug-vase thing.



Well, what if you

got out of the house



and went to write at, like,

a Starbucks or something?



And what? You're gonna stay here

and try to find work



while she has you running around

doing things for her?



Doing all the little errands,

the chores she asks you to do?



I don't think you could take it.



I mean, I love you,

but, honestly,



I've been there, and I don't

think you could take it.



I can take it.

I'll be fine.



[Brass instruments playing]






- Hello, Mrs. Connelly.

- Nancy, dear.



I couldn't help noticing that

Alex left the house this morning



while you stayed home.



I was downsized from my job.



Aw, I'm sorry.



But I'm sure it's for the best.



Let Mr. Rose get out there

and bring home the bacon.



I always thought it was strange.



A husband staying home while

you were out there providing.



Well, he's a writer.






The man naps more

than a newborn pup.



What's he writing about?




Is there something,

Mrs. Connelly?



Oh, I guess you could say

there was something.



I've got something on display

in me kitchen.



That is not a mouse dropping.



It's a raisin.



That is the leavings

of a mouse.



It's a raisin.



I sprayed it with Lysol.






And she puts on this sweet face,

and she acts all innocent.



Nancy, could you help me?



I think I found

the leavings of a mouse.



As if she didn't know

it was a raisin.



I know.



I've never designed

religious leaflets, per se.



 :  . Great, Rabbi.

Thank you so much.














Are you down there?



What is it, Mrs. Connelly?



Little Dickey's caught

in the dumbwaiter shaft.



Well, how did he get there?






Oh, don't hurt him.



Oh, ooh, Dickey boy.



Oh, careful.






Shame on you.



Scaring a helpless,

little macaw like that.



This is not going well.



I told you she's a mean,

crafty old lady.



At this rate, I'm never gonna

finish the book in time.



Damn rent control.



I wish we could just

kick her out.



What if we tried

being nice to her?



Maybe we could get her a gift.



- A gift?

- Yeah.



And ask her if

she wouldn't mind leaving.



- We ask her?

- Yeah.



Just ask her?



Maybe it'll take

a little begging, but nicely.



Well, she might go for begging.



There's a chart that shows

what's inside of each chocolate.



That's all right, dear.



Mrs. Connelly,

let me come right to the point.



Alex and I are trying

to have a baby.



I saw.



In the living room.






The thing is,

when we do have our baby,



we're gonna need the upstairs.



I don't understand, dear.



We're willing to pay you




You want me to leave?



Don't you think

you'd be more comfortable



with people who are more

in your demographic?



In sunny Miami Beach.



I'm Irish.

I'd sizzle up like a sausage.



Besides, this is my home.






The Emerald Isle, hmm?



Back to the old sod.



Well, now, there's a thought.



I haven't been back home

for    years.






A caramel.



So, about Ireland.



And you moving there.



Most likely

they have television now?






Of course they do.



Yeah, color.



I've made up me mind.



I'll do...






Mrs. Connelly!



- She's choking!

- Oh, God!



- Mrs. Connelly.

- Do something!



Oh, God!

Ooh, Alex! Alex!



Come on!

Come on!



- Yeah, good.

- Come on!



Come on!






Oh, my God!









Alex, what are you doing?






Wait! Stop it!

Stop it!



Oh, God.

One, two, three, four, five.



Okay, give her mouth-to-mouth.



- Oh, no. Really?

- Yes. Yes, do it!






No, you got to blow

in her mouth. Come on.



One breath, come on.



One, two, three, four, five.



Okay, again.



Okay, one breath.

That's it.



One, two, three, four, five.












What are you doing?



You were choking on a chocolate.



You choked on a chocolate.






Oh. Oh.



Go on, Mrs. Connelly.



The last thing I remember,

I ate one of their chocolates.



And when I woke up,

he was having his way.



And she was holding me down.



No, I was trying

to save her life.



He stole me drawers once

for sniffing.



That's ridiculous.



She was choking on the

chocolate, so I did...



Shut up!



We keep a list of people like

you down here at the station.



The sexual predator list.



Sexual predator?



And to think

they want to have children.



We should've just let her choke.



Oh, I know.



What can I get you?



Listen, I got    hours

to finish this book.



I was wondering if I could

sit here and write all day.



- Be my guest.

- Thanks.







I was going to ring you.



I'm afraid there's a bit

of a problem up here.



I have to go on a job interview,

so I'll take care of it later.



Oh, that's okay.

I'll ring the rug man.




Knock it in.



Knock it in good.



I don't want to slip

and break me neck.



No, we wouldn't want that.



This is the problem area here.



It's loose as a Dublin whore.



Oh, go on, knock it in.






Now, just knock it in.



Go on, knock.



Come on, use some elbow grease.




Okay, I will.



You threw her down the stairs?






But I imagined it.



And I liked it.



I'm evil.



I'm a horrible, horrible person.



Thank you.



Come on, she's practically

ruined our lives.



It's natural to have thoughts

like that.



- Really?

- Yeah.



I mean, I've even had a couple.







Like what?



Just, you know,

snapping her neck



or electrocuting her.



You know,

just beating her to death,



decapitating her,



drowning her, just,

you know, bludgeoning her,



in a humane way, but...



Dicing her up

into little, little pieces.



But asphyxiating her first

so she didn't feel anything.



I'm glad you clarified that.



You're evil, too.



I'm finished.

That's what I am.



And it was incredible.



The last    pages

just poured out of me.



Let's open that really great

champagne and celebrate.















Come quick.



A huge rat just ran

under me cupboard.



Oh, come.

Come on, quick.



Quick, Alex!



- I'll pop the cork.

- I'll be right back.



Are you sure it was a rat,

Mrs. Connelly?



I saw its face.



You saw its face?



All right, let's see if we can't

find this big, bad rat.



You sure it might not

have been a dust bunny?



'Cause sometimes

they look rodent-like.




The rat!



- Where?

- There!




Oh, that's not a rat.



That's like

a little field mouse.




Your purse fell into the fire.



Oh, no.






Oh, don't!

Oh, don't!



My book!






Oh, Alan!







You'll burn yourself!




Nancy, door!



Get the door!

Nancy, door!



Is that your book?







- Door!

- Okay! Oh, my God!










- No! No! No!

- Alex!




No, stop!










I swear she did that on purpose.




here's tonight's Health Watch.




virus has hit New York City.



Doctors warn that this

particular strain



is extremely dangerous

in children under  



and especially to the elderly.



Symptoms include high fever,



accompanied by nausea

and violent diarrhea.



accompanied by nausea

and violent diarrhea.



Mr. Rose?



Would you sprinkle some salt

on the steps?



They're terribly icy.



You better not go outside then.










A giant tow truck

runs it over,



followed by an S.U.V.

that it was dragging.



Alex, that's horrible.



I know.

I know.



Can you believe it?



No, I can't.



I tried to warn you, Alex.



We're canceling every contract

that's in breach.



In breach?

I have the crushed PowerBook.



I'm sorry, darling.



If you put as much energy

into your work



as you do into excuses,



you might have made

the deadline.



- Do you have the shark?

- MAN: Yes, we do.




I'm gonna have that, no bones.



[Man coughing]












How do you feel?



Like I'm knocking

on death's door.



Well, look who's here.



Come in, both of you.



Hi, Mrs. Connelly.



Happy Thanksgiving.



Oh, thank you.



- How are you?

- Oh, I'm grand.



But how are the two of you?



You look rather sallow.



No, no.

We're fine.



We brought you some popcorn.




Oh, how lovely.



I adore popcorn.

So does Little Dick.



So, did you have a nice

Thanksgiving dinner?



Oh, yes, dear.



That lovely Italian lady

in the post office



brought me a sumptuous dinner.



The only problem is

some of the carcass



didn't go down the disposal.



That's 'cause you don't have

a disposal.



I don't?



It's really stuffed up.









All right!



If you ask me, you two have got

some sort of bug.









Thank God Officer Dan took me

to have a flu shot last week.



Upchuck is a delicacy

for Little Dick.



He's salivating.



How much can we get, Kenneth?



That depends on how far you're

willing to drop the price.



First of all, you way overpaid.



And then you got that tenant.



You said

she was a sweet old lady.



Oh, I can't imagine those words

coming out of my mouth.



So you're saying that we're

stuck in this hellhole?



Yeah. Unless you're willing

to take a huge, huge loss.



How huge?



Huge, huge.



We're just totally

screwed, right?



Yeah. I would say

screwed is apt.



Do you think that Jean would

ever give you a second chance?




No, it's over.



Besides, how could I have time

to rewrite my novel



and still do my faithful

servant duty to her



as her little

indentured servant person,



her little butt boy?



I mean, I got a lot of duties.



'Cause she might need me

to count grapes with her



or help her fix her heater

or go take her to the laundry.



Or I gotta go help her

clean her banana skins



and I gotta go help her

clean out her garbage



or go and wipe her ass!



God forbid she should have

any shit hanging off her ass!



- Alex.

- No. Really.



'Cause then I gotta run

like a little bunny



and I have to go up there and

I gotta go wipe her little ass.



And then I have to go, "Oh,

good for you, Mrs. Connelly,



for having such a nice,

little poopy.



You got some poopy

on your diapie?



Ooh, let me go and clean it off

with my tongue!"



Excuse me, sir.



I mean, enough is enough!



Excuse me.



Off we go, Dickey boy.






Okay, come on.

We don't have that much time.



I know.

She's running errands.



That only gives us    hours.



You, there.

Me, there.



A little salt in her sugar bowl.



Hey, come check this out!









Tripped on the rug.

I'm all right.



You sure you know

what you're doing?



I rewired the lamp

in your office.



Cool. 'Cause if the shock

doesn't get her,



a little bit

of gas poisoning should.



[Exhales sharply]

Out goes pilot one.



Out goes pilot two.



An hour at     ought to do it.



Did you remember to blow out

the pilot for the oven?












[Electricity crackling]






The stain is dripping on us.



I know.



Isn't it soothing?



- Alex.

- Hi.



We got a water stain downstairs,

so I got to look at the pipes.



What has happened to your face?



Oh, I just fell asleep in one

of those tanning machines.



You look like a roast mutton.



How are you doing, mutton head?



I'm almost done.






On the average,



she gets up to change

the channel    times a night



walking this   -inch footpath.



By the time she gets

to the back end



of that "Hawaii Five-O"




the acid should have eaten

through the floorboards.



And we'll finally be happy.



It wasn't our fault,

Officer Dan.



You should find the plumber.



- Right?

- Right.



[Both laughing]



You know, we might want to get

a hotel room just in case.



Sweetie, now that we have a hole

in the ceiling,



I thought maybe it could be

a new place



for the staircase to go.




Looks good.



Where are you going?



A little insurance.



Alex, no!

Not Mr. Peacock.



Honey, Mr. Peacock's gonna have

to take one for the team, okay?









[People speaking

foreign languages]



That's it.



She's watching "Riverdance."



I didn't know people still

watched "Riverdance."



[Irish music plays]



You know, this is actually

harder than it looks.






Holy Mary and Joseph!



I could have fallen

right through.



The floorboards here,

they're rotten to the core.



Awhile back she hired this

Russian guy to fix the pipes.



And I don't know

if you noticed,



but there's all this

water damage that he left.



With all due respect

to Mr. "D", Alex,



you were up here yourself

fiddling with me pipes



a few days ago.



Fiddling with her pipes, huh?



Now, that's another fine

right there.



For what?



You can't plumb without

a license in New York City.




I can't plumb?



Are you sassing me, Mr. Rose?



He's not sassing you.



Yeah, no, I'm not sassing you.



I'm not.



I didn't think so.



'Cause I know

a city building inspector



that eats chickenshit slumlords

like you for lunch.



You got it?



I get it.

You know, slumlord...



And you're gonna buy

Miss Connelly a brand-new TV.



In fact, Miss Connelly,

I'm gonna pick it out myself.



Oh! Could you get one of

those clappy things?



It makes my viewing

so much easier.




Smoke, smoke.




Loot, loot.


















So this is what it's come to?



I guess so.



I don't think

I've ever held a gun be...



I think I've got everything

I need here.



We've got an unlicensed

gun charge,



and then pending

an investigation...



It was an accident.



It's my experience



that wives don't accidently

shoot their husbands



in the penis.



And as much as this particular

man might deserve it,



spousal abuse is a very serious

crime in this state.



You two have a good night now.



He thinks you're abusing me.



Well, you did shoot me.



[Curtain opens]



You're very lucky.



Your hand deflected the bullet



away from the tissue

of the actual organ



and just nicked the scrotum.



What about the,

you know, the berries?



["Sexual Healing" plays]






Wake up, wake up,

wake up, wake up



Oh, baby, now,

let's get down tonight



You feel that?







- That's good.

- [Music stops]



Okay. I'm gonna run

a few more tests,



but I think you should be

out of here by tomorrow.



Poor Mr. Peabody.



He took one for the team.



I just think that we're going

about this murder thing



all wrong.



You think?!



Maybe we should just

keep it simple.



This is so not simple.



Yeah, but you know



she triple chain-Iocks

the front door at night.



A little more,

a little more. Okay.



Where is she?



Maybe she's in her chair.



You caught me.



I can't help but sneak a fag

once in a blue moon.






We thought

that you might be cold,



so we brought you

an extra pillow.



Oh, such consideration.



So unlike the other landlords.



Many have passed

through the dwelling below,



but I just know

you two have come to stay.



Officer Dan put in

me new television.






And he gave me

these noise boxes,



there and by me chair.



So it's like I'm in the cinema.



Oh, it's going to be

so wonderful here.



You two lovelies...






Officer Dan.



We're going to be

one big, happy family.



The Irish have a saying



that it's unlucky to come in

one door and go out of another.



Something to do with the dead.



Evil spirits and the like.



Good night now.



Do you know what, dears?



I think I've enough warmth

as it is.






That was, without question,



the weirdest   minutes

of my life.



[Claps twice,

television blaring]






Captain Connelly battled waves

twice the size of that!



Didn't he, Little Dick?






[Man on television shouting]



We're just gonna be one big,

happy family!







Is it us?!



Are we doing such a bad job

of trying to kill her?!



It's not our fault!

She's a freak of nature!



Hey! I thought you were supposed

to get rid of these.



I did!



It's strange.

I don't know how that got there.



Yeah, right.



"Ass Patrol"!



Hand me that "Ass Patrol."



Now, depending on her mood,



she could be watching TV

over here



or sneaking a cigarette

over there.



I realize this is

just horribly cluttered.



When we get in there, we're

gonna go for a cleaner look.









What's the easiest way

into this hag's place?



Well, we found the dumbwaiter

to be rather effective.



Yeah, and you really don't have

to pull that hard to climb it.



You know, we could even leave

the back door open for you.



So, Chick, how much is this

gonna set us back?






O...  ... Okay.



'Cause we had had

a slightly different figure



in our heads.



We were thinking maybe something

a little closer to, like...



half a "K."



The bottom-line price

for wet work is $     .






When do you think

you could do it?



I'll do it Thursday night.



- Christmas Eve?

- Yeah.



I got a little function.

Then I'll swing by.



Put the cash in the dumbwaiter.



- Got it?

- Got it.



- Okay.

- Cool.



Don't forget your computer.



Thank you so much.



Good night.



Okay, now all we need

is $     .



"Piper grabbed the leash of the

only partner he'd ever known,



"Piper grabbed the leash of the

only partner he'd ever known,



and the private eye and his

Jack Russell headed downtown.



'I guess it's just one of those

things worth killing for, huh?"'



WOMAN: We'll take a break

and come back for some Q&A.



Dental surgery.



$     ?!



The thing is,

with Nancy losing her job,



and with the mortgage and now

with me losing my book contract,



things have gotten desperate,



and I wouldn't even be asking

if it wasn't serious.






[Door slams]



Did you get the money?



No. He didn't think

I needed it.



But I did get a nice,

new, signed first edition



for my collection.



He wrote it in   days.

Want to know how?



Listen to this.

Let's see.



"Her hair was bright yellow



like the color of your pee

after you take a multivitamin."



It's a nice metaphor, asshole!



Stupid, freaking asshole!



I hate you and your stupid

Don Piper mystery



and your stupid pregnant wife

who's gonna have a little baby



that has a freaking six-pack

because its mother never eats!






Honey, we're gonna get

that money.






How are we gonna get $     

in two days?



["It's Beginning to Look

Like Christmas" plays]



It's beginning to look

a lot like Christmas






Not Mr. Peacock.



Take a look

in the five-and-ten



Glistening once again



With candy canes

and silver lanes aglow



It's beginning to look

a lot like Christmas






Toys in every store






But the prettiest sight

to see



Is the holly that will be



On your own front door



[Hinges creaking]



[Zipper zips]



[Buzzer sounds]



CHILDREN: Jingle bells,

jingle bells



Jingle all the way



Oh, what fun it is to ride



In a one-horse open sleigh,




Jingle bells, jingle bells



Jingle all the way



Oh, what fun

it is to ride...



Jingle bells, jingle bells



Jingle all the way



Oh, what fun

it is to ride...




Merry Christmas!



That's good, kids.

That is good.



Now, you save those voices

for the neighbors, okay?



Officer Dan,

what a pleasant surprise.



What can we do for you?



I have cookies

I want to take to Miss Connelly.



Oh, okay.

Oh, that's nice.




I'll take them up myself.



I'll bring them up for you.



If you don't mind...



I don't...



I don't think she's even

up there.



She's not, so you should just

leave it at the door.







Cut that out.



Stop it.




Stop it!

What the heck is going on?



There are kids here.



I knew there was domestic abuse

in this house.



I'm gonna come back

in    minutes.



Come on, kids.

Let's go.



Good save.



[Little Dick squawks]



I knew they'd send a brute.







You shot me!



I've got you, you brute!



Who are ya, bringing a knife

to a gunfight?



Let go of me!



What's he doing?



He's doing his job.



If you want to dance with me,



you've gotta buy me

a drink first.



Is that smoke?!



Get off me, you crazy bitch!







Wait, wait.







Here we go.

You all right?




Where's Little Dickey?



Dickey, Dickey.

Here you go.



Here, here.



Oh, Dick.



[Siren wailing]









Never thought you had it in you.



Thank God I bought

that fire extinguisher.



We were just

trying to help her out.



Her and Little Dickey.



I'll just write this citation up

for electricity.



Thank you.




KENNETH: Believe it or not,

I need two more autographs,



and that will be it.



- So how's the new place?

- It's cute.



I'll tell you, the Bronx

is an up-and-coming borough.



You didn't lie, Kenneth.

It all looks incredible.



I told you they'd fix it up,

didn't I?



Friedmans, meet Alex and Nancy.



- Hi.

- Hey.



We can't thank you enough.



This is just a dream house.

It's so quiet.



Honey, won't this be perfect

for your sleep disorder?



I'm drowsy already.



Hey, who wants to run upstairs

and say hello?



Well, we should get going.



We should.

We have to...









You pulled the woman

out of a burning building.



You'd break her heart

if you didn't say goodbye.



Come on!



Mrs. Connelly,

I brought you a surprise!



Mrs. Connelly!!



The hearing on this one.



Look who's here.

She's asleep.






She's stiff as a board.




She's just hard-of-hearing.



Mrs. Connelly!



["Hawaii Five-O" theme plays]



She's dead.



Oh, poor thing.






She can't be dead.



I guess it was just her time.



Come on, I'll call

the Friedmans.



You don't have to stay here

for this.




Come, come, come.



Must have been

all the excitement.



I can't believe it.



She was so full of life.



I mean, for all our differences,



that old lady really had

a lot of spunk.



A lot of it.



Do you think she's up in heaven?



Well, I'll tell you something.



Wherever she is,

she's in a better place.



You should have seen their faces

when I said she was a goner.



So cheap, though I wish

I could have been there.



Trust me.



It wasn't easy holding

me breath all that long.



Next time, I want a bigger cut

of your commission, Kenny.



What are you talking about?

We give you everything, Ma.



There's barely enough left



for Danny and I to have

a cruise to the Caribbean.



I'm the one putting

me caboose on the line.



Oh, come on.



You had it easy

with Alex and Nancy.



They were a nice couple.

I do hope they'll be all right.



Ah, they'll be fine.



He's a writer.

They thrive on adversity.



I hope his next book is better

than his last one.



Maybe this time he'll write

about something he knows.




Alex and Nancy's dream house



may have been

too good to be true.



But did they live

happily ever after?



Well, read the book.



[Claps twice]

Special help by SergeiK