Eurotrip Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Eurotrip script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Michelle Trachtenberg, Kristin Kruek, Scott Mechlowicz, Matt Damon, yadda yadda .  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Eurotrip. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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Eurotrip Script




Hudson High Class of 2004    .



There she is. Fiona!






- Hey.

- Hey!



- Hey, you.



- Congratulations, graduate.

- Thanks, baby.



And congratulations to you, Cooper.



Aww. Thanks, baby!



- Nice try.

- All right.



- See you at Wade's party tonight?

- See you then.



So, it's just you and me

for the entire summer.



Next year you graduate, join me

at college. Just like we planned.



- Scott, we need to talk.

- Yeah? About what?



About me dumping you.






There he is!



The graduate

and his beautiful girlfriend. OK?



Smile, you two!



- Action!

- Dad, Mom, Grandma...



Uncle Moke... uh...



I'm gonna need a minute here, OK?



What do you mean,

you're dumping me?



I just can't take all the lying

and cheating on each other anymore.



What are you talking about?

Sweetie, I never cheated on you.



I know. That's what makes this so hard.



You're looking good, you guys.



Scotty, it's not you.

It's me.



There I go, lying again.

No, it was you.



You're just so...




- Smile!



So, that's it.



Here's your letter jacket back.






This isn't mine.



She's a keeper, huh?

Oh, wow.



Oh, my God.






Let's see that again.






- This is just so brutal.



And yet I can't look away.

Bert, play it again. Come on.



- Fiona!

- Bert, get out of here.



OK.See you.



All right. Stay black, Bert.






Mail, motherfucker!



Hey, I got one from Mieke.



"Happy Herzlichen."



Still writing that guy?

I thought that was for German class.



Yeah at first, but we're

actually becoming good friends.



He's a really cool guy.



"Dear Mieke, greetings

from your American pen pal."



Scotty, Girl Scouts have pen pals.



Listen to yourself, all right?



You met a "cool guy" on the "internet."

This is how these sexual predators work.



Next thing you know,

he'll want to "arrange a meeting"



where he will gas you,

stuff you in the back of his van,



and make a wind chime

out of your genitals.



Come on, let's go to Wade's.



All right.

Screw it. Let's go.



I'm not gonna let Fiona

ruin my graduation night.



Auf wiedersehen, Mieke.



- What's up, losers?

- What's up, Jenny?



What's up, dude?



Sorry to hear about Fiona.

She's a whore.



That's very sweet of you.




Enough Fiona talk. Look around.

There's gotta be  100   drunk girls.



We should try to have sex

with every one of 'em.



Hello? Mixed company?






- I'm a girl!

- No, you're not.



- You're just a cool guy with long hair.

- So, where's your evil twin brother?






There he is.



Hey, Jamie.

In fine form, I see.



Why'd you get me

gin and tonic?



- I hate gin.

- You do?



You guys are the worst twins ever!



Chug! Chug!



- When are you guys taking off?

- Tomorrow morning.



Hey, Wade!

Great party, buddy.



Man, I am so excited!



A whole summer,

backpacking around Europe.



You should've come with us instead of

working for Dr. Dad, Scotty!



It's gonna be so awesome!



Yeah. I planned every detail of the trip

to maximize the fun!



You brought a guidebook to a party?



- Do you wanna see my itinerary?

- Do you wanna see my balls?



You guys decide where

you're gonna go first?



Paris! I can't wait.



Two years ago Nicky Jager's sister,

Debbie, met a wealthy French guy,



and spent a month sailing

the Mediterranean on his yacht.



Isn't that the most romantic

thing you've ever heard?



Stuck on a boat with a weird French guy?

That sounds a little gay.



It's not gay. I'm a girl.



- Kinda gay.

- A little gay.



I gotta piss like a pregnant woman.



Hey, listen up, everybody.



Gotta a little special thing

I'd like to do tonight.



Going to play

a little song for you



about the nastiest, freakiest

little sex puppet I know...






This one's for you, baby.

Happy anniversary.



" Scotty doesn't know

That Fiona and me



" Do it in my van every Sunday



" She tells him she's in church

But she doesn't go



" Still she's on her knees

And Scotty doesn't know



" Oh, Scotty doesn't know



" So don't tell Scotty

Scotty doesn't know



" Scotty doesn't know "



I hope we're just as popular

in college as we were in high school.



- We will be.

- I know.



Who needs more Chablis?



- Candy, wanna come with?

- No, I'll stay here.



Well, there's your R-rating

right there.



- Whoops!



Holy cow!



Oh, this isn't where

I parked my car!



" I can't believe

He's so trusting



" While I'm right behind you thrusting



" 'Cause Scotty doesn't know

Scotty doesn't know "



Cooper Harris, you're a pig!



Uh... Candy, you should

clean that off before you go.



Clean what off?



You got a little something on you.



- Where?

- Right there.



It's like a smudge,

or something.






It's like dirt, or something.

Just go like this.



Is it off?



No, keep rubbing it.



" I did it with her on his birthday



" Scotty doesn't know

Scotty doesn't know



" Scotty doesn't know

Scotty doesn't know



" Don't tell Scotty

Scotty doesn't know "



Mmm-hmm... mmm-hmm...



No, it's just not coming off.



What is it?



Maybe tree sap or something.

Try pinching it.



No, it's just not coming off.

I'll tell you what.



Lick your fingers,

get some saliva going.



Like this?






Again, not enough saliva.



- Is it off yet?

- Fine, I'll do it.



Come here.



Oh, my God! Candy!









This isn't where I parked my car.



" Scotty doesn't know






Scotty doesn't know!

Scotty doesn't know!



This band rocks!



- Yeah!



Mail, motherfucker!



Hey, Mieke.



"Dear Scott,



"I was very sad to hear about

your lady woman Fiona dumping you.



"Since you no longer have a girlfriend,

maybe I could come to America



"and we could get to know each

other better. Perhaps we could...






What the fuck is "zussamen"?



"Arrange a meeting."



No, no, no! Come on!

Cooper was right.



This guy wants to have sex with me.



"Listen, Mieke...



"I don't want to arrange

any meetings with you,



"you sick, German freak.



"So please keep your hands

off my genitals,



"and never write to me again,

and don't come to America."









I'm never drinking again.

Oh, that's nice.



Bert, what are you doing?



Reading your email.



Don't do that.



Why are you wearing my bathrobe?



Oh, I'm sorry...



but somebody pissed

all over mine last night.



Wow. I can't believe this German chick

wants to come here and hook up with you.



I don't think so, buddy.

Mieke's a guy.



No, it says right here,

"trauriges madchen."



"I was a sad girl to hear about Fiona."



Fuckin' A, Scott.



I'm taking "Intro to German,"

and even I know that.



Come here.



He sent me a picture, retardo.



See? That's a picture of Mieke

and his cute cousin, Jan.



No, retardo.



That's Jan, a man's name,

and that's not "Mike,"



it's "Mieke," a common

German girl's name,



similar to our Michelle.



I hope you wrote her back

and told her to come visit.



You didn't?



You thought she was a guy!



I'm getting the video camera! Ha!



What an asshole!












"Address blocked"?

"Email not delivered."



No... come on!



Hey, Mom made waffles.



- What's going on?

- I'm in love with my penpal.



I'm in love with Mieke.



OK... OK.



You know what?

I was actually expecting this.



Frankly, I'm flattered

you picked me to come out to first.



And don't worry about

telling your folks, 'cause...



- I think they already know.

- No, you idiot. Mike is a girl.



No, no, I get it. Yeah.



He's the girl, and you're the girl,

and sometimes you're both the girl.






Right? That's hot.



But whatever works for you.

I'm not gonna judge it.



Will you stop? Look, come here.

Look at this picture.



Wow. Who's the hot chick?



That's "Mike." I mean, Mieke.



That's who you've been writing to

all this time?



Until last night,

when I took your advice



and told her to keep her

"hands off my genitals."



Given what we know now, that seems like

the exact opposite of what you want.



This is a total disaster.



Oh, come on. It's not that bad.



Though she is really hot.



You're not listening.

I don't even care what she looks like.



Mieke and I had this incredible bond.



I told her things

I couldn't even tell you.



Like what?



- Nothing. It's a figure of speech.

- No, seriously. What?



- Nothing. The point...

- You like me better, right?



This girl is not only smart and funny,

and stunningly beautiful,



but until I screwed up, she wanted

to come all the way to America,



just to be with me.



- So do something about it.

- What can I do?



She blocked her email account,

her phone number's not listed.



The only thing I know

is she lives in Berlin.



So go to Berlin.



I can't just go to Berlin, Coop.



- Why not?

- Because...



I just can't, OK? I'm supposed

to work for my dad this summer.



It looks good on

my med school application.



Oh, Jesus, Scotty!



Man, Fiona was right.

You're so predictable.



- I'm going to Germany.

- No...



we're going to Germany.



How are we going

to get to Germany?



Don't worry. I've got it covered.



- We're going to be couriers?

- Best way to get a cheap flight.



We just have to carry their packages,

then drop them off when we get there.



- My cousin did it going to India.

- Yeah?



Of course, he ended up using

a public restroom in New Delhi



and they had to cut off his leg.

You know...



but he got there cheap,

is what I'm saying.



OK, I don't have anything

to Germany for a week.



But I can get you both

to London today for $   .



Anything else?



Europe is the size of the Eastwood Mall.

We can walk to Berlin from there.



- Cooper, England's an island.

- OK, swim. Whatever.



We'll take it.



Hey. Thanks for coming with me.



I know you had that internship

at the law firm this summer.



Well, forget about the law firm.



And don't thank me.

I should be thanking you.



This trip is

a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity



for me to broaden my sexual horizons.



What are you talking about?



I'm talking about crazy European sex.






You know America was founded by prudes.



Prudes who left Europe,

because they hated



all the kinky, steamy

European sex that was going on.



And now I, Cooper Harris,



will return to the land

of my perverted forefathers



and claim my birthright,

which is a series



of erotic and sexually

challenging adventures.



You've really thought a lot

about this, haven't you?



It's my passion.



Come on, come on!



- The adventure begins.

- Welcome to jolly old England.



Yeah, breathe that sweet,

sexy, European air.



- Oh.

- What is that?



It's the phone they gave me

at the law firm.



Yeah, it's pretty neat, huh?



- Works anywhere.

- Yeah?



Excuse me.



Cooper here.



Hello, Mr. Walters.



Yes, sir, I'm down in file storage.



Um, hang on one second.



No, sir, I can't find

the Gutterman file anywhere.



Yes, sir, I'll keep looking.



I don't rest until I find it.



Didn't tell your boss

you were leaving the country?



They would've stopped paying me.

It seemed easier.



- So, where to?

- I don't know.



First bus to Berlin doesn't leave

till tomorrow. What do you wanna do?



Got the Tower of London...

there's Buckingham Palace.



- Uh...

- There's no drinking age.



- There you go!

- Come on.



- Hey!"The Fiesty Goat."



All right!



What do you wanna...



Soccer hooligans.



Hey, this isn't where

I parked my car!






Who the bloody hell are you?



This is a private members bar,

exclusively for the supporters



of the greatest

football team in the world...



Manchester United.



Now please, enlighten me.



Who the fuck are you?!



That is a good question,

and... Scotty?






We're the Manchester United fan club...



from Ohio.



If you're Manchester United




sing the Manchester United song.



Excuse me, I'm sorry.

I'm not much of a singer...



- Sing!!

- " My baby takes



" The morning train



" He works from   to   and then



" He takes another home again



" To find me...



" watching the Manchester United

football team! "






The best freakin' team

in all the land! Whoo-hoo!



Pretty good.



- Pretty dang good, lads!

- Yeah!



" My baby takes the morning train



" He works from   to   and then



" He takes another home again



" To find me waiting for him



" He's always

on that morning train "



I've unblocked

your email address,



but this Scott is not responding.



He was the one.



I was going to give myself to him.



Perhaps you should give

yourself to someone else...






I'm never drinking again.



Coop, wake up.



Oh, man, that was a wild night.



You think?



Scotty, where the hell are we going?



Don't worry. If anything

bad happens, my parents will find us.



Honey, where's Scotty?



- Cooper said they were going camping.

- Oh, that's nice.



And where's Bert?



Fuck if I know.




How are you, you scalawag!



Look, given the current

geopolitical climate,



all European countries should

have a seat at the table.



- Right.

- Except those fucking Ities.



I hate them Italian bastards.



- You know what I mean?

- Excuse me.



Hello, boyo!



- What the hell happened last night?

- You got steamed up, pissed as a fart.



Too much sauce, son.



Don't worry.



We come and got ya,

so you wouldn't miss the trip.



What trip?



- Where are we going?

- What do you mean, where are we going?



We're going to see the Mighty

Reds do the frogs in Paris.



Aren't we, boys?






Why are you yelling at me?



So I tell the swamp donkey

to sock it



before I give her a trunky

in the tradesman's entrance



and have her lick me yardballs!



Wow. You guys are on a completely

different level of swearing over here.



Coop? Cooper,

we're going to Paris.



I know. Cecil told me.



Mieke's in Berlin.

We're not going to Berlin.



What are we gonna do?

We need a plan.



See what I'm talking about?

This is predictable Scotty talking.



Relax. Paris is practically a suburb

of Berlin. It's a nothing commute.



That's why France and Germany

have always been allies.



The twins.

The twins are in Paris, right?



We can call them. They could help.

Let me see your phone.



Okay, but I'm only supposed

to use this for business calls.



Hey, don't...



You're on the wrong side of the road,



you snail-eating puffs.



Fuck off! Go on, you Gaelic

fucking garlic-breath tossers!



Piss off!

Get in here and say that,



you froggy Itie shities!



- Fucking beep!



We'll beep, you bastard,

all over your fucking nose!



Get out of the way! Piss off!



Hey, lads!



That wanker's got

a frog football shirt on!



Let's give this nancy

a fucking good kicking!



Come on, lads, he's going off!



All right. Twins said

they'd meet us here.



Look at that!



There they are. Come on. Jenny!



- Jamie!

- Hey!



Come here!



No, no. No, no, no!



- Scott, bienvenu a Paris.

- Thank you.



- Is that a new camera?

- It isn't just a camera,



this is a Leica M .



Uber-sensitive exposure settings,



legendary cloth shutter system.



- Let me see that thing.

- No can do.



I spent four years tutoring

lacrosse players to pay for it,



so nobody touches my camera but me.



- It's like your wiener.

- No, it's not...



- Jenny...

- Cooper, leave him alone.



Wow, I can't believe you came

all the way to Europe for a girl.



Wait, not just any girl.



Show her the picture, Scotty.



She makes girls in our high school

look like walruses.



I'm a girl from your high school.



No, I mean "girl" girls.



Guys, we're wasting the whole day here.

We're in Paris!



Let's go to the Louvre!



To the Louvre!



So, you guys wanna stay here,



or should we check out

the huge line at the Eiffel Tower?



Here's a fun fact. Voltaire contracted

syphilis two blocks from here.



- Should we go?

- Can we please get out of here?



- This guy's really creeping me out.

- Who, robot man?



He's just trying to feed

his robot family.



- I really don't like him.

- Why?



Because he's doing this?



OK, seriously, don't do that.




Do not hate me.



I am familiar with

over     dance moves



and I am programmed to get...






You're just upset because

people like me better.



It's okay.






Fight! Fight!



Break the leg shot!



Ha! Ha! Ha!



Don't look in his eyes, Scotty.



- Ohhh!

- That was not cool.



- Oh!



Guys, let's go. Come on.



Error! Error! Error!



How cool is this?



It's a shame we only get

to spend one day together.



- Why don't you come to Berlin?

- Umm, no.



Jamie, come on. In a few months,

we go to different colleges.



This could be the last chance the four

of us are together like this.



Plus, we're in Europe. Huh?



This should be the trip of a lifetime.



There's no way we should split up.



All right, this table

is now Europe, OK?



Excuse me.



We are right here, in Paris,



and I have got to get to Mieke,



who is over here, in Berlin.



If you come with us,

I'm sure there's a ton of great stuff



to see along the way.



- We can go to Denmark.

- I love Denmark.



- We gotta hit Amsterdam.

- Definitely.



And the cathedral at Cameret!



- Yeah...

- Maybe. We'll see.



- Whatever.

- If there's time.



Come on! I really want you

to be there when I meet Mieke.






- Excellent!

- All right!



- A toast!

- Yes!



- To Mieke!

- To Europe!



To Europe!






- Berlin, here we come!

- All right.



Better let me hold on to those.



- What the hell is that?

- It's a traveler's money belt.



Frommer's says

if you have one of these,



no one can rob you of anything.



Except your dignity.



No, you just put that in your...



wait, what?



Come on, guidebook. Let's go.



Check it out.



European ass.



What's up?



Jesus, Jenny.

I thought you were some...



girl. Come on. Platform  .









I believe this is yours.



Pleased to meet you.

My name is Christoph.



- Jenny, let's go!

- Move it!



Those are my friends.

We're supposed to go to Berlin...



- Jenny!

- I'm coming!!



So, it was really nice

to meet you.



The pleasure was all mine...






" Scotty doesn't know

That Fiona and me "



" Do it in my van on Sundays "



" Tells him she's... "




You gotta admit,

it's a really catchy tune.



" Tells him she's in church

But she doesn't go "



" Still she's on her knees

And Scotty doesn't know "



" Scotty doesn't know "



- " Scotty doesn't... "

- Buongiorno.






You know, there are a lot

of other empty compartments.






Ah! Si...






Pardon me.












Mi scusi.









- What the hell are you doing?

- Mi scusi, mi scusi.



No! No, no, no!



- Uh-oh.

- What?



Big tunnel.



Who's touching me?

Scotty, is that you?



Who's touching me?! Scotty!












Crans Sur Mer.

We change trains here.



Well, we got a couple

of hours to kill.



What's there to see in this town?



Hello? The Monument des Poissonieres.



It's a monument to all the local

fishermen who were lost at sea.



Frommer's says it's supposed

to be..."quite moving."



What the hell is wrong with you, C- PO?



We're here to see Europe,

not some crappy statue.



I'm taking a nap.



Wake me up when the train gets here.



Hmm. Says here this town

has a famous nude beach.



All right, we can't all

just lie around all day.



We gotta experience

the culture firsthand.



Let's go exploring!



So, what's the etiquette on boners?



Do I roll over and dig out

a hole for it,



or is it cool to just let my flag fly?



Wait, wait.



Does "nude beach" mean

we have to get naked, too?



Of course.



Do you think you can go an hour



without your currency colostomy bag?



As long as this thing has

our money and passports in it,



it's not coming off, and

my trunks won't come off, either.



Come on.



You came all the way to Europe.



Can't wimp out now.






All right, on the count of three.



Here we go.






Look at Jamie's penis!



Very funny. Very funny.



All right.



Let the crazy European

sex odyssey begin.



- Here we go.

- Really?



- Yes.

- Mm-hmm.



- Hello, ladies!



- Ladies?

- Bitches?



Eww! What a rip!

There's no nude girls here,



Just guys like us

looking for nude girls.



I don't understand.



"Crans Sur Mer has one of the best

nude beaches on the continent.






"during the summer,

the European women



"are chased away

by gawking male tourists,



"so Europe's most nubile exhibitionists

head to the deserted beach



"next to the Monument des Poissonieres."



There's so many penises.



Frommer's tried to tell you,

but you just didn't listen.



This is the biggest

sausage fest on earth.



It's the international house of sausage.






- Thanks for waiting.

- You're not missing anything.



It's all guys.



At least the sun's out.



" Dreams come true "



" I made my dreams come true "



" My dreams come true "



Holy crap!



What? I thought this was a nude beach.






- Huh?

- No.



- What? What are you doing?

- Jenny, you gotta cover up.









Ooh, girl.

Girl... girl.



Girl... girl...






- I'm not gonna make it.



- Go on without me.

- All right. See ya.



Chica! Chica!



Chica! Chica!



Reading Mieke's old emails again?






I have no idea what I'm going

to say to that girl when I see her.



You know, she said

I might be the one?



That's huge.



I've never been "the one" before.



Thought I was "the one" with Fiona,

but turns out I was, what,    ?



-    .

-    !



Look, you got nothing to worry about.



You'll show up and sweep her

off her German feet.









I will, won't I?



I'm so sad and lonely.



I'm so sad and lonely.



I just wish someone

would show up



and sweep me off

my German feet.



Mieke! I'm here.






About that last email.

I'm so sorry...



The past is the past.

You're here now.



I've been saving myself for you.



Let us make love

for one whole month.



Touch me, Scotty.






Oh, Scott...



- Mi bello.



Mi bello.



Mi bello.



Mi bello.



Mi bello.



Mi scusi.



Mi scusi!



" Hot stuff baby this evening "



" Gotta have some hot stuff "



" Gotta have some love tonight "



" Hot stuff "



Guys, our train

doesn't leave till morning.



- Where will we sleep?

- What do you mean, sleep?



We can sleep on the train tomorrow.



This is the best that could've happened.

We're in Amsterdam!



This is the drug and

sex capital of Europe!



Take a look at this.



"Club Vandersexxx."



"The red light district's

hottest sex club."



We have to check it out.

Who's with me?



I'll go.



Fine. Since no one else

is willing to go,



I'll just go myself.



" I see "



" You're waiting for me "



This is definitely

where I parked my car.



Hello there.



Welcome to Club Vandersexxx...



Amsterdam's most erotic club,



where your every fantasy

will be fulfilled.



Also says I get

a free T-shirt with flyer.



He's American.



How sad for you to grow up

in a country founded by prudes.



A country overrun

with crime and illiteracy.



A country where a man

is forced to make sex



to only one woman at a time,



and one must learn

the woman's name beforehand.



- It was horrible.

- I know.



But you can come with me...



and let the Vandersexxx begin.



" Marijuana in my soul "



" Your iguana in my hall "



I can't believe

we're doing this.



Don't worry.

Hash brownies are totally legal here.



You're gonna enjoy these, man.

These are magical.



" I like to smoke marijuana "



- You wanna do this?

- Yeah.



- Hi.

- Hi.



I need a new battery for my camera,



and while you're at it,

it could use a cleaning.






Is that a Leica M ?



Actually, it's an M .



It's got the built-in light meter.



It's so beautiful.



So sleek, so powerful.



How's the new lens system?



Makes the Nikon

look like a disposable.



You really know your cameras.



And you're very cute.



Me? Really?



I'm going on break.



I was going to step out back

and have a cigarette.



Would you like to join me?



I don't smoke.



Neither do I.



Hold on, hold on.



What is it?



This is great!



You're so innocent.



Let's change that... shall we?



What would you like me to do?



Well... I don't really know...



I guess I really

haven't done that much.



I haven't really found the time,

with all my extracurriculars,



and model U.N., advanced placement

classes, after-school tutor...


           ! Ah!



Gosh, you really like cameras!



Sometimes, we find our clients are

so overwhelmed with the pleasure,



that they sometimes scream out,"no,"



when really they mean,"yes."



And this is why we have the safe word.



The "safe word"?



If at any time the ecstasy

gets too great,



you just use the safe word.



Until we hear the safe word,

we will not stop.



Yeah, right. Stop.

All right.



We're going to start slowly,



teasing you with a little

light erotic foreplay.






Oh, yes, ladies!



On, on, vandersexxx!



Hans! Gruber!






So, are the girls coming back?



Administer the testicle clamps!



- Huh? What? Hey!



Safe word!



What is that?!

That's not a word, it's a...









- OK, mister, don't move.

- Excuse me?



Shut the hell up!



Oh, brother! Please don't hurt me.



Oh, no... you're fine.

That's good. You're fine.



Give me cash? You got cash?



Take it all, you dirty girl.






Your wallet! Focus!



- Give it to me.

- Oh!



Oh, I love you!



I love you!



I love you! I looove you!



What's so funny?



I'm really hungry.

I think I've got the munchies.



- Excuse me.

- Huh?



It's hot in here. You hot?

'Cause I'm really hot.



- So good.

- OK, I can't breathe! God!



I'm freaking out! I think we got

a bad batch 'cause I'm freaking out.



I can't... I can't do this.



I saw a gay porno once.

I didn't know until halfway in.



The girls never came.

The girls never came!



I am freaking out!!



- Everything all right with you?

- No, nothing's all right.



You sold us a bad batch

of hash brownies.



You're a bad Rastafarian.



These are not hash brownies.






- What was that?

- We do not sell hash brownies.



We're a simple Dutch bakery!



Now put your clothes back on, white boy!



Ow! Ow! Ow!






Did you say fluggegecheimen?



Yes! Yes!



For the love of god,




Are you sure?



Yes, please.



As you wish.



Bring on

the fluggegecheimen!



Wait... what?






No, no, no!

I didn't say fluggegecheimen,



I said, uh...



What'd you do last night?



I don't want to talk about it.



What did you guys do?



Don't want to talk about it.



- What is that?

- Free T-shirt.



Hey, guys.



What happened to you?



I got robbed.



It was awesome!



Our money, passports, tickets...

Everything, gone!



How the hell could this happen?



We all go to Amsterdam, and

Jamie's the one who hooks up!



For shame!



Oh, that's me.



Coop here. Sorry.



Hello, Mr. Walters.



You never got the Gutterman file?



I told Humphrey to give it to you.



That's hogwash. I handed it

to him myself yesterday.



I'll tell Humphrey to report

to your office immediately.






- This job's killing me.



- Uh...

- Let me handle this.



I speak bad German.



- What did he say?

- He said he's driving.



- Oh.

- Something.









- Berlin?

- Berlin!



- He's going to Berlin!

- Awesome!



- All right! Berlin!

- Come on, let's go!



Next stop, Berlin!




We made it to Berlin.



Jah. Berlin!



- Bratislava?

- Yeah.






Dear sweet mother of God.



We're in Eastern Europe.






Excuse me.



Do you speak any English?



You are Americans?






I love America.



We just get "Miami Vice" on television.



"Miami Vice" is number one new show.






Listen, we're trying

to get to Berlin, Germany.



Do you know if there's

a train coming anytime soon?



Oh, yes, very soon.

They are building it now.



Stop! Hammer time!



Enjoy Bratislava!



It's good you came in summer.



In winter, it can get very depressing.



We gotta figure something out.

How much money do we have?



Frommer's travel tip.



I don't have anything.



What? I got noth... fine.



$ .   American.



What are we gonna get with that?



Gotta love that exchange rate!






Hapi Djus.



Teraz bez drenei.



Hmm. Now with less pulp.



Dinner is served.



Would the masters care

for anything else?



Think we're good. Thanks.



Ah! A nickel!



You see this?



- I quit!



I open my own hotel!



So, we got    cents left.



What is there to do in this town?



- " My Scotty "

- " Scotty, Scotty "



" Scotty doesn't know "



" Don't tell Scotty "



- " Scotty doesn't know "



This song sounds familiar.



Jenny, lemme check your coat.



- Hey!

- Jenny!



That outfit is horrible!

Just take it off... now!



No, but I will let you

buy me a drink.



Excuse me!



You are the woman from the Paris

train station, aren't you?



- My name is...

- Christoph.






What are you doing here?



This is my place. My family owns

many nightclubs in Europe.



I'd be honored if you'd join me

in my V.I.P.Room for a drink.






Bye, Cooper.



- What's that?

- It's absinthe.



Frommer's says it's

illegal in the States



because it makes you

hallucinate and go crazy.



They call it "the green fairy."



My family has a yacht in the Aegean.



Come with me, Jennifer.

We will sail away together.



Oh, my God!



We will swim with dolphins,

and sip champagne by moonlight.



Oh, my God!



We will spend the day

sunbathing, drinking wine.



My wife makes the best sangria.



Wait... what?






You take a good Spanish Rioja,



and you put in slices of orange, and...



No, wait.

You said you were married?



You go around Europe

sleeping with every woman you meet?



No, please, Jennifer.

It is not like that.



I also sleep with men.



I gotta say, I'm not feeling anything.



Me neither.



Sober as a judge.



How 'bout you?



I'm not feeling a goddamn thing.



This absinthe is bullshit!



I hear you, my brother.



I'm outta here.



Excuse me.



- Hey, so where's Christoph?

- Shut up.



- Europe!

- Europe!



- Whoo!

- Europe!



So, tomorrow, Berlin.



Tomorrow, Mieke!



Check it out.



No way!



Jamie's hooking up with another girl?

Goddamn it!



It's just so unfair.

I've been all over,



looking for crazy European sex,

and he's the one who ends up...



- Oh, my God!



That is some pretty fucked-up shit.



Can you say,

"What the fuck did I do last night?"



They really are the worst twins ever.



That was a pretty wild night, eh?



Yep. Pretty wild, pretty wild.



I know I was out of control.



How about you guys?

Did you...?



All right, look.

We were really drunk,



things got a little crazy,

and Jamie...



kissed me.



Let's just forget about it, 'kay?



- Consider it forgotten.

- Never happened.



Never happened.



Fine. Let's just forget about it.



It's not like you two had sex.



- Have you had sex?

- Shut up, Cooper!



Jamie, relax.

Cooper. Please?



OK, fine. I'll give it a rest.



Jamie, could I borrow your Frommer's?



Oh, here it is. Bratislava.



Hmm. Capital of Slovakia.



Oh, here's a fun fact.



You made out with your sister, man!



- Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

- Like two dogs in heat.



My friends, where is the beef?



You go to Berlin?

I'm your ride.



Hop in.



" "   Red Balloons"



This is Mieke's

apartment building.



Wish me all sorts of luck, guys.



You'll do great, Scotty.






I came all this way.

I'm not gonna miss this.



- Dude, Mieke's hideous! Run!

- Stop.



Hi, my name is Scott Thomas.



I'm from America,

and I'm here to see Mieke.



I'm sorry, but Mieke's not here.



Do you know where she is?



She's gone for the summer.



My daughter had intended

to spend the summer in America,



looking at colleges

and visiting some friends.



But several days ago,

she suddenly changed her mind.



She would not tell me why.



I think I know why.



This is Heinrich.

He's Mieke's stepbrother.



As I was saying,

she packed up her bag and left.



- It was all very sudden.

- Do you know where she is now?



She's always been

very interested in the classics,



Greek and Roman literature, history,

and she's always enjoyed the ocean,



so she found a program that

combines all her interests.



Do you know where she is?



She enrolled in a summer at sea

program, based in Rome.






OK, then I guess we'll go to Rome, then.



Unfortunately, Mieke's only

in Rome for orientation.



Tomorrow her group boards a boat

and she'll be gone for the summer.



She'll be quite unreachable.






Mieke's tour group goes

to the Vatican tomorrow,



then she gets on that boat

and she's gone.



So, it's over?



Thanks for sticking with me

through this, guys, but...



you should probably call your parents,



have them wire you

some money and go home.



What are you gonna do?



I'm going to Rome.



I'll walk, I'll hitchhike,



I'll swim if I have to,

but I'll get to Mieke somehow.



Maybe that'll help.



Where'd you get all that?



Wait. Where's your Leica?



Sold it.






You sold your Leica?

But you loved that thing.



What about your Europe photo tour,

the chateaus?



Chateaus have been there

for     years.



Mieke's gone in    hours.



Let's go! Frommer's says check in three

hours before international flights.



Come here, guidebook!



Whoo! We're going to Rome.

We're going to Rome!



" Be my girl "



" Be my girl "



" Are you gonna be my "



" Girl, yeah "



" Be my girl "



" Be my girl "



" Are you gonna be my girl "



All right, summer at sea group.



Our tour begins in the Vatican museum.



This way, please.



There it is.



This entrance is

for private tour groups only.



Oh... but we are

a private tour group.



We've come all the way from America.



That guy in the orange jacket

is mentally retarded.



Si, I can tell.

How very, very sad.



Yes, it is.



But if you are a tour,

where is your guide?



We've got a fantastic tour guide.



- Right here.

- What? No...



The Vatican has been used

as a papal residence



ever since the time

of Constantine the Great



of the  th century A.D.!



- Oh.



OK... um... if you'll

all follow me, please.



Have a very special day



for a very special little man.






I can't believe that guy let us in.



What a retard!



- Let's find Mieke.

- Scusate.



One of our English-speaking

tour guides has called in sick.



Could you please take

these peoples also?



- How big is Vatican City?

-.   square kilometers.



- Who built the colonnades?

- Gianlorenzo Bernini,     .



- Where are the bathrooms?

- Floors    and  .



Next I'll take you to where the

College of Cardinals elects a new pope.



When this happens, white smoke

is sent up from the Vatican.



- Here's a fun fact...

- Mieke must be around here somewhere.



Let's go.



Behind me is the appartamento papale,



or "papal apartment."

We're obviously not permitted.



Excuse me, miss. What is this?



That is the bell of San Marco.



When the pope dies,

the Cardinal Vicar of Rome



rings this bell to notify

the people of Rome.



Next we will view the Sistine Chapel.

Follow me, please.



Come on. I think I hear them.



Which way did they go?



That way. I'd stake

my reputation on it.



Good enough for me.



Hey, check it out!

I wonder what this does.



It doesn't do anything,

it's a rope. Come on, let's go.



They got a lot

of old stuff here.



Dio mio!



The bell of San Marco!



The pope is dead!






She's not in here.



Let's go. We're definitely

not supposed to be in here.



Hey, check this out!



- I'm the pope!

- Cooper...



take off the pope hat.



- Oh, no. It's OK.I'm catholic.

- Take it off, goddamnit!



Oh, you took

the Lord's name in vain!



Only I can forgive

you now, my son.



Take that fudging thing off!



The pope breaks an open-field tackle.



It's a Hail Mary,

he catches at the   ...



the    the    the   ...



touchdown, Pope!



The pope makes a two-point conversion.



And oh, my Lord!

It's the Pope, eight,



and the heathens, nothing!



How's you, sucka?



Cooper, the hat! The hat!



The hat is on fire!



" We don't need no water

let the m... "



I'm not kidding! Look!



Oh, holy shit!



I don't want this!



Fireplace! Fireplace!

Go, go!






White smoke!



They've elected the new pope!



I'm coming to you live

from Vatican Square



where the College of Cardinals,

in a surprise move,



has just elected a new pope.

The crowd is very excited.



This is so strange.



Usually they wait    days

to elect a new pope.



We could be seeing

history in the making!



We could be seeing an arrest

in the making.



There she is. Mieke!



Hey! Stupid curtain!



Let me out!






It's the new pope!



What the hell...?






Hold on!



This is one crazy pope.






Ferma! Stop! You!



You... and your retarded friend,



you're in big, big trouble.






Take your mitts off them boys!



They're with me!



I've just about had enough

of you fuckin' ities!



But I am Swiss!



Them, too!



Now, bud...



you get in there, and you

say what you got to say.



Mieke. I'm here.



I made it.



Who are you?



What a fucking loser!

I'm gonna videotape this.



I'm Scott.



From Ohio?



Scott? Scott Thomas?



- Yes.

- From Ohio?



- What are you doing in Rome?

- I came here to be with you.



Listen, I just traveled

all the way across Europe.



I got chased by naked men.



I ate brownies with absolutely

no drugs in them.



I watched a brother

and sister make out.



I kicked a robot in the balls,

but I did it all so that...



so I could tell you one thing.



I love you, Mieke.






We're perfect for each other.

What do you think?



I think...



Oh, Mike... Mieke!



Forgive me, Father,

for I have sinned.



I have cheated on my husband.



Do you think God will ever forgive me?



Oh, yes!



- Father?



This sucks.



I can't believe I'm the only one

who didn't hook up while we were here.



Europe is officially

the worst country on Earth.



I know.



I thought I'd at least get to

have some crazy European sex.






- Scott, I have to go.

- OK.



My boat is leaving.



I still can't believe

you came all the way here,



just for me.



What can I say?

I'm very unpredictable.



Keep writing to me, Scott, OK?



Yeah, I will.



- Go.

- Bye.



Yes! Yes! Yes!






Hey, guys, I'm so glad we got

to take this trip together.



This was the best time of my life.



Excuse me.



You're the young man who gave me

that tour of the Vatican, aren't you?



- Listen, I'm very sorry...

- I just wanted to thank you.



You were the most knowledgeable,

albeit idiosyncratic,



tour guide I've ever had.






But I'm not actually a tour guide.



I've just read Frommer's

enough to have it memorized.



Although I threw in a few things

Frommer's didn't know about.



How would you like to add them?



Excuse me?



That's my guidebook.



I'm Arthur Frommer.



It's amazing!



Frommer's is going to pay me to see

every museum and cathedral in Europe.



- That sounds so exciting...



for you.



I figured, since you're

going to be staying,



you might need this.



- A disposable camera.

- That's right.



Thanks, Scotty.



That's from both of us.



Hello, Mr. Walters.



I see.



Fired? Well, I...



Well, if that's what you want,

I understand. I just...



goodbye, sir.



They had to catch you

eventually, right?



- No, they fired Humphrey.

- Shut up!



I got his office and a raise.



- No!




from Rome to Cleveland...



That's you guys.



- Have a good flight, everybody.

- Come here.



Be good.



- Oh! OK...



- Cooper, have a good flight.

- Be good.






I'm on it.



This still

counts as Europe, right?



"Dear Mieke,



"Greece sounds incredible.



"I just moved into my dorm room today,



"but I can't wait to see you

over Christmas break.



"This time I think

I'll fly to Berlin direct."



- Hello?

- Hey, buddy, how's college?



I just got here. My roommate

hasn't even showed up yet.



Do they room all you

pre-med geeks together?



I'm not sure I'm going pre-med.



I'm thinking about majoring in German.



German? I've got a better idea.



Why don't you major

in not being such a woman?



So, how's Jenny?



Jenny... Jenny who?



I know a lot of ladies

named Jenny, they're all...






Hey, Scotty, what's up?



Hi, Jenny!



How's Jamie doing with Frommer?



Oh, no.



Hold on.



Come here, robot!



Cooper, not again!



Hold on, this could be

my new roommate.



What's the freak look like?



Is he a dork or is he cool?

Better not be cooler than me.



Is he bigger than me?



I just got your last email.

What are you doing here?



Going to college.



You're going to college here?



- What dorm?

- This one.



Room    .



How is this possible?



I guess they thought I was a guy.



Now who would be dumb enough

to make a mistake like that?



Do I hear kissing?



Are you making out with

your new roommate, Scotty?






Scotty? Scotty!



" Scotty doesn't know

that Fiona and me "



This happy ending is bullshit.



When does the fairy get laid?

I'm outta here.



" Still she's on her knees

And Scotty doesn't know "



" Oh, Scotty doesn't know "



- Catchy tune.

- Fuckin'-a, man.



" Fiona says she's out shopping "



" But she's under me

And I'm not stopping "



Scotty doesn't know!

Scotty doesn't know!



Scotty doesn't know!



Hello, and welcome to



Amsterdam's finest and most

luxurious youth hostel.



Sounds great.



There is no bathroom,

nor is there one nearby.



" I can't believe

He's so trusting "






" While I'm right behind you thrusting "



- Get it?

- She got it.



If you do not wish to have

your valuables stolen,



I suggest destroying them

or discarding them right now.



You can also try hiding

your valuables...



in your anus.






" Scotty doesn't know

Scotty doesn't know "



" Scotty doesn't know

Don't tell Scotty "



I'm gonna rip away his pants

and look at his dick, OK?



- Ready? Quit. Shut up.



Sorry. I know I fucked it up.



Yes! You take her hair...



and one strand at a time,

pull it out!



Use her like a humping post!



Jenny, this is Europe.



They have orange juice ads

with lesbians and dildos.



"Happy juice."



Show them something they haven't seen.



" Fiona's got him on the phone "



" And she's trying not to moan "



" It's a three-way call

And he knows nothing "



" Nothing, Scotty doesn't know "



" Scotty doesn't know

Scotty doesn't know "



Should a fire occur,

due to our faulty wiring,



or the fireworks factory upstairs,

you will be incinerated,



along with the valuables

you have hidden in your anus.



" So don't tell Scotty

Scotty doesn't know "



" Really want to go "



" Scotty doesn't know

Scotty doesn't know "



" Scotty doesn't know "



" The parking lot, why not? "



" It's so cool when you're on top "



" Life is so hard

'Cause Scotty doesn't know "



" Scotty doesn't know "



Fuck off! Get out of it, you wankers!



Go on, you gaelic fucking

garlic-breath tossers!



Piss off! Get in here

and say that, mate!



Come on! Fucking come and have it!



You fucking beep?!



We'll beep, you bastard,

all over your fucking nose!



Fuck off!



Go on, you French bastards!



Get on the other side

of the road, you pricks!



Go on out of it!



Fuck off!



I'm nackered.



- League supporters.



" Scotty doesn't know

Scotty doesn't know "



- No, wait...



Hey! Check these out!

I'm    years old.



" Gonna tell Scotty

Gonna tell myself "



" Scotty has to know

Scotty has to know "



" Scotty has to

Scotty has to go "



" Scotty doesn't know

Scotty doesn't know "



" Scotty doesn't know

Scotty doesn't know "



" Scotty doesn't know

Scotty doesn't know "



" Scotty doesn't know

Scotty doesn't know "



Scotty doesn't know!

Scotty doesn't know!



Scotty doesn't know!

Scotty doesn't know!



- Scotty doesn't know!



Scotty's gotta go!



" "Get Loose" plays "



Is it off yet?



No, keep rubbing it.

Special help by SergeiK