Four Rooms Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Four Rooms script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie directed by Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez, Allison Anders, etc and starring waaaaaaaay too many people to list. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Four Rooms. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Four Rooms Script



We used to have 50 on staff here. Fifty.



I'm the only one left.



All comes down

to one schmuck:



me, the night shift bellhop.



What the hell is that?

A bellhop? Huh? What is he?



Y- You know where

the name comes from?




It's so simple, it's stupid.



Some schmuck rings a bell

and ya hop.



Ya hop front and center.



Did you ever meet

any of the old stars, then?



What, are you kiddin'? I took Rin Tin

Tin out for a shit, for Christ's sakes.



Ah, hey, you talk

about stars, uh-



Hey, kid,



put this on.



Put it on. Put it on. Go ahead.

Come on, come on, come on.



Let me see. Let me see.



You know, and to think that I wore

that stupid thing for    years.



To think

I did that. Ah, shit, yeah.



Yeah, well-

Well, kid,



I'm gettin'

my ass outta here.






Yep, kid,



gotta go.



Listen, kid,



stay clear of...



night clerks, kids,

hookers and married arguments.



Come on, stand up. Come on.

I wanna say good-bye.



Now, uh-



Let me see.

You-You wanna get a tip?



Hold your hand out.

That's right. Now, uh, smile.



Give me a smile. Give me

a smile. Yeah, yeah, yeah.



Now, if the cocksucker

doesn't pay ya,



you say to yourself, uh,

"Fuck you, Jack. "



You know what I mean?

You never miss.



Tell you something else:



Keep your cock in your pants.



May I help you?



I have a reservation.



In the honeymoon suite.




Wait up.



What'd I tell you

about smoking?



You smoke.

That's right, I do, and I'm addicted.



So, welcome to this week's edition

of "Who is a Hypocrite?"



This is my first guest.

That's enough, Kiva.



You're not my mother.

Yes, I am.



Then why are we

sleeping together?












Thank you.



Oh, you little stinker



Oh, you sweet

little muffin



Yes, Mama loves

the baby.






I'm lookin' for the room

for makin' love.



Oh, right. You must mean

the honeymoon suite.



Well, it's straight that way. Can't

miss it. Uh-huh. I know where it is.



I just wanted you to know that I know where

I'm goin', so you needn't bother with me.



Well, no problem.

Where's your luggage?



I travel light.



Tell me, how long have

the others been here?



About an hour.



One hour.



You're very late, Eva.



I'm sorry, Athena. I was attending a

birth. The placenta was late in coming.



Which birth is more important

to you, Eva: that of a mortal,



or that of a goddess?



Will there be

anything else, ladies?




We do need some things.



We need... fresh rosemary

from the kitchen.



Mostly what we need

is from the kitchen.



Hey. Are you listening?






We need sea salt,

a little bit of sea salt.



Or kosher salt,

if you have no sea salt.



A bottle of spring water-

French, not that Italian shit.



Um, yes, and could I have some

French fries? Shut up, Kiva.



Some ginger

and some raw meat.



Liver, if you have it. I want fries, you

stupid jerks with your dumb fucking ritual.



Shut up, you little shit!






Don't talk to her that way.




if there's nothing else-



Thank you.



We're communing here

on New Year's Eve...



to bring to life

the great goddess Diana,



who was turned into stone

in this very room...



   years ago today.



Diana, O Great Beautiful One,



we make

these offerings to you...



so that we may undo the wicked spell

which deprived you...



of the seed of your lover...



of your virginal blood...



of your very life.



We now form the symbolic rock...



with our bodies.



On this night,

in this hour,



we call upon

the ancient power.



O Goddess Bride,



we offer thee...



milk from a mother's

sweet titty.



To reverse this evil

which has been done,



I make this offering...



to the Divine One.



A whore not,



an innocent was,



for whom I seized

a virgin's blood.



Goddess of Light,

Goddess of Lust,



to undo this awful spell

is a real must.



To bring you life

and get you high,



I offer the sweat

of five men's thighs.



O Diana,

O Great One,



we live without sun...



until this wicked curse

is undone.



In hope that you appear,



I have collected

a year's worth of tears.



Goddess Diana,

fail you, I will.



I was to bring you

fresh sperm from my Bill.



I had him erect,

and his semen would follow,



but alas, I was hot,



so hot that I swallowed.



You stupid witch!



You swallowed the sperm? You did?

Why didn't you use your hands?



Well, it just goes to show you what an

amazing lack of control you have, Eva.



Didn't your mama teach you not

to put them things in your mouth?



I understand, though.




you got one hour

to find me some sperm,



one hour to show me...



what kind of witch

you can be.



You hear me?




Ted, the bellhop.



Mr. Bellboy,



come right in.



Okay, mister.



Here is your $   tip,



only you have to do

one more thing.



You have to make

our little Eva smile.



We'll leave you alone.



Don't use your mouth.






Help me out here.

I've got to earn this    bucks.



Look, they don't care

if I smile or not.



They just want-



You wouldn't understand.



Try me.



I've been around

a bit, you know.






the five of us-



Athena, Jezebel, Raven,

Elspeth and me-are a coven.



Like a coven of witches.





You see,



for    years

we've been trying to...



reverse an evil spell

that was placed on our goddess Diana.



She was a beautiful virgin,



an entertainer by trade

but a great sorceress by design.



It was here in this very room

on her wedding night...



that a jealous rival

placed this curse on Diana.



Her husband was turned

into a pink fish,



while our dear goddess...



a stone

in her honeymoon bed.



This was Diana.



She's the blonde.

Ah. Right.





















Hate to tell you this,

but, uh,



I kinda doubt

she was a virgin.



She had lovers,

but she saved that for marriage.



If she doesn't get his goop in ten minutes,

I'm gonna go in there and get it myself.



That'd be a first for you.



You mean, you were

supposed to bring, uh-



And you-






And now...



you're my last chance.



W- Whoa.






No way.









it's against hotel policy.



I was warned.



"No sex with the clientele. "






See, what I really

wanna do is be a midwife.



I've attended

four births already.



I can prevent vaginal tears

and everything.



Really? That's good.



Yes. A fella doesn't like

too many surprises down there.



I joined the coven to obtain greater

understanding of my feminine powers.



Oh, really?



Seems to be working.

You really think so?



Oh. Yeah.



Oh, God.



Betty's gonna kill me.



Who's Betty?



The boss.

Oh, good.



Oh, God.



My number in Topanga.



Call me?



Sure, baby. I'll call you.



What's that used for?

This is, um-It's a birch branch.



It symbolizes eternal life.



I'm a woman now.




I use this bark for a tea

which assists in astral travel.



Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I wanna be a witch.



Great. Okay. You are.



We did it right there

in the big cauldron.



Great. Great.






Goddess Diana,

I offer to you...



the jism of the one

I wooed for you,



so you may live

and know such bliss...



as getting laid

by a guy like this.



So mote it be.



Three times three times three.






Just a minute! Yeah!



Room service.

Wait. W-W-What room is this?



This is the front desk, sir.



W- What room we in?

I don't know, man. I just got here.



   . It's room    

I think.



Look, I thought we were on the

fifth floor. All right!    . Yeah.



Hmm, sir?



Hey, is he

talkin' to me?



Look,    . We're in room    .




What do you need, sir?

What do we need? What do we need?



Ice. Ice.





Ice. Yeah, ice!



Right, sir.

    sir. Ice, sir.



I'll be with you momentarily.



Ooh. Disco.






Anybody there?



What'd you expect, Theodore,



a fuckin' floor show?









is this room    ?



Obviously I've come

at a very bad time.



Let's not beleaguer the fact

that you have no sense of timing.



The fact is, you're here,



and I couldn't think

of a better time for you...



to introduce me to your beau

than on New Year's Eve.



There's obviously been

a big mistake.



My name is Theodore. Yes.



I'm the bellhop.



Yoo-hoo. Lover boy.



Let's cut to the chase,




Is this about another man

or something?



Let's get our ABC's

right here, Theodore.



Theodore, right?



Ted's better.



Ted. Okay.



Are you saying my wife

cheats on me?



Come here.






This is about as intimate

a situation as you can get:






me, Angela here.



Pretty cozy, isn't it?






I demand an apology.



Oh, shit!






Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.

We ain't got no needles here, kid,



just a big fuckin' gun.



How's that grab ya?




Ciao, bambino.






where was I?



Ah. Ah, yeah.



I remember.









Gimme that. Gimme that.



No. Bad idea.

Say the following.



Come here. Come here.














must humbly-




Humbly! Humbly!

Humbleh. Humbly.



"And sincerely...

And sincerely...












Apologize. Apologize.



"For saying-




saying that I fucked

another man.




Saying that I fucked another man!



Saying that I fucked

another man.









Uh, do you accept

the fuckin' apology?






You always have to have

the last word, Angela.



Aw, it's just

one way with you.



May I-



Shit, yeah.

Come on, come on. Spit it out.



I don't mean to

upset you further, sir,



but I do think she was

trying to say yes.



Are you... condescending

to me, Theodore?



Absolutely not, sir.



Don't you think I noticed

there's a gag in the woman's mouth?



You know why I know that?



How, sir?

Because I put that gag in her mouth!



Don't move

a nose hair.






Don't be a stranger, Teddy!

Take off your jacket and relax!






We don't have time to play charades

here, you asshole. Untie me.




Jesus, honey!



I would appreciate it...

Where'd you put the Percodan?



if you would tell

that nut case in there...



he's making a big

fucking mistake.



Look, whether

you like it or not,



you are in the middle of a situation

here you cannot just wish your way out of.



But I've never met

you people before!



You're complete strangers!



Everybody starts out as strangers.

It's where we end up that counts.



You being a good boy, Theodore?

Quick. He's coming back.



Put the gag back in my mouth.

We play this game all the time.



Play by the rules and you

won't get hurt. Quick.



Come on, put the gag back in my mouth.

Quick! Quick! Quick.



Remember, don't make him mad. I

hope you're being a good boy, Teddy.



Oh! Teddy!







I was just

beginning to think...



I could trust you, Theodore.



Just trying to help her

breathe a little.



Well, don't let me

stop you, Teddy.



You don't mind my calling

you Teddy, do you?



No, it's fine.



You know, once upon a time...



I had a little bunny rabbit.



His name was Teddy. He looked real cute

nibblin' on Angela's ear.



But you're no bunny rabbit,

and picturing you do it...



really fuckin' razzes me.



But don't let me stop you.



Nibble, Teddy.



If this is some kind of...



weird voodoo thing...



and you want me to have

sex with your wife,



there's absolutely no way.



Start nibblin', motherfucker!



Now! Now!






That's it.

Hop like a bunny.



Don't be shy.



Good boy.



What's the problem,




No whiz left in the cheese?



Look, I'm not playing

this game anymore.



It'll be over soon.



Then you can go home

to Mommy,







The name's Ted.



Yes, my mother did me the disservice

of naming me Theodore,



and I haven't a clue as to how you know

that, because everybody who knows that...



is thousands

of fucking miles away.



Have you any idea,



the faintest idea,



what it's like to arrive at school and

find yourself surrounded by the maladjusted?



And there you stand.



Little Lord Fauntleroy.



Ever worn a bonnet?

Give it a try sometime.



So shoot me now,



because no one is ever...



going to call me...

Theodore again,



let alone...






the Thumper.












That's my name.







Nice to meet ya.



Very impressive,






Thank you.

It's a deal, kid.



Ted it will be.









My heart! Aah!



My... nitro pills

in the bathroom! Quick!






Next to the condoms!

They may be in my medicine bag!



This is it!



Oh, this is the big one,




Dear God!



Someone turn on

the lights!



Nitro. Nitro. Nitro.

Oh, baby, I got the chills!



I can't feel my leg!

It's fucked up!



Nitro! Where's the fuckin'

white lightning?



Can't live without my-






Help me!



No time to take a leak!

I'm dyin', here! Help! Help!



Help me!



Good evening.






I'm stuck

in a situation here...



which I couldn't possibly

begin to explain.



What I was wondering:

Do you think you could, uh,



call the police, sir?



Are you all right,

sir? Sir?






Yoo-hoo. Sigfried.



Oh, my God! Sigfried!






Ohh! Ohh!



Where is the fucking nitro?



Couldn't find it. What do you

mean, you couldn't find it?



Untie me! I'll find it!



It's your fault he's so upset!

Now he's dying!



I'll get some help!






I tie a pretty good knot,

don't I, Ted?






Thank God, you're okay!



You bastard.



Aw, honey.



Don't get mad. It was just a little test, and

I'm glad that I did it, because now I know...



you love me forever,






and deeply.



If the simple fact that I didn't want

your bloated, dead body...



lying out on the floor is love, then no wonder

we find ourselves as we are at this very moment.



Oh, no. I heard genuine care in your

voice. Can't be denied, can it, Ted?



I think you're right,



and if you just keep this kind

of open dialogue going,



I think you'll go a long way

to resolving this misunderstanding.



You'd be surprised what happens

if people just listen...



without succumbing

to all that pain and anger.



You heard shit, monkey boy. Easy for you

to say after you fuck another man's wife.



You should at least have

the guts to stand behind...



your convictions.



She's lying, Sigfried.

I swear to God.



You know, when I think

of all the times you were inside me...



promising me a better life,

it makes me wanna puke.



Why are you doing this to me?



What have I ever done

to you people?



What didn't you do,

stick man?



Unfortunately, you don't have the balls

to back up the actions of your huge cock.



No, no, no.



He's got a huge cock?



Oh, no, no, no, no.



Show it to me.

It's not that big.



Put it this way: God made up for what

he did to Gumby with Teddy here.



Show it to me!



Show him your cock, Theodore.



Please stop talking about his cock!



Well, it's hard to stop talking

about something that's so huge.



I mean, I could go

on and on about his cock,



his bone,



his knob,




his bishop,



wang, thang, rod, hot rod,




Oscar, dong,

dagger, banana,



cucumber, salami,



sausage, kielbasa,




dink, tool, Big Ben, Mr. Happy, peter,



pecker, pee-pee, wee-wee, wiener,

pisser, pistol, joint, hose, horn,



middle leg, third leg,




stick, joystick, dipstick,



one-eyed wonder, Junior, little head,



little guy, Rumple Foreskin,

Tootsie Roll,



love muscle, skin flute,



Roto-Rooter, snake-



Please don't go!



Hammer, rammer, Spammer,



bazooka, rubber, chubby,

sticky, stubby.



Hey, do you know where

room     is, man,



'cause I was up

at this party, and-



I have absolutely no idea!






Schmeck, schmuck,

schvantz, ying-yang, yang-



Whoa! I'm Theodore.





you're right on time, Theodore.



Let's not beleaguer the fact...



that you have

no sense of timing.



The fact is...



you're here.



Front desk.



Bottle of champagne.




Stand still.



I said stand still.

You're gonna ruin your suit.



Come here. Come here.



Gimme that.



Let me see.



There. There, you see?

You see?



Huh? You look good

with your hair back like this.



Like me. Like me.



Not down and to the side,

all stupid...



like your mother

likes to comb it.



No. No.



Like this.




Gimme this.






You've got your mother's hair.

You can't do anything with it.



There. Go. Go.



How did you get your hair

in such a tangled mess, huh?



There. Go. Finished.



Are we gonna

have fun tonight?



I didn't think so.






What about leaving

the kids here?




Here in the room, all by themselves?



No, with the television.






You wanna have fun tonight,

don't you?






Give it to me.

Give it to me.



Give it to me.






You kids are gonna

stay here watching TV.



I want you to be in bed

and asleep before   :  .



Twelve. Your mother and

I will be back later on,






Don't misbehave.



Why did we have to get all dressed up

if we're not going with them?



I don't know.



What are you doing?

I'm escaping.



It stinks in here




What did I say?






Yes, Papa.



The champagne

you ordered, sir.



Too late.

Leave it on ice.



But I want some now.



There'll be plenty for you

at the party, baby.



You can bomb yourself

all you want at the party.



Put it down. Put it down.



All right.



You want     bucks?




How about three?

Three hundred dollars?




Three's fine.



Good. My children are staying

here tonight watching TV.



I want you to check up

on them every    minutes.



Check up on them?

Yeah, make sure they're all right.



Make sure they're fed. Make sure

they go to bed. You know, these things.



Sir, I can send out

for a baby-sitting service.



No. I don't trust baby-sitters.



My children are safer alone...



than with some fucked-up

pedophile baby-sitter...



I don't know from

the man in the fucking moon.



What about him? What makes you think

you can trust him?



Tell me that's not

a face you can trust.



I'd love to help you

with your problem, sir,



but unfortunately

I'm here alone tonight.






One hundred, two hundred,

three hundred.



Here you are.



I thought you said    .

No, I said    .



No, sir. I distinctly

heard you say    .



Are you calling me a liar?

No, sir.



What I'm saying is that you accidentally

forgot that the first thing you said-



But what I last said was    

and what you say last is what counts.



Well, then, if you say     one last time,

we have a deal. You fucking with me, pendejo?



No, sir, but I'm by myself,



and looking after your kids

is a pain in the ass I don't need.



Are you calling my kids

a pain in the ass?



Why, no, sir, not the kids.



It's the situation

that is a pain in the ass.



No, you were right the first time.

They're a pain in the ass.



All right. You win, tough guy.

Five hundred.



You kids

are getting expensive.



What's your name?






If you need anything,

just dial zero and ask for Ted.



And make sure they're in bed

before midnight. Before midnight?



Then should I wake them up

for the countdown to the New Year?






If something happens

to my children...



I wouldn't want to be you.



Don't misbehave.



Let's get out of here.






These are the rules.



Don't break the rules

and I won't break your necks.



I always wanted to say that.



Someone said that to me

when I was a kid.



Only they weren't joking.



The rules are simple:



Don't do anything you wouldn't do

if your parents were here.



If there's an emergency, call me on the

phone like your dad said. Thank you.



That's not what he said.

He said to call you if we need anything.



Well, I have a lot of work to do,

and I can't have you calling me...



every time you want

a glass of water, so please,



try and limit your calls

to emergencies only.



Thank you.

We paid you $   .



We'll call you

if we need anything.



You don't wanna

get my dad mad.



Oh. Well, try and call

only when necessary.



Watch TV, and if you're good,



I'll bring you up

some milk and cookies.



Bye, now.



Your feet stink.



They don't stink.



Check it out! T and A!



Change it. You're not

supposed to watch this.



We're supposed to watch TV.

Not this kind of TV.



Change it.



Leave me alone. Ouch.






Front desk.




What did I tell you?



Don't bother me and you'll get milk and

cookies. Now, do you want them or do you not?



I want you to turn off

the nudie station in our room.



I cannot turn on an adult station without

the express permission of your parents.



No, not turn it on.

Turn it off.



It's already on.




That's not what the machine tells me.



Well, stop listening

to the machine and listen to me.



There's naked ladies dancing on my TV,

and I want 'em off.



Like I said, I'll be up later

to put you both to sleep.






Change the channel now!



Man, you're the one

with the stinking feet.



They don't stink.



Yeah, they do.

No, they don't.



Here, smell for yourself.



Go ahead.



Go ahead.



Get a bottle opener.



Don't shake it.



Front desk.

Ted? Hi, it's me, Sarah.



Who died? No one?

Good. Then don't call me.



I just thought I'd tell you that your

cleaning ladies are doing a bum job.



There's all kinds of leftover stuff

here: needles and things.



We're not supposed

to have needles, are we?



I mean, they don't come

with the room, do they?



Send someone up here

to clean this place up right.



I told you not to shake it!



I gotta go. My dumb brother just

exploded the champagne all over the room.



Oh, and bring us up

a couple of toothbrushes.



There's a card in the bathroom that says you'll

bring us free toothbrushes if we ask for them.



I'm calling a room.

Give me three numbers.



Four... zero... nine.







Hi. You don't know me,

and I don't know you either,



but do you have

any needles?



We have needles here, and I was wondering

if they come with the room or not.



We ain't got

no needles here, kid.




Just a big fuckin' gun.



Just checking.



This is the bull's-eye.

It's worth     points.



This is worth ten points.

This is worth    points.



This is worth-Hey, wait 'til

I get out of the way!



This is how

an expert throws it.



Hello, kiddie-winkies.

I brought your milk and cookies.



You're going to have

to eat them now, because...



you're going to sleep.



We have

to go to sleep now?



Your parents said to put

you to bed before midnight.




Tsk, tsk, tsk.



Maybe this way

you'll leave me alone.



Those aren't

milk and cookies.



Well, we ran out

of cookies,



so I brought you

milk and saltines.



Now, don't complain. Hurry up and eat.

You're going to bed.



They're old.



Dip them in the milk.

The milk will make them soft.



No crackers?



Sleepy time. Now, I don't

want you wandering around,



so if you need

the rest room-



What about our pajamas?



You wanna look nice in case

there's an earthquake, don't you?




Well, then, stay in those clothes.



This is some

Mentholatum ointment.



Now, under the covers and close

your eyes, and I'll tell you a story.



Your dad says he hates baby-sitters,

doesn't trust 'em.



Well, can't say

I blame him, really.



You know what my baby-sitter

did to me when I was a kid?



I used to hate

going to sleep.



You know, when it's late,

you wanna get up, run around, go crazy.



Well, what my baby-sitter

used to do to me...



to make sure I'd stay in bed,

not be tempted to get up,



was she'd take some of

this vapor rub ointment...



and she'd dab a little

on each eyelid...



just to make sure

I'd stay put.




Now you have some too.



Don't open your eyes

or it'll burn, burn, burn.



What about in the morning?

Well, if you keep...



your eyes shut tight all night, it'll wear off

by morning, but don't open them before then.



Did you ever

open your eyes?



Yes, I did,

and look at me now.



We can't.

Exactly. Good.



You'll do fine.



Sleep tight all night...



and I won't tell your parents

about the champagne.



Good night.



Are you watching TV?



Yep. If you wanna watch,

you better go wash your face.




Be careful.



Gimme that!






Hey, what are you doing?



Shut up.



You! Shut up!

Shut up!



Ted! What do you want now,

for Christ sakes? Who died?



I don't know,

but she's in my bed.




There's a dead body in my bed.



Nonsense! That's just

your brother sound asleep!



No! There's a woman's dead body

inside the bed in the mattress.



You saw the body?




Impossible! You've got

the ointment on your eyes.



Ya can't see shit!

Now go to sleep!



Go to sleep!

I washed it off.



The Mentholatum? Yeah. Didn't

you ever think to do that?



Get your ass up here

and call the police,



because there's a dead body in my bed, and

it smells like shit, and it looks even worse.



If you don't help us, my dad is going to

lay you down right next to her,



I swear to fucking God!



I am coming up there

right this minute!



If there is no dead body in that room by

the time I get up there, I'm gonna make one!






Little bitch.



Ah, shit!



Cover it up.

Cover it up.



Thank you.



Jesus Christ! What the fuck

is going on here?



Your parents are

on their way up here.



And I am not taking responsibility

for this mess!



Check under the mattress.

For what?



For the body. Can't you smell it?

It's your feet.



Fucking Christ!

What the fuck is that?



Police! It's an emergency!



Police! Get someone over here

right fucking now.



There's a dead whore stuffed in

the mattress! Don't call her that.



Shut up!

I'm dead fucking serious.



There's a dead fucking whore

stuffed... Stop calling her that!



in the fucking bed!






If your pad is a wax museum



The young and exotic



Following a millionaire



A glass and a shaker



Our host is

a real scene maker



The millionaire's holiday



The millionaire's holiday



The millionaire's holiday



Did they misbehave?









Happy New Year.



Let me speak to Betty. Uh, party's

over. She probably went home.



She lives there!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know her.



Well, then get her on the phone.

Tell her it's an emergency.



Who-Who should

I say is calling?



You tell her it's Teddy

from work on the phone.



I got some major

fucking emergency.



Hi, Ted.

I'm Margaret.



You sound down. Has this not been

the happiest of New Years?



No, Margaret. This hasn't been

my happiest New Year.



This one's starting off

pretty fucking badly.



Aw, how come?

Well, Betty...



leaves me here all by myself,

and first thing right off the bat,



I'm fucked

by a coven of witches.



You were fucked

by an oven full of witches?



A coven of witches!

Not an oven!



Well, one witch

in particular.



Was she an old hag with a mole on

her face with hair growing out of it?



No, no, she was

very beautiful.



Ted? What's the problem?



Well, admittedly, that was

the best part of the evening.



It was pretty

bloody good actually.



But it's still a pretty unnerving way

to start off the night.



Sounds like a pretty great way

to start off the night to me.



Why don't we just skip over the

witches? Skipping the witches.



Right. Later,

in another room,



some crazy fucking maniac

sticks a gun in my face...



and forces me to play out

some psychosexual drama with his wife.



He made you have

psycho sex with his wife?



No, he didn't make me fuck his wife.

He thought I fucked his wife.



He held me at gunpoint with a

loaded gun! What kind of gun was it?



I don't know.

I'm not a gun guy. It was big.



Was it like Dirty Harry's gun?

Yeah, sort of like that, yeah.



Did it have a real long barrel

or a short barrel?



What difference

does it make?



Well, for one thing, it's a difference

between a.    Magnum and a Magnum.    .



Who the fuck cares whether it was a

.   or a.    ? It was a big fucking gun!



It was loaded! And it was pointed

right at my fucking head!



You wanna skip this part too? I want you

to get Betty on the phone right fucking now.



Hold on.

Anybody live here named-



What's her name again?








screaming about?



You're Betty? Yeah, I'm

Betty. It's my fucking place.



Who the fuck are you?

I'm Margaret. And this is Ted.



You guys, wanna go to breakfast?




Let's go to Denny's.




Okay, Ted, what's the problem?

Hello, Betty.



"What's the problem?"

I haven't got a problem.



I've got fucking problems.

Plural. Wanna hear? Sure.



Well, most recently,

there's room    .



There's this scary Mexican gangster

dude pokin' his finger in my chest.



There's his hooligan kids

snapping their fingers at me.



There's a putrid, rotting corpse of a dead

whore stuffed in the springs of the bed.



There's rooms blazing afire.



There's a big fat needle

from God knows where,



stuck in my leg, infecting me

with God knows what.



And finally, there's me, walkin'

out the door right fuckin' now.



Buenas noches.



Is that the penthouse?

Yes, it is.



It's the Chester Rush party.

They want something.



Well, tough titty. They're just gonna

have to whistle, because I'm off.



Now, Ted, wait a minute.

I know you're freaked.



I know you're stressed.

You had a real bad night.



Oh, yes, Betty.

I've had a real bad night.



The only thing I ask is that you take care

of Chester Rush, and then you can leave.



I don't feel like it! Ted, he's a

very important guest of the hotel.



In fact, he's the most

important guest of the hotel.



The Mon Signor used to be

a haven for movie stars.



Through the Thirties, Forties

and first halfof the Fifties,



more movie stars, if you break it down

on a night-by-night basis,



stayed at the Mon Signor than

any other hotel in Hollywood.



Now, we had some hard times

in the Eighties,



even though we were the official

hotel of Cannon Pictures,



but we're comin' back strong

in the Nineties.



And a movie star clientele

is important to that comeback.



Now, you look here-

He probably just wants some champagne.



You can do that, can't you?

Ted. Just take care of him.



The entire staffof

the Mon Signor is begging you.



Okay. But you get your ass

down here pronto!



You're a good man, Ted. Thanks.



Hello, Mr. Rush.

Sorry for the delay.



How can I help you?



Get your skanky asses

the fuck outta here!



Room service.



Hello, Theodore.



What the f-fuck are you doing here?

Havin' a drink.



Is Sigfried here?



Are you kidding? He'll probably

be asleep 'til Christmas.



Hey, everybody.

The bellboy is here.



The bellboy's here!

Oh, my God! Shit!



Happy New Year!

Entra! Entra!



Hey, bellboy!



Mr. Rush,

I'm sorry I'm late.



But I, I think you'll find

I have everything you need.



No problema, el bellboy.

No problema.



His name is Theodore.

Actually, it's not Theodore. It's Ted.



It's Ted, sir.

So, Ted, the bellboy,



would you care for some champagne

as I was saying?



All right, that wasn't

what I was saying.



But would you care for some champagne?

Um, I'm on duty, sir.



Duty, smooty, come on. It's like

Cristal. It's the very best they make.



I didn't like champagne

'tiI I had Cristal. Now I love it.



Come on!

If I must, sir.



Yes. As I was saying, chin-chin.




For our purposes, promptness

is far behind thoroughness.



Drink up, lad.



What do you say?

Ah, thank you, sir.



No, not thank you. What do you say

about the tasty beverage?



Um, oh,

it's very good.



It's fucking good, Ted.

Fucking good!



Let's try it again, shall we?

Got a light?



Okay, so, Ted, what do you think

about that tasty beverage?



It's fucking good!



It's fucking Cristal.

Everything else is piss.




Bellboy. Bellboy!



Shut up. Shut up! Shh! Shut up!

You're makin' my friend Ted nervous.



Chill out, dude.

Pay no attention to Norman here.



He's just-That's from Quadrophenia.

He's just fuckin' with you.



Now me, personally,

when I think of bellboy,



I think of The Bellboy

with Jerry Lewis.



Did you ever see that film, Ted?

Um... no, sir.



Oh, you should. It's one

of Jerry's better movies.



He doesn't say a word

through the entire film.



It's a completely

silent performance.



Now how many actors

can pull that off?



I gotta tell you, that guy,

he's gotta go to France to get respect.



That says it all

about America right there.



Just that one little sentence says

it all about America right there.



The minute Jerry Lewis dies, every

newspaper in this fuckin' country...



is gonna be writin' articles

callin' the man a genius.



It's not right. It's not right

and it's not fuckin' fair!



But why should that surprise anybody?

When the hell has America ever been fair?



We might be right every once in awhile,

but we're very rarely fair.



Oh. Um... where

shall I put this, sir?



You in a hurry there, Ted?



Uh, well, um-

Not particularly.



Good there! Okay, then gotta stop

playin' "Beat the Clock. "



Okay. Let me introduce you to everybody.

Now, see that girl over there?



All right, that's

our friend from downstairs.



We just met her at the pool.

You seem to be acquainted.



Yeah, Theodore and I go

way back, don't we, Theodore?



Actually, the name's Ted, Angela.



I only let people with loaded guns

pointed at my head call me Theodore.



The man sittin' in this chair

with the Jim Beam in his hand,



yellin' "Bellboy" at you

is Norman.



Norman, say hello to Ted.



What's up, Ted?

What's up, sir?



And the sociable son ofa bitch

in that room over there is Leo.



And the person on the other end of

the phone is his lovely wife Ellen.







Say hello to Ted the bellboy.

Hold on a second. What?



Say hello to Ted the bellboy.

Here. Come here.



Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Leo, Leo, Leo, L-Leo, L-Leo!



Leo, that is Ted the bellboy.

That's me.



The bellboy we called

about       minutes ago.



Oh, Ted the bellboy.

Well, my goodness.



Glad you could make it, chum.

Glad I could be here.



Ellen, what does punctuality

have to do with love?



Which brings me to me.

Could you explain that to me, please?



Chester Rush, Ted.

Pleased to meet ya.



I'm pleased to meet you, sir.

Oh, Chester.



Not "sir. "




Chester? Oh, Chester.



Um, terribly sorry I haven't

seen the movie yet, sir, but-



No worries.

No worries at all.



Don't worry.

Don't be sorry about that.



You know, it's just, that's

why God invented video. No problem.



You got a point, sir.

But you know what?



A lot of people did see it. Whole lot

of motherfuckers saw that movie.



Didn't they? Didn't they?

A whole lot-



Lot of motherfuckers

saw The Wacky Detective.



The Wacky Detective, sir.



Who drank out of this bottle last?




I said, "Who drank out

of this bottle last?"



What the fuck's wrong? It's fuckin'

flat, man. That's what's fuckin' wrong.



Goddamn Cristal is fuckin' flat. There ain't a

goddamn bubble left in the fuckin' bottle, man.



Jesus Christ! What the fuck is

goin' on here? Chill out, man.



Who fuckin'- Who-Fuck-

Who didn't put the cork in the bottle?



All right? Somebody!

I didn't do this!



I was drinkin' out of

that other bottle there.



Somebody didn't put the fuckin' cork

in the bottle. Who didn't put it in?



Chester, do you want me to open another bottle of champ

- Who didn't put it in?



Do you want me to open

another bottle of champagne?



No, don't you fuckin'

open another bottle!



I- I-I got enough right here.

Fucking shit, man.



God, we've opened

enough fucking bottles!



Do you know how much this shit

costs? No! You don't. Yes, I do.



No! You don't!

No! You don't!



'Cause it's fucking free, man. It's just

fucking free to you fucking assholes.



Shit. I give and I give

and I give and I give and I give.



What was I talkin' about?



Um, you were saying

that The Wacky Detective...



was a very popular movie.



Yes, it was. And it was popular-

very, very popular-before video.



It was popular before foreign!

It was popular before p-pay TV.



And before free TV.

Before all that shit!



The Wacky Detective was making-

Ellen, I'm sorry, okay?



Leo! Leo. What was the final take

on domestic?



$  . million.



$  . million.

Ellen, I'm sorry.



That's fucking asses

in fucking seats.



You know, it's not your fault.

I mean, they hit you both barrels.



But you know, fuck, you know, I just

would like a little consideration.



And my new one,

The Dog Catcher,



which, by the way, is testing

right through the ceiling,



all right, is projected

to gross a hundred.



The Dog Catcher.

The Dog Catcher, Chester.



Oh, thank you, sir.

That's the good stuff.



Now, take a look at some of

these goodies you brought us, okay?



Um, f-far be it- Far be it

for me, uh, Chester- Uh-huh.



But I was just wondering if you could

tell me, what is all that stuff for?



Hey, one thing at a time, man.

I'm not a frog, and you're not a bunny.



So let's not jump ahead.

Very good, sir.



Norman, Norman, Norman, come on, come on. I

think you might want to look at some of this shit.



Hey, you damn skimpy.

All right, men.



All right, man.

Tell it.



A block of wood.






Three nails.

Why three nails?



That's how many Peter Lorre

asked for. Continue, Ted.



A ball of twine.



Well, that is definitely

a ball of twine. Continue!



A bucket... of ice.



You into it?

I'm into it.



All right.

Go on!



A doughnut.

That's for me.



A club sandwich.

That is mine.



And... a hatchet!



"A hatchet as sharp as the devil

himself," is what I asked for.



Well, sir-Chester-

you be the judge.



No, no, no, no, no.

I'll be the judge.



Careful, sir.

What do you think?



It's a sharp




Forget the nails and the twine. Bring all

this other bullshit over to the bar. Come on.



Let's go. Pronto, man.

You heard him, Ted. Go ahead.



Right you are, sir.

Norman? Yeah?



Yes, it's my job.

Yes, it's my fucking job. You know that.



He wanted to stay out late. I can't-

I went to the Monkey Bar, all right?



Don't yell-I'm not yelling!



Hey! I'm not yellin'!

You're the one that's fuckin' yellin'!



Fuck-Don't hang up on me! Ellen, please don't

hang up on me. Please don't hang up on me.



Goddamn it! I swear to fucking God,

if you hang up on me-



You cock-fucking New York bitch. Fuckin' call

better be genuine, 'cause I'm gonna get a divorce!



Yo, Leo?




Another fucking Honeymooners goin' on

in there. Fuckin', fuckin' shit, man!



What the fuck is wrong-What the fuck

is wrong with the fuckin' bitch, man?



I'm gonna take the fuckin' car. I'm

gonna drive up to fuckin' Mulholland.



I am gonna fuckin' drag her fuckin' ass and

throw her down Benedict fuckin' Canyon, man!



You're still married, man?

Yeah. I don't fucking know anymore.



I swear to Christ, Norman.

I fuckin' swear to God, man.



What the fuck is wrong

- I treat this fuckin' bitch like a queen! You know that, man.



I know that. So I had a little

fuckin' too much to drink!



It's fuckin' New Year's Eve. New Year's

Eve. I can't fuckin' drive home.



Okay, Ellen, I'm sorry.

I'm fuckin' sorry about that.



What do you want me to do? Get in a fuckin'

car, and go run over six or seven fuckin' kids?



That'd be real fuckin' nice.



Man, what the fuck is the matter

with this bitch?






What the fuck

is all this?



Block of wood, bucket

of ice and a hatchet, sir.



Get the fuck outta here.

Chester, talk to me. Norman?



We now return you to

The Man From Rio already in progress.



Oh, my fucking dick

is hard already.



Tell me, Norman,

you're gonna do this shit!



I am gonna do it.

Oh, you are my fuckin' hero.



They better, after talkin' about it

all night. I wanna see a show.



Come here. Give me your motherfuckin'

- All right then.



Well, if that's everything.

I got Cedars lined up, man.



I got a doctor waitin'

in the fuckin' emergency.



Fuck the emergency, man. I'm gonna

grab his motherfucking car from him.



Just in case.

Hey, just in fucking case.



I'll just be off back downstairs, sir.

Not so fast.



Fuckin' treat that bitch like a

queen, man. We're gonna walk back...



to this little bar here.

I told you to dump her, didn't I?



We're gonna sit down, 'cause

we ain't quite through yet.



Leo. Sit on this little red stool.

Sit down on this little red stool,



while I explain the festivities

of the evening to you.



All right.

Um, sir?




A word in your ear, sir.



Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.




I treat that bitch like a queen, man.




That shit don't help,

treating a woman like a queen.



I'm fuckin' working. As long as

you don't break up the furniture,



I don't give a fuck

what you do.



Took all your money. Gonna take your

kids and house. As far as I'm concerned,



go ahead, trash the place!



Oh, but, look, let me explain

what we're talkin' about.



Sir, sir, you don't have

to explain anything to me.



Whatever constitutes a good time, as far as

you guys are concerned, that's your business.



Well, no, it's your business too, Ted,

because we want you to take part.



Take part in what, sir?



Chester, your way of breakin' the news to

him gently is scarin' the fuck outta him.



Think so?

Just spit it out.



Okay, okay, here we go.




Thing is, Ted,

first off,



there's nothing homosexual

about what we want you to do.



I mean, I was thinkin'

you might be thinkin'...



that we want you to do somethin'

like weird sex thing,



you know, like, suck us off,

pee on us, shit like that.



Nothing, nothing could be

further from the truth.



Can I just jump in here for a second?

No. No.



My kind of way of telling him

is kind of going all around the world.



But it's the journey that's worth it.

Yeah, well, I see that.



But he's been here for    minutes and you

have, you know, talked about everything but-



What do you care? Why don't you

just shut the fuck up, bitch?







Uh, excuse me, aren't you the one who's

being paid to suck his cock, cork boy?




Cork boy, man! Business card!



I see a new business card.



Excuse me, if it

please the court.



Allow me to present

our intentions to Theodore.



I second the nomination.

I move that nomination be closed!



Thank you.

The court is yours, Leo.



Thank you very much,




Ted, you ever seen any of them old

Alfred Hitchcock episodes? Yes, sir.



You ever see the one called The Man From

Rio with Peter Lorre and Steve McQueen?




Ah, if you saw it, you'd remember it.



It's called The Man From Rio

with Peter Lorre, Steve McQueen.



Anyway, Peter Lorre makes

a bet with Steve McQueen...



that Steve McQueen can't light his

cigarette lighter ten times in a row.



Now, if Steve McQueen lights his

cigarette lighter ten times in a row,



he wins Peter Lorre's

new car.



But if he does not light his

cigarette lighter ten times in a row,



Peter Lorre gets to chop off

Steve McQueen's little pinky.



Norman and Chester here

just made that same bet.



Norman has bet

his pinky...



that he can light his cigarette lighter

ten times in a row.



If he does,



he wins Chester's

     Chevy Chevelle...



red, fuckin',

beautiful car.



If he doesn't, chop off

his fuckin' pinky. What do you say?



You guys are drunk.




Of course! Of course we're drunk!



Teddy, that's why we're here,

but that does not mean...



that we don't know what the fuck

we're talking about.



I'm gonna tell you what

the fuck I'm talkin' about.



I'm gonna tell you what the fuck

I'm talkin' about.



I drive a motherfucking Honda

that my sister sold me.



You hear what I'm saying? A little

white motherfuckin' Honda Civic!



You see this shit?



"Hollywood's hottest new star-

That's me.



next to America's

hottest old car.



That's the car I own.

Are you listenin' to me? Are you?



Goddamn shit!

Are you listening to me?



Now you take a good long look

at that there machine...



that this motherfucker

over here's standin' next to.



That's a      nigger-red,

ragtop Chevy Chevelle.



And I love that car more than

I love hips, lips or fingertips.



Cut to: We're sittin' here

celebratin', gettin' high,



drinking champagne-

Drinking Cristal.



When you're drinking champagne,

you're drinking champagne.



When you're drinking Cristal,

you say you're drinking Cristal.



Whatever that pissity-ass thing is,

we are drinking it, you know.



And we are watching TV.



What, what? Hey, hey, hey.

When all of a sudden,



we flip on Steve McQueen, Peter

Lorre being fuckin' badasses.







And I look over at this

funny-looking motherfucker over here,



and I say, "I'd do that

for the Chevelle. "



I'm funny.

And that's when Chester says-



"Oh, really?"



Well, you guys wouldn't be doing something this

stupid unless you were really fucking drunk.



We already told you

we were drunk, Ted.



That goes without

motherfucking saying.



'Cause if we wasn't drunk,

we'd probably chicken out.



When you're fucked up,

you don't lie.



Man, you tell

the fuckin' truth.



You want to know what

the fuckin' truth is?



The fuckin' truth is, my

lucky Zippo is gonna win me...



Chester's fucking car.



Which brings us to your part

in this little wager, Ted.



I don't have a part, sir.



That's it. Like my old granddaddy

used to always say,



"The less a man makes

declarative statements,



the less apt he is to look

foolish in retrospect.



That's quite brilliant, sir.

Ah, thank you, thank you, thank you.



Thing is, there are some inherent

obstacles in this undertaking.



Aside from the obvious.



First of which is being the fact that

I'm not like Peter Lorre on that TV show.



I'm not some sick fuck travelin'

the countryside collecting fingers.



All right, you know,

we're all buddies here.



No one wants Norman to lose his finger.

We just want to chop it off.



You know, if fate doesn't

smile on old Norman,



we'll put that fucker on ice,

whisk it right to the hospital,



where in all likelihood they'll be able

to sew it right back on.



Well, hopefully, sir.



Yeah, well, they sewed that guy's dick back

on. They can sew Norman's pinky back on.



Yeah, how hard can it be?

Yeah, good point.



So, Norman, he's,

he's taken care of, you know.



His interests

have been looked after.



My interests,

on the other hand, have not.



I am as emotionally attached to my car

as Norman is physically to his finger.



That's a very fuckin' piece ofexpensive

machinery I'm putting on this wager.



And, you know, if I lose, I lose.

That's fine. That's no problem.



I have no problem with that. I'm a big boy.

I knew exactly what the hell I was doing.



But if I win,

I wanna win. All right?



If Norman lights his cigarette lighter

ten times in a fuckin' row,



he's gonna have no emotional problems

whatsoever about taking my car keys.



But if I win,



well, it's not inconceivable

that at the last minute...



maybe neither Leo or I...



will be able to...

wield the axe.



A hatchet, sir.

Wield the hatchet.



Which brings us

full circle to you, Ted.



Clear-eyed Ted. Sober Ted.



Complete-stranger Ted.



Impartial Ted.




give-a-fuck-about-us Ted.



We want you

to be the dice man.



Hell of a night, huh, Ted?



I've got to get out of here.






Ted, I got a $    bill here

with your name on it,



whether you do

what we ask or not.



Just to sit back down in

that chair for one minute more.



I am not gonna cut off

Norman's little pinky!



Well, maybe you will

and maybe you won't.



But that has nothin' to do

with this $    bill in my hand.



In fact, you can tell us all to go fuck

off and walk right out that goddamn door.



But if you wait    seconds

before you do it,



you're gonna be $    richer.



Ted, you're gonna do

whatever you wanna do.



All we're askin' is that you

indulge us for one minute more.



My friend Chester here is willing

to pay you for that minute.



Ted, take the money.



Now, let me get this straight.



I sit on that stool, listen

to what you have to say for    seconds,



and I get $   ?




And afterwards I can walk out

that door, no hard feelings?



None whatsoever.



You got a deal.




Oh, yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes,!



Ted, good answer.

Sit right down.



All right. Leo,

you be the timekeeper.



Norman, give me

your watch.



Let me know when a minute ends

and when it begins.



You got it.





Gentlemen, start your engines.




Okay, Ted, pay attention here.



I'm gonna make two piles here

on the bar. One pile which is yours.



And another pile

which could be yours.



And what you have to realize

is we're gonna do this thing...



one way or the other.



Whether it's you who holds

the axe or a Mexican maid...



or some bum

we yank off the street.



You can buy a whole lot of soup with

that pile. Shh! I'm the closer here.



All right. I'm a little me-

Um, I've lost count.



How much is on the bar here?

Six hundred.



Okay. Ted, do you know how long it takes

the average American to count to    ?



It's a rhetorical question, Ted.

No, sir.



About one minute less than

it takes to count to    .



Now, Ted, a person's life is filled

with a zillion little experiences.



Some which are insignificant, have no

meaning, and, you know, you forget them.



Others which you remember for

the rest of your natural life.



Now, since what we're proposing

here is so unusual,



so outside the norm,



that this is a good bet that this is going

to be one of those incidents that sticks.



So, since you're gonna be stuck

remembering this for the rest of your life,



you have to decide

what that memory will be.



So, Ted, are you going to

remember for the next    years,



give or take a decade,



that you refused $    

for one second's worth of work?



Or that you made $    

for one second's worth of work?






So, Ted, what's it gonna be?







Always be closing!



Whoo! Right here, right

now! Before I change my mind!



Hear, hear.

Go. Let's go.



Get this shit over and done with.




Perfect, perfect, perfect. This is

one of those moments in time...



none of us are

ever gonna forget.



Norman, are you ready?

I'm ready.



Ted, are you ready?














My finger!

My fuckin' finger!




my fuckin' finger, man!



He cut off my fuckin' finger!



Oh! It hurts!



My fuckin' finger, Chester!

He cut off my fuckin' finger!



Aaah! Oh, Leo!



Call Cedars, man!

Call fuckin' Cedars!



Wrap it up! Wrap it up!



Uh, yes, hi.

Could I talk to Don Levine, please?



Why'd you let me

do this? Why'd you let me do this?



What? What do you mean

he's in surgery?



He was expecting my call.

He was supposed to be there.



What? Who the fuck has plastic surgery

at  :   in the morning on New Year's Eve?



Leo! Leo! I need you to stand

still! I'll be right back! Hold it!



Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!

All right!



Oh! Leo!



I forgot the finger!

I gotta get the-



It's the finger!



I got the finger!

I got it! I got it!



Here! I got the finger

right here! You're on it!



Come on, come on!

The fuckin' door's closin'!



Here. Just put

some fuckin' ice in it.



All right, let's go.

Let's go! Let's go!



Let's go! Come on!

Get up, get up!



I'm gonna go back to my room.

Are you comin' or not?



No, it's been fun. I'll see ya.




Close the fuckin' door!

Special help by SergeiK