Ed Wood Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Ed Wood script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Tim Burton movie starring Johnny Depp.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Ed Wood. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Ed Wood Script


 

                   

Greetings, my friend.



 

                   

You are interested

in the unknown...



 

                   

the mysterious,

the unexplainable.



 

                   

That is why you are here.



 

                   

And now,

for the first time...



 

                   

we are bringing you the full story

of what happened.



 

                   

We are giving you

all the evidence...



 

                   

based only on the secret testimony

of the miserable souls...



 

                   

who survived this

terrifying ordeal.



  

                   

The incidents, places...



  

                   

My friend, we cannot keep this

a secret any longer.



  

                   

Can your heart stand

the shocking facts...



  

                   

of the true story...



  

                   

of Edward D. Wood,Jr.?



  

                   

It's  :   . We can't hold

the curtain any longer.



  

                   

Cripes, what am I gonna tell the cast?

It's press night and there's no press!



  

                   

- Do you believe in ghosts?

- Nah, Tommy.



  

                   

That's just kiddie

spook stories.



  

                   

Once you're dead,

you stay dead.



  

                   

I don't know, Bill.



  

                   

Out on that battlefield today,

I saw this woman dressed in white...



  

                   

floating above the dunes.



  

                   

Maybe it was just fatigue or maybe

it's the indignities of war.



  

                   

Or maybe it's

somethin'else.



  

                   

Hey, I think

I see somethin'.



  

                   

[pulley Squeaking]



  

                   

I offer you mortals

the bird of peace...



  

                   

so that you may change

your ways...



  

                   

and end this destruction.



  

                   

[Squeaking Resumes]



  

                   

What a show!

Everyone was terrifiic.



  

                   

Paul, your second act monologue

actually gave me the chills.



  

                   

- Oh, thanks, Eddie.

- I got the early edition,

hot off the presses!



  

                   

This is the big moment.



  

                   

- [Exhales]

- Oh, what does that old queen know?



  

                   

She didn't even show.



  

                   

Sent her copy boy

to do the dirty work.



  

                   

- Sc-rew you, Miss Crowley.

- Do I really have a face like a horse?



  

                   

What does "ostentatious" mean?



  

                   

Hey, it's not that bad. You can't

concentrate on the negative.



  

                   

Look, he's got some

nice things to say here.



  

                   

"The soldiers' costumes

are very realistic." That's positive!



  

                   

- Rave of the century.

- Well, I've seen a lot worse reviews.



  

                   

I've seen reviews where they didn't

even mention the costumes.



  

                   

Like that last Francis the Mule picture.

It got terrible notices.



  

                   

- Huge hit!

- Lines around the block.



  

                   

That's right. Don't take it too

seriously. We're all doing great work.



  

                   

- Do you really think so?

- Absolutely.



  

                   

- [Thunderclap]

- Honey, what if I'm wrong?



  

                   

- What if I just don't got it?

- Ed, it was only one review.



  

                   

Orson Welles was only   

when he made Citizen Kane.



  

                   

I'm already   .



  

                   

Ed, you're still young.



  

                   

This is the time in your life when

you're supposed to be struggling.



  

                   

I know. But I'm scared it's not going

to get any better than this.



  

                   

Oh, I hate having

to wake up this early.



  

                   

Gosh, where's

my pink sweater?



  

                   

I can never seem to find

my clothes any more.



  

                   

Hey, big shot! Get off your ass and get

this over to the executive building.



  

                   

- Sure thing, Mr Kravitz.

- Hey, Charlie, come here.



  

                   

What did I tell ya about watering these

plants, eh? I want some water on 'em!



  

                   

Don't sprinkle the damn things!

Soak 'em!



  

                   

Hi.



  

                   

[Man] All right, people, settle.

And... action!



  

                   

Wow!

Look at these camels!



  

                   

These are real camels!



  

                   

- Gosh, where'd they get real camels?

- Hey, you!



  

                   

Move it outta here, huh?



  

                   

Hey, Eddie! Come in here.

I got some great new stuff to show you.



  

                   

This is fantastic.

What are you gonna do with it?



  

                   

- Probably file it away

and never see it again.

- Ah, it's such a waste.



  

                   

Why, if I had half the chance,

I could make an entire movie

using this stock footage.



  

                   

The story opens on these

mysterious explosions.



  

                   

Nobody knows what's causing them,

but it's upsetting all the buffalo.



  

                   

So the military are called in

to solve the mystery.



  

                   

- You forgot the octopus.

- No, no. I'm saving that

for my big underwater climax.



  

                   

[Chuckling]



  

                   

- [Ringing]

- Hello.



  

                   

[Woman] They say he was a girl

trapped in a man's body.



  

                   

- I bet it hurt when

they cut his thing off.

- Ugh!



  

                   

What are you ladies

gabbin' about?



  

                   

You know that Christine Jorgensen freak?

He... She... It's in Variety.



  

                   

Some producer's

makin' a biopic.



  

                   

Really? I didn't

read that story.



  

                   

Yes, I've got

Mr Edward Wood on the line.



  

                   

Could you please hold?



  

                   

Mr Weiss?

Ed Wood here.



  

                   

Listen, I heard about your

new project and I was curious

if you'd signed a director yet.



  

                   

Oh, you haven't!



  

                   

Well, if we could get together,

I could explain to you...



  

                   

why I'm more qualified to direct

this than anyone else in town.



  

                   

Well, I'd rather not

go into that over the phone.



  

                   

All right.

Great!



  

                   

I'll see you then.

Bye!



  

                   

Eddie, I don't understand.



  

                   

Why are you the most qualified director

for the Christine Jorgensen story?



  

                   

Oh, it's just hogwash, hon.

I had to get into the door somehow.



  

                   

[Chuckles]



  

                   

[Engine Knocking]



   

                   

[Sputtering]



   

                   

[Man]

No, I love you like a brother.



   

                   

No, no, no. No, no, no.

That's a fialsehood!



   

                   

Come in!



   

                   

Look, when I said you could

have the western territories,

I didn't mean all     states!



   

                   

I meant California, Oregon,

and what's that one on top?



   

                   

Washington, yeah, yeah!



   

                   

W... Oh, really?



   

                   

Well, screw you!



   

                   

Hi. Can I help you?



   

                   

Yes. I'm Ed Wood.

I'm here about directing the

Christine Jorgensen picture.



   

                   

[Chuckling]

Well, a couple of things have changed.



   

                   

It ain't gonna be the

Christine Jorgensen story no more.



   

                   

Goddam Variety had to print

the story before I got the rights.



   

                   

- Now that bitch is asking for the sky.

- Ah, you're not gonna make the movie.



   

                   

No, of course I'm gonna make

the picture. I already presold

Alabama and Oklahoma.



   

                   

Those repressed Okies, they go for

that twisted, perverted stuff.



   

                   

We'll just do it without the she-male.

We'll fictionalize it.



   

                   

- Is there a script?

- Fuck no. But, there's a poster.



   

                   

It opens in nine weeks

in Tulsa.



   

                   

Well, Mr Weiss, look no further.

I'm your man.



   

                   

I work fast and I'm a deal.

I write and direct. And I'm good.



   

                   

I just did a play in Hollywood

and Victor Crowley himself

praised its realism.



   

                   

There's about     guys in this town

that can say the same thing.



   

                   

On the phone you said you had

some special qualifications?



   

                   

Mr Weiss...



   

                   

I have never told anyone...



   

                   

what I'm about to tell you.



   

                   

But I really want

this job.



   

                   

I like to dress

in women's clothing.



   

                   

You're a fruit?



   

                   

No, not at all. I love women.

Wearing their clothes makes me

feel closer to them.



   

                   

- You're not a fruit.

- No, I'm all man.

I even fought in W.W. Two.



   

                   

Of course, I was wearing women's

undergarments under my uniform.



   

                   

Ya got to be kidding me.



   

                   

Confidentially, I even paratrooped

wearing a brassiere and panties.



   

                   

I tell ya, I wasn't scared

of being killed, but I was

terrified of getting wounded...



   

                   

and having the medics

discover my secret.



   

                   

- So you think this qualifies you

to make my movie?

- Yes!



   

                   

I know what it's like

to live with a secret...



   

                   

and worry about what people

are gonna think of ya.



   

                   

My girlfriend still doesn't know why

her sweaters are always stretched out.



   

                   

Ed, you seem like a nice kid.

Look around you.



   

                   

I don't hire directors with burning

desires to tell their stories.



   

                   

I make movies

like Chained Girls.



   

                   

I need someone with experience

who can shoot a film in four

days and make me a profit.



   

                   

I'm sorry.

That's all that matters.



   

                   

Can I get you

anything else, kid?



   

                   

Too constrictive!

I can't even fold my arms.



   

                   

Gee, Mr Lugosi,

I've never had any complaints.



   

                   

This is the most uncomfortable coffin

I've ever been in.



   

                   

Your selection is quite shoddy.

You're wasting my time!



   

                   

- Mr Lugosi?

- I told you I don't want any

of your goddam coffins!



   

                   

No, no!

I don't work here.



   

                   

- Then who are you? What do you want?

- I don't want anything.



   

                   

- I'm just a really big, big fan.

I've seen all your movies.

- [Scoffs]



   

                   

-Mr Lugosi, why are you buying a coffin?

-I'm planning on dying soon.



   

                   

- No!

- Yes! I'm embarking on another

bus and truck tour of Dracula.



   

                   

Twelve cities in ten days,

if that's conceivable.



   

                   

Do you know that I saw you perform

Dracula in Poughkeepsie in      ?



   

                   

- That was a terrible production.

Renfield was a drunk!

- I thought it was great.



   

                   

You know, you're much scarier

in real life than you are in the movie.



   

                   

Thank you.



   

                   

I even waited outside to get your

autograph, but you never came out.



   

                   

Well, I apologize. When I play Dracula,

I put myself into a trance.



   

                   

It takes me much time

to reemerge.



   

                   

Oh, there's my bus.

Shit, where is my transfer?



   

                   

- Say, don't you have a car?

- I refuse to drive in this country.



   

                   

Too many madmen.



   

                   

I've got a car.



   

                   

[Engine Knocking]



   

                   

Boy, Mr Lugosi, you must lead

such an exciting life.



   

                   

- When is your next picture coming out?

- I have no next picture.



   

                   

You gotta be jokin'.

A great star like you, you must

have dozens of'em lined up.



   

                   

Back in the old days, yes.



   

                   

But now, no one gives

two fucks for Bela.



   

                   

- But you're a big star.

- No more.



   

                   

I haven't worked

in four years.



   

                   

This business, this town,

it chews you up, then spits you out.



   

                   

I'm just an ex-bogeyman.

Make a right.



   

                   

[Radiator Hissing,

Engine Knocking, Wheezing]



   

                   

They don't want the classic

horror films any more.



   

                   

Today, it's all giant bugs.



   

                   

Giant spiders,

giant grasshoppers.



   

                   

Who would believe

such nonsense?



   

                   

The old ones were much spookier;,

they had castles and full moons.



   

                   

They were mythic.



   

                   

- They had a poetry to them.

- Yes.



   

                   

And you know what else?

The women...



   

                   

The women prefer

the traditional monsters.



   

                   

The women. Huh.



   

                   

The pure horror, it both repels

and attracts them.



   

                   

Because in their

collective unconsciousness...



   

                   

they have the agony

of childbirth.



   

                   

The blood...

The blood is horror.



   

                   

You know,

I never thought of that.



   

                   

Take my word for it.



   

                   

If you want to make out

with a young lady...



   

                   

you take her to see Dracula.

[Chuckling]



   

                   

[Dogs Whining,

Barking]



   

                   

Eh, what a mess.



   

                   

My wife of    years

left me last month.



   

                   

- I'm not much of a housekeeper.

- [Dogs Barking]



   

                   

- All right, I'm coming.

I'll feed you, my darlings.

- I'd better get going.



   

                   

But perhaps we could get together

again some time, Mr Lugosi.



   

                   

Certainly.



   

                   

But now, the children of the night

are calling me. [Chuckling]



   

                   

Uh...

[Nervous Chuckle]



   

                   

- Good day.

- Good day.



   

                   

Sweetie, you won't believe it.

I've got incredible news.



   

                   

- You got the job!

- No, I didn't get the job.



   

                   

- But something better happened.

- Better than not getting the job.



   

                   

Yes!

I met a movie star.



   

                   

- Somebody really big.

- Who? Robert Taylor?



   

                   

No. A horror movie star.



   

                   

- Boris Karloff?

- Close.



   

                   

The other one.



   

                   

You met...

Basil Rathbone!



   

                   

Oh, to heck with you.

I met Bela Lugosi.



   

                   

- Why, I thought he was dead.

- No, he's very much alive.



   

                   

Well...



   

                   

sort of.



   

                   

He's old and frail, but he's still

Bela Lugosi and he's really nice.



   

                   

- I can't even remember the last

time I saw him in a picture.

- It's a shame.



   

                   

He's such a great actor

and no one uses him any more.



   

                   

-So, did you get his autograph?

-No, it wasn't like that at all.



   

                   

It was just the two of us and we were

talking. He treated me like a friend.



   

                   

- Yeah, well, he's a bum.

- No, he's not.



   

                   

Do you have any idea how much money

he made for this studio?



   

                   

Dracula, The Black Cat,

The Raven.



   

                   

Yeah? Well, now he's a junkie.

He don't deserve to work.



   

                   

- That is not true!

- He's so great, you hire him.

[Chuckles]



   

                   

Yeah, well,

I would if I could.



   

                   

- [Children] Trick or treat!

- [Girl] The house looks like

they have lots ofi kids.



   

                   

Ooh, those eyes.

He gives me the willies.



   

                   

Uh, I hate it when

she interrupts the picture.



   

                   

She doesn't show 'em

the proper respect.



   

                   

I think she's a honey.



   

                   

Look at those jugs.



   

                   

But he stood me up

at the restaurant.



   

                   

I guess I shouldn't have

picked a steak house.



   

                   

And then I went out with the Wolfi Man.

Ugh! What an evening.



   

                   

- I didn't know whether

to kiss him good night...

- Vampira...



   

                   

you will come under

my spell.



   

                   

You will be

my slave of love.



   

                   

My gosh, Bela!

How do you do that?



   

                   

You must be double-jointed.



   

                   

And you must be Hungarian.



   

                   

Vampira, look at me.



   

                   

Look into my eyes.



   

                   

You're watching our Halloween

movie, White Zombie...



   

                   

starring Bela Lugosi,

John Harron, Madge Bellamy...



   

                   

and a bunch of other people

I've never heard of.



   

                   

[Sighs]



   

                   

I'm very tired.



   

                   

I need to take my medicine.



   

                   

- Do you want me to get it for you?

- No.



   

                   

Thank you, Eddie.

I'll be all right.



   

                   

ܢ [Soundtrack]



   

                   

 [Continues]



   

                   

- [Crashing Sound]

- [Bela] Oh, shit.



   

                   

[Exhales]

I feel much better!



   

                   

- [Doorbell Rings]

- Children! I love children!



   

                   

[Together] Trick or treat!

[Screaming]



   

                   

Aren't you scared,

little boy?



   

                   

I'm going to drink

your blood.



   

                   

You're not a real vampire.



   

                   

Those teeth don't firighten me.



   

                   

How about these?



   

                   

[Screams]



   

                   

Hey, how'd you do that?



   

                   

Dentures.

Lost my pearlies in the war.



   

                   

So, what was the important news you

couldn't tell me on the phone, again?



   

                   

I started thinking about what

you were saying about how your

movies need to make a profit.



   

                   

What is the one thing, if you put it

in a movie, it'll be successful?



   

                   

- Tits.

- No, better than that. A star.



   

                   

Kid, you must have me

confused with David Selznick.



   

                   

I don't make major motion pictures;

I make crap.



   

                   

Yes! But if you take that crap and put

a star in it, then you've got something.



   

                   

- Yeah. Crap with a star.

- No, something better!



   

                   

Something impressive.



   

                   

Maybe the biggest money-maker

you've ever had.



   

                   

[Sighs]

Fine, all right.



   

                   

You may be right,

but it doesn't frickin' matter.



   

                   

I can't afford a star,

so what are we even talkin' about?



   

                   

All right. What if I told you

you could have a star for $     ?



   

                   

Who?



   

                   

- Lugosi?

- Yes! Lugosi!



   

                   

- Isn't he dead?

- No, he's not dead.

He lives in Baldwin Hills.



   

                   

I met him recently and he really wants

to be in our movie.



   

                   

Why would Lugosi want

to do a sex change flick?



   

                   

Because he's my friend!



   

                   

All right, fine!

You can direct it.



   

                   

I want a script in three days.

We start shooting a week firom Monday.



   

                   

Mr Weiss, thank you so much. You won't

regret it. I won't let you down.



   

                   

[Typing]



   

                   

But Bunny, you're perfect for this job.

You know these people.



   

                   

I need all the transsexuals

and transvestites I can get.



   

                   

No, I don't care if they're not actors.

I want realism!



   

                   

- I want this film to tell the truth.

- [Knocking On Door]



   

                   

Coming!



   

                   

I've waited all my life for this shot,

and I'm not gonna blow it.



   

                   

- Eddie, you got a new movie for me, eh?

- Yes!



   

                   

It's gonna be a great picture and you'll

love your character. Have a seat.



   

                   

Listen, Bunny?

Bela's here. I gotta go.



   

                   

Listen, hit the bars, work some parties,

and get me transvestites!



   

                   

I need transvestites!

All right. Bye.



   

                   

[Sighs]



   

                   

Eddie, what kind

of a movie is this?



   

                   

Well, it's about how people

have two personalities:



   

                   

the side they show to the world, and

then the secret person they hide inside.



   

                   

Like Jekyll and Hyde. I've always

wanted to play Jekyll and Hyde.



   

                   

I'm looking forward to this production.

[Chuckling]



   

                   

Well, your part's

a little different.



   

                   

You're like the god that looks over all

the characters and oversees everything.



   

                   

I don't understand.



   

                   

You control everyone's fate.

You're like the puppetmaster.



   

                   

- Ah, so I pull the strings!

- Yes, you pull the strings.



   

                   

"Pull the strings."

I like that!



   

                   

Honey!



   

                   

I got a little surprise

for you.



   

                   

Wipe off your hands.



   

                   

- I finished my script.

- [Gasps] Oh!



   

                   

Ed, I'm so proud of you!



   

                   

I'll read it as soon

as I get home.



   

                   

Well, I'd really like

to know what you think.



   

                   

Why don't you go in the bedroom

and take a look? I'll wait.



   

                   

Go ahead.



   

                   

Take your time.



   

                   

So that's where

my sweater's been.



   

                   

How long have you

been doing this?



   

                   

Since I was a kid.



   

                   

My mom wanted a girl, so she

used to dress me in girlie clothing.



   

                   

Just became a habit.



   

                   

Jesus Christ!

And you never told me?



   

                   

Well, this is my way

of telling you.



   

                   

What, by putting it in a fucking script

for everyone to see?



   

                   

What kind of sick mind

operates like that?



   

                   

And what about this, this

so-called Barbara character...



   

                   

that's obviously me?



   

                   

I mean, this is our life.

It's so embarrassing!



   

                   

- Of course it is. That's why

you should play the part.

- Oh, you got nerve, buddy.



   

                   

- It's a darn good role.

- That's not the issue!



   

                   

God, how can you act so casual

when you're dressed like that?



   

                   

It makes me feel comfortable.



   

                   

Oh, just like in the script.



   

                   

Exactly.



   

                   

So, what do you say?



   

                   

Do we break up?



   

                   

Or do you want to make

the movie with me?



   

                   

They make you tall, and you're flashy.

They want that.



   

                   

Okay. But they want professionalism,

so nix on the Nelly...



   

                   

without losing naivete,

okay?



   

                   

Now, the good news is you're

probably going to get hired

because you look like peggy Lee.



   

                   

But I don't want anybody else

to resent that, okay? Please?



   

                   

'Cause there's enough

for everybody, exotics too.



   

                   

All right, because if you're not

going to smile, please don't bother.

You'll embarrass me.



   

                   

This is George Weiss. He's done

some very important things;

he's a nice person to know.



   

                   

- An important person to know.

- I thought you were gonna

make a sex change film!



   

                   

- It's still a sex change film.

- Yeah! Five pages before it ends!



   

                   

- The rest is about some schmuck

who likes angora sweaters!

- I don't think he's a schmuck.



   

                   

What about this title? My poster says,

I Changed My Sex.



   

                   

So change the poster.

Trust me, you'll be better off.

This story's gonna grab people.



   

                   

It's about this guy, he's crazy about

this girl, but he likes to wear dresses.



   

                   

Should he tell her? Should he not

tell her? He's torn. This is drama!



   

                   

Fine! Shoot whatever

baloney you want.



   

                   

Just make sure

it's seven reels long.



   

                   

Testing.



   

                   

Excuse me. Can I get

everyone's attention, please?



   

                   

Could you gather around?



   

                   

I've got something to say.



   

                   

Everybody, we're about to embark on

quite a journey: four days of hard work.



   

                   

But when it's over, we'll have a picture

that'll entertain, enlighten...



   

                   

and maybe even move

millions ofi people.



   

                   

Excuse me, Eddie. I don't mean to

interrupt. I'm worried about the light.



   

                   

Good thinking. All right, we'll talk

about days three and four later.



   

                   

Let's get that first shot off. Scene    

Glenda looking in the window.



   

                   

- [Camera Whirring]

- [Ed] And... action!



   

                   

[Sighs]



   

                   

[Ed]

And... cut!



   

                   

- Print that! Let's move on!

- Don't you want a second take

for protection?



   

                   

What's to protect?

It was perfect! Come on!



   

                   

Hey! Cops!



   

                   

We don't have a permit.

Run!



   

                   

[Groaning]



   

                   

Come on.

Let's go.



   

                   

[Hammering]



   

                   

- [Weiss] What's going on

with these revised pages?

- [Man] Mr Lugosi's here.



   

                   

Oh, my God!

Mr Lugosi's here!



   

                   

Everyone!

Everyone!



   

                   

Everyone, come on.

Come in here.



   

                   

Listen.



   

                   

When he walks onto the stage,

treat him normal.



   

                   

I know Bela Lugosi's a world-famous star

and you're all very excited...



   

                   

but look,

we are professionals.



   

                   

So, just treat him with respect.

Everything will be all right.



   

                   

Bela!



   

                   

Great to see ya!  :   on the dot.

Right on time.



   

                   

- I'm always on time.

- Ofi course you are.



   

                   

[Ed] We've got a big day

planned fior you.



   

                   

But fiirst we're gonna

start out kinda easy with you

in that armchair over there.



   

                   

Then once you're up to speed

and cookin', we'll reset and

bring in the lab equipment.



   

                   

- Eddie?

- Huh?



   

                   

- What about my money?

- Huh? Oh.



   

                   

What are you people doing?

Get back to work!



   

                   

All right, people.

Let's get ready.



   

                   

Mr Lugosi,

I know you're very busy...



   

                   

but, um, can I have

your autograph?



   

                   

Certainly.



   

                   

You know which movie of yours I love,

Mr Lugosi? The Invisible Ray.



   

                   

You were great

as Karloff's sidekick.



   

                   

Karloff?



   

                   

Sidekick?



   

                   

Fuck you!



   

                   

Karloff does not deserve

to smell my shit!



   

                   

That limey cocksucker

can rot in hell fior all I care!



   

                   

-What happened?

-How dare that asshole bring up Karloff?



   

                   

You think it takes talent

to play Frankenstein?



   

                   

It's all make-up and, and, grunting.

[Grunts]



   

                   

I agree.

Bela, I agree     %.



   

                   

Now, Dracula, that's a role

that requires talent.



   

                   

Of course!

Dracula requires presence.



   

                   

It's all in the eyes

and the voice...



   

                   

- and the hand.

- That's right. That's right.



   

                   

You seem a little agitated. You wanna

go outside and get some air?



   

                   

Bullshit! I'm ready now.

Roll the camera!



   

                   

We're rolling.



   

                   

- Sound. Speed.

- Scene     take one. Mark.



   

                   

[Quietly]

Action.



   

                   

Beware.



   

                   

Beware.



   

                   

Beware of the big,

green dragon...



   

                   

that sits on your doorstep.



   

                   

He eats little boys...



   

                   

puppy dog tails...



   

                   

and big, fat snails.



   

                   

Beware.



   

                   

Take care.



   

                   

Beware.



   

                   

Wait!



   

                   

Pull the string!

Pull the string!



   

                   

Cut.



   

                   

[Whispering]

Perfect.



   

                   

But Georgie, I'm proud. I wrote,

directed and starred in it...



   

                   

just like Orson Welles did

in Citizen Kane.



   

                   

Yeah, well, Orson Welles didn't

wear angora sweaters, did he?



   

                   

How can you just walk around like that

in firont ofi all these people?



   

                   

Well, hon, nobody's bothered but you.

Look around.



   

                   

Ed, this isn't the real world!

You've surrounded yourself

with a bunch of weirdos.



   

                   

Oh, say it a little louder.

I don't think Bela heard you.



   

                   

[Sighs]

Dolores.



   

                   

I need your help.



   

                   

[Ed] My mind's in a muddle,

like in a thick fiog.



   

                   

I thought I could stop

wearing these things.



   

                   

I tried.

Honestly, I tried.



   

                   

Glen.



   

                   

I don't fully understand...



   

                   

but maybe together

we can work this out.



   

                   

Music swells.

Cut and print!



   

                   

- [Squeals]

- It's a wrap.



   

                   

How do you do?

I'm here to see Mr Feldman.



   

                   

What's your name?



   

                   

Edward D. Wood,Jr.



   

                   

He's in the

executive building.



   

                   

- You can park in the reserved section.

- Thanks very much.



   

                   

- Please, sit down.

- Thanks.



   

                   

So, what are you bringing me?

Looks like you got some fiilm cans.



   

                   

Well, some people bring their resumes.

I've brought my own movie.



   

                   

Really.

Well, good for you.



   

                   

I just shot this baby for

Screen Classics. It opens next week.



   

                   

Screen Classics?

No, I don't know them.



   

                   

There's something

you should know.



   

                   

Nobody in town has seen this

picture, so I'm giving you

first crack at my talents.



   

                   

Thank you.



   

                   

And I'm anxious to see it.

[Sighs]



   

                   

So, what's up next

for you?



   

                   

I don't believe in thinking

small, so I've got a whole slate

of pictures for you.



   

                   

You ready?

Okay.



   

                   

"The Vampire's Tomb."



   

                   

"The Ghoul Goes West."



   

                   

And...



   

                   

"Doctor Acula."



   

                   

Doctor Acula?

I don't get it.



   

                   

"Doctor...



   

                   

Racula."



   

                   

Oh, I get it.



   

                   

I don't like it.



   

                   

But it'll star Bela Lugosi.



   

                   

[Chuckles] Bela Lugosi? Lugosi's

all washed-up. What else you got?



   

                   

Well, l-I do have...

another project.



   

                   

I wasn't going to

tell you about it.



   

                   

Lugosi's in it,

but it's a small part.



   

                   

The lead is an ingenue.



   

                   

A sterling, young actress...

Dolores Fuller.



   

                   

The title of the film:



   

                   

"Bride Of The Atom"!



   

                   

Ah.



   

                   

Atomic age stuff, huh?



   

                   

I like it.

I like it.



   

                   

I tell you what, Mr Ward. Why don't

you leave your film cans with me.



   

                   

And my associates and I will

take a look at your little opus...



   

                   

and maybe we can do

some business together.



   

                   

Take care.

Beware.



   

                   

Pull the string!

Pull the string!



   

                   

What the hell is this?



   

                   

- Is this an actual movie?

- It can't be!



   

                   

[Narrator] Give this man satin undies,

a dress, sweater and skirt...



   

                   

or even the lounging outfiit

he has on...



   

                   

- and he's the happiest

human being in the world.

- Wait a minute.



   

                   

- [Narrator Continues]

- Wait a minute. That guy in the dress.



   

                   

That's the guy I met today.



   

                   

Oh, this has got to be

a put-on.



   

                   

[Narrator]

These things are his comfiort.



   

                   

[Chuckling] This is probably another

one of Billy Wellman's practical jokes.



   

                   

Hejust entered the street dressed in

the clothes he so much desires to wear.



   

                   

But, only ifi he

really appears fiemale.



   

                   

- long hair, make-up, clothing,

the actual contours ofi a girl.

- Oh, God!



   

                   

Most transvestites do not want

to change their lifie, their bodies.



   

                   

This is funny.

This is funny.



   

                   

Thank you.



   

                   

Georgie, I thought Glen Or Glenda?

was opening this week. Where's the ads?



   

                   

Where's the ads? The ads are in Alabama,

Indiana, Missouri, you schmuck!



   

                   

It ain't gonna play in L.A.!



   

                   

-Why not?

-Nobody wants to see this piece of shit!



   

                   

- Hey, you can't talk

that way about my movie!

- I wish it was your movie!



   

                   

I wish I hadn't blown every dime I ever

made into making this stink bomb!



   

                   

And if I ever see ya again,

I'll kill ya!



   

                   

Hello?



   

                   

Georgie?



   

                   

[Crowd Cheering]



   

                   

- Guess where I'm going next week?

- I don't know. Where?



   

                   

Mexico.



   

                   

- Guess what I'm doing when I get there.

- I don't know. Lie on a beach.



   

                   

Wrong. I'm getting my first series

of hormone injections.



   

                   

When those girls kick in...



   

                   

they're gonna take out my organs

and make me a woman.



   

                   

- Are you serious?

- It's something I've wanted

to do for a long time.



   

                   

But it wasn't until I saw your movie

that I realized I have to take action!



   

                   

- Goodbye, penis!

- Would you please keep it down.



   

                   

The "Super Swedish Angel,"

Tor Johnson!



   

                   

[Cheering, Whistling]



   

                   

My gosh, look at that guy.

He's a mountain!



   

                   

[Bell Rings]



   

                   

And after I'm a woman,Jean-Claude

and I are going to be married.



   

                   

- I'm going to be a June bride.

- He's a monster.



   

                   

Can you imagine what that guy

would look like in a movie?



   

                   

[Grunting]



   

                   

Yeah, yeah!

Yeah!



   

                   

Mmm. More neck.



   

                   

- Mr Johnson, congratulations

on your victory.

- Thank you.



   

                   

- Did you bring my water?

- No, I'm not the water boy.



   

                   

I'm a movie director.



   

                   

- Movies? Like the Mickey Mouse?

- Sure.



   

                   

- I'll get you next week!

- Yeah, right. In your dreams!



   

                   

Tor...

Uh, Mr Johnson.



   

                   

- You ever fancy the notion

of becoming an actor?

- Not good-looking enough.



   

                   

Well, I think

you're quite handsome.



   

                   

Do my toes.



   

                   

So, anyway, I've got this new script,

Bride Ofi The Atom.



   

                   

And there's a part

I believe you're ideal for.



   

                   

Lobo. He's tough,

he's a brute.



   

                   

But he's got a good heart. At the end

of the picture, he saves the girl.



   

                   

[Chuckles]

I like! When do movie shoot?



   

                   

Hopefully, very soon.



   

                   

I'm just waiting for the final okay from

my good pal at Warners, Mr Feldman.



   

                   

[Ringing]



   

                   

- Wood Productions.

- Eddie, help me.



   

                   

- Bela?

- Eddie, please come over.



   

                   

Bela?



   

                   

Bela?



   

                   

Bela!



   

                   

[Dogs Whimpering]



   

                   

Bela!



   

                   

Bela?

What happened?



   

                   

[Weakly]

Eddie.



   

                   

I didn't feel well.



   

                   

- Come on, let me get you

to the hospital.

- No hospital.



   

                   

Just take me

to the couch.



   

                   

- Should I call a doctor?

- No.



   

                   

This happens all the time.



   

                   

Is there anything I can get for you?

Water or a blanket?



   

                   

Goulash.



   

                   

I don't know how to make goulash.



   

                   

Bela, what's in

the needle?



   

                   

Morphine.



   

                   

With a Demerol chaser.



   

                   

Oh, Eddie.

Eddie, I'm so broke.



   

                   

I don't know what I'm going to do.

[Sobbing]



   

                   

Don't worry, Bela.



   

                   

I won't let you down.



   

                   

Mr Feldman?

Ed Wood.



   

                   

Yeah, listen, I haven't been able

to get through, so I just showed up.



   

                   

Yeah!

Right out front.



   

                   

So, we gonna be

working together?



   

                   

Really?

Worst film you ever saw.



   

                   

Well, my next one

will be better.



   

                   

Hello. Hello.



   

                   

[Sighs]

I'm no good.



   

                   

Oh, Ed, it was just

one man's opinion.



   

                   

Bela needs a job.

I can't even get a film going.



   

                   

Of course I can't.

I made the worst movie of all time.



   

                   

Oh, that's ridiculous.



   

                   

All I wanna do

is tell stories.



   

                   

The things that I find interesting.



   

                   

Well, maybe you're not

studio kind of material.



   

                   

Maybe you just need

to raise the money yourself.



   

                   

The movie is called

Bride Ofi The Atom.



   

                   

It will star Bela Lugosi.



   

                   

There are quarter shares

available at $        each.



   

                   

Yes, that's right.

The Bela Lugosi.



   

                   

He's still alive.



   

                   

Huh? Is he available

Friday night?



   

                   

Well, gee, I suppose so.

Why?



   

                   

- [Laughter]

- "Greetings, I am the Count."



   

                   

"Greetings, I am Slick Slomopavitz,

Seeker of Adventure.



   

                   

"Audience laughs, applauds.

'Say, that's a kooky place to sleep."'



   

                   

- "It is my home."

- "'Oh, tract housing, huh?' Laugh.



   

                   

- You need a new real estate agent."

- [Applause]



   

                   

"I beg to differ.



   

                   

This casket incap...

incarpertate..."



   

                   

No, Bela,

that's "incorporates."



   

                   

Look, why don't you just say,

"This casket has..."



   

                   

How do they expect a Hungarian

to pronounce this dialogue?



   

                   

This... This live television

is madness!



   

                   

Furthermore, I predict...



   

                   

by April           ...



   

                   

I predict... men will

have colonized Mars.



   

                   

Millions of people

will live there.



   

                   

Wow!

Ain't that somethin'?



   

                   

And now we take you

to a castle in Transylvania.



   

                   

Watch out. The landlord's

a real pain in the neck.



   

                   

 [Organ playing Bach's

Toccata And Fugue In D Minor]



   

                   

Greetings!

I am the Count!



   

                   

Greetings, pal! I'm Slick Slomopavitz,

Seeker of Adventure!



   

                   

- [Audience Laughing]

- Hey, what a kooky place to sleep.



   

                   

Kind of reminds me of my house.

What a dump!



   

                   

Some places got a Murphy bed;

this place got a Murphy shower.



   

                   

I still don't know where

to hang the towels.



   

                   

I beg to differ.



   

                   

Beg to differ? A bloodsucker, right?

I'm talkin' about my towels.



   

                   

[Clears Throat]



   

                   

Greetings!

I... am the Count.



   

                   

- Damn!

-  [Band]



   

                   

[Angry Muttering]



   

                   

A bum is what he is. I told you

we should've got Karloff!



   

                   

- Ah, don't worry about it, Bela.

You're better than all this.

- I never said I could ad-lib.



   

                   

- Forget it! We'll make our own movie

and you'll be a big star again.

- Aha!



   

                   

Mr Lugosi, it is an unparalleled

privilege to meet you, sir.



   

                   

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Criswell.



   

                   

It's a pleasure.



   

                   

Ahh, cheer up. Don't lose heart

over what happened tonight.



   

                   

I predict... your next project will

be an outstanding success!



   

                   

Wow!



   

                   

And who may you be?



   

                   

- Edward D. Wood,Jr.

- Ahh!



   

                   

- The director of Glen Or Glenda?

- How'd you know?



   

                   

I am Criswell.

I know all.



   

                   

-  [Latin]

- [Criswell, Faint]



   

                   

-  [Continues]

- And bingo! Thank you,

thank you, thank you.



   

                   

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Bring me two more Beefeater martinis.



   

                   

Ed, uh, another whisky.



   

                   

Dagmar, a rum and coke?



   

                   

Moustapha and King are Chablis.



   

                   

Bela, would you like a wine?



   

                   

No.

I never drink... wine.



   

                   

[Laughing]



   

                   

Say, Cris, how'd you know we'd be

living on Mars by       ?



   

                   

- I guessed.

- Really?



   

                   

I made it up.



   

                   

It's horse shit.



   

                   

Eddie, there's no such thing

as a psychic.



   

                   

People believe my folderol

because I wear a black tuxedo.



   

                   

- It's that easy?

- Eddie, we're in show biz.



   

                   

It's all about razzle-dazzle,

appearances.



   

                   

If you look good and you talk well,

people will swallow anything.



   

                   

We are going to have the most terrifying

monster ever seen on film.



   

                   

A ghastly creature created

from an atomic mutation!



   

                   

I don't like

scary movies.



   

                   

I like the ones

with love stories.



   

                   

That's just what this movie is:

a heartbreaking romance.



   

                   

You're quite a specimen.



   

                   

- And you're going to be in the picture?

- Yeah. I play Lobo.



   

                   

I predict Bride Ofi The Atom will be

the biggest moneymaker of all time.



   

                   

And this is lovely starlet Dolores

Fuller, who will play Janet Lawton.



   

                   

My pleasure, ma'am. Now,

how much will this picture cost?



   

                   

Well, in a normal studio it'd be

about a million bucks...



   

                   

with all their wasteful overhead

and fancy offices.



   

                   

But we're more efficient, so we could

bring it in at about    grand.



   

                   

Oh. Well, I shall

certainly consider it.



   

                   

- [Ed] Well, goodbye.

- [Man] Good night, Ed. Keep in touch.



   

                   

Goodbye.



   

                   

Well, Eddie, how'd we do?



   

                   

We didn't make a nickel.



   

                   

[Woman]

I cannot believe I'm in Hollywood.



   

                   

- You know, Daddy didn't

want me to move out here.

- [Bartender] Uh-huh.



   

                   

Ma'am, your bill

comes to $  .  .



   

                   

Oh. Uh, okay.

I hope you don't mind...



   

                   

but all I have is a fiifty;

I just came firom my banker's.



   

                   

- That's all right.

- Thank you.



   

                   

Excuse me.

You just moved here?



   

                   

Yes. Hollywood is,

oh, so exciting.



   

                   

- Isn't it?

- [Giggles]



   

                   

Pleased to make your acquaintance.

I'm Loretta King.



   

                   

Edward D. Wood,Jr.



   

                   

- [Bartender] Hi.

Would you like some water?

- No!



   

                   

No water.

No liquids.



   

                   

I'm terribly

allergic to them.



   

                   

You know, I work in Hollywood.

I'm a producer.



   

                   

Really? Wow!



   

                   

I would love to be

involved in that.



   

                   

Is that right?

Well, maybe I can help you out.



   

                   

Have you ever thought about

investing in a motion picture?



   

                   

Perhaps a small amount of money.

How much do your motion pictures cost?



   

                   

Well, my new one, I think,

would be about $     .



   

                   

That's all? That seems very reasonable

for an entire picture.



   

                   

[Chuckles]



   

                   

Would you...

Would you like to, uh...



   

                   

- have a look at the... at the photoplay?

- Oh, sure.



   

                   

Oh, my.



   

                   

This is very interesting.



   

                   

Say, do you think it would be possible

for me to maybe play one of these parts?



   

                   

Oh, you want to be an actress too.

Well, of course.



   

                   

There's a couple of parts I can think of

right now that you might be perfect for.



   

                   

There's, uh, the secretary in the

newspaper office, the file clerk, um...



   

                   

Hmm. Those sound kind of small.



   

                   

Here's one that looks good...

Janet Lawton.



   

                   

I'd sure like to play her.



   

                   

-Janet Lawton.

- Yes.



   

                   

Janet Lawton is clearly

the part to play.



   

                   

Can't you just see me

in the part?



   

                   

Yes!



   

                   

You'd be perfect.



   

                   

You bastard!



   

                   

You two-timing,

dress-wearing son of a bitch!



   

                   

Honey, it was the only way

I could get the movie made!



   

                   

Who do you think's

been paying the rent?



   

                   

Who's been helping you type your scripts

and do all your grunt work?



   

                   

- I am sorry!

What did you want me to say?

- You were supposed to say...



   

                   

"No. I wrote that part for

my girlfriend Dolores!"



   

                   

Snowball, there are

plenty of other parts.



   

                   

Like what?



   

                   

- The secretary, the file clerk.

- Aaaaah!



   

                   

You... asshole!



   

                   

This is gonna be Bela's laboratory,

so it should be real impressive...



   

                   

just like one of those

"Mad Scientist" movies.



   

                   

I want test tubes, beakers and one

of those electrical things that buzzes.



   

                   

- You mean a Tesla coil?

- Fine. Whatever. Hop to it!



   

                   

Right! Right.



   

                   

- Eddie?

- Yes?



   

                   

- Which dress do you like better?

- Hmm. I don't know.



   

                   

Say, Bill, which dress works better

for you, the red one or the green one?



   

                   

- Which one is the red one?

- What do you mean?



   

                   

I mean, I can't see the difference;

I'm colour blind.



   

                   

But I kinda like

the dark grey one.



   

                   

At Universal, we used to shoot one

or two scenes a day.



   

                   

But Eddie can knock off

twenty, thirty.



   

                   

- He's incredible!

- [Ed] And... action!



   

                   

Okay, you're Dr Eric Vornoff...



   

                   

and you're upset.



   

                   

You've worked very hard

on this experiment and you

don't want to see it fail.



   

                   

N-No, you're not

that upset.



   

                   

You wanna keep moving.

You wanna go through that door.



   

                   

And... cut!

Beautiful.



   

                   

Print it. Let's move immediately

to scene   .



   

                   

- Tor, you in place?

- [Tor] Yeah.



   

                   

- Great. Roll camera!

- Rolling. Slate.



   

                   

- Cue rainstorm.

- [Water Dripping]



   

                   

And... action, Tor.



   

                   

Okay.

You're Lobo.



   

                   

You're upset.



   

                   

You've worked very hard helping

Dr Vornoff with this experiment.



   

                   

You don't wanna

see it fail.



   

                   

No, no.

You're not that upset.



   

                   

You wanna keep moving.

You've got to get through that door.



   

                   

And cut!

Perfect!



   

                   

- Print it. Let's move on.

- Don't you wanna do another take, Ed?



   

                   

Looks like big baldy had a little

trouble gettin' through the door.



   

                   

No, it's fine.

It's real.



   

                   

You know, in actuality, Lobo would have

to struggle with that problem every day.



   

                   

All right, people, let's get ready.

Actors! I must have my actors!



   

                   

There you are. Loretta, Tor,

I wanna explain this scene;

it's a little complicated, but...



   

                   

- Bela, you'll be sitting there. Okay?

- [Electricity Buzzing]



   

                   

I'm not getting near

that goddam thing.



   

                   

- One of them burned me

on The Return Ofi Chandu.

- All right.



   

                   

- Then you'll be sitting there.

- Good.



   

                   

Great. All right, gang,

here's the scene.



   

                   

Loretta, you're in a trance; you glide

in and get on the operating table.



   

                   

Now, Tor, you're supposed to tie her

down, but you have an angora fetish...



   

                   

and when you rub that swatch

of angora, it makes you refuse.



   

                   

So then Bela has to discipline you.

All right? Great! Let's do it!



   

                   

Action!



   

                   

Strap her to the table.



   

                   

Do as I command you!



   

                   

- I'll teach you to disobey me!

- Aaaargh!



   

                   

- You will obey!

- Uhhhh!



   

                   

- Strap her in!

- Uhhhh!



   

                   

Strap her in!

I command you!



   

                   

- Wood! Your cheque bounced.

- I'll get you the money later.



   

                   

- No, I need it now.

- [Bela] I'll teach you to disobey me!



   

                   

Cut!



   

                   

I am terribly sorry to bother you

while you're shooting...



   

                   

but the guy that owns the stage

needs his money.



   

                   

Well, then, you should

pay him, shouldn't you?



   

                   

Yes. Exactly.



   

                   

I kind of need it now.



   

                   

W-What are you looking at me

like that for?



   

                   

I already gave you

my three hundred.



   

                   

Right.



   

                   

And now I need

the other sixty thousand.



   

                   

What other sixty thousand?



   

                   

The other sixty thousand

you said you'd give to me.



   

                   

You misunderstood, Eddie.



   

                   

I gave you everything I have in

the world... three hundred dollars.



   

                   

Well, here we go again.



   

                   

[Ed] Let me tell ya,

ya can't lose.



   

                   

It's scary. And if you don't like that,

it's romantic.



   

                   

Bela Lugosi will portray

Dr Eric Vornoff.



   

                   

And lovely, lovely, lovely

ingenue Loretta King...



   

                   

is reporter Janet Lawton.



   

                   

- I don't know. Lugosi looks pretty old.

- Huh?



   

                   

Which role

does Vampira play?



   

                   

Vampira?

Why do you ask?



   

                   

She's standing

right over there.



   

                   

Well, she plays...



   

                   

Excuse me one minute.



   

                   

- [Woman Laughing]

- Pardon me. Miss Vampira?



   

                   

-Yes?

- You don't know me, but I'm Ed Wood.



   

                   

I'm a film producer and I'm currently in

production on a science fiction piece...



   

                   

with Bela Lugosi and Swedish

wrestler Tor Johnson.



   

                   

I don't understand.

Do you want my autograph?



   

                   

No.



   

                   

No, l... I think my film

is perfect for you.



   

                   

Want me to show it on my TV programme.

I have nothing to do with that.



   

                   

- You should call the station

manager at Channel  .

- No, no. No, no, no, no.



   

                   

I don't want you to show the movie,

I want you to be in it. Let me explain.



   

                   

We started shooting, but after

three days we got shut down.



   

                   

Now we're having a backers party

to raise some more money.



   

                   

So I thought perhaps you'd like

to come over just to say "howdy"

to some of the backers.



   

                   

Look, I'm with some friends

and we're about to eat.



   

                   

Please! It would

just take one second.



   

                   

Come over and meet the backers. There

is a really nice dentist firom Oxnard.



   

                   

Look, buddy, I've got real offers

from real studios.



   

                   

I don't need to blow some dentist

for a part. Forget it.



   

                   

Miss Vampira!



   

                   

- Please.

- Ohh! Let's go.



   

                   

I'm getting a bad feeling about this.

Let's get out of here.



   

                   

Yeah, I think

you're right.



   

                   

Thank you, folks, for comin' tonight,

but we better go.



   

                   

And then Dr Vornoff

falls into the pit...



   

                   

and his own octopus

attacks and eats him.



   

                   

- The end.

- Whew!



   

                   

- Well, that's quite a story.

- Yes.



   

                   

So, uh, you made the movie...



   

                   

and now you wanna

make it again?



   

                   

No.



   

                   

We shot ten minutes of the movie, and

now we're looking for completion funds.



   

                   

Oh, son, you're too vague.



   

                   

- [Machine Starting, Whirring]

- Billy Bob!



   

                   

You're cuttin' 'em

too lean.



   

                   

Mr McCoy.



   

                   

- How can I make you happy?

- [Spits]



   

                   

Okay.



   

                   

Two things.



   

                   

Number one: I want the movie

to end with a big explosion.



   

                   

Sky full of smoke.



   

                   

Yes.



   

                   

But it ends with Dr Vornoff

falling into the pit.



   

                   

Not any more.



   

                   

Number two.



   

                   

I got a son.



   

                   

He's a little slow,

but a good boy.



   

                   

And somethin' tells me

he'd make a helluva leadin' man.



   

                   

Sounds perfect.



   

                   

This is unbelievable.



   

                   

I woulda bet a million bucks that

Ed wouldn't finish this picture.



   

                   

Yeah, well, it ain't finished yet, kid;

anything can happen.



   

                   

Stay out of

scratching distance.



   

                   

- Poodle, you made it. I wasn't

sure you got my message.

- Well, of course I made it.



   

                   

- Today's the file clerk's big scene.

- That's right.



   

                   

I see the usual gang of misfits

and dope addicts are here.



   

                   

- [Man] Janet, I want you...

- Say, who's the lug?



   

                   

Str... I want you staying away

from the old Willows place.



   

                   

Why, that's Tony McCoy. He will be

portraying Lieutenant Dick Craig.



   

                   

- [Tony Continues Fumbling Lines]

- Really.



   

                   

- How much money did he put up?

- None. But his dad gave me fifty grand.



   

                   

Hmm. Wood Productions,

the mark of quality.



   

                   

Listen, the movie's getting made;

that's all that matters.



   

                   

- Hello, Harry.

- Oh, hi, Dolores.



   

                   

Oh!

You're Dolores.



   

                   

I've heard so much about you.



   

                   

I'm Loretta King.

Oh, here, take the chair.



   

                   

Oh, don't be silly.

Let Harry finish.



   

                   

You still need

some more work.



   

                   

No. I'm finished.



   

                   

- All I needed was a touch-up.

- Hmm. That mole still shows.



   

                   

Uh, ladies!

You both look fine.



   

                   

Why don't we talk

about the scene?



   

                   

Okay,Janet Lawton

has just discovered...



   

                   

that Dr Vornoff bought

the old Willows estate...



   

                   

so now she wants to prove that

all the monster stories are true.



   

                   

Well, Eddie,

what's my motivation?



   

                   

You're the file clerk. You're running

into the next room and bump into Janet.



   

                   

What is our relationship?

Are we good friends, or is she

just a casual acquaintance?



   

                   

Dolores, I have five days

to complete this picture.



   

                   

Don't get goofy on me.



   

                   

Action!



   

                   

- Hi,Janet.

- Oh, hi, Marge.



   

                   

-Janet, still on the monster hunt?

- What do you think?



   

                   

I think the boss has been

looking for you all day.



   

                   

Something about the police wanting

those monster stories   'd.



   

                   

- You've got the whole town in a panic.

- I can't hear you.



   

                   

- I said, you've got the who...

- I know what you said,

but I can't hear you.



   

                   

I get it.

See ya later.



   

                   

And... cut!

That was perfect.



   

                   

Of course it was.



   

                   

Bra-vo!

Bravo!



   

                   

- Magnifiico.

- Cris, you made it. Thanks a lot.



   

                   

Naturally. Always happy to help

with a little larceny.



   

                   

All right, everybody,

that's it for today.



   

                   

The prop crew has a little errand

to run. Paul. Connie.



   

                   

Darn. I thought they kept this open.



   

                   

[Tor]

Lobo will fiix.



   

                   

Good boy.



   

                   

- [Connie] Wow!

- [paul] This place

gives me the creeps.



   

                   

- Let's get the hell outta here.

- Not so fast. Not 'til we get it down.



   

                   

There it is.

paul, go unhook it.



   

                   

Right.



   

                   

Fantastic.



   

                   

It's beautifiul.



   

                   

- You sure this is gonna work?

- Yes.



   

                   

- [Creaking]

- You sure?



   

                   

[Ed]

Yes, hurry. Do it.



   

                   

[Criswell]

My God!



   

                   

We killed him.



   

                   

Tor?



   

                   

Better than wrestling.



   

                   

Lights!



   

                   

[Tony, Reading]

"Now, Janet, I want you stayin'away...



   

                   

"firom that old Willows place.

I want...



   

                   

"Now,Janet, I w...



   

                   

- Great.

- "I want you...



   

                   

- Connie!

- I want you staying away..."



   

                   

- The octopus has to live in the lake.

- This is kind of a stream.



   

                   

No!

It has to be underwater.



   

                   

Let me look at this.

Okay.



   

                   

Go set up

by the lake.



   

                   

Eddie.

I'm so tired.



   

                   

I don't know if I can handle

a night shoot.



   

                   

- Nonsense. You look great.

- [Sighs]



   

                   

All right, look.



   

                   

Why don't you have a nice nap and

we'll shoot around you a little while.



   

                   

- Thanks, buddy.

- You're welcome.



   

                   

All right, you kids.



   

                   

Hey, this is looking

fantastic!



   

                   

Paul, where's

the octopus motor?



   

                   

- What octopus motor?

- To make his legs move.



   

                   

Don't blame me! You didn't say anything

about a motor when I was on the ceiling!



   

                   

What's he talking...



   

                   

Paul lost

the octopus motor.



   

                   

All right,

let's shoot this fucker.



   

                   

Great.



   

                   

Where do I go?



   

                   

- You'll be fighting with the octopus.

- Out there?



   

                   

- Yes.

- What happened to the stream?



   

                   

Well, this is gonna

look a lot better.



   

                   

We have to match it to the stock footage

of the octopus underwater.



   

                   

Aw, for Christ's sake.



   

                   

Ehh.



   

                   

- Goddam, it's cold!

- It'll warm up once you're in it.



   

                   

Fuck you!

You come out here!



   

                   

Hey!

Throw me that whisky!



   

                   

Ahh. How do you

turn this on?



   

                   

Well... somebody misplaced

the octopus motor...



   

                   

so when you get in there and fight

with him, shake his legs around.



   

                   

Looks like he's killin' ya.

Okay.



   

                   

[Sighs]



   

                   

You know I turned down

Frankenstein?



   

                   

- What?

- After I did Dracula...



   

                   

the studio offered me Frankenstein,

but I turned it down.



   

                   

part wasn't sexy enough.



   

                   

Too degrading

for a big star like me.



   

                   

Bela... I have    scenes

to shoot tonight.



   

                   

Oh. Sorry.

Don't let me slow you down.



   

                   

Okay. All right.



   

                   

[Ed]

All right.



   

                   

All right,

let's put it on film!



   

                   

- [Ed] Camera!

- [Bill] We're rolling!



   

                   

- Sound!

- Ed, we don't have sound.



   

                   

Oh.



   

                   

And... action!



   

                   

[Screaming]



   

                   

[Screaming Continues]



   

                   

And... cut!



   

                   

That was perfect!



   

                   

[Ed] Come on!

Come on, troops!



   

                   

Have a nice cup o' joe,

you'll feel much better.



   

                   

All right.

All right, Harry.



   

                   

Mr Wood? I only got one hour

of sleep last night.



   

                   

Yeah, well, I got no sleep, and I feel

great. Go get' em, kid, go get 'em.



   

                   

- I'm gettin' too old for this.

- Great work, Bill.



    

                   

Go ahead.

Go get 'em.



    

                   

Be careful.

Don't hurt him.



    

                   

Don't scratch

the tentacles.



    

                   

Bela...



    

                   

I wanna thank you again

for last night.



    

                   

That's fine, Eddie.

All in the line of duty.



    

                   

No, no, I want you to know how much

I appreciate all you've done for me.



    

                   

A great man like yourself

shouldn't have to be wandering

through the muck at  :   a.m.



    

                   

Well, there are not a lot of fellas

I'd do it for. [Chuckles]



    

                   

Say, I wrote something

special for ya.



    

                   

I got to thinkin' about all

the sacrifices you've made and l...



    

                   

Well, I wrote you a...



    

                   

a new final speech.



    

                   

Well, this is

quite a scene, Eddie.



    

                   

I know it's a lot to give you

at the last minute, Bela, but...



    

                   

These lines...



    

                   

I'll have no problem

remembering.



    

                   

Great.



    

                   

All right, kids,

let's knock 'em dead.



    

                   

My dear

Professor Strowski...



    

                   

twenty years ago I was banned

from my homeland.



    

                   

I was classed as a madman, a charlatan.



    

                   

Outlawed in the world

ofi science...



    

                   

which previously

honoured me as a genius.



    

                   

Now here...



    

                   

in this forsaken

jungle hell...



    

                   

I have proven

that I am all right!



    

                   

Yes!



    

                   

The authorities have learned

how correct your findings were.



    

                   

So I am here...



    

                   

to bring you home.



    

                   

Home?



    

                   

I have no home.



    

                   

Hunted.



    

                   

Despised.



    

                   

Living like an animal.



    

                   

The jungle is my home.



    

                   

But I shall

show the world...



    

                   

that I can be its master!



    

                   

I shall perfect

my own race of people...



    

                   

a race

of atomic supermen...



    

                   

that will conquer

the world!



    

                   

[Sinister Laughter]



    

                   

Cut.



    

                   

That's a wrap.



    

                   

 [Samba]



    

                   

Glen Or Glenda?

Now, that was

a hell of a picture.



    

                   

Yeah, but this new one is gonna be

a million times better.



    

                   

Is that possible?



    

                   

ܢ ["Que Sera Sera"]



    

                   

Mr Bunny, what's wrong?



    

                   

I heard you were

becoming a lady.



    

                   

Oh, that.



    

                   

Mexico...



    

                   

was...



    

                   

a nightmare.



    

                   

We got into a car accident;

he was killed.



    

                   

Our luggage...



    

                   

was stolen.



    

                   

The surgeon

turned out to be...



    

                   

a quack.



    

                   

If it hadn't been

for these men...



    

                   

I don't know...



    

                   

how I would've...



    

                   

survived.



    

                   

-  [Rapid Drums]

- [people Screaming, Laughing]



    

                   

 [Drums Continue]



    

                   

ܢ [Organ:

East Indian Theme]



    

                   

[Cheering, Applause]



    

                   

Oh, wow!



    

                   

 [Continues]



    

                   

ܢ [Finishes]



    

                   

You people are insane!



    

                   

You're wasting your lives

making shit!



    

                   

Nobody cares!

These movies are terrible!



    

                   

Dolores!



    

                   

Ed, it's over.

I need a normal life.



    

                   

- Did you really mean

those things you sa...

- I'm tired of living like this.



    

                   

- But, Poodle...

- I just stuck it out so

you could finish your movie...



    

                   

and now that's it's done,

so am I.



    

                   

[Vampira On TV] Ooh, that was

so scary, it gave me goose bumps.



    

                   

[Goose Honking]



    

                   

No, dummy, I didn't say "goose,"

I said "goose bumps."



    

                   

Well, be sure to join me next week

for The Mummy's Curse.



    

                   

Until then,

pleasant nightmares.



    

                   

- [Blows Kiss]

-  [Theme]



    

                   

 [Continues]



    

                   

- [Floor Director] Okay,

fiolks, we're ofifi the air.

- [Man] That was a good show.



    

                   

God, this show

needs better jokes.



    

                   

- You got a phone call.

- Who is it?



    

                   

I don't know.



    

                   

- Hello.

- Vampira? Ed Wood here.



    

                   

- Who?

- Ed Wood.



    

                   

-Remember, I met you at the Brown Derby?

-Oh, yeah, you.



    

                   

Listen, I was wondering if you'd like to

go out sometime, grab some dinner maybe.



    

                   

- You mean a date?

I thought you were a fag.

- No, I'm just a transvestite.



    

                   

So, how's about

Friday night?



    

                   

Look, you seem like a nice guy,

but you're just not my type.



    

                   

But keep in touch. Let me know

when your movie opens.



    

                   

[TV]

[Test pattern Tone]



    

                   

- [Rings]

- Hello?



    

                   

Eddie, help me.



    

                   

Bela?



    

                   

[Sighs]



    

                   

- [Dog Barking]

- Bela.



    

                   

[Dog Whines]



    

                   

- [Knocking]

- Bela!



    

                   

What do you want?



    

                   

You called me.

Remember?



    

                   

What are you doing,

Bela?



    

                   

I'm going

to kill myself.



    

                   

- [Whining]

- My gosh, what happened?



    

                   

[Bela Groans]



    

                   

[Wheezing]

Eddie.



    

                   

[Panting]



    

                   

I got a letter

from the government.



    

                   

They're cancelling

my...



    

                   

unemployment.



    

                   

It's all I've got.



    

                   

Without it,

I can't pay the rent.



    

                   

Don't you have

any savings?



    

                   

Eddie, I'm obsolete.



    

                   

I have nothing

to live for.



    

                   

Tonight, I shall die.



    

                   

Eddie!



    

                   

- You should come with me.

- [Hammer Cocks]



    

                   

- I don't think that's such a good idea.

- It's a wonderful idea.



    

                   

It'll be wonderful!

We'll be at peace!



    

                   

In the afterlife, you don't have

to worry about finding work.



    

                   

Bela...



    

                   

I'm on your side.



    

                   

Gimme the gun.



    

                   

If you give me the gun...



    

                   

I'll make you a drink.



    

                   

What are you drinking,

Bela?



    

                   

Formaldehyde.



    

                   

Straight up,

or on the rocks?



    

                   

Eddie.



    

                   

I'm sorry.



    

                   

I'm so sorry.



    

                   

Don't worry, Bela.



    

                   

- I'm sorry, Eddie. [Sobbing]

- Everything will be okay.



    

                   

[Gasps] Oh, my goodness,

you gave me the willies!



    

                   

You look like

that Dracula guy.



    

                   

My name is Bela Lugosi...



    

                   

and I wish

to commit myself.



    

                   

For what reason?



    

                   

I have been a drug addict

for twenty years.



    

                   

I need help.



    

                   

[Bela Screaming]



    

                   

[Screaming Continues]



    

                   

Is that angora?



    

                   

Um, yes.



    

                   

Don't you think angora

has a tactile sensuality...



    

                   

lacking

in all other clothing?



    

                   

Yeah, I suppose.



    

                   

It is awfully

expensive.



    

                   

Well, it's made from

specially-bred rabbits...



    

                   

that live

in the Himalayas.



    

                   

Say, what are you,

an angora wholesaler?



    

                   

No.



    

                   

No.



    

                   

I'm in pictures.



    

                   

I'm a director, writer,

actor and producer.



    

                   

Aw, come on.

Nobody does all that.



    

                   

Oh, yes, they do.

Two people.



    

                   

Orson Welles and me.



    

                   

Wow.



    

                   

- Whatcha makin'?

- Booties. For my father.



    

                   

- Gets cold in the hospital.

- Mmm.



    

                   

- Has he been here long?

- This is my thirteenth pair.



    

                   

- [Door Closes]

- Excuse me.



    

                   

Excuse me, Doctor.



    

                   

I'm with Mr Lugosi.

How is he?



    

                   

Well, there's a lot of junk in

his system for such an old man.



    

                   

Apparently he was

addicted to morphine.



    

                   

He tried to kick that and he got

readdicted to methadone.



    

                   

- Is he gonna be okay?

- We'll do our best.



    

                   

- Hi, Lillian.

- Oh, hi, Ed. He's got

a lot of visitors today.



    

                   

- He does?

- Mm-hmm.



    

                   

- [Reporters Talking]

- [Reporter] Smile. That's it!



    

                   

- [Ed] Hey! Hey!

- One more picture, sir?



    

                   

- Do the doctors say you're

gonna get outta here?

- [Ed] Freaks!



    

                   

Get outta here!

Get outta here!



    

                   

What is wrong with you people?

Come on, trash barrel!



    

                   

[Reporter]

Hey!



    

                   

Bela, what happened?



    

                   

Eddie, why did you

chase them?



    

                   

After all these years, the press is

finally interested again in Bela Lugosi.



    

                   

Bela...



    

                   

those people are parasites;

they just wanna exploit you.



    

                   

Fine. Let them.



    

                   

There is no such thing

as bad press, Eddie.



    

                   

Man firom New York even said

he's putting me on the firont page.



    

                   

First celebrity ever to check

into rehab. [Coughs]



    

                   

When I get out of here...



    

                   

I will be healthy...



    

                   

strong...



    

                   

primed for my comeback...

[Coughs Loudly]



    

                   

[Coughing Continues]



    

                   

[Footsteps]



    

                   

Hello again.



    

                   

- Hi.

- You look beat.



    

                   

No, l-I'm fine.

How's your father?



    

                   

Better. Thank you for asking.

And your friend?



    

                   

[Sighs]

Not good.



    

                   

Well, I made him some booties

to cheer him up.



    

                   

They're black,

to match his cape.



    

                   

Say, have you always

lived in Los Angeles?



    

                   

No, I'm from back east.

Poughkeepsie.



    

                   

You know... all-American small town;

everybody knows everybody;



    

                   

my dad worked for the post office;

I was a Boy Scout.



    

                   

- Did you find it boring?

- No, not at all.



    

                   

I had my comic books

and pulp magazines.



    

                   

- Used to listen

to radio dramas constantly.

- I love those shows.



    

                   

- The Shadow, Inner Sanctum.

- Yes.



    

                   

- And the Mercury Theater

with Orson Welles.

- Mmm.



    

                   

Boy, you know, every Saturday

afternoon me and my dad...



    

                   

marched down the street in our uniform

to the little movie theatre.



    

                   

[Gasps]

Oh, the spook house!



    

                   

[Girl Screaming]



    

                   

[Ghost Moaning]



    

                   

- [Hisses]

- Aah!



    

                   

- [Knocking]

- Aaaarrr!



    

                   

You're not gonna believe

the first picture I ever saw.



    

                   

It was your friend's...

Dracula.



    

                   

- That's incredible; that's

the first picture I ever saw.

- That is incredible.



    

                   

- You know, I had to sleep

with the lights on for a week.

- I had to for a month.



    

                   

But I never missed a Lugosi picture

after that one.



    

                   

A few years ago I actually saw him

do Dracula live.



    

                   

It was much scarier

in person.



    

                   

- [High-pitched Scream,

Tape Winds Down]

- [Ed] Oh. We're stuck.



    

                   

Kathy...



    

                   

I'm about to tell you something that

I never told any girl on a first date.



    

                   

But I think it's important

that you know...



    

                   

I like to wear

women's clothes.



    

                   

- Huh?

- I like to wear women's clothes.



    

                   

Panties, brassieres,

sweaters, pumps.



    

                   

It's just

something I do.



    

                   

Yes, I can't believe I'm telling

you this, but I really like you...



    

                   

and I don't want it getting

in the way down the road.



    

                   

Does this mean...

you don't like sex with girls?



    

                   

No, I love sex

with girls.



    

                   

Okay.



    

                   

Okay?



    

                   

Okay.



    

                   

- [Electricity Buzzes]

- [Screaming Continues]



    

                   

You see, we thought that Mr Lugosi

was insured through his union.



    

                   

- Isn't he?

- No, they say his eligibility

ran out years ago.



    

                   

Look, Doctor...



    

                   

he doesn't have

any money.



    

                   

But I'll give you everything I've got;

a few hundred dollars.



    

                   

That won't even begin to cover it.

He's gonna have to leave.



    

                   

Bela?

Bela, wake up.



    

                   

I've got some great news.

The doctor says you're all

better;, you can go home now.



    

                   

Really?



    

                   

I don't feel so great.



    

                   

No? Well, you look

just peachy.



    

                   

And, uh, the tests

came back fiine.



    

                   

Come on, let's get up.



    

                   

Here we go.



    

                   

Atta boy. Good.



    

                   

Eddie...



    

                   

I want to make

another picture.



    

                   

When are we going to

make another picture?



    

                   

Oh... soon, Bela.

Very soon.



    

                   

This is so exciting.

[Chuckles]



    

                   

Another production.



    

                   

Isn't it?



    

                   

So, Eddie, shouldn't we

have a sound crew?



    

                   

Uh, no, no, because this

is just second unit stuff.



    

                   

We're gonna do the main

footage later. All right?



    

                   

So, what's

this scene about?



    

                   

Um...



    

                   

You're a very important

and respected man.



    

                   

And you're leaving your house;

you're in a hurry.



    

                   

You're on your way to

a big social brouhaha. Okay?



    

                   

Eddie. What if I'm not

in so big a hurry?



    

                   

What if I take a moment

to slow down;



    

                   

to savour the beauty of life;



    

                   

to, to smell

a budding flower?



    

                   

That's great.

That is great.



    

                   

Let's do a take.

Okay?



    

                   

- [Men Arguing]

- Ed, I'm really busy.



    

                   

- What do you want now?

- I was calling to see

if you'd like to attend...



    

                   

the world premiere of my new movie,

Bride Ofi The Monster.



    

                   

- Didn't you just make one

called Bride Ofi The Atom?

- Yes, it's the same film.



    

                   

But the distributor

wanted a punchier title.



    

                   

Come on, it's gonna be

a big event; Bela, Tor and Cris

are coming. You'll have fun!



    

                   

[Tor]

Uhh! I can't see.



    

                   

These contact lenses

are hurting.



    

                   

My eyes

are killin' me.



    

                   

Don't worry.

We're almost there.



    

                   

[Nervous Chuckle]



    

                   

[Nervous Chuckle]

Hi.



    

                   

Right in there. Thank God you're here.

They're tearing up the place.



    

                   

Come on, come on.



    

                   

Come on, this way.



    

                   

- [Groans]

- Come on!



    

                   

Come on!



    

                   

- I've never been to

a movie premiere before!

- [Crowd Shouting, Faint]



    

                   

[Booing, Shouting,

Whistling]



    

                   

Well,

go knock 'em dead.



    

                   

[Shouting,

Whistling Continue]



    

                   

- Oooh!

- [Slight Echo, Feedback]



    

                   

At the stroke

of midnight...



    

                   

the witching hour...



    

                   

the ghouls arise...



    

                   

- [Tor Growling]

- firom the dead!



    

                   

[Microphone Feedback]



    

                   

[Growls]



    

                   

- Hey, Vampira, how 'bout a little love!

- Fuck off!



    

                   

- One of them stole my wallet!

- [Growling Continues]



    

                   

- I can't see!

- Get off me! Let's go!



    

                   

- I gotta save 'em!

- [Vampira Grunting]



    

                   

[Ed] Get your heads down!

Come on, let's go! We're

getting the heck outta here!



    

                   

- [Cheering, Shouting Intensify]

- Can't see!



    

                   

[Tor]

I can't see any more!



    

                   

[Rattling]



    

                   

Hey, come on!

Let's split!



    

                   

- Taxi!

- [Tyres Screech]



    

                   

- Stop!

- [Criswell] Get in!

Come on! Go on, get in!



    

                   

Now, that

was a premiere.



    

                   

Eddie...



    

                   

- last night was quite a romp.

- [Laughs]



    

                   

- Did you see that kid

grab Vampira's boobies?

- [Chuckles]



    

                   

I envied him.

Hell, I envied you too.



    

                   

A girlfriend who would jump

in front of a car like that.



    

                   

Yes, she is

quite something.



    

                   

None of my wives

would have.



    

                   

[Chuckles]



    

                   

Eddie,

I want to thank you.



    

                   

These last few days

have been...



    

                   

a good time.



    

                   

You know, I just...



    

                   

- I just wish you coulda seen the movie.

- Ahh.



    

                   

No problem.



    

                   

I know it by heart.



    

                   

Home.



    

                   

I have no home.



    

                   

Hunted.



    

                   

Despised.



    

                   

Living like an animal.



    

                   

The jungle is my home.



    

                   

But I shall

show the world...



    

                   

that I can be its master!



    

                   

I shall perfect my own race

of people...



    

                   

a race

of atomic supermen...



    

                   

that will conquer the world!



    

                   

[Applause]



    

                   

Uh, Mr Lugosi, could I have

your autograph, please?



    

                   

- Certainly.

- Why, that was... That was incredible.



    

                   

- I mean, you're just

as great as you ever were.

- Better.



    

                   

I am    

but I don't know it.



    

                   

When the brain is young...



    

                   

the spirit is still...

vigorous...



    

                   

like...

like a young man.



    

                   

[Chuckles]



    

                   

"And left the planet Mars...



    

                   

never to return again."



    

                   

- [Giggles]

- The end.



    

                   

- Mmm.

- [Telephone Rings]



    

                   

Wood Productions.



    

                   

Hey, who's crazy idea was it

to bury him in the cape?



    

                   

I heard it was in the will; it was how

he wanted to be remembered.



    

                   

[Scoffs]



    

                   

Could you run it again?



    

                   

Mr Wood.



    

                   

- Huh?

- Uh, Mr Wood, this is Mr Reynolds,

your landlord.



    

                   

Could you please open up?



    

                   

One minute.



    

                   

- Yes?

- Uh, Mr Wood, you have bounced

your third and final rent cheque.



    

                   

I'm terribly sorry.



    

                   

My-My stockbroker must've transferred

the wrong account.



    

                   

- Come on in.

I'll write you another cheque.

- [Dogs Whining, Yipping]



    

                   

Ahh. I see you're in

the picture business.



    

                   

-Yes.

-I'm interested in the picture business.



    

                   

My associates and l, we wish to produce

a series of uplifting religious films...



    

                   

about the apostles.



    

                   

But unfortunately,

we don't have enough money.



    

                   

Well, raising money's tough.



    

                   

No, our church has

enough money for one film.



    

                   

We just don't have enough

for all twelve.



    

                   

Well, you know

what you do?



    

                   

You produce a film in

a commercially-proven genre...



    

                   

and then after it's a hit,

you take the profits from that

and make the     apostles movies.



    

                   

- Would that work?

- Absolutely.



    

                   

Let me show you

something.



    

                   

You see this script?



    

                   

Grave Robbers From Outer Space.



    

                   

Money in the bank.



    

                   

Grave robbers from what?



    

                   

From outer space. It's science fiction.

Very big with the kids.



    

                   

If you make this picture, you'll

have enough money to finance

a hundred religious films...



    

                   

and pay my back rent

with the profits.



    

                   

I don't know. This is, um,

all a lot to absorb.



    

                   

It's a guaranteed blockbuster.



    

                   

Mmm.



    

                   

I understand this science fiction is

very popular, but, um...



    

                   

don't the big hits

always have big stars?



    

                   

-Well, we have a big star... Bela Lugosi.

-Bela Lugosi...



    

                   

Oh, I thought

he passed on.



    

                   

Yes.

Yes, he did.



    

                   

But...



    

                   

-I've got the last footage he ever shot.

-Doesn't look like very much.



    

                   

Mr Reynolds, this is the acorn

that will grow a great oak.



    

                   

I'll just get a double

to finish his scenes...



    

                   

and we'll release it

as Bela Lugosi's final film.



    

                   

Bunny?

We're makin' another movie.



    

                   

Yes, I got the Baptist Church of

Beverly Hills to put up the cash.



    

                   

- [Knocking]

- [paul] Ed, I got

the Lugosi doubles outside.



    

                   

Bunny, I gotta go.



    

                   

He's too short.



    

                   

He's too tall.



    

                   

He's just not

going to work.



    

                   

Well, Ed, I was thinkin' like

when Bela played Fu Manchu.



    

                   

- Paul, that was Karloff.

- Oh.



    

                   

- You're gonna have to try harder.

- Okay.



    

                   

- Try to be a cut above. Go get 'em.

- Okay. Right.



    

                   

Keep Sunday open; the producers

want us to get baptised. Okay.



    

                   

[Door Closes]



    

                   

You know, hon, when you rewrite a

script, it just gets better and better.



    

                   

This is the ultimate Ed Wood movie.

No compromises.



    

                   

Oh, my.



    

                   

- Eddie, look at this.

- Hmm?



    

                   

What?



    

                   

Poor girl's

out of a job.



    

                   

I brought the script. You'll be

portraying the ghoul's wife.



    

                   

- The ghoul's wife?

- Yes.



    

                   

- [Sighs]

- You should feel lucky.



    

                   

Eddie's the only fella in town who

doesn't pass judgement on people.



    

                   

That's right. If I did,

I wouldn't have any friends.



    

                   

Look, would it be possible to make the

ghoul's wife a little less prominent...



    

                   

- so people wouldn't really

notice me in the movie?

- You don't want to be noticed?



    

                   

Yeah. How about this? What if I don't

have any lines? I'll play the part mute.



    

                   

- Mute?

- Hey, it's Dr Tom.



    

                   

- Dr Tom! Hiya!

- Who's Dr Tom?



    

                   

- He's my chiropractor.

- Hey, Kathy. How are you?



    

                   

- Fine, thanks.

- Well, look at you.



    

                   

You're looking

in alignment today.



    

                   

Well, actually, my neck

is a little funny.



    

                   

Now, here,

let me fix that.



    

                   

- [Neck Cracks]

- Ooh!



    

                   

My gosh!



    

                   

Don't move.



    

                   

It's uncanny.



    

                   

Look at his head!

It's uncanny!



    

                   

 [Organ]



    

                   

 Lift up your voice 



    

                   

 And let us sing 



    

                   

 Alleluia, alleluia 



    

                   

-  [Continues]

- He look nothin' like Bela.



    

                   

He's kinda

got his ears.



    

                   

Oh, look.

Cover your face with this.



    

                   

Oh.

Now I can see it.



    

                   

I want to suck

your blood.



    

                   

I want to suck

your blood!



    

                   

- Let's hear you call

Boris Karloff a cocksucker.

- [Snickers]



    

                   

Shh!



    

                   

We want these Baptists

to like us. Please.



    

                   

 Alleluia 



    

                   

Brothers and sisters...



    

                   

we reach now in the service

a joyous point...



    

                   

because we are going to bear witness

to the baptism of our new members.



    

                   

[Whispering]

Why couldn't we do this in the church?



    

                   

Because Brother Tor couldn't fit

in the sacred tub.



    

                   

Welcome to the fold,

brother.



    

                   

- Do you accept Jesus Christ

as your personal saviour?

- Yes!



    

                   

In the name of the Father,

the Son and the Holy Ghost.



    

                   

- Amen.

- [Spits]



    

                   

Welcome to the fold,

brother. Welcome.



    

                   

Praise the Lord,

brother.



    

                   

Do you reject Satan

and all his evils?



    

                   

Sure.



    

                   

In the name of the Father,

the Son and the Holy Ghost.



    

                   

[Reverend]

praise the Lord, firiends!



    

                   

- Do you repent fior all your sins?

- [Tor] I do.



    

                   

How do you do it? How do you get

all your friends to get baptised...



    

                   

-just so you can make a monster movie?

- It's not a monster movie.



    

                   

- It's a supernatural thriller.

- Come to Jesus, brother!



    

                   

[Sighs]



    

                   

I can't believe this.



    

                   

- Ed, what am I gonna do here?

- What do you mean?



    

                   

- He has no hair.

- Gee, I never noticed that.

Put a wig on him!



    

                   

Before we start shooting,

Mr Wood, we have a few questions.



    

                   

Yes. The script contains numerous

references to grave robbing.



    

                   

Now, we find the concept of

digging up consecrated ground

to be highly offensive.



    

                   

- It is blasphemy.

- What are you talking about?

It's the premise of the movie.



    

                   

- It's the title of the movie,

for Christ's sakes!

- Mr Wood!



    

                   

Yes, about that title.



    

                   

It strikes us

as very inflammatory.



    

                   

Why don't we change it to

plan   From Outer Space?



    

                   

Ha! That's ridiculous.



    

                   

All right.

And, action!



    

                   

[Camera Whirring]



    

                   

Medical examiner

been around yet?



    

                   

Just left. The morgue wagon oughta

be along most any time.



    

                   

- You get their statement?

- Yeah, but they're pretty scared.



    

                   

Fine mess like this

will frighten anyone.



    

                   

You have

one ofi the boys, uh...



    

                   

take the guy and the girl back to town;

you take charge.



    

                   

What'd you give him all the lines for?

He's unintelligible.



    

                   

Lugosi's dead and Vampira won't talk;

I had to give somebody the dialogue!



    

                   

That is no answer!



    

                   

What about glitter?



    

                   

When I was a headliner

in Paris, audiences always

liked it when I sparkled.



    

                   

No!



    

                   

- Cat's eyes!

- No!



    

                   

- Well, I'm going to need some antennae.

- No!



    

                   

You're the ruler of the galaxy!

Show a little taste!



    

                   

[Ed] See? No talking.

Isn't he good?



    

                   

- Cue Dr Tom.

- N-Now?



    

                   

Yes, now.

Lurk him.



    

                   

Be sure and keep

your face covered.



    

                   

Isn't it wonderful?

Bela lives.



    

                   

Doesn't it strike you

as a bit morbid?



    

                   

No. He would've loved it.



    

                   

Bela's returned

from the grave.



    

                   

Just like Dracula.

Cue Vampira.



    

                   

- [Screaming]

- Cut!



    

                   

Let's go down and fiind out

whose grave it is.



    

                   

Oh, why do I always get hooked up

with these spook details?



    

                   

Monsters, graves, bodies!



    

                   

Cue flying saucer.



    

                   

[Whirring Sound,

Squeaking]



    

                   

And cut! Print.

We're moving on.



    

                   

- That was perfect.

- Perfect? Mr Wood...



    

                   

do you know anything about

the art of film production?



    

                   

Well, I like

to think so.



    

                   

That cardboard headstone

tipped over.



    

                   

This graveyard

is obviously phoney.



    

                   

Nobody will ever

notice that.



    

                   

Filmmaking is not about the tiny

details. It's about the big picture.



    

                   

- [Reynolds] The big picture?

- Yes.



    

                   

How about when the policemen arrived in

daylight, but now it's suddenly night?



    

                   

What do you know? Haven't you

heard of suspension of disbelief?



    

                   

Reverend, I'm here.



    

                   

- Oh. [Chuckling]

- Who is he?



    

                   

This is our choir director.



    

                   

He's gonna play

the young hero.



    

                   

Are you people insane?

I'm the director!



    

                   

I make the casting decisions

around here!



    

                   

I thought this was

a group effort.



    

                   

No!



    

                   

No?



    

                   

They're driving me crazy!



    

                   

These Baptists are...

stupid, stupid, stupid!



    

                   

Okay.

I gotta calm down.



    

                   

Gotta calm down.



    

                   

Gotta calm down.



    

                   

Take a deep breath.



    

                   

Relax.



    

                   

All right, everybody.

Let's get set up for scene      .



    

                   

Move the crypt stage left, and let's

get Tor's make-up effect ready.



    

                   

Mr Wood!



    

                   

- What do you think you're doing?

- I'm directing.



    

                   

Not like that

you're not!



    

                   

Remove that get-up

immediately!



    

                   

You shame our Lord.



    

                   

That's it!

I can't take it!



    

                   

[Tyres Screeching]



    

                   

Take me to the nearest bar,

and make it snappy!



    

                   

Imperial Whisky.



    

                   

[Gasps]



    

                   

Oh, my gosh.



    

                   

Orson Welles.



    

                   

- Excuse me, sir?

- Yes?



    

                   

Um... Well, I'm a young filmmaker

and a real big fan.



    

                   

l... I just wanted

to meet you.



    

                   

My pleasure.

I'm Orson Welles.



    

                   

I'm, uh,

Edward D. Wood,Jr.



    

                   

What you working on?



    

                   

Well, the financing just fell through

for the third time on Don Quixote.



    

                   

You know,

I can't believe it.



    

                   

That sounds just exactly

like my problems.



    

                   

It's the damn money men.

They never know who's a windbag

and who's got the goods.



    

                   

Then they all think

they're directors.



    

                   

Ain't that the truth?

Do you know that I've even

had producers re-cut my movies?



    

                   

- I hate when that happens.

- And they're always trying

to cast their buddies.



    

                   

It doesn't even matter if

they're right for the part.



    

                   

Tell me about it. I'm supposed

to do a thriller at Universal...



    

                   

but they want Charlton Heston

to play a Mexican.



    

                   

Ah, Mr Welles.

Is it all worth it?



    

                   

It is when it works.



    

                   

You know, the one film of mine

where I had total control, Kane?



    

                   

The studio hated it...



    

                   

but they didn't

get to touch a firame.



    

                   

- Ed.

- Yes?



    

                   

Visions are worth

fiighting fior.



    

                   

Why spend your lifie

making someone else's dreams?



    

                   

 [Triumphal Music

Swells]



    

                   

Thank you... Orson.



    

                   

- Mr Reynolds.

- Yes.



    

                   

We are gonna finish this picture

just the way I want it...



    

                   

because you cannot compromise

an artist's vision.



    

                   

- But it's our money.

- And you're gonna make a bundle...



    

                   

but only if you shut up

and let me do things my way.



    

                   

All right, gang. Actors in positions.

Let's finish this picture.



    

                   

Action.



    

                   

[Grunting]



    

                   

Wanna give him a hand?

Keep rolling.



    

                   

[Grunting]



    

                   

[Beeping]



    

                   

Now that's an alien.



    

                   

Action.



    

                   

- What plan will you follow now?

- Plan  .



    

                   

Plan  ?

Ah, yes.



    

                   

Plan   deals with

the resurrection of the dead.



    

                   

Long-distance electrodes shot into

the pineal and pituitary glands...



    

                   

of the recent dead.



    

                   

You know, maybe you guys were right.

"Plan  " is a good title.



    

                   

I want that lightning,

I want those two explosions...



    

                   

- and I've got to have

more shots of the military!

- Right.



    

                   

[Screaming]



    

                   

[Woman Screaming]



    

                   

And cut.



    

                   

All right, friends.

Prepare for scene   .



    

                   

- M-Mr. Wood?

- Yeah?



    

                   

- Where's the cockpit set?

- You're standing in it. Places!



    

                   

But what if we develop

this solenite bomb?



    

                   

Then we'd be

a stronger nation too.



    

                   

"Stronger."

You see?



    

                   

You see?

Your stupid minds.



    

                   

Stupid.

Stupid!



    

                   

- That's all I'm gonna take outta you!

- Oh!



    

                   

Cut!



    

                   

Action.



    

                   

Greetings, my friend.



    

                   

We are all interested

in the future...



    

                   

for that is where you and I are going

to spend the rest of our lives.



    

                   

And remember, my friend:



    

                   

Future events such as these

will effect you in the future.



    

                   

[Explosions]



    

                   

 [Triumphal Music

Swells]



    

                   

And... cut!



    

                   

That's a wrap.



    

                   

Oh!



    

                   

I can't get it up.

It's stuck.



    

                   

Eddie, you're gonna be late

for your own premiere.



    

                   

All right,

forget it.



    

                   

-  [Fanfiare]

- Ladies and gentlemen.



    

                   

You are about to see

an extraordinary motion picture.



    

                   

But befiore it begins, I think we

should all give a hand to the man...



    

                   

without whom we wouldn't

be here tonight.



    

                   

Eddie, take a bow!



    

                   

Thank you.



    

                   

I just wanna say

that this film...



    

                   

is for Bela.



    

                   

[Thunderclap]



    

                   

[Narrator ofi Film]

The griefi ofi his wifie's death...



    

                   

became greater

and greater agony.



    

                   

The home they had

so long shared together...



    

                   

became a tomb...



    

                   

a sweet memory

ofi herjoyous living.



    

                   

The sky to which

he had once looked...



    

                   

was now only a covering

fior her dead body.



    

                   

The ever-beautifiul flowers

she had planted...



    

                   

with her own hands...



    

                   

became nothing more than

the lost roses ofi her cheeks.



    

                   

Confiused by

his great loss...



    

                   

the old man

left that home...



    

                   

never to return again.



    

                   

[Car Tyres Screeching,

Man Screaming]



    

                   

[Siren Wailing]



    

                   

 [Sombre Music On Soundtrack]



    

                   

This is the one.



    

                   

This is the one

I'll be remembered for.



    

                   

Aw, gee, honey,

I'm so happy for ya!



    

                   

Say, let's get married.



    

                   

- Huh?

- Right now. Let's go to Vegas.



    

                   

But, Eddie, it's pouring,

and the car top is stuck.



    

                   

Phooey! It's only

a five-hour drive...



    

                   

and it'll probably stop

by the time we get to the desert.



    

                   

Heck, it'll probably stop by the time

we get around the corner. Let's go.



    

                   

Oh!

[Laughing]



    

                   

[Thunder Rumbling]



    

                   

[Thunderclap]



    

                   

[Thunderclap]











 

  

  

 
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