The Favor Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the The Favor script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Brad Pitt movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Favor. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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The Favor Script





Mommy? Do dead people swallow?






Do they?






Then what do they do

with the water in their mouth?



They stop getting water in their mouths.






Don't wake Daddy.



Daddy's awake.



lt's Saturday, honey. Go back to sleep.



Daddy, they don't let you be a pilot

if you wear glasses!






Ollie, off!



Come on. Off the bed, Ollie. Off!



l've been playing handball

with quadratic equations all night.



Yeah? Who won?



l better get this article finished...



...or l am never going to get

a good night's sleep.



l'm working at school today.



No, you've got the kids till  :  .



l've my museum class, then l drop

off the payroll at Al's doughnut hole.



l want cinnamon... No, sugar!



-White ones!

-No doughnuts for you little porkers.



Oink! Oink!



Honey, make my cruller with white icing.



Two minutes.



lt's not fair!



ls this fair?







-What do you want for breakfast?

-l'm dead.



That's easy.



Look carefully at the way Rubens

uses pinks and whites in his women.



They have the alabaster cast of a statue...



...with just enough rosy shades...


            make them eminently approachable.



All l know is, they make me feel thin.



And of course, the famous red hair.



Most art historians believe

this was the color of his mistress' hair.



Emily, are we listing lovers

or acquaintances?



You're done?



l've been married for    years.

What do you want from me?



-Didn't you go to college?

-Yeah, but....



''One-night stand, handsome, great in bed.''



And you regretted it?



Him. He asked me

to bring a friend next time.



And you can't remember his name?



Listen, when you've had over....

the names get a little fuzzy.







ls this the guy in Saint Martin?



Yeah. You spent the weekend

in the Caribbean...



...and didn't l go to Marineland?



You came home with a plastic shark.

l came home with crabs.



Now, if you ladies will follow me.



This French sculpture

is from the   th century...



...and by Edmond Louise Colette.



This sculpture epitomizes

the art movement...



...from Art Nouveau to Art Deco.



Who was the best, and why?



-There's an emphasis on simple lines....




Because he just adored sex

and couldn't get enough?



Because we were in love.



-l've done that.

-Listen to you.



lt must be hell being in a great marriage.



lt is when you've been invited

to your   th high school reunion...



...and it kicks off wild sexual fantasies

about your first love.



-Old numero uno, Robert?




Tommy and l never did it.

We did everything but for two years.






You're from the coast.

ln Ohio, you don't do it. l was saving it.



-For who? Robert Hornswath?




So, are you going?



l don't know.

l haven't seen him in    years.



He lives in Denver now.

He probably wouldn't even be there.



Can you recover from a face-lift

in five months?



Are you going to worry about this

or have fun with it?



You'll have fun.



l know l'm never going to hear

the end of it now.



Emily, what is the matter with me?



Every day, l fantasize

about jumping on a plane to Denver...



...finding Tommy, and screwing him silly!



Pardon me.



So what do you think of this?



God, that's disgusting, Mom.






What do you think of this one?



That's more Emily.



You know, bookkeepers can be chic.




Yeah, she's not wearing a bra.



-Can l see that, please?




Bedtime. That's it.



-Tomorrow's my birthday!

-l know it's your birthday.



Your Daddy and l have

a lot of getting ready to do.



-l don't want to go to bed.

-You never want to go to bed.



Good night, Daddy!



Good night, sweetie. l'll be up in a minute.



-Brush your teeth.




You dropped those.



l know that tune.



Can we do it without kissing?



Sure. Yeah. Come here.



Can we do it without moving?

l'm exhausted.



Good. Me, too. l thought you wanted to.



Not me. How about you?



-We can do it tomorrow.







After Gina's party, l doubt it.






Department meeting. Goes late.






Yeah, let's shoot for Tuesday.



That was nice.



lt's always nice.



Lipstick. Yeah.



Where are you going?



To do my taxes and learn Spanish.



-l need to sleep, Elliott.

-You can sleep here, you know.



No, l can't. You're always drawing me.



You waste a lot of time sleeping.



l like sleeping.

lt makes the years go by faster.



That's a lousy attitude

for a woman barely past   ...



...everything ahead of her.



   more years of finding

the perfect piece of culture...



...for over Mrs. Konzulman's sectional,

unmarred by love or family.



Leave me if you must...



...but if you're checking out

that Denver gallery on Friday...



...l'd like to see you tomorrow sometime.



Can't tomorrow.



Tomorrow's my goddaughter's

birthday party.



l like birthday parties.



No. You're not invited.



Are you saying you're ashamed of me?



Everyone there is bringing their children.

l'll be dating one.






l'm   .



l don't know why you're pressing this.

You'll just get bored.



With Pin the Tail on the Donkey? No way.



-All right. Come.

-l will. Thank you.






l can't believe you used my lipstick.



This is going to cost me $   .



$    for a lipstick?



-No, a trip to the cosmetic counter.




ls everybody having fun?



He's cute.



-Where's my hat?

-Right there!



-Have you seen my hat?

-Right there!



l'm going to get another apple juice.



He's got a special birthday hat for you!



There you go!



And he's got something for you!



Hannah, when is your birthday?



Three more months.



Three months? l can't wait that long.



Me, too.



l cannot wait to give you your present

for three months.



You can write anything you want in there:

your secrets, your dreams...



...and only you can read them.



lt's wonderful!






Mr. Lucky's got one for you! There you go!



And Mr. Lucky's got one for you!



There you go!



Who else wants one?



-How's it going, Chef?




lnteresting bunch over there.



Yeah. That's part of a parenting group.




l'd rather belong to a satanic cult.



Probably be easier on the kids, yes.



-Boy, they really like these suckers raw.

-So how old is....






How are you?



Great party.



Thanks, Elliott.



l particularly liked the part

where Mr. Lucky couldn't find his hat.



l never get tired of that.



Can you make purple?







Do you want magenta purple

or fuchsia purple?



Emily said you were good.



What else does our friend say?



That you're a great dancer.



l'll settle for that.



-So how old is--

-Pin the Tail on the Donkey.



l forgot to put up the donkey.

Can you believe it?



Peter! Didn't l just see him?



You know what?

We really have to be going.



-But aren't you going to stay for cake?




l'm sorry. Jeez!



-Thank you.

-You're going?



You don't want any cake?



Thank you.




-lf you're going to have a hot fling...


            might as well have it

with someone who looks like that.






You wanted to meet my friends.

l guess they don't hold your attention.



They seem like very nice people.

We don't exactly have a lot in common.



-So what?

-No. You don't.



You make that sound like an accusation.



You wanted to come,

but you just wanted to come and go.



l'm not leaving.

This is my goddaughter's birthday party.



l'll stay till the last gift is open

and the last kid goes home.



All right. You want me to stay, l'll stay.



l never wanted you to come

in the first place.



All right.



l get the picture. You'll get home all right?



-Kathy will take me.




Remember we said we would stop this

when it wasn't fun anymore?



Are we having fun now?






Careful, Liana.



l know.



Elliott leave?



Why can't l be attracted to a nice,

solid professional?



-You got any divorced MBAs around?

-l liked him. l thought he was disarming.



-We broke up.

-ln a phony sort of way.



And look what he calls purple.



You can do better than that.



-Anyway, his bod wasn't that great.

-Yes, it was.



Yes, it was.



-Are you okay?




Great party, Mom.



Come to dinner Friday.



l can't. l'm supposed to be

in Denver on Friday.






Elliott's got a show there

in a couple months.



Tommy's Denver?



-Emily, you gotta look him up for me.

-And say what?



He's got a sporting goods store

right downtown: Andrews Sporting.



Pretend you're buying a gun.



You haven't seen him since you were   .

He's probably fat, bald, and ugly.



Great! What better way

to put me out of my suffering?



Think about it. Why spoil a great fantasy?



lt's beginning to make my marriage

look like sludge.



-You have a wonderful marriage.




Come on, do me a favor. Just look at him.






The last thing are these two there.



Jamison Thomas Gallery?



Which one goes on the left?



lt's not enough just to look him up.



This one. Definitely.

What are you talking about?



l have to know what it's like.

You must sleep with him.



l've got a plane to catch in    minutes.

Are these the invoices?



Listen to me.

Someone's got to complete the mission.



l can't sleep with Tommy, but you can.

lt's the only way.



Don't say another word. l'm your gal.



-You're not taking me seriously.

-Yes, l am.



Go there and not sleep

with your ex-boyfriend? That's stupid.



You don't seem to understand.

This is really getting to me.



l'm just asking you a simple favor.



l'll try to look him up, okay?



Thank you!



And Saturday, come straight

to my house from the airport.



And when you meet him, don't wear this.



l hate this on you.



Three plus three is six.



One plus one is two.



-   plus    is   .

-Wait, Mom. Give us a few more minutes!



lt's  :   Saturday night.

You know the rule.



Okay, bed. Come on, Hannah.



There you go. Did you brush your teeth?



All right. Thank you.



How about you? Brush your teeth?




-Good girl.



Good night, sweetheart.



-Good night, Mommy.

-Good night, Mommy.



Come on, Ollie.



Good night, Ollie.



Did l mention that l love you?



-l love you, too, Mom.

-l love you.



Good night.



The attractor splits in two.



Magnetic fields drift.



lmpulse becomes erratic.



''She walked in the room



''So she could rub his neck



''Then she gave him a little kiss



''Something like this



''Then on Monday,

she calls him on the phone



''Says she'll bring the kids home''



From ballet lessons so that l can

stay at school and correct papers?



Fat chance.



-l'm so glad l'm married to you.

-What brought that on?



Your music. lt's beautiful.







-You lie like a rug.

-l don't lie!



-l'll get it.

-No. That's Emily.






lt was a good trip.



Did you see anybody l know?



Hey, Em.



-Spill it.

-You sure you want to hear this?



He's a fat slob.



Emily, what is the point

if you don't tell me?



ls he married with five kids?

ls he a bum? ls he dead?



What? See?

Look, l'm just making myself crazy.



-You sure?

-Tell me!



You did me the favor.



-What are you talking about?

-l'm talking about Tom.



The big, strong hunk

in the red flannel shirt...



...with a tongue like velvet

and the arms you could die in.



You met him?



No wonder you always

fantasize about him.



This one's a man!



Capital M-A-N, man.



lf there were a nuclear war,

Tom's the one l'd want in my bomb shelter.



He sure grew up.



Actually, if there wasn't a nuclear war,

l'd want him in my bomb shelter.



You don't have a bomb shelter.



And get up off the floor.



Kathy, this man made me feel

like a woman.



-What do you mean?

-We talked. We laughed. We danced.



-So the two of you....

-All night.



Honey, we're trying to talk in here!






Tell me everything.



l could still see him as the plane took off.



l could still smell him.



That's everything.



And to think l almost didn't even call him.






The man knew what l wanted before l did.



You seem upset.



No, not at all.



No. Couldn't have worked out better.

See? lt's finished.



He's out of my mind,

and l have you to thank for it.



l never have to think of him again, ever!



You're mad at me.



Kathy, l did you a favor.



lt was your idea for me to sleep with him.



Once! Not eight times.



The shower doesn't count. We didn't--



Can't you do it on a bed

like normal people?



l never told you to do it

on a butcher block!



This may come as a surprise to you,

but l did it for me.






Did you talk about me at all?



You've got Peter and the kids.

Let me have my one lousy night in Denver.



Did he ask for my number?



Yeah, he asked for your number.



Good night, Peter.



Leaving already, Em?



-Want something to eat?








You're missing out.



See you later.



All right.



l guess it's you and me, buddy.



What was that all about with Emily?






A teacher from Princeton started today.



Joe Dubin.



He's a brilliant guy.

They just throw grants at him.



He sticks with basic linear questions like:



''How big is it?'' and

''How long does it last?''



So he gets a lot of equipment.



He gets a lot of attention.



But l don't know, l think he totally ignores

the disorderly behavior...



...of a lot of important phenomena.



Can't deal with it.

Doesn't know what to make of it, right?



My stuff, you know...



...this equation that l'm testing

about reversing magnetic fields....



With that stuff,

l gotta deal with disorderly behavior.



Because patterns can be stable...



...but when they're really fascinating

is when they're...









Wild and abandoned.






So you look at the patterns.



Logic gets you so far,

then you gotta go on a feeling.



You've got to follow your intuition.



l've got a feeling

that there is a point of crisis...


            stable systems of magnetic fields...



...where small changes get magnified,

and then all of a sudden...



...everything goes amok.



l don't know. lt's just a feeling.



That's why l say fractal geometry

is a lot like the blues.



The passion, the power, the mystery....

l don't know.



Sometimes you have to look at things

in the periphery...



...because if you look right at it,

you don't see what's there.



l'm sorry.



Are you hungry?



l'm going to make you one of these.







Give somebody else a chance.



-Beautiful sermon.

-Thank you.



Beautiful sermon.



Hannah, here!



lt's always a tragedy...


            see a young man cut down

in the bloom of his life.



He was a good father

and a wonderful husband...



...although sometimes inattentive.



He always performed satisfactorily...



...but not with the enthusiasm

of the early years.



Nonetheless, it was a cruel,

shocking blow to those he left behind.



We ask God to comfort and restore Kathy...



...easing her through

the next few months...



...which l know will be a trying

and lonely time for her.









-Are you okay?







We're okay.



l'm having a hard time with this.



-You forgot me!

-Thank you!






Boy, that sermon....



-You seemed to be listening to every word.

-Did l?



l would say....

Not just me, of course, others would say...



...when l was at Princeton.... Grazie.



When l left Princeton, and not just because

l was chairman of the department...



...l think it was the finest math

department in the country.



lt was?



The finest? Because....



l left.



Never mind why.



Okay. l'll tell you. Woman trouble.



Grad, undergrad, what's the difference?



Don't ask me, Joe.

l'm the father of two daughters.



There's a headache.



You don't expect them to be virgins

by the time they go to college...











-That's a good answer.

-No. lt's just that they--



-l'll get it.

-No, l'll get it.



No, honey. l got it!



Boy, she sure comes alive

when the phone rings.



Might l suggest lithium?






For Kathy, aspirin is a psychedelic.




-Hi. This is Tom.



That's not funny.



You've lost your sense of humor.



l'll laugh when it's funny.



I just wanted to remind you

of Elliott's opening on Friday.



Dennis Hopper will be there.

Put your name on the list?



Okay. l'm not sure we can make it.









Anybody been hanging up

when you answer the phone?



Yeah, her mother.



Don't tell Kathy.



-Who was that?




Couldn't you two guys make up?



Historically speaking,

when two women fight...


           's usually over a man.




-l'm sorry.



Good shot. Two points.



-Excuse me. l'm sorry.

-That's all right.



-Does Emily know Dennis Hopper?

-l don't know.



'Cause we could be talking to him,

you know.



Does the guy talk?

l don't know. He's short, l know that.



-Short? He looks very tall.

-No, he's very short.



Honey, you're so good at this stuff.

You always know what to say.



There's the bar.




-l'll start there.



Would you all excuse me? Enjoy the show.



lt's all yours.



l almost hate to part with it.



-You've made a great discovery in Elliott.

-You have a good eye, Mrs. Konzulman.



Can l have a moment with you?



This is Mrs. Konzulman.

She just bought this piece.



Great. l hope you enjoy it.



l will. lt's so pretty.



-Yes. What exactly do you--

-We have some business to attend to.



Enjoy it.



''Pretty''? Did she say ''pretty''?

No, Elliott, she said ''evocative.''



lt is evocative and lyrical.

lt is evocatively lyrical.



Thank you.



And might l add, you're looking

very evocatively lyrical tonight.



So you want to consummate the sale?






l miss you.



-l miss this.

-l'm sure you do.



All right, Emily.



l screwed up at Gina's birthday party.



l'm sorry. But that's it? No more fun?



l've had plenty of fun.



l need something more.









So use me until the right guy comes along.



l think he has.



That's all you had to say.



Say, have you seen Dennis Hopper?



Basically, l added another name to my list,

which l certainly didn't need...



...and l can tell you, it's another regret.



What can l say, Kathy?

We were swept away.



Tommy doesn't get swept away.



We spent two years

not getting swept away.



Of course, l don't strip

as soon as l get into a man's apartment.



No. You only pimp your friends.



You know what l regret about this thing?



l regret that l told you, and l'm not

going to tell you anything anymore.



$     ?



l'm sorry about you and Emily.

l hope you guys can still be friends.



Yeah, me too.



Although it can be hard being friends if,

say, either of you finds someone else.



You dating anybody new?



No, l'm not.



And Emily....



She is.



But l don't have to tell you that.



The man from Denver?



She met him in Denver?



What has she told you?



Nothing. What has she told you, anything?



-There you are.

-Honey, you remember Elliott?



Yeah. This is great stuff.



Hi, Peter. Thank you.



-lt's a little steep, but it's pretty.




lt's a little claustrophobic in here for me.

Can we go?






Great. Really, good show.

Elliott, beautiful work.



l never saw Dennis Hopper.



Hello, lover.



l'm so glad l came.



You know, l can't believe

that you and Kathy are friends.



You're so much more beautiful

and sophisticated than she is.



l feel sorry for her.

She's such a pathetic little thing.



Yeah. l can barely remember her.



Her hips have really spread

since she had the children.



Honey, what?



lt's horrible.



Was it a nightmare?



-lt's over.

-No, it's not.



l wish it was, but it's not.



Want some water or something?



-Promise me!




-l said promise!

-Okay, l promise.




-Find someone else for Emily.



That's your nightmare?



She's lonely. She doesn't have anybody.



She doesn't need my help.



Men find her very attractive.



-You promised!




Yeah. l'll think about it.









So, blah blah blah, and when asked

about this comparison to Einstein...



...Prof. Dubin said:



''Einstein flunked math. l didn't.''



You can keep that one. l've got copies.



-l can't find my keys.

-Can't wait to get me inside?



Joe, it's late.



Late, yes. But let me ask you this:

You really don't want me to leave, do you?



l have to get up early tomorrow.



lt's  :  .



Then how about a little good-night fuck?



Good night, fuck.



That's good, Emily, you little minx!



Come on, Emily.



Don't make me beg, okay?

l'm not the type. lt doesn't suit me.



All right. l'll beg. Emily!



Honey, when's dinner?



You want to know when dinner is?

l'll tell you when it is.



lt's when we're good and ready.

That's when it is.



We're having brownie stew tonight,




Or you just remember how to be waited on

and how to stuff your face?



ls that what you think l do

when l leave the house?



l go someplace and l stuff my face?



l'm sorry l'm taking so long.



Honey, no. You're doing great.



l work hard for the family.



l'm killing myself trying to separate

oscillations on fractal boundaries.



How very meaningful.



''How very meaningful.''



That brings up an interesting question...



...because what is ''meaningful''?



Regard for each other,

that could be meaningful.



Love, friendship...






Those things, they can be meaningful.



Looking at your husband with compassion

in your eyes instead of resentment...



...that could be meaningful.



You act like l did something wrong

or let you down in some way.



lf l have, you should tell me.



You haven't let me down.



lt has nothing to do with you.



What's it got to do with?



lt's silly. lt's....



Emily and....



That fight is worth all this?



You've been pretty awful lately.



l don't think l deserve it. Does Emily?






Okay, let's see.






lt's over! l've got a handle on it.



l've got a wonderful life.

l'm keeping it that way.



Tom Andrews is not a part of it.



He's a part of your life now,

and l can accept that.



Want to come in?



lf the two of you

can find happiness together...



...l'm certainly not going

to stand in your way.



What are you talking about?



-You and Tom.

-There is no ''me and Tom.''



-But you told Elliott there was a new guy.

-l told him that to get rid of him.



No ''you and Tom''?



lt was one night.



You had the relationship with him.

l had one night.



l wish it could have worked out

for the two of you.



Kathy, you're so full of shit.



l don't want to talk about me and Tom,

nor about you and Tom.



Never mind that pompous asshole

your husband fixed me up with.



lf that's what you came here to discuss,

try the mirror.



There's one in the bathroom.



l've really been selfish, haven't l?



l'm sorry.



And l'm pregnant, l think.









-How late are you?

-About five years. Shall we?



What is it we're looking for?



lf it's positive, a doughnut forms.



A doughnut?



What do you mean, like a ring?



Yeah, but they call it a doughnut.



Why don't they just call it a ring?



l guess it's a potentially

sensitive subject for some of us.



l know you haven't taken Elliott seriously,

but this might be a good time to start.






-A doughnut is forming.




A doughnut...








l think l'm going to be sick.



Okay. Prenatal vitamins and Valium.









You shouldn't take tranquilizers.



l won't be taking both.



''Two hours before procedure.''



Tough decision.



Thank you.



Excuse me.



Good luck!



You baby!






Decision is made.



-Don't start.

-l can't help it.



-When are you gonna tell Elliott?




lf l'm not sure l'm ready,

you can bet he isn't.



That's not fair. You gotta ask him.



-lf not, it will be a long pregnancy for me.

-Lighten up.



Fasten your seat belts. Get ready....



-What are you doing?

-Why not?




-l'm light. All right?



-This is nuts.

-You still gotta tell Elliott.



l can't help it if l get too involved.



-What are you doing?

-Let's get going.



lt'll take    minutes

for that Valium to kick in.



-Don't tell Peter.

-''Don't tell Peter.''



She's going to tell him.

She's got to tell him.



She can't not tell him he's the father,

for heaven's sakes.



He's got to know.



lt's his baby, too.



Fathers are very important.



Yeah, Elliott's got to know.



Nice pill.



Hello. You got them.



Yeah. ls everything okay?



She didn't?



Fifteen minutes. l'll be there.



lt's Kathy's car pool day.



She forgot to pick up the kids.



-She's not home.

-Historically speaking, when a wife--



-Joe, save it.

-All right, sir.



Why, who could that be?



Emily, aren't you a sight for sore eyes?



You were right, Kath.

lt's hell out there without a man.



There, there.

Things have a way of working out.



Honey, do we have enough for company?



Hi, Em!



Staying for dinner?



We were just discussing her problem.



-Have you told Elliott?

-l can't.



He couldn't handle it.



But he's the father. He should know.



Elliott's got to know.



Elliott's got to know.






-Elliott's got to know.




Are you all right?



Peter! What time is it?

Where are the kids?



l got the kids.



lt's Tuesday. l got the kids,

because you wanted to sleep on the dryer.



l'm sorry. l took a Valium.






You took Valium?



lce cream!



What does Elliott have to know?



l can't tell you.

l promised Emily l wouldn't.



Are we all right?






Boy, ''yes'' isn't going

to cut it much longer.



At first it seemed as though

the tangential relationship...



...between the spheres of the y-axis...



...were going to overlap,

and I will be going into that very shortly.



-l know what you're thinking.

-No, you don't.



''Elliott's got to know.''



l'm glad l confided in you.



Jeez. Listen.



lt was a dream.



Dreams don't mean anything.



Really? Okay.



Here's a little physics for you, okay?



Remember Newton? Curly hair, chubby.



''A body at rest stays at rest.

A body in motion stays in motion...



''...unless acted upon by an outside force.''



l think we both agree,

Kathy is a body in motion.



What are you talking about?









So ''x'' equals Kathy.



This isn't Russian lit.



First of all, if she's not home...



...check if her diaphragm's missing.



l can't believe we're doing this.

l'll sneak into my house...



...creep down the hallway

and catch my wife folding my socks.



Don't forget to check

behind the shower curtain.



That isn't where she folds socks.



All right. Quiet.



She didn't say anything about going out.



They never do.



l think you were right. She was alone.



A woman won't go during the day

on a cheap tryst in a motel...



...because you're at work

and the kids are at school. You're fine.



-What's that? What did you say?




l thought you said something.



-She's probably going to Safeway.

-She probably is.



lsn't that Safeway?



Bye-bye, Safeway.



She's going to another store.

Lighten up. l'm sure.



You think all she does is shopping.



-l make it sound like nothing.

-There's more to her life than that.



l'm certain there is.



Her life's not so empty that

she has to have a cheap affair with a kid...



...just because he's young

and sensitive with blue eyes.



You're losing her.



l got her.



Unless her aerobics class meets

down here, we're onto something.






Look at the name!






Looks like what we have here

is a first time.



l know Kathy. She's not going to go in.



Cheer up. He might be a bad lay.



-l've never been in an artist's studio before.




Well, this is it.



-Just go ahead. Do whatever you're--

-Yeah, sure.



l could do this one of two ways:



l could feel you out, test the waters...



...see how you might react

to marrying Emily...



...and raising a family...



...or skip all that and just blurt out that

Emily's pregnant and having your baby.



Or l could just mind my own business

and not say a word.




-Bye, Elliott!






Nothing happened.

lt was only a couple minutes.



Unless, of course, he's a really bad lay.






Come on! You hungry?



Kathy? Hi, it's Elliott.



Hi, Elliott.



I gotta come over

and talk to you about the situation.



This isn't really a good time for me to talk.



No, don't leave me hanging.



l'm dying here.



How about tomorrow?









-You know where that is?




 :  . Great. You'll be there, right?



You won't drop another bomb

and run out on me again?



Relax, l'll be there. Bye.



How's it going?






Johnson's Mortuary is

in the black this month.






This is making me crazy.

What makes her think she's alone in this?



And she's out there somewhere

right now in this city...



...walking around

with a piece of me inside her.



And l'm so angry,

but l also want to protect her...



...but l don't even know what from.



God.... l'm okay.



l don't know exactly what a father does...


            if she'd even let me.



She's so damn independent,

but that's what l like!



So should l....



Should l call her?



Should l tell her l know?



Should l be drinking?



-l shouldn't have told you.

-No. She should have told me.



Maybe she didn't want

to put you in this position.



But l am in this position...






...l don't know what to do about it.



Before you confront Emily about the baby...


           've got to find out

what's there between you...



...without the baby.



-She's busy, Elliott!

-l know.



Carol, that will be all. Thank you.



l'd like to talk about us.



l want to talk about you.



We had a good thing going.



No ties, no talk of the future

from either of us...



...and it was nice.



lt felt good.



We liked each other.

Now suddenly, l'm out on my ass...



...because you decide

it should be something else.



Fine, but on top of that,

you decide l can't handle ''something else.''



So at this point,

you're trying to tell me my limits.



l'll tell you something, lady.

The only limits we've proven are yours.



-Elliott, when you reach my age--

-That's crap! Sit down!



You're not   .

Age has nothing to do with it.



lf l was auditioning for something,

you should have told me.



You should've given me that chance.



That's all.






Are you saying you want an audition?



You'd have to audition, too, you know.



That seems fair.



What a perfectly glorious day!



Hello. l'd like to welcome all of you

to the Odd Couples Lamaze class.



l like to meet mothers

in their second month...


            we can talk about nutrition

and prenatal care.



Then you can all go off

and grow those babies...



...and come back to me

in your seventh month.



Then we can get down to the fun stuff:



My name is Maggie Sand. l'm a Capricorn.



l have four children,

ranging in age from    down to  .



Each has a different father,

and l've never been married.



Don't laugh. That's me in    years.



Let's all take turns and tell

something about ourselves...



...and share the circumstances

which have brought us here.



How about you young people?



Hi. My name is Jill Topial...



...and this is my brother, Alex.



He's going to be my coach.



l like parties on the beach,

New Kids on the Block...



...and my favorite color is lemon yellow.



lt's my science project,

and if she's late with it...



...l'm in deep shit.



You be sure to get back to us

about that grade.



Quite simply, l am carrying the gift of life.



Mr. and Mrs. Moyer were unable to have

a child of their own...



...and so Mr. Moyer's seed

has been deposited within me.



Mr. and Mrs. Moyer...


            must be experiencing

the most interesting feelings.



Would you care to share them with us?







You go ahead.



Hi. l'm Debbie Rollins...



...and this is my wife Linda.



We just celebrated

our seventh anniversary...



...and Debbie got a big promotion.



We felt that having a baby

was the next natural step.



l have such a good feeling about you two.



-And our last couple.

-We're just good friends.



My name is Emily.

This is my best friend, Kathy, and....



l found myself pregnant,

and l've always wanted a child, so....



Well, l'm getting one.



l was born on the cusp.






Now, l want you all to write down

everything you've eaten today.



Good nutrition begins

with what l like to call...



...good food lQ.



Does spelling count?



You don't belong here, Em.

You're not an odd couple.



-Elliott should be with you.

-l'm thinking about it.



You are? Did the two of you talk?



He did.

l thought he had a lot of good points.



Good. l'm so glad he came through.






You told him.



Emily, you're going to need help.

Parenting is a two-person job.



-l know. l'm a mother.

-So am l!



-No, you're not. Not yet.

-Kathy, get a life.



Stay out of mine!

God, you're like a disease.



You invade someone's life

and attach yourself.



That's what l am to you, a disease?



Thank you very much!



Go ahead!

Cut the baby off from his father!



l have news for you:

l lied. lt's not his baby.



-What do you mean?

-What do you think l mean?



You're having my boyfriend's baby?



Your boyfriend? He's not your anything.



You're not part of his life anymore.

He hasn't thought of you in ages!



You think if l showed up

on his doorstep right now...



...he wouldn't get me into bed

as fast as he did you?



lf he was smart, he'd run!



No, he wouldn't!



l got a good feeling about you two.



Tom, there's something very serious

that you have to know...



...and l'm the only one who will tell you.



A child has been conceived.



Not in love, perhaps.



But in passion.



Now, l understand

that you were swept away...



...but Emily needs you.



Maybe you haven't given her

another thought since your night together.



ln fact, l'm sure you haven't.



Call me invasive.



Call me disease-like.



l just thought that you deserved to know.



Carol, hi. Guess who?



Hi, Elliott.



No. Emily's not here.



ls she going to Denver?



Gee, l really can't say for sure.



lt's pretty confused around here.



Okay. Bye, Elliott.



Excuse me. This is for you.



Thank you.



''There is someone else.''



''You're not the father.''






Kathy's visiting her mother in Chicago,

l'm sure.



Come on, Joe, there are good marriages.



l know. l had three of them.



Old town, please.

The number for Elliott Fowler.



Thank you.



l'm just checking.



-Checking is good.




Elliott's in Denver for a show.

He's staying at the Hyatt.



Nice place.



What airline is Kathy taking?



l am not gonna dignify that

with an answer.




-Thank you.



They fly to Denver, don't they?



l'm just saying.

l saw it in a commercial, that's all.



All right. l'll clear this up for you.



Doing a little hacking in your spare time?






And the password is....



Pan-Pacific Airlines, passenger manifest.



Very good.



Let's see. We'll search...



...for passenger...






''Whiting, Mrs.'' That's a good sign.



Flight     Portland to....



Portland to Denver.



So when you told me it was me,

you thought it was me.



Because Emily was protecting

your feelings.






Which means your boyfriend

is the father of my girlfriend's baby.



lf you want to boil it down

to one sentence, yes.



You must be just a little bit relieved.



Relieved that Emily

got knocked up by another man?



No, l would not say l was relieved.



l'm sorry,

your room won't be ready until  :  .



Elliott, can you park my bag?




-Great. Thanks. Bye.



Thank you.



''Gone fishing.''



Bullhead catfish?



They're twins!



Who's that, Tommy?



This one's Carol.









Let me give you a hand.



l'll have this for you in a second.

No problem, darling.



Thank you.






Thank you.



What a beauty, but not good enough,

l'm afraid.



Now this one....



This one is truly pathetic.



Mean mouth on this girl.



Who's that, Tommy?



Who is it? Chrissy!






-What you got there, Bootsie?

-Just a fish.



That's no fish!



Look at this thing. That's a Mack truck.



l need a hand with this one.



Boys, l think we got a winner at    pounds.



l christen you....



Go ahead, Bootsie. You take it.







Lola! Right!



Lola. There's the winner.



Give him a big hand.









Okay, guys.



l'm gonna get out of here

because you stink.



Thanks, Tom.



See you next year, Tom.






lt's so good to see you!

What are you doing here?



What, are you kidding?

Me, miss a big moosehead cat thing?






-Are you divorced?










So l guess this is just a friendly call.



Are you going to go to the reunion?



Here, let me get this.



The reunion.



l'll tell you....



The only person l wanted to see was you...



...and you're right here.



l sure am.






You know, of all the places

l've imagined running into you again...



...that dock sure wasn't one of them.



You've imagined me places?






Haven't you wondered about me like that?










l have.



lf l'd known you'd turn out like this,

l'd have imagined it a lot more often.



What do you mean, ''like this''?



l always thought you were

the prettiest girl in school.



And now look at you.



Just take a look at yourself.



You're such....



You're such a woman.



You have this assurance about you,

and this....



l don't know, this sleekness.



Don't get me started here.



No, go on.



Let's just say l'm regretting

all that restraint l used...


            high school.



Tell me about it.



Yeah. Okay.



Am l going to take you out to dinner

with fish gunk on me, or without?






l'm glad you're....






Where is she?



-What do you know about it?

-l know.



l know a lot more than you think l know.



Did you know she's pregnant?






And it's not even mine.



Peter, if you were me,

would you still want her?



l can't help it.



What the hell do you care?



She's my wife!



Kathy? l'm not talking about Kathy!



What about this?



l'm storing it for her, Peter.



Do you think l'm an idiot?



No, wait. Hold on. Just chill, all right?



Your wife is here to look up

an old high-school boyfriend, Tom.







Tom Andrews.



Tom Andrews. Okay? So just chill.









We'll see.



All right.



What a nightmare.



All right.



''Andrews, Tom.''



Kath. Get that, will you?






l'm really sorry.



Fowler. l need ice badly.



Big bucket. Thank you.




-Just tell me one thing--



-Who are you here to see? Me?

-What do you mean?



-Tom Andrews.




Peter, Kathy.... Just tell me.



ls Kathy in Denver?



Yes. She's with Tom.



Peter went out to find her.

He hit me in the face.



-Now, you and l, we're going to talk, Em.

-Kathy's with Tom?






l am through being an idiot.



You know, listening to other people.

You and l will....



There's nothing like a fire, is there?



You look especially good by firelight.



Gosh, it's too bad it'll go to waste...



...since we'll be going out

in a few minutes for dinner.



Why don't we order in?



You'll find some menus

on the butcher block.



How about Thai?



All right. How about ltalian?



There's an extra $  

if you get me there before her husband.



What's the problem here?



There's more than one ''Elm,'' son.



The idea here is to relax.



Just let me work the pressure points.



Just pretend your hand is your body.



That's it.



l remember your hands, Kathy.



l remember your skin...



...and your shoulders...



...your neck...



...your lips....



l want you, Kathy.



Emily's having your baby.



Excuse me?



You're going to be a father.



l knew you'd want to know.



And you wouldn't want

a child of yours born...



...and not know about it.



No, actually,

that's always been a dream of mine.



Did Emily send you here to tell me this?



No. She's gonna kill me

when she finds out.



She doesn't have to find out.

We'll just say that you never came here.



She won't know you betrayed her trust

and l won't have to deal with a kid.



You can't mean that.



lf Emily wanted me to know,

she'd have told me.



l think the fact that she isn't here

should tell us both something.



-Hey! Babe.

-Hey! Yourself.






ls there a back way out?



-What are you doing here?

-What am l doing here?



Why don't we sit down

and talk about this quietly?



Because her husband will walk

in that door any second!







Good for you. Now, where's the back way?



There isn't one.



We'll just have to wing it.



All right.



Say you came to tell Tom

he's the father of my baby.



That's why l did come here!



Right. Not looking like that, you didn't.



No, really. l just told him!



lt's the eleventh hour. Cut the crap.



Give me your dress.



-Turn around.

-Why are you doing this for me?



Don't tell me it's because

you love me and forgive me.



l couldn't bear the guilt.

So don't tell me that is the reason.



lt's because l love you and forgive you.



You deserved that.



Holy mother!



We'll laugh about this when we're   .



God. Elliott.



You thought l wasn't ready

for a relationship.



-How many more guys you got out there?

-Excuse me?



Boy, l tell you, women....



Sometimes l just don't understand them.



She breezes into my life

for one lousy night...


            l'm in a paternity suit.



You slept with this guy?



l made her.



Pal. You want her? Take her.



Just a one-night stand to me, that's all.



You better--



You're hurt. lt's all my fault.



You sure are a jerk.



ls this your mother's house?



ls this your mother?



How's your sciatica?



Peter! Kathy was just here

to tell Tom that l'm having a baby.




-But it's not Tom's baby. lt's Elliott's.



-Yeah! lt is?

-lt is?






Kathy, could you leave us alone?



Buddy, this is my house.



This is my wife.






You lied to me.



l know.



Nothing happened.



Nothing happened?



Define ''nothing''...



...because it seems to me

that a lot has happened here.



l'm trying hard to be objective,

so l want to know all of it.



Why are you really here?



Tommy's an old friend of mine

from high school.



He's an old boyfriend.






l missed that feeling.






You missed that feeling.



Yeah, you know,

the rush that you get when you're   ?



Honey, we aren't   .



l know.



l know.



lt's just that you feel special.



l just wanted to feel like....



Like a hot babe.



That's a problem, because you mean

l don't make you feel that way.



Peter, no. You're my husband.

You love me and l love you, and--






l love you.



But what?



lt's not about you. lt's not even about him.



You see, l was making myself miserable.



l wasn't even that miserable, really.

l was kind of happy...


            a miserable kind of way.



ls that worse than being miserable

in a happy kind of way?



No. lt's better.



Because you kind of enjoy your misery.



l'm glad somebody did.



Peter, l'm sorry.



What else can l say?



lt's that....



Misery, l know something about that.



''Misery takes you down



''Drags you all around



''Takes you all over town



''Till you've lost what you found''



You got it to rhyme.



Come here.



l want to rock you, mamma,

like your body ain't got no bones.



Let's blow this place.



You know, we got a good thing here.



-l know we do.

-No. The sitter, at home.






lt's set for overnight.



And l got a hotel room.



You be bad, girl.



The cards are on the table.



l don't want you to feel obligated.

Straight answer:



-Do you want to be together?

-How can she ask me that?



Things are gonna change.



You're infatuated with a sophisticated

woman, out there on the edge.



-You're not out on the edge.

-Yes, l am.



No, you're not.



Actually, you can be

kind of a drag at times.



Then you can't possibly want me.



Straight answer?









Watch the face.



lt doesn't hurt.



Honey, we're trying to plan

a wedding up here!





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