An Evening With Kevin Smith Script - Dialogue Transcript

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An Evening With Kevin Smith Script



Kevin Smith directed and acted

in his New Jersey Chronicles:



Clerks, Mallrats,

Chasing Amy, Dogma...



...and the final chapter,

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.



Smith presents his own lens through

which we may view the world.



And although it's not

always rose-colored...



...we learn a new way

to examine spirituality...



...sexuality and human relationships.

Give it up for Kevin Smith!



Are there signs that say "applause"?



'Cause I don't think I've ever

gotten a reaction like that.



Reaction like that makes up for every

chick ever said I had a small dick.



We'll just sit here until you're quiet

and then make up the time afterwards.



Are we starting on this side?

Is that why the camera's in his face?



- First one of the night, dude.

- First question: What's a Nubian?



No, I'm just...

I'm kidding.



I'm sure that's a first.



Not for nothing, but I will

do the fucking jokes here.



Well, there went all my questions.



Actually I got a lot.

But big question right now...



I haven't heard the answer before.

You've probably stated it.



You're Silent Bob in the movies.



You wrote and directed. Why give

yourself the Marcel Marceau part?



I'm sorry. I stopped listening.



Why give myself

the Marcel Marceau part?



I would think it's obvious.

I can't really act.



Which is why I wrote a movie

in which I was the lead.



Because this is America,

damn it, you know.



It happened by accident.



I'd written the role

of Randal to play myself...



...back when I wrote Clerks...



...which is why he has the best jokes.

As we got closer to production...



...I was like, "Who am I kidding?

I can't act. I can't memorize dialogue.



Who can memorize this in particular?"

There's a lot of dirty words in it.



So I gave the part to Jeff Anderson,

a dude I'd went to high school with...



...who'd never shown any interest

in acting and was perfect for it.



And I said, "If this is the only flick

I'm gonna make, I wanna be in it...



...because I want to be able to look back

years from now when I'm still paying...



...$      in credit card debt,

get really drunk with my friends...



...and be like, 'Remember

the worst mistake of my life?



The one I'm still paying for?



Here it is. I'm in it.

Wait, here it comes.



Look at that jackass."'



I at least wanted to be in it.

So I was like, "What's left?"



I said, "Silent Bob." I'd written the

part for a friend, Michael Bellicose...



...and he wound up as the guy who

comes to the counter, and Dante's like:



"My girlfriend sucked    dicks."



And he says, "In a row?"



That's the guy.

You guys are easy.



I'm just, like, gonna

read from my scripts.



Then on page    in Chasing Amy,

Banky said this.



He was supposed to be Silent Bob.

I'd written it for him.



I thought he'd look good next to Mewes.

Mewes is thin and always moving...



...and Mike's the opposite.



Then I said, "Wait a second.

I'm way bigger than Mike.



I'm way less mobile and way stockier."



I said, "I don't have

to memorize dialogue...



...and I'll look good standing

next to Mewes."



Plus Mewes was not real reliable

when it came to acting.



So I could stand there and pinch him.

If you look at Clerks...



...and the other movies,

we stand closely in Clerks...



...and sometimes

you see me going like:



He's like:



"Snoogins." You know.



Because really, it is kind of like

two steps away from:



So I did it because I wanted to

be in it and not do dialogue...



...having no idea that I'd be

so bereft of original ideas...



...that I'd keep those characters

coming back.



I wrote Jay for Jason Mewes

because I wanted to see him act...



...and I thought he was funny and wanted

to see if others would find him funny.



Then I jumped in, and I said...



..."This is it. It's one time I'll be in

the flick. We may not make another."



Then we kept going, and I kept bringing

back the characters because...



...l'm not very creative and

because Jason Mewes is very funny.



So I kept coming back with him.

You don't want to split them up.



So I just kind of, you know,

stepped into it quite by accident.



Well, thanks. And on behalf

of all big men everywhere...



...doing a good job!



Don't lump me in with you.



I can say I'm fat.

When you say it, it's insulting.



I've been watching his movies for

a long time. I love all of them.



I saw Mallrats first.

I fell in love with him after that.



The first thing I saw was

Mallrats, and it was funny.



I connected to it

for some reason.



I love his dialogues in his movies,

like the random rampage people go on.



Especially in Clerks.



Me and my buddy Jay here have spent

a lot of time mentoring ourselves...


            the ways of Jay and Silent Bob.



It's... Ever since, you know...

Clerks is really where we started off.






It's a whole new breed and a whole

new era of movie-making...



...that he's brought on and everything

from Jersey has been wonderful.



Kevin, thanks.

It's been a great ride.



Do you think that this guy

looks like you over here?



That guy?



That's Nathan and Gene. I'm in a

sketch-comedy group with them...



...and we also wanted to know

if you wanna hang out after...



...maybe go home and drink some beer.

Got a big house...



Yeah, especially after that. Yeah.



You guys had a little shtick going on.



That was cute. Got right up and went,

"You be Jay, I'll be Silent Bob."



That's tremendous.



Don't ever fucking do that again.



That routine is copyrighted.



Does the cat look like me?

A little bit.



How short's your hair?

Take your hat off.



I would never wear a sweater like that.



I guess it's easy to look like me.



Just pack on, like,     pounds,

grow a beard.



But can you do this?






Fuck. Because I was hoping

to go out and get a cigarette.



I figured you could take over

since we look so much alike.



Is that it?



Do you wanna hang out after?

We're gonna be...



...drinking some beer and

smoking some tobacco.



Like, fuck, no. No.



No. After the show,

I go home and go to sleep.



- Why? What?

- We're gonna have fun.



- I can give you our phone number after.

- All right. Stick around.



- Okay. Thanks.

- Wait a second. Why "oh"?



Like, am I supposed to get stoned,

fuck a sheep, something like that?



I wanted to thank you for coming here.

I got fired from my job so I could come.



- Get out of here. What a waste of time.

- I'm dead serious.



Where did you work?



It's a Italian restaurant.

I was busing.



- Really?

- Yeah.



- Want me to call your boss?

- Yeah!



- I'll get you the number.

- All right.



- Okay.

- Write it down and bring it up here.



"This is Kevin Smith."




"It's Silent Bob, man."




What's his number?



Come up.



- What's the number?

- Right, the number is  - - ...



- That's the area code?

- Yeah.



 - ...



- Ask for...

- Shut up.



- Tara's working...

- Get him on the phone.



And then I'll talk to him. Go.



Like to help when I can.



Amy, hey, this is Matt.

Is Tara or Teresa still there? Okay.



They're about to come on.



- Which one?

- I don't know.



- They'll say.

- What's your name?



Matt. Brown.



- Lf this works, I want    percent.

- All right.



Hey, Tara, this is Kevin Smith.

I'm here with... What's his name?



- Matt Brown.

- Matt Brown?



A dude who used to work there

until tonight?



He wanted me

to smooth things over.



He's in a room with about   ...

    ?      people.



Sorry. And he said that he had to...



- Did you quit or get fired?

- A little of both.



He said his job's in jeopardy

because he came...



...and he wanted me to ask

you if you could keep him on.



- No?

- No!



They're turning on you, Tara.



Are you sure? Are you sure?



- Thank you.

- No?



Thanks a lot. Anyway.



I just... I have no juice whatsoever.



We're all proud to have Kevin

here as part of the Clark community.



I ignored my Jewish duty

to be here tonight.



I'm a huge fan of Kevin Smith and his

films and his comic books he's written...



...with Green Arrow and Daredevil.



I read on your website how you

had just finished Jersey Girl...



...and it was, I wanna say,     pages...



...and how you were thinking

of doing that with Affleck...



...but he was doing Daredevil

and there was stuff going on...



- There was static.

- There we go.



I was wondering

if you could tell me about it.



- Elaborate?

- Lf you could.



- I think you had all the details.

- Okay.



Back in...

On the Fourth of July I went to...



I was in Los Angeles

working on Jay and Bob...



...and we went to Affleck's house

for Fourth of July.



He's a big fan of Chasing Amy.



Still is, to this day.

He liked playing the Holden part.



He wants me to write

something like that again.



He's like, "Write something like

Chasing Amy again. You've gotta.



Who else could write it?

You've gotta. Fuck! Write it."



And I'm just like, "Motherfucker,

one of us won an Oscar for writing."



I started telling him about

this idea for a movie...



...which would become Jersey Girl.



He's like, "I love it. Write it."

I said, "I will.



When do you wanna do it?"

He said, "April."



I said, "Yeah. April's good."



It was July, and we had a few months.



I'd written    pages, and I sent them

to him, and he fell in love with it...



...because I'm like a pusher.

You know, the first taste is free.



And then you have to pay for the rest.



And how he pays is

we make him work very cheap.



He earns $    million a picture...



...but we bring him on and pay him

about $    an hour.



Around the same time...



...there's a dude named Mark Steven

Johnson who's directing Daredevil.



He'd been hanging around while

we were shooting the movie.



He said, "Who could play Daredevil?"

And I said, "Affleck."



'Cause that's my answer for everything.

I think Affleck could play...



I'm a big fan, so I think he can play

anything. If people are like, "Jaws  ?"



I'm like, "Affleck.

Affleck plays the fucking shark."



So I was like, "Affleck."

He said, "You think?"



I said, "He'd be great.

He'd dye his hair red."



Because Matt Murdock,

Daredevil, is a redhead.



I said, "He'd be great, and he's a fan.



He wrote the intro to the

Daredevil paperback I did."



I told Affleck, "There's a dude

checking if you wanna play Daredevil."



He's like, "I love Daredevil. "

I said, "That's what I told him."



He said, "What'd you say?"

I said, "You should play it."



He said, "Why?" I was like,

"I think you should play everything."



"Like, even the shark from Jaws?"

"Yes, the shark from Jaws. "



So they hooked up, and they

kind of dug each other...



...and soon Affleck called me

and was just like...



..."I'm doing it. I'm gonna put on

the red tights and have the horns."



I was like, "It couldn't be any more

embarrassing than Pearl Harbor. "



I said, "When do you start?"

He goes, "April."



I said, "That's when

we're doing Jersey Girl. "



He said, "We can wait on Jersey Girl.



I do Daredevil,

I get paid my big nut...



...and then we go do Jersey Girl,

and you pay me $    an hour."



I said, "I don't know, man, I think

we should do Jersey Girl first."



He's like, "Don't get upset."

I said, "I'm not upset, but fair's fair."



He's like,

"You recommended me."



"I didn't know it would coincide

with Jersey Girl.  Fuck Daredevil. "



Because I'll turncoat real quickly.



At this point, I haven't even written

more than    pages...



...but I insist that we go in April,

even though I'm not done.



So two weeks go by, and he calls.

I'd let word leak out through Miramax...



...that we were gonna go in April

with or without Ben.



He calls and is like, "You'll shoot

with somebody else? That's for me."



I said, "But you're gonna put

on the tights, so fuck you."



He said, "How we gonna work this out?"



I said, "I'm going in April, and

if you're there, great.



If not, no hard feelings.

Go do Daredevil.



But I want to do something in April.

I want to do this movie."



He's like, "Jesus Christ.

Look, if you...



If you're saying you want me

to do Jersey Girl in April...



...and you want me to

pass on Daredevil, I will."



I was just like, "Well, if we

move the movie to the summer...


            have to promise to take far,

far less than you normally take."



And he was just like,

"God. Fine, dude. If that'll do it."



I said, "Excellent.

That means a lot to me."



Then there's a long pause, and he's

putting shit together in his mind...



...and he goes, "You didn't finish

writing the fucking script yet, did you?"



And I said, "Nope, sucker. Goodbye."



I'm excited.



I have a couple of

great questions for him.



I really like Mallrats.



He uses a large vocabulary and

manages to get obscenities in there too.



When we called up the activity board,

we said we'd be shooting at Kent State.



They were like, "Bullshit!



We went through that shit

once before. Never again!"



That's a tough thing. That'll always be

associated with this school.



They'll never live it down.

The shooting.



It's a horrible thing,

but it's kind of like Germany.



Kent State's not like Germany,

but I went to Germany...



...with one of the flicks, and they're

nice people, but when you get there...



...the first thing, you're like,

"Where's the concentration camps?



We want to see the camps where you

slaughtered many people. Where?"



They're like, "They're here,

but we're Germans...



...we make cars and culture, beer.

I'm sure you like beer.



Wouldn't you like to see

any of that?"



We're like,

"Just the concentration camps.



We want to see the biggest colossal

blunder of any culture, anywhere.



Take us." They're like,

"All right, get in the fucking car."



There's always an older person,

like the cab driver.



And you're like, "Were you around?"



The dude's like   .



And he's like, "No, but my grandparents

were. They were alive."



"Well, did they know? Were they

in trouble? Tell us. What? More!"



The guy's like...

He's heard it a zillion times.



"They teach it in school, and then we go

accuse our grandparents of atrocities."



I think that's what he said.

I can't understand German.



I'm sure he was just like,

"Shut the fuck up, fat American."



That's a tough thing to live down.

One day somebody from Kent State...



...will cure cancer, and it'll be,

"At Kent State we cured cancer."



And they'll be like, "Yeah, but didn't

you have those shootings there?"



I'm hoping for mass carnage

and orgies and chaos.



It'll be weird to hear him talk

for more than two seconds at a time.



He doesn't say much in the movie, but

when he does, everyone turns and looks.



There are questions I wanna ask.



- Gotta love the dialogue in Clerks.

- Mallrats.  Much better.



- How come?

- More lowbrow humor. I love that.



- Third nipple's awesome.

- Dick and fart jokes.



I hope Jay shows up.

They do some crazy stuff.



I was supposed to have

somebody with me today.



However, fucking moron

missed his plane.



But I brought the phone

so we can call him.



Bear with me.



- See you later, man.

- Get off the cell phone!



How much you guys pay for this?



- Hello.

- Hello. Hold on.



I'm in... I'm in fucking Wyoming.



You should see it. It's desolate.



What's up?



I'm driving out here,

there's nobody on the road.



It was like the opening

of Mallrats.  Nobody.



That's why I didn't go.



I'm gonna count to three...


            say, "Hello, Wyoming."

Ready? One, two, three.



What up, Wyoming?



Don't cheer too loud.

He missed his fucking plane.



Explain to these people why

you're not here. On three.



- Jay, you fucking stoner!

- One, two, three.



I missed the plane, man.

I overslept. I was getting ass.



- You're not supposed...

- You fucking asshole!



Somebody just called you a

fucking asshole. Kick his ass, dude.



You can't miss shit like this, dude.



When they put "Jay and Silent Bob"

on the marquee, you have to show up.



Fuck that.



- We fire people for this kind of thing.

- What are you talking about?



What up? Look at that.

Look at that sign.



We tricked them, dude.



Who called me an asshole?



- Who called me the asshole?

- That dude over there.



What's up, dude? What's up?



So that was our little bit

for the evening.



It was good.



You can see we're such great actors

they gave us our own movie once.



And that'll never happen again.



- My name is Erin Guy.

- Hi.



- Hi, how you doing?

- I'm good.



I'm very well, thank you.



- Two questions.

- Yes.



One, how did you come up with

the characters Jay and Silent Bob?



- Yes.

- And two, are either of you married?



To each other?

Because it feels like it.



How did I come up with Jay and

Silent Bob? It came from Mewes.



Growing up...

Watching Mewes grow up, rather...



All right, chill the fuck out.

Get the microphone, come on down.



You can be on camera, don't sit

pussy back and be like, "Yeah!"



Basically, Jay and Silent Bob

came from knowing Jason Mewes.



When I went off to film school

in Canada, I said:



"I'm gonna come back and

put you in a movie."



He said, "Okay." At that point, he was

straight edge. He wore the black X.



- And he was just like no...

- Bullshit!



Exactly. This:



No booze, no drugs,

no cigarettes, no women.



The women thing confused me.

Straight edge, I understand, is...


            booze, no drugs, no cigarettes.



But most straight edge people

fucked, except for this guy.



Since he didn't fuck, he was like,

"Well, no, they're no good either."



Because he wasn't getting laid.



But he would talk about pussy

incessantly. All the time.



Like, "I'm gonna get that pussy.

I'm gonna lick it, I'm gonna do this."



You look at him, and you're like, "You

haven't seen pussy since you were born!"



You could tell, because

he talked a good game...



...but as soon as a girl was around,

he'd fucking clam up.



And he'd get on his stone face.

His "I am Mewes," very cool face.



He'd be like,

"I'm gonna lick that pussy."



The girl would be coming over here.

He's like, "I'm gonna lick..."



This used to be... He doesn't do it now.

This used to be his cool face.



With the eyes affixed

to whoever he was studying.



But looking this way

and they were that way.



It was a peripheral thing.

Then the girl would walk past him.



Then the moment she was out

of his peripheral and earshot...



...he'd be like,

"I'm gonna lick that pussy."



So he talked a good game, and then

I left for Vancouver and came back.



I dropped out after four months,

but I was gone for a total of six.



By the time I came back,

he was completely debauched.



Like, you know,

the straight X was long gone.



And the "no women" thing was

also long gone.



If he had a belt that was notched...


            would be like the fucking

Chewbacca belt around his body.



Because he's like the Wilt Chamberlain

of indie film. He's fucked a lot.






When I came back,

he was a little different...



...but I wrote Jay based

on who he was when I left...



...who he was when he was younger.

The weird sonic boom with dirt on it.



- Thanks.

- How long have you known each other?



- Thanks.

- How long have you known each other?



Obviously, a long time,

but I don't follow up.



I'm not like, you know,

a connoisseur, but...



I love your guys'

movies and everything...



But... No... Okay, I'm

digging a hole here, so...



Just deep.



- It's like    years.

- Yeah.



You don't have to be a connoisseur

to know that, though.



I met him through my friends

Bryan and Walter at the Rec Center.



I worked with them for a year...



...and then I left. And they told me

these stories about Mewes...



...who everybody kind of knew,

but didn't know.



He was younger than us,

but you saw him in town.



He was the town's kid, the kid of

urban legend or suburban legend.



"There's Mewes. He broke the

fucking window at Katz's."



Or, "Here's the Mewes kid.

I hear he fucked a dog."



- Did you really fuck the dog?

- Only once.



I didn't know him, and Bryan and Walter

would tell me stories about him.



They're like, "He's so funny.

He says these funny things.



He's really fucking weird and funny."



I didn't like that, 'cause I was their new

funny friend, so I was kind of territorial.



We'd go to comic book shows,

and I'd drive to the city...



...because they were too pussy

to drive to the city.



One day Bryan and Walter

showed up with Mewes.



I said, "What's this? What's with

the kid? What, are you babysitting?"



They said, "We're gonna bring him.

He loves comics, take him to the show.



Make fun of the people there. Not us."



I said, "I'm not bringing

a minor across state lines."



The show was in New York.

Bryan was like, "I'll drive."



Mewes is the kind of asshole

that's like, "Shotgun!"



He jumps in the front, and I'm crammed

in the back. What was it, a Firebird?






With my knees

up to my fucking ears...



...and he's in the front:



"Snootch. Snoogins."



And Bryan and Walter are like:



I'm in the back, like,

"He ain't so fucking funny."



Bryan and Walter lost interest in him,

and he started coming over to my place.



He'd knock, and I'd go

out and be like, "What?"



And he'd be like, "You want to do

something today?"



I was like, "No."



I said, "We share friends,

but we're not friends.



We're both friends

with Bryan and Walter.



I know you live around the block,

but we don't hang out."



He's like, "All right, all right.

So, what do you want to do?"



I said, "If you really want to hang out,

come with me to the store...



...Quick Stop,  :   Sunday morning.

We'll make papers."



You ever make papers?



The Sunday newspapers

come in, like, five sections.



You have to put them together.

We had five Sunday papers...



...which was a lot.



You have     of each, so you're

doing this for hours upon end.



- That job sucks!

- Terrible, isn't it?



- Yes.

- This one's not much better.



I'd asked Bryan and Walter

to go, and they're like, "Fuck you."



" :   Sunday morning, it'll be fun."

They were like, "No."



But Mewes, I was like,

"You want to hang out?



Come down to the store.

I'll give you $ .  ."



He was like, "All right."

So he'd come down.



We'd stack some of them

on the ice cream case...



...that Dante and Randal sit on in

Clerks when he's doing the salsa shark.



We'd stack them there, and Mewes

would sleep on the freezer case.



Mewes is a horrible fucking sleeper.

When he sleeps, he drools like a child.



Here's this dude sleeping

with his mouth open...



...tons of liquid pouring out

onto the freezer case and freezing.



So he had this icicle thing going on.

Then people would get papers...



...and as the piles got lower

and lower, he'd show up.



So somebody would be like,

"What the fuck!"



We started hanging out that way

and bonded.



The day that I realized he was a

comedic genius without knowing it...



...hopefully he still doesn't know it...



...was the day that Walter and I

were in the Rec Center...



...the kids hadn't come in yet...



...and it's all quiet and the door

fucking gets kicked open.



Mewes marches in like Groucho Marx

and fellates anything somewhat phallic.



So if there's a pool cue,

he's sucking it off.



Grabs the phone,

sucks it off.



Grabs the flag,

takes the eagle off, sucks it off.



Everything, going...

Sucking everything in the room off.



Walter and I are watching

him go, just like:



He never looked at us for approval.



Like, "This is funny.

I'm sucking everything off."



Almost like he didn't know

we were there or didn't care.



Like, he had an agenda. I always

pictured him walking around town going...



..."It's  :  . I better go to the Rec

and suck everything off."



He does this for    minutes,

then reaches...



We had an Asteroids machine,

which, if you remember...



...has a roller ball instead

of a joystick.



And he fucking stops dead.

Because there's no joystick.



And me and Walter are like:



You know, 'cause what's a guy to do?

He ran out of phallic symbols.



And he shrugged, and he went

down on the roller ball.



So I said, "This is a dude

I wanna hang out with forever."



Because A: He's pretty funny.

B: He looks like he sucks a lot of dick.



For them slow nights,

that's a good guy to have around.



It's like, "No chicks.

We saw all the movies.



Wanna suck my dick?"



"All right, moves."

We've been hanging out for    years.



- Cool.

- Okay.



- Thanks for coming.

- Thanks for having.



In the comics and the movies,

does Jay's tiny dick...



...and latent homosexuality come

from his escapades at the Rec Center?



Or is there something else

behind that?



- You're writing the shit.

- Yeah.



- What are you writing about?

- So I should answer?



- Answer it, Jay.

- Yeah, why don't you answer.



- What?

- Is any of it true?



Well, are you asking

if I have a small dick?



I don't know about my dick.

I don't know if it's small.



I know it's not big, though.




You got a thousand judges here.

Whip it out.



- I'm not...

- They'll let you know.



I'm not gay, though.

No, I love pussy.



I love pussy. So much.



- Pull his cock out of your mouth, dude.

- Who, him? Me or him?



No, they're talking about me.

No, I like the cock in my mouth.



Why don't you put a cock in

your mouth and shut your face.



You got unleashed for a second.



You're like, "Put a fucking cock

in your mouth and shut your face."



Jay and Silent Bob have great

chemistry, great sexual tension.



How come in the last one they

never got it on? I was disappointed.



How come they didn't just fuck?



- Yeah. The whole movie...

- Wait till DVD. Wait till DVD.



Thank you. On your final project,

Jay and Silent Bob porn, whole movie.



Jay and Silent Bob porn.



There are days when I'm afraid

that that will become true...



...because Mewes isn't the most

discerning actor on the planet.



He was hanging out with

this dude named Johnny Nitro.



Guy makes porn. He was like,

"I went to the set of a porn."



I was like, "What was that like?"

He was like, "It was cool.



They were fucking, and they asked

me if I wanted to get in, so I was..."



I said, "Wait. Wh...? What?"



He was like, "It was a courtroom scene.

They asked if I wanted to sit in the jury."



I said, "You didn't do it, did you?"

And he was like, "N... No."



I was like, "Just as long as it's no."



So periodically I cruise

the porn aisle...


            make sure Mewes

isn't in any of the movies.



Just for that, you know.



But, no Jay and Bob porn

in the future.



There is a Jay porn that exists without

Silent Bob. But Silent Bob watched it.



- Can I get a copy?

- A copy?






Not tonight. Because I don't

have it on me.



But I'll try to make it

publicly available.



We sell everything else

on that website of ours.





- You like Jay, do you?

- Yeah.



Is he single? Is he single?



Is he single? Yeah.



Inasmuch as, like,

he's tied to no one person.



- So there's a chance?

- There's always a chance, my friend.



- Thank you.

- Okay.



- Hey, Kevin...

- Wait. Wait. Wait.



You saying you're

"into Mewes" into Mewes?



Not yet.



You owe me for

that tremendous setup, sir.



Would you like to hear

about how he almost got married?



- Yes.

- Yeah.



You gotta ask him one day.

It's pretty funny.



Mewes had a girlfriend for a long time.



And one day...

I don't wanna say her name...



...'cause he's no longer with her.

We were going to the mall...



...and he goes, "So I did it last night.

I asked..."



Fuck it, her name's Jamie.

"I asked Jamie to marry me."



And I said, "Really?"

He's like, "I kind of did it all cool too."



He has this fish tank. He's like,

"I got her these expensive fish...



...and then I put the ring in this box

at the bottom of the fish tank...


            know, bubbles,

a little treasure chest, and it opens...



...and she came in, and I said,

'Look at the fish. '



She saw the ring, and I got down

on one knee and proposed."



I was like, "That is really fucking

cool, man. Like, I'm shocked. You?



That is really sweet.

I wish I'd been there for that.



It would've been nice to be a

fly on the wall for that."



He's like, "Well, I taped it."



I said, "You did?"



He's like, "I set up a tape

recorder in the corner...



...and turned it on when I knew

she was coming.



And then she pulled up and was

talking to my mom for a bit...



...and I was getting pissed...



...and I wasn't gonna propose

to her anymore...



...because she was making me wait."



The exact mind frame you wanna

enter into marriage with.



He's like, "But then she came in, and we

went through it, and it's all on tape."



I said, "I would like to see that.

Give me the tape."



He's like, "I will." And he's like,

"There's another tape too."



I was like,

"What do you do on that one?"



He was like, "We fuck." And I was

like, "Get the fuck out of here!"



He was like, "We were celebrating.

We got engaged.



So I changed the tape,

and we started going at it."



And I said,

"I gotta see that one too!"



He's like, "You wanna see it?"

I was like, "Shit, yes!



Give me the tape."

So he gave me both...



...the engagement tape

and the Jason Mewes fuck tape.



I took them home and threw

the wedding tape aside.



He told me about it, fuck it.

I wanna see this man in action.



I put in the tape. And it's one of the

worst amateur porns you've ever seen.



It's a real one-camera setup.

It's like Clerks.



But even funnier.



Sets up the camera, and the MTV Video

Music Awards plays in the background.



Whole time. Now across from them,

in the frame...


            a framed poster of the X-Men.

The comic book version.



And in the reflection of the X-Men

is the Video Music Awards.



So the camera the whole time is

auto-focusing between Jay and Jamie...



...and the Video Music Awards.



So, number one, it's the most

irritating porn in the world to watch...



...because you're like:



Number two, he pretty much gets

in there and blocks the whole thing.



You're not seeing anything good.

Just his ass up and down.



And I've seen that a zillion

fucking times.



But the best part about it was

what I told him...



...because he wanted me

to critique it.



I was like, "I'm the last guy

that should be telling you this...



...but you gotta work on

your camera work.



But number two, I gotta talk

to you about your whole finale."



He's like, "What about it?"

I'm like, "Dude, it's weak sauce."



He's like, "What do you mean?"

And I was like, "This is you:"



And he starts fucking cracking up.



When he really starts laughing,

he's like:



His veins pop out.

I'm like, "I'm serious.



You fucking give three thrusts,

one tug, and you walk away.



Try a little tenderness, you know?

A cuddle, something."



I was like, "And it went on forever.

At a certain point, I stopped watching...



...and concentrated on the VMAs

because it was on in the background."



But he promised to work on

his technique.



And I've yet to see the follow-up.



But now that I know

you're available...



That's the one I would like to see.



I've seen him fuck a chick,

and I wasn't impressed.



My name is Abe Mohammedian.



I got a question about you

and Scott Mosier.



What's the history

about your relationship...



...and the dynamic that's followed

through with the five movies?



My history with Mosier...



I went to Vancouver Film School

in British Columbia...



...because it was a quick tech program.

It was eight months.



Nine grand for eight months.

At the end...



...they don't give you a degree, you get

a certificate that says you finished...



...which is about as useful as a degree,

you'll find out.



So I was there for four months and then

dropped out and went back to Jersey.



I went for hands-on technical stuff.



They were like, "It's all practice.

All practical. No theory."



Then we did theory for three months.



I don't need some Canadian dude...



...telling me what Demme was trying

to say with Silence of the Lambs.



So I stuck around for a little bit,

but during that time I met Mosier.



The first day I went to class...

We had one class,    people.



And we, you know, went through

every class together.



They bring in a new bunch,

I think, every four months.



Mosier was a guy in a class that

I was like, "Look at this pretty boy."



He had, like, this real       'do,

a Luke Perry thing going on.



He came in in a leather jacket,

like, a motorcycle hood...



...but, like, a good-looking one.



Like, the motorcycle hood

with a heart of gold...



...whose mom died,

and he's just really misunderstood...



...and he'll hook up with Brenda before

the season's out. That was my take.



Mosier said his first take on

me was, "Look at the blowhard asshole."



So we didn't really speak...



...and then we got thrown

together on this project.



Turns out, we had a

similar sense of humor.



We joked about calling our production

company "Post Party At Spago's."



We both got it, and nobody else did. So I

was like, "I wanna hang out with this guy.



He gets the obscure,

bad references."



We started hanging out more and more.

That's where our friendship built.



I was like,

"I'm not gonna stick around.



If I get out

before the four-month mark...



...I get to walk with five grand.



I'm gonna take my five grand

and put it in a movie.



I'm gonna go home

and start writing."



But he wanted to finish the course

because his parents would be proud.



I didn't care about my parents.



They were like,

"Look, we know you're a failure.



If you drop out, it's fine."

So I did.



I said, "I'm gonna go home and write.



You write, and whoever gets done first,

the other will help the other one out.



If you finish your script, I'll help you.

If I finish mine, you help me."



I finished Clerks first,

and he came down.



He got trapped into

the role of de facto producer.



Nobody goes to film school going,

"I wanna produce."



Everyone wants to be a filmmaker.



My job is kind of the dream job.



I get to write, you know, fucking,

"Jay and Silent Bob run into a wall."



Then I hand it to him. He's like,

"All right. It'll cost this much.



We have to hire this many people."

His job is the tough job.



Particularly on Chasing Amy,

his head almost exploded.



We were trying to make

that movie for $      .



Initially, we wanted to do it

for $  million.



We had done Mallrats for $  million.



First one was $     .

Second one, Mallrats, $  million.



We were like, "We'll go

to a sensible budget, $  million."



We pitched the movie

to Miramax, gave them the script...



...and they were like, "This is great.

Who do you wanna put in it?"



I was like, "I wrote it for Ben Affleck,

Jason Lee, Joey Lauren Adams."



And the exec was like, "Oh, no.

We have to put celebrities in it.



We were thinking Drew Barrymore,

Jon Stewart, David Schwimmer."



And I was like, "Why?

Where'd you get that grouping from?



Did you just pick those three

off the top of your head?"



They'd had deals with them.



I said,

"I wanna make it with my people."



And the exec said words

I will never forget:



"Kevin, it's not about making

a movie with your friends."



I was like, "Really?"



That's been the whole point

of my career.



So I went to see Harvey Weinstein,

the chairman.



I said, "Look, you guys wanna do

the movie at $  million with a cast.



I wanna use the people

I wrote it for.



Let us make the movie for $      .

We'll bring it back. If you like it, buy it.



If not, we take it someplace else."

We have an overall deal with them.



He said, "      ?

I'll give you    ."



And I said, "That's really generous.

All right, man, that's cool."



I went home and said,

"Mosier, Harvey gave us the money."



He's like, "Get out!" I was like,

"I asked one amount, he gave me more."



And Mosier was like, "Terrific.

You're really good at this shit.



So, what's the budget?"

And I was like, "$      !"



And Mosier was just like:



The brain came out, and he was like,

"$      ? Are you nuts?



We can't make a movie for that."



I was like,

"We made a movie for $     ."



He's like, "That's barely a movie.

This movie is more complicated.



How are we gonna do it?"

I was like, "You'll figure it out.



I gotta call Ben and Jason."

He's like, "Good Lord."



So he spent most of Chasing Amy,

like, sleeping in his office...



...trying to figure out

where the money was coming from...



...trying to make everything work

on a shoestring.



Shooting that movie for $      

almost killed him. And I never noticed.



My job's kind of always the same

no matter what the budget is.



I write it, and then I rehearse

the actors and hope...



...they give the performance that

I heard in my head when I wrote it...



...if not a better performance.



No matter the budget,

my job doesn't change.



But Mosier's job is

always affected by the budget.



The last one was    million bucks.

Jay and Bob Strike Back.



And he was happy as a pig in shit.

I'm like, "There's a problem."



He was like, "That's fine,

throw some money at it."



Problem solved, you know.



But with the other ones, it's like,

"We got a problem."



He's like, "It's not my fault. You asked

for     grand, asshole." I'm like, "Oh."



He runs the gamut, depending

on what the budget is.



Dogma was tight. We had $    million.

We should've had more to do it.



Also, we were dealing with crazy

schedules of people coming and going.



They were paid scale, which is, like,

minimum wage of the movie business.



So we had to allow them

to do other things if they wanted.



That became a nightmare for him.



But the last one

he had a great time doing.



He's like, "I love making movies with you,

but I hate the shit I have to go through.



I hate dealing with these people."



And I'm like, "All right, we can

make movies with puppets."



But he's not real...

He's afraid of puppets.



So he's in this weird headspace

where he bought a VW conversion van.



And Mosier... You don't know him

so it's not gonna play as well...



...but Mosier doesn't buy

extravagant things.



He kind of lives

a very monk-like life.



So one day I came to the office, and

I saw this tricked out conversion van.



I was like,

"Whose piece of shit is that?"



He's like, "That's mine."

I was like, "Why'd you get that?"



He's like, "I don't know. $     .



I figure instead of walking the earth,

I can drive the earth."



He's like, "Here's the sink

and a stove.



Out back there's a little shower thing.

The top is a pop-out.



I got two beds up here

and beds down here.



Me and Monica could sleep up here.



You and Jen could sleep under us."

I'm like, "I'd be up for that."



So he's in this weird kind of

"I've got a VW van" headspace...



..."and I don't know if I wanna keep

making movies for Miramax."



If that makes any sense.



- Yeah, so...

- We should call him.



- Call Ben!

- You know, Mosier first. Hold on.



Believe me, I'd much rather

call people all night.



Just hold the phone to the mike.



Hey, Monica? Is Scotty there? Okay.



Hey, man, what's up?

I'm at Kent State on stage.



I'm gonna count to three.

I'm gonna put you to the mike.



In    seconds, give them a rough

breakdown of your conversion van.



Yeah, like what it's tricked

out with. All right, ready?



I'll hold you to the mike.

Ready? One, two, three.



It's got a fridge, it's got

a two-burner stove, a sink.



It can sleep four.

It's got the pop-up.



Runs off propane so I can run

a thermostat, keep it hot.



Make a little love, you know.



- Anything else?

- Not much more to say than that, man.



Come on, you sold it to me bigtime.



That's about it, man.



What did you pay for it?



- It cost, like, about between    and   .

- You got ripped off.



Look, I've been working

a long time, man.



- All right.

- What color?



What color is it? It's beige?

No, it's white.



That's beautiful, man!



Some guy in the back went,

"That's beautiful, man."



All right, man, that's it.

All right, bye.



Hi, I'm Shawn Johnson.

In your writing...


            you take any of your own

life experiences and put them in?



Yes, one time me and my friends were

running from this rubber poop monster.



Smart ass.



And then we tried to sneak

into Miramax Studios, you know...



...fell onto the set

of Good Will Hunting II.



No, generally not. Because

real life tends to be very boring.



Which is why the dialogue I write tends

to be the way it is, 'cause people say:



"It sounds like you write down the

conversations of friends. It's natural."



Not at all. The conversations I have with

my friends are probably similar to yours.



Like, "What did you do?"



"Got laid."




One word. Really monosyllabic,

caveman-type talk.



But I've read somewhere the writer

crafts their ideal world.



In mine, everyone has long conversations

about interesting pop-culture shit.



And everyone talks in monologues.



But generally not.

There are instances of real life.



I did work at Quick Stop and RST.

That's about where it stops.



There were people that would

check the date of the milk...



...but not like the lady in the movie,

who was my mom, incidentally.



People do check the eggs

at the counter. That bugged me.



Check eggs in front of you...


            if I'm sitting in the back

with a little hammer, like:



Like, "I'll break one,

and they'll never know."



You blow that shit out of proportion.

That makes it interesting.



If I wrote about real life,

Chasing Amy would be about the fact...



...that I couldn't stand that my

girlfriend had gone to Bali and I didn't.



Not a very interesting movie.



So I'm like, "Maybe her boyfriend

suggests they sleep with his best friend."



That's more interesting. Shit like that

doesn't happen to me in real life.



I've never said to Scott Mosier,

"We should fuck my girlfriend."



He's like, "We have budget problems."

"I know, let's fuck my girlfriend."



He's like, "I don't know

if it'll help, but okay."



You tend to exaggerate,

but you start with a kernel of truth.



Like, Chasing Amy...

I was very much like Holden.



I was insecure about girlfriends'

pasts when I wrote that.



And now I'm beyond... I'm   .

Now I'm insecure about the grave.



I don't care who fucked who.

I just don't wanna die.



- Thank you.

- Thanks, man.



- Thank you.

- Thanks, man.



Comedy in general, and especially

your kind of witty satire, often...



I'm sorry.

Often stems from some sort...



I've never heard it described like

that: "Your kind of witty satire."



"Your bullshit." Go ahead.



Comedy seems to me like it stems

from a level of frustration in life.



Is that true for you? Is there

a specific area of your life...



...where you were frustrated

as a child or when you were younger?



You talk about, "This is for the girls

who said my dick was small."



Is there some area of life that

was particularly frustrating...?



Take a fucking guess, dude.



I don't... I think... Here, I can

answer it. I'll put my spin on it.



I think I do what I do

because I grew up fat.



The room came down. Don't get

all serious. It's fucking true.



It's not like a life-threatening

afflic... It is, but it's not.



Because I grew up a heavy kid,

it tended to make me want to be funny.



If you can't get over

with your looks...



You don't know what I mean.

You're a good-looking man.



- That's the first time I've heard that.

- What are you doing after the show?



I'm not just talking about girls.



People hang out

with a certain aesthetic type...



...people that look "normal." When you

don't look "normal," you're castigated.



Kind of like,

"Well, that kid's fat. Yipes!"



If you have something else going for

you, they overlook your physical flaws.



That's my theory, what I've found in life.

So... From you fucking thin people.



It came from there.

My comedy comes from that.



Thank you.



Thanks for bringing up really

painful fucking memories.



I like how the room got. They're like,

"Holy shit! He's about to cry."



Go ahead.



What do your parents feel

about your films?



My parents... My mother,

when she saw Clerks...



...when I sat her down to watch it...



...she turned to me and goes, "You spent

$      on that piece of garbage?"



I was like, "Thanks, Mom.

That's real Carol Brady of you."



Then she grew to like the movies.

She didn't care for Mallrats either...



...but Chasing Amy she really loved

and connected to for some reason.



I know.



I'm watching the movie with her,

and she's laughing at blowjob jokes.



Like, her and my old man are chuckling

at blowjob jokes, and I'm just like:



"Oh, God. She's giving him head."



She cried at the end of the movie.

I was really moved by that.



I was like, "Oh, my God,

you really got into it."



She was like, "I identify with that

movie in ways you'll never understand."



And I was like:



They've caught on. She liked Dogma

because she's a lifelong Catholic...



...and it addressed many

issues that she has as well...



...but would never voice

for fear of going to hell.



Which, she maintains,

is where I'm going.



And Jay and Bob

she thought was really cute.



That's what she says. She's like,

"It was cute. You guys ran around a lot.



Was it tough to run around like that

in that long coat?"



I felt like I was at a fucking college

q and a, the caliber of that question.



That wasn't directed at everybody.



I'm Jenny Sheibley.

First of all, I really liked Dogma.



- Thank you.

- And I was wondering...



It's two parts, okay?



- A: Do you believe in God?

- Yes.



- And B: Why or why not? So why?

- Yes.



Yes, I believe in God. Why?

Because I have a career.






There can be no better proof

for the existence of God...



...than the fact that I have

a film career. I think so.



- Okay. Thank you.

- All right. Thanks.



- My name is...

- There's no camera on you.



Well, that's okay.



Somebody is sending you

a very clear message, sir.



- Go ahead.

- I'm David Klesh.



Could you talk about the effect of your

Catholic upbringing in your movies?



Specifically Dogma.



I would imagine that watching Dogma,

that would be very clear.



But since you asked,

I grew up very Catholic.



I went to eight years

of Catholic school.



I really dug the faith

when I was a kid.



Then as I got older, started struggling

with it, as most people do...



...and was just like, "Wait a second.



I appreciate the message and who

Christ was and what Christ did...



...but I'm not really

into the dogma."



I.e., I want to fuck

before I get married.



But no, it stretched beyond that.



I think by the time I started really

questioning, I was about      .



And I started wondering,

like, "Wait a second...



...we hold the book, the Bible,

to be the word of God."



And meanwhile,

many, many years ago...



...Grecians and Egyptians held

their books to be the word of gods.



Now we read their shit as literature

and chuckle at silly stories.



Will someone one day

read our books and chuckle?



If so, then is there a God?

Did we just create God?



Did somebody create God so that

I would quit asking questions?



I went through

a real crisis of faith...



...and worked through it years later

by writing Dogma.



The idea came from a crisis of faith.



By the end of the first draft, I knew

exactly where I stood on religion.



I believe in faith, in God,

in Christ. I'm a Christian.



I'm a spiritual person, but religion

gets many people in trouble.



Making that movie was fine.



But when we were getting ready

to put it out...


            was fucking nuts.

We got death threats.



We had        pieces of hate mail

and three death threats.



Or two. Two-and-a-half death threats.



Because I think one recanted

toward the end.



"I'm gonna fucking kill you!

Well, maybe not."



There was one that I'll never forget

and will take it with me to my grave.



Not the actual missive, but what

it said. I've read it so many times...



I've read it to people so many times

that I committed it to memory:



"You Jews better take the money you

stole from us and buy flak jackets...



...because we're coming in there with

shotguns. Your brothers in Christ... "



The Jews in question were

Harvey and Bob Weinstein...



...who run Miramax and Dimension,

who were originally releasing the flick.



They got it the worst. I was Catholic,

so people would just be like...



..."You ought to know better.

But your Jew buddies will pay."



You don't want to point out

that Christ was Jewish...



...because these people tend

to forget that.



"Jewish? No, he's a Wasp."



But it was insane.



We had to stop receiving mail at the

office. They had a service open it.



We couldn't receive packages

for a year.



When we went to Cannes,

they wanted to put up metal detectors.



The Palais wouldn't let them,

so Miramax hired armed bodyguards.



It was really a kooky time.

And the whole time I'm just like:



"It's a movie with a fucking rubber

poop monster in it." You know?



"Take it easy!"



But people judge it, of course,

without seeing it.



Mostly the people who were attacking

the movie would never see it.



They never bothered.



If they had watched it,

they would've been like:



"We'd be stupid to go after it

because it's not a threat.



There is a rubber poop monster

up there on the screen.



The kid was right."

But they didn't, so you know...



We were the way for the group that

went after us, the Catholic League...


            go after Disney and Miramax,

who were the original distributors.



They tend to go after Disney

quite a bit.



If you go after Disney,

you get a lot of press.



Particularly if you're charging Disney

with being anti-Catholic.



The weird thing is when the Weinsteins

bought the movie from Miramax...



...and resold it to Lions Gate,

the eventual distributors...



...the Catholic League went away.

They made so much noise about, like:



"We'll take this movie down.

It'll never be seen.



It's a true affront to all Catholics.

God hates it. Blah, blah, blah."



When Lions Gate picked it up,

they were like, "We won."



We were like, "How?

The movie's still coming out."



They were like, "Yeah,

but Disney's not distributing it."



I was always very curious

about the protesters and whatnot.



So when the movie came out,

I got involved.



I read in the Asbury Park Press

that there was gonna be a protest...


            our theater in Eatontown,

the Sony multiplex.



So I said, "Holy shit. I wanna go."

I read there was gonna be      people.



I said, "I'm bound to know some of them

because I went to church with them.



My mom might be one of them."



I wanna go, and I said to the wife,

"Let's go to the protest."



She was like, "You're fucking nuts."

I said, "We should go. It'll be fun."



She said, "I don't know."



I said, "We'll call Bryan. He'll go too."

My friend Bryan Johnson.



I called him and said,

"You wanna go protest the movie?"



He's like, "I've been dying

to do that for months."



So Bryan came over, and we grabbed

some construction paper.



Like, those big pieces.



We got magic markers and glue

and sparklies, and we made signs.



We're working on our signs really well

because we want to blend in.



And one of them said,

"Dogma is Dogshit."



The other one said,

"To Hell With Dogma. "



Both of us were really

taking our time.



Just, like, not going

outside the lines.



"Is this done?"

"No, a little glitter."



Really went all out.

And then drove over to the multiplex.



So we get there,

and the      is about    period.



I see a smattering of people

at the head of the driveway...



...very far from the theater.



I'm like, "Wow, that looks weird.

They must be watching the protest."



We pull up and that is the protest.

So we got out with our signs.



Bryan and I are the youngest

people there by about    years.



So it's a bunch of   -year-old people,

maybe some   -year-olds.



They're all praying the rosary,

and they have a very large crucifix...



...with our Lord, in his usual pose.



They're all reciting the rosary,

which I know well...



...because I went to Catholic school.



Bryan didn't, so I said,

"Follow after me."



I'm like, "Our father, who art

in heaven... " Bryan's like:












I'm like,

"He's not in the Our Father!"



We're holding our signs,

reciting the rosary...



...and we notice that nobody

really has any signs.



At least, none that are

nearly as nice as ours.



There's a dude whose sign looks like

it was torn out of the bottom of a box.



Like, just kind of cut out.

And it said, "Dogma is Bad."



It looked like he wrote it in his car

with a pen from his glove compartment.



No glue, no sparklies...



...not a streamer in sight.

Really, just no effort whatsoever.



He's standing next to me.

I have my sign.



He's holding his sign, it's this big.

Mine is like a sandwich board.



We're doing the Our Father.

I'm next to him. He's like:



"Our father, who art in heaven,

hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom... "



He put his sign down because he was so

embarrassed that mine was that great.



And a lady who was about three or four

people over had seen our signs...



...had looked when we were joining the

line or when we'd joined the line already.



She came over and said, "You can't

have that here." I said, "Why?"



She's like, "You can't say

that kind of thing here."



She was pointing at

"Dogma is Dogshit."



She's like, "You gotta get rid of that."

I'm like, "I wanna protest the movie."



She's like, "We don't need that kind of

help. We don't wanna say those things."



I was like,

"But it's true. The movie is."



She said, "Just take the word off.

Take that one offensive word off."



And I said, "But then it just says

'Dogma is Dog."'



She said, "Just take off the two letters."

I said, "All right."



And I bend it up. And so now it says,

"Dogma is Dogsh."



She goes back to her place.

About    minutes into the fourth...



We're into the fourth decate.

A news van pulls up.



I'm not lying. News van pulls up.

Channel    News, local in our area.



So I'm standing there,

and I'm looking at them.



I'm thinking,

"This'll be interesting."



I think about bolting. I was like, "These

people don't know, they'll never know."



A lady gets out, journalist,

well-dressed, and she has a clipboard.



All of a sudden, she kind of looks

in my general direction.



She goes back to looking around, then

comes back and looks at her clipboard.



So she comes over.

And Bryan's like, "Holy shit."



She comes over. She's looking

at her clipboard and looking at me.



And she's like, "Are you him?"



And I was like, "No, that's him."



You know, because our Lord

was there. And she goes:



"No, are you him? Are you the guy?"



I said, "No, no.

But I get that all the time."



She was like, "Would you mind if I

interviewed you?" I said, "Please."



Because I'm a press whore.

So even, you know, if I'm incognito...



...l'm happy to give an interview.

So she calls the camera guy over.



He starts shooting, and she's like,

"So, what are you doing here tonight?"



I said, "We're protesting this movie."



She said, "Okay. Have you seen it?"

And I said, "No, no."



You know, because I wanted

to be in character.



I said, "No, but they tell me

it's really bad."



She's like, "Right. Have you seen

anything else made by the filmmaker?"



I said, "No, no. Well, I saw Clerks.

That was really funny.



But I'm not gonna watch anything else.

I'm certainly not gonna watch this."



And she's like, "What's your name?"

And I was like, "Bryan Johnson."



You know, and Bryan's like,

"Oh, shit."



And she goes, "Do you have ID?"



And I said, "Yeah."

And she's like, "Can I see it?"



I was like, "It's in my wallet,

and I didn't bring my wallet."



She's like, "Why not?"

I was like, "Well, look at these people."



So she took off, and she's

shooting the rest of the line.



She's still shooting me

and whispering to the camera guy.



Johnson's like,

"We should really go now."



Finally, they took off. Then that

night, on the Channel    News...



...sure enough, "Bryan Johnson"...



...was talking about

how bad Dogma was.



My mother called and was like, "There's

somebody on TV looks just like you."



I'm sorry. That was a very long answer,

has nothing to do with your question.



I'm working from preprogrammed bits.



I'm Raquel Rhinestein.



My question is: Are you ever thinking

of making a science fiction film?



A science fiction movie.

I don't know.



I think I have made one already:

Chasing Amy.



Because you go ask any lesbian,

that'll never happen.



Even if, and probably especially because,

the dude is Ben fucking Affleck.



There is a sci-fi idea in me,

I'm just nowhere near doing it yet.



So I don't...

Somewhere down the road.



- Say your name.

- My name's Lela.



Lela. L-E-L-A.



- All right.

- Well, do you...? No, that's okay.



When you said the thing about Chasing

Amy and no self-respecting lesbian...



It's ironic that Adrienne Rich, an

amazing poet who wrote "The Last..."



Are you coming out?



- They all know me. I'm... Anyway...

- Are you out?






Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.



This is college. You all act like

you've never seen a lesbian before.



- So the Chasing Amy question was...?

- I'll rephrase it, given what's happened.



I disliked Chasing Amy, even though

I loved Clerks and your movies a lot.



I think you're done. Next!



I did feel like it made the point

that all a lesbian needs...


            a good deep-dicking.

- Did you? It's an excellent point!



- No. No. No. No.

- Do you...?



I'm not saying that is

an excellent point.



It's an excellent point you're bringing up.

I've heard this one. Can I...?



I let you go on for, like, two hours.



It is like The Kevin Smith Show.



My feelings on that have been the same

since      when I wrote it...



...all the way up to this very moment

when you said that.



I don't see how someone

can say, like:



"The film strengthens the point that

all any lesbian needs is one good man."



- Is that what you were saying?

- Sort of.



Okay, but we have the idiot character

in the movie, Banky, say that...



...hence deflating the argument.



We put those words into the guy

who's always wrong in the movie.



When the idiot says that, didn't you

get that that's what I was saying?



I got that point, but do you find it

weird that you speak to audiences...



...who feel comfortable yelling "Show us

your tits!" to a woman in the crowd...?



Very, very uncomfortable.



It wasn't maybe your fault, but I think

that movie put that out there.



Stop it. Stop it. This is political.

Very uncomfortable.



- That has nothing to do with this.

- Well, I think it does.



When I first saw the movie,

I thought it was dumb but harmless.



But when I... But I saw that the...



Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Come on, come on!



This is excellent.

Excellent, candid point.



I'm pissed we didn't know you

when we were making it.



That would've been excellent

for the tag line: "Dumb but harmless.



Some bi-curious girl from college."

That would've been cool.



- Finish your point.

- 'Cause all I need is a deep-dicking?



- Pardon?

- Nothing.



I think... Obviously you can't control

the way people take the movie.



But it was frustrating to be a lesbian

at that point when that film came out.



- How old are you?

- I'm   .



You were...

So that's going back four years?



So I was   . Did you know you were

straight when you were   ?






Ma'am, I'm still not sure.



And I've got a wife and child.

How irresponsible is that?



All I can do is make movies

the way I wanna make them...



...the way I wanna see them,

as entertaining as possible.



If I can whip a message in there,

that's more than most cats do.



And I feel good. I can sleep

with myself, and a man or a woman...


            night because of that.

The movies we've made...



...there's always been gay content

in there, would you agree?



You think it's dumb but harmless.



Some people think it's a breakthrough

that really enabled them to come out.



Large portions of the gay community

love what we do.



A very small pocket is like,

"He's a closet fag-hater"...



...not knowing the amount of cock

that I chug myself.



But that's none

of their fucking business.



I've always thrown that in there because

I always felt, from Clerks forward...



Even before I knew we were gonna

have an audience.



When I was writing Clerks...

I have a brother. My brother's gay.



I just outed him to everyone

at Cornell. He's very out.



My brother and I had a discussion

when he first came out about movies...



...and how weird it is to go to

predominately   .    % hetero movies...



...and watch the guy and girl

live happily ever after...



...never see himself represented

on the screen...



...unless it's a very swishy

stereotype, i. E. The Birdcage.



Or an ice pick killer.

I thought, "That's pretty shitty.



He can't get into a flick on any level

because he doesn't feel represented."



So I said, "I'm gonna throw a little

gay content in the flicks...


            my brother will know

it was in there for him."



Because, why the fuck not?



When I found out we had

an audience, I said:



"Fuck it. I'm throwing

lots of gay content in."



Because they're sitting there...

And yes, they are predominately young.



And I do have fans that are like,

"Great movies, man! Wanna get high?"



I also do have some fans,

nobody in this room, mind you...



...that are like,

"Love those movies, man.



But why is there so much

gay stuff in them? Gay's bad."



I always try to fuck with their heads.

Case in point was Chasing Amy.



We make Chasing Amy and have

our first test-screening.



They keep    people around to do a

focus group. Ever been to a focus group?



They keep    people

and ask them questions.



From     they keep    around

and ask them questions:



"What did or didn't you like

about the movie? Tell us why."



They give that data to the filmmaker,

and they're like, "Do it better!"



Horrible fucking process. But it's

interesting to hear what people say.



So they talked to one cat

in the audience. He's like...



I won't forget this guy.



He's like, "I like Kevin Smith's movies.

I am a Kevin Smith character.



I am Brodie.

I love the mall and comics.



And I wouldn't fuck

Shannen Doherty either."



If you saw this motherfucker,

he wouldn't have a chance.



I'm in the back, 'cause you can't reveal

yourself or that'll skew the data.



I'm sitting there, chuckling and

listening, and he's like:



"I identify with the Banky character

because it's Jason Lee again.



I dig him, I'm with him, and suddenly,

boom, the dude's gay.



What the fuck's that say about me?"



From the back, below my chair, I was

like, "It means you're fucking gay!"



And the point of the story,

that man is Elton John.



The point is that cat...

Of course, I didn't follow him.



I didn't tag him like a shark and

follow him for the rest of his life.



But the dude had to make

a decision right there.



He either continues being a fan of

our stuff or continues being like:



"Fucking gays scare me. Any dick

that's not mine terrifies me."



Chances are the dude stuck around.



Because we've sold a shitload

of merchandise at our website.



He's gotta be one of them.



I always like to think of it as, like,

I've got them sitting there...



...give them a message, a moral...


            view of the world.

That's what good filmmakers do.



You can't change or cure the world.

You can say:



"This is it through my eyes.

Do you agree or not?"



And a lot of people seem to agree.

Not a lot, you know.



We've got fans, so they're smart. We'll

lead the world into the    st century.



And I'll make a profit on their backs.



You can't be responsible

for your audience to some degree.



Hopefully they get it. If they don't,

you can't hammer it at them.



That's when the movie stops being

entertaining. You're being didactic.



You're just like,

"This is this, that is that."



Dogma runs very dangerously close

to being a didactic movie.



But thankfully, every once in a while,

Mewes makes an ass-fucking joke.



People forget we're talking about

Jesus for a little while.



So it's a dangerous line,

but give me credit.



I have done flicks where they're

far more gay-friendly than most. Yeah?









Don't. Please, stop.



Lela's the smartest one here, because

now everyone knows that she's gay.



So she can easily get a date

at the end of this thing.



People are like,

"You're that gay chick. I'm gay too."



What are you doing after the show...?

Wait, never mind.



See, you can't hold me

responsible for that.



Rock on.



That's a tough balancing act.

Tough balancing act.



Don't like him, need his money.



Just kidding. All right, enough being

political, let's do some dick jokes.



Who's next? This side.



- Okay, my name is Grayden Blue.

- Again?



- Grayden Blue.

- Grayden. All right.



Thank you. I'm starting production

on my own movie very soon...



...and I was wondering if you had

any advice or money for me.






Chap Stick.



Do you have any advice on how

to get money, funding for a film?



Yeah. Head works a lot.



If you don't wanna give head...



Well, I was hoping to not have to do

that if there are easier ways.



If you're very conservative

like yourself...


            cards work very well.

You can get a bunch of credit cards.



- I thought about that.

- Do you have any?



I've got one.

It's maxed out already.



- Which is it?

- It's a MasterCard.



- Is it yours or parents'?

- Mine.



- Is it? So you can build on that.

- Yeah.



- Do you have a job?

- Not at the moment.



Here's what you do:

Find a video store...


           , a mom-and-pop store,

not a chain.



- You don't wanna work at a Blockbuster.

- Dear God, no.



Some of these people

do want to work there.



Make sure you work the desk

so that you answer the phone.



Get a bunch of credit card

applications. Fill them all out.



Say that you're the manager of the

store and you make $      a year.



Then, when they call in to check,

say, "Yes, he works here...



...he is the manager,

and he makes $      a year."



They start sending you credit cards.

That's how I got all mine.



I'd answer the phone

at RST Video and be like:



"Kevin Smith is an excellent manager.

Makes $      a year.



The highest-paid manager

in the video business."



Credit cards are

the best scam on earth.



Get a bunch of credit cards.

That's my advice.



- Cool. Thank you.

- All right.



You're so polite. You're gonna applaud

for everybody that asks a question?



Just like, "It was a good question.

Terrible answer, good question."



For Clerks, you maxed out

your cards and borrowed money.



That's a big leap. What kept you

going while you were making the film?



It just seemed, like, to make sense

at the time. Like, I was a kid...






I was trying to give him

something from my heart...



...and you're sitting there like:



- Are you done?

- I'm done. I'm...



It just felt like it was

the time to do it. I was young.



I was       at the time.



If you're gonna do something stupid

like charge a bunch of film stuff...



...on your credit cards,

then do it while you're kind of young.



- My name's Geek.

- What is it?



Geek. You said that sucking dick is

a great way to make money.



I wanted to know if I could

suck yours for, like, five bucks?



All right. Wait. Wait. Wait.



- Anyway...

- Wait. Wait. Wait. Whose five bucks?



Well, I wanna get paid,

because I'm broke now.



So you want me to pay you $ .  .



If you want me to pay you

to suck your dick, I might do it...



...just so I could say I sucked

Kevin Smith's dick.



- Anyway...

- Why...? Wait.



Why does everyone boo that?



- Sucking dick is a good thing.

- You guys are just jealous.



My real question is you were

supposed to make Clerks  ...



...before you made

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.



Whatever happened to that script?

Could it be found in...?



I'm still wrapping my head around

the notion of you sucking my dick.



- And your name's Geek?

- My name's Geek.



G, double E, K, I think.



- Do you know the term's origin?

- No. Wanna explain it?



- A geek bites the heads off chickens.

- I could do that.



I would never let you suck my dick

with a name like Geek.



Now if your name was Ron...



Anyway, so what happened

to the script?



- With which script?

- Clerks.



What happened to

the script for Clerks  ?



Clerks  . You can't get up there and

start talking about dick-sucking...



...then segue into a question.

- You opened yourself up for it.



- Pardon?

- You said that sucking dick...



...was a great way to make money.

I wanna make money.



- I didn't open myself up for anything.

- Sit the fuck down!



They're sending you a message, Geek.



Clerks   became

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.



I got five bucks!



Another reason you'll never see my

name next to Scorsese, Woody Allen...



...and Spike Lee.

Scorsese speaks a lot at NYU...



...and I'm damn skippy nobody's ever

like, "I'll suck your dick for $ .  !"



Not during the lecture, anyway.



You. Your turn.



That's all right,

that kid stole my question.



That's good.



I was just curious...


           've had run-ins with the Catholic

League and, most recently, GLAAD.



- I was curious...

- Isn't that weird?



I had my run-ins with GLAAD, yet

I considered letting him suck my dick.



Where's GLAAD now, you know?



I was curious, have you had...? Besides

the whole round with Michael Eisner...



...have you had any confrontational

experiences within the industry?



Paul Thomas Anderson

getting a little angry...


            your public bash of Magnolia?

- Not at all. I ran into Paul...


            I was getting my physical

for Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.



- Isn't it weird that...? Why's that funny?

- I don't know.



You're like, "You and 'physical'

should never be in the same... "



When you're about to direct a movie,

they make you take a physical.



They have to insure the director...


            case the director drops dead

of a heart attack...



...if he smokes a lot

and eats really bad food.



So I'm getting my physical. I'm sitting

there filling out the paperwork...



...wondering if I'll have

to have my balls grabbed...



...wondering if I'll have to pay for it.

- Five bucks!



Or if he'll pay me.



I hear a guy go, "Kevin, hello."

I look, and it's Paul Thomas Anderson.



I was like, "How are you?"

He was like, "Good."



I was like, "Just getting my physical."

He said, "Me too."



I said, "What you shooting?"

He said, "Movie with Adam Sandler."



He says,

"Good to see you," and he left.



And after he left I was just like,

"Oh, my God.



That was the motherfucker

I bitch-slapped on the Internet."



And he was so classy, you know?



I wasn't even looking.

The dude was behind me.



He could have come up behind me

with a fucking chair and been like:



He was like, "Hey, Kevin." And he

could have then hit me with a chair.



So I'd see it was him.

That would've been my move.



I would have been like,

"Hey, Paul."



If he said something about me.

But he was real classy. That was cool.



I felt bad for my comment.

I was like, "I shouldn't have said that."



Any run-ins with studio execs?



- Who actually did hit me with a chair?

- Yeah. No.



I guess, having to make compromises...

Are there things you held back...



...because of test audiences,

executive decisions, things like that?



You got all serious on me.

We were having fun.



When I worked on Mallrats,

there were notes I didn't like.



Since it was my second movie,

I wound up taking them.



I didn't find the diplomatic way around

avoiding the notes. I bought into it.



For example, there was a scene

in Mallrats where Jay and Silent Bob...



...and Brodie and T.S.

are in the food court...



...talking about scars they've gotten

from going down on girls.



When I handed in the script, they said,

"No audience will find this funny.



It's too racy.

This doesn't belong in a movie."



I was like, "All right." I pulled

it out. I put it in a better movie.



Then there was a sequence where Jay

and Silent Bob throughout the movie...



...were running around

the fucking mall and shit.



One of the running gags

in the first and second draft...



...was they were constantly busting in

on Gwen when she was trying on shit.



And one of the times,

they were in a booth next to her...



...and they were peeking

through a hole in the wall.



It was my homage

to that great cinema epic Porky's.



And Silent Bob starts jerking off.

And he jerks off...



...and he shoots up in the air...



...and it comes over

and lands in Gwen's hair.



She screams, and they

go tearing-ass out.



The next time you see Gwen, when

she meets up with T.S. and Brodie...



...she still has it matted

in her hair.



That was in the script.

They were like, "That's not funny."



I swear, this is a true story.



"That's not funny.

Nobody will pay to see that.



You will turn off an audience

with come-in-the-hair-type jokes."



So I took it out, and then somebody

else put it in their movie.



They didn't take my idea.

Great minds think alike.



They did it, and their movie

made     million bucks.



I was perturbed about that. But that

was the only time, during Mallrats.



We were so new to the process,

we believed whatever we were told.



We wanted to make it for $  million.

They were like, "lt'll be $  million."



Why? We don't have

to make a movie for   million.



It's a couple of kids running around

a mall. It doesn't cost that much.



It's not like it has

a rubber poop monster in it.



They said, "You can't make a movie for

less." I said, "We made one for $     ."



They're like,

"That's not a real movie, is it?"



I should have known right there. I sat

there going, "I guess you're right."



Maybe it'll be a cartoon one day.



So we bought into it.

You grow older, and you're like:



"Wait, I have more power than this."

You start ignoring certain things.



Particularly bad notes

about removing come-in-hair jokes.



- Thanks.

- Thanks.



On the topic that you

brought out on comic books...



...the "true Hollywood story"

with Superman Lives...



...and whether it was you who didn't want

Tim Burton to go down with it...



...or if he just wasn't happy with what

you'd done with it...  What's your take?



This is going back a few years.



In '   '   I was commissioned

by Warner Bros...


            write a script

for a new Superman movie.



And how it came about, I think,

was that somebody saw Mallrats...



...somebody at Warner Bros...



...and was just like...

Watched Brodie and T.S. talk...



...about the Kryptonite condom,

and they were like:



"This guy seems to know

a lot about Superman."



So I got called in for a meeting

at Warner Bros.



They said, "There's a couple projects

that you can rewrite."



At this point, the script for

Chasing Amy had started circulating.



People were like, "He can write."

So they offered me rewrite work.



They said, "We have three projects."

I said, "What are they?"



"One is a remake of an Outer Limits

episode called 'The Architects of Fear. '



The second

is Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian. "



I was like, "Didn't we say all we needed

to say with the first Beetlejuice?



Must we go tropical?"



And the third was a project

called Superman Reborn.



That's what interested me. I was like,

"You're gonna make another Superman?



I'd love to do that." And they said,

"Well, that's a long shot.



I can't give you that right here.

That has to go through lots of people...



...because it's a big franchise."

I said, "What do I have to do?



Whose fucking dick do I have

to suck to get this job?"



And thankfully, he didn't say his.



He said, "Why don't you take

the script home...


            it, and tell me

what you think of it."



I read the script and was like:



"This is fucking terrible.

This is a horrible script."



It was really, really bad.



It was kind of like

the Batman TV-show version...



...of a Superman movie.

Very campy.



I went back to Warner Bros.,

sat down with the dude.



He was like, "What did you think?"

I said, "It was quite bad."



He said, "'Bad' meaning good?"

I said, "No, bad. Fucking terrible."



And I'm going on for about five

minutes how bad the script is:



"Did you pay somebody to write this?

Is the writer somebody's cousin?



Who let somebody write this script?



You paid this dude?

Can you get the money back?



Because this is horrendous."



He was looking at me, nodding and

going, "Well, thanks for coming in."



I called my friend Walter in Jersey.

He's a big comic book fan. I was like:



"I went into Warner Bros. And told

them their Superman script sucked.



Revel, revel. Jersey, represent.



Fuck Hollywood!" Walter's like, "Why

didn't you offer to write it better?"



And I was like:



Because I hadn't thought of that.

I said, "Fuck!"



But the next day my agent called:

"They want to see you at Warner Bros."



I said, "Really? All right."



So I went back. It was the same dude

I talked to originally...



...and there was another dude.

The first guy was like:



"Do me a favor, tell him what you

told me about the Superman script."



And I was like, "All right. It's bad.

Sucks. Did your cousin write it?"



Did that for about five minutes,

and they just nodded...



...and then they're like,

"Well, thanks for coming in."



I went home. The next day,

got another call from my agent:



"They wanna meet with you at

Warner Bros. Again." I said, "All right."



Because I really didn't

have much to do.



So I go back, and it's the two dudes

and now there's a third dude.



They're all in a semi-circle of chairs,

and the first two guys are like:



"Tell him what you told us

about the Superman script."



I just imagined it as a kind

of water cooler situation.



One guy's standing at the water cooler

with somebody, and he was like:



"You should hear what the Clerks dude

said about the Superman script."



The other guy's like, "What'd he say?"

He's like, "Fuck it. Just bring him in."



So I told them again, and it went on

like that for a whole week.



I'd go back, there'd be another

person. I kept saying the same shit.



Finally, I got to the guy at the top,

Lorenzo di Bonaventura.



Now there's six to eight guys

at a large table.



They're all like, "Tell Lorenzo

what you told us about Superman. "



I did my spiel, and Lorenzo said,

"What would you do differently?"



I said, "I hadn't thought about it,

but you could try this and that."



He's like, "We'll give you a shot at it."

I said, "All right. Awesome."



He goes, "It's pending

approval of the producer."



I said, "Who's the producer?"

They said, "Jon Peters. Meet with him."



Jon Peters, if you don't know,

is a producer on movies like...



He was an exec producer

on Rain Man.



He was a producer on Batman.



He was a producer on The Main Event,

the Barbra Streisand boxing movie.



He got his start in the business

as Barbra Streisand's hairdresser.



One day, he became a producer.



Because in Hollywood,

you just kind of fail upwards.



So anyway, I'm going

to meet Jon Peters.



I go to his place. And he

was a hard-core producer on Batman.



It was his baby from beginning to end.

When you get to his house, it shows...



...because it's like driving up

to Wayne Manor.



This is a big mansion,

through woods and shit.



It looks like there's

a holographic cave to one side.



So they bring you in, and he shows up

wearing short tennis shorts and shit.



He's a built dude

with a perfect head of hair...


            well-quaffed, or coiffed.



He says, "They tell me you got

a take on Superman. " I tell it to him.



After I'm done, he's looking

at me, nodding. He goes:



"You know why you and me will do

a good job on Superman?"



I said, "Why?" He's going,

"You and me, we get Superman.



You know why?"

I said, "No."



He said, "Because you and me,

we're from the streets."



Now I grew up in suburban New Jersey.



Never saw a black man

till I was about   .



I'm the farthest thing from the streets

there are. I grew up on a street.



But not on "the streets."



I'm thinking, "I'm from the suburbs,

you're a hairdresser.



Neither of us are from the street."

But I don't say that. I want the job.



So I said, "Who would you see

playing Superman?"



He said,

"If I had to cast it right now?"



I said, "Yeah."

And he said, "Sean Penn."



And I was like, "Spicoli?"



It was an interesting choice. He's like,

"Did you see Dead Man Walking?"



I said, "Yeah." He's going,

"Look in his eyes in that movie.



He's got the eyes of a violent,

caged animal, of a fucking killer."



And I was like,

"Dude, it's Superman."



He's like, "I got some directives

for you if you move forward...



...some things I want you to do and

don't in the script. Three things, okay?



One, I don't wanna see him

in that suit.



Two, I don't wanna see him fly.



And three, he's got to fight

a giant spider in the third act."



I'm like, "Let's go back to one. When

you say you don't want him in the suit... "



He's like, "Don't wanna see him in it.

It looks too faggy."



And I was just like,

"No fags on the street, I take it."



I don't say that because I want

the fucking job.



He said, "I don't wanna see him fly."



I said, "Well, the suit and flying

define Superman."



He said, "Don't wanna see it.



No scenes where he's flying around

carrying people. Horseshit."



I said, "All right, no flying."



I said, "But the giant spider

intrigues me.



Why that?" And he's like,

"Do you know anything about spiders?"



And I said, "No."



He said, "They're the fiercest

killers in the insect kingdom."



And I was like, "What does that have

to do with our non-flying Superman?"



He said, "There's gonna

be a scene that I want.



When I saw King Kong as a kid, there's

a scene where King Kong's revealed...



...and it's a real big moment.

I want that in this movie.



I want some doors to open up

and a big fucking spider's there."



So I was just like,

"All right. I'll give it a shot."



So I went back to Warner Bros.,

and they said:



"We heard from him. He likes you.

We're gonna hire you and move forward.



Did he bring up the spider?"



I said, "He did! He brought up

the spider. Did he tell you?"



They're like,

"Every day with the spider."



I said, "What should I do?" They're like,

"Do it, but try not to call it a spider.



Can you call it something else?"

I was like, "Thanagarian Snare Beast?"



They're like, "Go."



I was ready to go start writing, then

I was told to write an outline first.



I was like, "What? An outline?"



They said, "Give us an overview

so we can approve the story...


            you can go write the script.

We need an outline."



I said, "Can I include dialogue?"

They said, "Yeah."



Dialogue's about the only thing

I know how to do, so I wrote    pages.



Just an   -page outline

with tons of dialogue...



...and very few prose passages.



I was in L.A. all this time.

I wanted to go back to Jersey.



I turn it in and say,

"I'm going back to Jersey.



Let me know what you think.

You can reach me at home."



And they said, "Well, first off,

this is    pages."



I was like, "It's the outline."



They're like,

"An outline is, like, four pages max."



And I was like, "Well, I'm just

overcompensating 'cause I grew up fat."



They said, "Second off, you can't leave.

You gotta read Jon the outline."



And I said, "What do you mean...?

Read Jon the outline?"



They said, "Yeah. He likes to have

the outlines read to him by the writer."



And I said, "Do I have to fucking

tuck him in when I'm done too?"



So I go back up

to fucking Wayne Manor.



I sit down with Jon.

And Jon puts me in a chair.



He's got a couch

in this huge fucking living room.



He lays down on the couch,

and he goes:



And I said, "What's with that?"



And he's like, "I like to visualize

the movie while it's being read to me.



So I'm looking at it up here."

He was building a little screen...


            his mind's eye.

This was a screen.



So I was just like, "All right.

Here we go." And I start reading.



Since it's Superman, you tend

to use the term "Superman" a lot.



I didn't wanna keep doing that. Being

a comic book fan, I changed it up.



Called him Kal-El when he was on

Krypton. Man of Tomorrow, Man of Steel.



So I'm reading the first few pages,

when he's a baby on Krypton.



I had to redo the origin. It's Kal-El

this, Kal-El that, blah, blah, blah.



And he's like, "Wait a second.

Wait a second. Who the fuck is Kal-EI?"



And I was like, "Kal-El is Superman."



He's going, "All right. Why?" And I

was like, "That's his Kryptonian name."



And he goes:

I'm like, "Krypton's where he's from."



He's like, "Right, right. Fucking

planet. Boom. All right, all right."






So we go back into it and shit,

and I read it.



When I'm all done, he's like, "All

right, I think we got a movie here.



The problem:

You're missing action beats.



Every    pages,

something big has to happen."



I said, "What are you thinking about?"

He's like, "It's just an example:



The scene where Brainiac goes to the

Fortress of Solitude to find Superman."



Superman's dead at this point.

Hope I didn't spoil the movie.



"Brainiac's looking for him at the

Fortress. Something should happen.



There should be a big fight."

I'm like, "But Superman's dead."



He's like, "I know, but can't Brainiac

fight something else up there?"



I was like, "Well, like what?"



He's like, "What about, like,

Superman's guards? His soldiers."



And I'm like,

"Why would Superman need guards?



You know, he's Superman. And plus,

it's called the Fortress of Solitude.



Nobody's up there."



He said, "Jesus Christ.

Where is it? Is it in the Antarctic?"



I said, "Yeah."

He's like, "What about polar bears?"



I was like, "Polar bears?" He said,

"Yeah. Have him fight polar bears.



Brainiac's trying

to get in the Fortress.



Polar bears come at him, and he just

fucking kills one, and one runs away.



Because we don't want to piss off

the PETA people."



I said, "You want me to write a scene

where Brainiac is wrassling polar bears?"



He says, "Yeah.

You know anything about polar bears?"



I said, "No, I don't."



He's like, "Polar bears are the

fiercest killers in the animal kingdom."



At this point, I'm just like:



"This dude has way too much access

to the Discovery Channel."



So I get done with my first draft,

and I send it in, and they like it.



They start sending it off to people.

They send it to Nic Cage, Tim Burton.



During this time, we have

the premiere for Chasing Amy.



I invite Jon because I know he

doesn't know anything about my work.



In fact, nobody at Warner Bros.

knows my work...



...beyond having read the script

for Chasing Amy.



I was always afraid somebody

at Warner Bros. Would be like:



"We gave our multimillion-dollar

franchise to the Clerks guy?



Like, he's gonna turn in a script with

fucking Clark jumping on Lois going:



'How many fucking dicks

did you suck?"'



I figured it was fair to invite the

producer of the movie I was writing...


            see my new movie.



I said, "We're having a premiere

for Chasing Amy.  Wanna come?"



He showed up,

and I talked to him the next day.



He was going,

"Interesting. Interesting flick."



Which in Hollywood means

"I didn't like it at all."



He's going,

"You know what I liked?



The gay black guy.

I liked that a lot. I liked his voice."



I said, "Yeah, Dwight is very funny."



He said, "That's what we need

in our movie."



I was like, "You want Dwight?

He'd be happy to do it."



He said, "No. We just need

that voice, that character...



...somebody like him in our movie.

Can't Brainiac have a sidekick?"



And I was like, "Yeah, I guess."



And he's like,

"Give him a little robot sidekick...



...and give him that dude's voice."



I said, "Really? You want the robot

to sound like a gay black man?"



And he said, "That's what this movie

needs, a fucking gay R -D ."



At this point, the Star Wars

movie was in rerelease.



It opened up that previous weekend,

made like    million bucks.



He'd gone to see it again. He was like,

"We need shit like that in our movie.



We need something that we can

make toys of and shit like that.



Like Chewie.

We need Chewie in this movie."



I was like, "You want me to just

fucking write Chewie into the movie?



Superman wrassling Chewie?"



He said,

"No, but something like that.



Maybe Brainiac has a little cute dog,

and we can make a toy out of it.



Because that's what it's about.

We gotta sell toys off this movie."



I said, "I don't know

if that's gonna work."



He said, "Don't tell me it's not

gonna work. I want my Chewie."



I was like, "I got

your fucking Chewie right here."



But I don't say that

because I like the job.



So Tim Burton and Nic Cage

sign on based on my draft.



And I was kind of excited.

That's kind of neat.



Fucking Tim Burton, Batman.

And Nic Cage, you know...



Fucking Nic Cage.



But when Tim Burton

got signed onto the project...



...Tim Burton signed

a pay-or-play deal...



...which means, no matter what happens,

Tim Burton gets paid his directing fee.



At that point, it was    million bucks.

  to    million dollars.



Tim Burton, once he signs

the deal, turns around and says:



"I'm gonna bring on my guys

to write a script."



Warner Bros. Was like, "What

about the script we're developing?"



He said, "I don't wanna use that.

I wanna do my own script."



Presumably a version of Superman

where he has scissors for hands.



So they turn around and tell me,

"Kevin, we're done.



Tim wants to go another way with a new

writer." And I was like, "All right."



I wasn't really that upset.

I'd worked on it for two drafts...



...and I got to hang out with

a really fucked up, kooky dude.



A dude who I can tell stories about

for the rest of my life.



And they paid me a lot of money.

I would have done it for free.



I didn't tell them that.

And it was just fun.



I got to work on Superman.  I got

incredible access into the DC archives.



People would give me

free Superman shit all the time.



Then I got shitcanned, and I

started throwing Superman stuff away.



Who needs to be reminded?



But I was really reminded the next

summer when I went to the movies...



...and saw a movie

that Jon Peters had produced.



And it was called

The Wild Wild West.



I'm sitting in the theater

watching the movie.



I'm like, "Good Lord,

this is a piece of shit."



But then, all of a sudden...



...a giant fucking spider shows up.



Here's a quick follow-up question:

Did you enjoy Batman?



Since the same people...



Did I enjoy Batman?

Yeah, I enjoyed Batman.



With all its flaws and shit.

Yeah. Absolutely.



When the movie came out,

I had no idea I wanted to be in film.



I just watched movies.

That summer was huge.



You couldn't turn around

without seeing the bat signal.



People were cutting it

into their fucking heads.



It was the summer of Batman.  If you

were a comic book fan, it was hot.



I was real deep into it at that point.



I had just gotten back into comics, and

Batman was everywhere, so I was a fan.



But Tim Burton, I guess, like...



Ever since the Superman incident,

people bring me copies of the script.



They buy it at comic book conventions or

the Internet and ask me to autograph it.



I say, "All right."

And I always write, "Fuck Tim Burton."



Because I figure he'll never see it.

But I guess Tim Burton finally saw one.



Because during the summer, right

before Jay and Bob came out...



...and after Planet of the Apes

came out...



...there was a piece that ran

in the New York Post on Page Six...


            which Burton

chewed me a new asshole.



At the end of Planet of the Apes...

Hope I'm not spoiling it for anyone.



Marky Mark goes back

to fucking present day.



It is fucking Marky Mark.



I don't care

what he calls himself now.



It was just like, "Feel it, feel it."

You know?



The underwear dude.



Marky Mark goes back to the present

day and lands at the Lincoln Memorial.



The Lincoln Memorial has

a monkey's head on it or something.



The cops get out,

and they're all monkeys. He's like:



And the audience is like, "What?"



I'm talking to this dude from the

New York Post named Lou Lumineck.



He's a friend who's been covering

our stuff from the get-go on Clerks.



He used to live

in Bergen County, in Jersey.



So he goes... We were talking

about Planet of the Apes.



I was like, "Did you see it?

What'd you think?"



"It was fucking terrible!"

"It was real bad.



Let's just try to ignore it

and pretend it never happened.



But there's one thing in that movie I

found interesting, a weird coincidence.



You got the Jay and Silent Bob




I had done this comic book miniseries

called Chasing Dogma...



...that took place between the movies

Chasing Amy and Dogma.



When they leave Chasing Amy,

the comic book story happens.



At the tail end of the comic book,

in the last page, they enter Dogma.



It was a little miniseries

that bridged it, and fun to do.



We used a whole section of it for

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.



The whole section with the monkey

came right out of the comic book.



At one point, just like in the movie,

where Jay is imagining...



...what's gonna happen

when monkeys take over the planet...



...or if monkeys took over the planet.

We did that in the comic book.



Same montage. There was one shot

in the comic that wasn't in the movie...



...which was a bunch of apes pulling

the head off the Lincoln Memorial...



...and replacing it with a monkey head.



When I saw Planet of the Apes,

I was like:



"That's fucked up!

I put that in a comic book once."



On the phone with Lou, I was like,

"Pick up your copy of Chasing Dogma.



Go to this page." He looks and goes,

"My God! It's just like in the movie."



I say, "Isn't that fucked up?

Great minds think alike, motherfucker."



He said, "You wanna say something?

We can make a piece for the paper."



I said, "All right."

Because I'm a press whore.



I will do anything

to see my name in print.



So I was just like, "Yeah, great."

Even though it wasn't news.



He said, "What do you have to say

about it?" I said, "I'm really mad.



I feel like I've been ripped off,

and I am contemplating legal action."



We're on the phone, like:



Forty-year-old guy,

  -year-old guy:



So he's like, "You mind if I call

Tim Burton and get a comment?"



I said, "Go ahead. Let's get Tim

in on it. That'll be awesome."



So the piece runs in the paper

two days later on page six.



And it said, "Smith Furious at Burton,"

or something akin to that.



And I read the article, and my quotes

don't come off as like:



"I feel... I'm pissed off."

It says, "He's very pissed off.



He feels ripped off, and he's

currently contemplating legal action."



I'm going,

"That's not what I said at all.



I didn't say it. I was:

What? You know?



That's not in the article.

Where's the...?"



And in the piece it said, "When asked

for comment, Tim Burton said:



'Anybody that knows me knows that

I would never read a comic book."'



Which to me explains fucking Batman.



But it said...

Then the next quote was:



"And I would especially never read

anything created by Kevin Smith."



And I was just like,

"Holy shit, man!"



Like, the claws came out.

The scissor-hands came out.



Because Tim, I don't know

if you've ever seen him in interviews...



I think they did

an A&E Biography on him.



But I've seen stuff with Tim in it, and

he's always like, "I'm a goofy artist."



"I'm Goth, and I just like movie magic."

You know?



Just like a real artsy-fartsy

fucking weirdo.



And he wears the black, and he wears

big fucking Jackie O. Glasses.



And he's got the hair that goes up

and cascades.



He looks like an art-school student.

Always like this: You know?



Doesn't dress nice, like this.



Suddenly, Tim went from being like,

"I'm just a very kooky guy"...


            "Fuck fat Smith!



Fuck him up his ass!



I'm Tim Burton!

Who the fuck does he think...?



I stole from him? Fuck you!"



You know,

the verbal equivalent in the press.



And I was flabbergasted.

Taken aback.



I'm used to saying shit

about people left and right.



Nobody ever says anything back

because people are fairly political.



But for one brief moment, Tim Burton

was just like, "The gloves are off!



Let's go."



So I called up Lou. I was like, "What

did you do to me? What's going on?"



He's going, "I told you

it would be a page six story."



I said, "I didn't know you would

run it like a serious item."



He said, "Once I got the Tim Burton

quote, I thought it was great."



I was like,

"Yeah, but did you read it?"



He said, "Yeah, it's funny as hell."

I was like, "It's funny to me and you!



Everyone else thinks... I got people

calling me. CNN, the L.A. Times...



...they wanna know when

I'm suing   th Century Fox.



We were..."



And he said, "Look, man, just be

happy, because he had more to say."



Lou, after we got done talking,

called Tim's publicist.



Tim's publicist's name is Bumble Ward.



I'm not making it up.



Say it one more time.

Tim's publicist's name is Bumble Ward.



There is somebody on this planet...



...named Bumble.



Bumble fucking Ward.

He calls Bumble, and he's like:



"Kevin Smith said this about Planet of

the Apes.  Would Tim like to comment?"



And Bumble Ward at first

was just like, "No." Click.



Lou started writing his article.

The phone rang five minutes later.



It was Bumble Ward.



And she said, "Tim does,

in fact, have a statement."



He's like, "What is it?"



She read off that statement

that he printed.



Apparently, Bumble was like, "What

is he,   ? He's got nothing to say"...



...and was talking to Tim like,

"The dude who made Clerks...



...says you stole the ending

of Planet of the Apes from him."



And Tim was like, "He said what?

Get them back on the phone!



Here's my statement: I would never

read anything created by Kevin Smith."



So Lou said, "Be happy that

I went to press as soon as I did...



...because    minutes later,

Bumble Ward called back...


            say Tim has more statements

to make."



Like, apparently, Tim was just like,

"I... Fucking... And say this too!



He's ugly and his mother

dresses him funny.



And fucking Mallrats was stupid.

And fucking... His wife's got big ears!"



You know? Shit.



But he'd gone to press

so he couldn't put it in the article.



I always thought that if I ever

write a book one day...



...a novel or something like that,

and you have to put quotes on the back...


            know, little review

blurbs and shit.



Like, "It was a great read."

"Smith knocks one out of the park!"



I'm gonna take that Tim Burton quote

and use that as the last quote.



"I would especially never read

anything created by Kevin Smith."



Hi. I'm gonna play the bad guy

in this situation.



Union Board has come up and told me

five times to cut it off. So...



I'm sorry.



Kevin! Kevin!



It's just the way that this is set up.

I'm sorry.



Nothing against you. I've enjoyed

this evening and listening to you.



- Thanks. That's cool.

- Everyone, if you want to...



He'll be out in the lobby

if you want to meet him.



The quicker he goes to the lobby, you

can meet him and chitchat all you want.



My name's Hubert Vought,

but everyone knows me as Bucky.



- Bucky!

- Yeah.



You don't have to ask a

single fucking question now.



Ladies and gentlemen, it's Bucky.



Rock the mike, Bucky.



I just...



- What was your real name?

- Hubert.






I think movies, in the past few years,

the quality has gone downhill.



- Because of me?

- No, no. Your shit's good.



Is that what you're getting at?

I've feared that myself.



What do you think, and what do you do

to make sure you make a quality flick?



As soon as I got into the game,

everything went to hell.



There was a guy that made

a movie called George Washington. 



Did anyone see it?



So that's about nine?



In the paper the dude said...

Somebody was saying, like:



"There were filmmakers who came

before you, like Kevin Smith...



...that helped pave the way."



And he went off on a tear.



And he was just like, "Look,

that dude lowered the bar.



He didn't really make it easier

for us to get in.



He just turned filmmaking into

a kind of Special Olympics."



Which I couldn't be too mad at

because it was a funny line.



It's like, I'm leading the way of the

handicapable, you know?



So that dude insisted

that I lowered the bar.



I gave that a good think or two,

when I first read that comment.



I was like, "Did I lower the bar?



Did I get in and really fuck it up?

Did it all go south with me?"



And then I thought, "No."



Because, come on, nobody's

really seen the movies I've done.



Because, come on, nobody's

really seen the movies I've done.



Hi. My name's Tim Ruend.



And aesthetically speaking,

all your films...



There's been some criticism

as to camera movement and...



Are we talking about the movies?



I thought you were like,

"Aesthetically speaking...


           've gotta lose

some fucking weight."



But I know you worked with Robert

Yeoman on Dogma, I think it was.



And I was just wondering

if there was any future plans...


            maybe have a different look

to your films?



Not essentially.

I don't think I have a look, per se.



The look is dictated by

what the movie's about.



But I don't really

have a style, per se.



The first thing I read about

our work in the legitimate press...



...was in The Village Voice.  Amy Taubin

wrote this mini-review of Clerks... 



...when it played at the     

Independent Feature Film Market.



And she said,

"His style is that he has no style."



And I said, "Yeah."

So I just adopted that.



And I figured, that's my style.

I just don't have a style.



People look at a Tim Burton movie,

they're like, "That's Tim."



Look at a movie with no credits, you'll

find out if it's the Coen brothers.



Martin Scorsese, same thing.

But mine, not at all.



You can close your eyes and listen,

and then you'd be like:



"It's that guy's movies, because

somebody said 'fucking cock smoker."'



I've never been that big into

the visual aspect of it.



I get tagged for it a lot

because I bring it up a lot.



I believe in the philosophy of:



Say something negative about yourself

before somebody else has the chance.



If I'm like, "My movies

look like shit."



Then there are people

who are like, "Well, he knows."



Because I do that a lot,

people just go into every movie...



When Hollywood Reporter reviewed

Jay and Bob Strike Back... 



...Kirk Honeycutt said, "It's a Kevin

Smith movie, so it doesn't look good."



That was unfair. It looked wonderful

compared to everything else we did.



But, I don't know. I just don't feel

the need to develop a visual style.



- Thanks.

- Thanks.



I'm just lazy, dude.

Takes too much work.



How much leeway do you give actors?



Like, you write a line for Jay

and he starts rambling.



Do you cut him or say, "Let him go,"

and see how it came out?



- I mean, all the actors you deal with.

- Is it like that?



- Where I ramble and ramble? No.

- Mike.



There's no rambling.

Usually we go over it beforehand.



I'll say a few things, he'll be like,

"Fuck that, no! Stick to that."



I'll be like, "Can I smoke?"

He'll be like, "No."



I'm always trying to smoke in the

scene, just so I can smoke.



But, no, it's not like that.



- How is it?

- It's like I said.



- We go...

- You stay to the script?



I add some stuff,

but I do it before we start shooting.



And sometimes I'll throw,

like, one word in or something...



"I add some shit.

Every once in a while I put in a word."



A word or two. But no,

I pretty much stick to the script.



He wants me to stick to the script,

this fuck.



I'm fairly dictatorial with him

and with the other guys as well.



Him, though, I tend to be

even more guarded with.



Because there's a line, a very thin

line that that character has to walk.



Because he could be

potentially very offensive...



...but for some reason winds

up being very sweet.



My theory about that has always

been because, like Jason himself...



...the character has no moral barometer.



Like, doesn't say things

to hurt people or to be mean.



Just says them because he has

no fucking clue, good or bad.



But he came up with a bit

of business in the last movie.



With every movie,

Mewes has grown better.



Like, in the first movie,

I wrote the script.



I wrote it to his intonations,

his inflections, his catch phrases...



...and handed it to him and said,

"Read it." I said, "What do you think?"



He's like, "I don't know

if I can do this."



I was like, "This is fucking you!"



And so we spent a month

teaching Jay how to be Jay.



Like, "Snoogans."

He's like, "Why would I say that?"



I'm like, "Why do you say that?"



But with each movie it got better.

Like, in the first movie...



...there's a scene where we dance

outside the convenience store.



We're shooting, it's   in the morning,

in the middle of Leonardo...



...fucking dead,

there's four people on the crew:



Me, Scott Mosier,

Dave Klein, the DP...



...and I think Ed was still there.

Ed was still there at that point.



We're about to do this sequence

where we dance in front of the store.



Mewes says, "I can't do it."

I said, "Why?"



And he's like,

"It's just all these people."



This is the kind of dude who,

if you know him for five minutes...



...he'll take his cock out.



The kind of dude

you're driving with...



...and you hear him go,

"It's chilly in here, isn't it?"



You look over at him

and he's got his cock hanging out...



...and he's leaning back,

looking at you.



He's like a baby. When a baby discovers

their genitalia, they're just:



But here he was, not dancing.



"What are we supposed to do?"

He's like, "Get them out of here."



So Mosier, Ed and Dave

went inside the convenience store.



Dave turned on the camera and walked

away. And he was like, "Go, I guess."



Then we did our thing. As we

progressed, like on Mallrats... 



...we had a bigger crew, shooting in an

operational mall. Time, money, people.



And we're like, "We can't throw

   people off the set...



...because you feel shy to knock

on the glass with the kitties.



Just do it. Just fucking dance."

And he got over it and stuff like that.



I don't know where the fuck

I was going with this.



You were saying how I progressed.



- You were talking about each film.

- Okay, I know where I'm going with it.



- I guess.

- Thanks.



So on Chasing Amy the dude

only worked for one day.



I said to the crew, the day we

were gonna shoot our scene.



I collected them all together,

all the keys. I'm like:



"Tonight we shoot with Jason Mewes.

Could be the longest night of our lives.



We haven't had much time

to rehearse.



We may have to shoot a line,

turn the camera off, rehearse...



...shoot that line,

and do that all night long.



So bear with me. Bear with him,

especially. Have patience."



So we go to shoot the scene.



Mewes whips through

all his dialogue like a pro...



...with the tiny bit of rehearsal

we did.



And then it comes to me and I'm like,

"You're chasing...



Fuck. Cut. What's the line?"



And Mosier's like, "Amy."



I was like, "Right. Go again."

"You're chasing Amy."




"You're chasing Amy."



"Fuck, cut!" You know?

Couldn't remember anything.



Went on for    takes trying

to spit out that stupid speech.



- I think it was   .

- Twelve takes.



Don't make me look like a fool, boy.



Twelve takes.

Making lines up as I go.



And Affleck's going

out of his fucking mind...



...because Affleck is a dude that loves

to ad-lib. Just loves to tack on shit.



Like when...



He'll do his dialogue and then

put on a little P.S. to every line.



In Chasing Amy, they're sitting on the

swings and she's explaining fisting.



And he reacts. And then she says,

"It's reserved for special occasions."



And he says, "Well, what about

not-so-special occasions?"



We're shooting. He goes,

"What about not-so-special occasions?



What, do you just hit her

in the fucking head with a bat?"



And I'm like, "Fucking cut.

What are you doing?



We're trying to tell a love story."



He's like, "Oh, yeah,

a love story with fisting in it."



I said, "But still,

what are you doing?"



He's like, "It's a funny line.

Leave it in. My peeps will love it."



This is '   he had no peeps.



He's like, "Leave that line in.

People will love it."



I said, "Dude, I'm not going

to leave your shit in.



If you want to make up lines,

go write your own fucking script."



And he did that

and he won an Oscar. So... 



So Affleck's sitting there as I make up

lines he knows are not in the script.



And he's like, "What happened

to no ad-libbing?"



I'm like, "I'm the writer. When I'm

ad-libbing, it's like another draft."



Dogma, though, we kept impressing on

this cat, "You've gotta be topnotch.



You are the strong back

that's got to carry the movie.



You've gotta be funny

and on cue all the time.



You gotta know your lines.

You can't be shy...



...because we got real actors

in the movie this time."



And he's like, "Not like Affleck?"

And I was like, "Not like Affleck."



He's like, "Who?"

I'm like, "We got Alan Rickman."



He's like, "Who the fuck's that?"



I said, "Alan Rickman. You know,

from Die Hard, yippee-kai-yay?"



He's like, "Bruce Willis?"

I said, "No."



"The other guy.

Alan Rickman, he's the villain."



He's like, "All right. So what?"



And I'm like, "Alan Rickman

is a British actor.



And British actors fucking

invented acting.



They will chew the scenery around you.



He won't put up for 'snoochie

boochies' and shit like that.



He needs you to be on

and fucking topnotch.



He's worked with the best.

You can't let a dude like this down."



As with all the other films, I rehearse

with all the actors separately...



...and Mewes I start with by himself

and then work him into the group.



So I sit down with Mewes to start

rehearsing. And he comes in, no script.



I'm like, "Where's your script?"

He said, "I don't need it."



I said, "What?"

He's like, "Just try me."



So I start reading the lines

that aren't Mewes'...



...and Mewes starts doing

his lines without a script.



I was like, "That's pretty good."

We keep going, and he knows everything.



I'm like, "Did you memorize

all your lines?"



He's like, "Everybody else's too."



And I said, "Bullshit!"

He said, "Try me."



So I read Mewes' lines

and he reads everybody else's lines.



Without a fucking script.



And I'm like, "What the fuck,

what are you, Rain Man?"






I said, "What the fuck happened, dude?

Why did you suddenly become a genius?"



And he said, "I don't want

to piss off that Rickman dude."



By the time we got to Jay and Bob,

he was at the top of his game.



And not just taking direction, but

actually giving direction back to me.



And we were rehearsing for the lightsaber

batt... Blunt-saber battle...



...we can't call it "lightsaber,"

Lucasfilm will sue...



...blunt-saber battle, and he's got

the double-sided bong-saber.



It's so embarrassing.



He comes back into this.

And he's like, "All right. So when I..."



He's going, "Moves?" And I said,

"Yeah?" 'cause he calls me "Moves."



He said, "What if I turn it off, then

I hit it and I blow the smoke out...



...and I turn on and go at it again?"



And I looked at him like,

"That's fucking brilliant!"



I ask the digital guy, Joe Grossberg,

"Can we do that?"



He's like, "We can do anything."

I said, "Let's do it."



It was satisfying to watch the movie

and that moment happens...



...and the audience goes nuts.



I was like, "Holy shit!

The dude's quite an idiot savant."



I was wondering where you got

"snooch to the nooch."



And the other one, from like... 



"Snoochie boochies."



Where'd they come from?

What do they mean?



Because you put them

in all of your movies.



Dude, you are the most timid

question asker I've ever met.



You're like, "I just want to ask... 

Snoochie boochies... "



Come on, with authority, dude.

Get in there. Own the mike.



Grab it like a fucking cock

and own it, dude!



Go ahead. Ask again.

Just bring the thunder.



Where did you get "snoochie boochies"

and "snooch to the nooch"?



You sound like Kermit.



That's adorable. Grab the mike

and say, "It's not easy being green."



- It's not easy being green.

- I hear you.



Why are there so many

songs about rainbows?



That was good.



See now, bolstered by that applause

you should be like, "I own the room!



Fuck the fat guy and him!

Just... It's me!"



When this gentleman was younger,

circa       still in high school...



...he used to run around...



- Pardon?

- Jason graduated?






He used to say things like,

"I'm gonna fuck your mother. Neh."



And the urgent, panicky "neh" meant,

"I'm kidding. Don't kick my ass."



So "neh" one day became,

"I'm gonna fuck your mother, nooch."



And then it went, "I'm gonna

fuck your mother, snooch."



And then, "I'm gonna fuck your

mother, snoochie boochies."



"I'm gonna fuck your mother,

snooch to the nooch."



And then, "I'm gonna fuck your

mother, snikadikadikadointch."



- That's right?

- That's great, yeah.



And then eventually it went

down to "snoogins."



Which, I guess, covered all the bases.



But it was essentially, "I'm kidding."



And it was weird to watch

language grow like that.



You know, from "neh"

all the way to "snoogins."



That's the story.



What it means, I guess,

is, "Don't kick my ass."



- Yeah. Just kidding.

- Just kidding.



Just kidding.



- Thank you guys very much.

- You're an excellent speaker.






How many times are you guys

gonna come to Wyoming?



We might as well

fucking get it on.



Are you...? Are you

Matthew McConaughey?






Is there...? So is the question,

"Are we gonna get it on?"



And by "get it on,"

do you mean "smoke," or "suck cock"?



Not "Are we gonna get it on?"

Are we gonna fucking get it on or...?



Look, I am willing to get it on... 



Whoa! Whoa!



- But not...

- Whoa! I think you misread me.



Maybe you misread me.



I was talking about you

sucking my dick.



Get your drunk ass down!



All right. Later.



Was there a question

in there somewhere?



All right, here's your chance.

That's a tough act to follow.



I totally fucking forgot

what I was going to say.



- Say again?

- I forgot.



After the show, are you guys

going to be puffing the chronics...



...or sitting on your asses?

- That's what he fucking asked!



Well, you know,

Jay makes himself out...


            be such a chronic smoking

motherfucker, what's up?



I couldn't hear.



If this dude is shaking

his head at you... 



Every question is like,

"You gonna smoke pot tonight?"



It's the second time

I got the question.



How do I get one

of them cards, you know?



From the show, you know?

The union card, you know?



Dude, that was a movie.



- The hair is short. I wear glasses.

- I still want the fucking card, okay?



All right. We'll work on that.



All right. We'll work on that.






- Go ahead.

- Okay.



I got a yes or no question.

Can you answer that?



- Lf you promise, I'll ask the question.

- Yeah.



All right. Did you or did you not

walk off with this tray?






For the rest who can't see, this is one

of the recent issues of High Times. 



Kevin Smith was on the cover.






I didn't walk away with it, but I will

tell you something interesting.



That is fucking real.



They're like, "Would Kevin mind

doing the cover of High Times?"



I'm like, "Shit, no,

I'm a press whore."



But they kept asking if I would mind.



I was like, "No, why would I care?

Of course not, no."



And then they show up

with enough fucking weed...


            get me, them and

everyone in my family put in jail...



...forever. Like, this was a

Midnight Express amount of weed.



It was fucking huge.

And I thought it was fake.



I was just like, "There's no way

anyone carries this much weed around.



Unless they're, like, Mewes."



I'm really dumb

when it comes to shit like that.



I'm not one of those people

that's like, "I smell weed."



I don't know the fucking smell.

I could count on...



...all your hands the amount

of times I've gotten high.



But I'm sitting there posing. It's hot,

I'm wearing a jacket and we're outside.



And I'm holding

this big fucking plate of weed.



And I'm like,

"This shit looks so real."



And he's like, "Yeah."



And I was like,

"What do you guys use?"



And he's like,

"What are you talking about?"



I was like, "This is weed?"



He's like, "We're High Times. "



And I was like, "Get the fuck

out of here! This is real?



You have me holding real weed

in the middle of suburbia? This much?



This isn't, like, personal use

or a little bit to get high with.



This is, like, intent

to fucking sell to China."



Like, "This is a lot."

And they're like, "Well, we cleared it.



We wanted to make sure

you were cool with it."



I was, "I didn't know it was gonna

be real. Can I have some?"



They gave us this much weed to keep.

Out of that whole plate.



But did you, in fact,

sell it to China?






Fuck China!



I sold that to Mewes, though.



I was like, "This is excellent shit.

Four, five... Eight, $   ."



He's like, "All right."



No, but they gave us

this big thing of weed.



Which we were kind

of terrified to have...



...because that, too,

was enough to get you in trouble.



So we were like,

"We better smoke it quick."



My name is Bethany,

just like the last scion in Dogma... 



...which is my favorite movie

you guys have done.



Also, my boyfriend

is you guys's biggest fan.



And if you guys come

to the Library after the show...



...he will buy you drinks, I swear

to God. And then I have two...



- Let's just go back a second.

- Okay.



His name is Travis

and he's sitting in the fourth row.



I swear to God,

if you come to the Library...



But did you say,

"He is you guys's biggest fan"?



- He is your biggest fan, I swear!

- Do you go to school here?



He can...



- Travis, stand up, babe!

- Are you a student here?



- Stand up! There he is.

- Hi, hi. Sit down, sit down.



- He can honestly...

- Do you go...? Stop fucking talking!



I'm sorry!



- Do you go to school here?

- Yes, I do.



And you're majoring in anything

but English or communications.



I'm in architectural engineering,




- Really?

- Yeah.



- So no need for good grammar.

- None whatsoever.



So the boyfriend's a big fan... 



And he will buy you guys drinks

if you meet us after the show.



- Okay.

- The Library Bar and Grill.



Absolutely. I'll be wearing

a sleeveless hooded sweatshirt...



...and he'll be wearing a wife-beater.



We'll be the ones going like:



"Where is that guy

who is us guys's biggest fan?"



I know for sure he can recite almost

every movie you guys have ever done.



- Is that true?

- That's true.



Is she embarrassing

the fuck out of you, or what?



He's like, "I told you not

to ask a fucking question!



Don't talk to me."



I heard through the grapevine...



...Jason got busted for heroin

possession on Monday. Is that true?



- On Monday?

- On Monday?



- No.

- No.



Anytime this week?



- I don't think I'd be here.

- Well, that's what I thought, but... 



I ain't touching this one.



No. It's not true.



Okay. That's very relieving to us.



Lots of... Lots of rumors about me

getting caught with heroin last week.



Then there was, like, four months ago.



I just get busted

all the fucking time with heroin.









Who are you?



Who's shouting?



Is that you? Come on up, man.

Just hang out with us.



Come on.



Dude, I'm asking you on stage.

You don't have to stand there going:



- Kick his ass!

- Come on over.



- What is your name?

- Adam Miller.



Calm down.

Get it out of your system, dude.



What is it that you want

to express besides:



Don't do the Jay rap.



One thing.



Oh, yeah.



Is that it?



All my friends will understand.



Get the fuck off my stage.



Oh, yeah.



Adam, what's your mom's number?



- What's your mom's number?

-    ...



- Can we call her?

- Yeah.



All right.



Nine...    ... 






This is your mom?



- What?

- This is your mom?



- Yeah.

- You sure?






Hey, who's this?



Are you Adam's dad? I'm gonna count

to three, say "hi" to Adam, okay?



We're at the college gig at Wyoming.

Hold on.



Count three and say, "Hi, Adam."

One, two, three.



Hello, Adam. 



We're at... Do you go here?

Do you go here, as well?



- Yeah.

- No, Adam goes here. I was asking Adam.



Adam is acting up, sir...

Mr. Miller.



Is your last name Miller?



Mr. Miller, Adam is acting up

so badly in the audience.



He's calling attention to himself...




throwing his hands in the air...



...and acting, frankly,

like he's been doing the pot.



What's that?



Can I...? I'm gonna count to three,

can you chastise your son for us?



Okay, on the count of three.



One, two, three.



Straighten up, Adam. 



Thank you, Mr. Miller.



Good night. Bye-bye.



Someone's getting a beating.



I was just wondering,

in all the Cousin Walter stories...



...and the oral sex stories in Chasing

Amy, did those actually happen?



Or did you just think of those

on your own?



You're asking me if I ever tried

to suck my own dick?



- In a roundabout way, yeah.

- Right.



"I really want

to ask him a question...



...but I don't want to come off

like a fag."



Have I ever...? Yeah, I've tried

to suck my own dick.



There's not much more

you could say, beyond that.



And that's when I knew

I could never be gay.



I wouldn't know what to say to a dude

after he busted a loaf in my mouth.



And that's not a condemnation.

I'm all for people being gay.



Personally, for me,

I just would not know what to say.



It would be socially awkward for me.



To just be like:



"What do you want to do now?"

You know?



Just don't have any pillow talk ready

for that situation.



But yeah, I tried.

When I was thinner.



Now it's like

I'd be sucking my own gut.



What about the oral sex stories?



The chipped tooth,

the scraped knees in the car?






I'm a real...

I'm not, like, an exciting fuck.



So most of my shit takes place

safely on the confines of a mattress.



And nothing ever got hurt.



I did get wounded once

in a sexual situation...



...but it was long after the movie. So

it was more like life imitating art...



...but it didn't have

anything to do with oral.



I had met my wife,

she interviewed me for USA Today. 



She used to work for USA Today. 



They told me, "A journalist's

gonna come interview you."



It was because of Ben and Matt,

in a roundabout way.



There was a period where,

when Good Will Hunting came out...



...everyone fucking loved it. And then

when it's heading toward the Oscars...



...other studios start trying

to fucking torpedo it.



There was a rumor going around

that William Goldman...



...the screenwriter who had written

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid... 



... The Princess Bride,

and a famous script doctor...



...that he had written

most of Good Will Hunting. 



People were trying to take the credit

from Ben and Matt.



There was a rumor I had written

some of Good Will Hunting... 



...because I was

an executive producer.



The Miramax people said,

"Can you do an interview?



We can't have Ben and Matt be like,

'lt's not true. '



It sounds too defensive.



If you say you didn't write it,

William Goldman didn't...



...and as long as you've known about

the script, Ben and Matt wrote it."



It's true. I read it long before

Miramax got involved.



It's always been their script.

I said, "All right."



They said, "We'll set you up

with a USA Today journalist...



...named Jennifer Schwalbach." I've

interviewed with a lot of journalists...


            particular at USA Today, 

and they're all    to    usually guys.



And the women I've met,

they look kind of like my mother.



You know, they're matronly.



Nobody fucking looks like Lois Lane.

That's the one thing I've noticed.



I do a lot of interviews

and I'm never like:



"Lois, I come from a planet

far... " You know.



Because they all look like my mom.



So I'm like, "Send her. I'll be at the

hotel." Because I was in Los Angeles.



We were in pre-production

on Dogma... 



...but I was out in Los Angeles

rehearsing with Chris Rock...



...because he was doing

Lethal Weapon... 



...   ?   ?



The one with fucking

Murtaugh and Riggs.



And Riggs is crazy.



So I'm out there rehearsing

with Chris Rock...



...and I break to do my interview.

I wait for this chick...



...and she shows up, and it's

the person who will become my wife.



It's this stunning young woman.

And I was so fucking blown away.



I was like, "What...?" I thought

somebody had sent a hooker to my room.



I'm like, "Why would a beautiful girl

be at my door?



This must be a prank." But she was

like, "I'm here to interview you."



And I was like,

"Get out of here. You?"



I couldn't not talk about the fact

that I was blown away...



...somebody so young

was working at USA Today... 



...because USA Today is the most

widely-read newspaper in the universe.



It goes to every fucking country.



What you see in America

is what you see in Germany...



...which is what you see

in France and Poland.



No matter what they write,

it shows up everywhere...


            every edition of USA Today

across the planet.



So I was like, "That's fucked up."



I was about to start directing my

fourth film, but I felt like a slacker.



Because here's this woman

in her mid-  s working at USA Today. 



I felt like I hadn't

accomplished anything.



So I was like, "Can you get me

a job at USA Today?



Because then

I will feel accomplished."



I interviewed for two hours.



Then afterwards we just sat around

bullshitting for three hours.



I dug her and we got along well,

but I didn't know if she liked me.



And I didn't even think I liked her,

because I'm not like that.



I don't get around a pretty girl and

be like, "I'm gonna make the move."



I have no self-confidence.

I can't read signals or anything.



For all I knew, she was being nice

to me because she interviewed me.



I also went in thinking she was trying

to get dirt on Ben and Matt.



So I was on my defensive. But then that

went away and we were just chatting.



Before she left, she said, "You got a

Web board? You answer questions on it?"



I said, "Yeah, all the time."



She said, "If I post on it,

would you answer a question?"



I said, "Yeah. I would. I'll do it."



A couple weeks later she put up a post.

I responded to it on the board...



...and her e-mail was attached

so we started an e-mail relationship.



That went to a phone relationship.



I was in Pittsburgh

and she was in Los Angeles.



And they told me that I had to go to

the Spirit Awards, the indie Oscars...



...because Chasing Amy

was nominated for three:



Best Picture, Best Screenplay, and

Best Supporting Actor, for Jason Lee.



And I didn't want to go.



We'd been nominated for Clerks

and didn't win anything.



So I was like, "There's no point.

Plus, I'm in heavy pre-production."



And the Spirit people said,

"You really, really should show up."



And I was like, "That means I'll win

an award. Fuck it, I'm going."



So Jen had been covering the award

circuit pretty heavily that year.



She was covering Golden Globes,

the Blockbuster Movie Awards.



The DGA, the WGA.



She was gonna be covering the Oscars.

So I called her up and I was like:



"I'm gonna go to the Spirit Awards,

are you covering it?"



She said, "No. That's the only

award ceremony I'm not covering."



She says, "Why?" I was like,

"'Cause I don't know anybody in L.A."



And she said, "I'll go

if you want me to."



I said, "Would you? Not as a date,

but would you just show up?" "Yeah."



So she showed up and when we got

there I was backstage all day...



...'cause I was presenting.

Once I finally got to sit down...



...I won for screenplay and I had to

go up and accept and do the press line.



So by the end of the night, everyone

cleared out and it was me and her.



We were driving, and she said,

"What do you want to do?"



I said, "I'd like to get out of

these clothes."



And she's like:

"Get out."



And I was like, "Not like that."

I was wearing a suit, but...



...wanted to wear something

nice like this instead.



She's like, "My apartment is

scummy and I didn't clean up."



I said, "It don't matter, I'm just

gonna put on some clothes."



We went to her place.

I changed, and we went out to eat.



We wound up just hanging out.

I was supposed to catch a plane... 



And then shit started to get smooth.



I can't remember how it happened.

There was no booze involved...



...which I was very proud of.



Sometimes I look at her and think:



"You'd have to be drunk

to fuck me, right?"



But she wasn't. We were talking

about how I have a tattoo.



And she was like, "Let me see it!"



I said, "No. I don't show anybody

my tattoo because it's on my arm.



I don't take my shirt off, ever."

And she said, "Well, ever?"



"I leave my shirt on in the shower.

I never, never take my shirt off."



She's like, "Well, I'll trade you. Show

me and I'll give you something."



I said, "Like what?"



You know, at this point,

devil and angel show up...



...and the devil's like,

"Head. Head. Ask for head."



And the angel's like, "Play it cool.

Don't be a pig."



Which I wouldn't be anyway. So I said,

"Let me see your driver's license."



"No, I'm never going to show anybody

my license. I look so stupid."



"My ears are just popping out." I said,

"But I'm a real big fan of your ears."



And she was like, "Really?" And I said,

"Yeah. They're, like, Dumbo ears."



Which could have really

gone either way.



But she was just like,

"That's kind of sweet."



I was like, "I do. I dig your ears.

That's your best feature.



Your ears are very striking. I'll show

you my tat if I can touch your ears."



And she said, "All right."



And I'm thinking,

"I'm gonna get laid tonight."



She comes and sits next to me,

I pull up my sleeve.



I have a long-sleeved shirt on, so it

takes    minutes to pull up my sleeve.



My arm flab is hanging out the sides

and I show her my tattoo.



She said, "That's so sweet." I said,

"Let me touch your ears now."



I touch her ears, first time I'm

actually touching her body...



...and I was immediately hard.



But she don't know that

'cause I'm wearing jeans.



She stays on the couch

and we're just chatting.



At one point she just kind of

lays in my lap.



She's like, "I'm so tired." I was

like, "Why don't you lay down?"



So she lays down in my lap,

you know, face up.



So I'm sitting there and she's

sitting kind of under my gut...



...and I'm having to, like,

pull my shit aside to see her eyes.



So she's laying with her head in my lap

and I'm like:



"I gotta be an idiot not to go for it."

'Cause I don't know.



As far as I know,

maybe she's just friendly...


            of those physically friendly

people and if I try to kiss her...



...she's gonna be like, "Ew, no! I just

like to lay my head in people's laps."



Then finally I was like,

"You know, fuck it."



So we're looking at each other

and I lean down and we kiss.



And I was like,

"Holy shit, I think she likes me!"



So we re-position on the couch

and start pretty heavily making out.



And she starts grinding into me,

like, she starts dry humping me.



And I'm like, "I am fucking definitely

getting laid tonight!"



But the problem is,

she is grinding into me so hard...



...and my dick is in

such an awkward position...



...that the inside of the zipper

of my jeans...


            grinding against

the back of my dick.



So here's, like, you know, here's the...

Here's my dick.



Gotta be honest. Here's my dick.



This is the top, here's the back.



Like this is the front, and then

there's like the cut here, and then... 



So this area right here, you know,

under the hood... The hood kind of...



You know, the collar goes away

when you get hard.



Here is this getting just driven

into the fucking zipper...



...through my underwear.

Bang, bang, bang. Scraping.



And I'm sitting there making out,

and I'm of two minds:



"This is awesome. I can't put a

stop to this because who knows...



...where it's gonna go.

This could be my first one-night stand.



Am I going to complain that it hurts?"

The other side was like, "Fucking ow!"



And in my mind's eye,

I'm just seeing it as...



...the fucking thing is falling off.



But I don't want to say anything

'cause it's going so well.



She says, "Don't you have to

catch a plane?"



"Well, I was supposed to, but I'd be

happy to stay. All night.



We don't have to do anything.

I could sleep on the couch.



I just don't really want to go. I'm

into sitting here making out with you."



She's like "All right,"

and we go back to making out.



She stands up, says, "Do you want

to come into the bedroom?"






We go into the bedroom,

she lights some candles...



...she goes into her bathroom,

closes the door.



Immediately I'm like:



'Cause I want to see

how bad the damage is.



And it's fucking bad.



It looks like...  Under the tip of...

Bear with me.



Under the tip of the back of my cock

looks like a bullet wound.



It looked like somebody took a  

and was like:



And at this point I have

an open sore on my cock.



The thing they warn you about

in phys. Ed. From      forward:



Never have sex with an open wound.

In all those years of school and...


            education, I was like,

"Who would ever do that?"



I'm about to do it.



There's no way I'm gonna say no.

She seems cool.



Maybe she's got VD, maybe she don't.

I don't care.



I'm so wrapped up in the moment and

the pain, I'm putting the pain away...



...trying to do Taoist theory on it.



"To be great is to go on, is to go

forward, is to return... " you know.



She comes out, sexy shit on.

We go to the bed, we start making out.



My clothes start coming off.

I start blowing out candles.



'Cause she starts reaching for my

shirt. I'm like:



I know if she gets one look,

it's all over.



We start fooling around. Then suddenly,

the moment of truth, man.



I'm like, "Do I just stop?

Should I stop? No, fuck it."



And I'm inside.



And it was like sticking my dick

in battery acid.



It just hurt so fucking much.

And I was just like:



'Cause I'm a real

I-lay-on-the-bed kind of guy.



Because if I'm on top

and I lose my balance... 



She's fucking dead.



"Are you all right?



Do you have any friends we could call,

come pick me up?"



So she's on the top

and she's going to town...



...and I'm in agony, but I'm like,

"No way I'm putting a stop to it."



And finally it came to an end and we

spent the night in each other's arms.



A year later, we were married. Sweet

story. So after we're married... 



After we're married for,

I don't know, about a month...



...we were chitchatting about

the origin of our relationship.



And I was like, "Did you know...



...that the first time we had sex,

I was sporting an open wound?"



And she was like,

"Qu'est-ce que c'est?"



"The first time we had sex,

I had an open wound."



"What are you, fucking nuts?"



"Why would you tell me that now?

What are you, some kind of pig?"



I said, "You created the open wound."



She said, "How?"

"All the fucking dry humping."



"And you still went through with it?"





And I was like, "'Cause I love you."



With just a Matty Damon,

Academy Award-winning performance.



She said, "That is so sweet."



She got a little glassy-eyed. Cut back

to a year before, I was like, "Ow! Ow!"



Wasn't really doing it for love, more:

"Holy shit, this chick's fucking me!



And I just met her."



So that's the worst...



- I'll never work that into a script...

- Oh, come on.



I just did it here and shit.



Everyone here would see the movie

and be like, "Heard it."



"He's talking about his wife. She cut

his dick wide open before they met.



Did a real Lorena Bobbitt on him

and he still fucked her.



Because his options are limited."



But that was the worst kind of sexual

experience that I ever had.



- But I married the chick, so it's okay.

- Thanks.



You're welcome.

Thanks for making me expose some... 



Just flashing on the moment your

parents are writing tuition checks:



"I wonder what the     -dollar

student-activity fund fee is for?"



So you can sit here and listen to how

I cut my fucking cock open.



- Kevin, my name is Jackie Busek.

- Yes.



We all love the few lines

Silent Bob does say in each movie.



But we love even more the few dance

moves you show off in Clerks... 



...and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. 



And I was just wondering if you'd

show us some of those smooth moves.






- See, this is where I draw the line.

- Come on!



I'll stand up here and answer




Come on, we all want you to do it!



No, 'cause that's... No, no, wait!



No, because that's... That would be

kind of dehumanizing to me.



'Cause I'd feel like a dancing chimp

at that point.



Like, "Dance, little monkey!"



- I gotta maintain a little dignity.

- Just for a couple seconds?



- Just what?

- A couple seconds, even.



A couple of... No.



'Cause once you start, how do you stop?



I do that and then somebody else

is like, "Hey, drop your pants!"



"Do it! We're paying you enough!

Drop your pants!" You know?



No. That you really don't want.



But no, dancing I don't do.

I don't do dancing.



- All right. Thank you, though.

- All right, good try.



Oh, fuck you!



You act like I broke her heart, man.

She's like, "Dance, fat boy!



Me and my friends

want to see you jiggle.



Do the chunk shuffle, bitch!"



I'll dance with you!



This is the sad thing. You know

Woody Allen doesn't go through this.



It's not like, "Back when we made




"Dance! Fucking dance, Woody!



Do the Soon-Yi!"



It's Chap Stick.



It's Chap Stick.



- What was that?

- Somebody outside.



- Really?

- There's a balcony up there.



Let them in.



Fuck them, I paid!



- What's that?

- I paid for this.



Somebody let me in!



Are you all right?



I'm outside, I need somebody

to let me in!



- Come on.

- Let him in, come on.



Do you need help?



With what?



My friend has tickets! He's inside!



With Ren and Stimpy?



Tim! Where are you, Tim?



Don't talk to them. Talk to me.

I made Clerks. 



How many?



Five, now.



"Five, now"?

Is the group getting bigger?



You have a... What?

You want to suck me off?



I have no control over

whether you can come in or not.



I am powerless.



- Please, for the love of God. We paid!

- What?



- They paid.

- Tim has their tickets.



- Tim has the tickets? Tim?

- Yeah, Tim!






Is Tim around?



Is that Tim?



Put your head up here, right here!

Put your head up here, goddamn it!



You're not Tim, are you?



Is Tim around?



Tim doesn't exist!



We're trying to get you free, hold on.

Hold on.



- I have one!

- I got one!



Take shallow breaths.



- We're closing off the compartment.

- They're gonna let us in!



- We got two tickets!

- You got tickets? Bring them on up.



- The guy's got our ticket!

- One, two, three, four, five.



Can I...? I'll take one.

We have five tickets.



Can we let them in? Who's in charge?



I don't dare open that door.



Make them dance!



- Somebody has breached the door.

- Now we got to find five seats!



Make them dance? Genius.



- Dance, monkey boys!

- Dance, boys!



Hold on. We're gonna spring it

on them. Come up here.



These guys too? Come on up.



- This is an honor. Sincerely.

- Hey, man, how are you?



Come on up.

Where are the other three?






- Tim Rothfield! Anyone?

- That's it. You guys, five?



- He ditched you.

- These cats got you tickets.



It wasn't me. I said...



We're not trying to steal the show.



Good. You're...



- Make them dance!

- Drop your pants!



Show them your cock!



These guys demand that since they

got you in, they want you to dance.



- I need music.

- Can we have some music?



From when Silent Bob and Jay

dance outside... 



- You don't get to request the music.

- I'm sorry. Just any music, man.



All right, it's over.

Fun time's over. Back to work.



Thanks for the tickets!

We're not trying to steal the show.



I really feel like we

did some good today.



Just real quick.

You haven't touched on it...



...and I don't know how many

people know about it.



In the middle of June,

you were up in Minneapolis...



...filming a documentary for Prince

that as far as I've heard...


            never gonna see the light of day.

Can you shed a little light on that?



We were trying to get a Prince song

for Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back... 



...where Shannon Elizabeth's character

comes into the restaurant...



...the song "The Most Beautiful Girl

in the World," but we got no response.



Then one day I got a call

at the office.



They said, "Prince's office called.

He wants to speak to you."



"Holy shit! Fucking Pr...

His Royal Badness?"



'Cause I'm a Prince fan. So I said,

"I'm gonna call him back."



So I call him up and they answer,

and they're like:



"Prince isn't available right now,

but he does want to speak to you...


            sit by the phone

and we'll call you back."



So I'm like, "All right."






And I wait and wait and wait.

About       minutes later...



...somebody calls. And they're like,

"Is Kevin there?" "This is he."



"Kevin, hi. I'm calling from Prince's

office. He'll call you in    minutes."



I said, "Awesome. All right, bye."



   minutes later,

phone rings.



"Is Kevin there?

This is Trevor in Prince's office.



Prince will be calling you in




And I said, "This is genius."



Because it sounds like they have shit

well-scheduled,    minutes...



...but then again,

this is the third time he called.



So I said, "Hey, man, just a

question. When I talk to the guy...



...can I...? Do you call him Prince?

Do I call him Artist?



You know, what do you

call him? Jack?"



And he said, "He's back to Prince.

Call him Prince."



I sit around,

I get another phone call:



"Prince wants to call you tonight at

home. Can we have that number?"



I give it to him.

I go home and I'm like:



"Prince is calling! Everybody get

away from the phone!"



The kid wants to play...



...l'm like, "Go away,

Prince is calling."



So I wait and the phone rings

and I get Trevor again:



"Prince is gonna be calling

in five minutes."



"I am so ready for this call."



Phone rings again

and I hear his fucking voice.



He's just like, "Kevin?"

And I said, "Prince?"



Because that's his name.

And he said, "How you doing?"



I said, "I'm excellent. How are you?"

He said, "Very good."



"I just want to tell you

I'm a huge fan."



He goes, "Likewise." "Really?"

"Oh, yeah. Particularly Dogma. "



He's like, "Would you like to

do something together?"



"Yeah, what do you want to do?"

I'm thinking he wants to do a musical.



But it's not the musical

that he wants to do, necessarily.



He starts talking about Dogma:

"I really enjoyed Dogma... 



...I thought it was incredible.

I thought the message was great."



He went on at great lengths about it.

I'm listening to him...



...and it's starting not to sound like

the movie I made.



A little bit. He's got

the character names down...



...but there's things he's

talking about that I'm like:



"I didn't say that

in the movie, did I?"



Like, "Hold on." I'm going to

rewind the movie.



He starts talking more and more

about spirituality, religion, faith.



It becomes very apparent

over the course of a half-hour...



...Prince is way into Jesus.

Like, really into Jesus.



He's always had one foot in the

corporeal, one foot in the spiritual.



He sings about "Darling Nikki,"

but he also sings about God.



But it felt like the pendulum swung

far away from nookie...



...right into the Son of God.



And I... You know, I'm thinking

I can talk smack to this dude...



...but he doesn't want to hear from

language. At one point he says:



"I'll put you an example."



He's sitting there ministering

to me at a certain point.



But I'm not going to say anything

'cause it's Prince.



So he's like, "I'll give you an example.



You make movies with cursing in them."

I said, "Yeah."



And he said, "Can you make a movie

without cursing in it?"



I said, "Yeah, I guess.

But why bother?"



And he said, "Do you understand...



...that cursing offends some people?

Vulgarity offends people."



I said, "Yeah." And he goes,

"Do you mean to offend people?"



I said, "No, no." And he's like,

"But you still do it anyway?" "Yeah."



He's going, "Okay, we're gonna put you

over here." I was like, "Where?"



And I, you know, I can't see him,

but I think he went like this:



And I really want to know what

over here is, but he doesn't explain.



He gets very cryptic like that.



He's like, "Kevin, if a big snake

gives birth to a little snake...



...what is that little snake gonna

grow up to be?" "A big snake?"



He's like, "Right.



That snake gives birth to a snake.

What's that gonna grow to be?"



And I said, "Big snake."



He said, "Exactly, you gotta

know who your father is."



And I'm like...



I don't know what that fucking means.

So I'm like, "I hear you. I hear you."



He's like, "So you wanna do this?"

I'm like, "Yeah, what are we doing?"



He said, "I have this thing

called 'the Celebration'...



...where I'm gonna debut

my new album for a bunch of fans.



They come to Paisley Park,

we have an event.



Then we're gonna have parties

where people hear the album.



I want to make a movie that we can

bring to the Cannes Film Festival."



I said, "Really?"

He said, "Yeah."



"Like a concert film?" I'm saying.

He's like, "Kind of...



...but I want to do bold things.

I want to put up the words:



'Jesus Christ is the Son Of God, '

and let them deal with it."



And I'm like, "Well, I already

made that movie, kind of."



But I didn't say that

because it's Prince.



I said, "That's fucking bold!"



He said, "What did I say about

cursing?" I said, "I got you."



He said, "You free to come do this?"

I said, "Yeah, absolutely."



He said, "I'll let you know

when we're doing it."



I was like, "Shit,

that's fucking great!"



I go and tell everyone.



Mosier goes, "Did you ask

about the song for the movie?"



And I was like, "No, fuck, I forgot!"



I was like, "Should I just

call him again?



Aren't we kind of

friends at this point?"



He says, "Find out

if we can use the song."



I call him the next day and I was

like, "Hey, Prince, it's Kevin.



Listen, we talked a lot and I look

forward to this thing we're gonna do...



...but we're making

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back... 



...and it has the dudes

who were in Dogma, remember?



I needed to use 'The Most

Beautiful Girl in the World. '



I want to put it in this one scene."

And he goes, "No."



I said, "No?" He said,

"I'm gonna have to pass on that."



He's like, "You can use the Time song,"

which he owns the publishing for.



And I said, "All right. Bye." You know?

I was like, "That's so fucking weird."



The dude said, "Come shoot

a documentary for me."



Then I'm like, "Can I have

one of your songs?"



He's like, "No."



I thought people

gave each other things.



But I don't say anything

because it's Prince.



So it's time to go up there and I'm

in the midst of editing the movie...



...we're getting to crunch time.

Many things are going on...



...the last thing in the world

I should do is go to Minnesota.



But I'm like, "Fuck it.

Once in a lifetime chance.



It's fucking Prince, I gotta go."

I grab the wife...



...jump on the plane. We go

to Minnesota. I get out there...



...and I meet with his producer,

this great woman named Stephanie.



And Stephanie's like, "He's on-stage

talking to a bunch of people.



He'll tell you what he wants."



I go in and he's sitting

on the stage and he's very small.



He looks big on-stage, but he's

very small. But he's decked out.



He's wearing clothes that look

like somebody just sewed them.



Like an outfit, like he's

in a play, doing Shakespeare.



Not like nice clothes like this.



And he's in heels, of course.



I'm like, "He's in heels. It's casual

time and he's in heels."



I always thought, around

the house, he's wearing kicks.



So we start talking. He tells me about

his beefs with the music industry.



And you can't follow him,

he's jumping topic to topic.



And I'm like, "Uh-huh. I don't

know what he's saying. What?"



And he's talking, at one point,

"Anybody can take a song and record it."



I was like, "Really?"

He's like, "It happened to Chaka Khan."



He's like, "Whitney Houston

recorded, 'I'm Every Woman. '



Chaka didn't want that, Chaka mad."

I'm like, "Chaka mad?"



He's like, "Chaka real mad."



I'm trying to figure out what I'm

supposed to do about Chaka being mad.



He's like, "I want you to shoot

people's reaction to the album.



Let them listen to it and

you have them talk about it.



And then I want to talk about religion

and lead that into race...



...and lead it into

the music biz and radio.



At the end of the week,

I want to change the world."



I'm like, "I'm in the middle of making

a dick-and-fart-joke movie.



I'm not prepared to change my

underwear, let alone the world.



I don't think I can... I don't...

I don't... All right."



He's like, "All right, I'll see

you tomorrow." And he takes off.



I look at Stephanie, I was like,

"Can we go outside?"



I was like, "I can't do this!

I don't know what he wants!



I can't change the world.

I'm not a documentarian.



Did you see the movies I make?

I don't make documentaries.



Documentaries are made by people

who come up with the idea...



...and see it through, shoot it

themselves and interview people...



...because it's something

personal to them.



He's very personal and passionate

about these issues. I'm not.



Chaka mad. I'm sorry, but there's

nothing I can do about that."



She's like, "Calm down."

And she's like, "What can you do?"



I said, "If Prince wants

a movie about...



...a couple guys hanging

around a mall...


           , I'm your guy,

but I can't make a documentary."



She's like, "But he really

wants you to do it."



And I was like, "I don't understand.

I'm not cut out for this kind of thing.



Can you explain it to him?

Just go in there and tell him.



I'll go back to Los Angeles

and tell him no harm, no foul."



She's like, "Kevin, let me explain

something to you about Prince.



I've been working with Prince for many

years and I can't go tell him...



...that you can't shoot

this documentary."



She's like, "Prince doesn't comprehend

things the way you and I do."



I was like, "What do you mean?"

She was like, "Well...



...Prince has been living in Prince

World for quite some time now."



She's like, "So Prince will come to us

periodically and say things like:



'lt's   in the morning in

Minnesota. I really need a camel.



Go get it. '



And then we try

to explain to Prince, like:



'Prince, it's  :   in the morning

in Minnesota, it's January...



...and you want a camel.



That is not physically

or psychologically possible. '



And Prince says, 'Why?"'



I'm like, "Is he an asshole?"



She's like, "He's not malicious

when he does it.



He just doesn't understand

why he can't get what he wants.



He doesn't understand why someone

can't process a request...


            a camel at  

in the morning in Minnesota."



I was like, "That's not my problem.



I can't do what he wants.

I don't know what to do."



She said, "You'd be doing me

a huge favor if you tell him that."



I was like, "All right, I'll tell him.



Somebody's got to deal with him.

He'll understand."



So I go in there and he's on-stage

and then he comes back down.



He's like, "What's the matter?" I was

like, "How do you want to shoot this?"



He's like, "Whatever you want."



I said, "I don't know

if I can shoot this thing.



Since it's a documentary,

it should come from you.



I'd be kind of a third wheel.



It's, like, you've got the crew

and you have the idea...



...and I'd basically be there,

what, to do what?



There's nothing for me to do."



He said, "I need you

to be my representation.



You have to go and

communicate my message."



I said, "If you want me

to communicate 'Let's Go Crazy. '



Let's get nuts.

Like, let's slip on a purple banana...



...till they put us in the truck.

I can do that.



I've listened to that album.

If you want me...


            start talking about Jesus,

I did that.



I got a lot of death threats. So I'm

not too keen to go in there and do it."



He's like, "You'll do a great job."

Walks away.



I'm like, "Oh, my God. I don't know

how to make a fucking documentary."



So I go in the next day,

and we're shooting in the atrium.



Everybody sits down and shit.



They're listening to albums

in other rooms in Paisley Park.



They bring them into the atrium...



...with the high ceilings, and there's

a cage with doves in it.



You're sitting there listening to what

it sounds like when fucking doves cry.



'Cause they won't shut up. People are

coming in, and I'm standing there...



...with two guys with cameras

and their Nagra equipment.



And I'd say about   % of them,

as they walk in, are like:



"It's Silent Bob."



I was the last person

they expected to see.



Like, "What the fuck

is Silent Bob doing here?



Is he a fan? What's with the cameras?

What's going on?"



I'm like, "I don't even know

what's going on!"



So I'm like, "We'll talk

about what you've just heard."



I don't introduce myself.



I said, "We'll talk about

what you just listened to...



...and see where the topic

takes us." We start talking.



Everybody wants to talk about religion,

the album's theme.



It's kind of one story

throughout the whole album.



Heavily steeped in faith

and spirituality.



So people start getting up in arms.



Some people said, "It's his best work.

It's the promise he showed on Lovesexy. 



It's the next level for Prince.



I love all the three to four minute hits,

but this is tremendous."



Other people were going,

"We know Prince is a Jehovah's Witness."



I'm sitting there going,

"Prince is a Jehovah's Witness?



Since when? Now?



Because he didn't try

to sell me a Watchtower once."



So he's going,

"I printed up a bunch of facts...



...about Jehovah's Witness that Prince

should read. It's important stuff.



He should know

that he's being bilked."



I'm like, "What else

is everyone thinking?"



I'm trying to lead the discussion, but

everyone wants to talk about religion.



Some are incensed because it's

a literal translation of the Bible...



...which means that the order of things

is God, man, women, children, animals.



Some women were like, "I don't

go in for this man, woman shit.



I don't want to be led by any man."



I'm trying to control the fires.



Somebody comes up

behind me and says...



...whispers in my ear, "Prince wants

you to stop talking about religion."



I'm like, "What do you mean Prince wants

me to stop talking about religion?



That's what they want. Where is he?"

They're like, "He's not here."



I said, "How does he know

I'm talking about religion?"



She's like, "He'd just...

He'd prefer if you stop. He knows."



I said, "How am I supposed

to change topic?



Be like, 'Hey, who likes pie? '

you know, instead of...



They listened to an album

about religion.



What can I tell you?

If he wants it to not be about...



If he wants it to be something else,

he should get his ass here."



She said, "I just told you."



So people are talking, I'm looking

around while they're speaking.



There's a sign in the atrium that says:

"The atrium: redone in   ... "



Then there's a piece of factoid

about the atrium that says:



"Like every room in the building,

this room is wired for sound...


            Prince can record

anywhere he likes."



Which means that if Prince

is sitting in the shitter...



...and he wants

to write "Raspberry Beret"...



...he can do it and record it while

taking a shit without leaving the room.



Every room is wired for sound.



I'm reading that going,

"Now, that's interesting..."



No wonder the motherfucker heard me.

Every room is wired for sound.



I'm like, "God, did he hear me say

'He should get his ass here'?"



He might have, because I'm talking

to the person talking...



...and I see Prince materialize.



Not out of thin air,

but suddenly, he's there.



I'm like, "Holy shit, he's coming to

yell at me in front of these people."



So I made him part of it.

"What do you think?"



Everyone's like, "It's Prince!"

He comes and sits down.



He's listening to the group and letting

me lead it. Then he starts joining in.



If you know Prince, he's solitary.

He likes to stay apart from people.



But he starts joining in, gets real

into it. And I start hanging back.



I go in the back and watch it.



So I'm appreciating Prince

talking to these people...



...about spirituality and then

about how radio sucks nowadays.



Nobody owns the air over his head

so why can't they play shit he wants?



He's going everywhere.



And I'm like,

"This is brilliant. I'd watch this.



I'd watch this documentary about how

a man falls apart in front of a crowd."



But I don't think that's the

documentary he has in mind.



The next day, same thing.

We're talking and he shows up.



I bring him in. He takes over.

He's in his element. He's happy.



He's just sitting there,

a robe short of being a minister...



...preaching, playing games

with the crowd.



Games where people go to the other

side of the room like kindergarten.



He says, "Those who believe Jesus

is the son of God...



...over to this side of the room.

Those who don't, go over there.



We rule our lives by this."

He pulls a Bible from his back pocket.



I'm like, "I didn't even know

he had a back pocket."



The outfits he wears

don't really lend to pockets.



But not only that,

he's got a Bible in it.



I'm like, "This is fucked up."



He says, "We'll lead our lives by this.

Over there, you live by what you do.



You have no laws. We have laws.

We want your women.



So we'll take them. There's nothing

you can do. Women, come here.



Because you don't lead

your lives by this."



I'm going, "Is that what it

says in the Bible?"



Because if it is,

I'm going back to church.



He's going through these parlor games

and he's real happy.



I was pleased to get to see a part

of him that I'd never seen before...


            everything from interviews

to any press.



So the next day, he's like,

"I'm not gonna be able to do it.



I've got a show to do

at the St. Paul Excel Arena.



I'm gonna do a night show and my leg

hurts, so I won't do the q and a."



I said, "Why does your leg hurt?"

He said, "Something with my knee."



And I was like, "Do you think

it's because you always wear heels?"



He said, "What?"



I said, "Maybe your knee wouldn't

hurt if you wore sneakers."



He goes, "It's not about sneakers."



I said, "All right, man, I was just

checking. We need you, Prince."



I go out and Stephanie said,

"You mentioned sneakers to him?"



I said, "Yeah, was that bad?"

She said, "Yeah!"



I said, "Does he wear them?"

She said, "He does.



What's the interest

with Prince's sneakers?"



I said, "Does he wear them?"



She said, "He wears

them for basketball."



I said, "He plays ball in sneakers?

Where does he keep them?"



She's like, "Let it go."



I said, "Does he wear

the outfits playing basketball?"



Because every outfit looks

like he's about to be:



"Alas, poor Yorick.

I knew him, Horatio." You know?



She said, "No, he wears warm-up suits."

I said, "He's got warm-up suits?"



She says, "Yes, he's got warm-up pants

with the buttons down the side."



I was like, "Where does he keep it?

Does he wear it under his clothes?"



She says, "He's got them to the side."



I said, "Well, are they made like

his outfits? Designer basketball wear?"



She says, "No, they're from a store."

I said, "He shops at a fucking store?"



She says, "No, we go out

and get stuff for him."



I said, "Where do you get his clothes?"

She says, "Nordstrom's."



I said, "They sell stuff his size?"



She's like, "Nordstrom's

boys department."



And at this point, I'm like,

"That is so fucking cute!"



The documentary should

be about that. I'd watch it.



Prince is like, "All right, I'm little.

I'm a huge rock god...



...but I'm little. I get my clothes

at Nordstrom's boys department."



But that's not the documentary

he wants to make.



So he skips that day.



The next day he's supposed to come.

We're having one of the last sessions.



We crammed    people in this room.



It's really hot, really tight,

lights boiling. Everyone's sweating.



We're going on

for about three hours.



One guy says, "This album's

about how Prince hates white people."



I said, "Really? I didn't get that

at all. What makes you say that?"



He says, "He's singing

about how the devil stole it."



I said, "No, he's not talking about

the 'white devil, ' but this devil.



I don't think it's a race thing.

Really? Race? Do you think so?"



And I can't defend it

because I don't fucking know.



Finally, they're like, "Prince wants

to talk to you in his office."



I'm like, "Break, everyone

grab some air. I'll talk to Prince."



I'm pissed now. I'm sweating, fielding

questions from a very defensive crowd.



The dude was supposed

to be here hours ago.



So I go into his office...



...and he's sitting behind his desk

playing with a computer.



I sit there for a good   

to    seconds. He says nothing.



Then he says, "These are pictures

from the show last night."



I said, "That's great. We needed

you about two hours ago.



Things got tense."

He says, "Really?"



"Some dude said you hate white people."

He said, "Why did he say that?"



I said, "In the album, you talk

about how the devil stole the music.



He said you meant the 'white devil. '

I said you meant this."



He said, "He said white people

stole music from black people?"



I said, "That was his argument."

He goes, "If the bra fits."



And I'm like, "What the fuck

does that mean, man?!



If the bra fucking fits? I'm sweating

for hours fielding questions...



...defending your Jehovah's Witnessism

even though I know nothing about it.



Don't talk to me

like I'm fucking Apollonia!



You want me to jump into the fucking

waters of Lake Minnetonka!"



I'm fucking at wit's end

with this man.



This is what it sounds like when

Kev's fucking pissed. You know?



I'm like, "Go explain

that's not what you meant."



He's like, "People are gonna

take what they will from it."



I said, "These people have been

here for hours. They expect you."



He's like, "I'll talk to them.

You want to shoot it?"



I said, "Okay, and I want to leave

early because today is Father's Day."



My wife was there all week.



Her parents brought Harley so we could

spend Father's Day together.



He said, "Okay."



I'm like, "Ladies and gentlemen:




He sits down, starts talking

and we start shooting.



And he starts talking and proceeds

to talk for four hours.



He's getting into his parlor games

and having a great time.



The guys are like,

"Are we still shooting?"



I'm like, "Keep shooting.

Something might happen.



Maybe somebody will get as pissed

as I am and take the guy out."



After the four hours one

of the guy comes over to me.



He's like, "We're out." I'm like,

"We ain't out till he says we're out."



He said, "No, we're out of stock."

I said, "Change the tape."



He's like, "We've blown

through our entire stock.



It's Sunday. There's no more stock."



I said, "What about the other camera?"

He's like, "He's got three minutes."



I was like, "Shit, we're out of tape?

Do we tell him?



Or do we just pretend

like we're shooting him?"



He's like, "It's your call."

I'm like, "Just keep rolling.



Just make pretend, go ahead."



They run out of tape. Prince goes on

for an hour, not even being recorded.



He looks over to me

periodically and I'm like:



So it ends and everyone

gets up to go...



...and this is the last session.

The week is over.



And he kind of goes out a back door

and shit so he can avoid autographs.



And I collect my stuff

and Stephanie...



...who was my chaperone,

wasn't even there anymore.



And I said to her before

she left, I was like:



"This is the last day.

What are we gonna do?



Am I cutting this thing?" She's like,

"They've been cutting it.



He used some of the footage

at his show last night."



I'm like, "Really?"

I feel so useless.



I'm trying to maintain my composure

and stuff's being already cut?



I said, "So you'll have a cut

of the film next week."



She said, "Don't count on seeing it."

I said, "Why?"



She said, "A lot of this stuff

never sees the light of day."



I was like, "What do you mean?"



She's like, "I produced

   music videos for him."



I said, "Which ones?"

She said, "You've never seen them.



They're for songs you've never heard."

I said, "Where are they?"



She's like, "He puts them in a vault."

I was like, "For what?"



And she's like, "I don't know."



I was like, "Is it just

him on-stage?"



She's like, "No,    fully-produced

music videos with costumes and sets.



Money was spent."



I was like, "And they've never been

seen on MTV or anything? BET, VH ?"



She's like, "No. He just

puts them in the vault."



I was like, "Like in case

the fucking world goes up...



...we'll have entertainment?"



She's like, "That's just

the way Prince is."



I'm like, "After all this work,

nobody may ever see it?"



She's like, "I don't know."

I'm like, "Good Lord."



So day's over, I say goodbye

to this other girl, and she's like:



"Do you want to say goodbye

to Prince?"



I'm like, "He's busy,

I won't bother him."



The wife said, "You should say

goodbye." I said, "You think so?"



She's like, "He'd probably

want to say goodbye."



I was like, "You're right."



So I go back in and I'm like,

"You know what?



I should say goodbye to Prince."

She's like, "I'll find him."



She goes away and then

comes back, and she's like:



"He's in there working

on some music."



And I was like, "And?"



She was like,

"He's working on some music."



I was like, "So I should go?"

And she's like, "Yeah."



And I was like, "All right,

tell him I said goodbye, I guess."



I walk to the car and I'm like,

"I can't fucking believe it.



I spent a week shooting a documentary

for which I wasn't paid, for which...



...I had really no passion for.

It was not my story.



And the dude never once said,

'Thanks for taking the time."'



Like, I'll do anything as long

as somebody says, "Hey, thanks."



Gratitude's a big part of my life.



It so was weird that dude didn't

have two seconds to be like:



"Night, tubby."

Or anything like that.



Or just, "I knew there

was no film in that camera."



He never once said thank you.

I was so fucking cheesed, man.



I was like, "This is why

fans turn on people."



Somebody disappoints them

and they fucking turn on them.



But this is one instance where

I felt like it was valid.



All he had to do was say,

"Hey, man, thanks."



That would've been fine. But the

thing pissed me off the most...



...the whole week, not once did the guy

ever once play fucking "Batdance."



I had this all planned

and then I got here...



...and then it's so much different.



- Does your plan involve a gun?

- Huh?



- Does your plan involve a gun?

- Sorry, I...



Does your plan involve a gun?



- No, of course not.

- Then take your time, take your time.



Okay, my question is that, of course,

you're writing comic books now.



You did Daredevil, Green Arrow,

and The Brave and the Bold. 



You've done movies.

I was wondering if there was...



...anything else you held in a high

enough regard to approve of.



To, like, actually have a cameo

in a film or a television series



That doesn't require a stamp of

approval, that requires a paycheck.



Again, if you give me

enough money, I'll show up.



- Scream  !

- What is it?



- Scream  !

- Scream   perfect example.



Bob Weinstein's like, "Do you want

to do Scream  ?" I said, "No."



He's like, "We'll pay you."

I was like, "All right."



That wasn't my fault.



I was like, "I don't know."

He said, "Come on."



I said, "I'll ask Jason.

If he says yes, I'll do it."



I called Jason. I said,

"They want us for Scream  ."



He was like, "Are we getting paid?"

I was like, "Yeah."



He's like, "All right, let's go."



We went out there, and we got

paid the SAG minimum wage.



You get paid on a weekly rate.

We got, like,      bucks to do it.



And they send you a check

two weeks later.



We got there and they

gave us each trailers...



...because the big stars were out.

So we got their trailers.



So I was going through, like,

Courteney Cox's panties and shit.



Trying them on.



But we're in our trailers and

they gave me per diem...



...which is money

they give you on set.



Per diem: brilliant secret

of the movie industry.



You get a paycheck, but they also give

you an allotment of money...



...that you can use to go out

to eat, or grab cigarettes...



...while you're on the movie.



Which is weird because

they give you food and cigarettes.



So it turns out to be coke

and whore money.



Since we were only there a day,

they gave us $   ...



...and there was a Scream   shirt.

So I said, "This is nice."



I'm watching a TV in the trailer...



...and I hear him leave his trailer and

come racing to my fucking trailer.



I open the door and he's just like,

"Fucking, they gave me $    man!



$    and a shirt! Did you get this?"

I was like, "I got four."



He was like, "No way!"

I was like, "No.



No, I got $    and a shirt."



He said, "Awesome,

we should do this all the time!"



I was like, "I'm pretty sure

we do it all the time...



...on our own movies,

and we make a lot more."



He's like, "We should go to every

horror movie and just show up.



Do a day on all horror movies,

where suddenly we're there...



...and we get like $    and a shirt?"



I was like, "We could...



...or we can make more movies

in which we are characters...



...and we get much more than $   

and you can keep your entire wardrobe."



And he was just like,

"But, $    and a shirt!"



So he was ecstatic about that.

Would I ever do anything...?



I would love to be on The Sopranos. 

I mean, it's set in Jersey, so...



Of course, the true mark of coolness

would be The Simpsons, wouldn't it?



Some people go like, "Wouldn't you

like to be in Star Wars?"



But they cast Jabba,

so I don't know who I'd play.



The portly stormtrooper. You know?



Everyone's chasing Anakin Skywalker

and there's one guy lagging behind.



Lifting up his helmet to smoke.



"I hate the fucking Empire."



But The Sopranos, Simpsons,

I would love to do that.



Now that I said it, I'll never get it,

but thanks for coaxing it out.



- Okay, thanks.

- Thanks, man.



- Hi, my name is Jen Dudanowicz.

- Hello.



- And I was wondering...

- What's the first name?



- Jen.

- What was the last name?



- Dudanowicz.

- Spell.






I told my mother I would marry

a guy with a single-syllable...



Just answer my question.

Spell, your name.






- That is $      worth of education.

- Yes, that is.



- Go ahead.

- Thirty-six.



- Really?

- Yes.



My question is: Will we be seeing

Jay and Silent Bob again?



Jay and Silent Bob will never

fucking come back. Never.






Don't boo that. Jay and Bob

will be in the cartoon...



...but live action, no way.

I mean, look at me.



I'm getting older. And Mewes,

like, thank God for the makeup...



...because Mewes looks like he's   ...


            real life.



You don't want to

overstay your welcome.



You don't want to be Pauly Shore.



- It was quality while it lasted.

- I only say that because...



Remember, everyone at one point

was like, "The weasel."



Like, "Hey, buddy."



And then one day people

were like, "Fuck Pauly Shore!"



I don't want to live through

that part of his career.



"Hey, buddy," that was all right.



But when they're like, "Fuck you.



Silent Bob. Silent Dick."



Because what do you say to that?

Like, "All right, Silent Dick."



Get out while the getting's good.

Leave the party before it ends.



Push back from the table, you know,

before you eat    desserts.



Stop at    and a half.



There are some people that would argue

that we overstayed by four movies.



It's time to go. Plus, after

the last one, what do you do?



Like, Jay and Bob in Space. 



They were getting high

in a rocket, one of them was... 



Someone said "lunch,"

he thought he said "launch."



You guys have been awesome, thank you

for coming out. Good night, Worcester!



Good night.



Kent State, good night.



Good night, Wyoming. Good night.



Thank you all, I love you.

Goodbye, Cornell!




Special help by SergeiK