Voila! Finally, the Evolution
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring David
Duchovny and Julianne Moore. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Evolution. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Despite all the warnings, she was smoking in bed, fell asleep.
And the fire begins.
Don't worry, ma'am! I'm here to save you!
Keep those people back! This is an emergency!
Don't you dare die on me!
Breathe, damn it, breathe!
She's going to make it!
Though it may be hard to believe a single biology professor...
...making in excess of $ a year could find time...
...to grade your first biology research papers, I did.
As you can see, there was a shocking statistical anomaly:
Pretty much all of you got A's.
Congratulate yourselves. I have a good feeling about this group.
And I think the parade of A's will continue to the end of the semester.
So much for the bell curve.
Bell curves suck!
- Mr. Kane? - Dr. Kane?
There seems to be a mistake here.
My brother and I each got a C-.
C-. Me, too.
Allow me to share something with the entire class.
As I was grading papers, I came across two gems, both entitled "Cells are Bad".
Both with just one paragraph, which I unfortunately committed to memory.
"Cells are Bad."
"My uncle lives in a cell."
"It's by and he has to read the same boring magazine every day."
You're talking about our papers, aren't you, Dr. Kane?
Yes, I am.
And although my standards are nowhere near where they used to be...
...I couldn't put an A on those beauties. I hope you understand.
- Sure. - Yeah, okay.
Okay, let's get back to work at the periodic table, which...
A meteor? Where?
Route A. Yeah, I got it.
Rest assured, I will be there. Okay, 'bye.
How does it look, Professor?
Really, really tight, Nadine.
But not too tight. You just don't have the points. Sorry.
Don't take it too hard. Geology's tougher than people think.
Are you sure? Could you check again?
I need this credit to get into nursing school.
Wouldn't you prefer a different profession?
One where lives were not dependent on you?
Actually, what I want to be is Miss Arizona.
But my pageant consultant says nursing school will impress the judges.
They'll think I want to help people...
Ready for lunch?
Or have you already eaten?
I'm just concluding a teacher-student conference with Nadine.
Harry, your dedication to your job is an inspiration to us all.
Regrettably, I have a prior lunch engagement with Professor Kane.
We'll discuss your extra credit later. Cheer up.
Let me grab my stuff.
Where are you taking me?
- A meteor hit last night. - That's what that was.
As Glen Canyon's representative for the U.S. Geological Survey...
...I have to check it out.
I'm taking you in case I have to do something scientific.
Then we eat.
You're with the USGS?
I signed up over the Internet.
Or were you on a cheerleader site and accidentally got linked to the USGS site?
Something like that.
Watch it. Take it easy.
That's my baby. Take it easy.
Come on! Be careful!
Who's going to pay for the damage to my goddamn car?
I told you, we don't do that. It's "force majeure".
"Force majeure", my ass! That car's a classic ' Buick Riv.
Who are you?
Harry Block, United States Geological Survey.
My secretary, Ira Kane. We're here to investigate the meteor...
...if that is what it is.
Of course it is. It almost blew up my car.
I'm still fuzzy on why you were here at night.
With Betty Lou here.
I was practicing for my fireman's exam, which started seven minutes ago.
So I'd appreciate it if you'd let me go.
So you and the blonde found the meteor?
Yeah, I found it. It bounced my car feet in the air.
- Can I go? - Bob, get him out of here.
Don't leave town.
Well, Sheriff, is this the...
...point of penetration?
Yeah. It punched through into a cavern about feet down.
Now that's a hole!
Next time, you carry the case.
You're the USGS representative. That responsibility comes with the badge.
Oh, my God. Look at that.
I believe we've located the target.
Two big smiles, fellas.
Okay, hold it up now.
- Got it. - It's really hot.
I'll hold you up.
Show a little more nightstick.
Look at these jackasses.
Muscle pose. Give me big smiles! Looking good.
At ease, gentlemen! The feds are here.
Feds? What feds?
Who let you down here?
Let's not get combative.
The USGS and local law enforcement have a long history of cooperation.
We're just here to get some scientific samples. If that's okay.
Yeah, sure. We got all the photographic evidence we need.
- Carry on. - Thanks. Keep up the good work.
It just hit last night and it has stuff growing on it.
Could be cave moss.
After just a few hours? That's peculiar.
Let's get a sample and get out of here.
It's a rock that bleeds.
Now that's really peculiar.
Let's bag it.
I don't know if this USGS gig is all it's cracked up to be.
I mean, it pads out my résumé, but am I growing as a person?
Am I growing as a Division women's volleyball coach?
You going to do that spectro-thingy test?
Spectrograph. Yeah, I will do a spectroscopic analysis.
Your résumé will shine.
I got to get to the game. Let me know if you find anything.
Ira, are you sure you can handle this by your lonesome?
Ten base pairs.
That can't be.
Come on, ladies! Look alive up here!
Tina! When Lisa goes for the spike, you have to cover the line!
Lisa! Two hands, okay? Two hands!
God gave you two hands for a reason!
Big news. The most amazing thing.
The meteor samples are teeming with one-celled organisms.
Their metabolic rates are off the charts.
They're dividing at an incredible rate. Almost exponential.
Their DNA has ten base pairs.
Ten base pairs. That's good to know.
Harry, the DNA of all earth life has only four base pairs.
Come on, ladies! Look alive!
...these are organisms from another world.
Is the Nobel Prize paid in instalments or a lump sum, like the lottery?
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
I'm not. I'm concerned about the potential tax consequences.
- Why in here? - I just want to be cautious.
I'm all tingly.
I'm no biologist, but how many cells do single-celled organisms have?
If we want to be big important scientists, you have to act the part.
Take a look.
There are multi-cellular organisms in there.
- They weren't there before. - They snuck in.
No, there was no sneaking in.
It's too amazing.
It's like they're evolving.
Growing into more complex organisms.
Nobel, here we come.
But it's million years worth in just a few hours.
You have no idea.
On my signal! Go!
Recruit, wake up.
- The hose! This thing here! - Sorry.
Wayne, go! Come on!
These things happen, buddy.
There's another test in six months.
Six months? I can't wait six months!
At least you have the pool gig at the country club.
Great. Thanks a lot.
I got it. I do this.
Looks like we have visitors.
Class, since this is our first field trip, I want you to obey some simple rules.
Perfect for spelunking. Now don't touch anything.
Don't move anything. Don't even breathe unless we say.
Wear your protective gloves at all times.
Why do we have to do this?
Field experience. The meat and potatoes of geology.
- Will this be on the final? - Yes.
- Officer, nice to see you. - What's up, Professor?
We came to pick up the rock.
Pick it up? What?
Orders from the USGS. They want it under controlled conditions.
It's very technical.
Oh, technical stuff. It's technical.
Okay. Go right ahead.
- We'll just haul it right out. - Sure.
Deke and Danny? Remember what we talked about?
You're in charge of hoisting. Get the winch to the hole.
Fellas? Stop nodding, and stare at me for a second, okay?
- You understand what I want you to do? - Yeah.
Go do it.
Ira, I'm picking up a heavy creepy vibe here.
Yeah, a lot has changed.
Class, I know these look like mushrooms, but refrain from eating them.
It smells disgusting.
Nadine, sometimes science stinks.
It's the game we play, baby.
Rotten egg smell. Hydrogen sulfide, right?
With ammonia and methane. It's converting the atmosphere.
Look at all this rudimentary plant life. It's amazing.
Not to get all girly here, but I feel something wiggling around my toes.
The ground does seem to be moving.
Millions of them!
Barely hours and we already have flatworms.
- Look. - There they are!
Hi, Dr. Kane!
- I almost went down on that one! - Awesome.
Come here, little buddy.
I won't hurt you.
You didn't hurt it. You killed it.
The oxygen must have killed it.
It must need its own atmosphere to live.
Grab a specimen jar. We'll scoop some atmosphere in there with them.
It took us two billion years to do what they did in a couple of days.
Those germs are the embodiment of the American dream.
I'm sorry to interrupt, Professor Block.
But I was wondering if I'm correct in assuming that that field trip...
...fulfilled any of my missing credit assignments?
Nadine, you are a very...
...very smart girl. If you would just focus.
Professor, the little wiggly worm things are breaking.
It's not breaking. It's splitting.
It's mitosis. That's how they reproduce.
No time for sex.
- They're splitting again. - Put it away.
We call no one, we tell no one. This is our secret.
What about the government? They usually get involved.
- No government. I know those people. - You do?
This is our discovery. We must maintain absolute control.
We have to do more research and check our findings. Document everything.
That would be an all-cotton towel, sir. I believe it's a Fieldcrest.
It's a damp towel. What is a damp towel doing on my "chaise"?
- Let me take care of this for you. - You should, as pool manager.
If anyone knows what to do about the dampness on my chair, it's you.
"You know what to do with the towels because you're the pool boy."
What the hell?
Where did you guys come from?
You're dead now.
When I checked the samples this morning I found three different subspecies.
They're evolving so quickly God knows what we'll find when we get back.
- Please tell me there's an air show today. - Damn.
Can I help you?
Harry Block, Ira Kane. United States Geological Society.
We're doing some important research. This is our site.
Not anymore. You're not on the list.
What? We come here all the time.
Well this is not a nightclub. Why don't you take it somewhere else.
I know my constitutional rights. You can't tell...
Harry! Maybe you can call your superior, we can have a word with him?
I have a Harry Block and an Ira Kane here...
- Talk nice to the white man. - I'll whup his ass.
White man doesn't like to be yelled at.
The Ira Kane?
I've looked forward to this for a long time. You bastard!
You're history! You're done!
Get his gun!
Take it easy! Okay, they're going up.
You're responsible for the worst month of my life!
- What the hell was that about? - I don't know.
Drive down to the command tent. They're expecting you.
That guy had me in diapers for over a month!
What the hell was that?
- General Woodman's expecting you. - Russell Woodman?
What an unexpected surprise.
For me, too. I didn't know we were on a hugging basis.
Same old Ira Kane. And you are?
Harry Block, this is Gen. Russell Woodman, head of U.S. Army Research.
You two know each other?
Ira used to work for me, right?
I worked with you, actually.
You worked in Army Research in the Pentagon?
All this time I thought you were just a schoolteacher.
No. How did you find out about this?
You leave the Pentagon, you don't call, you don't write.
We like to keep tabs on our prodigal sons.
You tapped my phone?
No. We're not the KGB.
We've been monitoring your computer.
All those girls in the photos are over .
Yes, I'm sure.
I should have figured, Russell.
You should've known better than to keep something this big from us.
And the CDC.
Just in time. Ira, this is Allison Reed, senior researcher in epidemiology at...
A garter belt? At a day function?
I can do it. Thank you.
I'd heard about your recklessness but you are way out of line on this one.
Didn't you realise how dangerous the situation could have become?
Nice to meet you, too.
No need to play the blame game, Allison. No harm, no foul.
We're all appreciative about the discovery made by Dr. Kane and Mr. Black.
Block. I'm sorry.
The confirmation that life exists outside this planet...
Would be the greatest scientific discovery of our time.
- Yes, actually. - Yes, it would.
You have my word you'll be kept in the loop from this point on.
You son of a bitch.
Kept in the loop? We are the loop.
We won't cut you out but we need to take control.
We're following protocol, Ira. You remember protocol, don't you?
I have some protocol right here for you, come and get it.
Look! The fact is, this research must continue under government control.
We've already secured the area.
We're constructing an airlock and a state-of-the-art field research facility.
So there's not a whole lot for the science department...
...of Glen Canyon Community College to do here.
Did you catch that condescending tone?
We are following well-established federal guidelines...
Please, don't pull this crap. We deserve to be here.
You deserve to be here?
You're lucky anybody's ever let you near a science laboratory again.
You're a disgrace, and a dangerous one at that.
Lieutenant, show these men out.
This is horseshit.
It's not over.
You're in for a fight, Russell.
Would you stop following me? Thank you.
We won't bend over and take this!
Fruit basket for Russell Woodman!
Happy holidays, General!
Dr. Kane, are you asking me to bar the federal government from involvement...
...in a discovery as significant as this one?
No. We're asking you to ensure the local scientists who made the discovery...
...continue to play a significant role.
They've kept us out for almost two weeks.
We put our lives on the line to find these little guys, Your Majesty.
We just want to be there for them as they grow up.
We were first team at the meteor site and all the initial testing was done in our lab.
The facilities at Glen Canyon Community College are a joke.
They weren't a joke when I went there, General.
Your Honour, if the court would allow me to depose Dr. Kane.
We think your past is very relevant, Dr. Kane.
These issues speak directly to his competence as a scientist.
Dr. Kane, you were a top-level researcher at USAMRID from ' to ' ...
...were you not?
You were summarily dismissed in the summer of . Any idea why?
My services were no longer required?
So your firing had nothing to do with an experimental anthrax vaccine...
...you developed and administered to U.S. Soldiers in May of that year?
I see where you're going with this.
It may have been a factor. You need to ask the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
I'll do that. For now, can you tell me what happened...
...to the soldiers who were inoculated?
None of them got anthrax, if that's what you're asking.
What did they get?
Well, as with any new vaccine...
...there were certain side effects associated with...
Could you be more specific?
It's very technical. I'd hate to waste the court's time with it.
Some debilitating stomach cramps.
Yes. Go on. Any more symptoms?
Partial facial paralysis, temporary blindness, drooling...
...bleeding gums, erectile dysfunction...
I think that's it.
One more question.
Do you remember what the soldiers called this illness?
They called it the Kane Madness.
Keep your head up.
You know she wants to give you some.
Were you even in that courtroom?
Getting barbecued like babyback ribs? It's all foreplay.
We've been hit.
Forget the foreplay. We just got screwed.
- Empty. - This is bad. This is very, very bad.
I don't care who they are. Stealing is stealing!
They took the rock, the samples, all the little wormy critters.
All the data's gone. The JPEG files, the DNA sequences. They cleaned us out.
- I'm calling the cops. - The cops?
They are the cops!
Let me ask you something.
How come you get to be a colonel and I'm just a private?
I was a colonel.
And you obviously served your country with distinction.
Consider yourself lucky.
The penalty for impersonating an officer is five years in prison.
Maybe for you, white boy. Me, they hang.
We been out here for twelve hours. My toe is starting to hurt.
- Just act like you belong. - Don't worry, I got this.
- Pick up that butt, soldier. - Sorry, sir.
- And tuck that shirt in. - Yes, sir.
Get the door.
Thank you, Private.
Don't get used to this.
Look at that.
Enjoy your lunch, gentlemen.
Your girlfriend, : .
The woman's a menace.
Testing, one, two.
This is DJ Harry Block here and I'm an Aquarius.
Stop. I can hear you.
Don't snap at me, unless you want an angry "Solid Gold" dancer on your hands.
I don't know.
I don't have anything on my schedule.
Maybe it's the guys from Sector doing a nocturnal specimen run.
You know how those guys are.
This place has changed.
Can you believe this?
Harry, look at that.
Our little babies are growing up.
Three weeks, it's already like a rain forest in here.
Looks like the kitchen from my first apartment.
...check that guy out.
Is it coming or going?
That tree just ate it.
Everything here seems to be food for something else, so let's stay off the menu.
You got that right.
Come here, look at these little things.
Yeah. Snag one and put it in the bucket.
I've seen this movie. The black dude dies first. You snag it.
Don't be scared. We came for a specimen, now snag one.
He won't hurt you, he's turned the other way. He's eating.
Come on, my little red lobster.
Come on, my sexy little crustacean.
Look at that backside.
Theatre-in-the-round. That's the kind of trunk space you want in a late model car.
Who does that remind you of?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
She's been throwing it at you enough.
- Dr. Reed? - Bull's-eye.
Excuse me. Dr. Reed? Did you authorise a walk-through?
You should probably take a look at something.
y:i That's the kind of rump you'd like to roast. y:i Kind of mother you'd like to butter.
y:i That is a nice image. y:i And I appreciate your assumption...
y:i ... that there is y:i an actual sexual human being...
y:i ... underneath y:i all Dr. Reed's deep-seated neuroses...
y:i ...but I don't think so. y:i - What?
y:i I think she is a humourless ice queen.
y:i That's just a cover, don't you know that? y:i All she needs is a good humping.
y:i Oh, Ira. Ira!
y:i We have to get a piece of the asteroid. y:i And cut that out, it disturbs me.
y:i Don't do that behind my back like that.
- I'm not doing it. - Cut it out.
I'm just walking.
Let's bag that and get the hell out of here.
I'm ready when you are, Colonel. This disco suit is making me chafe.
Hold it. Right there.
Dr. Reed. Nice to see you again. We were just leaving.
You realise you're in violation of the judge's orders. I could have you arrested.
Talk about violations. What about our lab?
Anyone have a can of Raid?
- What are you talking about? - You stole our computer files, our samples.
- I didn't steal anything. - Your buddies did.
- They cleaned us out. - No, we didn't.
You've been trying to grab credit...
...on our discovery from the beginning. We just want what's rightfully ours.
Credit has nothing to do with it. I'm concerned with public safety.
- Is any of this true, Flemming? - Absolutely not.
- Something's in my suit. - You're not going to believe him!
Something's in my suit.
- What? - There's something in my suit!
That's impossible, it's sealed!
The fly! There's a fly in my suit!
Take off your helmet! Turn up the oxygen!
It'll kill it!
Do you see it? Look. Do you see it?
- You're all right. Who's the man? - You are.
- No, you're the man! - I'm the man.
- You're the man! - Okay.
It's in me!
For the love of everything holy, get this thing out of me!
You'll be okay! Cut him open and get it.
Cut me open? There goes your Christmas gift, you Judas!
It's moving down his leg!
- What do we do? - Might have to amputate.
Don't take my leg! Don't let them take my leg!
Anything else you can do? He thinks he's an athlete.
It's heading for his testicles.
Take it! Take the leg!
It's going the other way.
Give me some forceps. I might be able to catch it in his colon.
- How will you go in? - Rectally.
I'll get the lubricant.
- No time. - There's always time for lubricant!
Okay, here we go.
- You have to try to relax. - It'll be okay.
I'll shove this gurney up your ass, see if you relax!
I'm going in.
- Don't clench. - You're so brave.
- A little more. - No more!
A little deeper.
Squeeze my hand.
- Almost there. - Open up.
- Breathe. - I'm breathing.
- Almost there. - You're there!
It just died.
Don't you ever do that again!
Those forceps were like this. You took it like a man.
You did great. Can we get you anything?
Ice cream. I'd like an ice cream, please.
It doesn't matter. It's for my ass.
Now I'm a Hawaiian warrior?
I'm thinking seriously about moving. Maybe to California. Start over.
Because of the fireman thing? Big deal. You flunked out.
You know how many times I've flunked in my life?
Pool boy, you watering down the mai tais?
No, sir. But let me fix you something special.
Because you're nothing but a big, fat monkey turd.
Drink's almost ready.
Here you go. That should tide you over.
"Don't forget, folks That's what you get, folks"
"For makin' whoopee"
That's going to stain.
Barry, where are you? I can't see you?
Where are you?
I'm down here, my pet, by the water.
Something just ate Barry Cartwright!
That's too bad.
I don't get it. How does someone with your background...
...credentials, and talent end up...
Your partner could have died. What were you thinking?
I was desperate.
I've been exiled out here in Arizona for five years...
...watching the world pass me by...
...and this amazing discovery falls into my lap. It's my ticket out of here.
I don't suppose you would understand that.
No, how could I? I'm just a humourless ice maiden in need of a good humping.
You heard that?
Loud and clear.
Don't think you know so much about me.
I'm sure I don't.
Thank you for not calling the cops.
- Be careful! - Stop being such a baby.
We've seen that car before.
No more bran for me.
Cut it out.
It's the meteor guy.
What's in the bag, your blow-up doll?
No. I've got something you're really going to like.
- What happened to you? - Shut up.
You guys teach here?
I was thinking about taking some classes...
...but I decided to hit the job market early and get a jump start on things.
Can we help you?
A guy got killed at my country club last night.
A real douchebag, but...
...that just doesn't make it right.
It was an animal attack.
Isn't that something?
Happened by the water hazard on the th green. The lady he was banging saw it.
We chased this sucker on the fairway, then it died in a sand trap.
It just died? How?
Like it was choking to death.
You know? Stopped breathing.
It's like nothing I ever saw before. I thought you guys might want to see it.
Jill, you've got some kind of infestation here.
You have a serious bug problem.
Jill? There's something in your closet.
Open the door, Grace.
Me? It's your house.
When did you guys get a dog?
We don't have a damn dog.
I don't think that's a dog. It's like some kind of rodent.
Or a muskrat or a pig.
How did it get in here?
It doesn't look too healthy, does it?
Well, it's frightened.
He can barely breathe, he's so scared.
Come on, cutie pie.
Don't be afraid.
Come on. That's a good boy...
What the hell is that thing?
Pick me up in an hour. No, two.
Well, an hour and a half would be good.
Hi. Do you have any messages for me?
Two single beds, please. We're fighting.
Come on. I'm tired. I've had two hours of sleep. I need a shower.
You mean the golf course? Woodman sent a team out there two hours ago.
Too bad you missed the -foot amphibian that's lying dead in my lab.
They're adapting. We have got to shut it down.
You're overreacting. We can handle this.
I used to be arrogant like you.
We're both aware of what that led to.
Take me seriously, Allison.
I do take you seriously.
Then talk to Woodman, because he won't listen to me.
We have to kill these things while we still can.
All right. I'll talk to him, but I can't promise anything.
Just one more thing.
Could you ever be attracted to me?
- 'Bye, Ira. - Just food for thought.
I've been an adjunct professor for almost four years.
I'm hoping this whole alien brouhaha will net me an honorary doctorate somewhere.
You going to finish that bacon?
Yeah, I am. I ordered it, didn't I?
So, about the coaching. Girls volleyball?
Do you ever get to see them take showers?
Yeah, all the time. Sometimes I shower with them.
You're kidding, right?
- So? - She's going to talk to Woodman.
So, level with me, fellows.
Is there some sort of alien...
...attack happening here?
We don't know.
Could I borrow your cream?
Hello, Ira. Still setting the world on fire?
That's Ira's ex over there sitting with the cop.
Why the police escort? You're not under arrest, are you?
Funny. This is Sam. He's about to make detective.
I know Sam. Maybe you can look into what happened to my missing shirts.
Did I tell you? She left with two or three of my shirts.
See what I mean?
I'm not up on the law, but is it against the law to...
...walk out of someone's house with what they own?
You want your shirt? Seriously, take it.
You must be cold, right? Is that it?
Why should I wear a shirt that's yours?
It's amazing how many women just open their shirt to him.
He'll let you borrow the shirt for just today. Right, Professor?
y:i - we have a code - y:i over in Valley Vista...
- ? That's an animal attack.
- Got to go, babe. - Now?
Be careful out there.
You'll take care of the check, right?
I want those shirts back, Denise.
You have to admit, this animal attack has kind of an ominous feel, doesn't it?
- Check it out? - Check it out.
Looks like we're under the microscope, so let's be subtle. No cowboy stuff, okay?
- No problem. - Professionals.
What are you doing here?
We heard about the attack.
Part of our job is to ascertain if there's any health risk.
No. Not this time. Forget about it.
- You didn't touch it, right? - That would be a serious no-no.
- You did? He touched it. - He shouldn't have touched it.
- What do we do? - I don't know.
Okay. Why don't you come in and take a look?
I'll be checking things out...
...around here in this vicinity.
This dog is all ass.
Jeez. Ira, look at this, man.
He would have come from in here, right?
It's just used for storage and access under the house.
Looks like he crawled through the dirt.
I was conducting...
...a parameter check, and there's something you better see.
You liked that thing, you're going to love this.
What is it?
What is it?
What did I tell you?
They're crawling out.
They're trying to breathe in our atmosphere.
Fortunately, they haven't been able to adapt yet.
- I think I know how these things got here. - How?
This entire area is just a honeycomb of caves and old mine shafts.
I believe the Moenave cave system starts a few miles away...
...west of the golf course. It runs into the foothills, continues to...
...the Kaibab Plateau and goes right into Lake Powell.
...is smack dab in the middle of the system. It's all connected.
- Could you repeat that? - I'm impressed.
Beneath this calm, sexy exterior beats the heart of a true scientist.
That one's moving.
What the hell is it doing?
I think it's trying to breathe.
That's like a big loogie!
"Mazel tov." It's a boy.
It's oxygen tolerant.
It's flying away. Is that a bad thing?
Only if you're a human being.
You know how I hate shopping.
- You need something for Thanksgiving. - I have enough clothes.
I think that colour is great on you.
I think this may be the place.
Ever used one of these before?
Just 'cause I'm a teacher don't make me a pussy.
Ladies, there's a flying extraterrestrial in the store. Can we focus?
I'm in here. Just a minute.
Just a second, please!
I said, just a second, bitch.
How would you like me to scratch out your eyes?
If I was a giant, nasty alien bird in a department store, where would I be?
- Lingerie. - Not you, the bird.
You go low. I'm going high.
We'll never find this damn thing.
I lost him!
How do you lose a -foot bird in a mall?
I don't know.
What do we do now?
I think we've established that "ca-caw" and "tookie-tookie" don't work.
So what do you say, Ira? Pack it in?
Step back. I'm going to shoot him.
Stand down. I'll kill this one myself.
Give me a chance. I'm communicating here.
Wayne, please stop. You are embarrassing me.
Sing. Rub some funk on it.
Here he comes! You grab the girl, I'll get the bird.
All right! Nice shot!
I am so sorry. I swear to God...
...I will never shoplift again.
So what do you want, light meat or dark?
You have to ask?
It's dead now.
y:i I'm standing at the edge of y:i the Valley Vista housing community...
y:i ... where just below me are dozens of giant, y:i odd-looking, dead creatures.
y:i We should stress that, to this point, y:i we have had no official word from...
y:i This ugly tentacle came out of the ground y:i and tried to grab my private parts.
y:i I batted it away. It got my hand.
y:i There is anxiety and confusion y:i in the Glen Canyon area.
y:i We're outside the state capitol building y:i awaiting comment from the Governor...
y:i ... concerning the nature and origin y:i of these extraordinary creatures.
Governor Lewis, this way.
Can someone tell me why I was not informed...
...that we have aliens crawling all over my beloved state?
Right now, media vultures are camped outside my office.
They know more about this than I do.
I should throw the bunch of you into prison.
Not the cushy federal place with jumpsuits. State prison, with crotch binders.
I'm sorry, but there were earlier security breaches by Dr. Kane and his team.
Wait a minute. No, no. Excuse me.
That's not exactly true, Gen. Woodman.
I believe the Governor's question was directed at me.
Put a plug in it! I'm not interested in bureaucratic crapola.
I want to know how bad this thing is.
It's bad, Governor.
According to the new ground sensors and satellite thermal scans...
...they indicate a potential problem.
I can't read this. What kind of problem?
Someone take this bag of snakes and lay them out straight.
- And you are? - Dr. Allison Reed.
Carla? Would you mind?
The red markings indicate the growth of the alien ecosystem.
Unless we act immediately, we will lose Glen Canyon in three days.
Great merciful Christ.
In a week, the rest of Arizona.
Then, the entire southwest.
In two months, the United States officially belongs to them.
And we are extinct.
You must be shitting me!
Admit it. You're glad to see us.
Yes, I am. Call the MP's. Have them arrested.
We just blew a giant alien bird out of a store. We're covering up your mess.
I'm Dr. Ira Kane, chairman of the science department...
...Glen Canyon Community College. This is my associate.
Harry Block, adjunct professor of geology. Voted for you.
Wayne Gray. I took some chemistry in high school.
You two are the original discoverers of the phenomena, correct?
Yes, and they're also responsible for the mess we're in now.
Here we go.
They broke into the contained area, breaching security procedures.
Disseminating the alien organisms outside the secured area.
Liar, liar, pants on fire!
Criminal charges are in order!
- This is bullshit! - It is not!
Shut up all of you! Listen.
My state is being overrun by aliens.
Now you're supposed to be experts. I want to know, and quick:
How will you deal with this?
This is an outline of the infected area as of this afternoon.
My plan is to evacuate everyone from within five miles of the perimeter.
You're talking about people.
Yes, sir. We evacuate, make it safe...
...then burn the alien menace the hell out of there.
With napalm. Lots and lots of napalm.
Napalm? Why don't you just nuke them?
What about nukes?
Nobody's dropping an H-bomb on my state.
All this talk about napalm and burning makes me nervous.
And we don't know how they'd react to such an attack on a cellular level.
Governor, it's time for a military solution. This will work.
General? Sorry to interrupt. You better take a look at this.
You called me out for this?
Sir, one of the creatures just destroyed video four.
What's going on down there?
My God. They've evolved into primates.
That's a face for radio.
They took out six and seven.
All the monitors are down.
Well, that can't be good.
That's the elevator.
We have no personnel down there.
They breached the air lock.
The fuzzy no-nose chimp?
Call for backup.
We need backup!
They're coming through the elevator!
They're coming through the elevator!
- Cover the elevator! - Give me a sidearm!
Okay, just stay behind me!
Get off me! I want to see!
Be prepared to fire.
It's empty, sir.
The Governor! Don't shoot!
Hold your fire. You'll get someone killed.
I'll take that now.
You have my full support to do whatever you need to do...
...however much firepower it takes.
Melt the place down to beaded glass, if that's what it takes.
Get these hellish creazoids out of my state!
Thank you, Governor. I'll be ready to go by noon tomorrow.
- Where've you two been? - Just getting out of the way...
Get me out of here.
Science project is over.
I want you and your people gone.
Soldier, escort these men out.
Don't you have work to do?
You are such an asshole.
When a woman expresses anger, it's often because...
Shut up, Flemming.
Okay. I know where the car is.
Wipe my ass, too.
Got room for one more?
Who wants to be deputy director of the CDC, anyway?
The real money's in the private sector.
- Are you sure about this? - Oh, yeah.
Listen, it may not seem like much now...
...but I got your research files and original samples.
...if we survive this, you guys will get the credit.
- It's nothing. - Let me get it.
No, I got it.
Sorry. Excuse me.
We haven't been formally introduced. I'm Wayne Gray.
I'm kind of with him.
Buckle up, Allison. We're rolling.
Oh, my goodness!
y:i Facilities are being provided for you y:i and your families.
y:i Please move in an orderly fashion.
They're going to blow up the whole town.
Hey! Hold on!
Where the hell you going?
y:i We need to clear this area, people.
y:i For your own safety, y:i evacuate immediately.
Arizona! It's going down, baby!
This may not be the best time to be drinking.
I was your first. We discovered you in that cave. You were scared and alone.
It was just you, me and Harry.
Those were good times.
So, why not level with me now?
You can trust me. Just talk to me.
Tell me the secret. Tell me the answer. Tell me how to kill you.
You are losing it, pal.
What is that stuff anyway?
Some of the original liquid material from inside the meteor.
- Why hasn't it evolved like the rest? - I don't know. Maybe being refrigerated?
Being in an airtight case, nothing to metabolise with. But we've still no clue...
When did you start smoking?
Not much of a point to clean living anymore.
They react to fire like it was Miracle-Gro.
The organisms were dormant in space. They hit Earth's atmosphere and bam!
Heat. Fire. That's the catalyst.
So if a tiny match catalyses this stuff like this...
...what's a ton of napalm going to do?
So much for the military option.
Better call that dick general.
- That's a lot of napalm. - Yes, it is.
We're going to blow those creatures straight to hell.
We'll flush them out along the mine shafts then mop up the edges as they...
...run trying to escape the flames.
Excuse me, sir. There's an urgent call from Dr. Reed.
She says she has important information about the mission.
Oh, really? Well, unfortunately, I'm not available.
He blew me off. Can you believe it?
- He wouldn't even take my call. - You did call him an asshole.
- We got beer! - Time to party!
- I'll take one of those. - Me, too. I just quit smoking.
What are you boys doing here?
Thought you could use a brew so you can mellow out.
Kick back and chill.
Have a beer, relax. It'll help with your research.
Yeah, help with your research.
Look at that thing.
Can we have that when you're done with it?
Fellas, thanks for the beers, but we're working.
- Look. - What are you doing?
Selenium. It could be the answer.
I'm looking at the periodic table on your T-shirt. I'm seeing a pattern.
Take off your shirt.
- No. - All right, look.
We are a carbon-based life form.
We move down here and you find our poison: Arsenic.
But the aliens are nitrogen-based, right?
You make the same move...
...down and over, and where do you find yourself?
It could be as lethal to them as arsenic is to us.
With their metabolic rates, it'll kill them fast.
Selenium. How much do we need?
Five hundred gallons should do it.
Five hundred gallons?
I hate to be a buzzkill, but where will we get that at : a.m.?
We can get that.
Head & Shoulders.
The dandruff shampoo?
Yeah, that's the stuff. The active ingredient is selenium sulphide.
How do you know that? You don't know anything.
Haven't you noticed how shiny and flake-free our hair is?
Okay, this is the best idea we got.
Let's give it a shot. Come on.
We'll get the troops together. We're getting shampoo!
I have the perfect vehicle.
Good! Donalds, you just got your A's.
There's something I should tell you, but I don't know exactly how.
Just say it. We're adults and we're about to die a horrible death soon anyway.
I would have rocked your world.
- You already have. - All full.
Can we continue this discussion later?
Let's do this!
Let's shampoo us some aliens!
Lots of soldiers around.
There's an old mine half a click south. We can sneak into the cave through there.
"Half a click"? What are you, in Vietnam?
Hey, I'm digging this. Work with me.
It's over here! It's right here!
- Are you okay? - I'm good.
Let's do this.
You sure this leads to the main cavern?
It'll lead somewhere. Geology's not an exact science.
Where are you?
Where are you, my little aliens?
Warm to the touch.
We've no time for you to act like you know what you're doing.
What happened to the respect?
Woodman's going at noon. We have to hurry.
- Good. Are the troops in place? - Ahead of schedule.
Excellent. We can go early.
Oh, no. What is he doing here?
I don't see anything burning. Where are all the explosions?
We're just getting underway. I didn't know you were coming to watch.
Well, better make it a good one, Sergeant.
Not if you screw this up. Keeping my chair warm for me?
I'll take a pair of spy glasses and a hot chocolate.
Give me the hose.
Get up top. When I give the signal, start pumping the selenium.
We'll spray all around the meteor...
...then get out of here as fast as we can.
Wayne, charge the line now!
That's the napalm!
Woodman went early.
Wayne, come on!
We've got to go!
Go! Faster! Get up there!
Run for your life!
Quite a bonfire we've got. Should have brought some wieners.
That can be arranged.
- First reports are excellent, sir. - Very good.
Keep it together, Wayne.
Oh, my God.
- It's coming! - What's coming?
Get the hell out of here!
- Great flaming whore balls! - General, look!
- Drive! - Go!
What the hell is that thing?
The napalm forced an evolutionary response, like the match in the petri dish.
Survival of the fittest. Often, the simplest organism is the strongest.
Guys? It's freaking out!
It's starting to have some sort of spaz attack.
That's not spazzing out.
It's getting ready to divide.
Wait. There's going to be more of these things?
- A lot more. - Its cycle is starting again.
It will go on growing and doubling until it takes over.
But we were here first.
So that Head & Shoulders idea. Is that still the plan?
So what if he's on "Air Force One"? It has phones. I've seen them!
I don't think this can wait an hour.
What's that fire truck doing out there?
Can you believe this?
We have to find a point of attack.
Allison, stop. Right here.
Here we go!
Get the ladder up!
Feed me the hose, Deke.
- What are you doing? - Going up top.
Not before me. I got a major score to settle.
Go, go, go!
We don't have much time, guys! Hurry!
- Left! - Left!
Got it. I haven't had much practice with this.
- What's going on? - I don't know, but it's getting bigger.
What are they doing with that ladder?
Looks like they're getting ready to administer a jumbo enema.
We got one shot. Let's do this.
It's payback time!
Keep it in there!
What's it look like I'm doing?
What the hell?
Oh, my God!
Give me back my friend, you big sphincter!
She's going to blow!
It's horrible in here!
- I got you! - Help me!
Hold me, Ira! Don't let me go!
We have to get out of here! This thing's going to blow!
You cannot imagine what I saw in there!
Hurry up, guys!
Ira! Don't you ever tell anyone where I've been!
Uh-oh. Time to go.
We did it!
Here we go, sir. Just relax and we'll have you as good as new.
I am happy to report that all remaining traces...
...of the alien menace have been eradicated...
...using the selenium shampoo formula developed right here.
Let me introduce our civilian scientist heroes and their team...
...the best the great state of Arizona has been privileged to produce.
So this is your moment. You wouldn't want to miss this for anything.
Firstly, I would like you all to meet Wayne Gray.
As of today, a fully credentialed fire-fighter.
I spoke to the chief.
Now, our next hero...
...Professor Harry Block, noted geologist...
...and winningest coach in north Arizona women's volleyball.
I appreciate that, Governor.
First, I thank God. With Him, all things are possible.
We just played tough defence, took it one alien at a time...
...and came away with the big W.
...Doctors Ira Kane and Allison Reed...
...whose tireless efforts, research, and academic findings led to the...
I think he's giving her a bit of the Kane Madness.
Fighting the alien menace can be tough work.
So is keeping your hair clean, shiny and dandruff-free.
So we always keep a healthy supply of...
...Head & Shoulders around the house.