50 First Dates Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the 50 First Dates script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore and Rob Schneider.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of 50 First Dates. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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50 First Dates Script



So tell me. How was Hawaii?



-It was unbelievable.

-Oh, yeah?



-Well, what happened?

-l met this guy.



It was the best week of my life.



It was just a little

vacation romance.



But he was so sweet.



He took me to all these

cool local places.



We went scuba diving....




-Mountain climbing.



We went cliff diving.



Well, we got a little drunk.



-He gave me....

-A back rub.



We slow danced....



--in the rain.



But it wasn't just about the sex.



He pounded me like a mallard duck.



It ended kind of weird, though.



When l asked for his number,

he said he's....







-Entering the priesthood.

-He doesn't believe in phones.



He just kind of ran away.



You know, it was just

a little fling, but....



l won't forget my week....



--with Henry Roth.



-Henry Roth.




Harry Paratesticles.



-Henry Roth.

-Henry Roth.



-Henry Roth.

-Henry Roth.



Henry Roth, why didn't you tell me

you were a secret agent?



l prefer intelligence operative,

and l couldn't tell you until l knew you.



Well, can l call you when l land?



You can call me, but l'll be in Peru.

l said that a little loud.



Come on, that's a     code blue.

We got the wolf sleeping at night.



He's slipping his arm in the drawer

and out comes the cookie jar. All clear.



Got it?



Well, maybe when you

get back from Peru.



-l don't think that's an option, Lisa.




l know. l changed your name

for your protection.



We have to go our separate ways now.



Well, goodbye.



Got it! Moving out!



-What the hell is your problem?

-Just keep going, l'll give you $  .



-You got it. How's your balls?

-Killing me. Hit it.



Easy, Honah Lee.



Hey, l'm a person, not a seal.



Well, l am a vet, not a doctor. So just

hold still, or l won't give you a treat.



l know, it's okay.

You see that, kids?



You see what happens

when you play with sharks?



Now, why you gotta spread those lies?

Sharks are like dogs.



They only bite when you

touch their private parts.



That's a good title

for my documentary.



Sharks: They Only Bite When

You Touch Their Private Parts.



Or you could call it,

Sharks: They Tried to Eat My Kidney.



All right, enough already.

You too, Willie.



All of you.



He just cast a spell on us.



All right. Put this on four times

a day for two weeks.



-You can handle that.

-What's wrong with that turtle?



Lung problems because

he smoked too much turtle weed...



...which is bad for you. Right, Ula?



What? l don't smoke weed.



Hey, Honah Lee? How's that hot

wahine nympho from Ohio?



Great. l dropped her off

at the airport this morning.



Come on, l need some details.



You get some booby, some assy,

a pull on your poi-poi? Come on.



Daddy, what's a nympho?



Oh. The nympho

is the state bird of Ohio.



You're the state idiot of Hawaii.



Here you go. Bite the fish,

chew the fish, love the fish. Enjoy.



-You crack me up, kamaaina.

-Oh, yeah?



-One of these days...




...you'll show one of those

tourists such a good time...



...she'll wanna stay on the island.



Why do you say

mean things like that...



...and why is your foot

on my pillow?



l don't want your ass on it, either.

Get up! Get up!



It could happen.



Then you won't be able to go

on your boat trip to Alaska.



You'll be stuck here, waking up next to

the same old, ugly broad, just like Ula.



-Just kidding, guys.

-About the old part or the ugly part?



Henry, come quickly!

It's Jocko!



Jocko! What's going on

with you, buddy?



Don't be scared.

Everything's gonna be fine.



Just stay calm. All right.



Willie, l don't need you to see this.

Get out of here, now!



Okay, check the temperature

of the pool. Go! Hurry!



What are you doing?

l meant check the thermometer!



Give me a hand. Let's go!



Get me two fish

from the barrel. Now.




-Just hang in there.




-It's gonna be all right.



That's a little warm.

Go to the bottom of the barrel, please.



Okay, there. That's good. Thank you.



Come on, buddy, take it. Take it.



-He's not responding!

-l know, Alexa!



Sorry, l smacked you. You needed

the fish-slap to calm down.



-Do you understand? Are you calm?

-Yes. Fish-slap calm me.



l'm gonna try to get him

breathing manually...



...so l need your face next

to his mouth to see if it's working.



-Are you ready?




-One, two, three!

-Nothing, nothing!



All right! Try it again. lf it doesn't

work we'll perform a tracheotomy.



We don't wanna do that, so let's

pray this works. One more time.



One, two....



That's a lot of vomit.



This is why l got into

this business.



To save sea animals.



You should go

wash yourself off, okay?



Maybe try some turpentine.

That might take the stink away.



Yeah, high-five is right, buddy.



l knew you were gonna burp,

but the vomit thing was awesome!



That's what she gets for eating

my roast beef sandwich.



Willie, did you see that?



Captain's log:

November  th,  :    a.m.



I've taken the Sea Serpent for

a trip around the island of Oahu.



It is by far the longest voyage

she has yet undertaken...



...and its completion will signal

that she's ready...



...for our great journey

to Bristol Bay...



...whose unspoiled walrus habitat

will yield an abundance of--



Damn it!



Are you kidding me?



Aloha, honey.

What can l get for you?



l guess l'll take a cup of coffee.



-You guess?

-Yeah, l already ate breakfast.



l need to kill some time before the

Coast Guard gets here to tow my boat.



What did you eat?



l had a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup

and some Gatorade.



They're not breakfast.

l get you Spam and eggs.



Nick, l need Spam and eggs.






-You like the peanut butter cups?




Want me to put peanut butter cups

in your eggs?



No, that's okay.



Peanut butter cups.



-Hey, Sue, nice haircut.

-Mahalo, Lucy.



Are you staring at me or her?



Because you're starting

to freak me out.



Settle down and eat your pancakes.



l think she's a local girl.

l wanted to go up to her...



...but l was kind of off my game.

But, man, was she cute, though.



l thought you liked your bitches

from out of state.



Yeah, that's usually my policy.

Make sure l don't get tied down.



Freeze that image right there.



There's the little fella.

Congratulations, Mommy.



Sounds to me like someone

is afraid of commitment.



Let me guess.



Your high school sweetheart

got drunk at party...



...then cheated on you

with whole wrestling team.



Close. Actually, it was my

college girlfriend Tracy.



And it wasn't a wrestling team.

It was her academic advisor.



-Oh, she liked the older man.

-Older women. About    years older.



l hope you shot the stupid tramp.



What's with the ''tramp''

and the ''bitches'' talk?



-Are you drunk or something?

-l apologize for nasty talk.



l am grouchy due to lack

of recent physical intimacy.



Shut up, because here comes

one-time-only opportunity.



What l will do now is go into

your office and become naked.



Next move is up to you.



l may not be as limber

as l once was...



...but l make up for it with enthusiasm

and willingness to experiment.



l don't know if you realize,

l'm not into guys.



Hey, Mr. Peanut Butter Cups.



Hey, Mr. Could-Kill-Me-in-One-Punch.

How you doing?



-You're back.

-Couldn't get enough of that Spam.



Fry some up and throw

some eggs on it.



-You got it.

-All right, mahalo.



-Hi, Lucy.

-Hi, Nick.



You know, why don't you try this?



It's kind of a hinge.



-Now, why didn't l think of that?

-Well, you're too close to the project.



Don't be hard on yourself.



Right. Sometimes you need

an outsider's perspective.



Fresh eye never hurts.



l'm Lucy.



Yes. l'm Henry Roth.



-Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.



It's pretty. Keep up the good work.



Wait. l see you're sitting there alone.

Do you wanna come and sit down?



-Sure, that'd be great, if that's all right.




-So are you an architect?

-l am not. l'm in fish.



Oh, that's where the smell

is coming from.



Yeah, yeah, l was feeding

a walrus this morning...



...and l thought l got most of it

off of me, but guess l didn't.



-l love that smell.

-No, you don't.



-Fish don't even like that smell.

-No, l do. My dad's a fisherman.



He and my brother Doug, they go

out to sea for months at a time.



And l miss them so much while they're

gone that when they come back...



...l just hold on to them

for five minutes each.



And they smell just like your hands.

It's the best smell in the world.



Well, my fingers are available...



...for your sniffing pleasure

anytime you need them.







Sea lions are known

for their athleticism...



...and dolphins are known

for their intelligence.



-Walruses are known for their....




Their tusks. Also their male parts

can get pretty gigantic.



Yeah, yeah, it's the second biggest

out of all the mammals.



-What's the first?

-l think Tattoo-Face.



l like your laugh.



l like you making me laugh.



l hate to break this up,

but we're setting up for lunch.



Oh, okay. Sorry, Sue.



And the real cool thing about walruses

is they're very mysterious.




-Yeah, yeah.



We don't really know what

they're like in the wild.



Don't they just sleep on icebergs

and yawn all the time?



All we really see is what they do

outside of the water...



...but who knows what

they do under the ice...



...where they spend

two-thirds of their lives.



Well, maybe they're intimidating the

other creatures with their big winkies.



That is one theory.



-l have to go.

-Where you going?



It's my dad's birthday, and we go

every year and we pick a pineapple.



-It's a tradition.

-That sounds nice. Okay, well...



...l had a great time.



-Me too.




Would you like to have breakfast

again tomorrow morning, same time?



-Because l teach an art class at   .





-l wish l could make it...



...but, yes, l will be there.



-Take care.




-One for the road. It is fishy.

-Got you good.







See you tomorrow.



Oh, my God.



Oh, my goodness.






l had a bee on me.



-All right.

-He was a big one.



Which means

''look at those two shitheads.''



That was the stupidest-looking

swing l've ever seen.



l'm gonna take a Molokai

on that one.



No throwing. Come on.



Stop laughing, you hyenas.

Let's see what you get.



Okay, you heard me. Go! Go!



Show papa what you got.



-You suck, you're good at everything.

-Father of the Year strikes again.



By the way, cuz, l met this sexy, blond

tax attorney at Starbucks today.



l told her you the kahuna

she wanna have fun on this island.



You want her number?



You pimping tourists for me again?



Yes! l live vicariously

through you, remember?



My life sucks.



Now, come on. Give her the Waikikiki

sneaky between the cheeky.



Ula needs it. l imagine l did it and then

l can get through another weekend.



l'm staying in. Sorry.

Thank you, though.




-Hey, Dad!



Not now, Keanu Mokokokakau.



But your stitches are bleeding.



It must've been my huge back-swing.



You think you can stitch me up

after l get back from surfing?



-Yeah, looking forward to it.

-l wouldn't surf with a wound like that.



You might attract a shark.



What's wrong with that?

Sharks are naturally peaceful.



ls that right?

How'd you get that nasty cut, anyway?



A shark bit me.






Go smoke another one, bro.



That shark theory's

starting to catch on.



Now, will everybody keep it down...



...while l whack the crap

out of this thing?



Sit! Stay! Shit! No!



Where the hell is it?



Looking for something?



Oh, my God!

What are you doing here?



The same thing you are.

Looking for my ball.



This is weird. l've been thinking

about you all morning, all day.



Can't wait to have breakfast

with you again.



l know. And l just wanna eat you up.




-Yeah. Tomorrow and the next day...



-...and the next day and the next day.

-All right. Okay.



Oh, my.



Oh, Lucy, that feels so good.



No, my nipples are too sensitive.

Stop that.



-What happened?

-Your ball hooked into that cart...



...bounced back and hit you in

the head. It was freaking hilarious.




-Who's Lucy?



And what's up with your nipples?



l can't be falling for a local.

l ain't ever going back to that diner.



-This where you got hit?




You're so lucky you're a professional

cliff diver in Hawaii.



-Yeah, well, it's a living.

-l'm a tax attorney.



-We never get to have any fun.

-ls that right?



l'd like to do something

extra fun tonight.



Taking it deep, aren't you?



How about another

fishbowl for the lady?



-Why don't l just tap a keg for her?




l think l'm getting kind of drunk.



-Are you getting drunk?

-Getting there.



So, what are you thinking?



What am l thinking?



Actually, l'm not drunk at all,

Noreen, and neither are you...



...because there's no alcohol

in these drinks.



Sadly, l've used this technique

many times.



It helps lovely tourists,

such as yourself...



...loosen up without impairing

your ability to stay awake...



...and have guiIt-free,

vigorous sex with me.




-l'm sorry.



l'm not a cliff diver, either.

l'm afraid of heights.



Well, since it's my last night in town...



...can l pretend you didn't just say that

and still have sex with you anyway?



l can't do it. l'm sorry.



Well, can you at least point me in

the direction of someone who can?



That guy over there

could help you out.



-lsn't that a woman?

-Jeez, l'm not really sure.



But you're too drunk to notice,

remember? Take care.



-Hey, you. Aloha.




Not aloha, ''hello,'' aloha, ''goodbye.''

We're closed today. Go away.



-What are you talking about?

-Order up!



-Don't move. l have to talk to you.




-Hey! Tattoo-Face!

-Hey, Peanut Butter Cups!









My fingers are extra fishy today,

if you care to take a whiff.



What was that?



l was petting my walrus all morning

and thinking of you the whole time.



Okay, pervert.

l think that you should leave.



What? l was joking because

of what we talked about yesterday.






l've never even met you.



-Nick! l need help!

-Coming, Lucy.



Nick, put that down.

l'll handle it.



-You, follow me.

-Wait a-- What's going on?



l was kidding around with you!



What's happening here?

ls she crazy or something?



Lucy is a very special person.

Very different from other people.






About a year ago, Lucy was

in a terrible car accident.



She and her father went up

North Shore to get a pineapple.



Her father broke some ribs, but Lucy

suffered a serious head injury.



She lost her short-term memory.



So she can't remember anything?



No, no, no, she has all of her

long-term memory.



That's a different part

of the brain.



Her whole life, up to the night before

the accident, she remembers.



She just can't retain

any new information.



It's like her slate gets wiped clean

every night while she sleeps.



Hold on. This sounds like something

l would tell a psycho girl...



...so she'd stop calling me.

Am l the psycho girl?



l wish l was making this up!



She has no memory

that she ever met you.



What about the

pineapple-picking thing?



She says that every day,

because each morning...



...she wakes up thinking it's

October   th of last year.



She comes for breakfast because

that's what she did on Sundays...



...and October   th

was a Sunday.



She has no idea

it's more than a year later.



She reads the newspaper.



It's a special paper her father

puts on their porch.



It's from the day of her accident.

He got hundreds of them printed.



Lucy does the same thing every day.




-Back here.



-Hi, Dad!

-Oh, hi, sweetie.



You got one without me.



The lady at the farmers' market

gave it to me as a birthday present.



l didn't wanna hurt her feelings.



l think she likes you.



-Yeah, what's not to like?

-What about our tradition?



Well, l have another idea.

l painted my workshop yesterday.






Now it's too white.

Gives me a headache.



Oh, yeah, you definitely

need some color in here.



Well, you know,

that's what l was thinking.




-Yeah. Go nuts.



-Paint me something for my birthday.

-l will.



And promise that we can pick

a pineapple for Thanksgiving, okay?



-Sounds great.

-Okay, good.



Hey, you should watch the Vikings

game while l'm painting.



Good idea.



-Yeah, baby. lsolate.

-What are we eating tonight, Doug?



-Spaghetti, Pop.

-Try not to sweat in the sauce.



Sorry, Pop.



Go Vikings.



Seven hundred and five.

Seven hundred and six.



-Seven hundred and seven.

-Hey, you guys.



Hey, sweetie.

How's the painting coming?



-You'll see.




-Oh. What's the score?

-The Vikings are on the two-yard line.



-lf they score, they bring it to   -  .

-Maybe they'll win for your birthday.



And l'll bet Culpepper runs it in.



l'll bet he fakes a handoff to Williams,

throws to Kleinsasser in the end zone.



-Loser does the dishes?

-You're on.



--keep the offense on the field.



Culpepper fakes a handoff

to Williams. He will throw.



He's got Kleinsasser in the end zone!

Touchdown, Minnesota.



Doug, you're good.



Maybe you should be a coach.







That hurt.



And you don't look a day over   .



Yeah, right, and Doug's muscles

aren't pharmaceutically enhanced.



What? l use an herb supplement...



...that can be purchased at any

heaIth-food store. Check this out.



Check out these glutes.

Rock-hard, baby.



Pretty sweet, huh?



Stop it! You're gonna make me

throw up on the cake.



Okay, just open your present.



Okay. Let's see what we've got here.



The Sixth Sense.



Hey! When l'm done doing the dishes,

do you guys wanna watch it?







Ben Friedkin?



Some people, they call me freak.



-Ronald Sumner?

-I am. I am a freak. Look at me.



Just give me a chance--



l can't believe it.

Bruce Willis is a ghost.



l'm shocked.

Did you see that coming?




-Not a clue.



-Shocked as hell.

-Anyway, it was awesome.



-Happy birthday.

-Love you, Sis.



Your muscles are getting so big, l can

barely wrap my arms around you.



You like that?

Check this out.



Okay, okay! Enough with the titty

dance! Let your sister go to sleep.



-l like it.

-Sweet dreams, Lucy.



-Good night.

-Good night.



Hey, Tracy, how you doing?






Well, things changed a little bit

since high school.



And this is what happens

every single day.



How long it gonna take for

her memory to come back?



Her doctors say it may

never come back.



So, basically,

what you're saying is...



-...she's perfect for you.

-What do you mean?



You can hang out all day with

no attachment, because--



Her plane leaves every night?

There's a problem with that.



-What is?

-It's evil.



No, it isn't.



You meet her, hang out, flirt,

no commitment, nobody gets hurt.



-She's got brain damage, you psycho.

-Okay, l'll give you that one.



But l think it'd be heaIthy for you.



You haven't allowed yourself

to connect with a girl.



l appreciate your interest,

but leave me alone.



Hey, you'd be doing exactly

what her father does:



Giving her a wonderful day.



When it's time for you to go on your

big boat trip, poof, you just leave.



She'll never even know you're gone.



l'm not sure about the ''poofing'' part,

because l'm not a good poofer.



Demonstrate a good poof for me?



Quit busting my coconuts

for five seconds.



All right. Would you stop poofing

on that joint and do some work?



Okay. Let's get this sucker ready.



Then we're gonna take her

out for a spin.



Captain's log: November  th.

Nearly midnight.



The Sea Serpent is fully

recovered from her mishap...



...and ready to once again

brave the open ocean.



l think my stitches

opened up again, cuz.



You got a cat?

Because l feel something licking me.



How is it?



Peanut Butter Cups.

What are you doing here?



l just wanted to say hi to Lucy.



l promise you l'm not gonna

do anything wrong.



What did Sue say?



She said that if l talk to Lucy,

you'll kill me with a meat cleaver.



She's the boss, cuz.

But don't worry.



Lucy probably didn't wanna

talk to you anyway.



-What does that mean?

-This ain't a disco.



She doesn't want guys hitting on her

during her breakfast.



She does if it's Henry Roth.



-Who that?

-Who that? Me that.



l bet you    bucks l can get her

to have breakfast with me again.



-You're on.

-l love it.



-How you doing, honey?

-Hey, Sue. Nice haircut.



Oh, mahalo.

See you in a bit.



Nick and l have an arrangement.

You can trust me.



Don't worry.



You should try this out.

Put it in there.



Swivelly door.



Waffleonians can

come in and out now.



Are you from a country where it's

okay to stick your fingers...



...all over someone else's food?



No, l'm from this country.



Why? Were you gonna eat that? Oh.



All right, well, have a good meal.




-That was pathetic.



Yeah? Why don't you choke

on your Spam?



Double or nothing tomorrow.



Hey. l'm sorry to bother you...



...but you look like a person

who appreciates fine art...



...so l wanted your opinion.



l drew this. It's a picture of a father

and son fishing off a fishing boat.



There's a walrus right there--



Oh, you don't speak English. Okay.



Doesn't look Chinese.






Can l have that?



l need something

to wipe my ass with.



Shut up.



l wonder what's the matter with him.



Looks like a stupid asshole to me.



Excuse me. Okay.

l didn't mean to startle you.



-No, that's all right. l--

-Are you okay?



Yeah, l'm fine. l'm having

a problem with something....



Something that l could help you with?



No, no, no. l just...



...can't read.



You gotta be kidding me.



-l can read that for you.

-No. Thank you.



l can do this on my own.



Appreciate the sentiment.



l'm gonna get an order of the....



















-Okay, l'll have pancake.




-Pancah-- Pancakes! Pancakes!



-l'm so stupid!

-Oh, don't cry.



-Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

-Don't cry.



-l don't know anything!

-What a loser.



l'll tell you what.

Why don't you sit with me?



You can have some breakfast and

l'll help teach you some of the words.




-All right.



-That sounds nice.

-Come on over.



-Okay, thank you.

-All right.



So l comes before the E?



-Except after C?




Okay, and C is that little

half a squiggly one, right?




-l think l'm getting it.



-How'd you get so good at teaching?

-l'm a teacher. l do it all the time.



l'm an art teacher at

the Haluki-liki Junior High.



Well, you Haluki-liki the kind of

teacher all the kids have crushes on.



l know l would if l was in your class.






Oh, boy, do my--

My fingers smell like fish.



That doesn't gross you out, does it?



No, not at all.






lf Lucy gets hurt, l'm gonna chop you

with the meat cleaver.



Okay, okay.



So l had a nice time.



-Yeah, me too.

-Thank you very much.



-Let me get it for you.

-Thank you.









l just want to eat you up, tomorrow

and the next day, next day, next day....



l'll see you around.






Really? That's it?



-That's what?

-All that flirting...



...and phony ''l can't read'' stuff,

and you're not gonna ask me out...



...or for my phone number?



-l can't read.

-Oh, shut up.



That was one of the goofiest things

l've ever seen, but l thought:



''Hey, if this guy is so desperate

to meet me...



...he might be worth talking to.''



But then l get stiffed.



No, no, no,

this is what happened. l....



Mahalo for the ego boost.



-You're right. You're right. l feel like--

-No worries.



l gotta--

l can read a little!



l didn't know l came before E!

That one l didn't know, l swear.



Oh, you idiot.



l hope you're happy, Shamu.



Marlin. It's Sue.



-Oh, aloha, sir. My name's Henry--

-l know who you are.



-l want to apologize to your daughter.

-Not gonna happen.



She's inside.

We're gonna straighten things out.



Dad, the damn mongoose

got in the garbage again!



-ls this the guy?




Mr. Roth, l have one simple request:



Stay away from my daughter.



Absolutely. l hurt her feelings

and don't want it to end like that.



It's gonna end like this.



Calm down, little fellow.



l'm gonna kill you! You're a dead man.

Okay, l'm calm.



l'm calm.



-Let me help you up.

-l got it! l got it.



It's just Dad and l work too hard

to protect Lucy to let some idiot ruin it.



l know what you guys do

and l totally respect that.



lf you know her condition, you know

she can't have a normal relationship.



The next morning,

she won't know who he is.



And any guy who's okay with that...



...ain't okay with me.



-l'm not looking for a one-night stand.

-Anything with Lucy is, numb-nuts.



Give us a break.

Just stay away from the Hukilau Cafe.



My daughter's been through enough.



Okay. l'm sorry.



l could have whooped his ass,

but this gravel, l slipped on it--



Yeah, well, maybe you need to do

a few more butt flexes.



Cheap shot, Dad.



So fresh and so clean.



Hey, Alexa, did you hook up

with that girl from the bar?



-l chickened out.




Yeah, l don't know.

l guess l prefer sausage to taco.




-Yeah. No, l agree, buddy.



Get out of here.

Run for the hills.



Let me ask you something, Alexa.



lf you promised a girl's dad

that you wouldn't see her...



...would you consider that

a binding promise?







Then again, there are always ways

around such things.




-For example...



...if l promised a woman's father

l would not see her...



...l would simply shut my eyes

while she serviced my manhood.



That's actually a cool way to look at it.



And a very gross way.



He asked me not to go to the Hukilau.

l'm not going there.



l'm not doing anything wrong.



Sorry to bother you.

l'm kind of stuck here.



-Car trouble?

-Yeah. You mind giving me a jump?






Appreciate your time.



Not everybody would have stopped.



-You're real sweet.

-Oh, yeah. Thank you.



l can't believe you fell for that.



Well, my grandfather died

trying to jump-start a car.



l'm sorry.

l was just joking around.



l can't believe you fell for that!



Oh, my God.



That was very good.



-My name's Henry.

-l'm Lucy.



Nice to meet you.

You look like a nice....



Hi. Sorry for the delay.

Should be a few minutes.



-No problem. No worries.

-Where you coming from?







-How was it?



l had waffles. They were delicious.



l like making little houses

out of waffles.



-You do?

-That's my thing.



-What's your name?




Hi, l'm Henry.



Okay, pal. When she stops,

just let her pet you. Look cute.



Go to the middle of the road.

Thank you. Right there. Perfect.



-Oh, shit.

-Here she comes. Smile.



Where is she?



Oh, my God. Oh, no!



Okay. That didn't work.



Shit your pants? So did l.



Okay, this is her.

Start beating me up.



Make it look good.



Give me your wallet!



Okay, haole, what do you think?

You can come to this island...



-...eat our pineapple--

-Help me! Not so hard.



-Take it easy.

-Try to bang our women.



Making my sister

clean your hotel room.



Okay. What's that have to do

with this? Relax.



-Hey! Hey! Help me, please!

-Stupid haole!



Yeah, that's right. Take that!

And that! And that!



And that! And that!



You got him. You got him.

Enough. Enough.



-Are you okay?

-Yes, yes--



Okay, l'll be back.

Come here!



No, no! l think he's had enough.



l'm sorry.



My eye!



-You got him!

-Not good enough!



Oh, Kamehameha!



He learned his lesson!



-What's your name?

-My name's Henry.



-You did good.

-Hi. Sorry.



l'm in a community-watch program--



Oh, you crazy bitch!



Yeah, keep running!



Okay, okay, he's-- He's gone now.



Not her. False alarm.



Don't worry, l called the cops already.

l'm all set.



Yeah? You all set for this, Mr. Smarty?



-Oh, shit.




When you're finished playing your

kidnap-victim crap on my daughter...



...come by the house.






Oh, boy.



There's something l wanna show you.



We figured it out. She only sings

on days she meets you.



You're kidding me. That song?



That's Mom and Dad's song.



When her mom was alive,

Lucy would have me take that tape...



-...on every fishing trip l went on.

-Oh, yeah?



Yeah, she knew it would make me

miss her mom...



...and want to come home sooner.



l'm seeing a new side to you, sir.

l gotta tell you, it's grossing me out.



Let me ask you something.



What's in it for you?

What do you get out of this?



l don't know.



Wouldn't you want to spend

an hour a day with that?



Actually, no. She sings like shit.




-Can l ask you guys something?



What'll happen down the line?

Someday she'll wake up...



...look in the mirror and notice

she aged    years overnight.



You know something, Henry?



l worry about that

every damn day of my life.



Pardon me.



Sorry to interrupt, but l noticed we

were both eating alone...



...and l thought l could sit with you,

maybe build a syrup Jacuzzi...



-...for your waffle house?

-Oh, that would be nice...



...but l have a boyfriend.



So l'm sorry.



You're making up a boyfriend

to get rid of me?



No, l'm not.



What's his name, then?






ls his last name Starr?



-No. McCartney.

-McCartney, okay.



-Oh, no.

-All right. l'm sorry.



No! This cop is writing me a ticket!



Oh, whoa, whoa.

l wouldn't go out there.



-Wait, wait, wait!

-Go on!



l'm coming.



The tags don't expire

for seven months.



-They expired May of this year.

-No! No, no!



They expire May of next year.



l think there's been

a misunderstanding.



-l don't.

-This is ridiculous.



l'm not paying for this!

It's October!



Excuse me. Can l borrow this?

Look, October!



Lucy, let's go back inside.









Having a bad day, Doug!






...these are from the accident.



Oh, no!



l can feel it.



You were in the hospital

for three months, sweetheart.



l have to talk to this doctor.

l need to hear it from him.



You have heard it, sweetie.

Many times.



l have?



l'll take her.



l have to hear for myself too.



Doug, just take this, okay?

l can't--



l can't look at it anymore.



-It's gonna be all right, Luce.

-Don't call me Luce. l barely know you.



Sweetie, you're sort of dating him.



Sorry l'm not better-looking.



What else happened

since last October?



-What about my students?

-Miss Campbell took over your class.



-Did Alicia marry that guy?




Doug, did you win

the Mr. Hawaii contest?



l didn't know there was gonna be

a urine test.






Do we have sex?



No, we don't.

Just so everybody knows that.



We want to.



Just kidding.



So you guys have to just lie

to me every day.



Hey, Lucy.

Good to see you again.



What the hell's her problem?



She doesn't remember

who you are, brah.



Oh, yeah.



l suck at this job.



Lucy, these are your

brain scans here.



l'm afraid they show

no improvement.



The temporal lobe

was severely damaged.



What we believe is scar tissue

here is impairing your ability...



...to convert short-term memory into

long-term memory while you sleep.



The condition's come to be known

as Goldfield Syndrome.



-Who's Goldfield?

-A brilliant Lithuanian psychiatrist.



He himself suffered

temporal-lobe damage.



Took him four years

to publish his findings...



...because he had to keep

starting over from scratch.



Obviously, your sense of humor

is still intact, and that's here.



Magnificent amygdala as well.



-Doctor, l have a question.

-l'd be happy to answer it...



...but as l've told you before, this is a

hygienic facility. Shirts are required.



-Oh, okay.

-Nice move.



Listen, doctor, this...



...friend of mine's been experimenting

a little with steroids.



He's been having a lot

of wet dreams.



Could there be a connection

between them?



Douglas, get off the juice.



As for the nocturnal emissions,

why don't you take a swim...



...buy a shirt with no holes,

find a wahine and take her to dinner.



l'll tell my friend you said so.



ln any case, Lucy,

your condition is stable...



...but most likely permanent.



l'm so sorry, dear.



But it could be worse.



Yeah? How?



l think you should meet

Ten Second Tom.



Callahan lnstitute is the leading

brain-injury clinic in the Pacific Rim.



We are funded out of Sandusky, Ohio

by T.B. Callahan...



...the automotive-components tycoon

and philanthropist.



And now, l would like

to introduce to you...



...our most distinguished

clinical subject...






-Hi. l'm Tom.












Cool flip-flops.

Where'd you get them?



You like those? It's interesting.

l was on the North Shore--



Hi, l'm Tom.








-Tom lost part of his brain...



...in a hunting accident.

His memory lasts    seconds.



l was in an accident? That's terrible.



Don't worry.

You'll get over it in seconds.



Get over it? l mean, what happened?

Did l get shot in the brain--?



-Hi, l'm Tom.

-Hi, l'm Lucy.











Hey, Tom, can l tell you a secret?



Don't you think you're a little old

to still have wet dreams?



-They liked that.

-Hi, l'm Tom.



-Yeah, watch yourself, Tom.




-l'm gonna go to sleep.

-All right. Good night.



Good night, you guys.

l'll see you tomorrow.



-And l guess l'll see you too?

-Oh, yeah.



You had a rough day today.

l'm sorry.



l hope you get some rest tonight.






Good night.



So how you getting home?



-You gonna take the Likelike or--




Thank you for being

so nice to me today.




-l don't want you to...



...strike out tomorrow.



So maybe you could talk

to me about...









l'm a sucker for lilies.



Thanks for the tip.



Good night.



Good night.



My, oh, my.




-Yes, sir.



You don't have to rush off.

Stick around.



You've earned yourself

a couple beers.



So what'll you do when

you finish the boat?



Actually, l'm going on a trip soon...



...to study undersea

Pacific walrus behaviors.



Sounds kind of fruity.



-Thank you.

-How long is it gonna take?



About a year.



Guess you won't miss days like this.



Well, maybe days like this

don't have to be so bad.



What are you trying to say?



When you guys tell her...



...she's not just finding out

about the accident.



She's finding out that her life

is basically a setup.



l think that freaks her out the most.



-You're an expert now?




l'm saying l wish there was

another way besides:



''Sorry we couldn't trick you today.

Here's pictures of your broken head.''



-You want a broken head?

-You'll give him one?



No, Daddy, l thought

you was gonna do it.



Nobody's gotta break my head.

l'm gonna split anyways.



Oh, don't go just because

my son is psychotic.



Good night. Sweet dreams.

Keep them dry there, Doug.



Very funny.



-Excuse me. Lucy Whitmore?




l have a delivery for you.



-A delivery for me?




Oh, they're beautiful.



-Who are they from?

-That l can't tell you.



It's a secret admirer.

He also wants you to have this.



-Who's your friend, Lucy?

-Oh, well, l mean, l don't know.



We just met, but look.



l have a secret admirer.



Oh, really? What's this?



It's a videotape.



A videotape of what?



l have no idea.



But l have to find out.



Happy birthday, Daddy.



-Thank you, sweetie.

-That's right. Happy birthday, sir.



-What are you,     today?

-That's cute.



-What are you doing?

-l wanted to try something different.



lf it doesn't work,

we've only wasted one day.



Martha Stewart faced charges--



Oh, God!



Okay, I think it's on. Go. Go.



Aloha! I'm Henry Roth.



We met here at the Hukilau Cafe

about a year after your accident.



I like you and you like me, most days.



Every day is different, but basically

this is what happens, Lucy.



Kikikoloko, take the camera.



-I got it.

-Don't drop it.



Okay, all right.

Here we are, right here.



The part of you in this reenactment...



...will be played

by my good friend, Ula.



Aloha. Sorry about your brain.



I had a accident too.



Believe it or not, this my good eye.



-We ready?




Hi. I like that waffle teepee

that you have buiIt.



Oh! So nice of you to notice.

Please, sit down.



I would love to.



My name is Henry, by the way.



My name is Lucy.



Smell my fingers?



Fish. Right on.



So, Lucy, I work at an aquarium.



Aquariums make me super horny.



That's not funny.

Don't rub those.



Sorry, Mr. Whitmore,

if you're watching.



It's very late,

and my friend's unstable.



Come on, stop with the licking!

You're making me sick.



Lucy, I'm sorry.



Anyways, I know you wish I was

making all this stuff up.



I wish I was too.



But the good news is...



...so many people out there

care about you:



Your dad and Doug and a couple

of your friends here at the Hukilau...



...who have a message for you.



Lucy, as you know,

your mother and I were best friends.



That's why I promised her that

I would always help look after you.



Sometimes life isn't very fair...



...but we still have you.



Oh, and if you're wondering about

this guy who's making this tape...



...he's okay.



Hey, Lucy. Just so you know,

since you lost your memory...



...I became governor of Hawaii.



No, just kidding. I'm too smart.



Kualaliku! Get your brother

off the dishwasher!



So whenever you're ready,

we'd all love to talk to you...



...and answer any questions

you have...



...and you're the best, Lucy. Aloha.



How many times

have l watched this?



This is the first time.



Okay, she cried for about an hour.

That's not too bad.



l bet in another hour she'll be ready

to see her friends, have lunch...



...get her life back.



We could do this every day.



We'll leave it up to her.



All right.



So how's the cow?



Same as you. Every day they

have to convince her she's a cow.



Wow, look. The bark is healing.



You're gonna get there.



l never hung out with you

in the afternoon like this.



ln this lighting, man, oh, man,

you look...









l don't know how you get me to fall for

that egg-shaped head every morning.



All l have to do is slide on

my designer jeans...



...and just kind of wiggle

in front of you. You go nuts.



Why couldn't l have met you one day

before the accident?



Don't worry, because if you hung out

with me for more than one day...



...you'd realize l'm a bore.



-Oh, well, l have news for you.




It takes less than one day.



You know something?

That hurt.



Your damaged temporal lobe

is causing me pain...



...and l'm gonna get you for that.



Now you're dead!



-l can't believe you're pregnant.

-l know.



-And l got her on the first try.

-Yeah. Easy.



And, Tammy, you are so thin.



Thanks, Luce.



And l'm so glad you finally got...



...that gender-reassignment surgery,

Jennifer. l mean, Jonathan.






-Here you go, Lucy.

-Thank you.



-You're welcome.

-You must be Lucy's friend.



-The one who made the tape.

-l think he's more than my friend.



-You're my boyfriend, right?

-Yes, ma'am.



So every day you help her

to realize what happened...



...and you wait patiently for her

to be okay with it...



...then get her to fall in love

with you again?



Yes, ma'am.



You asshole!



You don't even open the fricking car

door for me anymore.



You're in trouble.



l gotta go tinkle.



Okay, so tell me a little bit more

about yourself.



Okay. Well, l've...



...won over seven all-you-can-eat

chicken-wing contests.







And l'm a ballet dancer,

but only in my bathroom.



No, what do you want to know?



Do you love me?



l didn't mean to put you on the spot.



l was just asking more for

informational purposes.



It's to keep the video as up-to-date

as possible.






Well, love is a very loaded word.



Let's see. l....



l go to this restaurant every morning,

and l see you there, reading.






l love you very much.



Probably more than anybody could

love another person.



And how do l feel about you?



You're excited about

the chicken-wing thing.






...you've been dying to make out

with me for some time now.



Feeling better now?



Nothing beats a first kiss.



There's nothing like a first kiss.



Nothing beats a first kiss.



That's what l've heard.



Nothing beats a first--



What are you doing?



Nothing. l was just getting

some lint off for you.



You were going for a feelski!



All right, l'm sorry, but this is like the

  rd time we've made out already...



...and they're getting blue.



l know. l know.



l mean, l really don't know.



For me, it still feels like the first time.



Okay, let's average it out then.



It's the   rd time for me

and the first time for you.



-That's about our   th time.




Now, Hawaiian law clearly states

after the   th date...



...l'm entitled to unlimited

boob access.



Why didn't l meet you one day

before the accident?



You say that all the time.



You want to meet a friend of mine?



All right.



Jocko, this is Lucy.

Lucy, this is Jocko.



Wow! Thank you. Nice to meet you.



He is awesome! He is so smart.



Check this out. Jocko, what does

the teapot do when the water's ready?



-Very good.

-Can l ask him a question?



Go ahead.






...do you think that Henry and l

are ready to take our relationship...



...to the next level?



You sure about that?



Do you think l should bring him

into the other room...



...and take advantage of him?



l saw that hand gesture.



-And l'm glad you did it.




-Use that.

-Oh, wow. Look!







They're nodding in approval, l hope.



They like you. Let me get them

out of there.



Mary-Kate, Ashley, get a life.

Thank you. Sorry.



-Oh, they're very nice, though.

-Yeah, so are you.



Let me get you down slow.



-Thank you.

-My pleasure.



All right, l just wrote this,

so go easy on me.



The Hukilau was the place



Where I first saw your face



We liked each other right away



But you didn't remember me

The very next day



Forgetful Lucy



Has got a nice caboose-y



I used to trick you into pulling

Your car over so we could chat



But my favorite time was when you

Beat the shit out of Ula with a bat



And we drove up to see Dr. Keats



And found out why Doug always

Has to change his sheets



Forgetful Lucy



Cracked her head like Gary Busey



But I still love her so



And I'll never let her go



Even if while I'm singing this song



She's wishing I had

Jocko the Walrus' schlong



Forgetful Lucy



Her lips are so damn juicy



How about another first kiss



Can't fall asleep.



l'm not sleeping.



l'm just closing my eyes.



Well, l'm gonna go downstairs then.



No, no. l'm just resting.









Will you marry me?



-Of course.




Don't forget about me.






Good morning.



Oh, shit!



-Help! Help!

-Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lucy.



Lucy! Lucy! Hey, hey, hey.



l know this is hard for you

to understand...



...but we are actually

seeing each other.



We have been for a while now.



Oh! Lucy! Lucy! Lucy!



lf l was lying,

how would l know this?



You're an art teacher and you go

to the Hukilau every Sunday...



...and you make waffle houses

and you like Casablanca lilies.




-No, don't you remember me a little?



l may not be able to kick your ass,

but my sister can.



Thanks, buddy.



Little Sammy Sosa's a bit shook up,

but she'll be okay.



She's watching the tape as we speak.



How's my temporal lobe

looking there, doc?



Don't worry. You're not gonna suffer

any short-term memory loss.



But was your head shaped like an egg

before she hit you?



Don't make fun of Henry.

It's not his fauIt it's shaped like that.



Note the intense overreaction.

That's the ''roids'' talking.



-Doug, once again, off the juice.

-It's not juice.



It's a protein shake.



Henry, the boys tell me you're setting

sail for Alaska to study walruses.



-When does that adventure begin?

-That actually began...



...ten years ago. That's when l started

planning and building my boat.



All l know is, out of all mammals,

they have the second-largest penis.



l have the first.



That's my joke.



Did you tell Lucy about this trip?






...actually, there's nothing to tell

because l decided not to go.



l mean, Lucy needs me here.



l'm just worried about

going away for a year...



...and ruining all the progress

she's made.



l know you think l'm crazy...



...but l think deep down inside...



-...she's starting to remember me.

-No, Henry.



That's what you want to believe.

It's what we all want to believe.



But it's never gonna happen.



Okay. l gotta go to work.



Will you tell her l'll be back later

to pick her up?



See you, guys. Don't tell anyone

your sister beat me up.



He could go to the moon and back and

Lucy would never even know he left.



Sometimes l wish my wife

had Goldfield Syndrome.



That way she wouldn't remember

when l called her mother...



...a loud, obnoxious drunk with a face

like J. Edgar Hoover's ass.



All right. There's your medicine,

little fellow.



Ula! Get back to cleaning the pool!



lf that's one of your special brownies,

don't let any of the dolphins eat that.



How do you think l get them to

double flip and play with white kids?



Okay, Willie, that's it.



This time try to stay clean

for more than a day.



l made you a nice anchovy sundae.



Okay, enjoy that.







-How's your head?



-Oh, it's fine. Don't worry.




What brings your royal cuteness

out here?



l needed to see you.



Okay. What you got there?



It's my journal. l write in it every night.



-Oh, you don't like the video?

-No, l love it.



It's just sometimes when l watch it,

l feel like l'm being told about my life...



...from someone else.

And when l read this...



...it's like l'm telling myself.



When did you start this up?



Right after you gave me the video.




-l was so nervous to come here...



...and meet the guy that makes me

fall in love with him every day.



Well, you probably thought

l couldn't live up to the hype.



No. l was nervous because....



Because l came here

to break up with you.



You had plans and a life...



...before you met me

and now all you have time for...



...is to make me fall in love with you.



That's not all l do.

l gave a penguin a bath today.



Which l'll have to do again tomorrow.



l look at my dad and my brother's

lives and l won't do that to you.



What do you want me to do? Be some

chapter in your scrapbook and go?






My plan is to erase you completely,

so it's as if you never existed.



Why are you doing this?



Because you have to understand

that there is no future with me.



Don't you want to have a career

and marriage and children?



l asked you to marry me. You said yes.



Kids? Yeah, l'd love to do it.



But how is that going to work?



l'm gonna wake up every morning with

an enormous belly and no memory...



...of how it happened?



l have to make a new journal

that doesn't have you in it.



But before l do...



...l really want you to read

what l wrote about you.



l will read about it tomorrow...



...when you forget about all this

breaking up stuff, okay?



l'm not going to forget it.

l wrote it down. l won't let myself.



And l'm gonna do it whether

you want me to or not.



l'll be at my house.



Okay, type this one in there.



Saturday, November   th.



l drove out to Callahan lnstitute today

and had a talk with Dr. Keats.



There's one about me.



Reminder: He makes funny noises

when l kiss his neck.



l'm gonna miss that.



You sure you don't want me

to put that in?



-We can skip that one.

-No, let me read it.



We made love tonight! It didn't

last long, but it was incredible.



It's not all about how long you go. It's--

There was a connection, l thought.



Actually, let's just rip that out.



Well, that's that.



Henry, wait!



Could l have one last first kiss?



-l ain't gonna do this, Marlin.

-You have to, Henry.



l'm gonna miss you, but l gotta

get the hell off this island.



l'm sorry l can't take you...



...but you've lived here so long you're

too big of a pansy to defend yourself.



l don't feel bad for you. l know you

got a thing going on with Candace.



Candace and Bernice?



Candace, Bernice and Rose?



Yeah. l fell for one chick and l'm losing

my mind. Good luck with that.



Okay, baby.



l love you.



Thanks, buddy.

Remember to use a condom.



Or in your case, a Hefty bag.






Okay, you guys. Thanks for coming

to say goodbye.



Be careful.



You make sure your father doesn't

get eaten by a shark.



Thank you, buddy.

What does that mean again?



Bring me back a T-shirt.



Oh, okay. You got it.



Come here. All right. Love you guys.



My shirt size is medium husky.



Hey! Kikikuloa!



No flippies off the dock!

You could get hurt!



No! All right. Let the master

show you how to get it done.



Now you kids go down there

and find my nuts.



Sure you don't want to take Doug?



Hey! What the heck

are you guys doing here?



l spoke to the harbormaster and he

said you were setting sail today...



...so we thought we'd wish

you bon voyage.



This is from Nick and Sue.

They send their best wishes.



That's very nice.

Spam and Reese's. All right.



l love Spam and Reese's.

Can l have it?



l guess.




-That's all right.



-l'm sorry.




...how's Lucy?



Actually, she's living at the institute.



-When did that happen?

-Three weeks ago.



Said she didn't want to be a burden to

me and Doug anymore. l don't know.



l couldn't talk her out of it.

You know what?



She's doing really great up there.



She's teaching an art class

and she gets to paint every day.



ln fact, she's even singing again.



Hey, look, l got a little gift

for you too.



It's just a little something

from one sailor to another one.



You take care of yourself out there.



-l will.




Henry did not tell me about you.



Your fisherman muscles.



Can l touch?









The Beach Boys?



How nice of him to give me a CD

that will remind me...



...of all the wonderful times

l shared with his daughter.



What an asshole!



Oh, why?



Why would you do this to me?



You sick bastard!



Oh, my God.



ls he trying to tell me something?



She only sings on days

she meets you.



She remembers me?



Holy shit!



She remembers me!



Julia, that looks great.



Excuse me. What am l doing?



You're painting a picture.

And you're doing an excellent job.






Holy crap! l suck.



Hey, hey, hey.



-Can we help you, sir?

-Yes. l have an appointment.



-What's your name?

-My name?



Dude, he forgot his name.

l feel bad for him.



Just go on up. And good luck

with that memory problem.



Yeah. Thank you.












-Hi, l'm Tom.

-Hey, l met you before. l'm Henry.



Maybe you can help me.

l'm looking for Lucy Whitmore.



Any idea where l can find her?



Hi, l'm Tom.



Oh. Thanks anyways.









Lucy Whitmore...



...can l ask you a question?



Do you have any idea who l am?







That sucks.



-What's your name?

-l'm Henry.






l want to show you something.

Will you come with me?



Well, yeah.



Hey. Do you know who that guy is?



Dude, l don't even know who l am.



Oh, well, you're Pablo Picasso.




-No. Not really.



This is my studio.



l don't know who you are, Henry...



...but l dream about you

almost every night.






What would you say if l told you

that notebook you read every day...



...used to have a lot of stuff

about me in it?



l would say that that

makes a lot of sense.



You erased me

from your memories...



...because you thought you were

holding me back from having...



...a full and happy life.



But you made a mistake.



Being with you is the only way

l could have a full and happy life.



You're the girl of my dreams...



...and apparently l'm the man of yours.






It's nice to meet you.



Lucy, it's nice to meet you too.



Hi, l'm Tom.



Henry, Lucy. Nice to meet you, Tom.



Now why don't you come back in

ten seconds so we can meet again?



Do you, Honah Lee, take this woman

to be your lawfully wedded wife...



...to have and to hold

from this day forth...



...as long as you both shall live?



-I do.




Even though in, like,       years...



...she could possibly let herself

go and then, like...



...sex could be, like,

nauseating for you?



What are you, nuts?

Your wife's right over there.



I'm just kidding, Muumuu!



I now pronounce you man and wife.



Mazel tov!



It's very cold, so when you're ready...



...put on a jacket and come have

breakfast with me. Love you.



Hey, hey! Good morning, Mrs. Roth.

Would you like to meet your daughter?



Go say hello to Mommy.



Hi, Mommy.



That's right.



Good morning.



Oh, my goodness!



-Grandpa's here.

-Hi, Dad.

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