Voila! Finally, the French Kiss
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Kevin Kline and Meg
Ryan movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of French Kiss. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Welcome to Air Canada,
nonstop service Toronto to Paris.Our flying time today is an estimated
seven hours, twenty minutes.Check that your seat belt is fastened and
your chair back is in the upright position.We will be taking off shortly.Kate...
Are you prepared
to have a pleasant flight?
Tell me, Kate.
What are you thinking about?
A ball of fire. A naked baby
screaming for his mother.
Kate. What happened
to your little stone cottage?Picture it now.
Oh, my God.
And don't forget your takeoff mantra.What are the words
you chant softly in your head?
We're going down. We're going down...
I love Paris in the springtime
Hello? You know, I really think
you gave me the wrong mantra.
I don't love Paris. I don't like the French
and I don't really wanna go on this trip.
- Kate, you can do this.
- I can't do this.
I don't belong on an airplane.
Let me out! Let me out of here!
I don't wanna die!
Kate, your full refund.
- You can still get the money back.
- Money's not the issue.
I wanted you to come with me to exper...
What? Is that them?
- I don't wanna see my family tonight.
- You never wanna see them.
True. Since we're engaged,
they don't even knock.
They care about you. In my family,
you just get that unsigned birthday card.
Kate, come to Paris with me.
I'll give you mg of Valium and a shot of
Stoli. We'll be there before you know it.
God. How can you not wanna go to Paris?
You're a history teacher.
Charlie, the French. They hate us.
They smoke. They have a relationship to
dairy products which I don't understand.
Something's wrong with the cable.
I can't get the game.
Is the box set on three?
- A week in Paris with the man you love?
- Suture demonstrations.
- Midnight strolls?
- Medicare meetings.
- The Eiffel Tower.
- The Eiffel Tower.
- I'd love to see the Eiffel Tower.
- OK, then.
Charlie. I'm not supposed to leave the
country until my immigration interview.
- I'm taking that.
- No, you're not.
You can make something up.
They'll never know.
Say your cousin Bridget fell in the Seine.
They'll find out I don't have
a cousin Bridget and deport me.
It's like the one time I smoked pot.
I didn't wanna do it in the first place.
I had a horrible time.
Then Ronny Templeton's brother
called the police and we got arrested.
The one time I ever did anything illegal.
They put cheese on both pizzas.
Herb, this is you. You didn't check.
Take it back.
You know Kate hates cheese.
- I'll pick it off.
- Kate, here's the stuff I want from Paris.
- Forget it. Kate's not going to Paris.
- I'm not going.
- Why not? Is it the French thing?
- No. It's the flying thing.
It's not the French or the flying.
I can't leave the country until
my Canadian citizenship comes through.
- Hon, we gotta move it.
- Kate. I almost forgot.
The Merediths have put
their house on the market.
Why are we looking at
a house we can't afford?
There's something I have to tell you.
Since I turned
I've been putting money aside,
every week my adult life,
into a savings account
which I then rolled into high-yield term
deposits with interest rates close to %/.
- What are you talking about?
- I've made us a nest egg.
- How many eggs?
Why didn't you tell me this before?
- I wanted it to be a surprise.
- It's a surprise. It's a big surprise.
So, with a little help from your
parents, we could probably afford this.
My whole life is passing before my eyes
and we don't even have children yet.
Come to Paris with me.
Hi. Right on time.
Saved me from the news.
- Hi, how's it going?
- Good. One conference after another.But this city, it's amazing, Kate.
It's so beautiful, it just casts a spell.- How was dinner?
- They used this sauce.It had a taste I've never experienced!
C'est incroyable.Charlie, the sauces have to be
incroyable to cover up the horse meat.I saw it on Minutes...You keep watching those shows,
you'll never leave the house.I can't talk right now. I'm with some of the
guys at this hip club. I can't hear too well.
we need to talk about the house.
I know. I promise you, tomorrow.
I gotta go, hon. Love you. Bye.
So I talked to the broker and I told her
we are ready to put in an offer
as soon as I talk to Charlie.
You guys are crazy.
I'm never gonna buy a house
or anything else worth anything.
You think you own something like that
and it winds up owning you.
It becomes your entire life, then someone
forgets to put out their cigarette
and it all burns to the ground.
- Honey, hello.
Yeah, it's me, Charlie.
Are you all right? Is something wrong?
No. Yeah. Something's happened.- What? What's wrong?
I'm just so happy.
You know, I'm just so happy
and so... fucked up.
I fucked up, definitely.
But it's destiny, Kate. That's what it is.
- What are you saying? What's destiny?
- Destiny? Yeah. OK.Well, I met this woman.
This apparition, this goddesse.- Goddesse?
- It's French for goddess.And so is she, Kate. She's French.
I've never ever felt this way before.
Like I could do anything. I could rule
the worid, climb the highest mountain.
I could walk into a men's room and pee,
even with some big guy in line behind me.
What? What are you saying?
Charlie... Are you...
I'm not coming back.I'm in love.
Love, like in a sonnet. Or in a movie.
Or like a...
I'm sorry, Kate.
I'm so sorry.
Welcome to Air Canada,
nonstop service to Paris.Our flying time is an estimated
seven hours, twenty minutes.Ensure your seat belt is fastened and that
your chair back is in the upright position.We'll be taking off shortly.
We hope you have a pleasant flight.
I hate Paris in the springtime
I hate Paris in the fall
I hate Paris in the summer when it sizzles
I hate Paris in the winter when it drizzles
I hate Paris
Oh why, oh why do I hate Paris?
Because my love is there...
With his slut girlfriend!
This is my first time flying.
I'm just kinda nervous.
Do you speak any English? Did your
mother ever teach you about staring?
What do you think? The plane is going to
crash and we are all on the ground dead?
I promise you, if it happens,
you won't feel a thing.
You're French, aren't you?
Luc Teyssier. I'm curious. How
have you got around your whole life?
Do you stay in your house
with the doors locked?
I get around as nature intended...
in a car.
What did she say? That sounded serious.
The pilot says there is a crack
in the engine, but he take off anyway.
that the use of cellular phonesand other electronic devices
is forbidden during takeoff.
I don't know what you learnt in France,
but rude and interesting are not the same.
- We hope you enjoy the flight.
- OK.Folks, we're about third in line for takeoff.Just relax. We should be in the air
in just a couple of minutes.
I've almost got the stone cottage going,
so could you please stop looking at me?
- Is incredible.
Your every muscle in your body is tense.
Even the lids of your eyes.
Your nostrils are closing up.
How do you do that?
Me, I love to fly. Especially this moment.
The plane getting ready to charge
the runway. The engines screaming.
The pressure building. The force of it
slams you back in the seat.
And then... you are in the air.
Everything else is behind you.
There's only one other place in life
where I feel this kind of exhilaration.
- Where's that?
- It is...
No. Don't tell me. Just let me guess.
Flight attendants, prepare for takeoff.
Oh, God. I don't think I can do this.
Did you ever think
maybe it is not the airplane?
- What's not the airplane?
- Maybe it is something else you fear?
- What do you mean?
- Do I have to say it?
- Will I be able to stop you?
- It is obvious it is not the plane you fear.
- I know your type.
- What type is that?
- You're afraid to live. Really live.
- Oh, God.
You are afraid of life. You are afraid
of love. You are afraid of sex.
- That is ridiculous.
- I can tell from your face.
The way you dress,
your little white buttons all the way...
- Get away.
- You're the kind of woman in bed...
You wait under the covers,
the light goes off.
- Then, like a rabbit...
- What is the matter with you?
- I know...
You don't know me or anything about me.
- You are afraid.
- And Charlie never complained.
Stop it. There were those couple of
months where I just didn't feel like it.
But that was a long time ago
and I was in-between teaching jobs.
Yes. And for you to sit there
with that smug expressión and tell me...
Look at you. Just some nicotine-saturated
and hygiene-deficient Frenchman.
Look. What a fantastic view.
Now if you will excuse me,
I must go do as nature intended.
Sir, I'm sorry.
There's no smoking on this plane.
OK. Then can I have two glasses with ice?
Excuse me. Can I ask you something?
It's Luke, isn't it?
No, not Luke. Luc.
- You want to ask me something or not?
- No. Forget it.
- I forget already.
- This is the thing.
When you said all that stuff, did you mean
it or were you trying to make me angry?
Do I look like someone who
doesn't know how to have a good time?
You were how old when you lost it?
- It? What it?
- You know. It. Your flower.
My flower is none of your business.
I ask you because some people,
they rush toward the fateful moment,
the body is bursting to discover.
Others, they guard it like some
precious gift, and they wait and wait.
- You, I suppose, rushed?
- Like a bull.
- I have a picture in my mind. Very clear.
- A young bull.
- How young?
No, you are right. I was .
Magda. She was a putain.
She lived just outside of my town.
Just by a little bridge. She was not
beautiful, but she had this mouth...
There was another worid waiting there.
But I did not have the money for
the kissing, only for the... you know.
- I don't understand.
- To kiss a prostitute, it costs more.
That makes sense. A kiss is so intimate.
You could probably disconnect
from everything else, but a kiss...
Two people's lips together,
their breath, a little bit of their soul.
All I mean is that
a kiss is where the romance is.
That is what I thought back then.
So the next day, I stole francs
from my brother Antoine.
I went back and kissed Magda
for half an hour. It was very good.
- Now me what?
- Your turn. I tell you. Now you tell me.
I am all ears.
All right, yeah.
No, I didn't...
I didn't rush. You were right.
But I didn't hide from it either.
I wanted it to be great. I was...
Jeff the jock.
My basement. Valentine's Day.
Jeopardy! in the background.- It's a game show on TV.
- Jeopardy! We have it.
Jeff said it would last longer
with the show on to distract him.
He got all the answers wrong
except for sports.
By Double Jeopardy, he was done. By
Final Jeopardy, he was on his way home.
So. Yeah. The first time was bad.
But since then, it's been good and then I
found somebody special, so it was great.
Can I ask you something?
Do you believe in love,
the kind that lasts for ever?
- I loved my mother.
Everybody loves their mother.
Even people who hate them.
The question is,
one man meant for one woman.
But it is not an interesting question.
It is the question of a little girl
who believes in fairy tales.
No. It's an everyone question.
Everybody thinks they have the answer
until one day... something happens.
One love for you would be like having
to eat home for the rest of your life.
And you probably like to go out to a
different restaurant every chance you get.
- What's that? Are you hiding something?
- I hide nothing.
- Excuse me.
- I'm sorry.
- No. I have to go again.
Why did you let me drink so much?
I did not let you do anything.
You did it yourself.
I will give you a ride into Paris. It will
save you a lot of money, believe me.
After what we have
been through together...
- Where are you staying?
- George V.
"Nothing to declare." That is you.
Me, they always stop.
I'll meet you outside.
One minute, maximum. Go ahead.
Your passport and plane ticket.
Would you open your bag?
Wait for me.
That won't be necessary.
What are you doing here?
Don't you think a cop gets a vacation?
Give him back his papers.
Look, there's Louise.
I need a taxi to the George V, Paris.
- I'll call you Monday. We'll have a drink.
- Why wait till Monday?
I've got something...
Never mind. Let's go.
Papa, why are you looking
through the man's things?
The same reason I look through
your room when you're asleep.
To protect my loved ones
- You won't find anything in there.
- Are you really a thief?
A thief? Me?
- Daddy says you saved his life.
- It's true. You see this little scar?
Luc stopped it from going
all the way over here.
He's no criminal.
That's what I keep telling him.
To the left, Louise!
- Do you speak any English?
- Of course, madam.
This is the George V.
Not some backpacker's hov-el.
Hov-el. Of course not.
Could you tell me which room
Charlie Lytton is staying in, please?
Dr Charles Lytton. He's expecting me.
I'm afraid, non.- Non?
- No, madam.
Perhaps madam could try
the courtesy phone?
Well, madam has tried
the courtesy phone.
Do not disturb.
Look. I just spent seven hours
on an airplane crossing an ocean.
I'm tired and I'm hungry
and I just wanna see my fiancé.
Now, are you gonna help me or not?
Madam, it is my duty as concierge
to safeguard the privacy of our guests.
And if our guests need safeguarding
from their own fiancées, well,
after all, unlike some countries, France
is not a nation of puritanical hypocrites.
I just gave you francs.
And I took it.
And if there is anything else
I can do to help, please let me know.
You are American, no?
- For the moment.
- Well, forgive me for intruding,
but I saw you sitting here
looking a little sad.
"Why should such a beautiful woman
look so sad?" I ask myself.
- Have you got an hour?
- As a matter of fact... always.
Let me help you to forget your sadness.
And remember that you are in Paris,
city of love.
- Can I ask you something?
- Of course.
Can you urinate
with someone standing right behind you?
I think I could manage it.
Are you going to be the someone?
Me? No! That's not what I meant.
So... you would like that I arrange
for someone else to stand next to me?
It could be arranged.
Perhaps Pierre? Monique?
You have the face of an ángel.
I'm delighted to find
the mind is a little devil.
This is gonna get you nowhere.
I am waiting to meet my fiancé.
If he sees you bothering me,
even talking to me,
he's gonna walk over here and he...
What are you doing here?
You only work the metro.
No more. With this suit, I'm a new man.
You said you'd give me a ride.
- You said... Where are we?
- In your hotel. I'll take you to your room.
I don't have a room.
Someone has taken my room.
Someone in four-inch heels, a red dress...
Oh, my God! My bags!
- My bags are gone.
What do you mean, they are gone?
How can they be gone?
What are you looking under there for?
I didn't lose my keys. I lost my suitcase.
Where did you put them down? Think.
I fainted right there.
My money, my passport.
- My vitamins.
- May I be of service?
Yeah, you tell him.
How could you let this happen?
- What is your problem? They're my bags.
- But you could...
I'm upset because it is my country
and this is a scandal.
- Do you remember anything?
- I was sitting here.
That guy came and talked to me
I saw Charlie.
Here we go again. Here, sit.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in.
I'm breathing. All men are bastards.
Not all. Some are just trying to help.
I never thought I'd be the type to say
this, but it's true. All men are bastards.
The guy who was talking to you. He was...
A Eurotrash in Armani kind of bastard.
In a black suit with a yellow shirt?
You know him? Of course you know him.
All you bastards know each other.
All right. You wait here.
I go get a... my car
and we go get your stuff, OK?
- So who is this guy who stole my bags?
- No. Bub.
Bub, like Bub Dylan.
- Now, why are you helping me?
Because I like you. I do.
But I don't like the way that you say on
the plane, with your face scranched up,
"You're French, aren't you?"
I don't like the way you say, with your
eyes all squinty, "All men are bastards."
Please, don't break the car, OK?
OK. So I try to understand.
He tells you he has met this woman...
No, this... goddess.
He breaks your heart. He hu...
Hurts me. Humbles me.
- Humiliates you.
- Humiliates me.
OK, and then you come here to Paris
so that he can do it again,
but this time right in your face.
No. I come to Paris
to get back the man that I love.
Is that so hard to understand,
even for a person like you?
- OK, and meanwhile his lover...
- Don't ever use that word again.
This bastard woman,
she's feeling something else, maybe?
Once he saw me, myself, moi, everything
would change, the spell would be broken.
You don't think
I could change his mind? I could.
I would remind him of our life together.
We had a perfect life.
- I've never been so happy.
When someone says they are happy,
my ass begins to twitch.
We had plans, OK?
We had plans for a home and a family.
- I would remind him of that.
- He was obviously very attached to them.
- If all else failed...
- You'd get down on your knees and beg?
- It's possible.
- Now I can see it.
There is the goddess,
standing next to Charlie, in her negligee.
And you are there on your knees,
Poor Charlie. Tough decisión.
- I didn't beg.
- No. You fainted.
I see how far you'd go
for the love of your life.
If you know so much about women, why
was no one at the airport to greet you?
- Oh, please. I'm finished with women.
- You haven't found the right one?
- I have found plenty of them.
- You're afraid of commitment.
- I'm not afraid of anything.
- I know your problem. No staying power.
- What do you mean?
- You can't stick it out.
- It's obvious.
- It is?
You are afraid of commitment.
OK, sorry. I thought you meant...
- What did you think...
- Nothing. Forget it.
- This problem.
- It's not a problem.
For you, Luc?
Every man goes through that.
I mean, Charlie never did,
but it's usually an issue of self-esteem.
It's just a very recent phenomenon, OK?
I've been under a lot of pressure recently.
Soon, it will all be over.
And then, zip, boom, bonjour!
I am back in business. OK?
- Bob, great to see you.
- Hi, Luc.
You've met my friend Kate?
Where's the rest?
What about my money and my passport?
Forget the passport. He sold it.
First thing to go.
What about my suitcase and my clothes?
Ask him about my vitamins.
I gave them to Monique.
- What? What did he say?
He threw them away.
What? No, thank you.
You got rid of everything?
Except for that...
- You hid a plant in my bag.
- It's not just a plant. It is a vine.
That's why you're helping me.
You don't give a shit about me.
Look, I'm sorry you lost all your stuff
but it was not me who stole it.
What if I had gotten stopped at customs?
Did you ever think of that?
Don't be ridiculous.
People like you they don't stop.
Why do you think I choose you?
Look at you.
You would declare a pack
of chewing gum.
Please, don't ever, ever...
Never touch my vine.
You don't understand. This is my future.
With this vine, I'm going to make a great
vineyard and get out of this shithole.
Donnez-moi un break. You can't make
a vineyard out of one vine.
No, not one vine.
I take this little American vine, mix it with
some others and I make something new.
I don't care.
Why am I listening to you? It's bullshit.
Everything with you is bullshit.
OK, fine. Go home. Find yourself
a nice little boy you can boss around.
But don't let him
out of your sight for long.
How am I supposed to do that?
I have no money, no ticket, no passport.
- Here. Take this.
- No. I don't want your money.
- It is yours. It is what he got for your stuff.
- I don't want your money.
Now go away. Stop following me.
I didn't see any necklace!
It must still be in her bag!
In her bag?
I see that you are a resident of Canada,
and are applying for Canadian citizenship.
- My fiancé is Canadian.
- Let me ask you something.
You no longer want to be an American but
expect me to give you a new passport?
Is this a trick question?
I need to see your Canadian resident visa
before I can process your application.
OK. So, how it works is
I ask you a question and you comment.
You weren't supposed to leave Canada.
Yeah, I know that. I do. But an emergency
situation arose and I needed to...
- What are you writing down?
- Why didn't you request permissión
to leave for your emergency?
Well, I should have. I realise that now.
But an emergency, by definition,
really doesn't give you the time.
You see... the thing is, sir, I wanna be
a Canadian more than anything.
I wanna be just like you.
It's home, so please believe me,
I just wanna go home.
ever been convicted of a felony?
OK. OK, I was at Ronny Templeton's
house and somebody handed me a cig...
OK, I knew it wasn't a cigarette.
It was peer pressure.
Peer pressure is terrible in college.
Sure, I understand. See, the thing is,
we just received this letter from
a Sergeant Patton at the US embassy.
It says here that you were once convicted
for possessión of a narcotic.
Is marijuana really a narcotic?
I mean, it was just the one time,
and I didn't even enjoy it.
I inhaled, but then I was coughing
and I was hacking away for ten minutes.
- I hate that.
- You do?
Look, the point is that you didn't
include this information
in your application for citizenship.
Paragraph five, article one.
This is where I tell you that your request
for a new residence visa has been denied.
Yeah. He proposed to her.
He's such an asshole.I can't believe you won't be
my sister any more.- Do I have to be friends with Juliette?
Lilly, now stop it. All right?
He's not gonna marry her.
Now, tell me everything you know.
They're going to the South of France,
to her parents'.Then they're getting married
and coming to Toronto.We're not even invited. Not that I'd go...
Lilly, now listen, OK?
This is very important. Very important.
You have to tell me exactly
where they're going and when. All right?
Now, just ask Mom, all right?
She has it all written down probably.
OK. Are you still supposed
to be calling her Mom?
- Lilly. Go ask Mom.
Kate? Is that you, sweetheart?
I've got all the information written down.I think you can still get him
at the hotel in Paris.
Oh, my God. She's crying.
It's OK. I'm not crying.
I'm gonna get him back, Mom.
I'm gonna get him back
and I'm gonna make him love me
and we are gonna live happily ever after.
And I'm just crying now in...
Because I know...
I know I will...
I will triumph.
- What do they call the beaches?
- La Côte d'Azur.
- What does that mean?
- The blue coast.
The blue coast, lying there next to you...
- And we're gonna land in Nice.
- Nice? That's nice.
Bob, you know how it works.
If the little fish is to survive, he must tell
the fisherman where the big fish are.
Forget it. I'm no rat.
You're mixing your metaphors.
Who buys the passports?
- Hi, there. C'est moi.
- Welcome back, madam, to the George V.
It's incredible how you do that.
The words come out, "welcome back",
but the meaning is completely different.
Is it a French thing or a concierge thing?
As madam wishes.
You did it again.
Tell me something, because I don't get it.
Do you enjoy being that rude?
Because when you do that,
it just gets underneath my skin
and it makes me... completely insane.
Thank you, madam, for the fascinating
lesson in our cultural differences.
It would not betray
my duty now to inform you
that your fiancé and his friend
are no longer our guests.
Well, whose guests would they be now?
The Cariton Hotel will have that privilege.
They arrive in Cannes tomorrow.
Perhaps madam wishes
to catch the last train tonight?
- I could arrange for a taxi very quickly.
- Yes, thank you.
Bob, I'm losing my patience.
A big fish just returned
from the United States.
Luc Teyssier. Your friend, right?
Ask him about a stolen necklace.
He won't be hard to find. Take a look.
I come to make peace with your people.
So you're still after Charlie?
It is incredible.
I admire your persistence.
It's so American.
I am not an American.
I am a soon-to-be ex-American Canadian.
May I help you with your bag?
No. Maybe not.
You know, I am feeling
some very strange emotions for me.
My self-esteem is rock bottom.
I'm trying to think,
what can I do to say I'm sorry?
You haven't spent seconds with me
when you weren't after something.
- Buy, sell or trade?
- It is so true.
I used you, a lot. You helped me to get
my vine and I left you with nothing.
So now I ask myself, what can I
possibly do to make it up to you?
And so now I am here for you.
So I ask myself what I can possibly do
to make it up to you,
so I buy this ticket, et voilà, here I am...
You promise one thing,
you do something else.
So why should I believe
anything you say?
Because I have no reason to lie now.
Do I look like the kind...
You look like the kind who steals
liquor bottles from airplanes.
The kind who offers a girl a ride, then has
to steal a car in order to give it to her.
- Who puts a plant in a person's bag...
- OK, I get the picture.
Hey. This is a no-smoking compartment.
OK, I stop. Voilà! For you.
See, I'm changing. I'm growing.
- We help each other.
- I don't need your help.
Do you have a plan
for when you see Charlie?
Still no? You are going into a battle
with no strategy, no armour, no bullshit?
- I don't need bullshit to get Charlie back.
- Just a little. It might be handy.
For me, bullshit is like breathing.
I stay. I help you. I promise, OK?
Do what you want.
It's a free country. Isn't it?
Is that Charlie?
- How did you meet?
- At a party.
I'd come to Toronto
on a teaching exchange.
We started talking and I had
this feeling about him. The same for him.
It wasn't exactly a thunderclap
or a lightning bolt. It was more like a...
You honestly never had that feeling
about anybody in your entire life?
If I did, I would not admit it.
His chin looks a little weak, if you ask me.
It doesn't and I didn't.
Why wouldn't you admit it?
Why should I? Look where it has got you.
Maybe if you did, you wouldn't have
that little problem we mustn't talk about.
It's not a problem. It's just a temporary...
There is something in his eyes.
- Vain. It is a word, no?
- It is a word. He has beautiful eyes.
And he knows it.
You can see it in his smile.
Not even a smile. A smirk. It is a word?
Shut up. Is it a word?
Two words, no? Why are you chasing
after him after what he's done to you?
Because I love him. And I'm afraid
that if he doesn't come back, that I'll...
it'll hurt so much that I'll shrivel up
and never be able to love anyone again.
You say that now but...
after a time, you would forget.
First, you would forget his chin
and then his nose
and after a while you would struggle
to remember the exact colour of his eyes.
And one day you wake up and he's gone.
His voice, his smell, his face.
He will have left you.
And then you can begin again.
I can't seem to get enough of this cheese,
and I haven't eaten this stuff in years.
You don't look like you got much sleep.
For some reason,
I just feel incredibly refreshed.
I had this dream
which I can't remember really well.
You know when you have a dream
that is delicious
and you wake up
and you feel all kind of transformed?
God, it's beautiful here.
Did you know there are official
government cheeses in this country?
Don't you think that's incredible?
To come up with ways of classifying
what is basically a bacterial process?
You prefer one cheese, one cheeseburger
and one restaurant to eat it in?
I'm saying I like the cheese.
God! What side of the train
did you wake up on?
God, it's beautiful here.
What's that face?
You don't think it's beautiful here?
You don't think this is beautiful?
- I was born here.
But this is so beautiful and so charming.
It was too beautiful for me. I had to leave.
- I'm gonna die.
- What? What, the cheese?
Don't say it. Stop that rocking.
- Stop the rocking.
- I can't stop it. It is the train.
It's here. The mucus is here.
- The mucus?
- The mucus coating the intestinal wall.
No. Look at the scenery.
How beautiful. The cows...
- Please, not the cows.
- Not the cows?
No, I just ate that cow.
Here it is. Here we go.
I know you.
Listen, gramps, you don't know me.
Leave me alone, OK?
You are feeling better now?
- The cow is all gone?
- When's the next train?
- Not for two more hours.
- I think I need to walk.
- No. Bad idea.
You sit. We wait for the train. You rest.
Luc Teyssier! That's it!
My stomach is so sensitive.
That's where I put all my stress.
Beautiful. Gorgeous. Wish you were here.
- How long since you've been back?
- About six years.
- Six years? Is your family a nightmare?
- I don't really want to talk about it, OK?
A healthy person is someone
who expresses their feelings.
Express, not repress.
In that case, you must be
one of the healthiest people in the worid.
You know what happens to people
who shut everybody out?
- They lead quiet, peaceful lives?
- No. They fester.
Fester? I am festering?
Inside. Fester and rot.
I've seen it happen. You'll become one
of those hunchbacked, lonely old men
sitting in the corner of a crowded cafe,
mumbling to yourself.
My ass is twitching.
You people make my ass twitch.
- Who is that?
- It's my brother.
- Your brother?
- My brother Antoine. Antoine, this is Kate.
What's happening? What's happening?
All of this vineyard is Antoine's.
It has been in our family for three
generations. It is who we are, what we do.
But for Antoine, I don't know...
He is always sober.
- That's a bad thing?
- He makes the wine but never drinks it.
You always drink it. Now...
Why isn't part of this yours?
My father, when he retired,
he left it to Antoine and me.
But now it is all Antoine's.
I don't get it.
You see, to make a great wine,
you must have the soul of a gambler.
You like to drink, and you like to gamble.
Sometimes I would lose a lot.
Sometimes I would lose to Antoine...
My dog, my first car.
- This vineyard.
- This vineyard.
It was one night. He got me very drunk.
You must understand,
I owed him a lot of money.
- But he knew what he was doing.
- What was he doing?
I lost all of it. One hand of poker.
You lost your birthright
in one hand of poker?
I'm an asshole. What can I tell you?
So that's why he hates you
and you hate him.
That, and I...
slept with his wife.
What about your parents
and the rest of your family?
No. There is nothing between us.
It is all over. Finished.
- What if you tried again?
- No. It's not possible.
They hate me. They despise me. They...
Yes, thank you. All right.
I'm very impressed.
She's a friend, just a friend.
Since when are women just your friends?
Since I met her.
Fester, fester, fester.
Rot, rot, rot.
Poor you. You had to grow up here.
Show me your room.
It is a project I did
a long time ago in school.
What is it?
All right, I will tell you but...
First you must take some wine.
Can you describe it, the taste?
It's a nice red wine.
I think you can do better.
A bold wine with a hint of sophistication
and lacking in pretensión.
Actually, I was just talking about myself.
- I don't know.
- No, you are not wrong.
Wine is like people. The vine takes
all the influences in life all around it.
It absorbs them and it gets its personality.
Some kind of mushroom?
Currant, cassis, mint,
They're all in the ground here,
and in the air. Now... taste the wine again.
Close your eyes.
I can taste that right away and...
from the brown bottle... lavender?
And you made this box?
Whose house is that?
No one comes here any more.
The guy who had this place,
he gave up a long time ago.
You see this earth? It has been resting.
Now it's good.
Someday I'm going to buy this land
and I'm going to make a great wine,
right here on this wreck of a vineyard.
So you'd risk everything for this?
Do anything to have it?
Get down on your knees and beg?
What makes you so different from me?
Admit it. Not much.
OK, I admit.
It's beautiful here.
I will help you get your Charlie back.
If you want him back, we'll get him back.
Like I promised.
How do you plan to buy that vineyard?
You must have some plan, some strategy.
- I had a plan, but it did not work out.
- It didn't work out? What was the plan?
I had... something to sell.
Something? Like what?
- Stocks, bonds, a little bag of plutonium?
- It doesn't matter. I lost it.
You lost it? If it was me,
I'd have some kind of backup plan,
something more than
just bullshit to fall back on.
maybe a little bit... like this.
Luc... are you coming?
Lesson number one.
Before going into a war, you must
choose carefully the field of battle.
Also, never let Charlie see
how much you desire him.
Never tell someone that you want them.
You see that? What's that pout?
Juliette did that. I remember it perfectly.
The pout is one of the French
women's greatest weapons.
- What's so great about that?
- It is provocative.
It puts the man in a constant state
of excitement and anxiety.
She knows how to say "yes" when she
means "no", "no" for "yes". Understand?
- You don't?
Now, most important.
When Charlie sees you,
he will be expecting a big scene, a drama.
You will not give him the satisfaction.
This will make him immediately intrigued.
Luc. Look. Look what I found.
It made me think of you.
Monsieur Antoine Teyssier.
How will you be paying, sir?
When would you like
to have the wedding?
- Next weekend.
- Next weekend?
- Is there something wrong, Charlie?
- No. I...
I swear I just saw Kate.
I'm sure it's just your imagination.
Tell me. What does your father do?
Well, he's a doctor... like me.
Except he's a psychiatrist.
- I'll be right back.
- Please, Charlie, sit down.
- My parents are watching.
- I'm sure I just saw Kate.
Come with me now.
You really don't understand
a word I tell you.
How can I help you win back this
ridiculous man if you act like a clown?
It was an accident, OK? I wasn't
expecting to see him right then.
Sucking up to her parents... in that outfit.
And did you see her? Cutting her food
into tiny little chewable pieces like that.
I saw her. She was...
- She was what?
- She was...
OK. I know what you're saying.
I'm not sexy enough.
- No, I did not say anything.
- I'm supposed to be this pouty girl
who says "yes" when she means "no"
and "no" for "yes" and I cannot do it, OK?
Happy - smile. Sad - frown.
Use the corresponding face
for the corresponding emotion.
But you? No, you want
a mysterious, sexy, manipulative...
- It is not me who wants it.
- What do you want?
- I want you... I want you...
- You want me...?
I want you to...
make Charlie suffer.
To be tempted.
I want you to make him
feel like, even though
you are right there in front of him,
he can't have you.
Do you think I still have a chance
with Charlie after what happened earlier?
Yes, of course.
And tomorrow we will turn
your mistake to our advantage.
We will?He will still be wondering,
did he see you?You will be like a ghost, a phantom.And it will infect them, their rapport.Well, when do I confront him?Just when they are starting
to look comfortable again.Then you attack.
- Hi! Hi.
- Can I sit with you guys?
- But of course. Please have a seat.
Pardonnez-moi. Pay no attention to me.
- So... you must be Juliette.
- Yes, I am Juliette.
Let me take a good look at the woman
who stole my Charlie's little heart.
I did not steal anything
that didn't want to be stolen.
She's smart, Charlie. And beautiful,
and probably great at everything.
- Look, Kate...
- Relax. I didn't come here for a fight.
I don't speak much French,
so bear with me. I'd like a sea breeze.
If you're nice, they treat you like shit.
Treat them like shit, they love you.
- Nothing. You just seem so different.
Well... Charlie, I'm going through
some sort of transitional thing.
See, after you called, I decided to get on
a plane to Paris and get you back.
- I hate to fly. In fact, I never fly, right?
But there was no way everything I'd been
building toward would be destroyed
because some pouty little - this is
before I knew you personally - bitch,
wanted to steal a husband.
I bought the ticket, got on the plane
and somehow made it over the ocean.
Then an extraordinary thing happened.
Everything went wrong.
So I was wandering the streets of Paris,
penniless, without a hope in the worid.
And, let me tell you, you can do a lot
of soul-searching in a time like that.
I realised that I've spent
most of my adult life
trying to protect myself
from exactly this situation.
And you can't do it. There's no home safe
enough, no relationship secure enough.
You're setting yourself up
for an even bigger fall
and having an incredibly boring time
in the process. Sorry, Charlie.
And that's when I took up with Luc.
Here he is. Luc. Come on over.
I want you to meet some great people.
Luc, the lovely Juliette.
- What did he just say?
- I don't know.
He doesn't speak much English,
but we seem to manage just fine.
- You do?
I think it's that transitional thing,
you know, to help me get over us.
That's probably what it is but...
what the hell?
I love the sea, so beautiful...
so... full of fish.
What does he do?
Besides what we do together?
I don't think he does anything at all.
That was so great.
Hi, there. You were fantastic. Incredible.
They were completely destroyed.
That was amazing. I just feel released.
you will have dinner with Charlie,
pretending to work out the details
of the breakup.
By tomorrow, I promise you,
you will be queen of the castle again.
We must celebrate.
Some wine, champagne.
- Don't move.
A beautiful day to be in Cannes.
Isn't it, Kate?
I'm sorry. Do we know each other?
No. But we have a mutual acquaintance.
That's why I come talk to you
about a... necklace.
He was silly and he didn't declare it.
Will it be a large penalty
that he'll have to pay?
So why don't you just arrest him?
I'm old-fashioned. I owe him a large debt,
much bigger than the debt of money.
So I ask you to talk to him. It can be
returned to me tomorrow... anonymously.
- He'll never agree.
- He must.
Call me tomorrow.
It really is a beautiful day.
I hope you're able to enjoy it.
This is where I will sell
my necklace tomorrow.
- Your necklace.
- My necklace.
It was my grandmother's necklace.
She lived in San Francisco.
When she died, she left it to me.
OK, sure. Why not?
- What if I sell the necklace?
- You? What do you mean? Why?
Why? Because I am me, and you are you.
- I mean, if I go into Cartier...
- All dressed up, looking just so.
Smiling your little smile,
walking your little walk.
That would be better. Thank you.
- What do you mean, my little walk?
- Just the way you walk, you know?
- Like a woman, but also like a little girl.
- No, it's not.
You want something to drink?
OK. Great. I'll be out in a second.
I bought it at the store downstairs.
You look wonderful. Was it expensive?
- You charged it to the room?
Good. No problem.
I only wish my brother could see you.
It only needs one thing.
- You will wear this tonight.
- I don't think that's such a good idea.
I insist. It will be your charm...
Your good luck charm.
Who is the goddess now?
Now! We practise.
I will be Charlie.
I'll be Kate.
So we are dancing.
I realise how much I need you.
I am thinking, I am an idiot,
a fool, a chinless, mindless...
OK. OK, I get the idea.
We are dancing.
It feels... so right.
Now, what do you say to me?
I don't know any more.
I don't know when to stop pretending.
I mean, when do I tell him that...
That you love only him
and still you want him.
You will know the moment.
You will tell him, and that will be that.
You know what I am going to do for you
to ensure victory?
She will be feeling a little sad tonight,
a little angry.
A little vulnerable.
I will find her and I will... comfort her.
I wouldn't want you to do
anything too unpleasant.
- I do it for you.
- Well, what about your little...?
My little problem
will not be such a problem tonight.
Suddenly, I'm feeling like you - relaxed.
I will go to her.
I will find her and talk to her...
Let's just dance.
I keep the bonsai.
The lamp we got in New York is yours.
The love seat in the living room...
Tell me if you think this is crazy.
We get a chain saw, right down
the middle and make two chairs.
Can we not talk about this?
It's so depressing, isn't it?
It's business, Charlie.
This is the business of breaking up.
If you can't handle it, I could have
a yard sale and send you half the cash.
- You must hate me.
- I don't. The CDs will be tough, though.
- Why don't you just let me have them?
- You don't hate me?
No. I did, Charlie. I really did, but...
- Sweetie, are you crying?
No, no. I...
You know, I just feel so totally,
Listen, don't feel guilty
because I'll start feeling guilty
that I made you feel guilty and...
Actually, that was the old me.
Just feel guilty. Swim in it
till your fingers get all pruny.
You're amazing. You really are.
Will you dance with me? Just...
One last dance?
You're right about his chin.
Sometimes I want to hit it.
- He's a waste of your time.
- No, he's wonderful.
Not like a French man.
- You know what I mean?
- Yes, I understand.
How could he do this to me?
When I was younger,
this wouldn't have happened.
He would be with me in my room
and she would wait all night.
I can imagine.
Look at me, please.
Tell me what you see.
You seem so different... but the same.
And it's like somebody
turned a light on inside you.
Why wasn't it me?
- Is something wrong?
- No, in fact, everything is fine.
Please forgive me. Please forgive me.
I must have been insane.
What did you just say?
I said Kate.
- Oh, Kate.
Charlie, I said... stop.
Why wasn't it you who turned on the big
Kate light that burns so bright now
that you can't resist dumping
your new girlfriend for your old one?
hours ago, all you wanted was Juliette.
Juliette? I... She's wonderful.
When I met her, I wasn't thinking.
Sometimes you just do things.
You don't think about them.
You just need to do them,
do what you're feeling.
Maybe I was just... I was afraid.
Afraid of where we were headed.
I was afraid of getting married.
You weren't afraid of
getting married to her.
You know, no matter what
I might seem like tonight,
it's still the same old me from yesterday
you'd wind up with tomorrow.
The same old me
who wants the home and the family,
who wants to plant some roots
and see them grow.
Do you want to be a farmer?
There's just one thing
I don't want any more.
I'm sorry, Charlie.
Yeah, it's open.
So how did it go? What happened?
Well, he wants to come back.
What about you?
The old bull back in business?
We better get going. Cartier is waiting.
Everything as you said. The egg?
It was wired from your bank in Toronto,
and Cartier has agreed
to issue the cheque in exchange.
The illusión is complete.
Why are you doing this?
You're not with Luc.
You will probably never see him again.
I don't know.
I must come to Canada some day.
You are very sympathetic people.
Well, I'm not really a Canadian.
In fact, I'm... currently without country.
Just out of curiosity,
what is it worth?
I would say... over $ .
This is not possible.
Why did I listen to you
and your little walk and...
- He said there was a flaw.
- A flaw?
- Some flaws.
- Some flaws?
He said they were beautiful diamonds
but, officially, there are flaws. Sorry.
- It's OK.
- It's OK?
It is not as much as I was hoping,
but it is enough to buy the land
and to start the planting.
It will take longer, maybe six years,
before we have a decent bottle but...
Thank you very much.
You're my ángel of luck.
Who would have thought it?
I have to go... cos Charlie's waiting.
You know I love you!
Listen, I had dinner with her...
Why don't you go back to her?
You went up to the room like a...
Ah, love. It's wonderful.
What are you doing here?
Some guy paid his hotel bill
with a stolen credit card.
I've taken care of it.
That's not true love.
What do you know?
Would you like to hear a true love story?
I know a good one.
- Really? Does it have a happy ending?
- I don't know.
Maybe you can help with the ending.
Imagine... an airplane.
You are not afraid to fly any more?
You are thinking of
your little stone cottage?
It's on a hillside
next to a beautiful vineyard.
- But that's not what I'm thinking about.
- What are you thinking about?
And I am thinking...
you should not be flying anywhere.
- I shouldn't?
- In fact, I am sure of it.
- You are?
- I am thinking...
I want you...
You want me...?
That's all. I want you.
- Sing that song.
- What song?The Bobby Darin song.- It's not Bobby Darin.
- Yeah, the Bobby Darin song.- It's Charles Trenet.
- No. Somewhere beyond...No. "La Mer". It is "La Mer".- Maybe your guy covered it for Bobby.
- No. It is a French song.Luc, could you just sing the song?