Fierce Creatures Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Fierce Creatures script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the John Cleese movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Fierce Creatures. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Fierce Creatures Script





I'm here to see Rod McCain.



Willa Weston.



I'm not gettin' an answer.



You'll have to wait, ma'am.



I'm starting work here today,

and I can't be late.



Can I help?



I don't think so.



Could you try Mr. McCain's assistant

again, please?



I already did, ma'am.



You sure I can't help?



Am I not on the list?



Don't worry, Bill. I'll take her up.

She's from the White House.



Whatever you say, Mr. McCain.



Vince McCain. I'm the son.



This way. You are?



Willa Weston.

I'm here to manage WOCT networks.



And you are vice president

of marketing.



Yes, but mostly I just

wait for my father to die.



What was that thing

about the White House?



I was just changing

his perception of the situation.



First law of marketing.



So, what would you like to know about

the most powerful man alive?



Around here, he's known

as '' Rod Almighty.''



Wait right here.



He called me.



I'll be right out.

He called me.



Hi, Neville. How's it going?



Rod's busy.



Yes. Yes.



Oh, yeah! Oh, God.



Oh, God. Oh, yes!



I did it. I did the deal.






One-three-bloody-eight. Hit me.



You bloody beauty!



Way to go, Dad! We did it again!



- Oh, it's you.

- Dad, can I introduce--



I don't have time.

I'm late for the finance meeting.



- But, Dad--

- Shut up.



- What do we do about Detroit?

- Close it.



It's done.



Call me Rod.



- Welcome aboard.

- Thanks.



- Dad, I'd like to introduce--

-Just signed a beautiful deal.



Alliance Leisure, U.K.

The sweetest part is...



I snatched it from under the nose

of that bastard Murdoch.



- What are the crown jewels?

- Northeast Television...



and Great British Publishing.



There's a film distribution company,

    multiplexes, some bingo halls--



- Three ice rinks, a crematorium--

- Nice little owner, that, and a zoo.



- A zoo?

- Yep.



Gotta go, Willa. Finance meeting.



Back, Neville. So, make a lot

of money for me at--




- Sorry.



- What?

- Sold it this morning.



Don't worry.

We'll find something for ya.



Talk to you later.



- That's it?

- That's Dad.



- You mean I don't have a job?

- Look, Willa--



- I just gave up a vice presidency.

- No worries, Willa.



We've got lots of jobs.

We're always expanding.



Neville, check our liability

on the Detroit pension rights.



- Righto.

- Vince, go away.



- Where are my grapes?

- I'm sorry, Mr. McCain.



I wanted grapes!



It was a natural mistake.



I wanted grapes. Get the fruit.



- What's going on at that zoo?

- What zoo?



The one you just acquired

in Britain.



We put in a guy from Octopus TV,

Hong Kong.



Hard-nosed little Chinese bastard

called Lee.



He used to bein the Hong Kong police.

Speaks good English, but--



- Big cats over there, right?

- Yes.



And small mammal house there.



- That's right.

- Good.






Have you any background in animals?



Well, I've eaten a lot, you know.




Good evening.



Now, for those of you who have

not met me yet, my name is Rollo Lee...



and as of yesterday morning,

I have assumed command of this zoo...



and I shall be reporting to our new

owners, Octopus, Inc., of Atlanta.



Now, Octopus, of course,

is owned by Mr. Rod McCain, who...



as I'm sure you were aware,

is a remarkable man.



Starting with his father's

radio stations in New Zealand...



he has built up a global empire...



currently worth more than

six billion dollars...



and growing.



How much does he want in the end?






- What ?

- How much bigger does he wanna get?



Well, there aren't any limits.

He wants growth.



Presumably, he's aware

of Dr. E.F. Schumacher's...



concept of limited resources or,

as Jean-Paul Sartre puts it--



Any sensible questions? Yes.



- Are you going to close the zoo?

- Yeah.



I'm very glad you asked me that.



- No, you're not.

- Yes, I am.



- No, you're not.

- Now, look.



This zoo has to make money.



It does.



- Yes, yes, but not enough.

- Enough for what?



Now, don't--



Actually, I will tell you precisely.



Mr. McCain requires

a   % return on capital...



from each and every asset

in his empire.



Why   %?



Because he does, that's why.



Could we explore

that thinking a little?






I thought not.



Despite the fact that current

management theory regards--



Despite the fact that current

management theory regards--



Now, the big problem is this:

How do we cut costs...



and attract more visitors?



I'll tell you from my experience

at Octopus Television...



exactly what draws the biggest

audiences all over the world.



Violence. Oh, yes.



Mr. Sylvester Stallone

did not get where he is today...



by playing in Jane Austen.



-What's that got to do with it?

-Therefore, in this zoo...



we require only animals

that are potentially violent.



Fierce animals.



All the rest, I'm afraid,

will have to go.



What d'you mean, go?



- We'll have to find them other homes.

- What? Outside the zoo?



This zoo is dedicated

to conservation.



- Yes.

- I am all in favour of conservation...



and the three things that I

want to conserve are this zoo...



your jobs and fierce animals.



He barges in here without

the slightest idea of what--



- You two don't seem very upset.

- We are, really.



- Because your animals are fierce?

- No, we think it's--



- Diabolical.

- What does he mean by ''fierce''?



A giraffe can kick a man's head off,

but you wouldn't call them ''fierce.''



It's the same

with sea lions and penguins.



I mean, people don't think of them

as violent, but they can be killers.



Why have you all gone quiet?



Are you trying to tell me

that coati is fierce?



Please! This is a wild animal.

It's not domesticated.



You take a liberty with one of these

things, they give you a very nasty nip.



A safety pin would give me a nasty nip.



I'll tell you what's fierce.

Fierce is biting the whole hand off.



- The whole hand?

- Thank you.



It is all right

if it wrenches the hand off?



Oh, yes, fine.



Lotterby, could I have

a word with you, please?



- These are your meerkats, correct?

- Don't do that, please, sir.



- They go straight for the throat.

- This new plaque of yours...



says that they're known as

''The Piranhas of the Desert.''



Is that right?



They can strip a human

carcass in three minutes.



My encyclopedia says they're

easily tamed and often kept as pets.



You've not been attacked

by one, sir.



Nobody's been attacked

by one, Lotterby...



or, rather, if they have,

they never noticed.



Now, these Patagonian maras of yours...



devastate entire

Argentinian villages, do they?



They completely wipe 'em out, sir.

Shocking to watch.



It says here they eat grass.



That's for hors d'oeuvres, sir.

When their blood's up--



Lotterby, you are trying

to deceive me into thinking...



- some of your animals are fierce...

- I'm talkin' about the rogue ones, sir.



when they are, in fact, loveable, cuddly

and surplus to requirements.



You want ever animal here a psycho?



Exactly. I want

a lethal weapon in every cage.



- So what do we do with all the others?

- Simple. Get rid of'em.



- Willa, can I ask you a question?

- Sure.



- Are those breasts real?

- Yes.



You know, Willa, you better be careful

dressed like that around here.



People will think you're

sleeping your way to the top.



Just as long as they don't think

I'm sleeping my way to the middle.



What are you doing?



I'm going to ask your father

if I can go run the zoo.






You want to go to the Third World

and operate an animal toilet?



Animals, paper clips, television

companies. It's all business.



Willa, these things smell.



With enough zoos up and running,

we are talking billions.



Wow! How about dinner tonight?

You can wear your office clothes.



No, I have to get up early.

I'm pitching it to Rod in the morning.



- What's the hurry?

- I don't want to give our ruthless...



little Chinese friend

time to make an impact.



I dare say they are upset,

Di, but I have a job to do.



- Yes, I know, but I--

- Look, I have to be hard-nosed, okay?



McCain demands it. All the time,

you've got to be tough, tough, tough.



God knows why.



You mean Octopus is ruled by fear?



No, no. Terror.



I've got this one chance to show that

I can run something or I'm out...



and at my age, scrap heap.



Mr. Lee, there's a call

from Atlantis.



- Atlantis?

- Atlanta.



Hello. Lee here.



Rollo, Nev here.

Rod would like a word with you.



That's right.

The wife and kids settled in yet?



Yes. Everything's absolutely

terrified here, thanks.



Sir, how kind of you to ask.



Rollo, Rod here.

Got the wife and kids settled in?



Yes, yes, yes, sir.



Let me know what you're gonna do to push

earnings up to our favourite   %, okay?



It's marvelous to have this opportunity

of explaining what I've got in mind.



- Hello, Rollo?

- Hello again, Mr. McCain.



It's Nev, mate. So the wife and kids

are settled in all right?



Look, I don't want to seem awkward...



but I'm not married

and I haven't got any children.



What happened to Rod?



He's been called away.

So let Rod know your plans, okay?



Zoos are not moneymakers, Willa.



Mr. McCain, with good marketing,

cash comes walking in the gate...



and with sponsorships, even more cash.



That was my idea, Dad.

I've got several lined up already.



Just think of it as a prototype

for a chain of cash cows.



Sort of a cash dairy, eh?



Sort of a cash dairy, eh?



This inclination towards absolutism

within the Austro-Hungarian empire.



C.B. Wedgewood in--



Yes? Come in.






- Here are the animals, sir.

- What animals?



The first batch of animals

that are definitely not fierce, sir.



Ah, good.






We tried to place them

with other zoos. No takers.



Do you mean of all the zoos in this

country, you can't find a single one--



Zoos are keeping

less and less species, sir.



Well, what about having people

take them as pets?



- Pets?

- Oh, come on, now.



They need expert attention.



Anyway, it's not allowed, sir.

Quarantine regulations.



Well, can we release them

back into the wild?



In the wild, there's no

safe habitat for this one.



What do you propose?



There's only one solution, Mr. Lee.

What the London Zoo proposed...



a few years ago when the government

wouldn't give any more funds.



- What was that?

- Shoot 'em.



Are you seriously telling me...



there's no other way of getting rid

of these animals?






unless you were to change

the Fierce Animal Policy.






You sure about that

in the circumstances, sir?



Perfectly sure, thank you.



- They're very dear creatures.

- That's not in dispute.



But you would like them killed

in line with your policy?



If you really have explored

all the other avenues, yes.



I mean, if extermination

is the only choice, so be it.



I'm sorry, but I see no alternative.



The Fierce Animal Policy...



is absolutely essential...



for the continuing survival of--



- What are you doing?

- Well, it's just that...



we'd rather not shoot them

ourselves, sir.



- We're very fond of them.

- We're keepers...



and now we're not keeping them.



Oh, I see.

I'm shooting them, am I?



- If it's not too much trouble.

- No, no, fine.



Do you have my diary there?

Thank you.



You will make it quick, sir,

won't you?



Do you mean I'm not allowed to

torture them a bit first just for fun?



- You wouldn't do that!

- I wasn't being serious, stupid girl!



Hardly the time for jokes.



Bye-bye, Suzie.



Bye-bye, Petal.



I tried.



Be brave, Mitzi.



Bye, Rollo.



I'd prefer it

if you called me '' Director.''



I was talking to the lemur!



The lemur is called '' Rollo''?



She named him after you.

It was a mark of respect.



Would you pass

the marmalade, please?



You should have seen his face when he

realized he was supposed to shoot them.



Without wishing to detract from your

award-winning performances...



may I be so bold as to inquire

what you hope to achieve by this prank?



It wasn't a prank, Bugsy. We're tryin'

to confront him with the reality.



If you paint him into a corner,

you'll find that he will--



Shut up. He's not

a cold-blooded murderer.



We've given him the five sweetest,

cuddliest, most loveable--



- I told you so.

- Shut up!



Bugsy, he'll start on yours next.



- Yes?

- Hello, Rollo.



- Yes?

- Vince here. How you doin'?



- You having dinner?

- Dinner? It's  :   in the morning.



Oh, were you asleep?



Yes, I frequently am

at .:  a.m., I'm afraid.



Filthy habit I picked up

in the Far East.



Gee, if this communique

is in anyway sleep-interruptive...



- I'll re-telephone you later.

- It's not sleep-interruptive, really.



Let's chat now. I can always catch up

on some rest. Christmas probably.



- Right.

- Good. Let's talk marketing, shall we?



- Good.

- Yeah. First thing tomorrow...



I'd like you to send me the most current

marketing figures you've got, okey doke?






Rollo, hi.



Willa Weston here.

Are you all right?



No, no. Not now. Not now.



- You got a problem with now?

- No, no. I'm fine.



Don't do that.

Sorry. Hang on a moment.



Suzie, be quiet.



Hello? I'm going to put you

on hold just for one moment.



Okay? Thank you.



Another filthy habit

he picked up in the Far East.



Now, you just go over there.

Right. Stay.



Don't, don't, don't.

Just stop it.



I've got to talk

with those marketing Moonies.



Just go over there and play

with each other. Right. Go on.



- He's got two girls.

- Go away, Suzie.



Suzie, what are you

going down there for?



No, stop licking my-- Careful!



Don't bite.



No, I can't fool around with you now.



Don't pull. Don't pull.



Get-- There.

There. Stay. Stay.



Cindy, get off the bed.



Cindy, off, off!.



- I don't want you now.

- Three girls?



Cindy, go away!



All right, all right.

Just go.



Oh, that is disgusting.



Sorry. I had a bit of a cramp.



Hello? Hello!



He must have eaten

a whole rhino horn.



Now, there's a thought.



I'll be right back.



Take your time.



How does he get three girls?



Where does the third one go?






The place is probably crawling with

young, beautiful female zoo keepers.






I hate it when people abuse

positions of trust...



for their own personal,

sexual gratification.



It's demeaning to women.



- Tell me about the sponsorships.

- What sponsorships?



The ones you told Rod about.



- I made that up.

- Vince, I told--



What are you doing?



I'm getting undressed for sex.

I thought you were in the bedroom.



I was getting us dinner.



You wanna eat first?



Oh, goody-goody. Goody.



Vince, I invited you

here tonight...



to say ''thank you''

for helping me with Rod.



Not to jump in the sack with you.



Whoa, wait, wait--

What is the problem?



I really like you.



Who knows what might've happened?



Oh, you mean if you weren't

going to England tomorrow?






Look, it's all right.

I understand.



- Really?

- Yes.



- You sure you're okay with this?

- Yes.



- Really?

- Yeah, I'm fine.






'Cause I'm going with you.



- What?

- Yes! Surprise!



I talked to Rod, and he said

we could run the zoo together!






You're not gonna let him

go to Marwood Zoo?



I know it's only      miles away,

Nev, but it's a start.



Still, it's tough on Willa,

getting landed with the idiot son.



She can manage him.

She's a natural-born corporate killer.



Right this way, Mr. McCain.



- You have the questions?

- Yes.



Back, Nev.



No. No.






You better send a good

book keeper with him.



He would never dare

try to steal again.



Fakin' my signature.



Not after what happened

to him last time.



That's enough. You must be the

intellectuals. What do you wanna know ?



What about the    layoffs

if you close down in Chicago?



If any employees were let go, it would

depend on second-quarter growth...



If any employees were let go, it would

depend on second-quarter growth...



because we don't wanna lose anyone

unless it is absolutely necessary.



Weat Octopus are in the business

of job creation.



Currently, we employ more

than      people worldwide.



Sometimes circumstances require

parts of the company to be relocated.



It's inevitable in any business that's

going to face the competition, and--



Scared? Don't worry about Terry.

He wouldn't hurt a fly.



Actually, he would hurt a fly

being a Mexican red knee tarantula...



Brachypelmasmithi, and therefore

particularly partial to flies.



The point is that Terry...



has a bite relatively

harmless to human beings.



Yet you reacted

as though he were fierce...



which he isn't!



Yes, I've always had a bit of a thing

about spiders, actually.



So, if creatures

are thought to be fierce...



they are, ipso facto, fierce!



Sorry, Director.

We need the guns.



- What?

- Animal has escaped. We must catch it.



- We need three, sir.

- Tranquillizer darts?



Gerry's got the blowpipe, sir.

We need the real thing just in case.



- Okay, I'll get one too.

- Don't worry. We can handle this.



Keep back, everybody.

Please, keep back.



- What's going on?

-Just recapturing an animal.



Nothing to worry about.

It's not fierce.



Why have you got the guns then?



Just a precaution. Don't worry.

Everything's under control.



How did the black widow spider

get its name, Mr. Lee?



Because it eats its mate.



We've caught it, ladies and gentlemen,

so we can all relax.



And thank you very much

for your cooperation. Thank you.



Well done, everyone. Well done.



- What is that?

- That is an anteater.



Not too close! He's angry.



- Angry?

- They got wicked tempers, sir.



- Devastate small towns, do they?

- No, not--



- Stop, stop, stop.

- Look at the claws. They're diabolical.



Lotterby, you did not need

three guns to recapture this.



A sharp stick would've sufficed.



A sharp stick would've sufficed.



A sharp stick?

Believe you me, sir, his jaws--



It's an anteater, not a man-eater.



What would you be saying

if he jumped into that pram?



- What would you say to the child's mum?

- I'd be saying...



'' Madam, you were the victim of

an eight billion-to-one chance...



a leaping anteater, an evolutionary

mutant previously unknown to science.''



- They climb like monkeys.

- Will you be quiet?



Just get this fluffy toy

back in its enclosure...



and stop insulting my intelligence!



The tsetse fly, Muscidaeglossina.



- Ten blood-sucking millimeters long.

- Are you all right?



- One of the major disease carriers.

- I'm fine. I'll be okay.



- Is she hurt?

- Little local difficulty.



- She took a liberty with a bandicoot.

- A bandicoot?



- My God!

- It's just a flesh wound.



- A few stitches, I'll be back at work.

- Are you sure?



Don't worry. It's part of the job

with the bandicoots.



-Just be careful of those bandicoots.

- The bandicoots.



- Bandicoots, right.

- Pity about Pip's leg.



- But it's good for the zoo, isn't it?

- What?



- All this fierceness.

- What's that?



-Just a bite, sir.

- From what?



- What's going on now?

- It's the sea lions, sir.



Sea lions? What?

Are they attacking someone?



Thank you! Everything's fine.



Nothing to worry about.



Nice crowds today, Director.



Yes, yes, very good.



And she's a fully trained

telephone engineer.



- Really?

- Yes.



I didn't know that.

Enjoying the show?



- Stunning creatures, sea lions.

- Wonderful plumage.



Lovely movers, too,

considering the flippers.



God at His best, I'd say.



-She couldn't do that if it were fierce.




If it were fierce,

she couldn't go in there with them.



I'm     % behind the

Fierce Animals Policy.



But in a case of animals like that,

the attendances speak for themselves.



I understand the purpose of the policy

is to increase attendances.



But where attendances are already high

for non-fierce animals...



I would've thought there'd be

an exception to the general rule.



Then there's the African

migratory locust--









It's typical, isn't it,

these management types?



No inkling of interest in any

subject other than their own.



- Bit more.

- Not too much. Gotta look real.



Right. Better not do anyone else today

or he might get a bit suspicious.



- Oh, yeah.

- We don't want to make him too fierce.



I have a suggestion.

To make a complete idiot of him...



let's make those wounds

as realistic as possible, shall we?



Open the door!



Something wrong

with the sights on this.



I keep hitting coffee mugs. Right.



I'll see you three in my office,

 :   tomorrow morning.



Oh, my God!



Did you know that the anopheles

mosquito kills more people in a year...



than all the wild animals

in Africa in a century?



- Were you shooting more animals?

- No,just culling a few keepers.



Leg better, is it?

Miracle recovery or--



He's just shot a keeper!

Watch out!



- No, I haven't!

- He is in there dying! Look out.



Be quiet! Stop that or I'll--



- Everything under control.

- Oh, my God, he's gone mad!



Nothing to worry about.



Here we are. Yeah.






Mr. Lee, I'm afraid

there's been an accident.



Of course there has, Lotterby, and I

can promise you, it's the last one.



- What?

- This lady fell, Mr. Lee--



No, surely she's been savaged

by a chipmunk or gored by a gopher...



or disembowelled by a chicken,

hasn't she?



- Come on. Get off. I've had enough.

- What?



- Put that stretcher down, you two.

- I fell.



- She did. Scout's honour.

- I'm warning you, Lotterby.



Put the stretcher down now!



What are you doing?



- Oh, come off it.Just get up.

- She needs treatment.



- No, she doesn't.

- She's hurt her leg.



- No, it's fake.

- What?



It's fake blood.

Look. Taste it.



- It's fake.

- Fake?



Yes, fake. Try it yourself.



- Who is this?

- He's the director of the zoo.



- He's in charge.

- You've been rumbled, okay?



- What?

- You're not fooling anyone, so get up.



- What is going on?

- Don't you understand?



This is artificial blood.

The whole thing's a charade.



- She's not hurt.

- She is hurt.



She's just one of the keeper's wives.



- She's my wife!

- Look, taste the blood!



She's my wife!



- Taste the blood. She's your wife?

- She's my wife!



- Wait a moment.

- He's drinking her blood! Stop!



- Are you sure she's your wife?

- Of course!



-Just get away from her!

- Let's be sensible about this.



Count Dracula's telling me

to be sensible?



- What is happening here?

- He's sucking her blood!



- He's what?

- Look at his lips!



- He's the director of the zoo.

- You're Rollo Lee?



- Christopher Lee, more like.

- This woman is injured.



- She needs attention.

- I know she needs treatment.



- You just told everyone she didn't.

- Before you bit her.



- Are you in pain, Mrs.--

- Pike. No, but it's tender.



- I can handle this.

- No, you can't.



- I'm in charge. Yes, I am!

- No, you're not.



By God, you Americans are pushy!

Who the hell do you think you are?



Welcome to Marwood Zoo.



Can I offer you a coffee, doughnut?



- Cappuccino.

- That's him!



- There he is.

- You're under arrest. Come here.



- He shot a keeper.

- No, he didn't.



He tried to, but he missed.



Missed? Look at that.



- Get off her, you pervert!

- Rape!



So the big question is...



what am I gonna do with you all?



'Cause I'm almost certainly

on the scrap heap, you see.



Ah, well.



A pity. I like it here.



Look what you've done!

That's the second time.



Don't they teach you

any manners in Argentina?



If you do that again,

I will shoot you.



Coming! Come on.



Get in there. Quick. Quick.



- I still say we should just fire him.

- Okay, fine.



- You call your father.

- Come here, darling.



Now, quiet, you two.



All right. Suzie?

Suzie, come here.



He's at it again.



Come on. Get in there.



No fighting. Stop it.

Cut it out.



Oh, hello.



Can we come in?



You are still working, right?

It's  :   in the afternoon.



- Oh, do you want the report?

- Yes.



- So, we can come in. Okay? Yeah?

- Good idea. Good idea.



Bit of a mess, I'm afraid.

I just spilled something.



Look, Rollo, we've been

reviewing your situation...



and we've decided...



to reappraise your position.



- Away from the public.

- You saw the local paper?



Yeah, the ''Vampire Gunman

Runs Amok'' story?



That? Yes.

Bloody newspapers. Ha!



Report to me tomorrow at  :   a.m.

and we'll discuss the position.



And your new office.



One thing before you go.



About those five animals

that I'm supposed to have shot--



- Smart career move, bub.

- What?



Killing them saved

your ass from extinction.



- Oh, I see.

- No, they just put it in.



Well, it wasn't an easy

decision, obviously.



You know, you've gotta

be hard-nosed, because...



toughness is the name of the game

if you want no-nonsense management.



After all, toughness

is what it's all about these days.



Toughness and hard-noseness. Well,

hard-nasality, as I mentioned before.



That is the bottom line,

as Rod often says.



Rod is right. Remarkable man.

Absolutely remarkable man.



Rod is right. Remarkable man.

Absolutely remarkable man.



Six billion dollars!

How extraordinary!



Damn radiator.



- Hardly slept last night.

- I bet.



Listen, Rollo, I don't like you.



You're weird and unattractive.

You'd better reposition your attitude--



vis-a-vis certain

members of the female staff--



or you're gonna be out of here.



''Certain members

of the female staff''?



Oh, please.



- Well, I think he's sexy.

- Sexy?



He looks like a giraffe in drag.



Did you get a whiff of his cologne?

Eau de Monkey Fart. He's a geek.



The way he moves, it's like he's

borrowed his body for the weekend...



and hasn't figured out

how it works yet.



He's got something. He's been demoted,

and the girls are still all over him.



I bet they're real dogs. Mangy,

nearsighted, weight-watcher rejects.



God, he's so male.



- Him ?

- No,Jambo.



Look. Isn't he wonderful?



- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Reminds me of my father.



Was your father ugly?



No, it's just I didn't

get to see him very much.



But when I did, he used to

take me to the Atlanta Zoo...



to see Willy B., the gorilla there.



That's when I felt close to him.



To the gorilla?



No, to my father.



Life just seemed simple then.



Yeah. Yeah.



Is this all he does?



I mean, because the zoo is after

the entertainment dollar, right?



Is that the show? Because if

this is the evening performance...



I'm glad I missed the matinee.



What do you do for an encore?

Fall asleep?



You really don't

like animals, do you?



It's not that I don't like them.

I just don't see the point.



I remember when I was five,

my mother got me this dog.



I just didn't get it.



I suppose I had nothing

I needed fetched. So I sold him.



- Oh, that's sad.

- Oh, he got over it.



No, for you. It's very sad for you

because you couldn't love a puppy.



This is the kind of conversation two

people have when one of them is female.






- Celebrate our partnership.

- Our partnership.



That's right.



However, there's just one thing

I couldn't help noticing.



I don't know if you did.

We still have separate bedrooms.



Just missed.



I mean, we have

taken over the zoo.



We are here in England.



To us.



I think it's too soon.






Because what we have is special.



No, it isn't.



Yes, it is.



It's too soon.



How too soon?



Goddamn it! Thanks, asshole!



This is your fault!






Oh, hello. Lovely evening.



What are you doing with that?



- Oh, the lemur?

- Yeah.



Oh,just putting it back

in its enclosure.



Why'd you take it out?



For a walk, you know, exercise.



It can hardly move in there.



The exercise is for me.



So what do you need that for?



That's a good point, actually.



Well, perhaps I won't bother

in future. Thanks for the hint.



Were you gonna use that

for target practice?



Or one of your orgies?



- Orgies?

- Yeah!



I'm onto you.



You were gonna put that somewhere.

You're sick!



Is there a history

of insanity in your family...



or is smashing up trolleys

the latest American craze?



No, the latest American craze, pal,

is firing weirdos like you!



Come on, Rollo, let's get you back home

before some loony attacks this trolley.



''Come on, Rollo''?



He's talking to himself,

and I'm the loony!



Animals are boring!



But people pay money to see them,

which led me to my latest inspiration.



We are talking about a whole

new concept in sponsorship...



that completely eliminates

the non-event impact deficit.



For instance-- What have we here?



An African spurred tortoise.



Who gives a shit, right?

I mean, look at it.



If it died, would we know?



My grandmother's grave is

a bigger attraction. But wait.



It's not just some

nonentity tortoise now.



It's Bruce Springsteen's tortoise.



Immediately, it's an event!



It's practically a celebrity itself.



Will he come and visit it?



- What?

- Will he come and visit it?



- Yeah, when his schedule allows.

- So he's agreed to sponsor it?



I'm expecting his call any minute.

But the potential!



We can market little

Bruce Springsteen tortoises.



Jurassic Park made half of its money

from those little plastic dinosaurs.



And they're even deader than

this heap of garbage! Follow me!



Now here we have a Brazilian tapir.



I have to say I've dated

better-looking women.



Now, listen to this





educational tool.



Brazilian tapirs.



Solitary, three-toedungulates which

inhabit lowland forests in sunny Brazil.



Reachable no win less than   hours

via British Airways'...



nonstop flights to stunning

Rio de Janeiro.



I mean, it's bad enough

having to wear this rubbish!



- I do know what you mean.

- I can only assume he's planning...



to turn the entire zoo

into a supermarket...



where he can sell videos

about animals in other zoos.



- I agree.

- The cheap little souvenirs...



the ones they didn't have time to see

because they were too busy shopping.



I'm surprised he hasn't started

selling all the animals here.



- Look, the point is this--

- Special summer sale.



Antelope,   % off.



Ocelots,     pounds each

or six for a thousand.



Rhino horn,just the job

for a Friday night.



- Could I say something?

- One free porcupine...



with every purchase

of two overpriced T-shirts.






- Thank you. I wanna make this point--

- If you ask me--



I don't!

I can't get a word in edgewise...



let alone ask you anything.



- You didn't kill them!

- What?



We checked! They're all alive!



You rascal. He was only kidding.



-Just figured that out, have you?

- I say.



And now over here,

this used to be the lion house...



but as it's no longer suitable

for animals...



we're using it for middle management.



What the hell

do you think you're doing?



Can you keep a lid on it till

the sun goes down, for God's sake?



Can you keep a lid on it till

the sun goes down, for God's sake?



You're supposed to be working,

not prancing around your cell...



like a flamingo with a boner!



Terribly sorry, ladies and gentlemen.

We're having a little problem...



getting the right balance

with his medication.



This is a family zoo,

not the Playboy Mansion, you pervert!



This is your last warning, Lee!



Follow me, ladies and gentlemen. It's

perfectly all right. Sorry about that.



Right this way. Right this way.



Now I know why

they keep him in a cage.



Yes, but we thought

you had actually killed them.



- I had to pretend I shot them.

- Why?



- To preserve my authority.

- What authority?



Yeah, all right, all right.




I'm just praying that Vince

doesn't fire me, 'cause I love it here.



Oh, come on, you just love putting

things in cages, being an ex-cop.



It's true, but this place

is still special.



- It used to be.

- What?



Before Vince McCain.



He is right at the bottom

of the food chain, isn't he?



I fail to see how

you can criticize him.






He's bringing

the crowds in, isn't he?



In order to raise the revenue

to the   % profit margin...



that you yourself were advocating

so vociferously less than a month ago--



No, that's not what I was saying.



- Yes, you were.

- No, I wasn't.



- Yes, you were!

- No, I wasn't.



What was the point

of raising it to   %--



All right, insect breath.

You really want to know what I think?



- Yes.

- Right. I'll tell you.



I think the whole

Octopus philosophy is poison.



The only aim of any and every

McCain business...



is to downsize

and halve the quality...



to make enough money to acquire

another business to downsize...



and halve the quality

to make enough money...



to acquire another business to downsize,

et cetera, et cetera...



without ever running

a single one of them really well.



And if anyone ever

raises the question of quality...



they're immediately attacked

as an elitist...



because at Octopus it's considered

morally offensive...



to talk about anything but money.



All so that Mr. Rod McCain can feel

a little more powerful every day.



That's why, instead of running...



this wonderful zoo properly...



we have to spoil it...



in order to finance

his next mindless acquisition.



On the other hand,

he is a remarkable man--



- Tea time!

- Half past  :  . We should be going.



I haven't finished! I haven't finished!



He is a true visionary of--




- I was just--

- Trashing Octopus. I know.



It didn't really sound

like that, did it?



Why do you work for us, Rollo?






We all have to live in the real world,

or this place is gonna close...



but I just want you all to know I intend

to run this one business really well.



And if you do, we could open a chain

of them all over the world.



Little zoos popping up everywhere,

all exactly the same.



Leopards on the left, rhinos

on the right, monkeys in the middle...



sea lions in the center,

ferrets in the front--



I hate these banners.






Oh, Vince, you idiot.



Are you all right?



Yeah, I'm fine.



Come on,Jambo.



Come on.



Good boy. There you go.



I have it. Yes, I do.

I do have it.



You okay, Miss Weston?



No, I'm fine, I--



I just--



Oh, you made contact.



That's great.



You don't understand.

I wasn't lying.



Oh, really?Just what? Altering

my perception of the situation?



I spoke with Springsteen direct!



Direct? Oh, really?



Yeah, he said, ''Vince, you were born to

run with this. You have my blessing.''



Then how come I have this

pissed-off fax from his agent?



Oh, this is just a negotiating ploy.



Just offer him   % of

the total tortoise revenue.



There is no tortoise revenue.



- Exactly. The point is--

- The point is, Vince...



that this sponsorship stuff

is degrading to the animals.



Like what?



Like that.



That's genius! There's not one

major award I won't win for that!



That is unacceptable.



- Take it off.

- But-- But--



It's brilliant.

It's never been done before!



Try to work out why.



- It's for the zoo.

- It's a perfectly reasonable...



- request for information.

- She won't tell me!



- She will!

- Not after what I said about Octopus.



She likes you.



She's the one who's always

on about consultations.



- She likes you.

- What do you mean?



What she means is, the pheromones...



that you are unconsciously releasing

into the atmosphere...



have the physiological

effect of increasing...



the statistical probability of her

taking part...



in some form of mounting behaviour, not

unlike that of an African grasshopper!



- Hello.

- Oh, hello.



- What are you doing?

-Just visiting some little friends.



Plenty of them at the zoo,

I've heard.



- Yes. Look, can I ask you something?

- Sure.



About some of these sponsorship ideas--



I wonder if you and your fiance

don't feel that--






We're not together.



Oh, good.






I know we're not making   %yet...



but some of the marketing

devices are a bit crude.



- Yes.

- Good.



Because, you know, the keepers...



and I were--



Oh, look at that.



Aren't they gorgeous?



Oh, they just make you

want to fondle them.



Oh, yes! Yes!

I see what you mean.






Is this one your favourite?



Yes, I like him breast of--



best of all the small mammaries.



Mammals! Sorry.



- Yes, his name's Rollo, actually.

- Really?



Yes, so I sort of feed him

some special tits bits--



Sorry. Tidbits.

I keep making boobs--



Anyway, he just loves his nuts.



Does he?



And is...



Rollo very sexually active?



Well, he doesn't have a partner

at the moment, you know, if he had one.






I mean,just one?

He wouldn't get bored or--



I mean, you had two

in your cage the other day.



Yes. Yes.



Only some of the sponsorship gimmicks

are a bit sexessive--



- Excessive.

- That's it. Sorry.



Freudian slit-- slut--






Sorry. Slip.



Rollo, do you really

want to talk about the zoo?



Well, I think we ought.



How about dinner, tomorrow night?









Well, yes, I don't think

I've got anything else on as yet.



No, that'd be fine.



Good. Dinner.






I think I like you.



Something in the air.



Fucking hell.



Damn it!



I can't have dinner with you tomorrow.

I'm having dinner with Rod McCain.



What, here?



No, at the Marwood Arms.

Wednesday, then.



Yes, but...



he's not gonna close us down, is he?



The zoo's safe. Rod trusts me.

Don't worry.



- Good.

- See you Wednesday.






I'd like to know what

McCain's really thinking.



Just because she trusts him

doesn't mean we have to.



I tell you, what you need to deal

with these big corporations...



is inside information.



- Where shall I put this?

- On the bed in our room.



We didn't have to use

something this big, did we?



The Revox A-   is known as being

heavier than comparable models...



owing to its three-motor design

and    -  /  inch reel capacity.



Would you like your bed

turned down now, Mr. Lee?



No, everything's fine, thank you.

Good evening.



- Acoustic response is required.

- Please, Bugsy.



How much longer will it take

to get this mike--



This FM transmitter will give

you wire-free remote sound--



Shut up! Sorry.



- I'm a bit on edge.

- We've got plenty of time.



- We have not got plenty of time.

- McCain's not due for half an hour.



Do you know the risk

we're taking here?



If McCain finds us, we're dead meat.



We'll be safely in there.



You do realize this is a criminal act.



- Oh, yeah.

- Good.



Wireless Telegraphy Act,      

clause five, subsection three.



- How soon ? How soon ?

-Just one microphone to check.



- Right.Just one?

- Yeah.



Another interesting thing about

the combination of the A-  ...



with a standard

hyper cardioid microphone--



Dead wasp.



Lucky you, Terry.



- You all right?

- Yeah.



- Any sign of anything?

- No, not yet.



- Everything all right?

- Fine.



- You can see the back entrance?

- Everything.



Great. Keep your eyes peeled.



Hey, over here!



Right over here!

Here we go! Yep! Whoa!



Let me get that, Dad.



Oh, damn.



Andas Professor Stephen Hawking

has pointed out...



if you're watching a star collapse

to form a black hole...



we must remember that

in the Theory of Relativity--



- Hurry up !

- May I point out that--



- Is the microphone fixed?

- Yeah, yeah.



Let's get in the next room, please,

and close the door.



- I'd just like to make a point--

- I don't care. I want you to be quiet.



- Look, I know my loquacity--

- Will you can it?



I mean,just for once?



Are you aware what

a complete windbag you are?









- They're here!

- What?






The door!



Other door!

Other door!



It's our special, sir.

The Churchill Suite.



I don't care what it's bloody called.

I just wanna know how much money it is.



We've had many famous visitors

over the years.



It's called the Churchill Suite




Sir Winston stayed here

on two separate occasions.



We do hope you will enjoy your stay.

If there's anything at all--



- It's Melbourne.

- All right. Gentlemen, ladies...



if you'll excuse me,

I have a rather important call.



A little bubbly? Have some champagne.

Come on. It's a big day.



I'm so glad to see you.



Yes, yes.

A grand day this is.



All right, how much?






Right. Right.



What'd be the cost of a plant

in Papua, New Guinea?



I'm gonna close Melbourne down.



- What?

- It's not being recorded.



I know!

That's why I'm trying to listen!



They shouldn't be so greedy.




Fax Atlanta about this.



Beijing called.



We've got the television rights

to their public executions.






- Five guys a week, guaranteed!

- Beauty!



This is what satellite television was

invented for. Totally cross-cultural.



So Vic-- Vince--

what do want to talk about?



- The zoo's going really well, Dad.

- Have you got the figures?



It's taken some time to whip

the Brits into shape.



Got some amazing plans.

You're going to be proud of me.



Just give me the figures.



You're not gonna believe

what I put together, Dad.



Probably not.



I really want to thank you, Dad,

for accommodating me, schedule-wise.



It means a lot to me, both as

an employee and flesh- and blood-wise.



Cut the crap.

It was on my way.



Done really well, haven't I, Dad?



Chip off the old block, eh?



- I'm reading.

- Sorry.



- Something here doesn't add up.

- If you read between the lines--



What are you doing?



The tarantula's escaped.



What? What?



- The tarantula's loose.

- What?



Told you I'd kick ass, Dad.



What I really wanted to ask is...



I feel really close to you, Dad...



these last few moments...



and I was wondering,

could I get a raise?



- Out of the question.

- Why?



- I don't have the money.

- You got six billion dollars!



Seven, but things

are tight right now.



What the hell's making

all this bloody noise?



Who's there?



What about a small advance

on my inheritance?



What inheritance?



I'm your son.

You have to leave me something.






'Cause you screwed up

my whole childhood!



How could I have?

Wasn't even there.



Besides, I'm not leaving.



- What do you mean?

- The moment I become seriously ill...



I'm being cryogenically frozen

till they find a cure.



All the money goes into a trust

till I get back.



You mean you're not gonna die?



Bad news, eh?



Get ahold of yourself.



That was a sheep.



You mean, you're gonna be immortal?



Now you got it!



This cryogenic stuff isn't cheap.

It's costing me an arm and a leg.



Sheep are exactly

like people, you know.



Give 'em a couple of meals a day,

they just stand there quietly...



till you eat 'em.



- Christ!

- What?



That's the biggest

goddamn spider I ever saw.



Yeah. That's probably what was

making the bleating noise.



- I don't like spiders. Kill it!

- It's terminated.






I missed!



It must've gone under the sofa.

I'll wait here.



Listen, Vince, you might

have to close the zoo down.






I can make a lot of money if I sell it

to the Japanese as a golf course.



- But Dad, I'm--

- Shut up.



And don't mention it to Willa yet.

Come on. Let's eat. I'm starving.



- Hello, Mr. McCain.

- Hello, Willa.



- Am I early?

- You're just in time. How's business?



- So great. I have so much--

- Good, let's eat.



- Do I look all right?

- Great, yeah. Never better.



- How'd it go?

- Really well. Let's go.



- Is that blood?

- Yeah, spider bite.



Come on. Let's go.



Terry? Terry!



There you are.




- Got him!

- Her bag!



Never again.



Not at my age.









What are you doing?



- Well, to cut a long story short--

- No, give me the long version.



Oh, right.

Well, I took the room next door--



just for the evening--

and just now I noticed that...



the interconnecting door wasn't locked,

so I strolled in out of curiosity.



You took the room next door?



- Yes, I wanted to...

-Just for the evening?



listen to some music!



Good news.

Customer pull-through--



way, way, way up!



And the feedback

has been sensational.



And I want to thank you

all personally for...



the enthusiasm you've shown vis-a-vis

our latest, new, innovative initiative.



You look fantastic!



You're no longer a bunch

of smelly old animal keepers!



No. As of today, you are official...



theme-zoo visitation

enhancement facilitators.



Now for the really big news.



This is it, ladies and gentlemen,

the coup de zoo.



If you'll just look this way.



- Look! A panda! How did you get it?

- It wasn't easy.



- It's beautiful. Look.

- Don't!



- Don't! Stop!

- It's a dangerous animal!



Stay away!

Back! Go on!



Get out, get out,

get out, get out!



You diabolical bastard!



You can't put an

animatronic animal in a zoo!



- Why not?

- It's not real!



So what?

It gave you a thrill.



People come from

all over the world...



who have never seen a panda

in their whole miserable life.



It's not a real thrill, is it?

It's artificial!



Having pandas in England

is artificial, for God's sake!



What do you want me to do? Put everyone

on a plane and fly them to Africa?






- They come from China.

- Not this baby.



This was handmade in Belgium.

I don't want some cheap Chinese panda.



What's the matter?

What is wrong with you people?



I can't stand

all this negativity!



- Why aren't you pleased?

- Go home!



What does it take to get

appreciated around here?



This is a hit zoo, thanks to me!



People come here to feel

their connection with nature.



You don't get that

with electric pandas.



We're just giving them

what they want!



What about the quality

of the experience?



No, Rod says quality

has never worked for him.



Right! Everything he touches

gets tackier.



- That's the price of success.

- Vince!



I had an extraordinary

experience yesterday.



What sort of experience?



- With him.

- With him?



A sort of contact.






- You couldn't understand, could you?

- Wait! Yes, yes, yes!



Yes, yes, yes!

I think I do!



I don't turn you on anymore because

you've got the hots for a gorilla!



It's not sexual.



He's clearly more attractive

than I am, isn't he? Yes!



But let me ask you something.

How much does he earn?



How much does Mr. Gorilla

take home at the end of the week?



Not a lot!

A couple of bananas!



You know how much I'm worth?

Do you have any idea how much money...



I have made since I've been

at this stinking zoo?



  .  million dollars!



- Yeah! Think about it!

- What are you talking about?



I've made nearly       

in sponsorship deals in cash...



plus consultancy fees,

plus commission on animal futures.



You've been stealing?



No matter what I do or what I wear,

I can never impress you.



- You're just like my father!

- This is going to close the zoo.



So what?



You and me, we walk away

with two million dollars.



The place closes. What a shame.

The Japs buy it--



Fore! '' Hore'' in one!



You know what you are?



You're pronoid.



'' Pronoid?''



It means that contrary to all

the available evidence...



you actually think

that people like you.



Your perception of life is that it's one

long benefit dinner in your honour...



with everybody cheering you on

and wanting you to win everything.



You think you're

the prince, Vince.



Well, let me tell you something.

You will put back every last cent...



into that zoo account

by    :   tomorrow morning...



or I am gonna call your daddy...



and tell on you.




Ready for dinner?



Fine, let's leave it.



Perhaps I should explain why I didn't

have any trousers on last night.



- It doesn't matter.

- No, right.



But you're wondering why the girls

didn't have any kit on either?



Look, I'm sorry, I--



I don't know what I've done

to upset you.



It's not you, Rollo.



I love this zoo.



I love zoo too.



The-- The zoo too.



It's all going wrong.

And now Vince has been stealing.



- Stealing?

- Yeah, and if McCain finds out...



I don't know what he's gonna do.



Okay, look. Let's find out

how obvious it is to Atlanta, all right?



First we'll see if the bank

reconciliation figures...



and the cash flow tie up.



Then we'll--



Thank you.



You know about this stuff?



I was in the police for    years.



It's not just hitting people on the head

with dicks-- Sticks! Sticks.







You see, it is pretty obvious to--



It is pretty obvious

if they know what they're--




I'm putting the money back...



but only because

I have feelings fory--



Oh, Rollo, not again!



How do you do it? I'm gonna call

the zoo vet and get you fixed.



Get the bimbo

out of Miss Weston's office.



I can understand the gorilla,

but not Mr. Disgusting.



- Vince!

- What is it? He drugged you?



Do you owe him money?

Was it a dare? What?



He's very attractive.






Attractive? How can you touch him?

Look at that suit!



The suit comes off.



I just got an image of that!

You must be desperate!



- Don't speak to her like that.

- '' Don't speak to her like that!''



Oh, engaged already, are we? You broke

up with that lemur pretty quick.



Whose heart are you gonna break

next week? Some warthog's?



- Where are you going?

- I'm out of here.



- Leave me the money.

- I think not.



- Vince, it's not yours!

- It is too!



I stole it while you were two-timing me

with the Creature from the Black Lagoon.



I wasn't even one-timing you.



- We never had a relationship.

- You were in love with me.



- Oh, please!

- You just can't admit it, can you?



You better hand that back

if you know what's best for you.



What century are you from?






Are you insane?

I mean, what is the attraction?



Well, for one thing,

he likes animals.



- He doesn't just like 'em. He f--

- Miss Weston...



finds them very attractive.



Do you mind? We're trying

to have a board meeting here.



We've been delegated by an emergency

meeting of the Keepers Committee.



What emergency?



Last night Rod McCain said

he might turn us into a golf course.



- He did not!

- Yes, he did.



- I was in the cupboard listening.

- The cupboard?



- He was too.

- It's true.



- I want your cage cleared by  :  !

- What did he say?



- I'd like to make five points.

- In a moment.



One: This zoo provides

a invaluable amenity.



- If we didn't have the   %...

- Any attempt to close it down--



by the end of the month--



- Bugsy, please!

- Shut up! I can't think!



- Not to mention mass protests--

- Hey! Yo!



Mouth-boy! Zip it!



Not to mention

mass protests--



My life is falling apart.

He will not shut up!



- Financial markets of the world--

- Shut up!



Second: In the conservation view,

there'd be considerable disruption--



I don't believe it.



I want to have a private word with

Vince while you're getting the police.



Okay, Rod.

So you're gonna close the zoo?



Too right. It's way under the   %.



You realize you're going

to have to shoot the animals.



- So?

- Well, this is England, mate.



We'll get some tame vet to say

they've caught some disgusting disease.



- Pity this isn't Texas.

- Why?



We could charge people

to do it for us.



Fifthly: May I remind you

it takes at least     months...



to decommission a zoological

facility of this kind.



- Shut up or I'll shoot!

- My God! He's gone mad.



What's this, the latest

Harvard Business School technique?



Or merely an extension

of your policy of consultation?



- You would rather talk than live?

- You won't shoot me.



- I will!

- Not with a  .   Baretta .  .



- Oh, really? Why not?

- The safety catch is still on.



Grab him!

Get the gun, get the gun!



What in bloody hell's

going on here?



Dad! You look great!

How ya doin'?



Clear off, you freaks!



- Who in bloody hell are you?

- This is Rollo Lee.



Mr. McCain. I'd like to make

five points about the zoo.



- Go away.

- Point one: The zoo--



- You've been stealing from me again.

- Stealing?



- My God, I've caught you red-handed.

- Oh, that!



I was just putting that back.

I borrowed that--



- Neville's gone to the police.

- What?



- You're going to jail, Vince.

- Oh, no! Not again!



Mr. McCain, Vince'll put the money back.

I promise.



Sorry, Willa, but I'm gonna

have to close the zoo too.



What? Why? We're up to   %!



- No, you're not.

- Oh, we are! We are with this!



- Are you sure?

- I swear it.



Nearly   .



All right, I'll leave it open.

But don't let it drop.



Say you won't have me arrested

or I'll kill you.



- You won't shoot me.

- Oh, yes, I will.



You haven't got the guts

to shoot your own father.



Yes, I do! Get back!



Go on then.



Go on, you spineless twat!




You're no son of mine.



Oh, yeah, good idea!



Give us all a good laugh,

you wuss!



I am not a wuss!



Wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss!



- Oh, God, I hate you.

- I hate you!



- Gimme that gun.

- It's all right. It's a Baretta .  --



You're fired.



Is he dead?



Oh, great.



Terrific. He decides to keep

the zoo open, so you kill him.



Brilliant. Well done.



Thank you so much, especially for

shooting him right between the eyes...



so that it doesn't

look like an accident...



because the people at Octopus will know

he was coming here to close us down.



So there's our motive

for murdering him. Stunning.



Well, Mr. Brain of Britain,

what are we going to tell the police...



who are, of course,

already on their way here?



Another example

of the thoroughness of your plan.



Go on. I'm all ears.



What do you suggest we do

with the dead body...



of the incredibly famous man...



who you have just assassinated?



Sorry, I didn't quite catch it.




What was it?

Pop him in the blender?



I know he's dead!

I did notice!



Well-- What?



Give it, give it, give it...



before you shoot somebody else!



What are you doing?



- I'm freezing him.

- Why?



He's gotta be cryogenically

frozen until they find a cure!



- A cure?

- Yeah.



- He has a bullet in the brain.

- Well, get more ice!



Vince, there is no cure

for a bullet in the brain.



It is very fatal.



- You mean he's dead?

- Yes.



- And he's not coming back?

- No. I'm sorry.



I'm so happy!

You're dead!



You're dead!

You're dead!



You big, fat bastard!



Yes, Bugsy!



High five! Low five!

I love ya!



Life begins!



So what are we gonna do?



I never have to listen

to you again, do I?



With your, ''You're no son of mine,

you miserable little worm.



You've been a disappointment

to me since the day...



your mother

farted you out of her womb.''



Good idea!



I need something to glue

the mustache down with.



I need things for the hair.



- Neville, that's good, mate.

- That's terrible.



Oh, no, those eyebrows are terrible.



- Squint your eyes together.

- Like that?



- Right like that. Hold that.

- Careful!



- Glasses!

- Oh, yeah, get the glasses.



- Give me cotton balls.

- Hello, Inspector.



Let's compare them.

Come on.



Mr. McCain looks paler-- much.



- What do you think?

- He's dead, you idiot.



- Oh, my God, it's not going to work.

- Oh, yes, it will.



- No, no, no. We shall all go to jail.

- It's gonna go like clockwork.



Hello, Neville.

Hello, Inspector.



- That's very good!

- Do you have the will?



- Very good indeed.

- It's very short.



Yeah. The simpler it is,

the more watertight.



So we're going to set the zoo up

as a trust-- that's for all of us--



and everything else goes to

''my son Vincent McCain, absolutely.''



- You mean, we get the zoo?

- Yeah.



Let's get this body

up to my office. Let's go!



- I don't think this is fair.

- Fair?



- You get to run the zoo with Willa.

- Yes.



Well, I think I love her.



- What?

- I love Willa.



No, I love her.



No, I love her.



- I love her.

- I love Willa!



Look, I get Willa,

you get seven billion dollars.



- Right. Right, okay.

- There's the gun.



Here we go.



Come along, come along.

We haven't got much time.



- I'm worried about fooling Neville.

- Neville's gonna be tough.



- Oh, my God!

- Hello, Willa.



Hello, Neville! Hello!



Hello, Neville. Excuse me, I'm going

to go have a pee. I'll be right there.



- Right, boss.

- Hi! Great to see you.



Hello. Willa Weston.



Chief Superintendent Masefield,

Sgt. Scott and Sgt. Irving.



- Rod will be with you in a moment.

- I'll be a moment.




Gets 'em every time.



Oh, yeah. That's better.



Thank you, my dear.



Hello, Neville.

Hello, Inspector.



I'd like to introduce you

to Inspector Masefield.



G'day. Good on ya.



- Good outfit.

- It's an honour to meet you, Mr. McCain.



Well, goody.

Hello, Neville.



- Hello, Rod.

- Hello, Nev.



- Have you spoken to Vince?

- Yes, I have.



- Shall we arrest him now, sir?

- No, that won't be necessary.



Vince and I have had a long talk.



Between ourselves,

it was quite emotional.



You haven't killed him,

have you, Rod?



Nobody's killed anybody!



Moron! No, I mean...



that we've had a reconciliation.



- Isn't it wonderful?

- A reconciliation?



That's right, Neville.

Back, Neville.



- So you're not pressing charges?

- On the contrary, Inspector.



Not at all.

But I would like your assistance.



I've just made out a new will

and I'd like you to witness it.



- A new will?

- Bend down, Neville.



- It would be a privilege, Mr. McCain.

- Thank you.



What do you mean, a new will?



As a result of my talk with Vince,

I've decided to leave Octopus to him.



- What?

- Hold still!



- Leave Octopus to Vince?

- Shut up! He's a good boy.



Good boy?

He's a total wanker, Rod!



I won't have you

talk about him like that!



Rod, he steals from you.



That's only to get the attention I

should've given him when he was a child!



But you can't leave Octopus

to that asshole!



That asshole is my son!



I love him.



But you're always saying

what a complete wuss he is.



I am not--



going to let you

talk about him in that way.



- Are you all right, mate?

- I'm feeling emotional.



What's that?



- It's where I keep my Kleenex.

- He's very depressed, Neville.



Isn't it wonderful to see a man

get in touch with his feelings?



- There's something going on here.

- Oh, I hope so.



Excuse me, gentlemen.

I need to be alone.



Feeling a bit suicidal.




This isn't like Rod!



Hey! He's in the shed!



- What?

- He's in the shed!



Gentlemen, I admit it.



I behaved disgracefully

to my son in the past.



I don't know if I can

live with myself.



So, going to the shed.



Mother always said that when

you're naughty, you go to the shed.



And I've been naughty.



God, I'm depressed!



Going to the shed.



- It's going well. Where's the body?

- Over there.



Come on, come on! Give it here.

Let's go! We gotta go!



What is going on?



- He and Vince did get very upset.

- It was so touching.



Oh, God. I've undervalued

Vince's talent all these years.



And his extraordinary charm.

Let's not forget that.



What a dear boy he was,

my Vince, and still is.



Good-looking young lad.

Christ, he's attractive.



- Such style!

- Where is Vince?



- That's a good question.

- Vince?



I never went to one of my

birthday parties, the bastard!



- His! His!

- His birthday parties, the bastard!



I'm the bastard! I'm such a bastard

I can't stand it anymore!



I can't face it! Oh, the shame!

I feel terrible!



I don't know what I'm gonna do,

but I've got a pretty shrewd idea...



it's not gonna be very nice!



- I'm taking the wuss's way out!

- Is he all right?



He's probably in one

of his black moods.



What black moods?



End of the road! I can't take it

any longer! I'm going to finish it now!



My God!



- Has he got a gun?

- Gun? What gun?



Where's the gun?

The gun!






I'm at the end of the road!

I'm very near the end.



I'm gonna--

I can see the end of the road.



I'm makin' up my mind.

It's not an easy--



He's forgiven you.

Be sensible!



At least it looks like

the end of the road.



Now I'm thinkin' about it.



I'll make my mind up

any moment now.



I love you, kid.

Forgive me.



Hurry! Hurry!



One! Two! Come on!



- Oh, no!

- Don't look!



- Why were your men so slow?

- Sorry, we didn't realize--



- This isn't Rod McCain.

- What?



I spent     years working at Octopus,

and this isn't Rod McCa--



I was in the garden

when I heard a gunshot--



- Father!

- I'm afraid he's dead.



- No!

- Yes.



- What are you doing?

- He shot himself.



No! Why?



He wasn't in one of his

black moods, was he?



He just couldn't live

with what he'd done to you.



- But I'd forgiven him.

- I know.



Oh, Dad! Dad! Dad!



- Vince.

- What?



- There's something you should know.

- What?



He left Octopus to you.



So he did love me after all!



You're fired.



Rollo, there's something

I need to ask you.



It's about sex.






Look, I know what you like.



When we first called,

you had three women in your bed.



- What?

- Remember Mitzi and Suzie and Cindy?



And then

when we came to your room...



you had at least four girls

in the bathroom.



They were all over you

in the cage.



And then the other night in the hotel,

you had two girls...



as well as the--



Look, Willa--



Look, Rollo,

I really like you.



But I was just wondering

if one woman...



could ever be enough...



for a man like you.



Oh, what the hell.

Let's give it a try.



- But I have to warn you, Wanda--

- Willa.



I haven't slept with one woman

for a very, very long time.


Special help by SergeiK