Foul Play Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Foul Play script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Chevy Chase and Goldie Hawn movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Foul Play. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Foul Play Script





Good night, John.



- Good evening, Your Excellency.

- Good evening, Mrs. Russel.



Did the...? Did the meeting go well?



Oh, very well, indeed.



In fact, I feel certain now that

the opera gala will be a triumph.



Isn't that marvelous?

It's so exciting, so ecumenical, so...



Precisely. Good night, Mrs. Russel.



Good night, Your Excellency.






Perfect. Is that a shot?

Thank you.



- Janet. Hey.

- Hi, how are you?



- Hello, how are you?

- You look so lovely.



- Thank you.

- Congratulations on your...



And I have no intention...



Excuse me.



Uh-oh. There we go.

My fault. Very much my fault.



Hey, come over here.

I wanna talk to you.



Sit down.

Now, what's this about you leaving?



I wanna take a ride along the coast,

and then I have to get back to the city.



And don't worry.

I promise I'll be here for your wedding.



You better. I need you.

So, what's going on tonight?



Oh, nothing special.

I'm gonna go to a movie.



- By yourself?

- Yes.



Gloria, this has got to stop.



Just because you've had one

bad experience



doesn't mean that you give up.



I haven't given up.

I came to this party, didn't I?



Ever since the divorce,

you lock yourself in that library



and hide behind those glasses.

Look at you.



You used to be a cheerleader.

You used to show some cleavage.



- What?

- Let's see some skin.



Shake your booty.

Take some chances.



- What are you playing, old maid?

- I'm not playing anything.



That's the trouble.



- OK. OK, I get the message.

- Sure, you do.



Now, take tonight. Why don't you

go out there and mingle,



pick someone...

Oh, just a second.



- She's right, you know.

- What?



Nice party. Lot of chances.



Didn't anyone ever tell you that

eavesdropping is not nice?



My single worst problem as a child.



I'll never forget my mother and parole

officer getting together with the priest



- and discussing the difficulties I had...

- Excuse me. I've gotta go.



You're gonna love this. Hey, come on.

I'm sorry. I was just kidding around.



I think we got off on the wrong foot.



Yes, and it seems to be

in your mouth.



OK, I deserve that.

But listen, it's Gloria, right?



You're a really nice girl,

and I'm a nice guy,



and you're very pretty

with or without cleavage and...



What do you say?



Would you like to take a shower?



- I don't pick up strange men.

- Well, that's your problem.



So why don't you try it?



When you go for it




Hi. Thanks.



I'm really in a bind.

I've gotta be in the city by  .



- Well, I'm going to...

- Thanks.






- What was wrong with your car?

- Radiator.



Oh, too bad. Do you live in the city?



Huh? Oh, yeah.



- So do I. It's fun, isn't it?

- Yeah.



Looks like we might have some rain.



Of course, you never know

with San Francisco weather.



One day it's wet and foggy, and three

hours later it's bright sunshine.



- What's your name?

- Gloria.



- That's a pretty name.

- Thank you.



Mine's Bob Scott.

Everybody calls me Scotty.



- Nice to meet you.

- It's really nice to meet you.



It's not every day I get rescued

by a girl in a yellow convertible.



- Cigarette?

- No, thanks. I don't smoke.



Yeah. I'm trying to

give them up myself.



- You'll live longer.

- Yeah.



That's my plan.



- Come on, Gloria. It'll be fun.

- Oh, I don't know.



Look, I'll meet you

in front of the theater.



- Where'd you say it was?

- The Nuart on Union Street.



Come on, Gloria, take a chance.



What have you got to lose?

I'll buy the popcorn.



Oh, all right.

But it is a retrospective, you know.



Hey, I love old movies.



Damn it. Three left.



Gloria, do me a favor.



Would you hold these for me

till this evening?



I'm trying to keep it down

to a pack a day.



- OK, if it'll help.

- It will be a big help, believe me.



Out of sight, out of mind.



I'll just put them in your purse.



Gee, gotta run.



- See you at the movies.

- Eight o'clock sharp.



Well, hello, there. I didn't think

you were gonna make it.



I know, the weather's awful outside.



That's why I bought my ticket

and came on in.






Oh, I don't think they let you

smoke in here, Scotty.



Here, have some popcorn.



Go ahead, take it. I'm finished.



- The film.

- Oh, well, you haven't missed much.



You see the man in the overcoat?



He's waiting for the Chinese sailor,



the one Alan Ladd thinks

kidnapped the old gypsy.



But the secretary told

the cab driver that...



Wait a minute.



There's going to be a murder.



Oh, I'm sure of it.



The police... Contact the police.



Well, actually, the cab driver

is with the police.



Except the Chinese sailor

doesn't know that.






The Dwarf.



Beware of The Dwarf.



Gee, Scotty, I don't think there

is a dwarf in this movie.



Scotty? Are you all right? Scotty?



Come quickly!

There's a man dead in there!



- Where?

- In there!



I'm sorry.

You'll have to see the manager.



- Where is he?

- In his office.



But I wouldn't go in there

if I were you.



- Handsome Harry...

- Are you the manager?






Quickly. A man's been killed!



- Killed? What? Where?

- In there!



Stop the film. Call the police.



Fred, turn off the projector.

Put on the houselights.



- Quickly, come with me.

- Not in my theater.






All right! OK!



- He's gone.

- What the hell is this?



- I mean, my date. He was right here.

- Who?



My date. He was right here.

I swear.



Your date is the one who's

supposed to be dead?



Yes. He was sitting right next to me.

I gave him my popcorn. Where is it?



OK. All right, lady.

Just come with me.



- All right! We'll have it on in a minute.

- You've got to believe me.



- Yeah.

- Did you see my date?



Look, we'll talk about

it in the lobby, huh?



- I believe you, really.

- Did you see my date? Did you...?



Come on. We'll talk in the lobby. OK!



All right!



You tell Fred to start that projector

and bring down those houselights!



You've gotta believe me!



Lady, you made a fool

out of me in there!



I saw you out front.



- You didn't have any date.

- No, he came in late.



He was all wet and bleeding.



Sylvia. Where you going, honey?



Look, I'm sorry, Harry.

Intermission's in    minutes,



and I gotta go warm up

the weenies.



But, Sylvia... Sylvia.



He said, "Beware of the dwarf."



Dwarf? Listen...



...why don't you do me and you

a great big favor.



Why don't you just go home

and sleep this whole thing off.



I don't understand. He was dead.



I don't know what could have

happened to him.



Listen. You shouldn't go to picture

shows like this and smoke that stuff



if it's gonna affect you

the way it does, huh?






Oh, Mr. Hennesey. It's you.



Whatever happened to you,

my darling?



- You look like you've seen the dead.

- I have.



In that case, come inside.

Tell me about it.



We'll have a nice hot cup of tea.



But it was so real. And that warning

about the murder was so sinister.



Well, my darling, Gloria,

people just don't drop dead in cinemas,



watching horror movies

and whispering, "Look out for the elf."



It was, "Beware of the dwarf."



Well, whatever.

He was playing a prank, that lad.



So you shouldn't take it

so seriously.



- Well, he did act rather strangely.

- Well, you see?



So you don't think I should

call the police?



The police? Whatever for?



I don't know.

I just have this strange feeling



that somebody's trying to kill me.



To kill yous? Well, you gonna

call the police and tell them



that you have a strange feeling?



I mean, they got killings of their own

to worry about, you know?



You're probably right.



They have killings and executions

and assassinations.



I think it's time we made

"murder" a four-letter word.



- Would you have a cookie?

- OK.



- They're good.

- Aren't they?



Well, when you've been an

anthropologist as long as I have,



you're working most of the time

in the field.



You acquire what my old father

used to call "culinary expertise".



I remember in Africa, in Kenya,



I was studying the lbutu tribe,

fascinating society,



and we could take a leaf from

their book, if they had books.



But they did have this wizened

old witch doctor,



and his name was Kiyato,

and he was a pretty good cook.



Here, I've got a picture of him.

I'll show you.



Esme! Get away from those cookies!

Esme, get away!



Get away from that! Hear?



Oh, poor Esme. You frightened her.



Well, she's getting too uppity.



She steals me out of

house and home.



Don't you, you wicked girl?

Don't you?



Where was I? Yes, the lbutu.



This is a commendable society.



It has severe taboos on murder

and light taboos on sex.



Thank you, Mr. Hennesey.

You've been wonderful.



Well, you're my favorite tenant.



And if anything disturbs you

in the middle of the night,



you just scream



and I'll be upstairs in a flash,

kicking ass.



Good night. I'll remember that.






Pope Pius Xlll, on the first leg

of his American tour,



today addressed a special meeting



of the United Nations

General Assembly in New York.



Stressing the urgency of world peace

and international harmony,



the smiling   -year-old pontiff

received a warm reception



with the U.N. Delegates frequently

breaking into spontaneous applause



during his speech.



New York is the first of five stops

for His Holiness in this country.



He'll meet with the president and

congressional leaders tomorrow



in the nation's capital, then travel

to Chicago and Los Angeles,



with a final stop here in San

Francisco, before flying on to Japan.



Vice President Abernathy

arrives in Guam tonight,



ready to begin talks tomorrow

with foreign ministers



of the now defunct SEATO pact.



The purpose of the new meetings

is to establish a new framework...



- You wanna have lunch today?

- Yeah.



Listen, I got a lot to tell you.



- Oh, yeah? What?

- I'll tell you at lunch.



Really, Gloria. Do you know the

percentage of rapes from hitchhikers?



- Have you any idea?

- No.



Plenty. And look at you,

with no protection.



Well, now, he didn't seem

to be after sex.



Rape is not an act of sex.



Rape is an act of violence.

Remember that.



Suppose that guy attacked you



instead of pulling that weird stunt

in the theater, huh?



What would you have done?



I would have hit him

with my umbrella.



Talk about ancient.



Really, honey, you gotta

drag yourself into the '  s.



You gotta get some merchandise.



You see this?

It's called "The Screamer".



They make a grab for your tits,

you just flick the switch.



Then you got your mace. Zap.

Right in the face.



And finally, for infighting,

the punch of power.



Crunch. Right in the nuts.



You certainly are prepared.



Nobody's gonna mess with Stella

unless Stella wants to be messed.



I don't know, all this stuff...



Gloria, sweetheart, we live in a

violent society. Weirdoes all around.



Get them before they get you.



- Good night, Mrs. Monk.

- Oh, good night.



- Taking your work home with you?

- Oh, yes.



I'm on to a fascinating sleuth,

you know, research is so exciting.



- Well, you're the best. Good night.

- Oh, well. Good night.



Oh, by the way, Gloria,

I almost forgot.



While you were out to lunch,

someone was inquiring for you.



He said he knew your pastor

and would get in touch with you later.



A nice little man. You know, a dwarf.



Well, good night again.



Oh, you frightened me.



I thought you were a dwarf.



You gave me quite a shock.

The library is closed.



Didn't you hear the bell? Oh, well.

Doesn't matter.



Anyway, I've already locked the front.

You can go out the back



with me if you want, but I just

have a few things to do before...



That way!



- Take me home.

- What?



Take me home, please.






- My place or...? Or yours?

- Which is closer?



Well, I have a little pad

just around the corner.






- Do you mind if I finish my drink?

- Oh, no! Please. Do you have to?



No. No, I don't have to, Miss...



Mundy. Gloria Mundy.



Moria Glun... Moria Glundy.



- Can we go out the back way?

- The back way.



Fine with me, Gloria.

Anything you say.



My name is Stanley Tibbets.

Do you go to these bars often, Gloria?



I mean, not that there's anything wrong

with that. I mean, human desire...



It's a fascinating thing.

I mean, take me for instance.



I... I have an interesting job.

I... I work for the city.



- But every now and then...

- Couldn't we walk just a little faster?



Oh, you seem to be in a hurry.

Not that I object.



I mean, God, any man would love

a woman who lays it on the line.



Take, for instance,

the average woman,



who takes two weeks of dinners

before you even get to first base.



I mean, I've been in America

for two years, and...



- Mr. Tibbets, please!

- Oh, call me Stanley.



Here it is, my own little beaver trap.



Oh, don't turn the lights on just yet.



I'll go and close the curtains.



Oh, sure thing, baby.



Anything you say.



How's that?



Oh, listen. I don't want you to think that

I'm acting too strangely, but I have to...



No, no, no, no. No, I understand.

Make yourself comfortable.



- Oh, thank you.

- Let me get you a drink.



- That would be nice. Thank you.

- What would you like?



I've got it all.



I don't know.



Leave it to me. I know just

the thing for your mood.



How about that music?



- Fine.

- Great beat.



- Yes.

- Hidden speakers. Quadraphonic.



- Really?

- Yeah, I got it all.



Here we are, foxy loxy.



- Gloria.

- Gloria.



- Tastes like Tabasco.

- It's called Spanish fly.



I've never had it before.



Well, I know a few people...





What about that, then?



- Look, Mr. Tibb...

- Stanley.



Stanley, I hope you don't mind

that I stay here just a moment.



- I just wanna make sure...

- No. No need for explanations.



Listen, as you say over here,



"You're put on this world

to do your thing.



"I'm put on this world

to do my thing.



"And if, perchance, our things...









"...that's... That's groovy."



- I just wanna look out the window.

- Fine. Fine.



Do you...? Do you mind if I

make myself comfortable?



- Huh? No.

- No!



Do you have any binoculars?



What'd you say? Binoculars?



Are you into that too? Me as well.



I read about it in Penthouse.

Just a second.



Here you are, sweet thing.



- Thank you.

- Anything you want, doll face.



I got it all.



OK, Gloria!

What are we waiting for?



Oh, my God!



What's the matter, baby?



Well, what is this?

What are you doing?



Why are you undressed?



I don't believe it!

Did you think that I...?



Didn't you want to...?



Stanley, really.



- Where did you get the idea that...?

- It was just a bit of fun.



You know, a... A few laughs.



- What's this on the wall?

- That is... nothing.



It's... a training film.

It's purely educational.



- And what's over here?

- Oh, God!



Oh, my God. Did you...?

Where did you find all this stuff?



I'm sorry, I don't do this very often.



I never knew there was

such diversity.



- Please come back!

- It's amazing, just amazing.



- I got this for my nieces.

- Oh...



- No, I... I borrowed it for a party.

- Here, here, let me do that for you.



- Maybe I should call you a cab.

- Yes, please.



Mr. Hennesey?



Formal sentencing

will be in two weeks.



It's expected he will be given

the maximum penalty.



Continuing on his international

goodwill tour, Pope Pius Xlll



arrived today in Washington for

an informal visit with the president.



The two talked for more than an hour,

after which the pontiff was honored



at a huge White House reception

attended by what appeared to be



nearly every major dignitary

in the nation's capital...



... world peace and

universal brotherhood.



Next up, the vice president

arrives in San Francisco.



But first, this message.



Plop, plop, fizz, fizz

Oh, what a relief it is



Plop, plop, fizz, fizz

Oh, what a relief it is



Come over here.



Where is it?



- Where is it?

- What?



Lady... I don't want any trouble.



Just give me what

Scott gave you yesterday.



But he gave me nothing.



What did he give you in the car?



I swear he gave me nothing

except a pack of cigarettes.



- Where are they?

- In my purse.



Where's your purse? Where?



Over there, on the couch.



OK, stay.






Hello? Police?



Oh, something terrible's happened.




A murder. I wanna report a murder.



Oh, all right, but hurry!



Hello? Yes.



A man broke into my apartment,

and I think I've killed him!



Well, no.



No, it happened just now.



Just now, I came home

and he was here.



What? What?



Oh, all right, I'll hold on,

but hurry!



Gloria Mundy.



    Vallejo, second-floor apartment.

Please, come right away...



Oh, no!



No! No!



Hello. How you feeling?



You. What are you doing here?



They're from the police.

Are you all right?



I'm inspector Ferguson, ma'am,



and this is my sometime partner,

Lieutenant Carlson.



They said you'd called about a murder.



I had to break the lock.



The body! Where's the body?



- What body?

- The dead body!



It was right there!

Didn't you see it?






And the phone...



And the window...



Oh, my God, it happened again.



- What's happened again?

- Just like last night.



- Just like in the movie theater.

- What?



The dead body.

It's gone! It vanished!



Well, maybe it was embarrassed.



Come on in here.

I think you better sit down.



But you don't understand.

The body has disappeared.



- Whose body was it?

- I don't know.



A man with a scar.



He tried to murder me,

but I stabbed him with the needles.



Oh, narcotics, huh?



No, knitting. And...



Oh, I put them back in the basket.



And the poker too.

Or did you do that?



Hey, relax.



All we did was get

an emergency call on a homicide.



We got here, broke in the door

with your landlord,



and found you unconscious

on the kitchen floor.



I carried you to the couch...



- You carried me?

- Yes.



- Thank you.

- You're welcome.



And you woke up insisting

that there's a dead body around here.



Look, I know it sounds strange,

but somebody cleaned the place up.



- And took away the dead body?

- Right.



Wait a minute!



I've got it!

It must have been the albino.



Who's the albino?



He's the one who killed

the man with the scar.



You said you killed

the man with the scar.



I did. Except he killed him

after I killed him.



See, I didn't really kill him.

I just stabbed him with the needles.



Right after he heard the cuckoo.



Oh, you don't believe me, do you?



But it's true. It really happened.



You believe me, don't you,

Mr. Hennesey?



My darling, if you believe it,

I believe it.



There's some very

mixed-up people out there.



They're puny spirits with small minds.



Like that man told you

in the movies last night,



"Beware of the midgets.

They're taking over the world."



Mr. Hennesey, he didn't.

He said, "Beware of the dwarf!"



A dwarf?



Well, whatever. Now,

you're not to worry about anything.



I'm here to make sure

that you're safe. In fact...



...l'm going to put a brand-new lock

on this door, right now.



A big one, yeah.



Oh, he doesn't believe me.



He thinks I've been dreaming

or something.



Don't be silly.






...did you drop acid

a little earlier tonight?



No. No, you don't understand!

A man tried to kill me here tonight.



- The albino?

- No, no!



- The man with the scar?

- Yes!



See, the albino tried to kill me earlier,



- but I smashed him with my umbrella.

- Your umbrella?



I'd never met

the man with the scar before.



Unless he's the one that was driving

that black limousine.



Why did he wanna kill you?



- Who?

- Man with the scar.



I'm not sure, but I think it was

because of the cigarettes.



- He wanted a cigarette, or...?

- No, he wanted the whole pack.



Kind of greedy.



The albino must have wanted

the cigarettes too.



So he killed the man with the scar

to get them.






And I'll bet he's the one

who killed Scotty.



- Scotty?

- Who's Scotty?



Look, Gloria...



...I know you've been through

something here tonight,



real or imagined. But I just wanna

bring you down to earth a bit.



You gotta see how absurd

this whole thing is.



We have no dead body,

there's been no sign of violence.



Our suspects are albinos

and chain-smokers.



Wait a minute! I've got it!



The albino is working for the dwarf.



I tell you, I've been on some dumb calls

in my time, but this one tops them.



Where'd you meet

this ding-dong, anyway?



What's all that stuff about

having her for lunch



down at the station house tomorrow?



You're not even supposed to be

riding around with me.



- It's fate, Fergie. Kismet.

- Kismet, my ass.



- Listen, this girl is weird, Tony.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.



But she's got the prettiest green eyes

I've ever seen.



Yeah, they're blue.



And behind those blue eyes is

a fruitcake with a homicidal umbrella.



- Wait a minute!

- What?



You have the prettiest

green eyes I've ever seen.



Cut that out.

I hate it when you do that.



- Don't do that anymore, all right?

- Let's go, beautiful.



Gloria, I don't believe you.



How can you be so gullible?



You have got albinos chasing you

down the street,



prowlers breaking into your apartment.

Don't you see?



They're only after one thing.



- They wanna get into your pants.

- I don't think so.



And now you have this cop

inviting you



down to the station house

on your lunch hour.



Do you think he's not gonna try

for a little nookie?



He's really nice.



- Gloria, I'm your friend, right?

- Right.



And I wouldn't steer you wrong,

would I?






Take these.



Without them, you are a walking

light bulb waiting to be screwed.



Let's see. One, two, five, six.






They used to have the most

beautiful dude ranch near Phoenix.



"Happy Trails", I think they called it.



Of course, this was before the war.



Here we are, with a   

and a Double Word Score.



- That makes   .

- Twenty-six.



Ever see that Arizona Highways?



Oh, it is the most beautiful magazine,

isn't it?



Let me see, now...



One, two, seven, eight,

nine, ten,    four...   .



Such lovely pictures.

I wonder if they still put it out.



Why, I see them now and again

at the library.



And here we go.



Eight, nine, ten,   ...

And double that...



We have    we have   

and double is...



- Fifty-two!

- Wait, Elsie.



I think you're wrong.



I think you spell that word

with a hyphen.






I was just taking a shot.



There she is!



Oh, no.



Oh, yes. They tried it again.



Gloria, just sit back and enjoy the fire.



I'm pouring you a nice,

warm albino martini.



Here you go.

Drink this, and it's off to bed.



You should have been a doctor.



OK, we'll play whatever you like.



- Mind if I smoke?

- No, go right ahead.



You know, it's funny.

My father was a doctor.



- Wanted me to be one too.

- What happened?



Well, I went to medical school.



It was tough. All those books.



Then I joined the paramedics.

That was tougher.



Besides... I always had a yearning

for the criminal life.



- But you're a cop.

- Same difference.



- How's the milk?

- It's great.



- Lieutenant...

- Tony.



I don't understand.



Last night, you didn't believe

the story I told you, did you?



- I believed that you believed it.

- What about tonight?



Did you believe I was kidnapped?



I know the address of the building

they held me in.



- It seems that...

- Look,



I promise I'll check that out

first thing in the morning.



And the license plate

of the black limousine,     TCE.



- Got it.

- Tony, I'm not lying.



No one thinks you are.



Why would anybody wanna kill me?






Come on.



You're safe here.



I checked all the windows

and the doors, everything.



You trust me, don't you?



Here, finish your milk.



Good girl. Full?



- Feel better, don't you?

- Yes.



I'll call you tomorrow.



Oh, I'm not working tomorrow.

I'm home.






Would you like me to carry you

to your bedroom?



No, thanks. I can walk.



OK, then I'm gonna take off.



Don't worry, Gloria.



If there really is somebody out there

trying to kill you,



I promise you,

we'll find out who and why.



Well, the room checks out.

Nobody up there.



Landlord said it's been

empty for months.



It's rented on a yearly basis

to a guy called... Stiltskin.






I've heard that name

somewhere before.



Oh, no.



I thought when you were suspended,

I'd have a three-week vacation.



I was framed.



You're lucky you've still got

your badge.



Arresting the mayor for speeding

and then cuffing him.



Are you out of your mind?



I'm telling you,

he was wearing eye makeup.



Get out of here!



Hey, listen, this is serious.



What was that story,

wasn't too long ago,



about a guy named Stiltskin?



You been talking to Donahue?



No, why?



You know this guy?



Yeah, I've seen him around.

Works undercover, right?



He did. His name's Bob Scott.



And we just fished his body

out of the bay.






Yeah, he was working on a tip

that a major assassination



is gonna take place here

in the city, Thursday night.



- Tomorrow night.

- The biggest hit man west of Chicago



has been hired for the job.



His name is Stiltskin,



Rupert Stiltskin.






Yeah, alias "The Dwarf".



Holy shit.



Oh, no. He's nice, really.



He brought me home

last night, and...



And then he had the police bring

my car back this morning.



- Who is it?

- Special delivery.



Just a second, Stella.

Somebody's at the door.



- Miss Mundy?

- Yes.



Just a moment.



Hiya, toots.



I've been looking forward

to this meeting for some time.



- You... You're a dwarf.

- True, true.



J.J. MacKuen's my name,

and life's my game.



Not life insurance,

but life everlasting.






- Oh, my God.

- Sure you are.



Please. If I'm gonna do this right,



I've got to have

your undivided attention.



She'll call you right back.



You... You're the dwarf.



Well, actually, we prefer

to be called "little people".



It was you who was asking for me

at the library.



True, true. But, unfortunately,

our paths didn't cross.



No matter.



Today, I have brought with me

a little present



that my employer wants you to have.



And all that is required of you



is to consider the possibility

of coming closer to God.



Keep away from me!



Miss Mundy, why take this attitude?



I'm merely a salesman

of the divine Word.



Look upon me as an instrument



who will release you

from the worries of the world



and bring you the promise

of eternal rest.



Keep away from me.



Miss Mundy...


            you believe in life after death?



Somebody help me!



Stop this thing!



Please, help! Oh, my goodness.



- Gloria.

- Tony!



Gloria, what are you doing?



Did you see him? That was him.

That was the dwarf.



That's who Scotty told me about.



He tried to kill me.



Oh, I knew he was out to get...



"The new American Bible.

The translation you can believe in.



"J.J. MacKuen."



Oh, he was a Bible salesman?



You mean I...?



That's right, honey.



You have attacked

an innocent dwarf.



X-ray technician, please call




Mr. MacKuen?



It's Gloria Mundy.



- Who?

- Remember me?



You came to see me this morning.






How are you feeling?






Thanks for the flowers.



Oh, that's all right.



My pleasure.



Here, I bought you some more.



I felt it was the least I could do.



I'm awfully sorry.



Well, I was thinking

of leaving the job anyway.



Oh, really?



Yeah, I never should have taken it.



I'm too pushy. I annoy people.

That's my personality.



And you can't move merchandise

like that anymore.



They... They look like

lovely Bibles to me.



Oh, they're top quality.



It's me that's no good.



I come off too strong.



Well, you did give me quite a shock.



You don't have to apologize.



I'm a putz.



Oh, no, Mr. MacKuen.



I think you're being

a little hard on yourself.



Well, maybe everything

will turn out for the best.






I always feel that you can see

a positive side to everything.



Yeah. I was thinking of opening up

a gas station in the desert



and I think you helped me

make up my mind.



I'm so glad I could help.



Oh, no!



Oh, I'm sorry.



I was just gonna kill a fly.



I'm sorry.



- Well, I guess I better be going.

- OK.



I'll come back tomorrow after work.



Oh, no, no. I'm sure I'm gonna

be out of here by tomorrow.






All right.






it was nice meeting you again. Bye.



Oh, that poor little man.



To think that I was responsible,



that I was capable,



that all that violence is within me.



Yeah, I know.



And lucky for him,

you didn't have your umbrella.



Come on, let's go.

Tony's waiting for you at the station.



Gloria, I need your help.



Somebody's gonna

be murdered tomorrow night,



and we gotta prevent it.



I want you to take a look

at something.



- You recognize these people?

- That's the man with the scar.



- Right.

- That's the albino.



Right, his name is Whitey Jackson.



- I don't know.

- That's Rupert Stiltskin,



alias "The Dwarf". He's the head

of the assassination team.



Scarface wanted to

double-cross his buddies



and gave Scotty some evidence

about tomorrow's job.



They found out about it,

killed Scotty.



Scarface wanted to protect himself.



Tried to get the evidence back.



But they were onto him.

They killed him.



So the evidence was in the cigarette

package that Scotty gave me.



- Right.

- Well, but they took



the cigarette pack when

they took Scarface's body.



- Right.

- Then what do they still want me for?



I don't know, but they do.



And that's why I've been assigned

to protect you.



You have?



Well, what does that entail?



The usual.



We move into your house,

set up a round-the-clock surveillance



and send out for pizza.



I traced the number

on that black limousine.



- Great!

- What is it?



You're not gonna like it.



It's registered to the archbishop

of San Francisco.



Fancy layout.



- Yes?

- Lieutenant Carlson, ma'am.



Is Archbishop Thorncrest in?



Just wanna ask him

a couple of questions.






Won't you please come in?



That's right.



We really expect almost everyone to be

seated when the motorcade arrives.



Of course.






Well, thank you.

And thank you so much for calling.






Good afternoon.



Good afternoon.

I'm sorry to bother you.



I'm Lieutenant Carlson.

This is Inspector Ferguson.



This is Miss Mundy.



Very happy to meet you.

Please, sit down.



Now, what is it

I can do for you?



We're investigating

a black limousine...



Oh, you found the car.



Good news.



- Did you catch that rascal, Turk?

- Who?



Turk Farnum,

the man who stole the car.



Don't tell me he got away.



We've had no report

that the car was stolen.



No report? But yesterday I...



- Miss Casswell?

- I'm sorry, Your Excellency.



I thought I'd give him

one more day to come back.



- After all, he's such a...

- Really, Miss Casswell.



The car has been gone two days.



Now, I think somewhere we have to

draw the line on Christian charity.



Could you describe this Turk?



- Large, heavyset.

- Bald?



Yes. He came to us

as a chauffeur about...



- What was it? Three months ago?

- Yes.



From St. Damien's halfway house.



You see, he's an ex-convict.



We'd have a file on him.



- What's his present address?

- He lived above the garage.



Miss Casswell, why don't you show

the lieutenant Turk's quarters.



Maybe they'll come up

with something.



Yes, Your Excellency.

Would you come this way, please?



Miss Casswell,

then come right back here.



I want to have a word with you.



He was such a nice man.



A little simple, perhaps.

But then, he had very little education.



You see, no one

was ever kind to him.



Throughout his whole life,

no one had ever given him a chance.



- There's nothing around here, Tony.

- OK.



Miss Casswell, does the name

Stiltskin mean anything to you?



- No.

- How about Whitey Jackson?



Is he that football player that wears

the pantyhose on television?









Now the shit has really hit the fan.



Oh, Stella, he's not like that at all.



- I like him.

- How's he feel about you?



- I think he likes me.

- Oh.



That's OK. If they say

"I like you", it's not so bad.



It's when they say "I love you"

that you gotta watch out.



Listen, I have to go.



Just have Mrs. Monk see what

she can come up with.



They've never heard of it

around here.



OK, Gloria. Be careful.



- Bye.

- Bye.



Mrs. Monk, what do you know about

the Tax the Churches League?



Well, I'm calling it a day.



Any more news on Turk?



We've checked everything on his file.

All known associates,



places he frequents, clubs, bars...

Nothing so far.



Well, I just asked

my girlfriend at the library



to find out about the

Tax the Churches League.



That's a funny group

for Turk to belong to.



Hey, I play detective.

You play lady in distress.



Hey, wait a minute.

It's my ass they're after.



I'm sorry. You're right.



That was a stupid, glib,

chauvinist remark, and I apologize.



It is your ass they're after,



and it's my job to see to it

that I get there first.



What do you say to two juicy steaks

and a bottle of wine?



Well, you could start

by saying "hello".



I'm gonna take you home.



OK, Fergie, listen.

If anything should come up,



you know where to get ahold of me.

Right. Good night.



Hey, this is the way to the bridge.



I thought you said you were

gonna take me home.



I did.



My home.



Oh, you're really full of surprises.



I never met anybody who ever lived

on a houseboat before.



That's fantastic.



Well, my brother built it,



and when he got married,

I moved in.



It's so beautiful here.



Yeah, on a clear day

you can see Alcatraz.



How nice.



Be careful here.

It's very slippery at night



- on the gangplank.

- OK.



- Hold onto something.

- OK.



You OK?



- Nice fire.

- I just turned on the switch.



- Come here.

- Hey. Hi, little one.



- Hi, little dog.

- Hey, Chaucer, what do you think?



You play your cards right and she'll

take you out for a sea-gull dinner.



Chaucer and I, we've been

getting along just great.



- Yeah, he likes you.

- He told me all about Monica.



How do you know about Monica?



I think this is for you.



What is that?



"Darling, you are out of eggs

and cottage cheese.



"I'll pick them up tomorrow.

Love, Monica."



Oh, that Monica. She's my maid.



She sounds very efficient.



She's terrific.



She comes in twice a week

and really clears the decks.



Trims the sails?



Blows the pipes.



How long has she

been doing all this?



Well, she won't be back.



Monica drowned this morning, and...



- Just like that, huh?

- Yeah.



I think we both knew it was coming,

and it was kind of sad for both of us.



Good shot.



How about a joint?



No, thanks.



You sure? You know what they say,



"Cops have the best dope."



No, I don't do that anymore.



I don't think it's necessary.






Just testing.



Never touch it myself.



Not me, nope.



You're funny.



And you have the prettiest

green eyes I've ever seen.



They're blue. Drink your milk.



So go on.



What happened after the divorce?



Nothing. I went back

to the library to work...



...and I guess I did become

kind of a hermit.



My girlfriend Sally,

she's getting married on Saturday.



Oh, you know her.

The one at the party.



Oh, yeah. The one that kept

telling you to start taking chances.



Right. Look what happens.



Oh, it didn't work out so bad.



I almost got killed.



Well, yeah, but you met some

pretty interesting people.






I guess you can't trust

first impressions.



What does that mean?



Well, when I first met you,



- I thought you were a bore.

- Yeah?



- What about before that?

- Before that?



Yeah, when you first saw me.



I thought you were a klutz.



And what about before that?



- Before...?

- Yeah, when you very first



laid eyes on me.

What were you thinking?



I thought you...



I thought you had a nice smile.



You did?



What else?






I thought you were cute.



What else?






What did you think of me

when you first met me?



When you first laid eyes on me?



I thought...



I thought you had a nice smile.



What else?



I thought you were cute.



Extremely cute.



What else?



I thought it would be nice

to kiss you.



- Me?

- Yeah, you.



- Me too.

- You did?



Then? Right then?



Thought it would be nice to kiss you.






You should always trust

your first impressions.



You know something?



I'm really glad that you were

assigned to protect me.



I do my job pretty well.



You do your job very well.



Thank you.



Hey, Chaucer,



how you doing?



That's a boy. Go on.

Go make breakfast.



Good morning.



Good morning.



You look very pretty.



Come here.



- I could get used to this.

- Me too.






Hi, Fergie.






All right, tell Coleman

I'll be there right away.



Listen, you meet me at Gloria's.



I want you to stay with her all day.



Right. Bye.



- Come on. I'm taking you home.

- I have to go to work today.



No, you're not.

Fergie's gonna stay with you all day.



We may have a lead.

I think they got Scarface.



What's happening?



- Recognize the corpse?

- Scarface?



Yeah, we found him over there.



An early-morning fisherman

spotted him.



- Anything on the body?

- Nothing.



I guess it's back to basics.



Search the area, try to find

some witnesses, huh?



Yeah, Morgan's on that.



I don't mind telling you, Tony,

that this one's got me scared.



An assassination

is gonna take place tonight,



and we're digging up

nothing on nothing.



I know.



There's gotta be

something somewhere.



What is it? What's the clue?



What have we overlooked?



I thought Sergeant Ferguson

was supposed to be here.



- He was.

- Well, why is it...?









Come on.



We'll get you out of here.

How about that, huh?



How'd you like to take a little bath?

Would you like that?



How'd you like a little soak

in the bathtub?



- What do you think?

- Oh, my darling. My dear.



I'd have never had me a daughter,

but if I did,



I'd want her to be you.



Oh, Mr. Hennesey, that's sweet.



Well, this is my bridesmaid's dress.



And look, I just do that



and goodbye, bridesmaids,



and I'm ready for a night

out on the town.



I think I'd rather see you as a bride.



- I'm working on it.

- Come on. Gonna take a little swim.









Yes, if Tony wants me to,

I'll be there.



What's the address?



If it's that important,

I'll come right away.



What? Bring my umbrella?



But it's beautiful outside.









He hung up.



I wasn't trying anything. I just told her

what you told me to tell her.



Watch your mouth.

Watch it.






Anybody here?









Run, Gloria. It's a trap!



Let go of me!



- She got away.

- Oh, goddamn it.



Get her.



Hello there, can I help you?



- Just a minute.

- We're having a special today.



- A rub in a whirlpool.

- No, no. Listen...



Pay for one and you get one free.



Excuse me.

This will just take a second.



Take your time, pussy pie.



We've got all day

for an afternoon's delight.



I feel the earth move

Under my feet



I feel the sky tumbling down

A- tumbling down



I just lose control



Oh, sing it, Stanley, baby.



Down to my very soul

I just...



Oh, my God, it's you.



Why? Why are you following me?



Why? What have I

ever done to you?



Stanley! What are you doing here?



- Never mind. You've gotta help me.

- Oh, please.



Please, don't tell anybody

you saw me here. It's my first time.



I swear. I'll never do it again.

I promise.



Be quiet.



What's so bad, anyway?



I didn't do anything.



I never do anything.



Stanley, listen to me.

You've gotta help me.



Help you?

I don't know this place.



But it's a matter of life and death.

It's very important.



What do you want me to do?



Hey, give me that.



There's a phone out by the pool.



Go out there and call the police.



The police?



- Oh, my God, the police?

- Yes, tell them to get here right away.



- Tell them to raid the place.

- A raid?



You want me to go and call for a raid?

Are you crazy?



Do you know what

they would do to me?



The headlines. Hey!



Listen. Many lives are in danger.

My life, your life.



There are men out there

who are killers.



What? But why me?

They don't know me.



I'm not even using

my real name.



Take this dime.

Now, get out there and call the police.



You don't have to be here

when they get here.



Go on. Go and I'll keep

an eye on your clothes.



But I can't do it.



God. Never do it again.






Yeah, well...



Yeah, I'd like to see...



Could you get me the police?






- It's a matter of life and death.

- Tell Tony Carlson! Tell Lieutenant...



Hey, hey. What's...?



What are you doing here?






This is what you want?

All right.



Thank you very much.



- Anything from the FBI?

- No, nothing.



- How about the C.I.I.?

- Nothing.



Nothing. Nothing on nothing.

This is just great.



Are you Tony Carlson,

the cop friend of Gloria's?



- Yes.

- Well, we found



this file at the library on

the Tax the Churches League.



I thought I would bring it over.



It has some pictures there,

and Gloria felt maybe it would help...



Wait a minute.



This is Miss Casswell.



No, I think that's Delia Darrow.



It says there that

she and her husband



founded the league and then

in      were sent to prison.



They tried to kidnap the Reverend

Billy Graham. Where's Gloria?



Dickinson, find out everything

you can on this Delia Darrow.






Really, I don't know what happened.

I wasn't doing anything.



Really. Look, I've never been

to one of those places before.



I thought it was a health club.



- What weirdoes.

- Look,



thanks for coming by.



It's the first real lead

we've had today.



I will tell Gloria.

She's back at the house.



No, she's not.



I spoke with her landlord, and he said

that she left this morning to meet you.



What are you talking about?



That's what he told me.

I expected to see her down here.



Hey, what... Where you going?



I didn't... I didn't know

what sort of place it was.



- Who cares?

- Look, of course I paid the money,



but I wanted a massage.

I had this bad back.



I've got this pain up and down here.

All I wanted was a little...



Hey, watch those hands, buster.






- Didn't you get the address?

- No.



She just said Fergie called

and told her to meet you.



Come to think of it,



she was a little puzzled when

he told her to bring her umbrella.



Damn it, I should have

stayed with her.



Do you think she's been

kidnapped by this fellow, Stiltskin?



I'm sure of it. But I think I know

where to begin looking.






If Gloria's in trouble,

I'm going with you.



No way. I can't be responsible

for your safety too.






Oh, shit!



Black belt,     .



OK, but hurry up,

we haven't got much time.



- We've gotta get to the archbishop's.

- Esme.



You be a good... Esme!



How many times have I told you?

Do not eat the cigarettes!



Come on, let's go.



Right. Do you think Gloria's

at the archbishop's?



I wouldn't be surprised.



Hello, Turk. Been looking for you.



- Very impressive.

- Jungle training.



Drag him in the bushes.

Meet me around back.






What's that?



Must be that idiot, Turk.



God knows what's keeping him.

We're late as it is.



- You all right?

- Tony...



Tony, you gotta...

You gotta stop them.



- What?

- Stiltskin was hired to kill the pope.



- The pope?

- At the opera tonight,



before the reception.



- And the archbishop too?

- That's not the archbishop.



They killed him.

That's his twin brother.



His twin brother?



What about Gloria?

Where is she?



They got her upstairs.

I'm all right. Go on.



Don't move, lieutenant.



Drop the gun, or I'll shoot.



I don't get this. Stiltskin's dead.

Police know all about you.



There's no way for your plan

to work now.



They may know about Delia Darrow,



and they may find out

about Charlie here,



but the plan is still gonna work.



The statement will be made.



Don't you think we should get out

of here? Turk's disappeared.



- What are we waiting around for?

- All in good time, Charlie.



It's only  :  .



The quarry is just entering the trap.



You see, lieutenant,

your relentless pursuit



forced us to come up

with a contingency plan.



It is foolproof.



If by the end of the first act

the pope has not yet been dispatched,



Whitey Jackson will open fire

from the organ bay.



He will also fire if the pope

unexpectedly leaves his seat



or if the police arrive

in the auditorium.



But why kill the pope?

He means nothing to you.



He is a symbol,



a symbol of the vast wealth

and corporate power



of the world's churches.



Like my dear, dead brother.



Always the good one...



...hiding behind the skirts of this sham

called organized religion...



...whose sole aim is to rob

true spirituality of its life...



...and perpetuate

an implacable authority.



Shut up, Charlie.

Don't excite yourself.



My brother.



Is this a stable?



Or is it a palace for

the prince of the church?



In the past, people rose up

and slaughtered their kings.



Tonight's the beginning

of a revolution long overdue.



Ten years ago, we attempted

a peaceful campaign



for the taxation of these

billion-dollar corporations.






...they support the economic system.



And so the economic system

supported them.



We were attacked, laughed at...



...and finally imprisoned.



But it was there, in those hellholes,



where the mind is bound

and the spirit is shackled,



that we realized that

the single most effective way



to bring about radical change

is the historically proven path...



...of violence.



Oh, Mr. Hennesey...



She was one tough old mama.



Come on.

We gotta get to the opera house!



But the opera house is clear

across town, and it's already past  .



The opera must have already started.



If you want to know who we are



We are gentlemen of Japan



On many a vase and jar



On many a screen and fan



We figure in lively paint

Our attitude's queer and quaint



Call Coleman. Tell him to have

all units in the vicinity



meet me outside the opera house.



On no account are they to take

any action until I arrive.



- Take care of Fergie.

- You might need this.



- It's  :  ! We'll never make it!

- We'll make it.



- Tony, this is a one-way street!

- Son of a bitch!



Look out!



And all is right as right can be



Right as right



Can be



This stern decree

You'll understand



Caused great dismay

Throughout the land



For young and old

And shy and bold



Were equally affected



The youth who winked a roving eye

Or breathed a non-connubial sigh



Was thereupon condemned to die

He usually objected



Objected, objected



He usually objected






Uh-oh, look out!



Watch out!



- Mamma mia! Luigi!

- Are you all right?



- I'm OK.

- OK, come on. Let's get outta here.



- Are you crazy?!

- It's all right, everybody! It's OK!



- Nobody's hurt! It's an emergency!

- You crazy?! My Luigi...



- You break my restaurant!

- I'm a police officer.



- Are you crazy?!

- Don't worry. Enjoy your dinner!



Nothing to worry about!



There's nothing to... I am

a police officer. It is an emergency.



We must leave.

We'll give back the telephone...



- Police! Police! Luigi!

- It's a very large order. Big order.



- Large order.

- They're breaking my ristorante!



Hey, you! Look, I'm a police officer.



I gotta get to the opera house,

and you gotta drive me.



- Far out!

- Great, yeah. Get in the front, Gloria.



It's a life-and-death situation,

so move over, buddy.



Everything is quite correct

All is quite correct



And so we straight let out on bail

A convict from the county jail



Whose head was next

On some pretext



Condemned to be mown off



And made him Headsman

For we said



"Who's next to be decapited

Cannot cut off another's head



"Until he's cut his own off

His own off, his own off"



Far out!



Far out.



Three little maids from school are we

Pert as a schoolgirl well can be



Filled to the brim with girlish glee

Three little maids from school



Everything is a source of fun



Nobody's safe for we care for none



Life is a joke that's just begun



Far out.



Far out.



Hold it! Stop! Police!



- Hey, what happened here?

- Yeah. Big accident over there.



I'm with the police. We need some

assistance. You wanna help us out?



- Sure, no problem.

- Follow that cowboy. He's with...



He's with the FBI.

Gloria, get in.



Hey! Hey, wait! Wait! Wait!



Tony! Hello.



Tony, there's an old couple back there.

They don't speak any English.



They just arrived in America.



That's great. Just tell them

to hold on tight. I can't stop now.



Three little maids from school

Three little maids who all unwary



Come from a ladies' seminary

Freed from its genius tutelary



Three little maids from school

Three little maids from school



One little maid is a bride, Yum-Yum

Two little maids in attendance come



Three little maids is the total sum

Three little maids from school



So you see?

There's nothing to worry about.



Everything is gonna be all right.

We're perfectly safe.



Tony, here, he's a policeman.

You know, a cop?



- You know, bang, bang, like Kojak?

- Kojak?



- What?

- Kojak? Bang, bang?



- Right! Right!

- Kojak!









Your revels cease

Assist me, all of you



Why, who is this whose evil eyes

Rain blight on our festivities



I claim my perjured lover, Nanki-Pooh



Oh, fool, to shun delights

That never cloy



Go, leave thy deadly work undone



... our joy advance



- With laughing song and merry dance

- With laughing song and merry dance



Then let the throng

Our joy advance



With laughing song and merry dance

With laughing song...



OK, now, when we get inside,

I want you to point out the albino.



You're the only one who's seen him,

he may wear a disguise.



Oh, God! He'll be in one of

the two organ bays, won't he?



That's what the lady said.

Look out. Hold on.



You guys, come on!



Oh, it was very nice meeting you. Bye.



- Sayonara.

- Sayonara.



Kojak. Bang, bang.



Tell Morgan I'm here.

You check with security. Let's go.



You two stick with us.

Come on.



In vain for mercy

On your knees you'll sue



Lieutenant Carlson from the police...



I'll tear the mask from your disguising



Now comes the blow



Prepare yourself for news surprising



How foil my foe?



You two, come with me. Get those out.



No minstrel he, despite bravado



Open it.



- I know

- He is the son of your...



Must be on the other side.

You stay here till we get him.



You guys come with me. Come on.



Tony! Tony! Help! Help! Tony!



- Where does this go?

- To the grids, backstage.



Tell Coleman to meet me backstage.

You come with me.



Of your...



The son of your...



Ye torrents roar, ye tempests howl

Your wrath outpour with angry growl



Do ye your worst, my vengeance call

Shall rise triumphant over all



We'll hear no more, ill-omened owl

To joy we soar, despite your scowl



The echoes of our festival

Shall rise triumphant over all



Prepare for woe

Ye haughty lords



At once I go




Away you go

Collect your hordes



Proclaim your woe

In dismal chords



We do not heed their dismal sound



For joy reigns everywhere around



We do not heed their dismal sound



For joy reigns everywhere around



The echoes of our festival



Shall rise triumphant over all



- Shall rise triumphant over all

- Shall rise triumphant



Triumphant over all



Shall rise triumphant over all



My wrongs with vengeance

Shall be crowned



We do not heed their dismal sound



For joy reigns everywhere around



We do not heed their dismal sound



We do not heed their dismal sound



For joy reigns everywhere around



- My wrongs with vengeance...

- We do not heed their dismal sound



For joy reigns everywhere around



Lower the curtain.

And bring that other thing down.



Take this. Get them down.



- You really took a chance up there.

- I know.



- You all right?

- I'm perfect.



Bring up the curtain,

bring up the curtain!



Can't you hear that applause?



Bravo! Bravo!











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