The Fortune Cookie Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the The Fortune Cookie script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Billy Wilder movie with Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Fortune Cookie. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

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The Fortune Cookie Script





(crowd cheering)



(PA) Jim Brown scores for Cleveland.



Groza's kick is good.



That's the end of the first quarter.



Cleveland Browns   

Minnesota Vikings  .



The lights are on here.

We had rain and sleet this morning,...



..but the field

was covered with a tarpaulin,...


            the footing down there is fairly good.



The teams have changed sides now,

and here comes the kickoff.






The Viking fullback brought down...



Camera Two,

cover the downfield pass pattern.



Camera Four,

move down to the line of scrimmage.



He only picked up a half-yard, so now

it's fourth down and a kicking situation.



Going in for Cleveland,

No.   Walter Roberts...



..and No.  

Luther "Boom Boom" Jackson.



So far this season, Boom Boom has

averaged   .  yards on his punt returns.



- He leads the league in that department.

- Camera Four, move to the   -yard line.



Hinkle. Are you there, Hinkle?



Yeah... Yeah.



This is Hinkle.   -yard line. Roger.



How about some coffee out here for us?

With a little antifreeze in it?



This way, Joe.



Looks like Boom Boom

has not only racked up    yards...



..but also one of our cameramen.



(applause and cheering)



Harry. Harry!



(band plays a march tune)



I hope it isn't anything serious.



And now let's take a look

at the accident again...



..on the CBS

exclusive stop-action camera.



Come on.



Let's play ball.



OK, let's go. (gives instructions)






(woman sobbing)



Please, Mother. He'll be all right.



Do you suppose maybe

it's something... internal?



How would l know?

l'm a lawyer, not a doctor.






Jeffrey. Ginger. Cut that out.

This is a hospital.



Let 'em. If they're gonna break a leg,

this is the place to do it.



Oh, l... I'm terribly sorry.



All my fault, Sister. I was just trying to...

I'm his brother-in-law, Sister.



And this is his mother, Sister,

and this is my wife, his sister, Sister.



- We were sort of anxious to find out if...

- I understand.



But it'll be a few more minutes.



Thank you, Sister. Shut up, Mother.



Poor Harry.



He was always so brittle.

Remember when he fell off the garage?



- Oh, Mother. Not that old story again.

- What story?



When they were kids in Toledo, he

and Charlotte were playing paratrooper.



- She pushed him off the roof.

- I didn't push him, he jumped.



And he had an umbrella.

Is it my fault if he forgot to open it?



- Did he hurt himself?

- Spent two months in bed.



He had a compressed vertebra.



Compressed vertebra, huh?



- Hey, Dad! Can we have a dime?

- What?



Can we have a dime? To put in that box.



It's for unwed mothers.



- (coins rattle)

- unwed mothers, huh?



Well, l'm for that.






- Harry, baby, how do you feel?

- (groans)



It's me, Mama.



And Charlotte is here,

and Willie and Ginger and Jeffrey.



Hi, sports fans.



- How is he, Doc?

- He has a mild concussion.



He's under sedation.

He'll rest comfortably.



This is Harry Hinkle on Camera Four.



He doesn't know his own mother.



- Any broken bones, internal bleeding?

- I don't think so.



How long you been outta medical school?



- Five months.

- That long, huh?



- Sir?

- OK, Louie. You pick up the band.



I'll pan with the pompom girls.



# La la-la la-la-la-la-la.



Let's go.



- Wait. Where are you taking him?

- To the general ward.



Oh, no. I want a private room for him.

Nothing is too good for my brother-in-law.



- Check with the admission office.

- No red tape, Sister. Take him upstairs.



- How about the penthouse suite?

- Now you're talking, Doctor.



- Hello, uncle Harry.

- Hi.



They're not gonna

cut him open, are they?



Shut up. Charlotte, take her home.

Take everybody home.



Aren't you coming? What about dinner?



The hell with it. I'm not lettin' him

out of my sight, not for a minute.



Jeffrey! Ginger! We're on our way.



- We wanna skate some more.

- You can play at home.



Yeah, why don't you teach 'em

that paratrooper game?



Cleveland Plain Dealer?

Give me the city desk.



This is William H Gingrich,

attorney-at-law. I represent Harry Hinkle.



The cameraman

who was hurt at the game today.



Yes. I'm suing CBS, the Cleveland Browns

and the Municipal Stadium for $  million.



That's right. A million dollars.



Hinkle. H-l-N-K-L-E. St Mark's Hospital.



He's very serious. And so am l.



- Mr Hinkle's room. What's the number?

- Sorry. It's not visiting hours.



Well, maybe you could make

an exception. I'm the guy...



Oh, you're Mr Jackson, aren't you?



- Can l ask you something?

- Sure.



What do you think our chances are

against Philadelphia?



- Sister Veronica wants     points.

- You bet around here?



Certainly. I already owe her

a Coke from last week.



I can't say anything. It's against

regulations. I could be suspended.



I understand. He's in    

right down the corridor.



Thank you.



Give her    / points.






- Yes?

- This is Mr Hinkle's room?



- That's right.

- How is he?



I called, but they wouldn't

give me any information.



I wouldn't know about

his condition. He's asleep.



- Oh... I guess l'd better wait outside.

- You do that.



How about that guy? He's got

some nerve showing up here.



You wouldn't have

a razor on you, would you?



Whatever happened to all those

beautiful nurses you see on television?



Would you mind leaving us

alone for a little while?



I'd be delighted.



(Harry mumbles)



Morning, Harry.



- How... how did l get here?

- By stretcher and ambulance.



- Oh, my head. What did they give me?

- A whole gang of sleeping pills.



- Where's the can?

- Forget it. You can't get out of bed.



I can't get... Who says?



Hate to break it to you,

but you got a spinal injury.



- What?

- Your left leg is numb...



..and you got no feeling in

the first three fingers of your right hand.



You're crazy.

I can move my hand and my leg.



Sure you can, if you

wanna blow a million bucks.



- A million buc...?

- That's what we're suing for.



They'll offer us $      

we settle for a quarter of a million.



- I gotta go to the can.

- Stay where you are. I'll bring it to you.



What are you tryin' to pull? l'm all right.



One thing l hate is a patient

who makes his own diagnosis.



- There's nothing wrong with me.

- That's what you think.



Not only can't you move

your hand and your leg,...


            got ringing in your ears

and double vision.



- Double vision?

- How many of me do you see?



One. One cheap, chiselling shyster lawyer

who of all people had to marry my sister.



I'm handin' you a quarter of

a million dollars on a silver platter!



Don't want the money, don't want

the silver platter, l just...



Insurance companies have got so much

money they've run out of storage space.



What's a quarter of a million to them?

They take it out of petty cash.



- So don't give me with the scruples.

- (knocking)



- What is it?

- The nurse said he was awake.



Look, pal, can't you read?

We got a sick man here.



How sick is he?

Nobody will tell me anything.



- Leave the flowers. I'll give 'em to him.

- No, thanks. Maybe l could see him later?



- (toilet flushes)

- Yeah.



They put you in these

just to humiliate you.






Where are my clothes?

l'm checkin' outta here.



Where do you think you are?

ln a Hilton Hotel?



You're not registered here.

You got a number on your wrist!



- Do l need a reprieve from the governor?

- No, a discharge from the doctor.



- Get into bed!

- OK!



But only because

it's draughty and l got no pants.



Harry, puppy...



How much do you make a week?

l mean, after withholding,...



..supporting your mother, alimony?



All right, so l owe you $  .



It's not that, Harry. It's not that.



It's just that l don't want

my brother-in-law to be a nobody.



I wanna see you in a fastback Mustang,

ltalian silk suits,...



..a decent apartment,

a go-go baby all the way.



I won't stand still

for one of your phoney whiplash cases!




We're going for all the marbles.



- I wouldn't lift a finger...

- That's all you have to do!



Not lift a finger! Think of your mother.

Think of your mother, Harry.



Bronchitis every winter. She should

be in Florida, baking her chest.



And your sister -

   years old and never had a fur coat.



And your nephew and niece.

They have to sleep in the same room.



- You want them to wind up in analysis?

- You want me to wind up in jail?



That's negative thinking! Sure, insurance

guys are tough and they're smart.



But l know all their tricks. They'll hit you

with hammers, stick pins in you...



- Not me!

- Remember which nerves are damaged.



From your ring finger to your thumb,

you're numb. Your leg...



- Don't miss any details.

- I don't care if     doctors examine you.



If you say your back is killing you,

that's what we call "pain and suffering".



- The money you get for that is tax-free.

- What pain? What suffering?



Six months from now you suddenly start

having dizzy spells, muscle spasms,...



..sciatica, you can't work any more...

Then try to collect!



There's nothing wrong with my back...



..if you'd just get off it!






I thought you might like some nice

stewed prunes. We must keep regular.



- Where's the damn doctor?

- Dr Krugman is making his rounds.



He'll be here shortly with your X-rays.



Thank you, Nurse.

And bring him some breakfast, too.



Did you hear what she said? X-rays.

There goes your whole cockamamie case.



Oh, yeah? What about your little mishap

when you were with the paratroopers?



What paratroopers?



You and Charlotte

on the garage roof in Toledo?



- That compressed vertebra, remember?

- That was like    years ago.



With a vertebra, you can't tell an old injury

from a new one, so who'll ever know?



I will! Look, l'm not sayin'

l'm any better than the next guy.



Maybe l add a few bucks to my expenses,

but an out-and-out fake, l'm...



Fake? We got       eyewitnesses.



Another    million

watched it on television.



They saw you get hit by a    lb monster

and take a spill over that tarpaulin...



..which shouldn't have been there

in the first place.



We got a clear-cut case of negligence.



If you think that gown is humiliating,

taste this coffee.



Where do you think you are?

ln a Hilton Hotel?



It won't even come to trial. Juries

love to soak an insurance company.



- When l wheel you into that courtroom...

- Wheel me in?



Yeah, wearin' one of those corsets.



- You wanna bet?

- Only until we collect the money.



- Then you make a gradual recovery.

- (phone rings)



I'm gonna make a rapid recovery.

I'm gonna start right now!



I told you no calls.



New York? OK, l'll take it.






Yes, this is Harry Hinkle's room.

Who wants him?






You don't say... Yeah, hold on a second.



The next voice you hear will be your wife.



- I have no wife.

- All right, your ex-wife.



- Tell her to drop dead.

- Sorry, Sandy. He can't talk right now.



- Now or any other time. Hang up!

- Sh!



Yes, Sandy, it's true. Did you see it, dear?

Did you see it on television?



No, it's in the paper this morning.



But all it says is they carried him off

unconscious, and you're suing.



- How bad is he?

- Well, we don't know yet, dear,...



..but it's gonna take more than

a Band-Aid, l can tell you that.



Listen, you bitch, if it's

the alimony you're worried about...



Come off it, Sandy.

Why else would you call me?



You don't have to believe me, Harry.



But isn't it possible that l'm worried about

you and wanted to find out how you felt?



Isn't that touching? You didn't care how

l felt when you ran off with Gus Gilroy!



Didn't even leave a note, just

a stale meat loaf in the refrigerator!



I went nuts trying to find the laundry

where you'd taken my shirts!



Please, Harry, this is no time to...



Well, it was your fault, too, because

you're too nice a person, and too kind.



You shoulda run after me and

belted me a few and dragged me back.



It's lucky l didn't. I woulda strangled you

with one of Gus Gilroy's fancy ties!



- Well, what would you...

- He's had a concussion.



He doesn't know what he's saying.



It may be a couple of days before we have

doctors' reports. Where can l reach you?



Well, don't worry. Don't worry, baby.

If your friend answers, l'll hang up.



OK, if it's more convenient,

you call here. Goodbye, Sandy.



Of all the miserable broads. I don't know

what l ever saw in her in the first place.



Cooks like a pig and smokes in bed.



used to walk around like a zombie

because her nail polish was always wet.



That's unless she was crawling on her

knees trying to find her contact lenses.



Still crazy about her, huh?



And stupid? Agh!



Never read a book in her life.



She read one book. The Carpetbaggers.



End of six months she was on page   .



We had no life together,

no dialogue, no laughs, no...



You know, Harry, l've seen guys carry

a torch before, but you're the champ.



You could carry it from Greece to Mexico

to open the next Olympic Games.



- Me?

- You.



Are you outta your skull? You know

how many girls l've had since Sandy?



- Phyllis, Sheila, Janet...

- use the other hand. That one's numb.



Don't give me with that torch.

As far as l'm concerned...



And the funny thing is

she still cares about you.



- The hell she does.

- Did you hear her?



Did you hear her?

She was practically crying.



And when she hears what shape

you're in, mangled and helpless,...



..she'll hop the first plane from New York.



You play along with me, Harry,

and you'll get your wife back.



- Who wants her?

- You do.



Because you still love her.



We open the kid up, and what do we find?



Three buttons, a thumbtack,

and    cents in change.



Morning, Doctor.



Parents couldn't afford to pay for

the operation, so l kept the    cents.



I'm Dr Krugman.

How are you feeling today?



- Oh, pretty good.

- He means considering.



- What do the X-rays show?

- I'm kinda curious myself.



I was sitting on the   -yard line.

Oy, gevalt...



- Mm...

- You said it, Doctor.






Would you mind cranking the bed down?



Yes, indeed.



- Ohh! Ohh!

- What's the matter?



- My back! Crank it up! Crank it up!

- Does it hurt much?



I should hope so.

He's got a compressed vertebra.



- I've got what?

- Here, look at this.



There's a compression

of the fifth vertebra.



- Are you sure?

- I don't wear this because l'm a barber.



- I'm not questioning your competence.

- So don't kibitz!



Now just relax. Tell me if this hurts.



- (crunching)

- (Harry grunts)



- (crunching)

- Agh!



- Take it easy, Doc.

- I said no kibitzing.



- Could l have that cigarette?

- Is it all right if he smokes?



Personally, l gave it up. But if you

gotta smoke, blow a little of it my way.



(inflates blood pressure cuf)



Why are you holding

the cigarette like that?



- The other fingers are sort of numb.

- Numb? Did you say numb?



- You heard him.

- I don't understand. He hurt his back.



- What's that got to do with the fingers?

- It's normal in a case like this.



The vertebra must be

pressing on the nerve ending.



- Is that a fact?

- It's like a watch that's been run over.



Imagine what happens to

the springs, the wheels, the balance.



I guess l'm lucky l'm still ticking.



Now tell me when this feels sharp

and when this feels dull.



Sharp... Sharp!



Dull... Dull.



Sharp... Dull.



Sharp... Sharp... Dull.



We got this trainer

on the team, Doc Murphy.



He's great with this kind of stuff.

us players get clobbered all the time.



- Outside.

- He'll just give you a massage and...



- I said out.

- You're Boom Boom Jackson.



- Yeah. I brought you these.

- Thank you.



Sister, would you please

put these in a vase?



Goodbye now. Goodbye.

You're very thoughtful. Goodbye.



How'd the game come out?



They kicked a field goal

in the last five seconds.



Because l fumbled on the    -yard line.



That's... tough.



They're charging you

for a second breakfast.



- Ever had a previous back injury?

- Hm?



- Maybe when you were a child?

- uh, lemme see...



um... The phone. Why doesn't

one of you nurses answer the phone?



- What phone?

- It's ringing.



How many nurses do you see?



- Two.

- Two?



- Can we afford 'em?

- Don't tell me this is normal, Doctor.



- Somebody pull the shade down.

- I'll do it.



Open your eyes wide. Look at him.






- Nice retina.

- Thank you.



What is it, Doc? Any brain damage?

Give it to us straight.



No, just a simple concussion.

All he needs is a little bed rest.



Thank God. But actually

it's the back that bothering me.



- Bothering you?

- Those nerves, all connected up.



If it affects his hand, how do we know it

doesn't affect another part of his body?



- If you don't mind, l'll have my breakfast.

- (Krugman) Don't you move!



My leg! Got no feeling in my left leg!



Put him back in bed.



Careful now.



Look, Doc, l don't wanna kibitz,

but l don't like the looks of this.



I'm sorry, buddy. I didn't mean

to hurt you, honest l didn't.



I never hurt anybody in my life,

not even when they played dirty.



You couldn't help it.

It was just one of those things.



You're gonna get well, aren't you, buddy?

You gotta. You just gotta, for me.



- If you want a layman's opinion...

- I do not.



Nurse? There must be a lower back injury

as well. Get ahold of Dr Montgomery.



I'll want more X-rays, an encephalogram,

an EMG, and if necessary a spinal tap.



- Yes, Doctor.

- Anything l can do?



Pray for him, Sister.



O'Brien, Thompson and Kincaid.

Good afternoon.



Sorry, Mr O'Brien is in conference

with Mr Thompson and Mr Kincaid.



Oh, just a minute.



Mr O'Brien, it's Consolidated lnsurance.

Office of the vice president.



All right, put him through.



Yes, Mr Dalrymple.



Of course we know it's a million dollars.

Of course we know it isn't chicken feed.



Please, Mr Dalrymple. You have three

grown-up lawyers handling this case.



We have the hospital report, and we

have the Purkey Agency working on it.



So you just sit back

and leave the worrying to us.



Go on, Mr Purkey.



In      Harry Hinkle collected $   for

a raincoat he'd lost in a movie theatre.



The coat was ultimately recovered,

and he returned the $  .



Otherwise, there is no record

that he has ever filed a claim...



..against any insurance company

in the united States.



Guess the young man's clean.

Now, let's see. Who's his attorney?



- William Gingrich.

- Gingrich? Gingrich...



- You know... Whiplash Willie.

- Oh, him again.



Well, l guess our first step is to have

Hinkle examined by our own doctors.



- We need the consent of the plaintiff.

- Call Gingrich.



He's not only Hinkle's lawyer.

He's his brother-in-law.



Get me William Gingrich. His office

is somewhere in this building.



Now tell me, Mr Cimoli.

Exactly how did you break your hip?



- It's my pelvis.

- All right, your pelvis. How did it happen?



I was comin' out this store,

and there it was on the sidewalk.






- This.

- I see.



- You were coming out of what store?

- Nat's Delicatessen, on Euclid Avenue.



- Too bad.

- Oh, such pain.



I mean too bad it didn't happen

in front of the May Company.



From them you can collect. Couldn't you

have dragged yourself another    feet?



(phone rings)






Speaking. O'Brien, Thompson

and Kincaid? Yes, what can l do for you?



The Hinkle case?

Oh, yes. I'm handling that.



Well, l can't talk right now.

I have an office full of people.



Suppose l come up to your place? Right.



Say, how much do you think

my pelvis is worth?



By itself, nothing.

So it's a good thing you came to me.



Before we're through,

we'll have them begging for mercy.



- Who's "them"?

- That l haven't figured out yet.



But don't go away. I'll think of an angle.



This guy is so full of angles, he starts to

describe a donut, it comes out a pretzel.



Nevertheless, l suggest

we try the friendly approach.



OK. But after you shake hands with him,

l suggest you count your fingers.



- I'd better get out of here.

- Purkey, l want you to keep digging away.



My pleasure. I'd like to dig a nice,

deep hole for our friend Gingrich.



- Hi there, Purkey, old boy. Keeping busy?

- I'm not complaining.



Attababy! To see O'Brien,

Thompson and Kincaid.



- And you are?

- Gingrich, Gingrich and Gingrich.



- Hey!

- What's the matter?



- Nothin'.

- Go right in, Mr Gingrich.



Thanks. And take

the rest of the afternoon off.



- Gentlemen.

- Ah, Mr Gingrich.



I've heard a lot about you.

Sit down, sit down.



Say! You each have an office like this,

or do you all bunk together?



- The reason we called you up here...

- Lemme guess. You want to settle.



- Settle? Certainly not.

- That settles that.



You got no case. It's a simple matter

of workmen's compensation.



That tarpaulin should have

been rolled back    feet,...



..and it's gonna cost you $      per foot!



Rubbish! All the legal precedents

are on our side.



That so? What about Fishbein

versus The Empire State Building?



- What about it?

- Volume    New York Supplement  ...



..Page        .



A window washer,   st floor.

The safety belt broke, and...



Mr Fishbein was taking

a normal occupational risk.



The window washer's name was Jones.

Fishbein was a pedestrian on   th Street.



The next thing he knew,

he was splattered all over the sidewalk.



The widow sued, was awarded $     .



Case appealed, judgment upheld.

Volume     Appellant Division, page   .



Also Volume    New York

Supplement   page         .



Maybe in New York

they throw money around.



All right. Mrs Cunningham

versus Baltimore and Ohio Railroad.



uS District Court,

Eastern District of Ohio, No.    .



Mrs Cunningham, going to Cincinnati to

visit dying uncle, gets trapped in a toilet.



The car is hitched to another train,

she winds up in California.



By this time the uncle is dead,

she's cut out of the will.



So she sues the railroad for damages.

Does this ring a bell?



- Never heard of it.

- None of you has?



Because you gentlemen

represented the railroad.



- We did?

- And lost the case.



(clears throat) Suppose we

get back to the Hinkle case.



- You should bone up on negligence.

- We've seen the hospital report.



- Discouraging, isn't it?

- We don't accept it at face value.



- I wouldn't either.

- Look, Gingrich.



We demand the right to have

our own doctors examine Hinkle.



- You got it.

- Agree to it, or we'll get a court order.



- I agree to it.

- Now don't give us any trouble, Gingrich.






- What do you mean, you agree to it?

- Permission granted.



- You have no objections?

- As a matter of fact, l insist on it.



To you gentlemen

it's just a question of money.



But to me, it's a personal tragedy.



My kid brother-in-law,

possibly disabled for life.



I'm sure you'll bring him the best doctors,

the specialists we could never afford.



Maybe you'll even send him

to the Mayo Clinic.



Don't worry. Mr Hinkle

will get a thorough going-over.



- Good. Will there be anything else?

- I can't think of anything.



Well, l can. To examine my client,

you'll need written consent.



- Yes, of course. Get Miss Heffelfinger.

- I have the authorisations right here.



Three copies, all signed and notarised.



Thank you, gentlemen.

If you'll excuse me,...



..l have somebody waiting in my office.



Interesting case. I'm considering

suing the united Fruit Company.



There should be a warning on bananas.

They can be hazardous to your health.



Carry on, gentlemen.



(band plays "The Battle Hymn

ofthe Republic" on TV)



(applause and cheering)



Therefore l say, ifyou once forfeit

the confidence ofyour fellow citizens,...


            can never regain

their respect and esteem.



It is true that you may fool

all ofthe people some ofthe time.



You can even fool

some ofthe people all ofthe time.



But you can't fool

all ofthe people all ofthe time.



(applause and cheering)



Hi, kid.



- What are you watchin'?

- An old movie about Abraham Lincoln.



Lincoln? Great president, lousy lawyer.



I picked up some stuff at your apartment.

Robe, slippers...



- Your Playboy pyjamas with the bunnies.

- How much longer do l have to stay here?



Till they get through with your tests.



I hope l flunk! l'm sick of pretending

to doctors, and Mother, and Charlotte.



- You're not gonna flunk. Take my word.

- I can't sit up, lie down... I can't sleep.



- You'll get used to that corset.

- Why did l let you talk me into this? Why?






That's why.



- Where did you find it?

- Where you stashed it.



Top shelf of your closet,

behind the    records.



Remember that day? lt was July  th.



Some wise guy

put a firecracker under our bed.



Don't look at me. Check my son's alibi.



Why hasn't she called yet?

You said she'd call.



- That's what she said.

- Maybe she won't call at all.



- Maybe she won't.

- What do you mean she won't?



Maybe she's so anxious to see you

that she's on a train.



Maybe that door will open

and she'll just walk in.






Come in.



Harry... (shrieks)



- Hello, Mother. Hi, Charlotte.

- My poor baby.



- What have they done to you?

- He's wearing a corset, Mother.



Everybody does. You wear a corset,

Charlotte wears a corset.



- I wear a girdle!

- Don't fight, please.



I brought you some mushroom soup

and some hot biscuits.



- Forget it. I ordered him a Chinese lunch.

- A Chinese lunch?



- I spent the whole morning in the kitchen.

- I'll have it for dinner.



Mother, you're upsetting everybody.



You shouldn't be here.

You should be in Florida.



- Four weeks in the sun and you'll be...

- And leave Harry like that? l couldn't!



Don't worry. I'll take care of him.

I've got your ticket.



Your plane leaves tomorrow. I'll drive you

to the airport in the new Mustang.



- What new Mustang?

- Your new Mustang.



- I'm breaking it in for you.

- Gee, that's big of ya.



- What's your favourite colour?

- Red.



Dammit! l hope you don't mind. I got it

in beige to match Charlotte's fur coat.



- What?

- It's kit fox. The hat goes with it.



- You like it?

- He loves it.



Florida, Mustangs, foxes...

How are we gonna pay for all this?



- Our credit is good.

- Don't you think we better wait...



..till we see some of

that insurance money?



Who waits nowadays?

Take the government.



When they shoot a billion dollars' worth

of hardware into space,...


           's all on the Diners Club.



(screams) That terrible woman!

What's she doing here?



If you must know,

they're still crazy about each other.



In fact, she may be here any minute.



Harry, you're not going to make

the same mistake again?



- After what she did to you...

- Mother, why don't you go to Florida?



- Four weeks baking your chest...

- (knocking)



Don't you insult her.



- I...

- Mother!



Come in.



- Hi, buddy. How are you feeling?

- (sobs)



- Come on in, Boom Boom.

- I brought you a present.



The boys on the team chipped in,

and we got you this.



- Ohh!

- You shouldn't have.



- (sobs hysterically)

- It's electric.



It's got three speeds, left-hand drive,

white sidewall tyres, a safety belt...



That's some chariot.

Do they make a two-seater?



- You already got a Mustang.

- And here's a little idea l had.



You mount it on the chair, and

any time you need something... (honks)



Oh! Don't! (sobs hysterically)



Believe me, Mrs Hinkle,

instead of him needing this chair,...



..l wish it was me.



If only they can make him

walk again someday!



- I'll be all right, Mother.

- Sure he will.



Every week you read in Time magazine

how they're transplanting kidneys,...



..and making new spines out of fibreglass.



Don't you think

the doctors read that stuff too?



Good morning. How's the patient?

And the family?



(Willie) Good morning, Sister.



   / points indeed.



Here's the timetable for your

insurance examinations this afternoon...


            Professor Winterhalter and his staff.



- Professor?

- Oh. He's Swiss, you know.



- Oh! Oh! No!

- Two o'clock, electromyogram.



Four o'clock, dynamometer test.



Six o'clock, myelogram.



- We'll be ready, Sister.

- We will?



Oh, but tomorrow will be

a real rough day for you.



You start at seven in the morning.



Now, now, Mrs Hinkle. We must be brave.



Come on, Mother.

I'll take you home and help you pack.



- Bye, Harry.

- Come on, Mother. Come on.



Why don't those doctors leave him alone?

Why put him through all this misery?



I don't blame them.

There's big money involved.



You'd be surprised how many people

try to fake a thing like this.



Fake? There'd better be

empty beds around here.



If anybody calls my buddy a faker...



I used to have one like this on my bike.



- You want me to attach it now?

- No, later. Let him get some rest.



- Thank the boys for the chair.

- That's OK, buddy. use it in good health.



- Now, let's get organised.

- I wish you'd tell him to stay away.



- Why? He's a nice guy.

- That's what l mean!



Where's that Chinese lunch?

And what are you doing?



Trying to get some circulation

in my legs. Do you mind?



Circulation's the last thing we want.

Why don't we get back in bed?



- What is this with the "we"?

- We're in this together, you and l.



- Fifty-fifty.

- Fifty-fifty?



Don't you think that's fair?

l'm devoting   % of my time to this case.



And if you louse it up, l get nothing.









- Did you order some lunch sent in?

- Yeah, yeah. Right here. Bring it in.



What took you so long? A slow boat

from China? We got a hungry man.



He talks to me like that all the time.



- I don't want any food.

- Look at this. Fried shrimp, egg rolls...



- Chicken chow mein.

- I certainly don't want Chinese food.



Tea. You forgot the tea. Where's the tea?



Nurse, get us a pot of tea.



- Please?

- (mimicking) Please.



That's more like it.



Maybe l'll just have an egg roll.



Put that down! OK, let's go, Schindler.



What's that?



And don't tell me it's chop suey.



- He's gonna give you a shot.

- I'm not takin' any shots from a waiter.



Waiter? This is

Doc Schindler from Chicago!



- Howdy.

- Insurance guys think they're geniuses.



But when they build a better mousetrap,

the mice get smarter too.



- You'll be careful, won't you, Doc?

- I'd better be. I'm on parole.



- Parole?

- They caught me tampering with a horse.



- A veterinary?

- Well, actually, he's a dentist.



- Where d'you want it?

- Right arm, left leg. Make 'em numb.



- Oh, numb!

- Sure. We want those nerves blocked.



Oh, then l'd better use the Novocaine.



With this stuff,

he'll run the mile in   :   flat.



I just hope they don't give me a saliva test.



- Step on it. Sam the Hypnotist's coming.

- Sam the who?



Posthypnotic suggestion. You're

gonna have symptoms you won't believe.



Find a nice freckle

so that the puncture won't show.



All righty now, just relax.



- You... Ow!

- Attaboy.



What if l get an infection from this?



We sue the hospital for using

dirty needles. Now the leg, Doc.



Hurry up, Doc. The nurse is coming!



I'm looking for a freckle.



(Harry) Ow!



I used my influence in the kitchen.



uh, he's...



We, uh... We lost a shrimp somewhere.



I don't want that. Would you take it away?



- Are you sure?

- You eat it.



Don't you even want

the fortune cookie? Come on.



You've got to open your fortune cookie.



- Oh...

- What does it say?



"You can fool all of the people

some of the time..."



Let me see that.



Those Chinese. What do they know?



- Squeeze.

- Push!



- Feel this?

- Yes. Mm-hm.



How about this?



E flat?



Well, gentlemen,

the evidence seems quite clear.



- Obvious indications of nerve trauma.

- Obviously.



- I concur.

- And what is your opinion, Professor?



I have not formulated an opinion yet.

But l have formulated a hunch.












It's a freckle.






Left hand,   .



Right hand.



- Two.

- Two?



- There's a pronounced discrepancy.

- Indubitably.



- We seem to have a classic syndrome.

- Wouldn't you say so, Professor?



I once saw a similar case in Zurich.






Also fake.






Fascinating, the way we can now

corroborate subjective symptoms.



- A technique developed in Rochester.

- I know.



I read all about it in Time magazine.



Well, l think we must agree

our findings are not inconsistent...



..with an exacerbation

of the median nerve and lumbar plexus.



- I agree.

- So do l.



Are we then unanimous in our evaluation,

Professor Winterhalter?






All these newfangled machines!



Fake! They prove nothing.



In the old days,

we used to do these things better.



A man says he is paralysed,

we simply throw him in the snake pit.



If he climbs out, then we know he is lying.



- And if he doesn't climb out?

- Then we have lost a patient.



But we have found an honest man.



Wait a minute.

You're not throwin' me in any pit!



And you bring one snake in here,

just one little snake...






"Therefore, to answer

the most vital question,...


            the patient indeed disabled

or is he merely simulating?"



"After an analysis in depth

of all the diagnostic data,...



..we have come

to the definite conclusion...



..that the evidence

is definitely inconclusive."



"Enclosed is a bill for our services

and a list of our expenses."



Double talk! $     worth of double talk!



You know, this case has been

getting a lot of publicity.



We could save the insurance company

money if we settle.



Settle? A phoney claim? Never!



It's not just their money

that's at stake, it's our integrity.



If we let shysters like Gingrich ride

roughshod over the laws of this land...



All right. Get Gingrich on the phone.



- You wear a belt, or suspenders?

- Suspenders?



They went out with Clarence Darrow.

Great lawyer, lousy dresser.



(phone rings)



Hello, Gingrich here.



Oh, hello, Mr O'Brien. That's all right.

I just have my tailor here.



I'm too busy to get away from the office.



We know you're a busy man.

We're pretty busy too.



So why bother with something

as trifling as this Hinkle case?



It may drag through the courts

for months. What l mean is...



..we wouldn't be averse

to discussing a settlement.



I'd like to have

a matching tie and handkerchief.



Nothing flashy,

maybe something like this.



Sorry. You were saying?



In return for a release

from all future claims,...



..we're willing to compensate your client

with a lump sum. Say $    .



- Fair enough?

- It may be fair, but it's not enough.



I had a slightly different figure

in mind. Say       ?



      ? You're being grotesque.



Let me tell you something,

as one member of the Bar to another,...



..if you are a member of the Bar...



Look, l don't wanna be unreasonable.



You say     . I say       .



Tell you what,

let's split it down the middle.



All right! lf he wants a knockdown fight,

we'll give it to him. And no compromise!



- I'm with you.

- Now wait a minute.



- We can't go in front of a jury with this!

- We're not in front of a jury yet!



Purkey, you put Hinkle under surveillance.



- I was about to suggest that.

- He can't keep up this act.



- He's bound to crack.

- He's getting out of hospital tomorrow.



- Standard operation?

- What's that?



Microphone, tape recorder,

 mm camera, daytime coverage...



And at nighttime he can go out dancing?

We have to do better than that.



In that case,

may l recommend our Gemini Plan?



- What's Gemini?

- Two operatives,   -hour coverage,...



..a microphone in every room,

  mm camera, telescopic lens,...



..and Technicolor.



(Boom Boom sings a march tune)



- (Harry honks horn)

- You want something?



- Yeah. I want you to cut out that singing.

- Sorry.



Have we got everything?

Oh, yes. Slippers.



- Shouldn't you be at the stadium?

- So l'm AWOL.



But l put you in here.

The least l can do is help you move out.



Look, Boom Boom, l don't want you

gettin' into trouble on account of me.



So they fine me

another     bucks. Big deal!



- What do you mean, another    ?

- I walked out on the coaching session.



I just couldn't take it.

I went and had a couple of beers.



Couldn't take what?



They were running the game film,

and when it came to our... accident,...



..they had it in slow motion.



- You want these chopsticks?

- To hell with them.



I don't mean to be personal, but didn't you

say your wife was coming to see you?



She's dead... as far as l'm concerned,

so don't pack that picture.



- What do you want me to do with it?

- Toss it out the window. Who cares?



Don't you even want to save the frame?



- We're all checked out. Ready to go, kid?

- Not before l talk to my lawyer.



- What are you driving?

- A Caddy. Why?



I don't think we can get

the wheelchair in the Mustang.



- I'll bring it round to the front entrance.

- Good. Thanks.



- Charlotte fixed Mother's room for you.

- That's nice.



You'll be better off staying with us,

helpless as you are.



- Somebody may walk through that door!

- You bet! And it's gonna be me.



I'm walkin' out on my own two feet

and without this damn corset!



Are you crazy? We've got them

over a barrel. They're trying to settle.



See the way he looks at me?

l'm lettin' him off the hook.



- Harry, they'll get you for fraud.

- Let 'em!



How can you be so selfish?

What about the money l've spent?



Oh, l'm sure you'll think of somethin'.



I did, but you're fighting it!

Are you afraid of a little prosperity?



You're hopeless, Harry. A loser.

Always have been, always will be.



A guy who jumps off roofs

with a closed umbrella!



Yeah? Hold on. A born loser!

You wanna know why you lost your wife?



You got no character! No guts! l'm

surprised it didn't show in the X-rays.



You left out the most

important thing. No brains!



Buyin' that bull about

how l'm gonna get Sandy back.



Well, l don't want any part of her.



Cold-blooded little tramp,

shacked up with that guy...



Not so loud. Do you want her to hear?



It's Sandy. Shall l hang up?



Get back in that chair.



Yes, Sandy.



Yes, he's coming along all right.



Well, he has his bad spells

once in a while,...



..but the doctors think he'll walk again.



Poor bastard. I just hope

he winds up with a little money.



But with you handling the case,

l know he will.



Here he is.



Hello, Sandy... Well, yes, it's me.

Why are you so surprised?



Well, l only called Willie

to find out how you were.



I didn't really think

you'd want to talk to me ever again,...



- ..the way you sounded the last time.

- It was right after the accident,...



..l was full of sedatives,

l didn't know what l was saying.



I'm being discharged

from the hospital today.



I guess there's nothing more

they can do for me here.



Where are you going to go?



Sure l care.



I figure l'll just go back to the apartment.

You remember our old apartment.



Of course l do. Do you still have

that ugly brown velveteen couch?



And the sets of mother-of-pearl demitasse

spoons we got for a wedding present?



And that cat.

What was her name? Tinker Bell?



Yeah, everything is just the same.

Except the cat.



She ran away too. There must be

something the matter with me.



Don't say that. Maybe there's

something the matter with Tinker Bell.



Harry, l was wondering,

who's gonna look after you?



Well, Mother's in Florida.



Maybe Charlotte'll drop by,

bring me some mushroom soup.



I could get myself

a babysitter once in a while.



Harry, do you want me

to come and sit with you?



Just say yes or no.



Well, naturally the answer's yes.



It's always nice to see an old roommate.



But if it's in any way awkward...

I mean, l don't know your... situation.



Well, let me handle that.

What if l can get away for a few days?



Hey, Sandy. There's no towels!






All right, then. I'll see you Monday.

And take care of yourself, do you hear?



Loud and clear.



- Guess what.

- Tinker Bell is coming back?






- I got the car out front. All set?

- You bet! Let's blow this joint.



- Out of my way!

- Hey, fasten your seat belt.



- Those things go eight miles an hour!

- (Harry sings a march tune)



(honks horn)



Oh, doesn't it do your heart good?



I have a hunch he'll be

up and around in no time.



Now look, Sister, l asked you to pray

for him, but we don't want any miracles.



(Boom Boom) One, two. Left, right.



What's that with the

"One, two. Left, right"?



Hey, Max! What are they doin' over there?

Can you see anything?



One, two. Left, right.



- They're dancin' the frug.

- What?



One, two. Left, right.



Left, right.



One, two.



Left, right.



The frug! Some sense of humour.



If you ask me, we're just

wastin' our time. This guy's legit.



Maybe so, but let's give it a chance.



We've been watchin'

for three days and three nights!



That coloured guy, he has to

dress him, shave him,...



..put him to bed, carry him

to the toilet, brush his teeth...



- If that's an act, then l'm Soupy Sales.

- Listen.



I shadowed a guy suin' the Yellow Cab

Company. Some kinda collision.



Claimed he was paralysed. Six weeks

we watched him, never moved a muscle.



He had this Swedish masseuse come

every so often, give him a rubdown.



Then one night, bingo!

There he was, givin' her a rubdown.



- No kiddin'.

- Caught him red-handed.



Except that idiot cameraman got so

carried away, he forgot to roll the film.



- Couldn't you ask for another take?

- Well, l...



You mind if l laugh after lunch? Keep

an ear on 'em. I'm going to the drugstore.



Bring me a corned beef on rye, easy on

the mustard, and a strawberry milkshake.



- Anything else?

- A pack of Tiparillos.



Left, right... Left, right.



Left, right... Go, man, go!



A coupla more steps.



Attaboy! You're doing great.



I talked to the guys in the front office.



We want you to be

at the stadium November   th.



- What's November   th?

- Night game against Washington.



- We'd like to make it Harry Hinkle Night.

- Oh.



- No.

- You just sit on the bench,...


            half-time they introduce you,

and you make a speech.



No. Thank you, Boom Boom,

but l'd rather not.



Don't you think those flowers

would look better over there?



What time is the plane due?



 .  . united Airlines.



"Coming in on a wing and a prayer."



"Love, Sandy."



- I hope she likes my dinner.

- What are we havin'?



- Chicken.

- Fried chicken?



No. Chicken paprika with red cabbage.



And for dessert, apricot dumplings.



- What kind of food is that?

- Hungarian. I learned it from my mother.



She used to work as a cook

in a Hungarian restaurant.






You want me to fix up the other bed?



I really don't know.



I mean, how long she's gonna stay,

or what her plans are, or...



- Go ahead. Make it up.

- Why not?



What have we got to lose?



- Ever been married, Boom Boom?

- No, but l'm engaged. To a girl in Detroit.



And a girl in Baltimore, and one

in Green Bay, and two in San Francisco.



Hold it. When you say "engaged", do

you mean you give each of them a ring?



Sure. The minute the team hits town.



Funny thing about marriage.

It's like bein' in the army.



Everybody knocks it, but you'd be

surprised how many guys re-enlist.



(# "You'd Be So Nice to Come Home to"

by Cole Porter)



Where'd you learn that? Don't tell me,

your father was a Pullman porter.



He was a fighter, light heavyweight.

Once went     rounds with Billy Conn.



He was goin' places. Then he killed a guy

in the ring, a blood clot or something.



He never fought again,

just started hitting the bottle.



- That's a shame.

- He pulled out OK.



We're in business together.



I bought this bowling alley on

the East Side and he runs it for me.



It's got     lanes and a cocktail bar,

and it's half paid off.



All l need is another

three good seasons of pro ball.



Boom Boom,

what happened to you yesterday?



- Yesterday?

- I watched the game on television.



I guess l wasn't very sharp,

so they benched me.



Anybody can have a bad afternoon.



- You aren't drinking, are you?

- Me? No, sir.



Maybe a beer now and then,

but l can't take the hard stuff.



# You'd be so nice to come home to



You know who that is? Sandy.



# So nice by the fire



# While the breeze on high sang a lullaby



- I didn't know she was a singer.

- She always wanted to be.



That was our problem. When we first

married she was working at WJW,...



..doing singing commercials

for a linoleum company.



There was this band...



Gus Gilroy and his Gaslighters.



She... cut an audition record with them.



The next thing l knew she'd run off

to New York with that Gilroy character.



- She was gonna make it big.

- Did she?



If she did, the news

hasn't reached Cleveland.



I tried for a year very hard

to get her out of my mind.



I worked at it day and night.

I figured l'd never see her again.



But just imagine, right now she's

stepping on an airplane in New York,...



..and in a few minutes

she's gonna take off.



(hums "You'd Be so Nice

to Come Home to")



(hums "You'd Be so Nice

to Come Home to")









- Hi, Mr Gingrich.

- Hello, Boomsy.



Hey, Nureyev.

You're gonna wear out your batteries.



Now cut it out!



You're not a well man.



I've been tryin' to reach you

all morning. Where you been?



Where have l been?



I've been working.



Talking to witnesses, getting depositions,

looking out for your interests.



I've interviewed every person who was

sitting between the    and   -yard lines.



Gotten signed statements

from groundskeepers.



Looked at miles of television tape,

instant replays, isolated camera.



In this business you gotta be

on your toes every minute,...



..thinking, anticipating, always keeping

one step ahead of the other guy.



I thought you could pick Sandy up at  .  .



Good for you. I can't wait

to see that pretty puss again.



Why doesn't Boom Boom

pick her up, huh?



- Be glad to.

-  .   breaks up the whole afternoon.



There are important things

l have to take care of.



- He doesn't know what she looks like.

- I won't bring you the wrong wife.



Sure is nice and warm here.



Yeah. Somebody from the building came,

checked the radiators in every room.



Every room? Oh! lsn't that considerate?



I think they suspect something.



I told you not to plant

those mikes in the radiators.



I suppose your idea was better. Send him

candy and bug the chocolate creams!



- Keep lookin'!

- Don't come unglued. We're OK.



- You'd better start for the airport.

- OK, coach.



What's the rush?

He's got an hour and a half.



Well, there's a lot of traffic

this time of day, and those planes...



You never know.

They're late, they're early...



Say, what do l call her?

"Mrs Hinkle", or "Miss", or what?



- Try "Mrs".

- You got it.



Oh, boy, this brace is murder.



I don't get out of this chair,

gangrene is gonna set in.



Look at this deposition.



- Well, what do l know?

- It's very important.



Especially the footnote.



Isn't that interesting?



- I don't get it.

- Take my word for it.



A case like this is full of pitfalls.



You can't just go skipping through

the wood like Little Red Riding Hood.



There are wolves behind every tree.



And you gotta watch out for Grandma,

because she's got big eyes and big ears.



- And big teeth. He forgot the teeth.

- He what?



I hate a guy who tells a story

and louses up the punch line.



So the moral of the story is, better

Red Riding Hood than Dead Riding Hood.



You read me?



Not really.



Tell me, this whirlpool gadget

that Dr Krugman prescribed.



- The Jacuzzi?

- Yeah. Does it help you any?



I suppose. It tones

the muscles up or somethin'.



But just exactly how does it work?



Well, first you gotta

run some water in the tub.



All righty.



Say, where's the switch

on this Jacuzzi thing?



- No switch. Just plug it in the wall.

- You'd better come in and show me.



Would you mind telling me...



- OK, kid. You can talk now.

- What the hell is goin' on around here?



The whole place is bugged,

and they're shooting.



- Shooting?

- The detectives. With a camera.



- Well, who needs that? Get rid of 'em!

- Not so fast.



Pull the shades down and rip out the

mikes! We're not gonna put up with this.



- Yes, we are.

- What do you mean, "we are"?



Look, Harry. We know we're bugged,

but they don't know we know.



Don't you see the possibilities? Anything

we feed into those mikes, they'll swallow.



- Like what?

- To speed up the action, we'll goose 'em.



It may take a year

for this case to come to trial.



You wanna be stuck

in this chair that long?



- A year?

- Worry not, because l've got a scheme.



And when we spring it on them, they're

gonna settle right away - for big money.



Oh, to hell with the big money!

Give it to charity.



- How did you guess?

- Huh?



That's the scheme.



(PA) Announcing the arrival

of UnitedAirlines Flight    ...



..from New York

Kennedy lnternational Airport.



Passengers may now claim their luggage

in the baggage area.



- Mrs Hinkle?

- Yes?



Let me take these.



- Mr Gingrich sent me to pick you up.

- Oh? Has he got a chauffeur now?



No, it's just that he's busy with

the lawsuit. I'm a friend of Harry's.



- How is Harry?

- Better now he knows you're coming.



- And how's the lawsuit?

- Mr Gingrich thinks we can't lose.



- Oh, really?

- I'm gonna testify myself. I'm a witness.



- You were there?

- Oh, yeah. Right where it happened.



Actually, l'm the guy that hit him.



It's got me all shook up. I keep running

that play over and over again in my mind.



I saw him there.

I could have stepped out of bounds,...



..l could have cut back

and reversed my field.



But l didn't. And all for

a lousy extra five yards.



I wouldn't brood about it. Everybody

tries for that extra five yards, and...



Well, sometimes people get in our way.



Harry played me your record.



You sing good.



I sing damn good, if you must know,

but l started off wrong,...



..working with a cheap band

in some crummy cellar.



To make it these days you need exposure.



- You need what?

- A showcase.



Like the Copa, or the Persian Room.



And for that you need a knockout

wardrobe, and special material,...



..and a vocal coach, and a publicity man,

and for that you need money.



So unless you got like

      bucks, forget it.



Maybe it's all for the best, because now

that you're here, maybe you'll stay.



Sure... and go back to

doing those linoleum commercials.



I was talking about going back to Harry.



You know, you and me, we both hurt him.

Except l can't do anything about it.



But it's not too late

for you to square things.



We'll see what happens.



When you travel with a team

you live with a lot of guys.



- But Harry's something else again.

- You don't have to sell me.



When your telegram came,

he almost jumped out of that chair.



All Mr Gingrich talks about is the money,

but all Harry talks about is you.



That's just like him.

Sweet, impractical Harry.



If he had his way,

nobody would get anything out of this.



(whistles) Get a load of that broad!



- Keep your mind on business.

- This is business. It's the wife.



(Max) l'd sure hate to be stuck

in a wheelchair with her around.



- You got enough film in the camera?

- Sure. Why?



Because if we're lucky, this may

turn out to be our Swedish masseuse.



Hi, Sandy.



Have a good flight?






- If l were a gentleman, l'd get up.

- Darling!



Let me look at ya.



- What do l remind you of?

- I don't know.



I'll give you a hint. (whistles)



No, l still don't know.



All right, one more clue.



Whistler's Mother. Hey, isn't he too much?



What happened? You've got green eyes.



It's the contact lenses.

They make them in all colours now.



- You still wear your hair the way l like it.

- Oh, l've never changed.



Where do you want these?

ln the bedroom?



Well, l certainly don't

want them in the kitchen.



You heard the lady.



- How long can you stay?

- It depends.



The band's opening in Atlantic City,...



..but l told them l had to go

to see a sick relative.



That's close enough. I am sick and

l am a relative. At least l used to be.



Harry, promise me something.



As soon as you get a little money,

have this couch re-covered.



According to Willie, l could have it

re-upholstered in $    bills.



I may even get a new apartment.

I got a Mustang.



- Willie's breaking it in for me.

- Well, who cares?



The important thing

is to get you well again. (sniffs)



- I'd better start on that dinner.

- Thank you, Boom Boom.



- Cooks too. He's quite a treasure.

- I don't know what l'd do without him.



Harry, what do the doctors say?



They're just guessing. It's a compressed

vertebra, and some nerve damage...



- It all connects up.

- Compressed vertebra?



Yeah. But l may fool everybody.



I may be back on my feet

a lot sooner than anyone expects.



On the other hand, you never know.

These things sometimes drag on and on.



Too bad it's a phoney.



What is?



- The fireplace.

- Oh.



It would be nice to have a fire now.



Remember when we used to put

a red light bulb behind the logs...



- ..and pretend this was a bearskin rug?

- Right in front of Whistler's Mother.






I'd better unpack.



With the chicken paprika

we should have some white wine.



- I didn't get any.

- Look in the wine cellar.



Second shelf, behind the cereal.

I hide it from the cleaning woman.



I'll put it on ice.



What do you think of Sandy? l guess

it's not fair to ask. You just met her.



Not that l think she's perfect.

They're all unpredictable.



And she may not be a raving beauty,

but then l'm no Mastroianni either.



(hums) lt's just that sometimes

two people drift apart...



..and they have to get together again

because they were cut out for each other.



Like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

They belong.



- You know what l'm trying to say?

- Yeah.



I knew you'd agree with me.



Oh boy, oh boy. Look at this.



- What?

- I think l'm goin' out of my mind.



- I can't watch it any more.

- What?



Apricot dumplings!



On top of chicken paprika,

red cabbage, buttered noodles...



And that dame hasn't touched any of it.



Just yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.



I knew it two weeks after l left you,

what a terrible mistake l'd made.



You have no idea how many times l

wanted to pick up the phone and call you.



But l was afraid.



I thought you'd just hang up on me.



Then when l heard about your accident,

l didn't stop to think. I just called.



Well, l'm glad you did. At least

something good came out of it.



The day l got the divorce papers l was

working at a club and l couldn't go on.



I went to the ladies' room and was sick.



You know what l did? l went down to

Lake Erie to throw my wedding ring away.



I don't blame you.



Lemme show you something.



You won't believe this, because you

always said l wasn't the sentimental type.



Oh, where is it?



What are you looking for?



The junk you women carry around.

It's like the inside of a claw machine.



Here. I couldn't bear to throw it away.



Now that you've brought it up,...



..neither could l.



Where would you like your coffee?



Oh, coffee. We'll have it... in the library.



- Or the east wing terrace?

- It's too cold for the terrace.



The library it is!



- Bring a third cup and join us.

- No, thanks.



I don't want to butt into a family reunion.



I don't think he approves of me.



Nonsense. You shoulda heard him

talk about you in the kitchen.



Harry, now that l'm here, do you

really think you need him any more?



Well, it's not that l need him.

He needs me.



It makes him feel better to help me out.



I thought that was going to be my job.

You never considered me much of a wife.



- Oh, honey...

- Don't deny it.



I guess l was kinda silly and useless.



But l want a second chance now.



Maybe l've grown up a little.



Wait a minute.



You'd better pour the coffee.

One lump, remember?



Never mind the dishes, Boom Boom.

Leave 'em.



OK. They're all rinsed. I'll finish up

when l come to fix your breakfast.



You don't have to bother.



No bother. It's on the way

to the practice field.



Boom Boom, l don't want

to turn you into a housekeeper.



You have your own job to worry about.

And now that Sandy's here...



You know how it is.



I know how it is.



Mrs Hinkle, that walker?

He should practise with it every day.



He's up to    steps now.

He should try    tomorrow.



-   . All right.

- And that whirlpool bath?



Twice a day. And if the batteries

run down on the wheelchair...



I'll figure it out.



- You'll still come to see me, won't you?

- Sure, buddy. Good night.



Good night.



I didn't want to say anything,

but that chicken dish we had...



- It's Hungarian.

- Well, it wasn't very good.



- I've learnt to cook now.

- Yeah? Really?



I'll make you a meat loaf tomorrow.



unzip me, please?



Put on a little weight, haven't you?



Seven pounds.

That's how good a cook l am.



- If you need any help with your corset...

- I can manage.



(romantic dance music)



(phone rings)



The phone, darling.

Aren't you going to answer it?



- Hello?

- Well, welcome to Cleveland.



Certainly nice to have you back

with the organisation. How's our boy?



Why don't you kids

go play on the freeway?



- I said how's our boy?

- He's wonderful.



Everything's wonderful.



Like old times.



We just had dinner,

and we're about to go to bed.



Lemme talk to him.



Look, Harry, if l were you, l'd forget it.



I know what's going through your mind,

but this is not the time... or the place.



What are you, my marriage counsellor?

lf l want advice, l'll write to "Dear Abby".



OK, Harry, it's your neck. But if

you're gonna do something foolish,...



..remember to show your good profile,

because you are on Candid Camera!



Ohh! Children, watch it!



(crockery smashes)



Harry? Are you all right?



I'm fine.



- Can l have one more of these?

- Sorry.



- What do you mean, "sorry"?

- We reserve the right to refuse service.



- I own this joint!

- You appointed me manager. I say no.



Now cut that out, Pop. I need it.



You wanna drown yourself, use water.



This won't do it. I know.

I tried it once myself.



- What's that?

- Bourbon.



Haven't seen you around in a long time.



It's me, Elvira. I bleached my hair.



- Do you like it?

- It's gorgeous.



Well, you know what they say.

"Blondes have more fun."



Yeah, because there's always

some sucker to pay for it. Beat it!



- What did l do?

- I said beat it!



He bothering you, honey?



Why don't you take "honey" home

and dip her head in a pot of ink?



Real tough cat, ain't he?

Except on that football field.



He didn't look so tough

against the Giants last Sunday.



(woman screams)



What is this? Break it up!



Come on, now. Break it up. Break it up.






(cracks knuckles)



- Anything happened across the street?

- I'll say.



She gave him a rubdown,

he gave her a rubdown.



Did you get it on film?



Cool it. Nothin' happened.



He fell asleep in the wheelchair,

she stayed up readin' and smokin' a lot.



It's your turn to drive.



Don't wake me till we get to Albuquerque.



Oh, no! (sobs hysterically)



Please, don't cry, Mother.

Believe me, she's changed.



She washed my socks,

she scrubbed the bathroom.



Tonight she's cooking me a meat loaf.



(hysterical sobbing)






Please stop crying.



How's the weather in Florida?






Hi, Sandy.



Morning, Harry.



Shut up, Mother.



Don't mind him. Go back to your canasta

game. I'll call you over the weekend.



You look yummy

for this early in the morning.



I feel yummy.



- Everything under control?

- Everything.



I've got the incorporation papers.

Sign all seven copies.



- What are you incorporating?

- The Harry Hinkle Foundation.



- Didn't you tell her?

- I thought it'd be a surprise.



I don't like surprises.

What's this all about?



Oh, you're gonna be proud

of him when you hear this.



Next Saturday...



Next Saturday there's gonna be

a night game against Washington.



They're planning a tribute to Harry.

The lights are gonna go out,...



..and everybody will be asked to light

a match and pray for Harry's recovery.



Can't you just see it?       matches

flickering in that dark stadium.



Then the spotlight will pick up Harry.



He'll wheel himself up to the microphone

and make the announcement.



What announcement?



That all the money from the insurance,

over and above medical expenses,...


            going into the Harry Hinkle Foundation

to help the handicapped.



- I'm not sure l understand.

- We don't want anybody to think...



..we're suing just to line our own pockets.



Maybe we're not the Rockefeller lnstitute

or the Ford Foundation.



But in our own small way, we can hold

out a hand to the less fortunate,...



..give them a little hope, a leg to stand on.



Hey, wake up. Wake up!



- What is it?

- We're in Albuquerque.



- Huh?

- Something important just came up.



I'd better take this tape

down to O'Brien, Thompson and Kincaid.



I shoulda listened to my mother

and become a bookie.



- Shouldn't "handicapped" have two p's?

- Two p's?



I typed it myself, trying to save money.

After all, it's a non-profit organisation.



- You're not disappointed, are you?

- About what?



- The couch. I guess it'll have to wait.

- So what?



I think it's a wonderful thing

you're doing. I'm so proud of you.



I better be getting back to the office.

I'm expecting an important phone call.






I hope it doesn't rain.



Oh, Willie?



Be right back.



Hey, Santa Claus.

Can l ask you a question?



Sure, little girl. Wanna sit on my lap?



What's all this about you helping

the handicapped? What's the gag?



- Gag?

- Come off it, Willie.



Why go to the trouble of trumping up

a case and then give the money away?



- Who says it's trumped up?

- I do. You think l'm stupid?



Five specialists examined him.

Are they stupid?



Compressed vertebra.

Harry has had that since he was a kid.



- So don't snow me. I know it's a fraud.

- I wish you wouldn't use words like that.



- So is the foundation.

- All right.



Let's just say it's a legal manoeuvre to put

the squeeze on the insurance company.



They wouldn't dare fight

an organised charity.



If anybody had told me Harry would

get involved in a thing like this...



He may still blow it.

The place is wired for sound...



..and there are detectives

watching from across the street.



- I get the picture.

- So if you could keep him in line,...



..l'd appreciate it very much.



- How much?

- Worry not.



There'll be enough for everybody.



- I'll do what l can.

- That's a good kid.



Hey, put on a little weight, haven't ya?

l'd say about seven pound.



Sorry. Just wanted

some legal advice from Willie.



- Legal advice?

- I was wondering,...



..if you can annul a marriage,

why can't you annul a divorce?



- Can you?

- You know Willie.



He could find a loophole

in the Ten Commandments.



Time to practise with your walker.



   steps today.



Can't youjust see it?       matches

flickering in that dark stadium.



Then Harry will wheel himselfup to the

microphone and make the announcement.



What announcement?



That all the money from the insurance,

over and above medical expenses,...


            going into the Harry Hinkle Foundation

to help the handicapped.



- Are you sure that's Willie Gingrich?

- Yep. Recorded this morning.



Whiplash Willie turning philanthropist.



- Do you believe that?

- Not for a second.



- Do you realise what this means?

- It's obviously some cheap trick.



Cheap? The minute a jury hears

that that money is going to charity...



..they'll nail the insurance company

for $  million.



- I still think Hinkle's an impostor.

- You think!



- I know l've let you down...

- You certainly have.



In Technicolor.



Well, uh... I'd better be

getting back to my post.



Poor Purkey. He used to be

the best private eye in Cleveland.



- Get Gingrich on the phone.

- What for?



We're in a good position to negotiate.



We know he's up to something,

but he doesn't know we know.



(phone rings)



Hello? Yes.



O'Brien, Thompson and who? Oh, yes.

You're those lawyers in my building.



What's on your mind, gentlemen?



You wanna see me?

Hold on, l'll check my calendar.



(hums the overture

to Rossini's "The Barber of Seville")



Well, l'm all jammed up tomorrow.



uh, nothing open Thursday.



Friday is out of the question.



uh, maybe l can squeeze you in

next Monday between     and     .   ?



Today? l just don't see how l can do it.



Well, if you boys wanna drop down here

and take your chances...



All righty.



(hums "The Barber of Seville")



Come in, gentlemen, come in.



I'm sorry things are a little messy.

My secretary got married.



- Oh, really?

- Yeah, ten years ago. To me.



Sit down, sit down. Here you are.



Now, what's your problem, gentlemen?



Consolidated lnsurance want to wrap up

the Hinkle case. A matter of book-keeping.



Mind you, it's against our advice.

But we are prepared to offer you $     .



Yeah... Now, let's see,

if you're offering      ...



..that means you've been

authorised to go to   .



That means they'll go to   . Why don't we

skip all preliminaries and start at      ?



- $     ?

- That's not acceptable.



- (kettle whistles)

- Would you like some instant coffee?



- We'd like an instant decision.

- We might go as high as      .



What's your hurry?

We'll have our day in court.



I'm perfectly willing to leave the decision

to a jury,     good men and true.






Anybody care for cocoa? Ovaltine?

Sauerkraut juice? Delaware Punch?






Melba toast? Skinless sardines?

Tootsie Rolls? Low-calorie yogurt?



- How about some pepperoni pizza?

- No, thank you. I'm on Metrecal.



Metrecal? Fresh out. But l've got, uh,

Bufferin, Pepto-Bismol, Mercurochrome...






You boys going to the game Saturday?



It's Harry Hinkle Night.

There's gonna be a very interesting show.



     . Take it or leave it.



When this case started l wrote down

a figure on a piece of paper.



I've got it right here. I will not

settle for one cent less than that.



All right, $     .



Did you say      ?



That's not it.



This has been declared a disaster area.



Eleven persons are dead or missing,...



..over     families have been

evacuated from their homes,...



..and the property damage

is estimated in the millions.



I'll be back with more news

after this word from our sponsor.



Here it comes.



# Cover your floors

with Lindenbaum's Linoleum



# lt's better indoors

with Lindenbaum's Linoleum



# For the lowest price

and the highest style



# Do your house over in vinyl tile

and for gracious living...



I don't wanna be bitchy,

but where did they dig her up?



- She sings a little flat, doesn't she?

- Flat? She's pitiful.



# Come down to Lindenbaum's,

come down to Lindenbaum's



And how about that long dress? She must

have bad legs. I used to do it in tights.



You don't have to remind me.

I was behind the camera.



On the local scene,...



..the chances ofthe Cleveland Browns

to repeat as National League champions...



..suffered a blow last night when one of

their star performers ran afoul ofthe law.



Luther "Boom Boom" Jackson,

the leading punt returner ofthe league,...



..was released on bail

after being charged with drunkenness,...



..assault and battery, and resisting arrest.



Art Modell, owner ofthe Browns,

announced this afternoon...



..that Jackson has been

indefinitely suspended...



..pending a hearing to determine

further disciplinary action.



In other news ofthe sports world,

Mickey Mantle said today...



That's a shame.



I knew it. I knew l shouldn't

let him out of my sight.



What are you going to do?



This is absolutely our final offer.



$       .



Wrong again.



(phone rings)



Hello? What is it, kid?



Did you hear

what happened to Boom Boom?



- Well, l'm sure he must need a lawyer.

- There are      lawyers in Cleveland...



..and you pick the one

who is beating his brains out for you?



Well, there's nothing

we can do for him anyway.



Come on, Harry. Don't bother me.

We got bigger fish to fry.



- What did Willie say?

- He can't be bothered.



He's negotiating.



Harry! Be careful.



Wanna know who got Boom Boom into

this mess? Wanna know the whole story?



Darling, don't get grey hair over it.



I've been lying to you all along. I...



You do have a few grey hairs.

Makes you look distinguished.



Don't move. Don't say anything.



Just think about you and me.



If we're going to start all over again,

how can it hurt to have a little money?



We're so close to it now.

Don't throw it away.



For once in your life, be practical.



Do the smart thing.



I love you, Harry.

But l don't want to love somebody dumb.



Hey, Purkey! Can you hear me, Purkey?



I know you're up there!



You're not fooling anybody,

you big tub of lard!



How did he know we're up here?



I got a message for you

from Gemini Control!



You can start packing up

because the mission has been scrubbed!



Repeat, the mission has been scrubbed!



Over and out!



Take that filthy glove out of my face!



- Do you suppose he's tellin' the truth?

- I wouldn't put anything past him.



Let me check it out with Mr O'Brien.






(humming "The Barber of Seville")



Am l early? l hate to be

the first one at a party.



- What party?

- I thought we were having a celebration.



- Willie, what happened?

- This is the Hinkle apartment?



Come on. Tell us.



Whereas Harry Hinkle, hereinafter

referred to as the plaintiff,...



..renounces all claims

against the Cleveland Browns,...



..CBS and the Municipal Stadium,

hereinafter referred to as the defendants.



In consideration thereof...



Like l promised you, on a silver platter.



Could l have my coffee, please?



- $      !

- I coulda held out for more.



But old Mr O'Brien, l took pity on him.

I hate to see a grown man cry.



I may cry myself. Look at all those zeros!



- Willie, you're a genius.

- # l'm a genius, yes, l'm a genius



# Da-da-da-di-di, a genuine genius



(continues singing)



(honks horn)



- I'd still like my coffee.

- Coffee? At a time like this?



- You wouldn't have champagne on ice?

- We don't even have any ice.



I'll see what l can find.



Come on, Harry. Cheer up.



You got the biggest cash award ever

made in a personal injury case in Ohio...



..and you're acting like a loser.



What would you like me to do?

Turn cartwheels?



Not yet. You're still convalescing.



But in a few weeks we'll have you up

on crutches, then we'll get you a cane.



Why are you so good to me?



So you'll be walking

to the bank with a slight limp!



Big deal!



OK, Mr O'Brien. If that's the way

you want it. You're the boss.



- They settled.

- Good.



I can get home in time to watch Batman.



- Don't touch that camera!

- The case is over.



That's what you think.

And what Gingrich thinks.



Why don't you give up?

He's too smart for ya.



Maybe so. But Hinkle isn't.



And l think l know

how to break him down.



Where are you goin'?



The big tub of lard is gonna

pay a little visit across the street.



So be ready for action.



Now that you got this kind of money,

be very careful,...



..because the world is full

of chisellers and con men.



- I'll be careful.

- But luckily you got me.



You may think l'm a great lawyer, but l am

ten times as good a business manager.



- I'll be very careful.

- Happy days!



- What's this?

- Kahlua.



I thought we had some bourbon,

but your friend Boom Boom...






Now when it comes to investing,

the big trick is diversification.



You put a little money into uranium

stocks, a few oil wells in Montana,...



..some real estate in downtown Phoenix...



As long as you boys are diversifying,

l want $      to invest in me.



- You?

- That's what it would cost...



..if l'm to work the Persian Room.



- You're going back into singing?

- You bet.



And this time l'm gonna do it right.



For $      you can put on

a pretty good act.



"Everything's Coming up Roses" -

that's what l want to open with.



Four guys carry me on

in a big basket full of flowers.



I'm wearing a tight red sequined gown

and they're in tails.



White tie, top hats and canes.



Socko, baby, socko!



Maybe l could be one of the four guys.

Bring my own cane?






Looks like the party's beginning to build.



- I take it back.

- Can l come in for a minute?



I thought you only came in through the

window, or through the heating system.



If you don't mind,

l'd like to take out my equipment.



Help yourself.



You know something, Purkey?

We're gonna miss you.



You're a real good neighbour.



Quiet, discreet, unobtrusive, and yet

always keeping a watchful eye on us.



- I was just doin' my job. Nothin' personal.

- Of course not.



But sometimes even the best bloodhound

barks up the wrong tree.



Any more news

about Boom Boom Jackson?






Too bad what happened to him.

But maybe it'll teach him a lesson.



Our black brothers have been

gettin' a little out of hand lately.



Just too damn cocky,

you know what l mean?



- That's enough out of you, Purkey.

- Look, l'm all for equal.



But what gets me is,

l'm drivin' an old Chevvy,...



..and when l see a coon

ridin' around in a white Cadillac...



Dirty son of a bitch!






Thanks. Hey, Max!






- You walked right into a trap, you idiot!

- I'm the idiot.



I should have tipped off the insurance

company. They'd have given me $     !



Max! Hey, Max!



- Did you get it?

- I'm not sure. It's a little dark.



- Oh, no!

- Did you hear that? Get back in the chair.



Get back.



You want another take?









- What's your exposure?

- I was wide open.



Stop it down to F- . Check your focus.



- You ready?

- Yeah.



Roll her, Max.



So much for the bad hand.



Let's see what a man

with a broken back can do.



Attaboy. Keep it up.



Willie, why don't you do something?



Well, the first thing l'm gonna do is cancel

my reservation at the Persian Room.



Hey, you've got one green eye

and one blue eye.



My contact lens! l must have dropped it.



Don't move.



And now for the most death-defying feat

ever attempted by a man...



..who just got out of a wheelchair!



Did you get what you wanted?



- Let's have the keys to my car.

- They'll repossess it in the morning.



They can have it in the morning.

Right now l need it.



I don't want to find you here

when l get back.



And take your damn meat loaf with you.



Nothing wrong with my leg either.



How did l ever marry

into a family like this?



Wait a minute, Purkey! l'm not

through yet. Keep that camera rolling.



Go ahead. Let's see him

wriggle out of this one.



This is William H Gingrich,




I am both shocked and dismayed to learn

that my client has been deceiving me.



But there is no legal case

against Mr Hinkle...



..because no money has changed hands.



However, there is a legal case against the

firm of O'Brien, Thompson and Kincaid.



They invaded the privacy of my client,...



..a violation of the Fourth Amendment and

the Federal Anti-Wiretapping Law of     .



I am therefore filing charges

against these gentlemen...



..before the Ethical Practices Committee

of the American Bar Association.



Furthermore, l am moving immediately

to revoke the licence...



..of one Chester Purkey,

private investigator.



He has maligned a member

of a minority group,...



..and l shall report this to the Civil Rights

Division of the Justice Department,...



..the Human Rights Commission

of the united Nations, the NAACP,...



..CORE, the American

Civil Liberties union...






I think l found your contact lens.









This ain't my day.



- Yeah?

- I'm looking for Boom Boom Jackson.



You're ten minutes late.

He just cleaned out his locker.



The team fightin' to stay up there

and this has to happen.



I would've believed it of some of the other

guys, but Jackson? ln a barroom brawl?



I don't know what got into him.






Wait a minute!



We ain't got no   .



This seat taken?



- What's that with the matches?

- It's for a buddy of mine, Harry Hinkle.



He's in a wheelchair.



Remember what you said you'd do to

anybody who called your buddy a faker?



Well, l say Harry Hinkle is a faker.



What are you waitin' for?

Go ahead, belt me.



- Why did you do it?

- For the money. What else?



- You're a liar.

- That's what l came to tell you.



If it's for the money,

how come you're out of that chair?



I didn't like the setup,

l didn't like the characters involved.



Especially me.



- Go ahead, do it.

- And put you back in that corset?



Oh, no. I'm not gonna

go through that again.



- I see you're all packed, huh?

- Yeah.



Shaving kit, three pairs of socks,...



..and the football they gave me

after the Baltimore game.



- Where are you goin'?

- I don't know.



But somewhere between here and there

there's got to be a bar.



Come on, l'll buy you a drink.



Look, they'll make you sit out

a couple of games, but you'll be back.



I don't care one way or the other.

I'm through.



- Who says you're through?

-       people.



When they boo every time you come

off the field, you get the message.



Sure you've been playing lousy.

You had this mental block.



I'm supposed to be a pro.

Once you start to choke up,...



..once you drop three punts in a row,

you look for another line of work.



- Such as what?

- A guy my size, my weight...



I can make it in the wrestling racket.



I think l'd make a pretty good heavy,

call myself the Dark Angel.



- The Dark Angel?

- You coming?



December   th.



You sure kept me busy that day

with the camera.



-    yards,    yards...

- So long, buddy.



See you around.



(Harry) Hey!



Boom Boom!



You forgot somethin'!






Go, man, go!



(laughs) Yeah!



Yeah! Ha!



Got ya!



Are you all right, buddy?



Did l hurt you, buddy?



Buddy! Talk to me, buddy.



Why doesn't one of you

answer the phone?



- What phone?

- It's ringing.



There's no phone here.



Hey, how many of me do you see?



- Two.

- Two?



Boom Boom Jackson, and some nut who

wants to call himself the Dark Angel.



- Come on. Play ball. Let's go.

- OK.



- Give me the ball.

- OK.


Special help by SergeiK