Ernest Saves Christmas Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Ernest Saves Christmas script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Jim Varney movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Ernest Saves Christmas. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Ernest Saves Christmas Script

          "Deck the hall with boughs ofholly "

          "Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la "

          " 'Tis the season to bejolly "

           "Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la "

            "Don we now our gay apparel "

            "Fa-la-la, la-la-la la-la-la "

            " Troll the ancient yuletide carol "

            "Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la ""

            "Here we come a-wassailing "

            "Among the leaves so green "

            "Here we come a-wandering "

            "So fair to be seen "

            "Love andjoy come to you "

            "And to you,your wassail, too "

            "And God bless you "

            "And send you a happy new year "

            "And God send you a happy new year "

            " God bless the master of this house "

            "Likewise, the mistress too "

            "And all the little children "

            " That 'round the table go "

            "Love andjoy come to you "

            "And to you,your wassail, too "

            "And God bless you "

            "And send you a happy new year "

            "And God send you a happy new year ""

            " Oh, Christmas tree "

            " Oh, Christmas tree "

            " Thou tree most fair and lovely "

            " Oh, Christmas tree "

            " Oh, Christmas tree "

            " Thou tree most fair and lovely "

            "A sign of peace at Christmastime "

            "Spreads hope and gladness far and wide "

            " Oh, Christmas tree "

            " Oh, Christmas tree "

            " Thou tree most fair and lovely ""

            - First time in Orlando? - Oh, no.

            I fly in once a year.

            Of course, I usually come in a different way.

            - Where are you from? - Up north.

            Me, too. Toronto.


            - What line of work are you in? - Toys, mostly.

            No fooling? You been in it long?

            - Longer than you can imagine. - I hear that.

            Priscilla, come back here.

            You here on business?

            I'm here to appoint a replacement;

            someone to take over my duties.

            Unfortunately, a person with the right qualifications...

            is difficult to find.

            Well, it's a smart cookie...

            that knows when to hang up the old cleats.

            Oh, it's time.

            I'm afraid I really should have done this last year.

            I don't think I've quite...

            got the magic for another trip.

            That's how I feel every time they send me to Pittsburgh.

            You know, there was a time when I could remember...

            every name on my list.

            - A lot of contacts? - Oh, all over the world.

            Now I have trouble recalling...

            who was naughty and who was nice;

            who asked for a toy truck,

            and who wanted a bicycle.

            Sounds like a database problem.

            [Jingle ]

            [ Ernest ] " Oh, Christmas tree "

            " Oh, Christmas tree "

            " Oh, Christmas tree Oh, Christmas tree "

            " Oh, Christmas tree Oh, Christmas tree "

            " Oh, Christmas tree Oh, Christmas tree "

            " Oh, Christmas tree-- "

            Hey, buddy, hurry up.! I gotta get to the airport.

            Don't worry, mister. We'll make that plane.

            I have lived my life in the fast lane.

            I have an almost supernatural feel...

            for the road beneath my tires.

            - Ha, ha! Thrill driver! - [ Tires Screech ]

            [ Ernest ] Reminds me of my old days...

            on the ''figure- ''track.

            ''In car   it's Ernest P. Worrell, the screamin'demon.!

            He's going for his second track record tonight.!''


            [ Tires Screech ]



            - [ Tires Screech ] - Hey, mister.! Mister.!

            I told him about that seat belt.

            Hey mister, you can't get out here!

            Fun is fun, but you've got a plane to catch!

            [ Grunts ]

            Nice bag. Gucci?

            Gunny! Get it?

            Next in line.

            I hate this job.

            Is something wrong?

            Is this your real name?

            It's the name I'm known by, yes.


            Why not?

             Thanks, Skippy.

              [ Ernest ] We'll catch that plane, mister.

              We'll make it. Don't worry.

              [ Ernest ] We'll be airborne before you know it.

              [ Rewing Engine ]


              [ Crunch ]


              Touch down.!

              - [ Shouting ] - It's not my fault!

              Well sir, I think we made it.

              You're gonna make that flight after all.

              Come on, mister,

              this is no time to take a nap.

              You're gonna miss your flight.

              [ Shouting ]

              Yes, sir, when it comes to driving skills,

              nobody can beat Ernest P. Worrell.

              [ Rip-pp ]


              Here. Fold this up. Kick some of these in here.

              Yes, sir, curb to counter.

              It's him!

              Just a little extra service us independents have to do...

              to keep up with the big guys.

              - Whoa! - You forgot your carry-on.

              Here, you'll need a jacket.

              [ Shouting ]

              You'd better take this other suitcase.

              Have a nice day!

              [ Shouting ]

              What a place.

              Christmastime, and it's    degrees.

              Yes, I'm used to a colder climate myself.

              You know what I'd really like for Christmas?

              - Snow. - Snow?

              I could have sworn you wanted a CD player.

              - I'd better make a note of that. - [ Car Horn ]

              There's my wife. I've got to go.

              Are you going to be okay? It was nice meeting you.

              I've made a note about that snow.


              Mister, I'm a taxi.

              Here, you got one.

              I'll take those.

              [ Shouting ]

              Where to?

              Orlando Children's Museum.

              [ Tires Screech ]

              Hey, come back here!

              Ha! Ha!

              Bobby, we've got   crates on hold,

              and they've got to be picked up on the    th.

              I can't believe it!

              Who in their right mind...

              would be working on the    th?

              That's Christmas eve.

              I'll tell you who.

              ''We'' who, that's who.

              Rain, sleet, hail, the Super Bowl,

              the  th ofJuly.

              Bobby, if it weren't for us,

              - this airline would never get off the ground. - [ Crunch ]

              Ain't that right, Bobby?

              I guess if you want things done right,

              you gotta do it yourself.

              [ Groan ]

              Yo, Bob!

              Break's over.

              [ Groan ]

              Sun gettin' to you?

              Yes, it's not as bright at night.

              I'm usually here at night.

              Here you go. I always keep an extra pair.

              Oh, thank you, Ernest.

              You know, I don't want to insult you or nothin',

              - but do you know who you remind me of?. - Santa Claus?

              I guess you hear that a lot.

              Oh,yes. But then, it's to be expected.

              Because you look like him?

              Because I am him.

              Because you ''am'' him.

              Well, how about that?


              [ Humming ]

              Ahhh. Smell those Christmas trees.

              [ Ernest ] You can keep your ''Channel''Number  .

              Just give me a whiff of the old lonesome pine,;

              that symbol of brotherly love,

              that centerpiece that all mankind gathers around...

              to share the cranberry sauce shaped like a can.


              Whoa, little tree!

              Stay calm, Tannenbaum, I'll get you out of this.

              - Whoa! - [ Tires Screech ]

              [ Ernest ] Even in emergency situations,

              always follow safe driving rules.

              You'll notice that I am using my emergency signal indicators,

              - [ Crunch ] - when in reverse.

              Ha! Ha!

              [ Brakes Squeal ]


              [ Brakes Squeal ]

              Open up!

              Here, hold this a minute.

              [ Crash ]

              [ Ernest ] They really bunch up at this exit.

              Know what I mean?

              I take it you really needed a tree?

              No, I've already got one,

              but I've got a friend who could use it.

              Besides, it'd be a shame for it to be alone on Christmas.

              It's nice to find somebody...

              with such devotion to Christmas.

              You know, I don't tell many people this,

              but Christmas is just about my favorite time.

              Ever since I was a little kid,

              I always felt like it was my own personal holiday.

              I'm at one with the yuletide. Know what I mean?

              I know exactly what you mean.

              I even memorized the names of all the reindeer,

              like ''Donder'' and ''Blister.''

              That's ''Blitzen.''

              It says, ''Hold for pickup by--''

              Is that an ''M''?


              - Right here. That's an ''M.'' - ''V.''

              - ''M.'' - ''V.''

              - ''M, M, M.'' - ''V, V, V.''

              That is an ''M.''

              ''Hold for Helper Elmes.''

              This is probably Amish.

              It could even be Quaker.

              Only thing I know is that it's French.


              Okay, Bobby, I need you to go on back to work.

              See you. Talk to you later.

              [ Rumble ]

              [ Santa ] Did you ever hear of a man...

              named Joe Carruthers?

              It don't ring a bell. Should I have?

              ''UncleJoey's Tree House?''

              UncleJoey? Are you kidding?

              " They never get old "

              " They always stay new "

              " Those   little words ''please'' and ''thank you'' ""

              - Hey. - Hey!

              I haven't seen that show in years.

              Is he still on the air?

              Well, he was until   weeks ago,

              and then it was canceled.

              Well, by now he must be rolling in mucho dinero.

              Well, you don't get rich by doing...

              a once-a-week children's program on local TV.

              You've got to do it for other reasons.

              And that's why I'm here.

              Hey, hey!

              Hey, hold it!

              - You forgot something. - Take it easy, mister.

              It's not me. It's my brother.

              He does this all the time.

              We go out. He says he has the money, and then we eat.

              Then he goes to the bathroom and sneaks out.

              When the check comes, I'm left with no money...

              and this stupid look on my face.

              Please, mister, just let me go this time.

              You expect me to believe that?

              I swear it's true. Look!

              There's my brother now. There he is!

              Hey, Tommy!


              [ Ding, Ding ]



              [ Brakes Screech ]

              Please, mister, go, go, go!


              [ Ding, Ding ]


              That was my mean uncle.

              He makes me work in that restaurant like a slave.

              He keeps me locked up in the basement...

              with rats and filth, and I just escaped.

              Please don't let him get me, okay?

              [ As John Wayne ] Well, not to worry, little lady.

              You're safe with us.


              I'm Harmony Starr.

              Remember that name, because I'll be famous someday.

              This is Ernest, and I'm Santa Claus.


              No, no.

              Not really.

              [ Children's Voices ]

              [ Click ]

              That'll be $   .  .

              There you go.

              - Hey, this ain't real. - What?

              This bill carries the likeness of one...

              ''Mr. Funtime.''


              Really, I don't have much use for currency,

              but I do like to have a little around.

              Just, you know, in case.

              Oh, my. Oh, my goodness.

              Last year,

              a  -year-old wanted...

              a ''Mr. Funtime'' Grocery Store.

              I included a large amount of...

              play money.

              I suppose I must have mixed it up.


              What we've got here...

              is a failure to ''accumulate.''

              [ Sigh ]

              What the heck. It's on the house.

              - Merry Christmas, old buddy. - Thank you, too, old buddy!

              [ Indistinct Conversation ]

              Oh, right through there, dear.

              Ahem. Excuse me.

              I'm looking for a man named Joseph Carruthers.

              I'm the greatest.


              Me too, me too!


              For millions of years,

              dinosaurs ruled the Earth.

              - Roar. - Roar.

              Hey, don't do that!

              Then, something really strange happened.

              Uh-oh, it's the ice age!

              Oh, no, I don't feel too good.


              He's a wonderful man.

              We're so lucky to have him with us.

              You don't need to tell me. I've watched him for years.

              Yes, well, he's been such a help here,

              and the children just love him.

              I hope he gets something going for himself soon.

              Oh, I imagine he'll have his hands full very shortly.

              That's why we don't see dinosaurs around anymore.

              Hey, listen.

              I want to thank all you kids for coming to see me today.

              Why do I say ''thank you''?

              Because they never seem old,

              they always seem new,

              those   little words,

              ''please'' and ''thank you.''

              "Jingle bells, checkbook swells "

              " Big deals on the way ""

              Hey, babe, park it in the shade. What do you say? All right.

              Come along, children.

              Be careful now.

              Come on boys, quickly.


              You can go in now.


              This is indeed a pleasure.

              Hello. Do I know you?

              - Yes, you do. - I do?

              What I'm going to tell you may sound fantastic,

              but please suspend disbelief...

              until I've gotten through it.

              Your name was originally on a list...

              with several hundred others.

              Slowly, for one reason or another,

              the other names were eliminated.

              The process took longer than I thought.

              But now, I'm sure...

              I have the right man for the job.

              Job? What job?

              I mean, what is this all about?

              Joe, you are going to be the new--

              Excuse me, pop. This is it,Joey.

              The hand of fate is reaching out to you.

              I know how broken up you are about your show being bounced,

              but you've got a shot for the lead in a movie.

              What's the movie about?

              A holiday flick called ''Christmas Sleigh.''

              Blake Farrell had the lead.

              At the last minute, he goes skiing, falls on his puss,

              and wrecks up a $     nose job.

              Do you love it? I love it, yes.

              Talk about luck, right?

              The interview is in a couple ofhours.

              I want you to tint your hair and lose the beard.

              No,Joe, no!

              Don't go looking like him. You're set with my hairstylist.

              Derek can make a hair blower do everything except sit up and bark.

              But your beard is wonderful!

              Thanks. I think so too, Marty.

              Who is this guy? Already, I don't like him.

              - My name is Sant-- - Excuse me, Mr. Santos.

              We're having a conversation. May we continue, please?

              S'il vous plait. Thank you so much.

              My goodness, my sack!

              I can't believe I left it.

              I must really be slipping.

              You're always pulling this stuff, Ernest,;

              knocking down the meters,

              giving free rides to every hobo you come across.

              [ Ernest ] But Mr. Dillis, this wasn'tjust a hobo.

              This guy was different.

              Call it clairvoyance,

              call it ''extra-sensitory perspiration.''

              I just had this hunch.

              I am not running a charity operation here.

              This is a business, and we're supposed to make money,

              and good samaritans like you don't make money!

              I've had it with you, Ernest.

              You're fired!

              Ernest, it was a dead-end job, anyway.

              I mean, it's nowhere working for a guy like that.

              If there hadn't been children present,

              it would have been a very ugly scene indeed.

              Know what I mean?

              Hey, take this with you!

              [Jingle ]

              Why didn't you just tell him you were robbed?

              This could have all been avoided if you'd just lied.

              Merry Christmas.!


              Ernest, you are in serious need of help.


              - Wait a minute. Stand fast, Bobby. - [ Scratch, Scratch ]

              I think I hear something.

              [ Crunch ]


              [ Whoosh ]

              Do you remember anything about the cab,

              beside the fact that it was yellow?

              No ''Worrell'' at City Cab.

              I can try Metro.

              I kept track of him until he was     or so;

              Ernest, I mean.

              What a good boy.

              Not very bright.

              He grew up with this guy.

              I think his name was Vern.

              What is with you and this rummy?

              You've already blown your appointment with Derek.

              He's a nice old man. He seems a little confused.

              I think we can take a little time to help him out.

              All right, all right.

              Head on over there.

              I'll help Mr. Whiskers find his whatever-it-is,

              and meet you at the studio.

              Mr. Santos, listen, I'm sorry,

              but I have an appointment I really have to keep.

              Marty will take care of you.

              But,Joe, really need to talk to you.

              [ Marty ] Yes,yes,yes, whatever it is, Mr. Santos,

              you can tell me. I'm Marty Brock,Joe's agent.

              So, Mr. Santos, do you live around here?

              No. I have to go and find Joe. Excuse me.

              Do you have any family, any friends, any money?

              I had some U.S. currency; rather a large amount.

              I gave it away last year...

              to a  -year-old named Bobby Bidderman.

              What about now, Mr. Santos?

              The name is Santa Claus.


              Why don't you just stay right here...

              and I'll take care of everything.




              Such a nice man.

              [ Ernest ] Vern, what a guy.

              Yeah, me and Vern go back a long way.

              We spend the holidays together.

              I help him work on his house and stufflike that.

              Me and old Vern are tighter than stretched duct tape.

              I guess you could say we're cut from the same bark.

              Old Vern's done pretty good for himself, though.

              If it weren't for me, he wouldn't be where he is today.

              I taught him all he knows about nuclear physics.

              Know what I mean?

              Yeah, Vern's always happy to see me.

              He's my best buddy, and he throws the greatest parties.

              Course, we're a little early, so we can help him decorate,

              and maybe put out the food.

              Those little finger sandwiches,

              and cheeseballs, and bean dip!

              I hope he's got something I can eat,

              not just lots of things made of white sugar and red meat.

              I think eating red meat makes people overly aggressive.

              They kill people and stuff.

              Know what I mean?

              You're as right as rain, puddin'.

              Pork's my meat.

              Ho, ho, ho, Vern! Merry Christm--

              I thought you said this Vern was a friend of yours.

              Vern's just like that.

              He'll do anything for a laugh.

              Come on.

              - It's Santa's little party helper! - Hi!

              - This is Harmony. - [ Crack ]

              She's been having a tough time, so I'm helping her out.

              You know, kind of a ''father image'' thing.

              ''As the twig is bent, so grows the tree.''

              Know what I mean?

              It'll look good right over here.

              [ Harmony ] Nice place. It's really you.

              Yep, I'll just set it right in there.

              [ Crunch ]



              Don't worry, Vern, I'll make it fit.

              [ Creak, Creak ]


              Just hang some tinsel and lights on this puppy--


              Party punch.

              Yeah, that ought to hold.

              [ Tree Creaks ]

              [ Slurp ]


              - Superb. - [ Crack ]

              [ Crunch ]

              I've got to find Joe.

              If I don't find him,

              so many children will be disappointed.

              Officer, you've got to let me go.

              Do you really think that was necessary?

              He seemed so harmless,

              and in a strange way, sincere.

              Come on. He's obviously disoriented.

              A transient, walking around with play money in his pocket,

              pretending to be Santa Claus.

              Is that who he thinks he is?

              His real name is Santos.

              He got fired.

              Some crazy old guy stiffed him for a $   cab ride,

              and instead of calling the cops,

              Bobo here knocked down the meter.

              Are those bacon cheeseburgers?

              Vern, it ain't like the cab company can't afford...

              to give somebody a free ride every now and then.

              And after all, Vern, it's Christmastime.

              It's a time for giving.

              [ Rip ]

              A time for chestnuts opening on a roasted fire.

              [ Rip ]

              A time for sleigh bells tinkling in the snow.


              Vern, that puppy's really stuck. Know what I mean?

              [ Rip ]

              You know, Vern,

              it looks like a transmutation of your       and your    .

              Know what I mean?

              [ Pop ]

              [ Pop ]

              [ Santa ] I arrived herejust today.

              I had a simplejob to do,

              and then, everything started to get unraveled.

              First, I lost my sack,

              and now this.

              If you'd only take a moment and just try to understand--

              Come on, pops,

              we got some paperwork to do.

              You're making a very big mistake.

              Hey, look at this.

              [ Officer ] I never saw anything like this before.

              ''I'm frightened.''

              ''Don't worry. It's only thunder.

              ''We'll all be safe here...


              Oh, great.

              You kids are terrific actors. You really are.

              I want to thank you because you helped me a lot.

              I was a little nervous.

              He's a natural with the kids.

              He's already got them saying ''please'' and ''thank you.''

              You're the director, Carl,

              but personally, I think there's chemistry here.

              Chemistry is very important.


              - You've got it, they want it. - Really?

              Yeah, yeah.

              They want to shoot some tests tomorrow,

              - but don't worry about that. - Great!

              By the way, what happened to the old guy?

              Forget him. You've got a new career about to fire up.

              Good, but did he ever find his sack or whatever it was?

              Yeah, yeah. Taken care of.

              [ Squeak ]

              [ Squeak ]

              [ Squeak ]

              I know what we need, Vern. Bolt cutters!

              [ Splat ]

              [Jingle ]

              [Jingle ]

              [ Giggles ]

              He's him.

              [ Harmony ] There's no such thing. Think about it,;

              a guy who flies around the whole world...

              in one night.

              It just doesn't quite correspond...

              with the laws of time and travel.

              Now, now, now, it's possible.

              Take the international date line, multiply it by the time zones,

              divide it by the accelerated rotation of the Earth.

              Now, carry the one.

              Allowing for the vernal equinox on the Tropic of Cancer,

              he might just pull it off.

              All right, all right.

              Let's just say this guy really is Santa Claus, okay?

              Why is he riding around...

              in airplanes and taxicabs?

              Where's his sleigh?

              Where are his reindeer?

              [ Chomping And Snorting ]

              You know what I think that is?

              [ Chomp, Snort ]

              I think those are...

              Latvian goats.

              Wait a minute.

              It-- It could be aliens.

              [ Whoosh ]

              [ Whoosh ]

              - [ Knock ] - Is anybody in there?

              Santa, are you in there?

              [ Knock, Knock ]

              I've got your sack. It's safe.

              I told you, they're all gone.

              What is this about, anyway?

              I don't know.

              Well, I think I know, but--

              Come over here a second.

              [ Ernest ] I want to show you something.

              Watch this.

              [Jingle ]

              [ Giggles ]

              Whoa, groovy Tuesday!

              I am going to slowly and carefully...

              reach into this glowing bag...

              and see if my finely honed instincts...

              are correct.

              No, no. Don't do it.

              I mean, you don't know what's in that bag.

              You don't know where that bag's been.

              It could be some kind of...

              portable core-meltdown or something.

              No problem.

              [ Grunts ]

              Oh, ahh, oh.

              [ Harmony ] Careful, careful.!


              I told you. Now you're nuked, man.

              Unless I'm wrong, and I hardly ever am,

              this is for you.

              [ Zing ]

              Now ain't thatjust exactly what you wanted for Christmas?

              Are you crazy? Totally un-awesome.

              No, man, get with it. I need something major.

              Okay, that was just for practice.

              Now, I'm in the groove.

              Now, I am at one with the magic.

              How about this?

              Like it?

              That's you.



              [ Flap, Flap ]

              Come on, Ernest. It doesn't work for you.


              Right through here. Come on!

              Look, guy, if your nose is clean,

              you'll get a hot meal and be out on the street...

              before you can say, ''Frosty the Snowman.''

              But it would be a lot better if you'd give me your real name.

              I've told you.

              I've told everybody.

              My name is Santa Claus.

              Okay, we'll just go with ''John Doe.''

              Now, see here.

              This is a really horrible misunderstanding.

              I need to find a man named Joe Carruthers.

              You have one phone call.

              I can't explain something like this on the telephone.

              Well, unless you have some magical powers,

              that's the only way you'll talk to him tonight.


              One hundred and fifty-one.

              We've got to find him.

              We've got to get this sack back into the right hands.

              You saw how it was.

              Even me, noted ''philanthropic'' that I am,

              couldn't get the right stuff out of this sack.

              Do you know what this means?

              It really works!

              It means the end of Christmas on this planet...

              as we know it.

              There's only one person authorized to operate this sack:;

              his big red oneness, ''The Claus.''

              [ Officer] Open ''D'' cell.

              [ Officer] Close ''D.''

              [ Prisoner ] This ain't no flophouse, buddy.

              [ Prisoner ] I don't believe it.

              This place is full already.

              [ Laughter ]

              [ Smack ]

              Rise and shine!

              It's time to put fuel in the tank...

              and rubber on the road;

              and reunite old Father Christmas,

              a close, personal friend of mine,

              with his magic sack.

              Ernest, I'm not much of a morning person.

              Do you think we could just keep it down to a dull roar?

              When I see His Frostiness, I'm going to ask him...

              how he got in my house when I was a kid,

              because we didn't even have a chimney.

              I suppose you have a theory on this.

              My theory is...

              he got in through the forced-air heating system.

              You kill me.

              You talk like you believe all this stuff;

              all this Christmas, Santa Claus,

              fa-la-la-la-la stuff.

              Of course, I believe.

              Christmas is a known fact.

              Millions of people, all over the world,

              celebrate Christmas every single year;

              with colorful cards,

              and festively wrapped packages with big bows.

              One Christmas eve, I was lying in bed.

              I thought I heard a noise in the heat ducts.

              And you thought it was reindeer on the roof?

              No, I thought it was Santa Claus...

              trapped in the heating system.

              I pictured him wandering around in there...

              trying to find a way out,

              and finally turning himself into sort of this big blob,

              and oozing through the vent covers.

              You're a sick man, Ernest.

              We've got to eat and find ''The Claus.''

              With my tracking skills, that should be no problemo.


              [ Sizzle ]


              I like lots and lots of butter with mine, don't you?

              Lots of butter.


              [ Snort ]

              Oh, yeah.

              Alien goats, all right.

              I read about this in The Enquirer.

              Reindeer? But I knew that!

              It's part of the same species.

              [ Whoosh ]

              That's six out of eight.

              Bobby, there is something real significant going on here.

              " Five golden rings "

              "Four calling birds Three French hens "

              " Two turtle doves "

              [ Lone Male Voice ] "And a partridge "

              "In a pear tree ""

              This one was made in Mrs. Thompson's room.

              Isn't that nice?

              You have to be very careful when--

              I need to find the man who was here yesterday.

              What's his name?

              Santa Claus.


              Santa Claus.

              What'd you say?

              His name is Santa Claus.

              That's it, yuck it up.

              He happens to be a close, personal friend of mine.

              Na-na, na-na-na.

              Fifth-graders think they know everything.

              I know who you're talking about.

              He's that poor old man the police took away yesterday.


              Santa Claus got busted?

              I gotta go.

              What I really wanted for Christmas...

              was a million dollars in small, unmarked bills.

              [Jingle ]

              Guess what.!

              I wasn't doing anything. I was guarding it.

              Santa's in the slammer.

              We've got to get him out.

              Is vagrancy a capital crime?

              [ Engine Starts ]

              [ Tires Screech ]

              No, lady,you can't have that.

              Put that back.

              I hate to interrupt, Chief Spenks,

              but he's from the governor's office.

              Great, that's just what I need today;

              some know-nothing from the capital coming down here...

              and telling me how to run my--

              Hello, I'm Chief Spenks. How can I help you?

              Clementh, here. Oscar Clementh.

              I'm with the governor's State Correctional...

              Institutional Prisoner Fair Treatment Task Force.

              And this is the governor's niece,


              Mindy's writing a school paper...

              on ''How government really works.''

              How nice.

              This is a surprise inspection, Chief.

              Now, wait just a minute.

              Do you need an education to be chief, or can anybody do it?

              We had to fight through...

              an army ofTV cameramen just to get in here.

              Now, look here--

              Is that ''Spinks'' or ''Spenks''?

              - Now, look-- - I can't tell you what a...

              pet project this is of Governor Ellington's.

              TV cameramen. Are we communicating here?

              Were you elected into office,

              or did you just buy your way in?

              Isn't she a doll?

              [ Spenks ] The goal of this facility...

              is to rehabilitate and retrain the whole man;

              and to make possible his smooth reentry into society,

              once he's paid for the crimes he's committed.

              These are our most recent offenders.

              [ Officer] Open ''D'' cell.

              Be sure to take copious notes, Mindy,

              and watch that penmanship.

              Who's the old man?

              Um, Mr. Santos.

              Mr. Santos,

              how have you been treated since you've been here?

              My name is Santa Claus.

              Excuse me?

              Santa Claus.

              Did he say ''Santa Claus''?

              I think so.

              My good man, you are not Santa Claus.

              I am!

              - Are not. - Am too!

              - Are not. - Am too!

              Are not!

              I am too, and you know it!

              This man thinks he is Santa Claus,

              and you keep him in a cell with regular,

              ordinary, everyday, harmless criminals?

              Excuse me,

              but he really is Santa Claus.

              You see that? Infectious insanity.

              This man needs to be isolated.

              - Are you getting this? - Uncle Herbert will be shocked.

              Maybe it's a mistake; a clerical error.

              Is this the way government really works?

              [ Ernest ] Look at those beady twinkling eyes,

              those merry cheeks.

              I bet when he laughs he shakes like a bowl full of jelly.

              Call my office and tell them I'm taking...

              this menace to society to the padded party room.

              I hate for you to have to see this, my dear.

              I'd hate for Uncle Herbert to have to see this.

              Oh, don't tell him.

              The governor would make a throw rug...

              out of this man's chest hair.

              Move it, pops!

              [ Prisoner ] See you, Santa.

              [ Prisoner ] Take it easy, Santa.

              Can we still get ice cream?

              [ Ernest ] Of course we can, but none for him.

              [ Prisoner ] We'll be good.!

              All right! Was that cool or what?

              ''Is this the way government really works?''

              They bought it! Oh, what a team.

              That was close. Thank you, Ernest.

              Time is running out.

              This is great.

              You are the most famous person I've ever met.

              You're him: ''Mr. Twinkle in the Eye,''

              ''Mr. Rosy Cheeks,''

              ''Mr. Ho-Ho.!''

              I've got sugarplums dancing in my head as we speak.

              Ernest, chill out, will you?

              She still doesn't believe in you.

              Get real.

              Nobody believes in Santa Claus.

              Oh, she's been this way since that Christmas...

              when I brought her a doll instead of a baseball mitt.

              Haven't you, Pamela?

              You see, I took over...

              the position of Santa Claus in      

              from a German chap.

              I enjoyed every second of it.

              Then how come you don't want to be Santa Claus anymore?

              No, no, it isn't that.

              You see, with the passing of time,

              the magic fades.

              I've got some jumper cables in the back...

              if you need recharging.

              No, Ernest.

              It's recharged through the passing...

              from one person to the next.

              That's whyJoe Carruthers is so important.

              I've got to make him the next Santa Claus...

              before  :   tonight.

              Or I'm afraid...

              the magic of Christmas,

              the joys and feelings,

              will be gone forever.

              [ Santa ] That's why we've got to find Joe.

              [ Harmony ] Marty's office is on the  nd floor.

              These steps might as well be Mount Everest.

              Hold on a second, hon.

              Superior Talent, Inc. Marty Brock's--

              Is my second-born son without a sliver of gratitude?

              He wouldn't even pick up his own mother at the airport.

              I'm only glad his father never lived to see the day...

              when his son would treat his own mother this way.

              Me, a lonely old woman...

              forced to cope in a world of indifference.

              Hold on just a minute.

              Where is he? Where is Martin?

              I need him to help me with my will.

              Having walked from the airport, I'll be dead soon.

              I don't know what to do. He's with a client.

              That's life for you.

              You have two sons; one good, one bad.

              And wouldn't you know it,

              with my luck, the good one dies!

              But, Mrs. Brock, I'm sure he didn't know you were coming.

              Don't side with him, honey. There's no future in it.

              Just tell me where he is.

              I hope Ernest has success finding Joe.

              He's been in there a long time.

              At least they didn't kick him out right away.

              Your mother must be worried about you.

              - What? - Well,you've been gone a month now.

              That's a long time for a girl your age to be on her own.

              You know, that is so funny.

              People do this to me all the time.

              Everybody thinks I'm really young, you know,

              but I'm not.

              I'm   .

              My mistake.

              I mixed you up with someone...

              whose parents had some problems last year.

              They got so wrapped up in themselves...

              that they forgot that she ...

              needed a little attention, too.



              I don't know anybody like that.

              Sounds to me like she ought to wise up to the way things are,

              and just start looking out for herself.

              Hey, Ernest!

              - How'd it go? - It worked great!

              Victory is at hand.

              Now, we have to move on...

              to what I like to call ''Plan B.''

              Let's get moving.

              [ Harmony ] All right, another scam!

              I can't tell you how pleased they were...

              with your performance yesterday.

              It's just fantastic how well Blake's costumes fit you.

              - I was reading the script, and I'm a bit concerned-- - About what?

              That fate dropped a lead right into your lap?

              What should we do about the beard?

              - Leave it. - Lose it.

              Until I know if I want to do this.


              What a kidder!

              Don't you just love this guy?

              Chemistry. I can feel it.

              Can you feel it?

              Can you?

              Yes, you can.

              Here you go.

              Take real good care of this.

              Me and Father Christmas...

              are going to Diamond World Pictures,

              where we will successfully complete our mission.

              - [ Ernest ] You gonna be okay? - I'll be fine.

              We're gonna go find Joe at the studio.

              [ Hoofs Tapping ]

              Okay, call me cautious if you want to,

              but better safe than sorry.

              Okay, what's in the truck?

              Is this where the horror movie folk be?


              I got a truckload of snakes...

              for them horror movie folk.

              - Well, I'd better take a look. - [ Rattle, Rattle ]

              Careful now, they be poison.

              Poison snakes.

              One minute, you're a big...

              strappin'healthy man, and the next...


              You're dead meat! Deep six.

              [ Rattle, Rattle ]

              Careful, now.

              They'll knot up on ya.

              Them poison snakes will do that.

              Gonna get 'em all riled up.

              [ Rattle, Rattle ]

              When they get knotted up on you like that,

              they get real crazy.

              Especially on a day like today...

              when it's real hot.


              You want one for your boy?

              I gave one to my boy last year.

              - " Rock of ages " - No, that's all right.

              Just take the truck over to stage  .

              " Cleft for me "

              " Let me hide "

              " Myself in thee ""

              That's all these movie people want.




              She said ''no.''

              [ Whistles ]

              [ Whistles ]

              [ Indistinct Conversation ]


              [ Director ] Okay, everybody, ready?

              Roll playback.

              Okay, roll, please.

              Christmas Sleigh test. Scene   . Take one.

              And mark.

              Ready and action.

              [ Girl ] Can we sleep with the light on tonight?

              [Joe ] I think we can spare the electricity.

              Now off to bed with both of you.!

              You don't want to be awake when Santa arrives.

              Come on, off you go.

              Okay, the kids are gone.

              It's time to set out the toys.

              You're bubbling over with the, uh--

              - Christmas spirit. - Christmas spirit.

              Then you hear something.

              What is it? You don't know.

              It's outside the door.

              Yeah, okay.

              Now, it might be--

              - Old Saint Nick. - Old Saint Nick.

              Should you open the door?

              Or not?

              - Roarrr! - [ Crash ]

              - Roarrr! - Die, you son of a--

              Son of a--


              Cut.! Cut.!

              Is there a problem,Joe?

              Well, I sort of can't say that.

              The kids are right over there.

              It's nothing they haven't heard before.

              Not from me.


              We're not into gratuitous bad language here.

              It's important you show your anger.

              Otherwise, it's totally unmotivated...

              when you pick up the ax and hack him to pieces.

              Good heavens!

              - Who's this? - Oh, no.

              Joe, I thought this motion picture...

              was called ''Christmas Sleigh.''

              I can handle this. What are you doing here?

              I own a sleigh.

              I don't see what this has to do with--

              No, no.

              ''Slay, slay.''

              Not ''sleigh,'' but ''slay.''



              It's about an alien from outer space.

              He comes and terrorizes a bunch of kids over Christmas vacation.

              Terrorizes children, did you say?

              At Christmastime?

              Where did he come from?

              [ Indistinct Conversation ]

              We never saw him before, guys.


              Listen, Marty,

              the guy seems bound and determined...

              to talk to me.

              Let me sit down with him for a few minutes,

              let him get whatever he has to say off his chest,

              and then I'll send him on his way.

              I promise.

              What are you going to talk to him about?

              Flying reindeer?

              We're with the Animal Control Agency.

              You guys say you have a problem with reindeer?

              [ Stamp, Stamp ]

              Come on, guys, we haven't got all day.

              What's the problem, huh?

              [ Hoofs Tapping ]

              - What the-- - Oh, flying...


              - Um, that's not us. - No.

              You need Air Traffic Control.

              Yeah, Air Traffic Control.

              From this longitude, you must leave by  :  .

              Any later, and you'll run into daylight...

              before you get to the end of the trip.

              - So, I've arranged-- - Hold it.

              You're talking about every child in the whole world...

              in one night.

              No, you see, many of them...

              hold cultural beliefs that don't include Santa Claus.

              Have you any idea how many children are in the world?

                ,            .

              Well, that's a ballpark figure.

              If I'm going too quick, just say so.

              [ Car Horn ]

              [Jingle ]

              [ Zing ]

              Ma-ma, Ma-ma.

              Come on.

              Somebody must have asked for something good;

              a stereo, some jewelry.

              - Hey, you! - Yeah?

              - Is this your truck? - Yup.

              - Are you the snake guy? - Yeah.

              Okay, boys,

              bring 'em on over here.

              [ Hiss, Hiss ]

              Yeah, thanks.

              I'll count 'em later.

              [ Rattle, Hiss ]


              Listen, you seem to be very much into this.

              Why don't you just continue being Santa Claus yourself?

              Nothing would give me more pleasure.

              ButJoe, what I'm talking about is a torch;

              a bright, shining torch, that is carried for awhile...

              and then passed on to another.

              If it's not passed on,

              the flame flickers and dies.

               You know, I've carried this torch for more seasons...

                than I should have done.

                Because I loved it so much.

                But now, I've taken to making notes.

                Well, you can't do it that way.

                It shouldn't be done that way.

                It can't be done that way.

                It's time for someone new.

                It's time for you,Joe.

                [ Zing ]

                Ahh, more kid stuff.

                I need more time.

                How'd it go?

                I don't think I'd ride back there if I were you.

                Why don't you ride up here with me, okay?

                [ Rattle ]


                Did you get rid of him?

                Uh, yeah. Yeah, I did.

                [ Santa ] I feel as light as a bubble, my boy.

                You have no idea what a relief this is.

                Now, I must pick up the sack,

                then go to the Children's Museum...

                where I've arranged to meetJoe.

                He must leave by  :   at the latest.

                What about the sleigh and the   tiny reindeer?

                They're at the airport waiting for my helpers to pick them up.

                You want to go from the airport...

                to downtown at rush-hour?

                Yes. Is there a problem?

                They'll be bunched in there like caterpillars...

                or snakes! Ahhh!

                - Oh, hi. -Better get moving.

                It's time for the   Musketeers to saddle up...

                and ride to glory. Know what I mean?

                I-I-I don't know. I think, um--

                I think I've got something else to do.

                I'm just gonna get my stuff.

                You better check it out.


                Well, call it...

                a fifth sense. Call it...

                a flash of intermission,

                but I've got this feeling deep down in the heart of my bottom.

                Oh, I see.

                She couldn't do anything like that.

                Still, I'd feel a whole lot better...

                if we looked in the sack.

                [ Giggles ]

                Ah, would you put this in the pickup?


                Trust people.

                It pays off more often than you think.

                [ Ernest ] Are you ready to go?


                Um, no.

                I've got to meet my cousin, you know.

                She's here in town, and she called me.

                She said she had some clothes for me.

                So I'm going to go and try 'em on, you know?

                See if they fit and stuff.

                I'll see you later.


                Wish us luck.

                Oh, yeah. Luck.


                [Jingle ]

                There you go. Door to door service.

                This looks like the right place over here.

                Santa, I've got to get going.

                Your boys are facing rush-hour traffic.

                I've got to make sure they get you-know-what...

                over to you-know-where by you-know-when.

                [ Chuckles ] Yeah.

                [ Knock, Knock]


                Joe, are you home?

                Yeah. Just a second.

                How did you find my house?

                Well, it comes with the job.


                What did you do to yourself?

                If you must know,

                I needed to turn the clock back.

                Well, I shall have to figure out...

                how to deal with this.

                We can talk on our way to the Children's Museum.

                Look, you know,

                I really don't know how to...

                deal with something like this.

                Come with me. I will prove to you--

                Why me? Why not pick on somebody else?

                Because you have the qualities;

                the understanding of children.

                You have the magic...

                inside you.

                What's this supposed to be?

                My magic sack of toys?

                Look, it's just feathers.!

                I know it's feathers!

                The real sack was taken.

                I have absolute faith that it will be returned.

                At the Children's Museum, right?


                No, thanks.


                I have an appointment to keep...

                with people who want to give me more than just,

                you know, feathers.


                search your heart.

                There must be something that can convince you...

                of the truth.

                In a way, I wish there was,

                but I haven't seen it yet.

                How far will this get me?

                Where do you want to go?

                Doesn't matter.


                away from here.

                Probably get you to Miami,;

                leaves about  :;  .

                There's nothing sooner?

                Not on Christmas eve.

                All right.

                Are we gonna miss Santa?

                No, honey.

                He only brings you presents if you're good.

                [ Mother ] Bobby, sit down here.!

                Excuse me, can you tell me if this bus goes downtown?

                All the way to the train station.

                Thank you.

                Hey, you look like something's awfully wrong.

                Misjudged somebody, that's all.

                Well, you can't judge a book by its cover.

                No way.

                Oh, well,

                if I could be wrong about one person,

                I guess I could be wrong about another.

                - [ Whoosh ] - Bobby, see that one right there?

                - [ Whoosh ] - Right there! Fifty laps!

                Now, the way I've got it figured,

                - [ Whoosh ] - these rascals...

                are warming up for something real big.

                [ P.A. Announcer ] Your attention, please. Announcing the arrival...

                of Eastern Airlines flight     from Toronto at gate    -A.

                [ Ernest ] Hey, fellas, the sleigh's down here.

                Look now, fellas,

                I've got to have those reindeer...

                at the Children's Museum, like   minutes ago.

                Know what I mean?

                Your name Elmes?


                Your name ain't Elmes?

                No, Ernest.


                Well, eh, Ernest, we've been holding...

                these fleabags for a fellow named Elmes.

                Now, we got some real good questions,

                and he better have some real good answers.

                Look, fellas, you got to help me out here.

                First, let me ask you one question.

                Do you believe in Santa Claus?

                For some reason, I knew that this question...

                was going to come up.

                Welcome to Orlando.

                Next, please.

                Next in line, please.

                Next in line, please.

                Why not?

                It's Christmas, ain't it?

                Thanks, Skippy.

                No, no, no.

                I got no waybill. I got no...

                second party pick up release.

                I got no customs quarantine waiver.

                Well, then, you ain't got no reindeer,

                'cause we're saving them for a fellow named Helper Elmes.

                Helper elves.

                You got an I.D.?

                [ Together] Ta da!

                Well, that ought to do it.

                We don't have time to lose.

                Okay, fellas, move 'em out!

                [ Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh ]


                Okay, everybody on board!

                I will not allow us...

                to miss our r-r-rendezvous...

                with destiny.

                - Front seat! - Shotgun!


                [ Truck Engine ]

                [ Grunts ]

                [ Ernest ] We'll never make it on the freeway,

                but fortunately,

                I know a shortcut.

                I've been this way before.

                Oh, no. The gate's closed.

                It's not who you know,

                it's what you know.

                - Know what I mean? - [ Click ]

                Don't blow it, Elrod.

                We got lots at stake here.

                [ Ernest ] Trust me.

                [ Pop ]

                [ Groan ]

                Good night. Merry Christmas.

                Ah, you're the last one out.

                Well, everyone else has families to go home to.

                I volunteered to stay late.

                - Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

                [ Announcer ] The  :;   to Miami, arriving on time.

                [ Girl ] Momma, how does Santa carry all his presents?

                - [ Mother ] In his sack. - [ Girl ] How do they all fit?

                [ Mother ] I don't know. Maybe it's some sort of magic.

                You don't still believe in that stuff, do you?

                Well, there you go. I messed things up, like always.

                Only now, I messed up Christmas for everybody.

                My favorite time of year,

                and I blew it!

                If Santa were here,

                he'd know what to do.

                Yeah? What would he do?

                [ Grunt, Grunt ]

                [ Snap ]

                I've got it!

                Uh-oh, Big Red ain't going to like this.

                I see no need to beat around the bush. We know why we're here.

                Joe, we want you to do the picture.

                We all do.

                Right guys?

                These reflect the figures that we discussed.

                Keep in mind, this kind of film usually generates sequels.

                ''Christmas Slay      . ''

                Great. It's great.

                Look, before we sign,

                I need to go over a few problems...

                I have with the script.


                Can't we do something about the violence and bad language?

                Who do you think you are?

                You can't dictate changes to me.

                You're not some big star.

                You've done a chump kid show all your life.

                It got canceled.

                All you know is ''please''and ''thank you. ''

                Get with it. This is the real world!

                [ Snort, Snort ]

                [ Ernest ] Okay, fasten your seat belts.

                Put your tray tables and seat backs in their...

                full, upright and locked positions.

                It's time to slip the surly bonds of Earth...

                and dance the skies on laughter's silvered wings.

                Oh, brother.

                Okay, giddy up.

                [ Snort ]

                American  - -  you are clear to taxi.

                I got an Eastern L-   -    holding on ramp four.


                Airport Security,

                I have an unauthorized vehicle on runway  -  left.

                Anchors aweigh?

                Ah, may the force be with you.

                [ Sirens ]

                Now, Dasher!

                Now, Dancer.!

                Now, Prancer! Now, Vixen!

                On, Comet! On, Cupid!

                On, Donder.!

                Uh, Squeaky. Uh, Squish.

                Dopey, Grumpy--



                That's good. Blitzen!


                [ Squeals ]

                [ Screams ]

                He's going to kill us!

                Don't you worry, my little gherkin buddies.

                The vehicle ain't been made that I can't drive.


                [ Screams And Squeals ]

                [ Ernest ] I need oxygen.


                It's going west!

                No, south.

                He's all over the screen.

                [ Screams ]

                Hit the altitude limiter switch, bozo!

                Altitude limiter switch.

                Is that it?

                The brake, bozo! The brake!

                Yeah, the brake.

                Oh! Oh!

                Ah-h-h! Ah-h-h!


                [ Screams ]

                We're all gonna die!

                [ Screams ]

                So, did you ever find your sack?


                It was taken again.

                By whom?

                A little girl called Pamela Trenton.


                always afraid to sit on Santa's knee,

                always wondering if his beard were real.

                Smart, though.


                I wonder what happened...

                to that girl, anyway.

                [ Santa ] I wonder if there's any of that little girl left.

                Unless, at age    , you have any better offers,

                and I'm sure you don't, I suggest you sign this,

                and we get back to making movies.

                [Jingle,Jingle ]

                Now, have we got a deal?

                We're family here, right, Marty?

                - We're making things work, right? - Right.

                Joe, what is with you?

                [Jingle ]

                It's him.

                I'm him.

                Who's him?

                Merry Christmas, everybody!

                Joe, where are you going?

                [ Ernest ] I told you I could fly this thing. Piece of cake.

                Level it out, bubble-head!

                That can't be one of our boys, can it?

                No, sir.

                I don't know what it is.

                Guess we better scramble 'em.

                [ Siren ]

                Bogey at  :  !

                Uh-oh, hard ball!

                Target entering red zone.

                If they enter Cape Canaveral airspace,

                terminate with extreme prejudice.

                [ Elf] They're getting closer.

                [ Ernest ] All passengers return to your seats.

                [ Elf] Incoming.! Incoming.!

                [ As John Wayne ] Well, hang onto your lederhosen, razor ears.

                We're going to drop under their radar.

                [ Elf] Let me at him.!

                - I'm going to kill him! - Not yet, we're going down!

                [ Screams ]

                Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

                Ha! Ha! Ha!

                I've lost him, sir.

                Check your equipment.

                They couldn't vanish!

                [ Train Horn ]

                But if Santa goes to our old house--

                I forgot something. I'll be right back.

                Stop talking about it. There's no Santa Claus.

                Where do you get off? Don't say that to her.

                There is a Santa and this is his magic sack.

                If that's Santa's sack, why do you have it?

                [ Announcer ] Announcing the arrival of the  :;   Christmas Express--

                [ Ernest ] This is your pilot. We're experiencing turbulence.

                What's this?

                [ Screams ]

                Come on!

                You know,

                I haven't believed in Santa Claus since--

                January           .

                Your smart-aleck sister thought it was time...

                you learned the quote unquote truth.

                I'm so sorry you got busted.

                [ Chuckles ] Oh!

                [Jingle ]

                Welcome back,


                I'm sorry.

                I never doubted you'd do the right thing.



                Just a little bit of doubt.

                I just got to thinking about you...

                and Ernest,

                and just a whole bunch of things.

                I think I really got things figured out.

                I even called my mom,

                and I'm going home.

                I'm sure she was worried about you.

                Yeah, especially when I told her who I was with.

                Ha! Ha!

                I told you I could handle this baby.

                We're not going to make it!

                Don't worry, we'll make it.

                I have lived my life in the fast lane.

                Know what I mean?

                Don't touch that!

                What's the problem?


                It's Joe.

                You came.

                Yeah. The job still open?

                For the right man, it is.

                Nice threads.!

                How do I look?

                Like the real thing.

                You look wonderful,Joe.

                Oh, Santa.


                I guess I better get going.

                You probably need this.

                I hope you know how it works, 'cause nobody else does.

                By the way, my name's Harmony Starr.

                No it's not. It's Pamela Trenton;

                       Hampton Avenue, Bloomington, Indiana.

                How did I know that?

                You'll find you know a lot of things.

                Oh, my goodness,   minutes to  :  .

                Where's the sleigh?

                The sleigh?

                I thought you had it.

                [ Chuckles ]




                [ Elf] Pull the stick.!


                You told me if I became Santa,

                I could perform miracles.

                Were you kidding or was that real?

                Oh, no. It's real, all right,

                but I'm not sure what you can do about this;

                Ernest, the sleigh, and all that.

                And yet,

                maybe there is something you can do.

                I met a very nice fellow at the airport...

                who said he wanted snow for Christmas.

                [ Sigh ]

                Let's give it a try.

                Can he really do that?

                If anybody can.

                [ Howling Wind ]

                What's going on?

                Christmas is going on.

                [ Chuckles ]

                It really feels like Christmas.

                This is great!

                [ Harmony ] It's snowing in Orlando. I can't believe it.

                I don't care if it's Christmas eve.

                We close the deal tonight or not at all.

                It's snowing;

                just like home.

                Ha! Ha! Ha!

                Look, it's Christmas eve.

                Why don't you go home and stay with your family?

                We'll settle the deal later,

                and merry Christmas.

                [ Screams ]

                [ Crank ]

                [ Screech ]

                Nobody moves, nobody dies.



                I don't think Ernest is going to make it.

                This is the  nd job I've lost tonight.

                [ Screams ]

                Slow down-n-n-n!

                Air brakes! Ha! Ha! Ha!

                Ernest, well done!

                Bravo, Ernest!

                Whoa! Whoa!

                Hiya, folks!

                Ernest P. Worrell, Aerial Taxi, at your service.

                Ernest, you flew the sleigh?

                We told him not to.

                That's terrific!

                But we thought it was a great idea.

                It's all yours,Joe.

                You better get going.

                Well, I'm going to go home,

                so I guess I'm not going to see you again.

                [ As John Wayne ] Keep your nose clean, little lady.

                I'm going to miss you, too, Ernest.

                Well,Joe, I guess these are yours now.

                Watch it on the curves. It veers a little to the left.

                To the left.

                Bye, fellas.

                [ Together] See ya.

                [Joe ] Is there anywhere in the book...

                that says I can't have a driver for   night?

                Nowhere at all.

                [ Santa ] I think it's a fine idea.

                [Joe ] How 'bout it, Ernest?

                You've had a lot more seat time than I have.

                I knew they'd come to their senses.

                I am probably the best man for the job.

                After all, I am Ernest P. Worrell,

                thrill driver!

                Do you think we could use an honorary elf?


                - [Joe ] Why not? - All right!

                Let's get these puppies pumping,

                and start spreading that Christmas cheer.

                Now, Dasher; now, Dancer; now, Prancer; now, Vixen;

                on, Comet,;on, Cupid,;

                on Donder; and--

                [ Everyone ] Blitzen!

                Oh, yeah. Blitzen.


                Oh, by the way, we haven't been formally introduced.

                My name is Mary Morrissey.

                Well, once upon a time I was called,

                Seth Applegate.

                I guess I am, again.

                So, are you doing anything tonight?

                Not a thing.

                We'll think of something.

                [ Chuckles ]

                Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas.

                [ Harmony ] All right.!

                See that? I don't want any trouble from you this time.

                - That is a ''E.'' - ''F.''

                - ''E.'' - ''F.''

                - ''E.'' - ''F.''

                - ''E.'' - ''F.''

                Look, that is, ''E. Bunny.''


                [ Smash ]

                [ Shrieks ]




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