The Emperor's New Groove Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the The Emperor's New Groove script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the David Spade movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Emperor's New Groove. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

The Emperor's New Groove Script



Will you take a look at that?

Pretty pathetic, huh?



Well, you'll never believe this,

but that llama you're looking at

was once a human being.



And not just any human being.

That guy was an emperor.



A rich, powerful ball of charisma.

Oh, yeah!



This is his story.

Well, actually, my story.



That's right...

I'm that llama.



The name is Kuzco...



Emperor Kuzco.



I was the world's nicest guy,

and they ruined my life for no reason.



Oh, is that hard to believe?

Look, I tell you what.



You go back a ways,

you know, before I was a llama

and this will all make sense.



All right, now see. That's a little

too far back. Oh! Look at me.



That's me as a baby.




All right, let's move ahead.



- Oh, yeah.

- There are despots and dictators



Political manipulators



There are blue bloods

with the intellects of fleas



There are kings and catty tyrants



Who are so lacking in refinements



They'd be better suited

swinging from the trees



He was born and raised to rule



No one has ever been as cool



In a thousand years of aristocracy



An enigma and a mystery



In Mesoamerican history



The quintessence of perfection

that is he



Okay, this is the real me.

Not this.



This. Not this.

Winner. Loser.



Okay, see this palace? Everyone in

it is at my command. Check this out.



Butler. Chef.



Theme song guy.



Oh, yeah!

He's the sovereign lord of the nation



He's the hippest cat

in creation



He's the alpha

the omega, A to Z



And this perfect world will spin



Around his every little whim



'Cause this perfect world

begins and ends with



- Me.

- What's his name






- That's his name

- Kuzco



- He's the king of the world

- Kuzco



- Is he hip or what

- Kuzco






You threw off my groove!



I'm sorry, but you've thrown off

the emperor's groove.



- Sorry!

- You were saying?



What's his name







- Kuzco

- That's his name



- Kuzco

- Kuzco



- Is he hip or what

- Kuzco



Don't you know he's

the king of the world



- Kuzco

- Whoa, yeah



Boom, baby!



Your Highness, it is time for you

to choose your bride.



All righty.

Trot out the ladies.



Let's take a look-see.

Hate your hair. Not likely.



Yikes, yikes, yikes.

And let me guess.



You have a great personality.

Is this really the best you could do?



Oh, yes. Oh, no.

I-I mean, p-perhaps...



What is he babbling about? He's like

the thing that wouldn't shut up.



Anyway, still wondering about

that llama in the opening?



Well, let me show you the people

responsible for ruining my life.



First, there's Pacha.



Uh, excuse me. I'm here to see Emperor

Kuzco. You see, I got this summons.



Inside, up the stairs

and to the left. Just follow the signs.



Oh, great.

Thanks a lot.



Uh, and don't be fooled

by the folksy peasant look.



- Uh, pardon me. That's mine.

- Oh, here you go.



- Thank you.

- You're welcome.



- Oh, hey. Are you all right?

Here. Let me, uh...

- Oh, you're so very kind.



- What happened?

- Well, I...



I threw off the emperor's groove.



- What?

- His groove, the rhythm in which he

lives his life, his pattern of behavior.



I threw it off, and the emperor

had me thrown out the window.



- Oh, really?

I'm supposed to see him today.

- Don't throw off his groove!



- Oh, okay.

- Beware the groove.



- Hey, are you gonna be all right?

- Groove.



You see what I mean? This guy's trouble,

but as bad as he is...



he is nothing compared

to what's coming up next.



And why have you come here today?



Well, Y-Your Highness...

I mean, Your Grace.



Okay, gang.

Check out this piece of work.



This is Yzma,

the emperor's advisor...



living proof that dinosaurs

once roamed the Earth.



And let's not forget

Yzma's right-hand man.



Every decade or so she gets a new one.

This year's model is called Kronk.



Yeah, I got that there, Yzma.



Yep, that's Kronk.



Now lately, Yzma's

gotten into this bad habit...



of trying to run the country

behind my back...



and I'm thinkin'

that's got to stop.



It is no concern of mine

whether your family has...



- What was it again?

- Um, food.



Ha! You really should have thought

of that before you became peasants.



We're through here.

Take him away. Next!



But l...

Oh, okay.



The nerve of some

of those peasants, huh?



Tell me about it.



- Hi there.

- Oh, Your Highness.



- Uh, you were doing it again.

- Doing? Doing... Doing... Doing what?



Doing my job. I'm the emperor and you're

the emperor's advisor. Remember that?



But, Your Highness, I was only dealing

with meaningless peasant matters.




Look at these wrinkles.



What is holding

this woman together?



What the... How long

has that been there?



Good thinkin', Yzma.

What do you say, Kuzco?



Whoa! No touchy!

No touchy. No touch.



Uh, excuse me, Your Highness.

The village leader is here to see you.



Oh, great. Send him in.

Oh, and by the way, you're fired.




W-W-What do you mean, fired?



Um, how else can I say it?

You're being let go...



your department's being downsized,

you're part of an outplacement...



we're going in a different direction,

we're not picking up your option.



- Take your pick. I got more.

- But l... You, uh...



But... But, Your Highness, I have been

nothing if not loyal to the empire...



for-for-for many, many years.



Hey, everybody

hits their stride.



You just hit yours

   years ago.



So, who's in my chair?



Oh, oh! I know! Yzma.

Yzma's in your chair, right?



- Very good, Kronk. Here. Get the snack.

- Got it.



Okay, you heard the man.

Up, up, up.



I'm okay. I'm fine.



Okay. Show him in.



Uh, afternoon, Your Highness.

I'm here because I received a summons...



Hey, there he is! My main village man.



Um, Pacha.

Anyway, l-I got this summons...



Pacha. That's right.



- You are just the man I wanted to see.

- I am?



Word on the street is

you can fix my problem.



You can fix my problem,

can't you?



Sure. I'll do what I can.



Good, good. That's just

what I wanted to hear.



Are you aware of just how important

your village is to the empire?



Well, I know we grow the crops

that you use here at the palace.



We also herd the llamas that you...



- My village?

- Oh, yeah.



You got a pretty sweet little setup

there on top of that hill, don't you?



Yeah. My family has lived on that

hilltop for the last six generations.




So tell me...



where do you find

you get the most sun?



Oh, l-I'd say just on

the other side of those trees.



When the sun hits that ridge

just right, these hills sing.



- Well, that settles it.

- Really?



Yep. Problem solved.

Thanks for coming.



That's it?

That's all you wanted me for?



I just needed an insider's opinion

before I okayed this spot for my pool.



- Uh, your pool?

- Boo-yah! Welcome to Kuzcotopia...



my ultimate summer getaway,

complete with water slide.



- What?

- Isn't it great?

It's my birthday gift to me.



I'm so happy.



I don't understand

how this could happen.



Well, let me clear it up for you.

At my birthday celebration tomorrow...



I give the word,

and your town will be destroyed...



to make way for this.



So, if I were you, I'd pick up some

change-of-address forms on the way home.



But-But, um, where will we live?




Don't know, don't care.



- How's that?

- Oh, but wait. You can't...



When I give the word...



your little town thingy

will be bye-bye.



- Bye-bye.

- Oh, w-wait. No...



Boo-hoo. Oh, yeah.

Everything was goin' my way.



Or so I thought.



He can't get rid of me

that easily.



Who does that ungrateful

little worm think he is? Does he...



a little to the left...



have any idea of

who he's dealing with?



How could he do this to me?

Why, I practically raised him.



- Yeah, you think he

would've turned out better.

- Yeah, go figure.



Well, it's better you're

takin' out your anger...



on these things instead

of the real Kuzco, huh?



That's it, Kronk!

That's it!



I'll get rid of Kuzco.



- The real Kuzco?

- Of course the real Kuzco.



Don't you see?

It's perfect.



With him out of the way

and no heir to the throne...



I'll take over and rule the empire.



- Brilliant!

- So how does that work

with you bein' fired and all?



The only ones who know about

that are the three of us,

soon to be the two of us.



And I'm one of

those two, right?



To the secret lab!



Pull the lever, Kronk.



- Wrong lever!

- Huh?



Why do we even

have that lever?



Get out of my way!



Please remain seated and keep your arms

and legs in at all times.



Faster, faster!



Yzma, put your hands

in the air!



Ah, how shall I do it?

Oh, I know.



I'll turn him into a flea,

a harmless little flea...



and then I'll put that flea in a box

and then I'll put that box

inside of another box...



and then I'll mail that box

to myself, and when it arrives...



I'll smash it with a hammer!



It's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant,

I tell you! Genius, I say!



Or, to save on postage,

I'll just poison him with this.



Take it, Kronk.

Feel the power.



Oh, I can feel it.



Our moment of

triumph approaches.



It's dinnertime.



So, is everything

ready for tonight?



Oh, yeah. I thought we'd start off

with soup and a light salad,

and then see how we feel after that.



Not the dinner.

The, you know...



Oh, right.

The poison...



The poison for Kuzco, the poison

chosen especially to kill Kuzco...



Kuzco's poison.



- That poison?

- Yes! That poison.



- Got you covered.

- Excellent.



A few drops in his drink,

and then I'll propose a toast...



and he will be dead before dessert.



Which is a real shame,

because it's gonna be delicious.



Boom, bam, baby!

Let's get to the grub.



I am one hungry

king of the world.



So, no hard feelings

about being let go?



None whatsoever.



Kronk, get the emperor a drink.



Drink. Right.



Your Highness.



- Is something burning?

- My spinach puffs!



So, he seems nice.



H-He is.



He's what,

in his late twenties?



- I'm not sure.

- Saved 'em!



- That's great. Good job.

- Great! Very good job.



Watch it.

They're still hot.




The emperor needs his drink.



Right. Oh. Right.



Hey, Kronky,

everything okay back there?



Well... Oh, uh...



The drinks were a bit on the...



oh, uh, warm side.



Hey, did you see that sky today?

Talk about blue.



Yes, Kronk. Riveting.



A toast to the emperor!



Long live Kuzco!



Don't drink the wine.




Ah! Tasty.




Good work, Kronk.



Oh, they're so easy to make.

I'll get you the recipe.



Now to get rid of the body.



Okay! What were we saying?



Uh, uh, w-we were just

making a toast...



to your long and healthy rule.



Right. So what are you gonna do?



I mean, you've been

around here a long time and...



I really mean a long time.



I mean, it might be difficult

for someone of your age...



adjusting to life

in the private sector.



Hey, Kronk, can you

top me off, pal? Be a friend?



- Now, about you finding new work,

that's-that's gonna be tough.

- Hit him on the head.



- More broccoli?

- Because you're, you know...



Let's face it. You're no

spring chicken, and I mean that

in the best possible way.



What? A llama?



He's supposed to be dead!



Yeah, weird.



Let me see that vial.



This isn't poison.



This is extract of llama.



You know, in my defense,

your poisons all look alike.



You might think about

relabeling some of them.



Take him out of town

and finish the job now!



- What about dinner?

- Kronk, this is kind of important.



- How about dessert?

- Well, I suppose there's time

for dessert.



- And coffee?

- All right. A quick cup of coffee.



Then take him out of town

and finish the job!



Guess where I am right now.

Uh-huh. In the bag.



Still think I'm not the victim here?

Watch. It gets better.






He's doing his own theme music?



Big, dumb and tone deaf.



I am so glad I was unconscious

for all of this.



Mission accomplished.



- You're not just gonna let him

die like that, are you?

- My shoulder angel.



Don't listen to that guy. He's trying to

lead you down the path of righteousness.



I'm gonna lead you

down the path that rocks.



- Oh, come off it.

- You come off it!



- You.

- You.

- You.

- You infinity.



Listen up, big guy. I got three good

reasons why you should just walk away.



Number one...

Look at that guy!



He's got that sissy

stringy music thing.



We've been through this.

It's a harp, and you know it.



Oh, right. That's a harp

and that's a dress.



- Robe!

- Reason number two...



Look what I can do.



But what does that

have to do with anything?



- No, no. He's got a point.

- Listen, you guys.



You're sort of confusing me,

so, uh, begone! Uh... Or, uh, you know.



- However I get rid of you guys.

- That'll work.



Um, what's with the chimp and the bug?

Can we get back to me?



Oh, boy.

Think, think, think.



What to do, what to do?

What do we do with the body?



What am I gonna

tell the village?



Come on, Kronky. Come on, Kronky. Okay.

What do I do? What do I do?



Back! Elbow! Shoulder!



Oh. Hey! Hey, you!



Hey! Excuse me. Excuse me. Stop!

Pardon me. Excuse me. Sorry about that.



Comin' through.

Hey, you with the cart!






This is not good.



Hope that doesn't

come back to haunt me.



Mom! Mom! I think I'm still growing!

Measure me again!



All right, Tipo.

Stand still and let's see.



Mom, you and I both know

that it's impossible for him...



to have grown in

the last five minutes.



- Isn't it?

- Look how much you've grown.



What? Tipo, get out of the way.



- It's my turn again. Measure me.

- Dad's home.






Come here.



- Dad! I ate a bug today!

- Oh! Was Mom baking again?



- Don't tell her I said that.

- I heard that.



Okay, everybody, move aside.



Lady with a baby

comin' through.



Dad! Dad! Dad!

Look at how big I am.



- We were all measured today.

- Oh.



I'm going through a growth spurt.

I'm as big as you were when you were me.



Mm-hmm. Sure are.



That's not as impressive

as my loose tooth. See?



Okay, okay, you two.

Our deal was that you could

stay awake until Daddy came home.



Now say good night.



Dad, do we have to?



No, you two can stay up.

We're just gonna be sittin' here tellin'

each other how much we love each other.



Right, honey?



Good night.



So, what did the emperor want?



You know what?

He couldn't see me.



- Couldn't see you? Why not?

- I don't know.



- Well... Well, that's just rude.

- Well, he is the emperor.

I'm sure he's busy.



- No, no, no, no. No. Emperor or no

emperor, it's called common courtesy.

- Honey...



If that were me, I'd march right back

there and demand to see him,

and you know I would.



- Sweetie, sweetie, think of the baby.

- Pacha, I'm fine.



This baby's not coming

for a while, but even if it was...



I'd give that guy

a piece of my mind.



That kind of behavior just-just...



I gotta go wash something.



Pacha? You okay?



Hmm? Oh, yeah. I'm just

a little tired from the trip.



Um, I'm gonna go

put Misty away.



Hi. Excuse me.

Two seconds here.



Um, I'm the one

in the cart. Remember?



This story's about me,

not him.



Okay. You got it? All right. We're gonna

move ahead. Sorry to slow you down.









- Where'd you come from, little guy?

- No touchy.



- Demon llama!

- Demon llama? Where?



Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!



Ow! Ow, my head.



Okay, demon llama.

Just take it easy.



I mean you no harm.



What are you talking about...

Oh, wait, I know you.



- You're that whiny peasant.

- Emperor Kuzco?



Yeah. Who do you think

you were talkin' to?



Uh, how did...



You don't look like the emperor.



What do you mean I don't

look like the emperor?



- Do this...

- What is this, some kind of little

game you country folk like to...



It can't be!



My face!

My beautiful, beautiful face!



- Okay, okay, okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- I'm an ugly, stinky llama!



- Wait, okay, Your Majesty. Shh.

- Llama face!



What happened?



I'm tryin' to

figure that out, okay?



I can't remember.

I can't remember anything.



Wait a minute.

I remember you.



I remember telling you

that I was building my pool...



where your house was,

and then you got mad at me.



- And you turned me into a llama!

- What? No, I did not.



- Yes, and then you kidnapped me.

- Why would I kidnap a llama?



I have no idea. You're

the criminal mastermind, not me.



- What?

- You're right.



That's giving you

way too much credit.



Okay. I have to get back

to the palace.



Yzma's got that "secret lab."



I'll just snap my fingers

and order her to change me back.



Hey, you.

No time to waste. Let's go.



Hey, tiny, I want to get out of this

body. Wouldn't you? Now let's go.



Build your summerhouse

somewhere else.



You wanna run that

by me again?



I can't let you go back

unless you change your mind...



and build your summer home

somewhere else.



I got a little secret for you.

Come here. No, closer.



I don't make deals

with peasants!



Then I guess I can't

take you back.



Fine. I don't need you.

I can find my own way back.



I wouldn't recommend it. It's a little

dangerous if you don't know the way.



- Nice try, pal.

- No, really. I'm telling you...



there are jaguars and snakes

and quicksand.



- I'm not listening.

- I'm not kidding.

Listen, you cannot go in there.



Ow! Still not listening.



Aw, you...

Fine. Fine. Go ahead.



If there's no Kuzco,

there's no Kuzcotopia.



Takes care of my problem.



Scary jungle. Right.

Oh, a leaf.



Oh, it might attack me.

Oh, it's a scary tree.



I'm afraid.



Please. Never find my way?

I'm the emperor, and as such...



I'm born with an innate

sense of direction.



Okay, where am I?



Help me!

Help me! Help me!



- Too late.

- Okay, that was the freakiest thing

I've ever seen.



What do you want?



Oh, for me?

Why, I don't know what to say.



- Ow!

- Hit the road, bucky.



Ow! Huh? Huh?



Huh? Uh-oh.



No, no.

No, no, no, no.



No, no. No, don't.









You killer jaguars...






Don't worry, Your Highness.

I got ya. You're safe now.



Maybe I'm just new to this whole

rescuing thing, but this, to me...



might be considered kind of

a step backwards, wouldn't you say?



No, no, no. It's-It's okay. This-This

is all right. We can figure this out.



- I hate you.

- No!



Ow! Ow!



Ow! Ow!



I don't know about you,

but I'm getting all funned out.



- Uh-oh.

- Don't tell me.



- We're about to go over

a huge waterfall.

- Yep.



- Sharp rocks at the bottom?

- Most likely.



Bring it on.



Your Highness.

Your Highness, can you hear me?



Oh, boy.

Come on, breathe.






Oh. Why me?



All right.



For the last time,

it was not a kiss.



Well, whatever you call it,

it was disgusting.



And if you would've done what I ordered

you to do in the first place...



we all could've been spared

your little kiss of life.



But now that you're here,

you will take me back to the palace.



I'll have Yzma change me back, and then

I'll start construction on Kuzcotopia.



- Oh, yeah.

- Okay, now look...



I think we got off

on the wrong foot here.



I just think if you really

thought about it...



you'd decide to build your home

on a different hilltop.



And why would I do that?






deep down, I think you'll realize

that you're forcing an entire village...



out of their homes

just for you.



And that's bad?



Well, yeah.



Uh, nobody's that heartless.



- Now take me back.

- What? Wait, wait.

How can you be this way?



All you care about

is building your summer home and

filling it with stuff for you.



Uh, yeah. Doy. Me.

Everyone else in the kingdom gets it.



You're the only one that doesn't seem

to be with the program, eh, Pacha?



You know what? Someday,

you're gonna wind up all alone...



and you'll have no one

to blame but yourself.



Thanks for that. I'll log that away.

Now, for the final time...



I order you to take me

back to the palace.



Looks to me like

you're stuck out here...



because unless you change your mind,

I'm not taking you back.



Because unless you change your mind,

I'm not taking you back.



Me, me, me.



Huh? What?

I didn't do anything. I didn't...



Somebody's throwing stuff. You gonna

build a fire or what? What's going on?



He's never gonna

change his mind.



How am I ever gonna

get out of here?



And so, it is with

great sadness...



that we mourn the sudden departure

of our beloved prince...



taken from us so tragically...



on the very eve

of his   th birthday.



- Poor little guy.

- His legacy will live on

in our hearts...



- He never had a chance.

- For all eternity.



Well, he ain't gettin' any deader.



Back to work.



Kronk, darlin',

I must admit you had me worried...



when you mixed up those poisons.



But now that Kuzco is dead,

all is forgiven.



Ah. Oh, yeah, yeah.

He's... He's dead, all right.



I mean, you can't get much deader

than he... than he is right now.



Unless, of course,

we killed him again.



I suppose.



- Hey, look, the royal dresser's here.

- Kronk.



- I should tell you right now

I'm kind of hard to fit.

- Kronk.



I wear a    long

and a    waist.



Kuzco is dead, right?



Tell me Kuzco's dead.

I need to hear these words.



- Do you need to hear

all those words exactly?

- He's still alive?



Well, he's not as dead

as we would've hoped.



- Kronk.

- I just thought I'd give you the

heads-up in case Kuzco ever came back.



- He can't come back!

- Yeah. That would be kind of awkward...



especially after

that lovely eulogy.



You think? You and I

are going out to find him.



If he talks, we are through!

Now let's move.



Dad, look out!



Tipo, what is it?



I had a dream that Dad was tied to a log

and was careening out of control...



down a raging river of death!



- All right, all right, it's okay. Shh.

- It was awful!



It's okay, it's okay. Tipo, calm down.

It was just a dream. Your dad's fine.



He just went back

to see the emperor.



Oh. Like you told him to,

'cause you're always right.



That's right. Well, in my dream,

Dad had to kiss a llama.



Yeah, like that

would ever happen.



- It could.

- Nuh-uh.

- Yeah-huh.

- Nuh-uh.



- Yeah-huh.

- Nuh-uh.

- Yeah-uh.

- Nuh-uh.



- Yeah-huh.

- Nuh-uh.

- Yeah-huh.

- Nuh-uh.



- Good night, you two.

- Yeah-huh. Night, Mom.

- Nuh-uh. Night, Mom.



- Yeah-huh.

- Nuh-uh.

- Yeah-huh.

- Nuh-uh.



Uh, hey.



- Thanks.

- Oh.



No problem.



- Feels like wool.

- Yeah.



- Alpaca?

- Oh, yeah, it is.



Oh, yeah, I thought so.

It's nice.



- My wife made it.

- Oh, she knits?



- Crochets.

- Crochets? Nice.









So, I was thinking that

when I got back to the city, we'd, uh...



I mean, there's lots of hilltops,

and maybe I might, you know, l-I might...



Are you saying

you've changed your mind?



- Oh, well, l-l...

- Because you know that means...



you're doing something nice

for someone else.



- No, I know that. I know.

- And you're all right with that?









Don't shake unless you mean it.



All right.



Let's get you

back to the palace.



Oh, by the way, thanks.



No, thank you.



Okay. Once we cross this bridge,

it's only an hour to the palace.



- Good, because believe it or not,

I think I need a bath.

- I believe it.



- What was that?

- Nothing.



Whoa! Kuzco!



- Kuzco!

- Yeah?



Quick, help me up!



- No. I don't think I will.

- You're gonna leave me here?



Well, I was gonna have

you imprisoned for life,

but I kind of like this better.



I thought you were

a changed man.



Oh, come on. I had to say something

to get you to take me back to the city.



- So all of it was a lie?

- Well, yeah. No, wait.



Uh, yeah, yeah.

It all was a lie. Toodles.



We shook hands on it!



You know, the funny thing

about shaking hands is you need hands.



Okay. Buh-bye.



- Are you okay? Are you all right?

- Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm all right.



Good! That's for going back

on your promise!



Yeah. That's for

kidnapping me...



and taking me to your village, which

I'm still gonna destroy, by the way.



No touchy.



Why did I risk my life

for a selfish brat like you?



I was always taught that

there was some good in everyone,

but, oh, you proved me wrong.



Oh, boo-hoo.

Now I feel really bad. Bad llama.



I could've let you die out there

in that jungle, and then

all my problems would be over.



Well, that makes you

ugly and stupid.



- Let's end this.

- Ladies first.



- Ow! Ow!

- Ow! Ow!



What are we gonna do?



What are we gonna do?

We're gonna die! We're gonna die!



That's it for me!



No, we're not.

Calm down.



I have an idea.

Give me your arm.



Okay, now the other one.



When I say go, push against my back

and we'll walk up the hill.



Ready? Go.



- Ow! You did that on purpose.

- No, I didn't!



Now, we're gonna have to work together

to get out of this, so follow my lead.



- Ready? Right foot.

- Whose right? Your right or-or mine?



- I don't care. Mine.

- Well, why yours?



- Okay, your right! Ready?

- Okay, got it.



Okay. Right.



- Left. Right.

- Look, we're moving!



Don't look down!

Now, stay with me. Stay with me.



Right. Left.

Right. Left.



Right. Left. Right!



- Now what, genius?

- Working on it.



Okay, here's the deal.



Stretch out your neck,

and I'll grab the rope.



How do I know you won't let me fall

after you grab the rope?



You're just gonna

have to trust me!



You know, it's a good thing

you're not a big, fat guy...



or this would be

really difficult.



Almost. Got it!



- It's stuck.

- Take your time. No hurry here.



- Scorpions!

- Kuzco!



Oh, no!












Look out!



Yeah! Oh, look at me

and my bad self.



I snatched you

right out of the air.



"Oh, I'm a crumbly canyon wall,

and I'm taking you with me."



Well, not today, pal.




Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.




- You just saved my life.

- Uh-huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.



Huh? So?



- I knew it.

- Knew what?

- That there is some good

in you after all.



- Oh, no.

- Admit it.

- Wrong.

- Yes, there is.



- Nuh-uh.

- I think there is.

- Nuh-uh.

- Hey, you could've let me fall.



Come on. What's the big deal?

Nobody's that heartless!



Don't read too much into it.

It was a one-time thing.



Right. Sure.



Well, we better get going.



With that bridge out, it's

a four-day walk to the palace.



What? You mean you're still

taking me back?



- I shook on it, didn't I?

- Well, yeah, uh, but I hope you

realize that doesn't change a thing.



I'm still building Kuzcotopia

when I get back.



Well, four days is a long time. Who

knows? Maybe you'll change your mind.



Uh-huh. Four days.



- What are the chances

of you carrying me?

- Not good.



No, no, no!



We've searched every village

surrounding the palace...



and still no sign of Kuzco.



Where is he?



- Kronk!

- Kronk here.



- I'm getting tired. Pull over.

- Sure thing. Kronk out.




These are my best shoes.



I hate this jungle.



Oh, look. A golden-throated

small-winged warbler.



Just one more

for exotic bird bingo.



I am loving this.



Get away from me!



Yeah. Tell me about it.



No, no, it's not you. She's not

the easiest person to get close to.



There's a wall there.

Trust me.



Are you talking

to that squirrel?



I was a junior chipmunk, uh...



and I had to be versed in

all the woodland creatures.



Please continue.



Why me? Why me?



Hey, it doesn't always

have to be about you.



This poor little guy

has had it rough.



Seems a talking llama

gave him a hard time the other day.



Oh, a talking llama?



Do tell.



Uh, he doesn't really

wanna talk to you.



Well, then you ask him.



I hate being in the middle.

Squeaky, uh...



squeak, squeaker, squeakin'.



Jaguars? No kidding?




Uh, could you give us

a little room here?



Uh, sorry.



A little bit more, please.



- How's this?

- Yeah, that's good.



Now ask him which way

the talking llama went!



Uh, squeakity-squeak, squeakin'.



- Low blood sugar, huh?

- Yeah. It's a curse.



Well, as soon as we get something to

eat, you're walking the rest of the way.



Welcome to Mudka's Meat Hut...



home of the mug of meat.



What'll it be?



We'll have two specials.

Is that all right, dear?



Oh, whatever you say, pumpkin.

You know what I like.



- We're on our honeymoon.

- Bless you for coming out in public.



So that's two specials.



And an onion log.

To split.




I need two heartburns...



and a deep-fried doorstop

on table   !



Okay, so I'll admit

this was a good idea.



When will you learn that

all my ideas are good ones?



That's funny, because I thought that

you going into the jungle by yourself...



being chased by jaguars, lying to me

to take you back to the palace

were all really bad ideas.



Oh, yeah. Anything sounds bad

when you say it with that attitude.



Hot and crispy pillbug

for the happy couple.



Oh, boy.



Oh, here.

Let me get that for you.



- Where are you going?

- I'm just gonna slip into the kitchen

and have a word with the chef.



- You're gonna get us thrown out.

- Please.



With this disguise,

I'm invisible.



We've been walking around in circles

for who knows how long.



That is the last time we take

directions from a squirrel.



I should have done away

with Kuzco myself when I had the chance.



Oh, you really gotta stop

beating yourself up about that.



Uh-oh. I'll get you

another one there, Yzma.



- You using that fork, pal?

- Hey, don't I know you?



- I don't think so.

- Wrestled you in high school?



- Don't remember that.

- No? Metal shop?

- Uh, no...



Oh, I got it. Miss Narca's

interpretive dance... two semesters.



I was usually in the back because

of my weak ankles. Come on, pal.

You gotta help me out here.



Uh, no, look, l-I don't think

we've ever met, but, look, I gotta go.



- Don't worry. I'll think of it.

- Look, all I know is

the food looked iffy.



All right? And I'm not the only one

that thinks that, I'm sure.



- Psst! Hey!

- So I'm just checking to make sure...



that you're gonna take

the main course up a notch.



Is there anything on this menu

that is not swimming in gravy?



- Hang on. I'll go ask the chef.

- It's a simple question.



Is there or is there not

anything edible on this menu?



Hey, I didn't ask him

about dessert yet!



Hey, pal, what's your policy

on making special orders?



All right, buster,

that's it!



You want a special order,

then you make it! I quit!



- Yeah, but l... Hold on.

- You know, I try and I try, but there's

just no respect for anyone with vision.



- That-That's it! There's just

nothing I can do about it!

- Wait a second. Please don't go.

- Ordering.



- Three pork combos, extra bacon on

the side, two chili cheese samplers...

- No, no.



A basket of liver and onion rings,

a catch of the day...



and a steak cut

in the shape of a trout.



- You got all that, honey?

- Three oinkers wearing pants,

plate of hot air...



basket of Grandma's breakfast

and change the bull to a gill, got it.



- What's going on?

- There's no time to explain.

We gotta get out of here.



What is he doing in there?



- Come on!

- In a minute. I'm still hungry.



- No, Kuzco!

- Okay, I'll make it simple for you.



I'll have a spinach omelet

with wheat toast. You got it?



- Can do.

- What's taking so long?



- Pickup!

- Kronk, what are you doing?



- Kind of busy here.

- Why am I not surprised?



Yo! Order's up!



Oh, well, while you're at it, make me

the special. And hold the gravy!



- Check. Pickup!

- You know what? On second thought,

make my omelet a meat pie.



- Meat pie. Check.

- Kronk!



- Can I order the potatoes

as a side dish?

- I'll have to charge you full price.



- Hey, how about a side

of potatoes, my buddy?

- You got it. Want cheese

on those potatoes?



- Thank you, Kronk.

Cheddar will be fine.

- Cheddar spuds coming up.



- Spuds yes, cheese no.

- Hold the cheese.

- No, I want the cheese.

- Cheese it is.



- Cheese me no "likee."

- Cheese out.

- Cheese in!

- Come on. Make up your mind!



- Okay, okay, on second thought,

make my potatoes a salad.

- Make my potatoes a salad.



Excuse me. You see

that woman over there?



No problem, hon.

We do that all the time.



One, two, three, four

Happy, happy birthday

from all of us to you



We wish it was our birthday

so we could party too



Happy, happy birthday

May all your dreams come true



- We wish it was our birthday

so we could party too

- It's your birthday?



- What are you doing?

- Look, there's two people in there

looking for you.



- What?

- A big guy and a skinny old woman.



Wait. Was this woman

scary beyond all reason?



- Oh, yeah.

- That's Yzma and Kronk. I'm saved!



- Trust me, they're not here to save you.

- They'll take me back to the palace.



Thanks for your help. You've been great.

I can take it from here.



No, no, you don't understand.

They're trying to kill you.



- Kill me? Their whole world

revolves around me.

- No, I can't let you!



What? Wha...

Oh! Oh, I get it.



- What?

- You don't want to take me

back to the palace.



- You want to keep me

stranded out here forever.

- No!



- This has all been an act,

and I almost fell for it.

- Will you just listen to me...



No, no, you listen to me.

All you care about is

your-your stupid hilltop!



- What?

- You don't care about me.

Now, just get out of here. Go!



- But-But...

- Go on! Get out of here!






- Oh, this entire mess is all your fault.

- What'd I do?



If you hadn't mixed up those poisons,

Kuzco would be dead now!



There'll be no more diversions until

we track that llama down and kill him!



Said I was sorry. Can't just let it go,

not even on your birthday.



Kuzco must be eliminated.



The empire will finally be rid

of that useless slug.



Well, you got a point. Nobody really

seems to care that he's gone, do they?









So this is where you came in.



See, just like I said,

I'm the victim here.



I didn't do anything, and they ruined

my life and took everything I had.



- Hey, give it a rest up there, will you?

- What? I'm just telling them

what happened.



Who you kidding, pal? They saw the

whole thing. They know what happened.



- Well, yeah, but... but...

- Just leave me alone.



The peasant at the diner!



He didn't pay his check.



He's the peasant who I saw leaving

the city who disappeared into the crowd

with Kuzco on the back of his cart.



He must have taken him back to his

village, so if we find the village,

we find him...



and if we find him, we find Kuzco.



Oh, yeah,

it's all comin' together.



- Yzma!

- What?



This had better be good!



So there we were standing on the cliff,

and the ground started to rumble.



And just as it started to go,

he grabbed me before I fell.



Do you believe that?



You know, call me crazy for following

this guy all the way out here...



but as much as he tries to deny it,

I know there's some good in him.



Besides, I couldn't just

leave him out here all alone.



He's a lousy llama.



I mean,

a really lousy llama.



Hey, listen, Pacha, you know...



what I said to you

back at the diner, that-that...



l-I didn't really...



So, you tired of being a llama?






Okay, we're just gonna stop at

the house and get some supplies.



- Then we'll be on our way, right?

- Right.



Hey there, Pacha. Hey, you know,

you just missed your relatives.



- My relatives?

- Yeah. We just sent 'em

up to your house.



- What did they look like?

- Well, you see,

there was this big guy...



and this older woman who was, uh...



- How would you describe her?

- Scary beyond all reason.



Yeah, that's it.



So remind me again how

you're related to Pacha?



Why, I'm his third cousin's brother's

wife's step-niece's great aunt.



Twice removed.



- Uh-huh.

- Isn't that right, Kronk?



Ninety-nine monkeys

jumpin'on the bed



One fell off

and bumped his head



You know, I am so sorry that

you had to come all this way...



but as I said to you before,

you may recall, Pacha is not here.



- I'll be sure and tell him you came by.

- Oh, would you, please?



That would be just great.



Oops. Silly me.



No, no. Allow me.



She's hiding something. When I give

the word, we search the house.



Okay, but I still have

   monkeys to go.



- So while we're waiting for Paca...

- Pacha.



Yeah, l...

Oh, yes.



Um, perhaps we can have a tour

of your lovely home.



You know, why don't you just

come back when Pacha gets home?



I'm sure he'd love

to show you the...



Uh, excuse me, won't you?



I think I left something

in the oven.



This is my variation of double Dutch.

On the signal, we switch places.



- Kronk, it's time!

- Okay.



So we have to get back to the palace,

find the lab and change him back.



Hi there!



- Um, that was him.

- Whoops.



You know what? I don't believe

you're really my great aunt.



You're more like

my great-great-great...



Go. I'll stall them long enough

for you two to get a head start.



- Thanks, honey.

- You have a lovely wife.

They're both very pretty.






- All right! Are you through?

- Great-great aunt.



- So, where were we?

- Listen, sister,

we're not leaving until...



I show you the house.

Of course.



Hey, was it a good idea to leave

your family with those two?



Oh, don't worry.

They can handle themselves.



What do you mean, the door is stuck?

Try jiggling the handle.



- There is no handle in here.

- There's not? Are you sure?



All right,

I've had enough of this.



Tell us where the talking llama is,

and we'll burn your house to the ground.



Uh, don't you mean "or"?



Tell us where the talking llama is,

or we'll burn your house to the ground.



Well, which is it? That seems

like a pretty crucial conjunction.



That's it, Kronk!

Break the door down!



Break it down? Are you kidding me?

This is hand-carved mahogany.



I don't care, you fool. Get out of

my way. I'll break it down myself.



- A-one!

- Okay, kids, you know what to do.



- Two!

- Right, Mom!






Okay, children,

on your mark...



get set, go!



Stop it, you little brats!




Ow! Oh, there they go, Kronk!

And... They're getting away!



Well, I had a great time.

Let's not wait...



until the next family reunion

to get together.



- Kronk!

- I, uh... I gotta run.



Okay, why does she even

have that lever?



Please remain seated and keep your arms

and legs in at all times.






- What does it look like?

- I don't know. Just keep looking.



Over here!

It has to be one of these.



Lions, tigers, bears...



Oh, my.



Looking for this?



No! It can't be! How did you

get back here before us?



Uh... How did we, Kronk?



Well, ya got me. By all accounts,

it doesn't make sense.



Oh, well, back to business.



Okay, I admit it. Maybe I wasn't

as nice as I should have been.



But, Yzma, do you

really want to kill me?



Just think of it

as you're being let go...



that your life's going

in a different direction...



that your body's part of

a permanent outplacement.



Hey, that's kind of like what he said

to you when you got fired.



I know.

It's called a cruel irony...



like my dependence on you.



- I can't believe this is happening!

- Then I bet you weren't expecting this.






- Aha!

- Oh, okay.



Finish them off.



Hey, you're not backing down now,

are you, big guy?



Uh, where's the other guy?



- Yo!

- Sorry I'm late. So what'd I miss?



Well, Yzma just tossed me this knife and

asked me to, you know, take them out.



And then this guy popped up and then

we waited for you, and quite honestly...



Kronk! Why did I think

you could do this?



This one simple thing.

It's like I'm talking to a monkey.



- Whoa now!

- A really, really

big stupid monkey named Kronk!



- Ouch.

- And do you want to know something else?



I've never liked

your spinach puffs.






- That's it. She's going down.

- Now, now, remember, guys.



From above, the wicked shall

receive their just reward.



That'll work.



- Strange. That usually works.

- And so does this!



Ah. Should have seen

that coming. Whoa!



Give me that vial!



Oops. Clumsy me.



Which one? Which one?



Better hurry.

I'm expecting company.



Kill them!

They murdered the emperor!



No, wait! I'm the emperor!

It's me... Kuzco!



- They're not listening to me!

- Just take 'em all.



- Get them!

- Hey, I've been turned into a cow.



- Can I go home?

- You're excused. Anyone else?



- No, we're good.

- Yeah, we're-we're good.

- Get them!



We've gotta change you back.

Try this one.



Uh, Pacha?

Little help!



Come on! Come on!



Oh, please be

something with wings.



Yeah! We're flyin'!




We're not getting anywhere

with you picking the vials.

I'm picking the next one.



- Fine by me!

- Give me that one.



Don't you say a word.




Drain the canals!



Open up!



Yea! I'm a llama again!






- There they go! After them!

- Come on, men!



Nobody lives forever! Charge!



Okay, only two left.

It's gotta be one of these.






I'll take that.



This is the one.

This'll change you back to a human.



Ow! Hey, get her off!



Ow! Get her off me!



- Drink the potion!

- Okay, okay!



- Where did it go? Where is it?

- Looking for this?



Is that my voice?

Is that my voice?



- Oh, well.

- No, no! Don't drop it!



I'm not going to drop it,

you fool!



I'm going to drink it!



And once I turn back

into my beautiful self...



I'm going to kill you!



Oh! Uh-oh.



- Kuzco!

- Be right there! Give me a minute!



Kuzco! Whoa!






The vial!



For the last time,

we did not order a giant trampoline.



You know, pal, you could have

told me that before I set it up.



The vial!

You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?



- I win.

- Whoa.



Got it!



What are the odds of

that trap door leadin' me out here?



Here, uh, let me

get this for you.



Well, see ya

on the other side.



Oh, now, you-you-you stop

being so hard on yourself.



- All is forgiven.

- You're sure?



Oh, it's not the first time

I was tossed out a window,

and it won't be the last.



What can I say?

I'm a rebel.



Whoa-ho-ho, tiger.

Oh, hey!



I gotta use that arm later.

Okay, buddy, take care.



He's a sweet guy.



So, you lied to me.



- I did?

- Yeah. You said...



when the sun hits this ridge

just right, these hills sing.



Well, pal, I was dragged

all over those hills...



and I did not hear any singing.



So I'll be building my summer home

on a more magical hill.



Thank you.



Couldn't pull the wool

over your eyes, huh?



No, no, I'm sharp.

I'm on it.



Looks like you and your family are stuck

on the tuneless hilltop forever, pal.



You know, I'm pretty sure I heard

some singing on the hill next to us.



In case you're interested.



- Ha! Boom, baby!

- Ha! Boom, baby!



You'd be the coolest dude

in the nation



Or the hippest cat in creation



But if you ain't got friends

then nothing's worth the fuss



Aperfect world will come to be



When everybody here can see



That a perfect world begins and ends



Aperfect world begins and ends



Aperfect world

begins and ends with us



- "My acorn is missing."

- Squeak, squeakin', squeak, squeakity.



- "Did you eat the acorn?"

- Squeaker, squeak, squeak, squeakin'?



- "You owe me a new acorn."

- Squeak, squeak, squeak,

squeak, squeaker...



- Squeakin'.

- I'm so proud of you guys.



- Squeakin'.

- I'm so proud of you guys.



In the quiet time of evening



When the stars assume their patterns



And the day has made his journey



And we wondered just what happened



To the life we knew



Before the world changed



When not a thing I had



Was true



But you were kind to me



And you reminded me



That the world

is not my playground



There are other things that matter



And what is simple needs protecting



Or my illusions all would shatter



But you stayed



In my corner



The only world I know

was upside-down



And now the world and me



We know you carry me



You see the patterns

in the big sky



Those constellations look

like you and I



Just like the patterns

in the big sky



We could be lost

we could refuse to try



But we made it through



In the dark night



Who would those lucky guys

turn out to be



But that unusual blend



Of my funny friend and me



I'm not as clever as I thought I was



I'm not the boy

I used to be because



You show me somethin'different



You show me somethin'pure



I always seemed so certain

but I was really never sure



But you stayed



And you called my name



When others would have walked out

on a lousy game



And look who made it through



But your funny friend and me



- You see the patterns in the big sky

- Yeah, yeah, yeah



Those constellations look

like you and I



That tiny planet

and the bigger guy



I don't know whether

I should laugh or cry



- Just like the patterns in the big sky

- We'll be together



We'll be together

till the end this time



You don't know

you don't know



- Don't know the answer or the reason why

- We'll stick together



We'll stick together

till the day we die



If I had to do this all

a second time



I won't complain or make a fuss



Who would the angels send



But that unlikely blend



Of those two funny friends



That's us




Special help by SergeiK