Full Frontal Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Full Frontal script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Steven Soderbergh movie with Julia Roberts and David Duchovny.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Full Frontal. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Full Frontal Script



          CALVIN: Gus Delario-- the invisible man is Gus.

          He's one of those guys...

          who you feel like you know them really well...

          but when you think about it...

          you don't really know them at all, you know what I mean?

          And, you know, obviously...

          you look at his track record of all the movies he's done--

          He's been very successful. Almost every actor in town...

           wants to work in, you know, one of Gus's movies.

            FRANCESCA: I've done some mean things in my life.

            Yeah. And sometimes, the--ahem, ahem--

            the worst part is is that sometimes...

            it doesn't bother me.

            I just say, well, yeah, this is mean.

            I wanted to be mean, and I was mean.


            LEE: Well, I have to be somewhat judgmental...

            because of what I do, you know...

            so I don 't think that it's such a bad thing...

            to be judgmental.

            I think that's how you get through life.

            You have to assess things...

            and people do it about you all the time...

            and that's life, and it's too bad.

            CARL: I think there is no amount of money...

            I could have been paid--

            there is no deal that I could have made...

            that she would not have felt that I had been too passive...

            and that--I think that...

            her opinion of me on that level...

            was formed before the movie was ever sold.

            I think it has nothing to do with the movie, frankly.

            ARTHUR: It's frightening. It's monstrous.

            It's evil to not have feelings.

            So I spoke to Carl about it, and we discussed it...

            and we went immediately...

            to the most monstrous character...

            we could think of in history--

            you know, Hitler himself.

            LINDA: Yeah, they're always trying to set me up...

            Lee and Carl. They--

            Well, they never have introduced me to anyone...

            but they always talk about how I should be dating.

            But they're trying to set me up now...

            with this producer friend of theirs--a guy named Gus.

            Uh... we'll see. I don 't think...

            a film producer's going to go for me, but I don 't know.

            -Catherine? -Nicholas,


            -How are you? -I'm good, How are you?

            Excellent, Thank you, Thank you for having me,

            -Sure, -Mind if we get started?

            So, I play his partner,

            An equal partner?

            No, I'm his flunky,

            if that's what you want to hear,

            Is that what you want to write?

            Is that what you want me to write?

            No, No, you can write "sidekick,"

            That's fine,

            See, the thing is, I've done a lot of TV,

            He's an established star,

            He's an established star,

            I figure it doesn't make me any less talented,

            So, no,

            So, no,

            Look, if I'm going to make the leap to the big screen,

            I expect to work for it,

            Don't that make sense?

            Don't you think most black actors,

            expect to have to work to make that leap?

            It doesn't seem to happen as often with white actors,

            -Jesus, -Don't you find that the case?

            A couple of movies,

                 million dollar paychecks, magazine covers,

            OK, is this the kind of story you want to write?

            We can go there,

            Trust me, I've got plenty of opinions on the subject,


            LEE: Carl, I've reached the point...

            where I can't continue in this marriage.

            I'm writing because I can't take any more...

            emotional confrontations about it.

            I'm out of ideas, and I want to make a change.

            When I get home tonight, we can discuss...

            the practical issues of how to separate.

            Please don 't call me. I'm sorry.

              "Fifth robbery in two weeks at a pornographic bookstore,"

              CARL: Oh.

              LEE: They say it's a woman.


              Did you have bad dreams last night?

              LEE: No.

              Well, I did,

              Well, I had a weird dream,

              I dreamt that my job,

              was that every day I would go into work,

              and narrate a documentary about some guy's life,

              and go home from work and have dinner,

              and go to bed and go back to work in the morning,

              It's like I have no effect on anyone,

              So, what's on for today?

              More bloodshed,

              God. How do you stand it?

              Hey, listen, don't forget to make the brownies,

              for Gus tonight, OK?



              ARTHUR: Nobody I know...

              is in any kind of long-term relationship...

              with anybody they've met on the internet...

              but the short-term stuff have been pretty exciting.

              I don't know what I'm gonna do when I meet her.

              She thinks I'm twenty-two years old, and I'm not.

              I'm not a painter, although I'd like to paint.

              So, it could be anything.

              I mean, the imagination could take you anywhere.

              I find that really, really exciting.

              And it's one of those places where I can lie.

              LINDA: I'm happy with meeting men on the computer...

              on the internet, in the chat rooms.

              And, you know, people disappoint...

              and these people don 't so much, so...

              I really connected with somebody.

              So--and he's a painter...

              and, you know, gosh...

              five years from now, I'd like to be living there with him.

              I've told him I'm a massage therapist...

              and I didn 't lie.


              I lied a little about my age--

              just a little-- because he's so young.

              So, I just knocked a few years off of that.

              CAL VIN: She said, "No, baby, you're bored...

              "but why are you taking that out on us?"

              It was that kind of thing,

              It just--you know, everything clicked,

              for me,

              Oh, Sorry,

              You transcribe those yourself?

              Someone at work,

              -Like an intern? -Mm-hmm,

              Male or female?

              What do you think?


              Yeah, So, which is it?

              And don't tell me you're not gonna say,


              -Ah, -Mm-hmm,

              Do you want to know if he's straight?

              Oh, no, I know he's straight,

              Oh, shit,

              Yeah, I'm coming, I'm coming,

              Wait, Wait, I--

              Django, go, go, go, go, go,

              Hey, Frank!

              CARL: I'll tell you-- I'll tell you what it's like.

              OK, you know, I work at this magazine.

              This magazine is great. It's very good.

              It has very high standards, I think.

              I think they can do really good work.

              But I think the guy who runs the thing...

              is just not very smart.

              I mean, you know, this is between us...

              but I just don 't think he's very smart.

              I think his instincts are all wrong...

              and I think he's, you know, the big butt.

              LEE: Yeah, you know, I've lost my temper in traffic.

              I have. I've lost my temper.

              I wouldn't call it road rage...

              but I have gotten pissed driving...

              because people, you know...

              they drive cars that are ridiculous--

              you know, wrong for them.

              I don 't really like my job.

              I've thought about doing something else.

              I like the money.

              I don't even like that that much.

              I could get a betterjob.

              LINDA: Lee is ambitious and smart and beautiful...

              and she always has been all of those things...

              and she's always done really well, you know?

              So, maybe she is completely in control.

              -Hey, -Hey,

              -Coffee, -Herr director,

              -How are you? -What's up, man?

              Rehearsing something for ten days sucks,

              And I know how tough it's been,

              Oh, no, no, no. Listen, listen...

              I think I know where you're going, man.

              First of all,

              First of all,

              I know I've been all over the map,

              and that's my process, and I've kind of been crazy,

              Listen, I really feel bad about what I said,

              to your friend, I know he's Jewish,

              and I went way too far with that whole oven thing,

              But believe me,

              But believe me,

              some of my anger management stuff last night,

              and I really feel like I had another breakthrough,

              That's great. That's great.

              But I just--oh, I felt so bad,

              You know what,

              You know what,

              You are our Hitler, Don't you ever forget that, OK?

              That means a lot,

              That means a lot,

              your and Carl's vision-- I mean, you wrote this,

              But, yeah, it's funny, I was talking to Tom Sizemore,

              and he was saying the only way to learn how to act is to act,

              -Right, Yes, -And I know you're concerned,

              because I haven't really memorized anything,

              and I've been all over the place,

              but believe me, on the day-- well, you know, tonight--

              yeah, I really think it's gonna be salty,

              You're gonna be OK.

              I just want to make sure you're all right,

              -I'm good, -OK, All right,

              -See you later, -Oh, hey, Um,

              I don't take cream,

              I don't take cream,

              -Sure, -Thanks, pal,

              All right.

              " Bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do?"

              " What you gonna do when they come for you?"

              LINDA: Well, no, not married.

              This guy that I was seeing...

              This guy Tom that I was seeing last year at this time...

              said when he broke up with me, he said he was...

              getting back together with an ex-girlfriend...

              but I don 't know if that's true or not.

              I heard he's-- I heard it's not true.

              But that's what he said at the time.

              -Hey! -Hey, how are you?

              -I'm OK, how are you? -Good, good,

              It's funny,

              Yeah, what are the odds, right?

              Well, uh, have a good day, See you,

              LINDA: I like Carl.

              Uh, have you ever been in therapy?


              No, I don't even get that,

              I don't even get that, It's like,

              they're just selling you back to yourself,

              What is that?

              Hmm, I never thought of it that way,

              -Mm-hmm, -Um,

              your appetite is certainly worth noting,

              -I'm hungry, -Mm-hmm,

              Oh, don't tell me

              Oh, don't tell me

              -You don't eat? -Oh, no, I eat,

              I just don't eat airplane food,

              Why not? It's first class,

              They cook the shit on the premises,

              What's the problem?

              I'll wait for the cookies,

              Man, how corrupt was your father?

              And milk,

              Did he kill people?

              He killed their spirits,

              Did he threaten their identities?

              Something like that,

              So, what about you?

              He, um,

              No, no, that's all right, Sorry,

              -No, -OK,

              No, he didn't,

              No, he didn't,

              -"Adored"? -Mm-hmm,


              I don't think I've ever been adored,

              CARL: You can get paid to have sex by a company--

              CARL: You can get paid to have sex by a company--

              I mean, acting in an adult film--

              but if some guy pays you five hundred bucks...

              to have sex with him, that's illegal.

              So, you're in porn.

              Why are you in porn? Two reasons.

              Either you need the money, or you're an exhibitionist.

              WOMAN: What do you think is exhibitionism?

              CARL: Porn.

              What--well, no, OK. That's a good question.

              I think it goes way beyond just wanting to perform.

              You can't pretend that you're having sex with someone...

              when you are actually having sex with them.

              Well, I think

              Well, I think

              that they're enjoying themselves,

              Or maybe they want you to enjoy yourselves,

              Why would you want to think about it so much?

              It's been made to turn you on, It's nothing deeper than that,

              Yes, I do,

              Sorry, I thought you said this didn't bother you,

              Carl, I can't have

              Carl, I can't have

              You can't?

              I've met someone,

              -Oh, -It's not appropriate anymore,

              -Oh, I understand,

              -Oh, I understand,

              Don't be--sorry? Hey, you are showing absolute respect,

              by being honest with me and not being weird or, you know,

              protracted about it, Thank you,

              I just--hey, I like to know where I stand,



              Are you all right?


              Yeah, I was just thinking of the rest of my day,

              Jerry wants to meet with me,

              -Really? -Yes,

              He's never liked me,

              He's never liked me,

              Just--nothing I can do about that, I just, uh--

              I'm sure you'll do just fine.

              LEE: You are aware of the recent layoffs, correct?

              MAN: Well, yes.

              LEE: We're making some changes, rearranging our priorities...

              getting things straight, that sort of thing.

              Mmm, Are you a smoker, Brian?

              I participate when it's available,

              -Are you a smoker? -No, but I smoke,

              Have you ever been caught driving under the influence?

              Under the influence of what?

              "DUl"-- you're familiar with the term,


              -Correct? -Yeah,

              No, I mean,

              No, I mean,

              Do you vote democrat or republican?

              Neither, Either, I--I vote for the best person,

              -And how do you judge that? -Uh,

              -Do you know in an instant? -Yes,



              Oh, come on, kitten--

              Oh, come on, kitten--

              You know,

              You know,

              Nothing's changed,

              since the last time we had this discussion,

              No, I'm just-- I'm too committed to my work,

              to sustain a serious relationship right now,

              You know, I bring work home with me, I'm distracted,

              I'm taking a swim in Lake Me, you know?

              And, you--hey, you deserve better, believe you me,

              I would only cause you pain,

              Remember how I let you twirl my key chain?

              Nice, right? Hugging, kissing, all nice,

              Now, go on, sweetie, Go on, split, Come on, come on,

              I'll call you,

              If the phone doesn't ring, it's probably me,

              Oh, man,

              Fucking Goebbels-- he thinks it's a toy,

              "Gone to get haircut,"

              What an asshole,

              LINDA: I don't know why, I just started that.

              I don't--I just don't want them knowing me, you know?

              I don't want them knowing me.

              I give--I give the name "Ann" all the time...

              because it seems like Ann is--


              And it's less invasive.

              It's less-- or more anonymous, you know?

              More invisible. If they know me as Ann...

              they don't know who really is in the room with them.

              And for some reason, that feels good to me.

              CAL VIN:"Nicholas. I will begin simply.

              "I love you,

              "Have always loved you,

              "and will always love you,

              "Ever since the moment I met you,

              "the love I feel for you is overwhelming,

              "When we are apart, you are all I think about,

              "and can't wait until,

              "we are just even in the same room again,

              "Until then,"

              I've been away a lot,


              -Hi, -Hi,

              -Hey, Mike? -Yes?

              -Can I ask you a question? -Yes,

              -It's kind of personal, -Shoot,

              Is that your real hair?


              Hmm, I'm thinking of getting some more,

              Don't do that.

              -Why not? -You'll have doll head,

              I don't care, I want more hair,

              Low-level, free-floating anxiety about it, you know?

              I have anxiety about it,

              I see homeless guys with a full head of hair,

              and I think,"What the fuck?"

              You know, Kirk Douglas, what the fuck--

              Does Lee mind?

              Uh, she says no,

              Well, that's a lie,

              She doesn't say anything, and I assume that's a no,

              We sit in the same room,

              We sit in the same room,

              but, uh,

              -"And," -What?

              Try changing your "but"s to "and"s, See what happens,

              We live in the same house,

              We live in the same house,

              Now you got it,

              Yes, I would say that,

              -How often? -Um,

              Once a week, once a month,

              Once a week, once a month,

              -This is kind of-- -I'll come back to that,


              Do you believe in him?

              Well, you know, not like a bearded guy--

              It's a yes or no question, David,

              Yes, then,

              Listen, I'm sorry, I just thought--

              I'm going to be straight with you, David, OK?


              In three years, you haven't impressed,

              a single person at this agency,

              You'll be notified officially through the mail,

              -I'll watch for it, -OK,

              Do you have a girlfriend?

              -What? -Are you involved?

              Are you--are you-- What--what are you doing?

              Put that chair against the door.

              -Ms, Bright? -Yeah,

              Is this a joke? 'Cause I'm a good sport.

              This is a test of skill of sorts,

              I like you, David, I'll tell you that right now,

              -OK, -OK?


              On one leg--balanced,

              You--you are a piece of work, do you know that?

              -OK, -Good!

              -All righty, -OK,

              Now, name all the countries in Africa.

              -Oh! -One minute,

              LINDA: There's this guy I met on the internet.

              LINDA: There's this guy I met on the internet.

              WOMAN: Ooh, are we doing this now?

              LINDA: Mm-hmm. He wants me to meet him in Tucson...

              for the weekend. He's a kid.

              -In Tucson? -Mmm.

              -You have to try these. -Do they have sugar?

              -No, sugar free. Why Tucson? -Mmm. He lives near there.

              WOMAN: Does he live in the desert?

              LINDA: But we're staying at a Holiday Inn.

              -Uhh. -I'm intrigued.

              -In Tucson? -These are good,

              I know, They're sweetened with fruit juice,

              I could eat this whole damn tray,

              I bought new underwear,

              -Have you seen a photo? -No,

              That Holiday Inn part-- that's kind of a little sad,

              -Why is that sad? -Because, Tucson?

              -So what? He knows a good one, -All right,

              Seems like you put a lot of thought into this,

              -Planned--we both have, -Mm-hmm,

              -Kind of like a wedding? -Sort of,

              OK, I think that was good, but I really, really think,

              you guys shouldn't make eye contact,

              Hold on, hold on,

              That whole thing of you guys being an extension of me--

              Hold on, Stop giving them directions,

              One second, Just let me work this out, OK?

              One second, You know when we do,

              that first scene where I'm exercising,

              you guys gotta have athletic supporters,

              You know what, stop. Stop.

              Hey, guess who the world doesn't revolve around?

              You. OK? I'm trying--

              Maybe you want to come out here and look at it,

              Give me the jacket--

              Can I talk to you for a second?

              I'm fucking giving my all here,

              I know, I know,

              I'm giving my all, and I'm really fucking worried, OK?

              Because last week you tell me,

              you want me to play it like Danny Kaye, right?

              This morning, you come in, and you say,

              "Hey, why don't you play it like Alan Alda,"

              What am I, fucking Danny Alda?

              OK, I think

              OK, I think

              You've been on the fucking laptop,

              like a little crack monkey, logging onto Expedia,

              for this fucking chick in Tucson?

              Let me tell you something, man, This is art,

              I dumped my girlfriend the day we started rehearsals,

              You're not here, man,

              You're not here, man,

              I am here, I am here,

              You're not, OK?

              You're not, OK?

              whether you and Carl know what the fuck you're talking about,

              Because let me tell you something,

              Peter Ustinov said,

              Peter Ustinov said,

              "but it's more difficult to write a bad play,

              "than to give a bad performance,"

              You know what? You know what?

              What a great fucking idea, watching me squirm,

              What are you talking about?

              -Catherine, -What are you talking about?

              -The letter, -What letter?

              Uh, the letter,

              -May I? -Oh, yeah,

              You're acting crazy,


              Wow, Well,

              Pretty extraordinary,


              This is a prank, right?

              I mean, that's cool,

              I mean, that's cool,

              I don't think it's a prank, no,

              You didn't write this?

              Is it your fantasy that I wrote it?

              Oh, don't, Don't do that,

              I don't know what to tell you,

              OK, here's the deal,

              This right here, you can't write about,

              -I can't? -No, you cannot, It's not fair,

              You know, they really do have ovens back there,

              I am onto you, girl,

              Well, I think I'm onto you, all right?

              Look at me,

              -Look at me, -Oh, my,

              Come on,

              Come on,

              It's OK,


              Ahem, I'm just not gonna play this game with you anymore,

              I ain't even thinking about you, Look,

              You missed a piece,

              CARL: So, Tracy-- is that your given name?

              -Yes, -Mm-hmm,

              And what's your porn name?


              Do you know about porn names?

              -No, -OK,

              Your porn name is your middle name...

              and the name of the first street you grew up on.


              So, like, my porn name is Andrew Highland.

              It's terrible. It's not very sexy.

              So, you're Tracy...

              I don't have a middle name,

              Oh, well, you can--

              Yeah, well, you can also use the name of your first pet.

              We weren't allowed to have pets,

              Ivory Coast, Senegal, Sierra Leone,

              LEE: Mm-hmm. Good.

              Ghana, Mali,

              Have you ever--been tested lately for the H, I, V, virus?

              No, Yes, Morocco, Mozambique, Angola,

              Good, My goodness,

              -Cameroon, -Stay there,

              -Congo, -God, you are good,

              Gabon, Angola,

              -Go east, -Kenya, Somalia Republic,

              -Jesus, -Ethiopia,

              Time, You are very impressive,

              I don't think you're allowed to do this,

              Of course I am.

              Get down from there.

              LEE: Just meet me in the lobby, please.

              You'll have a great time. I know you'll love Gus.

              I can't go to a party like that, I have nothing to wear,

              LEE: Wear the green dress. You look great in it.

              It's too tight, It doesn't fit me anymore,

              and it has a stain that's--

              LEE: You always have an excuse.

              It's not an excuse, Lee, that's a reason,

              There's a difference,

              Look, are we still

              Look, are we still

              Because I have a birthday present for you,

              LEE: It's tomorrow.

              You know what? I know when your birthday is, OK?

              I'm not here tomorrow,

              LEE: Hey, Linda...


              LEE: You're breaking up. Call me back.

              Hello? Listen, if you can hear me, call me back,

              LEE: Call me back.


              LINDA: Yeah, I think about him a lot.

              You know? It's hard. I found him in the basement.

              And then I found Lee...

              who was outside, I think, or somewhere else in the house.

              I mean, I remember screaming...

              and then I remember her appearing.

              Uh, and then, you know, no one else was home...

              so she ran to a neighbor's...

              and, uh, I stayed with him.

              And then neighbors came, and...

              and then my mom was home.

              They found my mom, and so...

              LEE: It's pretty surprising...

              when you see somebody you know...

              like your dad, you know, in that state, you know?

              So, it was surprising...

              but I think that, you know, in retrospect, he...

              He was pretty unhappy...

              most of the time.

              My friend Gus says that people-- the straight world--

              will always be fascinated by gangster sagas,

              because, here are these guys,

              they say, "We're not going to live,

              "by some unspoken rule,

              "that we don't take you to the cleaners,

              "when you're not looking,

              "We don't have any agreement not to take advantage of you,"

              And these people, they're in the minority, fortunately,

              otherwise, there would be chaos,

              But we love watching them, because--because,

              it's a walk on the wild side,

              without any real risk of corruption,

              It's two-dimensional, you know?

              And it's always going to be compelling,

              Uh, you know, sometimes, we can't look away,

              But--and we should,

              -Hey, Carl, how you doing, pal? -Good to see you,

              -You look great, -Thanks, Uh,

              you know, that's amazing that you called today,

              because I--ahem-- I needed to see you,

              I have an idea, I have an idea, I think it's a cover,

              You got slobber all up on your,


              What time is it?

              Oh, I feel--I feel nauseous,

              Are you ready to talk about this?

              Ohh, Nicholas,

              look, I think

              look, I think

              and I'll probably write a very nice piece about you,

              but you're really annoying about this whole letter thing,

              No, You're annoying,

              Mm-hmm, OK,

              CARL: You see, I think that is worth discussing. I really do.

              Well, Carl, I'll discuss

              Well, Carl, I'll discuss

              because every time you've come into my office,

              every time I've asked to see you,

              or you've come to see me with an idea,

              about a cover or a feature story,

              or anything you want to do,

              it always has validity, It always has,

              it's important to me to hear your ideas, you know?

              Thank you, thank you.

              Let me ask you a question.

              The reason I called you in today, actually...

              Yeah, Sorry, Ahem,

              I have a question for you...

              and it's kind of important to me to hear the answer,

              And the question is,

              when you go to your refrigerator in your home,

              and you open the door, and you see a bottle of beer,

              do you take that bottle of beer,

              and pour it into a glass and drink it,

              or do you drink it from the bottle?

              Um, I--I-- well, I drink it from a glass.

              Ah, you see?

              Ohh, That's the problem,

              You see, I want this magazine to drink from the bottle,

              In talks? What the fuck, Alex?

              Tch, All right, in talks,

              I need this,

              All right, all right,

              NICHOLAS: I suppose we've come a ways...

              since Sambo, Mr. Bojangles.

              "Step and fetch it, boy."

              "What? Man, call me Mr. Tibbs..."

              we've heard Poitier say.

              It's a new day, some say.

              Because every now and then, black men are even in.

              Motion picture heroes. It's the American way, Wesley.

              Be cute and still save the world.

              Yes, we will, Will.

              Go from Boy in the Hood to Man of Honor.

              Show 'em the money now, Cuba.

              Give 'em funnies like Chris Rock or Tucker,

              Or just cool it, be anybody, like Denzel,

              But wait, He ain't even really getting no loving,

              like Sidney before him and whoever after him,

              Romancin' and dancin' with amore's passion,

              ain't in the script's equation,

              But can even Mr, Washington,

              briefly be seen kissing a Pretty Woman,

              underneath a Pelican Moon?

              Can even he be a romantic lead?

              Check it, From Sambo to Sidney to Denzel to me,

              Brothers ain't getting nor giving no love now,

              I don't want to complain, but my doctor says I'm suffering,

              from underloved syndrome,

              Maybe it is a conspiracy, But do folks still fear,

              the black man's sexuality like that?

              A fear that could be wiped out just by seeing us love,

              not by race, but by heart,

              And can't a brother get some love?

              Now, that, Catherine,

              is a question for the screen pages,

              written by folks who rarely look like me,

              but want to see me run and jump and shoot,

              but don't care to see me kiss a woman with my skin tone,

              and would shoot me if I were kissing a woman of their hue,

              Who are you?

              Who are you? Who are we?

              We are human, too,

              and we love loving, and,

              can't a brother get some love?

              That's the state of being,

              a chocolate leading man in Hollywood today,

              I keep bringing it up,

              I keep bringing it up,

              because I don't want you to think I forgot,

              Look, you just pay me back when you have all of it,

              -I have half now, so--

              -I have half now, so--

              -It just feels awkward, -Please,

              -Hi, -Right this way,

              -Thank you, -Thanks,

              What would you like to start with?

              Some evian or pellegrino?

              -Thank you, -You're welcome,

              You still going on your weekend with that guy from the internet?

              Mm-hmm, No, I haven't cancelled,

              I'm putting myself out there, I'm going,

              Good, You need money for that,

              You want me to meet men,

              You want me to meet men,

              You could meet men there, There'll be plenty,

              I can't come tonight, I can't,

              On the internet? How is that meeting?

              It's encountering,

              What airline are you flying?


              -Southwest? -Yeah,

              That's a good airline,

              Southwest, younger man,

              new underwear, Tucson,

              new underwear, Tucson,

              What is your point?

              Have you ever stayed at a Holiday Inn?

              No, Have you?

              I think that's what's really bothering me.

              You know what, Lee?

              You know what, Lee?

              So if that's what's really bothering you--

              -What does he do? -He's an artist,

              -An actor, -A painter,

              In Tucson?

              Yeah, He says the desert inspires him,

              -Lend me what? -What is wrong with you?

              Seriously, what is wrong with you right now?

              Friday. Fridays are good. T. G. I. F. Fridays are good, Lee.

              You're acting insane.

              I'm going to have the squash,

              But this is a boundary issue, man!

              What I do off-stage is my process and my business, OK?

              And I don't care what anybody thinks.

              And it's my business to put on a play,

              And now I've got three hours to find a new Eva Braun,

              Oh, OK, You know what?

              Oh, OK, You know what?

              And here's why, Number one--

              anyone who's offended by drinking blood,

              obviously doesn't drink blood,

              Number two--anybody who drinks as much blood as I do,

              knows it has no effect,

              Number three--

              there is absolutely no scientific connection,

              between drinking a shot of blood a day,

              and being an extraordinary actor,

              And number  --it is impossible to prove number  

              You know, do the words Masai

              You know, do the words Masai

              Do you know who that is?

              Yeah, Herzog made a documentary about them,

              The herdsmen of fire, warriors of Africa.

              They drank blood.

              Jack fucking LaLanne drank blood in the fifties.

              Yeah, granted, his wife wouldn't kiss him...

              but this is bullshit, man.

              I don't care what you do outside of this theater,

              I don't give a shit, You could eat the ass out of a dead wolf,

              I don't care,

              Just keep it to yourself, OK?

              Just keep it to yourself,

              I think it's fucking hysterical that she walked,

              And I know comedy,

              LINDA: I don't understand.

              I don't understand what's wrong.

              I mean, birthdays are fun.

              Well, OK, this is mom

              Well, OK, this is mom

              at my birthday introducing me to people,

              "And this is Lee, She ruined my body, didn't you, dear?"

              -There, -Thanks,

              I won't be here tomorrow, so happy birthday.

              Oh, It's smaller than the gift you gave me last year,

              for my fortieth birthday,

              You know what, Lee, you make forty a bigger deal than it is.

              You have no idea about forty,

              I'll be forty.

              What did I give you last year? I don't even remember.

              You know, that--that thing, That,

              -Oh, You didn't like it? -No,

              Well, honestly, I would have rather had...

              just, like, a card or something.

              OK, God,

              It's just a weird gift to give your sister...

              who's married, on her fortieth birthday.

              You know what Gus gave me last year for my birthday?

              First edition of Bernard Shaw's The Sanity of Art.

              Did you get anything out of it?

              -Which? -The gift I gave you,

              Are you kidding?

              No, I mean, yes or no,

              But for my fortieth birthday?

              Well, I have one, so,

              I used it once.

              OK, All right, Well, what happened?

              Um, I got stuck in the chair,

              You used it in a chair?

              Well, yeah, that's what's on the box,

              Different ways. I've never...

              Not in a chair. I've never...


              gift-giving-- you know, it's an art,

              You should have the person in mind--

              OK, I'm sorry, I thought you'd like it, I like it--

              Well, that's-- but you should give people...

              what you think they would want--

              you know, something personal.

              How much more personal could that be?

              But then, you and that guy-- what was his name?

              -Tom, -Tom,

              Yeah. You sat at the other end of the table...

              and just stared at each other the whole time.

              You didn't even really socialize.

              Oh, my God, Oh, my God, Lee, forgive me, OK?

              I happened to be in love-- for a brief period of time,

              Once--which happened to include,

              the week of your birthday,

              -This is all a year later, -You don't get it,


              You know what? Gift--it's a gift,

              A gift is a gift, Don't question it,

              At least not to the giver and out loud a whole year later,


              -OK, now I know,

              -OK, now I know,

              Well, that it meant something to you,


              Just the whole thing, that you put thought into it,

              You know, it's for your small change.

              FRANCESCA: So he gives me this injection...

              and I become invisible.

              And I can do anything, right?

              Because, you know, I'm invisible.

              What do I do? I go to one of my colleagues, Carl...

              and I make him sign a confession...

              while I hold a knife to his neck.

              Now, it's just weird, because I really like Carl.

              He's a brilliant,

              He's a brilliant,

              completely misunderstood by his boss,

              Well, you know, I'm not surprised he was in my dream,

              really, because I think of him a lot,

              I think I'm actually--

              MAN: Wheel in Nicholas. We're ready for him.

              It's funny, because he's one of these guys--

              You know what? I want to tell you,

              what I think about that,

              what I think about that,

              OK, I'll be here--listening,

              Hey, Pitty,

              Hey, man, What's going on?

              OK, exactly the same thing, We're starting from over here,

              It took me a little bit--

              I needed to do this with track,

              instead of just the walk-up,

              so we're gonna do a little bit of a push-in,

              There's probably going to be some focus stuff,

              so we're gonna shoot a few,


              But just split the extras as they come through--

              don't be precious about it,

              Tell them we're coming through,

              I will, I will,

              R-    take one,

              And background action--action!

              Move! Move!

              -Out of the way! -Goddamn it,

              Uh, looks like we're late,

              Looks like,

              Back to square one,

              That's what he thinks,

              You think different?

              Like the back of my big ten-inch,

              -Oh, -Come on,

              CARL: One minute I'm drinking a beer...

              and the next minute I'm unemployed.

              How does that happen?

              He said I have confused,

              my personality quirks with standards,

              What the fuck?

              CARL: You have no idea what I have lost just now.

              This goes way beyond this job. I could lose everything.

              The ripple effect. It's the ripple effect.

              It's like,"Oh, yeah, by the way, you're fired."

              "Oh, yeah, honey, by the way...

              "uh, you don 't think I'm so great.

              "Guess what? They don 't think I'm so great at work.

              "Hey, maybe I'm not so great."

              Hey, that's simple. Well, there, I can write that.

              I can write, "I'm not so great."

              Maybe I can write it...

              a hundred-fucking-thousand times on a blackboard--

              Oh, I can teach. I used to teach.

              I love teaching. I do love teaching.

              R-    take    mark!

              MAN: OK, here we go! And background! Action!

              BRAD., Move!

              -Out of the way! -Move!

              -Move! -Out of the way!

              Ohh, Looks like we're late,

              Looks like,

              Back to square one,

              That's what he thinks,

              You think different?

              I know different,

              Come on,

              -Cut it! -OK, we got.

              Nice one.

              Very nice, very nice,

              Check the gate, Check the gate,

              BRAD., Lunch?


              So, David, David,

              So, David, David,

              No, no, Absolutely, Lunch--go ahead,

              -Nice scene, man,

              -Nice scene, man,


              Would you not take a role if you felt,

              the people of the black community wouldn't like it?


              This guy that lives in my neighborhood--

              lives right across the street from me,

              And he dresses like-- yeah, yeah,

              He dresses like a vampire twenty-four hours a day,

              I don't know if he's got a job, I don't know what he does,

              but I know he dresses like a vampire,

              like Dracula all the damn time,

              -You want to go? -Mm,

              I mean, look,

              I mean, look,

              buying romaine lettuce dressed as Dracula,

              so you got to figure,

              he's an actor, right? He's got to be,

              Well, you could find out,

              Yeah, The point is, the answer to your question is,

              if I needed the money, abso-fucking-lutely,

              Absolutely, Now, am I proud of that?

              No, But, yeah, I'd take it,

              'cause, look,

              'cause, look,

              -OK, Are they gonna say cut? -I don't know,

              OK, what's going on?

              -OK, can somebody-- -Did they call cut?

              Well, can somebody communicate--OK,

              Bonnie, Bonnie, this is

              Bonnie, Bonnie, this is

              Fran, listen, listen,

              Fran, listen, listen,

              next time we do this, could you give me...

              more to work with on this whole attraction--

              What do you mean? That was good, huh?

              We can't hear in there, though, We can't hear anything,

              No, 'cause I'm not feeling the whole sexual chemistry,

              No, no, but remember,

              you gotta leave yourself somewhere to go,

              for the second letter at the airport,

              All right, Oh! All right, all right,


              In the way it's got to build,

              you got to give me something to go on,

              -We had it going before, -Did he call?

              -Yeah, -It's not working for me,

              OK, well, if you're going to stay for lunch,

              let's talk about whatever it is--

              No, I gotta run an errand, so next time--and maybe it's me,

              All right,

              We'll figure it out, Don't worry about it,

              All right. I think it was good! Oh, thanks.

              No, it's the movie,

              No, it's the movie,

              As far as he's concerned,

              As far as he's concerned,

              CALVIN: Hey, can you hold that door for me?

              -Sure, -Thank you,

              Got it?

              Excuse me,

              CARL: Oh, the film. Well, the film--

              Artie and I wrote this.

              We started working together--

              really writing together, about a year ago.

              We tossed around a couple of ideas.

              And Artie's a pretty good playwright in his own right.

              And we thought, you know, maybe this--

              sort of my understanding of Hollywood and everything...

              and his ability to actually write...

              would be a good combination...

              and so we came up with this idea...

              for what is now Rendezvous, the movie.

              It's almost like a spy film in the intrigue...

              of this romantic encounter...

              between this guy that Calvin plays--

              I'm sorry, there's a...

              Uh, and this woman.

              And anyway, I think it's a neat story.

              And I think it's a great cast.

              Um, uh, but, uh...

              Yeah. I'm sorry, I have some--it's weird.

              I'm really happy about the project. I really am.

              I got--you know, there's-- I've got issues with some of--

              Actually, Calvin. Calvin is, I think, I don 't know--

              You know, other people...

              get more excited about him than I do.

              It's not to say I'm not happy having him on the movie.

              I think that's great, and I'm sure he's very good in it.

              I just don't get what the big thing is with Calvin.

              I think--you know, you picture a role in a certain way...

              And sometimes it's-- I'm not always right, either.

              I know, you know, certainly my wife thinks he's great.

              FRANCESCA: I'm starving to death.

              -Well, I've got it right here, -I might actually faint,

              OK, tuna, No celery,

              No celery and no,

              -Onion, -Right,

              Uh, so listen...

              you know that thing that we were talking about?

              Um, I can't keep--

              OK, I mean--

              -Come on, come on,

              -Come on, come on,

              I'm uncomfortable dealing with this aspect of your life.

              I don't want to talk to them,

              Well, I don't want to talk to them, either.

              I don't even want to talk to the guys I'm dating,

              Uh-huh. Well, I'm not dating anyone.

              A date is not dating.

              Well, you know, someone buys you dinner,

              you owe them a phone call, in my opinion,

              See, dinner-- that's where I fucked up.

              It should have been lunch,

              It should have been lunch,

              They all seem pretty nice to me.

              Well, they don't strike you as, like, networky, freaky,

              actress-dating executive types,

              with their water bottles in, like, a mesh tote bag?

              This is really-- this is disgusting,

              I can't eat this, That arugula is so bitter,

              It's like my algebra teacher on bread,

              -OK, -Ugh,

              I'm truly, I'm--look at me,

              I'm gonna faint, I might actually faint,

              We all know how you get when your blood sugar's low.

              All right. I'll be right back.

              OK. Thank you.

              -You're welcome, -I need some wet naps, too,

              -OK, -Tuna fingers,

              -Don't want tuna fingers, -No, we don't,

              -You're an angel, Thank you, -Oh, you're welcome,

              Oh, post-its!

              LEE: See, I knew something was wrong, I just--

              I didn't know it was that.

              I had that one this morning,

              CALVIN: Hey,

              I need to talk to you about something,

              -Lee-- -Don't,

              Why did you even pursue this?

              What? Wait a minute. You came over and spoke to me.

              Now, all of this began because of you,

              Are you saying you weren't attracted to me?


              Gus told me to watch out for you,

              Gus told me to watch out for you,

              I'm forty-one tomorrow, Calvin--

              the age where I could have a stroke,

              in the middle of the night,

              If you think I'm not going to Gus', you're,

              OK, I have a meeting, Go fuck somebody else,

              -Hey, -Hi,

              -You're still here? -Yeah, I was just upstairs,

              I was shopping for my friend Gus,

              -Oh, -Yeah,

              -Are you OK? -Oh, yeah, I'm good,

              I've just had really some sad cases today, so I'm just--

              -I'm sorry, -I'm emotional,

              Yeah. What did you get him?

              -Who? -What did you get Gus?

              Oh, They didn't have it,

              -What was it? -Yeah,

              -Are you, -It was a thing,

              He's--he's, uh,

              It was--they didn't--you know, 'cause he's forty today,

              and I was just gonna get him some, I don't know, this--

              -Are you OK? -Yeah,

              I just have to go, I'm really late, so--

              -Are you sure? -Yeah,

              I'll call you later.

              Oh, OK,

              Thank you.

              Um, you need to find him,

              Um, you need to find him,

              I don't know if he knows I'm here at the office,

              so I have to have a contact name in order to transfer you.

              Um, Harvey's not here at the office right now.

              He sees on the TV a murder,

              and as he listens to the murder,

              and as he listens to the murder,

              His whole face just goes white...

              and he bolts from his apartment.

              Now, we follow him.

              The murders--they deviate at this key point...

              for reasons nobody can understand, because--

              T ell Trevors I'm not gonna do it, I'm not gonna do it,

              Good, good, Go, Sorry, Go ahead,


              My brother Bob should look at this,

              Yeah, Good, Good!

              -Great, -Good,

              CALVIN: Motherfuckers,

              Did you see their faces looking at us?


              It was like a labrador staring at a Picasso,


              Ed, we walked in there

              Ed, we walked in there

              -They want beer mugs, -Yeah, right?

              I could so see myself in that part,



              -It's all right, -All right, I gotta go,

              -See you later, -See you,

              Hey, Ed, keep the faith,

              It was good. It was good.

              -Mr, Liveright, -Hey, hey, Bill,

              -Come on in, -Thanks,

              -Ann? -Yeah,

              My massage is here, I'll call you back in an hour,

              -How about in back? Good? -OK, sure,

              Um, what do you think about the lighting?

              A little light--too bright?

              Whatever you're comfortable with is fine, Yeah,

              I think a little darker,

              -Like so, -Sure,

              -Need some help? -No,

              Done it before, huh?

              "Bill Liveright"--great name,

              Well, a name with a message is a good name, right?

              I don't know, It just always eluded me,

              Mmm, Money is just feminine energy,

              Huh, It always seems so male, I don't get it,

              Money: Mater, The Latin,

              You connect with that,

              You connect with that,

              You make it sound pretty simple,

              -It is, -Just connecting with it,

              You're catching on, Ann,

              Look, don't be

              Look, don't be

              If you have purpose, you can just wade right through,

              It's like running past people who are asleep,


              you can turn over now,

              I think I kind of drooled a little bit,

              Just scoot your head down, so you're not in the hole.


              You're from L, A,?

              No, Miami, actually, You?

              -New York, -Oh,

              Do you find me attractive?



              In what sort of way?

              In a human sort of way,

              -Ann, -Bill,

              It's my birthday, Ann,

              -Really? -Yeah,

              Happy birthday,

              What's your philosophy on release?

              You know what, Bill, I know

              You know what, Bill, I know

              and the thing is, I don't do it, so,

              Right, Not even for a little extra money?

              Mm-mmm, It's not the kind of massage I do,


              I offer a release of tension and toxins,

              and sometimes emotion, but,

              Yes, well,

              Yes, well,

              -Well, I don't do it, so--

              -Well, I don't do it, so--

              Oh, yeah, You can come in thirty seconds?

              -Do you have a second-hand? -Look, I can't do it,

              You could stop after thirty seconds,

              Five hundred dollars, When was the last time,

              you made five hundred dollars for thirty seconds of work?

              -You're cruel, -I'm not cruel, I'm practical,

              You need the cash,

              You need the cash,

              This is crazy,

              Five hundred dollars, Ann,

              You can't make any noise,

              -The place is noisy, -No, You can audibly exhale,

              You can't moan or grunt or sigh,

              I can't moan or grunt or sigh, just audible exhale only?

              -Yes, -Ahh!

              No, Too loud, And if you do it--it's too much,

              I'll be quiet, OK, Ann, I'll be quiet,

              Are you ready?


              Are you ready?

              Will you just hand me that plastic bag right there?

              Well, why?

              No reason,


              Oh, my God,


              -Here, -Thank you,

              GUS: Shit.

              -Hey, Ann? -What?

              I'm sorry, I thought I had more cash on me,

              -That's OK, Bill,

              -That's OK, Bill,

              You know what? There's a limit.

              There's a limit.

              To the machine, You can only get three hundred dollars out,

              Could you move that, please? That bag,

              -You're kidding, -No, I'm not kidding,

              -I feel bad, -You should,

              You should feel really bad and ashamed,


              -Hold on, -Forget it,

              -Just hold on a second, -You know what? Forget it,

              It's pathetic.

              "Mater equals money." I mean, give me a fucking break.

              All the world loves a winner,

              You know why they love the winner?

              Because they think he knows something,

              I mean, he had to know

              I mean, he had to know

              So, we admire him,

              But the winner doesn't learn anything from winning,

              No, the loser--the loser

              No, the loser--the loser

              Losing teaches you about yourself.

              So, the loser's the winner.

              I don't know. I mean, it's not in actual terms.

              I'm speaking figuratively.

              Sorry, Excuse me,

              -Good night, Denny, -May I see you, please?

              The gentleman in     left this for you,

              Oh, Huh,

              Wow, That was nice,

              GUS: Ann, thanks for the happy ending. Bill.

              Nice card,


              Django? Hey, hey, hey!



              LEE: I know what they say.

              I know what they say about me--

              my colleagues...

              and my family.

              I don't--fucking movies.

              OK, let's fucking go,

              Fucking movies!

              Fucking overpaid, fucking unhappy childhood fuckers,

              Fucking movie fucking fuckers,

              Let's go! Somebody-- Jesus, buddy!

              Uh, do you think somebody else could go?

              Maybe one of us could fucking cross the street?

              Fucking movie cop!

              Hey, fucking movie cop!

              Could I maybe fucking cross the street?

              Francesca Davis, Fuck,

              Yes, He's gonna get--what? Dehydrated? OK,

              Yes, Yeah, I understand,

              Yes, Yeah, I understand,

              Hello, Yeah, hi,

              I did that,

              and--and I gave him some water, yeah,

              and I was just hoping that Dr, Green could come by,

              and, uh, and give him a quick look,

              Oh, he is?

              Oh, I see, Uh,


              Well, if--you know, I just--I just, uh,

              want to make sure he's not gonna die,

              you know, or anything,

              Um, so if you could, that would be great,

              Right, heh heh, Yeah,

              Uh, that's fantastic,

              Yes, I will see you then,

              Yes, What? The address?

              Oh, Oh, my address, Oh, yeah,

              I guess you'd need that, wouldn't you? Heh heh,


              I know, You know, I can't really talk,

              I'm going into a store, Can I call you back?


              Oh, really?

              Oh that'd be-- that's--that's great,

              I'm--I'm glad,

              You met Gus?

              Where? Wow, Yeah, well, there's a guy,

              who could change your life, you know?

              So, I'm gonna get the dress,

              -Oh, good, Great, -Yeah,

              LINDA: Mm-hmm. Sure.

              Yeah. I was, um, fat...

              overweight, and very short...

              and, um, I hadn't gone through puberty.

              So, yeah, I mean, I looked, you know--I did not look...

              like I would've liked to have looked in high school.

              Yeah, surely I would've changed my social status.

              I still would. Heh heh. Yeah.

              Treat myself,

              So, that's five there,

              Oh, great, Thank you very much,

              -OK, -Excellent, Thank you,

              Hey, you came, I thought you were coming later,


              Hey, How are you, man? Good to see you,

              The house is open, guys, if you want to,

              -Oh, Hi, Dee,

              -Oh, Hi, Dee,

              Good to see you, Thank you for coming,


              That guy didn't pay,

              Did you pay, sir?

              MAN: I did, yes. Would you like--

              No, no, I just--I saw you come the other way,

              and most people were coming, I'm sorry,

              Right in here, Right there on the sofa,

              Oh, boy,

              What else was in the brownies besides chocolate?


                -Hash? -Yeah,

                Aw, come on, man,

                No, My wife brought it back from London,

                We made the brownies for my friend's fortieth--

                So, what'd you do, leave it out for him to eat?

                No, no, I know,

                No, no, I know,

                it was right here on this counter,

                I didn't think he could jump that high,

                He's got little legs like a,

                All this--he ate all this,

                It's so much better than pot, right?

                -Uh-- -Aw, no, no, no,

                You don't understand,

                You don't understand,

                I haven't smoked that in years, so, you know what I'm saying?


                When I was in my twenties, this guitar player and I,

                would make up all these lyrics while he played,

                and our songs would end up,

                with all these fucked-up rhyme schemes,

                Heather, Heather, I'm sorry, Is he going to be all right?

                Oh, he's going to be fine, He's going to be fine,

                So, uh,

                you going to throw that out?

                Look, you liked it,

                and you've told me you haven't liked things,

                You liked it, Man, listen,

                You liked it, Man, listen,

                you're not going to pursue any more meetings...

                because this is what I want to do.

                I'm serious, OK?

                Hey, listen. Could you, like...

                It's better now, It's a lot better now,

                Ed and I,

                Ed and I,

                We've been beefing up the scenes,

                And that whole thing you mentioned...

                I agree with you-- about me being in it.

                I'm not going to do it.

                Even if they ask about it, we're not going to build it in.

                I figure, you know, in the long run...

                it's probably a good thing,

                me trying to establish myself as a writer instead of an actor,

                Like Pinter. You know, Pinter, he was an actor.

                He started off as an actor,

                He still acts, occasionally.

                All right, this shit is cyclical, you know that?

                All right, don't. Don't, don't, don't.

                I got it,

                OK, Thank you,

                If you stop telling me that that letter makes sense,

                you can throw up all you want, How about that?

                Tch, Yeah, Aw,

                Do you know her?

                -Ahem, Who? -Carl's wife,


                That's kind of funny, because I've heard things, actually,

                Yeah. Yeah. A couple of them.

                -Hey, how are you doing? -Uhh,

                Hey, Fran, listen, I want you to meet--

                Frannie, It's Lucy Morgan, L, A, Magazine,

                -I'm sorry, I-- -The Sedona piece,

                Oh, my God, Yes, Oh, wow,

                Wow, You changed your hair or something?

                Yeah, How do you know Cal?

                -Uh, we-- -It was a dinner.


                Excuse me,



                Is it--is it upstairs, or is it in there?


                -Oh, this is wrong, -No,

                -I'm overdressed, -You look,

                -I wasn't sure what, -It's on the roof,

                Where's Carl?

                He's not here yet, I just, um,

                -We should go up and, -OK,

                -Wow, -You OK?


                You know,

                You know,

                No, You look great,


                You know, I have to admire you for your belief,

                in this project, but the reality...

                is a whole different thing altogether.

                It's all marketplace shit,

                And I don't think that this is a good role for you...

                so don't even push that.

                When does this article come out?

                In a couple of months,

                Well, you call me,

                if you can't get any answers out of this guy,

                Thank you.

                Nice to meet you,

                Nice seeing you,




                Name kind of suits him, Oh, Nicholas,

                No, it looks good, Where'd you get that dress?

                No, it looks good, Where'd you get that dress?

                -Seaver, -Where?

                On Third, Do you know it?

                -Is it good? -Yeah,

                -It was on sale, I like it, -No, it's,



                All chromium is not bad,

                All chromium is not bad,

                because I get Fitness magazine,

                I need a drink,

                No, I'm saying there's a lot of good chromiums,

                -I read it in a magazine, -Hey,

                Hey, I wouldn't go to the lengths,

                of bathing in bottled water, that's all I'm saying,

                I believe what you're saying,

                -Franny Davis? -Yeah,

                Sam Osborne.

                -I'm sorry, -The Duchess of Malfi,

                -Birchers, -Yeah,

                I was the lighting guy,

                Mmm, Oh, my God, Oh, OK, Yeah,

                -Sam Osborne, -Osborne,

                -How are you? -Nice to see you again,

                Oh, you, too, Wow, That's funny,

                -Yeah, -That's--

                Do you remember when you said,

                "I feel like a waitress on vacation"?

                Oh, God,

                It was, like, just the cutest thing I've ever heard, and,

                I don't know why that just stuck out,

                I don't--yeah, I just--um, well,

                -I was going to go, -OK,

                Jesus, You remember that?


                Yeah, I do,

                -I got a funny memory that way, -Oh,

                Anyway, hey, I--I don't want to bug you,

                I know you got lots of people to see,

                I just wanted to say how happy I am for you, and,

                Oh, thanks, Thank you,

                It's--I always thought you had something special,


                You know, it's just amazing what you've been able to do,

                -well, from,

                -well, from,

                Or, well, yeah,

                No, I'm just--I'm--thank you, Thank you,

                Right, Good, Well, hey,

                -Cheers, Good to see you, -Thank you, Cheers,

                I couldn't "Cheers" you, I don't have a drink,

                but, well, shit,

                but, well, shit,

                Ha ha! Birchers lighting guy,


                Get me a-- why don't you come with me?

                -Yeah, OK, -OK,

                -Nicholas, Oh, my goodness, -Oh, God,

                -Uhh, -Let's get you on the sofa,

                -Oh, God, did I just-- -Yes, you did,

                -Ohh, -Go slowly,

                Ah, Catherine, I'm sorry,

                Are you all right?

                -Here's some water, -Oh, thank you so much,

                -I feel a little light headed, -Here, have some water,

                -Yeah, -Drink it,

                Yeah? Are you sure you're all right?

                -Mm-hmm, -Thank goodness,

                -I need to ask you something, -What?

                I need you to come back to New York with me,

                -Nicholas, I can't--

                -Nicholas, I can't--

                Catherine, it's that letter,

                Catherine, it's that letter,

                Well, but that was--

                I've never had anybody write me a love letter,

                -Never, -But I just--

                No, listen,

                No, listen,

                You're here, You there just makes sense,

                You write the article,

                You write the article,

                Nicholas, these kind of things--

                A moment of inspiration,

                that's all anybody ever really wants,


                To have an original idea,

                to fall in love,

                It takes courage,

                to surrender these things,

                Especially when you have control issues,

                I get that a lot,

                I know what they're going to talk about,

                when they talk about me,

                They're going to talk about the mustache,

                People are so fucking petty,

                People say, "God, what's up with that?

                "Like, didn't you know that Chaplin had it first?"

                Yeah! I knew, OK?

                It's either the name of your first pet,

                and the first street that you ever lived on,

                or it's your middle name,

                and the first street that you lived on,

                Well, which is it? I think--is it pet?

                -Pet, -It's pet,

                So, if it's pet... all right.

                WOMAN: I'm Daisy Bufane.

                Daisy Bufane?

                Jo Jo Mountainview,

                I would be Peavey Meander.

                -What? -Peavey Meander,


                -Thurston Craddock. -Hmm.

                Uh, Baron Von Hugecock,

                What? That's--that was my street,

                I lived on Van Hugecock Avenue,

                MAN: The little kid who lives on Van Hugecock.

                FRANCESCA: Oh, God, where is Gus?

                -Save us from this misery. -Uhh.

                CARL: So, it's your middle name...

                -Right. -first.

                CARL: And then--and then...

                the name of the street that you grew up on,

                HEA THER: OK.



                CALVIN: All right, I'll open it.

                Obviously, everybody, Gus is not here...

                so I was thinking,

                to pass the time, why don't we all just kind of,

                whoever wants to, stand up and give our little Gus stories,

                Uh, so, let me start off,

                I think my favorite Gus moment,

                was when he called me at  :   in the morning...

                to ask what I really thought about him.

                WOMAN: What'd you say?

                What did I say? What did I say?

                I said,"Well, Gus,

                I said,"Well, Gus,

                "I'm going to think the same thing at   .    in the morning,"

                Then I hung up,

                -Whatever. -Calvin.


                It's all right, It's all right,

                Listen, let's get down to business.

                If someone wants to stand up, please, feel free.

                The floor is open.

                MAN, TAPPING GLASS: All right. I got one, Calvin.

                Yes, that's right, that's right.

                So, Gus and I--some of you may not know this--

                Gus and I used to hunt together, all right?

                And this one time, we're

                And this one time, we're

                and, uh, Gus climbs down,

                to relieve himself in the bushes, OK?

                And, uh--it gets funnier. It gets funnier.

                So, uh...

                Wow. Thank you, man.

                I can't tell you how much that means to me.

                I really appreciate that, you know?

                Especially coming from someone like you,

                who writes and acts and directs and plays the sax,

                Originally, I kind of felt like,

                it was really coming after me, you know?

                Now I feel like I'm coming after it,


                It's not coming after me, I'm going to get it,

                -Can you grab that sword? -I'm already on it, man,

                It's weird, I was watching this interview with Al,

                -Pacino? -Yeah,

                And he was talking about the differences,

                between stage acting and film acting,

                and he was talking about how being on stage,

                is like being on this high wire, like, a hundred feet up,

                And if you fall, you're fucked,

                but acting in film is like having the wire on the,

                -Ground, -On the Ground,

                Oh, OK, you've heard that,

                Yeah, man, working for guys like you and Carl,

                -the writing, just everything-- -Aw, come on, man,

                Where is Carl, by the way? Is he,

                He had a party to go to,

                Oh, that's right, Is that that producer guy?

                -Gus Delario, -Oh, OK,

                That's not too shabby, Carl owns a tux, huh?


                Huh, Not just one of those shirts with the design on it?

                You know, he says good luck and break a leg,

                Thank you, Thank you,

                Did I tell you about tomorrow?

                Yeah, Fuck, man,

                Yeah, Fuck, man,

                That should go really good, Ann? Is that her name?

                Yeah, It's a nice name,

                I hope so, man, I've been looking a long time,

                Yeah, I hear you, It's hard, I don't know,

                You want to go for a beer or something?

                No, I got to teach a pilates class, but thank you,

                FRANCESCA: Shouldn't we all say grace?

                I think you're right,

                Listen, it's been    minutes,

                Listen, it's been    minutes,

                so let's eat, Everybody dig in,

                MAN: Thank you.

                FRANCESCA: Even at a party--bossy, bossy.

                CALVIN: You know you love it. You love it. You know you do.

                -Oh! -Oh!

                FRANCESCA: What are you doing? Shit.

                " C-C-C-Calvin "

                I'll get my ball,

                CALVIN: Uh, everybody, this is Lee Bright, Carl's wife.


                Our writer, Gave us a beautiful script,

                -Hi, -Hi,

                Hi, Thank you,

                Lee, Lucy Morgan, L, A, Magazine, I've worked with Carl,

                Oh, yeah, That's right, Hi, How are you? Nice to meet you,

                Hi, I'm Lee,

                Yeah, Hi, hi,

                Hey, can you name all the countries in Africa, Calvin?

                What do you want from me?

                -I'm not drunk, -OK, Let's go,

                I'm just-- you know, fuck you, man,

                -Yeah, let's go, -He needs to sober up,

                All right, Sorry, Sit down, Sit down,

                He needs to fucking sober up, I mean, come on,

                LINDA: You know what? Enough, No more,

                No more drinks, all right? I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

                No more, Do not drink anything, Carl's on his way, all right?

                -Where are you going? -I'll be right back,

                Don't drink and don't talk to anybody,

                No one!



                Hey, Soledad, Do me a favor,

                -You're beautiful, -Oh, thank you,

                -You working? -No, I'm not,

                You know, I left something in here today.

                Could you just let me in for a second?

                Of course,

                Yeah, Thank you,

                Thanks, Gus?



                Oh, my God,

                Oh, my God.

                LEE: I mean, I'm wearing a linen suit, for God's sake...

                and mascara's running all over my face...

                And I'm the only fucking car in the parking lot.

                It's, late,

                Hey, where did you go?


                He's what?

                OK, OK, look, look, look,

                OK, OK, look, look, look,

                We'll call down, and I'll say I left something in here,

                We'll call down, and I'll say I left something in here,

                and I came up and I knocked and he didn't answer, OK?

                What? What? Lee, I don't know what!

                -Just wait, -Fuck!

                Wait for what? Oh, my God!

                A few hours ago he was alive, OK? He was really alive!

                -Oh, man!

                -Oh, man!

                -Fuck, fuck! Do not touch him!

                -Fuck, fuck! Do not touch him!

                -Jesus Christ! -Oh, my God!

                Of course he's cold!

                CARL: I don't know ifyou can calculate...

                I don't know if you can quantify...

                the effect that would have on a ten-year-old girl.

                I think Lee is like...

                Have you ever seen a dog get hit by a car...

                but walk away?

                And... there's this impact...

                and you know something terrible...

                has happened to that dog...

                but it walks away...

                and it doesn't seem to even realize the implications...

                'cause it just goes on.

                But you know that something terrible...

                has happened inside this dog.

                LEE: Why do you think he did it?

                Oh, God, I don't know,

                It's some weird sex thing, I don't know,

                LEE: No. Not this.


                CARL: That's, I think, what happened to Lee.

                It's like--it's like--

                She's a dog that got hit by a car, and she walked away...

                and she's still walking, but...

                LINDA: I don't know. I guess he was really sad.

                CARL: Some very, very important things...

                inside her are damaged.

                LEE: Oh.


                CARL: So... my wife and I were having trouble...

                and I said I thought maybe we were in a rut...

                and that maybe we should try something...

                to liven things up, and she said,"Like what?"

                And I said like maybe we should tape ourselves doing it.

                And she was completely shocked by this...

                and she thought it was beyond disgusting...

                and that was that for, like, four months.

                And then one night, out of the blue...

                she says,"Let's do it."


                So, we get it all set up, and I'm ready and she's ready,

                and, uh, and she has gone out and bought herself,

                a little toy to use in the video,


                Well, it's not a little toy, It's a--it's a huge,

                Fucking, I mean, it was--

                No one has a--you know, OK,

                Well, anyway, I took one look at this thing,

                and I knew I would not be able to--

                I mean, it--I just couldn't-- I couldn't,

                I couldn't,

                So we haven't,

                And, you know,

                you can't come back from something like that,

                I don't know whether she lost respect for me,

                or I lost respect for myself, but something was lost,

                HEATHER: What are you going to do?

                CARL: I have no idea.

                I mean, I know professionally, I'm gonna go back to teaching.

                I always loved teaching.

                -Really? -Yeah.

                CARL: Never learned a thing in my life, but I love teaching.

                The legacy of higher education.

                HEATHER: What about your wife?

                CARL: Tsk. I...

                will hope that we get over this.

                HEATHER: Hmm,

                CARL: Aside from loving her, I just really like her.

                A lot.


                I guess she thinks...

                everyone and everything is against her.

                Somehow I just think...

                it keeps her from being happy.

                Is that your wife?

                -Hey! -Hi,

                HEATHER: I'm with Dr, Green,

                CARL: This is--Heather, this is Lee,

                -Django, he was sick, -Django ate the brownies,

                -Yeah, -He's OK,

                -He's fine now, -We put him to bed,

                CARL: Are you OK?

                Um, the,

                they found Gus in his hotel room,

                He's--he's dead,


                HEATHER: I should go.

                CARL: OK, OK, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for that,

                HEATHER: Yeah.

                Hey, OK?

                OK, OK,

                He--he's dead,


                Oh, sweetie pie, OK,



                If you ever left me, I would die,

                I would die, Please don't,


                I just want this day to be over,


                Yeah, Let it out,


                -Happy birthday, -Thanks,

                CARL: Mmm,

                LEE: Hi,

                Did you have any interesting dreams last night?

                CARL: Um, no, Back to normal,

                LEE: Oh,

                CARL: I had an afro,

                LEE: Huh?

                LEE: I really don't know what you should do...

                when you're in love with someone.

                I know that you're thinking about them all the time.

                You want to be with them and see things with them.

                I think it's impossible. It's an ideal to just think...

                that you can actually be kind all the time...

                and never be disappointed in them or by them.

                It's hard. I mean, it's like the dream is short-lived.

                CARL: You've got to keep hoping that...

                that there's more.

                FRANCESCA: You know, you always--

                It's when you least expect it...

                that something kind of pops up, literally.

                He just was-- appeared, kind of...

                Um, so...

                And nice that it's somebody...

                that I knew a really long time ago.

                And, clearly, you know, paid attention to me...

                before I was, you know, blond.

                So, that makes it nice...

                but I think that it's just fate...

                and it's kind of, um...

                I don 't know. And today, just negative ions in the air...

                bringing good fortune and--and, yeah.


                Sam Osborne.

                CAL VIN: I think, you know, with Lucy...

                she's a good listener, like I said...

                but she's also, you know, she's teaching me stuff.

                She comes from a nice family. Her parents are still together.

                She got three-four brothers and sisters...

                and they're a real close-knit family.

                It's just the opposite of where I had come from.

                I don 't know. Honestly, I don 't know what it is.

                I mean, I gotta just kinda go off my gut right now...

                and just see what feels right.

                And right now, when I'm with Lucy...

                man, it just feels right.



                You're here,

                I am,

                I wasn't sure,

                Neither was I--

                until now,


                -Mmm, -Mmm,

                -Did you get that? -The announcement? No,

                -Where you going? -Oh, Tucson,

                Mmm! I'm going to Tucson,

                -Oh, yeah? -Yeah,

                -You ever been? -No,

                It's supposed to be beautiful,

                That's what I hear, I've never been, either,

                -I'll see you on the plane, -All right,

                -Oh, are you Russian? -No,

                No, you're supposed to say, "Am I rushin' where?"

                -That's funny, -Thanks,

                Hi, I'm sorry, Is this seat taken?

                -No, no,

                -No, no,


                Sorry, I hope this isn't a full flight,

                -Yeah, I hope so, too, -Sorry,

                LINDA: You know, I was ready to go.

                I was at the airport, and I met...

                like, in the food court, I met this guy, um...

                and then he sat next to me on the plane...

                and we just hit it off.

                His name's Arty, and we just...

                He just made me laugh. He's really funny and sweet...

                and, um, sort of open.

                We just talked the whole time, the whole flight.

                ARTY: She laughed in a way...

                that made me feel like she saw me.

                I blew off meeting--meeting Ann...

                but we ended up spending the weekend together.

                And she's terrific.

                LINDA: It was amazing. We just had an amazing time.

                It was definitely--

                It was like out of a movie.

                " Do something real "

                " Sidewalks chasing, citizens racing "

                " Do something real "

                " Bloodhounds closing in on opposing men "

                " Do something real "

                " Do something real "

                " Crows like rats like cats on vacation "

                " Do something real "

                " You've been scrapped, I'm trapped at the station "

                " Small claims courts, community snorts "

                " It's fine when it's so concealed "

                " Do something real "

                " Extra special happiness "

                " Defined by an endless field "

                " Of nothing real "

                " Do something real "

                " Crap stripe exits, examiners expect it "

                " Do something real "

                " Plot of rockets, holy ghost markets "

                " Do something real "

                " Small claims courts, community snorts "

                " It's fine when it's so concealed "

                " Extra special happiness "

                " Defined by an endless field "

                " Of nothing real "

                This is, like,

                This is, like,

                When we know who the killer is,

                I know, The audience doesn't know yet,

                But I know,

                And this is where you see me put the pieces together.


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