Fabulous Baker Boys Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Fabulous Baker Boys script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Michelle Pfeiffer, Jeff Bridges, and Beau Bridges movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Fabulous Baker Boys. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Fabulous Baker Boys Script


  

  

 

                   

What ya doing over there?



 

                   

l have to go.



 

                   

Why?



 

                   

Ajob.



 

                   

Funny hours.



 

                   

Funny job.



 

                   

Will l see you again?



 

                   

No.



 

                   

You weren't wearing

that earlier, were you?



  

                   

-l brought it.

-Thank God!



  

                   

You look like a creep.



  

                   

You have great hands.



  

                   

-How am l doing, Tommy?

-Two minutes, Jack.



  

                   

You're giving me an ulcer, Jack.



  

                   

l am early.



  

                   

   seconds

does not qualify as early, Jack.



  

                   

-Who does your tuxedo these days?

-Moon.



  

                   

Well, go to China Boy.

Look like you crawled out of bed.



  

                   

''Be the envy of your friends

with Miracle Hair''?



  

                   

This is paint, Frank.



  

                   

No, it's a magical sheath that

simulates a dazzling head of hair.



  

                   

-Frank, this is paint!

-Just help me put it on.



  

                   

You're supposed to spray

in a circular motion.



  

                   

Thank you.



  

                   

Good evening and welcome

to the Starfire Lounge.



  

                   

My name is Frank Baker.



  

                   

   keys across from me

is my little brother, Jack.



  

                   

My brother and l have been

playing together for how long, Jack?



  

                   

   years.



  

                   

That's a lot of water

under the bridge, huh, Jack?



  

                   

A lot of water.



  

                   

Things were different then.

l was     , Jack was  .



  

                   

The only one who'd listen to us

was the family cat, Cecil.



  

                   

We must have shaved   lives

off that cat, huh, Jack?



  

                   

But seriously, it's been

   years since Jack and l



  

                   

stepped on stage as professionals.



  

                   

But though we've played some

of the finest venues in the world,



  

                   

there's always been

a very special place for us.



  

                   

That place is this place.

The Starfire Lounge.



  

                   

Why?



  

                   

l guess you could just say...



  

                   

the people.



  

                   

Terrific, boys, terrific.

Yes, sir!



  

                   

You're just what we needed

on a night like this.



  

                   

Thanks, Lloyd.



  

                   

Only Jack, do me a favor?



  

                   

lf you want to smoke on stage,

put on a pair of sunglasses



  

                   

and go play with

the niggers on State Street.



  

                   

Here you go, fellas.

Ought to buy you more lessons.



  

                   

Do you know when you'd

want us to come back?



  

                   

l'll call you.



  

                   

l thought,

the way our schedule is,



  

                   

it might be a good idea...



  

                   

l'll call you.



  

                   

Count it.

Count it!



  

                   

Jack!



  

                   

Count the fucking money, Frank.



  

                   

lt's all here.



  

                   

l'll be talking to you, Lloyd.



  

                   

Very nice, Jack. Very nice.



  

                   

Fuck him.



  

                   

This isn't the Pine Tree lnn

on Route   .



  

                   

-Fuck him.

-Terrific. Fuck him.



  

                   

-Are we on for tomorrow night?

-Maybe Thursday.



  

                   

l hear the harpist

at the Sheraton has appendicitis.



  

                   

Hey!



  

                   

Don't forget your hair.



  

                   

l think l'm ready for

''Oh What Fun it is to Ride''.



  

                   

Your mom got a new friend?



  

                   

Uh-huh.



  

                   

Sounds big. What's he do?



  

                   

Kind of like a lawyer,

but the hours are more regular.



  

                   

All l know is, one day

he came to take the TV away,



  

                   

and ended up staying for dinner.



  

                   

What happened to

the Donut King?



  

                   

Married.



  

                   

No breakfast.

Maybe they had a fight.



  

                   

Nina!



  

                   

Gotta go. Teach me later?



  

                   

l'm coming!



  

                   

Are you bothering

Mr. Baker again?



  

                   

No, Mom.



  

                   

Hey!



  

                   

Get up.



  

                   

Thank you Mahalu.

That concludes this evening's show.



  

                   

Jack and l hope you enjoyed

yourselves as much as we did.



  

                   

And...



  

                   

which means

''Paddle home safely.''



  

                   

You want to see me, Charlie.



  

                   

Frankie! Yeah, come on in.



  

                   

-Little slow tonight.

-Mondays.



  

                   

-How is Jack?

-Okay.



  

                   

l wanted to see you alone because...



  

                   

The kitchen help, maids,

they love him. He makes me nervous.



  

                   

Sometimes he makes me nervous.



  

                   

Well, anyway...



  

                   

-What is this?

-Your pay.



  

                   

What about tomorrow night?



  

                   

lt's all there. Both nights.



   

                   

What are you saying, Charlie?



   

                   

You and Jack have been

working here a long time.



   

                   

   years.



   

                   

Maybe it's time we took

a vacation from one another.



   

                   

Vacation?



   

                   

Come on, it's Monday night!

You said so yourself.



   

                   

l got the pianos for two nights.



   

                   

lt wasn't even half full

out there tonight.



   

                   

l have six waiters in the back

listening to basketball.



   

                   

l gotta move the liquor.



   

                   

So, l have to fill the tables.

lt's a matter of economics.



   

                   

l love you guys.

You're class.



   

                   

But people today...



   

                   

they don't know class



   

                   

if it walks up and

grabs them by the balls.



   

                   

   years, no one's paid us off.



   

                   

He made the deal.

There's no shame in it.



   

                   

We gotta talk.



   

                   

Talk!



   

                   

l've been thinking maybe

we should make some changes.



   

                   

Maybe we should take on a singer.



   

                   

lt's just an idea.

l want your opinion.



   

                   

We go half on everything, right?



   

                   

l wouldn't say

exactly half, would you?



   

                   

We agreed it l did the business,

l'd be entitled to a little extra.



   

                   

-ls that what we agreed?

-Yeah, that's what we agreed.



   

                   

lf you're unhappy...



   

                   

-l'm not unhappy.

-lf you want to...



   

                   

assume more of the financial

responsibility, l'd be glad.



   

                   

How much for the singer?



   

                   

  /. With additional bookings,

we'll come out ahead.



   

                   

What?



   

                   

Two pianos isn't enough anymore.



   

                   

Never was.



   

                   

l appreciate your punctuality,

Miss...



   

                   

Moran.

Monica Moran.



   

                   

Alright, Miss Moran.



   

                   

Actually,

that's my stage name.



   

                   

-l'm sorry.

-Monica Moran.



   

                   

That's my stage name.

My real name is Blanche.



   

                   

Blanche?



   

                   

No romance, right?



   

                   

That's why l came up with Monica.

lt's what l prefer.



   

                   

Well, that's alright.



   

                   

But if you call my house

and my mother answers,



   

                   

ask for Blanche.



   

                   

lf not, she'll think you have

the wrong number and hang up.



   

                   

Yes, well. What is it

you'd like to do for us?



   

                   

''The Candy Man''.

ls that all right?



   

                   

That's one of Jack's favorites.



   

                   

l almost forgot you were there.



   

                   

Here's the instructions.



   

                   

He knows it.



   

                   

Really?

lsn't that a coincidence?



   

                   

Small world.



   

                   

Shall we?



   

                   

Thank you, that's enough.



   

                   

Miss Moran!



   

                   

Miss Moran!



   

                   

Blanche!



   

                   

Sorry.



   

                   

l get so

caught up in it sometimes.



   

                   

lt's scary.



   

                   

Yes, it is.



   

                   

Well, okay. Thank you.



   

                   

   girls and not one

who can carry a tune.



   

                   

There was a certain

surreal quality to it.



   

                   

God damn it!



   

                   

Shit!



   

                   

Shoe.



   

                   

ls this where the auditions are?



   

                   

Where the auditions were.

We're finished.



   

                   

What about me?



   

                   

You're an hour and a half late.



   

                   

l had trouble catching a cab.



   

                   

Punctuality,

first rule of show business.



   

                   

This is show business?



   

                   

Look Miss, we're tired,



   

                   

you have gum on your lip

and we're going home.



   

                   

Just like that, huh?



   

                   

l come down here,

break a heel



   

                   

and you won't give me a chance

because l'm a little late!



   

                   

An hour an a half late.

Want me to say it again?



   

                   

Well, it's not exactly

bewitching me.



   

                   

Besides, you're not

going anywhere.



   

                   

l beg your pardon?



   

                   

lntuition. l had a hunch

about this all day.



   

                   

Only, in my mind,

it was a little more glamorous.



   

                   

So, where's the winner?



   

                   

See? lntuition.



   

                   

Jack...



   

                   

What have we got to lose?



   

                   

Terrific.



   

                   

  !



   

                   

What is that, ''  ''?

Do you guys have a code?



   

                   

Name?



   

                   

Susie Diamond.



   

                   

Catchy.



   

                   

Do you have any previous

experience as a singer?



   

                   

No.



   

                   

Any entertainment experience?



   

                   

Last couple of years l've been

on call for Triple A Escort Service.



   

                   

What would you like to share?



   

                   

''More Than You Know''.



   

                   

Slow, okay?



   

                   

So?



   

                   

Did l not tell everyone:  .  ?



   

                   

-She'll get here.

-Like the day of the auctions.



   

                   

Jesus!



   

                   

How is my hair?



   

                   

Awe inspiring.



   

                   

Well, yours is not.

Let me run a comb through it.



   

                   

-Get out of here.

-Come on, stand still.



   

                   

lt won't hurt you.

Hold on.



   

                   

l'll hit you, l swear.



   

                   

-You hit me.

-l told you l was.



   

                   

l am a little wound up.



   

                   

-You're a fucking alarm clock.

-l just wish she'd get here.



   

                   

She's here.



   

                   

Christ. Look at her.



   

                   

Good evening, Miss Diamond.

You're late.



   

                   

Guest vocalist?

Who's next week, Beverly Sills?



   

                   

How come you guys have

your picture on the poster?



   

                   

We'll talk later. Your dress?



   

                   

What are you talking about?



   

                   

ls there a language problem?

Where's your dress for tonight?



   

                   

Do l look like l'm naked?



   

                   

With that?



   

                   

What are you, insane?



   

                   

Are you going trick or treating?



   

                   

-He doesn't like my dress, right?

-We don't have much time.



   

                   

What are you doing?

Don't grab me. Don't!



   

                   

-What are you, an eight?

-A six.



   

                   

How about this?



   

                   

Here. How is this?



   

                   

We'll take them from your share.



   

                   

You are a prince.



   

                   

Jack, touch me up, will you?

Remember, Jack and l are on first.



   

                   

l do the set-up and introduce you.



   

                   

And you say...?



   

                   

Good evening ladies and gentlemen,

l can't tell you... what is that?



   

                   

Winding your watch these days?



   

                   

-A little emergency, Ray.

-''Miracle Hair''.



   

                   

-Who is this, Minnie Pearl?

-We need some scissors.



   

                   

l want    minutes, Frankie.



   

                   

Don't worry,

they'll cut this off. Scissors!



   

                   

Fix your tie.



   

                   

Good luck, guys.

lt's a pretty ugly group.



   

                   

They send back the cheese balls.



   

                   

No scissors.



   

                   

Good evening.



   

                   

Welcome to the Ambassador Lounge.



   

                   

My name's Frank Baker.



   

                   

And no, you're not seeing double.

lt's just my brother, Jack.



   

                   

-Just a sip. For the butterflies.

-Okay, but no lipstick.



   

                   

What's that on your wrist?



   

                   

The next hour and a half

of my life.



   

                   

...a very special place.



   

                   

And that place is this place,



   

                   

the Ambassador Lounge.



   

                   

Please give a warm welcome

to a very special lady



   

                   

with a very special way

of singing a song.



   

                   

Miss Susie Diamond!



   

                   

Ladies and Gentlemen...



   

                   

-Hit the switch.

-Switch?



   

                   

What fucking switch?



   

                   

Pardon me.



   

                   

l can't tell you how

thrilled l am to be here.



   

                   

l work at the Palace Ballroom



   

                   

but gee, that palace is cheap.



   

                   

When I get home



   

                   

to my chilly old room



   

                   

l'm much too tired to sleep.



   

                   

l'm one of those lady teachers,



   

                   

a beautiful hostess, you know.



   

                   

One that the Palace features



   

                   

at exactly



   

                   

a dime a throw.



   

                   

Ten cents a dance,



   

                   

that's what they pay me.



   

                   

Gosh, how they weigh me down.



   

                   

Ten cents a dance,



   

                   

Pansies and wallflowers.



   

                   

Tough guys who tear my gown.



   

                   

  to midnight,



   

                   

I hearthe drums.



   

                   

Loudly the saxophone blows.



   

                   

Trumpets are tearing

my eardrums.



   

                   

Customers crush my toes.



   

                   

Sometimes l think



   

                   

l have found my hero.



   

                   

But it's a queer romance.



   

                   

All that you need is a ticket.



   

                   

Come on, big boy.



   

                   

Ten cents a dance.



   

                   

She says ''fucking'' in front of

an entire room of people.



   

                   

-l apologized.

-Did you hear it?



   

                   

Fucking.



   

                   

They were on their third Mai Tai

by the time l got out there.



   

                   

Fucking.



   

                   

For Christ's sake,

l said it, l didn't do it.



   

                   

l don't think they were

that offended, do you?



   

                   

We don't take tips

from dirty old men.



   

                   

l was going to split it!



   

                   

We do not take tips.

This goes to cost of the dress.



   

                   

Then l want my picture

and my name on the poster.



   

                   

And these shoes

are too fucking tight!



   

                   

Nice girl.



   

                   

Where did you find her anyway?



   

                   

The girl.



   

                   

She was a kid who hung around.

We gave her a break.



   

                   

Give her a tip from me, will ya?



   

                   

Smaller dress means a bigger crowd.



   

                   

Here you go, guys.

Don't spend it all in one place.



   

                   

Jack,...



   

                   

maybe you want to count it.



   

                   

You know we trust you, Lloyd.



   

                   

Frankie, while you're here,



   

                   

how is next week for you guys?



   

                   

We'll call you.



   

                   

Did you see his face?

Did you see it?



   

                   

The world is good.



   

                   

Don't let anybody

tell you any different.



   

                   

Good night, Baker.



   

                   

How ya doing, Henry?



   

                   

Can't complain.



   

                   

What do you think of the kid?



   

                   

When does his mother

pick him up?



   

                   

He's been playing here for a year.



   

                   

You ought to come around

more often, Jack.



   

                   

So how about Jack Baker?



   

                   

Still stomping at the Sheraton?



   

                   

Keeps me out of trouble.



   

                   

Then what are you doing here?



   

                   

Looking for trouble.



   

                   

Try to control your excitement, Ed.



   

                   

Let me see your teeth.



   

                   

Yeah, they gotta to go.



   

                   

  is my guess, maybe more.

Don't know till l get in there.



   

                   

And bones?



   

                   

Those days are over, l'm afraid.



   

                   

Don't worry, we'll knock him out.

He won't feel a thing.



   

                   

Excuse me.



   

                   

Should have brushed, pal.



   

                   

Bernie at the Hilton said



   

                   

the nights we play,

she's triples her tips.



   

                   

That's because there's Chivas.

And pearls, not polyester.



   

                   

l don't understand.



   

                   

-You're saying we should...

-Ask for a percentage of the bar.



   

                   

Mel Torme doesn't get

a percentage of the bar.



   

                   

Maybe he never asked.



   

                   

Are you hearing this?



   

                   

How much is she drawing?



   

                   

Well, two months ago

she was wearing a Timex,



   

                   

and now a Seiko.

The Hilton didn't put it there.



   

                   

You're not actually

listening to this, are you?



   

                   

-Jerry Stein books the Hilton?

-For   years!



   

                   

Forget about the bar.

We'd look like amateurs.



   

                   

But why not bump them

for an extra     up front?



   

                   

l don't like it.



   

                   

lt's not how we play the game.



   

                   

The game is changing.



   

                   

No, thanks. l never touch

American cigarettes.



   

                   

 .   a pack and l go through them!



   

                   

Paris Opals.



   

                   

 .   a pack.



   

                   

Know how much that is a piece?



   

                   

   cents.



   

                   

    and a half.



   

                   

l figured it out once.



   

                   

lf you stick it in your mouth,

it might as well be the best.



   

                   

Merry Christmas!



   

                   

What do you think?



   

                   

lt's me. l thought l'd

give the kids a thrill.



   

                   

Be bright and early Monday.

We got a long drive.



   

                   

Merry, merry.



   

                   

l don't know.



   

                   

lt's hard figuring you

and Egghead as brothers.



   

                   

The hospital might have

scrambled the babies.



   

                   

This is a last soul.



   

                   

Well, au revoir.



   

                   

Like a cup of coffee?



   

                   

Now? On Christmas Eve?



   

                   

No. lt gives me the shakes.



   

                   

l better go home, rest the pipes.



   

                   

Want me to walk you?



   

                   

No...thanks.



   

                   

Listen, you're not

going soft on me, are you?



   

                   

You won't start dreaming about me

and waking up all sweaty,



   

                   

and look at me like a princess

when l burp?



   

                   

Forget it.



   

                   

lt would be too creepy,

with us working together.



   

                   

Hurry. You're a nickel down

on your cigarette.



   

                   

Super Chief around the corner.



   

                   

Bathroom. Super Chief.

Around the corner.



   

                   

No, l left my dog here

this morning.



   

                   

Regular hours are   to  .



   

                   

l know. l was passing and

thought l'd drop by and see him.



   

                   

You can check on him,

tomorrow between   and  .



   

                   

l thought l could just...



   

                   

We are not

communicating here, are we?



   

                   

You want to know

if he's okay, right?



   

                   

Yeah.



   

                   

-Alright. Hold on.

-The name is Baker.



   

                   

Save it! What's he look like?



   

                   

Black. Lab.



   

                   

The dead ones are in the cold room.



   

                   

No, just a couple of poodles.



   

                   

l want my dog.



   

                   

-Listen, get out of here.

-No, you listen you little fuck.



   

                   

Off your ass, get my dog or l'll

stick the magazine down your throat.



   

                   

-We communicating now?

-Yeah, all right.



   

                   

Baker, right?



   

                   

How about a little light?



   

                   

Eddie!



   

                   

Forget it. He's still

circling the airport.



   

                   

l didn't know you were

coming home tonight.



   

                   

We sort of

skipped the paperwork.



   

                   

Besides, it's Christmas, right?



   

                   

Where's your ma tonight?



   

                   

Out with Bigfoot again?



   

                   

Did you play her the solo?



   

                   

Maybe tomorrow, she said.



   

                   

Just you and me again, huh?



   

                   

From Hurley's?



   

                   

Eighty proof.

Think you can handle it?



   

                   

Go easy now.



   

                   

Jack?



   

                   

Yeah?



   

                   

Can l stay here tonight?

Even if she comes home alone?



   

                   

Okay.



   

                   

He's seeing you off, right?



   

                   

Jack, this is not possible.



   

                   

We're playing a resort hotel.

You can't take a dog.



   

                   

lt's not possible.



   

                   

lt's possible.



   

                   

Get this.

Each room is an event.



   

                   

An excursion into

unprecedented luxury.



   

                   

Outside, the adventure continues

with your own private terrace.



   

                   

You don't think it

really looks like that, do you?



   

                   

There are pictures right here.



   

                   

Hear that, Jack? Pictures.



   

                   

Welcome to the road, Dorothy.

You're about to lose your virginity.



   

                   

Why, thank you.



   

                   

l'll see you boys inside.



   

                   

l took the right side of the closet.



   

                   

Since my bed's on the right,

l think it makes sense.



   

                   

-Right.

-We'll do the drawers the same.



   

                   

Unless you want the right.



   

                   

No, you take the right.



   

                   

Looks like Carmen Miranda

had an accident in my room.



   

                   

They must get a deal on these.



   

                   

What do you make of this?



   

                   

Kiwi.



   

                   

lt's got more hair than you, Frank.



   

                   

No peeking at tub time.



   

                   

What the hell is this?



   

                   

Do you hear this?



   

                   

l do now.



   

                   

Great! Before we play a note,

we're gonna get thrown out.



   

                   

So she's playing a little music.



   

                   

She's got the

Harry James Orchestra in there!



   

                   

Ellington.



   

                   

Frank!



   

                   

What?



   

                   

You're looking a little tense.



   

                   

Of course! lt's   AM and she's

going to wake up everyone!



   

                   

See?



   

                   

Massage?



   

                   

Down here, gorgeous.



   

                   

l figured you for jockeys.



   

                   

New socks?



   

                   

Mark my words.



   

                   

From this night forward,

our lives will never be the same.



   

                   

Frank, you get a lot of pop

out of two glasses of champagne.



   

                   

Long way from

''Hula Girl Hideaway'', eh?



   

                   

Remember?

Banana trees in the lobby.



   

                   

Takahama's Tahitian.



   

                   

Did we play there?



   

                   

-l thought we stopped for teriyaki.

-Three nights.



   

                   

lt's amazing. He can remember

ever place we ever played.



   

                   

The day, the month, the year,

how many shows, you name it.



   

                   

When was Takahama's?



   

                   

August '   .



   

                   

See? He's brilliant.

Really!



   

                   

Brilliant!



   

                   

Hey, Jack.



   

                   

You are brilliant.



   

                   

Thanks.



   

                   

lt's the same with music.

Should've seen him as a kid.



   

                   

Nobody could

ride the keys like Jack.



   

                   

Mrs. Simpson played

something once, and he had it.



   

                   

Really?



   

                   

l never won a single

blue ribbon until the day Jack



   

                   

showed up drunk

at spring recital and played



   

                   

''One O'clock Jump''

instead of ''Clare de Lune''.



   

                   

The mood just hit me.



   

                   

''Moonglow''.



   

                   

-''Moonglow''?

-High school. l couldn't dance.



   

                   

Jack did the box step

with me for a week.



   

                   

lt wasn't a week.



   

                   

-You two are that close?

-He paid me.



   

                   

lt was my first social with Donna.

We fell in love on the dance floor.



   

                   

l have a beautiful wife,

two beautiful children,



   

                   

all because of my brother.



   

                   

You overestimate the box step.



   

                   

lt was just like this,

on our honeymoon.



   

                   

The moon, the stars.



   

                   

Remember, Jack?



   

                   

l wasn't there.



   

                   

Right.



   

                   

My first solo gig.



   

                   

God, she was gorgeous.



   

                   

l couldn't believe she was mine.



   

                   

How come l got so lucky, Jack?



   

                   

You're a lucky guy.



   

                   

You know?



   

                   

l never kissed my wife

on New Year's Eve.



   

                   

l'm always on stage somewhere.



   

                   

l think l'm drunk.

You two dance.



   

                   

l'm gonna...



   

                   

go sit with the wallflowers.



   

                   

l'm not used to leading.



   

                   

Come on, give the girl a glide.



   

                   

No. l think your little brother

prefers to dance alone.



   

                   

No, thanks.



   

                   

l never touch French cigarettes.



   

                   

Your brother's a good dancer.



   

                   

Big heartbreaker.



   

                   

A couple of turns, that was it.



   

                   

Really?



   

                   

Got them right in the knees.



   

                   

Practically had to

carry the girls off the floor.



   

                   

Really?



   

                   

Have another drink, Frank.



   

                   

No, l'm sleepy.



   

                   

Go to sleep then.



   

                   

Alright.



   

                   

l think l just lost my chaperone.



   

                   

You're safe.



   

                   

So where do you keep

your blue ribbons, Mr. Baker?



   

                   

Frank keeps them.



   

                   

Nice night, huh?



   

                   

lt's quiet, it's like...



   

                   

the whole world is asleep.



   

                   

Careful.



   

                   

l had too much to drink.



   

                   

Champagne goes right to my head.



   

                   

-Maybe we should call it a night.

-Yeah.



   

                   

Miss Diamond!



   

                   

These just arrived for you.



   

                   

Looks like you have an admirer.



   

                   

There's no card.



   

                   

The gentleman said

he would be in contact with you.



   

                   

He's with the cat food convention.

l can have put them in water.



   

                   

No, that's alright.



   

                   

lt's nice.



   

                   

lt's nice.



   

                   

lt's been   years since

l've seen you without a cigarette.



   

                   

The whole room upstairs

smells like an ashtray.



   

                   

You know that? The sheets,



   

                   

the carpets, the drapes.

The towels, my tux, my shirt.



   

                   

Want to smell my shirt?



   

                   

Maybe later.



   

                   

l'm not kidding. Do you know

what an insidious habit that is?



   

                   

How many do you smoke a day?

Must be hundreds!



   

                   

This is just a wild stab,

but is something bothering you?



   

                   

Leave her alone.



   

                   

l mean it.



   

                   

This isn't a hatcheck girl you can

leave behind at the Sheraton.



   

                   

You've got two shows

a night with her.



   

                   

You don't know what you're saying.



   

                   

l know trouble,

and it's name starts with 'S'.



   

                   

Do me a favor, Frank.

Relax.



   

                   

Do me a favor, little brother.

Stick to cocktail waitresses.



   

                   

Meeting here each night,



   

                   

sharing these few moments,



   

                   

l feel as if we're becoming

one big happy family.



   

                   

The fine wine, the music...



   

                   

What's all this mean?

l don't know. Who's to say?



   

                   

All l can tell you is...



   

                   

it makes it very special

for us here...



   

                   

to have you out there.

Right, Susie?



   

                   

Right, Frank.



   

                   

Right, Jack?



   

                   

Right.



   

                   

But if l can add one more thing.



   

                   

l love you, Frank.



   

                   

What?



   

                   

l love you.



   

                   

l just wanted to say it.



   

                   

You came in late on

''Little Green Apples''.



   

                   

-Excuse me?

-You heard me.



   

                   

No, Frank.

You came in early.



   

                   

-You have flor the past decade.

-l never missed a beat.



   

                   

l never miss the beat!



   

                   

That's because you make it up.



   

                   

Take it back.



   

                   

Take it back?

What's this, the  rd grade?



   

                   

Take it back!



   

                   

Take a kiwi, Frank.



   

                   

Go to bed, Frank,

or this will get ugly.



   

                   

-Yeah?

-Yeah, come on.



   

                   

lt's the fucking Newlywed Game.



   

                   

-You hit me.

- told you l was gong to.



   

                   

Hello? Yeah.



   

                   

No, this is    -B.



   

                   

Mr. Baker is in    -A.



   

                   

Urgent.



   

                   

No, never mind. l'll get him.



   

                   

We made a deal.



   

                   

Training wheels flor a month,

then we would see.



   

                   

He ran into somebody's car?



   

                   

Mrs. Ramadino's station wagon.



   

                   

lt was parked on the street.



   

                   

Got a pencil?

Pencil anybody?



   

                   

Here.



   

                   

l want you to take down

the New Year show.



   

                   

   o'clock you start with

''Thanks for the Memories''.



   

                   

-Then you segue into...

-''Happy Days Are Here Again''.



   

                   

-l know the show.

-Then the song from Camelot.



   

                   

Don't hesitate to call.



   

                   

Come on.



   

                   

Any word from Egghead?



   

                   

l saved you the crossword.



   

                   

Thanks.



   

                   

Well, happy reading.



   

                   

Hear anything yet?



   

                   

Not a peep.



   

                   

l'm going to take a bath.



   

                   

Yeah?



   

                   

lt's Frank.



   

                   

So how's little Frank?



   

                   

Good. That's a relief.



   

                   

No, l understand.

Call me when you have time.



   

                   

What are you doing?



   

                   

We're taking a bath.



   

                   

l mean...



   

                   

Susie's taking a bath.

l'm doing the crossword puzzle.



   

                   

Okay.



   

                   

Bye.



   

                   

Kid's in the pink.



   

                   

Good.



   

                   

Boys and girls,

find a friend. This is it!



   

                   

Ten, nine, eight, seven...



   

                   

six, five, four, three...



   

                   

two, one...



   

                   

So...



   

                   

make any resolutions?



   

                   

No. You?



   

                   

No. l figure that stuff

is a bunch of crap anyway.



   

                   

-You do what you do, right?

-That's right.



   

                   

Old Egghead would've blown

a gasket seeing us here tonight!



   

                   

You're good, aren't you?



   

                   

l can carry a tune.



   

                   

You're better than that.



   

                   

l saw you guys once.



   

                   

You and Frank.



   

                   

At the Roosevelt.



   

                   

Must've been a cheap date.



   

                   

Soap convention.



   

                   

Soap?



   

                   

Yeah, they got

a convention for everything.



   

                   

The guy was some

big roller in suds.



   

                   

At least he was clean.

Some guys you wouldn't believe.



   

                   

The older ones,

they weren't so bad.



   

                   

Nice. Polite.



   

                   

Pulled you chair out for you.



   

                   

But the younger ones...



   

                   

lt wasn't so bad.

l'd get a nice piece of steak,



   

                   

flowers, sometimes even a gift.



   

                   

Usually whatever the guy was into.



   

                   

l got a set of

socket wrenches once.



   

                   

Guy looked at me like

he'd given me   dozen roses.



   

                   

But l stayed at

the Hartford one time.



   

                   

You should see the rooms.

All satin and velvet.



   

                   

And the bed...



   

                   

royal blue, trimmed in lace

clean as snow.



   

                   

Hard to believe a room like that

don't change your life.



   

                   

But it don't.



   

                   

The bed may be magic,



   

                   

but the mirror isn't.



   

                   

Still wake up the same old Susie.



   

                   

l didn't always.



   

                   

You know, l mean...



   

                   

if l liked the guy.



   

                   

l never liked

the Hartford much myself.



   

                   

My neck, it's so tight.



   

                   

Usually singing relaxes me.



   

                   

But tonight...



   

                   

Thanks.



   

                   

You'd make a hell of a fireman,

you know that?



   

                   

Do you practice that at home

with a stopwatch?



   

                   

l didn't want to wake you.



   

                   

l'm an early riser.



   

                   

l didn't expect you to

buy be a corsage this morning.



   

                   

Your high school ring is safe.



   

                   

Shit!



   

                   

Shit!



   

                   

That takes care of

the week of the  th.



   

                   

After that, we got the Avedon

or the Plaza,   day turn.



   

                   

What do you think, Jack?



   

                   

You with me, Jack?



   

                   

The Avedon's a dump.



   

                   

There's no cover, no minimum.

They water their drinks.



   

                   

Strictly the Fuller Brush crowd.



   

                   

lt's not that bad. Besides,

Blacky Carson books the Avedon.



   

                   

He's always been good to us.



   

                   

-He hasn't been that good.

-Okay, we'll take the Plaza.



   

                   

-Then the Capri flor   days.

-Not the Luau Lounge again.



   

                   

What the matter?

They don't salt their peanuts?



   

                   

Singing ''Feelings'',

knee-deep in paper orchids



   

                   

and plastic Tiki lamps



   

                   

is not my idea

of a fun evening.



   

                   

Fun? Who promised you fun?

We get paid, remember?



   

                   

l'm saying,

maybe we should vote on it.



   

                   

Maybe we should ask Jack

what he thinks.



   

                   

l don't have to.

l know what he thinks.



   

                   

lt's   days, the money's green.

We're there.



   

                   

Speaking about ''Feelings'',

you might brush up on the lyrics.



   

                   

The other night,

you sang the first verse twice.



   

                   

Really?



   

                   

That explains the gasps

l heard from the audience.



   

                   

We trashed the Avedon, the Luau.

What's your beef with ''Feelings''?



   

                   

Nothing.



   

                   

Except, who cares?



   

                   

Does anybody really

need to hear ''Feelings''



   

                   

again in a lifetime?



   

                   

lt's like parsley.



   

                   

Take it away,

nobody knows the difference.



   

                   

''Feelings'' isn't parsley.



   

                   

To you, ''Feelings''

may be filet mignon.



   

                   

To me, it's parsley.

Less than parsley.



   

                   

Look, ''Feelings'',

despite what you think ofl it,



   

                   

is always a bright moment

and a crowd-pleaser.



   

                   

Consequently, we have

an obligation to perform it.



   

                   

The audience would be disappointed.



   

                   

They weren't crying

on New Year's Eve.



   

                   

You passed over ''Feelings''?



   

                   

Yeah.



   

                   

And...



   

                   

''Bali Hai'' went out

with the bath water, too.



   

                   

l see.



   

                   

The cat goes away and the mice

take over the orchestra.



   

                   

Hey,



   

                   

l ain't no mouse.



   

                   

That's right. You're parsley.



   

                   

This food's been sitting here

too long. lt's making me sick.



   

                   

Why don't you loosen the leash?



   

                   

Let's not let a whiff of perfume

blow off    years. Be reasonable.



   

                   

l play     nights a year with you.

ls that reasonable enough?



   

                   

Can l have a double vodka, please?



   

                   

l was in the neighborhood.



   

                   

Listen, don't get nervous.

l just came by to...



   

                   

talk.



   

                   

l guess you found him, huh?



   

                   

Yeah.



   

                   

l came to walk Eddie.



   

                   

Come.



   

                   

Terry's Tap Room.



   

                   

First gig we ever played.



   

                   

The owner gave us that bottle,

but wouldn't open it.



   

                   

How come?



   

                   

Told us to save it.



   

                   

He said someday it would

soften the edges of the bad times.



   

                   

And make the good ones

seem even better.



   

                   

We should've drunk it before

we played Terry's Tap Room.



   

                   

Want some coffee?



   

                   

You want to leave?



   

                   

Listen.



   

                   

The reason l came last night is...



   

                   

l'm thinking about leaving.



   

                   

The act.



   

                   

l met this guy

at New Year's at the Hotel.



   

                   

And he liked my voice.



   

                   

He thinks l can sell

cat food just by singing about it.



   

                   

lt's crazy, huh?



   

                   

Take it.



   

                   

l haven't decided yet.

l'm just thinking about it.



   

                   

No, take it.



   

                   

How long have you been

taking care of the kid upstairs?



   

                   

l don't take care ofl her.



   

                   

Didn't look that way to me.



   

                   

What's the difference?



   

                   

Anyway, l know Frank

has us booked through March.



   

                   

Don't worry about Frank.



   

                   

What about you?



   

                   

What's that to do with anything?



   

                   

Nothing. l don't want to

leave you guys with an empty mike.



   

                   

There's always another girl.



   

                   

Right.



   

                   

Thanks for the advice.



   

                   

l'll think it over.



   

                   

l told Frank l'm quitting.



   

                   

Congratulations.



   

                   

As of now.



   

                   

lf you need a recommendation,

you let me know.



   

                   

Jesus you're cold! You know that?



   

                   

You are like

a fucking razor blade.



   

                   

Careful, you'll have me thinking

you're going soft on me.



   

                   

You don't give a fuck, do you?

About anything.



   

                   

What do you want from me?

To tell you to stay?



   

                   

Beg on my knees for you to

save the Baker Boys from doom?



   

                   

Forget it, sweetheart.



   

                   

We survived for    years

before you strutted on the scene.



   

                   

Two seconds and you're

bawling like a baby.



   

                   

You should be wearing

a diaper, not a dress.



   

                   

You and he are brothers, aren't you?



   

                   

Let me tell you something.



   

                   

They've dropped like flies.

We're still here!



   

                   

We've never held

a day job in our lives.



   

                   

He's an easy target,

but add it up, he's done fine.



   

                   

Yeah, Frank has done great.



   

                   

He has the wife, kids,

little house in the suburbs.



   

                   

While his brother lives

a shitty apartment with a sick dog,



   

                   

Little Orphan Annie and a chip

on his shoulder size of a Cadillac.



   

                   

Listen, Princess.

We fucked twice, that's it.



   

                   

Once the sweat dries,

you still know shit about me.



   

                   

l know one thing.

While Frank put his kids to bed,



   

                   

little brother Jack

was dusting off his dreams.



   

                   

l was there.



   

                   

l saw it in your face.



   

                   

You're full of shit.

You're a fake.



   

                   

Every time you walk in those places,



   

                   

you're selling yourself cheap.



   

                   

l know all about that.

l find myself at the end of the night



   

                   

with some creep,

and l tell myself it doesn't matter.



   

                   

You kid yourself you've got

this empty place inside to put it.



   

                   

But do it long enough

and all you are is empty.



   

                   

l didn't know whores

were so philosophical.



   

                   

At least

my brother's not my pimp.



   

                   

l had you pegged for a loser

the first time l saw you.



   

                   

But you're worse.



   

                   

You're a coward.



   

                   

My name is Frank Baker



   

                   

and you know my brother Jack.



   

                   

My brother and l have been

playing together for...



   

                   

l don't know.



   

                   

Jack?



   

                   

   years.



   

                   

But of course, back then...



   

                   

it was a little different.



   

                   

We were just kids.



   

                   

The only one who'd listen to us

was the family cat, Cecil.



   

                   

We must've shaved

two lives off that cat, huh?



   

                   

Sorry.



   

                   

We're not getting paid then.



   

                   

l told you, it's a telethon.

No one gets a cent.



   

                   

What's it for?



   

                   

l don't know, some disease.



   

                   

What channel is it on?



   

                   

   .



   

                   

   ? What is   ?



   

                   

A channel, just a little further

down the dial. lt's publicity.



   

                   

Publicity's publicity, right?



   

                   

Right.



   

                   

l'll see when we're on.



   

                   

What's wrong with the kid.



   

                   

Tore his knee playing St Joseph's

just before the accident.



   

                   

Accident?



   

                   

The fire.



   

                   

Rate we're going, we'll be lucky

to buy jockstraps, let alone a gym.



   

                   

Earl the pearl!



   

                   

We're on after Mr. Basketball.



   

                   

-Are you fucking kidding me?

-What?



   

                   

We're playing for

a God damn gymnasium.



   

                   

Let's hear it for Jimmy Marshall.



   

                   

Most of you know

Jimmy twisted that knee



   

                   

trying to win one for

good old Lahuga High this year.



   

                   

Luckily, the doctors tell us that

Jimmy will play next season.



   

                   

That's where you come in.

Pick up the phone. Make a donation.



   

                   

Keep our kids off the street

and into the gym.



   

                   

All right!



   

                   

Get your fucking hands off me.



   

                   

We are pleased to have



   

                   

two of the most respected men

in the musical entertainment field.



   

                   

The Fabulous Bunker Boys!



   

                   

Come on, you guys.



   

                   

Nice suits, fellas.



   

                   

A lot of amateur musicians

will wanna rap with these guys,



   

                   

and as soon as they're finished,

they'll be manning the phones.



   

                   

All right.



   

                   

What are we waiting for?

Take it away, guys.



   

                   

We know what that means.

Time to turn the big board over.



   

                   

l'm afraid you guys

will have to wait a few minutes.



   

                   

Jack!



   

                   

l don't know about you,

but l sense electricity in the air.



   

                   

Alright, what do you think?



   

                   

Okay, let's do it.



   

                   

Play some music!



   

                   

Go fuck yourself, bud.



   

                   

Who the hell do you

think you are, Liberace?



   

                   

Are you okay?



   

                   

We just passed the car, Jack.



   

                   

Where the hell are you going?

You going to talk to me?



   

                   

Or is this

Jack's famous silent act?



   

                   

lt was for publicity, understand?



   

                   

-Publicity!

-Are you a fucking moron?



   

                   

lt's three in the morning.

Who's watching, paper boys?



   

                   

l didn't know when

we were on till yesterday.



   

                   

-Basketballs.

-Okay.



   

                   

You had us playing

for basketballs.



   

                   

l screwed up, but that

you don't walk out on a gig.



   

                   

What?



   

                   

lt wasn't professional, Jack.



   

                   

What's happened to you?

Now you like kissing ass?



   

                   

You let that guy

turn us into clowns tonight.



   

                   

We were always small time.

We were never clowns.



   

                   

What's happened to your dignity.



   

                   

Who the hell are you

to talk about dignity?



   

                   

This where you get your dignity?



   

                   

Let's do it straight for once.



   

                   

l want to explain something

to you, little brother.



   

                   

There are people in this world

who depend on me.



   

                   

l got a wife and kids

who expect to wake up



   

                   

with food on the table

and heat in the house.



   

                   

l got a mortgage.

l got car payments.



   

                   

And l got you,

my little brother Jack.



   

                   

He's so hip, so cool and sure

that he's better than everyone.



   

                   

Don't you think l'd like to

walk up to one of those assholes



   

                   

and blow smoke in his face?



   

                   

God damn right l would!



   

                   

But l can't.

l have to be responsible.



   

                   

l have to make the numbers

balance in my favor every month



   

                   

so everyone else can

go on living their lives.



   

                   

There's no medals but you'd notice

if l closed up shop.



   

                   

Don't talk to me about dignity.

You're playing a weak hand.



   

                   

Terrific! Walk away.



   

                   

You're good at that, Jack.



   

                   

You never commit to anything.

Even a conversation.



   

                   

ls that what that was?



   

                   

Felt like a speech to me.



   

                   

Next time,

save it for the PTA.



   

                   

You couldn't keep

your cock in your pocket.



   

                   

Who l fuck...



   

                   

and who l don't fuck

is none of your fucking business.



   

                   

lt is when it effects my business.



   

                   

-Your business?

-Yeah.



   

                   

lt exists because of me.



   

                   

You?



   

                   

l make the calendar.

l pay the expenses.



   

                   

Christ, l even make sure

your shoes are shined.



   

                   

What do you do?



   

                   

You show up for a couple of hours

a night and smoke cigarettes.



   

                   

lf somebody requested ''Chopsticks''

you'd ask for the sheet music.



   

                   

lf not for me, you'd be playing

for dimes from the back of a truck.



   

                   

Yeah, you're a real pro, Frank.



   

                   

You did a bang up job:



   

                   

you had them paying us

not to play!



   

                   

That's fucking genius.



   

                   

Asshole, what are you doing?



   

                   

What the fuck are you doing?



   

                   

That is it!



   

                   

Jack!



   

                   

Fucking little brother

beat the shit out of you, huh?



   

                   

Jack, my hand!



   

                   

l'm through.

l can't do it anymore.



   

                   

You're one of those

Fabulous guys.



   

                   

-l remember.

-l don't remember.



   

                   

You can't kid me.

l see you here every night.



   

                   

That's why l took the job.



   

                   

l come in, l see you and

your brother's faces hanging there,



   

                   

l figured it was a sign.



   

                   

Like destiny.



   

                   

How are you doing, Monica?



   

                   

Well, only it's Blanche here.



   

                   

Don't touch that.



   

                   

That's three hours cold.



   

                   

l've been standing over here

waiting for you to wake up.



   

                   

Finally l figured maybe

you had an appointment.



   

                   

Here you go.



   

                   

Boy, it's weird, huh?



   

                   

You meet someone, think you'll

never see them again...



   

                   

Guess you got

caught in the rain, huh?



   

                   

Yeah, l got caught in the rain.



   

                   

What time do you punch out?



   

                   

What?



   

                   

What time do you punch out?



   

                   

You're my last ticket.



   

                   

Button up on the way home, Blanche.



   

                   

lt's cold out there.



   

                   

Hi, Jack.



   

                   

l took Eddie out.



   

                   

Be sure to take that tux in.

l can drop it off this afternoon.



   

                   

Will you stop that, please?



   

                   

Want me to make some coffee?



   

                   

How about l make some eggs?



   

                   

Knock if off with that thing.



   

                   

You're driving me nuts.



   

                   

Jack, you want eggs?

Jack, you want coffee?



   

                   

l can't baby-sit you every time

your mama gets an itch.



   

                   

What are you looking at?



   

                   

You're having a bad day, right?



   

                   

Right.



   

                   

lt's okay.



   

                   

My mom had a lot of those.

Sometimes that's why l came down.



   

                   

What do you say...



   

                   

we go over to the Empire

and grab a couple of Coneys?



   

                   

l can't. l'm going to

the zoo with Howard.



   

                   

Howard?



    

                   

Mom says l can't call him

Bigfoot anymore.



    

                   

l think he's early.



    

                   

Teach you later?



    

                   

You gonna play ''Jingle Bells''

the rest of your life?



    

                   

l have Tuesdays

and Thursdays open.



    

                   

They're yours if you want them.



    

                   

-Everything goes. That the idea?

-No,...



    

                   

l'm just getting too old

for trophy dens.



    

                   

Anyway, it's a good place

for a workshop.



    

                   

Workshop?



    

                   

Yeah, workshop.



    

                   

Hammers and saws and...



    

                   

-...things like that.

-Let's cut the bullshit.



    

                   

You came here

to talk business, right?



    

                   

We'll put the other night behind us.



    

                   

ln a couple of weeks,

it'll be the same. Now you can go.



    

                   

l'm not coming back, Frank.



    

                   

Then what's there to talk about?



    

                   

Frank.



    

                   

Listen.



    

                   

lt's not you, understand?

lt's me.



    

                   

l sit in the fucking Hilton

or the Sheraton



    

                   

practically every night of my life.



    

                   

And the moment l get on stage,

l can't wait flor it to end.



    

                   

We play the same songs

the same way every night.



    

                   

l just can't do it anymore.



    

                   

l've been lying

to myself long enough.



    

                   

You see anything you want, take it.



    

                   

Okay if l take this?



    

                   

Come on, Frank. l'm trying.



    

                   

How's your hand?



    

                   

My hand is fine.

Don't worry about me.



    

                   

l don't need this any more than you.



    

                   

l can make just as much

teaching ''Camptown Races''



    

                   

to snotty kids in the neighborhood.



    

                   

Don't fool yourself.



    

                   

Open it.



    

                   

Open the fucking bottle.



    

                   

Let's see what we got here.



    

                   

We got the airport Ramada.



    

                   

The Travel Lodge on    .



    

                   

And we got...



    

                   

the Mallory.



    

                   

l'll take the Mallory.



    

                   

Forget it. l want the Mallory.

You take the Travel Lodge.



    

                   

Not bad!



    

                   

When was the last time

we played the Mallory?



    

                   

'   November.



    

                   

lt was someone's birthday.

Hallorin?



    

                   

His daughter, sweet sixteen.



    

                   

How could l forget?



    

                   

What a nightmare.



    

                   

She asked for it.



    

                   

l told Howard we didn't

do vocals and he said:



    

                   

''What my Sissie wants,



    

                   

my Sissie gets''.



    

                   

She got it alright.



    

                   

You're risking your life.



    

                   

You got a gun?



    

                   

Car you're leaning on belongs to

a light heavyweight with attitude.



    

                   

l'll take my chances.



    

                   

You look good.



    

                   

You look like shit.



    

                   

No, l mean it. You look good.



    

                   

l mean it, too.

You look like shit.



    

                   

So how's the cat food business?



    

                   

Terrific.

l'm doing vegetables now.



    

                   

What kind?



    

                   

Carrots,



    

                   

peas.



    

                   

None of the important ones.



    

                   

You know...



    

                   

the other night...



    

                   

l was out of line.



    

                   

No, l was out of line.



    

                   

Well...



    

                   

l was kind of rough on Egghead.



    

                   

lt beats the hell out of me,

but l kind of miss him.



    

                   

Well...



    

                   

he grows on you,

after a while.



    

                   

So, did you find another girl?



    

                   

l didn't look.



    

                   

Well...



    

                   

l'm going to be late.



    

                   

Peas, peas,

Try our peas.



    

                   

Our peas are a delicacy.



    

                   

From ''Strangers in the Night''

to that.



    

                   

Funny world.



    

                   

Well... bye, Baker.



    

                   

Am l going to see you again?



    

                   

What do you think?



    

                   

Yeah,



    

                   

l think l am going to see you again.



    

                   

lntuition.











  

 
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