Ernest Goes To Camp Script - Dialogue Transcript

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Ernest Goes To Camp Script

            [ Crickets chirp, owl hoots ]

            [ Drums beating ]

            [ Chanting ]

            [ Drumming and chanting continue ]

            [ Wind whistling ]

            [ Wind whistling ]

            [ Drumming and chanting continue ]

            [ Wind whistling ]

            [ Drumming and chanting stop ]

            [ Shouts in native language ]

            [ Shouts in native language ]

            [ Metal rattling ]

            ''Safety first'' -- that's my motto.

            When one is doing dangerous work,

            one must pay careful attention to the safety of one's body,

            know what l mean?

            Aah .

            But one day, l'll be a camp counselor,

            and l'll be running this place.

            l'll be shaping and molding youthful minds

            into a focused worldview.


            Ernest P. Worrell , camp counselor,

            an extraordinary thing to witness.

            [ Gasping ]

            Aah !

            [ Crash ]

            [ Grunting ]

            Ugh ! Ugh !

            [ Engine stops ]

            [ Birds chirping ]

            Aah !

            [ Breathing heavily ]

            [ Engine rumbling ]


            [ Grunts, water gurgles ]

            [ Straining ]

            [ Water gurgling ]

            [ Straining ]

            [ Water gurgling ]

            [ Straining ]

            [ Water gurgling ]

            [ Straining ]

            [ Water gurgling ]

            [ Straining ]

            [ Water gurgling ]

            [ Straining ]

            [ Water gurgling ]

            [ Grunting ]

            [ Water gurgling ]

            [ Straining ]

            [ Water gurgling ]

            Ah heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh .

            [ Porcelain creaking ]

            [ Toilet flushes ]


            [ Boys cheering ]

            Okay, off the bus! Off the bus!

            Come on ! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

            Get a line. Get a line going .

            Get a line going . Let's go.

            Let's go. Move quick. Move it.

            Let's go, gentlemen !

             Let's go! Move it out!

              Hey, fellas. Welcome to Kamp Kikakee.

              l've got everything fixed up for you at the cabins,

              know what l mean?

              Well , look who's here, huh? Just like old times, huh?

              Yeah . Remember all the fun we had last summer?

              Hey, let's start things off right. What do you say?

              Mm-hmm .

              [ Laughter ]

              My ha--

              My ha-- my. . .ha--

              my hand-- hands!

              You got a bad attitude, son .

              Let's go! Let's go! Move it!

              Let's go! Let's go!

              [ Boys shouting indistinctly ]

              Straighten up these lines. Come on. Let's go.

              Men . . .

              Welcome to another great summer here at Kamp Kikakee!

              [ Boys cheering ]

              Right here on this very ground ,

              lndians once tested their young braves

              and taught them the ways of the forest.

              And right here, you'll be tested and taught, too,

              just as they were hundreds of years ago --

              swimming . . .

              fire building, cooking, camping...

              archery, wilderness survival .

              For those of you who accept the challenge,

              there'll be a ceremony of the blade. . .the stone. . .

              and the arrow.

              All right, guys. . . Let's go!

              [ Boys cheering ]

              Man: Hup!


              Hup! Hup!

              Hup! And up!

              All right, hit the deck -- push-ups.

              Crank out    .

              Ready. . .









              Morning , Ernest.

              Oh , hi , Miss St. Cloud .


              The sun rides high . . .

              in . . .its path . . . across the heavens.

              Where. . .is the red . . .

              chaise lounge?

              Ernest, what l came down here for is --

              You know, engineering your lifeguard stand

              is an important business.

              You have got to figure your angles just right.

              Course, l won't always be fixin' things around here.

              One day l will be a full-fledged counselor.

              l have learned all the steps in the path of the brave,

              l have memorized the handbook,

              and l learned the Kikakee sign language.

              lf only they'd give a fella a chance.

              l'm sure they will , Ernest.

              Nuh-uh .

              But the real reason l'm here

              is to see if you've gotten all your shots.

              [ Chuckles ]


              [ Chuckles ] Yeah . . .


              How's that grandfather of yours nowadays?

              l haven't seen him around lately.

              Oh , he's out at his place.

              l worry about him sometimes. He's so old .

              But these woods are his home.

              Yeah , he's a wise man . [ Chuckles ]

              Doesn't believe in modern things like. . .shots.

              [ Chuckles ]

              That's right.

              He lives by the old ways.

              ln fact, he thinks l'm wasting time studying medicine.

              Shouldn't you , uh , have a little more practice

              before you go around stickin' needles in people?

              [ Chuckles ] l've had lots of practice.

              lf l keep doing it, l might even get good at it.

              [ Pop ]

              [ Swallows ]

              See? A. . .cold , wet nose. Color's good .

              [ Sniffs ]

              No fever. [ Chuckles ]

              Come on , now, Ernest.

              You know this isn't going to hurt. . .

              much .

              l can take it, Miss St. Cloud .

              Real men can take it, and l'm a real man --

              a man with a hearty smile, a stout back. . .

              with grit in his teeth and nails in his knuckles,

              a man who has never tasted quiche --

              ls that your smallest needle?

              l did it!

              l took the Lindbergh baby!

              l am Josef Mengele!


              [ Papers rustling ]

              Well , as you men know,

              our camp's been selected by the governor's staff

              to take part in his, uh , program for disadvantaged youngsters.

              He calls it, uh , ''Operation : Second Chance.''

              Some camps have all the luck.

              And l just got notification that the second-chancers are gonna be ready to be picked up today,

              and l wanted you guys to be prepared for it.

              Better hide your wallets.

              Yeah , and get out your brass knuckles.

              We're already short-handed . How are we gonna handle those delinquents?

              Oh , they're not delinquents.

              They're just boys from a bit rougher environment than most of us.

              You mean underage criminals.

              No, they're not.

              They're all residents of the State lnstitute For Boys,

              but they're not criminals.

              Stennis, l'm gonna let you be their counselor.

              Why do l get stuck with them?

              Because you've got the most experience.

              Besides, after you get to know those boys --

              Oh , l'm not gonna take any crap off of them .

              lf they get out of line, l'm gonna knock 'em back in .

              Ross, Ross... listen to me.

              Just do the best you can.

              lf you can't handle it,

              -- [ Bones crack ] we'll have no choice. We'll have to send them back.

              Oh , l can handle 'em all right.

              Yeah , a little discipline is probably just what they need .

              Uh, Ernest, will you take the bus over

              and get those second-chancers for me?

              [ Creaking ] Aah !

              [ Thud , glass breaking ]

              [ Engine rumbling ]

              " Bad luck and me, we are old friends "

              " Dealt me the losing hand once again "

              " Now l'm doin' time, and time ain't kind "

              " Sun comes up, but it don't ever shine "

              Boy, l can't wait to get outta here.

              Anyplace is better than this dump.

              Shut up, you two.

              Last warning --

              you get out of line, and you don't go.

              Ooh .

              [ Engine revs, brakes squeak ]

              Man: All boys in Section  

              report immediately to the exercise yard.

              Hi , fellas.

              of learnin' the ways of the forest

              and the path of the brave and that sort of thing?

              lf you ask me, this second-chance stuff is a total waste of time,

              Mister, uh . . .

              Oh , uh , Worrell -- Ernest P. Worrell .

              l don't envy whoever has to look after this bunch of punks.

              They're trouble all the way.

              My motto is, ''l never met a bad kid .''

              Then let me introduce you to some.

              These misfits were selected by their ward officers

              as those most in need of help.

              This is the ringleader, Bobby Wayne.

              He's been in and out of institutions like this

              since he was     .

              Since l was  .

              And this is Crutchfield ,

                  years old and already a master thief.

              lt's like a gift or somethin' .

              Well , thanks.

              Uh , here's Danny Simpson .

              He comes from a long line of troublemakers.

              lt's a family tradition .

              l've got a reputation to uphold .

              And the Albert Einstein of this institution ,

              Chip Ozgood.

              Butch ''Too Cool'' Vargas.

              [ Door opens, closes ]

              Hey, Moose! Hurry up, man !

              lt's Moustafa, the runt of the litter.

              l told you --

              it's dangerous to run with things in your mouth .

              Yes, ma'am . l'm sorry.

              Uh , well , uh , all aboard that's goin' ashore.

              Here we go -- life in the fast lane.

              Whoa. Nice bus.

              Does it run?

              Boy, we're gonna have a great time this summer.

              We got boating and , uh , campin'

              and swimmin' and lndian Lore,

              and l've got everything fixed up for you , too.

              Guess who!

              [ Laughter ]

              Uh , let's see. Uh , Bobby?

              -- No, no. -- No. -- No.

              Uh , um , not Moose.

              lt's not Ozgood .

              Now, don't tell me, really. Really, l'm really good at this. l really am .

              [ Engine revving ]

              -- Let's see -- -- Turn left, Ernest!

              [ Horn blares ]

              [ Tires screech ]

              Uh , Vargas.


              No? Okay.

              Hey, guys, when the new campers get here,

              let's give 'em a big Kamp Kikakee welcome, okay?!

              Oh , the leader's the biggest geek of them all .

              Not Crutchfield . Crutchfield ! That's it!

              [ Laughter ]

              l knew it was Crutchfield all along .


              [ Brakes squeak, glass breaks ]

              [ Hinges squeak, thud ]

              [ Laughter ]

              What happened?

              Ernest wasn't watching the road .

              All right, you guys move out. This ain't a pleasure cruise.

              [ Laughter ]

              [ Grunts ]

              Come on . Move.

              You guys, line up.

              Frankly, l'm disappointed in you , Ernest.

              l give you a simple task to do, and this is what l get.

              l don't know how you can ever expect to be a counselor.

              You're right, Mr. Tipton .

              He's just not counselor material .

              [ Coughs ]

              Uh , Mist-- it's -- it's not my fault.

              All right, let's go.

              l was -- [ Coughs ]

              l mean l was. . . [ Sighs ]

              l'm sorry, Mr. Tipton . l'll try to do better.

              [ Sighs ]

              Gosh .

              Let's go. Keep it moving .

              [ Birds chirping ]

              [ Exhales deeply ]

              Well , this is it -- your home away from prison .

              Stennis, the delinquents you ordered --

              all yours.

              Have fun , guys.

              The name's Stennis -- Counselor Stennis to you .

              Let's go. Move it. lnside.

              All right, get this place cleaned up.

              Mess hall,     minutes.

              What a dump!

              [ lndistinct conversations ]

              [ All talking ]

              [ Talking subsides ]

              Here comes the riffraff.

              Looks like ''Project: Last Chance'' to me.

              Come on , gang . Follow me.

              Well , well .

              Looks like daddy's little gentlemen are glad to see us.

              Yeah, if white bread could talk, it'd fit in right here.

              There's a lot of love in this room .

              l can feel it, and it's a beautiful thing .

              Yeah . l'm moved .

              [ Liquid bubbling ]

              Hi , fellas.

              Boy, do l have something special prepared

              for your first day at camp.

              -- [ Fly buzzing ] -- Hey, what is this stuff?

              Oh , it's sugar puffs with a gravy casserole

              with just a cuwcah of bologna-walnut fudge in a pork marinade.

              l think it'll be a real boost for the fiber of American youth .

              lsn't it, Jake?

              Why, of course it is.

              Doesn't smell too bad .

              [ Buzzing continues ]

              Yeah , that's the guy

              who once ate two pounds of modeling clay.

              Modeling clay!

              Yellow modeling clay!

              That's the secret ingredient to eggs erroneous.

              We re-fuse the proteins like bullion .

              Of course it would ! Uh , get back to work!

              Modeling clay. . .

              Modeling clay.

              [ lndistinct conversations ]

              Ugh !

              Oh ! Ho ho!

              Did the little fellow fall down and go boom?

              Looks like he needs special classes in walking .

              Hey, dipstick, you ever pick on anybody your own size, or just little kids?

              Hey, can l help it if the kid can't walk?

              lt was an accident.

              Accident, huh?

              Well . . .whoops!

              What do you know? Another accident!

              There must be something going around .

              [ Laughter ]

              Ugh !

              [ All shouting indistinctly ]

              [ Shouting continues ]

              Stop it! Stop it!

              [ Shouting stops ]

              What do you think you're doing?

              -- This! -- This!

              [ Shouting resumes ]

              [ Thud ]

              [ Shouting stops ]

              [ Grunting ]

              Oh, my God. He can't breathe!

              Well , let's do something . Come on .

              [ Mumbling ]

              Come on , guys! l got him ! l got him ! Guys, l got him !

              Back up!

              Hold steady, now!

              [ Mumbling ]

              [ Thud ]

              [ Grunts ]

              [ Thud ]

              [ Thud , Ernest groans ]

              [ Rubble falling ]

              This ditch has got to go

              all the way to the waterfront, gentlemen .

              Maybe by then some of the fight will be out of your system .

              Man , this isn't fair. They started it.

              Yeah , man ! They tripped Moose!

              You boys have got to learn --

              if you play. . .you pay.

              Hey, don't work too hard , fellas.

              Yeah , life's a ditch , guys.

              Can you dig it?

              l just want one clean shot at blondie.

              [ Grunting ]

              Now, Eddie, if you don't stir it, it'll clot on ya.

              [ Sniffs ] Something burnin'?

              Here. Look what we got for ya.


              Look at that.

              Jake's specialty du jour -- eggs erroneous.

              lt's made with powdered eggs and     herbs and spices

              smuggled into this country by Tibetan monks.

              Ernest, l want you to cut yourself a big knock

              out of these eggs erroneous.

              No, l-l can't eat on an empty stomach .

              Why, of course you can .

              Eddie does, and look at that rosy glow to his teeth .

              [ Bell dings ]


              -- Oh , come on , now. -- No.

              Now, Ernest, would somebody dressed like this

              lie to you about food?

              Fond as l am of Tibetan cooking ,

              a hungry lion hunts best, know what l mean?

              Now, come on . Take you a little bite.


              -- Come on , now. -- No.

              -- Open big . -- No.

              -- Come on . -- No.

              -- Ernest. . . -- No!

              -- Ernest. . . -- No!

              -- Ernest! -- No!


              lt's time for the plane to go to hangar.

              [ Liquid bubbling ]


              [ lmitating sputtering engine ]

              [ Engine roars ]

              [ Mumbling ]

              A rabbit, Jake!

              We could use a rabbit!


              That's it! A rabbit!

              A big , fat rabbit with all of its shots!

              [ Gagging ]

              [ Humming ]

              [ Vomiting ]

              Hey, you boys got a look all your own .

              -- Who-oa! -- Should've been ready.

              You snooze, you lose.

              [ Grunts, laughs ]

              You just watch it!

              l'll get you !




              [ Laughter ]


              [ Boys cheering ]


              All right. Everybody to the line.

              [ Diving board rattling ]

              Okay, everybody in the water.

              Wow, this is great!

              Come on, Moose!

              Moose-tafa -- Moose -- whatever they call you --


              So. . .you're the only one that can't swim , eh?

              [ Boys shouting ]

              No. . .please.

              Well , you're gonna learn . . . the Stennis way.

              No! [ Crying ] No!

              l can't swim !


              Somebody help!

              [ Thud ]


              [ Coughing ]

              Thanks, Ernest. l could've made it.

              Glad to help out.

              Well , meatheads, we're gonna try this again .

              This time it's to the end of the lake and back.


              Everybody in the water.

              [ All grunting ]


              Yeah !

              [ Laughter ]

              My leg . My l-- [ Coughs ]

              He's learning to swim the Stennis way.

              [ Laughter ]

              [ Coughs ]

              My leg ! Aah !

              [ Crickets chirp ]

              lt's a shame about Counselor Stennis' accident.

              lt was no accident.

              l don't know what to do.

              l mean , it's important to make the experiment work.

              Send 'em back! Get 'em out of here!

              These guys have no respect for anything .

              The main problem is we're already short-handed .

              What we need is another counselor.

              Hey. . .

              l got an idea.

              Ernest, uh, have you ever had

              any group-leadership experience?

              Uh , l had an ant farm once.

              Close enough .

              How would you like to be a counselor?

              Are you kiddin'? Y-You mean a-a real counselor?

              A counselor like you guys, a counselor?

              Just like us, Ernest.

              Uh , oh , Mr. Tipton , uh , that's great.

              And -- and l'll do a great job -- a great job --

              and l'll do my regular work, too.

              Oh , l can't believe it's true -- me, a counselor.

              Oh , a-a real counselor.

              l can't believe it. Oh , thank you , Mr. Tipton .

              Thank you, thank you, thank you.

              A real counselor -- a really, really real, real,

              really, really, really, real counselor.

              Thank you, Mr. Tipton. Thank you. [ Smooches ]

              [ Metal rattling ]

              As your counselor,

              l will be taking you deep into the forest

              in search of actual nature.

              We'll be traveling fast,

              moving light, keeping our ears to the grindstone.

              So stay together, be remindful of the weather,

              and , for Heaven's sakes,

              don't pick it, or it will never heal .

              [ Metal rattling ]

              This guy looks like a walking army-surplus store.

              The Salvation Army.

              l feel like the blind are leading the stupid .

              What a loser.

              [ Birds and crickets chirping ]

              Hey, Rambo, where are we goin'?

              Maybe he knows a shortcut.

              Maybe we're lost.

              What is this, ''Wild Kingdom''?

              Ernest: Yeah, boys, isn't it great to get off the beaten path,

              get out where nature really lives?

              None of that theme-park stuff here, know what l mean?

              Come on , Ernest. You're gonna get us lost.

              Well , we were lost for weeks in Nam .

              l was under fire, my body riddled with shrapnel ,

              malaria, mono...

              wet socks.

              So. . .how do we get out of here?

              Yeah , we were -- we were rough , tough , and hard to bluff.

              Men of iron ,

              men who had never tasted quiche.


              Well , you couldn't even get quiche in nam .

              Gosh , Ernest, l guess you've done about everything .

              Some men try, and some men die.

              [ Snaps fingers ] Hey.

              [ Rumbling , explosions ]

              He's waitin' on you .

              Mr. Blatz. . .Mr. Blatz?

              lt looks like we're making progress, sir.

              This sample is over   % petrocite.

                % . Well , this little expedition may be worth something yet.

              Talk to me, George.

              Well , Mr. Blatz,

              l've been studying the results of the exploratories,

              and the big hit is right here at Kamp Kikakee.

              [ Beep ]

              Man: Blatz here yet?

              [ Exhales deeply ]

              Did you get it?


              l couldn't get the old lndian to budge.

              Sherman , he might as well be on another planet.

              l don't want your excuses.

              l want results.

              All right, Sherman , l'll give it another try.

              Do l have to remind you , Mr. Blatz,

              just how valuable petrocite is to the space program

              and every other defense contractor in the world?

              What we're talking about here

              is the largest deposit ever found .

              There are millions at stake here. . .

              so why don't you get your tight, little lawyer's butt

              over to the camp and get me that lease?

              Learning to make a fire

              without matches and gasoline is essential .

              [ Birds chirping ]

              You need to know the basic physics of friction .

              lt's a simple rule of nature.

              You know, you can make a fire this way.

              Boy, is it painful .


              [ Leaves rustling , metal rattling ]

              Do you believe this guy?

              Boys, look!

              A family of badgers.

              Just as l promised you -- actual nature.

              El Badgerus Maximus Ferocius with young .

              The young look just like the regular badgers,

              only smaller.

              Now, here's a lesson to be learned --

              although they look cute and cuddly,

              don't ever, ever do this to a family of badgers.

              Aba daba daba daba daba daba daba!

              Aaaaah !

              [ Badgers growling , chomping ]

              [ Ernest screaming ]

              All right! Time to practice first aid !

              -- Hey, yeah , let's go! Come on ! -- Yeah !

              [ Muffled voice ] This is a real nice field dressing , fellas,

              but l can't breathe.

              [ Muffled laughter ]

              W-What's that, Ernest? l-l can't hear you .

              You've got gauze in your mouth .

              l said l can't breathe!

              Get me out of here, fast!

              D-Did you say fast?

              Uh-huh .

              -- Uh-huh . -- [ Laughter ]

              Okay, no -- no problem .

              We'll have you out of there in a jiffy.

              [ Birds chirping ]

              [ Keys jingle, engine turns over ]

              Just stick tight. We'll be out of there.

              Just hold on.

              [ Engine revs ]

              Mnh ! Mnh !

              Mnh ! Mnh !

              [ Muffled shouting ]

              [ Shouting continues ]

              Ahhh .

              [ Groans ]

              [ Thud ]

              What happened?

              Uh , Ernest was teaching us first aid .

              Well . . .at least nobody was hurt.

              [ Ernest groans ]

              Look, Miss St. Cloud , how can l convince you here?

              This is the chance of a lifetime for you and your grandfather.

              Now, he will receive   % --   % royalty, chief --

              on every ounce of petrocite

              that Krader Mining pulls from the ground .

              Now, we're talking a lot of money here. . .

              well over a million dollars in just the first year.

              All right, l'll try again . . .

              Thank you .

              But l know my grandfather.

              You will have great wealth

              if you let these men own the land .

              [ Speaking native language ]

              He says, ''Who can own a tree?

              ''Who can own a rock?

              Only the great spirit.''

              [ Birds chirping ]

              Mr. Blatz, this camp is here

              because these were ancient ceremonial grounds.

              My grandfather and l are the last members of our tribe.

              This is part of a sacred trust.

              My grandfather thinks of those boys as young braves

              who keep alive the tradition of our ancestors.

              [ lnhales deeply ]

              [ Briefcase clicks ]

              l'm sorry to hear that, Miss St. Cloud . . .

              . . .but have a nice day.

              [ lndistinct conversations ]

              Hey, Bobby Wayne, let's see that.

              Now, that is a real beauty.

              [ Click ]

              Let your old buddy Ernest

              show you how to put a razor edge on that dog .

              How 'bout it?

              First, you wet the stone.

              [ Slurps ]

              Ech !

              That's the hard part.

              [ Smacks lips ]

              Then you hold the knife at a perfect   -degree angle

              and run it briskly down the stone. . .

              [ Metal scrapes ]

              And through the meat of the hand .

              There you go, razor sharp.

              Ah heh heh heh heh .

              ls that a rabbit over there?


              -- First aid? -- First aid .

              [ Engine rumbling ]

              Eddie, the way l've got this figured is --

              the new liver-loaf lunch arranger

              can feed the entire camp in -- in two minutes.

              l-lt slices, it dices, it juliennes. . .

              and it teaches respect!

              Yes, Jake, the liver-loaf lunch arranger

              has taken us one step closer

              to the elusive eggs erroneous.

              Ready, Eddie?!

              Lobster bisque!

              Lobster bisque, here! Ready, ready!

              [ High-pitched voice ] No, no, not the lobster bisque!

              [ Normal voice ] Oh , you don't want to go in the liver-loaf arranger?

              [ High-pitched voice ] No!

              [ Normal voice ] Okay, l won't put you in there then .

              Get outta here! You and your sappy friend , too.

              [ High-pitched voice ] No, no!

              Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

              l love crustaceans, Jake. Put him in.

              All right, got it, Jake. Got it.

              Elevate, elevate!

              Pretty good , Jake.

              Chicken potpie!

              Chicken . . .

              [ Clucking ]

              Pot. . .


              Chicken potpie, Jake.

              Comin' your way, Eddie! Rockin' fire!

              Shoot it, baby! Shoot it!

              Ah ha ha!

              [ Motor whirring ]

              l want you to go long this time, Eddie.

              Ready, Jake!

              And now for Fettuccine Alfredo.

              Fettuccine Alfredo, Jake.

              First, the fettuccine. . .

              And then a little ltalian named Fredo.

              [ ltalian accent ] No, mamma mia!

              Not in the liver-loaf arranger!

              [ Normal voice ] Of course in there.

              Let 'er rip, Jake.

              [ Motor whirring ]

              All right! Yeah!

              Ech !

              [ Air hissing ]

              [ Groaning ]

              [ Crickets chirp ]

              [ Straining ]

              Uhh ! [ Breathing heavily ]

              [ Jet engine blasts, roars ]

              [ Whistling ]

              Aah !

              Ah heh heh heh heh heh heh .

              [ Sizzling ]


              [ Gasps ] Ugh !

              [ Metal clanks ]

              -- [ Sizzling ] -- Oww!

              [ Chips clinking ]

              lt's all right.

              Yeah , it's okay here. . .

              compared to the institute.

              Yeah . l sort of like actual nature.

              Full boat -- ladies and cowboys.

              Aw, man !

              That's it for me.

              What are y'all doin' , huh?

              Ahh , poker.

              lt looks like l'm gonna have to teach you

              a little lesson in gaming .

              Put on the eggs, mama,

              'cause daddy's gonna bring home the bacon , know what l mean?

              Oh , sure, Ernest. Hey, deal him in , Oz.

              Come on over here, good luck.

              Yeah , l remember once l was playing dollar ante

              with a bunch of roughnecks

              from down around the oil fields of Delacroix.

              We were playing  -card Mexican Gorilla Sweat,

              deuces and treses wild ,

              and , boys, l was catching cards like l had     fingers,

              know what l mean?

              [ Chips clinking ]

              l get paid on Fridays.

              l could let you have $   a week.

              That means l'd be paid up in     years. . .

              and a couple of months.

              Ohh .

              [ Engine rumbling ]

              Site four's got to be cleared tonight,

              and they're still in there!

              Listen to me! There are such things as laws.

              There are proper channels.

              You can't just go into somebody's house and take --

              Hey. . .

              What are you doing here?

              They're still in there!

              Sherman , can we not give this family

              just a little more time?

              Do they have any legal right to be there?

              Technically. . .no.

              Then get rid of them .

              Thank you .

              This house is the last thing in our way.

              [ Woman and girl crying ]

              l'll tell you , you ain't gonna take our home.

              l don't care what the paper says.

              Woman : No! No!

              -- Get outta here! -- l'm out!

              Get out of here now!

              Now, why don't you give me some more of your excuses

              as to why you don't have that lease for Kamp Kikakee?!

              [ Door closes, engine turns over ]

              [ Crying continues ]

              Boy, the guys are gonna love this.

              Am l a genius or what?

              [ Metal clanking ]

              [ Fire crackling ]

              [ Engine turns over, rumbles ]

              [ Squeaking ]

              [ Whistling melodically ]

              [ Engine stops ]

              [ Engine starts ]

              Heh heh heh heh heh .

              [ Squeaking ]

              [ Creaking ]

              Oh ! Oh !

              Oh! Oh, oh! Oh!

              Ohh ! No, no, No-o-o-o!

              Oh! Oh!


              Aaah ! Aaah !

              [ Engine stops ]

              Ah heh heh heh heh heh heh .

              [ Engine starts ]

              Aaaaah !

              Aaaaah !

              Aah ! Aah !

              Aah ! Aah ! Aah ! Aah !

              Ow! Ooh !

              [ Air hisses ]

              Ahhh . Ahhh .

              Uh !

              [ Mud sloshing ]

              Uh ! Uh-uh-uh !

              [ lndistinct conversations ]

              [ Boy laughs ]


              Before we begin today's activities,

              l want to remind you

              that as a part of the path of the brave,

              each cabin will have a project.

              That project should reflect

              the proud tradition of Kamp Kikakee.

              -- Wow. -- Wow. -- Wow.

              The winner of last year's competition

              made a full lndian ceremonial headdress.

              -- So what? -- So what? -- So what?

              This year...

              l hope that one of our group will do even better.

              Okay, fellas, let's get to it!

              [ Cheers and applause ]

              [ lndistinct conversations ]

              Okay, men , l want you to give some special thought

              to the competition Mr. Tipton talked about.

              Who knows? We might even beat 'em at their own game.

              Yeah , with a little teamwork,

              with a little blood and sweat and tears,

              we might just win .

              Oh, come on, even a flounder takes sides.

              Anybody got any ideas?

              We could quit 'cause we don't have a chance.


              Well , you know they ain't gonna let us win anything .

              They don't even want us to be here.

              Man: Let's move out! Everybody to the archery range!

              Come on , fellas, we got to at least try.

              l know! We could build an authentic lndian tepee.

              You know, we could cut some tall poles,

              and we could get some paint and some special lashings and --

              [ Sighs ]

              Ernest, if you really want to build a tepee, l'll help you .

              Move it, short stuff! We're waiting!

              [ Bird caws ]

                  degrees northwest by   degrees southeast. . .

              divided by   carry the one.

              Miss St. Cloud: Oh, hi, Ernest.

              Oh , hi , Nurse St. Cloud .

              Are you lost again?

              Oh , no, no, no. The woods are my home.

              Yes, l have a working knowledge

              of every square inch of this camp.

              l am at one with nature.

              Yeah , it's all right here --

              a keen sense of direction

              and a firm grasp on the throttle that controls the elements.

              Here. Have something to eat.

              Thank you . Ahh !

              Peanut butter on white bread --

              my favorite rustic outdoor food .

              [ Bird caws ]

              Ah , this is the life -- the great outdoors,

              a beautiful woman , plenty of food ,

              and fire ants.

              Fire ants?!

              Ahhh !


              Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

              [ Laughter ]

              Shh ! Whatever you do, keep a straight face.

              Ernest, the boys are here to see you .

              Hey, Ernest! You okay?

              We heard about the army of fire ants.

              Yeah , we brought you a cheer-up present. Here.

              Ah ! Thanks, fellas.

              You know, whatever they may say about you , l'm gonna say, ''Hey,

              ''you're talking about my guys,'' know what l mean?

              Go ahead , smell them , Ernest. They're good .

              Mmm .

              Notice their aromatic bouquet.

              [ Sniffing ]

              This is swell .

              This is the best get-well present l ever had , know what l mean?

              Well , we'll see you , Ernest.

              Yeah , man , we'll be seeing you .

              -- Catch you later. -- Bouquet!

              Well , thanks, fellas.

              Oh , man !

              [ Laughter ]

              Those kids are really great, aren't they?

              That's what they brought you?!

              lt's a get-well present from the boys.

              That's poison ivy, Ernest,

              and with that much coverage,

              you're gonna need another shot.

              Not again !

              Gosh !

              He was hugging it and everything .

              He said it was his best get-well present.


              l'm really disappointed in you .

              That wasn't very nice.

              l was just a joke.

              Yeah , besides, he's a jerk.

              Y-Yeah , well , we didn't mean to do anything or. . .

              Crutchfield: Yeah, we didn't mean nothing by it.

              Okay, okay, you're right.

              lt seems like the harder l try, the worse things get.

              l like the boys, but l don't think they like me.

              Mr. Tipton's chewed me out twice.

              l guess l had it coming , but it's still no fun ,

              know what l mean?

              This counselor business is harder than l thought,

              but it's what l want to do.

              Come on , Pokey, l need to talk to somebody.

              l know you're dormant and coldblooded

              and all that, but --



              Ow! Pokey!

              Ow! You heartless beast!

              Ow! Ow! [ Panting ]

              Pokey, Pokey, my sinuses!

              Pokey! Oh ! You said you'd never do this again !

              Ow! Ow!

              [ Door squeaks ]

              Heh heh heh heh heh heh .

              Hey, Ernest!

              You got a turtle on your nose, man !

              Oh , no, no, i-it's a zit.

              lt comes back every now and then . Heh heh .

              Hey, come on , fellas, we can jerk that sucker off there in just a second .

              No! No, no!

              The only way to get him off is to sing him to sleep!

              Okay, guys, come on . Okay.

              A-one, A-two, A-one, two, three.

              " Remember me and you and you and me "

              " No matter how they toss the dice, it had to be "

              " The only one for me is you and you for me "

              " So happy together "

              " So, how is the weather? "

              [ Engine rumbling ]

              [ Birds chirping ]

              [ Saw scraping , sandpaper scratching ]

              Boy: What's going on?

              [ Hammer pounding ]

              Well , look who's here. lt's the last-chance boys.

              How you doin' , guys?

              They let you guys run around loose?

              What are you makin'?

              lt looks like a skeleton or something .

              lt's a kayak, airhead ,

              and this baby's gonna win the competition

              again for us this year, pal .

              What are you guys making?

              None of your business.

              Oh , a secret project, huh?

              l wonder what that could be.

              l bet they don't have anything .

              -- We do too! -- Oh , sure you do.

              Hey, you don't know nothing about nothing , blondie, and l know that for a fact.

              Yeah , you'll see it soon enough !

              -- Yeah , when we win . -- Ooh , l'm real scared .

              That's it, man . Come on , push me, punk! Come on !

              l'll have you singing soprano!

              -- Shut up! -- Come on , Vargas.

              -- Don't tempt me. -- Come on , man .

              They don't have anything .

              Boy, what a bunch of losers.

              [ Scoffs ]

              -- Okay, guys, come on! -- " You got me climbin' "

              " Up from the bottom "

              " You got me thinkin' that we just can't lose "

              " By pullin' together "

              " We're gettin' stronger "

              " We got a second chance, and we'll break through "

              " 'Cause when you're fightin' for your life "

              " You hold on tight "

              " Don't let go till you see the light "

              " Can't stop till the race is run "

              -- Yeah! -- All right! -- " We're gonna win this one "

              -- Whoo-hoo! -- Yeah !

              You know, Moose,

              recreating your genuine lndian artifact

              is not just another handicraft. lt is a art.

              -- Ernest? -- Mm-hmm?

              Do you think if we win this contest,

              we could stay here forever

              and not have to go back to that old institute?

              [ Sighs ]

              Well , if it was up to me, Moose,

              you'd stay right here from now on .

              ls it up to you?


              l didn't think so.

              [ Gunshot ]

              [ Gunshot ]

              [ Shell clinks ]

              Well , it's no use talking to the old lndian .

              [ Gunshot ]

              [ Shell clinks ]

              l mean , the old guy can't stop talking

              about the old ways --

              spirits, this kind of voodoo mumbo jumbo.

              [ Gunshot ]

              Sherman , you don't understand .

              The old guy will not listen to reason .

              [ Shell clinks ]

              l mean , who can own a tree?

              [ Laughing ] What?

              Nothing .

              You just haven't tried hard enough .

              Money talks!

              Sherman , we could be on very shaky ground here.

              There's the old treaty --

              This is the real world ! We're playing hardball !

              You just can't be soft and polite

              and expect things to come your way!

              l got too much riding on this. . .

              and l'm not gonna let some old lndian

              throw a monkey wrench into it.

              [ Gunshot ]

              Hey, hand me that string over there, will you?


              Yeah, the inside's really starting to look nice.

              These boys have really jumped into this competition with both feet.

              They just needed something to be proud of.

              Hey, Crutch , next time l run away from the institute,

              l'm gonna build myself one of these things.

              Hey, dudes, check it out.

              Now, that's no slouch job.

              Hey, you know, we just might win this thing .

              You know, l think l might have a knack

              for this construction biz.

              [ Knife clinking ]

              [ Birds chirping ]

              Somebody give me a hand.

              Hey, l'll help you out.

              And then he thought he heard it,

              and that's when Vernon turned around

              and looked in his rear window,

              and there, staring back at him ,

              was the Hook Man !

              Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

              So, he stomped on the gas, and he tore outta there!

              And the next day, Vernon went out to get in his car,

              and there, hanging on the rearview mirror,

              was the hook!

              l thought it was supposed to be on the door handle.

              -- Ha ha. -- Yeah.

              Yeah , it was originally,

              but, uh , but then Vernon hung it on the rearview mirror,

              you know, like a souvenir, like dice and baby shoes.

              Uh-huh .

              Ah heh . Well , does anybody else, uh , have an interesting story?

              Uh , chief, uh , can you tell us a big story?

              Heh heh heh .

              [ Speaking native language ]

              l speak to the young braves

              so that they may know of the old ways.

              [ Speaking native language ]

              l speak to them so that they may know

              what this ground holds of the spirits of the past.

              [ Speaking native language ]

              When a young brave was ready to become a warrior,

              it was here that he was called

              by the wise men and the elders.

              [ Speaking native language ]

              lf he had faith in the great one,

              the knife would not cut him.

              [ Speaking native language ]

              lf he had courage, true courage,

              the rock would not break him.

              [ Speaking native language ]

              lf the brave was pure of heart,

              the arrow could not catch him.

              [ Speaking native language ]

              And then he would become a warrior,

              as someday you will.

              [ Speaking native language ]

              And that was called

              the ceremony of the blade, the stone, and the arrow.

              Like in our culture -- paper, rock, scissors.

              [ All groan ]

              [ Bird calling in distance ]

              [ Laughter ]

              Man , that sure was some rap the old chief was putting on us.

              Yeah , l wonder if that stuff is true.

              Well , you wouldn't catch me standing around

              letting some lunatic throw knives at me.


              [ Fire igniting ]

              Oh , no! That's our tepee!

              Who did this?

              Who do you think?

              Man , let's get 'em !

              Yeah , come on !

              Looks like you fellas forgot something here.

              [ Sniffs ] We wouldn't want you to get thirsty,

              now, would we, fellas?

              So we come to repay the favor.

              [ lndistinct shouting , fighting ]

              Mr. Tipton: Your boys are out of control.

              l mean, this last fight, it was the last straw.

              l've got other campers l've got to think about here.

              l think it's best for all concerned

              if we just send them all back to the institution ,

              where they can get the supervision they need .

              Don't do it, sir.

              Ernest, it's not really your fault. lt's my fault.

              l thought you could do it. l was wrong .

              But it's not fair to send them back.

              lt's not their fault. Maybe l was a bad counselor.

              They shouldn't have to suffer for that.

              Look, if you give the second-chance boys another chance

              and me another chance, that'll be three chances,

              and added to the two chances we had before, that makes. . .

              five or six chances -- carry the one --

              Okay, Ernest, one more chance.

              l'll let the boys stay,

              but they better get with the program . . .

              you know what l mean?

              Oh , l know what you mean . Yes, sir. Thank you .

              [ Speaking Japanese ] Thank you .

              They were all set

              to send you boys back to the institute,

              when you-know-who stepped in and saved the day.

              See? l told you he wasn't such a dork.

              But they burned it, Ernest.

              One monkey don't stop no show.

              We can still win this thing .

              Aw, come on , Ernest, what's the point?

              The point is to do your best always,

              to always give it your best shot,

              [ Deep voice ] to boldly go where no man has gone before.

              [ Normal voice ] lt's the path of the brave.

              Well , l don't know about you guys,

              but l'm not gonna let 'em put me down .

              l'm gonna build this thing over.

              Hey, yeah, guys, he's right.

              Come on , let's go.

              Ernest, it's a lead-pipe city.

              Yeah .

               [ Vehicle approaches ]

                [ Brakes squeak, engine stops ]

                [ Car door closes ]

                Mr. Wind Cloud . . .

                Ah , this looks like a museum .

                Ha ha ha! l can feel the history here.

                Mr. Wind Cloud , l am Sherman Krader,

                Krader Mining Corporation .

                My attorney, Mr. Blatz, has conveyed to you my very --

                [ Birds chirping ]

                My attorney, Mr. Blatz,

                has conveyed to you my very generous offer

                to obtain a lease on a portion of land that you ,

                as one of the last members of your tribe, control .

                l'll -- and l'm here to double that offer.

                l know it's not very fair to me,

                but, um , l realize there's a lot

                of sentimental attachment here,

                and l'm prepared to offer you

                a    % royalty on all the petrocite

                that we can mine out of the Kikakee area --    % !

                Mr. Wind Cloud . . .

                Mr. Wind Cloud , l don't think you understand .

                Now, you'd be a fool not to sign this paper.

                Mr. Wind Cloud , you have to sign this paper!

                lt's your patriotic duty!

                [ Pen clicks ]

                Do you understand a word l've been saying?

                Uh , chief. . .

                your canoe is in the river.

                Oh , l'm sorry.

                l didn't know you had company.

                [ Speaking native language ]

                Excuse me.

                l'm , uh , Bob Wilson -- maybe you could help me --

                Department of, uh , Soils and Water Conservation .

                Um , l'm having a little problem communicating

                with , uh , Mr. Wind Cloud here.

                You see, there's a -- there's, um , a strip-mining company

                on the upper part of the river.

                l'm getting all the landowners here

                to sign this petition to stop their activities

                before they completely ruin the river.

                Now, maybe you can [Laughs] ''talk'' to him .

                Ha ha ha.

                And get him to sign this.

                Communicating with your Native-American cultures

                is a specialty of mine.

                l'm bilingual .

                lt's a difficult skill ,

                but one which l acquired after years of study.

                Mister, you have come to the right man .

                No problemo. Comprendo, deja vu?

                Yes, l do. Yeah . Thank you .

                [ Speaks native language ]

                This is a sad day for Kamp Kikakee.

                l've got here a signed order

                that says the camp's got to close.

                Oh , man .


                l'm sorry, fellas.

                We're gonna have to pack and leave.

                What's happened?

                This doesn't make any sense.

                The chief has signed away control of the land

                to Krader Mining Company.

                [ Sighs ] Krader takes over the day after tomorrow.

                They're gonna move in their heavy equipment,

                and they are going to destroy everything around here

                looking for some mineral.

                l'm sorry, guys.

                l'm sorry this happened.

                Somebody had to. . . [ Sighs ]

                . . .fast-talk the chief into signing .

                Ohhh .

                Uh . [ Sighs ]

                Okay, guys, let's get packed up. We got to get out of here.

                There are only two people here

                who can communicate with grandfather.

                l-lt's all a great big misunderstanding .

                l'll fix it up, know what l mean?

                l'll fix it. You'll see.

                [ Brakes squeak ]

                Man , this is such a major bummer.

                What are we gonna do?

                Go back to the institution . What else?

                l was gettin' to like it here.

                Hey, l ain't goin' back to no institution.

                -- Me neither. -- No way.

                Nobody's gonna have to go anywhere.

                l knew you'd think of something , Ernest.

                You've got a plan?

                Yep. l'm gonna settle this lease thing once and for all .

                Yeah , settle it, Ernest.

                Yeah , this l want to see.

                Course, l might have to jack a few jaws,

                pass out a couple of knuckle sandwiches.

                All right! Now you're talking!

                -- Come on , fellas. Let's watch the man work. -- Yeah .

                [ Bed squeaks ]

                See these hands, huh? Huh? Huh? You see 'em?

                lf l put these hands in my pockets,

                l will be arrested for carrying concealed deadly weapons,

                know what l mean?

                -- Whoa! -- Whoa! -- Whoa!

                -- Yeah ! -- Yeah !

                Go! Whoo!

                [ Jackhammer pounds ]

                [ Brakes squeak ]

                l want to talk to the punk

                who is responsible for the actions of this company.


                Ah heh . Ohhh .

                Ah heh heh heh heh .


                Ah heh heh heh heh heh heh heh .

                Come on, Ernest.

                Destroy the evil vigilance!

                Come on , Ernest!

                You got him ! You got him ! He's not that big .

                Jack his jaw, Ernest.

                Yeah ! Turn out his lights!

                Oh , l don't know.

                l-l think his jaw looks pretty well jacked .

                Real nice. Ah heh heh heh heh .

                Nice hat, too. Heh heh heh heh .

                Uhh !

                Come on , Ernest! Get up!

                -- Come on ! Come on ! -- Let's go, man !

                [ Men cheering ]

                lf he comes over here and bothers us again ,

                l'm gonna give him one of these over here

                and one of those over there.

                -- Ha ha ha ha! -- [ Whack, thud ]

                What are you doing?!


                Ha ha ha ha!

                [ Crunch ]

                No! Let me go!

                Aaahh !

                -- Moose, get back here! -- Aw, man !

                All right, come on, Ernest! Get up!

                You okay, son?

                You can do it!

                Come on!

                Uh !

                Uh !

                Uh !

                [ lndistinct talking ]

                Uh !

                Ha ha!

                Get up, man ! Get up!

                Get off the ground, man.

                Ha ha ha ha!

                Uh .

                Ohh !

                [ Men cheering ]

                [ Thud ]

                He's all over with .

                Ha ha ha ha!

                Give me a hand over here, bud .

                Let's get this laid out.

                l guess there ain't much to Ernest.

                Yeah, he ain't nothin'.

                Jack his jaw, Ernest.

                That's a bunch of bull .

                [ Exhales deeply ]

                [ Breathing heavily ]

                l believe in you , Ernest.

                But there's just some things you can't do nothin' about.

                [ Sighs deeply ]

                l had the first two or three of them

                right where l wanted 'em .

                And then the others jumped me.

                That was a brave thing you did , Ernest.

                Almost makes up for the dumb thing you did with granddad .

                l wish l could have been there.

                lt wasn't a place for women .

                The damage done there tonight was not a pretty sight.

                Ernest ''The Hammer'' Worrell ,

                warrior of the sacred land of our fathers --

                or your fathers.

                l could have. . . l had them . . .

                [ Crying ]

                This place. . . and these kids. . .

                lt's everything to me.

                l was a counselor.

                l had everything.

                And now it's all gone.

                [ Crying ]

                [ Thunder rumbles ]

                [ Rain falling ]

                " Gee, l'm glad it's raining "

                " There's always somethin' to be thankful for "

                " l'm awfully glad it's raining "

                " 'Cause no one sees your teardrops when it pours "

                " And no one knows the thunder "

                " ls your heartbreak in disguise "

                " They think the rainy night's "

                " What put that sad look in your eyes "

                " Sure, l'm glad it's raining "

                " The gentle rhythm soothes the pain inside "

                " l'm glad the stars aren't shinin' "

                " A wounded warrior needs a place to hide "

                " l thought l had found someone l could count on "

                " Till the end "

                " What they wanted was a hero "

                " All l needed was a friend "

                " Gee, l'm glad it's raining "

                " l hope the mornin' sun won't come up soon "

                " As long as it keeps raining "

                " No one knows my heart broke right in two "

                " l thought l had found someone l could count on "

                " Till the end "

                " What they wanted was a hero "

                " All l needed was a friend "

                " Sure, l'm glad it's raining "

                " l'm awfully glad it's raining "

                [ Birds chirping ]

                What are you boys doing here?

                You should have gone with the others.

                We ain't going back. [ Knife clicks ]

                You can't stay here.

                They're going to wipe out this whole area soon .

                Where's Ernest?

                Probably packing his stuff.

                He's dumber than a bucket full of hair, ain't he?

                You know what dumb is?

                Dumb is not knowing who your friends are.

                Ernest is the only person in the world

                who cared about you .

                He tried to help you.

                He stood up for you

                when nobody else in the world even wanted to know you.

                Ernest is losing everything he cares about --

                his home, his job, everything .

                And all you can think about is what you want.

                [ Sighs ]


                You're not gonna leave, are you , Ernest?

                Yeah . [ Sighs ] No more Counselor Ernest.

                No more shaping and molding young minds

                into a focused worldview.

                No more Kamp Kikakee.

                Ernest, uh , we've been thinking .

                Yeah .

                We ain't got much of a chance, but we got a plan .

                lf we stop those miners,

                then there will be a Kamp Kikakee.

                Boys, we can't stop those miners.

                Look what they did to me,

                and that was just one of 'em .

                Come on , Ernest.

                That don't sound like no path of the brave to me.

                l don't wanna go back to no institution .

                l wanna stay right here with you .

                Yeah, me too.

                We all do, Ernest.

                Yeah , come on , Ernest.

                Come on . We can get 'em .

                Hey, it's the path of the brave.

                Come on. We can get 'em.

                Let's go for it.

                We can do it, Ernest.

                You know what l think?

                l think we might just could beat 'em .

                -- All right! -- All right! -- All right!

                And run 'em off this land .

                -- Yeah! -- Yeah! -- Yeah!

                Yeah . l think we might just get a little bit rowdy.

                [ Boys cheering ]

                And it might be an ugly thing to watch .

                -- Whoa! -- Yeah !

                We got a plan?

                -- Yeah ! -- Yeah !

                Me for you !

                -- And you for me! -- And you for me!

                " Me and you "

                " We're gonna make it together "

                " Others may fail, we say never "

                " 'Cause we've got the will and the power to survive "

                " And now we're united with one voice "

                " We're free on the path like a wild horse "

                " Those who would stand in our way will step aside "

                " When l have you here beside me "

                " l know the dream we share will guide me "

                " Like an arrow straight to the mark "

                " Brave hearts "

                " Fighting for the rights of all the dreamers "

                " Brave hearts "

                " You and me -- we are the true believers "

                " Brave hearts "

                Yeah ! Let's go!

                -- All right! All right! Whoo-hoo!

                Yeah, we're gonna get those guys!

                -- Yeah ! -- We're gonna kill 'em .

                Oh , yeah .

                We are out of hydraulics.

                Hey, look, it's Ken and Barbie.

                What are you jerks doin' here?

                l thought you ran away with the others.

                l think they missed us.

                We wouldn't want you guys to have to get in a fight without us.

                [ Birds chirping ]

                Come on .

                [ lndistinct conversations ]

                Eddie, that's. . . that's enough .

                Come on , Eddie.

                [ Engine stops ]

                [ lndistinct, distant conversations ]

                [ Birds chirping ]

                [ Whirring ]

                Jake, ammo.

                Fix this linguini . . .

                With broken clam shells.

                [ Sniffs ] Good .

                [ Singing in native language ]

                Grandfather. . . you can't do this!

                [ Singing continues ]

                These are children !

                Ernest, are you crazy? Those are grown men out there.

                You don't stand a chance.

                They ain't gonna get this camp.

                We can't win this fight without legal help.

                They ain't gonna get this camp.

                [ Engine turns over ]

                Okay. Bobby Wayne, Crutchfield ,

                you go this way with the multibow.


                Vargas, Danny, you take the split.

                Moose, you come with me to the lantern launcher.

                [ lndistinct conversations ]


                [ Tarzan yells ]

                [ Needle scratches ]

                [ Horn honks ]

                [ Man burps ]

                [ Elephant trumpets ]

                [ Cat meows ]

                -- [ Bird cuckoos ] -- What's goin' on here?

                [ Snaps ]

                [ War cry ]

                [ Wind whistling , snaps ]


                -- Whoa! -- Fire!

                [ lndistinct yelling ]

                [ Dinging ]

                Wuh ! Oh !

                Oh !

                Ha ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha!

                Ha ha! Ha ha!

                -- [ Ding ] -- Ow!

                -- [ Ding ] -- Ohh !

                -- [ Ding ] -- Ohh !

                -- [ Ding ] -- Ohh !

                Uh !


                All right.

                Okay, men , battle stations.

                Ozgood , man the controls. Crutchfield , crow's-nest.

                Bobby Wayne, look, upstairs.

                Danny, Vargas, you operate the crane.

                [ Grunts ]

                [ Men yelling indistinctly ]

                    yards,    degrees to the right!

                [ Creaking ]

                Where we got it! lt's ready!


                     by  . .


                [ Winds dial ]

                -- Whoa! -- Whoa! -- Whoa!

                -- Yeah ! -- Yeah ! -- Yeah !

                Bring me the graham cracker bouillabaisse.

                Graham cracker.

                [ High-pitched voice ] No, no, not me.

                [ Normal voice ] Oh , yeah , you .

                [ High-pitched voice ] Me too?

                [ Normal voice ] Oh , yeah . One more time.

                Ready. Ready.

                -- Fire! -- [ Dinging ]

                Ahh !


                Ha ha ha!


                You guys got your little chutes packed .

                Death from above. That's good .

                      by      .

                l'm scared , sarge.

                We're all scared , son .

                Okay. Ready?


                [ Winds dial ]

                [ ''Flight Of The Valkyries'' by Wagner plays ]


                Aahhh !

                [ ''Happy Together'' by The Turtles plays ]

                [ lndistinct yelling ]

                Ah ! Ah ! Ah ! Ah !

                Ah !

                [ Gasps ] Ah ! No!

                Aaahhh !

                Yeah !

                [ Cheers ]

                Let's get outta here!

                Wait! Ahhhh !

                [ Men yelling indistinctly ]



                lt's ablaze!


                [ Winds dial ]


                [ Both laughing ]

                Mr. Krader! M-Mr. Krader, come in !

                What the hell's going on down there?

                We're under attack!


                Turtle paratroopers have taken out the whole crew.

                Turtle what?!

                Mr. Krader, the whole camp's a shambles!

                Those kids and that counselor

                have set fire to every piece of equipment we had!

                lt's all burning!

                Okay. That did it.

                We'll start filing the papers in the morning .

                What are you doing?

                l'm putting an end to all this.

                Sherman , you can't be serious.

                Shut up, Blatz.

                Sherman , you've carried this way too far.

                Now, let's cut our losses and seek legal satisfaction .

                This isn't business any longer.

                This is personal !

                Sherman , you are crazy.

                [ Engine turns over ]

                [ Men yelling indistinctly ]

                Yes, sir!

                Okay. Come on , fellas. Let's get outta here.

                Yeah! Let's get out!

                Let's get those guys! Let's go!

                [ Boys cheering ]

                [ Beeping ]

                [ Beeping ]

                -- Ahhhhhhh ! -- [ Beeping ]

                Dozer,   :   Jake!

                We're gonna be Jake and Eddie Tartare.


                Ha ha ha ha ha!

                Ahhhhh ! My thighs are on fire!


                Ahhhh !

                Serpentine! Serpentine!

                Jake, they're gonna crush us!

                Hey, Eddie, turn it around .

                Let's give him another balling .

                Turn it around by myself? Jake, l need help.

                There's no time for help!

                We can't let it go, Jake.

                Come on , Eddie.


                Come on!

                [ Crying ]

                [ Crying ] Oh , Jake.

                [ Boys cheering ]

                [ ''Happy Together'' by The Turtles plays ]

                Hey! Hey!

                Ha ha ha ha ha!

                [ Growling ]

                Ha ha ha ha ha!

                [ Gasps ]

                Ha ha ha ha!

                [ Engine rumbling ]

                [ Engine stops ]

                Hey, fellas, follow me. l-l got an idea.

                Come on.

                Go! Go!

                So what do we do?

                Get anything that'll burn .

                Let's go!

                [ Glass breaking , metal rattling ]

                Man , this ain't enough .

                We still don't have a chance!

                Stand back!

                l got it! l got it!

                [ Deep voice ] The most powerful substance known to man --

                eggs erroneous, experimental series     .

                Light it, Pennington .

                What are you doin' , man? What are you doin' , Ernest?

                After the break, know what l mean?

                Let him go, man! lt's our only chance!

                -- Yeah ! -- Yeah ! -- Yeah !

                [ Cheers ]

                [ All cheering ]

                [ Groaning ]

                [ Cheering ]

                Heh heh heh heh .

                That's it.

                lt's over.

                Dead meat. Deep six.

                The groundhogs are bringing their mail .

                [ Brakes squeak ]

                He's got a gun!

                Hurry up, you guys.

                Come on .

                Look out, Ernest! Get outta the way!

                Miss St. Cloud: lf he had faith in the great one,

                the knife would not cut him.

                [ Gunshot ]

                He missed . l can't believe he missed .

                [ Drums beating , chanting ]

                Miss St. Cloud: lf he had courage, true courage, the rock would not break him.

                [ Gunshot ]

                Heh heh heh heh .

                Heh heh heh heh heh heh .

                [ Drumming continues ]

                Miss St. Cloud: lf the brave was pure of heart, the arrow could not catch him.

                [ Gunshot ]

                [ Drumming and chanting continue ]

                Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh .

                [ Drumming and chanting continue ]

                Paper, rock, scissors. Heh heh .

                lt looks like this one's out of your hands, Krader.

                Heh-heh heh-heh heh heh .

                [ Cheering ]

                [ Sirens wail ]

                We got it! We got it!

                The judge issued a restraining order!

                [ Cheering ]

                " Me and you and you and me "

                " No matter how they toss the dice "

                " lt had to be "

                " The only one for me is you and you for me "

                " So happy together... "

                Ernest. . .

                Guess what?

                Krader's attorney admitted that they tricked my grandfather,

                so everything is behind us now.

                Yep, and my boys don't have to go back to the institute,

                and this camp has a year-round counselor.

                l'm really proud of you , Ernest.

                You did what nobody else could have done.

                Yep, l guess l'm just a take-charge kind of guy,

                a man of vision and of scopes, know what l mean?

                Ah heh heh heh heh heh .

                Ah heh . Uh ! Ah-ah ! Ah ! Ahhhhhhh !

                Rope's a little loose.

                [ Creaking ]

                Uh ! Ahhhhhh !

                [ Thud ]

                What happened?

                Well . . .at least nobody was hurt.

                " Me and you "

                " We're gonna make it together "

                " Others may fail, we say never "

                " 'Cause we've got the will and the power to survive "

                " And now we're united with one voice "

                " We're free on the path like a wild horse "

                " Those who would stand in our way will step aside "


                The aroma. . .

                l-l've done it.

                T-This is the quintessential eggs erroneous.

                Someone's gotta taste this.


                Eddie, taste this.

                lt's eggs erroneous. lt's perfect.

                lt's what we've been waiting for!

                Not me!


                Try it.

                [ Eddie groaning ]

                [ Creaking , cracking ]

                " Quando condo "

                " When will you come to my condo? "

                " Quando condo "

                " When l have you here beside me "

                " l know the dream we share will guide me "

                " Like an arrow straight to the mark "

                " Brave hearts "

                " Fighting for the rights of all the dreamers "

                " Brave hearts "

                " You and me -- we are the true believers "

                " Brave hearts "

                " You know time cuts like a knife through emotion "

                " Hearts made of stone will break in two "

                " Miracles happen to those who will believe "

                " The past is only a shadow behind us "

                " The future ahead, a sacred trust "

                " This is the moment that love must take the lead "

                " When l have you here beside me "

                " l know the dream we share will guide me "

                " Like an arrow straight to the mark "

                " Brave hearts "

                " Fighting for the rights of all the dreamers "

                " Brave hearts "

                " You and me -- we are the true believers "

                " Brave hearts "




Special help by SergeiK