Voila! Finally, the Even Stevens
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Shia
LeBeouf. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Even Stevens. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
As we look back on junior high
Our fondest thoughts will be with thy
Oh, mighty Lawrence
Hail our alma mater
Inside your walls
we blossomed and we grew
We sing your praise
The green and gold forever
And to thee, your wombat whiskers,
We'll be true
Ruby Mendel, thank you. "Our Beloved
Alma Mater" never sound better.
Oh, my gosh, guys.
- I'm going to miss you so much.
- But, Ren, we'll be together in high school.
- I know, but I'm just a little...
- I know.
Please welcome a student
are almost too numerous to mention.
Anchor of The Wombat Report.
President of the Overachievers Club,
my personal assistant,
and the single most amazing
young woman I have ever met.
Good gravy, I'm gonna miss her.
Your valedictorian, Ren Stevens.
Oh, Principal Wexler.
and fellow graduates.
Lawrence Junior High
was not just a school,
but it was a home away from home.
- It was a place to learn, a place to play.
- (whispers) That's my little girl up there.- (Ren) A place to think.
- I know, Dad. I'm her brother.
Donnie, you're late.
He's going to miss Ren's speech.
I dropped him and Beans off.
- He said he wanted a better angle.
- For what?
(Ren) A place to think. A place to grow.
We began as little tadpoles
in a pond of knowledge.
- Ready to launch, boss?
- Patience, Beans.
- OK, but I'm going to bust a gut.
- Don't you do it.
Breathe. Are you breathing?
And even as we look to our future,
we'll never forget our past.
Wherever we go on this planet
I like to call Earth,
we'll keep the wombat spirit alive,
...in our... in our hearts.
- (giggling)(Ren) Uh...
What is the wombat spirit?
Well, that's a good question.
It's service, it's dedication.
Coach Tugnut! Confiscate that beach ball.
I'm on it, chief.
(Ren) We'll keep the wombat spirit
alive in our hearts.
What is the wombat spirit?
It's service, it's dedication.
It's commitment, it's perseverance.
- Let me play with it.
- Beans, stop it. It's not a toy, all right?
This is my job. This is what I do.
- Sure, it's easy to say, "Me, me, me," but...
- (Coach Tugnut) Come on!
...what about, "We, we, we?"
Remember, there is no "I" in "wombat. "
All right. Time to release confetti.
Confetti? I thought you said...
Beans, your lack of listening skills
has finally paid off. (laughs)
I think that we should
lay low for a while. All right?
Mr. Wexler, you cannot give me detention.
It's summer vacation. Please.
Rats. You're right. Ah, but think
of all the days you'll owe me next year.
He's all yours. Have a nice summer.
- I'll show you what.
(Steve) Hey!(furious shouting)- Enough!
- (sudden silence)
This is a very happy day.
We should all be happy.
Don't you realize that
Donnie is going off to college in the fall,
and Ren is starting high school?
Soon you'll all be leaving home,
going out on your own.
This is a very precious time.
We should make the most
of this summer as a family.
Mom's right, guys.
We need to cherish these days together.
But I got a date, so first thing tomorrow
we're going to do some serious cherishing.
Yeah, and I've got to meet up
with the guys, so... cherish you later?
So, guess it's just the three of us, huh?
Oh, uh... Actually, uh...
Gil's taking me out to dinner.
He's only been my boyfriend
for the past three months, Dad.
- Doesn't ring a bell.
- Your father is still in denial.
Well, OK. Go, honey.
Go on, go. Have a good time.
- All right. I love you guys.
- I love you too.
(whimpering)Help me! Help me! (sobs)(clears her throat)
We're gonna have such a great summer.
We can spend every day together.
Can you believe
how many syrups they have?
Are you... OK?
Yeah. Yeah, fine. It's just that...
Well, I took a summer job at a camp. And
I'm going to teach swimming to little kids.
Oh, well that's great.
We'll have nights and weekends.
- Ren, it's not a day camp.
- It's in Maine.
Yeah, that's... (clears throat)
That's really far.
- I know. I'm sorry.
- It's OK.
I'm gonna miss you.
That's usually where people say,
"I'm gonna miss you too. "
- Ren, here's the thing.
I mean, it's been great,
but I'm going to be going away
and I don't want to be tied down.
Oh. No, sure.
I mean, in case you meet another girl.
- Well, I probably won't.
- Oh, I know. But no, no, no.
When you go to Maine,
you want to keep your options open.
Right. Exactly. And when I come back,
we can pick things up again.
No, Gil, we can't.
Ren, are you upset?
You dump me in a pancake house
and you wonder if I'm upset?
OK. This would be a really great moment
if the syrup wasn't so thick.
Honey, hi. How was your date with Gil?
- Oh, Mom.
- Oh, honey.
- The technology is amazing.
- It's your masterpiece.
You're really gonna sit in this thing
Hold on, hold on. Don't call her a "thing. "
She's my ultra-loungematic superchair.
- (belches)- Watch this. Watch this.
Like a thousand tiny fingers
working all the right parts.
You've brought laziness to an art form.
Thank you. Tawny.
OK. Thank you, darling.
Well, it certainly looks
like it has all the bells and whistles.
- That reminds me.
- (cuckoo clock)
(kisses hand) Thank you.
And, for my entertainment pleasure...
(TV voiceover) It's time for "Gotcha. "
With host. Lance LeBow. Tonight. A family at a local café
orders the house special and gets... (screaming)(cheerily) Good morning! Hey, Dad.
Come here and give me a kiss.
Hey, Mom, how you doing? Oh, mm!
- Is that juice? Oh, I'd love some.
- Yum. That's good.
- You feeling OK, honey?
Yeah. I'm great. Fine. You know?
Super. Tiptop. Never been better.
Do you really think I'm going to let
a boy ruin my summer? Nuh-uh.
You mean you're really over...
uh, what's his name?
His name is Gil. Gil.
- OK. OK. Here. No, no, no, no, no.
- I'm sorry. Oh, honey.
You know, this looks like
a mother-daughter conversation.
It's OK. Shh.
So, where will I be bunking?
- Uh, yeah.
Mom, I took a babysitting job so
I could get my mind off of... you know who.
Hey, Beans, you know,
I'm just watching you for the afternoon.
I don't think my parents will appreciate that.
- They're in Helsinki.
- (both) Helsinki?
It's in Finland. Get a globe.
(sniffs spoon) Mm.
Someone had rice pudding.
Beansy. Honey. Little guy.
Let's just put this down.
So, Beans... Now, Beansy,
I just don't think this is a great idea.
So, Beans, really.
How long will your parents be away?
Two weeks. Three, tops.
Three, tops. Three?
- Time to unpack.
- Beans, the guest room is upstairs.
- You think I don't know that?
- What are you doing then?
Beans, you brought your own bacon.
No, I'm holding it for a friend. Want some?
Two weeks of Beans, Ma.
Two weeks of Beans.
(TV voiceover) The specialty of the house. Gotcha. Bangundy family. We gotcha... good!
That's so cold, yet so entertaining.
Yeah, well, I gotta get going, man.
Have a good... sit.
- (Louis) All right, man.
Later. See you around.
Oh, Tawny. I have a surprise for you.
That's your seat. Right next to Papa.
Actually, "Papa," I've got to get home.
Uh, all right.
Well, then maybe tomorrow then?
I'll be here all summer.
I'll sit next to Papa.
Beans? What are you doing?
These things gotta itch your but.
- Will you please get out of my stuff?
- Oh, don't worry. They're not for me.
Louis needs more mosquito netting
for his chair.
Oh, Ren, come on. Come on, Ren.
You're letting the skeeters in.
They're really biting this year.
Must be the rain or...
Ren, can you say something, 'cause that
sick look is really starting to freak me out.
Wait till I get my hands on you.
Do you have any idea...
- Louis, get me out of this thing.
- Press the red button. The red button.
The other red button, over there.
The other one.
The sundae maker works.
- That's it. I can't believe this.
- (siren)- I wouldn't do that, Ren.
Wow, Ren. Really stuck that landing.
- Behind you. Behind you, Ren!
- Hello? Anybody home?
- (screaming)(Louis) Help me!(Ren) Sir, sir, are you all right?
I'm so sorry. Give me your hand.
Are you OK?
What's going on out here?
- Ren freaked out and totally lost control.
- What are you talking about?
Me? Look at me right now.
- Who're you gonna believe? Me, your son.
- No, that's not true.
Stop it! Would the two of you
get along for five minutes, please?
- No way.
Come on. Sir, are you OK? I'm sorry.
- Yes, I'm fine.
- If there's anything we can do...
Well, actually, you can help me.
I'm trying to find the Stevens family.
- We're the Stevens.
- You must be Steve. Hi. Miles McDermott.
- Oh, nice to meet you.
- I have a presentation for you.
Oh, well, Miles, whatever you're selling,
we're not really interested. Thank you.
Oh. Well, Steve, you know,
I'm not really a lawsuit kind of guy,
my back is feeling a little tight.
Stevens family, you have won
an all-expense-paid vacation
to the beautiful island paradise
Try to contain your enthusiasm.
Miles, I have never heard of Mandelino.
(steel-drum music)(voiceover) Mandelino is
an uncharted. Unspoiled island paradise. Mandelino is populated
by the descendants of island nativesand shipwrecked sailors
from many nations.Making for the unique
and varied look of its people. English is the mother tongue
of Mandelino.So there will be no language barrier
as you experience the natural beautyand amazing Mandelinian hospitality.
Never before offered to an outsider. Mandelino. Your dream vacation.
Miles, it's all very interesting, but why us?
Well, you're a very influential family
here in Sacramento.
You're a state senator. Your husband
works for a prominent law firm.
Actually, I'm between
prominent law firms right now.
I'm sorry to hear that.
At any rate, my company was hired
to conduct an extensive search,
and you are exactly the family we're
looking for for this wonderful opportunity.
Miles, I hate to be a negative Ned,
but what's the catch?
There's no catch. We're just trying to get
tourists to come to this island, that's all.
All we ask is that you give us
your honest opinion at the end of the trip
and allow us to quote you in our brochures.
- And that's it?
- Just sign on the doted line.
Dad, what are you waiting for?
OK, you know this is boring
and you just want to go
because you broke up with your
stupid boyfriend and want to get away.
And you just want to stay here
and sit on your stupid chair.
Do they have cable?
Son, the beauty of Mandelino is there
is no modern convenience of any kind.
Guys, this sounds kinda cool. I mean, I can
run on the beach, get into football shape...
Donnie, come on! You can run here
and get in shape here. Please.
You know, Steve, this could be
a wonderful family adventure.
It could be everything
we've been hoping for.
No, Mom, listen...
Listen, here's an adventure.
You can stay here at home
and give me breakfast and do my laundry
and that'll be an adventure.
Dad, come on. Dad, listen. Dad.
Can somebody put a stop
to the madness, please!
Well, I guess it's unanimous.
- We're going to Mandelino.
Well, we'd better start packing.
We don't want to forget anything.
- Especially me.
- (sharp intake of breath)(Miles) If you look out the right side. You'll
see the beautiful island of Mandelino. Whoa. Whoa! Not all at once!(chant) Welcome, Stevens family,
welcome, Stevens family...- Look at all that.
- (chanting continues)
Oh, my God. Hello. Hello.
Is this all for us?
I think it is.
I am Tuka, chief elder of Mandelino.
Welcome, Stevens family.
(blows conch. They cheer)
- This is very exciting.
- Yes, it is. Why?
You're about to be presented with
the traditional Mandelino hat of friendship.
Hi. Ooh. Thank you. Ooh.
Hey. All right, Beans. Come on. Come on.
Oh. (laughs) Ooh.
Welcome. I am Mootai.
Come on, everyone,
and I'll show you where you'll be living.
- I could really get used to this.
- (she gasps)
(Miles) Yeah. It's the palace of Tuka,
the chief elder.
They haven't built hotels
here on the island yet,
so he's allowing you
to stay here as his guests.
Can I get one of the front rooms?
I get nauseous if I don't get an ocean view.
- Thank you.
- Wait. Wait!
(Ren) Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Why does he get to have
the room with the view?
- Oh, this is awesome.
- I see my room.
- Oh, no.
- I called it.
- Oh, no, you don't.
Wait a second, you little worm.
You didn't even want to come here.
It doesn't mater. I'm just going to have
to make the best of it in the royal bedroom.
Hey, hey, be careful, guys.
You don't want to break anything.
Oh, yes. I do.
Seriously, guys. The palace holds
deep spiritual meaning for the islanders.
Does that mean that it's haunted?
No. On the contrary,
the islanders believe that the palace is a
source of good fortune and positive energy.
Blah, blah, blah.
Where's the lady with the hugs?
Your island awaits you.
( "Summertime" by Aaron Carter
featuring the Baha Men) I've been waiting all year
for just one season The season that reminds me
of palm trees The smell of the ocean breeze
and the sense of bein' free Barbecues and pool parties.
What I call fun Hanging with the honeys
and enjoyin' the sun Spending four hours
just cleaning the Benz So you can cruise down the Boulevard
with your friends Sights on the beach
have got your mind blowin'
Are you carrying me?
You're not going to carry me.
No, I'm good. The girls are making the...
Can you please...?
What a player-hater. You're hating
on me, buddy. Listen, we can share.
Say good night to all of your friends Cuz when tomorrow comes
we'll do it all again So grab your stuff
and let's all go outside Bang your head to this tune in your ride
Leavin' all your cares right behind
For the summertime
- Hey, man.
You look just like this guy who
went to my high school. What's his name?
- My name is Laylo.
- No, Patrick Green.
My name is Laylo.
- Are you sure, man, because...
- (Louis) Donnie!
(squeals) Lay back and unwind.
Cuz nothing else matters For the summertime
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Donnie.
Donnie! Having fun?
This place is the best.
But you want to hear something weird?
I swear that one of the natives
is this guy that went to my school.
Son, we're on an uncharted island.
The last thing you're gonna do
is run into one of your classmates.
Have a grape, son. They're delicious.
Can I serve you in any way?
No. Everyone on the island
has been great.
So you're having a pleasurable time
on our island?
Yet in your eyes there is so much sadness.
Yeah, I was sorta just thinking
You should think of something else.
The smell of the ocean.
The beauty of a flower.
The light from your smile.
You see? Your sadness is gone.
What was that?
Your family is being summoned
for a great honor.
(Chief Tuka) Come feast
on this island delicacy.
Thank you so much
for this delicious-looking worm.
Actually, it's a slug. It's an island delicacy.
Are we really supposed to eat this?
Guys, the elders will be deeply offended
if you refuse their offering.
Well, I suppose it's the least we can do.
That's good slug.
Having trouble getting it down, huh?
I generally try to avoid snacks
that leave a trail of slime.
Yeah, so does Tuka.
I happen to know for a fact
that he has some American munchies
hidden in the palace pantry.
Excuse me, I have to use the facilities.
- Ren, hold my slug.
(Eileen) Where's he going?
If you're not going to finish that...
(mouth full) "Forbidden chamber
of mystery. ""Do not open. " (laughs) Yeah, right.Now, that's a chair. (laughs)(amazed whistle)
I know where I'm spending this vacation.
Footrest? Nice touch.
No, not just a footrest!
(squeals)(whimpers)(bird screeches)(angry shouting)
C- corn Snacky?
- Louis! What have you done?
- Louis, what happened?
I thought it was a footrest!
I didn't know it was a house collapser!
It appears your son
sat on the forbidden throne,
destroyed the sacred royal residence
and put a curse on the entire village.
You don't really believe in all that, do you?
I don't, but they do.
People! Good people of Mandelino.
Mandelino good people.
- Very good people...
- This was just an accident.
Maybe there's some insurance policy
for sacred dwellings or something.
Listen, I think the less
you say now, the better.
Louis, how could you total our house?
It totaled itself.
I swear that's what happened!
Yeah, congratulations, Louis,
you did it again.
Everything that's nice and decent,
you just end up ruining.
Well, at least now
everyone has an ocean view, huh?
People, people, people! Listen, listen!
I think the thing for you to do right now
is to get away from this area immediately.
- What about our luggage?
- Well, officially it's cursed,
so touching it would just
make things worse.
And where are we supposed to live?
Well, I guess you could put together
a little lean-to from this.
- We're supposed to be living in a palace.
- Well, obviously that's not an option.
It's getting dark.
You guys should get started.
Wait a minute. Where are you sleeping?
Well, I have a small hut provided by the
islanders. Only sleeps one... comfortably.
Don't worry, I'll check in on you later
to see if you survive.
All right. Let's not panic. Come on.
We've got a lot of work to do. Let's pitch in.
Get this thing up. That's it. Come on.
You know... this is your fault.
Ren, can we not talk about this?
It was an accident, I'm sorry.
You know, you shouldn't have even
been in there, Louis.
Well, Ren, I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you.
- I am not perfect.
- Really? (snorts)
Ren, let's look at this. You have perfect
grades. You have perfect behavior.
- You have a perfect life.
- You don't know what's going on in my life.
So you had a little boyfriend trouble.
Boohoo, Ren. Life goes on.
You know what?
I do not want to talk about Gil.
And if you were smart,
you'd shut your mouth.
- Well, what if I wasn't smart?
- Hey. Stop it, guys.
We've got enough to deal with without
you two being at each other's throats, OK?
You know what? Louis, you and Donnie
and I will go find some firewood,
and Ren, you and Beans will stay with Dad
and help start the shelter.
- I'd rather eat. You got any more slugs?
- Hey, Beans, we're all hungry.
If we find some food,
we'll pick it up and bring it back.
Donnie. Can you do me a favor, Donnie?
Could you scratch my nose, please?
Can you scratch my nose? Donnie?
Keep it still.
Good news, everyone.
The tribal elders are meeting right now.
And if you go before them
and make a sincere, heartfelt apology,
I'm sure everything is going to be fine.
- Thank goodness. I'll go tell the others.
- No, no, I'm sorry.
Mandelino tradition states that all apologies
must be made in groups of three.
Groups of three. Groups of three.
(drum music)(cries out)
Let the boy speak.
Go ahead, Donnie.
You're stronger than I am.
- OK. OK. Hold on, hold on.
- Get up there.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Speak to fire god.
- What? Oh, the big head?
- (shocked gasps)- The big sacred head.
- (all) Oh.
I'm really sorry
about the whole collapsing palace deal
and I promise
I'll never destroy another palace again.
God of fire will consider your apology.
But first, we feast!
It just doesn't seem right,
eating without the rest of the family.
but it's your only chance for forgiveness.
See, Mom, we're not eating for ourselves,
we're eating for forgiveness.
- It's the right thing to do.
You want to order a pizza?
Put a lid on it, Beans. We're all hungry.
You know, I'm going to go see
what's taking them so long.
Don't stray too far, honey.
Want to go skinny-dipping?
Come on, where are you guys? You were
supposed to be back two... (screams)(hisses)
- Thank you. That was so brave.
- Not so much.
You make face uglier than his,
he runs away.
- Now you're OK?
My brother knocked down our house,
I'm tired and I'm hungry and...
- For you.
- What's this?
It is every shell you walked on
when you first arrived on our island.
From my heart.
Mootai, I'm not ready for this.
Then I will wait.
How can everything be so horrible
and so wonderful all at the same time?
Your troubles may soon be over.
Your mother and brothers
are feasting with the elders right now.
- It is like eating, but with bigger plates.
I know. I thought
they just went out there to get wood.
Come, see with your eyes.
Can you hurry it up? I'm getting cold.
Beans, you can't rush these things.
Making fire is a delicate art.
I made fire! I made fire!
How could they pig out like that
when we're starving?
Your brother eats without chewing.
- (mouth full) You want some?
- I'm going in.
Bad idea. To interrupt a tribal feast
- Isn't that right, Mootai?
- Unforgivable, yes.
I don't understand.
Why didn't they come and get us?
When I mentioned it to your family,
someone said, "More for us. "
Now, who said that? (snorts)
Why am I asking? It was Louis.
I mean, I can understand
Louis selling us out, but Mom and Donnie?
Now, why would they go along with it?
It just doesn't make sense.
Boy. You think you know a person.
Hey. Looks like you got
a little action there, Smoky.
No. Stay away from the fire.
- It's a coincidence.
Mighty goddess of fire.
The Stevens family have apologized.
They have feasted with us.
Are they now worthy of forgiveness?
- Is that good?
- Does it look good?
Well, they've made their decision.
You're going to be shunned.
No, son. "Shunned" is bad.
You've been deemed
unworthy for forgiveness.
No one on the island
can have anything to do with you.
Why don't they just tell us to our faces?
- Because then they'd have to kill you.
- Right. Well, unworthy's good for me.
- Yeah, it's good.
Miles, I want my family
out of here on the next plane.
Absolutely. Seven days from now,
you'll all be heading home.
- (Eileen) Seven days?
That's the next plane.
- (Eileen) Look!
Honey, you built a shelter
and you made a fire.
They smell like pork.
How was your feast?
Don't give me that. I saw it
with my own eyes and it wasn't pretty.
You've got a little something
on your cheek.
- OK. OK.
I wanted to bring everyone, but they said
there was a rule about groups of three.
Really? How convenient.
Hey, Dad. We only ate all the food
so we could be forgiven by Oprah.
I see. And did Oprah forgive us?
Almost. There's a little thing
about being shunned.
I know that sounds great, but it's not.
So we did all the work
and they get all the food. That seems fair.
Do you think we would sell you out
for a dinner?
And flaming dessert?
- I find this completely insulting.
You weren't even gonna tell us about it.
Because I didn't want you to feel bad.
You know, my group ate, yours didn't.
Why would I feel bad? I've provided
plenty of food for this family over the years.
Steve, who says you haven't?
Great. Just what we need. It's raining.
Well, at least I was able
to put a roof over our heads.
OK. Miles, on-air commentary
in five, four, three, two...
Quite a first day
for our unsuspecting vacationers.
They still have no idea that they're on TV.That all of the natives are actors.And that everything that is happening to
them is completely controlled by our crew. Luckily. We know a lot more about them
than they know about us.Thanks to a little help from their friends.
- I think I made a terrible mistake.
- I cannot believe you set them up for this.
Our secret source tipped us off
that Louis. The irrepressible little brother.Could never pass up a "keep out" sign.
Let alone a comfortable chair.
You told them that?
What else did you tell them?
- Oh, nice work.
- I thought it'd be fun.
- Does it look like they're having fun?
Beans. Hold me. Let's pump up the rain a little. Fellas.
- Cue thunder.
- Cue thunder.
(thunderclap)(wails) I wanna go home!
I'm sure you do. But we have
a few more surprises in store for you.
Tune in every day to see if the Stevens
family can survive a week in paradise.
- Poor Ren, how humiliating.
- Well, maybe nobody's watching it.
This summer's most outrageous
new reality show. "Family Fakeout. "I'm your host. Miles McDermott.Saying isn't life funny
when it's not happening to you?Good night.
Yes! Brilliant! I love it, I love it!
Come on, guys.
They're miserable, OK? It's hilarious, right?
Yo, Patrick. Heard you had
a close call with that Donnie kid, huh?
Man, I graduated three years ago.
I can't believe the kid still remembers me.
Forget about it.
- Great show, Miles.
- Excellent show.
- Better than Gotcha?
- Oh, no doubt.Family Fakeout
is the best reality show on TV.
Are you just saying that
because your job depends on it?
No! Of course not.
You are a ten times better host
than that Lance LeBow.
You know, when I was the producer
of Gotcha. I hired Lance LeBow.
- How does he repay me?
- He got you fired.
(woman) That ingrate.
Don't worry, Miles, when the ratings
come out, you'll be on top.
Yeah, I'd better be, or heads are gonna roll.
Now, what do we have for tomorrow?
(man) Hey, Patrick! Close call!
Patrick Green. We need to talk.
Look, I'm sorry that Donnie recognized me.
From now on, I'll keep a low profile,
that's what I'll do.
- I have a better idea. You're fired.
Wait. I just thought of something.
According to our research, Donnie's
not exactly the Einstein of the family.
We could have some fun with this.
What do you think, Miles?
It's adorable. Fix it.
- I hate "adorable. "
- (mimics) "Fix it. "And now it's time for America's favorite
new reality show. "Family Fakeout. "With your host. Miles McDermott. Hi, that's me. I'm Miles McDermott.
Welcome to Family Fakeout.
Thank you for joining us
for our morning edition.
The Stevens family is just waking up.
Yesterday, we knocked down their house,
deprived them of all modern conveniences
and gave them a good soaking to boot.
Let's see how far we can push this family
today before they crack.
Oh, mother of pearl, Beans.
Mother of pearl!
- (Donnie) Oh, wow!
I'm a little gassy in the morning.
(Eileen) What was your excuse
on the plane?
All right, Eileen, this time you and the boys
take care of the fire.
I'll take Ren and Beans
and find us some food.
(Eileen) Good luck. I don't need luck to find food for my family. (Eileen) OK.
Looks like Steve's a little sensitive
According to our research,
he's been out of work for quite a while.
Maybe the fact that Eileen's
been bringing home the bacon
is finally starting to get to him.
I'll see if I can help.
(bird screeches)(elephant trumpets)(goat bleats)(gasps)
Oh, Daddy, we're not gonna kill
that cute little squirrel, are we?
That's not cute. That's breakfast.
Is something wrong?
OK. We're tired, we're hungry
and we just got attacked by a killer squirrel!
Don't worry, guys. I've arranged
for an emergency food drop.
That should get you through the week.
- Oh! Thanks, Miles.
- (plane overhead)
There it is now.
Hey, hey, hey! We're over here.
We're over here! We're over here!
- (Ren squeals)
- (Steve) No!
The wind must've blown it off course.
- The wind's blowing the other way.
- Nice little weatherman you got there.
Looks like you folks
have some mountain climbing to do.
Miles, this isn't exactly familiar territory.
Well, I would ask the islanders
to help you guys,
but whenever I mention your names
they shake with anger.
Come on, you guys can do it.
Just follow these red trail markers.
All right. I should let Eileen know.
Come on, Steve. Do you really need
your wife's help to bring home the bacon?
It's just an expression, Beans.
Well, I got an expression for you, buddy.
OK. Let's go, people.
We've got a family to feed.
Donnie's alone. Cue Laylo.
What are you staring at, man?
You know, you're gonna be late for class.
You are Patrick Green.
What are you doing here?
Don't tell anyone. I'm cutting English.
W- wait. Hold on.
Now the fire is going down.
Where is Donnie with that wood?
You know I didn't mean to knock
the house down on purpose, right?
Yeah, I know, Louis.
Are you mad at me?
You know, I think it might be better
if we just never mention it again.
- I hear you.
- Guys! Guys!
Guys! That native that looked like
Patrick Green? It was Patrick Green.- (Louis) What are you talking about?
- I just saw him!
Well, now, honey, just because someone
slightly resembles someone else...
He was wearing a school sweater.
He was cutting English.
Donnie, this is ridiculous.
Why is everything that I do in this family
If anyone else said it, you'd believe them.
Honey, you're hungry,
you've been in the sun.
Donnie, relax. I mean, this morning
I thought I saw a cheeseburger doing yoga.
- I know what I saw.
- Hey, folks.
I heard a plane before.
You told me that there's not gonna be
another plane here for a week.
It didn't land.
I arranged a food drop for you,
but it missed the beach
and landed in the mountain.
Whatever. Miles, can you sneak us
a meal or something?
Do you realize how much I'm risking
just by talking to you?
- How do we get the food?
- You go to the big rock on the beach,
head into the woods
and then follow the blue trail markers.
Wait, guys. I think we should
wait for Dad and the others.
- No, actually, they already went up there.
- Without telling us?
Well, they did mention something about
you having had enough food last night.
Oh, OK, I get it.
I tell you what, you have one lousy feast
and it's all up in flames!
This'll come in handy.
Guys, they got here first
and ate everything!
I hate payback.
Now it's on.
There it is! Food!
- It's empty!
- (Beans) Somebody ate it all.
Oh, yeah? I'll give you one guess.
Sneaky us. Two trails, two empty crates
and two hungry teams
each thinking the other betrayed them.
- You gotta love it.
- I think it's disgraceful.
I hate this. I can't believe I sold them out.
I told you,
you can't drown your guilt in syrup.
You're right. You're right.
Is this the greatest show
of all time or what?
Ooh, Twitty. You gonna finish those?
Anyway, it's nice to see
that for once the joke's on Louis Stevens.
It's too bad the whole family
has to go down with him.
Twitty, you look like you're full.
I'll finish those for you.
- Come on, bring 'em up.
- Take them. Just...
And the best part is, those lunkheads
think they're halfway around the world.
What did you say?
I said they think they're halfway
around the world.
- Where are they?
Just a couple of miles off the coast.
They flew around in circles
for hours to fool them.
How do you know that?
I went on one of these things called
a website. They got all the inside stuff.
Catalona? We're so close?
If we could just get there
we could tell them what's going on.
All we really need is a boat, right?
- (Twitty) Tom?
- Ahoy, mateys.
What brings you landlubbers
down to the salty brine?
- Speak English, please.
- Oh, excuse me.
Tom, have you been watching
I have, and I must say that I'm appalled
as a sailor and a human being
to see a family that we know and love
being tortured like that.
Although, I did love that frisky squirrel!
Oh, yeah? Me too.
Well, it's all our fault.
- All... my fault. I set them up.
- I'm doubly appalled.
You could help us, Tom,
and you could help Louis.
Well, Louis is my friend.
When it suits him.
And I can accept that. What can I do?
Can you sail this tub to Catalona?
Welcome to Family Fakeout prime time.
This afternoon we wanted to see
how far we could push our family
until they finally cracked.
For the answer, let's take a look
at what our hidden camera saw.
(Donnie) How could you
steal all our food?
As usual, Donnie,
you have everything backwards.
Are you calling me stupid?
No. I am calling you a liar.
You guys had to get back at us, huh?
But we got the evidence.
How do you explain this, Louis?
You stole my food and my shirt?
- Gimme that, you little worm-eating...
- Don't you talk to him like that.
What, is Beansy
your little boyfriend now, Ren?
You do not have a right to talk. You cause
all the trouble and you eat all the food.
OK. Enough. Enough, kids. Stop.
You kids shouldn't fight just because
your father's trying to teach me a lesson.
And what would that be?
Look, Steve, I know that you are upset
since you've been out of work
and that you are trying to prove
to Ren and Beans
- that you can put food in their mouths.
But couldn't you leave
a little something for us?
Don't twist this around. There wasn't
a crumb of food left when we got up there.
It's almost like you're trying
to make me look bad.
- Now you are losing it.
- Don't tell me I'm losing it!
- Don't you yell at me in front of my family.
- It's my family too!
Hold on, hold on. Mom, we don't
need them. We don't need them.
We'll be fine on our own, thank you.
Oh, really? Well you can
sleep out in the rain tonight.
We can and we will!
Looks like things are getting personal
Speaking of which, let's catch up with
our hot young couple, Ren and Mootai.
Ren, known back home
for her boyfriend troubles,
is having a little better luck
here on the island.
- The elders have forbidden me to see you.
- Then you should leave.
- I can't.
- Why not?
Because no mater what they will do to me,
to be away from you would be worse.
Everything is falling apart.
You're the only good thing that's happened
to me since I've been on this island.
I would very much like to kiss you now.
What do you think?
Will Ren let Mootai kiss her?Vote now on family fakeout. Com.
Don't do it, Ren. He's just an actor.
Oh, but he's so cute! Yes, yes, yes!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
I would very much like to kiss you too. But I'm just not ready. I'm so sorry.
Whoa. There's a surprise.
But the week is still young.
Our family may be splitting up, but
Ren and Mootai are definitely heating up.
Blow the man down, matey
Blow the man down
Hey, ho, we'll blow the man down
It's gonna get dark and I'm getting seasick.
So I want a little less singing
and a little more sailing. OK?
Well, excuse me, Benedict Twitty.
Maybe if you don't like a good sea chantey,
you can just take a bus to Catalona.
Oh, I see something!
- I've always wanted to say that.
- So take us in.
Well, with those rocks and those waves,
it looks treacherous.
So I guess this is your stop.
But how do we get on the island?
You can just hop on my dinghy.
- (man) Jason! Way to go, man. All right!
- (cheering and applause)
- Good job, man.
- Nice scene today, kid.
- Thanks, Miles.
- Almost looked like you liked her.
- Well, I do. I mean, my character likes her.
- Miles, the ratings are in.
- All right, let me hear it.
We beat Gotcha by one point.
But not quite satisfying enough.
I want to bury them.
- Tomorrow you gotta get that kiss.
- I think it could happen.
And then after you kiss her, dump her.
OK, we're almost there.
I think that's the worst.
It's OK. I can swim from here.
I'll see you on shore.
Alan, where are you?
Tawny! Hey! Hey!
Hey, let go! What do
you guys think you're...? Hey, let go! Hey!
OK. I'll tell you guys again.
I've never met the Stevens family, OK?
My name is Lawrence Honeytoast,
I'm a marine biologist
and I'm here on top-secret government
business. So, if you'll just let me go...
Wait a minute. You're that Twitty kid
who turned us onto the Stevens family.
Hey, you lied to me, man. You said
this show was fun and it's not. It's cruel.
So all that stuff I told you about?
You can't use it anymore.
I see. Crate him.
Guys! Guys, he said "crate" me.
This is a trailer.
Welcome to Family Fakeout.
When we left the Stevens,
they had split into two angry factions.
I have a feeling
today things can only get worse.
That wasn't so bad. Huh?- We slept on dirt.
- Yeah. So?
What's for breakfast?
Same as yesterday.
A big skillet full of nothing.
Stop being so negative all the time.
Wait a second.
- A peanut!
- Let's divide it.
Hold on, hold on.
- Careful, Mom.
- I know.
Mom, can I get
the little stubby tail right there?
You'll get what she gives you.
It's my peanut
and you don't even like the tail, so stop!
Stop it. We will each get a third and then
we will save the stubby little tail for dessert.
Fine. Whatever. Let's just eat it.
I want my peanut!
Dad, wake up.
- Ren, what is it?
- The fire's out.
That's impossible. I was stoking it all night.
Hey, Beans, you know
what happened to this fire?
Let's see. I woke up
and I had to go to the bathroom...
Oh, that is gross.
- Well, I hope you're satisfied, Ren.
- Me? What did I do?
You brought the kid along.
On a lousy vacation
that you forced us to go on.
You couldn't wait to get out of town
after what’s his name broke up with you.
Ren, I'm sorry.
- I hate this family.
Steve, wait. She probably
just needs some time.
You're probably right. What?
I wanna go home.
All I can say is one day very soon
you will be home with your family
and it will seem as though
none of this was real.
- What's he saying?
- I don't know.
No. The only thing I want to be real is you.
OK. That's better. That's better.
I wish that we were
the only ones on this island.
That nothing else existed.
That is how I feel when I am with you.
The other day...
it's not that I didn't want to kiss you.
I just don't want to get hurt again.
I do not want to hurt you.
I believe you.
Bunch of saps.
Their love is so pure.
That is so beautiful.
Gee, maybe you forgot...
it's not real.
Who cares? It's so romantic.
I can't do this.
- What's wrong?
- I'm supposed to break up with you.
I was afraid of this. Code red. Code red.
Get Tuka in there and get Mootai out.
- Look, you need to know.
- (Chief Tuka) Argh! Mootai! Mootai!
- This is forbidden.
- Mootai. Get him out of here. Quick, quick.
- Why are you doing this?
Why can't you just leave us alone?
- Blame it on her brother Louis.
- This is Louis' fault.
What? What does he have to do with this?
Uh... That is good question.
Just say Louis told you they were meeting.
He's to blame for everything.
Your brother told us
about your secret meetings with Mootai.
He is to blame for all your unhappiness.
(feedback)(Patrick. Laughing) Dude,
I got this Donnie cat totally freaked out.
He don't know
whether he's going or coming.
Dude, dude, take it easy. This stuff's
gonna be here all day, OK? All day.
It is? Sweet.
Looks like Ren has picked up the trail.
There you are. Little squirrel. Just give Daddy back his peanut. All right?Oh! Not in the trees!
This is gonna be sweet.
I'll show you sweet.
Hey. What's going on?
- She was just getting ready to nail him.
- Everything's dead.
Now that's sweet.
Oh, man. It was just getting good.
(TV voiceover) Please stand by. Hi. Cynthia Mills here. What could be more festive
for the holidays than your own... - Ripoff.
- ... hand-painted Easter eggs?(chant) Ripoff! Ripoff! Ripoff!
Get us back on the air.
- Miles? It's the Twitty kid.
- He's missing.
I bet he has something to do with this.
You find him.
- Great idea!
- You always know exactly what to do.
(commotion)- (Miles) I didn't have any sound anywhere.
- (man) I'll get it back!(man ) I can't hear anything!(Miles) Get somebody
on that satellite now, I tell you, now.(man ) Hey! Where's my costume?(both scream)
(squirrel snarls. Donnie screams)
What are you doing here?
No, no, no. Not again. Not again.
You're not cutting class, right?
I don't know. I have this horrible headache
and I don't know how I got here.
- OK. You're coming with me.
So this time people will believe me.
I guess I'm just overly sensitive
about this whole job.
Well, the fact that we're starving
on an island in the middle of nowhere,
that could have something to do with it.
You know, this couldn't have been a worse
vacation if somebody'd planned it this way.
(Steve) So Miles gave you
the impression we wanted all the food?
Yes, and when we got there
everything was empty.
Same with us. So what happened to it?
(Beans) There was never any food.
I would've smelt it.(Steve) You know what?
I think he would've.(Eileen) You think Miles knew?
I don't know. It seemed like
he was always trying to help us.
Yeah, but every time he tried to help us,
things got worse.
- OK. How do you explain this?
- What are you doing here?
- I don't know.
That's why I'm asking -
how do you explain this?
- There was something I had to tell Louis.
- Where's Louis?
- And Ren?
- Hey, guys. Look what I found.
- I thought this island didn't get cable.
- That's what Miles said.
Miles said a lot of things.
Wait, Miles McDermott?
How do you know Miles McDermott?
It's all coming back to me.
He's on television...
The host of Family Fakeout.
Never heard of it.
You haven't? It's the hottest new show.
Everybody watches it.
- We don't.
- You don't?
Of course not.
Because you're on it right now.
(whispers) There are cameras
watching you everywhere you go.
It makes sense now. It was all a setup.
OK, everybody watching out there,
I knew about it all along.
This is not funny.
This is cruel and humiliating.
OK. Joke's over. You can come out
and have a good laugh now.
- Not you.
Where is everybody?
How long does it take to reconnect
a few lousy cable wires? You're fired!
You're fired! You're fired! You're fired!
You're all fired!
Who are you? You're fired! Fired! Fired!
There is no Mandelino.
You guys are on Catalona.
That's right off the coast.
I feel like such a jerk.
Now you know how I felt
when I told you about Patrick Green.
You're so right, son. I'm sorry.
If we would have believed you,
we would have saved all this trouble.
Hey, guys. Over there.
I bet he knows where Miles is.
Don't let him get away, Donnie.
Hey! You with the skirt.
- Where is he?
- Where's who?
I'm really sorry. Do you guys hate me?
Alan, we could never hate you.
- What did you do?
Just came by to help.
After I sold you guys out.
What, you're saying
you know we're on TV?
Actually, right now you're not.
They should be off the air for a little while.
I did some serious scrambling down there.
Well, that's good, because
as embarrassing as this was for us,
we still have a chance
to show them that they didn't win.
- That this is a family that sticks together.
- That's right.
- So you forgive me?
- I didn't say that.
Twitty, what was the last thing
people saw on TV?
You were scratching yourself
with a stick for a long time.
- What else?
- Beans was smelling a beetle. Oh...
And Ren was trying to kill Louis.
So are we gonna
get these suckers or what?
Oh, we're gonna get 'em, but first
we gotta get to Ren and Louis. Come on!
(Miles) I want to know
who was guarding that Twitty kid
and how he got into the video truck.
(Keith) We got picture,
we can go back on the air.
All right, people. Let's go, let's go.
You don't have any people.
You fired everyone.
All right, you're rehired, you're rehired,
you're rehired. Let's go, people.
If there's any justice in this world,
Ren hasn't caught up with Louis yet.
Come on, let's go. Get them on camera.
Frankly. I prefer wonderful dual tones. Now. Your egg will want to have
a pair of little bunny ears. And now you can hear me say
how cute you are. Hey. We're back. Sorry for the technical difficulties. But
that's what makes a live show so exciting.
- What about the bunny ears?
I mean, thank goodness that's over.
Before our break, Louis was hunting
a squirrel and Ren was hunting Louis.
- Keith, where are those kids?
- I don't know.
Well, this might be a good time
to examine the natural beauty of the island.
- The flowers, the trees...
- We found them.
Later for nature,
let's get back to the action.
Oh, Louis, I know you're out there.
Looks like Ren is ticked off.
I wouldn't want to be Louis right now.
- Ren has totally lost it.
- No, not Ren. She's always in control.
There's a lot of rage there.
Little squirrel meat...
I just want a little squirrel meat...
Just a leg or thigh.
You can keep all your arms.
I really liked Mootai. But you
just couldn't stand to see me happy.
- Ren, what are you talking about?
- You ruined my life.
The day you were born.
Ren. Uh, Ren, your shoe's on fire.
You can run, but you can't hide.
You go, girl. That's right.
(war cry. Squealing)
Miles, what if she hurts him?
We're responsible for these people.
Relax, OK? She's not gonna hurt him.
I'm gonna hurt you. Louis. (war cry echoes)This is it, Louis.
There's nowhere left to run. (hisses)
This is better than wrestling.
OK, Ren, stop. Stop. Stop, stop, stop.
Oh, I can't tell you
how long I've waited for this day.
Wait a little bit longer, please.
Great news! I just spoke to the tribal elders.
to forgive your family.
You hear that, Ren? See? Everything's
great now. Great news. Thank you.
- See? All's well that ends well, right?
- The only thing that's gonna end is you.
OK. Ren, you know I'm afraid of heights.
We've been looking all over for you.
- Ren! What are you doing?
- I'm about to solve the Louis problem.
(Miles) I'm glad you're here.
Ren's a little upset.
This is the perfect time to tell you
that you're on the new reality show
called Family Fakeout.
Yeah, that's a nice try, Miles,
but it's too late.
We're a million miles from nowhere
and if one of us disappeared,
nobody would know!
- I'd know.
Miles is telling the truth,
it's just a silly TV show.
- I don't believe you!
- Ren, listen, please.
We just found out. We've been
trying to find you guys to tell you.
You know what, I know what you're doing.
You're trying to protect Louis.
You're always trying to protect Louis.
Well, you know what?
I can't take it anymore! (shrieks)
Miles, this is all your fault!
(sobs) I'm so sorry.
It wasn't supposed to end this way.
Nobody was supposed to get hurt.
Miles McDermott, this is Lance LeBow
and I just dropped in to say:
"Gotcha," on your own show!
- (Steve) Ataboy, Louis.
- How did...?
Yeah! Well, I jumped into a big old net,
just like we planned it.
Good catch, guys.
Hey, very convincing, sis.
I had a lot of practice, bro.
- I gotta admit, that was pretty cool.
- Aw, they didn't fool me for one second.
OK. I think we've had enough fun
for one day. Why don't we get back to that Easter thing
that we were having so much fun with?Or you can flip the channel
and watch us live on "Gotcha. "A little bunny tail for its little bunny bun.
Oh!And it can also be used as a powder puff. For those of you who are just tuning in.Let's hear about how we made a total fool
of my old friend Miles on his own show. Is this really necessary?
You see, Miles, we may argue sometimes,
but it takes more than a cheesy TV show
to rip this family apart.
- Yeah. Right on.
- Yeah!Yeah. We figured out everything. Miles.
Except the fire god. I mean. How'd you get
Oprah to turn against us?It's OK. Sweetheart. We're gonna
get you some nourishment real soon.
You know, we put this prank together
in a mater of just a couple of hours,
thanks to family friends
Alan Twitty and Tawny Dean.
Now, what prompted you two
to call Gotcha with this great prank?Guilt and shame. I would just like to saythat embarrassing innocent people on TV
for fun and profit is one of the lowest... - OK. OK.
- Will you let me speak?Thank you. Kids. Now. Miles.
I bet you're wondering, how did
the Stevens family turn the tables on you?
No. Not really. I've got
to get back to the studio. - What for? Your career's over.
- That's true. You see. People. When we found Ren.
She had Louis trapped in a tree.Convinced he was the cause
of everything that went bad on this island. When we told the kids it was a setup.
They put aside their differencesand we all came up with this little charade. Hey. Lance. Get a shot
of those little scamps. Will you?- Aren't they lovable? They're adorable.
- Stop. Louis. Look.
- Can I go now?
I'll give you a three-second head start.
Remember, folks, watch us next week on...
Plane's here. Ready to go?
Yeah, I guess so.
- You OK?
Look, I'm really sorry
about blaming you for everything.
Look, I'm your brother.
I love messing with you.
But I would never do anything to hurt you.
- I know.
- Hey, we made a pretty good team though.
- We made an awesome team.
We had Miles crying like a baby.
Well, it's going to be
the highlight of my summer.
Well, summer's not over.
Might meet a nice guy
or something? Huh?
No. I'm not having that much luck
in that department.
Well, forget about luck. What about Jason?
He's a nice guy. End your business,
all right? Talk to him. Later.
- Ren, I am so sorry about all this.
- I know. It's OK.
You're an actor, you know?
It's your job. You were doing your job.
And you tried to warn me.
The thing is, I wasn't acting.
What does that mean?
I really care about you.
- I gotta go.
- Can I see you again?
You can consider that a "yes. "
- Say goodbye to Jason?
- Yeah. For now.
You know, this time
you didn't ruin things so bad.
All right, too much love.
Everybody get on the plane. Let's go.
Where's Mom and Dad? Mom, come on.
Hey, you know what? If there's
not enough room, I could swim home.
Don't worry, Twitty, we forgive you.
- Yeah, but you're sitting with Beans.
I'm feeling a little gassy.
I hope the windows open.
Want to sit right here next to Papa?
Boy, it really could've been beautiful.
I think it was.
"How we spent our summer vacation. "
By Beans Arengaren. Donnie went off to college.Where he excelled in football.
Baseball and philosophy. (laughs)Just kidding about the philosophy. Mr. Stevens got a new job
at a great law firm. He was bringing home the bacon again. Unfortunately. That's just an expression. Louis got back
to his ultra-loungematic superchair. But he still has some things to work out. Ren and Mootai.
Whose real name is Jason.Became inseparable. Yuck!As for me. I spent plenty of quality time
with my favorite family. (all scream)
- What's for dinner?
- I thought I changed the locks.
- Mom, this kid scares me.
- Get out, Beans.
- Who invited him?
- Silly question - Louis.
- Hold on, why is everything my fault?
- Because it always is.
- You can't blame everything on me.
- (arguing)( "Dream Vacation"
by Jim Wise and John Coda)
I'm done with school today
I'm gonna get away
I'm leaving now, to be precise
Don't that sound nice?
It's time to take it easy
In a place warm and breezy
A little piece of paradise
It's summertime and we're having fun
It's party time for everyone
Walking on the beach at night
Holding hands, it feels right
Looking for a shooting star
Crank up that guitar
Crank up that guitar
Crank up that guitar
I want a
It's summertime and we're having fun
It's party time for everyone
It's summertime and we're having fun
It's party time for everyone