Faces Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Faces script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the John Cassavetes movie with Gena Rowlands.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Faces. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Faces Script





- Anyone inside?

- Not yet, sir.



- Good morning, Mr. Forst.

- Good morning, Mr. Forst.



Good morning, Mr. Forst.



- I have some correspondence

and some papers for you to sign.

- Don't bother me with that stuff.



- Would you like some coffee?

- No.



- You look lousy.

- You're not in a good mood? 



- Anything I can do for you?

- I'll give you a list of my maladies.



You better give me a cup of coffee.

I don't want to yawn in Mrs. Miniver's face.



- Yes, sir.

- Hmm?



[No Audible Dialogue]



- Here you are.

- Will you take this thing out of my mouth?



- Okay.

- Thanks.



- Good morning.

- [All] Good morning, Miss Whiteford.



Hello, Nita.

How'd they get you out of bed?



Aw, shut up.



Harry. Oh, you know Harry Selfrine.



[Forst] Do I know Harry Selfrine?

Do I know Harry.



Good morning.



- Jim Mortensen.

- [Whiteford] Nice boy. 



Kazmier, Edward.



Do you know Richard Forst, our manager?



Hello, darling. Lang. L-A-N-G.

How are you, dear?

[Kisses Hand]



- Good morning, Mr. Draper.

- [Whiteford] All right. 



When I was a kid,

we used to play a game called...



"Your mother wears army shoes."



I'm not your mother.

Sit down.



- [Laughing]

- Do you know Frederick P. Draper?



Thank you, Emily Dickinson.



- Here you are.

- Thank you very much.



Thank you.



What are you gonna

sell us this time, Harry?






- Actually, it's a very good film.

- We call it the, uh...



Dolce vita

of the commercial field.



- Is that so?

- I don't mean to insinuate it's a crude film.



We were trying to capture

several approaches.



- WhatJim means is that we really...

- No, no. That's not what I mean at all.



We were talking facts and figures

until we practically went out of our minds.



Losses, gains, ratings, schmatings. 



You can lose your mind

if you keep analyzing things like that. 



Then we came up with

an impressionistic document that shocks.



- Is that so?

- I don't think it so much shocks as it's honest.



It's honest,

but it's a good piece in itself.



So, you see, we're a... a little nervous

about hitting you with this.



Oh, now, they've got nothing

to be nervous about.



It's a shot in the dark,

but it's strong and it's attractive. 



It better be

better than the last one, Harry.



I think I'll loan you my sleeping pills.



You know, I have insomnia...



and I stay awake all night looking at pictures,

worrying about pictures.



I walk all over the place.



- Let's see it,J.P.

- I'd rather hear 'em talk about it again.



- [Man] We'll talk about it later.

- [Forst]J.P. 



All right, Arnold. Roll it.



[Man Making Kissing Sound]



[Man] You're after my money, huh?

[Makes Kissing Sound]






You're not gonna drink this?

Too bad.



- Never let good liquor go to waste.

  Never let it go to waste  

- Oh.! 



  Never let it   

Ida. Ida, I adore you.



Never let good liquor go to waste. 



- Arrivederci.! Ciao.!

- [Man] Go on. Beat it. 



- "Scusa pleasa." Bye-bye.

- [Man] So long, sucker. 



I'll drive. I'll drive.

Give me the keys. Give me the keys.



Give me the keys.

I'll drive.



[Man Humming]



[Glove Compartment Opens]



[Engine Starts]










Don't make any noise, Jeannie. Here, Freddie.



- [Yells]

- No, no, Freddie.



- Drink, drink, drink.

- Freddie.



- [Jeannie] Shh, shh.

- Drink, drink, drink, drink.



- Come on.

- No, I don't care if we wake 'em.

We'll get 'em all a drink.



Let everybody come in and have a drink.




- [Chimes Jingle, Door Bangs]

- Shh. Shh, shh, shh.



- Shh. Shh.

- Ha!



-   I got drunk tonight  

- Shh!



   [Muffled Singing]



  I got drunk tonight

like I never got drunk before  



 When I'm drunk I'm happy as can be  



  I am a member of the souse family  



 The souse family is the best family  



 That ever came over

from old Germany   






Oh. Oh, boy.



- [Knocking]

- [Jabbering]



- Shh!

- Ah!



  Deck the halls with boughs of holly  



  Fa, la, la, la, la

la, la, la, la  



- What are you doing?

-   'Tis the season to bejolly  



 Fa, la, la, la, la

la, la, la, la  



 Troll the ancient yuletide carols  



-   Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la   

- [Forst Laughing]

What the hell are we doing here?






[Jeannie Sighs]



There's just...

All of a sudden...



we just joined the clan

of l-don't-give-a-damners.



Wake up, and have a good time before

the bad fairy comes and makes it midnight!



Say, listen. If there's anything

I can't stand, it's a bad fairy.



What the hell do you know

about Cinderella?



Look, now. Sit down.

I wanna tell you something.



Just sit down. Sit down.



Don't let this sophisticated

exterior fool you.



I believe in Aesop's Fables

and Walt Disney.



All right, Freddie.

Okay. All right. 



"All right" my left eyeball.



We met at a bar.



- Right, Jeannie?

- Right.



And it was love at first sight.

Right, Jeannie?



- Right.

- We were thrown out by Morey.



But we had laughs.



- Right?

- Right!



Shut up. Who asked ya?






I think...



Forst is a holier-than-thou.



- I am not.

- Who asked ya? Now, cool it.



You go to a psychiatrist,

don't you, Dickie?



- No, I don't.

- Well, you look Freudian. 



- I never even met a psychiatrist.

- He looks like Sigmund.



- Yes, he does.!

- [Freddie Laughs]



Do you know that Freud said if you go

to the bathroom, it's supposed to be sexy? 



Oh! Oh! Oh!



Sick, sick, sick, sick! Sick!



[Freddie Laughing]



Come on, now.

Wait a minute.



Wait a minute!

What the hell are we talking about?



- [Jeannie] Who cares?

- Who cares?



Yeah. For a minute or two we act stupid.

We have a good time.



Who does it hurt? I mean,

who makes up the rules anyway?



I mean, always play it cool,

always put everybody down.



Standing in a corner looking out the side

of your eye, see if anybody's lookin' at ya.



- Listen. Hell, fellas. I'm   ...

- [Forst] Uh-oh.! Uh-oh.! 



I'm    years old,

and it's time for me to forget myself, right?







- Down with the middle class!

- Right.



- Down with the white-collar workers!

- Down, down, down.! 



- Down, down with the...

- I'll give you the swiftest pain in the behind

that was ever invented!



Down with the, uh, uh,

lecturers and do-gooders.



- You know who I hate?

- Down with squealers.



- On television.!

- I hate cheap people.



Down with hospitals that keep people

waiting until they get paid. 



- Right.

- Some hospitals are okay.



Down with hospitals!



- Don't bully me!

- Don't bully her.! 



- You shut up.

- Down with gossip columns.




And to hell with politics. It stinks.! 



Kill the finks for something!



Down with Sunday schools!





I like Sunday schools. 



- [Cackling]

- Hey, I got one.



- [Forst] What is it?

- Down with friendship. I think it's phony.







Oh, wait a minute. You don't know

what you're talking about.



Fr-Friendship... Friendship is a tradition.

Friendship is useful.



- Dickie, I got the most terrible friends.

- I don't care. 



- Sometimes you need a friend.

- So buy a dog!



Oh, I'm talkin' about us, stupid!

Why are you so stupid?



You know how long

I know this jerk?



- Well, Dickie, he's just... Dickie.

- No, no, no.



- I'm not one of these guys who has a few...

- I know.



- Ah, he didn't mean it.

- Oh. There he is.



- Come on out, and to hell

with the family and responsibilities.

- That's right.



Come on. Let's ball it up, old buddy.

We don't even know each other.



I'm talking about

somebody deep down.! 



- That's right. That's right.

- I'm talk...



He's gonna cry.

Do something. Freddie!




I'm talking about something...



[Mimicking Sobs]



Oh, Dickie, Dickie, Dickie.



Hi, ho, Silver, away!



Get 'em up, Scout!

The Lone Ranger rides again.



Masked bandits. Get 'em, Tonto!

[Mimics Gunfire]



Aaah! Aaah!



Aaah! My hand!



Oh, and I shot your hand.

That's a silver bullet. 



Hi, ho, Silver, away!



Hey, Jeannie.

Hey, Jeannie.



Did you hear the one...




about the goose that

went down into the subway...



and got peopled to death?



Oh, isn't that...



Listen, do you know

that Dickie and I...



  Used to do routines in college  




Oh, boy!



- Hey, Freddie.

- Remember that time

we auditioned for the nightclub?



Ah, it closed! Hey, Freddie, let's do

one of our routines forJeannie, eh?



Come on.

Come on. Let's do it.



- Well, come on!

- [Laughs]



It wasn't funny then, buddy,

and a hundred years wouldn't change it.



Listen, Freddie, after what I saw on television,

I'm not ashamed of any of our routines.



- Now, come on. Come on.

- Come on. I do want to see it. 



- Come on!

- All right! Let's do it.



- Come on, you crazy, shy son of a bitch.

- Go ahead. 



Up on your feet.



Come on.

Come on! Come on!



- She doesn't want to see it.

- Come on! I'll do that goddamn routine!



- No. To hell with ya.

- Come on! Hey, listen. Get this.



Ladies and gentlemen,

the great Siegfried!



- Yea! Yea!

-    [Mimics Trumpet Flourish]



Bow! Bow, will ya! Bow!



Aw, come on, Dickie! Bow!



Oh, phooey!

Phooey, phooey, phooey!



He spoiled the whole goddamn act.



When the drumroll begins,

he's supposed to bow.



All right, you big chickens.

I'll do mine.



- Okay, you ready? Listen.

- I'm ready!



Neither one of you's

a communist, are you?



- Well, uh...

- Oh, I don't care.



I made this up.

All right?



[With Russian Accent]

 There's a  



  Moscow theater

where the Reds love to go  



 To see Sonia the cutie

of the burleskovitch show  



 All the Commies love her stripping

to the very last man  



 They claim it's even better

than the Five-Year Plan  



 Take it off

Take it off  



  Da-da, da-da  



-  Take it off, take it off  

-    [Freddie Vocalizing]



 Take it off

Take it off  



  But she didn't join the fun   



- [All Laughing]

- [Freddie] Whee!



[Jeannie Sighing]

Oh! Oh! Oh!



- Come on, Dickie. Come on.

- What?



Now, listen. Get the picture.



- Stand up there.

- This is a fine...



- This is a fine impression

we'll make with the lady, huh?

- Stand up there!



- "Stand up there."

- Listen. Get the picture.



- We...

- Boy, this is ridiculous.



- Look, I'm gonna... We're gonna do it

if my heart doesn't give out.

- All right.



Are you ready?

Now, get the picture.



Pinpoint spot.

[Makes Whooshing Sound]



- I got the picture. I got it.

- Got it? 



- Achtung.!

- Achtung.! 



- Right turn!

- Right turn!



- Right turn!

- [Yelling] Shoulders back!



- Back!

- [Yells]



- [Yells]

- [Yells]













- Attention.

- Attenzione.! 









And I'm supposed to act like...

like it's all a big mistake.



- It's wonderful. You're wonderful.

- [Freddie] Ooh, Jeannie.



You're great.



And now...



And now, if you'll excuse me...



I'm going into the boudoir to change

into something more comfortable.



Don't worry. You shall feel

many guilts but remain pure.






Oh. My heart.



It's beating.



- I'm so excited.

- Shit!






What are we doin' on our knees?






What is the matter with you?






She's gonna change!



Ooh, Dickie. Remember when we didn't

have to worry about our wives and kids?



Oh, God!












Remember when we had

our own apartment...



and all the girls would

come up and see us?



And they'd mix drinks for us,

and they would cook us anything we wanted...



and then they'd give us their money

and go to bed with us.



- Don't you remember?

- It never happened.



Of course it did. Don't you remember

Connie and Julie and what the hell's her name?



- The one with the...

- I don't know.



Oh, my God, Dickie! You're getting old

and gray, and I'm getting fat and gray.



What the hell's she doing in there?



  I dream  



  OfJeannie with the light brown hair  



  I dream ofJeannie

with the light brown hair  



  I dream ofJeannie

with the light brown hair, hey  



  Hey, I dream ofJeannie

with the light brown hair, hey  



  I dream ofJeannie

with the light brown hair  



  I dream ofJeannie

with the light brown hair  



  I dream ofJeannie

with the light brown hair  



  I dream ofJeannie

with the light brown hair  



  I dream ofJeannie

with the light brown hair, hey, hey  



  I dream ofJeannie

with the light brown hair  



  I dream ofJeannie

with the light brown hair  



  [Both Mumbling]



  Light brown hair  



  I dream of Freddie

with the light brown hair  



  I dream ofJeannie  



 With the light brown hair  



   [All Humming]



  I dream ofJeannie with the  



  I dream of Dickie with the silver hair  



  I dream ofJeannie

with the light brown hair  



  I dream ofJeannie  




  Light brown hair  



  I dream  




Sing it, Dickie.



Hey, uh...



   [Jeannie Humming]



   [Forst Humming]



  I dream ofJeannie  



 With the light brown hair  



  Borne like a vapor  






  I dream  




with her light brown hair  



   [Both Humming]



By the way, Jeannie,

what do you charge?



  I dream ofJeannie  



 With the light   



Oh, Freddie.



Aw, Freddie.

Aw, no, Freddie.



Don't spoil it, Freddie. Please.



Spoil what?



Honey, I'm game for anything.



I just want to know

how much you charge.



It's legitimate, isn't it?



I know I have to pay. 



I'm not too schooled

in these things...



but I know somewhere along the line, your

little hand's gonna find its way into my pocket.



You're shocked, aren't you,

old Dickie, old pal?



What do you think she is? You think she's

some clean towel that's never been used?




My God, Dickie. You think you don't pay? 



How many times a week

does Maria ask you for some money? 



Money, Charlie, is a necessity. And don't you think

that you don't work for it and pay for it.



My God, wait.

What is this?



He thinks I'm insulting you.

I'm offering you.



Hell, look!



What's the matter?



If I went to one of

those fancy restaurants...



I'd probably tip the headwaiter,

the waiter, the busboy...



and a hundred bucks

goes flying down the drain.



And I couldn't have any more fun

than I could with Jeannie here.



- Let go of my girl.

- Dickie, wait. Please.



Please. Please. Please.



Don't be shocked.



It's like this.

Fred is a very sad man.



- Now, you...

- Will you let me finish!



Because you're a man

who doesn't say what you mean very well.



What you meant was this was a wonderful evening,

and you enjoy my house and you like me.



But like you said, you're crude.



I'm sorry.

Honey, I was only tryin' to be funny.



- I thought you said you were trying to be funny.

- Well, you go with your...



You go!

If you're in such a damned hurry.



My reputation's at stake here!






Good night.



Good night, Jeannie.




I'm sorry.



I don't know how you do it.



Well, I just...



I just close my eyes, and I...



I see how much liquor I can swallow.

[Blows Nose]




I pray that I'll die and be... 



martyred by the church

for my service to humanity.



You're a lovely girl.



I'm too old to be lovely.



And I haven't got a heart of gold.



The nights are long, and Little Orphan Annie

of Hard Knocksville gets tough, you know.



I think I'd better go.



Then go ahead! Get the hell out!



Beat it, snowball!



- Right?

- Right.



You're on your own again.






Yeah. Uh-huh.









[Door Hinges Squeak]










Come here.



Well, how did you find that out?



It's very important, but I don't think

there's anything you can do about it. 



- Maria, I want to talk to ya.

- Mm-hmm.






Louise, I just came home from the office.



Yes, I had a very hard day,

and something important came up. Can...



she call you back later?






- Uh-huh.

- [Chuckling]















Louise, we'll call you back later.




I'm gonna have a drink.

You kill me.



- Yeah? Why do I kill ya?

- [Laughing]



Why do I kill ya?



Why do I kill ya, huh? 



Why? What do you want to drink?



Whatever it is,

I want it on the rocks, straight and dirty... 



because I feel very, very bitchy tonight. 



Well, I feel very, very bitchy too.

That makes two of us.



Blue Monday for me today. 



All day the phone rang and rang.

"Hello, Maria?" "Good-bye, Maria. "



- "Hello, darling. Good-bye, darling."

- Hello, darling. [Chuckles]



- Your sense of humor's going to

destroy our marriage someday.

- I wasn't trying to be funny.



- [Chuckles]

- Listen, Maria, go get me a cigarette, will ya?



Ooh. We're out. I'm sorry.

I smoked myself silly today.



- You're such a conformist.

- Like hell I am.! 



Dickie, why don't you take me

to a movie, okay? 



- Why doesn't somebody fill these stupid boxes?

- You smoke too much.



There's a Bergman film

in the neighborhood.



I don't feel like

getting depressed tonight.



But you always love foreign film.



- Where the hell are the cigarettes?

- We're out.! 



- What are you getting so huffy about?

- There's nothing on television tonight.



If I had a cigarette, I could think.



- You're hungry.

- Right!



But you're always hungry.



That's because I always

come home at dinnertime.



Oh, I love you

when you look like that.



Look like what?

Tell me quick, and I'll write it down.



- You wanna fight, huh?

- [Giggling] Yeah, I wanna fight.



Smug. I knew it the first time

I looked at you.



- The better-than-you expression.

- That's right.



- I'm the pompous puke of all times.

- Yeah, and you smell like a brewery too.



And I smell like a brewery too. 



And you'll take me

to a movie show?



I'll... take you...



any place that

your little heart desires...



if you'll just keep that lovely mouth of yours

closed for a couple of seconds.



I have a lovely dinner for you.



Come on. Take off your coat

and stay a while, bright eyes.



Well, that sounds like

some kind of a proposition.



Oh, Dickie, you're so innocent,

it's hard to get through to you sometimes.



- Oh, really?

- [Chuckles]



- No place like home.

- What?



- I said have you ever been to Rome?

- Italy?






- I love you.

- But you always love me when I bring food.



- Well, that's because I'm a glutton.

- Were you with Fred tonight?



- Yeah.

- I think he's a terrible father.



He never talks to the kids

or plays with 'em.



The kids are grown up.



Nineteen isn't grown.



I don't like Fred anymore.



- Well, why don't you like Fred anymore?

- Because...



he cheats on his wife.



[Cutlery Clinks]



- Now, who told you that?

- Louise. 



Oh, Louise.



- Oh.

- Fred talks in his sleep.



He comes home at night,

and he just stares at her. Doesn't say a word.



They have a drink. Silence.



- They eat, they say nothing.

- Salt and pepper, please.



They get into bed

and they say nothing.



And I forgot,

he just barely looks at the kids...



and Louise says

that it's because of that.



Because of what?



Well, she reads,

and he just rolls over and goes to sleep...



and talks to all these different girls.



And Louise says that they have to be

in compromising positions.






Good old Freddie. 






He says things like...



- Like "Roll over."

- [Chuckling]



"Let's try that again." Yeah.



Things like that.



Things like that, huh?



And do you know what he did with...



Do you know what he did with Darlene?



Darlene? Who the hell's Darlene?



The girl in his dream.






Well, what did he do with Darlene?







You ain't gonna tell me?




He kiss... He kisses her.






You know.






You mean... he goes...






You... You mean he goes...



[Wheezing Laugh]



- Bad!

- [Laughing]



- Is that what you mean?

- No.



- No.

- [Laughing]



- I... Yes, but...

- [Laughing]



He says for her to do it to him.



- That's funny.

- When he gets...



- Well...

- Well, that's what he said.



Yeah, well, you know,

Freddie's getting on in years. 



And a man Freddie's age...



You're Fred's age!



Yeah, but sexual nightmares

are not one of my problems.



Besides, what the hell has that got to do

with Fred being a good father?







Well, I...



I'm sorry I talk too much.



Well, you know, Fred puts up

with his kids'asinine friends. 



- You know that?

- I...



His kids wanna drink,

he lets 'em drink. 



They want to smoke,

he lets them smoke.



He... Well, he sends

the sons of bitches to college.



They each have

their own cars, you know.



And he gives them    bucks a week

spending money. 



Can you imagine that?



And his daughter is beautiful.



His son is a big  -foot-  hunk of man...



and the girls think he's cute.



And he's got Simon,

a one-year-old baby.



I wish I was that kind of a father.



Well, we weren't discussing

that part of it anyway.



I'm talking about it

from a woman's point of view.






A woman's "taf" you... point of...





A woman's point of view. Oh, God. 



I can't go to the goddamn movie

with you.



Jesus Christ Almighty.

Oh, boy.






I can... I can see it all now.




Boy. You know,

one of these days...



you girls are gonna go, "Charge!"



And you know somethin' funny?



We'll all surrender,

and you can have everything.



You can have the house

and the cars and the office...



and the bills

and the headaches...



and we'll sit home and laugh!



That's what we're gonna do.



All we ask for is peace.



To give us our daily beating and three

square meals a day and bread and water...



and we'll just sit staring at the sun...



going blind, okay?



Oh, I'm so sorry.

Do we emasculate you?



Poor little boy losing his virility.



Well, I don't have it anymore!



- What happened to it, huh?

- I just don't appeal to you.



Oh, you appeal to me all right.



When I come home,

you appeal to me.



- When I'm at the office, you appeal to me.

- I am not a sex machine!



- No, you want to go to the movies!

- Because I'm bored.



That's how you get your jollies!



- Don't be crude!

- Crude, schmude. I'm crude!



- The minute you get home,

you wanna jump into bed.

- That's the general idea.



[Both Laughing]



Why did... Why did the man throw...

throw the clock out the window? Huh?



He wanted to see time fly.



What does Dracula do

every night at midnight?



He takes a coffin break!



What... What is it

that's blue and whistles...



and hangs in a delicatessen?



Aren't you gonna say...



say, "But a herring doesn't whistle"?



Huh? Aren't you gonna say,

"But a herring isn't blue"?



You're not gonna say that?

How can I get to the joke?



[Both Laughing]



What is...

What is it...



that weighs      pounds

and has got a stick through it?



A "hippo-popsicle."



What... What... What is it

that's black and white and red all over?



- A newspaper.

- No. A zebra's ass.



You don't think

I'm very funny, do ya, huh?



Of course I think you're funny.



Well, I could...

I could be funnier, you know.



- I really could.

- Maybe you're... 



- If I tried a little harder.

- not all that funny. 



Good night.



Good night.



- Dickie, I'm sorry.

- I want a divorce.









- Did you hear what I said?

- Oh, Dickie.



I want a divorce.



That's the only thing to do, isn't it?



Well, why don't you laugh?



It's funny.



Well, what's your answer?



Answer me!



Hello, Jeannie?



Hold on a minute.



I'll send for my clothes in the morning.

I'm not coming back. 



I'm on the phone.



This is Richard Forst. Hi.



I'd like to see you tonight.



Well, it's very important.



Well, how busy are you?



Well, I could meet you

at the Losers Club.



Twenty,    minutes.



Take as long as you like. 






I'll see you later.







  Wars have come and wars have gone  



 History, it goes on and on  



 Ever since this world began  



 Love not war has conquered man  




  Caesar tried to gain control  



 Through his wealth

and through his gold  




 Yeah, then Cleo played her hand  



 And love conquered

just as planned  




  Henry Windsor went to eight  




  He knew how to celebrate  



  But when he reached for nine and     



  Love not war

then conquered him  



  Give up

You're through  



-   You'll never get away from it  

- [Chattering]



  Why try

I'm telling you  



  This lovin'stuff is here with us

till the day we die  




 Stonewall Jackson played it rough  




 Love to him was kiddie stuff  




  Yeah, but Stoney swore that he'd never fall  




 But love cracked that old Stonewall  




  Give up, you're through  



  You'll never get away from it  



  Why try

I'm telling you  



  This lovin'stuff is here with us

till the day we die  






  Talking to you, friends  



 Love's goin'to get you  



 In the end  




 It's all part of nature's plan  




 Love will always conquer man  



 Love will always conquer man  






[Siren Wailing In Distance]



[Man] If you think I look like silly

in this outfit, you oughta see me in a bathing suit. 



- I look like a pair of pliers with a Band-Aid on.

- [Laughter]



I'm in... I'm in such bad shape.

[Clears Throat]



- I really am.

- [Laughter]



[Clears Throat]

I got a frog in my throat.



First meat that's passed

that way in an hour.



- [No Audible Dialogue]

- [Applause]



I just wanted you to see my suit. 



Seersucker... Sears made it,

and you're lookin'at the sucker that bought it. 






On top of that, I'm so flat-footed,

when I get out of the bathtub... 



somebody has to rock me back and forth

to break the suction. 






But, uh... 



the postman came

with a letter and, uh... 



told me that the Great Society

was having a war on poverty. 



So, uh, I told him if that was true,

I wanted to be the first to surrender. 



- [Laughter]

- [Applause]






There once was a girl from




who played the violin.



Uh... Uh, she tucked it

under her chin.



She plucked at her strings...




Like angel wings. 



[Man] She plucked at her strings,

among numerous things... 



and tucked it under her chin. 



[Both Laughing]



- Well, Mr. McCarthy.

- Jim.



[Mimicking Irish Accent]

Jamie McCarthy.



- [Chuckling] Jamie.

- Oh, that's a fine name. Fine.



- My mother used to call meJamie.

- Did she now?



- Say, how would you like to call me Mother?

- Come on, will ya?



I'm old enough

to be your father.



Listen. Listen.



- In that case, I'd like some fatherly advice.

- All right.



- I have a terrible problem.

- What's your problem, daughter?



- Well, this, uh... this fellow, a friend...

- Mm-hmm.



[Continues Irish Accent]

An Irish friend.

He just called me from the bar...



and he's in terrible trouble

and wants me to come rescue him.



- What do you think of that?

- What do you think of it?



Well, I'm asking for your advice.

You're the wise one.



Be a hero. Tell me.

Come on.



- Hey, Jackson.

- Yo. 



- [Laughing]

- Hey, Jackson. 



Remember the time

we went to New Orleans on a bet?



Yes, sir, I do.



We stayed up all night

screaming at the top of our lungs.



We had a...



We had a...

My nose itches.



- We had a...

- Going to kiss a fool?



Yeah, I know.



We had a couple bimbos.

No, actually, they were very nice girls.



- They reminded me a lot of you two.

- Oh.



But they knew more dirty limericks

than you could shake a stick at.



- How nice.

- Well, I knew a guy who used to make

them up and sell them.



Really? He must have been

an ex-convict.



- That's right. Don't look so wide-eyed.

- I'm not wide-eyed.



Do you realize that ex-convicts and jailbirds

are the ones that write all the limericks?



- Not all of them.

- Oh, don't argue with Mr. McCarthy, miss.



Jimmy Arno... He wrote a couple

that were really funny. Didn't he, Jeannie?



- That's right. He did.

- Jimmy Arno?



- Mm-hmm.

- Jimmy Arno? Not the Jimmy Arno.



- Do you know him?

- Never heard of him.



[All Laughing]



Aw, come on, now.



What the hell do we care

about two whores?



- [Jeannie] You better watch...

- Wait a minute!



- Two whores!

- [Jeannie] I don't want you around.! 



Come on. Come on.



- You don't want us around?

- That's right.




Look who's saying she doesn't want us around.! 



- You're coming on awfully strong.

- Just who in the hell are you, huh?



Just who in the hell are you?



Wait a minute. Take it easy.

What's the matter with you?



Why be so violent?



Take it easy. Just relax.

Wait a minute, Jeannie. Wait, Jeannie.






I'm sorry.



Can I have a cigarette?



Let me close this door.



All right.

I won't close the door.



Ah, boy, what a life!



Ah, what's the matter, Jeannie?

Don't you like me? 






Why not? Come on.

I can take criticism.




What's the matter with me? 



You don't want me to be crude?

All right, I won't be crude. 



Jeannie... Jeannie, I'm a nice guy.



Would you think that

I weigh     pounds? Huh?



You're married.



Oh, Jeannie, am I married.



Yeah, I'm married.



I got a son almost as old as you. 



He thinks he's a grown man. 



He goes to college. 



I wanted him to go to one of those

Midwestern schools and play football...



but his mother said, "No. No football."



So he said, "All right. What the hell.

Okay, no football."



So instead he goes to Dartmouth.



Goes out for tennis instead.

All day long he walks around in tennis shoes.



What kind of a thing is that

for a grown boy to walk around

in tennis shoes all day long?



What the hell. He's my son. Even if

he wants to nance around, I say, "So what?"



Everybody's gotta lead

their own life, right?



So, he goes out

for swimming and track...



and wears tennis shoes.



Jeannie, do you know what it is

to be a promo man in a firm like mine, huh?



I'll tell ya.



You meet more millionaires

and more presidents...



than you dream could exist.



And that seems like

a big thing to you, huh?



So, what have I got

after all those years?



A big house, a kooky wife

and a kid who wears sneakers.









Hey, Jeannie baby!

Hey. You're all right, Jeannie baby!



- [Laughing]

- Whoo!



Hey. Turn out these lights, will ya?



Looks like an office in here. 



How do you expect to make out

with all these lights on? 



What do you say, slick?




[All Shouting]






Hey. You know what?

You've got quite a tummy.



You've got...

Hasn't he got a... Huh?



Hey. How about a little kiss

for my buddy?



How about a... Ooh!




Have a good time. Stella, lock up when you go. 



Wait a minute.

Where you goin'? Hold on!



- Leave me alone.

- Will you leave her alone!



Just get out of here!



Now, what are you makin' a scene for? Huh?



- Come on. Give me a break.

- Give you a break?



Why? You think you deserve a break?



- Look, I met this guy.

- You met this guy. So?



- [Stella] Leave her alone.

- Ah, shut up! Will you sit down!



So you met this guy.

Go ahead. So you met this guy.



What about him? You in love with this guy?

You hate this guy?



- You went to college with this guy?

- No.



Come on.

Don't do this. Don't.



All right. Come on, will ya?



Cut it out.



You son of a bitch!




There's this joke about the Siamese twins. 






Have you ever heard that...

that old belly-twister, uh...



about the Siamese twins?



- No.

- [Chuckles]



One is named June

and the otherJuly.



- Is that a real one?

- Oh, no, no, no.



Let me light that for you.



Thank you.



Oh, boy, women.



If I live to be a million,

I'll never understand 'em.



Crazy broads.



Aw, shoot, now.



Come on over here, huh?




Come on. Will ya?



Come on.



Come on, you son of a gun.



Come on, now. Come on.



Come on.

Ooh, you.



Come on!




You know you're nuts?



- You know that, don't you?

- [Doorbell Rings]



Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Don't go away.



Come on in.

Join the party.



There's been a lot of controversy

over you tonight.



- Oh, no, there hasn't been any controversy.

- Sure there has.



- You're the one in the bar, right?

- That's right.



- Been waitin' a couple of hours?

- That's right.



- Well, take your coat off. Relax, join the party.

- Hey, stop that.



Okay. Come on. Sit down.



We'll just have a couple drinks, then we'll

get out of here. You don't mind, do ya?



- What's your name, by the way?

- Richard. 



[Jim] Well, Richard, Richard.

That-a-boy. That's a nice name... Richard. 



Isn't that a nice name, Jackson?

Hey, Richard. Richard. Richard.! 



I'm talkin' to you, boy.

Come on. Pay attention. Let's go.



I'm Jim, that's Joe and, uh,

Stella I suppose you know. 




Hey, what do you do, Richard? 



I'm a businessman.



- Insurance, huh?

- That's right. 




At least he's not a fag, huh, Jeannie? 



- Well, maybe I am.

- [Laughing]



The boy Richard is all right.

Your friend Richard...




He's got spirit, hasn't he, Jim? 



Listen, now that we're through with basic training,

can we knock off the grade school theatrics?



- Jeannie...

-   I used to work in Chicago

in a department store  



 I used to work in Chicago

I do but I don't anymore  



 A lady came in, she asked for a whoop

What kind of whoop said I  



 Whoop she said, whoop I said

I did but I don't anymore   






Richard, you don't know

a goddamn thing about women, do ya?



You know that women are basically

all whores? Did you know that?






I'm sorry.




Excuse me, Jeannie. 



- You're married, right?

Wouldn't you say he's married, Jackson?

- Oh, yeah. He's married.



- Very much so.

- Forty-eight, unhappy as hell.



Uh-huh. Separated, out for a good time.

Out for a good time!



Lookin'for a little

momentary relationship. 



Who the hell are you guys?



Oh, didn't we tell ya, Richard?

We're the police.



- Oh, yeah, we're the vice squad.

- Vice squad!




They're not. They'rejust kidding. 



So, look, you run along home, sonny boy,

and play with your own.



[Stella] Joe is JoeJackson.

Jim is Jim McCarthy.



He's vice president of Metal...




Industries of the Pacific West Coast...



and affiliate companies.



- Jackson's supposed to mix the drinks, right?

- Right. 



- Jackson, get me a double-double scotch.

- Straight? 



- No soda and no ice.

- No soda, no ice.



Neat, clean,

straight down the line, huh?



Dickie, why don't you go?



What do I do now?



Take my coat off?



What you want me to do?

Take my coat off? All right.



- All right. Step outside.

- No.



- What do you mean, "no"?

- If you think I'm gonna fight in the dark,

you're crazy.



- We can't fight in Miss Rapp's house.

- Why not? 



Why not? Look, McCarthy, why don't you

just get out? Nobody wants you around.



- Oh, nobody wants me around, huh?

- Right.



A little while ago, you almost fainted

when I offered you     bucks.



- Oh!

- Two hundred bucks. Who needs ya!

You're not even pretty!



- I hope he knocks you on your fat prat!

- Take it easy. 



- You wanna fight or not?

- You wanna go through with it?



What are you, yellow?



Oh, now you did it!

Now you did it!



Now your head's gonna

leave your body.



- Hey, do you need any help, boss?

- No!



No! No, I don't need any help!




[Grunting, Yelling]




Ooh, you wanna fight dirty, eh?



- Hey, hey, hey.

- I'll kill him. Oh, my knee.! 



My knee. I'll kill ya.

Ooh, my knee, my knee!



- You shouldn't have done it so long.

- I'll kill him!



- All right. Come on.

- Get out of my way.! 



Come on. Will you go on?

Come on, boy.



I'll kill him. Oh, my knee, my knee.

Take it easy, will ya?



Ow! God! I'll kill that bum.



I'll take him apart

and put him together again!



Yes, sir. Look, just a minute.

For crying out loud, I know you'll kill him.



- What's the matter with you?

I've taken guys twice his size.

- I'll bet you have.



I had a    -pound wrestler,

gave me some gaff.



I picked him up over my head, threw him

to the ground. I broke his collarbone!



You son of a gun. You...



- You don't believe me, huh?

- Oh, sure I do.



- How did we get into this?

- How did we get into it?



How the hell do we get out of it?



You son of a...



Ah, shoot.

You look fine.



Now, take it easy, will ya?



Okay. But one word

out of him, and I'll...



You son of a gun!



All right.

Come on. Let's go.



I said, "I used to do

a little bit of, uh...



a little bit of fighting."



I understand you're a pretty big

businessman. Is that right, Jim?



Yeah, that's right. 



Stella tells me you're

in advertising and promotion.



Yeah, that's my title.



They think I'm worth $       a year

plus expenses for it.



Ah. Who's your biggest account?



He doesn't believe me.



- Hey, look. Here's a card.

- I'm not interested.



- No, he's not interested in that.

- You buy, uh, brass and aluminum?






I buy brass and aluminum. 



- Is that right?

- That's right. Case closed.



Hey. Hey, now.

Look, you son of a gun.



You told me in the kitchen.



- Okay.

- [Jackson Laughing]




Hey, uh, you ever hear the one about the, uh... 



fag motorcycle driver?



Yeah, I heard that. 



Well, how about

the one about the, uh...



the littleJewish agent who...



"Not necessarily."

I heard that one too.



Hey, why don't you tell him

about that one about 'probably"...



Oh, come on.

You gave the punch line away.



I heard that one.



- How about the goose one?

- The goose one?



Yeah. The goose that goes down the subway

and gets peopled to death. 



The goose that goes down the subway

and gets peopled to death.




Oh, you're too much. Oh, boy.! 



Hey, did you hear the one about the, uh...

the littleJewish carpenter who was so mean...



Once a schmuck,

always a schmuck.



That's not the ending I heard.



That joke's old enough

to have a beard.



You're really uncanny.



Oh, boy.



Hey, you said you were in business.

What kind... Uh, uh...



- He said he was in insurance business.

- Well, I'm in finance. That's a form of insurance.



- Oh, really?

- Yes.



- What do you do there?

- I'm chairman of the board.



- We have one corporation.

- Yeah? What's the firm?



- Investment Finance.

- [Whistles] That's a pretty big outfit.



- Yeah.

- Hey, uh, do you know Stewie Ray?



- [Jackson] He's not kidding.

- I'm not making it up. Stewie Ray.



- Works for me.

- No kidding? Really?



- Yeah.

- He's a nice guy. Hell of a nice guy.



- You do business with him?

- Ah, we talk once in a while.



A firm like mine has to have

a good credit rate. We talk.



- That's very good.

- Yeah.



Enough of business already.

I'm getting hungry.



You been to Chicago, Dick?



- Not often.

- There he goes. He's...



He's uncanny with this phraseology,

you know that?



No wonder you're chairman of the board.

Jeannie, you know what chairman of the board is?



He's the man. He's a killer.

Boy, he's got all the weight.



Did you ever tellJean

about the board of director's meeting?



I was just about to,

but I didn't get the chance somehow.



[All Laughing]



There he goes with that

uncanny phraseology of his again.



Boy, I'll bet you're a real murderer

behind that big desk of yours.



Well, I don't have a big desk.



You know, you're all right.

You're all right. You know...



I've been a...

I've been a road man all my life.



I've been in every toilet in    states.



I sort of prefer it that way.

Hey, do you know the...



[All Laughing]



[Jim] Hey, you know what? Before

they had planes, they had... they had trains. 



Now they got these planes that fly... [Pop]

Like that.



Four and a half hours from, uh...

from New York to Los Angeles.



Four and a half hours.

You believe that?



- I don't wanna talk about business.

- Huh?



I don't wanna either.

I'd rather play a game of billiards.



Do you play billiards?



I can tell by your expression you don't.

I'll bet you're a golf man, right? 



- Tennis.

- Tennis. My kid plays tennis too.



Is that right? Tennis?

No kidding.



I got a friend of mine who bought

Don Budge's house.



I know those guys.

You know, Segura, Kramer, uh, uh, Gonzales.



I only play for myself. 



[Jim] Sure. Go down,

play a few sets, work off the gut. 



Keep your mind...

uh, body up with your mind. 



I got a kid who plays too.

He's a hell of a nice kid. Smart as a whip too. 



- Nothing like his old man.

- Why you S.O.B.



- You're right. I am an S.O.B.

- You are.



Oh, boy. This kid's fantastic.

He runs! He runs!



And he runs for hours and hours.

Summer, winter, snowing, rain.



He doesn't care.

He swims in any kind of weather.



Oh, boy. I'm tellin' ya,

I don't know where these kids get the energy.



You ever see these Ivy League kids?

They all look alike... skinny shoulders, sneakers.



I don't know what the hell

you're talking about.



Oh, I don't know either.



- Hey. Hey.

- What?



I... I think that Dickie...



would like to be alone

with the young lady.



Oh, sure. Who wouldn't?

I would too. You kidding?



A couple of visiting firemen come in,

cramp your style, step all over your feet, huh?



Listen, McCarthy, if you don't get out ofhere,

I'm gonna call the vice squad. 



- Hey, remember. We're the vice squad!

- You're the vice squad!



Okay. Hey, Stella, why don't you give that girl...

What's her name?



- Marta.

- Why don't you give her a call, sweetheart?

Then we can get out of here. Okay?



Gee, Dick, how did we get

into this situation anyway?



I'm sorry.

It's ridiculous, isn't it?



Why don't I give you a call Monday?



Maybe we can have lunch

or, uh, maybe just talk on the phone?



- That's a very good idea.

- Good. Okay. Stewie Ray.



Ahh. Oh, boy.



Ah, Stewie Ray.

Hey, come on.



- Oh, Jeannie, I'll call you

the next time I get in town.

- Yes, yes. You do that. 



- Oh, Jeannie, I'll call you

the next time I get in town.

- Yes, yes. You do that. 



Come on, Stella. Let's go.

Shake it up.! 



- It's been a real pleasure.

- Nice meeting you.



- Richard, old boy.

- Jim.



- Nice meeting you.

- Right.



- Sorry about what happened.

- Well, that's the way it goes.



- Night.

- Joey.




It's really been a pleasure. 



- You're gonna get a raise, Joey.

- [Laughs] I hope so. 




Stella, step it up, will ya? Let's go. Come on. 



I'm glad she's not too tired.

I gotta get my coat. Wait. 



Come on. Let's go. Let's go.



- Wait till I get...

- [Stella] It's cold outside. 



- Come on.

- [Stella] Good night, Jeannie. 




Thanks. See you later. 



Good night again.

Good night, Miss Rapp.




Dickie, Stewie Ray, huh? 



Stewie Ray!




- I thought they'd never leave.

- [Chuckling]



"Stewie Ray."



- "You're a golf man, right, Richard?"

- Tennis.



I never laughed so hard.



I was pretty good, wasn't I?



- My hero.

- Hi, ho, Silver!






White horse hero.

You get it?



Yeah, I get it.



Ah, Dickie, Dickie, Dickie.



I like you, you know.

I really do like ya.



- Well, don't get serious.

- I'm not.



- Well, don't.

- I wasn't.



Definition of"seriousness":



Noun. Grave or solemn

of disposition.



Yeah, well, I wasn't getting serious.

I'm your friend.



- Well, you know how I feel about friendship.

- No. How do you feel?



Definition of"friendship":



Noun. One who's

attached to another...



because of their personal regard.



Companion, a comrade, a chum...



and someone who

doesn't get serious.



- Friends never get serious?

- Never.



- Can a friend ask a question?

- No. And shut up.



Let's do Peter Piper

picked a pickle... peck a...



- Ah, Dickie, I'm exhausted.

- You can't be exhausted.



Peter Piper

picked a peck of"peckled"...



- Peter Piper picked a peck of...

- Hey, Dickie, why did you want to see me?



I wanted to play with you.



All right. Then what?



Oh, we'd play,

have a few laughs...



see what developed.



- I like you.

- You like me.



- I like you.

- All right, you like me.



- That's right. I like you.

- Oh, Dickie, what's the matter?



You think I'm one of

those gross businessmen? 



You think I have a secretary that picks up

the phone and gets me whatever I want?



Jeannie, I buried eight relatives in the past

six years. There's nobody left but me.



I'm just a mild success in a dull profession,

and I wanna start over again.



And I've got a bad kidney!



[Forst Chuckling]






Come on and take a bath.



I don't want a bath!



No bath?



No bath? 



No bath.



People drown in bathtubs.



No hard feelings?



You're aces high with me, Charlie. 



 I dream ofJeannie  



  With the light brown hair  



 Borne like a vapor on the summer air  









You know, you're a very strange man.



- Well, you want me to leave, I'll leave.

- But not sensitive. 



And another thing...

You don't make me insecure.



- That's not one of my problems.

- Good.



All righty.









Okay, give me a foot.



- [Grunts]

- Those are new socks.



Yeah? Good.



- New socks make me insecure.

- [Chuckling]



Clothes make the man.



- What does that do?

- Makes your feet smell good.



Oh, that's fine.



Then I'm gonna dry them off,

I'm gonna powder them down...



and then I'm gonna

rub 'em till warm.



  Oh, dem bones, dem bones

Dey walk all over  



-   Dem bones, dem bones, dey walk all over  

-   Dry bones  



-   Dem bones, dem bones, dey walk all over  

-   Dry bones  



  Now hear the word of the Lord  



-   Dem bones, dem bones  

-   Now the backbone  



-  They walk all over  

-   Dem bones, dem bones gonna walk around   



- I trust you.

- What?



I said... I said I trust you.






Oh, boy. Oh, boy.






Oh, Freddie.




Jeannie. Hey, Jeannie.



Jeannie, you wanna hear

a secret, huh?



Oh, Jeannie, I don't give a damn

about racial, religious...



moral, economical, political problems.



- That makes two of us.

- Eating meat disturbs me.



Right. Can you imagine raising

poor little chickens, steers and lambs...



to fill our tummies?



- Now, there's a problem and nobody cares.

- Right.



- Right? Huh? Right.

- Right.



- They take all the wool off the lamb,

and then we eat it.

- Oh, Dickie.



What is all this holier-than-thou crap

that they hand us?



You know what I think?

I think we were all created evil!



Then some... some wise guy...

some, uh... a left-winger or a...



a union organizer comes along

and tells us that we all were created good.



We were all created in his image.







[Slaps Forst's Knee]



Hey, Jeannie.

Jeannie, come here.



Now I'm gonna tell you something.

This is serious.



You're such a lovely girl, Jeannie...



but you talk too much.



I talk too much?



Didn't anybody ever tell you that?



You talk too much.



- I?

- Now turn out the lights.



I'm spending the night.



You're a son of a bitch.

Do you know that?



Why am I a son of a bitch?



Because you get to me.



And anybody that gets to me...



You kill me.



Let's have some music.



   [Melancholy Piano]



  [Piano And Violin]






[No Audible Dialogue]










 I said everybody  



  Throw up your hands now  



  [Continues, Indistinct]



[No Audible Dialogue]



  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah  



 I heard of skate-a-ling  

























 I said everybody  



  Throw up your hands now  



  [Continues, Indistinct]



[No Audible Dialogue]



  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah   






- [Chattering]

- Here we are.



   [Woman Singing, Indistinct]



Come on.



Well, come on.

Here's the living room.




Come on.



   [Woman Humming]



Ooh! Oh!



[Record Scratching]






Oh, oh, Chet.



Ooh, ooh, ooh.



 You know, life's so funny, baby  



  Don't even know where I'm gonna run  



 You know, life's so funny, baby  



  Don't even know where I'm gonna run  



 You're still such a little darlin'  



-   Expect so much   

-    [Record Stops]



Leave her alone now,

and stop it!



- Come and sit down.

- Hey.



Let's just sit down!



It's a nice place you got here.



Thank you.

It's    years old.



- Twenty-seven years old?

- Oh, come on, Chettie.



Let's do some more

twistin' and groovin'.



- Florence, the party's over.

- Come on, Florence.



Oh, no.

The party's just beginning.



- Right, Chettie?

- Uh, yeah, right.



'Cause I'm mixing the drinkies.



Ladies, declare!



- Gin and tonic.

- Scotch and soda.



Two glasses comin' up. Oh!



[Chuckles, Sighs]



Look, I got these records.



Can we have some music, please?



Can we have some music or something,

or are we just gonna sit here?



Where are you from, Chet?






Do you like Los Angeles?



Do you?



Well, I like the climate.



I do too.



Well! Well, wasn't that

some place tonight, huh?



And those dances.

The, uh... the watusi and the frug.



- [Chet] Oh, yeah.

- And the dog and the jerk.



- And the...

- Did you like it?



With all those young boys?

Of course I liked it.







- Yeah.

- Of course I liked it. 



I did notice that you handled yourself

very well at the a-go-go.



Oh! Well, thank you.



You're definitely an individual type. 



I mean, you don't seem to succumb

to the atmosphere.



Who was the, uh...

the little blonde girl...



with the, uh... with the big blue eyes

and the big bazoom?



And did you notice the one

in the black tights with the boots? 




You have to have the figure for those tights. 



- I have never had complaints, Louise.

- Billie-May, I didn't say anything like that.






Come on, now, you guys.

I mean, like, you got nothin' to worry about.



Really. Believe me.

None of ya.



Believe me, will ya?



You people are

too much, man. Look...



- Are you kiddin'?

- Well, out of that whole room

full of pretty, young chicks...



what made you come over

to our table?



Oh, Billie-May, you know why?

Because there was something wrong with ya.



You guys were all

sitting there like a bunch of...



like you were gonna

break into tears any minute.



Now, if I see someone

trying to join in...



and not knowing how...



I find my selfknow-how... 



and always make it a point

to know how with anybody... 



and I say, "Go on over, man."



Kind of like, uh, Jesus said.

You know.



 Jesus said

La, dee, da  



  God is love

Love is dead   



Kind of like Christ said, you know.

Help thy neighbor, man.



- Is he the one that said that?

- Billie-May... 



what difference does it make

who said it?




What difference does it make who said it? 



It could have been, uh...



It could have been him. 



It could have been Gandhi.

It could have been Buddha.



It could have been "spoodah."

It could have been your daddy.



It could have been your mama.

It could have been your uh-uh. 



Could have been your huh-huh. 



What difference, man?




Hey, listen, man. It's a very good way

to express yourself.




What do you mean? 






I said, "What do you mean?"



Well, I said, like, take a guy my age.



I gotta have some kind of a release.



Now, do you wanna...



Well, I can't very well

hold up a bank for kicks.



- That's against the law, right?

- [Louise] Right. 



- [Florence] Right, Chettie.

- Then everybody agrees with me.



- Christ. So what do you do?

- [Louise] You dance. 



- You dance.

- [Billie-May] You dance. 



You have a few belts and go up

to some chick's pad and make it, baby.



Make it?



Just make it, baby.

You out-and-out lay down and...



And I...



Or you can sit around,

have a drag and, uh...



think about what's wrong

and all, you know?



Oh, I know what you mean.



- I think you do.

- [Billie-May] Oh, sure she does. 



Sure she does.



- [Billie-May] Well.!

- Well!






[No Audible Dialogue]




Yeah, boy. 




Well, Louise, Maria, Florence, there it is. 



This is it. 



The, uh, new generation.

The one our husbands...



[Chet Laughing]

That's fun...






That's funny as hell. 



Billie-May, how'd you happen to get

on the subject of our husbands again?



Well... Oh...



Because they're scared.

They're scared men. I mean...



Well, they're...



They're... They're scared of you.



They're... scared of you. They're, uh...



- Really?

- Mm-hmm. 



They are scared of your youth... 



and your, uh...






and your build.



They think that

they are the kings of the earth...



and they do not want

you takin' their place, see?



Well, I don't want it.

I mean, not...



Well, I just don't want the hang-up.






You're a damn good-looking kid

for only   .



- Florence.

- Let's dance.



  Florence from Torrance

She's got the "inshorance"  



  Florence from Torrance

The men all want Florence  



 The happiest chick

that I ever did see  



  Until I met a girl

named Billie-May  



  Come on, Billie-May

I want it your way  



  Come on, Billie-May

Make it any day  



  Come on, Billie-May

I wanna do the thing  



 Do the little bell, babe

Turn me on like hell, babe  



  Come on, Billie-May

Hit the ray, you and me, Billie-May  



  Come on, now

You will see everything for you and me  



  We will do all the things

that we did before, my dear  






  Florence from Torrance  



  The hotheaded Florence

Just what they can't see  



 The girl named Florence

is groovy, you see  



  But all they want to do

is spend her money  



  'Cause she's got the "inshorance"

The girl from Torrance, Florence  



 Send all her allowance

Florence from Torrance   



- No.

- Come on.



- No.

- Come on. It's easy.



- No. No, Chet. I don't wanna.

- Right shoe. 



Right shoe. Yeah, baby.

Put it right there. 



- No.

- Come on. 



 Put on the red meat, baby

I want the red meat, baby  



 I like the rare meat, baby  



 Don't want no seasonin', baby

No taters or no onions  



 All I wanna do is "tonion" 



- Come on. That's it.

- [Laughs]



- Where are you go... Come here.

- No.



Right here, baby. It's easy.



 I need your red meat, baby  



 It grooves me like

your white meat, baby  



 Put it in the oven

Want it big and round  



 Put it in the oven

Eat it off the ground  



  Come on and do

the slip and slide  



-  I ain't had no goodies

since your granny died  

- [Laughter]



 Put on the red meat, baby  



 Don't want no taters or onions  



 I just want a "tonion"

Come on and put on the red, baby   




Come on.



  I like the red meat, baby  



Oh, I... I think we're makin'

fools of ourselves.



- What?

- Yeah.



I'm making a fool of myself?



Well, we are. Yeah.



- Well, who are you to criticize me?

- I'm not criticizing. I'm just saying...



You don't have to tell me

I'm making a fool of myself.



Look, I know how to dance my way.



I don't need you

to tell me about it.



I come from a musical background.



- I take care of a family of five.

- Okay. Okay. 



I have a college degree, and I don't need you

to tell me I'm making a fool of myself.



- Hey. Wait a minute... I'm sorr...

- Don't touch me!



Chettie, you criticized her, honey.

Criticize me.



At my age I'm willing

to learn, honey. Please.



Okay, you wanna cool it

just for a moment?




 Hotheaded Florence, she's from Torrance  



 The "inshorance" for Chettie-boy  



  Oh, Billie-May

She makes love in the hay  



 Hotheaded Florence  



 She's from Torrance

with all the "inshorance" 



  Hotheaded Florence

Zoom, zoom, da-ditty  



  Oh, Maria

You can't see Maria  



  Oh, you can't talk to Maria

Oh, Maria   




 Louise, Louise, Louise, don't pee in the trees  









Well, I think that I maintained my dignity

throughout the entire thing.



I mean, hell, it isn't as if

we did anything wrong.



All anybody has to do

is just to look at the four of us...



I mean, to know that there was

nothing wrong.



And if old Malcolm

is gonna get upset over a...



over a silly thing like that,

then where are we?



But you know Louise.



She is gonna go home and talk about

how vulgar it was...



and how terrible we all behaved and how

she went home the moment it all began.



But I don't... Well, if she does,

I'm just gonna tell her she's full of it.



But I don't think she will. Do you?



I mean, not that I give a damn anyway.



You know, this is gonna put her

back on the couch...



for another    years.



I'll tell you something else funny, honey.



I love Malcolm.



Yes, I am in love with my husband.



How about that?



I think he's nice.



Don't you?



You know my Louie. 



So short.



Those awful glasses.



And he can't carry a tune,

much less dance.



What's the matter?



Are you tired?



Oh, come on. Don't be tired.

The evening's young, you know.



You know, these dances...

these wild, crazy dances...



I think they've succeeded

where science failed.



'Cause, you know, I can go to a beauty parlor

and sit there for hours...



having my hair done

and my nails polished, but...



I don't feel any younger.



I might look it.



But these dances...

these wild, crazy dances...



they do something to me inside.




Well, to hell with Louie.



Because do you know

one of these days I'm gonna croak?



And I'm gonna flop down on the ground,

and some goddamn preacher's...



gonna preach a goddamn sermon

over my goddamn body!



Oh, Chettie,

Chettie, Chettie.



Ohhh! Oh, Chettie.



Let's put on another record

and dance some more, shall we?



Shall we?



   [Humming Waltz]



[Florence Chuckling]



Oh. Oh, Chettie.



I'm so exhausted.



Oh! I'm... I'm so exhausted.



- I'm...

- Oh. Wait.



[Chet Growling Playfully]




Oh, Chettie!



-    [Humming Waltz]

- Oh, Chettie. Chettie.



Oh, Chettie, you know,

I just love to dance, don't you?



I love ya, Flo.

I just love ya.



Oh, you know, I could...

I could just dance...



dance all night with you.



- Oh. You know it?

- I know you could.






   [Chet Humming]



[Florence Chuckles]



   [Humming Continues]






Oh, that's so wonderful.



You're wonderful.






would you kiss me?



Florence. Florence.









will you drive me home?






Sure. I'll drive you home.



Chettie! Chettie!



You said you'd drive me home.



I will. I will.



Maria, he is driving me home.



- Florence, you haven't got a car.

- Let me have your car.



- I will drive you home.

- I will return it tomorrow.



All right.

Let me get the keys.



I'll drive.



[Screams, Laughs]












You son of a...



- [Maria Yelps] No, no.

- Yes, yes, yes.



- No, no, no, no, no.

- Yes, yes.



[No Audible Dialogue]



Let me change.






  If I find my love

will I be a louse  



 Who cares, man

I'm gonna do it anyway  



 Just the way

I got to do it today  



  Turn around

and we'll all play  



 Pull down the spread

Pull down the covers  



  Gonna get in

and have another's  



 Lovers'little bed

and gonna have fun  



  Undress, baby

and we'll be one  



 Take down your pants

Take down your drawers  



  Gonna show your daddy

what his balls are for  






  Come on, honey

Take off my socks   



[Chuckles Nervously]

It's the lights. 



I don't like lights.







[Jeannie Speaks, Indistinct]



Yeah, well, I'm all wet.




You know you have

a beautiful body?



Yeah, well...



I... I've been told that, yes.









I have been seduced.






- Is it a nice feeling?

- I am not tired, if that's what you mean.



Eat your eggs.



What does that mean?



It means that your eggs are hot,

and they're gonna get cold.



You're a lousy cook.



Thank you. I love to cook. My mom always

told me, "You wanna eat, cook. 



"Otherwise you'll be skinny.

And skinny people are not like fat people.



Fat people are jolly."



- Right?

- Wrong. 



Skinny people are happy...

because they're not fat.



Okay, I'll diet.



You're not fat.



- What?

- You're voluptuous.






I can't hear you, Dickie.



Oh. Dishes.



Well, that's a negative attitude.



- What? Putting on my pants?

- Yeah.



- Well, I just hate getting out of bed. That's all.

- Stop apologizing. I love ya.



- Don't be so bighearted.

- What an answer.



- Well, you make lousy eggs.

- I do?



Yes, and I don't know how

anyone could make lousy eggs.



Look, in my whole life

nobody ever told me I make lousy eggs.



Yeah, but nobody was ever

honest with you before.



- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.



- What do you want? Cigarettes?

- Oh, no, I quit.



I don't smoke either.

I never did.



- Well, don't I get any credit for that?

- No. 



Did you know I steal in supermarkets?



And I don't like dogs.



- You don't like dogs?

- Hate them. Puppies even.



What do you mean you steal?



- [Raspberry]

- [Laughing]



Oh, you jerk.



Just don't ever say

you know all ofJeannie Rapp's secrets.



- You're wearing false eyelashes.

- So?



You're stupid.

So help me God, you're stupid.



I'm stupid? You can't even say a decent

"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers."



All you do is say, "Peter Piper picked

a peck of pickled poopers."



Well, that doesn't make any sense.



I dream ofJeannie, Peter Piper...



laughing, dancing,

having a good time.



Does it begin to come back to you?



Oh, you're such a child.



I am not a child.

You're a... You're a lousy dancer. 



- You oughta take lessons.

- Well, I took dances.



You know, you have a tin ear too.

You can't even carry a tune.



But last night you danced

and you sang and you just let it all go...



and didn't we have a good time?



You liked making love to me, didn't you?



- Yes, I did.

- So, you see, there. That's good, isn't it? 



And you... you enjoyed

my company too, didn't you? 



I enjoyed your company.



And you said that you trusted me,

didn't you?



Yes, I did.



And you thought Peter Piper

was pretty important last night, didn't you?



- Didn't you?

- Yes, I did.



You see? I'm always right.




I listened to your demented

dialogue too, didn't I?



- Yes, you did.

- And I thought you were crazy, didn't I?



But I made love to you,

and I held you in my arms all night.



And if you'd been out in the street last night,

they'd have had you committed. Wouldn't they?






I suppose so.



You son of a gun.



How come you hate me now?






do me a favor?



Don't be silly anymore.



Just be yourself.



But I am myself.



Who else would I be?



I'm serious.



Definition of"serious."



Blah, blah, blah, blah.






Let me get this garbage out of here.



  I dream ofJeannie

with the light brown hair  



  Borne like a vapor

on the summer air  



  I see her tripping

where the light something grows  



  I dream ofJeannie

with the light brown hair  



  Borne like a... Ah  



  On the summer air  



  I see her tripping  



 Where the light something grows  



  Happy as a...   










Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.



Now, if Peter Piper picked

a peck of pickled peppers...



where is the peck of

pickled peppers Peter picked?



Peter Piper picked a peck

of pickled peppers. 



If Peter Piper picked

a peck of pickled peppers... 



where's the peck of

pickled peppers Peter picked? 







Peter Piper picked a peck

of pickled peppers.



Now, if Peter Piper picked

a peck of pickled peppers...



where is the peck of

pickled peppers Peter picked?



- Peter Piper picked a peck...

- Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.



If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers...




Operator, I want

the emergency rescue squad.



My number? 



My number is...



No way.



Come on.



Come on, now,

drink this, damn it!



Goddamn bitch.

Drink this.



Please walk.



[Chet Panting]






Maria, walk, please.



Walk. Come on.



[Chet Panting]



[Toilet Seat Clatters]






[Maria Whimpers]



Come on, now.

Don't go back out.



[Chet Panting]



No. You gotta stay awake. Please.



I don't want you to die.



Please, lady.



You gotta stay awake.



You gotta stay awake.



- You gotta stay awake.

- [Whimpers]









Hey. Come on.

Come on.



Come on, now!

Goddamn it!



Now, come on!



[Chet Laughing]



That's it!

Oh! Oh! Oh!



Ooh, you gonna cry? Oh!

Come on.



Come on.



I didn't want to hit you,

but don't go to sleep on me.



Oh! Come on, now. Cry.

That's it. That's life, honey.



Tears... Tears are happiness, man.

Just do it.



Come on, now. Ohh.




You silly nut.



Do you want some coffee?



Can I trust ya? Huh? Huh?



Okay. Wait a minute.



I don't trust ya anyway. I don't.



- Ah! You little sneaky, you.

- [Pills Rattling]



I'm gonna get you some coffee.















I'm cold.



I like you.



I caused you a lot of pain

and a lot of grief...



and I almost killed ya.



And I prayed, man. Oh, G...

I prayed to God.



I said, "God, please, dear God,

don't let anything happen to her...



'cause I love her so much,

and I'll do anything you say, God."



And, man, I don't even

believe in him, you know.



But, I mean, it doesn't matter. I... I...

We protect ourselves.



So, when you talk ethics

and values and honesty...



and I'm a nice guy

and you're a nice guy...



and... and...



this and that, you know,

I mean, it just doesn't matter.






Nobody cares. 



Nobody has the time...



to be vulnerable to each other.



So... we just go on.



I mean, right away our armor comes out

like a shield and goes around us...



and, uh, we become like

mechanical men.



Yeah. And I called you

a mechanical woman, huh?



I got news.

I'm so mechanical...



Honey, it's absolutely ludicrous

how mechanical a person can be.



[Imitating Machine]



I am the sexiest guy in the world.



[Imitating Machine]



I have blond hair.

[Imitating Machine]



I can get all the women I want.

[Imitating Machine]



You're waking up, aren't ya?






You silly little puddin'.



Yes, I am a silly little puddin'.



You know, anybody that would...

that would pop a lot of sleeping pills...



Anybody that would...

[Imitates Vomiting]



their guts out, you know,

in front of company...



Anybody that would

let a... a guy...



a wom...

slap her and not be mad at him or...



- You're supposed to be saving my life.

- Hasn't got much to say.



I've got lots to say.

You wanna try me?



No, I hate you.

I really hate you.



 Yes, I know  



   [Continues, Indistinct]



 Yes, I know  



  Oh, didn't Daniel in that lions' den  



   [Continues, Indistinct]



  Oh, Lord, I'm ready  



  I'll be ready

when that great day comes  



  Oh, glory, hallelujah  




Oh, Lord, I'm ready  



 I'll be ready

when that great   



I thought you just had problems.



That's wonderful.

That's, uh, something new.



A noble adulteress.



I think you ought to be rewarded.



I'll write it into a policy. You commit

adultery, the adulterer gets killed.



The beneficiary, who is the adulteress,

gets paid off, right?



Dickie, I don't care.



Rejected for the thousandth time

in    years.



She doesn't care.



All I have to do is find

that   -year-old rapist and kill him.



And then you get paid off.

You don't need me, you don't need any man.



And I'll write the policy.



What the hell were you doing?

Chasing each other all over the house?



You couldn't get laid in bed,

so you come down to the kitchen?



Then you go up and take a shower

to wash off the kitchen?



You get laid once

and everything is solved!



Get all the soldiers in Vietnam laid

and the whole Middle East problem is solved!



You want violence, huh?

You want me to be violent? Is that it?



You want me to slap you across the face

every time you open your mouth? 



I hate my life. 



I just don't love you.



Throw me a cigarette, please.



A light.



My lighter, please.









Those pills, they tie up your lungs. 






[Forst Sighs]



 Never felt like this before  



 Never felt like this before  



 Never felt like this before  



 Never felt like this before  



 I see you in the storm  



 And you hold me in your arms  



 And I feel safe and warm  



 I want you always by my side

Don't you ever let me leave  



  Or get away from you  



 I'm gonna stick like glue  



  'Cause you knew what I was after  



 Now the time is for laughter  



  What you doin'

standin'way over there  



- Excuse me.

-  I want you to come stand over here  



 And never leave me here alone  



 Have you felt like this before  



 Never felt like this before  



 Never felt like this before  



 Never felt like this before  



 Never felt like this before  



 Never felt like this before   


Special help by SergeiK