The 40 Year Old Virgin Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the The 40 Year Old Virgin script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Steve Carell movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The 40 Year Old Virgin. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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The 40 Year Old Virgin Script




[A Life Of Illusion playing]



[Alarm buzzing]









Hey, Andy!

What's up, dude?



Hey, Joe. Hey, Sara.

How you doing?



When you going to

get a car?



Hey, why don't you

get a car?

I can't afford it.






So, Survivor tomorrow night.

We on?

See you then.



I'll bring a soda.

Hey, enjoy your orange.



Okay, take care.

See you. Bye-bye.



That guy needs to get laid.

Tell me something

I don't know.






Good morning.



Excuse me. Pardon me.






[Car horn blaring]



Excuse me.

Thank you.



Good morning.




Good morning, Paula.




Excuse me.

I have a question.



What is the difference between

Hi  and Digital video tapes?



I'm not a salesman,

so, I could probably...



Welcome to Smart Tech.

How can I be of service

to you?



Well, I was just




what is the difference

between these?




Well, if I'm photographing

someone as fine as yourself...



I'd probably go Digital.



  Hey, don't worry

I've been lied to   



My God.

Sorry I'm late, man.

No problem.



Oh, man.



I had a weekend.




We went to Tijuana, Mexico,

you know...



and we thought

it would be fun, you know,

to go to this show.



Everyone's, "You gotta

check out one of these shows."



And, you know,

it's a woman fucking a horse.



We get there,

and, you know, we think

it's gonna be awesome...



and it is not as cool

as it sounds like

it would be, man.



It's kind of gross.




You think,

"A woman fucking a horse"...



and you get there

and it's...



a woman fucking a horse.




It was really

giving it to her.



And you know what...



to be honest, I felt

bad for her. We all

just felt bad for her.




Kind of felt bad

for the horse.



Wow, that's something.

So what did you get up to?



You know, I just kind

of hung out. I was...



God, Friday,

when I went home...



I really wanted

an egg-salad sandwich.



And I was just obsessing

about it and I was like:



"Man, I'm gonna

make one of those."



So Saturday I went out

and I got, like,

a dozen eggs...



and I boiled them all

and then I just...



I spent, I don't know,

probably three hours...



like, three-and-a-half hours




you know, the mayonnaise

and the onions and paprika...



and, you know,

all the accoutrement.



And then, by the time

I was done...



I just really didn't feel

like eating it.



I can imagine.

And I didn't have any bread.



So, you know,

it was pretty good.

It was a good weekend.



Sounds pretty awesome.

Yeah, it was fine.



Sounds really fun.







Cool, cool.



Hey, Paula.




I gotta tell you something.

I'm really excited about it.



For the first time today,

I woke up...



I came to the store,

and I feel confident

to say to you...



that if you don't take

this Michael McDonald DVD...



that you've been playing

for two years straight, off...



I'm going to kill everyone

in the store...



and put a bullet

in my brain.



David, what do you suggest

we play?

I don't care. Anything.



I would rather watch

Beautician and the Beast.



I would rather listen

to Fran Drescher

for eight hours...



than have to listen

to Michael McDonald.



Nothing against him,

but if I hear Yah Mo B There

one more time...



I'm gonna yah mo

burn this place

to the ground.



You're such a smart ass.

Get back on the floor.




Fuck you.



[Clears throat]



This is a great TV.

Nothing beats a plasma.



What are you doing?

That's my customer.



It certainly is not.

When I came upon her,

she was unattended.



No, that's my...




Go to the checkout there.

Pick up there, please.



She was unattended

because I went to the back...



to get the brochure

that she requested.



I apologize,

but it's too late.



The transaction

has been completed.



Then you're gonna give me

half the commission.



You'll receive

none of the commission.



I need to talk to Paula.

This is crazy.



This is bullshit.



Every time I make a sale,

you go crying to Paula.



How about Jesse Jackson?

Old Jesse needs a cause.



Sick of you poaching

my customers.



I'm sick of your

crybaby bullshit.



You wanna take this

shit outside? Just take it

outside and squash it?



Let's stay inside,

so everybody can see

what a pussy you have, okay?



Because when I remove

the blade I keep in my boot

from its sheath...



I can't return it

until it has spilled blood.



Look, listen to me.

You are fucking

with the wrong nigger.



Hey! You're fucking with

the wrong sun-nigger, okay?



Dude, I will hang your old ass

by your turban.



Turban now? Do you see

any fucking turban here?



Do I talk like a turban guy?



Do I say, "Hey, Jay,

do you want a Slurpee?

You want a Slurpee?"



Fuck you, okay?

I was born in Brooklyn.



Brooklyn, okay?



My accent is a fucking

Brooklyn accent, okay? Okay?



All right, man.

Calm down, dude.



Look, you still covering

my shift on Friday or what?



If I can keep this commission,

with pleasure.



Cool, then. All right, pop.

No problem.



How about Andy?




Come on, man.

We need, what,

five guys...



to play a decent

poker game, right?




If we cancel this,

I'm gonna have to go...



to some stupid-ass

birthday party with Jill...



and that shit

ain't happening.





Why not?



He's a really nice guy and all

but I'm pretty sure that...



he is a serial murderer.



Who cares, man?

He's a nice guy.



I just wanna get drunk,

fucked up,

and play some cards.



That's great.

Look, I don't wanna

end up a lampshade...



in some creepy apartment,

that's what I'm saying.



I don't really see

any other options.



Andy. My man.



You got any plans

later on tonight?



Why, do we have to unload

the Sony truck?



No, the guys

are getting together,

we're playing some poker...



thought, you know,

you'd wanna play.



With you guys?



Yeah, sure.

That would be cool.



You know how to play, right?

Yeah, I play online sometimes.



We're gonna play

in the store.




Are we allowed

to do that?



Absolutely not.







Well, so I'm gonna

go tell Paula.



I'm just kidding.



I'm kidding.

That sounds great. Cool,

I'll see you guys tonight.




All right.







I almost feel guilty.

No, you don't.



Going down!



Going down!






And a full house.



Oh, my dukes!




How much fucking online poker

do you play, dawg?



For like an hour or two

a night, when I'm not

playing Halo.



Why did you invite this guy?

He's a fucking ringer, man.



This is hog shit.



You, you're a fucking asshole

to tell me to come here.



You tell me he was a nice guy,

didn't you?



Well, fuck you people,

and fuck you, you and you...



fuck and kiss my big brown

fucking ass, okay?




I'm gonna see you tomorrow.




All right, man.




Fuck a goat.



[All laughing]



Good night.

I love that guy.



Dude, you totally...

Oh, shit, I gotta go. Damn.



About to go see Ellen

in a little bit.



Going now?

Late-night action, huh?



Dude, you know

how it goes.



Does your girlfriend know

about all these

late-night visits?



It's like an unspoken

agreement. Yeah.



It's like a completely

and utterly unspoken




If you knew her, if you knew

who I was dealing with...



you wouldn't be

saying this shit.



There's nothing you can't do

with this woman...



straight up and down.

I've done

every single thing...



I could possibly create.

I've literally lubed up...



and made love to the arches

of her feet. All right.








Foot fuck!

That's sick, man.




That is not sick.



I will give you sick.

Oh, shit.



I was sleeping with a woman

recently, she had the...



Her tits were unbelievable.

Oh, man, I love titties.



And so we're doing it

and I'm about to finish...



and her dog starts

licking my ass.



I swear to God, I have

to decide, do I finish

or do I stop the dog?



I know your nasty ass.

He finished.



I finished.

And then I stole the dog.



No, I didn't, but...



You know, sometimes,

Amy and I would make love...



till it was almost like

we weren't two people...



but we were two spirits

or something.



Our souls were

connected in this way,

I can't describe it.



Time stood still.

It was like we were

sharing the same heart.



Stop, man! Why do you

always come and kill the vibe

with those things?



"Sharing the same heart,"

that's like some...



Britney Spears shit, man.



This is three grown ass men,

don't nobody want to hear

that shit.



Yeah, man, come on,

nobody wants to

hear that shit.



Thank you, Andy.

Dude, you broke up

two years ago.



You get over it

at some point.

Two years, man.



You need to get past that...



because no ass

is worth thinking

that much about...



I always say.



Andy, do me a favor.



Would you please help him

redeem himself by telling

a real sex story?






I don't... You know what,

I'm a gentleman

and I don't...



I don't kiss and tell.



Fuck it, I raise you.

Nastiest shit

you've ever done.



I'm talking about nasty.






So many stories

are running through

my head right now.



I dated this girl...



for a while, and she was

really a nasty freak.



She just loved to get down

with sex all the time.



She was like, any time of day,

she was like:



"Yeah, let's go.

I'm so nasty."



And I'd be nailing her.



Oh, shit.

She'd be like:



"Oh, you're nailing me. Cool."



She talk dirty to you?

She loved to dirty-talk.



Totally into it.

She'd be like:



"Yeah, let's screw, let's...

I wanna fuck."



God, it was so dirty.



She'd be like, "Me so horny,

me love you long time."







So what were the titties like?

Yeah, describe her...



Yeah, she had great tits.



No, I mean, like, detailed.

Did she have, like,

you know...



them little pink

teeny nipples.

Oh, yeah.




Or like the long

National Geographic nipples.



You have like

the bumpy Braille nipples,

the Stevie Wonders.




Yeah, they were nice.



You know, when you, like,

you grab a woman's breast

and it's...



And you feel it and...



it feels like a bag of sand

when you're touching it.



Bag of sand?



You know what I mean.

Why don't we just play?



Why don't you just

deal the cards?



What are you

talking about?



Have you ever felt

a breast before, man?






Dude, are you gay?

No, I'm not gay.



I've been with

tons of women.



I touched a guy's balls

at Hebrew school once.



Dude, it's not a big deal.

You like to fuck guys.



I'm cool. I got friends

who fuck guys, in jail.



No, I'm not gay.



No, I've borked a lot of women

in my day.



You've "borked"?



Hold up.

Yo, answer this question:



Are you a virgin?



Are you a virgin?



Yeah, not since I was 10.



It all makes sense.

You're a virgin.



I am... Shut up.

How does that happen?



He's a fucking virgin.



I knew it. That makes

so much sense, man.

Look, he's a virgin.



You guys are hilarious.

All right, come on,

don't be mean.



I'm not being mean.

I'm trying to

help the partner out.



I'm trying to say

I wanna get you laid, dude.



I understand

what's going on.



You guys are so up your asses.



From now on,

your dick is my dick.

I'm getting you some pussy.



[Men laughing]



A bag of sand! Come on, man!

You could do better than that.



God, me so horny?

Me so stupid!






Oh, come on.






It's gonna be fine.

They don't even remember.



Those guys are cool.



[Alarm buzzing]



This is gonna be bad.




Yeah, well,

virgin's not a dirty word.



You know what's a dirty word,

is asshole...



and that's what you guys are.



You know,

I may not have had sex,

but I could fuck you up.






Come on.



Hey, David.

Hey, Andy.



What's up?

Cal, good morning.




Hey, Andy.




We're gonna have to get you

some punani.



[Both guffawing]



Andy, it's going down,

partner. We're gonna be...






This for you, partner,

this for you.



Waves of them coming at you

on Friday, Saturday.



By Sunday,

your nuts gonna be drained.



Hey, Andy, don't let him

bother you. It's okay

not to have sex.



Not everybody

is a pussy magnet.



What are you?   ?

I'm   .



Holy shit, man.

You've got to get on that.



Life isn't about sex.

Life is about children

and passion.






And spirit.

Yeah, life's about passion.



It's not about fucking

and balls and pussy.



It's about love.

It's about people.



It's about connection.

It's all about connections.



It's not about cock

and ass and tits

and butthole pleasures.



It's not about

butthole pleasures at all.



It's not about

this rusty trombone

and dirty Sanchez.



Please stop.

And Cincinnati bowtie.



And your pussy juice cocktail

and this shit-stained balls.



Mooj, just please stop.

Just relax...



All right.

That's enough, party's over.



Let the virgin

get back to work.






Andy, come on.

We were just kidding.






Andy, nobody cares

that you're a virgin.



Don't be such a baby.



They were just having fun.

They didn't mean anything.



Get away from me, David.

Wait a minute.



Stop following me!

Hold up.



Hold on.

I'm gonna have to

quit my job now.



You don't have to

quit your job.



You know what, I don't wanna

go out with you guys.




Okay? I don't need your help.



Okay, fine, you don't

have to go out with us

if you don't want.



You know what,

I respect women,

I love women.



I respect them so much

that I completely

stay away from them.




I have a very fulfilling life.






And now, I am making

your silver pants blue.



Get some roadburn, come on!



Come on, sucker!



  Now, pretty ladies

around the world  



  Got a weird thing

to show you   






Oh, my God!



Hey, Will and Grace,

back to work.



Hey, Haziz, can you just

give us a second?



We're just kind of

in the middle of something.



I'm on my break, okay?



Fuck off, Haziz.

Leave us alone, all right?



Fuck off? Fuck you!

Fuck you!



Fuck you! Fuck off.

Fuck off.



I'm gonna kick you

in the nuts, asshole.



Hey, hey!

Watch the language, okay?

I have a family.



Watch how you talk to me!



It's a free country, Bambi.

I can smoke out here

if I want to.



Smoke my pole.



You are a very unkind man.

Get inside!



This is not professional.




this asshole over here...



It's okay.





It's all right. Come on.

You know, it's just...



So, how could this

not have happened?



It just never happened.



When I was young, I tried,

and it didn't happen.



And then I got older and I got

more and more nervous...



because it hadn't

happened yet.

And I got kind of...



weirded out about it.

Then it really

didn't happen...



and then, I don't know,

I just kind of stopped trying.



Do you want to give it

another shot?



Maybe it's too late.



Sometimes I feel that

it is just too late for me.



No, that's crazy.



You're    years old.

You know,    is the new   .



You wanna spend

the next    years

of your life...



never experiencing sex?



And not just sex, but love...



and a relationship,

and laughing and cuddling

and all that shit.



I don't know.



I wouldn't know what to do.

Look, you gotta take a risk.



You gotta risk it.

Look at me.



I went out with this girl

for four months...



and it was the greatest...



greatest thing in my life.



Until she went down on this

guy in an Escalade, I think.



And, you know,

instead of saying:



"Okay, what am I doing

that caused this behavior?"...



I dumped her. Stupid decision.



I spent the last two years

of my life regretting it.



Why don't you

get her back right now?



Because she's dating

this pot dealer.



Stupid horrible decision.



But, hey, that's her journey,

you know.

I gotta respect that.



I gotta give her the space.



She wants to be

some immature little bitch

and blow everybody...



that's love, man.

It sounds horrible.



Of course it's horrible.

It's suffering...



and it's pain and it's...

You know, you lose weight...



and then you

put back on weight...



and then you call them

a bunch of times...



and you try and email

and then they move

or they change their email...



but that's just love.



Do you realize that

this is the first time...



we've spoken for more than,

like,    seconds?






It's kind of nice.

Come out with us this weekend.



No pressure.

We'll just have a good time.



Okay, yeah, I will.

I'll give it a shot.






But I'm not going to have sex

with anybody.



Good, sex should be

the last thing on your mind.



  [I Got Ants In My Pants




Logjam. Hi.






Oh, God.






See you later.

Thanks for the dance.



I'm okay. It's all right.



Oh, come on, bus!



Oh, come on, dogs!



Shit! You gotta be kidding me.



I mean, I'm kind of nervous.

I never had oral sex before.



Jennifer told me how to do it.

It's gonna kick ass.






What are you doing?



Okay, just...

We're almost there.






We have one.

Houston, we have one.



You'll pull my

fucking hair out!



We did it.




Oh, my God,

you came in your pants.



What did you do?

I had some Cream of Wheat.



You know what else is sexy?











on your...






That's what you want to

suck on?




It's just so big and thick.










That tickles.






I'm sorry. Oh, no.



Your nose is bleeding.

You think?



I'm sorry.

I'm hot.



But, now,

you can't have any of this.



You should just

give up forever!






  [Ain't No Mountain

High Enough playing]



Cal, what do you think?

Is this too yellow?






What's Curious George like

in real life?



Come on, man.



  [J.O.D.D. playing]



Wow, this is

pretty crowded.



Yeah. Well,

it's $  beer night.



Okay, look now.



So, this is

what's about to happen,

all right?



You about to go run down

some drunk chicks, all right?



And don't confuse

that with tipsy.

We talking about drunk.



I want vomit in the hair,

bruised-up knees.



A broken heel is a plus.



That's what you

want to find, okay?



No, Dave already told me

I didn't have to have sex




And now he's gone, so...



Dude, just stop thinking

for a minute, all right?



You ain't got to think

on this one.



All you got to do

is use your instinct.



Show me your instincts.



My head, my heart.

I follow my heart.



Now, I'm gonna show you this

one time, all right?




Show me your instincts.



Show me your instincts.

They're right here.



Own your instincts.



All you doing

is using your instinct.

That's it.



That's how a tiger know

he got to tackle a gazelle.



There's a code

written in his DNA.



It says,

"Tackle the gazelle."




And believe it or not,

in every man, there's

a code written that says:



"Tackle drunk bitches."




You know what,

I don't feel comfortable...



hitting on drunk "bitches,"

you know.



I don't think that's right.



Okay, hold up.



First of all,

you making it out to be

some kind of bad thing.



I didn't use bitches

in a derogatory sense.

You did.



It just does...

This doesn't feel right.



Of course it don't feel right.

What has felt right for you

didn't work.



You need to try

some wrong, dawg.



Okay, how do I tell

which ones are drunk?



Now you're talking.

All right, check this out.



You see this redhead

over here?




With the big old titties.

I'm not gonna

stare at a woman.



Dawg, I'm not telling you

to stare at nobody.



I'm telling you to use

your peripherals.

Now look at me.



See. Look. See?




I'm not looking at you.



No. I'm looking at...

You're looking at her?



What do you want me to do?

I want you to use

your peripherals.



See? I'm not looking at you.



No. See, I'm looking

at the redhead at  :  

with the big titties.



You see her, racked up

right there, see her?







You find one with

the peripherals.




You see, over by the post.



It looks like a...



It's either a ficus...



It might be

a rubber tree plant.



All right, if you're

making a joke, dawg,

it's not funny.



I see a blonde

and she's very pretty.



Better, okay. All right.



Now with your peripherals...



            got to scope out

a hot, drunk chick.



And then you should

make your move.



Okay? All right.




And remember, it's

more important that she's

drunk than she's hot.



For this first one.

Go get her.

Peripherals, though.



All the way.



All peripherals.



That boy is stubborn.



Hi, I'm Andy.

You look comfortable.



Can I get you

another cocktail?



Too drunk.



But you got the right idea.

But clinically alive.







I'm having trouble

finding the drunk people.



You want to know

where there's one?




I. I, Captain Yellowshirts.






Okay. Have a good one.







I met a girl and she's here

with a bachelorette party...



and they invited us

to party with them.



Okay, that's good.

It's so good...



because no one is hornier

than a girl...



who's about to watch

her friend get married

to a guy.



It's so funny.



[Women whooping]



So we just decided because

this is my last night

as a free woman...



before I marry Dan,

that we would just wig out.



We're wigging out!



You guys are hilarious.



Wait a minute.



Yes, Mr. President.

Yes, the erection results

are in.



[All laughing]



Hey, guys, look,

it's Dr. Zeus' penis.



I really mean this.



Hey, everybody,

who wants penis cake?



I do.




She does.

Hey, you guys,

Betty Cocker.



[All laughing]



What a good guy. What a...



Dan, the guy

Robin's marrying...



is such a good guy.



He sounds like a good guy.



I hated him for like two years

'cause he cheated on me.






he's really changed now.



He's a really good guy now.

Your friends seem nice.



You have really kind eyes,

you know that?



Thanks. Your hat

has sequins.









[Both tittering]



Your hands are on my belt.




Your hands are on my belt.

I'm sorry.



It's good.



You're cute.



This is kind of lame.

You wanna get out of here?



Okay, yeah.







Come on.




You wanna drive?



I don't have a car

with me here, so...



Cars just suck.






I'm driving.



Are you drunk?



No, I didn't have anything

to drink.



Blow into this?







What is this?

The judge recommended

I get one.



[Engine starting]



  [Get Ur Freak On playing

on car stereo]



Whoa, okay. Wow.

That's fast.




Come on, you're in the lasso.






  Missy be puttin' it down  



  I'm the hottest round  



  I told y'all




  Y'all can't

stop me now  



  Listen to me now  



  I'm lastin'    rounds  



  And if you want me, people  



  Then come on

get me now   



And Dan's like,

"You're such a B-l-T-C-H,




[Tires screeching]



And I'm like,

"You're the bitch, bitch."



You know?




What was your name again?







Let me tell you

something, Andy.

Don't ever be named Dan.



Dan rhymes with man,

and men jerk off.



And he was a jerk-off.



Do you know what I mean?

Look out! The car!




I like you.



You're not a...






I think I ate some

bad shellfish sandwich

or something.



You're cute.




That tasted good.

That tasted like shellfish.



Look out! Sorry.



Watch it!






Do you think I'm pretty?

Oh, yes.



Oh, God, yes!



You're not looking at me.

Yes, you're pretty.



You're not looking at me.

Yes, you're pretty.



Do you think I'm pretty?

Look at me.



Look at me!

I'm looking! You're pretty!



God, I just wanna live!



God, I hope

I get my period soon.



I am in a bad mood.




I'm so tired.



Hey, whoa!



[Glass shattering]



Oh, God! Turn away!



Hey, get off the wheel.



You're not gonna

get in my pants

acting like that.



I'm starving.



Let's get some

fucking French toast.



[Tires screeching]



Okay, here we are.

Oh, God, we made it.



Home sweet home.



Oh, mommy!









Are you okay?

The fucker came

out of nowhere.



Okay. We're okay.









Are you okay?



Well, are you...

What's the matter?






I'm sorry.



That's okay.

I think I kind of

had that coming.



I'll still have sex with you

if you want.



You know what, I think

I'm gonna pass on the sex,

if you don't mind.



At least I don't have

to work out tomorrow.



Did you have

a daiquiri tonight?




I thought you might.



It was a very bad night.



[All laughing]



Yeah, laugh.



You know what,

you guys wouldn't be

laughing right now...



if some girl had just

vomited shellfish sandwich

into your mouth.






You know what, you're right,

it's my bad.



Let me apologize to you

first of all...



for not mentioning in detail

that when you pick up

a drunk woman...



who's falling down

on her way out of the bar...



that you should

probably drive.

I drive a bike.




Mr. Schwinn-fucking-Armstrong,

who asked you to drive a bike?



You know what,

I'm not the only person

in the world...



who rides a bike.



Yeah, everyone rides a bike,

when they're fucking six.



Why don't you kiss something?



Because this is over,

you guys, okay?



Can I just interject

for a second?




Let me just say...



you're putting the pussy up

on this pedestal.



You're just building

the pussy up, man.



What are you even

talking about?



"Building the pussy up,"

what does that mean?



You making the pussy into

this great big Greek goddess

named Pussalia...



and what you're doing is...



you're psyching yourself

into thinking

it's some impossible feat.



Yeah, I think

you're right.



I'm putting the pussy up

on a pedestal.




That's it.



It's "Pussalia," right?



Look where you going.

I don't wanna say

the word anymore.



Say what word?

"Pussy." I don't wanna say it.



Fuck it.

"Pussy" is a scientific word.



Dude! New pants, man.



You know what, Dave?



You know, you said

there wasn't gonna be

any pressure at all.




I'm not pressuring you.

Excuse me.



Can one of you guys

help me, please?



No hablo English, lady.



I actually am helping

a customer right now.



Okay, well...

I'm on break.



But our stock supervisor

is very knowledgeable.



He can answer

all of your questions

and he'd love to help you.



Thank you.



Have a nice day.

You, too.



Great, okay. Hi, I'm Trish.

Hi, Andy is my name.



This one looks pretty good.

You don't wanna buy that VCR.



I don't?



No, actually to be

totally honest with you...



you don't wanna buy

any VCR.



It's a dead technology.



It's like getting

an eight-track player.




Or a Betamax.



You know what, actually

I'd recommend this one.



This is a dual.



You've got the VCR

and DVD combo.



So, you know,

that technology would be

probably pretty good for...



Six months or so?




That's good.



At best. Sorry.




As good as it gets.



Okay, that sounds good,




Okay, all right.



[Cal speaking Spanish]



It's perfect.




Coming through.






God, you know,

it's so funny, I work

right across the street...



and I've never been

in this place.



Really? Where at?





"We Sell Your Stuff On eBay"





And that's the name?



Yeah, I was

looking for something...



you know, obvious.

So I chose that.



I don't understand.

So, what, you do what?



Well, I take the stuff

that you don't want...



and then I "sell" it

on eBay.



But you don't actually

sell anything in the store?



No. I don't.



So why do you have a store?



I don't know.



No, I think it's because,

you know, I wanna maybe

look professional...



and not like a crazy person

who's just gonna

steal all your shit.



Sure. I didn't

mean anything by that.



No, it's okay.



You know what,

you should come by sometime

if you want, you know...



see it for yourself,

check it out.



I'll check out

your empty store.



Yeah, it's the one

across the street

that's not empty.



Here's my number. So...



All right.

So, just anytime.



Why do I need your number

if you're across the street,




I don't really have

a good answer for that, Andy.

I just...




Just giving it to you.



So I'll write you up,

and I'll meet you over

at the register.




And check you out...

Check out.



Okay, see you over there.







Awful chatty.




Look, I think she gave me

her number.



She wrote down her number,

but I think she gave me

her number.



No, she gave you.

Dude, man.



See, you still mad at me?



No, I was never.

Right, you see what I mean?



Yeah, we gonna

celebrate it, man. Yeah.



This is pretty cool.





Come on,

give him some credit, man.



The man pulled a number.



It's just... I was in...

I can't believe that happened.



What you did

with you's own hand.



Man, she just gave me

her number.



That's great, man.

I'm telling you,

love is a mysterious fig.



It is.



Okay, here's a question.

When should I call her?



You like her?




You definitely

don't want to call her.



When is the next Olympics?




So what you just

got to do is...



just get you a bunch

of these hood rats...



run through them,

just knock them out.



Boom, boom, boom.



And once you've done

slayed like   

   of them hood rats...



now you ready to go up

to the upper echelon type ho.



You know what I mean?

I'm not a big ho runner.



My uncle used to drive

a ho runner.



Screw these analogies.

What he's saying is...



you are going to be so bad

at sex the first time...



you don't want to have sex

with someone you like...



'cause they'll think

you're a weirdo for being

so lame at it.



You want to have sex

with hood rats first...



so that by the time

you get to the girl

you do like...



you're not terrible at sex,

you'll be mediocre at it.



Probably still

pretty bad, though.




Let's put it up for my man

for pulling that number.



Way to go, man.

Politicked his ass off.




You did politic.

Thanks a lot.



Like a train, round the bend.

You ready?



[Clears throat]









I can't.

Do it.



I can't pee in public.

Gotta do it.



I've got a mental block

about it.



Come on, do it.

I'm shy!






I peed in public!



Let me out.

I can't hear

what you're saying.



I don't want to be in here.

It's a soundproof room.



Just learn the techniques.

Right on, man.



[Woman moaning]



You guys, this is not funny!















Hey, what you watching?



Dawn of the Dead, man.




The store is slow.

Paula's gone.



Yo, is Paula back?

No. She's not here.



She said we can't

watch this in here.

You sure?



I know.

Can I ask you something

in confidence?



I know this is gonna

sound weird.



Am I good-looking?



Do you think a woman

will find me attractive?




Oh, my God!



Oh, my God, the blood just...

Okay, never mind.



Wait, Andy. Hold up.




this is embarrassing for me.

This is hard to talk about.



Are you ready

for my honest answer?





I think you're

a good-looking cat.



I don't think

that anybody knows it...



and I don't think

anybody can see it.




that's why I'm asking you.



You seem really well-groomed

and really put together.



I mean, look, dude.

You think this was

an accident?



All of this right here?

Premeditated, partner.



You gotta highlight

your attributes,

like a diamond in the rough.



You willing to make

some sacrifices?






You see that whole

Teen Wolf thing

you got going right there?



You need to wax

that right out.



Does it hurt?

No. Waxing don't hurt.



I mean,

not unless you're a bitch.

You know what I mean?



It didn't hurt me.

I get it done all the time.




What the fuck!






Fuck that nigger up!



Bitch, get out of the room!




This is gonna be good.



This the one right here,


Hi, how are you?



So this is your first time

getting body waxed?



Yes, it is.



Take off your shirt.




We're gonna need

more wax.



I'm staying.

This is gonna be good.



And clear all my appointments

in the afternoon.



Here we go.



That feels warm.




I like your sweater.

Does that come in a V-neck?




She starts doing his pubes,

I'm out of here.




You gonna look good

after this, man.



Thanks, man.



So, ready?




[Speaks foreign language]






You fucker!



I'm sorry.

That's just your job.



You want me to stop now?

No. It's okay.



Let's do another one.



That one little patch

looks sexy though.



Does it look good?


Yeah, it looks really good.







It looks man-tastic.







Wow! I didn't expect

that at all.

I really didn't expect that.




You got it. The first one

is the only one that hurts.




Those hairs are pretty deep.






You ready?




[Speaks foreign language]






Sucker motherfucker!



You shithead! I hate you!



I hate you so much!



That one hurt.



That one hurt

just as much as the first one.



That's great, man.







One, two, three.






Fuck me!



In the asshole!



[Andy exclaiming]



I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.



I really don't

swear this much.



You know what,

I got a weak stomach.



That's all I can really take.

I'll see ya'll.





Be tough, Andy, you got it.



Where did Jay go?


He went to throw up.







One, two.






Cocksucker motherfucker!



You pulled on two.



Why didn't you

pull on three?



Freddy pie hole!



[Andy exclaiming in Spanish]



No! Kelly Clarkson!






[Andy screaming]

Ya'll done or ya'll...



That's fucked up.


Oh, shit falls!



That's fucked up.



I hate you.



Stop smiling, you jerk!



You pussy.



Oh, God. What's next?



You're doing the nipple.


Not the nipple.



Come on.

Not the nipple.



Please, Cal,

hold my hand.



You kidding me, man?

Hold my goddamn hand, man.



Do it! Just hold.

Okay, here we go.










No. Yup.



One, two, three.




Nipple fuck!



Mika, you should

burn in hell!



Okay, all right.

No, seriously,

I think I'm done.



I think we're done.

I think that's good.






You know what, guys...



this is not

a good look for me!



You look like

a man-o'- lantern.



Thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Thank you.







Thank you very much.

You're welcome.



Thank you.





I owe you an apology, man.



I wasn't very nice

to you for the past

two-and-a-half years.



You were nice to me.



No, I was... I thought

you were really boring and...



I kind of thought

you were a serial killer.






I'm not joking.




Sorry. Shoot. Sorry, sorry.



Don't worry. There's a lot of

padding in these.



I could hurl it

off the balcony,

it would be fine.



Yeah. It will be fine.

We couldn't break this...



if we tried.

No problem.



Look, you shouldn't listen

to Dave and Jay, okay?



Those guys are crazy.

You should listen to me, okay?



Look, there is a hot-ass girl

who works right there.



There she is,

in the bookstore.

You should ask her out, man.



Something wrong

with her underpants.




Yeah, they're not in my mouth.



You know, I kind of...



like the woman

from the eBay store.



That's great, but...



you're not gonna

get with anyone...



unless you play

the odds on this, man.



You need to plant

a lot of seeds.



It's like this.

When I was growing pot,

I realized...



that the more seeds

I planted...

Thank you.



...the more pot

I could ultimately smoke.



I think I have all the advice

that I can handle right now.



Don't get bitter.



I'm not bitter.

I almost lost a nipple, okay?



That was Jay's idea, okay?



And I wasn't going to

say anything,

but waxing your chest is...



like the gayest thing

you could possibly do, okay?



Look at me.

Looks are not important.

Really look at me.



I am ugly as fuck

by traditional standards...



but I get with women.



Aren't you curious

as to how that's possible?



I am not ugly as fuck.



I didn't say you were

ugly as...



Well, you implied it.




It doesn't matter if

you're ugly as fuck

or you're ugly as shit.



It's about talking to women,

and I know how to do that...



because I observe,

because I am a novelist.



What? You never

told me that before.



That's because I am not

an arrogant prick, Andy.



Okay? The problem

most men have is...



they don't know

how to talk to women.



You know what my problem is?

I am not interesting.



What am I supposed to say?

"I went to magic camp?"



"I'm an accomplished




"I am a seventh-degree

imperial yo-yo master."






Do me, yo-yo master.



I want you to do me,

'cause you're the yo-yo guy.



Are you done? Listen.



The problem

most men have is...



they just plain straight up

have no clue

how to talk to women.



Just ask a question, okay?

That's it.



Because women do not care

about what you have to say...



at all anyway, you know.



And all they want to do

is talk about themselves.



So you're just gonna

let them do that.



Okay? So remember.



Questions, be cool,

and be kind of a dick.



Here, be David Caruso

in Jade.



Okay. I know exactly

what you're talking about.



You do. That's good.




There she is.



Go plant that seed, man.



Plant it with your finger.



Can I help you?



I don't know. Can you?



Are you looking

for something?



Is there something

I should be looking for?






We have

a lot of books.



So, maybe it depends

on what you like.



What do you like?



We have a great section of...






Do you like to

"do it yourself"?



Sometimes. I mean...



if the mood strikes.



How is the mood

striking you now?









What's your name?



What's your name?



I'm Beth.









Don't tell on me,

okay, Andy?

I wont.



Unless you want

to be told on...






Wow. That totally worked!



I literally said nothing.

And she found me fascinating.



I would've thought

you were doing that for years.



Should I have asked her out?

No. That's the key.



You wait for it

to grow into a plant...



and then you fuck the plant.






This is easy.



All right.



Hello, Trish.

How you doing?

What's going on?






Good joke.



This is a fun conversation.



Just grow a backbone

and call her.



She asked you to call her.

She wants you to call her.



[Telephone ringing]






Hey, how you doing?



How you doing?

I'm well.



Who is this?



This is James.

James. Do I know you, James?






I was wondering whether

you had a few minutes...



to talk about

a little laundry detergent.



Are you a telemarketer, James?






Are you at the top

of a tall building?



Can you get to a roof quickly?

Jump off!



I mean, you people are sick.



Get a real fucking job,

why don't you?



Go shoot yourself

in the fucking head.



Hey, why don't you just,

you know,

get a knife and run into it?



Why don't you do that, huh?




I'll see you later, James.



Nice to talk to you.

Fuck your mother, okay?







[Doorbell ringing]



Hey, man.

Got a big box of porn for you.



Can I come in?







Sweet video game chair.



So what's in the box?



It's my personal collection

of erotica.



I want to give it to you.



I think there might be

a few tapes in there

that just might open up...



Pandora's box of love.






Amy and I,

we used to watch

Harry Twatter...



and we'd put it on

the television...



and then act it out

as it was going on...



and it was...



She's adorable.



Fucking bitch.



Well, you know,

this is really gracious

and kind...



and generous and everything.



But I just don't want

a big box of porn

in my apartment.



There's some really

great stuff in here.



Really great movies in here,




Hey, did you ever see

School of Rock?




Well, this is...



It's called School of...



You know...



That's nice.

But it stars Jack Black Cock.



That makes sense.



Dude, here it is.



Boner Jams '  .

It's a mixed tape I made.



All these great scenes

that I was really into

in the summer of     .



I think you'd really dig it.

Yeah. Now I can see that.



This is...



Everybody Loves Raymond.



That's probably

not supposed to be...



This is a good show.

I just tape it sometimes.



Well, I don't think

you understand something,




I don't want this stuff, okay?

Because I don't do that,

that much.



What, masturbate?




Dude, I've jacked it twice

since I've been here.



Are you kidding me? Why not?

It's not a hobby of mine.



Well, then,

that's the only hobby

you don't have.



No, seriously,

I just don't feel comfortable

talking about...



You need to.

You're wound up.



You're like one of these

action figures...



all hermetically sealed

in your box.



You gotta play with...




Don't take it out!



I'm sorry.

You know what, it's just...



It loses its value if you

take it out of its packaging.



I'm just saying, let it out.

Give it some air, man.

Play with it.



Take your porn with you.

I'm not taking it.



Take your box-o-porn.



It's my gift to you.

No. I don't want it.



David, it's not...



Andy, for the last time...



I don't want your giant box

of pornography.



No, no, no!

Come on, man.



So uncool.






Uncool is trying

to give an honest man

a big box of porn, Andy.




For the last time,

I don't want to watch...



School of Cock with you.



  [Hello playing]



It's nothing official.



Just a little token

of my appreciation.



[Tape forwarding]



[Woman moaning]






Hi, Andy.

I'm gonna talk dirty to you.



I want to have

lots of sexy sex with you.



I want to touch

your big, fat noodle...



'cause I want to have

naughty intercourse with you.



I want you to put

your penis on,

I mean, in me, Andy.



I want to do lots of,

lots of sexy...



hot things with you. Shit.



This really isn't working,


I don't know what to say...



because I am you.







Okay. New tape.



Nothing is ever good enough

and it's always our fault.



Hey, you can't speak

to your mother like that.



You do.

She's not my mother.



[Traffic humming]



I heard Dave gave you

the box of porn.



Yeah, he did.



You ever watch, like,

Primetime Live...



when they take a black light

into a hotel room...



and show you all the semen

all over the bedspread?






You blind someone

with that box.



Could see that thing

from space.



This right here,

you looking at

the Bentley of big screen TVs.



I'm talking about,

this is the Rolls-Royce

of big screen...







I think these butterflies

are in here.



I think he might be

fooling us all, though.






I actually think he might be,

like, some genius...



and this is like

some big, like, hilarious...



Like he's bored at work

and he just wanted to

kick up some shit...



so he told us all

he's a virgin.



You're seeing that

a lot of stuff

that's not there.



You're just projecting

all over him.



He might be an idiot savant...



but he's not, like,

clever enough to go that deep.



But he's got a great body.



Would you fuck him?

In a New York minute.



You would fuck him?




Hey, Andy, what are you doing

for lunch?



I don't know.

I have a turkey sandwich.



We're gonna go around

the corner. I think you should

come with us.



There's this great place.

A lot of cute girls.



I don't know. Okay.



We brought you a shirt.



This place is pretty fancy.



Something going on?



Hey, who's ready

to have some fun?



[People cheering]



Hey, guys...



No, don't ignore me.

I know what this is.



Within one hour,

you'll each have    dates.




Please don't do this.

I saw this on Primetime Live.



All right, ninja master.



We've given you all the advice

we have to give.



Now you gonna put it

in action.



Advice? You guys all

gave me different advice.



He thinks you're a pothead.

I am.



Dude. Hey, partner.

What are you whining about?



You asked for this shit.

No, I didn't.



Will you just quit whining

like a bitch?



I'm not whining like a bitch.

You are whining like a bitch.



And you about to cram

like    years of pimpage

into one day.



I don't want to cram pimpage.

And after that...



you on my level. Come on.




Just ask questions.

This is a bad idea.






[People chattering]





Hi. How are you?



I'm fine.



Are you fine?






You're fine then?



Are you fucking retarded?

What the hell's

the matter with you?



Do you want me to be

fucking retarded?



[Buzzer sounding]



When I look into

the eyes of the children

and the parents...



and they are smiling

and saying:



"Thank you, Dr. Montalban,

you saved my child"...



it was worth it.



[Buzzer sounding]






what are you doing here?




And you are Gina?




Hey, what's up?




Look, I'm going to be

real honest with you.



It's been a long time

since I've been with a man.



Spent a lot of time

with the ladies.



Looking to get back up

on that pogo stick.



You know what I'm saying?

Excuse me.



Remember that time

when we made love

and you cried in my arms?



Please don't reminisce about

the times we fucked, please.



It's so creepy.

Let's go to Paris.



I want to take you

underneath the Eiffel Tower

and make love to you.



Cut it out.

Cut what out?



This go to Paris!

We've been broken up

for like two years, man.



I don't want to

date you anymore.



You're a whore.

I am not a whore.



I just didn't like you.



This is so us.









Psycho talk.




You're a good-looking man.

Thank you.



Very pretty.

Real soft, delicate features.



You're real feminine,

you know,

which is good for me...



because that would be

a simple sort of transition.



You know what I'm saying?



Maybe throw a little rouge

on you, tuck your sac back.



You game?




[Buzzer sounding]



You need to stop

fucking around

with my friend, okay?



Because you're giving

him hope, and it's driving

the man crazy.



I moved,

I changed my e-mail address,

my phone number.



He's practically

stalking me.



Well, I didn't know all that.

So, I'm sorry.



[Buzzer sounding]



I love Minnesota.




I grew up in a town

outside of Minneapolis...



with a population of, like,

    people. Really small.



Yeah, it's like

the Land of a Thousand Lakes.



What about you?

You're used to, like,

a really big city.



Really... God, yes.



The town that I grew up in

was really small. I mean...



you know, it was just so safe.

There was no crime.



I mean, a girl could just walk

from one end of town

to the other...



and just, you know,

feel completely safe.






[Buzzer sounding]




You suppose he's had enough?



Spank bank has

once again been filled.




I'll tell you

who's the hottest.



You're gonna think I'm crazy.

Let me tell you. Gina.



Can't get va-Gina

out of my head.

Va-Gina all week.



You know what's a fun game?




You take three

Excedrin PMs...



and you see

if you could whack off

before you fall asleep.






You always win

is the best part

about the game.




Are you Andy?




Is this yours?

Did you write this stuff?



My girlfriend, Jill,

found your

speed-dating card.



Yeah, right.



God, I've been looking

for that speed-dating card.



Thank you so much

for bringing it to me.



So, you actually wrote

that one girl looked like...



she was

"hurting for a squirting"?



Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Hurting for a squirting,

I wrote that.



So you wrote

"ho fo show."



Yeah, I remember that girl.

She was a ho.



Fo show.



Let me show you

how this device works.



Right, I'm just looking

for a cordless phone.



Yup, it's great.

You can do anything,

make video diaries...



Hey, Amy, how's it going?

How you feeling? I'm great.



I feel fantastic

since we broke up.



I feel awesome!



Can you just show me

the department where there

would be phones?



How have you been?

What's been going on...



I bet... Hey, have you been

doing a lot of this?



Sir, please, sir.



You are never gonna

meet anybody...



with that kind of mentality

about women,

you sick son of a bitch.



Who the fuck are you

to put me on trial?



I've never even met you.



So why don't you

back the shit off, all right?



And stop with the inquisition.



That's how you talk?



You know what,

I don't have to answer to you.



You ain't my bitch.



Know what I saying?



So, shit, man. Fuck it.



You shouldn't even be

hanging out with this pervert.



I don't hang out with him.

I work with him and that's it.



I tried to introduce him

to a few nice people...



he made a fool of himself.



I don't mess with him, baby.

That's not me.



You should keep your ho

on a leash.



Bro, I can't let you...




I can't let you be talking

to my woman like that, dawg.



Know what I'm saying?

Bitch is running wild, man.



You miss that ass?

That's the ass of a free man.



That ass is going out tonight,

maybe to a club.



Maybe to a night club.



Hey, Andy...



take a look at your pal.

Oh, my God.



Yeah, he's performing

a public colonoscopy.



Isn't that sweet?



I'm gonna send

David home for the day...



and you're gonna

fill in for him.



What? Selling things?

You got that right.



I don't think

that's a good idea.



And you're gonna have to

talk to people, too.



I know that's a frightening

concept to you...



but I think you can handle it.



So get out there

and start selling some shit.



...thing for Amy.



Hold it.

Check it out.




I miss her.



  [music playing]



Dude, the floor's

the ultimate aphrodisiac.



All you got to do

is go make your pick now.



Come on, man.




And you could act

a little enthused about it.







That's right. That's right.

Gazelle in the pink top.




Oh, shit.





Looks like you're

checking out digital cameras.



You know what, he ain't going

to do it willingly.



No. We need to, like,

really facilitate things

a bit more.



Yo, Andy.





What's up, dude?

This is Jay, man.



Hey, Jay.



I am throwing a party tonight.



It's gonna be real mellow,

just chilled up.



Now, you really

need to be there.



It's gonna be

really, really colorful.



Are you free?



Yeah, I think so.



That was a joke, man.

I know you're free.



I'm okay.

Gotta go, man.



All right, bye.



So, tell me, Montel...



why weren't we invited

to the party?

What are we, Al-Qaeda?



No, hold up.



No, no.

It's not that kind of party,




You're not coming

to our fucking party either,




Fuck you, okay?



First of all,

it ain't that kind of party.



Go fuck a goat.




Why you always telling me

to fuck a goat, man?




Fuck a goat!



[Elevator bell dings]



  [music playing on stereo]



[Knocking on door]












Hello. Hi.



Are you here for Jay's party?




I am Jay's party.



You know what, hiring

a transvestite prostitute

isn't helping me, man.



What? Ain't nobody hired

no damn transvestite.



What are you talking about?



She was really nice,




If that sister

was a transvestite...



that was the Mona Lisa

of transvestites.



You got a hummer

from the tranny, didn't you?



You know, aren't we owed

one now? 'Cause technically

we paid her.



Get a dick, man.



Do you guys even like me?



Or is this some sort

of cruel joke

that you're all in on?



Because I'm not a freak.

I'm a good person.



I always thought

that Matt Damon was

like a Streisand, but...



I think that he's rocking

the shit in this one.



Shut up, Dave!



Hold up. Let's just chill

on the aggression

for a minute.



Look at him.

He is such a bad ass.



He looks

just like Luke Wilson.






So you saying

she was definitely a man?






Okay, well, how do you know

that she was a man?



Because her hands were

as big as André the Giant's.



And she had an Adam's apple

as big as her balls.



So you have no proof.



You know what?

Just leave me alone.



Just stay away from me.

Or I'm gonna tell Paula...



that you're all stealing

the recordable CDs.



Come on.

That's like we were

paid to do it.



We did this

'cause we're your friends...



and we didn't think you have

the balls to do it yourself.








Okay, watch this.



Yo, Andy,

it's just CDs, man.



That's a third strike

for me, dawg.



[Brakes screech]



[Man shouting]






[Bells chiming]






Andy. Hi.

Right, yeah.



You remember my name.

I did.



How you doing?

I'm great.

I like your store.



That's good, yeah.

If you have time,

look around. It's...






How's business been?



You know, it's coming along.

I mean, it takes a while.



Do you want to

go out sometime?




Yes, I would like that.

That would be great.



I think I'm maybe free

this weekend,

if that's okay.



Or you could call me tomorrow

and we can just firm it up.



Okay. Great.




Okay, so I'll call you,

and yeah, that'll be good.



How you doing?




Okay, so I'll... Yeah.



Can I help you?



Yeah, these are wonderful.

I'll take these.



Thanks, they are.

They're great. The goldfish

just crack me up.






Yeah, they are.





They're cute.



I don't actually

sell anything here.

I just sell them on eBay.



I don't get it.






Can you help me?

No, you're on your own here.



Good luck to you, and to you.

And I'll give you a call.



Great. Nice to see you.

Great. Thanks for coming in.






So, I guess I'll just

give you some money...



and you can give me

these shoes and...



You know,

I know it seems so strange...



Yes. I'd just rather buy them

from you straight up.



Yeah, I know.

I wish it could be

that easy, but...



I wish, too,

but you're making it

extremely difficult for me.



I'm just trying

to get these shoes

back to my house...



so I can wear them.




I got a corpse in my way.




Look out. Just kill it.



That's just so not fair

that you have blades and...



I'm telling you, man,

I feel great.



I'm so...

It's like a weight

has been lifted.



Celibacy is the

way to go, man.

Andy had it right, you know?



Look at him.

He looks younger

than all of us...



but he's    years older.



Why? Because he's never had

a relationship.



No she-devil sucked

his life force out yet.



[Telephone ringing]




Hey. Hi. Hello.



Is this Trish?



Who's calling, please?

This is Andy.



Hi, Andy.

Hi, how you doing?



I'm good. How're you doing?

I'm doing great.




So you're gay, now?



No, I'm not gay.

I'm just celibate.



I think...

I mean, that sounds gay.



I just want you to know

that this is the

first conversation...



of three conversations

that leads to you being gay.



There's this

and then in a year

it's like, "You know...



"I'm kind of going to wanna

get back out there,

but I think I like guys."



And then there's the big,

"I'm a gay guy now."



You're gay for saying that.

I'm gay for saying that?



You know how I know

you're gay?

How? How do you know I'm gay?



'Cause you macraméd yourself

a pair of jean shorts.



You know how I know

you're gay?



You just told me

you're not sleeping

with women anymore.



You know how I know

you're gay?




'Cause you're gay

and you can tell

who other gay people are?



Do you know how I know

you're gay?




You like Coldplay.



You're dead.



[Both groaning]



Come on.



Leave my torso alone

at least.



I also wanted to call...



and see what night

you might want to go out.



I'm actually free tonight.



Okay. Now, I was thinking

maybe this weekend,

but that's good. Okay.







Okay, what time

do you want to pick me up?



Let's see.



That's actually

kind of a problem

because I ride a bike.



That's cool.

Are you kidding me?



I love getting on the back

of a motorcycle.



My boyfriend in college

drove a motorcycle.



So, I mean, I'm cool.



Yeah, I bet that was cool.

I ride a bicycle.



You know how I know

that you're gay?






You like the movie

Maid in Manhattan.



You know how I know

you're gay?




I saw you make a spinach dip

in a loaf of

sourdough bread once.



You know how I know

you're gay?




You have a rainbow

bumper sticker on your car

that says:



"I love it

when balls are in my face."



That's gay?



God damn it!



I'm ripping your head off

right now. It's off.



And now I'm throwing it

at your body.



Fuck you!



You guys...



she's picking me up

in an hour.



Oh, drag, dude.



She's picking you up

from here?




That's fucked up, man.







Seriously. I mean,

look at this place, man.



You gotta see this through

the eyes of a woman,

you know?



What is she going to think

when she comes in here? Look.



He's got a billion toys.

So what?



And more video games

than a teenaged Asian kid.



It's all right.



Is that the

Six Million Dollar Man's boss?



It's Oscar Goldman.



Why do you have that?

That's worth a lot of money.



That's much more valuable

than Steve Austin.



Well, that may be the case.

But none of this shit

is sexy, okay?



I'm not

trying to be sexy, man.



I mean, seriously, Asia?



You framed an Asia poster?



How hard did the people

at the frame store laugh...



when you brought this in?

They did not laugh at me.



Know why you're gay?

Because you like Asia.



You guys cool it

with the gay.



You know, she's on her way

over here, okay?



First, you relax, okay?



Just stop calming me down

and tell me what I should do.



Okay, we just take everything

that's embarrassing...



and we move it out of here.



So it doesn't look like

you live in Neverland Ranch.




Hi. How are you?






So, you wanna head out?



Did you just

move in or something?



No. Actually I'm getting

new carpet in.



I'm having carpet

put in tomorrow, so...



Well, you know.





Looks good with the floors.




All right.



I should tear up

the hard wood...



and see if there's

carpet underneath.



That's never the case.



This is gonna be fun.




You know,

I drive by this place

every day.



I've never been in




I'm glad you came.



You know,

I never really go out

with nice guys like you.



I think I've avoided nice guys

like you my whole life...



at my own peril.



My last boyfriend

drank a lot.






And so...

This is just punch.






No, it's okay.

A little bit's fine.



Buddha punch.

I need some Buddha.



Excuse me, miss.

Could you gather your team...



and sing happy birthday

for my daughter, please?



  [singing in Chinese]



[All cheering]



That was so good. What?

That was great.

Happy birthday.



It's your birthday, too?




It's his birthday, too.

No, no, no.



Could you sing for him

and bring him a cake?




Happy birthday.



  [singing in Chinese]






Thanks a lot.

Happy birthday, Andy.



You really like kissing,

don't you?







I really do.



Take off your pants,








Wow, this is

really gonna happen.

Oh, yeah.



Thank God.



Okay, I'm

taking off my pants.




Do you need some help?



I think I almost got them.

It's hooked on my ankle.



Wow, that's...






Hey, wait.

Do you have protection?



I don't like guns.






That's funny.



I have condoms

right here. Okay?




There's, you know...



Check the expiration date

because they were from

when I was married.



And we didn't have

sex that often. That's why

there are so many, okay?






I got them.



How does this go?



Okay. "Roll over the tip

and down onto the base."



Over the balls?



It doesn't say.



Do you mind

if I use your magnum?






Wow. You got to be kidding.



I am Aquaman.



What is that?









[Condom bursts]









[Marla exclaiming]



What's going on here?



Who the hell are you?

It's Andy.



Hi, I'm Andy.



God! What are you doing?



Marla, get the fuck

out of my room!



You know what...



I cannot believe

that you're allowed

to have sex when I'm not!



That is so unfair.

I'm gonna head out.




You should go.



Oh, Jesus!

How many times

did you just do it?



Oh, my God!






I'm so sorry.



Dude, teach me.







Hi, yes, I'm calling

because it's more than

four hours...



and your ad said to call

if it's been more than

four hours.



How much of the medicine

have you taken, sir?



I haven't taken any,

but your ad said...



that if you've had

an erection for more than

four hours, you call.



You're only supposed to call

if you've taken the medicine.



Okay. I'm sorry.

I must not have

heard that part.



Yes. If you haven't taken

the medicine, you don't call.



Right. I'm sorry. Right.



So, there's nothing

you can do?



I just don't wanna...

There's nothing I can do.



I'm in Bombay, India.



Okay. No, not you personally.

I just don't want...



I just don't want

to have an erection anymore.






You know,

you could have sex.



Okay. Yup.



That's one thing people do

when they have an erection.



Yeah, that's not an option.

I don't have sex.



Okay, well,

then you can masturbate.



I'd rather not masturbate.



If you'd like the erection

to go away,

you can light a match...



blow out the flame

and put the hot ember

on your wrist.



And that will focus

the brain elsewhere...



and you will lose

your erection.

Really? That'd work?



Take your finger

and flick your testicle...



and if you do that

till it hurts...



your erection will go away.

Okay, all right.



It sounds unpleasant

and it is.



It is a trick we use

in India.



Okay, those are all

good pieces of advice.

I really appreciate it.



We appreciate your business.



Oh, no.

We didn't get your business...



No, not this time.

I guess I didn't need you

this time. Thank you.















My goodness, Andy,

you are a terrific salesman.



Thank you.

Gosh, you really got it down.




And your numbers are good.






I'm going to put you out

on the floor full time.







Wow. Okay.



Good. We're gonna get you

a blue shirt and tie,

all right?



Great. Thanks.



You know, Andy,

I've been thinking

about your problem.



I think I might have

a solution for you.



You ever heard of the term

"fuck buddy"?






It's a special friend...



who you fuck.



No, haven't heard that term.



When I was a little girl,

I developed early.



By the time I was   

I had this body

you're looking at.



Can you imagine that?

I don't want to, no.



Well, needless to say,

a lot of male attention.



Like men, yes.



Especially from our

Guatemalan gardener, Javier.






You know, Javier...



before he made

passionate yet gentle love

to me for the first time...



he serenaded me with

a beautiful old Guatemalan

love song.



Really, that's...



That sounds nice.



  [singing in Spanish]






My goodness.



I think we better

get back to work.




Yeah, I better go

back to work.




So, okay.

All right.



So, you mull it over

and I'll talk to you soon.



All right, I will.

Thank you.







What's up, dawg?

What happened?

How was the date with Trish?



It was a disaster.




Yes. I've never been

more embarrassed in my life.



Couldn't get the

condoms to work.



And one of them

exploded on my balls.



And then her kid

walked in the room.



Wait. Hold up.



She was hiding the kid

from you, dawg?



You know what,

it doesn't matter...



because it was going downhill

straight from there.



Listen, you don't want

no baby-daddy drama.



Trust me on this one,

all right?



For all you know,

he in prison right now.



Let's say y'all

living together.



Next thing you know,

you the one going on the

 st and the   th...



to pick up the

government check.



What if he got boys

that's on the outside...



and they stalking you?



You see what I'm saying?

You got to think, partner...



What the fuck

are you talking about?



Here's what you do.

You tell her you're a virgin.



You test her

with this shit, okay?



Here, tell me. Tell me.

This is how it's gonna go.

Tell me.



I'm a virgin.




I like that because

you don't have chlamydia.



And I know that,

and that shit is everywhere.



What if she

laughs at me, though?



Then you punch her

in the fucking head

if she laughs.



I'm not going to

punch her in the head.

She's really sweet.



No. I mean, you punch her

in her fucking head




She's different. She's someone

I felt like I had...



a connection with.



All you trying to do right now

is bust off this first night.



You got a whole lot of semen

back up in you.



I am going to tell her.



You should totally

tell her, man.

I'm going to.



'Cause I watched this movie

called Liar Liar...



and the message was,

"Don't lie."



And that was a smart movie.



Yeah, that's the right thing.




Really? All your girlfriends

wanted to have sex

with virgins, too?



That's funny. I didn't

even know you girls

talked like that.



I think my first time

might be your best time, too.



Well, I knew it.

You know what...



I knew that you'd

react that way

and I knew that...



you would want

to lead me through

my first sexual encounter...



with all the compassion

and care that someone...



would give to their soul mate.



Oh, my God. I'm in trouble.



Hey, Andy.




You watching Survivor tonight?



No, actually

I'm going out to dinner

with somebody.







This is her.



Trish, this is

Joe and Sara.




Hi, Trish.




But tape it for me,




Will do. All right.





So long.





See you later.

Have a good night.



Yeah, my man's gonna

get it on tonight.



Yes, sir.



Yeah, and you better

get on me, too.



What is wrong

with this woman?



Mercy, mercy, mercy.



I'm so sorry that happened

the other night.



No, I'm sorry.



Oh, my God.

That was me.






Let me...

I have something

I want to tell you.



Kind of hard to talk about.






you know,

there are certain things...



about who I am that...



I'm sorry.

I just have to get this

off my chest.



I am so sorry,

I didn't tell you I had kids.



Yeah, what was that about?



Gosh. You know,

that really surprised me.



No, you should have

told me probably, but...



I'm sorry. I know.



What do I care

if you have a kid?



Well, I have two kids.



Wow. Okay.

How old are they?















Fifty-six. How many kids

do you have?



I have three.

Okay, three.




and one of them

has a kid.



A one-year-old.



That's cool. That's great.



I'm really glad

we're doing this.

Me, too.



Listen, Andy...



I don't want to send you

running for the hills

or anything, but...



I really feel like

if we decide to

do this again, then...



maybe we should hold off

on the physical part

for a while.



That is a fantastic idea.



Why didn't I think of that?







No sex?

No. Why do that?



Because here's the thing.



From personal experience...



I found that

sex can really

complicate things.



And what we should be

doing right now is

getting to know each other.






Well, I never thought

you'd go for it.



I'm going for it.



Well, that just

is a great, great notion.



Are you serious?



Look at my face.

Look at how serious I am.



Can you see my nostrils?




That's serious.



That's more angry.



Yeah, you know what,

most guys would be saying:



"Yeah," right now, but, like,

by the third date,

it would be:



"Hey, baby, I really need to

physically express

how I feel"...



and all that stuff.

Well, hey, baby...



you know, three dates...

Make it       dates.



How about   ?



Fifteen. Screw your   .




Okay,    dates.

Twenty dates.




This is genius.



It's gonna hurt.



Not as much as you think.



We can really get to know

each other this way.






This is one, right?

No, next one.



[Door opening]



[Clearing throat]



Is it safe to come in,

or are you guys doing it?



Honey, it's safe.







Well, good timing.





You remember Marla.



Hi, we met.

And this is

my little bunny rabbit.







This is Andy.

Julia, how you doing?



You know what,

do you by any chance

like magic?




I thought that you might.



Because I noticed

on the way in...



that you had something shiny

behind your ear.



Marla, did you see that?

Something behind her ear?



You think you do?

Could I check?



Do you mind if I check

behind your ear?



Big money!






That's amazing.

Wow, it is amazing.



There's something else, too,

behind your ear, I think.



No, actually it's not

behind your ear.

I think it is your ear.






It is your ear.

There is your ear.



I ripped it off.




Yeah, that's...



All right. Wait.

Okay, but that means

that you...



walk around with a rubber ear

in your pocket all day?



Yeah, like half the time.



You know, I can come

to your high school...



and do it for your friends

if you want.



You know what,

I should head out.







I have to give you

a ride home.



Right. Yes, you do.



Yeah, 'cause you don't have

a car or anything, right?



Right, I don't have a car.



'Cause he doesn't have a car,

and he does magic.






And sarcasm is like

a second language to me.



So, I'm right there with you.






But, Dad...



I don't know how to love.



You never...



taught me how...








Hey, Cal.




I just got back from a date.



Did you tell her

you're a virgin?



No. I haven't gotten

to that yet.




Are you having sex right now?



No. She was incredible.



She was amazing.

She didn't pressure me.



And she has three kids.



And one of her kids

has a kid.






You all right?



Did you just say she has

three kids, one of whom

has a kid?




So, so, she's a grandma?






I'm not a doctor

or anything like that...



but she's a fucking grandma.



Yeah, whatever, you know.



She's the hottest grandma

I ever saw.



Yeah, she is.

She's a hot grandma.



That's a good-looking grandma.

My grandma looks like

Jack Palance.



Well, she's no Jack Palance.



No. If Jack Palance

looked like that lady...



I would want to

fuck Jack Palance right now.



Yeah, me, too.



She's a hot grandma.



Heck, yeah.

No, do a grandma, man.



You should fuck her

on her plastic-covered couch.



Fuck her while she watches

Murder, She Wrote.



She would probably find that

very erotic.



Yeah, whatever, you know.



Fuck her and then have her

send you a check

for $   on your birthday.



I'm the dude

with the hot granny.




What did you want to

talk to me about?



Well, Andy,

the numbers just came in...



and you are by far

our best salesman.



So, I am promoting you

to floor manager.



This is the bullshit

of all bullshits!



You scumbag! Ass kisser!



Thank you. That's great.



I understand

you have a girlfriend.

Yeah, kind of seeing somebody.



I'm very happy for you.

Thanks. She's great.



Are you still a virgin?



You know, I don't really...



talk about my personal life.

You're a virgin.



Yes, I am.




My door is always open.



So to speak.




Great. Thank you.



I'm very discreet.



But I'll haunt your dreams.













So who's gonna take my job?

Cal will be

taking over your job.



And he's interviewing people

right now...



for his old job.



So, have you ever worked

with electronics before?







But I have electronics

in my home.



Perfect. That's the job

pretty much.

You're very well-qualified.



More than these other losers.






I could do that...

Wait, last thing.



I'm also gonna need that

extended warranty on it...



for the price of

"on the house."



That I can't do.



Hey, don't be a Negro.

Be my nigger. All right?

Help me out.



Hold up.

I ain't nobody's nigger.



I mean, you're somebody's nigger

wearing this nigger tie.



Now you being condescending.



See, you've been warned,

all right?

Just move forward amicably.



Okay. Well, check this out.



First of all, you're throwing

too many big words at me.



Okay, now because

I don't understand them...



I'm gonna take them

as disrespect.



Watch your mouth,

and help me with the sale.



Okay, see,

now you found yourself

a nigger.



You were looking for a nigger?

Nigger here now. See?



Today's forecast:

Dark and cloudy,

and chance of drive-by.



You want to go?

I suggest you move back.



Then, nig, fire on.



What are we gonna do?



What are you gonna do,

Mr. Floor Manager?



Go, get them, tiger.



This shit just got rigged.



What are you gonna do, bitch?

I'll tell you what.



You know Luca Perry

from   th and   th?



You ever heard of,

Rolling   s, nigger?



Since I was    nigger,

I'm saying "frosty."



You know what I'm saying,

"spoon", nigger.



We fucked dwarfs in the ass.



Nigger, this dwarf here

don't got to be tall...



to pull the trigger off

in somebody face!



Come on nigger, back up.

What's up?




Welcome to Smart Tech.



Is this your boy?

What can I help you with?



Yeah, nigger,

we will both mash you!



How can we help you, sir?

Nigger, what?



No, he don't need no help.

He's already been served.



I served him. He's taken

care of. He's a little slow,

but he got it.



See, what he thought was

he can come up in here

and make the rules.



But now he see that

Jay make the moves

at Smart Tech...



that I run this, bitch

and now he bought the bounce.



This your boy?



Yeah, that's my boy.

We represent Smart Tech.



You just got

fucked up with him.



Both y'all niggers going

get clapped up

when I get back.



Both of you all niggers.



What did I do?

It don't fucking matter!



Yeah, aim high, Willis.

Aim high!



Please don't do this.



Jay, what's going on?



Jill broke up with me.



I'm so sorry.

What happened?



I came home a little tipsy.



And I had one of my condoms

on still.



Woke up the next morning

and jumped in the shower

with her.



I don't know

what I was thinking.



Why did you cheat on her?



Because I'm insecure!

You can't tell?



I know, man.

It's gonna be okay.



I'm cold.

It's gonna be all right, man.



Seriously, man, I'm sorry.



I apologize to you. I know.



If you wanna have

a meaningful relationship...



you've got to leave the sex

out of it, man. You're right.



It's all right. You're good.



I'm sorry. Come here.

I love you, man.



Man, I love you, too.



You're a good guy.



Do you know how I know

you guys are gay?



You're holding each other

ever so gently.
















At least he can cook, Mom.



  [Believe It Or Not

(The Greatest American Hero

theme) playing]



I love... Spiderman.






Pull out slowly

and go straight ahead.












I'm all right.



Nobody's there.




I want to know

everything about you.



I want to tell you.



You do?




Like, what do you want to do?

What are your dreams?



You don't wanna work

at Smart Tech

for the rest of your life.



I've been working there

for a long time.



And I've been thinking lately

that maybe I should

open my own store.







What kind of store?

Well, like a stereo store.



Oh, my God, that is...

Why don't you do that?



I don't have enough money

to do that.



What about those collectibles?



I bet if you sold those,

you could make a lot of money.



I just sold a guy's G. I. Joe

for $    .




Do you have any of those?




You do?



I have    of them.



No, you don't.



Yeah, in their

original boxes.

You do?



I could help you

sell them on eBay.



I would not take a commission,

I swear to God.



You could do it.

You could totally pull it off.



Yeah, let's do it.

Let's do it.









Clothes on.



I'll send you off to...



a farm with lots of land.



So, you and other Aquamen

can run around...



and play in the Aquafields.



Godspeed, Col. Steve Austin.



You don't wanna go, do you?

Okay, you can stay.



Steve Austin can stay.



Hey, Cal. David.



Way to sell a big TV.



She likes you, man.



Too bad I retired my penis.



Mooj, we try to be fair with

the schedule but it's hard.



Okay, but why every

damn schedule comes up,

I get most early shift?



It's bullshit.

Nobody buys stereo

at   :   in the morning.



No, I understand.



People buy stereo

between  :   and  :  .






Rich men get off work,

then buy stereo.




Not after fucking brunch.




Here's what we're gonna do.



I'm going to give you

a couple of Jay's shifts.



And then I'll give you

a couple of mine

and that way...



we'll all be equal, okay.

Thank you, Andy.



It's okay.



You're a good man, Andy.



By the way,

what date are you on, now?



I think it's around   .



It's hard to tell what

actually constitutes a date,




Three to go. So that means

you're gonna have

sex in three days.



Maybe, I might try

to space them out

a little bit.



I'll pray for your cock.

Okay, thanks.



Thanks. Thank you.

Have a good cocky.



Trish is on the phone.

Here is a shock.



Girlfriend with a problem.





I have done everything

but sex!



I'm a woman, okay?

Deal with it!



I'm gonna start

taking you back to church.



We are gonna start

going to church.





You know what?



What the hell

are you talking about?



Oh, my God,

I cannot believe this.

Thank God you're here.



Jesus Christ.

Marla locked herself

in the bathroom.



What happened?



She wants to go

to the family health clinic.



She wants birth control.

But she's too young.



I want to have sex

with my boyfriend!

But I can't, Mom!



So, you want me

to take her?



No, I don't want you

to take her.

Okay, all right.



I want her to keep it

in her pants

until she gets to college.



Whoa, whoa, whoa!



"Keep it in my pants"?



Okay, you didn't keep it

in your pants, Mom.



I know. I don't want you

to make the same mistakes

as me, Marla.



Mistakes? Okay,

so I was a mistake then.



No, you're not a mistake.

Your sister was the mistake.



Oh, my God!



Her older sister, I mean,

she wasn't planned,

you know what I mean?



Because I was such a...

Oh, God, you wanna run away,

don't you?






You and your boyfriend

have sex all the time!



Oh, my God!

Are you kidding?



We never have sex.

Do we ever have sex?



No, we don't.



What? Yes, you do!



You're such a liar!

Why do you lie to me?






[Door slamming]






I didn't hear anything

after "a liar."



What did she say

after "a liar"?

She sounds like a tea kettle.



Fuck you!






Maybe I should take her.

No, I don't think so.



You know, a little information

never hurt anybody.









Where do you put the penis?



Oh, shit.



It is...



not a Rubik's Cube.






God, how much longer

are they gonna make us wait?




I don't know. They should be

out in a second.



Now, you're all here...



because you're interested

in obtaining birth control.



Any questions?



Here's a cute story.

I came home the other day...



and he is with his girlfriend

in my marital bed...



doing things that are illegal

in Alabama.



Sex acts, right?

Things that my wife won't do,




Did you have a question?

How do I get my wife

to do that?



Does anybody else

have a question?



My daughter is,

for lack of a better word...






How do I stop

her menstrual cycle?



You want her to stop

having a menstrual cycle?



I want to stop it,

maybe just for a few years.



Yeah, I don't think

that's a good idea.



Does anybody else

have a question?

I have a question.



I think some of the people

here might be

sexually inexperienced.



Is it true that if you

don't use it, you lose it?



Is that a serious question?



No. It wasn't.





Now, there are a lot

of activities that you can

engage in...



without having sex

that are both fun and safe.



What sort of activities?

I think...



everybody wants to know

about the activities.




instead of having intercourse,

you could have outer-course.




What's that?



Yeah, what is that?



Outer-course is anything

that isn't vaginal




I prefer

vaginal intercourse.






He really does.



Now, there are ways

of having sex

without intercourse.



Let's see, there are things

like body rubbing

or dry humping.



You could dry hump.



There is masturbation.


Play with yourself.



Mutual masturbation.

Play with a friend.



Deep kissing.

There is erotic massage.



That sounds like

it would be nice.



Oral sex play.

Sounds like my Friday night.



Shut up, Seth.

We went to temple.




are there any virgins here...



who are thinking about

having sex for the first time?






Wait. So you're

a virgin?






I'd tap that.

Oh, yeah, you'd "tap that"?



Seth, what, you think

you're cool

with your little Jew fro?



We don't say, "tap that."

What are you talking about,




You know what,

I'm a virgin, too.



[People laughing]






We're virgins, too.




No, you know what,

it's a personal choice...



and I don't think

it's weird at all.



You know what

your problem is?



You're putting the pussy

on a pedestal.



That's the second time

I've heard that.



What is the

"pussy on a pedestal" thing?



Okay, I can't listen

to anymore of this,

'cause it's making me sick.



So, bye.



You can get this information

on your website, right?






Nice meeting everybody.



Any other questions?



Do you have any

extra-large condoms?



Seth, you got

a tiny penis.






So, I made that all up

to help you out.



No, you didn't.



But thank you

for doing that.



How can you tell?



Well, you know, I go to school

with, like,     guys...



who are all trying

to have sex.



And, yeah,

so I can tell who's done it.



Of course.



And you really haven't?

No, I really haven't.



Please don't tell your mom,




Yeah, I won't.




But when are you

gonna tell her?



Believe me,

I'm working on it.



I am working on it.



Do you have any weed?




You do have some.



Can spare any

or is it all spoken for?



I mean, like what

are we talking? Are we...



Just enough to get me

baked for like a week.



That's a lot of weed.



Yeah, I am taking vacation

next week, so...



Where are you going?

I'm not going anywhere.



I'll stay in my apartment.

Just getting baked?



I want to be baked

the whole time.



Watch TV,

I'll probably re-watch Gandhi.



Gandhi baked is good.

Yes, isn't it?



I always feel bad

when I watch it baked...



'cause I get really hungry

and I'm eating a lot...



and poor Gandhi is...



fucking starving his ass off.

Starving, I know.



  [music playing on TV]



Sounds good.




I'm going to take her

to capacity.

Are you okay with that?



Give it a shot.



Freak! Oh, yeah!



Michael McDonald, man,

I haven't heard this in years.



Yeah, I haven't heard it

in like    minutes.



If I get the set,

will you throw in the DVD?



You don't get the set.

I'll throw in the DVD.



I'll take it.







Y'all want to see

something beautiful?

Come here.



You want to see the most

beautiful thing in the world?

Check this out.



This is my baby right here.

That's my baby's dick

right there.



Looks like a poltergeist.



That is his foot.



Look at his dick.

That's not even four months.



Extrapolate that.



By the time he's   

what's gonna happen?



Yo, Andy! Come check this out,




Is this the movie about babies

that are geniuses?



No, this is my child, dude.

Jill is pregnant.



That's yours?





That's why she broke up

with me in the first place...



'cause she just thought

that I wouldn't be

a good father...



in light of the fact that

I'd be cheating on her

all the time.



But she got over all that.

It's cool now.



Congratulations, man.

That is great.



We having

a party tonight, Andy...



and I really want you

to be there, man.



We celebrating and I

really, really want you

to be there.



It looks like

the Doppler radar.



Can you believe that?



This child

ain't even four months old.



He ain't four months old yet.

Look at what he's packing.



Everybody dick looks big

on   -inch TV.



My sister's dick looks big

on TV, okay?



Oh, my God,

this guy, Eric Gilliland...



he has bought, like,

   of these.




Yeah, I think he likes

action figures even more

than you.



That is impossible.

I think so.



Andy, the way these things

are flying off your shelf...



you know, I think you

could actually make like...



maybe like $      .





you could open your store.







That's a lot of money.

I know.



That's incredible.

I wouldn't have done it

without you.






And that's not the only

good news.




You know what tonight is?

Survivor is on?




I know.



Is it The Apprentice?









It's our   th date.












I think we're at   .



'Cause there were

a couple of dates there...



that don't really count

as dates.




I'll give you a free pass

on those other ones.



Thank you.











I really like you.



I think I'm falling for you.



I don't know. I kind of see

this going somewhere.



I do, too.



I just think we should just

go crazy on each other.







Oh, thank God!






Okay, I should...

I gotta pick those up.



Don't pick them up now.



No, I have to pick those up

right now.



Wait, we'll get them later.

Listen, no, I can't, no.



Listen, it's really important




once the integrity of the box

gets compromised...



This is original packaging

and that's why these things...



are so valuable.

So you don't screw with that.



You really don't screw

with that.

All right.



We can wrap them again later,

you know.



Yeah, I know.

But you know what...



this is very important

that we don't lose

the value...



and compromise

the integrity of it.



Andy, I'm throwing myself

at you and...



all you can think about

is a fucking toy.



They're not fucking toys!

This is Iron Man, okay?



I got this

when I was in second grade.



Do you know how hard it is

for a kid to not open that?



This is important.



These are my things...



and you are trying to make me

sell them and I don't want to.




And you're making me.



I'm not making...

You are encouraging me...



to quit my job.

I'm not! I'm not trying to...



You want me to open a store.

You want me

to sell everything.



You know what,

I'm gonna tell you something.



I don't just change like that.

I can't just change for you.



I don't... I'm not trying

to change you. I like you.



I'm just... I'm trying

to help you grow up, Andy.



Well, thanks a lot.



I mean, my God,

you ride a bicycle

to work in a stockroom.



You know what, I'm not

in the stockroom anymore.



I'm a floor manager.




And I ride a bike

because I like to.

Einstein rode a bike.



He had a wife who he fucked,

by the way.



What do I have to do

for you to have sex with me?



Do you want me to dress up

like Thor?

I'll dress up like Thor.



I'll dress up like Iron Man.



What do they do?

I'll do it.



What? Everything's always

about sex.



Why don't you want

to have sex with me?



Why not? Tell me.

You tell me the truth.



Is it because I have a kid

who has a kid? Is that why?



No, it's cool that

you're a grandmother.



I love the fact

that you're a grandmother.



Oh, God!

You are.

You're a hot grandma.



Oh, my God!



You are so mean! Get out!



Okay, fine. Good!

Good, fine. You're gonna go.



I didn't ask for any of this.

You asked for all of it, Andy.



Okay. Great.



[Door slamming]






That's the way

you want it...



that's the way

homie's gonna play it.



Yeah. Truth be told.



[Car horn blaring]



  [hip-hop music playing]



Baby, you better

enjoy yourself tonight...



'cause once this baby's born,

you ain't going out again...



till that baby is in college.







You the club rat. I'm not

the one that be going out.



I'm not a club rat.



You're gonna get up,

you march over there...



and I want you

to hit on Bernadette now.



Dude, I'm not gonna hit

on Bernadette.



Yes, you are, man...



'cause your depression

is boring me for one thing...



and it's actually making me

a little depressed...



which is then in turn

making me more depressed...



that you're actually

affecting my mood.




I'm not in any kind of place

to talk to a woman, all right?



I'm just... I'm fragile.



I hired her for you.



I hired a   -pound girl

to work in the stockroom

at Smart Tech...



for you, okay?



I should have hired

a    -pound guy...



who could lift

a   -inch flat screen.



But instead

I hired a hot girl...



who can't lift an iPod

to bring you out of your funk.



You hired her for me?




So will you go talk to her?



Yeah, I'm meeting somebody.






Did you just flick me

in the nuts?




Flicked you

in the fleshy patch

where your nuts used to be.






Quit flicking my balls, man.



Okay, I'll stop

flicking your balls.



But I'll start punching

your nuts.









Well played, sir.




Thank you.



No problem, man.

Go get 'em.



Mooj, you done

see my son...



you know his foot gonna be

bigger than this.



If that baby looks Pakistani,

don't fucking look at me,




I wouldn't mind.

You got good genes.

How old are you? What,    ?



When your son is born,

is he already in parole?



I need some poon.



You guys were so right,

right from the beginning.



I need

genital to genital connection

and that's all I need.



You know, the thing

about relationships

is that they...



make one person go...






And the other person go,

"What are you talking about?"



And then one person goes...






How much have you had

to drink, man?



How much have I had to drink?

How many pots have you smoken?



What are you

talking about?



How many times have you gone

to the bathroom in your life?



Let me ask you that.



You know what, you don't have

an answer for that, do you?



Fuck you, man! I'm sorry.



No, you're such a good guy,

and I appreciate you.



What's up, baby, I didn't know

you had came already.



Hey, motherfucker!



[Both laughing]



Man, you know what,

tonight is the night.



You know what, you were

totally right and I was wrong.



You were right all along.

You cannot have

a relationship...



with somebody until...



you have sex

and that's the long...



That's the long

and short of it.



So, thank you.

That's good.



And now I have to go hunt

for some hos.






He going to be all right?

No, I don't think he is.



Cal's a good guy.

Yeah, he's a great guy.



It's so funny, because,

you know...



when I first met him

and I thought you were

cute at the store...



he told me you were gay.

I'm not gay.



Cal says that I'm gay because

he has a real problem...



with his own gayness.



But seriously, I'm going

to lay it out for you,

right now.



I was a little reticent

to come over and talk to you.



You're very pretty

and you seem very nice.

The truth is...



I dated this woman,

let me rephrase that,

I dated this whore...



who stomped

all over my heart.



And it's just taking me

a little while to kind of...



you know,

get back in the game.



Oh, my God. Say no more.



My last boyfriend Sal junior,

is a scum bag.



I would totally pay people

to have him killed.



That's how much I fucking hate

that damn scum bag.



God, you're fucking awesome.

You too.



Hey, you!







How you doing?



Much better,

now that I'm talking to you.



Hey, lookie,

I can see through your shirt.






So, you think we should...



take this party

to my apartment or what?



I am RSVPing "yes."



Hope you have a big trunk

because I'm putting my bike

in it.



Yeah, let's go!



Mom, I left my phone somewhere

and I...



Thank you.



What's the matter?

Where is Andy?



We had a big fight, just...

Oh, Mom.



He just

stormed out of here.



What happened?



Well, I just...

Wait a minute,

I thought you hated him.



I don't hate him. I mean,

he does do magic, but...



you know, he's a big dork...



and I like seeing you happy.



I do.



That's sweet,

that's really sweet.




Why don't you just go

talk to him, work it out.



'Cause if the thing is

that important,

you can't just stop.



Let me dance for you.

I would love it.



  [music playing on stereo]



Look at your bra and

your breasts and everything.

That's so great.



Wow! You know what?

You're so hot. You're so hot.



I'm smoking hot.



You know what? I'm just going

to have sex with you.



Yes! Let's have sex.



It's going to happen.

That's why we are here.



That's totally what's going

to happen.



We could do it in the...



Butt, if you want to.



[Both laughing]



But, if I want to what?




But what? What?



Do it.

Do it?






I don't know

what you're talking about.











But, it still feels so right.












Yeah. Right! Okay. Yeah.



That was a fun day.



You are so kinky.



Yeah, I'm so kinky.



That's why I did this

because I thought it looks...



You like to shave, don't you?



Let's shave each other.

I don't think

you have any hair.



You know where to shave me.




Because I want to shave you.



I want to shave your head.



I wanna give you

a buzz cut.



Let's get in the bath.



In the bath?



Yes. We're gonna get dirty.

Dirty, dirty. Sudsy.



It's just about time

I got really dirty.






Hey. Hi, it's me,

and I'm on my way

to your house.



I want to do whatever

you want to do, okay?



Fifty dates.    .

I hope not, but whatever.



I'm gonna see you soon,

okay? Bye.






Wow. Okay, well,

that was fast. Okay.






Wow! Holy shit!



Wow. This is just

the right thing to happen.



Yeah, yeah, yeah! Wow!

Almost got my penis.



Come to mama.



I'm gonna really take care

of you tonight.



You're never

gonna forget Beth.



I just want to please you.



What do you like?



I don't know.

What do you like?



Can I show you what I like?







It's so hot in here.



I wanna introduce you

to my friend.



Your friend is so shiny.



This guy knows exactly

what I like.



Where's you friend going?



This is how I'm gonna

warm up for you.



That's always good to warm up.

You don't wanna

pull something.









Wow, this is graphic.






I can't do it.



God, what are you

doing here?



We came here because we were

concerned about you

and Trish...



and now I could not give

a fuck.



How did you even know

where she lives?



I hit it

like eight months back.




Never gave her back the key,

man. You have no idea...



where this is going,

all right?

That girl is a freak.




Oh, it's happening!

It's happening! Andy!



You think?



We've been talking,

and look...



if you love Trish,

you can't do this.



Look, you guys,

I don't know

what I'm doing anymore.



I don't even know who I am.

All I know is...



that woman

scares the shit out of me...



and I just wanna go home,




Let's go.

We should all get out of here.




We should all go.



It wasn't that good

for me.



We should totally

get out of here.



We should run away

from here.



[Beth moaning]






[Beth laughing]






[Car horns blaring]



Go around!



Come on,

just go around me!



Can't you hear me?



Hey, there. Hi, Trish.



Man, I'm really sorry

about tonight.



What's this?



Those are David's.



I think he has a problem.



These are David's?

He's into that.



David's Boner Jams '  ?



Yeah, it's so sad.



He compiled all the best

boner scenes, I guess.



This isn't what it looks like,




What does this look like?

A vagina.



And what do you do

with this vagina?



To learn.

It's for medicinal purposes.






Hey, I'm sorry. God...

What's this?



This your date drug?

Your roofie?



It's a Mentos.



They're "The Freshmaker."



Yeah, right.



What are you,

some kind of sex pervert?



Are you a deviant

or something?



No, I'm not a sexual deviant!

What is all this?



I haven't even tried

to have sex with you, so...



What are you trying to do?

What are you

buttering me up for?



Come on.



You're not gonna try

and kill me, are you?



Look, Trish.

You didn't get a new carpet.



I'm not trying to kill you.

I love you.



I love you.

Oh, God!






  [Heat Of The Moment playing]



Trish. No!



No. Trish, stop.



Come on, Trish!



I need to talk to you!






Damn it.









Oh, my God!



[Car horn blaring]



Andy! Oh, my God!



Call    .



Oh, my... Andy.



Oh, my God!



I'm gonna need a minute.

I'm in a lot of pain

right now.



Oh, my God.

Are you okay?



Not bad.



There were two sides

to that billboard.



And they both hurt equally.



Andy. Andy.






Are you okay?

I'm okay.



No, I'm not okay.



I'm a virgin.



A what?



I'm a virgin.

I always have been.



Andy, is that what

all this was about?



I'm sorry.



You're just a virgin,

that's all?




That's good.

That's a good thing.



I feel stupid.



It's okay. I thought

you were trying to kill me.






Oh, my God.



No, I'm not trying

to kill you.



That's why I never tried

to have sex with you.



I was scared, okay?

I just...



'Cause I didn't know

what I was doing.



I just didn't think

it would be good.



Of course it'll be good.

We love each other.






I love you.






[Car horn honking]



Get the fuck out of the road,




Shut up, you fucking jerk!



No, that's okay.

That's all right. Sorry.



You know what...



for so long I thought

that there was something

wrong with me...



because it had

never happened, but...



I realize now that it was

just because

I was waiting for you.



This was some wedding.

How could they afford it?



Dude sells his toys and makes

like a half a million dollars.



It's crazy, right?

That's fucking crazy.



We're gonna get

some fucking toys.



We are all so happy for you.



I am delighted

to say these words.






you may kiss the bride.



[People exclaiming]






And for God's sake,

consummate the thing.



No! Stop it.

I have the key.






I'm not gonna be done

buffing the marble...



for about a half an hour,




you can come in and sit down

if you want...



or wait in the lobby.

It's okay.



It's up to you.







get the fuck out of here.

















You're officially

not a virgin.









Wanna do it again?




Good. Okay.






That was good. That was okay.






You ready?




Are you ready?

Yeah, I'm fine, yeah.






So, how was that for you?



  When the moon  



  Is in the Seventh House  



  And Jupiter

aligns with Mars  



  Then peace will guide

the planets  



  And love

will steer the stars  



  This is the dawning

of the age of Aquarius  



  Age of Aquarius  









  Harmony and understanding  



  Sympathy and trust




  No more falsehoods

or derisions  



  Golden living dreams

of visions  



  Mystic crystal revelations  



  And the mind's true










  When the moon is

in the Seventh House  



  And Jupiter

aligns with Mars  



  Then peace will guide

the planets  



  And love

will steer the star  



  This is the dawning

of the age of Aquarius  



  The age of Aquarius  









  It's Aquarius, baby  



  We ain't talking about

no Scorpio  



  We ain't talking about no  



  No, we ain't talking

about no Scorpio  












  Let the sunshine  



  Let the sunshine in  



  The sunshine in  



  Let the sunshine  



  Let the sunshine in  



  The sunshine in  



  Let the sunshine  



  Let the sunshine in  



  The sunshine in  

  Let it shine, let it shine  



  Let the sunshine  



  Let it shine  



  Let it shine, yeah  



  The sunshine in  



  Let the sunshine  



  Let the sunshine in  



  The sunshine in   



  [Just Got Lucky playing]


Special help by SergeiK