Eddie Izzard: Glorious Script - Dialogue Transcript

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Eddie Izzard: Glorious Script






Well, Times Square.



I just had to do a show right here



and it's brilliant to do it in Times Square

because there's always a bunch of people



who can hang around

and watch me talk complete rubbish.



(d Suede: Filmstar)



D Filmstar, propping up the bar



d Driving in a car, it looks so easy



d Filmstar, propping up the bar



d Driving in a car tonight d



I've lost my comedy!



- (Phone)

- Hello?



- You've gotta be on the edge.

- There's no one at the fire station.



Some people are not on the edge,

they're right on the lid.



(Deep male voice)

'As you've never seen him.'



You will be the movie, you will be the star.



You don't love me any more!



'Lnternational comedian.'



...avec la couronne.



- I love your work.

- It's very good, isn't it?



Don't worry, I'll come.



'Edward J lzzard... '



- Do you think it's easy to wear lipstick?

- (Siren)



'... enters the American dream.'



I want to be bigger than McDonald's.



The first image

we wanna get across is girls.



Why don't we go to bed? A lot of sex.



- We need a stand-in.

- Still goes like a rocket.



I'm willing to prostitute myself.



Not in a tacky way, in a good way.



- Fighting.

- Oi, Tracey.



My name



is not






I wanna live till I die, no more, no less.




(Man) 'You can't fight off the speed

of the life he lives.'



Leave me a-fucking-lone!



- Moody.

- Moody.



- Pressure.

- I don't give a shit about those girls in Paris.



We need a section on your background.



I was born in Yemen.



So I've got to say I was born in France?



The horror!



I want money, fame and integrity too.



All right, I was born in there.



Danger could be my middle name.

But it's John.



(Cheering, whistling)



Hammersmith Apollo!



Was Hammersmith Odeon,

now Hammersmith Apollo!



Labatt's Apollo? Er, no.






Large drink, I think, erm.



Hamburger Albert Hall

McDonald's Burger Thing.



New future of eating things. Strange, yeah?



And Apollo, the god of the sun.



Odeon, god of popcorn and, er,



Coca-Cola and cinemas.



I don't know what's going on there.



So, welcome to the Hammersmith Apollo.



Sorry about the cameras tonight,

I hope it doesn't get in the way.



If you're pissed off then I'll pull them out

and throw them in the street.



Good, no, everyone's fine.



We'll still just do the show cool.



Occasionally, the lights

might come up at the side



and you'll go, "Oh, I can see myself."



We just want to know you're still there.



So there might be a few things but I'll be

extra funny tonight, just for you people,



an extra   % funny.



You can't check, can you? Ah.



Unless you came every night with

a laughometer. "Well, five. Fuckin' hell."



So. D Dum-de dum...



d Comedy, big fuck-off room d






forgotten it now.



Oh, yes, the Old Testament, the beginning

of the world. The Old Testament.



That's where stuff began,

in the Christian version of things.



Everyone had beards,

big fuck-off beards in the Old Testament.



And the deep voices - "Oh, I say to you.



"And Elijah and the clouds and chariots...

The burning bush.



"Oh, beard on fire, shit.



"Into the Dead Sea.



"Ooh, a goatee."



Even the dogs in the Old Testament -

big beards.



"Woof, woof, I say to you.

A biscuit? Thank you."



In English comic books, "woof, woof'.



In French comic books, "ouah, ouah".









So, God created the world in seven days.



A foolish brag, I feel. If I was God I'd say,



"I'm going to create the world

over a number of days.



"Not sure how long,

might be a bit pressed, you know."



Too much pressure, seven days dead.



Do it like Microsoft - "lt'll be done

by Saturday, Tuesday, next week.



"We'll bring it out

when we're fucking ready, right?"



I think God was actually in bed

and his mum said,



"Get out of bed, God, you'll miss

the best part of the day."



His mum was Mrs Badcrumble.

"Get out of bed..."



(Audience cheer)



She's just my clarinet teacher, right.



"Get up, you'll miss the best part of the day."



And God, who was James Mason, said,



"No, I won't get out of bed, Mother,



"because I haven't yet

created the best part of the day. Ah.



"Ah, can't get me on that one.

Box clever, you see."



"Oh, you wee young scallywag.



"I'll box you a bit later." So.



So then God created the world and on

the first day he created light and air and fish



and jam and soup and potatoes

and haircuts and arguments



and small things

and rabbits and people with noses



and jam, more jam, perhaps, and, er,



and soot and flies and tobogganing



and showers and toasters

and grandmothers



and Belgium.






the second day he created fire

and water and eggnog and radiators



and lights and Burma



and things that go "urh"



and... and Colonel Gaddafi



and Arthur Negus.



On the third day he probably

got lists and said,



"I can't remember what I've invented now.



"I've just been ad-libbing so far."



And so everything built up

through the days.



You know how if you've got a deadline,

everything builds up.



On the seventh day God was in a panic,

"Oh, what haven't I...?



"Rwanda, better create Rwanda.



"Oh, sorry, haven't quite done that.

The Tower of Pisa.



"It's leaning, oh, damn.



"Toilets in French camping sites,

there we go.



"English football hooligans,

whatever that is.



"Mrs Thatcher's heart.

There we... Oh, fuck that.



"I'll put a stone in, that'll work. There we go."






The next week people

are coming back going,



"Rwanda doesn't work very well.



"The infrastructure is fucked."



"I'm terribly sorry,

I'll put some more jam here. And...



"And a mountain of cabbages

and a radiator."



"Thank you, that's just what we wanted."



This is them dragging Rwanda back



to lay it out on the map.



No one got that.



Never do that piece again.



So, stuff happened. Yes, it unfolded.



And Cain killed Abel, fatted calf, "doof', erm.



And there came

a period a number of centuries later



when God said, "No, no, everything is bad.



"I will send a flood,

kill everything and start again."



It was the Etch A Sketch

end of the world, basically.



No, no.



"Don't know what that is,

don't recognise that any more."



Remember with Etch A Sketch when

you'd done a house and a sun at the top,



you'd try to do a dog down here and you had

to leave vapour trails all the way along.



Oh, bugger it.



So God said, "I will sent a flood.

   days,    nights and lots of umbrellas.



"But I will save two of everything because

it looks good on a seesaw photo."



Two hippos.



"Noah, stop what you're doing

and build me an ark."



And Noah, with Sean Connery

playing the role,



"I'm working on a speedboat at the moment.



"It's much more exciting -



"bigger engine and it can

shoot across the water like that."



"No, I want an ark with a big room for poo."



"Look, a speedboat, it'll kick ass.



"Lt'll give great photos

to the people in the Bible.



"We can get all the animals

with long ears to sit along the side.



"Look fucking excellent.

Excellent photographs."



"No, you'll build me an ark.

You can put a big engine in that if you want."



"OK, I suppose.



"It's a compromise."



So he started to saw up

pieces of wood to make the ark.



(Sawing noise)



It's not how you start sawing.

You start by going...



(Faster sawing)



It's impossible to start, isn't it?

(Fast sawing)



Then you get into that middle bit.



(Slower sawing) Which feels good.



Where you feel like your dad.



Your dad used to say,

"I'm just going out to the garage



"to saw a plank of wood in half."



(Slow sawing noise)






"There we go.



"Now, Dr Bronowski on Sunday television.



"The Ascent Of Man." (Snores)



Sundays with my dad, that was.



No, you want a speed saw, much quicker.



N-zuh. Hoh-hah.



Those power saws, much better.



The sawing has a difficult start,



then it goes a bit better

and by the end it's back to,



(Fast sawing)



And after a while Noah realised

he was actually punching a baboon.






"Stop hitting me."






"Leave me alone, I'm trying to sleep."



"I'm not punching you, this is my mime.



"I'm making an ark, get out of my mime.

I don't want you in mime."



"What have you got

against baboons in mime?"



"Nothing, you can do your own mime,

but not in my mime.



"Not on my mime.



"It's my motto - 'No baboons in mime'."



"You don't know what you're talking about,

do you?"



"I did before but I don't now."



So, he built an ark and that was great



and then he collected two of every animal

from all around the world,



including two baboons,

one a bit punch-drunk.



"He was hitting me,

I didn't know what was going on."



He was going,

"What have we got here? Two dogs, OK.



"Long ears? Along the side, please.



"I'll explain it to you later.



"Two sheep? Well done.

On you get, sit along the side there.



"Two cats, small ears? Inside the boat.



"Two ducks?"

The ducks are going, "We're not coming."



"There's going to be

an enormous fuck-off flood."






"What's the big problem?"



There's a huge hole

in the whole flood drama



because anything that could

float or swim got away scot-free



and it was the idea to kill everything.



He didn't say, "I will kill everything except

the floating ones and the swimming ones



"who will get out due to a loophole."



In a James Mason voice.

"I will kill everything



"except the floating ones

and the swimming ones...






"Sorry, I was offstage in my trailer.

Someone else did my lines."



So, yes. Anything that could float -



your bad ducks, your bad geese,

your bad swans.






Bad ducks going,

"Quack, quack, quack, ooh. Blargh."



"Ha ha."



They're the spitting ducks.



Your bad fish. "Boh."



Bad pilot fish with those little lights

on the top. Evil pilot fish.



Really bad. The ones that go round in twos



and swim up to other fish

with their lights at the front.



And the other fish go,

"No, it's a car coming towards me! Ah!"



Whoosh! "Hey!



"Bloody pilot fish! You evil pilot fish!



"I know your dad."



That's how a fish walks if he's English.



"Don't know what just happened there."



Yes. So it's a big hole in the whole thing.



With humans,

we understand the idea of good and bad,



of evil and very, very good,

saintly, I suppose.



But with animals -

what, in fact, is an evil giraffe?



"I will eat all the leaves on this tree.



"I will eat more leaves than I should



"and then other giraffes may die.






"I am an evil herbivore."



It's very difficult to be evil. "I will hide berries

where no one has seen them. Ha-ha."



But with dogs, we do have "bad dog".

"Bad dog" exists. "Bad dog!



"Bad dog, stole a biscuit, bad dog."



The dog's saying,

"Who are you to judge me?



"You human beings have had wars against

people of different creeds and colours



"and I stole a biscuit?



"Is that a crime?



"People of the world!"



"Well, if you put that way,

I suppose you've got a point.



"Have another biscuit, sorry."



That's a dog owned by a giraffe.



Yes! I'm quite interested in death

in a kind of morbid way. Erm.



Which goes together.

Well, death just happens.



Boom and vmph, and that's just it. There.



Erm, confusing beast.



Some people have the life force. My gran

had it, she just would not check out.



She had three strokes

and was paralysed down the left-hand side.



She was still in there, "I'm sticking here."



The Grim Reaper must have been on her

shoulder. "Come, old lady, it is your time.



"We go to the Land of the Dead.



"Come, we will travel across

the River Styx on my boat.



"Two, please.



"One and one OAP.



"What? Are you coming?"



My gran's still at home.

"No, I'm not coming.



"Got stuff to do. I've got to sit around

and talk weird for a couple of years."



Which was the unfortunate downside

of the stroke thing.



I kept visiting her and I was

her mother-in-law, her daughter-in-law,



her brother's son, it shuffled around.



She was a very energetic woman.



You know, at a certain age,

you get the gran's coat that they go round in



and the cake on the head type thing.



"   Rothmans, please. Thank you."



That was me gran.



The Grim Reaper must have a tough time

because women don't die, they go on.



Men just go,    boom.



"Come on, where's your stamina? Ah."



D "Bom-bom-bom.

I am a gran, I live forever" d



The Grim Reaper, "I could not get

the women, they would not come.



"I got the men, the men are all lined up."



"Yes, thank you, we're ready for bed.



"Can we get pyjamas, please?"



"No pyjamas in the Land of the Dead."

"I was told pyjamas in the brochure."



"I don't think..." "Yes, pyjamas..." "No..."



"But..." "No..." "Ooh!" "Ooh!"



"Oh, I've got your scythe, I'm sorry.

I don't know what's going on."



"It was a mime problem.



"There's a baboon here,

what's he doing here?"



"I don't know, someone was punching me,

I'm just in the line."



God is there in the Land of the Dead,



"Grim Reaper,

you could not get the women?"



Sorry, in my James Mason voice,



"You could not get the women?

What was the problem?



"Didn't you reap them

with your grim reaping equipment?"



"I tried that. But the women,

they all know hopscotch.



"And they leapt over."



They did and it's a secret, religious, weird,



ceremonial rite of passage

for girls that women know.



Hopscotch was bizarre for boys

because boys never played.



As a boy I was behind walls going,

"What happens? What do they do?



"What do they do here?" And they had

a track laid out with mystic numbers -



one, five, seven, eight, you know.



A bit of a broken doll there.



Some girl keeping lookout

with a skipping rope.



In case the clergy came by -

"Run, run, it's the clergy!



"Run, it's the Pope and everyone."



They do that skipping stuff, don't they?



Young girls and huge fuck-off boxers

are the two groups of people



that have a joining line.



"Jam, elephants, peanuts, elephant

and dung, jumping up and down...



"Change!" (Mumbles)



And huge fuck-off boxers are doing

the same thing - "One, elephant..."









I've never seen young girls and

big fuck-off boxers do it at the same time.



(Mumbles in deep voice)



(Mumbles in high voice)



The impressions here are kind of sketchy.



(Mumbles in high voice)



"You have a very high voice for a boxer."



(High voice) "Yes, I do."



(Deep voice) "I have

a very deep voice for a girl."



Sorry, I was talking about hopscotch.




this strange religious experience.



All the numbers and there was

one girl on the course, they go girl by girl.



D Frére Jacques, Frére Jacques,

dormez-vous? D



I think that was training for this

with the leg stuff.



D Sonnez les matines d



And at some point she'd go,

"Oh, no, I fucked it up. Oh."



And boys watching would go,

"What? Did what wrong?



"Fucked up what? What did they do right?

It makes no sense."



And they'd all drift off

and boys would walk over the course -



"What happened here? We should

do an archaeolo... loshical dig."



"We should do a what?"



"An archaeological dig.

My tongue got stuck in my back tooth.



"Checking for stuff."



Thank you, one person.



So, that's just true.

We were kids, we grew up,



we end up doing things, the job thing.



The careers officer comes to school -



I was going to be in the army,

ended up doing stand-up comedy.



Slightly different.

Slightly more make-up the way I went.



Army's only got that night-time look and, er...



It doesn't work for me.



This is true, in the army thing,

I liked that running, jumping, standing still.



"I can see you in a tree, aha," part of it.



So, stand-up comedy - vocation.

You can't just fall into it.



There's others, like taxidermist.



You can't go, "I was working in a chip shop



"then I started stuffing animals with sand."



You've got to want it. "I wanna be

a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand.



"I want to get more sand into an animal



"than anyone's ever bloody got in an animal.



"I want to fill a rat

with the entire Gobi desert



"so it's really quite tight."



They should put more things in,

sand gets boring.



"Porridge. I'm doing this one with porridge."



B-dum, b-dum. Staple gun.



"Your dog's finished, I filled him

with porridge. Thbpth!"



"It's a bit floppy."

"Yeah, that's porridge for you.



"You've got a two-level effect."



"That's got a nine-level effect."



"I've done your cat - he's with helium."



"It's a bit high up." "That's helium for you.



"There's no height restriction.



"Do you want it here?" Woosh.






"In fact, grab hold, I've got two controls."

"What? Oh, right, I see. Er."



There's a cat going whoo, whoo.



With that fixed expression.



Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist.



"I've done your dog.

He's got nine eyes down the side,



"I've made his head all square.

   legs, what do you think?"



"Er, Fido looks a bit weird."



Beekeepers as well. Beekeepers, yes.

They've got to want to be...



"I want to be a beekeeper,

I want to keep bees.



"I don't want them to get away,

I want to keep them.



"They have too much freedom.



"I want bees on elastic so

when they get pollen they come back here.



"My father was a beekeeper before me,

his father was a beekeeper before him.



"I want to walk in their footsteps -

which were like this - Aaaah!



"Aaaah! I'm covered in bees! Aaaah!



"Covered in bees!"



Cos that's your job, isn't it?

Beekeepers must lose it occasionally.



You're there, you've got the netting,

you've got      bees.






And essentially you're trying to steal honey.






"Morning, morning, morning, morning.



"Hello. Knock knock. Coming in, hello.



"Look, there's a Ferrari over there,

can you see that Ferrari?



"Yes, it's going very fast, isn't it?



"Well, morning. Thank you."



They must be walking back

with all these bees around



and they must go

"What the fuck am I doing?



"I'm covered in bees!






"I'm covered in bees!"



You don't get the perks of a normal job.



If you work in an office,

there are other people there, you can flirt.



"Hey, you're new here.

How are you getting on?



"Do you want a coffee?

I was just getting one, I can get you one.



"I like my coffee like I like my women -



"in a plastic cup."



Beekeepers can't do that,

with      bees. (Droning)



"Hello there, you in the street.

You're new, aren't you?"






"Er... Do you want a cup of coffee?

It's no problem."



- (Droning)

- "No real problem."



"I don't want a cup of coffee from you,

you're covered in bees."



"I like my women like I like my coffee -



"covered in bees.



"Now back off, back off, back off.






They're always just behind you, or in front.



If beekeepers go on a general outing,

is their van followed by a load of bees?



- "Faster, faster."

- (Droning)



"Faster! Put your foot down."






And they have a queen bee

and we have a queen bee in this country.



The monarchy system, gradually,

over a period of time, has fallen apart



but in Britain it's stayed together

while falling apart at the same time.



And I think people become their faces,



as they get older, people look how they are

and the Queen is too severe.



She's... Hmm.



The glasses get bigger and bigger.



She's becoming an owl.



Her glasses will be bigger

than her body at some point.



And then she will light fires everywhere.



She'll live forever,

she's got the old woman thing.



D "Bom-bom-bom.

I'm the Queen, I'll live forever



d "I'll never die, I'll live to a million" d



The Queen Mother!

D "Bom-bom-bom.



D "I am the Queen, I'll live forever" d



The Queen Mother is amazing,

she's got artificial hips,



she has an artificial arm, a bionic eye.



She cost six million dollars!



(d Sings The Six Million Dollar Man Theme)






"Paparazzi,      yards."




"Off with the tiara." (d Resumes theme)






(d Resumes theme)



The Six Million Dollar Man,

he was a bit slow really.



He had amazing powers.



"OK, Steve, you've got to get those

bad guys over there."



"I'm right on it, Oscar."



(d Resumes theme)



"Little bit faster, if you could, Steve.

They're going to get away."



You're watching on telly.

"Oh, I'll get a coffee. This is taking forever."



As long as the music was going.




You get back

and he's somewhere near the car.



People are by the car going, "Jesus.



"Oh, he's hit me."



So, yes, the Royal Family. Hmm.



Diana died, Diana died, and...



Everyone's gone quiet, what's going on?



No, I'm not doing big laugh death jokes.



I don't do those because

it's not a big funny area for me.



But she did die and we were thrown by it.



Some people were big fans

and were having a lot of grief time.



I was not a big fan. I didn't dislike her.



I preferred Diana's direction

to the Queen's direction.



The Queen's just "Hmm".



Diana was slightly more "mm" and...



So I preferred that direction

but I think we were thrown



because it was like a soap opera.



Front page for the last four months,

Dodi and Di, on holiday,



and that was so in your face

that you had to be thrown.



It happened one night

and you woke up and went, "What? Weird."



And it was something like The X-Files.



That's huge, it's all over the world,



Scully, Mulder, front page, no clothes.



Erm, kinda similar,



imagine if an episode came out

on a Monday at  am



and they killed off the characters

and we went, "What? Has it finished now?



"I was watching that.



"Just Monday night and..."



It just throws you, you know.



Scully always there, she's so, "Look, Mulder,



"I don't believe that Martians with big elbows

are taking over the world."



"There's tons of files on that thing, Scully.

You've got to read these files."



By the end of the show there's

Martians with big elbows everywhere.



She's swatting them off

with a tennis racket, "I believe you, Scully!






"Do you know who you are?" Anyway.



So, it happened,



and so there was a mother who died,



there was a lot of sympathy

towards the kids, one    one    I think.



That was understandable.



And my dad said something to me -



"My mum died when I was six

and my brother was eight.



"No one gave a shit."



It was interesting

because a lot of people die,



people at the concentration camps

and no one does give a shit.



There was a lot of focus on that



so I don't know how it all

fits together but we were thrown.



And everyone came on telly,



there was Bill Clinton, Tony Blair, saying,



"We're sorry about this."

The Queen said nothing.



Monday, nothing. Tuesday, Wednesday,

nothing. Thursday, nothing.



Friday, as if someone

was pushing her in the back. "Get on!"






It was as if Charles was there going,

"Get on the bloody thing."



"But it's not Christmas. I'm not...



"Charles, it's not Christmas. I'm on holiday

in Scotland, what's going on?"



The problem with the Queen is

she doesn't know how to talk from the heart



and that's what we deal with now.



Someone says, "Look, I fucked up at this"

or, "I'm trying to do this."



But she's there saying,

"We're very sorry about Diana, she died."



And you're not connecting there.



I would have more respect

for the Queen if she said,



"Diana, she died

and that's very sad but we didn't get on



"and she went in a different direction



"but I didn't want her to die

and so that's a sad thing."



I'd have more respect

if she was upfront about it



and also if she said, "About resigning

the throne, I'm never gonna do that.



"I'm staying here.



"I've superglued the crown onto my head



"and, as I speak, I'm strapping myself in.



"Fuck off.



D "I'm an old lady" d



Cos she's not going, is she? She's not.



She's going for Queen Victoria's record,

I can see that.



There's a glint in the eye. Queen Victoria

was queen for      years.



And she won't resign.

What will her mother do?



"I'm the mother of the Queen Mother

of the King of the..."



She'd be lost. She's staying in there,

superglued onto the throne.






Going on holiday like this.



Back in the '  s she was quite sexy

in a sort of difficult-to-believe but...



But she was.



In a kind of, you know, the '  s skirts,



"Fancy the Queen, yeah.

Got her picture on my locker door, yeah.



"Shag the Queen."



In the '  s, London and Britain was hip

for the first time since the Civil War



and the Queen should have gone with it,

slipstreamed in there.



Short skirts, E-type Jags, cigarette.



Vrooom, vrooom...



Police coming up,

"Hey, lady, you're speeding."



"Fuck off, I'm the Queen."






"Where to now, Phil?



"Phil, read the map the right way up

for God's sake."



Prince Philip, he's a card.



Has the habit of saying things like,

"You're all a bunch of bastards.



"Was that bad?



"I don't know what was going on."



They tumble out.






You expect him to go on one of these

ceremonial visits with a big bit of tape on.



It was      I think, China -

a bunch of British students there,



he went up and said, "Don't stay here

too long, you'll become all slitty-eyed."



Off the map, isn't it?



Even as a joke it's just so stupid.



Like no one was going to mention it.

What the fuck?



He's like some ambassador

turning up saying,



"You're all fuckers,

why don't you all piss off?



"Your problem is you're all foreigners.






"Did it go well, do you think?



"What phrase in particular?"



Back in olden times they had

a big royal screw-up, the siege of Troy.



There was Helen, who became Helen

of Troy but was Helen of Greek lands first,



married to King Menelaus



and Paris came over from Troy.



He was obviously some swarthy...

"Hi, my name is Paris.



"Queen Helen, let us kiss with tongues."



And Helen went, "Oh, I fancy him."

And voom!



Next day, apparently, she shot off with him.



And the whole siege of Troy began,

which is the myth we had, but it's true.



They found Troy. A German archaeologist

dug it up with very precise tools and...



"  .  metres down, I found it, very precise,

it's here." In a very German way.



And we have archaeology on TV.



I quite like it, it's a sort of detective thing

but it's really tricky, you know, it's there.



But it's kind of slow on telly.



It has this problem of,

"We've been here three weeks on live TV



"and we've dug up

a millimetre of topsoil so far.



"There's men with brushes and beards.



"Maybe they've just got beards, I'm not sure.



"We've found this and carbon dated it

to last Tuesday, so we're very excited."



It's too slow. Our attention spans are short.



"We need stuff! Quick, change the channel."



We want, not slow archaeology,

we want speed archaeology.



We want big fuckers with diggers.



"You've got    minutes to find a city."



"All right! Let's go!"



D Bam-ba-bam-ba-ba-ba-bam-bam! D



"Get the diggers in!" Brrr! Brrr!



"What the fuck?

Get that skull out of the way.



"Pottery everywhere!



"What have we got?"

And they always find in archaeology,



a series of small walls.



Every time, a series of small walls.

Everywhere you go.



"We found a series

of small walls, we're very excited.



"We think this proves

that they had walls in olden days.



"They were very small.

A series of small-walled people."



And then someone,

very learned with glasses, says,



"The King and Queen entertained here.



"     courtiers

and       soldiers in this room.



"And elephants

dancing hopscotch over there.



"Mad fiddler in this room, playing the banjo.

Viaducts and aqueducts..."



And you watch going,

"You're making this up, mate."



You just point at a series

of small walls and say,



"Tutankhamen played banjo in there."



Don't know if it's true.



Anyway, siege of Troy -

Helen eloped with Paris,



the Greeks got fucked off and went

to Troy in big ships and the siege began.



The great warriors were there -

Agamemnon, famous warrior,



Ajax, famous toilet cleaner,



and Achilles, immortal man, immortal body



except he had an Achilles heel.



What an irony.



"You mean I'm called Achilles, Mum,

and I have an Achilles heel as well?



"I'll be a laughing stock.



"Oh, bloody hell."



Achilles must have gone into battle like this.



"Get off! Get off the heel, get off!

You buggers."



The Trojans with crabs and lobsters...

"Get them on his heel."



"No, not the crabs and lobsters! Aah! Aah!



"Come on, you buggers,

I've got my foot..."



If I was Achilles, I'd put my foot

in a fuck-off block of concrete. For starters.



Then ptoo, ptoo, ptoo -

arrows shooting off everywhere.






"Block of concrete. No problem at all.



"See these swords here? Thbpth!



"No problem."



Wa-oo, wa-oo, wa-oo!






The slight downside -

he'd have a maximum radius after that.



"Could you come over here, please?



"Could you come over here?



"Could you come over here, please?

I've got something to show you.



"I can't show you

unless you come over here. Damn."



He'd have to put wheels

on the block of concrete.






But we know trolleys. They don't quite

work like this. It'd be... (Squeaks)



"Thanks for waiting."



Much better would be

to have a hovercraft bottom bit on.



(High-pitched hum)



(Descending hum)






(Ascending hum)



And after a hard day's battle he could

get home and change from blow to suck.



(High-pitched hum)



"Mum, the plug needs moving."






It's the noise that's the best fun

in hoovering. Booo.






Booo! Oooh! Booo! Oooh!



Until it breaks.



"I've bust it, Mum."



Good strong Hoovers are good.

(Low hum)



Sometimes you're hoovering away

and it makes that funny noise.






And you carry on hoovering,

thinking, "Was that a bit of grit?



"Was that a piece of money?



"Or was that the Treasure

of the Sierra Madre?



"Must know, must find out, what's in it?



"Ah, it's a bit of grit. Damn."



But the power Hoovers are much better



than those old Pushmi-pullyu no-power...






With little turny brushes.



And the dust would say,

"What exactly are you trying to do?"



(Comic accent)

"We're trying to whisk you.



"Whisk you into the hod-de-de-de."



"But we're coming

straight back down again."



"I don't know about that, you know?

I'm just a hod-de-de-de."



"Where exactly are you from?"



"I don't know, man, I got this crazy accent.



"I've no idea."



So, anyway, Achilles was there.




He had this Achilles heel



and that's because

all his important stuff was in there.



His brain, liver, lungs and spleen.




The rest of his body was empty

except for potpourri.



Which is a genius invention. Someone said,



"I will take stuff that fell from trees,

put underarm deodorant on it



"and sell it to posh people."



Who buy it! "   quid a jar?

Thank you very much.



(Posh English accent) "Thank you,

this is wonderful. Big ribbon. Thank you."



You couldn't sell it to ordinary people.

"Sack of potpourri, five pence a sack."



"That's stuff that fell off trees."



"Only five pence."



Anyway, Achilles was full of it.



And he died and the siege continued



and after ten years of siege,

the Greeks got pissed off and thought,



"We'll play one big last trick on them."



And they built a huge wooden horse,

    metres high,



wooden, hollow horse, put some soldiers

inside, left it there.



They built this big horse and said,

"We're going now, bye!



"You've won, well done. Bye.



"We're in our ships. Bye.

We've left you a big horse.



"As per usual. Bye.



"As you normally do in these situations

we've left an ordinary ceremonial horse.



"Bye. Thought you'd like it."



It doesn't make any sense

that the Trojans believed that.



After ten years you'd be pissed off,

you'd leave some dog poo behind.



"That's what we think of you, you bastards."



Helen's still in there. "We built you

a big horse, we thought you'd like it."



The Greeks sailed away

to make it look convincing,



over the horizon, where it dips down.



If you've ever been there.



They just hid behind the horizon.



So they could get a good look,

they stapled fish onto their helmets.



Then they turned the fish round.



For accuracy.



The horizon is where the water tumbles over

into a huge waterfall.



Underneath the waterfall is a cave



and in the cave is Daniel Day-Lewis,

Elisabeth Shue and a load of Mohicans



and Daniel Day-Lewis is saying,

"Just stay alive and I will find you,



"no matter what occurs."



Then he jumps into the shower.



Lost everyone.



No one understands.



Yeah, forget that.



So they left the big horse

and the Trojans came out -



"Ooh, big horse,

just what we've always wanted.



"Hey, Helen, get a look at this. Big horse."



They should have checked

to see whether it was hollow.



Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap. Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap.



(Deeper) Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap.

"Hey." Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap.



"This one's hollow, get it open."



They'd open it up and inside

there'd be a load of Greeks. "Hello.



"Oh, have they gone?

I didn't set the alarm this morning. Aw.



"We were just cleaning up."




(High-pitched hum)






"Yes, hello. Er, yes, we're Greek.



"This is Agamemnon, I'm Ajax,

and this is Prince Philip of England.



"Don't say a bloody word!

Do not say anything."



So, the New Testament.






The New Testament, yes.

That was a short beard testament, I think.



And it began slap-bang on nought AD,

right in the kisser.



Which made the people

who made calendars very happy



because they were going out of their minds.



"So we go five, four, three, two, one, nought

and then what?



"Where do we go after that?

Year A, year B, what?



"Call it year peh? Year flumdoo?



"Year crumbadu? Do we just make it up?

What do we do?



"And AD - who is D?"



"I can tell you that, that's Domino -

makes pizzas. Erm.



"I don't know quite what's going on."



"We never knew who C was.

BC - who's C?"



Anyway, they found out,

and Mary and Joseph and baby Jee.



And all the calendar people came and said,



"Oh, Mary, Joseph, thank you. Good timing.



"Six days early, actually, so, er.



"But it's Christmas so... Spirit of goodwill."



Baby Jee was there and the three wise men

came from the Old Testament



with big fuck-off beards.



"Baby Jee, we have followed the star,



"which was a lamppost for a while

and we went in circles but now we are here.



"We got a bit pissed

somewhere near Birmingham



"and now we are here with presents!



"Baby Jee, we bring you gold! Ah.



"We bring you frankincense. Ah.



"And we bring you myrrh. Er...



"Yes, I think if you rub it on the back

of a duck, it goes quite fast.



"That's what... Or maybe it's a small banjo?



"If you can spell it you can have it,

how about that?"



Baby Jee was very happy.

"Thank you for my Christmas presents.



"And for my birthday presents?"



"What? Christmas and birthday, isn't it?



"You were born and it's Christmas.

Two presents. Ah, you're the first...



"Are there any shops open?"



Mary and Joseph -

"Er, late-night petrol station, try that."



"Brilliant, good idea. We'll be right back.



"Get out, get out of it.

Get the beard out the way."



   minutes later they came back.

"Sorry, we're here.



"Baby Jee, we bring you    cigarettes.



"A Diet Coke.



"And a sack of charcoal!"






"Sack of charcoal?"



"They always have them at petrol stations.



"Yes, very funny gag

in England and France.



"Not in America -

it goes down like a lead balloon."



"Don't they have charcoal at...?"

"No, they don't."



"Did you cut it out of the show?"

"No, couldn't be buggered.



"Couldn't be buggered."






"Just had a conversation with you about

how it works in Europe but not in America."



"Oh, I see."



So, yes, Baby Jee's very happy.

"Thank you for all my presents.



"But stick around

cos we're doing a Nativity play,



"seeing as it's Christmas.



"Mum, the three wise men, why don't they

play the roles of the shepherds?"



Cos the shepherds were missing,

the sheep were running amok.



They were late because they were trying

to get the sheep to where Baby Jee was



and there was a roadblock

cos there were sheep in the road



and they were trying

to get them through and it was...



No one ever gets that bit.



You know how sheep block roads

and normally a car...



But if you're trying to get sheep through...



Good comedy situation, I thought.



But it needs this big, vast explanation.



"What's he talking about?"



So they played the three shepherds,



the three wise men were played

by a duck and a donkey.



And Noah, who turned up,

he was lead wise man.



He said... (As Sean Connery) "I've got

the speedboat out on the sea of Galilee.



"If anyone wants to come for a spin,

it'd be great.



"If you've got big beards,

sit on the side, they blow in the wind.



"Fucking fantastic."



And Mary had no role

because she was knackered.



Joseph played himself and the innkeeper,

which was funny.



"I'd like a room." "No rooms."



"Well... Baby Jee..." "Baby who?"

"The whole calendar thing."



"My calendar's getting

a bit tired at the moment."



Where's that bit going?



So, yes, Baby Jee was there,

then he grew up, grew older and died.



And, er... The shortest version

of that story, isn't it?



But he had some disciples,

disciples, in French.



One was St Peter.

St Peter was the guy who said,



"I don't know him."

Cock-a-doodle. "Oh, it's him."



That's the speed version of that story.



He left Galilee after the death of Jesus

and he came to Rome,



and he said, "Rome is a crazy place,

I like it here, it's brilliant.



"I'm staying here - all the kids on Vespas,

no helmets, brilliant."






"What a sexy place.

I'm gonna stay here and be a pope."



So he became the first pope.

There were lots of popes.



They're guarded by the Swiss Guards,

who stand proudly



in pyjamas and funny hats.



I think it's a safety device.

If people want to attack the pope -



"Let's get the pope, come on!



"Men in pyjamas!



"Oh, I can't do this."



The Swiss Guards

have Swiss Army Knives! "Ah!"



(Swiss accent) "Now we have the scissors!



"You have a thread there - I cut it.



"Dans la poubelle.



"Ah, no, small knife, big knife,

small knife, big knife. Ah.



"Erm. I can see you! I can see you!



"You're upside down now!"



(Sawing noise)



"I do not know what this one is.



"And with this one I can open

a can of beans in a week.



"Oh, he's escaped, he's escaped!



"Quick, tell the cardinals!"



All the cardinals having a meeting

to decide the new pope.



All eating marmalade sandwiches.

Marmalade on toast.



"Right. You be the pope."

"No, you be the pope." "No."



"Look out, the toast is burning! Oh, no!"



Black smoke going up.



Outside, people are watching and saying,



"There's three popes now,

what's going on in there?"



And the pope,

he decides who becomes a saint.



And to be a saint you need three miracles.



There must be some really good people

with only two miracles.



"Just need that last big... Hey!



"Fish into baboon... type thing."



They're there, "Your pope-ness,

I have only two miracles.



"My last one you disallowed -

I turned wine into water."



"Yeah, but it's not crazy,

it didn't really work for me.



"It was my best vin de table, as well.



"I was a bit pissed off, I was."



"Well, I have now a bloody miracle with me.

This one's brilliant.



"Now, pick a card.



"Don't show me! That's the point!



"Right, now put it back in the pack.

Now shuffle.



"Don't know where it is.



"Is it the three of diamonds?"



"It is the three of diamonds!

That's brilliant! It's a bloody miracle!



"OK, I'll make you a saint. Well done, mate.



"Saint Jeff.



"And here's your Vespa. Brrrr...



"Patron saint of dangerous driving."



We don't have miracles, we have dreams.



Those are our own personal miracles.



We all dream, we have dreams.



I don't know, some weird characters

in our brain take over.



"You're covered in jam. Urr."



They're always bonkers.

And we dream in colour.



Some people have black and white dreams,

they're kind of cheapo dreams.



You need to bang the set

before you go to bed.



And they're so vivid to us -



you're there and your grandmother's

attacking you with a spoon,



the pope's playing a banjo

and you're totally au fait with it.



And you often wake up going, "Shescaska..."



Those weird, "Footska, I've got..."



I've been lying down...

I've tripped over while asleep.



"I'm asleep... l'm up..."



And people interpret them, bonkers dreams.



"A man comes up to me covered

in jam and he sings,"



d "Oh, I am a man-hippo" d



"And he brings me spoons and his buttocks

explode and his brother



"drives a small snail towards me very slowly.



"What does it mean?"

The interpretation's always ordinary.



"You didn't get on with your father

when you were a child."



"Why doesn't it say that in my dream?



"What's all the bloody snail thing and...?"



You never have a straight dream.



You never just walk along the road,

go into a shop and buy a Mars bar.



Cos that would probably mean,



"You're from Mars

and your ears are made of jam



"and your brother in Kent's buttocks

explode to the size of a balloon!"



"That's very true."



We have flying dreams, they're the best.



You fly around -

never hit a light bulb, do you?



Birds don't have flying dreams -

they'd be boring for birds.



Birds must have car-driving dreams!



Vrooom! D Da-da-da-na-na-na! D



"You're speeding, Mr Feathers!"

"Fuck off, I'm a bird!"






And the greatest myth-legend-type story

that we have in England



is Robin Hood.



Not really a miracle but a myth.



It's a myth and a legend - Robin Hood!



It's our most famous English myth,



and it's been stolen by Hollywood.



So much so that Robin Hood

has an American accent.



"Hi! I'm Robin Hood!



"Where is the Maid Mar-ayan



"and the Sheriff of Notting-ham?



"I'm a Notting-ham man, born and bred.



"I live in Sher-wood Fo-rest.



"I am from round here."



We wouldn't believe an English Robin Hood.



"Hello, I'm Robin Hood." You'd go, "No.



"Haven't got the Nottingham twang."



The reason why Hollywood films

killed us in Britain



was they had so much sex,

they've got sex, sex, sex.



"Hi, I'm Robin Hood!

Where is the Maid Mar-ayan?



"Maid Mar-ayan, come here

and let us kiss with tongues!



"Let us go and shag in my tree house."



Sort of an English Robin Hood -

"Marian? Cup of tea?



"My tree house has been prepared."

Up the stairs.



Staircase. "Yes, linen tablecloth.

Do you like it?



"Darjeeling or what?



"Now, these are my etchings."



Back in the '  s and '  s they took sex out.



The Noel Coward, sort of,

In Which We Serve type films were...



(Posh accent) "Darling, I'm off to the war."



"Don't go, darling. Don't go to the war."



"I must go to the war, darling.

They won't start without me."



"Don't go, darling, it's dangerous.

Rat-a-tat, boom and all those noises."



"I must go, darling,

it's my duty as a cockney man."



All the accents were really fucked,

weren't they?



"We as East Enders,

we as people from the East End of London,



"the working class of London,



"we must go with our strange accents,

go to the war, I must do it."



If that's the East End

then what's a posh person's accent?






"...said a posh person to me today.

He also said..."






"And I believe him.



"Little Johnny, Susie, I'm off to the war."

"Don't go, Daddy. Don't go."



"I must go."

"Bring us back something, Daddy."



"I'll bring you back a Nazi with real hair."



Dick Van Dyke,

he went for a cockney accent.



I think he went to Australia to learn it.



"G'day, Mary Poppins! How you doin'?



"I'm a chimney sweep, absolutely.



"Talkin' to Charlene today,

she's a chimney sweep too.



(d Pastiche of Chim-chimeree)



D "I'm a chimney sweep, cor,

love a duck, gorblimey.



D "Put another tube of lager on the barbie." d



That is an Australian accent - check it out!



And also Robin Hood is a myth.

It's a myth, it is not true.



It's based on bits of fact. His name probably

wasn't Robin Hood, just... Bin.



A nutter who lived in a tree. "Hello, I'm Bin!



"Ro... I'm Ro-Bin.



"Give us cash! Give us cash.



"I steal from the rich and give to the poor!

I'm trying to be a myth. Give us cash."



"No, I'm not giving you cash."

"Go on. Are you rich?"



"No, I'm comfortable."



"I can't steal from people

who are comfortable



"and give to the moderately impoverished.



"That's not gonna swing, is it?"



"It's not my fault.

I'm just here on my pogo stick."



"Come back here - do you wanna fight?

Da-da-da!" Thbpth!



"What? Sorry, I just threw a sword at you."



Thbpth. That's a sword noise.

I meant to go p-twang!



But I just went thbpth.



"You firing swords at me?" "Sorry."



I had a fight.

I had my own personal fight last year,



last November, in Cambridge!



Did three good gigs in Cambridge

and then had a fight.



Like you do. And...



It was a bit weird, he was...

People shout at me.



People do - as a bloke

who wears make-up whenever I want,



as is my inalienable right as a citizen...



Some people say, "Good on you, mate."



And some say, "What the fuck is this?"



To my face. To which I reply,

"You say that now,



"but how are you at canasta?"



Actually, I didn't say anything, but...



People do shout, and I used to just go,



"Well, I suppose you're right,

I must be a bastard."



But now I get angry.

I get furious and stick up for myself.



But it's stupid, cos I don't know how to fight.



So this guy was going, "Ooh, Tracey."



And I was going,

"My name is not Tracey, right?"



And I go into Michael Caine impressions,

which is weird.



"You are a stupid bastard. What are you?



"Do not bloody say that to me!"



"You're a big lad but you've got no brains

so shut your fucking face."



So he went for it,

and I was blocking and blocking,



which is, you know, that, block, block.



I was doing quite well,

but he had four friends



and they beat the crap out of me.



But in a fun way.



And then I took 'em to court

and it was all fun.



And I won a hundred quid. It was like,



it was like a very low pools win

or something.



"It must be Wins-day". So...



So, yeah, I got that, and it's great

because the people who beat me up...



If you're in a fight you've got to...

"Can I get your name and address?"



Or at least what they look like -

"Just... Quick Polaroids, lads!"



I didn't know their faces

so I couldn't say, "And they did it, too."



Then they turn up

as witnesses for the defence.



"Oh, it's you guys! Right."



And their line of defence was

that I started it.



That was it. Like a bloke puts on make-up

and goes out looking for a fight.



Come on!



Come on!



What's happening in Cambridge?

Where's all the fighters? Come on!



Fucking there, I'll put more on, there we go.



It's the standard thing that blokes do.



Erm, so, anyway, that all happened.



Now I've got to decide, which way do I go?



Cos they could have had

knives, guns, bazookas.



If they've got a bazooka don't run away -



it's easier to hit someone from a distance.



Run towards them and grab hold of them.






"Back off!



"We're both going together!" Thbpth!



That's just handy

in case someone pulls out a bazooka.



So, yeah, and either I shut up

or I learn a martial art.



I like the idea of learning a martial art.



It's an Eastern thing,

balanced movement of the body,



you use the other person's

weight and momentum.



In the West we have no martial arts at all.

We don't have anyone...



We just go wahey, boom, oi, boof.



Boom! Wahey!



It's all martial and no art.



And, er,



and there was that series on telly, Kung Fu.



David Carradine or Keith Carradine,



and he was always,

"Grasshopper, you must not fight.



"That is losing, to have the fight."



And we were watching going,

"No, go on, have a fight!"



All through a half-hour episode,

"No, I will not fight you.



"I do not want to do that."

Why is he French?



(Comic French accent) "I will not fight you.

I am French Buddhist."



But at the end he would always go,

"Oh, fucking hell!"



And we'd go, "Yeah!"

And have another cup of coffee.



And switch on The Six Million Dollar Man.



But there are so many martial arts.

T'ai chi - a little too slow, I think.



It's got that Steve Austin problem.



Jujitsu I learnt from a book I got

when I was about    and it had...



Learning a martial art from a book

is weird cos you've got all the pictures.



Fights never quite go like the pictures.



One great bit said,

in a fight you grab their hand,



open these fingers here,

put a pencil in there



and squeeze really hard.



And it really hurts!



How you fit that into a fight, I do not know.



"You wanna make something of it?

Come on! Hang on a sec.



"Have you got a pen?"






"Leave the tranny alone,

he knows what he's doing! Get out of it!"



And there's judo or kendo.

Judo I learnt when I was six,



I was at a school where it was compulsory,

in Wales.



A kind of bizarre headmaster.



(Welsh accent) "I think judo. I am bringing in

judo this year as compulsory.



"Everyone from six upward must learn,



"so we can have a lot of fights

with people in white pyjamas."



Or kendo, kendo's the one.

If you want to learn one, it's great,



you've got padding up your legs,



a big body suit of armour

and a head mask and a bat.



You're way ahead!



"I will fight you but first I must go to my car...



d "La, la, la...



d "Oh, happy day... d



"Right, now, you were saying?"



I'm a fan of machines as well.

I like machines.



As a kid, you know

when you have that spark of invention?



I invented a helicopter that goes underwater.



Bit of a deathtrap but, erm...



But the spark was there, you know?



And the Grim Reaper should update,

he has the scythe of death.



The scythe was a modern piece

of equipment after the Iron Age.



People saying, "You've got a scythe?



"What the hell is that?

We've just got wooden scissors.



"Get Mr Digital over here."






The Grim Reaper should update, it's     

throw away the scythe



and get a lawn mower!



One of the big petrol-driven ones.



Vroom-na-na-na-na-na! Brrr, brrr...



He'd look great walking along...

Brrrm, brrrm...



"All the dead people, get in the bin

where the grass goes."



Then he could do those turns

like your dad did on the lawn mower.



(Engine becomes high-pitched)



They scared the shit out of me.



Because they were eating grass...



No grass!



They'd go spare

when you took them off the ground.



We had one when I lived in Northern Ireland



and my dad would start it,

it always took three goes to start it.



He wanted to get a crowd.



He was there, one-na-na-na-na...









Don't think so.






There's all these bits to adjust.



I realised there was

a choke there, starter there.



Accelerator, brake, radio,

glove compartment.



The glove compartment is a lie in cars.



You never have gloves

in a glove compartment.



You never open it and go,

"      pairs of gloves!



"Everywhere! I'm drowning in gloves!



"Glove death."



Inside the glove compartment

is usually a bit of an apple,



a cassette with no holder

and a map of Belgium or something.



We had the big lawn mower.

It was much better than my grandad's.



It was a Pushmi-pullyu,

related to the cleaning equipment.



My grandad had that little triangle of lawn.



Hod-de-de-de-de. Hod-de-de-de-de.




The grass would go, "Oh, for fuck's sake."



Hod-de-de-de-de. Hod-de-de-de-de.



"Stay down, lads. Stay down.



"It's just an air raid. No problem."






He'd flatten the lawn out. Put it away.



They'd go "f-thum" as he was walking away.



My gran would be in the kitchen

adjusting a cake on her head.



"The lawn's even bigger, Grandad."



When your gran

called your grandad, "Grandad",



you were going, "He's your grandad, too?



"Are you my sister?



"And you're my father's mother?

What the fuck went on in this family?"



Yeah. Toasters. Toasters are good.



I like them. I like toast.



You've got a toaster and it's got

a turny-dial knob thing on the side.



And it lies to us.



It does not tell the truth.



For it has numbers

from one to six and they lie.



You set on four, you put bread in,

and it comes up three.



"This is three toast.

No good at all. Hardly done."



You set and change to five.

It comes up six, all burnt.



Scrape, scrape. "Oh, fuck it. Forget it."



The toast is in there going,

"Stay down, lads. Stay down.



"Stay down! Go for the burn!



"No pain, no gain!



"No fish, no fowl.



"No socks, no shoes.



"No hair, no haircut."



The other toast's going,

"What are you talking about?"



"I don't know. I just quite liked saying it."



I think it's one and a half times for each

piece of toast. Correct me if I'm wrong.



Toast goes in. Comes up. You don't

even look at it, you whack it straight down.



Then you wander round

with one eye on the toaster.



The whole automated idea is lost

as you have to...



The toast's going,

"Wait till he looks at the Cup-A-Soup."



You're going, "Cup-A-Soup, Pot Noodle,

Cup-A-Soup, Pot Noodle. Oh, it's burning!



"Oh, no. In the bin."



And it gets stuck in there. You know

you're not supposed to put a knife in.



But you're an adult now.



It's your toaster.



You want to live on the edge,

so get knives in toaster.



And forks. All cutlery in the toaster.

And use a whisk as well.



Get it in. Take it and do it in the bath.



In the bath. Do it. Turn the water on. Plug.



Eat a jam sandwich at the same time.

Light matches. Burn the house down.



The same people who make toasters

make showers.



For they have a turny button too, that lies.



For we know turn, turn, turn for hot.



Turn, turn, turn for cold.



But the only position we're interested in

is the position between there and there.



One nano-millimetre



between fantastically hot

and fucking freezing.



Everyone who gets into a shower

immediately becomes like a safe-breaker.



You have two positions in the shower.

One position is this.



And the other position is this.









"What the hell?






"Stop using taps!



"Everyone in West London, stop using taps!"



And there's someone

in the same bathroom as you, going...



d "La, la, la..." d



You're going, "Hey, stop using taps!"



"I am not using taps.

I'm letting a mouse run over my hands.



"We need a generator in the ark.

The mouse will run around.



"Noah's downstairs with the ark."



Noah's shouting, "The ark's double-parked

in a puddle. Get a move on."



It's true. It's in the Bible.



But planes are the big machine.

The great big flying machine.



I first flew when I was four months old.



I had a real problem with throwing up,

so that must have been a fun trip.



Throwing up is controlled

by three little bones in the inner ear.



(d Mikado pastiche)

"Three little bones from school are we..."



They're called Shadrach,

Meshach and Abednego.



And they control hearing and vomiting.



Don't know why they go together.



God went... (As James Mason) "Inner ear,

you shall have hearing and vomiting as well.



"Yes, that'll be fun."



"No, vomiting's for stomachs.

Stomach's control."



"No, for you. I think it'd be fun."



"Then you can make someone vomit

and hear them vomiting, too."



Which is why, if someone does go...




You hear it and go... (Retches)



And normally, the inner ear

sends signals to the brain.



You're walking and the inner ear's

going, "He's walking along a road.



"Going up a slight incline, turning to the left,

going down some stairs,



"down some stairs

with a weird arm movement."



I'd walk the same route

and my inner ear would go,



"He's in a tumble dryer!

He's on a humpback bridge! Tumble dryer!



"Looping the loop in an aeroplane.



"He's now in a barrel

and is rolling down a hill."



But now it's cool. Much better.



I had to do a flight last year on a tour,

which was from Cork to Belfast.



There were only six passengers.



They said, "We won't put you on the    

because that would be laughable.



"So we've got

a Volkswagen Beetle with wings."



We had our bags.

You just walked with them.



Obviously I didn't walk like this.

That was comedy. I walked like this.



That's a better mime position.



Otherwise you just think I'm walking,

but that's with bags, you see.



In case you ever need it, you know.



In Nigeria and...



They're very big in mime. Anyway.



So I was walking along with the bags.

It's a very small airport.



You go through a door and someone goes,

"Beep. There's a problem there."



And walking across the runway.



Have you ever walked with your bags

across a runway?



You feel like the Beatles.



The squirrels are going, "aah".



The pilot was right by the plane.



It was like going on holiday with your dad.

"Come on, come on!



"You don't need that, right?"



"It's my bag! Bloody hell."



"Get in. We're going to miss the clouds!

Come on!"



So he was taxiing over to the runway.



"Come on.

Get your heads down. I can't see."



He was right there. I could touch him

on the shoulder. Just like in the car.



But even though he could turn around

and talk to us he was still doing,



"This is your pilot speaking.



"Welcome to flight one

from here to there.



"We're gonna be flying

at a height of ten feet,



"going up to a height of twelve

and a half feet if we see anything big.



"Your copilot today is a Thermos of coffee."



I thought there was a rule

that you had to have two pilots



in case one goes, "Oh, for fuck's sake."



And the other one goes, "I'll take over!"

(d Sings Ride Of The Valkyries)



"I've got one of my own!



"One over here."



People in the back. "I've got one!"



A Thermos of coffee

was going to fly us home.



He's there doing the stuff and we're flying.



They have a word in the airways industry.



They have a thing called bird strike.



It's when a flock of birds is flying along.

"What a wonderful day."






They go straight through a jet engine.



It's called bird strike. It's a misnomer.



The birds aren't striking. It's an engine suck.



It's an engine making bird soup melange.



These birds aren't going,

"Who's for bird strike?



"Johnny Human's

big metal buggers piss me off!



"I vote we go for bird strike!



"Alfie, Ginger, Stevie, Feathers, Stephens,



"Big Beak O'Reilly, Jimmy the Penguin,

are you with me?



"No, you're a penguin, so you stay here.



"Come on! Let's do bird strike!"

(d Sings Ride Of The Valkyries)



"Faster, faster!



"   !" Mmm... Thbpth!



Just before they go through, do they go,

"Look, there's Rod Stewart"?



We don't know.



But they do the safety announcement.



My guy in my plane was going,

"The safety instructions.



"The safety exits are here, next to me.



"If you see me go through this door,

please follow me quickly."



If you've been in a big aeroplane, no one's

listening to the security announcements.



Everyone's going, "Yeah, yeah. There, there.



"Lights flash. Put the thing on. Pull the thing



"and death."



It's a kind of, "Yeah, all right."



So the pilots have been told to kick up

the importance of these speeches.



They go, "Please do listen

to the safety announcements



"because we've changed things around.



"You don't know. We're putting

the life jacket on back to front.



"Some of the safety exits are false.

They're not true.



"And I've got a bad feeling about this flight.

I don't think we're going to make it."



After that everyone's going,

"Show me everything!



"Private showing.

I'm putting it on now. Fuck it.



"Yes, I'll have coffee, thanks."



They have these life jackets

and you pull it and... Thbpth!



You've got a pipe here for top-up.



I don't want top-up.



I want stays-up.



Top-up implies hole in. Implies having to...



I want fucking stays-up,

no hole in the first place, thank you.



Bloody top-up!



It's all a bit tea and crumpets

with the vicar. Top-up.



Crashed in the Atlantic, bobbing around.



"Oh, you survived as well.

Well done. Care for a top-up?



"Couldn't top me up, could you?"



"I didn't need it.

I'm just trying to break the ice.



"Hey, float over here.



"Look. Two pipes. Panpipes."



It's      miles to Europe,

     miles to America.



You've got your whistle.









A little light going beep, beep.



After a while a pilot fish comes up.

"Hey, that's my gag!



"Weird people."



And there's Noah,

shooting around in his speedboat.



"If anyone's got big ears

you can get in and sit on the side.



"Photos for the Bible."



So I was in my small aeroplane

and the guy is there



and we have refreshments

when we get above the clouds.



Coffee comes back from the Thermos.

"Cheers. Ta, mate."



He had this wicker basket with biscuits in.



Digestives. Not terribly interesting.



I take the best ones and it goes

to the guy at the back. "These are crap."



When you're not hungry but you get offered

a biscuit, you want better than that.



"I didn't want anything

but what have you got? Aw."



So I'm nibbling my biscuits

and drinking my coffee.



And the pilot reaches under his jacket

and pulls out chocolate biscuits!



I realised he'd hidden them there,



taken them out of the wicker basket

and hidden them.



I knew that

because that's what I would have done.



You know when

you offer your friends biscuits?



You're in the kitchen.

"I'll just have one. Well, I'll have a couple."






Someone says, "Do you want a hand?"

(Muffled) "Oh, no.



"Just letting this mouse

run over my hands here."



So the pilot's eating chocolate biscuits.



I'm going, "Hey, chocolate biscuits!

Hey, digestive, crap biscuits!"



He's going, "Get off! I'm the bloody pilot.



"Stress. Chocolate biscuits. What the hell?"



I'm going, "No, customer's always right.

Digestive crap biscuits."



"Fuck off!

Five years' training for this. Hard time.



"Chocolate biscuits. Perks of the trade."

"I don't agree."



"Fucking..." (lmitates engine in descent)



"Hold on!" Brraaah!



"What were you saying?"

"No, fine, have the chocolate biscuits!"



Mmm... naaah.



"Chocolate biscuits."



   minutes later,

he pulls out Jammy Dodgers!



"Jammy Dodgers!" Brraaah!






And we hit a mountain.



And I died.



So that was the end of that plane flight.



And that is also the end of the show.

Thank you very much for being here.



Good night.



(Cheering, whistling, applause)



D La, la, la d



OK. The book of Revelations, right?



That's where it all ends. The book

of Revelations has got Armageddon.



That's Australian for "Armageddon

outta here, it's the end of the world!".



That's where it derived from.



It's the end of the world.



People look at

the book of Revelations and say,



"The end will come

from the world of politics



"or the world of economics or technology."



I have a love-hate relationship

with technology. I love it but I can hate it.



There are two groups -

people with techno-fear,



who are there going, "I've wiped the file?



"I've wiped all the files?"



"I've wiped the Internet?"



"I don't even have a modem!"



I don't have techno-fear. I have techno-joy!



I love technology.

I love to get new machines.



I always think, "This is the one. I won't

have to work again. I've got this thing."



You get the instructions, you unwrap it



and throw the instructions out the window.



Forget them. Fuck them. On.



"I must know how this works.

I've used machines before.



"Come on! Come on!



"Come on! This bit comes off, I think."



(Clunk) "Oh."



Then you smash it with a hammer.



I get really fucked off with machines.



Everyone on films

is so swish on computers.



B-der, b-der, b-der, dee, dee, dee.



So expert on their computers.

"Breaking into the Pentagon computer.



"Double-click on 'Yes'.



"Oh. Password protected.

   billion possible chances.












"How did you know it would be Jeff?"



"I knew there'd be a back door."



In films, the guy who made the software

has always left a back door



so he could get back in when he wanted

and look at all the missiles and go, "Ooh".



And put one on his head.



"And the guy who made the software

was called Jeff Jeffety Jeff,



"born on the first of Jeff,   -Jeffety-Jeff.



"So I put in Jeff and hey."



I've never seen one character in a film

on a computer, in a realistic way going...



"Oh, no, no!



"Put the printer there. The computer. Right.



"Instructions. Hold on. Book of Revelations.



"Right. Control and P. Print!



"Control, P, print.



"Control, P, print.



"'Cannot access printer'?



"It's here!



"I can access printer.



"Why the fuck can't you? I've plugged you in.



"Fucking control, P, print. Control, P, print.



"Control, P, print. Control, P, print."



The computer's going,

"What are you trying to do?"



"I'm trying to print! Control, P, print!"



"But there's something you haven't done."



"What? Tell me what it is. I'll do it."



"No, I can't tell you."



"Fucking tell me! It's five in the morning!

It's only a paragraph!



"I'm just trying to print the fucker!

I used the fax/modem and that fucked it up.



"I can't access it.

It's not being used by something else.



"I'm using the printer port.

Control, P, print. Control, P, print.



"Print, control, P. Print, control, P.






"'A problem of type      has occurred.'



"What the fuck is that?



"What are the      other problems

I've just missed to get to that one?



"Control, P, print. Control, P, print. Control...



"Oh, don't do that.



"Don't... Don't you crash on me,

you bastard!"



"God. I'm so tired. You have no..."



"I don't know what..."

"You do!



"Right. I'll get that going.

Escape. Control, P. Alt.



"Escape. Control, P. Alt. Fucking...!



"I'm phoning Amsterdam, you bastards.



"Hello, Amsterdam?

You speak very good English. Well done.



"Bordered by four countries?

Yes, I know. Problems in land wars.



"Now, I've got a Macintosh computer

plugged into a Canon printer and...



"Yes, I've been into the printer file

and chosen Canon printer.



"Yes, I've chosen the printer port,

which is the same as the fax/modem port,



"which confuses the fuck out of me.



"Yes, I've chosen A  paper

instead of toilet paper.



"I've chosen the picture of the dog

standing up, not the one lying down



"as if a taxidermist's had a go at it.



"What the fuck...? It's five in the morning.

There's something wrong with...



"There's an on switch on the printer?

Is there?"



And there's always one fucking thing

you haven't done.



If the world ends through technology

it'll happen through that.



Some American general in the Pentagon

going, "Will you bloody work?"



Smashing the thing up with a huge...






And the whole world goes.



Which will be interesting.



But if it does go,

I think I'll carry on gigging, cos I quite like it.



Thank you very much. Good night.



(d Suede: Filmstar)



D Filmstar, propping up the bar



d Driving in a car, it looks so easy



d Filmstar, propping up the bar



d Driving in a car tonight



d Filmstar, giving it class



d Living it fast, it looks so easy



d Filmstar, giving it class



d Living it fast tonight



d What to believe in? It's impossible to say



d What to believe in

when they change your name



d Wash your brain, play the game again



d Yeah, yeah, yeah



d Filmstar, an elegant sir



d A Terylene shirt, it looks so easy



d Filmstar, an elegant sir



d In a Terylene shirt tonight



d Filmstar, propping up the bar



d Driving in a car, it looks so easy



d Filmstar, propping up the bar



d Driving in a car tonight



d What to believe in? It's impossible to say



d What to believe in

when they change your name



d Wash your brain, play the game again



d Yeah, yeah, yeah



d What to believe in? It's impossible to say



d What to believe in

when they change your name



d Wash your brain,

play the game again, again, again



d Yeah, yeah, yeah



d Filmstar



d Filmstar



d Filmstar



d Yeah, yeah, yeah



d Filmstar



d Filmstar



d Filmstar



d Yeah, yeah, yeah



d Filmstar



d Filmstar



d Filmstar



d Yeah, yeah, yeah



d Filmstar



d Filmstar



d Filmstar



d Yeah, yeah, yeah



d Filmstar



d Filmstar d




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