Eddie Izzard: Dress To Kill Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Eddie Izzard: Dress To Kill script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the transvestite comedy concert movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Eddie Izzard: Dress To Kill. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Eddie Izzard: Dress To Kill Script



'San Francisco.



'Town city of gleaming spires.

People live here.



'Golden Gate Bridge.



'The Romans came here.

They built buildings with things.



'Ducks. Cows. Cows who look weird.



'And convicts.'



(# Spooky modern jazz)



'Criminal element.

San Francisco is no exception.



'Criminals who look quite ordinary



'but are more criminal

than you could ever guess.



'l'm taken in their

prison transportation, down, down,



'towards Alcatraz.



'Once a Native American paradise,



'where people worshipped

the gods of the Native Americans.



'But now a prison,

as the guard tightens the chains



'and signals to the people

and prison wardens of Alcatraz -



'prisoners coming, prisoners coming!



'The torture gear there.

He tightens the chains



'as the man in the back says,

"No more drugs for you.



'"You can't afford any till Tuesday."



'Yes, drugs are rife.



'Everyone here

is in for a big old crime.



'The woman in red,

she's in for stealing hubcaps.



'What a hellish crime!



'She will never see her family

again. They've been sent somewhere.



'But they try

to keep their spirits up.



'Gallows humor, yes,

it happens in all prisons. Alcatraz.



'As the FBI agent

takes photos of likely troublemakers,



'the guard signals again -

"for God's sake, prisoners coming!"



'Coming now. Prisoners.



'Prisoners coming, coming,

coming through. Pris... Pris...



'People holding on to bananas

as more drugs money is exchanged



'for favors and drugs, mainly.



'The FBI woman takes a close-up

photo of somebody's kneecaps.



'How tight can chains be pulled,

for God's sake? Alcatraz.'



I started here in '  



and I got    years plus a few months.



ln    years I've found out people

from everywhere are all the same.



'Freddie Dingo there,

a few wise words from him.



'FBI agent looks on as

the woman in red stares - in terror.



'The prisoners

are led off, off to Alcatraz



'as special FBI agents check

the prison transportation vehicle



'to make sure no one has

Sellotaped themselves to the ceiling



'or hidden underneath,

disguised as a wheel.



'Freddie and Jeff Stinger here,

famous bank robbers,



'being taken to Alcatraz

at the end of their life.



'Alcatraz. ln the sun, it's almost

pretty. lt's got a lighthouse.



'And a big thing at the back

that looks like a monster.



'But no, it's Alcatraz.



'Once an island paradise,

now a penitentiary.



'Tonight's show is brought to you

by the prisoners of Alcatraz.'



(Cheering and applause)



ln heels, as well. Yeah.



Yes, I'm a professional transvestite



so I can run about in heels

and not fall over.



If women fall over in heels,

that's embarrassing



but if a bloke falls over in heels,

you have to kill yourself.



End of your life.

It's quite difficult.



So, San Francisco.

# San Francisco, San Francisco! ?



Not San Fran, no, apparently not.



I didn't know,

I would've said San Fran



but you'd go,

"We don't like San Fran. Fuck it."



Or what's the other one?

Frisco, you don't like that, either.



(Audience hissing)



And you're a city of snakes, I see.






Everyone goes to a gig

with a snake in their bag.



No other cities have snakes

as much as you.



New York, no fucking snakes.

Paris, London, no snakes.



San Francisco,

full of fucking snakes!






We did that at school.



So you can call it "the City".



The City.



OK, and you don't

tell tourists about, er..



the weather in July and August.

You don't fucking tell anyone.



They're all going round in

summer shirts going, "Jesus Christ.



"I can't see! I can't see!



"Fog, there's fog!"



And it really shifts it, your fog.



I saw John Carpenter's film The Fog

and that fog shifts it.



I thought, "That's Hollywood -

fog moving fast."



But your fog is that speed.



Busy, busy, busy.



It could be late

to get in someone's face somewhere.



It runs down the road, doesn't it?



Boom! Whoosh! Nyyyaoum!



Faster than the fucking taxis!



Of which there are five.



(Laughter, cheering and applause)



I don't know what that's about.



You're a no-taxi city, aren't you?



Five taxis, all going,

"I got people in."



Hours. Nyyyaaaoum, nyaaoum, nyaoum.



Nyaowww, nyaowww, rrrowwww.



Then when you get in,

they don't know where they're going.



I had to tell the guy,

"Get in the back, l'll drive."



He's sitting in the back going,

"I don't know.



"I've only lived here

four million years."



Cable cars are fun. Everyone gets on

and becomes a rhesus monkey.



No one talks on a cable car,

they just hang and stare.



The guy in the front, no steering

wheel, going, "What the fuck?



"What the fuck's this one?"



Pulling levers, levers.



Is it four levers

that just do fuck all?



He's always ringing that bell,

going, "Help! Help!" Ding-ding-ding!



Endless bell-ringing. What is he,

the Hunchback of Notre Dame?



The bells.



Him and the guy from the

stock market are the same person.



At the end of the stock market,

they ring a bell. lt's the same bell.



(Quiet chuckling)



Never link those two together again.



(Big laugh)



So, I was going to be in the army

when I was a kid.



Yes. I say that and people go,

"Oh, yeah, yeah."



I was going to be in the army.



Cos if you're a transvestite,

you're actually a male tomboy.



It's not drag queen.

Gay men have got that covered.



And this is male tomboy.



People get that mixed up.

They put transvestite there. No!



Bit of a crowbar separation,

thank you.



Gay men I think would agree.



It's male lesbian.

That's really where it is.






It's true, most transvestites

fancy women, that's where it is.



Running, jumping, climbing trees,



putting on make-up when

you're up there, that's where it is.



I used to keep all my make-up

in a squirrel hole up the tree.



The squirrel would keep make-up

on one side, nuts on the other.



Sometimes that squirrel

would be covered in make-up.



"# La-la, la-laaa... ?



"Oh, ooh!






"Fuck off."



He seemed to say.



Squirrels always eat nuts

with two hands.



Occasionally they stop and go...



As if they're going,

"Did I leave the gas on?



"No, I'm a fucking squirrel."



And occasionally they go,

"Fucking nuts!



"I'm fed up with them, always.

I long for a grapefruit."



Yeah. So that's very much

like the army. And, erm...






The running, jumping,

climbing trees, not the squirrel bit.



And I was into

a lot of the army stuff -



running, jumping, standing still,

"found you!", flag, hat.



Bang! I liked all that stuff.

I liked blowing up milk bottles.



Kill the milk bottles,

explode them, yes.



It seemed fun,

it was a thing of power.



There's all this

National Rifle Association here.



  -year-olds get hold of weapons

from their grandfather's arsenal.



"I'll borrow the Howitzer,

the M-   machine gun, the Uzi..."



What the fuck's

the grandfather doing?



This kid in Arkansas helped himself

to a ton of military weapons



and went and blew away his school.



The NRA says that

guns don't kill people, people do.



But I think the gun helps.



I think it helps.

Standing there going, "Bang!"



That's not gonna kill

too many people, is it?



He'd have to be really dodgy

on the heart...



Bang! Bang! Boom! Bang! Rat-a-tat!



Boom! Bang!



I think they should just try that.



But shooting clay pigeons,

yeah, go for that.



Clay pigeons are fuckers!



Come round your house,

whizz through... Fffoooh! Fffoooh!



They do nothing,

they don't even eat flies.



Spiders eat flies

so they're all right, keep them.



Flies don't eat fuck all

so kill them.



Clay pigeons get shot in the air.

Wait till they land!



Then go up to the clay pigeon...



Much easier.



Yeah. So I didn't join the army,

as you might have noticed.



And, er... Yeah. Cos there's not much

make-up in the army.



They only have that night-time look

and that's a bit slapdash.



And they look a mess.



You can't join. Even though

the American armed forces



have a distinct policy of

"don't ask, don't tell",



if you're a bloke wearing a lot of

make-up, they don't need to ask.



So you can't join.



They go, "No, it's the wrong

shade of lipstick for the army."



They're missing a huge opportunity,



because one of the main elements

of attack is the element of surprise.



So what could be more surprising



than the   st Battalion

Transvestite Brigade?



Airborne wing. The airborne wing

parachuting into dangerous areas



with fantastic make-up

and a fantastic gun.



The opposing force is going,

"Fucking hell, look at these guys.



"Look at that.



"They've got guns!

Jesus, where's my gun?



"Ah, bugger.



"I was so surprised.

Were you surprised?"



Anyway. So yes, so...

# Do-doo do-doo do-doo, bom-bom ?



And transvestites get lumped

into that weirdo grouping.



There was a guy in the Bronx

when I was in New York,



he was living in a cave, like you do,



and he was coming out

and shooting at geese,



a lot of weird things

going on with him.



ln his cave, the police found

a collection of women's shoes.



They said, "He's a transvestite."

But he's a weirdo transvestite.



I'm much more in

the executive transvestite area.



We travel the world,

it's more executive.



J Edgar Hoover,

what a fuckhead he was.



They found out he was

a transvestite and they go,



"That explains his weird behavior."



Yeah, fucking weirdo transvestite.



Executive transvestite.



It's a wider community,

more wide than you'd think.



Yes. And, erm...



I grew up in Europe,

where the history comes from.



Oh, yes.



You tear your history down, man.



"It's    years old, let's smash it

and put a car park here."



I have seen it in stories.



I saw a program

on something in Miami.



"We've redecorated this building

to how it looked over    years ago."



People are going,

"No, surely not! No!



"No one was alive then."



We've got tons of history

lying about. Big old castles.



They just get in the way.



"There's a fucking castle,

l'll have to drive around."



Disney came over

and built Euro Disney.



They built the Disney castle there.



Everyone was like, "Make it bigger,

they've actually got them here.



"And they're not made of plastic."



We've got tons of them. You think

we all live in castles and we do.



We've got a castle each.

We're up to here with castles.



We just long for a bungalow

or something.



I grew up in the '  s. The careers

advisor used to come to school.



He'd tell the kids, "I advise you

to get a career, what can I say?"



He took me aside and said,

"Tell me your dreams."



"I want to be an astronaut,

discover new things."



He said, "Look, you're British,

so scale it down a bit."



"All right, I want to work

in a shoe shop, then.



"Discover shoes that no one's ever

discovered in the back of the shop."



"Look, you're British,

so scale it down a bit."



"All right, I want to work

in a sewer, then.



"And discover sewage

no one's ever discovered



"and pile it on my head, surface

and sell myself to an art gallery."



He said, "What the fuck

have you been smoking?



"You certainly haven't been smoking

in a bar in California."



Cos you can't!

No smoking in bars now



and soon, no drinking and no talking.



(Cheering and applause)



Be careful, California. You're

supposed to be the crazy state.



ln future you'll say, "Come down

the library, we'll have a wild time."



"I don't know where that fucking

book is, it could be anywhere.



"There's a lot of them about."



Yeah, so... So yes, so, er...



There was a spirit of ex-empire,

that things can't be done.



ln America, I felt there was

a spirit of "can be done".



"Go, do it! What do you want to do?"



"I want to put babies on spikes."

"Go, then!



"Go, what a wonderful idea.

It's the American Dream!"



"Hi, I'm crazy Eddie.



"I put babies on spikes.



"Do you want a rack of babies?

We've got babies on racks.






"They taste of chicken."



They do! Babies taste of chicken.



Cannibals say human flesh tastes

of chicken so babies must too.



- And chickens taste of humans.

- (Nervous laughter)



Good. I'm glad you're

coming with me on that.



Yes, so, erm...



This is all true. And, erm...

So, yeah.



So everyone had empires in Europe.

France and Spain and Britain.



Turkey, the Ottoman Empire,

full of furniture, for some reason.



And the Austro-Hungarian Empire,

famous for fuck all!



Yes, all they did was slowly

collapse like a flan in a cupboard.



The Germans, very organized,

always built an empire.



Eins, zwei, eins, zwei.

Very Prussian.



Then they'd celebrate

with a World War,



then lose the whole fucking empire

by the end of the war.



The '  s. Hitler,

Czechoslovakia, Poland, France,



Second World War,

Russian front not a good idea.



Hitler never played Risk

when he was a kid.



ln Risk, you could never keep Asia.



That Asian-Eastern European area,

you could never hold it.



Seven extra men in every go

but you couldn't fucking hold it.



Australasia was the one.

All the purples.



Get everyone on Papua New Guinea

and just build up and up.



And Hitler ended up in a ditch,

covered in petrol, on fire.



So that's fun.



I think that's funny. Cos he was

a mass-murdering fuckhead.



And that was his honeymoon as well.

Double trouble.



"Eva, let's marry."

"Where should we honeymoon?"



"ln a ditch, covered in petrol,

on fire. I've already arranged it."



"Oh, how romantic, Adolf."

"Yes, I thought."



Fun. What a bastard.

He was a vegetarian and a painter.



He must've said,

"I can't get ze fucking trees...




I will kill everyone in the world!"



He was a mass-murdering fuckhead,

as many historians have said.



And, erm...



But others got away with it.



Stalin killed many millions.

Died in his bed. Well done there.



Pol Pot killed

  .  million Cambodians.



Died under house arrest, age   .

Well done, indeed.



They got away with it

because they killed their own people.



We're sort of fine with that.



"Oh, help yourself.



"We've been trying to kill you

for ages, so kill your own people."



Seems to be.



Hitler killed people next door.

Ohhh. Stupid man.



After a couple of years

we won't stand for that, will we?



Pol Pot killed   .  million people.

We can't even deal with that.



If somebody kills someone,

you go to prison.



You kill    people, you go to Texas,

they hit you with a brick.



   people, they look through

a hospital window at you forever.



Over that, we can't deal with it.



Someone who's killed        people,

we're almost going, "Well done.



"You killed       ? You must

get up very early in the morning.



"I can't even get down the gym!



"Your diary must look odd. 'Get up

in the morning, death, death, death,






'"death, death, death,

afternoon tea, death...



'"quick shower..."'



So I suppose we're glad

that Pol Pot's under house arrest.



  .  million people,

at least we know where he is.



Just don't go in that fucking house.



I know people

who'd love to be under house arrest.



They bring you your food.

"Just stay here? All right."



(Hums laconically)



"Have you got any videos?"

You just sit there all day.



Pol Pot was a history teacher

and Hitler was a vegetarian painter.



Mass murderers come from

the areas you least expect it.



I don't know how the flip comes over

but it happens.



So we built up empires.



We stole countries,

that's how you build an empire.



We stole countries

with the cunning use of flags.



You sail round the world

and stick a flag in them.



"I claim lndia for Britain!"



They're going, "You can't claim us,

we live here.     million of us."



"Do you have a flag?"



"We don't need a bloody flag.

It's our country, you bastard."



"No flag, no country,

you can't have one.



"That's the rules

that I've just made up.



"And I'm backing it up with this gun

that was lent from the NRA."



That was it.



Queen Victoria became Empress

of lndia. She never even went there.



She was one of our

more frumpy queens.



They're all frumpy, aren't they?



Because it's a bad idea

when cousins marry.



Bottom of the gene pool,

you're scraping the barrel.



"I haven't got enough

for any more of you royals, sorry."



First rule of genetics,

spread the genes apart.



But the royals are obsessed.

"Are you royal?



"Then you can marry me

and our lQs will go down the toilet."




That's why there's no crazy royals.



"Hello, what do you do? You're

a plumber? What on earth is that?"



So, yeah. After the Second World War,

that's when the empires dissolved.



We came first in the war but we were

financially fucked by the end.



Cos for a time

it was just us and the Nazis.



They'd been making weapons for ages.



We were going, "Get the tanks out!"

"We haven't got any."



"Get that ice cream van out, then."




"All right, oh, fuck it.



"Fuck off."




Just throw everything at them!



"Orange Fruities and Zooms,

throw the Zooms!



"Fuck off, you bastard!



"Pots and pans!

Throw the pots and pans at them!"



By the time America came in -

you were watching a US cavalry film.



The US cavalry always comes in

towards the end of the film.



"OK, let's go, America."

(Sings fanfare)



"I love the smell of Europe

in the morning. How are you?"



We were going,

"Fucking hell, where've you been?"



"Having breakfast.



"So, what's going on?"



America did well.

Russia did well, and deservedly so.



Half a million American

and British soldiers died



and about    million

Russian soldiers and civilians died.



That's    times as many.

It's unbelievable.



And no one mentions this.

These are figures I discovered.



Napoleon had been steaming in    

years before - "I'm gonna kill them!



"Ooh, it's a bit cold!



"Right. OK, bad idea."



And then Hitler -

"I've got a better idea!



"Oh, it's the same idea."



No wonder they set up the

Eastern bloc, for a buffer zone.



So that's where they're coming from.



About    million Nazi Germans died

but they did start it.



And, er... Yeah. So it was that.



And Southern France collaborated

with the Germans, embarrassing,



so since then they've been

kind of spiky and kind of French.



I'm very positive on the French.

My family way back was French.



I go with it but they are kind of

fucking French at times.



"All of Europe, you must do this."

"Well, we're not gonna.



"We're gonna have a sandwich."



And Germany and Japan

seem to have a natural instinct



in a very generalized way,

for organization and being military



but there's a strong Green Party

there, kids with beards, it's OK.



And, er...



I think Japan and Germany should be

the peacekeepers of the world.



They should be parachuted in

whenever something breaks out.



"Look, we've done the killing

before, take it from us,



"just chill...chill out, all right?"



They organize peace really quickly.



"Peace, peace, peace.

Peace is organized."



It'd be brilliant.

That's their destiny, man. Yeah.



ltaly invented Fascism in     .



Mussolini said, "We're all Fascists."



But most ltalian people are

always on scooters going, "Ciao."



They're into football and life

and they're not Fascists.



"We're all Fascists."

"All right. Ciao."



No helmet on.



Those '  s films like Roman Holiday,

it's like that. Everyone's cool.



After World War ll the world said,

"Europe, give these countries back.



"Let's give them back. Britain?"




"What's that behind your back?"

"lndia and some other countries."



"Give them back."

"Oh, all right.



"There's that one and that one."



"Falkland lslands."

"Oh, we need the Falkland lslands



"for strategic sheep purposes."



And then it was a case of

no empire, no longer.



But in America, it was different.



The founding fathers landed

in   ... (Mumbles)



They left from Plymouth and landed

in Plymouth. How lucky is that?



"Is this Plymouth?

We've just come from Plymouth.



"We've gone round in a circle, lads,

back on the boats."



They said, "This is where our God

has brought us to.



"We can practice our religion,

raise a family.



"There's nobody here. Excuse me.



"Nobody here. Yes,

a land empty of human existence.



"Who the fuck are these guys?



"What's all this, please?



"No, we don't want any of

your food, thank you very much.



"Just put some clothes on."



Meanwhile, that winter...



"Excuse me, do you have any food?



"I love all this, lovely idea."



(Laughs nervously)



"I'm sorry we were a bit brusque

when we first arrived.



"We didn't realize

you owned the entire country.



"But you have no system

of ownership? Mm. lnteresting.



"That'll be useful later.

Food, thank you very much.



"There's more of us coming

but we'll keep our promises."



So the government lied to the

Native Americans for many years.



Then President Clinton lied about

a lover and everyone was surprised.



A little naive, I feel.



As kids we lied our heads off.



"I didn't do it.

I was dead at the time.



"I was on the moon. With Steve."



Your dad's going,

"I haven't accused you yet."



"Oh, all right. What...what's...

what's the ques...? l... What?"



"Did you brush your teeth?"

"No. Yes. What's correct?



"I was dead at the time."



Then when you're more mature,

you start telling the truth.



"I've broken a glass.

Is it expensive?



"I'll pay for that. I'm sorry."



You do that so people might go,

"What a strong personality.



"I like to have sex with people

with strong personalities."



"I broke other things,

I smashed that.



"That's gone and I've just

thrown the cat out the window."



Ooh, yeah.



So perjury. But if you commit

perjury, I don't care.



You have Murder One, Murder Two.



There can be a difference

in the level of murder.



So perjury's the same.



Perjury One is saying there was no

Holocaust when millions died in it.



Perjury Nine is when you said you

shagged someone when you didn't.



Swing with it.



(Hums) So, yeah, so...



ln America

the Native American situation



and slavery didn't do very well.



ln Europe we've got a new thing,

the European Union.



    million people,     languages,



no one's got a clue

what they're saying to each other.



It's the cutting edge of politics

in an extraordinarily boring way.



We've got    different countries

in the European Union.



And trying to get them

to decide anything is a bit...



"Back up. Oh, you're...

I'm with... You're with him?"



For    years we had a right-wing

government in Britain



and their policy towards Europe

was, "No! No! No! I can't....



"# La la-la-la-la-la-la

laa-laa la-la-la ?"



Now our government is much more,

"Bonjour! Hola! Takk! Da!"



(lmitates banjo playing)



Brrrrmmm.... "Ciao!"



Britain needs to be

in the driving seat of Europe.



Or in the passenger seat, that's OK.

Then you can sleep for a bit.



"Are we there yet?"



At the moment, Britain

isn't even in the European car.



We're at the traffic lights, going,

"We're gonna clean your windows."



Yes. And we had

the pagans in Britain.



You didn't really have pagans,

you had the Native Americans



and it was more of a warrior,

aboriginal-type existence.



The pagans

were into sex, death and religion



in an interesting,

night-time telly type of way.



And the druids!

Long robes, long beards,



early transvestites,

didn't get their shaving together.



They built Stonehenge, one of

the biggest henges in the world.



No one's built a henge

like that ever since.



No one knows

what the fuck a henge is.



Before Stonehenge there was

Woodhenge and Strawhenge.



But, er...



But a big, bad wolf

came and blew them down



and three little piggies

were relocated to the projects.



But they built Stonehenge

in an area called Salisbury Plain



in the south of England. And

Salisbury Plain where they built it



is very... (Eerie chanting)



# Ooooooh-ohhhh-oooooh ?



It's a mystical thing,

build it in a mystical area.



You don't wanna build it

in an area that's - ? Ya-ta-da-dah!



# Hup-doo-doo-doo,

dup-dee-doo-doo! ?



There you build Trump Tower.






And the stones are    foot high,

   foot long,    foot deep



and other measurements as well!



And the stones

are not from round there.



Remember, this is BC...ers-ders-thfm.



This is before the BC-AD changeover



when everyone was going,

"Is it AD yet?"



You didn't wind your watch back,

you had to get a new watch.



"Oh, it's AD, is it? Fucking hell."



And the Muslim people going,

"AD? Who's he?"



- (Man laughing heartily)

- Yes.



Good laugh there.



The stones are from     miles away,

in Wales.



These guys were carving the rocks

out of a very living mountain.



(Welsh accent) "Fantastic! Building

a henge, are we? Fantastic.



"Marvelous religion

the druids have got,



"a lot of white clothing,

I like that."



They'd smash out a huge stone,

put tree trunks down to roll it on.



"Walk it along, here we go."






"Help you push them along?

All right. lt's not far, is it?"



And the druids going,

"Heave, everyone!



"Well done, everyone,

you're doing very well.



"You'll love it when you see it,

l've seen some of the drawings."



After     miles - "You bastards!

You never told us     miles!



"    miles in this day and age?

I don't even know where I live now!



"I wish the Christians

would hurry up and get here."



They set the stones up

and the druids are tinkering.



"That stone and this one,

can we swap them round?"



Then came the Romans with their gods

that they'd borrowed from the Greeks.



They conquered Greece

and stole their gods



and renamed them with Roman names.



The Roman gods before were crap.

Geoff, the god of biscuits.



And Simon, the god of hairdos.



They had the god of war,

the god of thunder,



the god of running around

and jumping.



"Let's get some of those!

Thank God, cos we had crap gods."



Yes. The emperor Fabulus

put that into operation.



There should've been

an Emperor Fabulus.



"I am the Emperor Fabulus!"

"Oh, yes, so you are."



"And my son, Fabulus ll.



"And him...really interesting guy."



So, yeah.

And the Romans went Christian



and then we had Christianity

for about      years.



Catholicism, we believed

in the teachings of Cathol



and everything he stood for.



Then Henry Vlll came along,

a big hairy king.



Erm... And, er...

He said to the Pope,



"Mr Pope, I'm going to marry

my first wife, then divorce her.



"I know what you're gonna say

but stick with me, it gets better.



"I'm gonna marry my second wife

and cut her head off!



"Not expecting that, are you?



"Third wife, shoot her.

Fourth wife, put her in a bag.



"Fifth into space.

Sixth on a Rotissomat.



"Seventh made out of jam.

Eighth wife..."



And the Pope's going,

(ltalian accent) "You crazy bugger!



"What are you, a Mormon?

You can't marry all these people!



"That's illegal.



"You can't do this.

I'm head of the Church...






"I have to keep up standards.



"What have you been reading,

the Gospel according to St Bastard?"



So Henry Vlll, who was

Sean Connery for this film...



(lmitates Connery) "Then I will set

up a new religion in this country.



"I will set up a religion,

the Psychotic Bastard religion."



And an advisor said,

"Why not call it Church of England?"



"Church of England, actually.

Much better.



"Even though I am Scottish myself."



That's the birth of Church

of England, the Anglican church.



Disgusting. That's no basis

to start a religion on.



Nothing to do with

the Protestant church.



Henry just shagged and killed

a lot of women



and stole all the money off the

monasteries. Rape and pillage.



The Protestant faith

started around a similar time.



That was about Martin Luther,

a German,



who pinned a note on a church,

saying, "Hang on a minute!"



But in German, so,

"Ein Minuten, bitte.



"lch habe einen kleinen problemo

avec diese Religione."



He was from everywhere.



So, yeah.



The Protestant faith was tacked on

by Elizabeth I a bit later.



"Oh, some principles, thank God."



Now Church of England is more,

"How are you?"



More of a hobby type - "Hellooo."



Lots of people in Church of England

have no muscles in their arms.






"Yes, that's what I thought.



"Do come in,

you're the only one today.



"Now, the sermon today is from

a magazine that I found...



"that I found in a hedge.



"Now, lipstick colors this season



"are in the frosted pink area

and nail colors to match.



"And, er...this reminds me rather

of our Lord Jesus.



"Because surely, when Jesus

went into Nazareth on a donkey



"he must have got tarted up a bit.



"We will now sing hymn    



"O God, What On Earth

Is My Hairdo All About?"



(Drearily) ? O God,

what on earth is my hai-airdo... ?



There's something phenomenally

dreary about Christian singing.



The gospel singers

are the only ones that go crazy.



It's amazing, and it's borne

out of kidnapping, imprisonment,



slavery, murder, all of that,

and this joyous singing.



And the Church of England,

all the Christian religions,



which is mainly Caucasian

white people with power and money,



enough to make Solomon blush,

they're all singing...




# O God, our help in ages past



# Our hope for years to... ?



They're the only people that

can sing hallelujah without feeling.



# Haaallelujah



# Haaaalleeelujah



# Joyfully we...



# Lark abooouuut ?



- (Applause)

- And...



(Applause continues)



No, it's...

It's just not kicking, is it?



God must be up there going,

"What on earth is that?"



God, who is James Mason,

"What on earth is that, Jesus?



"Jesus Christ,

what on earth is that?"



"Don't take my name in vain, Dad."



"Jeezy Chreezy,

what on earth is that?"



"Don't call me Jeezy Chreezy either.



"I went down,

told them to hang out, drink wine,



"they split into groups -

Catholics, Protestants,



"Jesuits, Methodists, Evangelicals,

Free Presbyterians,



"the Locked-Up Presbyterians.



"The Quakers, the Bakers,

the Candlestick Makers.



"The Mormons are from Mars,

Dad, we've had it checked out."



"What does the Holy Ghost

think of all this?"



"He's useless,

got a sheet over his head."



"Whoooo...Holy Ghost! Holy Ghost!



"Holy Gho-o-o-ost!"



"Holy Ghost, this is not an episode

of Scooby-Doo."



"I would've succeeded if it wasn't

for that pesky God and Jesus."



Shaggy and Scooby

are interesting characters,



two of the most major characters

in American literature.



I think it's fantastic, because

they are cowardly characters.



They believe in cowardice

and sandwiches.



Can you think of any in the realm

of English-speaking literature,



cowardly characters

that you identify with?



You're with them all the way -

"Go, Shaggy! Go, Scooby!"



The rest of the guys

who drive the van? "Fuck off."



Scrappy-Doo - a Magnum.






"Thank you, Grandad."



(Delayed laughter)



Well remembered.



If you can think of any other

character, I'm willing to learn.



Somebody said Falstaff,

a Shakespearean character.



It's that level of greatness.



Falstaff you sort of identify with

but he's melancholy.



But Shaggy and Scooby

are upbeat all the time.



"Rrroh, rroh, Shaggy, Scooby Snack!




You love them, you're with them.



There's part of us that's

Shaggy and Scooby at every stage.



So if you travel round the world -



your American foreign policy

does give you a difficult time -



two tricks.

One, say you're Canadian. That helps.



It works in Europe, it's very good.



The second is say,

"Shaggy and Scooby."



They go, "Shaggy and Scooby?"



lnternational credit card.



So, yeah.



So the pagan religion,

it was this earthy thing.



But Christianity

is split into many areas.



Catholicism still has the fire and

brimstone - ? Boom-boom boom-boom



"Row, you bastards!"



Original sin - what a hellish idea.



"Father, bless me,

for I have sinned.



"I did an original sin,

I poked a badger with a spoon."



"I've never heard

of that one before.



"Five Hail Marys

and two Hello Dollys."



"All right."



"Bless me, for I slept with

my neighbor's wife."



"Heard it.



"I want an original sin."

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry."



Anglicans don't have that.



"Vicar, I've done many bad things."

"Well, so have l."



"What shall I do?"



"Drink five bloody marys

and you won't remember."



Because the Anglican faith had

a lack of principles for a long time,



you can't get really

headstrong about it.



Like the lslamic jihads

we hear about. We get scared.



We assume that everyone

who is into the lslamic religion



is having a jihad

every other bloody day.



There's a lot of very relaxed

lslamic people, remember this.



We assume every day three jihads

are issued by every individual.



It seems they're everywhere.



"The fruit shop short-changed me.

A fucking jihad on them."



Bump into someone.

"Hey! Fucking jihad on you!"



"How many jihads is that, Dad?"

"  . I can't keep up with them."



I don't think that's happening.



You can't do that

in Church of England.



"You must have tea and cake

with the Vicar or you die!"



The Spanish lnquisition wouldn't

have worked with Church of England.




"But it hurts."



"Well, loosen it up a bit, will you?"



That's what it would be, tea and cake

or death. "Tea and cake or death!



"Tea and cake or death!"

Students with beards.



"Little red cookbook!

Little red cookbook!"



Cake or death, that's easy.

Anyone can answer that.



"Cake or death?"



"Cake, please."



"Very well! Give him cake."



"Thanks very much. lt's very nice."



"You. Cake or death?"



"Cake for me, too, please."



"Very well. Give him cake, too.



"We're gonna run out of cake

at this rate.



"You. Cake or death?"



"Death, please.

No, cake, cake, sorry."



"You said death first. Death first."

"No, I meant cake."



"Oh, all right.



"You're lucky I'm Church of England.



"Cake or death?"

"Cake, please."



"We're out of cake!



"We only had three bits

and we didn't expect such a rush.



"So what do you want?"

"So my choice is 'or death'?



"I'll have the chicken, then."



"Tastes of human, sir.



"Would you like a white wine?

There we go.



"Thank you for flying

Church of England. Cake or death?"



"I asked for the vegetarian."



"There we go, Mr. Hitler.



"Like a little wine?

Thank you, you Nazi shithead."



So, yes.



The pagans had big festivals

on Easter and Christmas.



Christians had big festivals

at Easter and Christmas.



Jesus died on one and was born

on the other. Hm-hm-hm-hmm?



Cos...Jesus I do think did exist.



He was a guy

who had interesting ideas



in the Gandhi area, the Nelson

Mandela area - relaxed and groovy.



The Romans thought,

"Relaxed and groovy? No."



So they murdered him.



Kids eat chocolate eggs

because the color of the chocolate



and the color of

the wood on the cross...



Well, you tell me.



It's got nothing to do with it,

has it?



People are going, "Remember kids,

Jesus died for your sins."



"Yeah, I know, it's great."



"No, it's bad."

"It's bad. lt's terrible.



"Whatever you want.

Just keep giving me these eggs."



And the bunny rabbits, where do

they come into the Crucifixion?



There were no rabbits going,

"You putting crosses in our warrens?



"We live below this hill, all right?"



Bunny rabbits are for shagging,

eggs are for fertility.



It's the spring festival.



Christmas time, Jesus born to

a big jolly guy in a red jacket.



"Ho, ho, ho, baby Jesus.

What would you like for Christmas?"



"Peace on earth

and goodwill towards men."



"What about a clockwork train?"



"Yes, much better.

Forget peace on earth, I don't care."



The Christmas fir tree?

There's none of them in Nazareth.



The partridge in a pear tree song

was not sung at the Last Supper.



They weren't there going

# And a partridge in a pear tree...



# Five go-o-old rings!



"Come on, loosen up, Judas."

"Oh, all right."



# On the seventh day of Christmas...



"Judy, come on, loosen up."



"Don't call me Judy. I've told you."






"Can you lend us a fiver, Judy?

I'm a bit short. Ahhh!"



"Right, lads, Leonardo da Vinci's

painting the picture,



"everyone get your positions,

here we go."



"Jesus, why the big arms thing?"



"I just thought l'd do

a big arms thing."



"I'll do a big arms thing as well."

"Me, too. I quite like the big arms."



"Look, we can't all do big arms!



"We'll look like

a squadron of Spitfires.



"I'll do big arms and you look at me

and go, 'Ooh, he's doing big arms.'



"Leonardo, have you got that one?

Now, a fun one as well."



That partridge song,

the only bit we like of it is...



# Five gold rings! ?



People go berserk at that point,

running in from other rooms.



# Five go-o-old riiiiings! ?



You know.

The rest of it we don't know.



Above that it's ? Twelve...monkeys

mating, eleven...donkeys dancing



# Ten pygmies...farming,

nine socks a-swimming...



# Five gold rings! ?



This is a human thing. We only

like to learn a little bit of a song.



The American national anthem

I notice is a bit hazy in the middle.



You start and finish strong

but the middle's a bit...



# And fish in the sky



# And a...m...big monkey pie...



l've seen guys up there

halfway through, losing it.



"What the fuck is it?"



"I came second,

I'm from Turkey, I don't know.



"Do you want some furniture?"



ln Britain, we don't win

many Olympic gold medals.



Because we've chosen not to.

It's a political statement.



Because we hate our national anthem.

Cos it's God Save The Queen.



The Queen lives in a big house with

barbed wire and people with guns.



That's one saved fucking Queen.



She's overly saved, she has no idea

of the struggle of human existence.



We have to work, raise a family.

We don't have nannies.



It's what you gotta do in your life.

God Save The Queen, no.



God Attack The Queen,

that's what it should be.



# God attack the Queen, send

big dogs after her, that bite her bum



# Let them chase after her

and rip her knickers off... ?



That'd be fantastic.

She'd have to fight the dog



with a handbag

with a brick inside. "Crazy dog!"



"Rrrargh! Kill the Queen."

"No, crazy dog!"



Maybe she'd kill the crazy dog



and everyone in Britain would go,

"Fair play to the Queen."



The Queen would have self-respect

for the first time in her life.



Yes. lt would work.

It would be fantabulous.



But in America

you do win the gold medal.



You stand there, hand on the hearts.



Only you and the Roman Empire have

ever done that so be very careful.



You are the new Roman Empire,

you realize that.



There's no one else going.



The other big power is China



but they're a bit of

a "Ah... Oh..." kind of thing.



A thousand million

but they're all just getting ready.



You're the Roman Empire so you've

got vomitariums and orgies ahead.



Let the President lead the way.



Cos no one cares in America and...

I don't know.



ln Europe we're just watching you,

going, "What are you doing?"



ln France they wouldn't care

and in Britain they would get shot.



If the Prime Minister had done

something everyone would go...



(Clears throat, mumbles sheepishly)



"Can the government

comment on the recent affair?"



"The government would like to say...

(Coughs, mumbles sheepishly)"



"Thank you."



You do sing the national anthem



and I've worked out how to do it

if you're lost in the middle.



The Tannoy systems at big stadiums,

it doesn't matter.



All that people care about

is the look.



   per cent of what people react to

is the look.



   per cent is how you sound,

   per cent is what you say.



So if you look and sound good -



# Baaah wair sa fahhh!



# La-la... ? Big mouth.



The eyes.

# Ah-sarrr! Fah shirrr... ?



Use the hand.

# Oh sharr...



# La-la shar la la laaaa



# Da da-da, da-da shar-harrrr



# Daaa da... ?



Keep confirming and denying things.



# Raaa da-da duppa shar-la... ?



Everyone will go wild!



(Cheering and applause)



Erm... (Squeaks)



Er... Oh, yeah!



I'm a...

I'm an action transvestite, really.



You know, erm... As well as being

an executive transvestite.



Cos it's running,

jumping, climbing trees.



I went snowboarding in Aspen



and you look cool when you snowboard.



You cannot but look cool because

you're nailed to a plank of wood.



As long as you're vertical, you're

going, "Hey, yeah." (Whooshing)



Skiing you can be kind of,

"Whooaah... Clunk. Ooooh."



There's a lot of that stuff.

But this is just... (Purring engine)



There's only two positions

in snowboarding. One is looking cool.



The second is dead!






I was looking cool and

I was going          miles an hour.



You have no idea.

The police never pull you over.



They never go...

(Siren wailing, whooshing)



"Oh, fucking hell."



The police need to walk up to you

in that condescending way.



"OK, what do you think you're doing?"



They can't do that on a snowboard

cos they have to go...



"Your tail light's out and, er...



"you've go no knees."



So that didn't happen.



I was going fast,

and I fell and smashed my head.



My head was fine but my neck went,

"Oh, no. No, thank you."



So I had to see a chiropractor

in New York.



They're different to osteopaths

because of the spelling.



And, er...



They're both very powerful figures

on the Scrabble board.



"Chiropractor. Yeah, chiropractor.



"   letters. Chiropractor."



And they...they crack your bones.

They take X-rays but it's pointless.



Cos whatever's wrong -

"I'm gonna crack your bones.




I'm gonna crack your bones.



"Your head's come off.

I'm gonna crack your bones.



"lt looks like your mother..."



When they crack your bones

it goes, "Urgh!" and then, "Arrhhh."



but not sort of, "Ahhh..."

but sort of, "Arrrgh!"



All the way up your spine.

"Crack your bones."



They arrange you

into a nice, comfortable...









Sometimes it doesn't crack,

it just goes...



Then they pull a mallet from their

belt and try to make the noise.



"Make the noise,

I live for the noise."



They do your head as well,

get it into a nice position.



You're thinking, "No, I don't think

it's supposed to go round that far!



"Thank you very much. Thank you."



You trust them. They could have

their fingers in your nostrils,



one foot on the back

of your underpants



and they're pushing your spine away

with a broom.



"What's this one all about?"



"I have no idea.'



Wha-boom! (Sings fanfare)



"Wherever he falls,

there shall he be buried."



Also, if you're in a restaurant

and you're choking to death,



you can say the magic words -

"Heimlich maneuver".



If you're coughing, you say Heimlich

maneuver and all will be well.



The trouble is it's very difficult

to say when you're choking to death.



(Coughing and spluttering)

Heim...rmeuvr... Heim...



"Your hymen's been removed?"

"No, no...






"You need it removed? Right."



I don't know how you remove a hymen.



But, er...yeah.



Heimlich maneuver,

developed by Dr. Heimlich,



who woke up one night and went,

"A fist, a hand!"



Hoocha, hoocha, hoocha... lobster.






"Yes. Hilda, wake up!"



"What is it, Dr. Heimlich?"



"Why are you calling me

Dr. Heimlich? I'm your husband.



"Loosen up,

don't be so bloody Prussian."



"Well, what is it, Günter?"



"I have invented a maneuver."



"What are you,

a bloody tank commander now?"



"No. My name is going to be famous

in restaurants!"



I don't think

he actually did it that way.



He must have experimented.

He was German, organized.



"Hans, I want you

to swallow zis golf ball."



"I cannot breathe."

"I know.



"I will now make you breathe

with the cunning use of..."




"I still cannot breathe."



"Maybe this will help."



"Jesus fucking Christ."



"OK, maybe with a frying pan. Pow!



"lt must be a combination.



"No? OK.



"OK, two frying pans.



"Frying pan in the bollocks.



"Bollocks...frying pan..."



Boom-boom boom boom boom!



Whooo! Clung.



"Oh, he's dead."



Other doctors -

"How's it coming along?"



"Not very well at the moment.



"It's not really a maneuver

at the moment.



"It's more of a gesture.



"As the

National Rifle Association says,



"it's not guns that kill people,

it's maneuvers."






But, er... ? A-mo-merr-mo-mer ?



I'm a film nut as well.

I used to break into film studios.



There's a studio called

Pinewood Studios near London.



I broke in when I was   

and I crept around, creeping,



hoping some guy with a big cigar

might go, "Hey! A creeping kid.



"For my film The Creeping Kid.



"You, you're in."

"Me? Oh, yeah!"



But no, it didn't happen.



They were filming

tall, angular veterinarians.



And I didn't have my bag.



And my hand up a horse's...



Anyway. So, erm... Yes. So, l...



We're known in Britain

for making the smaller films.



Lately we've pulled out of that with

Trainspotting but the smaller film,



the Room With A View With A

Staircase And A Pond type movie.



Films with very fine acting but the

drama is rather subsued - subsumed?



A word like that. Sub-something

or another. Just sort of folded in.



Everything's people opening doors -

"Oh, l'm... Oh."






"Well, l... Oh."



"What is it, Sebastian?

I'm arranging matches."



"Well, I thought you...



"I'd better go."



"Yes, I think you better had."



(Sings morose melody)



And you can't eat popcorn to that.



Whereas if the film did

any bit of business in America,



some decent bit of business,



then Hollywood would remake it

and up the budget by    million



and it would be called

The Room With A View Of Hell!



Staircase Of Satan...



Pond Of Death.



People open the door -

"You're fucking in here all the time,



"in here with the fucking matches!



"What are you fucking doing

with the fucking matches?"



"Don't talk to me that way!



"You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife?

You fuck my wife?



"You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife?"



"I am your wife."



"That don't matter.



"I say again. You fuck my wife?"



"All right, yes. I fucked your wife.

I am your wife and I fucked her."



"Daaah, you're gonna...



"Fucking matches, I can't get...



"I'm gonna drive round town

and put babies on spikes."









Floom! Zi-zi-zi.



"Oh, no!

Space monkeys are attacking."



A whole new part of the film.



"Hoo-hoo-hoo! Whaaah!"



Poom! Poom! Poom!



"Damn, it's jammed.



"Janine? I love you, really.

Even though you fucked my wife."






"A fucking handbag.



"With a brick in it.



"It's the Queen!"



Don't know who that is. Yeah.



We play bad guys in Hollywood movies

because of the Revolutionary War.



The French, who were on your side

in the Revolutionary War,



they play more esoteric characters.



Their characters go, "I am Pierre.

I have come from Paris.



"I have come to have sex

with your family."



"Help yourself.



"Because of the debt of honor

to General Lafayette."



You know your own history, yeah?



You don't know who he is, do you?



"The Spanish-American War?

The French Banana War? What?"



Revolutionary War.

Hung out with Washington. Lafayette.



Street named after him in New York.

Forget it.



We play bad guys.

Take The Empire Strikes Back



from the Star Wars trilogy.



The Death Star,

just full of British actors



opening doors and going,

"Oh, l'm... Oh."



"What is it, Lieutenant Sebastian?"



"It's just the rebels, sir.

They're here."



"My God, man.



"Do they want tea?"



"I think they're after

something more than that, sir.



"I don't know what it is

but they've brought a flag."



"Damn, that's dashed cunning of them.



"Ah, Lord Vader."



(Heavy breathing)



(Deep voice) "Hello."



He was only impressive cos he had

that James Earl Jones voice.



"I am Vader.

The Force is strong with you."



If he had a much more...

(Camp cockney) "'Ello.



"Look, I'm Lord Vader and just

pay a-bloody-ttention, all right?



"Luke, the Force is strong with you."



"Is it?"




"Who told you that?"



"Some bloke.



"He said the Force is really

rather strong with you."



"How strong?"



"Er, as strong as a small pony."



"That's quite strong, that is."



The film would never have

fucking worked, would it? Yeah.



The Great Escape. British actors,

I'm British, link-up there.



Steve McQueen. Action hero,

action transvestite, link-up there.



The story is based on a true story

about    British prisoners



who escaped from the prisoner of war

camp in Silesia in Poland.



They're all experts at escaping.



They're all put together

so they say, "Let's work together."



Steve McQueen plays the American



who is dropped into British films

in order to make them sell.



ln America, that is.



You'd go, "I'm not gonna see it,

it's full of British guys



"and what the fuck do I know

about British things?"



I was in... Where was l?

I did a gig in Memphis



and this guy came up to me,

and this was fucking weird.



This guy had two kids and he said,

"You British?"



I go, "Yeah" but wanted to go,

"No, I'm from Mars, actually."



"You British?"




"Hey kids, Jimmy Sue,

Bobby Will, Fishy Bob."



He said, "Talk British to my kids."



I said, "I'm not gonna talk British

to your kids. lt's English. 'Ello?"



The kid's going,

"No, Dad, we wanna see..."



Not with this accent.



(Slow, slurry)

"No, Dad, we wanna go see the man



"emasculating a donkey over there."



"Talk British to my kids or

l'll get my arsenal of weapons out."



So that was fun.



So yes, The Great Escape, yes.



It's all true and Steve McQueen's

there to make it sell.



He's cool. I'm a very big fan

of Steve McQueen. Bullitt.



Fog. No fucking fog in Bullitt.



That film The Rock,

when they're all out on Alcatraz.



"We can't send this nuclear weapon

to San Francisco, we can't find it!



"It's covered in fog!"



"All right,

we'll have to get Oakland, then."



Fight, fight, fight.



Oakland, San Francisco. East Bay.



You're not called West Bay, are you?



No, you're just "the City".



"Are you going to the City today?"

"I might go to the City."



And Oakland's just

a collection of houses, is it?



So... So, yes.



The Great Escape -

"We're gonna do the biggest escape



"in the history of people escaping

from things."






Steve isn't really part of this.

He's hanging out, playing baseball,



does an escape, gets caught.



The British dig three tunnels -

Charlie, Barley and Farley.



Four. Charlie, Barley,

Farley and Wally. No, five.



No one expects

the Spanish tunnel king.



There's people in charge of

shoring it up, breathing apparatus,



people putting things on trolleys,

lighting apparatus,



people disguising the entrance

so it looks like a kibbutz.



"I've turned my uniform inside out,

turned my buttocks into a hat



"and I now look like

a German officer.



"But I have no buttocks.



"Jawohl, mein Herr. So habe ich

einige wenige Lacher bekommen."



"Well done, Simpkins. That's a line

from Monty Python, isn't it?"



Donald Pleasence doing forgeries

on bits of tin can with a bit of jam.






On the day of the escape,

Steve McQueen has joined up.



The British have trilby hats,

overcoats, canoe, bit of a rabbit.



And, er...



Steve's just there

in jeans and a T-shirt.



Disguised as an American man.



He romps out, jumps on a motorbike,

knocks a guy off.



Within    minutes

he reaches Switzerland.



This is from Poland.



And if you don't know the geography,

it goes Poland, Czechoslovakia,



Holland, Venezuela, Africa, Beirut...



the Hanging Gardens of Babylon



and then Switzerland.



Where the Nazi gold comes from.



So, yes.



(lmitates people muttering

about Nazi gold)



I love that. Whenever I say something

slightly weird, you all mutter.



"I'm catching the ferry right now."



Anyway, so Steve's just damn cool.



As soon as he gets on the motorbike,

the music cuts to...



(Sings action film theme)



The British

are all down the train station.



"Can't we do a motorbike? Damn.



"Yes, a train ticket.



"lch möchte einen Ticket to...

nach, erm...er...



"London. No, not London! Erm...




That's nice and Nazi, isn't it?"



"lhre Pässe, bitte."



"My passport? All right." Clang!




"It's a bit clangy and a bit jammy."



"Yes, I'm from

the steel and jam area of Stuttgart."



The British are getting hassled,

Steve's away.



Remember, Jim Rockford

nicks an airplane in that film,



flies to Switzerland



and he gets about    miles

away from it in an airplane.



Steve's on a fucking motorbike

and he gets there. Before him.



What's he got

on the fucking motorbike, jet wings?



The British are being hassled,

the Gestapo are after them.



They're on boats, bicycles,

a rabbit, a kangaroo, pogo stick.



Steve's over the first line

of barbed wire.



lnto the second line of barbed wire.



Doesn't quite make it

but lives to tell the tale.



Meanwhile, the British are all

rounded up and shot in the head.



What signals is this giving to kids

from Britain and America?



American kids saying... (Shaky

accent) "Steve, you're damn cool.



"I'm with you, man, all the way.

Lived to tell the tale, good on you."



Don't know why he's Australian,

but anyway.



"Absolutely. G'day."



We just watch it thinking,

"We're fucked.



"All that planning, the logistics,

we get fucking blown away."



Chip on my... Fish and chips

on my shoulder.



Engelbert Humperdinck, he was a man.



That's not his real name.

He's from Britain.



There's very few Humperdincks

in Britain.



He was born Gerry Dorsey.

His parents were not Humperdincks.



They never said,

"What should we call him



"so he does not get the shit

kicked out of him?"



"We shall call him Engelbert."



"Good. That'll work."



His name was Gerry Dorsey and

he released songs as Gerry Dorsey.



Songs such as...

(Mumbling) Ah Ooh Of Umbachar...



Which didn't work

cos no one could hear him.



Then his manager said, "Let's change

your name, that's the problem."



Gerry Dorsey

became Engelbert Humperdinck.



I wanted to be in the room when

they were working that one through.



"Zingelbert Bembledack!



"Yingybert Dambleban.



"Zangelbert Bingledack.



"Wengelbert Humptyback.



"Slut Bunwallah."




"All right, Kringelbert Fishtybuns.



"Steviebuns Buttritrundle."



"Gerry Dorsey, I like Gerry Dorsey."

"No, we can't.



"Zingelbert Bimbledack, Tringelbert

Wangledack, Slut Bunwallah,



"Klingybun Fistelvase,



"Dindelbert Zindeldack,

Gerry Dorsey,



"Engelbert Humptyback,

Zangelbert Bingeldack,



"Engelbert Humperdinck,

Vingerbert Wingeldanck..."



"No, go back one.



"Engelbert Humperdinck. That's it."



And it worked!



But he's dead now. Did you hear?



Today on CNN,

I heard just as I was coming out.



Very weird because

Frank Sinatra was recently as well.



- Yeah. Mmm.

- (Silence)



This is what I heard on the telly

when I was coming out.



No, it's not true.



No, it is true.



He was in LA and something happened.

That's all I caught.



It was just before I came out.



No, it is true. Er...



He was in a car in LA, something

hit him or something like that.



No, he's all right!



He's fine. He's cooking,

he's jumping, doing his thing in LA.



How do I know? I don't know.



I think he's got a cold,

that's what they said.



No, a tan, that's it.



Back in the '  s, though,



President Kennedy became

the President of the USA.



He went to Berlin,

stood on the Berlin Wall.



He said, "People of Berlin..."

(Hearty American) "People of Berlin."



I can't do an impression of Kennedy.



"People of Berlin..."



No. James Mason playing him -



"People of Berlin, I've come to you

to tell you something about



"the American states.



"I sound a bit like God, don't l?




"I've come to say that

every free citizen of the world



"is a citizen of Berlin.

I wish to say to you...



"lch bin ein Berliner."



And the crowd went fucking wild.



Trouble is, "lch bin ein Berliner"

means "I am a doughnut".



This is true, this is what he said.

"I am a doughnut."



And... As I say,    per cent how you

look,    per cent how you sound,



only    per cent is what you say.



He said, "I am a doughnut,"

they went wild!



"lch bin Berliner"

is "I am a Berliner"



but "lch bin ein Berliner"

is the name of a doughnut.



It's like going to Frankfurt.

"I am a Frankfurter."



"We've heard about that one, Jackie."



Hamburg. "I am a Hamburger."



Lucky he didn't do a tour of Germany.



"I am a hamburger,

a frankfurter and a doughnut."



People in Berlin must've gone,

"Did he say he was a doughnut?"



"I thought he said he was a

doughnut, too. What does that mean?"



"It's slang.

He's American, he's a doughnut.



"A fuckin' doughnut.

Fuckin' doughnut.



"He's a fuckin' doughnut!

A fuckin' doughnut.



"He's a fuckin' doughnut."



"That's what it must mean.

What do you think, Dr Heimlich?"



(Coughing) "I don't... I don't know.



"I have swallowed a football

and I can't get it out...



"Can you perform my maneuver

on me, please? The me maneuver."






"Hilda, get me a map of everything."



Kennedy also made a speech

about space.



"By the end of this decade, I have

decided to put a man on the moon."



At the same time, our Prime Minister

in Britain, Sir Dingly Dang...



You don't know anyway, do you?

You have no idea.



It was Sir Fritz Bunwallah.



Engelbert Slapdeback...



who was Prime Minister,

stood up and said,



"By the end of this decade,

I have decided to put a man



"on the surface of the earth."



And so he did.



But, er...yeah.



It was kind of weird.



Cos, er... Er... I mean...



We couldn't do the space race.

We had no money.



Rationing didn't stop

till the year      .



I still haven't even lived that long.



We didn't have any money.



You were getting

space rockets tested -



a cat, a dog, a fish,

a monkey up into space.



The fish was interesting.



We didn't have enough money to

put a man in a tracksuit up a ladder!



I would've been there - "Go, man!"

"I'm going, I'm going, 'ang on.



"Just hang on to the ladder!



"Hello, Swindon, I am here.



"Swindon, can you hear me?"



"Swindon here. We're monitoring you

on our instruments.



"We've got you on a tuba."



(Quiet laughter)



"That should be a bigger laugh

for that joke, I think."



"Yeah, I can't quite understand it,

I thought it was really funny.



"Swindon - a knackered,

kind of Fresno town..."



"They don't seem to be going for it.



"They're obviously bastards.



"Anyway, Swindon,

I'm nearly at the moon.



"Actually, that's an understatement.



"Have you got more ladder?

We're not quite at the moon yet.



"But I can see right over

the top of the houses. Fantastic!"



But they went to the moon.

Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin



and Michael Collins going round,

working out the lRA thing.



Neil said, "One small step for man,

a giant leap for mankind."



Good line, but not his line.

I bet that was given to him.



He was coming down the steps going,



"A small step for man,

a giant leap for mankind.



"Don't get it wrong.

Don't fuck it up. Here we go.



"I'm a small man with a giant...




"One man small giant to...

to men's...



"What was it?"

You gotta say something.



You can't get out onto the moon

and go, "Oh, it's all sticky.



"It's covered in jam."



You can't go, "Fucking hell,

l've been in that spacecraft...



"Right, I need a piss."



You can't wind down the window -

"Is this the Sea of Tranquility?



"There's no one around."



He had a sense of humor

so he should've used it.



That lunar module - fixed camera,

not panning left and right.



He could've said, "As you can see,

the Sea of Tranquility,



"the mountains, the earth -

you're looking back at yourselves.



"Over to my right, I can see...



"a fucking monster!

There's a monster behind me!



"Oh, no! Help!






"Get off my leg!












Buzz Aldrin in a monster outfit.






Neil saying, "They've got me,

Houston. The monster's caught me.



"He wants cash.



"He's got my hand behind my back,

I think he knows jujitsu.



"He wants cash for my life.

Send a million...two million dollars.



"Leave it in a bag

by the Sea of Tranquility.



"I don't know, the North Shore.

What the fuck...?"



Oh, it would have worked.



They went to the moon

and brought back rock.



The trouble is we've got rock.



That was the one thing

we didn't need.



"Rock, Neil? I don't know

whether you looked at the planet



"but it's made of fucking rock."



"But it's moon rock."

"This is earth rock, Neil, come on.



"Earth rock with special minerals.

It's rock, isn't it?



"Have you heard? On the stock

market, rock's gone up three points.



"No, it hasn't, has it?

Cos it's fucking rock.



"We wanted diamonds or sherbet

or a squirrel with a gun."



So on the moon they found rock.

They've found ice as well.



Rock and ice.

What an exciting planet.



Obviously a party planet.



They went to Mars and found

more rock but it's red this time.



We've got the most boring

solar system I've ever heard of.



And I've never heard of any.



Not one fucking monster has

turned up in the history of looking.



We've been ready for monsters,



we've been waiting for them

for so long.



Pictures, stories, documentaries,

films, programs, television things.



Not one fucking monster!



Nothing, not even a squirrel

with a flute has turned up.



(Sings jaunty flute tune)



"Monster! Very small monster!"



"Get the flute off him,

that's where he gets his power."



(Sings tune)



I think the world needs monsters.

Because we've got this thing of...



Humans are very good

with a little bit of adversity.



Not too much but enough.

So in the Cold War...



The Second World War is better,

the Cold War was negative.



World War ll had everyone

pulling together against something.



Positive stuff came out of it.



Now that the Cold War is gone,

everything's loose and free.



Everyone's obsessed with upstairs.



The X-Files,

lndependence Day, Armageddon,



Deep lmpact, Deep Throat...






All these things.

We're all looking upstairs now.



And in America,

terrorism is happening.



The Oklahoma bombing,



which everyone was sure

was some lslamic thing.



You found out it was

white guys from nearby.



That must have freaked you out

something rotten.



"These guys from around the corner?

They look like us. Oh, fuck."



Yeah, bit of a weird one. And, er...



And the Aryan supremacists

have ideas of



"get some chemical weapons

and kill people."



"What does that achieve?"

"Nothing, really."



It won't work.

White, black or blue supremacists,



especially the blue supremacists,

they'll never work.



If people from

the same genetic group intermarry...



Hello, cousins marrying. Hello-oo?



lQ down the toilet.

Hitler was trying this.



The first generation of Nazis -

"Sieg heil!"



The second generation - "Sieg heil."



The third generation. "Er...Sieg...






"I have no idea."



The FBI caught a guy trying to

access anthrax through the mail.



Who the fuck do you write to

for anthrax?



Is there a big desk? "More requests

for anthrax? Thank you.



"Dear Mrs. Stevens, thank you

for your request for anthrax,



"one of the most dangerous

chemical weapons known to humankind.



"We have pleasure in rushing to you

three buckets of anthrax



"for your own personal use only."



This guy was doing it fraudulently,

he was cunning.



"Dear Sir, my name is Daisy.

I am a cow.



"Erm...l wish to take my own life



"so please send me

three buckets of anthrax,



"as anthrax

is designed to kill cattle



"and I want to end it all right now.



"PS I cannot shoot myself,

as I have no opposable thumb."



But it is, it's the...



Pedigree dogs and mongrel dogs

are the proof of this experiment.



Pedigree dogs are all inbred, you

take their grandmother and nephew...



And they're all next to each other

in the genetic pool.



They look good

but they just go, "Er...woof."



"What do you think about

the latest doggie situation?"






"I like meeting other dogs."



Whereas the mongrel,

with a black patch on a white face,



furry on top and sleek below

because a lion shagged a whippet,



that's the one.



That one nicks your credit cards

and drives to the Bahamas.



I'm gonna finish up today

by talking about puberty,



which is a spiky subject

but it is interesting.



Kids shooting people,

which you've had in America.



Because guns don't kill people,



it's just that certain noise

they make.



And, erm...






It's the bullet ripping through

bodies, that's what kills people.



Have guns but don't allow any

ammunition. We've got it sorted.



They'll just go... "Errrr... Oh."



So, yeah. Before puberty...



At school, I didn't tell kids

I was a transvestite,



cos I thought they might

kill me with sticks.




"He said a word we didn't understand.



"And he won at Scrabble with it."



So, yes.



Most transvestites fancy girls,

you can tell people this.



"Most transvestites fancy girls."

"Who told you that?"



"A transvestite."

"Probably lives in a cave."



"No, an executive transvestite

told me."



"Oh, really? Well. Fantastico."



So, yeah.



I played kiss-chase with the girls.

Tag a girl, she has to kiss you.



But then puberty came and destroyed

my confidence, my everything,



which could be part of what causes

these kids to go and commit murder.



It is such a hell of a gear change.



Before puberty, girls and boys go,

"Girls, eurgh!" or "Boys, eurgh!"



It gets to puberty, you start going,

"Girls, oooh," or "Boys, boys."



Whatever sexual preference,

you start switching on.



You think, "I want to get off with

people, l'd better look my best."



Then Mother Nature says, "No!



"You will look the worst

you'll ever look in your life!"



"Where did I get all this from?






We repulse ourselves.



l'd look in the mirror and go,

"I'm certainly not gonna shag me."



That's what narcissism is all about,



looking in the mirror and going,

"I'd like to have sex with myself."



It's a self-attraction thing.



When you've got the acne thing,

you go, "No way."



Parents should tell you.



"Your hair will go greasy,

your face will become a plague area.



"Here's a book on the Black Death.



"Tufts of hair will grow

on your chin, not in a sexy way



"but in a continuing plague theme.



"Down here -

I'm not even gonna talk about that.



"But here's a picture

of your Uncle Jim.



"Sorry, it's the other way up.



"No, that's your aunt. Sorry.



"That's Queen Victoria."



Um, yeah, so, er...



Puberty is over months and years.



It should be one day.

Get the fucker over with.



Go into school...

(Squeaky) "Sorry I'm late."



By the time you get home... (Gruff)

"I'm off to get a job with a drill."



And that one day at school

will be weird -



(Swinging from high to low)

"Sorry, I don't know.



"Can I be excused?

I seem to have the plague."



Then I had to chat up girls.

l'd never used my voice to do that.



When your voice is breaking,

it's hard.



(Silkily) "Why, Susan, I really...



(Squeakily) ..kind of fancy you."



"I saw you in the...

(Squeaks) ..playground."



I had to chat up girls.

l'd only tagged them before.



I didn't have the power to say,

"Susan, I saw you in class today,



"as the sun shone with a brilliant

light that caught your hair.



"lt was haloed. You turned,

your eyes flashed fire into my soul.



"I immediately read the words

of Dostoevsky and Karl Marx,



"and in the words

of Albert Schweitzer, I fancy you."



But no. At   

you're just going, "Hello, Sue.



"I've got legs.



"Do you like bread?



"I've got a French loaf.






"I love you."



So it was all not working very well

and, er...



Later, when we become more mature,

we have that line,



if you're getting on well

with someone you can say,



"Do you want a cup of coffee?"



If they go, "Yeah, OK,"

then sex is on, yeah?



That's the unwritten rule.

Doesn't always work.



If the President of Burundi says,

"Would you like a coffee?"



you're not supposed to go,

"I'm in here."



"And how do you take it?"

"Any way I find it, big boy.



"Oh, just a cup of coffee?

Oh, right!



"I thought you meant,

'Do you want a cup of coffee?'



"So you're from Burundi, are you?




isn't it? Near Tanzania.



"No, I learnt them all

when I had chickenpox.



"I gotta go now

cos my grandmother's on fire and..."



But normally it works

if you keep the chat sexy.



"I like my coffee hot and strong.



"Like I like my women -

hot and strong.



"With a spoon in them.



"Ah, the curve of the spoon

and the curve of your breast.



"I'd like to run the spoon

across my lips and..."



Then you're pretty close, yeah?



 I,was a very driven boy scout.

Very driven boy scout.



Driven everywhere, I was. And, er...



And I, er...



It's such a crap joke.



Other nights I've never said it

cos it's so crap.



I'm just laughing that you laughed.



But I was. I was a driven boy scout.



No, I was actually just driven.

You know, I was just...



Forget this. Anyway...



I had all the badges. I had my

Landing On The Moon badge.



You know, advanced badges.

My Nuclear Fusion badge.



And my Menachem Begin

Disguise Kit badge.



Which was great.



I was a chief scout -

had my own tribe.



Me and this other chief scout

went on an outing



as chaperones

for these younger girls.



Ten girls, two boys.

Good odds for a shy kid.



We go to an activity center where

you climb a tree and eat a sausage.



It builds your character

so you know about sausages.



We go swimming and I'm doing

splashy-splashy with a girl I fancy.



She's doing splashy-splashy. l'm

going, "Fucking hell, splashy back!"




is the aquatic equivalent of



"Do you want a cup of coffee?"



I think, "I'll do swimmy-swimmy

and maybe she'll do swimmy-swimmy



"in a kind of

chase me-chase me way.



"Then we'll do catchy-catchy

and underwater sexy-sexy."



But I was so elated

that splashy-splashy was working



that I swam like a boy

chased by sharky-sharky.



I swam and I swam and I swam



and I was in Egypt

when they caught up with me.



And that's a long way from England



cos it goes England, Venezuela,

Beirut, Africa, Cincinnati,



Hanging Gardens of Babylon...



It's near Switzerland.



So yeah, it just wasn't working.



I was saving my virginity. lt's cool

to lose your virginity at   .



You say, "I was   . She was   .

I was an animal. What can I say?"



But I was saving my virginity

for a woman made out of breasts.



And, er...



And I was getting on, I was   .



They said, "Have you done it yet?"

I said, "I am not from your country."



You go to college, still nothing.



I thought, "Stop saving yourself

for some imaginary person.



"Just lose your virginity.



"Find anyone,

as long as they've got a pulse.



"Or not.



"Pulse optional."



I was    before I lost my virginity.

   . That's not cool at all, is it?



But then I tell everyone about it,

so that's quite cool.



And I've done it since then.



And, erm...

But the weirdest thing is



I lost my virginity

a year before I lost my virginity.



A year before, when I was    l

actually had a night of way-hey-hey.



So the next morning

was a post-virginity breakfast.



"Just sit there.

# Breakfast, cereal, bacon and eggs.



"# Bit of coffee bubbling away,

freshly squeezed mango juice... ?"



She's going, "You're chipper."



I go, "Yeah, fucking hell,

cos last night...ha-ha-haaa!



"# Lost my virginity ?"



"Oh, yeah? With who?"



I did this for an hour. I was going,

"With you. With you. What the..."



(Clucks wildly)



"What the fuck

was last night all about?"



And we had a conversation.

The word "ejaculation" was said.



And the word "premature", as well.



And I came back with,

"No. Ejaculation mature.



"Mature ejaculation. Not premature.



"Post-mature. Veteran ejaculation.



"Wise, learned man ejaculation.



"Mature man who does the washing-up."



But no, she vetoed it.



She was China in

the United Nations Security Council.



ln the United Nations

Security Council of my virginity.



So it just didn't work.

It fucked me off, I tell you.



But she's dead now, so...



No, she was in LA in a car

with Engelbert Humperdinck.



So that's the end of my show.



I do like to end the show

with a kind of "oh" feeling.



And, er...



And I think

l've done that quite well.



Thank you for being here.

Hope you enjoyed it.









(Cheering continues)



(Clapping dies out)



(Cheering and clapping)



(Clapping fades in and out)






(Applause slowly builds)



(Brief silence, then laughter)



(Applause slowly builds)



(Brief burst, then laughter)



(Clapping in sync with Eddie)












Now, I just want to talk quickly

about language, then we can all go.



Yeah, they say Britain and America



are two countries

separated by the Atlantic Ocean.



And it's true.



No, they say two countries

separated by a common language.



That's the line.

It's an Oscar Wilde line, I think.



And we do

pronounce things differently.



Like you say caterpillar

and we say caterpillar.



And, er...



You say a-LU-minum.

We say alu-MlN-ium.



You say cen-TRl-fugal.

We say centri-FU-gal.



You say leisure.

We say "lizuriay".



You say bay-sil. We say bah-sil.



You say 'erbs and we say herbs



because there's a fucking H in it.



(Laughter and applause)



(Applause dies out)



But you spell through T-H-R-U,

and I'm with you on that



cos we spell it "thruff".



And that's trying to cheat

at Scrabble.



"How can we get that 'ou' sound?"

"A U will work."



"An O as well?"

"We don't need it."



"No, I think an O in."




"And a G as well."




"Yes, a G would be good. We need

a silent G in the background



"in case of any accidents

or something."



"All right."

"And an H as well."



"Fucking hell. Hang on."

"An H in case some herbs come along."



"All right."

"And a Q and a P and a Z.



"Look, it's a word in Scrabble

that's     points."



So, yes. And, er...



We do have slight differences

in that arena.



But in Europe, we have

    languages.     languages.



Just count them. I know you won't.



And future generations of Europeans -



I'm sorry - but we're gonna

have to be bilingual.



English speakers hate this.



"Two languages in one head?

No one can live at that speed.



"Good Lord, man!

You're asking the impossible."



"But the Dutch speak four languages

and smoke marijuana."



"Yes, but they're cheating.



"Everyone knows

marijuana's a drug enhancement



"that can help you on track and field



"to come last

in a team of eight million..."






"..eight million other runners

who are all dead."



I don't know how the Dutch do it.



We're gonna have to learn



and reason one is

for being groovy and doing it.



But the second,

we lose a lot of business in Europe



cos German people phone up, "Wir

haben fünf Millionen Deutschmark..."



"Just fuck off, will you, mate?



"He was speaking German.

I told him to go away. Fuck off.



"I dunno, something about

fünf million in Deutschmarks.



"I told him to get knotted.

We don't want his deustchy markys.



"We do? We do want that?

I'm terribly sorry.



"Oh, fuck. Redial."



Yeah, so, er...



So I'm into this idea.

It's a positive thing, man.



I took my last show, Glorious,

to Paris and I did it in French.



And the French people stared at me



with that look in their eyes of,




Because there's no stand-up

in France



and they're not used to

English people speaking French



but I did it because we could be

the biggest melting pot in the world.



    million people.

All we have to do is melt a bit.



Fucking move it around.



It was partly that and

partly just to go, "Yeah, wherrr."



I learnt French at school

up to the age of   .



Then I kept talking it

endlessly after that.



At school,

the first page I learnt in French



was full of things that are

difficult to get into conversation.



"The mouse is under the table." La

souris est en dessous de la table.



Just slip that in

when you're buying a ticket to Paris.



"Le train à Paris, oui?



"C'est ici? C'est maintenant?

Cinq minutes.



"La souris est

en dessous de la table?"



The other line was,

"The cat is on the chair."



Le chat est sur la chaise,

slightly more easy to fit in.



And, "The monkey is on the branch",

le singe est sur la branche.



Very difficult

to get into a conversation.



Not a lot of jungle in France.



Monkeys thin on the ground.



Thin in the air.

Just generally pretty trim.



And, yeah. So it just wasn't working.



We go to bars and cafés.

That's where we go.



We sit there

and we have chats in the cafés.



"J'aime beaucoup le café,

le café noir et très fort,



"très chaud.



"Avec une cuillère dedans.






"Ah, le virage de la cuillère,

le virage des poitrines.



"Je mets la cuillère

dans la bouche..."



"Je suis le Président de Burundi."



"Ah, oui! Burundi!

Je le connais bien!



"Tout près de Mozambique.



"Non, Tanzanie, Tanzanie!




"Oui, je les ai appris

quand j'ai les pox de poulet.



"Je dois partir maintenant parce que

ma grandmère est flambée."



If you don't speak French,

that was fucking funny, all right?



We go and get hotel rooms -



"Vous avez une chambre, monsieur?"



"Oui, nous avons les chambres,

nous sommes un hôtel!"



"OK, je voudrais une chambre

avec un grand lit, a large bed,



"avec une vue de la mer,

a view of the sea.



"Avec une douche.



"With a spider."

"Oui, monsieur."



"Er...c'est chambre    monsieur."



"   merci beaucoup. Mais -

la souris est en dessous de la table,



"le chat est sur la chaise



"et le singe est sur la branche."






"Il y a un singe sur la branche?



"Le chat? La souris?



"Où est le singe?"



"Le singe est sur la branche."



"Est-ce que le singe

est dans la chambre?"






"Le singe n'est pas dans la chambre.



"Michelle est dans la chambre



"avec le Président de Burundi."



The only way I could get that

into a conversation



was to go to France with a cat,

a mouse,



a monkey, a table and a chair



and wander round

heavily wooded areas.



"Come on, come on.



"Someone's coming. Quick, positions.

Les positions, maintenant!"



"Boulot! Boulot! Tout de suite!



"Vas-y, vas-y.






"Eh, bonjour.



"Qu'est-ce qui se passe?"



"Bonjour, je suis Anglais,

je suis ici en vacances.



"C'est très belle ici,

les couleurs, les bras, très belle."



"Ouais, ouais.



(lnhaling) "Ouais, ouais.



"Tu es un travesti?"



"Ouais, je suis un travesti,

mais pas un travesti typical.



"Je suis un travesti executif.



"Un travesti d'action."



"Très bien."



"Mais la souris

est en dessous de la table,



"le chat est sur la chaise



"et le singe est s...






"Le singe est disparu."



Cos the monkey would fuck off.

He'd do his own thing.



He was a bloody monkey.

He was a cheeky monkey.



He knew my French wasn't good,

so he'd go and do things.



"Ah, regarde -

il est sur une bicyclette.



"ll joue au banjo.



"Et il fume une pipe.



"Maintenant il arrête,

il lit un journal, il a un journal.



"Et maintenant il est dans l'autobus!



"ll conduit l'autobus.



"Et Sandra Bullock

est dans l'autobus!



"ll y a une bombe dans l'autobus!



"ll faut conduire l'autobus

plus de    kilomètres par l'heure.



"Et Keanu Reeves! Là!

ll arrive dans la voiture!



"ll a pas de cheveux

et Jeff Daniels est déjà mort.



"Regarde, il se jette dans l'autobus.



"Et Dennis Hopper, ooh,

Dennis Hopper, quel méchant!"



That was the film Speed in French.



Which in France

was called La Vitesse.



Or it should have been.

But in fact, it was called Speed.






So in conclusion,

ladies and jelly spoons...






America, you have the American Dream.



We haven't got

the European Dream yet.



We've got to get a dream to build on.



The American Dream is to be born

in the gutter and grow up



and get all the money in the world

and stick it in your ears and go...



The American Dream.



A fantastic dream of money in your

ears and swimming through fivers.



The American Dream. ln Europe,

we haven't got a dream yet.



Well, the dream was...






"Whuurrrr. Get off, ya fuckin'..."






"Flag. No.



"Whaoooh. (Gasps)



"Oh, God.



"Hilda. Hilda, wake up, Hilda."



"What is it, Dr. Heimlich,

you waking-up type person?"



"I have dreamed the European Dream -



"that everyone spoke a different

language and hated each other.



"Oh, that's true, isn't it?"

That was the dream.



But maybe now, the dream

is to be in the south of Europe -



in Greece, in ltaly, in Spain -



and to be on a moped

with no helmet on going, "Ciao."



That's a cool dream. lt's not much

but it's as good as we've got.



And it's pretty funky,

cos when you die,



you look a mess.



I don't know. I just like it.



Cos you're on a fucking hairdryer.



There's dogs walking faster than you.



It's just pretty damned cool for me.

That's the European Dream.



- Thank you very much.

- (Cheers, applause and whistles)




Special help by SergeiK